PHIL, HONEY!
PHIL!
HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
GRANDPA SENT US ANOTHER POSTCARD
FROM HIS RV TRIP.
"MOUNT RUSHMORE?
I WISH THE TOUR GUIDE
WOULD HAVE RUSHED MORE."
PHIL, WE HAVE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT AMBER
AND RONNIE'S BOAT.
THAT THING
IS MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE
TO PARK IN OUR DRIVEWAY,
AND IT'S AN EYESORE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
THEY'RE OUR NEIGHBORS
AND WE HAVE TO
SEE THEM EVERYDAY.
I WORRY ABOUT...
ROCKING THE BOAT.
YOU KNOW
YOU CAN DO BETTER.
KEEPING ME HONEST.
I LOVE IT.
YEAH,
THE BOAT IS TRASHY.
LIVING NEXT TO IT
DOESN'T FEEL "ON BRAND" FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, WITH SEA LEVELS RISING
AT THEIR CURRENT RATE,
WE SHOULD BE GLAD
WE LIVE NEAR A BOAT.
OKAY, SO, THAT'S THREE
FOR "GET RID OF THE BOAT."
LUKE?
COUNT ME OUT.
THIS ISN'T A POLICE STATE.
THAT BOAT
ISN'T HURTING ANYONE.
HERE'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT THAT BOAT.
ONE ... TAMMY LaFONTAINE
SUNBATHES ON IT.
TWO ... MY EYEBALLS LIKE LOOKING
AT TAMMY LaFONTAINE SUNBATHING.
DON'T MAKE ME
THE BAD GUY HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT OBNOXIOUS THING
ANNOYS YOU, TOO.
YEAH, IT DOES,
BUT WE NEED TO FINESSE THIS ...
BE NICE ABOUT IT.
THE LAST THING WE NEED
IS SOME HUGE FEUD
WITH OUR CRAZY NEIGHBORS.
MOVIE IDEA.
I'LL PUT ON THE LIST.
COMEDY OR DRAMA?
DEPENDS ON CASTING.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME KIND
OF REGULATION ABOUT THIS.
I'M GONNA CALL THE CITY.
THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
UH, NO,
A TERRIBLE IDEA
IS A MOVIE ABOUT A GUY
WHO CAN FAX HIMSELF PLACES.
'CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
THE TITLE ... "JUST THE FAX MAN."
YEAH.
HUH?
THAT WATER
CAN'T HIT US SOON ENOUGH.
HEY,
WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?
THE SAN VICENTE BRANCH
OF THE PUBLIC LIBRARY,
AND THEN ICE CREAM.
THAT WAS
A WEIRDLY SPECIFIC ANSWER.
WELL,
EVERYTHING IS NORMAL.
USUALLY WHEN
EVERYTHING IS NORMAL,
PEOPLE DON'T RESPOND
IN PERFECTLY REHEARSED UNISON.
NOW WHO'S BEING
WEIRDLY SPECIFIC.
WELL, IF YOU WENT
TO THE LIBRARY,
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
ANY BOOKS?
WE READ THERE.
I READ
"CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG."
AND I READ RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN'S
AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
DID YOU KNOW
HE DID HAMLET IN LONDON?
YES, I REMEMBER YOU
TELLING ME ABOUT THAT
AT THE SAN VICENTE BRANCH
OF THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.
OKAY, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO
CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW, SWEETIE?
GREAT IDEA.
LILY, DON'T FORGET
YOUR BACKPACK.
WHOA, WHAT'S THIS?
UM...
CAM, CLOWN SUPPLIES?
UH, YEAH,
THOSE ARE MINE.
WE JUST HAD TO PICK THEM UP
FROM THE DRY CLEANER.
ALSO MINE.
OH, MY GOSH, THEY MUST
HAVE SHRUNK THEM IN THE WASH!
DID THEY WASH THEM
40,000 TIMES?
OKAY, LOOK.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL,
BUT I TOOK LILY
TO A JUNIOR CLOWN COLLEGE
THIS MORNING.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
BEHIND MY BACK?
YES, BECAUSE I KNEW
YOU WOULDN'T APPROVE.
WHAT WAS
I SUPPOSED TO DO?
NOT TAKE HER
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT ALL THIS
MUMBO JUMBO.
HEY!
MUMBO JUMBO WAS
LIKE A FATHER TO ME.
I HAVE BEEN VERY UP FRONT
WITH YOU.
