Well, how do I look?
Big day.
I'm going to see Alex.
I'm, uh ... I'm a little nervous
because she's been
pulling away lately.
Calls don't get returned.
I don't get asked
to visit as much.
Maybe it's hitting me hard
'cause I never went through that
with my dad.
After my junior year,
we ... we rode a tandem bike
across Mykonos.
Come to think of it, there were
lots of fathers and sons there.
Phil, sit.
We need to talk about
the ducks.
We hate the ducks.
Again?
You have a problem.
I'm hearing
a lot of negatives,
but we're overlooking the fact
that Feathers can now fetch.
Honey, she pulled a wet
hot dog bun out of the sink,
and you said,
"Get the bun."
That doesn't count
as fetching.
Please tell me they're not gonna
live here forever.
You're really not the one
to make that argument.
Oh,
like you're not gonna
die of natural causes
in that bunk bed upstairs.
Look, we have provided them
with a good home.
When they're ready,
they'll leave. Could be any day.
Oh, and in the duck's defense,
Claire,
you can't stick your leg
out of your robe at breakfast
and then pretend
to hate the attention.
Um... why didn't you fight harder
about the ducks?
You heard what he said.
The ducks could leave
any day now.
Yeah, or it could be
two months from now.
Or any day now.
Or a month and a half fr...
How are you
not getting this?
Mitch called. He wants to know
when are you bringing
the air mattress
for Lily's sleepover.
You know, for a guy who refuses
to buy his own air mattresses,
he's pretty particular
about when they arrive.
No, no!
Don't eat my sauce.
Then I won't have enough to sell
at the farmers' market.
No.
Oh, geez.
Not the fat finger.
You always do this
when I put on a few.
I didn't say anything.
It's not what you say.
It's that damn lard
dipstick finger of yours.
It disappeared
up to the second knuckle.
Well, now that
that's over with,
I can finally share my latest
football-related problem.
Mitchell's right.
I should probably get a move on.
The team left me out of
the end-of-the-season prank.
You know,
that takes me back.
We told the school board
that coach Davis
was a Communist.
The man spent a weekend
in jail.
Simpler times.
Well, that's better than
what these meatheads cooked up.
They just parked
the principal's car
in the middle
of the basketball court.
That's not where cars go.
Why didn't those meatballs
include you?
They think
I'm a goody-two-shoes.
Mm.
I'm not.
Mm.
My own mother?
Ay, I'm just saying it wouldn't
kill you to break some rules.
You're a minor.
Take advantage of it.
I break the rules.
I just prefer to be suave,
do it with panache
and finesse.
Ay, those are
American shampoos. I know.
Y'all ready for this?
I got our sauce into
the granddaddy
of all holiday gift baskets.
Which one?
It's called Granddaddy's
holiday gift baskets.
Very exclusive.
They want 150 jars...
Yay!
By 6:00 tonight.
No! It's too much sauce
for too little time.
And anyways, I don't have
the key ingredient ...
the blood peppers.
And my cousin can't send me more
from Colombia until next week.
One spicy step
ahead of you.
Enter
the serrano pepper!
Chi-caw! No one
will know the difference.
I will. This sauce
is part of my heritage.
I cannot turn my back
on who I am.
Didn't your hair
used to be darker?
I'm just saying
this is a great opportunity
for our sauce.
"Our sauce"?
All of a sudden,
Cam is calling it "our sauce"?
I got that recipe
from my great aunt
who got it from her mother
who stole it from a blind maid.
How dare he.
Fine. We'll just go get
some blood peppers.
They're impossible to get.
Unless you're willing
to break some rules.
Why are we back on
your thing again?
They just so happen
to grow blood peppers
at the botanical gardens.
Great. Let's go.
You're adorable.
We're talking rare flora
in a secure location.
Okay, so,
then what do we do?
First, apologize
for calling me
a goody-goody,
because I'm about
to lay out a plan so daring
that the two of you may not have
the guts to follow it.
Should I take my knife?
I have my baseball bat
in my car.
