Haley,
your dad's on the phone.
He says it's urgent.
He's with a surgeon?
I think he said "sturgeon."
Cam, is it "surgeon"
or "sturgeon"?
I am ripping these stupid braces
off the second I get home.
Phil, hold on. I'm gonna put
you on speakerphone, okay?
Andy's
on his way to propose to Beth!
We can't hear anything!
Just toss me
the phone.
No!
No, no.
No, you're right.
We all have our strengths.
I'm a great gift giver.
Here, Cam.
Oh.
Dad?
Haley, Andy's on his way
to propose to Beth!
Aww!
That's very sweet!
It's not sweet!
Haley and Andy love each other,
but they don't know it!
Whoa.
Is that true, honey?
Dad, what makes you think
he's in love with me?
I could tell by the way
he hugged you goodbye.
Phil, are you sure
about this?
Claire, I think I know the look
of love in another man's eyes.
This is crazy.
Should I call him?
His phone's off, but he said
he was going to the beach.
I know what beach he likes.
I thought you were
the "beach" he likes.
Oh, God,
there they are.
Should I do this?
I shouldn't do this.
I'm gonna do this.
W... Honey, honey,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You got to be
really sure of this.
You're gonna go over there
and break them up for what?
To hang out or to date
until the next guy comes along?
Who knows?
But shouldn't we get a chance
to find out what we are?
I'm just saying
look down the road a little.
You're 21,
and that looks like a guy
who is ready
to settle down.
Yeah.
Well, um...
I guess it's decided for me.
Yeah.
I feel like
such an idiot.
No. Honey, no, no, no, no, no.
You have nothing
to be ashamed of.
Oh, God!
Here they come! Hide!
Just ... Oh...
Oh, God. Oh.
Daddy looks tense.
He's just paying bills.
Is everything okay,
honey?
Oh, you walked over here.
I just thought
you Uber-ed everywhere.
Okay.
Okay, I got to breathe.
That's still free,
isn't it?
Mitchell,
it's not that bad.
Really? Because I haven't
worked in weeks.
I have no prospects.
We're living off
of a gym teacher's salary,
and ...
and somehow I let you
talk me into buying
the apartment upstairs.
What's going on? Are we poor?
No, while other daddy
looks for a job,
I'm gonna be
taking on some work
as a summertime
driver's ed teacher.
How much can that pay?
Every little bit helps.
And besides, Mitchell,
before you know it,
you're gonna be back
in a stuffy office
with some stuffy lawyers,
wishing you had taken advantage
of this time.
Am I right?
Well, that doesn't
not sound like me.
Exactly, so why don't
you take this chance...
to do something fun,
find a hobby?
You know, every time we go
to a gallery, you always say,
"I could paint something
that stupid."
Well, prove it.
You know what? I have.
I've always wanted to paint.
And the place upstairs is
gonna be a rental gold mine ...
Once we paint it, we furnish it,
we fix the electric,
redo the plumbing,
and figure out why that
brown spot won't stop growing.
It's growing?
Wow, did you two really just
waste your entire day quilting?
We had a wonderful time,
didn't we, sweetie?
I'm not crying anymore.
To help get her mind
off of Andy,
Haley and I have
been making a quilt
out of all her old clothes...
and some stuff I need Phil
to stop wearing.
Oh, cool. That square is the
same pattern as my Kangol hat.
Can you believe how gorgeous
it is outside?
And now it's gorgeous inside.
Because you're inside.
Was that clear?
Hey, do you want to go quiz me
on the periodic table?
Oxygen potassium.
Ohh, he just used the elements
to say "okay."
Oh, well,
that was fun for me.
Mom, can we drink now?
Honey, it's lunchtime.
Ohh.
That's a "yes."
Why do I feel like
you're enjoying this?
What?
Sad Haley
needs her mommy again.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I'm just helping her
channel her broken heart
into something
more positive.
Please, that's the saddest
blanket since the AIDS quilt.
Haley's wallowing in self-pity,
and you're feeding off of it.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
Mom, I'm just gonna
go take a nap.
Oh, sweetheart, do you
want me to snuggle with you
till you fall asleep?
Okay, that's it.
Pity party's over.
