1
00:00:00,013 --> 00:00:01,427
I'm back.

2
00:00:02,368 --> 00:00:04,878
Okay, let me see,
let me see, let me see!

3
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:07,014
You guys are want to, um...

4
00:00:07,727 --> 00:00:08,798
Oh, my God!

5
00:00:08,799 --> 00:00:11,884
I love it!

6
00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:13,101
All clear.

7
00:00:13,994 --> 00:00:15,097
Okay, so...

8
00:00:16,073 --> 00:00:18,144
So good! It is so good!

9
00:00:19,137 --> 00:00:19,986
For the last few months,

10
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,119
Cam and I have been redoing
a house together

11
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:22,950
that we're gonna flip,

12
00:00:22,951 --> 00:00:24,984
and I have to say,
it has been goin' great!

13
00:00:24,985 --> 00:00:26,773
We make an amazing team.

14
00:00:26,774 --> 00:00:29,298
- Yeah. The key is trust.
- Absolutely.

15
00:00:29,299 --> 00:00:32,568
The key is, I let Claire
think she's in charge.

16
00:00:32,569 --> 00:00:35,459
I hide what I want in something
bigger and more expensive.

17
00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:37,207
Then when she rejects that,

18
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:40,461
we "compromise"
on what I wanted all along.

19
00:00:40,597 --> 00:00:42,494
I call my method "the Trojan horse."

20
00:00:42,495 --> 00:00:45,071
You know how I got Lily?
I asked Mitchell for triplets.

21
00:00:45,439 --> 00:00:46,229
- Okay.
- Uh-huh?

22
00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:47,749
You are going to love

23
00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:49,619
what I found
for the kitchen countertops.

24
00:00:51,330 --> 00:00:52,845
It's from Carrarra, Italy.

25
00:00:52,926 --> 00:00:56,028
It's where Michelangelo
got the marble to make the "David."

26
00:00:56,169 --> 00:00:59,462
Oh. Now we know why the "David"
couldn't afford any clothes.

27
00:00:59,463 --> 00:01:00,904
Okay, well, uh...

28
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:03,375
I also found this one.

29
00:01:03,614 --> 00:01:06,228
It's not as nice,
but it's less expensive.

30
00:01:06,545 --> 00:01:08,358
Well, it's still over budget, but...

31
00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:10,385
I guess it's okay.

32
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:11,885
- Mm.
- Yeah.

33
00:01:11,886 --> 00:01:13,668
By the way, we couldn't get
the powder room fixtures you wanted.

34
00:01:13,669 --> 00:01:14,461
What? Why?

35
00:01:14,462 --> 00:01:18,665
Well, they're 23%,
or $982, over the budget.

36
00:01:18,666 --> 00:01:22,936
Keeping in mind, that space
is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.

37
00:01:22,937 --> 00:01:24,651
Whenever I need to rein
in Cam's spending,

38
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:28,622
I employ something that I like
to call "the number dump."

39
00:01:28,623 --> 00:01:32,241
So... unless you wanna cut 16%,

40
00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:35,900
or $1,764 from somewhere
in the flooring budget,

41
00:01:35,901 --> 00:01:37,668
we've gotta find another 4% overall.

42
00:01:37,669 --> 00:01:39,841
Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty,
it's fine. It's fine.

43
00:01:39,842 --> 00:01:42,694
Yesterday, I accidentally
said "eleventy-five."

44
00:01:51,584 --> 00:01:55,080
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

45
00:01:56,236 --> 00:01:58,663
So everybody knows how hard
I worked on that project.

46
00:01:58,664 --> 00:01:59,642
I mean...

47
00:02:03,378 --> 00:02:04,479
Hey, wait. What are you doing?

48
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:05,924
Trying to put the sugar
back in the thing.

49
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:07,292
Well, just go get the broom.

50
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:08,627
I'll eat it for a dollar.

51
00:02:08,736 --> 00:02:10,543
What did I say about
eating things for money?

52
00:02:10,544 --> 00:02:12,527
Charge the most.
Then people will think you're worth it.

53
00:02:12,528 --> 00:02:14,159
That's right.
That's at least $5.

54
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,388
- Hey, he said a dollar.
- Broom.

55
00:02:16,659 --> 00:02:18,453
Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf,

56
00:02:18,454 --> 00:02:19,923
and the closet light's burnt out.

57
00:02:19,924 --> 00:02:21,744
- So just change it.
- I can't reach it.

58
00:02:21,745 --> 00:02:24,054
Oh, if only there was
some magical way

59
00:02:24,055 --> 00:02:26,251
of getting up closer to the ceiling.

60
00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:28,057
Okay, now you just
sound like Dylan.

61
00:02:28,058 --> 00:02:29,957
- I'm saying get a step stool.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

62
00:02:29,958 --> 00:02:31,770
One thing at a time, okay?

63
00:02:31,771 --> 00:02:33,161
What is happening?

64
00:02:33,349 --> 00:02:34,420
I'm sweeping.

65
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:35,246
No, you're not sweeping.

66
00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:36,847
You're just spreading it all around.

67
00:02:36,848 --> 00:02:39,091
It's gonna cost more if
you want me to eat it now.

68
00:02:39,916 --> 00:02:40,949
That's when it hit me...

69
00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:43,636
my daughters know nothing
about home care and maintenance.

70
00:02:43,637 --> 00:02:45,382
I don't want 'em to be dependent.

71
00:02:45,383 --> 00:02:47,065
It's up to me to show them
what a modern,

72
00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:49,177
self-sufficient woman looks like.

