1
00:00:02,396 --> 00:00:04,105
Hey, thank you.

2
00:00:02,396 --> 00:00:04,105
Here's an Andrew Jackson.

3
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,521
Make a clean set

4
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,521
of sheets happen,

5
00:00:05,521 --> 00:00:07,146
I'll introduce you

6
00:00:05,521 --> 00:00:07,146
to his twin brother.

7
00:00:08,688 --> 00:00:11,105
You don't have to do the banter,

8
00:00:08,688 --> 00:00:11,105
but what's it cost me?

9
00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:13,271
Manny, it was a great idea

10
00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:13,271
to come on the train.

11
00:00:13,271 --> 00:00:15,313
Rail is the last bastion

12
00:00:13,271 --> 00:00:15,313
of respectable travel

13
00:00:15,313 --> 00:00:17,855
now that every airport has

14
00:00:15,313 --> 00:00:17,855
become a sweat-pant convention.

15
00:00:17,855 --> 00:00:19,938
We are all

16
00:00:17,855 --> 00:00:19,938
traveling to Portland

17
00:00:19,938 --> 00:00:22,980
because Jay's ex-wife, Dede,

18
00:00:19,938 --> 00:00:22,980
is getting remarried.

19
00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:25,355
We're so happy.

20
00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:25,355
For us.

21
00:00:25,355 --> 00:00:27,396
It means the end of those

22
00:00:25,355 --> 00:00:27,396
damn alimony payments,

23
00:00:27,396 --> 00:00:29,396
so I'm gonna make sure

24
00:00:27,396 --> 00:00:29,396
Dede goes through with it.

25
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:33,355
It'll be, "I do,"I do,"

26
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:33,355
"I'm done."

27
00:00:34,688 --> 00:00:35,813
How much

28
00:00:34,688 --> 00:00:35,813
choice action

29
00:00:35,813 --> 00:00:37,063
are we gonna get

30
00:00:35,813 --> 00:00:37,063
on this trip?

31
00:00:37,063 --> 00:00:38,980
I'm managing

32
00:00:37,063 --> 00:00:38,980
my expectations.

33
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:41,063
Don't you know anything

34
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:41,063
about trains?

35
00:00:41,063 --> 00:00:42,355
Chicks go crazy.

36
00:00:42,355 --> 00:00:44,605
The vibrations

37
00:00:42,355 --> 00:00:44,605
get them all worked up.

38
00:00:44,605 --> 00:00:46,771
Also, they're trapped,

39
00:00:44,605 --> 00:00:46,771
which is nice.

40
00:00:46,771 --> 00:00:48,771
Hey.

41
00:00:46,771 --> 00:00:48,771
We're just gonna

42
00:00:46,771 --> 00:00:48,771
go bang out

43
00:00:48,771 --> 00:00:50,813
this toast for Mom.

44
00:00:48,771 --> 00:00:50,813
Yeah. Shouldn't have waited

45
00:00:48,771 --> 00:00:50,813
till the last minute.

46
00:00:50,813 --> 00:00:52,980
It'll be a nice distraction

47
00:00:50,813 --> 00:00:52,980
from your motion sickness.

48
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:54,813
It's good, as long

49
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:54,813
as I'm not facing backwards

50
00:00:54,813 --> 00:00:57,146
when the train is ...

51
00:00:54,813 --> 00:00:57,146
Oh, God, no.

52
00:00:57,146 --> 00:00:58,355
Lead me.

53
00:00:58,355 --> 00:01:00,188
All right, I got it.

54
00:01:00,188 --> 00:01:01,230
There you go. Fixed point.

55
00:01:00,188 --> 00:01:01,230
Mm-hmm.

56
00:01:14,771 --> 00:01:16,896
Oh, my God, it can't be.

57
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:18,355
What? No, it's not

58
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:18,355
a bald spot.

59
00:01:18,355 --> 00:01:19,855
I slept on it funny

60
00:01:18,355 --> 00:01:19,855
last night.

61
00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:22,521
No. The guy two rows back.

62
00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:23,938
Oh, my...

63
00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:23,938
That's Simon Ha...

64
00:01:23,938 --> 00:01:25,146
Hastings.

65
00:01:23,938 --> 00:01:25,146
Oh, my ...

66
00:01:25,146 --> 00:01:26,771
You're a fan of his, too?

67
00:01:26,771 --> 00:01:28,313
Oh, my ... He's my favorite

68
00:01:26,771 --> 00:01:28,313
author. Don't tell Mitchell,

69
00:01:28,313 --> 00:01:29,771
but I was so engrossed

70
00:01:28,313 --> 00:01:29,771
in his last book,

71
00:01:29,771 --> 00:01:31,771
I didn't feed Lily

72
00:01:29,771 --> 00:01:31,771
for a day and a half.

73
00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:34,771
Wait a second.

74
00:01:34,771 --> 00:01:37,938
Simon Hastings

75
00:01:34,771 --> 00:01:37,938
is the genius behind

76
00:01:37,938 --> 00:01:39,438
the Silverton

77
00:01:37,938 --> 00:01:39,438
mystery novels.

78
00:01:39,438 --> 00:01:40,396
"Dismembers Only."

79
00:01:40,396 --> 00:01:41,521
"A Death of Fresh Air."

80
00:01:41,521 --> 00:01:42,771
The world has been waiting

81
00:01:42,771 --> 00:01:44,188
for the final book

82
00:01:42,771 --> 00:01:44,188
of the trilogy

83
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:45,855
for almost,

84
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:45,855
what, 10 years?

85
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,105
I missed it so much, I took

86
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,105
a stab at writing fan fiction.

87
00:01:48,105 --> 00:01:49,605
What?

88
00:01:49,605 --> 00:01:51,438
I put Silverton in the harrowing

89
00:01:49,605 --> 00:01:51,438
world of real estate

90
00:01:51,438 --> 00:01:53,396
with

91
00:01:51,438 --> 00:01:53,396
"Open House, Closed Casket."

92
00:01:55,021 --> 00:01:56,063
Goose bumps.

93
00:01:59,938 --> 00:02:01,563
Hey!

94
00:01:59,938 --> 00:02:01,563
Hey!

95
00:02:01,563 --> 00:02:04,605
We hate to bother you,

96
00:02:01,563 --> 00:02:04,605
but you are our favorite author.

97
00:02:04,605 --> 00:02:06,896
Gentlemen,

98
00:02:04,605 --> 00:02:06,896
the words are all out there.

