Huh.
My super-awesome family
was throwing me
a surprise early birthday party.
I'm guess
I'm the only one at home.
How could you do this?
Dad!
You were supposed
to be my hero!
You let me down!
Or I forgot
to meet the electrician today
to fix our faulty junction box.
Guys, I'm not gonna
make excuses.
I've been really busy
at work.
Well, I was halfway through
straightening my hair.
And I was in the middle
of doing three weeks' worth
of laundry.
And I was actually
writing a term paper
right when the lights went out,
and... what?
This isn't soda.
Okay, before you guys
say anything,
I only put this on because
I didn't have anything ...
Aah!
Well, the problem
obviously self-corrected,
which I knew it would.
Well, I fixed it.
Yeah, mom called a guy.
Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry.
I got busy at work, and ...
Oh, honey,
don't even worry about it.
Mwah. I'm just glad
the fridge is up and running.
I pre-packed
all the lunches for tomorrow.
I didn't want the Brie
on the sandwiches to get runny.
Brie?
Don't tell me any more.
I live
for the surprise.
Hey, Mom, I know you're
really busy at work, but ...
Sweetheart, I would never
use that as an excuse.
What do you need?
The cupcakes
for the bake sale.
Okay.
Oh, and since
we got stuck here,
I couldn't go out and get
that birthday present
for my roommate.
Or my dress
from the dry cleaners.
Done, done, and done.
We have the best mom ever.
Hugs!
Okay. Aww.
Wait, wait, guys.
Guys, Dad's here.
Oh.
Dad, take a photo
of us hugging Mom.
Until now, when I'd
screw up on the home front,
I could always blame work,
but with Claire
running a company
and being a better mom
than ever,
I could feel
the kids downgrading
their whole opinion of me.
I went from an "A" dad
to an "F" dad.
Fail Dunphy.
Phil Dun-fail.
Failip Hum-fail Dun...
No, I had it before.
Say "Brie."
Brie!
Hey, you know what?
I could do
some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
You've got
that open house.
Honey, I've been juggling
work and family for 22 years
and just juggling for 30.
Well, I really need that dress
for an event, so ...
I got it.
Agenda for tomorrow ...
One dress,
one set of cupcakes,
one present, and that's it.
I got ya!
You thought I forgot.
I will be here to meet the alarm
company at precisely 3:40...
earlier today.
Oh.
You didn't make enough noise
last night?
With all his crying,
I didn't sleep four hours.
I didn't close my eyes.
It was like
being back in my village,
watching for
the marauders.
I don't know
what's more shocking ...
you standing watch
or knowing the word "marauders."
Please tell me
I didn't sob all night
just 'cause I lost
my baby blanket.
Shh! Don't remind him.
He's happy now.
And besides,
you didn't even have a blanket.
We were
basically destitute.
What, did you get hit
by lightning?
Thank God that
Joe has a playdate.
Vicky's picking us up.
I'm gonna make him
play so hard
that he's gonna pass out
tonight.
Well, I've got a playdate
with Johnnie Walker,
so one of us
is passing out tonight.
Yeah, I know
we're out of dog food.
I'll pick some up
after golf.
She could lose
a couple of pounds, anyways.
Thank God
you don't have a daughter.
The minute
that kid falls asleep,
that plane
goes Amelia Earhart.
Doesn't this seem
a little chintzy?
Yeah, can we go now?
No, we haven't said hello
to the grooms ...
or the talented people
who planned this wedding.
Another great Pepper Saltzman
production, guys.
Oh, please. What's tackier
than a Friday lunch wedding?
Table five
needs more... ketchup.
I have to hide my face
with a coat
every time the videographer
comes around.
In the old days,
he'd never taken
a cheap job like this,
but the gay-wedding business
is drying up.
We do the bargain ones
as Sherman Saltzman Events,
and I haven't
been Sherman
since I got on that bus
in Lubbock 35 years ago.
We've only booked two others
in months ...
Adam and Michael
last weekend
and Felix and Jordan
next Monday.