Okay,
we're stealing a pepper,
not teaching
its family a lesson.
Uh, okay.
I noticed
a few of your professors
in those
mouth-controlled wheelchairs.
I think some of them are just
faking it to try and look cool.
Domo arigato,
Mr. Robotics lab! What?
Yeah. Come check out
these gloves. They're awesome.
Any movement,
even the slightest motion,
will be mirrored
by the robotic hands.
Possible applications
are bomb defusement,
nuclear reactor repair,
and remote neurosurgery.
What has two thumbs
and any lady robot he wants?
This guy.
Dad, this isn't a toy.
Hello,
my loyal robot subjects.
Dad?
Jazz hands!
The other robots
are staring!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
So, what's going on
at home?
Well, Haley and Luke
aren't around much.
Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome
and nobody gets it.
You wouldn't believe this,
but one of them can fetch.
Of course I believe it.
One of my professors
taught a chimpanzee
how to play the saxophone.
We all think he's great,
but he only plays jazz,
so there's no way to tell.
Oh.
Tell me about these fellas.
Well, this one's being developed
for the military.
Really? Wow.
Mm-hmm.
What about this adorable guy?
Hello, switch.
Oh, no!
Dad, don't press that.
Oh, he's just
going for a little walk.
Why would you do that?
The master switch!
The what?
No, no, no!
Oh, my God.
It's happening!
They're rising up!
Turn off!
I command you to turn off!
It's not working!
I'm on your side!
Why would you do that?
I don't know
what I was thinking!
I'm so sorry.
Great. Now the captain
of the football team hates me.
Okay, follow my plan
to the letter,
and in 10 minutes,
we'll have peppers in hand.
It's Saturday.
William will be working
the rose garden.
Fortunately,
he'll be distracted.
Right now, the aphids
have the upper hand.
Cam, when you reach
the stream,
follow it south southeast
to the hummingbird exhibit.
Interact with no one.
Excuse me.
Could you take this for us?
Oh, guess
I have a second.
Oh!
Took a picture of myself.
Oh, and now
it's your wallpaper. Uh...
Mom, to avoid detection,
take a circuitous route
to the Edmund and Miriam
Rabinowitz pepper patch.
Hey!
Take me
to the blood peppers.
I'll re-route
the senior citizens' tour...
You've already been this way.
You loved it.
so they're not around
when you arrive at the peppers.
Go away, boy.
Be on alert.
There may be added security.
Wow.
How exhilarating.
I didn't know there was
a caper in our sauce.
How could you?
It's not your recipe.
Hey, girls.
How about a snack?
Okay, okay. Sorry. Sorry.
Okay.
I'm hosting a sleepover
for Lily's Vietnamese
dance troupe.
We want her to be more in touch
with her heritage,
but breaking the ice
with the other parents
has been a little tough.
Cam and I are
the only white parents,
the only gay parents,
the only parents
that find us funny.
Hi. Come on in,
Patricia, Ms. Tran.
The girls
are in Lily's room.
Oh, this is
a fun coincidence.
We actually had a couple trans
over for dinner last ni...
The hardest nut to crack
has been
little Patricia Tran's mother.
I didn't try her homemade pho
at a potluck once,
and now she doesn't like me.
You could say it was a little
bit of a pho pa.
Hello.
Your husband?
My dad.
And I prefer brunettes
without beards. I like women.
I'll bring Patricia's medicine
over later.
My purse.
Mm-hmm.
She seems nice.
Yeah.
Hey, grandpa!
Hi, sweetheart!
Little tip ...
you might want the girls
to blow up these air mattresses,
tire them out a little bit.
Oh, I'm not trying
to tire them out.
No.
I'm the fun dad, okay?
I want them
to have a good time.
That's a rookie mistake.
When you and Claire
were kids,
I was the sleepover champ,
undefeated.
There was never a kid that was
awake later than 7:30.
Oh, no.
I remember my 10th birthday.
You let us wash your car,
and then we carried
the grandfather clock
to the dump.