99
00:02:06,896 --> 00:02:09,771
I just arrange them in

100
00:02:06,896 --> 00:02:09,771
a financially rewarding way.

101
00:02:09,771 --> 00:02:13,355
Droll is what

102
00:02:09,771 --> 00:02:13,355
that is. Droll.

103
00:02:09,771 --> 00:02:13,355
Classic Hastings.

104
00:02:13,355 --> 00:02:15,021
That by any chance

105
00:02:13,355 --> 00:02:15,021
isn't the ...

106
00:02:15,021 --> 00:02:16,438
the next Silverton novel,

107
00:02:15,021 --> 00:02:16,438
is it?

108
00:02:16,438 --> 00:02:18,230
You mean

109
00:02:16,438 --> 00:02:18,230
"Locomotive for Murder"?

110
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:19,771
Crackerjack.

111
00:02:19,771 --> 00:02:21,438
It's not even out yet,

112
00:02:19,771 --> 00:02:21,438
and I'm sad about finishing it.

113
00:02:21,438 --> 00:02:23,396
Well, I hope you won't be

114
00:02:21,438 --> 00:02:23,396
disappointed.

115
00:02:23,396 --> 00:02:24,438
Lovely to meet you.

116
00:02:28,271 --> 00:02:29,688
What's your process?

117
00:02:29,688 --> 00:02:31,730
Are the characters

118
00:02:29,688 --> 00:02:31,730
just speaking through you?

119
00:02:31,730 --> 00:02:33,105
How important is plot?

120
00:02:33,105 --> 00:02:35,355
Here's an idea ...

121
00:02:33,105 --> 00:02:35,355
how would you two like

122
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,688
to sit quietly

123
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,688
and read the first chapter?

124
00:02:37,688 --> 00:02:38,646
Oh...

125
00:02:37,688 --> 00:02:38,646
What?

126
00:02:38,646 --> 00:02:40,396
my...

127
00:02:38,646 --> 00:02:40,396
What?

128
00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:41,688
God.

129
00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:41,688
What?

130
00:02:41,688 --> 00:02:43,271
Rest assured.

131
00:02:43,271 --> 00:02:45,146
Your treasure

132
00:02:43,271 --> 00:02:45,146
is in good hands.

133
00:02:45,146 --> 00:02:47,396
We are also members

134
00:02:45,146 --> 00:02:47,396
of the artistic community.

135
00:02:47,396 --> 00:02:49,105
Clown.

136
00:02:47,396 --> 00:02:49,105
Magician.

137
00:02:50,396 --> 00:02:52,813
Ugh.

138
00:02:52,813 --> 00:02:54,355
Nope.

139
00:02:54,355 --> 00:02:55,896
What?

140
00:02:54,355 --> 00:02:55,896
We're on a train,

141
00:02:55,896 --> 00:02:57,521
and I'm embracing

142
00:02:55,896 --> 00:02:57,521
a romantic style of travel.

143
00:02:57,521 --> 00:02:59,105
I get it, and I love it.

144
00:02:59,105 --> 00:03:00,771
Wonderful

145
00:02:59,105 --> 00:03:00,771
Victorian tea hat.

146
00:03:00,771 --> 00:03:02,688
Thank you.

147
00:03:00,771 --> 00:03:02,688
Top-notch travel derby.

148
00:03:02,688 --> 00:03:05,271
Ma'am.

149
00:03:02,688 --> 00:03:05,271
See you at high tea.

150
00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:08,146
He acts like someone

151
00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:08,146
with low "T."

152
00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:08,146
Ah.

153
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,771
Ugh, I forgot my magazines

154
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,771
when I was buying gum.

155
00:03:10,771 --> 00:03:12,438
Oh, it's hard to do

156
00:03:10,771 --> 00:03:12,438
two things at once.

157
00:03:12,438 --> 00:03:13,730
You got an extra book?

158
00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:15,063
Well, I'm re-reading

159
00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:15,063
"Jane Eyre,"

160
00:03:15,063 --> 00:03:16,438
but I've got "Anna Karenina"

161
00:03:15,063 --> 00:03:16,438
on deck.

162
00:03:16,438 --> 00:03:18,271
What you got?

163
00:03:18,271 --> 00:03:20,146
"Hurricane Harriet."

164
00:03:18,271 --> 00:03:20,146
It's mostly pictures.

165
00:03:20,146 --> 00:03:22,438
Sold. Move over.

166
00:03:22,438 --> 00:03:24,646
So, what's

167
00:03:22,438 --> 00:03:24,646
Harriet's deal?

168
00:03:24,646 --> 00:03:27,188
She's a ditzy girl who causes

169
00:03:24,646 --> 00:03:27,188
problems for everyone,

170
00:03:27,188 --> 00:03:28,480
but never realizes it.

171
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,230
Doesn't sound

172
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,230
very realistic.

173
00:03:33,063 --> 00:03:35,021
Ah, do you guys know

174
00:03:33,063 --> 00:03:35,021
where the bathroom is?

175
00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:36,438
Oh, back there.

176
00:03:36,438 --> 00:03:37,980
Isn't it that way?

177
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:39,563
Doesn't matter.

178
00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:44,646
First-class ticket,

179
00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:44,646
please.

180
00:03:44,646 --> 00:03:46,063
I just came

181
00:03:44,646 --> 00:03:46,063
looking for the bathroom.

182
00:03:46,063 --> 00:03:47,688
My ticket is in my seat.

183
00:03:47,688 --> 00:03:48,938
Do you have any idea how many

184
00:03:47,688 --> 00:03:48,938
times a day I hear that?

185
00:03:48,938 --> 00:03:50,771
Just go back

186
00:03:48,938 --> 00:03:50,771
where you came from.

187
00:03:50,771 --> 00:03:52,313
Go back

188
00:03:50,771 --> 00:03:52,313
where I came from?

189
00:03:52,313 --> 00:03:53,605
Okay.

190
00:03:53,605 --> 00:03:55,063
I see how it is.

191
00:04:03,813 --> 00:04:05,813
So, Harriet

192
00:04:03,813 --> 00:04:05,813
just sent those people

193
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,146
right into a bear cave?

194
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,605
She never knows

195
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,605
what she's doing.

196
00:04:08,605 --> 00:04:10,313
What an idiot.

197
00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:15,063
Excuse me.

198
00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:17,646
You mind if I sit here?

199
00:04:17,646 --> 00:04:19,396
Uh, no.

200
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:23,813
You have a beautiful smile.

