1
00:00:02,267 --> 00:00:05,432
As great as it is bringing a baby
home from the hospital,

2
00:00:05,821 --> 00:00:09,194
there's one sound you absolutely
dread waking up to...

3
00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:14,144
Relatives.

4
00:00:17,959 --> 00:00:20,756
I really never saw
this wedding pictures, mama.

5
00:00:20,956 --> 00:00:22,155
How handsome and
young papa looks.

6
00:00:23,313 --> 00:00:25,514
Ay, it makes me sad.

7
00:00:25,515 --> 00:00:27,306
Ay, I know that you miss him.

8
00:00:27,307 --> 00:00:29,041
No. Look at my ass.

9
00:00:29,042 --> 00:00:31,243
There are two things in that picture
I don't have anymore.

10
00:00:32,786 --> 00:00:34,226
Sonia, can I help you?

11
00:00:34,227 --> 00:00:36,351
No, no, she's fine.
It keeps her busy.

12
00:00:36,352 --> 00:00:38,490
We need more corn.
Gloria, where is your garden?

13
00:00:38,491 --> 00:00:39,547
I will harvest some.

14
00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:40,957
They don't live that way, honey.

15
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,996
Gloria, give me the keys.
We'll go to the market.

16
00:00:42,997 --> 00:00:44,809
Hey, you're all awake.
I didn't hear you.

17
00:00:44,810 --> 00:00:47,171
Oh, look at my two handsome men.

18
00:00:47,371 --> 00:00:48,570
Mi niño, Fulgencio Umberto.

19
00:00:49,825 --> 00:00:51,240
You know, about the name,
we're not entirely sure...

20
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,537
Sonia, vámonos.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.

21
00:00:54,716 --> 00:00:56,507
Say good-bye to Fulgencio.

22
00:00:56,726 --> 00:00:58,107
Good-bye, Fulgencio.

23
00:00:58,108 --> 00:00:59,338
His name is Joe.

24
00:00:59,339 --> 00:01:01,501
You tell her that
we're not naming him

25
00:01:01,502 --> 00:01:04,447
after her dead husband
or his father before him.

26
00:01:04,448 --> 00:01:06,289
- His name was...
- Please don't say it again.

27
00:01:06,290 --> 00:01:09,503
Jay, I cannot go against
my mother's will.

28
00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:11,128
But she likes you.

29
00:01:11,129 --> 00:01:12,933
Maybe if you convince her...

30
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:16,534
Fulgencio Umberto...
the initials are F.U. Pritchett.

31
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,876
Which is exactly
the way it feels right now.

32
00:01:27,904 --> 00:01:31,401
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

33
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,063
Is there some kind of
dress code for godparents?

34
00:01:34,064 --> 00:01:35,345
You're not wearing a fedora, Phil.

35
00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:36,480
Can you pick up the dry cleaning?

36
00:01:36,481 --> 00:01:39,248
That sounds like
an offer I can't refuse.

37
00:01:39,431 --> 00:01:41,101
Yeah, we're not doing that.

38
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,422
So I got delayed picking up
Lily from dance class.

39
00:01:43,423 --> 00:01:44,671
Now Gloria's got me
running around

40
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,186
doing a thousand things
for christening.

41
00:01:46,187 --> 00:01:47,580
Son of a bitch.

42
00:01:47,581 --> 00:01:50,067
It's not that bad, really.
I'm just... I'm venting.

43
00:01:50,201 --> 00:01:51,662
I couldn't believe it.
Somebody's balloons

44
00:01:51,663 --> 00:01:53,512
were blocking my billboard.
Philboard.

45
00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:54,814
My philboard.

46
00:01:56,006 --> 00:01:58,059
Can we wear the same
outfits at Crispin's party

47
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,591
that we're wearing to the baptism?

48
00:01:59,592 --> 00:02:00,685
Oh, you know what?
I don't know.

49
00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:02,294
Because you wanna be
subdued at church

50
00:02:02,295 --> 00:02:03,643
and then fabulous at night.

51
00:02:03,644 --> 00:02:04,639
You know who
would make a fortune?

52
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,301
The designer who comes up with
the little black dress for men.

53
00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:08,954
I'm bored.

54
00:02:08,955 --> 00:02:10,668
I know, sweetie,
but daddies are talking

55
00:02:10,669 --> 00:02:12,314
about what we're
gonna wear tonight,

56
00:02:12,315 --> 00:02:13,949
and that's a difficult conversation.

57
00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:16,156
- Cry me a river.
- Lily.

58
00:02:16,583 --> 00:02:18,263
I-I'm not loving this attitude.

59
00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:19,323
You seem a little mean.

60
00:02:19,324 --> 00:02:22,690
Sorry. Should I call you
a wah-mbulance?

61
00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:26,223
Oh, my gosh.
She has been so snarky lately.

62
00:02:26,224 --> 00:02:27,778
I know. I've actually
been getting nervous

63
00:02:27,779 --> 00:02:29,203
when we're making
her late for something.

64
00:02:29,204 --> 00:02:30,531
Because of what
she said the other day?

65
00:02:30,532 --> 00:02:32,530
- "Today, ladies."
- Hurtful.

66
00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:34,969
You know, she hears us doing it,

67
00:02:35,452 --> 00:02:37,913
so we... we should try
and be less negative.

68
00:02:38,169 --> 00:02:39,731
Model some better behavior.

69
00:02:39,732 --> 00:02:42,088
Yeah. Well, you know,
if it's a model she needs,

70
00:02:42,089 --> 00:02:43,124
she's come to the right place.

