Hey.
That staycation beard's
really taking shape, dad.
It's starting to trap food.
Yep.
It's gone from itchin'
to bitchin'.
And you're still rocking
the sweats.
Every day this week.
Same underwear?
What underwear?
Hold that thought.
Do I have to?
Mayor's office.
City of Phila-Dunphy-a.
I'm sorry.
I just got done.
My computer crashed,
and we got four pallets
of hinges from Taiwan
with faulty riveting.
At least
your story's riveting.
It's clever.
I'll tell you later.
Hey, why is the minivan
in the driveway?
You parked me in
this morning.
I was running late
for a meeting,
so I just took Haley's Corolla.
Fun.
Would be
if it didn't smell like
the inside of
Bob Marley's laundry hamper.
Anyway, I've got
a bunch more calls to make.
I'm not gonna have time
to cook tonight.
We could go out.
There's that new restaurant ...
Sliders.
The gimmick is
they built it on a slant,
and the waiters
all wear socks.
That doesn't sound good at all.
Can you just order something?
Yeah, you got it.
Great.
What are you doing?
Run away, little dog.
Fine.
Go around you.
You're not gonna move.
'Cause I'm not stopping for you.
I'm stopping for you.
Damn. Ohh!
Move it!
Seriously?
(gear shift clicks,
seat belt clicks)
Don't forget you have to watch
Joe while we have company.
Again?
Yes, again.
What is the problem?
He always wants to watch his
show "Mystery Kidz," with a "Z."
It's insufferable.
Now you know what I felt
when I had to watch
your favorite show.
"Masterpiece Theater"?
It was hosted
by a creepy puppet.
That was Alan Cumming.
Ay, Jay, you have to add
two more chairs.
For who?
It's us, the McClouds,
and the Sharps.
I also invited my friend Dana
and her husband, Reece.
Reece?
Who's Reece?
I just told you.
Dana's husband.
I met her
at the PTA lunch,
and she's the only woman
in the anti-bullying campaign
that I don't want
to punch in the face.
Why would I want
these people in my house
messing up
my poker game?
Maybe you'll meet
new friends.
We've been over this before.
I don't want any new friends.
I have the exact-right
number of friends.
Jay, your friends
have been around
since before
the movies could talk.
I don't think
it's the worst idea
to start getting
some backups.
Hey, daddy, what's
a lowest common denominator?
Reality TV.
That's hilarious,
but I've got a quiz
tomorrow.
Uh...
What is that noise?
Let me remind you
that it's been weeks
since we've had a tenant
up there.
So you rented it
to a rock band?
A Christian rock band.
Oh, good. Okay, so they're
noisy and judge-y.
Shame on you and your narrow,
big-city attitude.
I've known many accepting
people of faith.
And I've been chased
into a lake.
So I guess we're both
entitled to our opinion.
Oh, oh, oh ... No!
Okay. Guys.
Absolutely not.
Come in.
Hey.
This is Mitchell,
and the music sounds great.
Just wondering if you could
turn it down a-a skosh.
Yeah, of course.
We're sorry.
Just giving the guy upstairs
a taste of our new song.
He means God.
Really?
There's no third floor
I don't know about?
We love the place,
by the way.
It's just scrumptious.
Good! Good!
So, you guys are
a Christian rock band?
Water to Wine.
Yeah, that's us.
Well, I hope
you're not expecting
to bring all your groupies
back here.
Don't worry.
The Soldiers of the Lamb
Church
forbids
premarital relations.
- Mm.
- Of course.
But I can think
of a few ladies
I wouldn't mind
multiplying with
after our elders give us
their blessings.
I heard that.
Oh!
We love girls!
As long as you guys are here,
I need an outsider's opinion.
I'm working on a song,
but these guys think
it's too soft.
Do you mind?
Um... lay it on us, bro.
Okay.
Aw, dang it, Dex,
you're bumming me out!
Whoa.
Calm down, Coop.
Just 'cause
we're in the city
doesn't mean
we got to talk like it.
I'm so sorry.
You know what, Dex?
I like that song.
Yeah.
What's the title?
I call it
"A Cry for Help."
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I'm standing right here.
You're back again?
Oh. Missed you, too.
Sanjay's home this weekend.
It's kind of a big day for us ...
our first anniversary.
Look what I got him.
It's a hadrosaur metacarpal
for his dinosaur bone
collection.
Too much?
Well, what's the equivalent gift
if you guys were normal?
Like, a Starbucks card
or a Rolex?
Kind of like
a really nice microscope.
You're not helping.
I thought the gift
for a first nerd anniversary
was inhaler.
Hey.
Where's your dad?
Upstairs. Why?
- You got us a dog?
No, no!
It's a stray,
and we are not
keeping him.