201
00:04:23,813 --> 00:04:25,438
Thanks.

202
00:04:25,438 --> 00:04:27,146
They make fun of you

203
00:04:25,438 --> 00:04:27,146
for wearing your headgear,

204
00:04:27,146 --> 00:04:29,105
but, hey, look at me now.

205
00:04:30,063 --> 00:04:31,813
Tickets?

206
00:04:30,063 --> 00:04:31,813
Oh, yeah.

207
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,438
Uh, honey,

208
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,438
do you have my ticket?

209
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,438
No.

210
00:04:34,438 --> 00:04:36,438
I'm pretty sure I gave you

211
00:04:34,438 --> 00:04:36,438
my ticket, babe.

212
00:04:36,438 --> 00:04:38,313
Sorry, babe.

213
00:04:36,438 --> 00:04:38,313
Back to coach.

214
00:04:38,313 --> 00:04:39,980
I forgive you.

215
00:04:43,313 --> 00:04:46,730
Come find me.

216
00:04:49,146 --> 00:04:51,730
"Mom has always been

217
00:04:49,146 --> 00:04:51,730
a free spirit."

218
00:04:51,730 --> 00:04:55,521
"She has also helped to free

219
00:04:51,730 --> 00:04:55,521
a lot of spirits from bottles

220
00:04:55,521 --> 00:04:57,855
'cause the woman's

221
00:04:55,521 --> 00:04:57,855
a boozehound!" Hello!

222
00:04:57,855 --> 00:04:59,230
Yeah, I'm not

223
00:04:57,855 --> 00:04:59,230
gonna put that in.

224
00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:01,063
Uh, how about this one?

225
00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:01,063
"The secret to her

226
00:05:01,063 --> 00:05:03,146
chocolate-chip cookies

227
00:05:01,063 --> 00:05:03,146
was a dash of salt ..."

228
00:05:03,146 --> 00:05:07,188
"And two scoops of crazy

229
00:05:03,146 --> 00:05:07,188
because the lady's imbalanced."

230
00:05:07,188 --> 00:05:08,313
Hello!

231
00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:10,271
Claire, this is toast,

232
00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:10,271
not a roast.

233
00:05:10,271 --> 00:05:13,063
Are you uncomfortable because,

234
00:05:10,271 --> 00:05:13,063
for the first time in your life,

235
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,563
you have to be

236
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,563
the straight man? Hello!

237
00:05:15,563 --> 00:05:17,980
Saying "hello" doesn't make

238
00:05:15,563 --> 00:05:17,980
mean things funny.

239
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,896
I like it.

240
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,896
Well, you don't get

241
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,896
to decide.

242
00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:21,105
How come you

243
00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:21,105
get to decide?

244
00:05:21,105 --> 00:05:22,563
'Cause Mom asked me

245
00:05:21,105 --> 00:05:22,563
and not you.

246
00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:24,063
I included you

247
00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:24,063
because I felt bad.

248
00:05:26,396 --> 00:05:28,438
That's fine.

249
00:05:26,396 --> 00:05:28,438
I don't care.

250
00:05:28,438 --> 00:05:30,313
You can do it yourself.

251
00:05:30,313 --> 00:05:32,396
I don't care.

252
00:05:30,313 --> 00:05:32,396
Claire.

253
00:05:32,396 --> 00:05:34,188
Wait.

254
00:05:34,188 --> 00:05:36,396
Nope.

255
00:05:36,396 --> 00:05:37,980
This is a $20.

256
00:05:37,980 --> 00:05:40,688
When my wife shows up later,

257
00:05:37,980 --> 00:05:40,688
"iced tea" means Scotch.

258
00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:43,563
Grandpa,

259
00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:43,563
do you think it's weird

260
00:05:43,563 --> 00:05:45,105
Nana invited you

261
00:05:43,563 --> 00:05:45,105
to her wedding?

262
00:05:45,105 --> 00:05:47,438
I think it's the least-weird

263
00:05:45,105 --> 00:05:47,438
thing Dede's ever done.

264
00:05:47,438 --> 00:05:49,355
Well, if she was so bad,

265
00:05:47,438 --> 00:05:49,355
why'd you ever marry her?

266
00:05:49,355 --> 00:05:50,855
We were young.

267
00:05:50,855 --> 00:05:53,438
She was cute, but the constant

268
00:05:50,855 --> 00:05:53,438
nuttiness of Dede

269
00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:55,980
wore me down,

270
00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:55,980
robbed me of my will to live.

271
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,105
One day, she pushed me

272
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,105
off the edge.

273
00:05:58,105 --> 00:05:59,730
I ran out of the house.

274
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,688
They found me shirtless

275
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,688
in the local fire station.

276
00:06:01,688 --> 00:06:03,688
Excuse me.

277
00:06:03,688 --> 00:06:05,771
This, uh, Dede

278
00:06:03,688 --> 00:06:05,771
that you're speaking of ...

279
00:06:05,771 --> 00:06:07,396
um, is that Dede Pritchett,

280
00:06:05,771 --> 00:06:07,396
by chance?

281
00:06:07,396 --> 00:06:09,230
Do you know her?

282
00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:10,563
She's marrying my father.

283
00:06:10,563 --> 00:06:12,188
You're kidding.

284
00:06:12,188 --> 00:06:14,605
No. We're traveling

285
00:06:12,188 --> 00:06:14,605
to the wedding right now...

286
00:06:14,605 --> 00:06:15,605
if there is one.

287
00:06:15,605 --> 00:06:17,355
I've got to call Dad.

288
00:06:17,355 --> 00:06:18,980
I told you

289
00:06:17,355 --> 00:06:18,980
that woman was off.

290
00:06:17,355 --> 00:06:18,980
Just ridiculous.

291
00:06:21,271 --> 00:06:23,396
I'm gonna need $18 back.

292
00:06:25,146 --> 00:06:27,730
Uh, excuse me.

293
00:06:25,146 --> 00:06:27,730
Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.

294
00:06:27,730 --> 00:06:30,230
Um, do you know ... have

295
00:06:27,730 --> 00:06:30,230
they developed a cure yet?

296
00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:32,105
For what?

297
00:06:32,105 --> 00:06:34,313
A blown mind ...

298
00:06:32,105 --> 00:06:34,313
because we have two of them.

299
00:06:34,313 --> 00:06:36,980
You're too kind.

300
00:06:34,313 --> 00:06:36,980
Oh, thank you.

301
00:06:34,313 --> 00:06:36,980
Oh, thank you.