71
00:02:43,125 --> 00:02:44,143
Oh, boy.
Hmm.

72
00:02:45,789 --> 00:02:46,961
I wish Lily was in here

73
00:02:46,962 --> 00:02:49,137
so she could hear me
not comment on that.

74
00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:50,845
I get it. You're modeling.

75
00:02:51,435 --> 00:02:53,744
Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again.

76
00:02:54,496 --> 00:02:56,004
I-I got cut off by your machine.

77
00:02:56,005 --> 00:02:57,883
I'm, uh, not sure
where I left off there,

78
00:02:57,884 --> 00:02:59,012
but I'll attempt to be brief,

79
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,866
as I do appreciate when people
do the same for me.

80
00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:05,675
Anyhoo, uh, your balloons
are co... Damn it!

81
00:03:05,676 --> 00:03:07,600
Is anyone home? Mom!

82
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,003
I need her first. Mom!

83
00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:11,323
- She's out. - Why is she always
gone when we need an adult?

84
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,140
- I can help.
- What's with the cage?

85
00:03:13,141 --> 00:03:15,042
- Science project.
- Mom, where are you?

86
00:03:15,043 --> 00:03:16,872
- Out. It's just the three of us.
- Four.

87
00:03:16,873 --> 00:03:18,509
- I need her.
- Rats.

88
00:03:18,510 --> 00:03:19,532
I know, right?

89
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,568
Guys, I'm right here.
What do you need?

90
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:22,083
- No, it's okay.
- We're good.

91
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:24,198
- Okay, never mind.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

92
00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:26,082
Family meeting.
Everybody grab some 'za.

93
00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,545
We're gonna talk about this.

94
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:31,866
Listen, I know you guys
like to go to mom

95
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,016
because she's
Mr. Tough guy problem-solver.

96
00:03:34,017 --> 00:03:34,950
She gets results.

97
00:03:34,951 --> 00:03:37,244
Yeah, she does.
She does. You're right.

98
00:03:37,580 --> 00:03:39,718
Like the last time we got pizza
from our favorite place here.

99
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,358
Remember that?
We got shortchanged,

100
00:03:41,359 --> 00:03:43,685
she cursed a blue streak
and got our money back?

101
00:03:44,122 --> 00:03:45,599
How's that pizza, by the way?

102
00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,402
- Pretty good. - It's okay.
- Liars!

103
00:03:47,546 --> 00:03:48,762
It's garbage.

104
00:03:48,763 --> 00:03:51,219
That's not Scardino's,
it's Scandoni's.

105
00:03:51,348 --> 00:03:52,469
You know why?

106
00:03:52,637 --> 00:03:54,177
'Cause your mom's little blow-up

107
00:03:54,178 --> 00:03:58,238
got us banned
from Scardino's for life.

108
00:03:58,546 --> 00:04:00,832
So maybe your mom's way
isn't always the best way.

109
00:04:01,065 --> 00:04:02,897
Now why don't you guys
tell me what's going on?

110
00:04:03,211 --> 00:04:05,688
I'm having a '60s-themed
birthday party next week.

111
00:04:05,689 --> 00:04:07,687
Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye.

112
00:04:07,910 --> 00:04:09,116
Karen Sullivan heard about it,

113
00:04:09,117 --> 00:04:12,058
and decided to have
the same party... tonight.

114
00:04:12,393 --> 00:04:13,655
Not groovy.

115
00:04:13,782 --> 00:04:15,845
I accidentally called
my teacher "mommy."

116
00:04:15,845 --> 00:04:18,730
My "friend" Reuben went around
and told everyone.

117
00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:20,272
Oh, hey, Reuben,

118
00:04:20,273 --> 00:04:22,346
do you remember that
class field trip to the zoo

119
00:04:22,347 --> 00:04:25,064
when the zebra rushed the fence
and you peed your pants?

120
00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:27,835
I didn't tell anyone,
not even on the bus ride home

121
00:04:27,836 --> 00:04:29,236
when he had to sit next to mom...

122
00:04:29,237 --> 00:04:31,150
Ms. Bockman! Damn it!

123
00:04:31,151 --> 00:04:32,308
Our neighbor's out of town,

124
00:04:32,309 --> 00:04:35,029
and she's paying me to move
her car on street cleaning days.

125
00:04:35,030 --> 00:04:36,693
Now I would just park it
in her driveway,

126
00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:39,112
but she already has a camper
and a cord of wood there.

127
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,936
Pretty sure she's a lesbian.

128
00:04:40,937 --> 00:04:42,740
Anyway, easy money, right?

129
00:04:43,227 --> 00:04:44,865
Oh, my God, I can't see anything!

130
00:04:44,866 --> 00:04:46,126
Hard starboard!

131
00:04:46,127 --> 00:04:47,593
What does that even mean?

132
00:04:47,594 --> 00:04:50,071
- Move your car!
- How much longer do I have to block people?

133
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,687
- Come on!
- I'm late for the airport.

134
00:04:51,688 --> 00:04:53,359
Dylan, you are being
no help right now!

135
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,848
Sorry, but I'm already
in trouble with dispatch

136
00:04:55,849 --> 00:04:57,750
for drinking
all those little waters.

137
00:04:57,751 --> 00:04:59,596
- Drive! Do it now!
- Aah!

138
00:05:02,049 --> 00:05:03,617
How do I tell her
I snapped a branch

139
00:05:03,618 --> 00:05:05,170
on her beloved lemon tree?