Time for some Dunphy fun.
We are going to the movies.
When was the last time
you showered?
What day is it?
We will wait.
I know you can't tell me,
but that B. Willis jungle gym ...
That's Bruce Willis,
right?
His kid goes here?
Well, we do pride ourselves
on privacy here at Davenport,
but, uh, you may have
a "sixth sense" about this.
I'll be damned.
He looks like
the kind of guy
you want to have
a beer with, you know?
We have one educator
for every four children ...
I have a question.
Uh, I attend high school
with one of your graduates,
a Theodore Durkas.
Did you turn him into a monster,
or was he always like that?
I actually remember
Teddy Durkas.
He was a lovely boy.
I'll give him your regards
next time he's making
one of my nurples purple.
Ay, Joe,
what did you do?
Oh,
it's not his fault.
These cubbies were donated
by a former parent
who fancied himself
a carpenter.
I can't say who,
but it is ironic
that he couldn't use a hammer,
and now we "can't touch this."
You keep saying you can't say,
and then you say.
It's just nice to talk
to adults.
Hey, we're sold.
You want Joe? He's yours.
It was very smart of you
to get a jump on next year.
Next year? What ...
What about this year?
Oh, uh, we enroll
at least a year out.
And even then, there's
a significant waiting list.
You're kidding.
I'm sorry, Mr. Pritchett.
Uh...
You could try
the Learnin' Barn.
Ah, yes.
That sounds very nice.
The Learnin' Barn
sounds nice?
Yes, in my village,
only the richest kids
were allowed to learn
inside the barn.
Hope you guys
like dinosaurs.
I got us tickets to "The Second
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel."
I know you're kidding,
but I found the first one
incredibly moving.
I never realized how many people
hold hands in malls.
And now that gays
are legal or whatever,
it's basically everyone.
Oh, honey, I'll hold your hand.
Come here.
Is that Dylan?
No. No, that's ...
that's definitely not Dylan.
Dylan!
Hello, Dunphy family!
What the what?
How you doing, buddy?
Life's a roller coaster,
but I'm tall enough to ride.
True dat.
Haley, you look
as yummy as ever.
Thanks.
What's going on?
So, I'm designing
T-shirts now,
and I'm trying to get
the stores to sell them.
I'm wearing one.
"Lie"?
"Live."
The neck is the "V."
Game changer.
Yeah, and I've got all
these great "V" words.
"Love,"dove" ...
Leave.
"governor."
Wow, that is
such a cool idea.
It's so good
to see you.
Do you want to get
some coffee sometime?
I'm not doing anything
right now.
Uh, movie.
Nice try, but not
all "V" words work, Mrs. D.
Have fun, you two.
"Hey, Dylan!"
Mitchell, are you aware
our daughter's eating
a ketchup sandwich?
Good,
she found something.
Oh, so, you didn't go
grocery shopping today.
I am gonna go,
but after yoga.
Hey ... Hey,
you should come with me,
'cause you seem
really tense.
Oh, well, maybe they have
a five-minute class
I could sneak in between
football camp and driver's ed?
No, I'm very proud of you
and your grapefruit.
Chrysler Building.
Mitchell really embraced
this whole
"take a little break" thing
far more than I expected.
But for years,
he supported both of us
while I pursued my passions ...
photography, hip-hop dancing,
fox hunting.
So I couldn't be the one
to tell him to get a job.
But maybe somebody else could.
Hey, Charlie?
It's ... It's, uh, Cameron.
My husband Mitchell
used to work for you.
Oh!
I remember you.
Yeah,
what a nice surprise.
I know! Crazy!
Crazy like that fox
I told Mitchell was chicken.
Was it clear?
I-I stalked Charlie.
I can't believe it.
Mitchell and I were just talking
about you last night.
How are you?
Well, I don't want to
burden you with my problems.
Uh, I think
I've outgrown my boat.
Oh.
Hey, how is Mitchell?
He's fine.
Actually, he's fielding
a few job offers right now,
and he's running
into problems
because he keeps comparing
everyone to you.
Huh.
Sometimes I think
the only thing
that's gonna make him
feel better
is if you offered him
another job.
What the hell?
I'll do it.
Really?