302
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480
We are just dying to know

303
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480
how the conductor got

304
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,813
all the way from the front to

305
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,813
the back, kill the ambassador,

306
00:06:41,813 --> 00:06:43,355
and not be seen?

307
00:06:43,355 --> 00:06:45,605
There's an escape hatch

308
00:06:43,355 --> 00:06:45,605
in the control room.

309
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:46,938
Oh.

310
00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:48,521
He climbs up,

311
00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:48,521
crawls his way across

312
00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:50,771
the top of the train

313
00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:50,771
to the caboose.

314
00:06:50,771 --> 00:06:54,146
There, his feet firmly planted,

315
00:06:50,771 --> 00:06:54,146
thanks to magnetic shoes,

316
00:06:54,146 --> 00:06:57,105
he hangs down,

317
00:06:54,146 --> 00:06:57,105
shoots the ambassador,

318
00:06:57,105 --> 00:06:59,146
then crawls back

319
00:06:57,105 --> 00:06:59,146
the way he came.

320
00:06:59,146 --> 00:07:01,313
That is so ingenious.

321
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,313
How does he avoid

322
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,313
the video cameras?

323
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,313
Yeah.

324
00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:05,730
I beg your pardon.

325
00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:05,730
On top of the train.

326
00:07:05,730 --> 00:07:07,688
He's on a train

327
00:07:05,730 --> 00:07:07,688
that doesn't have any cameras.

328
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:10,355
Oh, no, they all have cameras

329
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:10,355
now ... Big Brother.

330
00:07:10,355 --> 00:07:11,813
I just read an article

331
00:07:10,355 --> 00:07:11,813
about it in Rail World,

332
00:07:11,813 --> 00:07:13,396
the magazine

333
00:07:11,813 --> 00:07:13,396
in your seat pocket ...

334
00:07:13,396 --> 00:07:14,438
also a great interview

335
00:07:13,396 --> 00:07:14,438
with amateur conductor

336
00:07:14,438 --> 00:07:16,146
Valerie Bertinelli.

337
00:07:16,146 --> 00:07:18,688
Well, if that's true,

338
00:07:16,146 --> 00:07:18,688
then the murder isn't possible.

339
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,563
And if the ambassador

340
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,563
is still alive,

341
00:07:20,563 --> 00:07:23,605
then there's no reason for

342
00:07:20,563 --> 00:07:23,605
Silverton to be in Nigeria.

343
00:07:23,605 --> 00:07:26,646
And if that's the case,

344
00:07:23,605 --> 00:07:26,646
he's not at the coup,

345
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:29,396
which means the whole thing

346
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:29,396
doesn't work.

347
00:07:29,396 --> 00:07:31,730
Dear God, I have no book.

348
00:07:31,730 --> 00:07:35,021
Oh.

349
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:38,021
I have no book!

350
00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:41,813
Now I wish I hadn't

351
00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:41,813
circled the typos.

352
00:07:46,230 --> 00:07:47,771
What are you still doing here?

353
00:07:46,230 --> 00:07:47,771
Go find him.

354
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,271
I don't know.

355
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,438
Come on, it's

356
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,438
a better love story

357
00:07:50,438 --> 00:07:51,813
than the one you're reading.

358
00:07:51,813 --> 00:07:54,355
You're the beautiful,

359
00:07:51,813 --> 00:07:54,355
high-class, smart girl,

360
00:07:54,355 --> 00:07:56,438
and he's the poor boy

361
00:07:54,355 --> 00:07:56,438
duct-taping his shoes

362
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:58,063
with a bunch of hobos

363
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:58,063
in coach.

364
00:07:58,063 --> 00:07:59,480
It's a $20 difference.

365
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,063
Alex, you got this.

366
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,855
Trains make guys crazy.

367
00:08:02,855 --> 00:08:04,188
When were you

368
00:08:02,855 --> 00:08:04,188
ever on a train?

369
00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:05,521
In Vegas,

370
00:08:05,521 --> 00:08:06,813
between my plane

371
00:08:05,521 --> 00:08:06,813
and the luggage area.

372
00:08:06,813 --> 00:08:09,105
Stuff went down.

373
00:08:06,813 --> 00:08:09,105
Fine. I'll go for it.

374
00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:09,980
Oh, wait.

375
00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:11,855
Nope.

376
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:18,605
Manny likes hats,

377
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:18,605
doesn't he?

378
00:08:18,605 --> 00:08:20,855
Ooh, someone's

379
00:08:18,605 --> 00:08:20,855
still got a crush.

380
00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:22,105
I'm not proud of it.

381
00:08:22,105 --> 00:08:23,521
I tried to get past it.

382
00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:25,021
But, you know, trains.

383
00:08:25,021 --> 00:08:29,730
Well, I think you look cute,

384
00:08:25,021 --> 00:08:29,730
and I bet he would, too.

385
00:08:29,730 --> 00:08:31,563
Hey, you pervs.

386
00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:33,438
Let me guess ... shoulders tired

387
00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:33,438
from striking out so hard?

388
00:08:33,438 --> 00:08:35,896
It's still early.

389
00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:37,855
Ooh, I see a dime piece

390
00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:37,855
over there.

391
00:08:37,855 --> 00:08:39,021
That means she's a 10.

392
00:08:39,021 --> 00:08:40,230
Yeah. I speak d-bag.

393
00:08:40,230 --> 00:08:41,688
Luke, she's a little old.

394
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,313
Hey, Jennifer Lopez

395
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,313
is like 90.

396
00:08:43,313 --> 00:08:45,438
Doesn't mean I don't pretend

397
00:08:43,313 --> 00:08:45,438
she's my pillow

398
00:08:45,438 --> 00:08:46,396
every now and then.

399
00:08:48,021 --> 00:08:49,521
How does he have prospects?

400
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:50,730
If it makes you

401
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:50,730
feel any better,

402
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,188
that one's

403
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,188
got a big crush on you.

404
00:08:56,855 --> 00:08:58,396
I guess I shouldn't

405
00:08:56,855 --> 00:08:58,396
have been surprised.

406
00:08:58,396 --> 00:09:00,396
I've always sensed

407
00:08:58,396 --> 00:09:00,396
a little heat from Alex.

408
00:09:00,396 --> 00:09:02,396
A woman doesn't

409
00:09:00,396 --> 00:09:02,396
compliment a man on his hat

410
00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:04,271
unless she wants

411
00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:04,271
to get into his blazer.