YOU KNEW GOING IN THAT I WANTED
TO RAISE OUR CHILD AS A CLOWN.
YES, BUT THEN I FINALLY REALIZED
THAT YOU WEREN'T JOKING
AND WE AGREED
THAT WE WOULD WAIT
UNTIL SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH
TO DECIDE FOR HERSELF.
YOU DO STUFF WITH HER
ALL THE TIME,
AND YOU DON'T ASK ME
FOR MY PERMISSION.
JUST LAST WEEK, YOU TOOK HER TO
THE DOCTOR WITHOUT EVEN ASKING!
BECAUSE SHE HAD
AN EAR INFECTION!
LET'S SAY WE'RE EVEN!
BRAVO!
YOU ATE ALL
OF YOUR BLUEBERRIES!
THAT GETS APPLAUSE?
I JUST FINISHED THE FRIDAY
CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND NOTHING.
I GUESS EVERYONE KNOWS
HERBERT HOOVER'S MIDDLE NAME.
LOOK WHAT I GOT ...
A THRONE
FOR OUR LITTLE KING.
DO WE HAVE TO PUT THE TOILET
ON THE COUNTER?
I TAKE
MY AFTERNOON COFFEE HERE.
LET'S FIX ONE PROBLEM
AT A TIME.
I'VE DECIDED
TO POTTY-TRAIN JOE.
NO, TOO SOON.
IT'S TOO SOON
FOR A PEARL HARBOR JOKE,
PERFECT TIME FOR THIS.
I DON'T
WANT TO RUSH HIM.
TOO MUCH PRESSURE
AND HE WILL GET TRAUMATIZED.
HE'S GROWN UP DRINKING FROM
A BREAST BIGGER THAN HIS HEAD.
I DON'T THINK
HE SCARES EASY.
THE KID'S READY,
PLUS, IF I'M BEING HONEST,
I'M TIRED OF BUYING DIAPERS.
EXCUSE ME,
WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE DIAPERS?
RIGHT OVER HERE, SIR.
YOU TRYING TO
BE FUNNY?
WE HAVE LARGER SIZES.
HE'S GONNA DO GREAT.
WHY WOULDN'T HE?
THERE'S NO ONE BETTER
THAN JOE, RIGHT?
I'M BETTER THAN JOE.
AT HIS AGE, I WAS COUNTING TO 10
IN THREE LANGUAGES.
THE BAR IS SO LOW FOR THAT KID,
EXCEPT WHEN THEY PLAY LIMBO.
THEY HOLD IT UP SO HIGH
ANYBODY CAN GET UNDER IT.
OH, HEY.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
REALLY?
SO, IS THAT
YOUR CREEPY TWIN BROTHER
WHO'S BEEN STARING AT ME
FROM THE WINDOW
FOR THE LAST WEEK?
UH, I COULD LIE
AND SAY "YES."
YOU COULD PRETEND
YOU WEREN'T FLATTERED,
BUT WHY NOT
JUST CUT TO THE CHASE?
AND WHAT
WOULD THAT BE?
UM... I COULD MAYBE
TOUCH SOMETHING OF YOURS?
SURE, AND I COULD MAYBE
KICK SOMETHING OF YOURS.
I LIKE THIS TENSION.
VERY "WILL THEY,
WHEN WILL THEY?"
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM,
LITTLE BOY.
GOT IT.
I'LL SEE YOU FROM THERE.
ONCE WE APPROACH THEM
WITH THIS,
IT'S GONNA BE AWFULLY HARD
FOR ME TO LOG IN
WITH MY ANONYMOUS CALL
TO THE CITY.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE TO REPORT ANYONE.
CALL ME
DAVID COPPERFIELD,
'CAUSE I'M ABOUT
TO MAKE A BOAT DISAPPEAR.
HEY, NEIGHBORS.
I MADE YOU SOME BANANA BREAD.
HEY!
OH, I LOVE BANANA BREAD.
WE HAVE THIS AT OUR DISPENSARY,
EXCEPT WE GOT WEED IN IT.
OH.
OOH, BUT WE COULD GIVE THIS ONE
TO OUR KIDS AS A TRICK.
THIS BOAT
IS REALLY SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW
WHAT WE CALL HER?
"JACKPOT"!
'CAUSE YOU SELL POT.
HOLY COW,
WE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
THIS IS THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE!
PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD
AND CHECK HER OUT?
YEAH!
THAT IS, IF YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT MY BOAT AND NOT MY WIFE.
OOH, YEAH,
YOU CAN'T CLIMB ABOARD ME.
WELL, NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY,
ANYWAY.
MM-HMM.
OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.
YEAH.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING NEW
WITH YOUR HAIR?
DID YOU GET A NEW WIG
OR SOMETHING?
MNH-MNH.
OH.
SWEET BOAT LIKE THIS BELONGS
IN THE WATER, AM I RIGHT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WHO PUT
THEIR BOAT IN THE WATER,
THEY ONLY USE IT
ON THE WEEKEND.
WE GET TO USE THIS BABY
EVERY DAY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE
VISITING THIS BOAT EVERY DAY
IN THE MARINA?
YOU SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY
ON SOMETHING,
YOU WANT PEOPLE
TO SEE IT.
THAT'S WHY
I WEAR LOW-CUT TOPS.
YEAH!
LISTEN UP.
I JUST GOT TO BE HONEST.
WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME
WITH THE BOAT HERE.
WHAT,
YOU DON'T LIKE JACKPOT?
IT'S GIGANTIC
AND MAKES IT PRETTY TOUGH
TO PARK IN OUR DRIVEWAY.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU OPEN
YOUR DOORS ONTO OUR DRIVEWAY,
WHERE WE KEEP OUR BOAT.
YES, AND, ACCORDING
TO CITY REGULATIONS,
IT SHOULDN'T
EVEN BE HERE.
"REGULATIONS."
HEAR THAT?
LOOK, WE REALLY DO
WANT TO KEEP THIS FRIENDLY.
AND IT'S BEEN HERE
FOR THREE WEEKS.
YEAH, AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
AND IT'S TACKY.
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
SETTLE DOWN!
HEY, THAT IS UNCOOL!
THERE ARE FOUR ACES
ON THE SIDE OF IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO DISEMBARK.
THAT'S BOAT
FOR "GET OFF."
YEAH, THERE'S NO ROOM UP HERE
FOR AN UPTIGHT BUZZKILL.
DON'T CALL HER
A BUZZKILL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
WHO THINK I'M FUN.
YOU COMPLAIN
ABOUT FIREWORKS FRIDAY,
YOU COMPLAIN WHEN MY SON
PLAYS HIS KICK-ASS DRUM SET,
YOU BOUGHT CURTAINS
FOR YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.
WHAT HAVE WE EVER DONE
TO YOU?
I THINK YOU JUST ANSWERED
YOUR OWN QUESTION.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HERE, TAKE YOUR
BUZZ-FREE BANANA BREAD
AND GO BACK
TO YOUR PRECIOUS DRIVEWAY.
OH. WITH PLEASURE.
BY THE WAY, CLAIRE, EARLIER,
I WAS JUST BEING NICE.
I DO NOT LIKE
YOUR NEW WIG.
HEY, WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
IS HER REAL HAIR!
PHIL!
UH, NOT THE COLOR.
HEY, PHIL!
OH.
STILL THINK
WE NEED TO BE NICE?
NO. IT'S TIME
FOR MORE DRASTIC MEASURES.
MM-HMM.
NO ONE INSULTS...
MY BANANA BREAD.
MITCHELL.
F-FIZ... NO! NO!
WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT
YOU SNEAKING UP ON ME?
I COULD HAVE BEEN
SHAVING.
THIS COULD HAVE BEEN
A SWEENEY TODD MOMENT.
BECAUSE OF ME,
CLOWNING IS IN LILY'S BLOOD.
ADOPTED.
BUT SHE'S A NATURAL,
AND WE'RE GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.
IF SHE DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH,
SHE'LL QUIT CLOWNING FOREVER.
COME ON.
PLEASE.
I PRESENT TO YOU THE ASIAN
FOR ANY OCCASION,
THE CLOWN THAT WILL INVERT
THAT FROWN,
THE DYNAMIC DUO OF FIZBO AND...
LIZBO!
ARE YOU
NOT HEARING THAT?
WE'RE WORKING
ON THE NAME.
HA!
HO!
OH, NO,
FIZBO DROPPED HIS HAT.
WHERE DID IT GO,
LIZBO?
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
OH!
THERE IT IS!
DO, DO-DO-DO-DO,
DO, DO, DO.
NO, FIZBO! NO!
