Joe, you're going to see
your first snow.
It's so exciting!
I can't wait
to make a snow person!
"Person"?
We got to get him
out of that hippie school.
I don't know, Jay.
Last report card,
he got straight dolphins.
Christmas in Colombia
was always hot and loud,
people arguing,
betrayal, schemes.
So I rented a mountain cabin
for the whole family
to celebrate my first Christmas
as an American.
I want a white Christmas,
you know,
like white people have.
Hey, want to hit
the pipe one more time
before
we get on the road?
Um, yeah.
Couldn't hurt.
Oh, my God,
we are killing it!
Last Christmas, Mitchell and I
thought it would be fun
to sing a little Christmas carol
for the family.
Unfortunately,
it didn't go
so well because somebody had
a little too much to drink.
Stop doing that.
I was nervous.
Mitchell?
The family has been mocking us
relentlessly all year.
Nicknames
like Screeches & Herb,
Simon & God-awful,
Nickelback.
But we're gonna
redeem ourselves this year.
We have been rehearsing
our new number for months,
and we will debut it
at the cabin
as a special holiday "screw you"
to the family.
Hey, Marty, listen,
it's your hotel,
but a walnut closet
is a place your guests want
to hang their clothes.
A particleboard closet ...
They want to hang themselves.
All this closet stuff
is driving me nuts.
I want to get annoyed,
but it's hard when I feel
this comfortable.
Oh, God, he's gonna talk about
his new coat again.
It's like getting a big,
warm hug from a mama sheep.
Nothing feels
like pure sheepskin.
The gal at the store said
I looked
like Kris Kristofferson.
We don't know who that is.
I have
so much lab homework
to get done
during this break.
If it were up to me,
Christmas wouldn't
even come this year.
Any chance you could sound more
like a cartoon villain?
Come on, Alex, it's three
solid days of winter fun.
We're gonna go sledding,
skating,
ice-fishing,
make snow angels.
Who's with me?
Snow, snow!
Snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow, snow, snow!
Snow?
No, that's a leaf.
It's hotter here
than at home.
Gloria,
in your little daily e-mails,
you said
it was gonna be cold.
That's what my phone said.
- You're on Celsius.
- Oh.
It's going to be hot,
guys!
Oh, is the furnace on?
Phil,
take off that jacket.
You're making me hot
just looking at you.
Saleslady said
that would happen.
Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber.
Something about the coat
just knows what my body needs.
You're sweating
like a heroin addict.
Oh, hey, look, a piano.
Maybe we can get a little song
from the Crapenters.
- Hey.
- Be cool.
Andy's fiancée, Beth,
has to work,
so Gloria invited him
for Christmas,
which
is complicated
because we've been having sex
and nobody knows about it.
I mean, we know.
My family
cannot find out about us.
I'm certainly not
gonna tell them.
I still have
their respect.
Andy, chop-chop.
Joe's making his bathroom face.
All right, let's just go home.
I mean, it's hot.
There's no Wi-Fi.
- Alex, stop being the Grinch.
If that is the worst problem,
then merry Christmas.
Oh, thank God you made it!
I thought you'd gotten
into a horrible car accident!
Wait a second.
You're not Trip, Tad, Lois,
Darcy, and Marlene.
- No, we're other names.
- Who are you?
Fig Wilson.
My family's been coming here
for the holidays for years.
We rented this cabin
from the Wilsons.
They are in Hawaii.
- Nobody told me that.
Okay, well, bye-bye.
How could they abandon me?
Uh, I'm the most caring one
in the family.
I warn them about cancer.
I buy their fat kids clothes
in aspirational sizes.
I invite them all
to my dogs' funerals.
Last one ran straight
into traffic.
I can see that.
Is it possible
the invitation got lost?
I mean...
you seem great.
Well, I guess I'll just get
my bags and walk down the hill.
Hopefully, I'll get to the
bus station before nightfall.
It's wolf season.
Why don't you stay here
with us?
It's Christmas.
Oh.
First time I saw you,
I thought you were
gonna be a pain in the ass,
but it turns out
you're my favorite.
What do you think's
in here?
No one told you the legend
of the forgotten boy?
Happened right here
100 years ago.
A boy was very bad,
and his parents locked him
in this secret room
and left him here
forever.
They say at night,
you can hear him
trying
to scratch his way out.
We got her.
Idiots.
That was you scratching,
right?
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
- No, you go.
- No, it's okay. After you.
Here, I'll just...
Oh, why don't I go...
What are you guys doing ...
having a staring contest?
I got winners!
Later, though.
Come here.
Andy...
I've got a very special
present for you.