412
00:09:06,271 --> 00:09:07,313
Hey.

413
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,563
Peace offering?

414
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,563
Thank you.

415
00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:11,063
Look, I'm sorry I told you

416
00:09:11,063 --> 00:09:12,646
that Mom picked me

417
00:09:11,063 --> 00:09:12,646
for the toast and not you.

418
00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,063
It's just that...

419
00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,063
I've always had

420
00:09:14,063 --> 00:09:15,646
a special relationship

421
00:09:14,063 --> 00:09:15,646
with her.

422
00:09:15,646 --> 00:09:18,230
Sure, like the one between

423
00:09:15,646 --> 00:09:18,230
a witch and her flying monkey.

424
00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:20,521
Don't do that. Don't use

425
00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:20,521
"The Wizard of Oz" against me.

426
00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:21,730
Mom manipulates you.

427
00:09:21,730 --> 00:09:23,938
She uses you

428
00:09:21,730 --> 00:09:23,938
against the rest of us.

429
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,646
I have no idea

430
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,646
what you're talking about.

431
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:27,688
Oh, God, if only I could

432
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:27,688
think of an example.

433
00:09:27,688 --> 00:09:29,313
Oh, wait,

434
00:09:27,688 --> 00:09:29,313
here's one of 30.

435
00:09:29,313 --> 00:09:31,688
She blew off Alex's graduation,

436
00:09:29,313 --> 00:09:31,688
but she didn't tell us.

437
00:09:31,688 --> 00:09:35,438
She made you do it so we would

438
00:09:31,688 --> 00:09:35,438
all dump on you instead of her.

439
00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:38,021
And now she bans me

440
00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:38,021
from giving a toast,

441
00:09:38,021 --> 00:09:39,730
and we're fighting about it.

442
00:09:39,730 --> 00:09:41,730
Come on. She's using you

443
00:09:39,730 --> 00:09:41,730
like a human shield.

444
00:09:41,730 --> 00:09:43,271
Does that seem like

445
00:09:41,730 --> 00:09:43,271
a healthy relationship?

446
00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:45,813
Why don't you give that

447
00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:45,813
some thought

448
00:09:45,813 --> 00:09:46,896
while you're getting me

449
00:09:45,813 --> 00:09:46,896
a refill?

450
00:09:46,896 --> 00:09:48,230
When did you

451
00:09:46,896 --> 00:09:48,230
even drink that?

452
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:50,230
You've been talking

453
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:50,230
the whole time.

454
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,230
Fine.

455
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,230
I don't get anything.

456
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:53,980
No...

457
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:53,980
Hey, pal.

458
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:55,980
Before you call your dad,

459
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:55,980
what I was saying about Dede

460
00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:58,688
was me just covering up

461
00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:58,688
because I lost

462
00:09:58,688 --> 00:10:01,605
the greatest, most stable person

463
00:09:58,688 --> 00:10:01,605
I've ever known.

464
00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:03,188
But you seemed so angry.

465
00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:05,063
It's because

466
00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:05,063
I can't get over her.

467
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,688
I've tried everything ...

468
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,688
therapy, pills, electricity.

469
00:10:07,688 --> 00:10:09,230
I'm sorry. It's just that

470
00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:10,688
I miss her so much.

471
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:12,438
I-I'm gonna see

472
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:12,438
the luckiest man in the world

473
00:10:12,438 --> 00:10:15,396
marry the most wonderful woman

474
00:10:12,438 --> 00:10:15,396
in the world, and I have nobody.

475
00:10:15,396 --> 00:10:17,188
Excuse me, sir.

476
00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:18,938
This woman

477
00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:18,938
says she's your wife.

478
00:10:18,938 --> 00:10:19,855
Never seen her before.

479
00:10:21,396 --> 00:10:24,980
But here's someone I do know ...

480
00:10:21,396 --> 00:10:24,980
my son, Mitchell.

481
00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:26,605
Mitchell and Dede

482
00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:26,605
are great pals.

483
00:10:26,605 --> 00:10:28,563
Tell these lovely folks

484
00:10:26,605 --> 00:10:28,563
about your mother.

485
00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:29,896
She's a scheming

486
00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:29,896
dragon woman

487
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,563
hell-bent on destroying

488
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,563
everyone around her.

489
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:33,146
You pick today

490
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:33,146
to realize that?

491
00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:35,063
You're welcome.

492
00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:35,063
I finally got him to see Mom

493
00:10:35,063 --> 00:10:38,730
for who she really is ...

494
00:10:35,063 --> 00:10:38,730
a nasty, old nutjob.

495
00:10:38,730 --> 00:10:40,146
But she's someone else's

496
00:10:38,730 --> 00:10:40,146
problem now, huh?

497
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:41,355
Mm-hmm.

498
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:41,355
Wait a minute.

499
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:41,355
You know what?

500
00:10:41,355 --> 00:10:42,480
I don't know

501
00:10:41,355 --> 00:10:42,480
these people, either.

502
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:43,730
Let's go. Excuse me.

503
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,355
Pardon us.

504
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:47,355
Hi. I'm Haley.

505
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,355
Pleasure.

506
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,355
I'm a massive fraud.

507
00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:50,896
Sounds like

508
00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:50,896
you need a drink.

509
00:10:50,896 --> 00:10:52,313
I'm not sure

510
00:10:50,896 --> 00:10:52,313
that's a good idea.

511
00:10:52,313 --> 00:10:53,730
I used to have

512
00:10:52,313 --> 00:10:53,730
something of a ...

513
00:10:53,730 --> 00:10:55,771
Oh, come on.

514
00:10:53,730 --> 00:10:55,771
I feel weird drinking alone.

515
00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:58,063
I don't.

516
00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:58,063
I just wanted him to pay.

517
00:10:58,063 --> 00:11:00,188
The last time

518
00:10:58,063 --> 00:11:00,188
I was this bladdered,

519
00:11:00,188 --> 00:11:04,355
I parked my fist right

520
00:11:00,188 --> 00:11:04,355
in Salman Rushdie's smug gob.

521
00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:07,438
Do you know Adele?

522
00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:07,438
Oh.

523
00:11:07,438 --> 00:11:11,438
- There he is.

524
00:11:07,438 --> 00:11:11,438
- Hey. Just checking in. Hi.

525
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,271
Ooh, celebrating

526
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,271
solving your problem?

