1
00:00:02,978 --> 00:00:05,020
Huh.

2
00:00:06,395 --> 00:00:08,395
My super-awesome family

3
00:00:08,395 --> 00:00:11,311
was throwing me

4
00:00:08,395 --> 00:00:11,311
a surprise early birthday party.

5
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,228
I'm guess

6
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,228
I'm the only one at home.

7
00:00:13,228 --> 00:00:14,520
How could you do this?

8
00:00:13,228 --> 00:00:14,520
Dad!

9
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,645
You were supposed

10
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,645
to be my hero!

11
00:00:15,645 --> 00:00:17,103
You let me down!

12
00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:19,728
Or I forgot

13
00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:19,728
to meet the electrician today

14
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:21,686
to fix our faulty junction box.

15
00:00:22,978 --> 00:00:24,811
Guys, I'm not gonna

16
00:00:22,978 --> 00:00:24,811
make excuses.

17
00:00:24,811 --> 00:00:26,436
I've been really busy

18
00:00:24,811 --> 00:00:26,436
at work.

19
00:00:26,436 --> 00:00:28,228
Well, I was halfway through

20
00:00:26,436 --> 00:00:28,228
straightening my hair.

21
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,561
And I was in the middle

22
00:00:29,561 --> 00:00:30,853
of doing three weeks' worth

23
00:00:29,561 --> 00:00:30,853
of laundry.

24
00:00:30,853 --> 00:00:32,645
And I was actually

25
00:00:30,853 --> 00:00:32,645
writing a term paper

26
00:00:32,645 --> 00:00:35,145
right when the lights went out,

27
00:00:32,645 --> 00:00:35,145
and... what?

28
00:00:35,145 --> 00:00:36,478
This isn't soda.

29
00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:38,061
Okay, before you guys

30
00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:38,061
say anything,

31
00:00:38,061 --> 00:00:39,561
I only put this on because

32
00:00:38,061 --> 00:00:39,561
I didn't have anything ...

33
00:00:41,853 --> 00:00:43,186
Aah!

34
00:00:43,186 --> 00:00:45,311
Well, the problem

35
00:00:43,186 --> 00:00:45,311
obviously self-corrected,

36
00:00:45,311 --> 00:00:46,978
which I knew it would.

37
00:00:46,978 --> 00:00:49,311
Well, I fixed it.

38
00:00:46,978 --> 00:00:49,311
Yeah, mom called a guy.

39
00:00:49,311 --> 00:00:51,811
Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry.

40
00:00:49,311 --> 00:00:51,811
I got busy at work, and ...

41
00:00:51,811 --> 00:00:53,436
Oh, honey,

42
00:00:51,811 --> 00:00:53,436
don't even worry about it.

43
00:00:53,436 --> 00:00:55,603
Mwah. I'm just glad

44
00:00:53,436 --> 00:00:55,603
the fridge is up and running.

45
00:00:55,603 --> 00:00:57,895
I pre-packed

46
00:00:55,603 --> 00:00:57,895
all the lunches for tomorrow.

47
00:00:57,895 --> 00:01:00,645
I didn't want the Brie

48
00:00:57,895 --> 00:01:00,645
on the sandwiches to get runny.

49
00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:01,561
Brie?

50
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,645
Don't tell me any more.

51
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,186
I live

52
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,186
for the surprise.

53
00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:05,853
Hey, Mom, I know you're

54
00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:05,853
really busy at work, but ...

55
00:01:05,853 --> 00:01:08,270
Sweetheart, I would never

56
00:01:05,853 --> 00:01:08,270
use that as an excuse.

57
00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:09,603
What do you need?

58
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,770
The cupcakes

59
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,770
for the bake sale.

60
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,770
Okay.

61
00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,020
Oh, and since

62
00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,020
we got stuck here,

63
00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:13,395
I couldn't go out and get

64
00:01:13,395 --> 00:01:14,686
that birthday present

65
00:01:13,395 --> 00:01:14,686
for my roommate.

66
00:01:14,686 --> 00:01:15,895
Or my dress

67
00:01:14,686 --> 00:01:15,895
from the dry cleaners.

68
00:01:15,895 --> 00:01:17,770
Done, done, and done.

69
00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:20,686
We have the best mom ever.

70
00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:20,686
Hugs!

71
00:01:20,686 --> 00:01:22,270
Okay. Aww.

72
00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:23,936
Wait, wait, guys.

73
00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:23,936
Guys, Dad's here.

74
00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:23,936
Oh.

75
00:01:23,936 --> 00:01:26,561
Dad, take a photo

76
00:01:23,936 --> 00:01:26,561
of us hugging Mom.

77
00:01:26,561 --> 00:01:28,145
Until now, when I'd

78
00:01:26,561 --> 00:01:28,145
screw up on the home front,

79
00:01:28,145 --> 00:01:29,770
I could always blame work,

80
00:01:29,770 --> 00:01:31,020
but with Claire

81
00:01:29,770 --> 00:01:31,020
running a company

82
00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:32,311
and being a better mom

83
00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:32,311
than ever,

84
00:01:32,311 --> 00:01:33,645
I could feel

85
00:01:32,311 --> 00:01:33,645
the kids downgrading

86
00:01:33,645 --> 00:01:34,978
their whole opinion of me.

87
00:01:34,978 --> 00:01:37,311
I went from an "A" dad

88
00:01:34,978 --> 00:01:37,311
to an "F" dad.

89
00:01:37,311 --> 00:01:41,895
Fail Dunphy.

90
00:01:37,311 --> 00:01:41,895
Phil Dun-fail.

91
00:01:41,895 --> 00:01:46,436
Failip Hum-fail Dun...

92
00:01:41,895 --> 00:01:46,436
No, I had it before.

93
00:01:46,436 --> 00:01:47,311
Say "Brie."

94
00:01:47,311 --> 00:01:48,811
Brie!

95
00:01:48,811 --> 00:01:50,228
Hey, you know what?

96
00:01:50,228 --> 00:01:52,061
I could do

97
00:01:50,228 --> 00:01:52,061
some of that kid stuff tomorrow.

98
00:01:52,061 --> 00:01:53,978
You've got

99
00:01:52,061 --> 00:01:53,978
that open house.

100
00:01:53,978 --> 00:01:56,728
Honey, I've been juggling

101
00:01:53,978 --> 00:01:56,728
work and family for 22 years

102
00:01:56,728 --> 00:01:58,270
and just juggling for 30.

103
00:01:58,270 --> 00:02:00,145
Well, I really need that dress

104
00:01:58,270 --> 00:02:00,145
for an event, so ...

105
00:02:00,145 --> 00:02:01,395
I got it.

106
00:02:01,395 --> 00:02:03,311
Agenda for tomorrow ...

107
00:02:01,395 --> 00:02:03,311
One dress,

108
00:02:03,311 --> 00:02:07,186
one set of cupcakes,

109
00:02:03,311 --> 00:02:07,186
one present, and that's it.

110
00:02:07,186 --> 00:02:08,936
I got ya!

111
00:02:07,186 --> 00:02:08,936
You thought I forgot.

112
00:02:08,936 --> 00:02:12,436
I will be here to meet the alarm

113
00:02:08,936 --> 00:02:12,436
company at precisely 3:40...

114
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,395
earlier today.

115
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,395
Oh.

116
00:02:31,103 --> 00:02:33,186
You didn't make enough noise

117
00:02:31,103 --> 00:02:33,186
last night?