73
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:54,657
Careful. Keep that up,

74
00:02:54,658 --> 00:02:57,068
he'll have to hit "numero dos"
when he calls the DMV.

75
00:02:57,069 --> 00:02:58,957
By the time he's old enough to call,

76
00:02:58,958 --> 00:03:00,823
it will be "numero uno."

77
00:03:01,646 --> 00:03:02,664
Ay, there he is.

78
00:03:02,665 --> 00:03:05,136
Manny, why did you
have breakfast alone outside?

79
00:03:05,137 --> 00:03:06,949
I felt like eating
breakfast alfresco.

80
00:03:06,950 --> 00:03:08,290
Does that mean
he had his pants off?

81
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:09,927
Because if I can't, he can't.

82
00:03:09,928 --> 00:03:13,813
Jay, he's been eating outside
on his own all week.

83
00:03:13,814 --> 00:03:15,509
Do you think that he feels left out

84
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:17,596
because of all
the attention I give Joe?

85
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:18,880
You know, I've been
wondering the same thing.

86
00:03:18,881 --> 00:03:21,249
Tell you what... why don't
I have some father-son time

87
00:03:21,250 --> 00:03:22,551
with Joe this afternoon

88
00:03:22,552 --> 00:03:24,383
and give you some time with Manny?

89
00:03:24,785 --> 00:03:26,114
Ay, that's so sweet.

90
00:03:26,115 --> 00:03:27,939
You can take Joe to his baby class.

91
00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:29,821
Gloria, I think he already
knows how to be a baby.

92
00:03:29,822 --> 00:03:32,203
I love you,
but I can't laugh at that again.

93
00:03:32,706 --> 00:03:35,971
Manny, how about
I pick you up after school,

94
00:03:35,972 --> 00:03:37,779
and we both have a special day?

95
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:39,006
Well, I did talk to Jay

96
00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:40,805
about getting some tickets
for this reading.

97
00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:41,816
What reading?

98
00:03:41,817 --> 00:03:42,777
Seriously?

99
00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:44,266
The stage reading of "Moby Dick"?

100
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,611
I told you about it last night.

101
00:03:45,612 --> 00:03:48,084
I have zero recollection of this.

102
00:03:48,085 --> 00:03:50,054
I knew I shouldn't have
poured you that second scotch.

103
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:51,436
Sorry, buddy,
but I already committed

104
00:03:51,437 --> 00:03:52,405
to spending the afternoon with Joe

105
00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:54,249
so you and your mom
could have more time together.

106
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:55,513
Hey, maybe she can take you.

107
00:03:55,514 --> 00:03:57,187
- Can we, mom?
- Of course, mi amor.

108
00:03:57,188 --> 00:03:59,361
It's your special day.
We'll do whatever you want.

109
00:03:59,362 --> 00:04:02,462
Great. This is gonna be
four hours you'll never forget.

110
00:04:02,852 --> 00:04:05,499
Hey, buddy.
Looks like it's just the dos of us.

111
00:04:07,119 --> 00:04:09,852
Why do I feel that
you did something shifty?

112
00:04:09,853 --> 00:04:10,670
I have no idea.

113
00:04:10,671 --> 00:04:12,549
But I gotta say,
it's not your best quality.

114
00:04:14,022 --> 00:04:15,756
All right, sweetie,
you have a good day.

115
00:04:16,370 --> 00:04:18,242
Watch me play handball, daddy.

116
00:04:18,243 --> 00:04:19,170
Oh, okay.

117
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:20,381
Next!

118
00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:22,800
That's Milo. He beats everybody.

119
00:04:23,991 --> 00:04:25,687
Next loser!

120
00:04:26,351 --> 00:04:28,638
- He's mean.
- Yeah, I'm gettin' that.

121
00:04:30,635 --> 00:04:32,532
Next!

122
00:04:33,168 --> 00:04:34,602
Another girl?

123
00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:36,155
Hey, sweetie? Sweetie?

124
00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:37,881
You're gonna do great, okay?

125
00:04:37,931 --> 00:04:39,547
If you say so.

126
00:04:39,903 --> 00:04:40,807
Next!

127
00:04:40,808 --> 00:04:42,396
Uh, Milo?
That... that was my fault.

128
00:04:42,397 --> 00:04:43,493
I distracted her,

129
00:04:43,494 --> 00:04:44,562
so maybe she could just go again?

130
00:04:44,563 --> 00:04:46,670
No do-overs. Next!

131
00:04:46,805 --> 00:04:49,388
Well, I'm next, and I would like
to give her my turn.

132
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,549
No switcheroos.
Are you playing or not?

133
00:04:51,550 --> 00:04:54,580
- No.
- Chicken. Next.

134
00:04:54,588 --> 00:04:56,842
I hate bullies.
I've hated them my whole life.

135
00:04:56,843 --> 00:04:58,990
I hated them when they
were named Scott Dworkin

136
00:04:58,991 --> 00:05:01,908
or Greg Pechenko
or Katie Greenwald.

137
00:05:03,531 --> 00:05:05,496
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna play.

138
00:05:05,537 --> 00:05:07,223
But, daddy, he's really good.

139
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,210
Well, I'm really good, too.

140
00:05:08,211 --> 00:05:10,026
- But it's a sport.
- I got this.

141
00:05:10,027 --> 00:05:11,243
You done talking?

142
00:05:11,404 --> 00:05:12,936
You know, it's really appropriate
that we're at a school,

143
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,894
because I'm about
to teach you a lesson.

144
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,935
Next!