527
00:11:13,271 --> 00:11:16,355
After 10 years

528
00:11:13,271 --> 00:11:16,355
of paralyzing writer's block,

529
00:11:16,355 --> 00:11:17,813
I at last felt

530
00:11:16,355 --> 00:11:17,813
that I was drinking

531
00:11:17,813 --> 00:11:20,146
directly from the teat

532
00:11:17,813 --> 00:11:20,146
of the muse.

533
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,855
But she was no muse.

534
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,855
She was a succubus.

535
00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:24,646
Such a gift

536
00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:24,646
for language.

537
00:11:24,646 --> 00:11:27,855
At the next stop,

538
00:11:24,646 --> 00:11:27,855
I'm going to burn this book.

539
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,188
That is bad-ass.

540
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,188
No! What?

541
00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:33,313
Yes. It will be the last act

542
00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:33,313
of my career.

543
00:11:33,313 --> 00:11:36,105
Well, not counting the panel

544
00:11:33,313 --> 00:11:36,105
discussion in Portland.

545
00:11:36,105 --> 00:11:37,521
It would be rude to cancel.

546
00:11:37,521 --> 00:11:39,271
There's a wine-and-cheese

547
00:11:37,521 --> 00:11:39,271
reception.

548
00:11:39,271 --> 00:11:40,563
You have to finish.

549
00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:43,105
What if we proved

550
00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:43,105
it could happen?

551
00:11:43,105 --> 00:11:45,355
Maybe there's another way

552
00:11:43,105 --> 00:11:45,355
for the murderer

553
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:46,896
to get

554
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:46,896
to the caboose and back.

555
00:11:46,896 --> 00:11:48,813
I've filled the train

556
00:11:46,896 --> 00:11:48,813
with characters

557
00:11:48,813 --> 00:11:51,396
who cannot know that

558
00:11:48,813 --> 00:11:51,396
the engineer has left his post.

559
00:11:51,396 --> 00:11:53,230
It's hopeless!

560
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:54,730
Wait. Did we just stop?

561
00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:55,938
No. I don't think so.

562
00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:55,938
No. Mnh-mnh.

563
00:11:57,980 --> 00:12:00,313
(imitates train

564
00:11:57,980 --> 00:12:00,313
whistle blowing)

565
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:05,396
Look how beautiful

566
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:05,396
California is.

567
00:12:05,396 --> 00:12:07,313
The best part about

568
00:12:05,396 --> 00:12:07,313
taking the train,

569
00:12:07,313 --> 00:12:10,855
as I often do for my work with,

570
00:12:07,313 --> 00:12:10,855
uh, the children,

571
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,355
has got to be the scenery.

572
00:12:12,355 --> 00:12:14,313
Yeah?

573
00:12:12,355 --> 00:12:14,313
What's your favorite spot?

574
00:12:14,313 --> 00:12:17,480
Well, I'd have to say

575
00:12:14,313 --> 00:12:17,480
the spot where, uh...

576
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,980
the Rio Grande pours

577
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,980
into Lake Superior.

578
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:22,438
Huh. I don't think

579
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:22,438
I've seen that.

580
00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:24,355
Can you excuse me

581
00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:24,355
for just a pinch?

582
00:12:24,355 --> 00:12:26,480
Sure.

583
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,896
What are you doing?

584
00:12:33,896 --> 00:12:36,521
Getting swollen

585
00:12:33,896 --> 00:12:36,521
'cause that's how you close.

586
00:12:36,521 --> 00:12:38,438
Oh, by the way,

587
00:12:38,438 --> 00:12:41,188
if you see a tie on our door,

588
00:12:38,438 --> 00:12:41,188
Luke's starting to score.

589
00:12:41,188 --> 00:12:44,480
It's a little hard

590
00:12:41,188 --> 00:12:44,480
to root for you right now.

591
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,105
So, where were we?

592
00:12:47,105 --> 00:12:49,896
Is this your first time seeing

593
00:12:47,105 --> 00:12:49,896
the Central Coast, Big Sur?

594
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:52,688
No, it's not, little miss.

595
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,813
I can't wait to watch the sunset

596
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,813
over the Andes tonight.

597
00:12:55,813 --> 00:12:58,355
Not like my view right now

598
00:12:55,813 --> 00:12:58,355
isn't fantastic.

599
00:12:58,355 --> 00:13:00,730
You're cute.

600
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,146
You know,

601
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,146
if you're into it,

602
00:13:02,146 --> 00:13:04,688
I think I could show you

603
00:13:02,146 --> 00:13:04,688
a few things.

604
00:13:04,688 --> 00:13:08,521
Uh...

605
00:13:04,688 --> 00:13:08,521
it's a little loud in here.

606
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,480
Maybe we should go

607
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,480
somewhere more quiet.

608
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,730
Sure.

609
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:13,396
Really?

610
00:13:13,396 --> 00:13:15,813
Trains.

611
00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:20,105
You're so serious.

612
00:13:20,105 --> 00:13:21,980
I want to make sure

613
00:13:20,105 --> 00:13:21,980
I capture your beauty.

614
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:23,021
Can I see yet?

615
00:13:23,021 --> 00:13:24,771
I hope you like it.

616
00:13:28,646 --> 00:13:29,980
Oh!

617
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:31,188
So, he's not an artist.

618
00:13:31,188 --> 00:13:32,980
Who cares?

619
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,230
(up-tempo fiddle music

620
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,230
playing)

621
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:39,146
(loud, indistinct

622
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:39,146
conversations)

623
00:13:39,146 --> 00:13:42,396
People in first class

624
00:13:39,146 --> 00:13:42,396
think they have it made

625
00:13:42,396 --> 00:13:43,605
with their early boarding

626
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:44,688
and their

627
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:44,688
slightly cleaner seats.

628
00:13:47,063 --> 00:13:49,146
But they don't know

629
00:13:47,063 --> 00:13:49,146
what living is.

630
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,021
I'll take a long line

631
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,021
for the bathroom

632
00:14:01,021 --> 00:14:02,855
if that bathroom is in heaven.

633
00:14:05,063 --> 00:14:06,938
I'm so glad

634
00:14:05,063 --> 00:14:06,938
you came back here.

635
00:14:06,938 --> 00:14:07,771
Me, too.

636
00:14:10,271 --> 00:14:11,480
This feels weird.

637
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,021
Do you have a compartment?

638
00:14:13,021 --> 00:14:15,521
I do, but how

639
00:14:13,021 --> 00:14:15,521
will you get up there?

640
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,980
I'll find a way.

641
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,980
I promise.