118
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:35,853
With all his crying,

119
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:35,853
I didn't sleep four hours.

120
00:02:35,853 --> 00:02:37,145
I didn't close my eyes.

121
00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:38,561
It was like

122
00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:38,561
being back in my village,

123
00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:39,978
watching for

124
00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:39,978
the marauders.

125
00:02:39,978 --> 00:02:41,561
I don't know

126
00:02:39,978 --> 00:02:41,561
what's more shocking ...

127
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:43,061
you standing watch

128
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:43,061
or knowing the word "marauders."

129
00:02:43,061 --> 00:02:44,936
Please tell me

130
00:02:43,061 --> 00:02:44,936
I didn't sob all night

131
00:02:44,936 --> 00:02:46,686
just 'cause I lost

132
00:02:44,936 --> 00:02:46,686
my baby blanket.

133
00:02:46,686 --> 00:02:48,686
Shh! Don't remind him.

134
00:02:46,686 --> 00:02:48,686
He's happy now.

135
00:02:48,686 --> 00:02:50,728
And besides,

136
00:02:48,686 --> 00:02:50,728
you didn't even have a blanket.

137
00:02:50,728 --> 00:02:52,311
We were

138
00:02:50,728 --> 00:02:52,311
basically destitute.

139
00:02:52,311 --> 00:02:53,645
What, did you get hit

140
00:02:52,311 --> 00:02:53,645
by lightning?

141
00:02:53,645 --> 00:02:55,686
Thank God that

142
00:02:53,645 --> 00:02:55,686
Joe has a playdate.

143
00:02:55,686 --> 00:02:56,978
Vicky's picking us up.

144
00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:58,978
I'm gonna make him

145
00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:58,978
play so hard

146
00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:01,061
that he's gonna pass out

147
00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:01,061
tonight.

148
00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,728
Well, I've got a playdate

149
00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,728
with Johnnie Walker,

150
00:03:02,728 --> 00:03:04,603
so one of us

151
00:03:02,728 --> 00:03:04,603
is passing out tonight.

152
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:07,395
Yeah, I know

153
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:07,395
we're out of dog food.

154
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,811
I'll pick some up

155
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,811
after golf.

156
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,770
She could lose

157
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,770
a couple of pounds, anyways.

158
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:11,978
Thank God

159
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:11,978
you don't have a daughter.

160
00:03:13,728 --> 00:03:16,020
The minute

161
00:03:13,728 --> 00:03:16,020
that kid falls asleep,

162
00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:18,353
that plane

163
00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:18,353
goes Amelia Earhart.

164
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,936
Doesn't this seem

165
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,936
a little chintzy?

166
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:23,395
Yeah, can we go now?

167
00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:25,103
No, we haven't said hello

168
00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:25,103
to the grooms ...

169
00:03:25,103 --> 00:03:27,811
or the talented people

170
00:03:25,103 --> 00:03:27,811
who planned this wedding.

171
00:03:27,811 --> 00:03:29,978
Another great Pepper Saltzman

172
00:03:27,811 --> 00:03:29,978
production, guys.

173
00:03:29,978 --> 00:03:33,728
Oh, please. What's tackier

174
00:03:29,978 --> 00:03:33,728
than a Friday lunch wedding?

175
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:36,936
Table five

176
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:36,936
needs more... ketchup.

177
00:03:36,936 --> 00:03:38,561
I have to hide my face

178
00:03:36,936 --> 00:03:38,561
with a coat

179
00:03:38,561 --> 00:03:40,436
every time the videographer

180
00:03:38,561 --> 00:03:40,436
comes around.

181
00:03:40,436 --> 00:03:41,811
In the old days,

182
00:03:41,811 --> 00:03:43,228
he'd never taken

183
00:03:41,811 --> 00:03:43,228
a cheap job like this,

184
00:03:43,228 --> 00:03:45,520
but the gay-wedding business

185
00:03:43,228 --> 00:03:45,520
is drying up.

186
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,311
We do the bargain ones

187
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,311
as Sherman Saltzman Events,

188
00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:50,978
and I haven't

189
00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:50,978
been Sherman

190
00:03:50,978 --> 00:03:53,645
since I got on that bus

191
00:03:50,978 --> 00:03:53,645
in Lubbock 35 years ago.

192
00:03:53,645 --> 00:03:55,895
We've only booked two others

193
00:03:53,645 --> 00:03:55,895
in months ...

194
00:03:55,895 --> 00:03:57,353
Adam and Michael

195
00:03:55,895 --> 00:03:57,353
last weekend

196
00:03:57,353 --> 00:03:59,728
and Felix and Jordan

197
00:03:57,353 --> 00:03:59,728
next Monday.

198
00:03:59,728 --> 00:04:01,603
Ugh. Monday.

199
00:04:01,603 --> 00:04:03,228
Oh, away, you vulture.

200
00:04:04,436 --> 00:04:05,811
Cam, do you think

201
00:04:04,436 --> 00:04:05,811
it's a little weird ...

202
00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:07,561
That we weren't invited

203
00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:07,561
to Adam and Michael's

204
00:04:07,561 --> 00:04:09,353
or Felix and Jordan's?

205
00:04:07,561 --> 00:04:09,353
Yes. Totally weird.

206
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:10,895
Okay, sweetie,

207
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:10,895
here's the kids table.

208
00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:13,353
Where is our table?

209
00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:13,353
There are no more tables.

210
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,270
Oh, my God.

211
00:04:15,270 --> 00:04:17,270
That's us.

212
00:04:15,270 --> 00:04:17,270
Number 65.

213
00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:18,645
Where are our friends?

214
00:04:18,645 --> 00:04:20,061
Not here.

215
00:04:20,061 --> 00:04:21,936
Are we on some sort

216
00:04:20,061 --> 00:04:21,936
of gay blacklist?

217
00:04:23,853 --> 00:04:26,145
I'm not sitting there.

218
00:04:23,853 --> 00:04:26,145
You're sitting there.

219
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,770
Hello?

220
00:04:28,770 --> 00:04:29,895
Hey, honey.

221
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,520
Oh, cupcakes,

222
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,520
present, dress.

223
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,895
I remember.

224
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,895
I'm gonna get on that

225
00:04:32,895 --> 00:04:34,520
just as soon as I'm done

226
00:04:32,895 --> 00:04:34,520
with my open house.

227
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,645
I just wanted to clarify,

228
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,645
where am I getting the present?

229
00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:37,853
Uh, hang on, Phil.

230
00:04:37,853 --> 00:04:39,686
I'm in the middle

231
00:04:37,853 --> 00:04:39,686
of something.

232
00:04:39,686 --> 00:04:42,270
Um, uh, just one second.

233
00:04:42,270 --> 00:04:45,728
I'm ... It's at the Best Buy.

234
00:04:42,270 --> 00:04:45,728
Ask for S-Sean ... Stan.

235
00:04:45,728 --> 00:04:46,603
It's under "Dunphy."

236
00:04:46,603 --> 00:04:47,728
Thanks, honey.

237
00:04:47,728 --> 00:04:48,770
I don't know

238
00:04:47,728 --> 00:04:48,770
how you do it all.

239
00:04:48,770 --> 00:04:50,478
Love you.

240
00:04:50,478 --> 00:04:52,186
That's a "T"?