145
00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:21,661
All right.
Sorry, sweetheart.

146
00:05:21,777 --> 00:05:23,142
Here, I'll walk you to class.

147
00:05:23,352 --> 00:05:24,891
No, thank you, mister.

148
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:25,939
But...

149
00:05:31,388 --> 00:05:32,419
Whatcha doin'?

150
00:05:33,756 --> 00:05:35,235
I think I have an idea.

151
00:05:40,262 --> 00:05:43,539
Okay. Every house needs
a "wow" factor, right?

152
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:46,247
- Mm... - What is the one
thing this backyard is missing?

153
00:05:46,248 --> 00:05:48,351
- A qualified buyer?
- Now don't be silly.

154
00:05:48,352 --> 00:05:51,539
No. A water feature
with a fire element.

155
00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,753
Oh, God, no.

156
00:05:52,754 --> 00:05:54,580
No, no, please.
Now just imagine...

157
00:05:54,581 --> 00:05:56,312
this entire back wall

158
00:05:56,313 --> 00:05:59,878
cascading into a reservoir
that erupts into flames

159
00:05:59,879 --> 00:06:01,983
on the quarter hour.
How does that sound?

160
00:06:01,984 --> 00:06:03,803
Like we need a white tiger.

161
00:06:03,804 --> 00:06:05,017
Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.

162
00:06:05,018 --> 00:06:07,063
So let's just do a couple
dancing water fountains,

163
00:06:07,064 --> 00:06:09,073
- call it a day.
- No, wait. Cam, Cam, Cam.

164
00:06:09,074 --> 00:06:10,564
That's gonna still put us, like,

165
00:06:10,565 --> 00:06:12,157
$3,500 over our landscape budget.

166
00:06:12,158 --> 00:06:13,758
Right now, we're
40-12 percent higher

167
00:06:13,759 --> 00:06:14,798
than I thought we'd be at this point

168
00:06:14,799 --> 00:06:16,730
because Smitty added
that 8% surcharge.

169
00:06:16,731 --> 00:06:18,825
I'm sorry...
Did you just say 40-12 percent?

170
00:06:18,929 --> 00:06:19,615
Mm, no, I didn't.

171
00:06:19,616 --> 00:06:21,160
Yes, you did.
You do this all the time.

172
00:06:21,161 --> 00:06:24,085
You just throw numbers at me
to frighten and confuse me.

173
00:06:24,361 --> 00:06:26,186
And here I thought we were
working so well together,

174
00:06:26,187 --> 00:06:27,725
and you're just being manipulative.

175
00:06:27,726 --> 00:06:28,839
What about you, Cam?

176
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,742
Pitching these crazy,
over-the-top ideas

177
00:06:30,743 --> 00:06:32,794
just so you can slip in
what you really want.

178
00:06:32,795 --> 00:06:36,055
Oh, how dare you accuse me
of Trojan horsing you.

179
00:06:36,056 --> 00:06:37,547
You have a name for it?

180
00:06:37,548 --> 00:06:38,619
No, I mean...

181
00:06:38,778 --> 00:06:40,216
You know what?
I will not stand here

182
00:06:40,217 --> 00:06:42,043
and be accused by the likes of you.

183
00:06:42,044 --> 00:06:43,359
And if there was a door here, missy,

184
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,814
I would slam it your face.

185
00:06:44,815 --> 00:06:48,039
Oh-ho! I thought we weren't
flaming till the quarter hour!

186
00:06:54,406 --> 00:06:56,409
Gloria and Manny
left me alone with Joe,

187
00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:59,071
and it was great...
for about 20 minutes.

188
00:06:59,717 --> 00:07:01,373
Then the little bugger
turned on me.

189
00:07:01,374 --> 00:07:03,220
I tried everything
to calm him down...

190
00:07:03,221 --> 00:07:04,961
Bouncing. Bottle.

191
00:07:04,962 --> 00:07:06,816
Brightly colored objects.

192
00:07:07,163 --> 00:07:08,393
Bigger bottle.

193
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,704
So I did the old
"put him in the car" trick.

194
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:12,006
But I could still
hear him out there.

195
00:07:12,007 --> 00:07:13,085
I'm just kidding.

196
00:07:13,086 --> 00:07:14,755
I drove him to his little class,

197
00:07:14,756 --> 00:07:16,967
but he dozed off
right before we got there.

198
00:07:17,121 --> 00:07:19,558
Or he took a page from
the Jay Pritchett playbook...

199
00:07:19,559 --> 00:07:23,501
saw the crap he was in for
and pretended to be asleep.

200
00:07:24,163 --> 00:07:25,426
Mr. Pritchett?

201
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:27,130
- Yeah.
- Rachel Lissy.

202
00:07:27,131 --> 00:07:28,852
Claire's friend from
High School, remember?

203
00:07:28,853 --> 00:07:29,724
How could I forget?

204
00:07:29,725 --> 00:07:32,206
You knocked down
my mailbox with your K-car.

205
00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:33,962
Again, I apologize.

206
00:07:33,963 --> 00:07:35,482
- How you doin'?
- Couldn't be better.

207
00:07:35,483 --> 00:07:37,396
I've been married for 15 years,

208
00:07:37,397 --> 00:07:38,931
two great boys over there.

209
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:42,004
Cooper! Unhand your brother!

210
00:07:43,926 --> 00:07:46,003
I'm taking them
to the James Bond movie,

211
00:07:46,004 --> 00:07:48,793
and they don't want me
to sit with them.

212
00:07:49,876 --> 00:07:50,862
I miss babies.