Be quiet.
Your dad cannot know
he's here.
If he sees him,
he'll get all attached,
and there's no
getting rid of it.
Oh, it'll be like Luke
all over again.
At least they were married
when they had me.
You ruined mom's life.
Hmm.
Stop.
I am now very happy
I have all of you.
But I just can't take care
of another living creature.
Then why'd
you bring it home?
I couldn't leave it
in the street.
Claire, is that you?
Take care of it.
I'm not gonna kill a dog.
Hide it in your room.
Is that what I think
it is?
Uh, no.
Yeah, pizza's here.
Oh.
How you doing?
What was that?
I'm the pizza monster!
It's this new character
I'm doing.
I love it.
I really love it.
I didn't really love it.
It felt a little close
to my Chicken Pot Pirate.
It's a mystery.
Who's that?
Noni.
She can be invisible.
- Who's that?
- Gogo.
He can jump
off of buildings.
This is the most unrealistic
show I've ever seen.
Who's that?
Yes, great.
I will open the gate.
Reece. Probably can't
even work a gate.
Maybe you'll like him.
He's the Kings' dentist.
Well, hoity-toity.
I'm the emperor's closet maker.
The L.A. Kings hockey team.
Kings' dentist.
Why does he say it like that?
What, is he trying
to be all fancy?
He didn't say anything.
I said it.
- Hi!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Dana, Reece,
this is my husband, Jay.
- Hi. Jay. Pleasure.
- Hello.
- Hi, Reece. How are you?
- Hey, Jay.
Dana, come with me
to the kitchen
while the boys
get to know each other.
All right.
Did you hear
they're thinking
of eliminating cursive
at the school?
All of it,
or just the "F" word?
I brought you
some Scotch.
Wow. That's quite a bottle.
Thank you.
Mm.
Hey, Gloria tells me
you're the Kings' dentist.
Well, when you say it like that,
it sounds so hoity-toity.
- Why don't we crack that open?
And do you have
any Cohiba Robustos?
Oh, I wish, but, you know,
they're impossible to find.
Hmm.
Well, look at that.
I just found two.
Okay, the guy wasn't all bad,
but I couldn't let Gloria know
or it would open the door
for a whole bunch of new things
I don't want to do ...
Trendy restaurants,
movies about how women feel
about crap.
And who needs it?
As if this week
wasn't bad enough,
now my hardware supplier
in Brussels is flip-flopping.
Sounds like you're dealing
with a real Belgian waffle.
Is that a dog?
What? No.
That sounds like a dog.
You will do anything
to avoid hearing me talk
about work, won't you?
I'm ... I'm just gonna go
cool off downstairs.
Yep.
Honey?
She is right.
Sometimes I don't listen.
That's what she said, right?
That I don't listen?
How did you get out?
Oh, come on, now.
Shhhhhhh.
- Honey?
Sweetheart?
- Hmm?
I am so sorry.
It's fine, Phil, really.
Just go back to bed.
I just... need some time
to myself.
Y-You know I cry when you cry.
I'll be upstairs.
Ohh!
You okay?
It's just ...
It's been a lot.
I love you.
Hey, Dex.
How are you?
You okay?
Yeah, I was just admiring
your garden.
Hey, come on in.
So, uh,
where is the rest of the gang?
Oh, they're out
on a prayer jog.
Ah.
It's not really my thing.
Oh.
Is ... Is that something
that happens a lot
where ... where you feel
different?
Hi, Dex.
Hey, Mitchell.
Hi.
Can I have you help me over here
for just a second?
Uh, okay.
Ohh.
What are you doing?
He was clearly
reaching out.
He was admiring
our garden.
Nobody admires our garden.
It's a dead cactus
with a grocery bag stuck to it.
What is going on with you?
You're the one
who never wants
to get involved
in people's lives.
Don't you see?
He feels trapped
by those guys.
Oh, the big,
bad Bible thumpers?
Here we go again.
I'm just saying
you could read his song
"A Cry for Help"
as a cry for help.
Mitchell, I'm sorry
you got chased into a lake,
but some of the kindest,
most loving,
generous people I've ever known
were churchgoers.
Just...
Come ...
Hey, Dex, do you mind if I make
a personal observation?
If it's about my hips,
blame my mother.
No, no.
It's ... It's about the song
that you sang yesterday.
It seemed like you were trying
to express something ...
some feelings
you might be having
that you think
might not be met with approval
from your..."community."
Or it's just a song.
Has nothing to do
with his personal situation.
- No, it does.
- Ha! Ha!
I'm ... I'm sorry.
Your pain is real.
I just feel so guilty.
I know people
will be disappointed.
No, no,
don't feel guilty.
Look, the first step
is to say it out loud.
I don't want
to be a drummer.