Yeah, sun exposure
plays a big part.
What's this stuff?
Uh, mom, uh, mailed me
a bunch of stuff
from her garage.
She thought I might like a VCR
and a bunch of old tapes.
Sweet of Dede
to mail you her garbage.
"Jane Fonda Complete Workouts,"
"It's Not You, It's Him,"
"Cooking With Chocolate."
Pretty much the arc
of our whole marriage.
Listen, if you're smart,
you'll let the girls walk
this stuff down to Goodwill.
Or I could provide a fun,
entertaining evening
that will only enrich
my daughter's childhood.
Daddy, will you judge
our screaming contest?
Of course he will!
Hit it, girls!
Okay! You won. You all won.
It's a tie.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry about
what happened in there.
Don't worry about me,
but, you know,
those robots are programmed
to hold a grudge.
Not how I wanted
this to go.
Probably gonna be a while before
I get invited back here, huh?
Dad, it's okay.
You're probably going to be
seeing me a lot more,
considering I want
to move back home
and commute to school
next semester.
Wow. Really?
Yeah.
It's only a half-hour drive.
Are you mad?
Mad? Are you kidding me?
I'm thrilled.
You know
how much I miss you.
We could have our own robot lab
in the garage.
How much
could that possibly cost?
Well
But, uh ... but why?
Did something happen?
No, it's just ...
ugh, the people here
are all so immature.
They are always
banging on your door
with a beaker full
of margaritas, and...
The nerd noise
is deafening.
Did you bring those
noise-canceling headphones
I asked mom for?
Oh, I am so sorry.
I forgot.
Sometimes my brain cancels out
your mom's noise.
I'll, uh ...
I'll pick some up
while you're in class
and then drop them by the dorm.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Cannon Ball tonight.
Don't miss it.
Oh, no, no.
Thanks.
- What's that about?
- Excuse me.
Oh, it's just some
stupid tradition where,
at the end
of the semester,
all the freshmen jump off
a high dive
in cheesy prom dresses.
Oh, could be fun.
It definitely won't be.
Well, maybe if you
give it a chance...
No.
You know what, dad?
I-I-I did.
I've ... I've already been
to like 10 parties,
and they're all lame.
Everyone just talks
to their own dorm mate.
Sweetie, sometimes it takes
a while to warm up to people.
What is this about?
Do you not want me to come home?
Is that what this is?
Because fine.
I'll just go get an apartment
off campus.
Alex, don't get mad.
Well, I am mad.
Because I'm actually
smart enough
to know what's working for me
and what isn't,
and this isn't.
I have to go to class.
Heads up! Watch out!
How'd he do that?
Mitchell?
In the kitchen, grandpa!
Vietnamese girls
and a man in makeup.
When does Bob Hope
take the stage?
Delightful.
You're good to go
on the air mattresses.
Good luck
with the sleepover.
Yes, ma'am?
I don't want to be
the fun dad anymore.
I need to knock
these girls out quick.
Teach me.
Let's go, ladies!
Reach to the sky!
How are you better
at this than Jane Fonda?
Mitchell, you can't talk
and feel the burn
at the same time.
donkey-kick
like you mean it, Jennifer.
I'm just curious, because this
tape was on its way to Goodwill,
and all of a sudden, you pulled
it out of your back pocket.
I put on a couple
of extra pounds,
and Jane got me out of a similar
situation in the '80s.
Please tell me you were
wearing leg warmers.
Leave me alone.
Oh.
We got this, girls.
March it out.
Well, for whatever it's worth,
dad, I didn't notice.
Gloria did.
She did that little poke thing
to my spare tire.
Lily, keep the beat.
I hate to admit it, but it
bugged the hell out of me.
Kim-ly, we're punching
and we're stepping.
Care to join us?
So, I figured
I'd do this workout
every damn day
of the week
until I was nothing
but abs, buns, and thighs.
Work your glutes,
Tiffany!
This is
your problem area.
