Hey, thank you.
Here's an Andrew Jackson.
Make a clean set
of sheets happen,
I'll introduce you
to his twin brother.
You don't have to do the banter,
but what's it cost me?
Manny, it was a great idea
to come on the train.
Rail is the last bastion
of respectable travel
now that every airport has
become a sweat-pant convention.
We are all
traveling to Portland
because Jay's ex-wife, Dede,
is getting remarried.
We're so happy.
For us.
It means the end of those
damn alimony payments,
so I'm gonna make sure
Dede goes through with it.
It'll be, "I do,"I do,"
"I'm done."
How much
choice action
are we gonna get
on this trip?
I'm managing
my expectations.
Don't you know anything
about trains?
Chicks go crazy.
The vibrations
get them all worked up.
Also, they're trapped,
which is nice.
Hey.
We're just gonna
go bang out
this toast for Mom.
Yeah. Shouldn't have waited
till the last minute.
It'll be a nice distraction
from your motion sickness.
It's good, as long
as I'm not facing backwards
when the train is ...
Oh, God, no.
Lead me.
All right, I got it.
There you go. Fixed point.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, it can't be.
What? No, it's not
a bald spot.
I slept on it funny
last night.
No. The guy two rows back.
Oh, my...
That's Simon Ha...
Hastings.
Oh, my ...
You're a fan of his, too?
Oh, my ... He's my favorite
author. Don't tell Mitchell,
but I was so engrossed
in his last book,
I didn't feed Lily
for a day and a half.
Wait a second.
Simon Hastings
is the genius behind
the Silverton
mystery novels.
"Dismembers Only."
"A Death of Fresh Air."
The world has been waiting
for the final book
of the trilogy
for almost,
what, 10 years?
I missed it so much, I took
a stab at writing fan fiction.
What?
I put Silverton in the harrowing
world of real estate
with
"Open House, Closed Casket."
Goose bumps.
Hey!
We hate to bother you,
but you are our favorite author.
Gentlemen,
the words are all out there.
I just arrange them in
a financially rewarding way.
Droll is what
that is. Droll.
Classic Hastings.
That by any chance
isn't the ...
the next Silverton novel,
is it?
You mean
"Locomotive for Murder"?
Crackerjack.
It's not even out yet,
and I'm sad about finishing it.
Well, I hope you won't be
disappointed.
Lovely to meet you.
What's your process?
Are the characters
just speaking through you?
How important is plot?
Here's an idea ...
how would you two like
to sit quietly
and read the first chapter?
Oh...
What?
my...
What?
God.
What?
Rest assured.
Your treasure
is in good hands.
We are also members
of the artistic community.
Clown.
Magician.
Ugh.
Nope.
What?
We're on a train,
and I'm embracing
a romantic style of travel.
I get it, and I love it.
Wonderful
Victorian tea hat.
Thank you.
Top-notch travel derby.
Ma'am.
See you at high tea.
He acts like someone
with low "T."
Ah.
Ugh, I forgot my magazines
when I was buying gum.
Oh, it's hard to do
two things at once.
You got an extra book?
Well, I'm re-reading
"Jane Eyre,"
but I've got "Anna Karenina"
on deck.
What you got?
"Hurricane Harriet."
It's mostly pictures.
Sold. Move over.
So, what's
Harriet's deal?
She's a ditzy girl who causes
problems for everyone,
but never realizes it.
Doesn't sound
very realistic.
Ah, do you guys know
where the bathroom is?
Oh, back there.
Isn't it that way?
Doesn't matter.
First-class ticket,
please.
I just came
looking for the bathroom.
My ticket is in my seat.
Do you have any idea how many
times a day I hear that?
Just go back
where you came from.
Go back
where I came from?
Okay.
I see how it is.
So, Harriet
just sent those people
right into a bear cave?
She never knows
what she's doing.
What an idiot.
Excuse me.
You mind if I sit here?
Uh, no.
You have a beautiful smile.
Thanks.
They make fun of you
for wearing your headgear,
but, hey, look at me now.
Tickets?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, honey,
do you have my ticket?
No.
I'm pretty sure I gave you
my ticket, babe.
Sorry, babe.
Back to coach.
I forgive you.
Come find me.
"Mom has always been
a free spirit."
"She has also helped to free
a lot of spirits from bottles
'cause the woman's
a boozehound!" Hello!
Yeah, I'm not
gonna put that in.
Uh, how about this one?
"The secret to her
chocolate-chip cookies
was a dash of salt ..."
"And two scoops of crazy
because the lady's imbalanced."
Hello!
Claire, this is toast,
not a roast.
Are you uncomfortable because,
for the first time in your life,
you have to be
the straight man? Hello!
Saying "hello" doesn't make
mean things funny.