Ugh. Monday.
Oh, away, you vulture.
Cam, do you think
it's a little weird ...
That we weren't invited
to Adam and Michael's
or Felix and Jordan's?
Yes. Totally weird.
Okay, sweetie,
here's the kids table.
Where is our table?
There are no more tables.
Oh, my God.
That's us.
Number 65.
Where are our friends?
Not here.
Are we on some sort
of gay blacklist?
I'm not sitting there.
You're sitting there.
Hello?
Hey, honey.
Oh, cupcakes,
present, dress.
I remember.
I'm gonna get on that
just as soon as I'm done
with my open house.
I just wanted to clarify,
where am I getting the present?
Uh, hang on, Phil.
I'm in the middle
of something.
Um, uh, just one second.
I'm ... It's at the Best Buy.
Ask for S-Sean ... Stan.
It's under "Dunphy."
Thanks, honey.
I don't know
how you do it all.
Love you.
That's a "T"?
They say it takes a village
to raise a family
and run a company.
Turns out, it just takes
one little suck-up
from marketing named Ben.
Oh, Claire,
I don't know if you heard.
They moved the Kramer meeting
back to 5:00.
No.
Yeah.
No, I-I have
to make a lasagna
for Luke's team dinner,
but I can't
miss that meeting.
Oh.
You know,
I know my way around a kitchen.
My mom's an alcoholic.
So I could easily knock out
a lasagna for you.
Ben, you are a lifesaver.
Thanks.
Wow. I promise
I will not make a habit of it.
I kind of made a habit of it.
Calm down.
We only cut two classes,
and I'll send an excuse e-mail
from your mom's computer.
I can't believe
I agreed to ditch with you
just 'cause you gave me
half your Brie sandwich.
Although
that party-crashing apple slice
turned out to be
a welcome plus-one.
So we can
make it official now.
I have three gay uncles.
Yeah,
I'm ... I'm sorry, Miles.
No, apologize to the guys.
It's just,
I'm too tired to play golf.
Damn it! The dog food!
Ah.
Stella,
this is your lucky day.
Gloria makes
this Colombian dish
I loved
when we were first dating.
I lied about a lot of things
back then.
What the hell
are you doing?
That takes me three days!
Three days to prepare!
And then
you say that you love it,
and you feed it
to the dog?
What else have you been lying
about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?
No Daddy kisses till Sunday
after she eats this.
Sorry, Vicky.
We have to cancel
the playdate.
Joe fell asleep in the car,
and I don't want to wake him up.
Okay.
Thank God that
Jay was out playing golf.
The last time that I left Joe
sleeping in the car...
Honey, where's Joe?
Sleeping in the car.
Are you crazy?
You don't leave a kid
in the car!
Why don't you just put a sign on
him saying "free coyote food"?
I have never seen anyone so mad.
Even the marauders, you could
have a conversation with.
"Family emergency.
Blah, blah, blah.
Gloria Pritchett."
And send.
I hate
that I have to ask this,
but you didn't type
"Blah, blah, blah," did you?
You need to chill...
like my girlfriend here.
Nah, I can't enjoy that.
I just keep thinking about
that girl's father.
Could you please just get that
off my mom's computer?
Okay. That was your reward
for ditching,
but if you
don't want to...
Uh-oh.
What "uh-oh"?
Uh, it's frozen.
What?
Oh, my God.
It froze on that?
Hey.
"That" has a name.
Here, Stella.
Come and get it, girl.
Jay, is that you?
Yep.
Damn it.
Damn it!
I didn't hear you come in.
That's good.
Uh ... Oh, how come
you're home so early?
Too tired for golf.
Ah.
Where's Joe?
Upstairs.
Ah.
I finally
got him to sleep.
She wants to get out.
I'll take her.
No, no, no.
You stay here.
I'll do it.
No, you can't.
I mean, w-we rarely
get times like this anymore.
Joe's sleeping,
Manny is at school.
Why don't we
go upstairs and ...
Take a nap.
Exactly!
My mom got picked up
by a friend.