241
00:04:52,186 --> 00:04:54,770
They say it takes a village

242
00:04:52,186 --> 00:04:54,770
to raise a family

243
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,353
and run a company.

244
00:04:56,353 --> 00:04:57,728
Turns out, it just takes

245
00:04:57,728 --> 00:05:00,020
one little suck-up

246
00:04:57,728 --> 00:05:00,020
from marketing named Ben.

247
00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:01,853
Oh, Claire,

248
00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:01,853
I don't know if you heard.

249
00:05:01,853 --> 00:05:03,853
They moved the Kramer meeting

250
00:05:01,853 --> 00:05:03,853
back to 5:00.

251
00:05:03,853 --> 00:05:04,978
No.

252
00:05:03,853 --> 00:05:04,978
Yeah.

253
00:05:04,978 --> 00:05:05,853
No, I-I have

254
00:05:04,978 --> 00:05:05,853
to make a lasagna

255
00:05:05,853 --> 00:05:07,228
for Luke's team dinner,

256
00:05:07,228 --> 00:05:08,686
but I can't

257
00:05:07,228 --> 00:05:08,686
miss that meeting.

258
00:05:07,228 --> 00:05:08,686
Oh.

259
00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:09,853
You know,

260
00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:09,853
I know my way around a kitchen.

261
00:05:09,853 --> 00:05:11,395
My mom's an alcoholic.

262
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,061
So I could easily knock out

263
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,061
a lasagna for you.

264
00:05:13,061 --> 00:05:15,561
Ben, you are a lifesaver.

265
00:05:13,061 --> 00:05:15,561
Thanks.

266
00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:17,895
Wow. I promise

267
00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:17,895
I will not make a habit of it.

268
00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:20,020
I kind of made a habit of it.

269
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:20,936
Calm down.

270
00:05:20,936 --> 00:05:22,686
We only cut two classes,

271
00:05:22,686 --> 00:05:25,686
and I'll send an excuse e-mail

272
00:05:22,686 --> 00:05:25,686
from your mom's computer.

273
00:05:25,686 --> 00:05:27,186
I can't believe

274
00:05:25,686 --> 00:05:27,186
I agreed to ditch with you

275
00:05:27,186 --> 00:05:29,311
just 'cause you gave me

276
00:05:27,186 --> 00:05:29,311
half your Brie sandwich.

277
00:05:29,311 --> 00:05:30,978
Although

278
00:05:29,311 --> 00:05:30,978
that party-crashing apple slice

279
00:05:30,978 --> 00:05:32,770
turned out to be

280
00:05:30,978 --> 00:05:32,770
a welcome plus-one.

281
00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:34,645
So we can

282
00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:34,645
make it official now.

283
00:05:34,645 --> 00:05:35,978
I have three gay uncles.

284
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:38,978
Yeah,

285
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:38,978
I'm ... I'm sorry, Miles.

286
00:05:38,978 --> 00:05:40,353
No, apologize to the guys.

287
00:05:40,353 --> 00:05:42,270
It's just,

288
00:05:40,353 --> 00:05:42,270
I'm too tired to play golf.

289
00:05:43,936 --> 00:05:45,478
Damn it! The dog food!

290
00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:52,061
Ah.

291
00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:54,270
Stella,

292
00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:54,270
this is your lucky day.

293
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,103
Gloria makes

294
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,103
this Colombian dish

295
00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:57,978
I loved

296
00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:57,978
when we were first dating.

297
00:05:59,561 --> 00:06:01,686
I lied about a lot of things

298
00:05:59,561 --> 00:06:01,686
back then.

299
00:06:06,395 --> 00:06:07,936
What the hell

300
00:06:06,395 --> 00:06:07,936
are you doing?

301
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:11,353
That takes me three days!

302
00:06:11,353 --> 00:06:13,186
Three days to prepare!

303
00:06:13,186 --> 00:06:14,728
And then

304
00:06:13,186 --> 00:06:14,728
you say that you love it,

305
00:06:14,728 --> 00:06:16,561
and you feed it

306
00:06:14,728 --> 00:06:16,561
to the dog?

307
00:06:16,561 --> 00:06:19,645
What else have you been lying

308
00:06:16,561 --> 00:06:19,645
about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?

309
00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:24,645
No Daddy kisses till Sunday

310
00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:24,645
after she eats this.

311
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:25,811
Sorry, Vicky.

312
00:06:25,811 --> 00:06:27,811
We have to cancel

313
00:06:25,811 --> 00:06:27,811
the playdate.

314
00:06:27,811 --> 00:06:30,978
Joe fell asleep in the car,

315
00:06:27,811 --> 00:06:30,978
and I don't want to wake him up.

316
00:06:30,978 --> 00:06:32,686
Okay.

317
00:06:32,686 --> 00:06:34,353
Thank God that

318
00:06:32,686 --> 00:06:34,353
Jay was out playing golf.

319
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,561
The last time that I left Joe

320
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,561
sleeping in the car...

321
00:06:36,561 --> 00:06:37,770
Honey, where's Joe?

322
00:06:37,770 --> 00:06:39,020
Sleeping in the car.

323
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,228
Are you crazy?

324
00:06:40,228 --> 00:06:42,061
You don't leave a kid

325
00:06:40,228 --> 00:06:42,061
in the car!

326
00:06:42,061 --> 00:06:44,686
Why don't you just put a sign on

327
00:06:42,061 --> 00:06:44,686
him saying "free coyote food"?

328
00:06:44,686 --> 00:06:46,895
I have never seen anyone so mad.

329
00:06:46,895 --> 00:06:49,686
Even the marauders, you could

330
00:06:46,895 --> 00:06:49,686
have a conversation with.

331
00:06:49,686 --> 00:06:51,395
"Family emergency.

332
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:54,020
Blah, blah, blah.

333
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:54,020
Gloria Pritchett."

334
00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:55,395
And send.

335
00:06:55,395 --> 00:06:56,895
I hate

336
00:06:55,395 --> 00:06:56,895
that I have to ask this,

337
00:06:56,895 --> 00:06:58,853
but you didn't type

338
00:06:56,895 --> 00:06:58,853
"Blah, blah, blah," did you?

339
00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:00,436
You need to chill...

340
00:07:00,436 --> 00:07:01,853
like my girlfriend here.

341
00:07:04,686 --> 00:07:06,228
Nah, I can't enjoy that.

342
00:07:06,228 --> 00:07:07,895
I just keep thinking about

343
00:07:06,228 --> 00:07:07,895
that girl's father.

344
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,853
Could you please just get that

345
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,853
off my mom's computer?

346
00:07:09,853 --> 00:07:12,270
Okay. That was your reward

347
00:07:09,853 --> 00:07:12,270
for ditching,

348
00:07:12,270 --> 00:07:13,728
but if you

349
00:07:12,270 --> 00:07:13,728
don't want to...

350
00:07:13,728 --> 00:07:15,186
Uh-oh.

351
00:07:15,186 --> 00:07:16,228
What "uh-oh"?

352
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:18,061
Uh, it's frozen.

353
00:07:18,061 --> 00:07:19,353
What?

354
00:07:19,353 --> 00:07:20,186
Oh, my God.

355
00:07:20,186 --> 00:07:21,145
It froze on that?

356
00:07:21,145 --> 00:07:23,645
Hey.

357
00:07:21,145 --> 00:07:23,645
"That" has a name.

358
00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:26,061
Here, Stella.

359
00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:26,061
Come and get it, girl.