I like it.
Well, you don't get
to decide.
How come you
get to decide?
'Cause Mom asked me
and not you.
I included you
because I felt bad.
That's fine.
I don't care.
You can do it yourself.
I don't care.
Claire.
Wait.
Nope.
This is a $20.
When my wife shows up later,
"iced tea" means Scotch.
Grandpa,
do you think it's weird
Nana invited you
to her wedding?
I think it's the least-weird
thing Dede's ever done.
Well, if she was so bad,
why'd you ever marry her?
We were young.
She was cute, but the constant
nuttiness of Dede
wore me down,
robbed me of my will to live.
One day, she pushed me
off the edge.
I ran out of the house.
They found me shirtless
in the local fire station.
Excuse me.
This, uh, Dede
that you're speaking of ...
um, is that Dede Pritchett,
by chance?
Do you know her?
She's marrying my father.
You're kidding.
No. We're traveling
to the wedding right now...
if there is one.
I've got to call Dad.
I told you
that woman was off.
Just ridiculous.
I'm gonna need $18 back.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.
Um, do you know ... have
they developed a cure yet?
For what?
A blown mind ...
because we have two of them.
You're too kind.
Oh, thank you.
We are just dying to know
how the conductor got
all the way from the front to
the back, kill the ambassador,
and not be seen?
There's an escape hatch
in the control room.
Oh.
He climbs up,
crawls his way across
the top of the train
to the caboose.
There, his feet firmly planted,
thanks to magnetic shoes,
he hangs down,
shoots the ambassador,
then crawls back
the way he came.
That is so ingenious.
How does he avoid
the video cameras?
Yeah.
I beg your pardon.
On top of the train.
He's on a train
that doesn't have any cameras.
Oh, no, they all have cameras
now ... Big Brother.
I just read an article
about it in Rail World,
the magazine
in your seat pocket ...
also a great interview
with amateur conductor
Valerie Bertinelli.
Well, if that's true,
then the murder isn't possible.
And if the ambassador
is still alive,
then there's no reason for
Silverton to be in Nigeria.
And if that's the case,
he's not at the coup,
which means the whole thing
doesn't work.
Dear God, I have no book.
Oh.
I have no book!
Now I wish I hadn't
circled the typos.
What are you still doing here?
Go find him.
I don't know.
Come on, it's
a better love story
than the one you're reading.
You're the beautiful,
high-class, smart girl,
and he's the poor boy
duct-taping his shoes
with a bunch of hobos
in coach.
It's a $20 difference.
Alex, you got this.
Trains make guys crazy.
When were you
ever on a train?
In Vegas,
between my plane
and the luggage area.
Stuff went down.
Fine. I'll go for it.
Oh, wait.
Nope.
Manny likes hats,
doesn't he?
Ooh, someone's
still got a crush.
I'm not proud of it.
I tried to get past it.
But, you know, trains.
Well, I think you look cute,
and I bet he would, too.
Hey, you pervs.
Let me guess ... shoulders tired
from striking out so hard?
It's still early.
Ooh, I see a dime piece
over there.
That means she's a 10.
Yeah. I speak d-bag.
Luke, she's a little old.
Hey, Jennifer Lopez
is like 90.
Doesn't mean I don't pretend
she's my pillow
every now and then.
How does he have prospects?
If it makes you
feel any better,
that one's
got a big crush on you.
I guess I shouldn't
have been surprised.
I've always sensed
a little heat from Alex.
A woman doesn't
compliment a man on his hat
unless she wants
to get into his blazer.
Hey.
Peace offering?
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry I told you
that Mom picked me
for the toast and not you.
It's just that...
I've always had
a special relationship
with her.
Sure, like the one between
a witch and her flying monkey.
Don't do that. Don't use
"The Wizard of Oz" against me.
Mom manipulates you.
She uses you
against the rest of us.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, God, if only I could
think of an example.
Oh, wait,
here's one of 30.
She blew off Alex's graduation,
but she didn't tell us.
She made you do it so we would
all dump on you instead of her.
And now she bans me
from giving a toast,
and we're fighting about it.
Come on. She's using you
like a human shield.
Does that seem like
a healthy relationship?
Why don't you give that
some thought
while you're getting me
a refill?
When did you
even drink that?
You've been talking
the whole time.
Fine.
I don't get anything.
No...
Hey, pal.
Before you call your dad,
what I was saying about Dede
was me just covering up
because I lost
the greatest, most stable person
I've ever known.
But you seemed so angry.
It's because
I can't get over her.
I've tried everything ...
therapy, pills, electricity.
I'm sorry. It's just that
I miss her so much.
I-I'm gonna see
the luckiest man in the world
marry the most wonderful woman
in the world, and I have nobody.