Yeah, I'm getting a new boat.
Oh.
And I will talk
to Mitchell.
I miss that $3 bill.
You scheduled
your breakup?
Yes, Labor Day.
That's when I leave for school.
86% of long-distance
relationships end in failure.
It's the only logical
course of action.
That is the least romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Stay together.
Wrong. Break up.
College is the sexiest
candy store in the world.
You don't want to show up
with your jaws wired shut.
No, take it
from Haley and me.
It's hard to be apart
and then together
and then apart
and then together
and then apart and then
turned down by the Marines
and then together.
Ugh. I can't believe we've got
that dodo back in our lives.
At least Haley's happy.
Honey, could you at least
take that T-shirt off?
They loved it at the deli.
They were kvelling.
Hey-oh!
Andy!
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just want to get these to you.
Here is the closing on Baywood.
Awesome.
And this is the Johnsons' offer,
all set for signatures.
You've done a real mitzvah,
buddy.
I hope that's good.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I ... It's been awhile
since I've seen you.
Yeah, I've been putting
a lot of hours in,
trying to earn extra money
for this wedding.
Hola. I'm Dylan,
Haley's boyfriend.
Uh, hey. I'm Andy.
I didn't realize you two
were back together.
Oh, yeah.
We're like magnets...
that sometimes take a break
to date other magnets.
What happened was
we were together,
and then we were apart.
Thank you so much
for making time for us today.
Oh, I'm sorry
it took so long,
but the faculty kind of
scatters for the summer.
I drove my van to Maine
and planted beans.
Let me guess ...
and killed a giant.
Chicken!
What the ... Joe!
Joe, come back here.
Oh, it's okay.
The chickens won't hurt him.
They're used to the kids.
Chickens
are part of this?
We like to utilize
the setting here in the hills,
make nature
a part of the experience.
We sometimes see mice or
raccoons or little squirrels.
You know they got traps
for those kind of things.
Ay, I love it. Joe gets to
run around in the fresh air.
Erica, I need you!
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
We're out of here.
She's a loon,
letting kids call her "Erica"
like they're
poker buddies.
We're too late
for anywhere else.
If Bruce Willis
can jungle-gym his way
into that fancy school,
then I can...
I don't know ...
I can cubbie my way in.
They hate their cubbies?
I'll make them new ones.
Cubbies are nothing
but little closets.
Ay, but look at Joe.
He loves it.
He's chasing
after the chickens.
He even caught one.
Huh.
Oh, no! No!
No, Joe! Let go!
We will be very happy
to pay for that chicken.
Mitchell, Mitchell!
Look who I bumped
into accidentally by chance.
Hey, stranger.
Charlie!
Ah, I didn't know
you painted.
I didn't, either.
It sort of started
as a therapeutic thing,
but then I just
really fell for it.
I always wanted to paint.
Damn it!
Why am I not painting?
Well, you're so busy
running your company.
Maybe if you hired more people,
you'd have more time.
I sleep with so many actresses
and models
who are into guys with jets
and boats and ski houses,
but I always wondered,
wouldn't it be more satisfying
to sleep with actresses
and models who are into artists?
Anyway, you were saying how
overwhelmed you were at work.
I'm overwhelmed
by this work.
How do you decide
what to paint?
You know, I just see
these images in my head,
uh, things I want to see,
places I want to go,
uh, how much paint
I have left.
Um, sometimes I just tap
into my emotions,
and I see
where that takes me.
And ... You cannot imagine
the sense of contentment.
Imagine how much more
satisfying it would be
after a good day's work.
You know, I came here
to talk you
into coming back
to the company,
but you're the most at-peace
son of a bitch I've ever met,
and I hired the Dalai Lama
for a pool party.
Hmm.
Thank you, commander.
Mm-hmm.
I will drop these at the office
on the way out of town.
So, unless there's
something else?
You're something else.
Claire, get this man a cupcake.
Mm?
No, thank you, Mrs. Dunphy.
I've got to fit into
a wedding tux pretty soon.
All right, get out of here.
Happy motoring.
Bye, Andy.
See you.
Where's he off to?
Utah for a month
to plan his wedding.
I'm kicking myself.
Andy is great.