140
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:06,443
I mean, she boils the leaves

141
00:05:06,444 --> 00:05:08,938
to add a scent to her
own work boot oil.

142
00:05:08,982 --> 00:05:11,454
Did I mention she plays
in two softball leagues?

143
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:12,280
Now what are you guys gonna do?

144
00:05:12,281 --> 00:05:13,517
You gonna have
your mom go around

145
00:05:13,518 --> 00:05:17,068
and yell at all these people
and burn a bunch of bridges?

146
00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:19,540
Or are you gonna talk
to your Reubens,

147
00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,859
your Karens, your lemon... lady,

148
00:05:23,421 --> 00:05:24,604
tell 'em how you feel,

149
00:05:24,605 --> 00:05:26,475
appeal to their human side?

150
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,749
The choice is pretty simple, huh?

151
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:33,584
So she's out all day?

152
00:05:33,585 --> 00:05:35,184
- I'll try her cell.
- It's off.

153
00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:37,040
I texted her while dad was talking.

154
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,023
Pilar, I brought you a coffee.

155
00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:43,444
- Oh.
- I put a little something extra in it.

156
00:05:43,823 --> 00:05:46,372
Jay, you devil.

157
00:05:46,378 --> 00:05:48,488
Hey, by the way, look...

158
00:05:49,913 --> 00:05:51,550
It's beautiful, no?

159
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:54,256
It's the dressing gown
for Fulgencio's christening.

160
00:05:54,257 --> 00:05:56,294
All the men in
our family wear this.

161
00:05:56,295 --> 00:05:57,848
What's one more son in a dress?

162
00:05:57,849 --> 00:06:01,030
Oh, tradition.
Oh, it's so important.

163
00:06:01,212 --> 00:06:04,966
I have a gift in here
for little Fulgencio

164
00:06:04,967 --> 00:06:07,550
that has been in my family
for three generations.

165
00:06:07,551 --> 00:06:09,310
You know, about
this naming thing...

166
00:06:09,311 --> 00:06:12,958
In America, it's not real common
to hear the name Fuljencio.

167
00:06:12,959 --> 00:06:14,479
It's "Ful-hen-cio."

168
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,824
- Hen?
- Hen.

169
00:06:15,825 --> 00:06:18,647
I don't need to practice it
'cause I can't name my son that.

170
00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:20,467
I'm just being honest with you.

171
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:22,806
No. No, no, no, no, that's good.

172
00:06:22,807 --> 00:06:24,759
That's good. I should be
more honest with you sometimes.

173
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,401
Well, we've known
each other a few years.

174
00:06:26,402 --> 00:06:27,747
- I don't like you, Jay.
- Huh?

175
00:06:27,748 --> 00:06:30,860
Nah. We can act like
everything is fine for the family,

176
00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:32,698
but, you know,
I have never liked you.

177
00:06:32,699 --> 00:06:35,958
The way you take whatever
looks good to you...

178
00:06:35,959 --> 00:06:39,795
you know, like my daughter
or the last piece of meat.

179
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,787
You're always too busy
to pick me up at the airport.

180
00:06:42,788 --> 00:06:45,827
You send a total stranger
with a cardboard sign.

181
00:06:45,828 --> 00:06:47,097
- Hi, grandma.
- Hey.

182
00:06:47,098 --> 00:06:48,687
Hey, buddy.
Get over here.

183
00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:51,069
I sure do love
the cross you got me.

184
00:06:51,070 --> 00:06:52,455
But do I have to wear it today?

185
00:06:52,456 --> 00:06:54,429
It's kinda hard to close
my shirt over it.

186
00:06:54,430 --> 00:06:55,952
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

187
00:06:55,953 --> 00:06:57,843
You do whatever you want, padrecito.

188
00:06:57,844 --> 00:06:59,690
I know that's
the way in this house.

189
00:06:59,741 --> 00:07:02,985
But if you wear it, ooh,
you'll make me proud.

190
00:07:02,986 --> 00:07:05,272
It's been in my family
for five generations.

191
00:07:05,273 --> 00:07:07,144
- Okay.
- I'll walk you out, buddy.

192
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,576
Is anything in her family new?

193
00:07:11,248 --> 00:07:12,519
Just you.

194
00:07:21,671 --> 00:07:23,293
Okay. Excuse me. Sorry.

195
00:07:23,988 --> 00:07:26,576
All right.
Here we've got the deli platter,

196
00:07:26,768 --> 00:07:28,246
and there's more in my car.

197
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,248
But those are not
from Rumpernook's.

198
00:07:30,249 --> 00:07:32,188
No, because the cheese at Rump...

199
00:07:32,446 --> 00:07:33,742
I don't go there anymore.

200
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,408
I'm going to do the laundry.

201
00:07:35,409 --> 00:07:38,251
Okay, Sonia.
I love you so much.

202
00:07:38,252 --> 00:07:40,246
Wow. Pretty cozy with
the new housekeeper, huh?

203
00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:41,835
She's my sister.

204
00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:44,379
Wow. Pretty weird
with your sister.

205
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:47,419
She likes to keep busy.
But I feel bad for her.

206
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:49,366
I have so much,
and she has nothing.

207
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,379
Okay. Well, people
make their own choices.

208
00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:52,576
It's not like you're responsible.

209
00:07:52,577 --> 00:07:53,792
No, no.

210
00:07:54,772 --> 00:07:56,242
Maybe just a little bit.