WHAT? I'M JUST PUTTING
MY HAT BACK ON, LIZBO.
OH, MY ... OH!
CONFETTI ... I HOPE FIZBO
KNOWS HOW TO VACUUM.
OH!
WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
YOU'RE JUST
SPREADING IT AROUND.
I TRIED
TO BE SUPPORTIVE FOR LILY.
I REALLY DID,
BUT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.
OHH! OH! OH!
THAT'S NOT PART
OF THE ROUTINE.
OHH! OHH!
WAH, WAH!
OHH!
OH!
SHE'S A NATURAL.
DO IT AGAIN.
OHH!
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
NOTHING TO IT.
MAKE IT RAIN.
YEAH, I-I GET IT.
YOU ... YOU CAN'T PEE
WITH ANOTHER GUY LOOKING AT YOU.
NOT A BAD THING,
BY THE WAY.
SON OF A GUN,
HIS MIDDLE NAME WAS CLARK.
JAY!
MAY WE HAVE SOME PRIVACY,
PLEASE?
FOR WHAT?
SO THAT JOE CAN KEEP CHEWING
ON THE ELECTRICAL CORD?
O-OH, WE'RE ...
WE'RE NOT CLAPPING FOR THIS?
I TOLD YOU THAT HE WAS
NOT READY, AND WHEN HE IS,
WHY DON'T YOU LET
HIS MOTHER TAKE CARE OF IT?
YOU KNOW, I RAISED TWO
FULLY FUNCTIONAL CHILDREN.
YOU HAVE TWO KIDS
THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?
PLEASE, JUST LET JOE GO
ON HIS OWN SCHEDULE.
MANNY LEARNED TO POTTY-TRAIN
WHEN HE WAS 21/2.
YOU TOLD ME
IT WAS 13 MONTHS.
I MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED
A LITTLE BIT.
21/2 ISN'T ADVANCED
AT ALL.
WHAT ELSE
DID YOU EXAGGERATE?
DID I REALLY LIKE SHAKESPEARE
WHEN I WAS 3?
NOT SO MUCH SHAKESPEARE
AS JELLO.
WAS MY FIRST WORD
REALLY "LATTE"?
NOT SO MUCH "LATTE"
AS "JELLO."
OH, MY GOD.
I'M NORMAL.
TRUST ME, KID,
NO ONE'S SAYING THAT ABOUT YOU.
WHY DID YOU TELL ME
ALL THOSE THINGS?
TO GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE.
YOU NEEDED IT
BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING
SO MUCH TROUBLE
LEARNING HOW TO READ.
THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
YES, THAT WHAT
YOU ALWAYS USED TO SAY.
AAH! OH!
WAH, WAH!
I WASN'T DETERRED.
I KNEW LILY HAD WHAT IT TOOK
TO BE A GREAT CLOWN.
I MEAN...
SHE JUST NEEDED
TO FIND HER PERSONA,
AND THAT PROCESS CAN BE PAINFUL,
ESPECIALLY FOR ME.
OHH, LILY!
WAH, WAH!
OHH.
WAH, WAH!
GOOD MORNING,
NEIGHBORS.
BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH?
DON'T EVEN TRY
TO SWEET-TALK US.
THIS TACKY BOAT
AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
OH.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT COULD IT BE?
PHIL IS NOT
A VINDICTIVE GUY.
HE STILL LISTENS
TO MILLI VANILLI.
IT'S A SCANDAL
I CAN DANCE TO.
BUT RONNIE AND AMBER
DON'T DESERVE NICE PHIL.
THEY DISSED MY WOMAN,
SO I CALLED IN THE BIG GUNS.
YOU ARE SO SEXY
RIGHT NOW.
GIRL, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.
OH, THERE IT GOES.
IS THAT MY SON
OR AM I LOOKING
IN THE WORLD'S
MOST FLATTERING MIRROR?
THAT'S FUNNY
AND UPLIFTING!
IT IS!
OH, HI.
THANKS FOR COMING SO FAST.
OH.
WHERE WERE
YOU WHEN WE CALLED?
WHO KNOWS?
IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME.
EITHER ARIZONA
OR NEW MEXICO.
OR MAYBE EVEN
REGULAR MEXICO.
OH.
THANKS FOR COMING,
FELLAS.
HEY, GUYS.
GRANDPA!
THERE'S MY LITTLE GIRLS.
