Well, I'm off.
While I do
love our tradition
of still getting together
on Saturday
for Thanksgiving leftovers,
maybe next time
we can order a Turkey
that doesn't have
its own event horizon.
Oh, well, who cares?
I know it's totally
gonna slay them
in my astrophysics club.
First time anyone in that club
gets slayed.
Let me give you
a hug goodbye.
I cannot believe that you're
already going to college.
It seems like yesterday
when you were a little girl
reading at college level.
Check you out!
Thanks.
I have a hot study partner
coming over, so ...
What are you making,
my little chef?
I'm making pasghetti!
You are adorable.
I remember when I had everyone
in the palm of my hand
with a two-foot putt
like "pasghetti."
We both know you know
how to say it.
Hey, guys,
thanks again
for helping me
to get that listing.
Cyril's house.
Pretty sexy, huh?
Ridonk.
This place makes
the playboy mansion
look like
an old folks' home.
Which I guess
it kind of is now.
Infinity pool,
killer views,
state-of-the-art game room,
home theater...
Plus that
four-person shower.
Did you know that's where Cyril
met his new husband?
Aww.
Mm-hmm.
Even the security code's
sexy.
Literally. It spells out "sexy"
on the keypad.
Even I think
that's trying too hard,
and at this point,
I'm mostly body spray.
And that master bathtub alone
has been in four rap videos
plus a murder re-creation
on a "Dateline" special
called "Rub-a-Dub Dead."
When I was younger,
I was a little embarrassed
my dad was just
a real-estate agent.
But as I got older,
I realized,
hey, he may not have
the coolest job in the world,
but he puts food on the table
and has access to
a bunch of empty houses
I can sneak into."
Wow. Nice pool at
the three-bedroom
in Hillgrove.
Well, looky here,
one of my kids showing interest
in the family biz.
Oh, I don't know
if I'm smart enough for that.
You have to remember
so much stuff,
like when anyone's
gonna be there.
That's what
the datebook's for.
Plus you have to remember
all of those
lock-box combinations.
I just use
a very special birthday.
Aww.
Houdini's.
I left my watch
by Cyril's tub.
I'm usually extra careful
not to leave any trace
that I was at
one of my dad's houses,
but this tub
has 16 pulsating jets,
and the whole floor vibrates
with something called
"Swedish release."
It took me 20 minutes
to find my car in the driveway.
I'm so sorry, grandpa.
I have to go do this thing
for work.
Thanks.
Hold on.
No one leaves this house
without a bag of meat.
Mm.
Bye, honey.
Can you believe
how conscientious
our little girl
has become?
Racing off to work
on a Saturday.
There's a 30% chance
she thinks it's Friday,
but still.
Mm-hmm.
Are you still mad at me?
Mmmmm-hmm.
I lost my cool on Phil
last night.
But in my defense,
I had been traveling all day,
and we had different ideas
about how we were gonna spend
the evening.
Get in here right now.
Get in this tub,
you dirty girl.
Oh, honey,
that is so sweet,
but I've been up
since 5:00 A.M.
Don't overthink it, babe.
Just take the plunge.
Oh, good, you're back.
Could you grab
the underwater camera?
You're bathing
with them now?
They waddled into the garage
and got oil on them.
And then when they were in here
by themselves,
all they wanted to do
was horse around, so...
I spent the morning
in Berkeley
and the afternoon
in Portland.
I deserve
to feel clean again.
But now
the nice, soothing tub
that I've been
dreaming about all day
is filled with feathers
and motor oil
and probably bird flu.
So, no. No.
You just sit tight,
and I will use the hose
in the backyard.
Could you still
grab the camera?
Okay. I was harsh.
But the flight back
from Portland was rough.
The overheads were packed
with foldable bikes,
and I was sitting next to a guy
using a typewriter.
Still, Phil is really
holding on to this one.
Mmmmm-hmm.
Pfft.
Well, Phil's mad at me.
Come here, little girl.
Let me give you a hug.
You're not shy with those hugs
today, are you?
Oh, and come here.
Oh, me too?