360
00:07:26,061 --> 00:07:28,061
Jay, is that you?

361
00:07:28,061 --> 00:07:29,520
Yep.

362
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,770
Damn it.

363
00:07:30,770 --> 00:07:31,686
Damn it.

364
00:07:31,686 --> 00:07:33,103
Damn it!

365
00:07:31,686 --> 00:07:33,103
Damn it!

366
00:07:37,770 --> 00:07:39,103
I didn't hear you come in.

367
00:07:37,770 --> 00:07:39,103
That's good.

368
00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:42,353
Uh ... Oh, how come

369
00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:42,353
you're home so early?

370
00:07:42,353 --> 00:07:43,561
Too tired for golf.

371
00:07:43,561 --> 00:07:44,395
Ah.

372
00:07:43,561 --> 00:07:44,395
Where's Joe?

373
00:07:44,395 --> 00:07:45,561
Upstairs.

374
00:07:44,395 --> 00:07:45,561
Ah.

375
00:07:45,561 --> 00:07:47,561
I finally

376
00:07:45,561 --> 00:07:47,561
got him to sleep.

377
00:07:48,728 --> 00:07:50,311
She wants to get out.

378
00:07:50,311 --> 00:07:51,353
I'll take her.

379
00:07:50,311 --> 00:07:51,353
No, no, no.

380
00:07:50,311 --> 00:07:51,353
You stay here.

381
00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,061
I'll do it.

382
00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,061
No, you can't.

383
00:07:53,061 --> 00:07:56,186
I mean, w-we rarely

384
00:07:53,061 --> 00:07:56,186
get times like this anymore.

385
00:07:56,186 --> 00:07:59,145
Joe's sleeping,

386
00:07:56,186 --> 00:07:59,145
Manny is at school.

387
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,395
Why don't we

388
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,395
go upstairs and ...

389
00:08:00,395 --> 00:08:01,270
Take a nap.

390
00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:03,103
Exactly!

391
00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:04,561
My mom got picked up

392
00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:04,561
by a friend.

393
00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:05,936
We can take her car

394
00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:05,936
to the computer store

395
00:08:05,936 --> 00:08:07,645
and be back

396
00:08:05,936 --> 00:08:07,645
before she gets home.

397
00:08:07,645 --> 00:08:11,020
Wow. She left the windows down

398
00:08:07,645 --> 00:08:11,020
and the lights on.

399
00:08:11,020 --> 00:08:13,436
Sometimes,

400
00:08:11,020 --> 00:08:13,436
she is so oblivious.

401
00:08:19,645 --> 00:08:22,520
All I had to do was wait

402
00:08:19,645 --> 00:08:22,520
for Jay to fall asleep.

403
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,520
Genius.

404
00:08:26,353 --> 00:08:29,311
She'd be snoring in minutes.

405
00:08:26,353 --> 00:08:29,311
Piece of cake.

406
00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:35,895
We are so far away

407
00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:35,895
from everything.

408
00:08:35,895 --> 00:08:38,228
During the last toast,

409
00:08:35,895 --> 00:08:38,228
I saw them clink the glasses

410
00:08:38,228 --> 00:08:40,061
before the sound

411
00:08:38,228 --> 00:08:40,061
actually reached us.

412
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,228
Snubbed at this wedding,

413
00:08:41,228 --> 00:08:42,603
not invited

414
00:08:41,228 --> 00:08:42,603
to two others ...

415
00:08:42,603 --> 00:08:44,478
what could you

416
00:08:42,603 --> 00:08:44,478
have possibly done?

417
00:08:44,478 --> 00:08:47,311
(dishes rattling,

418
00:08:44,478 --> 00:08:47,311
toilet flushes)

419
00:08:44,478 --> 00:08:47,311
Um...

420
00:08:47,311 --> 00:08:49,228
Sorry. I said I would

421
00:08:47,311 --> 00:08:49,228
switch with you at dessert.

422
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:50,770
Oh, Pepper. Pepper.

423
00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:52,145
Do you

424
00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:52,145
have any idea why ...

425
00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:52,145
Oh, sorry.

426
00:08:52,145 --> 00:08:54,020
I'm in a mad rush

427
00:08:52,145 --> 00:08:54,020
to the mashed-potato bar

428
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:57,145
to restock something

429
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:57,145
called... fixin's.

430
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,686
If you

431
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,686
ever felt anything for me,

432
00:08:59,686 --> 00:09:01,770
you'll push me

433
00:08:59,686 --> 00:09:01,770
out a window.

434
00:09:01,770 --> 00:09:04,061
You know, Mitchell,

435
00:09:01,770 --> 00:09:04,061
m-maybe it's ...

436
00:09:04,061 --> 00:09:05,395
Shh! Shh, shh, shh!

437
00:09:05,395 --> 00:09:06,686
Look. I can't

438
00:09:05,395 --> 00:09:06,686
have this fight again.

439
00:09:06,686 --> 00:09:07,728
I saw you ogling him.

440
00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:09,061
Hey,

441
00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:09,061
as far as I'm concerned,

442
00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:10,436
we never have

443
00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:10,436
to have this fight again.

444
00:09:10,436 --> 00:09:11,728
Mitchell, stop it.

445
00:09:11,728 --> 00:09:12,561
Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm?

446
00:09:11,728 --> 00:09:12,561
Eavesdropping?

447
00:09:12,561 --> 00:09:13,395
Trolling for business?

448
00:09:13,395 --> 00:09:14,728
You've been doing it

449
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:15,811
ever since you started

450
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:15,811
handling gay divorce.

451
00:09:15,811 --> 00:09:16,811
It's kind of ghoulish.

452
00:09:16,811 --> 00:09:18,228
Ghoulish?

453
00:09:16,811 --> 00:09:18,228
Yes.

454
00:09:18,228 --> 00:09:20,103
I'll bet that's why

455
00:09:18,228 --> 00:09:20,103
nobody wants us around.

456
00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:23,520
That's it. You're like the

457
00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:23,520
Angel of Death of gay marriage.

458
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,186
You're like a cat

459
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,186
at an old-folks' home

460
00:09:25,186 --> 00:09:26,770
who curls up

461
00:09:25,186 --> 00:09:26,770
next to somebody about to die.

462
00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:28,603
They're judging me?

463
00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:30,395
Felix and Jordan sell fur.

464
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,395
Sorry. We couldn't help

465
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,395
overhearing you overhearing us.

466
00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:33,853
Some friends of ours

467
00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:33,853
are breaking up,

468
00:09:33,853 --> 00:09:34,936
and they need

469
00:09:33,853 --> 00:09:34,936
a good divorce lawyer.

470
00:09:34,936 --> 00:09:36,103
Do you have a card?

471
00:09:34,936 --> 00:09:36,103
Oh.

472
00:09:36,103 --> 00:09:37,728
We couldn't help

473
00:09:36,103 --> 00:09:37,728
overhearing you

474
00:09:37,728 --> 00:09:39,353
talking about you overhearing

475
00:09:37,728 --> 00:09:39,353
you overhearing you.

476
00:09:39,353 --> 00:09:41,645
Are you really doing

477
00:09:39,353 --> 00:09:41,645
gay divorces now?

478
00:09:39,353 --> 00:09:41,645
We had no idea.

479
00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:43,270
I was just overhearing

480
00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:43,270
you guys overhearing ...