We can take her car
to the computer store
and be back
before she gets home.
Wow. She left the windows down
and the lights on.
Sometimes,
she is so oblivious.
All I had to do was wait
for Jay to fall asleep.
Genius.
She'd be snoring in minutes.
Piece of cake.
We are so far away
from everything.
During the last toast,
I saw them clink the glasses
before the sound
actually reached us.
Snubbed at this wedding,
not invited
to two others ...
what could you
have possibly done?
(dishes rattling,
toilet flushes)
Um...
Sorry. I said I would
switch with you at dessert.
Oh, Pepper. Pepper.
Do you
have any idea why ...
Oh, sorry.
I'm in a mad rush
to the mashed-potato bar
to restock something
called... fixin's.
If you
ever felt anything for me,
you'll push me
out a window.
You know, Mitchell,
m-maybe it's ...
Shh! Shh, shh, shh!
Look. I can't
have this fight again.
I saw you ogling him.
Hey,
as far as I'm concerned,
we never have
to have this fight again.
Mitchell, stop it.
Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm?
Eavesdropping?
Trolling for business?
You've been doing it
ever since you started
handling gay divorce.
It's kind of ghoulish.
Ghoulish?
Yes.
I'll bet that's why
nobody wants us around.
That's it. You're like the
Angel of Death of gay marriage.
You're like a cat
at an old-folks' home
who curls up
next to somebody about to die.
They're judging me?
Felix and Jordan sell fur.
Sorry. We couldn't help
overhearing you overhearing us.
Some friends of ours
are breaking up,
and they need
a good divorce lawyer.
Do you have a card?
Oh.
We couldn't help
overhearing you
talking about you overhearing
you overhearing you.
Are you really doing
gay divorces now?
We had no idea.
I was just overhearing
you guys overhearing ...
Good Lord, it's like a game
of princess telephone.
Here is my card,
and just to be clear,
none of you knew
I was doing gay divorces?
Oh, interesting.
That's very interesting.
Have a good time at the wedding.
Bye, Jotham.
Thank you so much.
Well, how about
this ghoulish profession
that no one seems to have
a problem with except for you?
Look, I'm sorry, but you've
always been a little cynical,
and I was worried you seeing
all these marriages collapse
would push you further
in that direction.
No, no,
it's the opposite.
Being around
all these unhappy couples
makes me even more grateful
for what we have.
Aww. That's so sweet.
Are ... are you sure
that's not the cash bar talking?
Of course not.
You're the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
Aww.
And you're the best thing
that's ever happened
to me.
Oh, Cam.
Maybe this
is why nobody wants us around
is because we cause
an emotional scene
everywhere we go.
I'm sorry.
I'll never be
the son he wants.
What's to become of us?
Well, now I'm stumped.
Yep.
That refrigerates stuff.
All of them do.
But you know the saying ...
All good open houses must come
to an end by 2:00 on the dot.
Oh, but my mom's
still on her way.
Ah.
She's giving us
our down payment.
You knew the rules
when you married a drummer.
Are we keeping you
from something?
Not one "beat."
I have an idea.
Why don't we
greet your mom
with the smell
of fresh-baked cupcakes?
The ingredients
are in here.
Will, grab a whisk.
I'll be back
before you two are frosting.
I'm on my way
to pick it up, Stan.
I'll be there in like 5...
to 45 minutes.
Okay. Cupcakes.
Pres... Oh, no. No.
Damn it.
The cupcakes burned.
Oh.
Well, it still smells homey.
And it gives Mom a chance
to see how well
this state-of-the-art
smoke alarm works!
Come with me, Mom!
Let me show you around
the rest of this dream house!
You see, even ironing
is a delight here,
where you can feel
a cool breeze
wafting in
from the open sliders.
Mother nature!
Huzzah!
Your own gift-wrapping room,
just like
the rich and famous.
Sheila, finger.
Go right ahead.
There we go.
Sorry I'm late, guys,
but fear not.
One birthday present.
Wrapped
in baby-shower paper.