213
00:07:50,863 --> 00:07:52,062
Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh?

214
00:07:52,063 --> 00:07:54,452
- So nice to see you.
- Nice seeing you.

215
00:07:55,048 --> 00:07:56,238
Great kids.

216
00:07:58,605 --> 00:07:59,786
Ugh! No, you're not!

217
00:08:01,188 --> 00:08:03,456
Joe, I found a better way
for us to bond...

218
00:08:05,273 --> 00:08:06,625
James Bond.

219
00:08:08,332 --> 00:08:10,091
My dad taught me everything
there is to know

220
00:08:10,092 --> 00:08:11,464
about maintaining a home,

221
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:13,933
and today,
that tradition continues.

222
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:16,460
Voila! Light bulb changed.

223
00:08:16,585 --> 00:08:19,736
Hey, I have an idea.

224
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,760
Let's get to know the house, huh?

225
00:08:21,832 --> 00:08:22,724
Hey, I have an idea...

226
00:08:22,725 --> 00:08:24,123
let's lock him in.

227
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:27,355
Okay. Let's go over
this baby right here.

228
00:08:27,356 --> 00:08:28,673
What are we lookin' at, huh?

229
00:08:28,831 --> 00:08:30,407
Photosynthesis?

230
00:08:33,225 --> 00:08:34,896
In a sense, yeah.

231
00:08:34,897 --> 00:08:35,976
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

232
00:08:35,996 --> 00:08:38,792
Uh, photosynthesis
converts carbon dioxide

233
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:40,076
into food for plants,

234
00:08:40,077 --> 00:08:44,014
this water heater converts
cold water into hot.

235
00:08:44,015 --> 00:08:45,932
What converts this
conversation into over?

236
00:08:45,933 --> 00:08:47,394
Girls, you need
to learn these things.

237
00:08:47,395 --> 00:08:49,712
You might find yourselves
living alone at some point.

238
00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:53,521
I long for the day.

239
00:08:53,522 --> 00:08:56,029
Okay, we're just gonna start with
something really basic, all right?

240
00:08:56,030 --> 00:08:58,283
I am turning the pilot light off.

241
00:08:58,284 --> 00:08:59,841
These things go out occasionally.

242
00:08:59,842 --> 00:09:01,663
- Why?
- I don't know. No one knows.

243
00:09:01,664 --> 00:09:03,042
Let's just say gremlins do it.

244
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,493
But if it happens to you,
what do you do?

245
00:09:05,494 --> 00:09:06,702
- Call a guy.
- Or a girl.

246
00:09:06,703 --> 00:09:08,286
Oh, my God,
we're literally in a closet,

247
00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:09,913
- and you just said that.
- Focus.

248
00:09:09,964 --> 00:09:12,617
You don't call anyone.
To re-light the pilot,

249
00:09:12,659 --> 00:09:14,122
turn the valve to "pilot,"

250
00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:16,247
you press it down
to begin the flow of gas,

251
00:09:16,248 --> 00:09:17,822
you wait a few seconds...

252
00:09:18,693 --> 00:09:20,259
Where you guys from originally?

253
00:09:21,529 --> 00:09:23,596
And you just press the igniter.

254
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:24,668
There you go.

255
00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:27,321
That's odd.
Why is it not working?

256
00:09:27,322 --> 00:09:29,504
Oh, I got it.
Why don't we just fill it up

257
00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:31,184
with hot water from the tap?

258
00:09:32,103 --> 00:09:33,724
Found another light that's out.

259
00:09:34,444 --> 00:09:37,330
Claire and I were at a stalemate
on the water feature.

260
00:09:37,331 --> 00:09:40,099
So I brought in
an experienced professional

261
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,546
to help break the tie.

262
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,801
Pam also happens to be a friend

263
00:09:43,802 --> 00:09:46,428
and a fellow gay parent
at Lily's school.

264
00:09:46,429 --> 00:09:49,602
Am I trying to stack
the deck against Claire here?

265
00:09:49,770 --> 00:09:52,359
No. I would never be so...

266
00:09:53,387 --> 00:09:54,505
genius.

267
00:09:57,443 --> 00:09:58,192
Hi.

268
00:09:58,193 --> 00:10:00,023
Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam.

269
00:10:00,024 --> 00:10:01,955
- Pam, Claire.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

270
00:10:01,956 --> 00:10:04,412
- You, too.
- Pam is a licensed contractor.

271
00:10:04,413 --> 00:10:05,863
- Done a lot of houses.
- Uh-huh?

272
00:10:05,864 --> 00:10:07,716
I thought it'd be nice
to bring in a third party

273
00:10:07,717 --> 00:10:09,982
that's objective, to help
settle the fountain dispute.

274
00:10:09,983 --> 00:10:12,175
Oh. Objective, right.

275
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,156
Well, my son does
go to school with Lily,

276
00:10:14,157 --> 00:10:16,147
but believe me, that is not
gonna sway my decision

277
00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:18,439
- any more than the fact
that you are beautiful. - Hmm?

278
00:10:19,102 --> 00:10:20,969
Thank you. You are, too.

279
00:10:20,970 --> 00:10:21,945
Thank you.

280
00:10:22,419 --> 00:10:23,555
Let me grab your cans.

281
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,883
Your paint cans.

282
00:10:25,313 --> 00:10:26,365
There you go.

283
00:10:26,366 --> 00:10:27,557
So...

284
00:10:34,906 --> 00:10:36,224
Hey, what's the matter, Joe?

285
00:10:36,225 --> 00:10:39,311
Hey, that's a boy.
That's a boy.

