There is my favorite girl!
I'm so excited
about our spa weekend!
Oh, me too.
If you think of it
while you're there,
I'm dangerously low
on sunscreen powder.
Powder?
You know, you won't be smirking
10 years from now
when your face looks like
an old apple.
I just got my first perk as
C.E.O. of Pritchett's Closets.
I finished a big job for a spa,
and as a thank-you, they sent me
a free weekend for two.
Phil's too ticklish
for massages, though.
But I am not!
I heard it's the place
where all the stars go
to get hot mud poured
into their faces.
I just can't wait to see this
one without makeup.
You do, it will be the last
thing that you will ever see.
I remember my first big perk
for a job well-done.
I had upgraded some closets
for guy who created "ALF."
Hmm.
And six weeks later,
I'm watching the show.
There's ALF sassing
this handsome mailman
named Jay Pritchett.
I still got it
on Betamax.
I remember. You showed it to me
on our first date.
(Cameron
clears throat)
Hey.
Jay, you ready to watch
the, uh, fight together?
Yep.
Just two of us.
Mm.
I had the perfect night
planned ...
alone, pay-per-view boxing ...
The pride of Ireland
versus a Cuban sensation.
In the ring
and in my bloodstream.
Then Gloria and Mitchell
got involved.
Jay, Cam is gonna
watch the fight, too.
Why don't you two
watch it together?
Oh, good, because Cam
was just gonna
watch from a bar
by himself.
I love it. It's gonna be like
you have a date!
I don't know what it is,
but Jay gets uncomfortable
when it's just the two of us.
And then I get uncomfortable,
and I feel like
I have to say something.
Perfect. Yeah.
Today's
Hitler's birthday.
Mitchell,
we're going!
Where is Phil?
The theater's gonna be packed.
Honey, your nerd friend
is waiting.
Who dare invoke my name?
That's my cue.
It is I,
your destroyer!
Hey, Lily,
you sure you don't want
to go to the movies with us?
Last chance.
What is it about again?
The Defenders of Infinity
are heroes
from several
different time streams
that make their way
into the future without ...
Um, it's not really
the future
since the streams
have always coexisted.
Don't do that. Don't treat me
like I'm a lobotomorph.
Lily, you don't want
to go.
You'll be the only girl
in the theater.
All right,
you guys should head out.
We would love to.
Oh, and don't worry.
Lily's babysitters have
a big night planned ...
puzzles, ping-pong,
board games.
Are we still in that "let
Manny win or he cries" phase?
No.
We should get going. Are
we taking separate time streams?
Sure, if we want
to get there yesterday.
Ah, there's something
so relaxing
about a bowl
of green apples.
I already forgot
all my problems.
Did you hear that?
What?
Exactly.
We used WhisperQuiet gliders
in all the drawers.
Oh, really cuts down
on C.N. ...
It's industry jargon
for "closet noise."
Does that technology work
on people, too?
You're right.
I promise ...
No more shop talk.
What is this?
Oh.
Our smoke alarm
went off at home.
I'm sure it's nothing,
but I'm still gonna call Luke
just in case.
And it's straight
to voicemail.
Hello, Manny. We saw
that the smoke alarm went off.
Are you okay?
Oh, God.
Luke's outgoing message
is a long
and vaguely sexist rap.
Okay, Papi.
Stay perfect!
Ay.
Everything is okay.
They were baking cookies
and they burned a batch.
Oh. All right.
Except our oven
isn't working.
Manny would never lie.
You know what?
I am gonna call
for a Russian masseuse.
Their hands are very strong
from wringing laundry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Think about it.
They were very eager
to get us out of the house.
They're up to something.
You are too suspicious.
And you
are too trusting!
Luke's already been arrested
this year.
A few weeks ago,
we caught him with beer.
Even that's a better rap.
I'm hearing a lot of Luke's name
and none of Manny.
You don't think Manny's
up to the same things
when you're not
paying attention?
You're crazy.
Manny hates beer.
A fruity Beaujolais then.
You can do
whatever you want.
I'm gonna go
check on my kid.
I hate how good
those gliders are!
I am so excited.
I feel like a teenager.
Me too.
Although, as Torf the Ancient,
I have seen everything
from the Great Star Explosion
to the Seven Moon Alliance.
Claire was right.
No girls.
Phil?
James!
Hey.
What's up?
I sold this cool cat a house
in the hills last year.
Ah.
Since then, his bluegrass band
has really taken off.
It's so crazy.
We started doing it ironically,
and before we knew it, we
were actually doing it for real.
That happened to me in the '90s
with saying, "Exsqueeze me."
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, I assume from
your Torf the Ancient costume,
and your
pale slave getup...