And if I hadn't opened
my big, fat mouth,
Haley might be with him
right now instead of with Dylan.
Hmm.
What?
Nothing.
Claire?
Oh, I was just wondering
what would happen
if Andy were to find out
that Haley almost ...
No. We are not meddling
like that.
No, we're not.
Of course we're not.
But you meddled
when you called Haley
and told her
that Andy liked her.
That's a far cry
from telling Andy
Haley was in love
with him
and raced to the beach
to stop his proposal.
Luke?
Nope.
Ohh.
I accidentally took
your pen.
I didn't want to go
plan my wedding
with something so big
weighing on my mind.
Andy,
I am really sorry.
I didn't mean for you
to hear that.
Do not worry.
No big dip!
Really?
Sure!
It's actually kind of funny,
you know?
'Cause how crazy is life?
I was all,
"Should I propose to Beth?
I have feelings
for someone else."
Meantime,
I was talking about Haley.
Haley apparently had feelings
for me, and I had no clue!
How could you not laugh
at something like that, right?
Oh-oh-oh! Ohh.
Mmm! So good.
All right.
Mmm. Happy Fourth.
I am so fine.
Hello, hello!
Where do I put this?
Hi. Anywhere on the counter
is great, thanks. Hi, Dad.
Hey.
What's, uh, "e-olve" mean?
Oh, no.
It says "evolve."
It's one of Dylan's designs.
The neck is the "V."
There's two V's.
There can't be two necks.
Then why even do it?
Don't make me defend this, Dad.
I am just
trying to be supportive.
Ignore him.
He's just grumpy
because Joe starts school
tomorrow.
Well, that's hard
when they leave the nest
for the first time.
I don't care about that.
All I wanted was to bribe
my way into that fancy school
by making cubbies
stuff didn't fall out of.
We can't say more.
Litigation is pending.
All right, who's ready
for my famous chicken salad?
Oh, thank you!
We need the foil back.
Right.
Whoa. What happened
to your ear, van Gogh?
Oh, I was painting
sunflowers outside,
and I got stung by a bee.
You know, I take it
as a compliment.
From the bee community?
Oh, my goodness, Claire.
That's one of mine.
Yes, it is.
Oh, that looks so good there.
Right?
I just love all the colors.
It makes me feel so happy.
Yeah.
I call it
"Rape of the Immigrant."
I think we left
the brownies in the car.
Oh, I'll get those.
Well, way to go, pal.
Okay, what is wrong
with you people?
I am dying here,
trying to hold down two jobs
while you enable
a once-proud man
who is clearly having
a talent-free breakdown.
You know why
he reminds you of van Gogh?
Because
he's earning nothing,
and he's losing
his mind!
Hey, everybody!
Guess who's back!
Who? Who is back?
Andy.
Andy! Sorry,
it took me a second.
No, I know. I ... I'm parting
my hair a little differently.
Yeah.
That's one thing
that's new about me.
Uh-huh.
So, Beth likes it this way.
I-I love it, looks great.
It looks great.
Thank you.
Hi, Uncle Mitchell.
Hey! Oh, uh ...
Honey, what's wrong?
Nothing. I-I-I just
said goodbye to Sanjay.
We broke up.
No.
No, it's ... it's ...
it's great.
We're ... We're both
going to school unencumbered
and ready to focus.
It's the smart thing
to do.
We both feel
really good about it.
You don't look like
you feel good.
Well, yeah, he was ...
he was sadder than I imagined,
so I'm being strong
for the both of us,
which he said he admires.
I think.
It was hard to hear him
with all the John Legend
and the sobbing.
You know what?
I recently went through
a very hard time,
and I found something
that really helped me
navigate my feelings.
I don't want to paint.
Painting.
(laughter,
indistinct conversations)
Oh, my God, right?
I am freaking out.
You don't think that's because
of what he heard us say, do you?
No, lots of people gain weight
during their engagement.
You did.
I was pregnant.
I'm trying, Claire.
I don't want to believe
we're responsible.
Of course
we're responsible.
Clearly, Andy has been
stuffing his face ever since
he found out that Haley
almost stopped his proposal.
What?
We have got to start
talking in the garage.
Uh, Dylan, could you
make me a plate?