One crisply pressed dress.
With one big pleat
it didn't used to have.
Oh.
At least we know
why you were late.
Looks like
you rescued those cupcakes
from a burning bakery.
Don't worry.
Mom made those on the off chance
what everyone knew
was gonna happen happened.
She also bought me
that new dress.
Oh, and I hope
you kept the receipt,
because Mom
bought a backup.
Well, don't be mad at your mom
for underestimating me.
Oh, how could we,
when she made us
this fresh hand-churned
ice cream?
Yeah.
What?
Oh,
you know what we should do?
We should send her
a picture of us eating it.
I guess it's a good thing
I came home when I did.
It'd be better
if I did it.
Yeah.
Come on.
You churned ice cream?
Yeah.
Did the kids like it?
They loved it.
Great.
But they know
I can't make ice cream.
I bought that churn
out of a SkyMall catalog
after three Bloody Marys.
It's been sitting under a tarp
in my garage for six years.
You've got
to dial it way back.
Where is this fear and anger
coming from?
You're gonna
get us caught!
You knew the risks
when we started this.
I'm just saying we're getting
a little bit sloppy.
Mm-hmm.
All the impossible errands,
the fancy sandwiches.
Mm-hmm.
Just slap a little tuna
on whole wheat
for the next couple
of days.
What? N...
Just until
things cool off.
All right?
I was just trying
to make you happy.
You're not gonna stop me,
are you?
Coffee cart's only in the lobby
until 4:00.
Thank you, Claire.
Thank you.
This is mortifying.
Whoever
we ask to fix this
is gonna see what we're watching
and think we're pervs.
Not that guy.
Luke?
Oh! Hi, Marianne.
Oh, wow!
You're so grown-up now.
Yeah.
Uh, this is Manny.
Hi.
Marianne used to be
our babysitter.
Remember when you asked me
to marry you?
"I wuv you, Mawianne."
Well, nice to meet you.
We should get going.
Okay. Bye, guys.
Best to your family, okay?
Phew.
I'd like to see
the look on Mawianne's face
if she knew what
a degenerate you turned into.
Next.
I'm here, Kyle.
Oh!
Hello again.
How can I help?
What are we gonna do?
Mom's gonna be home any minute.
"Hola, papi.
Have you seen my computer?"
"Oh, sure, Mom.
It's over there,
where that naked girl's
entertaining
her school's
basketball team."
I'm face-timing Alex.
She'll know what to do.
What's up, Luke?
Computer glitch.
The screen's frozen.
Let me see.
I'd rather not.
So porn.
Well, I just
have to finish this paper.
I'll call you in an hour.
Oh, hey, there, cutie pie.
Thank you, Alex,
but could you please hurry
and call us back?
I was talk...
She knows
I'm forbidden fruit.
I'm sure
that's half the appeal.
Jay!
Jay?
How long
since you have been up?
Oh,
about a minute before you.
Oh,
can you do me a favor?
Can you go
and look at the laundry?
I think it's done.
Sure, but, honey, I think
I slept kind of weird.
Could you run back upstairs
and get me my heating pad?
Why is Stella
going crazy there?
Stella, get out of here!
Oh. Hi, there.
How's everybody doing?
What's up with Stella?
Where have you two been?
Is that my computer?
Don't open that!
Is that Joe's plane?
Don't open that!
A lot of unanswered questions
here, it seems like.
Why don't we all
just... take a step back?
Nice and easy.
Okay, so...
now I am going to go
and take a little walk.
Luke and I have some homework
to do upstairs.
And I'm going...
to the little boy's room.
They have taken pictures
at every table but ours.
Because their photographer
isn't Diane Arbus.
Who else would want a record
of this fever dream?
Oh!
Are you gonna finish this?
They didn't budget
a staff meal.
It's our own fault
we're poor.
When we had money, we spent
it all on drunken sailors.
You mean
"like drunken sailors"?
Sure.
Pepper,
before you run off again,
why is almost everyone here
treating us like pariahs?