286
00:10:40,156 --> 00:10:42,794
Come here. There you go.

287
00:10:42,965 --> 00:10:45,090
Here you are. There you go.

288
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:46,289
There you go.

289
00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:49,047
You know, I'm happy
to take him outside

290
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,962
- until he stops crying.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.

291
00:10:50,963 --> 00:10:53,144
It's fine. Once Daniel Craig
put his shirt back on,

292
00:10:53,145 --> 00:10:54,333
- I lost interest.
- Are you sure?

293
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:55,941
- Absolutely.
- Okay.

294
00:10:56,158 --> 00:10:58,014
Here... just go ahead.
Attaboy.

295
00:10:58,368 --> 00:11:00,119
Attaboy.
Thank you very much.

296
00:11:00,211 --> 00:11:01,412
I'll be right outside.

297
00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:02,359
- Okay.
- Shh!

298
00:11:02,907 --> 00:11:04,291
You shush, Nathan!

299
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,436
Stupid thing!

300
00:11:08,437 --> 00:11:10,053
Dad, we've been
standing here forever.

301
00:11:10,054 --> 00:11:11,294
Can't we just call the guy?

302
00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:13,160
No. There is no guy.
I'm the guy.

303
00:11:13,161 --> 00:11:14,884
Here's what I need you to do.
Run to the hardware store,

304
00:11:14,885 --> 00:11:17,203
get me a T6 torx screwdriver.

305
00:11:17,204 --> 00:11:18,660
- What?
- Just ask the guy.

306
00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:19,763
I thought there was no guy.

307
00:11:19,764 --> 00:11:20,780
There is one there!

308
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:21,987
- Could be a girl.
- Eh?

309
00:11:21,988 --> 00:11:23,215
Just go!

310
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:25,907
I didn't need a torx screwdriver.

311
00:11:25,908 --> 00:11:27,358
I've always wanted one, though.

312
00:11:28,071 --> 00:11:29,686
But I needed them
out of the house,

313
00:11:29,687 --> 00:11:32,683
so... I could... call... a guy.

314
00:11:32,850 --> 00:11:35,249
Dad, help me.

315
00:11:35,452 --> 00:11:36,727
Are we gonna do that thing again

316
00:11:36,728 --> 00:11:39,461
where you try on different outfits
like in "Pretty woman"?

317
00:11:41,151 --> 00:11:42,613
Hey.

318
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:45,012
Saw you sinkin' some
J's back there, huh?

319
00:11:45,013 --> 00:11:47,211
Box and one. Cover two.

320
00:11:47,294 --> 00:11:49,300
Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right?

321
00:11:49,316 --> 00:11:50,241
Not even close.

322
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,118
- What's up?
- Well, word has it

323
00:11:52,119 --> 00:11:54,413
that you were a pretty good
handball player back in the day.

324
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,849
Yeah. And Neil Armstrong was
a "pretty good" trumpet player.

325
00:11:57,850 --> 00:11:59,294
I see you spent a lot
more time on the court

326
00:11:59,295 --> 00:12:00,274
than you did in the classroom,

327
00:12:00,275 --> 00:12:02,038
so clearly, I've come
to the right place.

328
00:12:02,039 --> 00:12:03,919
Look, I need you to teach me
everything you know.

329
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,088
How come it's so important?

330
00:12:05,089 --> 00:12:05,953
Well, there's this kid,

331
00:12:05,954 --> 00:12:08,490
and he's been kind of bullying
Lily and all her friends.

332
00:12:08,491 --> 00:12:09,750
And I tried to teach him.

333
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:11,919
I tried to put him in his place
on the handball court,

334
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,503
and I lost.

335
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,103
And I-I could just see
the disappointment in Lily's eyes.

336
00:12:16,104 --> 00:12:18,117
Like there's any emotion
in those eyes.

337
00:12:18,118 --> 00:12:19,475
Are you gonna help me or not?

338
00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:21,382
- Okay.
- Yes!

339
00:12:21,383 --> 00:12:24,109
But I need you to give it 105%.

340
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,871
Ah, no.
It's 110%, buddy.

341
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:27,223
That's impossible.

342
00:12:27,632 --> 00:12:29,818
Yes.
I think the fountain's a little pricy.

343
00:12:29,819 --> 00:12:31,888
But you know what? It's gonna
more than make up for itself

344
00:12:31,889 --> 00:12:32,829
when a family comes in here

345
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:35,978
and falls head over heels
in love with this home.

346
00:12:35,979 --> 00:12:37,176
Okay, that's a valid point.

347
00:12:37,177 --> 00:12:39,106
It is a bit of an empty
space out there.

348
00:12:39,107 --> 00:12:39,746
Thank you.

349
00:12:39,747 --> 00:12:41,280
Well, I mean,
I see what you're saying.

350
00:12:41,281 --> 00:12:43,472
Sorry. It's hot in here, right?

351
00:12:43,489 --> 00:12:45,978
Oh, well, you know, that happens
to women of a certain age,

352
00:12:45,979 --> 00:12:47,321
like with my mom.

353
00:12:48,070 --> 00:12:50,152
Are you kidding?
What are you, like, 35?

354
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:52,789
What are you, like,
an angel sent from heaven?

355
00:12:53,452 --> 00:12:55,178
I see what you're saying.

356
00:12:55,179 --> 00:12:57,871
I just feel that we might be pricing
ourselves out of the market.

357
00:12:57,872 --> 00:12:59,877
If a family wants to come in here,

358
00:12:59,878 --> 00:13:02,323
and... and build
themselves a fountain,

359
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:04,194
they can do so themselves.