211
00:07:56,889 --> 00:07:59,822
I was older and I had
opportunities to travel,

212
00:07:59,823 --> 00:08:00,965
and I took them.

213
00:08:00,966 --> 00:08:03,116
Well, it didn't prevent her
from going anywhere.

214
00:08:03,117 --> 00:08:04,227
No, no.

215
00:08:04,803 --> 00:08:06,273
Maybe just one time.

216
00:08:06,491 --> 00:08:08,578
There was a letter
that arrived from America

217
00:08:08,579 --> 00:08:10,548
about a job opportunity.

218
00:08:10,549 --> 00:08:12,594
And it was only for one person,

219
00:08:12,795 --> 00:08:13,805
and I went.

220
00:08:13,806 --> 00:08:16,819
But it's not like the envelope
was addressed to her,

221
00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,703
and you opened it and...

222
00:08:18,794 --> 00:08:19,579
You're evil.

223
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:21,970
I had to get out of there, Claire.

224
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,662
You just strapped
on those high heels

225
00:08:23,663 --> 00:08:25,905
and walked right over
her back, didn't you?

226
00:08:26,304 --> 00:08:27,912
Maybe a little bit.

227
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:29,678
Where is the river?

228
00:08:32,153 --> 00:08:33,859
Hey, boys!

229
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:34,879
Crispin.

230
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,248
Hey, shouldn't you be preparing

231
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,820
for your annual party
of the century?

232
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:38,753
It's done and it's perfect.

233
00:08:38,754 --> 00:08:40,240
In my mind,
I'm already into next year's.

234
00:08:40,241 --> 00:08:41,464
Listen, I'm here with Brett.

235
00:08:41,465 --> 00:08:42,662
I don't know if you've seen
his new look,

236
00:08:42,663 --> 00:08:44,498
but you are going to have
a heart attack and die.

237
00:08:44,499 --> 00:08:45,159
No one's dying.

238
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,842
- It's just an expression.
- Yeah.

239
00:08:47,124 --> 00:08:48,848
Hey, handsome.

240
00:08:48,849 --> 00:08:50,073
Yep, I did it.

241
00:08:50,074 --> 00:08:51,682
Pulled the trigger and got a perm.

242
00:08:51,683 --> 00:08:52,973
You sure did.

243
00:08:52,974 --> 00:08:55,009
Did it myself,
right in the kitchen.

244
00:08:55,010 --> 00:08:56,493
You don't need
to spend a million

245
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,948
to look like a million.

246
00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:00,216
Uh, you know,
my coffee's probably ready, so...

247
00:09:01,911 --> 00:09:03,156
Bye.

248
00:09:03,695 --> 00:09:05,396
Okay, that's like a chia pet, right?

249
00:09:05,535 --> 00:09:07,269
Maybe a drag production of "Annie"?

250
00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:08,605
Oh, actually, Lily,

251
00:09:08,606 --> 00:09:10,275
I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting

252
00:09:10,276 --> 00:09:11,728
that Brett has feelings,

253
00:09:11,729 --> 00:09:13,207
and we need to try
and not hurt them.

254
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:14,950
Yes, and maybe we should
remind Uncle Crispin

255
00:09:14,951 --> 00:09:16,676
that when you say
nice things to people,

256
00:09:16,677 --> 00:09:18,444
they say nice things back.

257
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,086
Well... consider me reminded.

258
00:09:21,953 --> 00:09:22,603
Gotta run.

259
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:23,809
Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye.

260
00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:24,852
Okay. Yeah, can't wait.
Can't wait.

261
00:09:24,853 --> 00:09:25,848
He's funny.

262
00:09:25,849 --> 00:09:27,969
Yes, he is,
but he can also be biting.

263
00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:30,293
- He bites people?
- Well, with his words,

264
00:09:30,294 --> 00:09:32,027
not with his teeth
like Xander from art class.

265
00:09:32,028 --> 00:09:33,463
We need to confirm
he got his shot.

266
00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:34,272
Yeah.

267
00:09:34,395 --> 00:09:36,881
Oh, my God. Okay, Crispin...

268
00:09:36,882 --> 00:09:39,590
"Too many RSVPs.
Have to make cuts to party.

269
00:09:39,591 --> 00:09:41,517
Maybe next time."
Sad face.

270
00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:44,552
Because we refuse to abuse,

271
00:09:44,553 --> 00:09:46,849
we get banned from
the party of the century?

272
00:09:46,937 --> 00:09:49,773
Does somebody need
a wah-mbulance?

273
00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:52,154
No.
I do not need a wah-mbulance.

274
00:09:53,929 --> 00:09:57,010
Hey, kids. How was your day?

275
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:59,095
I knew the answer to that question.

276
00:09:59,249 --> 00:10:00,557
I'd had kind of a busy day

277
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,101
going around solving
everyone's problems.

278
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:06,265
I started by going to see
my buddy Stavros the florist.

279
00:10:07,339 --> 00:10:08,619
Stavros, I assume?

280
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:09,248
Yes?

281
00:10:09,249 --> 00:10:11,381
I just wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.

282
00:10:11,382 --> 00:10:11,891
Oh, thank you.

283
00:10:11,892 --> 00:10:14,310
Yeah, I brought you
some sandwiches, by the way.

284
00:10:14,311 --> 00:10:15,951
How good is lamb, huh?

285
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,678
- Nikos!
- Oh! Gotcha.

286
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,289
Get back in there.

287
00:10:21,522 --> 00:10:22,721
I'm so sorry.

