I'm starving.
Any chance that's for me?
Oh, no.
It is for mom.
I'm planning on making
some bad choices tonight,
and I'm gonna need her
on my side.
I never realized
the forethought
that went into
being a disappointment.
Mm.
Hey!
Hey, Uncle Mitch.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
It's Uncle Mitchell's
birthday fun day.
We know!
Yeah!
We are so excited you are
finally cashing this in.
Me too.
We forgot to get
Uncle Mitchell a present
for his last birthday.
So, we came up with
this great idea ...
a coupon for a fun day
with the three of us.
It was perfect
because it was so sweet
and we'd never
have to do it.
I hope you're ready
for your first big surprise!
I am.
It's a super-fun omelet!
Aww!
Uh, yeah!
And if you were wondering
what is so super-fun about that,
is that it comes with
a ... a side of, uh...
Luke's omelet dance!
Don't be shy.
You've been practicing all week.
Come on.
Okay. Uh...
Oh.
This is
a living nightmare.
Why would he just show
up? Shouldn't he have
given us some notice?
I kind of remember him
calling about it,
but I would've put it
in my phone ...
oh, there it is.
Of course.
Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be
cat-sitting.
We have to figure out
something good.
He's the first to call us
on our birthdays,
and he always gets us
amazing presents.
Are you even
listening to me?
How long can a cat go
without eating?
Haley, he is
the best uncle there is.
This cannot be
our present.
I don't know what's happening,
but I love it.
if you're going to keep
giggling, I'll do my own nails.
I'm sorry ... it's just funny,
the juxtaposition.
I get it ... I'm Asian.
Ha ha ha.
It's racist, Daddy.
Sorry.
Lily, look who it is ...
our lovely Canadian guests.
Please come in.
How is everything upstairs?
It's like a palace
up there.
I keep expecting
to run into Gordon Pinsent.
Ooh.
I'm sorry.
Is he not a big movie star
down here?
No. But thank you
for Ryan Reynolds.
One little thing ... we're going
to see the handprints
at the Chinese Theater,
and I'm worried
it's going to look disrespectful
if Rob wears shorts.
Honey, it's 55 degrees out.
I'm not wearing long pants.
You're fine.
It's Hollywood.
There'll be people there
with no pants.
Hi, Lily.
Lily,
say hi to Monte.
Hi.
I'm... sorry.
She's never this shy.
No, we're sorry.
Seems like something scared her.
Ohhhh.
It was adorable.
Lily was clearly smitten
with that little Canadian Monte.
Just heard that.
Delightful.
It was a rite of passage that
I had been looking forward to ...
my daughter's first crush.
And I wanted to be there for her
in a way
that no one was there for me.
Of course, my first crush
was on a statue
of a Confederate general
in front of a courthouse.
That's the same year they put up
the "Do not climb the statue"
signs.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Is this shirt okay?
I got another one in the car.
It's just lunch.
Calm down.
Your boyfriend's
gonna love it.
Last summer, Phil and I
went to Cabo for five days,
and we met Tom and Lisa Delaney,
and we had so much fun,
we make sure to see them
every time they're in town.
Tom's a hugely successful
investment banker.
Yeah.
He does tons of charity work,
he runs a marathon in 3:24,
and he flies
his own helicopter.
Yeah, and Lisa...
Yeah,
she is one lucky lady.
Before they get here,
can you promise me
you won't pick up the check?
Why?
Oh, honey,
I like them,
but we've seen them
three times since Cabo.
Every time, they order
the most expensive stuff.
They are the richest people
we know ...
thank you ...
and yet I have not seen him
reach for the check once.
Tom has trouble
reaching for stuff.
He hurt his shoulder
pitching in college.
Division 1.
You feel a need
to pick up the check because
you're intimidated by him
and you want to prove something.
That's crazy. I just don't like
it when the bill sits there.
It's awkward.
You can't just
roll over on something
'cause it makes you feel
uncomfortable.
Whatever you want.
Hello, beautiful.
Ohh!
Hi, handsome.
Hey, you two.
Hey!
Hi!
Oh, my gosh.
It is so great
to see you guys.
And you.
Let's get some champagne.
Let's do it.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, that's it.
If you hate it so much,
just tell me.
Fine.