Did this guy tell you he passed
his real-estate-license test?
I know.
I helped him cram.
Ah, she's really
drilling me pretty hard.
Cool.
Listen, when I first
got into real estate,
I worked at one of those
big firms with the blazers.
I'd rather
not say their name,
but it rhymed with
"Century Not Very Fun."
Anyway, I saved this.
I'd like for you
to have it.
Wow.
When you wear it, remember
the values of our profession ...
trust, honor, integrity,
fidelity, and purity.
Are you worthy
of the blazer, Andy?
- I want to be.
I didn't expect it
to hit this hard.
Me either.
Who wants eggnog?
I'll take some.
I had a tough week at work.
What do you do?
Oh, my dad and I are
in the closet business.
I'm sorry, it almost
sounded like you said,
"closet business."
I did ... residential and
hospitality storage solutions.
Yikes.
Hey, specs,
I'm dying over there.
What are you reading?
Science stuff.
I'm sure it'll bore you.
I teach astrophysics
at M.I.T.
Wait a minute.
Are you F.N. Wilson?
- F-N right, I am!
We just read your essay
on how solar flares
will wipe out life
on Earth!
Hopefully before closet lady
corners me again.
Hey, hey,
everybody's here,
so let's just casually
make our way over to the piano.
Okay, okay.
Ooh, what are we drinking there,
Miss Scarlet?
Relax. It's hot tea
for my throat.
Oh, we should
have Lily film us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Lily, come here.
Okay, so, Daddy and I are about
to sing a Christmas song, and ...
- I'm gonna stop you right there.
- No, no.
No, it's not gonna be
like last year
because we're prepared and
we're singing "Silent Night."
That's my favorite.
Can I sing with you?
Aaaaaah!
Oh.
Can I have
everyone's attention, please?
I feel so lucky
celebrating
with the best damn family
any man could hope for.
- Aww!
- Dad.
- And Fig.
- Hey-oh!
Gloria and I have been talking
about this for a while.
What with Joe getting older,
I feel it's just the right time
to start a new chapter,
which is why I've decided...
to retire.
- Oh, my.
- What?
Maybe "retired"
is the wrong word ...
more of a transition.
So, when people ask,
"Where's Jay Pritchett?"
You tell them,
"He's transitioning."
- Mm.
- Okay, I heard it, too.
Let's go back to retiring.
Hey, we can finally
rent that R.V.
and visit all
of the major league ballparks.
I'll probably go ahead
and do that alone.
Uh, anyway,
I had to ask myself,
"Who's the best person
to lead the company?"
And the answer is obvious.
Chuck Feeny.
- Who?
Gutters and screen hot shot
out of Chicago.
With him in charge,
we can all relax
knowing that the company
is in good hands.
Claire gets a great new boss.
- Mm-hmm.
And you all get to spend
more time with yours truly.
- Uh...
- Well, to this one's new boss.
Uh...
Claire,
that's my gesturing hand.
I need it for work.
I work 60-hour weeks
so Chuck Feeny can have
the corner office and
the best table at Closet Con!
Honey,
you need to slow down.
This coat
isn't quite broken in yet.
Listen, you have
every right to be mad.
Everyone knows
you deserve that job.
And to think
of all the weekends I worked
and the ... the family vacations
we've put off,
not to mention the stress
and the insomnia and ...
- Come here.
Mm.
Claire, life's like
a mountain road...
with a new adventure
around every corner.
If that's the slogan for this
stupid coat, I'm gonna kill you!
Shh! Get in here.
- Have you seen Claire?
- No.
I told you this Chuck Feeny
thing was a terrible idea!
It's a brilliant idea.
There is no Chuck Feeny.
I made him up because
of what happened to Don McSorley
when he turned his company
over to his son.
Son only took the job
because he felt obligated.
One year later,
business went bankrupt.
Broke my heart to buy his entire
inventory 8 cents on the dollar.
I'm doing this for Claire.
She'd do anything
to make me happy,
and that's not why
I want her to take the job.
If she wants it,
she'll fight for it.
If not, I just gave her
an easy out.
I can think
of 10 better ways to do this.
Relax.
It's gonna be perfect.
She'll come to me,
demand what's hers.
I'll tell her the truth,
big hug, perfect Christmas.
I'm a genius.
- You're a crazy person.
In my village, we will tie
a tin can around your neck
to know
when you're coming.
♪ 'Round yon virgin
Okay, hey, hey,
I have a fun idea!
Why don't we give Lily one
of her presents right now?
- Ooh, that is a fun idea, Daddy.
- Yeah.
Then she can go play
with a toy
rather than being
with us boring, old adults.
Mm.