288
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,736
Is there anything
I can do for you?

289
00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:27,017
Oh, no. No. I...

290
00:10:28,402 --> 00:10:29,366
Well...

291
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,730
That's when I realized
my kids didn't understand

292
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,368
the concept of killing
with kindness

293
00:10:33,369 --> 00:10:35,220
because they'd never seen it.

294
00:10:35,221 --> 00:10:37,835
So I decided I'd prove it to them

295
00:10:38,161 --> 00:10:40,719
by going on a huggacidal rampage.

296
00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,932
Is that Reuben rockin'
the Potter specs?

297
00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:45,715
Quiddiculous!

298
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:46,947
Hey, listen, buddy,

299
00:10:46,948 --> 00:10:48,815
I heard about Luke
calling his teacher "mommy."

300
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,454
Epic fail, by the way.

301
00:10:50,648 --> 00:10:52,269
But, you know, since
you're one of the cool kids,

302
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:55,083
maybe you could ge
the other ones to ease off a little?

303
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,397
Cool. Air bump.

304
00:10:57,625 --> 00:10:59,670
Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy
from down the street.

305
00:10:59,671 --> 00:11:01,028
We haven't met.
I was actually calling

306
00:11:01,029 --> 00:11:02,326
to leave a message for your wife,

307
00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:05,011
just to say thanks
for hiring my daughter Haley.

308
00:11:05,181 --> 00:11:08,190
Listen, we'd love to have you and
the missus over for a glass of wine,

309
00:11:08,191 --> 00:11:10,255
or... or, uh, maybe you and I
could go out for a boys' night.

310
00:11:10,256 --> 00:11:11,617
But anyway, if you could...

311
00:11:11,618 --> 00:11:12,775
Damn it!

312
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:16,715
Hey, Karen Sullivan.
Alex's dad.

313
00:11:16,716 --> 00:11:19,145
Well, look whose teeth
got so nice and straight.

314
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,683
Who wants to go first?

315
00:11:22,703 --> 00:11:23,789
- Are you kidding?
- Are you crazy?

316
00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:25,761
- What are you trying to...
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

317
00:11:25,762 --> 00:11:26,997
One at a time!

318
00:11:26,998 --> 00:11:28,857
You called Ms. Cooper a man!

319
00:11:28,858 --> 00:11:29,670
No, I didn't.

320
00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:32,177
- I got her husband Lee on the machine.
- There is no husband!

321
00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:33,186
She's Lee!

322
00:11:33,187 --> 00:11:35,552
Weirdly deep-voiced,
alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper

323
00:11:35,553 --> 00:11:37,900
who you invited out
for a glass of wine!

324
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:39,832
Thanks to your little
charm offensive with Karen,

325
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,302
one thing did change
about her party...

326
00:11:41,303 --> 00:11:42,389
I'm not invited!

327
00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:44,295
"Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"?

328
00:11:44,296 --> 00:11:46,894
Now the whole school
is just laughing at both of us.

329
00:11:50,395 --> 00:11:52,080
Stavros, hey!

330
00:11:53,812 --> 00:11:55,058
Why not?

331
00:11:58,493 --> 00:11:59,502
What?

332
00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:00,973
Change of plans.

333
00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:02,390
This isn't over.

334
00:12:03,199 --> 00:12:05,512
I want you to wear
something beautiful tonight.

335
00:12:05,513 --> 00:12:07,271
So please, choose.

336
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:08,963
What is this room?

337
00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:10,832
This is the closet.

338
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:12,711
So all the people of the town,

339
00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:14,518
they leave their
nice clothes with you?

340
00:12:14,578 --> 00:12:16,983
No. These are all my clothes.

341
00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:21,213
But... I do miss
the simple things at home.

342
00:12:21,497 --> 00:12:24,504
So tell me, how...
how are things in the village?

343
00:12:24,505 --> 00:12:25,646
We had a flood.

344
00:12:25,647 --> 00:12:28,573
Ay, but it...
it wasn't a bad one, right?

345
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:29,702
We had a boat.

346
00:12:29,703 --> 00:12:31,301
Ay, that's great.

347
00:12:31,488 --> 00:12:32,989
We had a boat.

348
00:12:34,025 --> 00:12:35,768
Are you dating anyone?

349
00:12:35,769 --> 00:12:38,070
You remember Antonio Marquez?

350
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,149
Yes, of course.

351
00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,212
The most handsome boy
in the school

352
00:12:41,213 --> 00:12:43,275
with those beautiful eyes.

353
00:12:43,276 --> 00:12:45,359
His father with the wooden leg...

354
00:12:45,627 --> 00:12:47,153
He lost it in the flood.

355
00:12:48,238 --> 00:12:50,028
So is it serious?

356
00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:54,484
Don't look at that.

357
00:12:54,485 --> 00:12:55,794
I won't. Trust me.

358
00:12:55,795 --> 00:12:56,795
Please. It's pathetic.

359
00:12:56,796 --> 00:12:58,147
Crispin getting all of our friends

360
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,455
to text us the details
of his great party.

361
00:13:00,456 --> 00:13:02,147
Such torture, huh?

362
00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:04,890
Oh, catering by Amelia's.
Ow!

363
00:13:04,891 --> 00:13:06,737
Topless valet Parkers.

364
00:13:06,738 --> 00:13:08,155
- Sting.
- Exactly.

365
00:13:08,156 --> 00:13:11,102
No, Sting is at the party.
Mitchell, I wanna be there.

366
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:12,296
- Cam.
- No, come on.