I don't know what it is,
but I get so emotional
around the holidays.
Awww. Ha, ha.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Mr. Dunphy? Is that you?
Haley?
Andy, wh... uh,
what are you doing here?
Setting up for an open house
tomorrow.
What are you d...
Splish, splash,
who was taking a bath?
Me.
I snuck over last night,
but the faucet leaked,
and I guess
I was so mellowed out
I forgot to drain the tub.
That's pretty darn
mellowed out.
Were you burning incense?
Uh, yep. Sure was.
Okay.
Well, I'll lay some towels down.
You drain the tub.
Is it stuck?
No, I'm checking my makeup
in the reflection.
Yes, it's stuck.
Here. Let me help.
No, no.
I can get it.
Here.
Okay.
Unh!
Aah!
Oh! Oh, my God.
Relax, I'm okay.
No. Isn't this the tub
from the Lil Wayne video?
Huh.
Huh!
I put our clothes
in the dryer.
I made
an executive decision ...
went with the Irish mountain
dryer sheets.
What does an Irish mountain
smell like?
We'll find out in
30, 35 minutes.
Hey, uh, don't tell my dad
I was here, okay?
I suppose I could do you
that wee favor.
Do me
a second favor...
Yeah,
I don't love it, either.
Mm.
Hey, why were you
taking a bath over here,
anyway?
Oh, I just wanted a few hours
to myself.
You know, I live in
my parents' basement,
I broke up with Dylan,
I was depressed about
how much I ate at
Thanksgiving...
You broke up with Dylan,
huh?
Yeah.
Actually, it was the day
that we saw you and Beth
at that movie.
You guys seemed
so great together
I guess I just thought,
"I want that."
I am pretty lucky.
But for
what it's worth,
Beth and I
are not perfect.
Things come up
when you plan a wedding.
Really? There's such a thing
as Mormon drama?
There was
when Beth's uncle Found out
we're serving coffee
at the reception.
Plus, she doesn't want me
to have a bachelor party.
At all?
It is one night
before the rest of your life.
You should do it up.
That's what I said.
Well, to my mirror,
but you're right.
I deserve one adventure
before I settle down.
Oh! Look what you did.
Here.
Well, yeah, I mean,
you got to do something fun.
Um... maybe
you try and fix it.
Yeah.
It should be simple enough.
O... kay...
I did not mean
to do that.
Um, maybe try this one?
Huh.
Maybe we shouldn't touch
any more buttons.
Right.
Uh... what were
we talking about?
Having an adventure.
Oh, God,
is that my dad?
'Tis a fine kettle
of fish we're in!
Get in the laundry room!
And sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda
has suffered a m...
Stop touching stuff!
Wow, you're not shy
with those hugs today,
are you?
I don't know what it is,
but I get so emotional
around the holidays.
Aww.
Oh, I get it.
I really do.
I love you.
Aww.
Gloria.
So, this year,
we're surprising the family
with a trip to Miami.
The travel company needs
everybody's driver's license
to book the flight.
That's where
"sticky fingers" here
comes in handy.
Everybody has
a bad cousin
that teaches you
a few things.
Like how to smoke,
how to pick-pocket,
how to hot-wire a car,
how to put tacks on your shoe
when you want to throw off
a-a lie-detector test.
Which cousin was this?
I am the cousin.
Bye.
Phil, honey,
remember those gutter covers
that we ordered
like a year ago?
Good news.
They shipped!
Wow.
That's exciting.
Please kill me
if I ever find gutter covers
exciting.
I know.
That marriage is staler
than a box of cupcakes
at a supermodel retreat.
Oh, ay, Phil!
Thank you again
for coming!
Oh!
It was our pleasure.
You're always so...
generous to have us!
Ay, I'm sorry.
I didn't wanted
to tickle you.
It's just that I love
how this fabric feel.
Oh...
What is the name of
this material?
Uh... jeans.
Oh, and they feel
so tight, huh?
Oh, a little
holiday trick.
Keeps me from
eating too much.
I think
you're too tense.
Oh...
Oh, what the hell
is going ...