Not a costume.
that you guys are here to see
"Defenders of Infinity."
Oh, yeah!
Yeah.
Oh, it is
so incredible!
Really?
Yeah.
Hey, if you really want
to be blown away,
I've got two special gummy bears
you can have.
Just one
for each of us?
Believe me.
One is all you need.
I guess we can get more
at the concession stand.
No, they don't sell gummy bears
like these here.
Ohhh.
You get extra cool ones
from Europe or something.
Guys, how are you
not getting this? It's pot.
Ohhhh.
I don't know why,
but I've never tried marijuana.
No.
No, me neither.
Th-There was always
something stopping me ...
needing to take care
of Lily,
the figure-skating
honor code,
not wanting to accidentally tell
everyone in high school
I was gay.
People never offered it to me,
which is weird
because in college, I was
kind of a big man on campus.
I founded
a major organization ...
the National Association
of Responsible Cheerleaders.
Uh, NARCs.
Yeah.
Here. They take 45 minutes
to hit, so take them now,
and you'll be good to go
when the movie starts.
Okay.
Um, you know, if ...
if we ever were gonna try this,
tonight's kind of
the perfect opportunity.
I guess you're right.
No kids.
I'm wearing Velcro sneakers.
Should we?
I've always wanted to know
what it would be like.
Plus, I went
to the gym today.
I deserve a sweet.
Let's do it.
Okay.
I'm shaking.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheersies.
Subtle.
Chew smaller.
'Sup?
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe we're
doing this. This is so exciting.
Uh-oh.
Oh, God. I knew this was
a horrible mistake.
I just got an alert.
Our smoke alarm when off!
It's not coming up.
Okay, okay.
Relax. I'm gonna ... I'm gonna
call Luke, find out what's up.
Yeah.
Voicemail.
This rap's hilarious, though.
Call Claire.
She's not home.
We're gonna have to
check this out.
No, come on.
Those alerts are always nothing.
Plus...
our crime.
Listen, we have
assigned seats
and 45 minutes
till this kicks in.
That gives us plenty of time
to Uber home,
make sure everything's fine,
touch up my veins, and get back.
I'll set an alarm so we know
exactly when it hits.
No, you're right. Lily's there.
Yes, yes. Let's go.
Plus, we're not gonna
want to deal with this
when we're high
and paranoid.
Oh. Oh, God.
Do you think the paranoia
will be bad?
(bell dings,
boxing announcer talking on TV)
So, how's
the closet business?
I retired two months ago.
Right. Right.
Uh, getting our carpets cleaned
next month.
Oh, come on.
That's ridiculous.
Hernandez has this fight
in the bag.
Yeah, it's gonna be
such a cakewalk.
He shouldn't even
be getting paid for it.
Can you believe
these guys?
Hey, no disrespect, but
if O'Brien's even halfway sober,
he takes
Hernandez apart.
Yeah, he's got
a better reach, better jab,
and I haven't seen feet
that fast since Riverdance.
You guys seem
pretty confident.
Uh, care to make
a friendly $10 bet?
We'll take it.
Easiest money I ever made.
Yeah.
You're crazy.
O'Brien is a mook.
Well, Hernandez is
a palooka.
I'd rather be a palooka
than a mook.
Well, that's a lot of talk
coming from a couple jabronis.
Cam, calm down.
We're just having fun here.
Really?
That's ... That's the line?
What happened?
Damn it!
O'Brien knocked him out!
Already?
We missed the whole thing!
We're backed up
in the kitchen.
Sorry, guys.
Your food's gonna be a while.
I thought about leaving,
but I didn't want
to make Jay feel bad.
I had a sandwich coming.
I told you.
Nothing!
A little too much nothing,
if you ask me.
Hey, what are you guys
doing here?
I forgot my slippers.
Doesn't the hotel
have slippers?
I'll be
asking the questions.
How did you manage
to burn chocolate-chip cookies
in an oven
that doesn't work?
Oh, Manny
meant pancakes.
We're making
chocolate-chip pancakes.
You see?
Now, let's go.
Somebody named Olga should be
salting me like a pretzel!
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Is everything okay?
Oh, yes.
It was just a false alarm.
Well, then we should probably
get back to the theater.
Those pre-movie
trivia questions
aren't gonna answer themselves,
are they?
Actually, they do.
Wait a minute!
What the hell is
going on...
here, huh?
Yep.
I smell cheap beer.
Someone's been having a party.
Claire, you're
just being crazy.
Take a look around!
Nothing is going on!
There is no party!
Everyone just be cool!
See that story
about the one-armed golfer?
No.
Yeah, well,
it's this guy and he's...
Well, I guess that's it.
He's ... He's a one-armed golfer.
Oh.
How backed up
is that kitchen?