HOW ARE YOU?
AWW.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WE SEE YOUR DRIVEWAY BOAT
AND RAISE YOU
A CONVOY OF RETIREES.
OH, I WANT TO HAVE THREE MORE
OF YOUR BABIES.
HOW WAS
YOUR ROAD TRIP?
THE HIGHLIGHT
CAME IN BRANSON, MISSOURI,
WHEN VICTOR REAR-ENDED
YAKOV SMIRNOFF'S S.U.V.
THE EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION
WAS HILARIOUS, BUT FRUSTRATING.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENING.
"IN MY COUNTRY,
CAR HAS INSURANCE
FOR ME."
THAT SORT OF THING.
JUST LAUGH.
ONE DAY,
WE'LL TREASURE THESE MOMENTS.
I GUESS
YOU GUYS CONVINCED US.
IT'S AWESOME HAVING
GIANT RECREATIONAL VEHICLES
IN YOUR FRONT YARD.
MM-HMM.
OH, WE SEE
WHAT YOU TWO ARE DOING.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
A WHOLE LOT MORE,
'CAUSE THESE OLD GUYS LIKE
TO DO TAI CHI IN SHORTY ROBES.
THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK.
I LIKE HANGING WITH OLD PEOPLE.
MAKES ME FEEL
IN-SHAPE.
THEY CAN'T SLEEP
AND THEY CAN'T HEAR.
THEY'RE GONNA BE BLASTING
TALK RADIO ALL NIGHT LONG.
WHEN I GET DRUNK,
I SNORE REAL LOUD,
SO I WON'T
HEAR A THING.
WE JUST WANTED
TO GIVE YOU A TASTE
OF WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO HAVE YOU FOR A NEIGHBOR.
I LOVE HOW CLOSE TOGETHER
ALL OUR MOUTHS ARE.
OHH.
OKAY.
HEY, DAD, WHAT'S THE ...
WHAT'S THE PLOT
OF THAT RITA HAYWORTH MOVIE?
OH.
MY FRIENDS
HERE WERE WONDERING.
THAT'S MY CUE. TIME TO HELP
MY BOY GET RID OF A BOAT.
UH, "LADY FROM SHANGHAI"?
THAT'S THE ONE.
I-I CAN'T REMEMBER
ALL THE DETAILS.
PRETTY SURE THERE WAS A HORSE
IN THAT MOVIE.
MM-HMM.
OR WAS IT A BABY?
FUNNY THING ...
NONE OF IT WAS IN SHANGHAI.
AHH.
OR WAS ALL OF IT
IN SHANGHAI?
ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?
OH, RIGHT.
SO, EITHER THE HORSE
OR THIS BABY...
OH, HEY.
I'M JUST PUTTING THESE
IN THE CAR.
I HELP UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS
LIFT WEIGHTS.
YOU CAN'T
EVEN DRIVE YET.
OKAY, YOU KNOW MY SECRET.
WHAT'S YOURS?
DO YOU HONESTLY THINK
ANY OF THIS IS GONNA WORK?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I-I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT
TO SAY WHEN I'M AROUND YOU,
BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME.
FINE.
HERE'S MY SECRET.
I PUT ALL THESE WALLS UP
AND ACT TOUGH,
BUT... I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN
WITH A BOY BEFORE.
REALLY?
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH A GIRL.
OH, MY GOD. PATHETIC.
RUN HOME TO YOUR MOMMY,
YOU LITTLE BITCH.
IS LIZBO IN HERE?
I THINK
SHE'S IN OUR ROOM.
CAM.
YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T BE
IN THIS POSITION
IF YOU HADN'T GONE
BEHIND MY BACK.
I WOULDN'T BE IN THIS POSITION
IF I HAD...
A SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND.
OKAY.
REALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
HOW THIS IS MY FAULT.
YESTERDAY, LILY PERFORMED
HER HEART OUT FOR YOU.
SHE WAS SO EXCITED
TO DO THAT BROOM ROUTINE,
AND YOU GAVE HER NOTHING.
SO SHE GOT DESPERATE,
AND SHE RESORTED
TO MEAN-SPIRITED GAGS.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
GUESS WHAT.
YOU'RE MISTER McGIGGLES!
OH, IS HE LIKE
AN UNCLE TO YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT HURT THE MOST
IS THAT MY HUSBAND
TURNED OUR DAUGHTER
AGAINST SOMETHING THAT I LOVE.