Hey, hon.
Yeah?
Hi.
We didn't get
much of a chance
to talk today.
Um... how are you?
Not great. But, honestly,
I don't want to bore you.
Oh, well, at least start
the story.
Okay. Um, well,
I got back from Portland,
and Phil was in the bathtub
with all the ducks,
and I just completely
lost it.
And, yes,
I've apologized...
Oh, boy!
But he's really not
letting go of it this time.
I ...
you're so strong!
You know what?
Work's taking up
a lot of your time,
isn't it?
You're taking his side
on this?
I've been you on this.
When I was bogged down
with work,
your mother and I fought
all the time.
I mean, maybe not about ducks.
I'm not a weirdo.
But maybe he's mad at you
because you're not around.
But I only took
like two trips.
Just 'cause you're around
doesn't mean you're around.
That's one of those
loopy things mom would say.
I used to pretend that
I didn't understand it, too,
but I did.
Why not just make some time
for each other?
Maybe you're right.
Oh...
Maybe I'll take him for
a weekend up north, huh?
What do you think?
Sure.
Yeah.
Or leave him.
You're still attractive.
Worked great for me.
I am still in shock
about the deal we got
on those ice-cube trays.
I know. It's like we pulled off
The Great Tray Robbery.
You know, it says we're
supposed to throw them
in the dishwasher,
but I'm just gonna
give them a rinse.
Oh, you are so bad!
You know, since we got
all of our errands done early
and we do have a little
extra time on our hands...
And Lily's at a sleepover.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Just ... right there.
A little to the right.
Yep.
Right there.
Right ... Yeah. Perfect.
Now turn.
Whew!
Oh!
I have been wanting to flip
that mattress for months.
I know. It feels good
to get stuff done.
Yeah, it does!
Yes!
Aaah.
So, other than Lily,
we have no real reason
to be alive, right?
Oh, God,
is that my dad?
Get in the laundry room!
And sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda
has suffered a m...
Stop touching stuff!
Huh?
Are you sure we should be
doing this?
Mitchell, we just high-fived
over flipping a mattress.
That's way sadder
than Phil and Claire's
gutter covers.
Plus, Cyril won't care.
It's not like he hasn't had
his fun in our place.
What? When?
At your birthday party?
He and Gregory were
in the bathroom
for like an hour.
Oh, no. That's 'cause
Gregory lost a contact lens.
Okay, you're adorable.
All right, now, I'm gonna
go make some cocktails,
and then when
that sun goes down...
Mm-hmm.
You and I can get cozy
in the hot tub, okay?
Ooh, I like the sound
of that.
I'm gonna put on
some mood music, huh?
Hey, Cam,
don't they have a remote
that controls everything?
Yeah, I think so.
You know
where he keeps that?
Well, ours is always getting
buried in the couch.
Oh, here it is.
Ahh.
Ooh, I like this song.
Would you like a show
to go with it?
Mitchell!
Who's Mitchell?
I'm Magic Mitch.
Welder by day...
Stripper by choice.
My unwed sister
is seven months pregnant.
My mother
has some uterine issues
not covered by Medicare.
But if you want
to make it rain, I will ...
Mitchell!
Sweetie, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
How's the lamp?
Is it okay?
Does it work?
It's fine. See?
Okay.
All right, now, come on.
Let's get back on track.
Yes.
I'll go get
the cocktails.
You make yourself
comfortable.
I sure will.
Wow.
Maybe something
a little more lively?
Uh-huh.
It's not "Adam and Steve,"
damn it.
Corpses
as far as the eye can see.
What you don't know about
your ice-cube tray
could kill you.
Maybe the first station.
Oh, what's happening?
Oh!
Oh! Ooh!
Geez.
Don't worry
about Claire.
You've got me
all afternoon.
Honey,
remember those gutter covers
that we ordered
like a year ago?
Good news.
They shipped!
Wow.
That's exciting.
Claire's been
working a lot lately,
and it's been... great.
It's given me a lot more time
for "Battle Beasts of Gar,"
this massive
online role-playing game.