Okay,
now say the other thing.
I don't want
to be in a band anymore.
I miss home.
I miss my girlfriend.
- I'm sorry. Whoa. What?
- I'm sorry. Your what?
It's like a weight
has been lifted.
Thank you so much, guys.
You know, I was just
gonna stay inside today,
but I'm really glad
I came out.
He doesn't get
to say that.
Oh, hey, Joe.
Uh, there's a new
"Mystery Kidz" on.
No, thanks.
"No, thanks"?
Aren't you curious who stole
Poco's magic wings?
Not really.
But everyone's a suspect.
The watchmaker hates Poco,
and Mayor Pudding would do
anything to stay in office.
How could you not want
to see what happens?
Hello?
Uh, yes.
Hold on.
Jay, it's Reece.
You see, Gloria?
Now he's calling me.
This is what
I was afraid of.
He called.
My new friend called.
He's taking me
to a hockey game.
Great.
Now I'm stuck going to some
boring charity event with Reece.
You see what your mom
got me into?
Jay, come on.
Keep an open mind.
All we're saying is
give Reece a chance.
Rex.
Scooby.
Clifford.
What are you doing?
Trying to figure out
his name.
What about dad?
Here, Dad.
Nope.
You do not need
to figure out his name
because we're going
to put these fliers up,
and someone's gonna call.
What happened to the dinosaur
bone I got for Sanjay?
I saw Snoop...
burying something
in the backyard.
And you didn't do anything?
I opened the door
for him.
That bone lasted
65 million years,
and it can't even last
one day in this house?
- Claire.
- Oh, my God, your father!
The dog ... outside!
Outside!
Yeah, honey?
Sweetheart,
about last night.
Uh-huh.
Because I didn't listen
with these two ears...
Yes.
I want to apologize
with these tu-lips.
Oh, that is very ...
That's so sweet of you.
- Oh.
- Thank you, baby.
Great.
Oh, is that a tortilla chip
right there?
Yeah ... Oh.
Hola,
amigo from yesterday.
You're not gonna eat that,
are you?
No,
that would be disgusting.
Oh, good.
What are these?
Oh, that's a ...
It's a...
It's a protein snack.
You don't have to eat that
if you don't like it.
No.
I like it.
Good.
It's ... It's liver-y.
Ah.
You take such good care
of us.
Thanks, honey.
Should get those flowers
in a vase.
No, Phil.
Oh!
Not that vase.
Look at me!
Really look at me.
I feel like I am.
Mnh-mnh.
You're just not getting it,
are you?
I'm sorry.
I need some alone time.
Oh.
Hi.
Sorry for knocking on your door
so persistently,
but we can't find Dex,
and all his matching luggage
is gone.
Do you have any idea
where he is?
I don...
I don't know, Mitchell.
Weren't you the last person
to talk to him?
And we haven't got
much time.
If we don't have
a drummer,
we're gonna have to cancel
the gig.
Well, the Lord works
in mysterious ways.
Don't even...
I ... Mm.
Aah,
this is devastating.
If we don't play,
we won't get paid,
and we don't have
enough money to get home.
Hey, you don't know
what Dex is going through.
One hath to be true
to the way one was born.
Okay,
you can't just add "hath"
and pretend
it was in the Bible.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we better call
the venue and cancel the gig.
Oh, boy, well, you know.
I could be your drummer.
Oh, God, here we go.
- Really? You play?
- Swear to G-dash-D.
Just play me a few bars.
I can pick it up, follow along.
Oh!
Mr. Cameron,
thank you so much.
You kind of remind me
of another special someone
who made a pretty big sacrifice
to save us.
Please, do not compare me
to your ...
Mr. Bernie Kaufman,
our manager.
He burnt down his shoe store
to pay for our first demo.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Oh, God, you take the dog,
and I'll clean this up, okay?
Oh.
Okay.
Honey,
I got some vase options.
What happened?
Um
what do you think
happened?
I think
she saw those flowers
as the shallow,
transparent gesture they were
and shredded them to pieces
in a justifiable rage.
Yep.
What have I done
to upset her so much?
Maybe you should look
in a mirror
and ask yourself
that question.
Sweet Teen Wolf,
what have I become?
You see that guy?
I have done
so much work on his mouth
that he's paid
for the hot tub on my boat.
Hey.
Did Kopitar
just wave to you?
It's the least he can do.
I'm taking him out fishing
this weekend in Catalina.
Hey, hey,
you want to come?
Oh, my God,
I'd love to go.
Oh, but...
What?
Last night,
before you got there,
Gloria and I
got in a big to-do
about me not needing
new friends.
Oh, and now you don't want
to admit you were wrong.
Wow, do you get me.