GUYS, WE APPRECIATE
ALL YOUR HELP,
BUT YOU PROBABLY
SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE.
I DON'T MIND.
WHOA!
IS THAT WEED I SMELL?
WAIT,
YOU GAVE THEM POT?
NO, I RUN
A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
I'M NOT GONNA RISK IT
FOR THAT.
THEY BROUGHT THEIR OWN.
DAD?
NOT ME, SON.
IT'S ME AND VICTOR.
MAKES MY ARTHRITIS
FEEL BETTER.
AND I'M IN REMISSION...
FROM BEING LAME.
HERE'S YOUR BEER, FRANK.
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
RIGHT ON.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
PIGS IN A BLANKET.
THANK YOU, DARLING.
WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS DOING?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ANNOYING THEM.
THESE GUYS COULD
NEVER ANNOY ME. WHAT?
OH, RONNIE!
SORRY, SON, IT TURNS OUT
RONNIE'S A FELLOW ARMY MAN.
PLUS, AT OUR AGE,
IT'S TOUGH
NOT TO LIKE SOMEONE
WHO PAYS ATTENTION TO US.
UNBELIEVABLE.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
MY DAD'S TOO LOVABLE.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN
HIS BIGGEST FLAW.
HEY,
SMELLS LIKE A PARTY!
BACK INSIDE.
OKAY, THEN.
WHAT IS THIS FILTH?
I TRIED EVERYTHING ... VIDEOS,
BOOKS, PARENTING WEBSITES.
I EVEN TRIED TO MAKE A GAME
OUT OF IT.
NOTHING COULD GET THAT KID
TO USE THE TOILET.
BY THE WAY, DO NOT SEARCH
"PEEING GAMES" ON THE INTERNET.
OKAY, JOE, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
I'M A WEALTHY MAN.
JUST GIVE ME A NUMBER.
SEVEN.
I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT'S HOW OLD I WAS
WHEN I LEARNED
TO TIE MY SHOES.
NOT 2,
LIKE I WAS TOLD.
OKAY, PLEASE, MANNY.
I MIGHT HAVE EXAGGERATED
A LITTLE BIT,
BUT I DO THAT
ALL THE TIME.
COLUMBIA ACTUALLY
IS A VERY NORMAL PLACE.
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS
ARE ALL LIES.
I CAN ONLY DEAL WITH ONE
TRAUMATIZED CHILD AT A TIME.
PLEASE, JAY, LET THAT POOR BABY
OFF THE TOILET.
OKAY, NEW PLAN ...
WE LEAVE HIM ON THE THRONE
TILL HE CONKS OUT,
THEN WE DUNK HIS HAND
IN A BOWL OF WARM WATER ...
THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T
RUSH THESE THINGS.
YOU DID IT BEFORE
WITH CLAIRE AND WITH MITCH.
I DON'T THINK HE DID,
MOM.
YES, HE DID, RIGHT?
WELL, I WAS A LITTLE BUSY
BUILDING A CLOSET EMPIRE.
AND RACQUETBALL
WAS PRETTY BIG BACK THEN.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.
YOU MISSED SO MANY MILESTONES
IN THEIR LIVES,
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THEM
WITH JOE.
THIS IS
YOUR SECOND CHANCE.
BUT DON'T WORRY, JAY.
HE KNOWS YOU LOVE HIM.
I'D LIKE HIM TO REMEMBER
THAT I'M THERE FOR HIM.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS
IF I'LL GET ANOTHER CHANCE.
I KNOW. YOU WON'T.
AND HE WON'T
HAVE TO REMEMBER YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
GOING TO BE HERE.
AAH. FORGET IT.
COME ON.
LET'S GIVE IT A REST.
THE POOR KID ...
ALL THAT PRESSURE I PUT ON HIM.
ESPECIALLY HIS BLADDER.
YOU'VE PROBABLY GOT A GALLON
OF APPLE JUICE IN THERE, BUDDY.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID YOU SEE
HOW YOU UNDERSTOOD JAY?
THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU
SO SPECIAL.
ANYONE CAN LEARN HOW TO WALK
OR PEE IN A POTTY.
YOU'RE THE MOST SENSITIVE
AND INSIGHTFUL PERSON
I HAVE EVER KNOWN,
AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.
COME HERE, PAPI.
HE'S PEEING!
MY LITTLE GENIUS!