And with Cyril's
state-of-the-art gaming system,
I've been able to take my
half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage ...
PyroMiniYak ...
to a whole new level.
Level three!
Our guild, Thugsquad,
has been trying to plan a raid
against our arch-rival guild,
led by the ruthless SexyBeast,
and I got a text saying
it was finally happening.
That is,
if I could get Claire
to be okay with me disappearing
for a few hours.
Phil, honey,
I want to apologize.
For what?
You haven't ...
Been around at all.
I know.
I know, and I want
to make it up to you.
It was very hurtful.
Yeah.
It's just sometimes
I get so caught up in work
that even when I am around,
I'm not around.
Mm. So well put.
I don't want to beat you up
about that.
It's healing time now.
You know, what I'd love
is a few hours at Cyril's house
this afternoon.
With me?
Actually...
I was thinking
about that
role-playing thing
I'm into?
Phil and I have,
on occasion,
adopted various alter-egos
to spice up our marriage.
Cyril's house does sound
kind of perfect
for some romance.
And I like that Phil wants
to move past this, so...
Did you have
a particular genre in mind
for this afternoon's game?
Yes. Medieval fantasy.
Ah. Great.
Thank you.
Mm.
Oh, SexyBeast,
you are gonna get so spanked.
Refrigerator.
No, say "fridger-frater."
But it's refrigerator.
I need you to focus, kid.
Fridger-frater ...
Where we keep the sammiches.
People seem delighted by Joe.
Whatever.
But I had that fetching
study partner coming over,
and I realized I could use
Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness
to my amorous advantage.
Wow.
Even for me,
that was a lot of Manny.
But it's sandwich.
It's like
you're not even trying.
Okay, that's probably her.
L-look, just be cute, okay?
For my sake.
It's like when guys use puppies
to attract girls.
Hi, Manny.
Uh, Olive.
Please come in.
That's my little brother,
Joe.
Don't mind
his little pot there.
Hey, what do you have in there
again?
Some kind of pasta dish?
Woof, woof!
Aww!
Are you a doggie?
Yeah, he's always doing
adorable stuff like that
'cause I'm his hero.
I love that.
Are you a good doggie
or a bad doggie?
Grrr!
Oh, scary!
Adorable.
I know.
Uh, so should we head up?
Oh, my God!
Get it off me!
Uh... no!
Joe! Joe!
Joe, let go!
What are you doing?
He's biting me!
Do something!
Uh...
Grr!
No! Bad Joe!
Bad Joe!
Ow! That's just making him
bite me harder!
A person is not
a sammich, Joe!
Joe,
what are you doing?
Joe, let go!
Did you know
Phil was gonna be here?
No. I-I wear a t-shirt
in the pool.
Do you think I want him
to see me in the middle of this?
Go. Go.
(keypad beeping,
door buzzes)
Well, we only have
one six-pack
so, in a way,
it's good all the girls said no.
Aah!
What are you
doing here?
Oh, um,
my S.A.T. prep group
needed a quiet place
to study.
You ain't studying
acting.
Okay. We don't have time
for this.
Your father ...
Everybody freeze!
Tae Kwon Joe!
Eyes on those blood bats!
Let's burn 'em down fast!
Come on, madskillz87!
You're supposed to be on
spell interrupt!
Do not let those casters
get off any more frost traps!
Lisa, looks like it's you and me
on the lava demon.
Hang tight!
Powder!
Let's send them back to hell
in time for Madskillz
to make it
to his oboe lesson!
And I thought my dad
was embarrassing.
Shut up.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Hello?
Is anybody here?
Drop it!
Oh!
Ohh,
gettin' right to it.
I like it.
Please, sir, have pity.
'Tis true
I'm just a common thief,
but if you have mercy,
I'll make it
worth your while ...
Oh, yes.
Ohhh-ho!
What medieval creature
is this?
Half-man, half-robot...
Welder?
If you come out now,
you simpering coward,
maybe I'll show you
a little mercy.
Please don't hurt me!
It was her idea!
I'm the one who wanted
to go slow!
Reuben?
Oh, Alex!