Okay, dad, no offense,
but I've been listening
to you whine about gaining
and losing the same 10 pounds
since, at age 60,
you married
the most beautiful woman
in the world.
And while I appreciate what
might be the rich-white-mannest
of rich-white-man
problems,
this tape is only energizing
these little girls.
This is boring.
Let's go and build a fort
in my room.
Okay.
So, what?
You're just gonna give up?
You got to know
when to surrender.
No, sir.
I'm not losing to the Vietnamese
twice in a lifetime.
Get up.
No man left behind.
Okay.
Look at this golf course.
It's a beautiful home
for ducks.
Okay, now, who's gonna
help me
set these little suckers free,
huh?
You do it.
I'm good.
Oh, come on.
We all hate the ducks.
We all want them gone.
Why do I have to be
the bad guy?
I don't know.
Why am I the pretty one?
We all have our thing.
Fine. Fine.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Get on out there.
There you go.
You're free. Okay.
Why aren't they
going anywhere?
Well,
Miss Thing over there
is still getting herself ready.
I swear
she spent all morning
looking at her reflection
in the water bowl.
How about that weirdo?
Did you see when
he got his bill stuck
in his cage yesterday?
What a sweet little dope.
I know. He's lucky
his sister is so smart.
You know, she figured out
how to unlatch the cage
and set him free.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Do you guys see
what's happening?
No.
Of course you don't.
The reason why your dad is
so attached to these ducks
is they remind him
of you guys.
We got to get them home.
They're gone.
Oh, my God.
Where are they?
Oh, God.
What the hell?
Does everyone get rid
of their ducks here?
Can't we just
pick any three?
Mnh-mnh. Your father will know
immediately.
Look. I think that might be
the dumb Luke duck.
The one entertaining the others?
His head is caught
in the Fritos bag.
Hey. Isn't that your duck?
Where?
The one pushing oats around with
its beak, pretending to eat.
All right. That's it.
Go get your ducks. Go.
What? No.
It is filthy and filmy.
And that's before
Luke even gets in it.
What's the point
in getting two ducks
if we don't have
the third one?
And how are we supposed to
find the Alex duck?
Wait until New Year's Eve
and see which one
stays home?
No. No. You're right.
We are not going home
without all three ducks.
Hang on.
Let's see if your dad was right.
Feather.
Feather. Fetch.
No way.
Don't just stand there.
Get your ducks.
I just spent a week's salary
on these shoes.
I'm not ... Oh, look at
those big brown eyes.
They take up half her face!
I'm coming, Princess!
Aah!
Pardon me.
Sorry. Have fun.
What's the most dangerous type
of uranium cake?
Yellow!
Hey.
What's going on?
Um, I found this inhaler.
Do you know whose it is?
There's only six people here
who don't use those.
They throw them in the air
at graduation.
All right.
Hey, did you bring
those headphones?
Yeah. Right here.
Thanks.
Hey, honey.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I think maybe being on
a college campus took me back,
and some of my own first-year
insecurities bubbled up.
I didn't know anybody,
and no matter
how hard I tried,
I was always on the outside.
And then suddenly, one day,
something clicked and I was in.
I mean, you never know.
I mean, just because
that happened to you,
doesn't mean that's ...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, that's ...
that's my point.
My story isn't your story.
As intimidating
as this place may be,
I've never seen you walk away
from a challenge.
If you tell me you've given it
your best shot,
then I know you have.
So don't be mad at me,
okay?
I'm not mad.
All right, kiddo.
Your mom and I will be back
next week to pack you up.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Bye.
Okay. Granddaddy's truck's
gonna be here in 84 minutes.
So, we're tightening,
we're stirring, we're chopping.
Bottle it up!
I can't.
I'm just too excited.
Oh, oh, you mean
the sauce in the ...
Got it. Yes. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Cam...
What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
You weren't supposed
to see these yet.
This is just a potential
label idea
that I-I had mocked up.
So...
But I am not even on it.
No, you are. Yes, you are.
See? You're the silhouette
right here
by the nutritional facts.