360
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,586
That's true.

361
00:13:05,982 --> 00:13:08,194
Um, okay, well, you know, Pam,

362
00:13:08,346 --> 00:13:11,581
- um, there are lots of families
like... ours... - Mm-hmm.

363
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,408
Moving to this neighborhood
for the schools.

364
00:13:14,409 --> 00:13:17,939
P.S., saw Connor's art project...
gorgeous.

365
00:13:18,050 --> 00:13:19,825
Talent runs in the family.

366
00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:24,894
Anyway, I'm just saying
I think a family would respond

367
00:13:24,895 --> 00:13:27,509
to having a little drama
in the backyard.

368
00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:31,793
I think Pam's made it pretty clear
what she likes. Am I right?

369
00:13:32,199 --> 00:13:33,238
Well...

370
00:13:33,362 --> 00:13:34,859
Oh, no.

371
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:37,458
Now my shirt is all see-through.

372
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:38,566
And so are you.

373
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:40,741
Please tell me you are
not falling for this.

374
00:13:41,131 --> 00:13:44,280
I'm not, but I am enjoying
this little show tremendously,

375
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,520
so thank you.

376
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,291
Yeah. As for my professional
opinion on the fountain,

377
00:13:49,292 --> 00:13:50,276
don't do it.

378
00:13:50,277 --> 00:13:52,427
I mean, if you were
gonna live here yourself,

379
00:13:52,428 --> 00:13:55,558
I'd say go for it.
But it's too expensive for a flip.

380
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:57,272
Yeah. Yeah. All right.

381
00:13:57,273 --> 00:13:58,352
Thank you.

382
00:13:59,668 --> 00:14:00,898
- Cam?
- Fine.

383
00:14:00,952 --> 00:14:02,091
Lesbians.

384
00:14:04,113 --> 00:14:06,964
I can't believe I just went
garter shopping with my son.

385
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:09,622
When you find a better way to keep
my socks up, let me know.

386
00:14:10,146 --> 00:14:11,322
Hey, as long as we're in the mall,

387
00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:13,463
you wanna stop in the baby class
to see Jay and Joe?

388
00:14:13,464 --> 00:14:15,449
No. They need this time
to make a connection.

389
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:16,814
It's not like mother and son,

390
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:19,038
that the bond is naturally strong.

391
00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:21,065
Hey, isn't that Joe over there?

392
00:14:22,803 --> 00:14:24,856
No, that's some weird baby.

393
00:14:25,315 --> 00:14:27,171
He's not perfect
like my little Joe.

394
00:14:27,172 --> 00:14:28,715
But he's got the same blanket.

395
00:14:34,418 --> 00:14:36,321
Gloria.
What are you doing here?

396
00:14:36,975 --> 00:14:38,686
You gave our baby to a stranger?

397
00:14:38,687 --> 00:14:40,618
She's not a stranger.
She's Claire's friend.

398
00:14:40,619 --> 00:14:41,962
- Shh!
- Shut up, Nathan!

399
00:14:42,226 --> 00:14:43,242
Gloria!

400
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:51,171
The gas is on, dad.

401
00:14:51,172 --> 00:14:52,466
I can see the spark
from the igniter.

402
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:53,430
I don't know what it is.

403
00:14:53,431 --> 00:14:55,227
- That's your thermocouple.
- Oh.

404
00:14:55,332 --> 00:14:57,065
You get a little sediment in there

405
00:14:57,066 --> 00:14:58,653
or some rust,
and you're done for.

406
00:14:58,654 --> 00:15:00,134
The thermocouple. Of course.

407
00:15:00,135 --> 00:15:01,446
Why didn't I think of that?

408
00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:03,813
Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be
buggin' you with this stuff.

409
00:15:03,814 --> 00:15:05,556
Are you kiddin' me?
I love to help.

410
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,378
Makes me feel like
you still need me.

411
00:15:07,379 --> 00:15:08,563
Of course I need you.

412
00:15:08,564 --> 00:15:10,152
You're the best
when it comes to this.

413
00:15:10,153 --> 00:15:11,430
Anything else you need fixin'?

414
00:15:11,431 --> 00:15:12,549
Yeah, actually,

415
00:15:12,550 --> 00:15:14,851
I've been havin' a little
trouble with my thumb.

416
00:15:15,526 --> 00:15:17,657
Oh, the old thumb.
That's simple.

417
00:15:17,658 --> 00:15:20,798
Just push it back in and
make that popping sound.

418
00:15:22,153 --> 00:15:24,203
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- There you go.

419
00:15:25,848 --> 00:15:28,975
Hey, make sure you tell Claire
how pretty she looks tonight.

420
00:15:28,976 --> 00:15:30,147
A woman needs to hear that.

421
00:15:30,148 --> 00:15:31,576
You do the same with mom.

422
00:15:31,577 --> 00:15:34,673
No, your mom's a little tired
of hearing how pretty Claire is.

423
00:15:35,138 --> 00:15:36,248
Good one!

424
00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,205
All right. Love you.

425
00:15:38,206 --> 00:15:39,374
Love you, too.

426
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:41,344
Dad, we're home.

427
00:15:42,012 --> 00:15:42,804
Hey.

428
00:15:42,805 --> 00:15:46,104
That was the least fun
I have ever had shopping ever.

429
00:15:46,105 --> 00:15:47,048
Here.

430
00:15:47,952 --> 00:15:51,165
Honey, that's a torque wrench,
not a torx screwdriver.