I KNEW
YOU COULD DO IT, BUDDY!
AY, JAY, HE'S NOT DONE.
AW, HELL.
IT'S ALL OVER ME.
WOULD YOU TAKE HIM?
LILY!
OH, IT'S YOU.
OKAY.
COME HERE.
COME ON.
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW
THAT I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING
AT SOME OF THE STUFF
THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING TO DADDY,
BUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE.
I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THIS,
BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE
THE TYPE OF CLOWN
THAT HURTS PEOPLE.
I DON'T DO THAT
TO MAKE YOU LAUGH.
YOU DON'T?
WELL, THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT?
I HATE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A CLOWN.
IT'S SO WEIRD.
OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THE JOKES AREN'T FUNNY
AND EVERYBODY'S ALL,
"HONK, HONK, AH-OOGA, WAH, WAH."
OH, LILY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
OH, MY GOSH.
W-W-WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST TELL HIM?
I DIDN'T WANT TO
HURT HIS FEELINGS.
OH.
SO I FIGURED
IF I WAS A BAD CLOWN,
HE'D WANT ME TO STOP.
OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO WHAT DADDY DOES.
YOU JUST NEED TO
TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
TELL ME THE TRUTH
ABOUT WHAT?
NOTHING!
NO, LILY,
IT'S ... IT'S OKAY.
I'M SORRY, DADDY, BUT I THINK
I WANT TO STOP BEING A CLOWN.
OH, BUT WHY?
Y-YOU LOVED IT.
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE I'LL NEVER BE
AS GOOD AS FIZBO.
HE'S JUST SO FUNNY
AND SPECIAL AND MAGICAL.
SWEETIE ...
WELL, LISTEN.
FIZBO IS VERY SPECIAL.
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T EXPECT TO BE
AS GOOD AS HE IS RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
AWW!
MAYBE I'LL TRY AGAIN
WHEN I'M OLDER.
MM.
COMING UP WITH A LIE LIKE THAT
IN THE MOMENT ...
THAT GIRL IS NO CLOWN.
SHE'S GONNA BE A LAWYER.
HEY, NEIGHBOR.
HEY.
JUST WANTED TO SAY
I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME
HANGING WITH YOUR DAD
LAST NIGHT.
YOU DON'T
NEED TO RUB IT IN.
I HEARD IT ALL NIGHT ... YOU GUYS
SINGING "CHANTILLY LACE."
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
WE HAD A LONG TALK.
YOUR DAD AND HIS BUDDIES,
THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
THEY PLAYED
THE WHOLE ARMY CARD.
AND, WELL, I'M GONNA DO
THE HONORABLE THING
AND, UH, MOVE THE BOAT.
REALLY?
YEAH, MY BROTHER SAYS
I CAN KEEP IT IN HIS DRIVEWAY.
HE HATES HIS NEIGHBOR.
MM.
I THINK YOUR DAD'S RIGHT.
WE SHOULD START BEING BETTER
TO ONE ANOTHER.
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
I THINK YOU'LL SEE,
ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW US,
WE'RE GOOD PEOPLE, TOO...
THERE'S NO SMOKE.
I KNOW.
OKAY, FOLKS.
WHO OWNS THE BOAT?
HE ... UH, THAT WOULD BE ME.
WHY? IS THERE A PROBLEM?
TECHNICALLY,
YOU CAN'T STORE IT HERE,
AND SOME CRAZY LADY
KEEPS CALLING.
HI, OFFICER.
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
WAIT,
YOU GUYS NARC'd ON US!
NO, I BROUGHT YOU
BANANA BREAD! IT WAS HER!
NOW WHO'S THE NARC?
CLAIRE,
THAT'S PRETTY UNCOOL.
SUPER UNCOOL!
YOU GUYS ARE LAME!
I'M ALSO GONNA HAVE TO
WRITE UP THESE RVs.
I'M HOLDING.
I'M MAKING A WALK FOR IT.
UGH. THIS AGAIN?
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
COMING OVER HERE.
[ SIGHS,
WHISTLING ]
HEY.
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU DID IT!
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING
I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.
JUST DO IT A FEW MORE TIMES,
AND SHE'LL BE BEGGING YOU
TO KISS HER RIGHT
IN THE SCIENCE MUSEUM...
OR ... OR WHAT...
WHATEVER HER FANTASY IS.
Captions by VITAC ...