367
00:13:12,297 --> 00:13:13,685
Who are we kidding?
You do, too.

368
00:13:13,686 --> 00:13:15,074
Today, ladies!

369
00:13:15,075 --> 00:13:16,160
Okay, right there. That.

370
00:13:16,161 --> 00:13:17,779
That is why we are
making the sacrifice...

371
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:18,570
for our daughter.

372
00:13:18,571 --> 00:13:19,448
Oh, yeah, you're right.

373
00:13:19,449 --> 00:13:21,619
I mean, I'm the last one
who should be complaining

374
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:24,469
when, let's face it,
Lily's snarkiness is my doing.

375
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,122
Well, what's done is done.

376
00:13:26,123 --> 00:13:27,850
Let's just get ready for church.

377
00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:30,082
Yeah, I mean, it's just
hard to not feel guilty,

378
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:31,852
you know, when
it's mostly my fault.

379
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,053
I get it.
Just don't beat yourself up.

380
00:13:34,054 --> 00:13:36,225
Hey. Pocket square?
No pocket square?

381
00:13:36,226 --> 00:13:39,320
Really? You're taking zero
of the responsibility, or...

382
00:13:39,425 --> 00:13:42,017
Oh. We're you trying
to get me to take the blame?

383
00:13:42,018 --> 00:13:43,524
Maybe just a little. Uh-huh.

384
00:13:43,525 --> 00:13:45,911
Oh, and deny you the chance
to play the martyr?

385
00:13:46,082 --> 00:13:48,134
Look, Cam, if you're looking
for me to be the bad guy,

386
00:13:48,135 --> 00:13:50,260
you're snarking up
the wrong tree, okay?

387
00:13:50,352 --> 00:13:53,162
You are the one who can't let
a single situation pass

388
00:13:53,163 --> 00:13:54,739
without making a comment.

389
00:13:57,093 --> 00:13:59,178
Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today.

390
00:13:59,179 --> 00:14:00,604
I think it'll make you feel better.

391
00:14:00,605 --> 00:14:02,090
I think I already do.

392
00:14:02,128 --> 00:14:04,102
Right to my face,
"I don't like you."

393
00:14:04,438 --> 00:14:05,464
Nobody doesn't like me.

394
00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:07,845
I'm Jay. I'm...
I'm salt of the earth.

395
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:09,732
Why are you inhaling my baby?

396
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:12,001
Oh, they only smell perfect
like this for a little while.

397
00:14:12,002 --> 00:14:13,693
Yeah. That's the stuff.

398
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:16,092
From day one, I've treated
this woman like a queen.

399
00:14:16,093 --> 00:14:17,676
I've flown her back and forth,

400
00:14:17,677 --> 00:14:19,838
I've... I've tasted her native food.

401
00:14:19,839 --> 00:14:21,251
You know what chin tastes like?

402
00:14:21,252 --> 00:14:22,506
- Mm.
- 'Cause I do.

403
00:14:22,593 --> 00:14:24,063
And now to find out...

404
00:14:25,377 --> 00:14:26,377
What? I'm listening.

405
00:14:26,378 --> 00:14:27,938
You're rubbing yourself
with the baby.

406
00:14:27,939 --> 00:14:29,864
I have seen you
French kiss your dog.

407
00:14:29,865 --> 00:14:31,747
She was taking a treat
out of my mouth.

408
00:14:31,748 --> 00:14:32,601
That's a trick.

409
00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:33,836
I am sure you know

410
00:14:33,837 --> 00:14:35,661
what I find funny
about this situation.

411
00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:36,527
What?

412
00:14:36,528 --> 00:14:39,170
You have an in-law who,
no matter what you do,

413
00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:41,946
no matter how hard you try,
you can't win over.

414
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,025
What about it?

415
00:14:43,578 --> 00:14:45,064
Wait. That doesn't sound familiar?

416
00:14:47,049 --> 00:14:48,136
You're not saying...

417
00:14:48,712 --> 00:14:49,639
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.

418
00:14:50,817 --> 00:14:52,513
Son of a bitch, I'm Phil.

419
00:14:59,016 --> 00:15:00,299
Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold.

420
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,878
Here. Why don't you take my jacket?

421
00:15:01,879 --> 00:15:03,578
Sure, yeah.
Make me the rude one.

422
00:15:03,579 --> 00:15:05,318
Look, I'm sorry
that I pointed out

423
00:15:05,319 --> 00:15:07,242
that we're both
to blame here, all right?

424
00:15:07,243 --> 00:15:09,064
But let's not turn
this lovely event

425
00:15:09,065 --> 00:15:11,353
into a competition.
Here you go, sweetie.

426
00:15:11,353 --> 00:15:13,392
Oh, you know what? You're right.
I shouldn't be picking at you.

427
00:15:13,393 --> 00:15:14,890
But don't forget to light your candle.

428
00:15:14,891 --> 00:15:16,456
I think everyone in the immediate
family's doing it.

429
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,126
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Good... good idea.

430
00:15:21,622 --> 00:15:22,405
What the hell is that?

431
00:15:22,406 --> 00:15:25,108
Some kind of gay protest thing?

432
00:15:25,109 --> 00:15:26,967
It's a candle, dad.
What are you talking about?

433
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,577
You' purple panty tail.

434
00:15:28,578 --> 00:15:30,093
Oh, no. Oh, come on.

435
00:15:30,094 --> 00:15:32,708
We're in church, Mitchell,
not some disco.