Your cologne is horrible.
You smell like
a stripper died in a cabin.
I'm not talking about
my cologne.
That's why I hang back and wait
for him to get specific.
My mustache.
I've been growing it
for weeks,
and the two of you have been
conspicuously silent.
It's very dashing.
What mustache?
Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to
believe you didn't see it.
You got me.
Check you later, Serpico.
Serpico!
You don't even know
who that is.
Jay.
Where are you going
with your golf clubs?
Take a shot
in the dark.
But we have a playdate.
Really? We just had one
last night.
Not that
I'm saying no ...
just quicker turnaround
than usual.
A playdate for Joe.
And both parents are coming,
so you have to be here.
You've got to be
kidding me.
I mean, it's bad enough
that these kids today
have to make a date
to play with each other.
They can't go in the street
and kick a can
or drool over a friend's
centerfold of Kim Novak.
Say something
I understand.
Why do we all have to sit around
and watch our kids play?
Because that's
what people do now.
And Joe is very excited
about it.
His first real friend.
Gloria...
What's the problem?
I like the mom,
and everybody says
that you and the dad
have a lot in common.
It's going to be fun.
Come in, everybody.
Hi!
Gloria, this is
my husband, Marty.
Look at you.
Pretty as a pinup.
And where's the lucky husband
I've been hearing about?
Marty, that's Jay.
Oh, good.
You are old.
I was scared
they were exaggerating.
Um, so... I don't want
to spoil any surprises,
but, uh,
if you had to guess,
what ... what would you say
we're doing today?
Yeah, let's just see if you pick
what we have planned.
Let's see.
Oh, my God.
Is it that farm in Oxnard
where cam and Lily and I
went strawberry-picking?
We had
the most wonderful ...
Ow.
Sorry, but you are just
so great at this game.
But it's not strawberry season,
so it can't be that.
Which is exactly
why we didn't pick that.
Okay,
so... guess again.
Wait ...
do I smell the ocean?
Are you taking me to that
fabulous Carlton's on the beach?
They have the most ...
Ow!
Well, we're not making
any promises,
but that would be
a pretty good guess.
If they weren't closed
for renovations.
Damn it!
Think, Uncle Mitchell.
It's getting a little
warm in here. Do you mind
if we crack a window?
Unless I've already
done that with my head.
We ... we need
to stop for gas, okay?
Just keep your blindfold on,
Uncle Mitchell.
Okay.
Fine.
This is fine.
Fill 'er up!
Yes, ma'am.
Seriously?
We can't just keep
driving around.
We need to go
somewhere.
Focus, people.
What does Uncle Mitchell like?
I don't know. Gay things,
right? What's the gayest
thing you can think of?
He's married to it.
Hey, look.
Everybody loves stars.
We could take him on a tour.
Driving around
looking at houses
isn't much
of a birthday fun day.
We need more time.
Let's knock him out.
Charlize Theron,
Harrison Ford, Halle Berry...
None of these seem
very Uncle Mitchell.
What does
Uncle Mitchell like?
Gay things.
Then here's
the mother lode.
Barbra Streisand!
Perfect!
Okay, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. How do we
know these maps are real?
You think I built this
whole business on fake maps?
What business?
You got a sign and a lawn chair.
Can we wrap this up? I might
still have a cat to feed.
Phil must have taken
100 pictures of me on the beach
just to get one shot
of the topless women behind me.
There were topless women
behind you?
Uh-huh.
Here you go. I'll just take this
when you're ready.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
So, what do you two have planned
for the rest of today?
Nothing... really.
But if you need
to wind it up, it's ...
Nah. We're good.
Yeah, good. Good.
Do you guys, uh, you have
any fun trips planned or...
Well, I was planning
on visiting the restroom,
and if all goes well,
then maybe Spain in April.
Adios, amigo.
iVaya con dios!
You want to keep that hand,
amigo?
And France
was just beautiful.
I hadn't been there
since D-Day.
Took me
the same amount of time
to get across that beach,
though.
You were
in the service?
Yeah,
but different war.
Oh, Korea. Me too.
No, next war.
Keep going.
Anybody want some cheese?
Ah.
Not me.
Gums up the old ticker.
Jay knows about that.
No idea.