642
00:14:19,646 --> 00:14:22,980
Oh, by the way,

643
00:14:19,646 --> 00:14:22,980
I'm in compartment 18B,

644
00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:25,063
as in, "Boy, are you cute."

645
00:14:26,021 --> 00:14:27,896
Idiot. Just keep walking.

646
00:14:27,896 --> 00:14:29,646
Got it.

647
00:14:29,646 --> 00:14:31,521
Oh, good.

648
00:14:29,646 --> 00:14:31,521
Guys, guys, guys, come on.

649
00:14:31,521 --> 00:14:34,063
The only signal we need

650
00:14:31,521 --> 00:14:34,063
is this.

651
00:14:34,063 --> 00:14:36,105
My kids in the back ...

652
00:14:34,063 --> 00:14:36,105
They don't hate Dede.

653
00:14:36,105 --> 00:14:37,938
They're preparing a roast

654
00:14:36,105 --> 00:14:37,938
for the wedding.

655
00:14:37,938 --> 00:14:39,521
That's how

656
00:14:37,938 --> 00:14:39,521
our family shows love.

657
00:14:39,521 --> 00:14:41,271
You'll get a taste of it

658
00:14:39,521 --> 00:14:41,271
at the reception.

659
00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:42,563
What are you, Italian?

660
00:14:42,563 --> 00:14:43,896
We'll do a whole thing,

661
00:14:43,896 --> 00:14:45,146
unless you

662
00:14:43,896 --> 00:14:45,146
shoot the place up first.

663
00:14:45,146 --> 00:14:46,480
Oh.

664
00:14:45,146 --> 00:14:46,480
See? That kind of stuff.

665
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,938
Jay Pritchett, I am going

666
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,938
to strangle you!

667
00:14:48,938 --> 00:14:50,563
I don't know

668
00:14:48,938 --> 00:14:50,563
why you're pretending

669
00:14:50,563 --> 00:14:52,230
that you don't know me,

670
00:14:52,230 --> 00:14:54,230
but I'm sure it's for some

671
00:14:52,230 --> 00:14:54,230
stupid and selfish reason!

672
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:55,605
She really is your wife?

673
00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:57,105
For now.

674
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,813
Pretty soon, you're gonna be

675
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,813
getting on a train

676
00:14:58,813 --> 00:15:00,313
to my next wedding.

677
00:15:00,313 --> 00:15:01,771
You're driving me insane.

678
00:15:01,771 --> 00:15:04,396
Oh, I see

679
00:15:01,771 --> 00:15:04,396
what's going on.

680
00:15:01,771 --> 00:15:04,396
Don't listen to her.

681
00:15:04,396 --> 00:15:06,563
Dede's not crazy.

682
00:15:04,396 --> 00:15:06,563
You are.

683
00:15:06,563 --> 00:15:08,021
Sure. That works.

684
00:15:08,021 --> 00:15:09,355
Who are you?

685
00:15:09,355 --> 00:15:11,938
Oh, I'm Carl.

686
00:15:09,355 --> 00:15:11,938
Uh, my father's marrying Dede.

687
00:15:11,938 --> 00:15:14,313
Yes, he is, and let's celebrate.

688
00:15:11,938 --> 00:15:14,313
Drinks on me.

689
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:15,730
What the heck.

690
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:15,730
And, again, I'm sorry

691
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,813
to have worried you guys

692
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,813
about Dede.

693
00:15:17,813 --> 00:15:19,355
Oh, please.

694
00:15:17,813 --> 00:15:19,355
It's not like Carl's father

695
00:15:19,355 --> 00:15:21,813
is such a prize.

696
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:23,563
What? He snapped and burned

697
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:23,563
your mom's house down.

698
00:15:23,563 --> 00:15:24,813
She's kidding.

699
00:15:24,813 --> 00:15:26,313
Uh, we're doing

700
00:15:24,813 --> 00:15:26,313
a roast, too.

701
00:15:26,313 --> 00:15:28,438
Yeah, right.

702
00:15:26,313 --> 00:15:28,438
Your mother was almost a roast.

703
00:15:36,563 --> 00:15:38,938
We needed to prove

704
00:15:36,563 --> 00:15:38,938
that the crime was feasible,

705
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,230
so I would play the role

706
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,230
of engineer/murderer.

707
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,355
And I would play the role

708
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,355
of everyone else.

709
00:15:43,355 --> 00:15:45,896
When my hometown theater's

710
00:15:43,355 --> 00:15:45,896
production of "Robin Hood"

711
00:15:45,896 --> 00:15:48,313
was lacking a leading lady,

712
00:15:45,896 --> 00:15:48,313
I stepped into the role

713
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:50,855
of Maid Marian in addition

714
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:50,855
to playing the Friar.

715
00:15:50,855 --> 00:15:52,188
Tuck?

716
00:15:50,855 --> 00:15:52,188
Didn't have to.

717
00:15:52,188 --> 00:15:54,021
The costume hid it

718
00:15:52,188 --> 00:15:54,021
quite nicely.

719
00:15:58,855 --> 00:16:00,063
Sunday dinner!

720
00:16:00,063 --> 00:16:01,271
What?

721
00:16:01,271 --> 00:16:02,563
The Turkish ambassador's

722
00:16:01,271 --> 00:16:02,563
bodyguard

723
00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,438
was instructed

724
00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,438
to neutralize anyone

725
00:16:04,438 --> 00:16:06,146
who looks suspicious.

726
00:16:06,146 --> 00:16:07,480
Ustten!

727
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,646
What?

728
00:16:08,646 --> 00:16:10,146
It's Turkish

729
00:16:08,646 --> 00:16:10,146
for "from the top."

730
00:16:10,146 --> 00:16:11,271
I have a lot of downtime

731
00:16:10,146 --> 00:16:11,271
while you're resetting.

732
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,230
Oh.

733
00:16:13,855 --> 00:16:15,188
Woof!

734
00:16:15,188 --> 00:16:16,771
Did you forget

735
00:16:15,188 --> 00:16:16,771
Count Maxim du Vernay

736
00:16:16,771 --> 00:16:18,105
brought his

737
00:16:16,771 --> 00:16:18,105
service shar-pei?

738
00:16:18,105 --> 00:16:20,855
If I'm being honest,

739
00:16:18,105 --> 00:16:20,855
I skimmed that part.

740
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,105
Again!

741
00:16:27,313 --> 00:16:29,188
Hi. You ready for me?

742
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:31,480
I believe I've Googled

743
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:31,480
everything I need to know.