Claire?
Reuben again?
He wore a Batman cape
to the first day
of high school!
You're really judging me
right now
when you look like
a hooker at Comic-con?
Yes, this was a miscalculation
on my part,
and I will be
getting my coat...
Claire,
what is going on?
and getting out of here
as soon as I ...
Luke?
Is that beer
behind your back?
Get out here!
You are so grounded!
Mrs. Dunphy,
do you ever tutor?
Dude!
Ugh.
I'm just gonna grab my
razor scooter and bounce.
Happy birth...
No, you know
it's no one's birthday.
You're probably here
for the same reason
as those two.
Well, technically,
this is your fault,
because we were afraid
our marriage
was getting
as boring as yours.
Though based on
her outfit,
we need to work
a little harder.
You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
I'm the only one
authorized to be here.
By sneaking in,
you've disrespected me,
and violated the trust
between me, my clients,
and this sexy, sexy house.
No. No!
Great.
Now Lisa's dead.
I want everybody out of here
right now!
Well, at least we have our house
to ourselves still.
Mm.
Does Magic Mitch
have another set him in?
Yeah.
His grandma's built-up shoe
isn't gonna pay for itself.
Okay, we need to work on
your sexy patter.
Unh!
Off the lamp.
Okay, before you get
any stupid ideas,
Reuben and I broke in here
so I could help him
with his math.
Heh. Good luck getting through
to that guy.
He's clueless.
Honey.
Yes?
Um... I'm sorry.
That ...
that little outburst
was mainly directed
at them.
Whatever misunderstanding
led to this,
I'm... happy about.
Oh! Oh!
I thought you were upset
because we hadn't spent
any time together.
And then you said you wanted
some role-playing fun...
Oh.
Really?
Honey, I know you've been
working really hard lately,
and I-I appreciate any time
I can get with you.
So you're not mad at me?
Silence, elvin harlot.
Ohh, sorry, my lord.
Didn't mean to offend.
But you have,
craven wench.
Mm.
And I shall
mete out punishment as ...
I can hear you guys
giggling.
At least
I have a girlfriend!
All clear.
Well, that was crazy.
My ticker hasn't gotten
a workout that good
since I made the finals of
that cup-stacking competition.
Hey, should I take these robes
upstairs?
I'm gonna pop mine
in the washer.
I've got about three pounds
of tension sweat in here.
Hey...
I, uh...
I feel kind of bad
about before.
Don't.
We didn't do anything.
I know. It just felt like
something could've...
If everybody hadn't...
Yeah.
You know what it is.
It's the house.
It's the house!
I mean, the fireplace,
the music...
The crazy couch-bed.
Anyone could've
gotten swept up.
Anyone.
Anyone. Yeah.
Heh.
Anyone.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah. Totally.
I mean,
it was a fun afternoon, though.
I wanted one crazy adventure
before I got married,
and I got one.
Good. It was fun.
I'll see you later.
Yep.
What's Joe doing
in Stella's cage?
He knows what he did.
Go on, boy! Get!
Jay!
So, I was thinking,
since Miami's only
a few hours away from Colombia,
why don't we have
my relatives fly to Miami
so that the whole family
can be together?
Gloria, I love your family.
I do.
But ...
This is so typical.
We do everything
for your family,
but when it comes to
my side of the family, then ...
We're not going to Miami.
What?
I bought everybody
plane tickets to Colombia.
Ay, Jay!
That's not what you were
supposed to do!
I think you mean
"you shouldn't have,"
and you're probably right.
No!
I mean you shouldn't have been
nice about this at all!
You were supposed to say,
"Why can't we see your
family some other time?"
And I would say,
"Like when?"
And then you would say,
"Is never an option?"
And I would say,
"That's so mean,
Jay Pritchett!"
And then you would say,
"Is there a way that I can
make it up to you, Gloria?"
And then I would say,
"How about if..."
If what?
Oh, no.
Hola!
Hola! Hola!
Yeah. Come in, come in.
Does this feel like
a short visit to you
or a long one?
The pregnant one
brought a stroller.
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