Hey!
These guys!
Hey, you rascals.
Get over here.
We're on our way out.
No! Don't you want a chance
to win your money back?
It's 5 bucks each.
We're good.
No! Come on!
It'll be fun.
Dude,
you're hurting my arm.
No, a game of foosball,
double or nothing.
I don't think ...
You're on!
Let's go!
Phil, uh,
how long do we have?
17 minutes.
Till the movie,
is what we're talking about.
We're just two guys
seeing a movie.
No one's leaving here until
we get to the bottom of this.
Oh, my God.
Somebody give me a back rub!
Manny! Luke!
Get in here!
You guys go search the house.
Find something suspicious.
Is this gonna be like
loading the dishwasher?
First I load it,
then you reload it?
Wouldn't it be faster
if you actually ...
Phil, go!
What's so important?
I'm sitting for my portrait.
Oh, knock it off.
I know you two threw a party.
I don't "throw"
a party, Claire.
It's true.
He can't throw anything.
And if I were hosting
an event,
where did I put
the ice sculpture?
Where did I stash
the hors d'oeuvres?
Where did I hide
the jazz trio?
Good question, considering you
couldn't even hide...
the Solo.
Nice wordplay, Mom,
but that cup's been there
for like three days.
I didn't want to say anything
'cause I thought it was yours.
Yeah.
It was bold.
But those kids upstairs weren't
gonna stay quiet forever.
I was one
dead phone battery away
from a conversation
breaking out.
Sure, throwing a party
was a risk,
but two hot exchange students
just started at our school.
Best part is,
they don't understand
just how uncool we are.
Yet.
So, we were walking
down the hallway
when we stopped
by the locker ...
Ohh, pizza day.
Mmm.
That's our
personal trainer.
He hates it
when we eat carbs.
We had a short window.
We needed to impress them fast.
So, we bribed Lily with
all the soda she could drink
and threw a party.
It was going great
until someone set off the alarm
because he just had to smoke
his dorky pipe.
Dorky? Yeah, because Hugh Hefner
doesn't get girls.
I love you, too, Mommy.
All clear, party people!
I told her
we were baking cookies.
Dude,
our oven's broken.
My mom's definitely gonna
get suspicious and check on us.
That means
my mom's coming, too.
I'll get everyone
to leave,
you get rid of the beer
and your idea of a spread.
Wait.
We're not giving up yet.
The beer pong tournament
just started,
the girls are laughing
at all of our jokes,
and they think we're friends
with guys like Tommy Cutahee.
Great party, Lewis.
Thanks, Tommy.
From now on, I'm Lewis.
We're going to get caught
if we do nothing.
What if we hide everyone
long enough
for my mom to check on us
and then leave?
It's not worth it.
Guys, when do we play
Seven Hours in Heaven?
Moving the party upstairs,
people!
Okay. No one's here.
Okay.
Is that
your watch alarm?
We have to
get out of here!
I do not want to be high
in front of Claire!
Wait.
I think
I'm feeling something.
Oh, no.
What are you feeling?
Nice.
Oh, God.
Are you
feeling anything?
No.
Then why are you leaning
like that?
I'm not leaning.
Maybe you're leaning
so it looks like I'm leaning.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Phil, what are you doing?
Still searching!
Anything suspicious?
Say nothing.
Okay.
Phil?
Answer her!
You said "say nothing."
I mean say
the word "nothing."
Word.
Nothing!
That was so good.
Thanks, man.
Okay, Phillip.
Focus.
We have to finish
searching this house
before we start
acting weird or...
Yeah.
Nothing!
That was so great.
Yeah, I learned
from the best.
Come on, you jerk. Get in there,
you son of a bitch!
Oh, yeah, baby.
Here we go.
That's what your sister
said last night
when I was banging her.
What?
Aw, damn it, Vic!
Cam was banging Vic's sister.
Classic!
Oh,
just hit it already.
That's what your sister said
to Cam last night
when he was banging her.
Did I do it?
You're so good!
Yes!
Manny, Manny... Manny.
How did we get here?
You're a good kid.
You didn't have anything
to do with this.
You were in the wrong place
at the wrong time. Am I right?
But someone's going down
for this.
You think it'll be
the white kid? Hmm?
Psst! Claire!
What are you doing?
I am trying
to get to the truth.
The only way I'm gonna find out
what really happened here
is to get those two clowns
to turn on each other.
Nothing happened here!
And even if it had,
Manny's not gonna rat out
his best friend!
I think I'm gonna take the deal.
No!
You cave,
we don't stand a chance
with those
exchange students.
Those girls don't respect
weak, little nerds
afraid of being punished
by their mommies.
They've
lived through wars.
They're from Portugal!
Whoa. I heard something.