481
00:09:43,270 --> 00:09:45,603
Good Lord, it's like a game

482
00:09:43,270 --> 00:09:45,603
of princess telephone.

483
00:09:45,603 --> 00:09:48,520
Here is my card,

484
00:09:45,603 --> 00:09:48,520
and just to be clear,

485
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,478
none of you knew

486
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,478
I was doing gay divorces?

487
00:09:50,478 --> 00:09:52,270
Oh, interesting.

488
00:09:52,270 --> 00:09:53,936
That's very interesting.

489
00:09:52,270 --> 00:09:53,936
Have a good time at the wedding.

490
00:09:53,936 --> 00:09:55,270
Bye, Jotham.

491
00:09:53,936 --> 00:09:55,270
Thank you so much.

492
00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:57,020
Well, how about

493
00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:57,020
this ghoulish profession

494
00:09:57,020 --> 00:09:59,353
that no one seems to have

495
00:09:57,020 --> 00:09:59,353
a problem with except for you?

496
00:09:59,353 --> 00:10:02,353
Look, I'm sorry, but you've

497
00:09:59,353 --> 00:10:02,353
always been a little cynical,

498
00:10:02,353 --> 00:10:05,520
and I was worried you seeing

499
00:10:02,353 --> 00:10:05,520
all these marriages collapse

500
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,103
would push you further

501
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,103
in that direction.

502
00:10:07,103 --> 00:10:08,395
No, no,

503
00:10:07,103 --> 00:10:08,395
it's the opposite.

504
00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:10,103
Being around

505
00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:10,103
all these unhappy couples

506
00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:12,145
makes me even more grateful

507
00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:12,145
for what we have.

508
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,853
Aww. That's so sweet.

509
00:10:13,853 --> 00:10:15,978
Are ... are you sure

510
00:10:13,853 --> 00:10:15,978
that's not the cash bar talking?

511
00:10:15,978 --> 00:10:17,645
Of course not.

512
00:10:17,645 --> 00:10:19,311
You're the best thing

513
00:10:17,645 --> 00:10:19,311
that has ever happened to me.

514
00:10:19,311 --> 00:10:20,770
Aww.

515
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:21,811
And you're the best thing

516
00:10:21,811 --> 00:10:22,811
that's ever happened

517
00:10:21,811 --> 00:10:22,811
to me.

518
00:10:22,811 --> 00:10:24,353
Oh, Cam.

519
00:10:24,353 --> 00:10:26,270
Maybe this

520
00:10:24,353 --> 00:10:26,270
is why nobody wants us around

521
00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:27,853
is because we cause

522
00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:27,853
an emotional scene

523
00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:27,853
everywhere we go.

524
00:10:27,853 --> 00:10:29,561
I'm sorry.

525
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,353
I'll never be

526
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,353
the son he wants.

527
00:10:31,353 --> 00:10:34,270
What's to become of us?

528
00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,811
Well, now I'm stumped.

529
00:10:38,811 --> 00:10:40,811
Yep.

530
00:10:38,811 --> 00:10:40,811
That refrigerates stuff.

531
00:10:40,811 --> 00:10:41,853
All of them do.

532
00:10:41,853 --> 00:10:43,520
But you know the saying ...

533
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,645
All good open houses must come

534
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,645
to an end by 2:00 on the dot.

535
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,270
Oh, but my mom's

536
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,270
still on her way.

537
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,270
Ah.

538
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:49,811
She's giving us

539
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:49,811
our down payment.

540
00:10:49,811 --> 00:10:51,186
You knew the rules

541
00:10:49,811 --> 00:10:51,186
when you married a drummer.

542
00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:54,853
Are we keeping you

543
00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:54,853
from something?

544
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:56,520
Not one "beat."

545
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,770
I have an idea.

546
00:10:57,770 --> 00:10:59,478
Why don't we

547
00:10:57,770 --> 00:10:59,478
greet your mom

548
00:10:59,478 --> 00:11:01,436
with the smell

549
00:10:59,478 --> 00:11:01,436
of fresh-baked cupcakes?

550
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:02,936
The ingredients

551
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:02,936
are in here.

552
00:11:02,936 --> 00:11:04,186
Will, grab a whisk.

553
00:11:04,186 --> 00:11:06,103
I'll be back

554
00:11:04,186 --> 00:11:06,103
before you two are frosting.

555
00:11:07,436 --> 00:11:09,311
I'm on my way

556
00:11:07,436 --> 00:11:09,311
to pick it up, Stan.

557
00:11:09,311 --> 00:11:11,061
I'll be there in like 5...

558
00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:13,936
to 45 minutes.

559
00:11:13,936 --> 00:11:16,061
Okay. Cupcakes.

560
00:11:16,061 --> 00:11:18,478
Pres... Oh, no. No.

561
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,103
Damn it.

562
00:11:20,103 --> 00:11:22,436
The cupcakes burned.

563
00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:24,603
Oh.

564
00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:24,603
Well, it still smells homey.

565
00:11:24,603 --> 00:11:26,686
And it gives Mom a chance

566
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,311
to see how well

567
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,311
this state-of-the-art

568
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,311
smoke alarm works!

569
00:11:30,311 --> 00:11:31,978
Come with me, Mom!

570
00:11:31,978 --> 00:11:34,020
Let me show you around

571
00:11:31,978 --> 00:11:34,020
the rest of this dream house!

572
00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:36,228
You see, even ironing

573
00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:36,228
is a delight here,

574
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,020
where you can feel

575
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,020
a cool breeze

576
00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:40,478
wafting in

577
00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:40,478
from the open sliders.

578
00:11:40,478 --> 00:11:41,811
Mother nature!

579
00:11:41,811 --> 00:11:43,978
Huzzah!

580
00:11:41,811 --> 00:11:43,978
Your own gift-wrapping room,

581
00:11:43,978 --> 00:11:45,395
just like

582
00:11:43,978 --> 00:11:45,395
the rich and famous.

583
00:11:45,395 --> 00:11:46,353
Sheila, finger.

584
00:11:47,853 --> 00:11:49,311
Go right ahead.

585
00:11:47,853 --> 00:11:49,311
There we go.

586
00:11:49,311 --> 00:11:52,811
Sorry I'm late, guys,

587
00:11:49,311 --> 00:11:52,811
but fear not.

588
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:55,103
One birthday present.

589
00:11:55,103 --> 00:11:56,353
Wrapped

590
00:11:55,103 --> 00:11:56,353
in baby-shower paper.

591
00:11:56,353 --> 00:11:58,770
One crisply pressed dress.

592
00:11:58,770 --> 00:12:00,353
With one big pleat

593
00:11:58,770 --> 00:12:00,353
it didn't used to have.

594
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,645
Oh.

595
00:12:01,645 --> 00:12:02,978
At least we know

596
00:12:01,645 --> 00:12:02,978
why you were late.

597
00:12:02,978 --> 00:12:04,061
Looks like

598
00:12:02,978 --> 00:12:04,061
you rescued those cupcakes

599
00:12:04,061 --> 00:12:05,478
from a burning bakery.

600
00:12:05,478 --> 00:12:07,353
Don't worry.

601
00:12:05,478 --> 00:12:07,353
Mom made those on the off chance

602
00:12:07,353 --> 00:12:09,270
what everyone knew

603
00:12:07,353 --> 00:12:09,270
was gonna happen happened.

604
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,353
She also bought me

605
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,353
that new dress.