Well, you didn't help yourselves
by the cold way
you declined those last two
wedding invitations.
We didn't get
those invitations.
I got the RSVPs myself
to Adam and Michael
and Felix and Jordan.
Just a big "X"
in the "will not attend" box.
No excuse, no gift.
Of course you put people off.
It's just not classy.
How old
are these pudding cups?
Come, carino.
There's a vending machine
in the lobby.
If I lie down next to it,
will you push it over on me?
How could we RSVP to wedding
invitations that we never got?
Okay, party people,
on your feet.
You guys cool
if I take off?
No. Sweetie, what's been
going on with you?
You've wanted to leave
since we got here.
Hey, y'all coming?
Might as well.
Come on, Lily.
Let's go dance.
No! No dancing.
It's too embarrassing.
No. You're a good dancer,
sweetie.
Not me. You two.
What?
You don't like our dancing?
Why?
You're not good.
That's why I hate weddings.
Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to
some weddings and not tell us?
Yes. Punish me, ground me.
I just can't watch it again.
Oh,
you're gonna be punished.
Mitchell, wait.
I know how she feels.
Did we really embarrass you
that bad?
Well, yeah. I mean,
I still love you, but...
Why are
your shoulders moving?
Well, we always knew
there would be something
you didn't like about us.
We're just glad that
it's something we're so good at.
If anybody asks,
I'm with you.
Yes, Gavin,
I got everything you asked for,
and I'm on my way.
All these errands I have to do
for my boss.
I swear, if it wasn't for me,
he'd never get anything.
Haley, please.
I'm trying to figure out
how your mom's getting all
these things done by herself.
When Haley finally gave me
a chance to hear myself think,
it hit me.
Could Claire
be using an assistant?
I decided to retrace every
errand she allegedly ran today
and time it out.
She was in meetings
from 9:00 a.m. To 1:30,
leaving her a 90-minute window
to buy Haley's dress,
see Stan at Best Buy
for Alex's present,
then speed home, where she could
start baking the cupcakes,
drag the churn in
from the garage,
churn, wrap, and frost,
leaving her a scant eight
minutes at school pick-up time
to race back
for her 3:00 staff meeting.
Even if all 14 traffic lights
on her route were green,
this task would be...
Impossible.
I don't know
who made that ice cream,
but Daddy was about
to churn up a frosty bowl
of "Mom's a big fake."
Ben,
what are you still doing here?
I'm just making sandwiches
for the kids.
Don't worry.
They'll never know.
I'm using store-brand Gouda
and this domestic mustard.
No, you don't understand.
My husband could be home
any minute.
You've got to leave.
What is this?
"Thanks for the advice, Mom.
It worked great."
Nice.
What advice?
Oh, well, you left your phone
on your desk,
and Alex texted when
you were in that staff meeting.
She seemed really upset,
so I took care of it.
It was, like, boy stuff,
whatever.
Ben,
we got to stop doing this.
No, it's fine. I just said
what you would have said.
But I didn't say anything.
I-I wasn't there for my daughter
at all.
I-I'm so damn busy
trying to be the perfect mom
and ... and the perfect boss,
but I'm outsourcing the one job
that means the most to me,
and I really miss it.
I miss being a mom.
Even if I'm a so-so mom
that barely has time to make
a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I...
Okay.
Then you should
get back to that.
Yeah.
And I should get back
to the office.
Oh, no.
Ben, you don't have to do that.
It's so late.
No, I do.
My mom's got a "date"
with her new boyfriend,
so I'm gonna crash
in the showroom.
Okay.
Thank you.
So, before you open this,
I just want to say
this is not the kind of thing
I'm usually into.
Let's not.
It's all him,
by the way.
No kidding.
Oh, don't show it to me!
Oh!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
CTRL-Alt-Ew.
Oh, God.
Please, tell me it worked.
It worked.
Just so you know, women are not
all vacuous nymphomaniacs
looking to seduce every man
that crosses their path.
Bye, you dirty little boy!
Kind of a mixed message,
right?
I'll talk to her.
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