Love the stuff.
Just be careful
with the almonds.
You may break
the denture.
Uh, it's not a denture.
It's an implant.
How many times
have we been over this?
You forget stuff,
too, huh?
I never forget
anything.
When we park at the mall,
we have to take a picture.
Jay, Gloria tells me you have
kids from your first marriage.
So does Marty.
Yeah.
My oldest is, uh, 66.
Was.
She passed last year.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, that's young.
What was it?
Natural causes.
I blame most of it
on stress.
So much more pressure
than there was years ago.
Back in our day ...
Different day.
Not the same day.
Actually more
your dead daughter's day.
May she rest in peace.
Mom, we need to talk.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
watching the kids.
Wesley is a bad influence
on Joe.
He's rude
and disrespectful,
and I think you should
nip this friendship in the bud.
He made fun of your mustache,
didn't he?
What kind of 4-year-old
knows the word "wispy"?
Manny, look at me.
This close,
and I still couldn't see it.
It's just for
a little while longer, okay?
Fine.
But if they mess with me,
I'm gonna mess with them.
How many times a night
do you have to get up to pee?
I'm up to four or five.
Not me, old-timer.
Twice tops.
Once last month,
I even slept through the night.
Now, I'm gonna
refresh this
'cause I got nothing
to worry about.
I'm literally
in a pissing contest
with the son of a bitch.
Why are we eating
off the good china?
Because we're having company
for lunch.
Who's coming?
Okay, I invited Monte
and his family from upstairs.
What? Why?
Because a daddy can tell when
his little girl has a crush.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Hey, Lily,
where are you going?
Look, I want you
to be able to talk to me
about this kind of stuff.
It's completely natural
and healthy
to have feelings
for someone.
And you know what?
I think he likes you, too.
You just have to
draw him out, you know?
Flirt a little.
How?
Uh, well, you just
sit down in front of him,
look him straight in the eye,
put a big smile on your face,
and ask him
some questions,
like, "So,
do you have any hobbies?
Is Canada really as beautiful
as they say it is?
Are you a fan of the bacon?"
Why are you blinking
like that?
Well, because
I'm sending him signals.
Okay, what else?
Oh.
Definitely compliment him
on his outfit,
laugh at his jokes.
What if
they aren't funny?
Oh, honey,
the cute ones rarely are.
God doesn't give
with both hands.
Okay, do not have
a heart attack,
but when you take off
your blindfold,
you will be standing
in front of none other
than the legendary
superstar...
Who?
the one and only...
Who?
Ms. Barbra Streisand...
Oh, my!
's house.
Ah ... oh.
Oh, are you serious?
She actually lives here?
Yeah.
Well...
I can't believe it.
Dude, look.
Her gate is open.
We should get a picture of you
in her driveway.
How awesome of a birthday
fun day gift would that be?
Okay. You know what?
Pepper would die.
He loved "Yentl" so much,
he had a second bar mitzvah.
Oh.
Yeah. Okay, let's ...
let's do it.
Okay, right in front
of the house.
Yeah.
This is fantastic.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We were just ...
Oh, my God.
You're Ray Liotta.
Wow.
He really is a big fan.
He even knows
the name of her gardener.
Ah.
"Goodfellas"?
"Something Wild"?
"Field of Dreams"?
"Field of Dreams."
Never seen it.
Okay,
we're really not that old.
Look, Ray Liotta
is a very fine actor,
and we have taken up
enough of his time.
Stop saying my full name
like you have to keep
telling them who I am.
Well...
So, wait ... you live
with Barbra Streisand?
Y-Y-You got the map.
Yeah.
She lived here for about
2 months 15 years ago.
Oh.
You think the bastards
would update these things
to reflect the current
movie-star owners.
Thank you. Come on, kids. We're
very sorry to have bothered you.
No, no, no. I don't want you
to leave empty-handed.
Come on in
for a selfie.
Oh. All right.
Um...
Here.
O-Okay.
When you see my movies
later,
you're gonna realize
that this is a special moment.
Come on.
And "cheeeeese"!
Cheese!
See? That's an old actor's trick
for a perfect smile.
Except you and I are smiling.
You guys aren't smiling.
W-What's the matter?
It's not you,
Mr. Liotta.