How's that sound, Lily?
I feel like you're up
to something, but I don't care.
I want a present.
I'll take the bike-shaped one.
Nice wrapping job,
by the way.
Uh, wasn't that for Joe?
- Well, Joe's getting a doll now.
- All right.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Gloria asked me
to get some kindling.
Mm.
Why are you walking around
wearing next to nothing?
It's 26 Celsius
out there.
Ah, I'm not showing
any skin
'cause I don't want
to tempt you.
Oh, well, your gold blazer
took care of that.
- You know you're into it.
- I know. Why?
Damn you
and that Eagle Scout smile.
I want to take a swim
in those big doe eyes.
This is happening.
- Mm-hmm.
- Getting wood, Andy?
- What?
Mm.
Can you believe Gloria
wants a traditional fire?
As if it isn't hot enough
in here.
- Mm.
- Come on, bro.
Okay.
Hello, Lily.
- What are you wearing?
Mom made us put on
our Christmas sweaters,
but look what we found.
It's a note.
"I'm hungry for the blood
of a little girl.
Signed,
the forgotten boy."
- This is terrifying.
- It's getting real.
The scariest thing is that
he spells like a 2-year-old.
Wait, what?
Dude.
Christmas, huh?
Who the hell came up
with this one?
It was
Emperor Constantine.
I love it!
It's not easy being the smartest
person in the room.
My sister thinks quantum theory
is a game show,
and my brother once tried
to take his pants off
over his head.
Gals like us, we see through
all the family B.S.
We call it
like we see it.
So, if we're alone
for Christmas
and birthdays and weekends,
it's their loss.
Gals like us
we don't need anyone.
I'm not big on mysticism,
but, clearly,
this woman was
my ghost of Christmas future.
So, I decided
to turn things around
and jump in
on the holiday spirit.
Jump aboard the fun train!
Whoo, whoo!
That was a train.
Something smells good!
What?
What doesn't smell good?
No, I-I said it did.
I am confused!
What is it that you don't like?
I'm just excited for dinner.
I love you guys.
Oh, don't be nasty.
We're trying our best.
Yes!
Hey, look what I found ...
a key to that secret room.
My entire family is here.
Do you have any idea
how dangerous that is?
Meet me in two minutes.
There she is.
Haven't seen you since
my big announcement.
What do you think?
I think that I gave my all
to this company
and that if you were gonna
hand over the reins to somebody,
it should be me
and not some hump from Chicago!
Well, it just so happens ...
I'm not finished, Dad!
Thank you for saving me
from wasting the next 20 years
of my life
talking about slats,
rods, and hinges ...
from becoming
the most boring person
in the most boring industry
on earth!
- "Boring"?
- Boring!
Closets bring order
to a chaotic world!
- What happened?
- I'll tell you what happened.
I raised a mean,
ungrateful daughter,
and I'm glad I gave the business
to Chuck Feeny!
There is no Chuck Feeny!
Manny, Luke, knock it off!
No one thinks it's funny!
- Are you talking to us?
- Huh?
Hey, as long as everybody's
just sitting around, uh ...
Oh, they're gonna
do another one!
Thank you, Santa Claus!
That's hilarious.
Hope you're having fun,
'cause that's about to end.
Okay, stick to the scripted
patter, sweetie.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And a one and a two.
Oh, my God,
what was that?
- Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
- Fine. It's no big deal.
So, Mitchell,
here we go again.
That is your
daughter screaming!
- Lily, are you okay?
- What's going on?
The forgotten boy ...
I heard him! He's in there!
Of course he is.
All right,
let's get him out, huh?
We'll make sure that
he doesn't bother ... Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
Andy?
Take off the blazer.
We were just looking
for dinner napkins.
Where?
In her shirt?
I have
so many questions.
Boys, Lily,
go play where snow would be.
So, is this a thing?
Is it the first time?
- Yes!
- No.
- Andy!
I-I'm sick of the lies.
We've been having
improper relations.
Oh.
Aren't you engaged?
Oh, suddenly,
you're concerned about loyalty.
Oh, you're talking to me.
Won't that bore you?
Apparently, I'm boring!
- Listen, everyone,
let's not let this ruin
our beautiful holiday.
Alex, nobody needs
your sarcasm right now!
It's ugly, honey.
This is Andy
and Haley's private business.
I think we should be focused
on this special night.
This special
silent night.
- One and a two.
- No.
Guys, I have a surprise!
It's Beth!
Oh, my God.
This is one
of my Christmas surprises.
Andy, you can spend Christmas
with your fiancée after all!
- Mmm, hi, fiddle-faddle!
- Hey, pumpkin!