431
00:15:51,166 --> 00:15:52,985
Okay, you're just screaming now.

432
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,357
Can't you just go get it?
You're the best at this stuff.

433
00:15:55,358 --> 00:15:57,405
Yeah, plus the car
is doing something funny,

434
00:15:57,406 --> 00:15:58,459
and there's a light
on the dashboard

435
00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:00,130
that looks like
a little genie lamp.

436
00:16:00,368 --> 00:16:02,678
My kids are helpless,
but maybe that's okay.

437
00:16:03,107 --> 00:16:04,900
Because years from now when
they have their own houses,

438
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:06,451
they'll call me on
their hologram phones

439
00:16:06,452 --> 00:16:09,009
and say, "help me, dad.
You're my only hope."

440
00:16:09,285 --> 00:16:11,579
And I'll be the happiest
father in sector 7...

441
00:16:11,891 --> 00:16:13,969
Or sector 12,
if we're doing really well.

442
00:16:14,805 --> 00:16:16,396
I don't know why
your mom's so mad.

443
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:17,743
Maybe it has something to do

444
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:20,013
with giving your son away
to a complete stranger.

445
00:16:20,014 --> 00:16:21,229
You're next.

446
00:16:21,343 --> 00:16:23,170
And what were you two
doing in the mall, anyway?

447
00:16:23,171 --> 00:16:24,499
I thought you were
seeing "Moby Dick."

448
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,594
It was sold out.

449
00:16:25,595 --> 00:16:27,125
Maybe that's how
you can make it up to her...

450
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:28,904
take me to the "Moby Dick"
reading tomorrow.

451
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:29,968
Nice try.

452
00:16:30,005 --> 00:16:31,739
Doing something selfless
for her other son

453
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,410
could make up for
your monumental blunder.

454
00:16:33,411 --> 00:16:34,925
Maybe flowers or jewelry.

455
00:16:34,926 --> 00:16:36,261
I like to throw money
at the problem.

456
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,628
Hello, pretty lady.

457
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:38,980
What do you wanna do for dinner?

458
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:41,793
How about we exchange
the baby for a cheese pizza?

459
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:43,975
- Is this about today?
- I'll call for those tickets.

460
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,259
You were supposed to spend
quality time with the baby.

461
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:50,176
Joe was asleep. He didn't even
know he missed the puppet show.

462
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,511
It was the baby class!

463
00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:52,352
Okay, call it what you want.

464
00:16:52,353 --> 00:16:54,103
I saw a hippie with
a frog on his hand.

465
00:16:54,104 --> 00:16:55,412
And for your information,

466
00:16:55,413 --> 00:16:57,438
I'm takin' Manny
to that reading tomorrow.

467
00:16:57,439 --> 00:16:59,534
Now you're just trying
to dig yourself out of a hole

468
00:16:59,535 --> 00:17:02,457
because you know that
you were caught in a lie.

469
00:17:02,458 --> 00:17:03,880
- So here's something...
- Not now, Manny.

470
00:17:03,881 --> 00:17:04,791
Oh, let him talk.

471
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:05,613
I called the theater,

472
00:17:05,614 --> 00:17:07,621
and they have tons of tickets
for tomorrow's show.

473
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:09,466
And it turns out today's show
wasn't sold out, either.

474
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:11,184
- Ay, Manny, not now.
- Let him talk.

475
00:17:11,185 --> 00:17:12,530
Mom, why'd you say it was sold out?

476
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,846
Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out?

477
00:17:13,847 --> 00:17:17,002
It was a mistake.
This is not my first language.

478
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,227
I don't understand
English very goodly.

479
00:17:19,228 --> 00:17:20,595
Don't play that card.

480
00:17:20,663 --> 00:17:22,622
You didn't wanna go
any more than I did.

481
00:17:22,623 --> 00:17:26,210
Fine. I lied,
but I earned that lie.

482
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:28,350
Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.

483
00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:31,113
But you know that I am always
trying to do everything

484
00:17:31,114 --> 00:17:33,280
for everybody in this family.

485
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,065
But you.

486
00:17:35,485 --> 00:17:37,954
You only do what's good for you.

487
00:17:38,014 --> 00:17:39,668
Let me tell you something,
Jay Pritchett...

488
00:17:39,669 --> 00:17:41,985
when it comes to raising kids,

489
00:17:42,565 --> 00:17:44,339
you get what you give.

490
00:17:47,462 --> 00:17:49,541
Well, you rattled
that off pretty goodly.

491
00:17:51,316 --> 00:17:52,835
You don't have to do this, daddy.

492
00:17:52,836 --> 00:17:55,122
I know, but daddy really
wants to do this, okay?

493
00:17:55,288 --> 00:17:56,801
No, no, no.
No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie?

494
00:17:56,802 --> 00:17:58,266
No cutsies. Come on.

495
00:17:58,267 --> 00:17:59,609
Next.

496
00:18:00,014 --> 00:18:00,760
Hello, Milo.

497
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:03,003
Hello, one of Lily's dads.

498
00:18:03,004 --> 00:18:04,558
All right, let's make
this interesting, okay?

499
00:18:04,559 --> 00:18:07,040
If I win, the new rule is this, okay?

500
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,325
No player can play more
than three times in a row

501
00:18:09,326 --> 00:18:10,605
without getting back in line

502
00:18:10,606 --> 00:18:11,906
and letting the other kids play.

503
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:14,354
- What if I win?
- Then I'll give you $20,000.

504
00:18:14,355 --> 00:18:16,345
- You're on.
- All right. Let's do this.