Well, it's supposed to be
perfect whale-watching weather,
and, uh, oh, yeah,
Gretzky's coming, too.
The Great One?
Not at sharing
the binoculars, he isn't.
It's killing me I can't go!
Well,
here's a crazy idea.
Why don't you tell
your wife the truth
and admit
you were wrong?
You don't get me
like I thought you did.
Or...?
Fine.
I'll level with her.
Wow!
What is going on?
Ohh, good,
you're not dad.
So,
how'd it go with Sanjay?
Did he remember
your anniversary?
You tell me.
After I gave him the fossil,
he gave me this
for romantic weekends
up at Stanford.
It looks kind of used.
Do you think it's possible
he forgot
and just grabbed
the first thing that he s...
Shut up!
He loves me!
I can't believe
I haven't gotten
a single call.
I must have put up
a thousand fliers.
Hey, guys.
Honey.
- Claire.
- Yeah.
- I want to talk to you.
- Mm-hmm.
I am so sorry.
Mm.
I don't listen.
I try to solve problems
with flowers.
I do unflattering impressions
of you for my friends.
And worst of all,
I let myself go.
So I shaved
and put on a suit.
Oh, honey.
What's that?
What? Oh.
Um, uh...
Oh, my God.
You packed a suitcase.
You need some time away.
I guess all this was...
too little, too late.
Well, not the spray tan.
That was too much, too long.
I think the nozzle
was broken.
You're getting this all wrong,
and it's all my fault.
Okay, look, I have been
trying to distract you, yes,
but because I have been thinking
about what was good for me
and not what might
be good for you.
So I have no idea
if we're ever gonna find out
who his real owner is,
but if we don't,
you can keep him.
Why would I want
the Tanksley's dog?
What?
This is Buddy.
You know
the Tanksley's over on Clifton?
I sold them their house.
Oh, thank God.
But if you're open
to me getting a pet...
Yeah. Of course.
Get a dog.
No, I don't want a dog.
I want a cockatoo
to take Rollerblading.
How cool would that be
sitting on my shoulder
my half shirt
flapping in the wind?
You're not getting
a bird.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
People that have birds
and walk around
with them on their shoulders ...
They look ridiculous.
It's obviously
a desperate cry for attention.
Okay.
Now I need
some time to myself.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're watching
"Mystery Kidz."
You said
you didn't want to.
Not with you.
You ask too many questions.
That's rude.
I was only watching
as a courtesy.
What just happened?
Wait, who's that?
Gloria.
How was the charity event?
I have to talk to you
about something.
What?
I owe you an apology.
I have to go to Cleveland
this weekend
for my Aunt Bea's funeral.
Nice old lady.
Fell off a cliff.
I'll ... I'll go with you.
I'll start packing right now.
No, no, no. You stay here
with Joe and Manny.
I'll send you a snow globe.
Hey, did we have
an extra pair of binoculars?
I saw a weird bird
outside.
Stop with the lies.
I really don't
understand men.
Why can't you just admit
that you were wrong?
It's not a weakness.
It's a strength,
and I would love you
and respect you more.
Fine.
I like Reece,
and I want to go away with him.
I knew it!
I was right,
and you were wrong!
From now on, we're gonna do
new things all the time.
Tomorrow we're going
to an Ethiopian restaurant,
and then we're gonna
watch a movie
about a love letter
that arrived 30 years late
and changed the life
of two women.
Can I bring Reece?
No!
Hey, everyone, let's gather
for the preshow prayer.
Ooh!
Kind of like Madonna
and her backup dancers.
Mr. Mitchell,
would you like to join us?
Oh, I'm good.
Thank you.
All right.
Heavenly Father,
we ask that you make
this show super-amazing
for all of our fans,
and we pray for Dex.
Lord,
please guide him.
Give him strength.
And let him know
that we love and accept him
no matter what.
Mitchell,
did you hear that?
Hey, you know what?
Let me in there.
All right!
I have ... I have been
a little judgmental, haven't I?
So...
Go ahead.
Amen.
Let's do this.
- Break a leg!
- Thank you!
Oh.
Here.
What's this?
If the mood strikes you,
why don't you join us
onstage,
make some joyful noise?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Water to Wine!
One, two, three, four.
I'm just saying
that maybe,
before you join
the French resistance,
you walk the 15 feet
to your neighbor's house
and ask her did she get
your damn love letter.
For someone that says
that they don't want
to talk about the movie,
that's all you seem
to be talking about.
Anything is better than putting
this yellow mush in my mouth.
Yeah, maybe if you opened up
your mind,
you would see that this
is actually delicious.
Mm-mmm!
It was disgusting,
but I could never let Jay know
that he was right.
Food wasn't terrible.
And if I'm being honest,
the movie
sort of stayed with me.
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