Excuse me, sir.
This woman
says she's your wife.
Never seen her before.
But here's someone I do know ...
my son, Mitchell.
Mitchell and Dede
are great pals.
Tell these lovely folks
about your mother.
She's a scheming
dragon woman
hell-bent on destroying
everyone around her.
You pick today
to realize that?
You're welcome.
I finally got him to see Mom
for who she really is ...
a nasty, old nutjob.
But she's someone else's
problem now, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
You know what?
I don't know
these people, either.
Let's go. Excuse me.
Pardon us.
Hi. I'm Haley.
Pleasure.
I'm a massive fraud.
Sounds like
you need a drink.
I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
I used to have
something of a ...
Oh, come on.
I feel weird drinking alone.
I don't.
I just wanted him to pay.
The last time
I was this bladdered,
I parked my fist right
in Salman Rushdie's smug gob.
Do you know Adele?
Oh.
- There he is.
- Hey. Just checking in. Hi.
Ooh, celebrating
solving your problem?
After 10 years
of paralyzing writer's block,
I at last felt
that I was drinking
directly from the teat
of the muse.
But she was no muse.
She was a succubus.
Such a gift
for language.
At the next stop,
I'm going to burn this book.
That is bad-ass.
No! What?
Yes. It will be the last act
of my career.
Well, not counting the panel
discussion in Portland.
It would be rude to cancel.
There's a wine-and-cheese
reception.
You have to finish.
What if we proved
it could happen?
Maybe there's another way
for the murderer
to get
to the caboose and back.
I've filled the train
with characters
who cannot know that
the engineer has left his post.
It's hopeless!
Wait. Did we just stop?
No. I don't think so.
No. Mnh-mnh.
(imitates train
whistle blowing)
Look how beautiful
California is.
The best part about
taking the train,
as I often do for my work with,
uh, the children,
has got to be the scenery.
Yeah?
What's your favorite spot?
Well, I'd have to say
the spot where, uh...
the Rio Grande pours
into Lake Superior.
Huh. I don't think
I've seen that.
Can you excuse me
for just a pinch?
Sure.
What are you doing?
Getting swollen
'cause that's how you close.
Oh, by the way,
if you see a tie on our door,
Luke's starting to score.
It's a little hard
to root for you right now.
So, where were we?
Is this your first time seeing
the Central Coast, Big Sur?
No, it's not, little miss.
I can't wait to watch the sunset
over the Andes tonight.
Not like my view right now
isn't fantastic.
You're cute.
You know,
if you're into it,
I think I could show you
a few things.
Uh...
it's a little loud in here.
Maybe we should go
somewhere more quiet.
Sure.
Really?
Trains.
You're so serious.
I want to make sure
I capture your beauty.
Can I see yet?
I hope you like it.
Oh!
So, he's not an artist.
Who cares?
(up-tempo fiddle music
playing)
(loud, indistinct
conversations)
People in first class
think they have it made
with their early boarding
and their
slightly cleaner seats.
But they don't know
what living is.
I'll take a long line
for the bathroom
if that bathroom is in heaven.
I'm so glad
you came back here.
Me, too.
This feels weird.
Do you have a compartment?
I do, but how
will you get up there?
I'll find a way.
I promise.
Oh, by the way,
I'm in compartment 18B,
as in, "Boy, are you cute."
Idiot. Just keep walking.
Got it.
Oh, good.
Guys, guys, guys, come on.
The only signal we need
is this.
My kids in the back ...
They don't hate Dede.
They're preparing a roast
for the wedding.
That's how
our family shows love.
You'll get a taste of it
at the reception.
What are you, Italian?
We'll do a whole thing,
unless you
shoot the place up first.
Oh.
See? That kind of stuff.
Jay Pritchett, I am going
to strangle you!
I don't know
why you're pretending
that you don't know me,
but I'm sure it's for some
stupid and selfish reason!
She really is your wife?
For now.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be
getting on a train
to my next wedding.
You're driving me insane.
Oh, I see
what's going on.
Don't listen to her.
Dede's not crazy.
You are.
Sure. That works.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Carl.
Uh, my father's marrying Dede.
Yes, he is, and let's celebrate.
Drinks on me.
What the heck.
And, again, I'm sorry
to have worried you guys
about Dede.
Oh, please.
It's not like Carl's father
is such a prize.
What? He snapped and burned
your mom's house down.
She's kidding.
Uh, we're doing
a roast, too.
Yeah, right.
Your mother was almost a roast.
We needed to prove
that the crime was feasible,
so I would play the role
of engineer/murderer.
And I would play the role
of everyone else.
When my hometown theater's
production of "Robin Hood"
was lacking a leading lady,
I stepped into the role
of Maid Marian in addition
to playing the Friar.