505
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,880
Yes! Whoo!

506
00:18:21,946 --> 00:18:23,218
One point for me.

507
00:18:23,219 --> 00:18:24,881
One point for me.
That's right.

508
00:18:26,098 --> 00:18:27,696
Milo, the ball's over here.

509
00:18:27,697 --> 00:18:30,058
Nah, nah.
Doesn't count. It was out.

510
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,411
Aah! Little too high for you, huh?

511
00:18:32,607 --> 00:18:35,851
Three bounces to the wall
makes you a lo-ser,

512
00:18:35,852 --> 00:18:37,636
makes you a lo-ser

513
00:18:37,637 --> 00:18:40,730
Final point.
I get this, I win.

514
00:18:41,062 --> 00:18:42,540
Oh, sweet lord Jesus.

515
00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:47,898
Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner!

516
00:18:47,899 --> 00:18:49,953
Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on!

517
00:18:50,018 --> 00:18:52,171
Cam's gonna be doing
drop-offs for a while.

518
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,890
We got a letter.

519
00:18:55,781 --> 00:18:57,194
I'm sure you're both wondering

520
00:18:57,195 --> 00:18:59,090
why I summoned you here tonight.

521
00:18:59,292 --> 00:19:02,193
I now present to you
the "wow" factor.

522
00:19:03,466 --> 00:19:04,888
Cam...

523
00:19:07,132 --> 00:19:09,747
I cannot believe
that you went rogue.

524
00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:12,023
Uncool.
I am with Claire on this.

525
00:19:12,024 --> 00:19:13,720
You'll soon see why.

526
00:19:13,983 --> 00:19:15,566
Prepare your senses...

527
00:19:16,338 --> 00:19:18,175
for dancing waters.

528
00:19:20,691 --> 00:19:21,753
- Wow.
- Wow.

529
00:19:21,754 --> 00:19:23,008
Factor.

530
00:19:23,505 --> 00:19:25,312
Now imagine a prospective buyer,

531
00:19:25,313 --> 00:19:27,487
so entranced by the aqua ballet,

532
00:19:27,488 --> 00:19:30,889
they're compelled instantly
to make a rich offer.

533
00:19:30,890 --> 00:19:32,602
I've even stocked the pools

534
00:19:32,603 --> 00:19:34,481
with fish of gold.

535
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:35,871
They're just goldfish,

536
00:19:35,872 --> 00:19:37,537
but they're...
they're right here.

537
00:19:40,141 --> 00:19:42,382
This is...
this is really impressive, Cam.

538
00:19:42,383 --> 00:19:43,413
What did you spend?

539
00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:45,474
Quite a bit, actually,
but I don't wanna get into that.

540
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:47,864
Let me turn this up
to eleventy-five.

541
00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:52,144
- Wow.
- Wow.

542
00:19:52,145 --> 00:19:53,297
Factor.

543
00:19:54,605 --> 00:19:56,263
Hey, Cam, are fish of gold

544
00:19:56,264 --> 00:19:57,992
supposed to swim
backwards like that?

545
00:19:57,993 --> 00:19:59,472
No, not to my knowledge, no.

546
00:19:59,664 --> 00:20:01,041
Yeah, it's kind of like they're all...

547
00:20:01,042 --> 00:20:02,718
they're gathering
towards that thing.

548
00:20:02,719 --> 00:20:04,029
- It's like a...
- Oh, no!

549
00:20:06,144 --> 00:20:07,565
- Ew! Ew!
- You're killing them!

550
00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:10,131
Claire! Unplug it!

551
00:20:10,132 --> 00:20:12,454
It's half a fish!
That's a half a fish!

552
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:14,255
There are certain queer
times and occasions

553
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,836
in this strange,
mixed affair we call life...

554
00:20:16,890 --> 00:20:18,748
when a man takes
this whole universe

555
00:20:18,749 --> 00:20:20,716
for a vast practical joke...

556
00:20:22,653 --> 00:20:25,083
Though the wit thereof
he but dimly discerns...

557
00:20:25,084 --> 00:20:26,410
Tick-tick-tick,
tick-tick-tick-tick,

558
00:20:26,411 --> 00:20:28,165
"boom-boom" goes the dynamite,

559
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:29,977
"boom-boom" goes the dynamite!

560
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,693
And more than suspects
that the joke

561
00:20:31,694 --> 00:20:34,579
is at nobody's expense but his own.

562
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:48,932
- All right. Close your eyes.
- Why?

563
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,455
- Just trust me.
- Okay.

564
00:20:52,070 --> 00:20:53,607
- Ow!
- Never close your eyes on the court!

565
00:20:53,608 --> 00:20:55,488
- But you told me...
- Don't let me get in your head!

566
00:20:55,489 --> 00:20:58,183
Pop 'em! Pop 'em all before
they hit the ground! Go!

567
00:20:59,029 --> 00:21:00,723
I don't really understand how...

568
00:21:00,746 --> 00:21:02,751
Make a fist with
your thumb on the side.

569
00:21:02,950 --> 00:21:04,465
Now bring your thumb to the front.

570
00:21:04,466 --> 00:21:05,730
Okay, now do it again.

571
00:21:06,161 --> 00:21:08,746
Ha! You just spelled "ass"
in sign language.

572
00:21:10,466 --> 00:21:12,136
Okay. Close your eyes.

573
00:21:12,413 --> 00:21:14,194
It's okay. We're off the court.

574
00:21:15,318 --> 00:21:17,038
You're never off the court!

575
00:21:17,816 --> 00:21:21,313
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