436
00:15:34,442 --> 00:15:35,536
You did that on purpose!

437
00:15:35,537 --> 00:15:37,297
Oh, this stained glass is beautiful.

438
00:15:37,298 --> 00:15:38,632
Now listen, before
we dunk the kid,

439
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,613
you mind if I make
a few casual remarks?

440
00:15:40,614 --> 00:15:42,172
I think you already did.

441
00:15:42,179 --> 00:15:43,801
Claire asked me a good question...

442
00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:46,126
how did Phil win me over?

443
00:15:46,458 --> 00:15:47,743
Well, he hasn't yet.

444
00:15:47,744 --> 00:15:50,189
But when he stops trying so hard,

445
00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:52,678
and he acts like a real person,
he comes close.

446
00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:54,925
That's what I needed
to do with Pilar.

447
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,850
I'd like to tell you the story

448
00:15:56,851 --> 00:15:58,888
of how I came to meet
my incredible wife,

449
00:15:58,889 --> 00:16:00,795
because up until
the birth of this child,

450
00:16:00,796 --> 00:16:02,835
it's the best thing that
ever happened to me.

451
00:16:02,973 --> 00:16:03,974
Mm, that feels good huh?

452
00:16:03,975 --> 00:16:06,181
So it's morning.
My car's getting waxed.

453
00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,572
I hop in the diner.

454
00:16:07,573 --> 00:16:08,920
I hear this adorable accent.

455
00:16:08,921 --> 00:16:11,541
I turn. I see this pretty girl
talking to her friend.

456
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:13,174
I send over a piece of pie.

457
00:16:13,175 --> 00:16:14,506
- All class.
- Mm-hmm.

458
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,640
Couple of minutes later,

459
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:18,997
who comes over
to thank me but Gloria,

460
00:16:19,284 --> 00:16:21,096
the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

461
00:16:21,097 --> 00:16:21,920
Amen.

462
00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:23,895
She sits down, we start talking,

463
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,573
and we haven't stopped talking since.

464
00:16:26,893 --> 00:16:28,275
But here's the crazy part...

465
00:16:28,276 --> 00:16:30,009
I didn't send the pie to Gloria.

466
00:16:30,454 --> 00:16:31,726
Her back was to me.

467
00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:33,080
I sent it to her friend,

468
00:16:33,081 --> 00:16:34,831
who went to the bathroom
and missed it.

469
00:16:35,289 --> 00:16:37,016
And that person is here today...

470
00:16:37,017 --> 00:16:38,879
Gloria's sister Sonia.

471
00:16:39,518 --> 00:16:41,498
Isn't it funny how
a simple twist of fate

472
00:16:41,499 --> 00:16:42,668
can change the whole...

473
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,029
You stole my life!

474
00:16:44,030 --> 00:16:46,874
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.

475
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:47,845
I got Sonia!

476
00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:53,232
No more. I want
my own life, my own bed,

477
00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:54,835
my own e-mail account!

478
00:16:54,836 --> 00:16:56,907
Yeah, leave your
poor old mother alone.

479
00:16:57,107 --> 00:16:58,905
Don't worry mamá,
you can come and live with us.

480
00:16:59,025 --> 00:17:00,639
Whoa. Pump the brakes here.

481
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,259
What? Do you have
a problem with my mother?

482
00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:03,793
No. Your mother
has a problem with me.

483
00:17:03,794 --> 00:17:06,316
You think she's helpless.
Ask her what's in that box.

484
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,692
It's not the family gun?

485
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,307
Jay, if anything
should happen to Gloria,

486
00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:11,660
I am there for you.

487
00:17:11,661 --> 00:17:13,676
What, Sonia?
What's going to happen to me?

488
00:17:13,677 --> 00:17:15,802
You might go for a walk
in your closet one day

489
00:17:15,803 --> 00:17:17,444
and never come back!

490
00:17:20,135 --> 00:17:21,447
See what you're missing?
Huh?

491
00:17:24,466 --> 00:17:25,824
Where is Luke?

492
00:17:25,858 --> 00:17:27,681
I think he's the one
standing next to Matthew.

493
00:17:27,682 --> 00:17:28,873
Phil.

494
00:17:29,071 --> 00:17:30,427
He was feeling a little
under the weather.

495
00:17:30,428 --> 00:17:31,322
I let him stay home.

496
00:17:31,323 --> 00:17:33,199
Or is he just too embarrassed
to leave the house?

497
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,657
Why would he be embarrassed?

498
00:17:34,658 --> 00:17:36,398
Because dad tried
to fix all our problems,

499
00:17:36,399 --> 00:17:38,235
and instead, ruined all our lives.

500
00:17:38,236 --> 00:17:39,426
Nightmare.

501
00:17:39,474 --> 00:17:41,352
You girls are so dramatic.

502
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,773
Do I need to call you
a wah-mbulance?

503
00:17:43,774 --> 00:17:46,276
Wah-wah, wah-wah.

504
00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:49,542
- Did you hear that?
- Yes!

505
00:17:49,543 --> 00:17:51,392
Claire's been driving Lily
to dance class all week.

506
00:17:51,393 --> 00:17:52,451
That's where she gets it from!

507
00:17:52,452 --> 00:17:54,633
- We're not bad parents. Claire is.
- Huh.

508
00:17:55,614 --> 00:17:56,676
I said I wasn't gonna cry,

509
00:17:56,677 --> 00:17:58,365
but, oh, boy, here it comes.
Hmm!

510
00:17:59,833 --> 00:18:02,036
- No, no, Cam. Not with those.
- Huh?