606
00:12:11,353 --> 00:12:12,686
Oh, and I hope

607
00:12:11,353 --> 00:12:12,686
you kept the receipt,

608
00:12:12,686 --> 00:12:14,228
because Mom

609
00:12:12,686 --> 00:12:14,228
bought a backup.

610
00:12:14,228 --> 00:12:17,311
Well, don't be mad at your mom

611
00:12:14,228 --> 00:12:17,311
for underestimating me.

612
00:12:17,311 --> 00:12:18,603
Oh, how could we,

613
00:12:17,311 --> 00:12:18,603
when she made us

614
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:19,520
this fresh hand-churned

615
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:19,520
ice cream?

616
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,770
Yeah.

617
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,770
What?

618
00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:22,270
Oh,

619
00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:22,270
you know what we should do?

620
00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:23,728
We should send her

621
00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:23,728
a picture of us eating it.

622
00:12:23,728 --> 00:12:24,936
I guess it's a good thing

623
00:12:23,728 --> 00:12:24,936
I came home when I did.

624
00:12:24,936 --> 00:12:25,811
It'd be better

625
00:12:24,936 --> 00:12:25,811
if I did it.

626
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:26,728
Yeah.

627
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:26,728
Come on.

628
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:29,936
You churned ice cream?

629
00:12:29,936 --> 00:12:31,478
Yeah.

630
00:12:29,936 --> 00:12:31,478
Did the kids like it?

631
00:12:31,478 --> 00:12:32,811
They loved it.

632
00:12:31,478 --> 00:12:32,811
Great.

633
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,770
But they know

634
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,770
I can't make ice cream.

635
00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:36,978
I bought that churn

636
00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:36,978
out of a SkyMall catalog

637
00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:38,770
after three Bloody Marys.

638
00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:41,686
It's been sitting under a tarp

639
00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:41,686
in my garage for six years.

640
00:12:41,686 --> 00:12:43,561
You've got

641
00:12:41,686 --> 00:12:43,561
to dial it way back.

642
00:12:43,561 --> 00:12:45,186
Where is this fear and anger

643
00:12:43,561 --> 00:12:45,186
coming from?

644
00:12:45,186 --> 00:12:46,770
You're gonna

645
00:12:45,186 --> 00:12:46,770
get us caught!

646
00:12:48,103 --> 00:12:50,561
You knew the risks

647
00:12:48,103 --> 00:12:50,561
when we started this.

648
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,145
I'm just saying we're getting

649
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,145
a little bit sloppy.

650
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,145
Mm-hmm.

651
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,936
All the impossible errands,

652
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,936
the fancy sandwiches.

653
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,936
Mm-hmm.

654
00:12:55,936 --> 00:12:58,436
Just slap a little tuna

655
00:12:55,936 --> 00:12:58,436
on whole wheat

656
00:12:58,436 --> 00:12:59,603
for the next couple

657
00:12:58,436 --> 00:12:59,603
of days.

658
00:12:58,436 --> 00:12:59,603
What? N...

659
00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:02,020
Just until

660
00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:02,020
things cool off.

661
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:03,436
All right?

662
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,061
I was just trying

663
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,061
to make you happy.

664
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:11,145
You're not gonna stop me,

665
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:11,145
are you?

666
00:13:11,145 --> 00:13:14,311
Coffee cart's only in the lobby

667
00:13:11,145 --> 00:13:14,311
until 4:00.

668
00:13:14,311 --> 00:13:16,478
Thank you, Claire.

669
00:13:16,478 --> 00:13:17,686
Thank you.

670
00:13:17,686 --> 00:13:19,020
This is mortifying.

671
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,561
Whoever

672
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,561
we ask to fix this

673
00:13:20,561 --> 00:13:22,728
is gonna see what we're watching

674
00:13:20,561 --> 00:13:22,728
and think we're pervs.

675
00:13:22,728 --> 00:13:24,145
Not that guy.

676
00:13:24,145 --> 00:13:25,811
Luke?

677
00:13:27,145 --> 00:13:29,686
Oh! Hi, Marianne.

678
00:13:29,686 --> 00:13:32,811
Oh, wow!

679
00:13:29,686 --> 00:13:32,811
You're so grown-up now.

680
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,686
Yeah.

681
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,686
Uh, this is Manny.

682
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,686
Hi.

683
00:13:34,686 --> 00:13:36,603
Marianne used to be

684
00:13:34,686 --> 00:13:36,603
our babysitter.

685
00:13:36,603 --> 00:13:38,353
Remember when you asked me

686
00:13:36,603 --> 00:13:38,353
to marry you?

687
00:13:38,353 --> 00:13:40,186
"I wuv you, Mawianne."

688
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,353
Well, nice to meet you.

689
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,353
We should get going.

690
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:44,895
Okay. Bye, guys.

691
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:44,895
Best to your family, okay?

692
00:13:44,895 --> 00:13:46,311
Phew.

693
00:13:46,311 --> 00:13:47,853
I'd like to see

694
00:13:46,311 --> 00:13:47,853
the look on Mawianne's face

695
00:13:47,853 --> 00:13:49,811
if she knew what

696
00:13:47,853 --> 00:13:49,811
a degenerate you turned into.

697
00:13:49,811 --> 00:13:50,770
Next.

698
00:13:50,770 --> 00:13:52,853
I'm here, Kyle.

699
00:13:52,853 --> 00:13:54,478
Oh!

700
00:13:52,853 --> 00:13:54,478
Hello again.

701
00:13:54,478 --> 00:13:55,520
How can I help?

702
00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:04,353
What are we gonna do?

703
00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:04,353
Mom's gonna be home any minute.

704
00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:05,603
"Hola, papi.

705
00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:05,603
Have you seen my computer?"

706
00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:06,853
"Oh, sure, Mom.

707
00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:06,853
It's over there,

708
00:14:06,853 --> 00:14:07,978
where that naked girl's

709
00:14:06,853 --> 00:14:07,978
entertaining

710
00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:09,353
her school's

711
00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:09,353
basketball team."

712
00:14:09,353 --> 00:14:10,770
I'm face-timing Alex.

713
00:14:09,353 --> 00:14:10,770
She'll know what to do.

714
00:14:10,770 --> 00:14:12,645
What's up, Luke?

715
00:14:12,645 --> 00:14:14,103
Computer glitch.

716
00:14:12,645 --> 00:14:14,103
The screen's frozen.

717
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,853
Let me see.

718
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,853
I'd rather not.

719
00:14:15,853 --> 00:14:17,395
So porn.

720
00:14:17,395 --> 00:14:18,436
Well, I just

721
00:14:17,395 --> 00:14:18,436
have to finish this paper.

722
00:14:18,436 --> 00:14:19,478
I'll call you in an hour.

723
00:14:19,478 --> 00:14:21,186
Oh, hey, there, cutie pie.

724
00:14:21,186 --> 00:14:22,645
Thank you, Alex,

725
00:14:21,186 --> 00:14:22,645
but could you please hurry

726
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:23,811
and call us back?

727
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:23,811
I was talk...

728
00:14:24,978 --> 00:14:26,561
She knows

729
00:14:24,978 --> 00:14:26,561
I'm forbidden fruit.

730
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,603
I'm sure

731
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,603
that's half the appeal.

732
00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:44,728
Jay!

733
00:14:44,728 --> 00:14:45,853
Jay?