We just really feel like
we let our uncle down.
We were supposed to plan
a special day for his birthday,
and we totally flaked.
We're so sorry.
We tried to figure out
where to take you,
and we know how much
you love Barbra Streisand.
You always give us
the most awesome gifts.
We suck.
Don't say that.
I kind of figured
you didn't have anything
by the second verse
of the omelet dance.
Hey,
I've had no training.
But then I saw how hard you were
trying to make me happy,
and I just love
hanging out with you guys.
Plus, I did get to meet
Ray Lio...
Ray.
You're also gonna meet
Barbra.
What? No.
I've been meaning
to go by her house anyway.
I've got
a bunch of her mail.
Oh, you don't
have to do that.
No, no, no, no.
You remind me of ...
of someone that I loved
when I was a kid.
I had a funny uncle,
too.
Oh.
This is
so nice of you.
Well, I must admit,
I-I have a little bit
of an ulterior motive.
I think Lily has a giant crush
on your little guy.
I kind of wanted
to set them up.
I know ...
I'm a hopeless romantic.
Oh!
That's so cute!
I remember my first crush.
It was at summer camp.
I lived in Toronto,
and he was from Edmonton,
so it was
very star-crossed.
Just like
our little Romeo and Juliet.
He was the first boy
I ever loved.
Billy Macklin.
God. I haven't
thought of him in years.
Do you have
any hobbies?
Well,
I like rock climbing.
I collect PokÃ©mon ...
I hear Canada's nice.
Do you like bacon?
Okay, you know what,
I'm just gonna ...
After that summer,
things got pretty rough.
Dad died,
Mom started drinking.
It was a lot to handle.
I love your shirt.
Is it new?
Oh, I think this shirt's
older than you are.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha!
Okay, Lily, can I see you
in the bedroom, please?
Older than I am ...
oh, Rob, you're killing me!
Okay,
we'll be right back.
And enough.
What are you doing
out there?
What you told me.
I think
it's going pretty good.
I thought
your crush was on Monte.
You can't flirt
with a grown man.
But you said ...
No.
It's not appropriate.
Oh, no! I'm never
talking to a boy ever again!
Lily, you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
If anything,
this is ... this is my fault.
I thought you meant Monte,
and I confused you.
Can I... tell you
a little secret?
No!
Well, when I made a move
on my first crush,
it went way worse.
It was New Year's Eve,
and I went to give him a kiss,
and my tongue froze
to his cheek.
Why did it freeze?
It was cold,
and he was made out of bronze,
and I don't
want to talk about this anymore.
What are you
doing?
Marty said guys our age
can't do 10 sit-ups.
I don't remember saying it,
but it sounds like me.
Jay, may I speak with you
for a moment?
All right.
Ah, crap!
Uh, here.
L-Let me help you.
Aah!
I'm going down!
Aah! Vicky!
What is wrong with you
today?
I'm sick of
Marty lumping me
into the same age category
as him.
"Guys like us,"
"Back in our day."
I'm a Baby Boomer,
for God's sake.
I know all the words
to "Light My Fire."
Jay, you have to stop
thinking only about you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I should think about Joe.
No ... me!
Do you know
that Vicky and I
are the oldest moms
in the class ... by a lot?
So?
This might surprise you,
but aging is also a big deal
for women.
I need Vicky
to be my friend.
I feel out of place
around all those young moms.
And if you don't like
her husband,
maybe
she'll stop liking me.
Gloria, I'm trying,
but it's ...
At least you're not
the oldest dad.
Can't you enjoy that?
When was the last time
that you were
the young stud in the room?
When I put Mom
in that nursing home.
That was quite a rush.
So, are you
going to be nice?
Yes.
He's not a bad guy.
And really,
how much longer
am I gonna have to
put up with him?
Ay, no, Jay.
Don't say that.
You're going to live
a long life.
Not me!
Grandpa out there!
Shh!
He can hear you.
Hear what?
You were talking
about my mustache again?
No, Manny.
We love your mustache.
Oh, hilarious.
Tell me you like it
now that I've shaved it off!
Black mother and white father,
but I've never met him.
Ah.
That's a story
that should be out there more ...
white fathers
who abandon their families.
What else?
So, this is Walter.