511
00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:05,557
Okay! That's it!

512
00:18:05,806 --> 00:18:07,836
We're in a House of God, damn it.

513
00:18:08,051 --> 00:18:11,049
Fine. Everyone just abandon me.

514
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,551
Pilar, all due respect,

515
00:18:12,552 --> 00:18:14,021
no one's buying the martyr act.

516
00:18:14,022 --> 00:18:15,342
Not even this guy.

517
00:18:15,353 --> 00:18:17,551
You ask me, you've been keeping
this one under your thumb

518
00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:19,456
'cause you're afraid
of going on with your life.

519
00:18:19,457 --> 00:18:22,250
But you're an attractive woman
with a lot to offer.

520
00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:23,674
This could be an opportunity.

521
00:18:23,675 --> 00:18:25,487
Hell, I don't even think
I knew what happiness was

522
00:18:25,488 --> 00:18:26,464
till I was 60.

523
00:18:26,465 --> 00:18:27,786
And the hits just keep coming.
Okay.

524
00:18:27,787 --> 00:18:29,873
Sonia, we're gonna help you
get your own place,

525
00:18:30,031 --> 00:18:31,446
have some independence.

526
00:18:31,447 --> 00:18:32,702
And if you ever get lonely,

527
00:18:32,703 --> 00:18:34,821
you come visit us
as much as you want...

528
00:18:34,975 --> 00:18:36,510
With... within reason.

529
00:18:36,609 --> 00:18:39,079
- And we'll send this one
down to visit you. - What?

530
00:18:39,081 --> 00:18:41,775
But he's not gonna become
a priest 'cause he likes girls.

531
00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:43,768
Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em.

532
00:18:43,864 --> 00:18:46,494
So... everybody think about it.

533
00:18:46,495 --> 00:18:47,353
But not for too long.

534
00:18:47,354 --> 00:18:49,240
There's an A.A. meeting
here at 6:00.

535
00:18:50,557 --> 00:18:52,643
Sonia, please,
let us do this for you.

536
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:54,651
I really want you to be happy.

537
00:18:55,074 --> 00:18:56,577
Can you forgive me?

538
00:18:56,823 --> 00:18:58,160
It will take some time.

539
00:18:58,161 --> 00:18:59,583
As much as you need.

540
00:18:59,766 --> 00:19:00,870
And some dresses.

541
00:19:00,871 --> 00:19:02,109
As many as you want.

542
00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:03,430
And some shoes.

543
00:19:03,902 --> 00:19:05,308
You're angry now.

544
00:19:06,904 --> 00:19:08,359
Whatever happened with the kids,

545
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,294
I don't want you
to feel bad about it.

546
00:19:10,422 --> 00:19:11,573
I don't.

547
00:19:12,564 --> 00:19:16,402
I now invite the godfather
and the godmother to join us.

548
00:19:16,570 --> 00:19:17,577
Don't worry.

549
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:19,325
I will take care
of everything tomorrow.

550
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,595
That may not be necessary,
my wife.

551
00:19:23,127 --> 00:19:25,633
Phil and Claire, as godparents,

552
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:26,739
are you ready to help

553
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:29,318
the parents of this child
in their duties?

554
00:19:29,319 --> 00:19:30,557
- We are.
- We are.

555
00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:32,829
Do you renounce Satan?

556
00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:39,479
- I do renounce him.
- I do renounce him.

557
00:19:44,533 --> 00:19:46,140
And all his works?

558
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:52,931
I do renounce them.

559
00:19:56,232 --> 00:19:58,869
Hey! Hey!

560
00:20:03,623 --> 00:20:05,685
And all his empty promises?

561
00:20:11,074 --> 00:20:12,528
Oh, my God!

562
00:20:13,848 --> 00:20:15,462
I do renounce them.

563
00:20:17,944 --> 00:20:20,965
Godfather, is it your wish
that this child be baptized?

564
00:20:21,933 --> 00:20:23,076
It is.

565
00:20:38,632 --> 00:20:41,908
In the name of the father
and the son and the holy spirit,

566
00:20:42,547 --> 00:20:44,466
what name have you given the child?

567
00:20:44,482 --> 00:20:47,199
Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.

568
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,267
May God be with you all.

569
00:20:51,046 --> 00:20:52,015
Thank you, Jay.

570
00:20:52,016 --> 00:20:53,558
We're never gonna call him that.

571
00:21:03,419 --> 00:21:06,752
So I heard that somebody
released a bunch of rats

572
00:21:06,753 --> 00:21:08,822
into Karen Sullivan's party
the other night.

573
00:21:08,823 --> 00:21:13,268
And Lee Cooper's camper
just rolled into her lemon tree.

574
00:21:13,519 --> 00:21:15,095
Luke isn't having any problem
at school anymore,

575
00:21:15,096 --> 00:21:17,668
because Reuben admitted
he made the whole thing up.

576
00:21:17,989 --> 00:21:18,877
Isn't that crazy,

577
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,276
how all our of kids' problems
just disappeared?

578
00:21:21,909 --> 00:21:24,211
Don't ever ask me
about my business, Claire.

579
00:21:25,088 --> 00:21:26,491
What are you talking about?

580
00:21:26,587 --> 00:21:28,270
Don't ask me about my business.

581
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:29,269
I wasn't.

582
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:30,668
Good.

583
00:21:31,296 --> 00:21:32,414
Don't.

584
00:21:32,614 --> 00:21:41,206
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
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