734
00:14:48,853 --> 00:14:50,853
How long

735
00:14:48,853 --> 00:14:50,853
since you have been up?

736
00:14:50,853 --> 00:14:52,645
Oh,

737
00:14:50,853 --> 00:14:52,645
about a minute before you.

738
00:14:52,645 --> 00:14:54,686
Oh,

739
00:14:52,645 --> 00:14:54,686
can you do me a favor?

740
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:55,978
Can you go

741
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:55,978
and look at the laundry?

742
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,770
I think it's done.

743
00:14:57,770 --> 00:14:59,478
Sure, but, honey, I think

744
00:14:57,770 --> 00:14:59,478
I slept kind of weird.

745
00:14:59,478 --> 00:15:01,686
Could you run back upstairs

746
00:14:59,478 --> 00:15:01,686
and get me my heating pad?

747
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,145
Why is Stella

748
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,145
going crazy there?

749
00:15:05,145 --> 00:15:07,061
Stella, get out of here!

750
00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:10,936
Oh. Hi, there.

751
00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:10,936
How's everybody doing?

752
00:15:10,936 --> 00:15:12,061
What's up with Stella?

753
00:15:12,061 --> 00:15:13,270
Where have you two been?

754
00:15:13,270 --> 00:15:15,020
Is that my computer?

755
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:16,353
Don't open that!

756
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:16,353
Don't open that!

757
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,145
Is that Joe's plane?

758
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,145
Don't open that!

759
00:15:19,145 --> 00:15:23,395
A lot of unanswered questions

760
00:15:19,145 --> 00:15:23,395
here, it seems like.

761
00:15:23,395 --> 00:15:28,270
Why don't we all

762
00:15:23,395 --> 00:15:28,270
just... take a step back?

763
00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:32,353
Nice and easy.

764
00:15:32,353 --> 00:15:35,103
Okay, so...

765
00:15:35,103 --> 00:15:37,770
now I am going to go

766
00:15:35,103 --> 00:15:37,770
and take a little walk.

767
00:15:39,645 --> 00:15:42,478
Luke and I have some homework

768
00:15:39,645 --> 00:15:42,478
to do upstairs.

769
00:15:42,478 --> 00:15:46,353
And I'm going...

770
00:15:42,478 --> 00:15:46,353
to the little boy's room.

771
00:15:51,436 --> 00:15:54,228
They have taken pictures

772
00:15:51,436 --> 00:15:54,228
at every table but ours.

773
00:15:54,228 --> 00:15:56,311
Because their photographer

774
00:15:54,228 --> 00:15:56,311
isn't Diane Arbus.

775
00:15:56,311 --> 00:15:58,603
Who else would want a record

776
00:15:56,311 --> 00:15:58,603
of this fever dream?

777
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:00,770
Oh!

778
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:00,770
Are you gonna finish this?

779
00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,603
They didn't budget

780
00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,603
a staff meal.

781
00:16:02,603 --> 00:16:04,436
It's our own fault

782
00:16:02,603 --> 00:16:04,436
we're poor.

783
00:16:04,436 --> 00:16:06,936
When we had money, we spent

784
00:16:04,436 --> 00:16:06,936
it all on drunken sailors.

785
00:16:06,936 --> 00:16:08,436
You mean

786
00:16:06,936 --> 00:16:08,436
"like drunken sailors"?

787
00:16:08,436 --> 00:16:09,728
Sure.

788
00:16:09,728 --> 00:16:11,395
Pepper,

789
00:16:09,728 --> 00:16:11,395
before you run off again,

790
00:16:11,395 --> 00:16:13,853
why is almost everyone here

791
00:16:11,395 --> 00:16:13,853
treating us like pariahs?

792
00:16:13,853 --> 00:16:16,228
Well, you didn't help yourselves

793
00:16:13,853 --> 00:16:16,228
by the cold way

794
00:16:16,228 --> 00:16:18,270
you declined those last two

795
00:16:16,228 --> 00:16:18,270
wedding invitations.

796
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:20,353
We didn't get

797
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:20,353
those invitations.

798
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:22,978
I got the RSVPs myself

799
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:22,978
to Adam and Michael

800
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:22,978
and Felix and Jordan.

801
00:16:22,978 --> 00:16:26,186
Just a big "X"

802
00:16:22,978 --> 00:16:26,186
in the "will not attend" box.

803
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,853
No excuse, no gift.

804
00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:31,228
Of course you put people off.

805
00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:31,228
It's just not classy.

806
00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:36,353
How old

807
00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:36,353
are these pudding cups?

808
00:16:36,353 --> 00:16:37,603
Come, carino.

809
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:39,228
There's a vending machine

810
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:39,228
in the lobby.

811
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:42,436
If I lie down next to it,

812
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:42,436
will you push it over on me?

813
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:45,561
How could we RSVP to wedding

814
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:45,561
invitations that we never got?

815
00:16:45,561 --> 00:16:48,311
Okay, party people,

816
00:16:45,561 --> 00:16:48,311
on your feet.

817
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:49,686
You guys cool

818
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:49,686
if I take off?

819
00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:51,145
No. Sweetie, what's been

820
00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:51,145
going on with you?

821
00:16:51,145 --> 00:16:52,686
You've wanted to leave

822
00:16:51,145 --> 00:16:52,686
since we got here.

823
00:16:52,686 --> 00:16:54,686
Hey, y'all coming?

824
00:16:54,686 --> 00:16:55,895
Might as well.

825
00:16:55,895 --> 00:16:57,270
Come on, Lily.

826
00:16:55,895 --> 00:16:57,270
Let's go dance.

827
00:16:57,270 --> 00:16:59,186
No! No dancing.

828
00:16:57,270 --> 00:16:59,186
It's too embarrassing.

829
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,645
No. You're a good dancer,

830
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,645
sweetie.

831
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,853
Not me. You two.

832
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,853
What?

833
00:17:03,853 --> 00:17:06,520
You don't like our dancing?

834
00:17:03,853 --> 00:17:06,520
Why?

835
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:07,686
Why?

836
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:18,603
You're not good.

837
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:18,603
That's why I hate weddings.

838
00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:21,520
Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to

839
00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:21,520
some weddings and not tell us?

840
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,853
Yes. Punish me, ground me.

841
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,853
I just can't watch it again.

842
00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:26,228
Oh,

843
00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:26,228
you're gonna be punished.

844
00:17:26,228 --> 00:17:27,645
Mitchell, wait.

845
00:17:26,228 --> 00:17:27,645
I know how she feels.

846
00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,228
Did we really embarrass you

847
00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,228
that bad?

848
00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:32,978
Well, yeah. I mean,

849
00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:32,978
I still love you, but...

850
00:17:32,978 --> 00:17:34,936
Why are

851
00:17:32,978 --> 00:17:34,936
your shoulders moving?

852
00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,103
Well, we always knew

853
00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,103
there would be something

854
00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,103
you didn't like about us.

855
00:17:37,103 --> 00:17:39,561
We're just glad that

856
00:17:37,103 --> 00:17:39,561
it's something we're so good at.

857
00:17:46,645 --> 00:17:49,478
If anybody asks,

858
00:17:46,645 --> 00:17:49,478
I'm with you.

859
00:17:51,895 --> 00:17:54,145
Yes, Gavin,

860
00:17:51,895 --> 00:17:54,145
I got everything you asked for,

861
00:17:54,145 --> 00:17:55,436
and I'm on my way.