Beth, you mind if I have
a quick chitchat with your man?
Yeah, I'll give Beth
a tour of the house
while we get Gloria
up to speed.
Don't you just love
the holidays?
Yeah.
Full of wonder and magic
and surprise and ...
What?
Sit.
Mr. Dunphy, I am s...
It's not your turn
to talk.
That's my daughter, and you're
engaged to someone else.
If this is a fling, it's over.
You understand me?
But if this is something real,
you need to be honest with Beth.
It's time to step up
and be a man.
I understand.
Let me tell you something.
Life is like
a mountain road
with a new adventure
around every corner.
- Wow.
- Right?
- Did you just think of that?
- I did.
(Beethoven's
"Moonlight Sonata" plays)
Seems tense.
Your big sis
is kind of a disaster, huh?
Fig, we are a lot alike,
like you said.
And sometimes
we can give off
a negative vibe
without meaning to.
What's your point?
Well, I was thinking
maybe we could make more
of an effort to be more positive
and actually enjoy Christmas.
As a goof?
Okay, all right, new plan.
We wait until the whole
Haley/Andy thing blows over.
Everyone gets
a little liquored up.
Other people.
And then, right before dessert,
you sit down at the piano.
- Shh!
- You ...
What the hell is that?
- Son of a bitch!
- Mother...
That's it.
I'm drinking.
- Wow.
- Aww.
That's got to hurt!
Hey, zucchini blossom!
Hey, popcorn shrimp,
listen.
Something is going on,
and...
as painful as it may be,
I think we should talk about it.
You could always
see through me.
- What now?
- Yes, I met someone.
I've been dating him for
a few months behind your back.
And I'm actually
cheating on him, too.
You mean with me?
No!
No.
Oh.
Popcorn shrimp.
Well, slight change of plans.
I'm gonna be going.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Bye, Beth!
Drive safe!
Keep in touch!
I don't see us
keeping in touch.
Hey,
you broke up with Beth?
She cheated on me.
I can't believe it.
- Wait, you're upset?
- Of course I'm upset.
We dated for 10 years.
I just got stabbed
in the back.
- Welcome to the club.
- Really?
You were stabbed
in the back?
A daughter mocking
her father's life.
Closets aren't fascinating?
Since when?
Want to talk about betrayal?
How about when
somebody steals a song
and takes it
for themselveses?
I had no idea that you guys
were gonna sing that song.
I did.
I heard them rehearsing.
I thought there was an animal
stuck in the wall.
And to think we invited you
into our home.
We should've left you
out in the warm.
I get that you're upset,
but remember,
I even liked you
when you were fat.
They give out awards
to people like me!
I gave up
a three-day trip to Cabo
to close
that Best Western deal.
That's right.
You owe her 25 margaritas!
- Phil!
- 21!
- Enough, enough, enough!
All I wanted
was a white Christmas,
and instead,
I'm back in Colombia ...
the heat, the betrayal,
people stealing songs!
This ends now!
Andy, stop whining and be
grateful that Haley likes you!
She's a stone-cold 10,
and you're a Utah 7!
Jay, it's time for you
and Claire to kiss and make up!
Why doesn't he
kiss Chuck Feeny?
Because there's
no Chuck Feeny!
He made it up to test you!
And if she didn't care,
she wouldn't be this upset!
There is no
Chuck Feeny?
It was a dumb idea, but I saw
what happened to Don McSorley!
The crackerjack
blinds guy.
You got his whole company
for 8 cents on the dollar.
I bought his photocopier
for 7 bucks.
I always hoped
you'd take over the company.
There's no one I trust
more than you.
I just had to know
that you really wanted it!
That I wanted to run a company
that gives people a place
to store not only their jeans,
but their dreams?
- Yes!
- Here.
I got you a little
early Christmas present.
"Claire Dunphy, C.E.O."
- Oh, you!
- What?
Oh!
- That's more like it!
Who cares
what the weather is?
What is important is
that we have each other!
Snow!
Good King Wenceslas,
there is snow!
I told you everything
was going to work out.
It's a perfect Christmas.
- What are we looking at?
- Snow!
Our miracle
for Christmas.
That's not snow.
That's ashes
from a forest fire.
If you're quiet,
you can hear screaming.
Phil, did you look
in all the drawers?
Yep, and under the bed.
Got everything.
- Bye, Gloria. Thank you.
- Bye.
Jay, don't forget
Joe's new doll.
Mitch and Cam ...
always pushing their agenda.
Bye-bye, house!
We will miss you!
Hello?
I-It's me ... Luke!
I think
I locked myself in here!
Uh, I don't think
I'm alone in here!
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