Just as I took over for Jeremy
when his shift ended,
he'll be taking over
for me.
Unless you're ready?
I think we're still talking.
But thanks.
Walter? Could I ask you a quick
question right over there?
I'll be right back, too.
Hey! I just need a minute alone
with my husband. Thank you.
There is no way
you are paying that bill.
It has been out there
forever,
and he hasn't even pretended
to reach for his wallet.
This is torture, Claire.
I'll pay anything to end it.
Stay strong.
I'm weak.
You married a weak man!
Give it to me.
Give it ... Phil ...
No! Walter! Walter!
Walter!
D'Ohh!
Okay.
Here's the thing.
We like hanging out ...
No, Claire! No!
I know
what this is about.
Tom, you should have
paid the check. It's rude.
He's not rude. He's wonderful.
I had to pay.
Why?
Phil, don't you say
another word! Ow!
See? I told you.
What the hell
is going on here?
Nothing.
Phil?
Fine ...
if you have to know
every last detail
about my life...
I lost a bet to Tom in Cabo.
Now I owe him five meals.
There ... we're done.
That's it.
Why didn't you
just say that?
Th... there's no reason.
I don't...
What... was... the bet?
Phil, I mean it ...
don't say another word.
They're gonna
figure it out, Tom.
How could they
figure out, Phil?
They're gonna
figure it out.
We were drunk on margaritas,
and we wanted to find out
whose wife would eat
the most crickets.
What?
Doesn't seem like
they were circling that, Phil.
You were just
g-grabbing crickets
and sneaking them
into our food?
Not live ones.
They were roasted.
Oh, my God!
You're disgusting people.
You're missing
the silver lining here, honey.
I lost the bet.
So I didn't
eat crickets?
You ate three.
Ohh!
Lisa had six.
Six?
You could've won
with four!
Baby, baby,
I couldn't take that chance.
I'd like to give you two a
little something to think about.
Most of the food you eat
is prepared by us.
Or by our private chef.
But I-I like where you're going.
Next time you take a bite
of a big, juicy burger
or dig into
a bowl of spaghetti,
there's gonna be an extra
special ingredient in there,
and it won't be love.
Mm.
How many did you get
this time?
Two crickets.
Yes!
Okay,
this makes more sense.
Barbra would never
leave her gate wide open.
They're broken, okay?
Don't make me regret
bringing you here.
Hello?
Is Barbra home?
It's Ray Liotta.
You know,
from "Goodfellas."
"Something Wild."
"Field of Dreams."
Oh, I know who he is.
What's up, Ray?
Barbra,
I have some of your mail
from when you used to live
over at Cedarhurst.
And I have a friend here
that would like ...
Just leave the mail by the gate.
I'll send someone down.
O-Okay, but ...
Oy. There's more?
Uh, Ms. Streisand, hi. My ...
my name is Mitchell Pritchett,
and I have been a fan of yours
since I can't even remember,
and ... oh, your artistry
and integrity
has inspired me my whole life,
and I just ...
aaaah! I can't even believe
I'm talking to you right now.
Please. I'm just
a regular person, like you.
I have people put on my pants
one leg at a time.
that's so funny.
Barbra,
today is his birthday!
Well, technically,
it was three weeks ago.
All right,
you're blowing it.
Sorry.
You sound very sweet,
Mitchell.
I-I was thinking maybe as
a special treat, you could ...
I'm not singing
into my gate, Ray.
Well, it was very nice
to talk to you.
I did have
a quick question about ...
Goodbye.
It's fine.
When I tell the story,
it ends with her singing
"Happy Birthday."
Oh, shoot.
It's past 3:00.
What's wrong?
You late for dinner?
Jay.
Honey, it's okay.
If we leave now, we ...
No, no, I missed it.
What did you miss?
It's Fred and Ginger week
on TCM.
They're showing "Swing Time,"
and I forgot to record it.
Let me tell you about a little
innovation called Netflix.
You'll never miss
another movie again.
Really?
Hand to God.
You pick a film
on your computer.
Three days later,
there's a disk in your mailbox.
You got to stay up
with technology, Marty.
Wow. Thanks.
Can you believe he doesn't know
about streaming?
If I ever get
that out of touch, kill me.
Captions by VITAC :