Did you hear something?
No.
Am I screaming
right now?
No.
Okay.
Stay cool.
We're almost out of here.
All clear.
Let's just check
Luke's room.
Then we can tell Claire
we didn't find anything.
Okay, there's two ways
we can play this.
Okay.
Okay, if we tell
Claire about those kids,
we're gonna have to stay here
and punish Manny
and the, uh ...
the other one.
That's no good!
I don't think we can hide
our crime!
Well, then what if
we don't tell her?
Does ... Does that make us
bad parents?
Or are we bad parents
because we're punishing our kids
while we are high?
We're bad parents
either way!
This is a nightmare.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, cupcake!
Do I call her "cupcake"?
Don't worry,
I'll make it normal.
What's going on, cupcake?
Are you guys okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, we're okay.
Why wouldn't we be okay?
Cupcake.
I was so drunk,
I thought they were stoned.
Luke... Luke... Luke.
Keeping a secret like this
is tough ...
eats away
at a man's soul.
Mom,
I have one question ...
Why do you hate
yourself?
What?
You have one night in a spa
to be massaged and pampered,
but you're here.
Why don't you think
you deserve happiness?
That's the mystery
I'm interested in solving today.
What is that?
That is the sound
of a party, Gloria, huh?
Ay, Manny!
Tomorrow's gonna be one awkward
mother/son mambo class.
Oh, boom!
Next up,
I paddle your mother.
Dad.
Claire!
Hey, this is
my actual daughter.
You came up
a few times tonight.
So has my "wife."
What are you doing here?
We ran out of games to bet on
at the bar.
Claire... there's something
we have to tell you.
What did we decide
to do again?
We, uh...
We're g...
We're gonna need a minute.
I told you there was nothing
going on with the boys.
You're right.
Boys, I apologize.
We can confirm
that there's
nothing suspicious anywhere.
Sorry about
your table, Lewis.
I have another party.
Oh, I knew it!
I knew these two
were up to something.
What do you think about
your precious Manny now, huh?
I am sure
it was Luke's idea!
But do not give up
on him yet.
I know that there is a camp
up in the mountains
where you can send
bad kids.
No, it was
my idea, too.
I'm the one who set off
the smoke alarm.
I'm the one who bribed Lily
with soda.
I'm the one who put a red
light bulb in the laundry room
to give it a sexy vibe.
You've got to stop thinking of
me as your perfect little boy.
Honey.
There's a party upstairs.
Party upstairs.
I cannot believe
that my baby lied to me.
I cannot believe
my baby accepted a bribe.
I'd be more concerned
with how natural she is
with that bottle
in her hands.
Okay.
I shouldn't trust my kid
so much.
I have to be more like Claire
and not trust anybody.
I didn't want to be right,
but I am.
So
here we are.
At least
we still have Alex.
You guys don't have
any good kids,
so who's the bad parent
now, huh?
Nobody.
Phil, no, don't.
No, no.
I got this.
Claire, I know
why you're always worried.
Because you don't know
what's going to happen.
It's called fear of the future,
or "fof" or "fotf."
But spoiler alert ...
It's gonna be great.
Guys, I have two words
for you ...
think about time travel.
If you could go forward in time
and turn around
and look at this moment,
we would say,
"This is all super chill."
Our kids are good people.
They turn out great.
Phil's right.
Really?
Oh, t-then here's
something, too.
When I was younger,
I never thought I would be here.
And here I am.
What the hell
does that mean?
Oh, God.
Look,
you got to relax.
They're going to be fine.
People have a way
of surprising you.
Yes, you see, we had
our own journey tonight ...
an unlikely duo
thrust together.
Not your moment, Cam.
Oh, right.
I'll send a group e-mail.
Honey, don't worry.
You're better parents
than Dede and I ever were,
and you turned out
all right.
Thanks, Dad.
But what do we do now?
Are we just supposed to
let these kids off the hook
because we were as bad
as they are?
No.
We'll be hypocrites.
Mm.
Like all parents!
Luke! Manny!
Get your asses in here!
Also, am I the only one
that sees
that these two idiots
are high as kites?
Mitchell?
Oh, my God.
She is still going.
How much soda
did she have?
You know, when you and Mitchell
first got together,
you used to ask me
to do a lot of stuff.
I was new to the family,
and I ...
I really wanted you
to like me.
But I always seemed to be
too much, too demonstrative,
too dramatic...
so I stopped.
Well, I had fun tonight.
I wouldn't mind
if you still chased me
a little bit sometimes.
Oh, Jay.
Get in here.
It's going too fast.
I'm ... I'm sorry.
Baby steps.
No, the treadmill's about to
launch her through the drywall.
Lily!
Daddy!
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