If I can make a bong
out of a carrot,
I think I can make you
a plate.
You told Andy I tried
to stop his proposal?
Not on purpose.
Before he left for Utah,
your father and I
were privately discussing
how bad it would be
if he found out,
and Andy overheard us.
What did he say?
He said he was fine.
Mm.
But... now we're not
so sure.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that's Andy?
Mm-hmm.
You think he got fat
'cause of me?
Possibly. Yes.
Should I talk to him
about it?
Honey, that has to be
your decision.
We are through meddling
in your love life.
Yeah.
Though I will say
he's still very much engaged.
Whereas, I would
want to know if he got fat
because he was
still in love with me.
And now we're out.
See,
don't you feel better?
No.
Don't stress out
about light
and perspective and ...
and color.
You know, just let your painting
be what it wants to be.
How's this?
Here, let's see.
What the hell?
Why are you so good?
I don't know.
I'm just good at most things.
So am I, usually.
Wait a second.
So is Sanjay.
I-I-I-I have to get to him
before he leaves.
Wow!
You're really getting better.
Maybe you should go inside.
Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe,
get down from there!
You're gonna get hurt.
What happened?
This is why he shouldn't
go to your commune.
He'll fall,
those hippies won't notice,
and he'll be eaten alive
by chickens.
I think
we have established
that he can take care of himself
around a chicken.
You keep forgetting
that Joe is tough. He's part me.
That's the son that you should
be worrying about.
I really thought
I was done with that one.
Hmm.
How's it going?
I got a splinter...
and a few other issues.
You know what's happening here,
don't you?
You're having
a mid-life crisis.
Oh, my God.
Some guys,
it's fast cars and women.
Me, it was golf.
You,
it's just a little gayer.
I know like 10 lesbians
who could out-golf you.
The point is when you're wound
as tight as we are,
you're bound to snap.
Yeah. Yeah, I-I've just been
working so hard for so long.
And now that I've stopped,
I'm ... I'm having
a hard time starting again.
Oh, I get it.
I took six weeks off one summer
just to play golf.
And one day, during
the big club tournament,
I hooked a seven-iron
out of bounds.
I got so pissed that
I wrapped the club around a tree
and drove the golf cart off
the little bridge into the lake.
I'll never forget
what the club pro said to me.
"Mr. Pritchett,
you're not a very good golfer.
Go back
to your day job."
Look...
I know I'm not
a good painter, Dad.
I ... I was just hoping
to feel a little bit better
before
going back to work.
You're not gonna feel better
until you go back to work.
Mitchell,
you're a great lawyer.
Go do that.
And get a haircut.
Okay.
Hey.
So, listen, um,
I heard that you found out
that I was at the beach
that day.
Yeah.
I didn't know you felt
that way about me.
Would have been nice
to know.
Well, it would have
been nice to know
you had feelings for me.
A lot of things
would have been nice.
Do you have feelings
for me now?
Haley, I'm engaged.
That's not an answer.
Why are you picking now
to talk about all this?
Because I'm worried
about all this.
What? My weight?
Please. This will drop off
in a second.
Andy, don't you think
that there is a chance
that you have been eating
because you regret
getting engaged to Beth?
Why would I do that?
Beth is amazing.
Beth is a psycho who tried
to light my hair on fire.
Meanwhile,
Dylan is in the backyard
trying to make a plate
out of sticks.
Well, at least he knows
what he wants and goes for it.
Then I guess it's a good thing
that we didn't get together.
Best decision
I ever made!
Samesies!
I'm not gonna lie,
Phil.
I might need
to get back into that.
Yep.
Sanjay!
Oh, God.
I can't say goodbye again.
We don't have to.
We're basing this decision
on a statistic.
86% of long-distance
relationships
end in failure, correct?
Of course "correct."
You'd never
misquote a statistic.
And neither would you.
When have we ever been
in the bottom 86th percentile
of anything?
Never. I'd kill myself.
We're in the top 1%.
Exactly. I learned how to paint
in an afternoon.
Last night, I developed an app
to feed my fish from college.
If anyone can make this work,
it's you and me.
God, I love numbers.
I love numbers, too.
Captions by VITAC :