862
00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:56,978
All these errands I have to do

863
00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:56,978
for my boss.

864
00:17:56,978 --> 00:17:59,311
I swear, if it wasn't for me,

865
00:17:56,978 --> 00:17:59,311
he'd never get anything.

866
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:01,061
Haley, please.

867
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:01,061
I'm trying to figure out

868
00:18:01,061 --> 00:18:03,728
how your mom's getting all

869
00:18:01,061 --> 00:18:03,728
these things done by herself.

870
00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:06,395
When Haley finally gave me

871
00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:06,395
a chance to hear myself think,

872
00:18:06,395 --> 00:18:07,686
it hit me.

873
00:18:07,686 --> 00:18:09,436
Could Claire

874
00:18:07,686 --> 00:18:09,436
be using an assistant?

875
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:12,645
I decided to retrace every

876
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:12,645
errand she allegedly ran today

877
00:18:12,645 --> 00:18:14,145
and time it out.

878
00:18:14,145 --> 00:18:17,686
She was in meetings

879
00:18:14,145 --> 00:18:17,686
from 9:00 a.m. To 1:30,

880
00:18:17,686 --> 00:18:20,686
leaving her a 90-minute window

881
00:18:17,686 --> 00:18:20,686
to buy Haley's dress,

882
00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:23,853
see Stan at Best Buy

883
00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:23,853
for Alex's present,

884
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:28,478
then speed home, where she could

885
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:28,478
start baking the cupcakes,

886
00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:30,895
drag the churn in

887
00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:30,895
from the garage,

888
00:18:30,895 --> 00:18:35,270
churn, wrap, and frost,

889
00:18:35,270 --> 00:18:37,603
leaving her a scant eight

890
00:18:35,270 --> 00:18:37,603
minutes at school pick-up time

891
00:18:37,603 --> 00:18:40,061
to race back

892
00:18:37,603 --> 00:18:40,061
for her 3:00 staff meeting.

893
00:18:40,061 --> 00:18:43,478
Even if all 14 traffic lights

894
00:18:40,061 --> 00:18:43,478
on her route were green,

895
00:18:43,478 --> 00:18:45,228
this task would be...

896
00:18:45,228 --> 00:18:46,978
Impossible.

897
00:18:46,978 --> 00:18:49,270
I don't know

898
00:18:46,978 --> 00:18:49,270
who made that ice cream,

899
00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:51,478
but Daddy was about

900
00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:51,478
to churn up a frosty bowl

901
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:53,103
of "Mom's a big fake."

902
00:18:54,186 --> 00:18:56,811
Ben,

903
00:18:54,186 --> 00:18:56,811
what are you still doing here?

904
00:18:56,811 --> 00:18:58,020
I'm just making sandwiches

905
00:18:56,811 --> 00:18:58,020
for the kids.

906
00:18:58,020 --> 00:18:59,561
Don't worry.

907
00:18:58,020 --> 00:18:59,561
They'll never know.

908
00:18:59,561 --> 00:19:02,228
I'm using store-brand Gouda

909
00:18:59,561 --> 00:19:02,228
and this domestic mustard.

910
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,561
No, you don't understand.

911
00:19:03,561 --> 00:19:05,561
My husband could be home

912
00:19:03,561 --> 00:19:05,561
any minute.

913
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,853
You've got to leave.

914
00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:09,561
What is this?

915
00:19:09,561 --> 00:19:11,270
"Thanks for the advice, Mom.

916
00:19:09,561 --> 00:19:11,270
It worked great."

917
00:19:11,270 --> 00:19:12,603
Nice.

918
00:19:11,270 --> 00:19:12,603
What advice?

919
00:19:12,603 --> 00:19:14,478
Oh, well, you left your phone

920
00:19:12,603 --> 00:19:14,478
on your desk,

921
00:19:14,478 --> 00:19:16,561
and Alex texted when

922
00:19:14,478 --> 00:19:16,561
you were in that staff meeting.

923
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:18,436
She seemed really upset,

924
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:18,436
so I took care of it.

925
00:19:18,436 --> 00:19:19,728
It was, like, boy stuff,

926
00:19:18,436 --> 00:19:19,728
whatever.

927
00:19:19,728 --> 00:19:21,811
Ben,

928
00:19:19,728 --> 00:19:21,811
we got to stop doing this.

929
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:23,520
No, it's fine. I just said

930
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:23,520
what you would have said.

931
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,020
But I didn't say anything.

932
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:29,186
I-I wasn't there for my daughter

933
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:29,186
at all.

934
00:19:29,186 --> 00:19:32,853
I-I'm so damn busy

935
00:19:29,186 --> 00:19:32,853
trying to be the perfect mom

936
00:19:32,853 --> 00:19:34,770
and ... and the perfect boss,

937
00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:37,311
but I'm outsourcing the one job

938
00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:37,311
that means the most to me,

939
00:19:37,311 --> 00:19:38,270
and I really miss it.

940
00:19:38,270 --> 00:19:39,436
I miss being a mom.

941
00:19:39,436 --> 00:19:41,103
Even if I'm a so-so mom

942
00:19:41,103 --> 00:19:44,395
that barely has time to make

943
00:19:41,103 --> 00:19:44,395
a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I...

944
00:19:44,395 --> 00:19:45,978
Okay.

945
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,645
Then you should

946
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,645
get back to that.

947
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,645
Yeah.

948
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,103
And I should get back

949
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,103
to the office.

950
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:50,770
Oh, no.

951
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:50,770
Ben, you don't have to do that.

952
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:51,770
It's so late.

953
00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:53,311
No, I do.

954
00:19:53,311 --> 00:19:54,728
My mom's got a "date"

955
00:19:53,311 --> 00:19:54,728
with her new boyfriend,

956
00:19:54,728 --> 00:19:57,770
so I'm gonna crash

957
00:19:54,728 --> 00:19:57,770
in the showroom.

958
00:20:04,728 --> 00:20:06,020
Okay.

959
00:20:22,645 --> 00:20:24,520
Thank you.

960
00:20:31,936 --> 00:20:33,520
So, before you open this,

961
00:20:31,936 --> 00:20:33,520
I just want to say

962
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,020
this is not the kind of thing

963
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,020
I'm usually into.

964
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,061
Let's not.

965
00:20:36,061 --> 00:20:37,145
It's all him,

966
00:20:36,061 --> 00:20:37,145
by the way.

967
00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:38,353
No kidding.

968
00:20:38,353 --> 00:20:40,270
Oh, don't show it to me!

969
00:20:40,270 --> 00:20:41,145
Oh!

970
00:20:42,770 --> 00:20:45,520
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

971
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,978
CTRL-Alt-Ew.

972
00:20:46,978 --> 00:20:49,103
Oh, God.

973
00:20:46,978 --> 00:20:49,103
Please, tell me it worked.

974
00:20:49,103 --> 00:20:50,520
It worked.

975
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:55,145
Just so you know, women are not

976
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:55,145
all vacuous nymphomaniacs

977
00:20:55,145 --> 00:20:57,436
looking to seduce every man

978
00:20:55,145 --> 00:20:57,436
that crosses their path.

979
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,853
Bye, you dirty little boy!

980
00:21:02,270 --> 00:21:03,895
Kind of a mixed message,

981
00:21:02,270 --> 00:21:03,895
right?

982
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:05,145
I'll talk to her.

983
00:21:08,228 --> 00:21:11,061
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