That way,
people are looking at you
and not the toxic amount
of sodium.
I have others, too.
You know, I have one
of us on a pepper rocket
on our way
to Flavor City.
You're in front of me,
and it's cute.
You know what? I don't think
this partnership is working.
What are you saying?
What am I saying?
This is family's sauce,
and you have already tried
to change the recipe.
You took a huge order
without even asking me.
And now this?
If I am going to Flavor City,
I am going by myself.
You're breaking up
with me?
When I first started dating Cam,
his ex-boyfriend
gave me a heads up.
He said, "Cam's a great guy,
but I hope you never have to
break up with him."
And I said,
"Why? Does he get angry,
weepy, jealous, despondent?"
He said, "yes."
You're breaking up
with me?
This business
was my idea.
I got you into
the farmers' market.
I got you into
those baskets.
You were nothing but a housewife
when I found you.
I didn't mean that.
I've always admired you.
Being a housewife is
the hardest job on the planet.
You're never not at work.
It's just ...
How did we get to this place?
Unless...
There's someone else,
isn't there?
Oh, wow.
How could I be so blind?
Let me guess ... somebody
with more experience?
Somebody Colombian?
Well,
you're no picnic, either.
So, who is it?
Hmm?
Say something!
I've seen my mom break up
with a lot of guys.
She has this weird power
to get them to do all the work.
One minute, they're a mess.
The next, they're thanking her
for the best year
of their lives.
The last guy helped us
move into Jay's house.
You knew.
You knew I needed
the motivation
to create my own sauce.
You knew all along.
You're welcome, Cam.
And don't worry.
I know that one day,
you're gonna have your sauce
in Granddaddy's basket.
Well,
that paints a picture.
Now, see, there's lots of stuff
here to tire the kids out.
Look ... bricks for carrying,
shovels for digging.
Shovels.
When did we get shovels?
Okay, well,
whatever you're doing,
can you do it someplace else?
I'm helping Gloria bottle
her sauce,
and we're
running out of time.
Ay, Cam.
I think it's too late.
I don't think we have
enough time to finish.
You might.
Oh, Ms. Tran.
Is that Patricia's medicine?
Pick up the pace, ladies!
Come on! We've only got
20 minutes!
Trust me. This is
slightly better than it looks.
My fingers hurt.
Hey, honey, what did I say
about talking on the line?
Okay. Let's just get these ducks
back into the garage
as fast as we can,
and please be quiet.
I don't want
your father to hear us.
Hello.
Oh, uh...
I got home early and noticed
the six of you
had... ducked out.
Well, we know how much
you love the ducks,
and ... and we wanted
to play with them, too.
And we ...
And what, Claire?
The craziest thing
happened?
You turned a hard corner,
the cage banged open,
one of them hit
the sunroof button,
and out they flew, leaving us
with nothing but an empty ...
I interrupted you.
Go on.
We have not always
loved the ducks, Phil,
but I think
we're starting to get it.
Yeah. We want them to stay.
We know why you love them.
Thank you.
I always knew it was
only a matter of time
before these little scamps
waddled into your hearts
just like they did mine.
Now, come on. Help me throw them
out the window.
Dad, what are you doing?
It is time for them to go.
But, honey, are you sure
they can even fly?
According to the Internet,
they were ready a month ago.
At breakfast, you were
giving them shoulder rubs.
What happened?
I realized today
that I may have been
holding them back
because that was fun
for me.
But in the end, you got to let
them spread their wings, right?
Whoo! Let's go!
GIRL #2: All right, Alex!
All right, Alex! Go!
All right, guys.
Let's do this.
One, two...
Come visit us!
Make good choices!
In many ways,
you fetched me!
You caught me.
I know
they're not coming back.
Mm, sometimes they do.
Hello?
Hey, Alex.
What's going on,
sweetheart?
Yeah?
"Once the lower spring hinge
is secured,
you can then attach
the closet door."
They're all sleeping, Mitch.
Not bad.
7:45. Room for improvement.
Well, it looks like
I'm still undefeated.
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