Tuck?
Didn't have to.
The costume hid it
quite nicely.
Sunday dinner!
What?
The Turkish ambassador's
bodyguard
was instructed
to neutralize anyone
who looks suspicious.
Ustten!
What?
It's Turkish
for "from the top."
I have a lot of downtime
while you're resetting.
Oh.
Woof!
Did you forget
Count Maxim du Vernay
brought his
service shar-pei?
If I'm being honest,
I skimmed that part.
Again!
Hi. You ready for me?
I believe I've Googled
everything I need to know.
So, let's get started.
This is California.
Lake Superior is here,
all the way across ...
Are you trying
to take off my shoe?
I thought you wanted
to show me things.
I do.
I'm a geography teacher, and,
boy, do you need one.
Are you kidding me?
If her new husband
is an arsonist,
you guys have to tell her.
Everybody, calm down.
The guy burned down one house.
He's not in jail, so he's got
the government's A-okay.
I recently discovered
I have some issues with Mom,
but I love her.
I don't want her to wake up
in a burning house
just so you don't have to
pay alimony.
I love Mom, too...
usually.
But if this wedding
doesn't happen,
you know where she's
gonna end up in 10 years ...
su casa or... my... casa.
Besides, the first wife
obviously drove the guy nuts.
How do we know
your mother's gonna ...
Oh, geez.
Luke, you're such
a quick learner.
Thanks.
I had no idea that was there.
Come in.
Is that you?
Uh-huh.
I'll be out in a second.
This is so naughty.
I was going to see Alex
and let her down easy.
I mean, she's family.
It's taboo.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be judgy, especially
when, you know, trains.
Ooh. Dark.
I like it.
I-I was going
to let you down!
You sure did!
Well, your hat was garish.
Excuse me.
Have any of you guys
seen the guy
I was dancing with earlier?
So, it turns out James got off
right after I left him.
On a possibly unrelated note,
my wallet is gone.
Trains.
Mr. Hastings, we did it.
We made it to the caboose
and back without being seen.
Your book works.
I can't believe it.
Are you sure?
Yes!
Yes.
It's a combination
of slithering, clever disguise,
and not to write
the book for you,
but it would help if the Count
had a wooden hand.
Well, I was sort of
in that area anyway.
A thousand thank-yous.
Silverton lives!
Yay!
Hi. Oh, you guys are doing
that book thing, right?
Yeah.
Well, I don't know
if this helps at all,
but I was just talking
to the engineer.
It turns out
he can't leave the controls
because of what's called
a dead man's switch.
If he takes his foot off of it,
the whole train stops.
Anyway, you're welcome.
If the engineer can't leave
the controls, then...
He can't commit the murder.
It's over.
Hastings,
we are so sorry.
It's time to rid myself
of this 500-hundred page
stain.
Wait! No!
No, no, no, no!
Open, damn you!
No, no!
Wait!
Is that
the back of the train?
Yep. This is the famous
horseshoe turn.
Only two of them in
the continental United States,
one of which is here
in California,
which is in North America.
Sadly, I know
all of this now.
That's it.
The engineer ... He never has to
leave the controls.
He waits
for the horseshoe turn.
Then he plugs the Earl
in the caboose. I heard it.
This is brilliant!
I can't believe you two clowns
have saved my book.
Actually,
it's just one clown.
One magician.
Hey, Mom! Hi!
Hi, Mom!
Well, hello,
original family.
Dede, we have something
we have to tell you.
Now, I know there's
a delicate way to say this.
Just can't think of it.
Your fiancÃ©'s a pyro.
He burnt down
his ex-wife's house.
It's just like you three
to try to ruin my big day.
Mom, we just thought
you should know.
Jerry told me everything.
Trust me.
She had it coming.
The woman's "cah-razy."
So, you're okay
he's a firebug?
He's passionate, Jay.
He knows how to express
his feelings, unlike you.
Maybe if you had
burned our house down,
we'd still be together.
My mistake.
You're right, Dede.
Great, Mom.
See you at the wedding.
Bye.
Claire, you're not mad at me
about your
seating arrangements?
Why? Where am I sitting?
Mitchell, tell her.
Got to run.
You're not sitting
at the family table.
Hello!
Phil sent me
his Silverton fan fiction,
"Open House, Closed Casket."
"He looked up
at the pristine crown molding
in the great room
and felt the breeze
of the recently updated
central air.
'Mrs. Coruthers, just as
this desirable corner lot
was split in half,
so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.'
The widow gasped
and steadied herself
on the granite kitchen island,
a fitting metaphor
for how alone she felt,
despite being walking distance
to a vibrant shopping district
and wonderful schools."
I've been avoiding him
for the last two weeks.
Don't answer that!
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