744
00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:39,396
So, let's get started.

745
00:16:43,271 --> 00:16:45,063
This is California.

746
00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:48,688
Lake Superior is here,

747
00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:48,688
all the way across ...

748
00:16:48,688 --> 00:16:50,188
Are you trying

749
00:16:48,688 --> 00:16:50,188
to take off my shoe?

750
00:16:50,188 --> 00:16:52,063
I thought you wanted

751
00:16:50,188 --> 00:16:52,063
to show me things.

752
00:16:52,063 --> 00:16:53,563
I do.

753
00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:58,730
I'm a geography teacher, and,

754
00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:58,730
boy, do you need one.

755
00:16:58,730 --> 00:17:00,021
Are you kidding me?

756
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,855
If her new husband

757
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,855
is an arsonist,

758
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,355
you guys have to tell her.

759
00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:06,146
Everybody, calm down.

760
00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:06,146
The guy burned down one house.

761
00:17:06,146 --> 00:17:09,063
He's not in jail, so he's got

762
00:17:06,146 --> 00:17:09,063
the government's A-okay.

763
00:17:09,063 --> 00:17:10,480
I recently discovered

764
00:17:09,063 --> 00:17:10,480
I have some issues with Mom,

765
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,021
but I love her.

766
00:17:12,021 --> 00:17:14,021
I don't want her to wake up

767
00:17:12,021 --> 00:17:14,021
in a burning house

768
00:17:14,021 --> 00:17:15,938
just so you don't have to

769
00:17:14,021 --> 00:17:15,938
pay alimony.

770
00:17:15,938 --> 00:17:17,396
I love Mom, too...

771
00:17:15,938 --> 00:17:17,396
usually.

772
00:17:17,396 --> 00:17:19,188
But if this wedding

773
00:17:17,396 --> 00:17:19,188
doesn't happen,

774
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,521
you know where she's

775
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,521
gonna end up in 10 years ...

776
00:17:21,521 --> 00:17:24,813
su casa or... my... casa.

777
00:17:24,813 --> 00:17:27,771
Besides, the first wife

778
00:17:24,813 --> 00:17:27,771
obviously drove the guy nuts.

779
00:17:27,771 --> 00:17:29,938
How do we know

780
00:17:27,771 --> 00:17:29,938
your mother's gonna ...

781
00:17:29,938 --> 00:17:31,438
Oh, geez.

782
00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:36,896
Luke, you're such

783
00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:36,896
a quick learner.

784
00:17:36,896 --> 00:17:39,396
Thanks.

785
00:17:36,896 --> 00:17:39,396
I had no idea that was there.

786
00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:44,021
Come in.

787
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,105
Is that you?

788
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,105
Uh-huh.

789
00:17:49,105 --> 00:17:50,730
I'll be out in a second.

790
00:17:50,730 --> 00:17:53,146
This is so naughty.

791
00:17:53,146 --> 00:17:55,146
I was going to see Alex

792
00:17:53,146 --> 00:17:55,146
and let her down easy.

793
00:17:55,146 --> 00:17:57,105
I mean, she's family.

794
00:17:55,146 --> 00:17:57,105
It's taboo.

795
00:17:57,105 --> 00:17:58,771
I'm sorry.

796
00:17:58,771 --> 00:18:02,480
I shouldn't be judgy, especially

797
00:17:58,771 --> 00:18:02,480
when, you know, trains.

798
00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:08,855
Ooh. Dark.

799
00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:08,855
I like it.

800
00:18:10,896 --> 00:18:12,230
I-I was going

801
00:18:10,896 --> 00:18:12,230
to let you down!

802
00:18:12,230 --> 00:18:14,271
You sure did!

803
00:18:14,271 --> 00:18:17,021
Well, your hat was garish.

804
00:18:17,021 --> 00:18:18,438
Excuse me.

805
00:18:18,438 --> 00:18:19,980
Have any of you guys

806
00:18:18,438 --> 00:18:19,980
seen the guy

807
00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:21,688
I was dancing with earlier?

808
00:18:21,688 --> 00:18:24,771
So, it turns out James got off

809
00:18:21,688 --> 00:18:24,771
right after I left him.

810
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:29,146
On a possibly unrelated note,

811
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:29,146
my wallet is gone.

812
00:18:29,146 --> 00:18:30,188
Trains.

813
00:18:30,188 --> 00:18:32,313
Mr. Hastings, we did it.

814
00:18:32,313 --> 00:18:35,938
We made it to the caboose

815
00:18:32,313 --> 00:18:35,938
and back without being seen.

816
00:18:35,938 --> 00:18:37,146
Your book works.

817
00:18:37,146 --> 00:18:38,605
I can't believe it.

818
00:18:37,146 --> 00:18:38,605
Are you sure?

819
00:18:38,605 --> 00:18:40,146
Yes!

820
00:18:38,605 --> 00:18:40,146
Yes.

821
00:18:40,146 --> 00:18:41,480
It's a combination

822
00:18:40,146 --> 00:18:41,480
of slithering, clever disguise,

823
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:42,980
and not to write

824
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:42,980
the book for you,

825
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,688
but it would help if the Count

826
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,688
had a wooden hand.

827
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,938
Well, I was sort of

828
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,938
in that area anyway.

829
00:18:46,938 --> 00:18:48,146
A thousand thank-yous.

830
00:18:48,146 --> 00:18:50,313
Silverton lives!

831
00:18:50,313 --> 00:18:52,855
Yay!

832
00:18:52,855 --> 00:18:55,188
Hi. Oh, you guys are doing

833
00:18:52,855 --> 00:18:55,188
that book thing, right?

834
00:18:55,188 --> 00:18:57,521
Yeah.

835
00:18:55,188 --> 00:18:57,521
Well, I don't know

836
00:18:55,188 --> 00:18:57,521
if this helps at all,

837
00:18:57,521 --> 00:18:59,063
but I was just talking

838
00:18:57,521 --> 00:18:59,063
to the engineer.

839
00:18:59,063 --> 00:19:00,646
It turns out

840
00:18:59,063 --> 00:19:00,646
he can't leave the controls

841
00:19:00,646 --> 00:19:02,355
because of what's called

842
00:19:00,646 --> 00:19:02,355
a dead man's switch.

843
00:19:02,355 --> 00:19:05,813
If he takes his foot off of it,

844
00:19:02,355 --> 00:19:05,813
the whole train stops.

845
00:19:05,813 --> 00:19:07,313
Anyway, you're welcome.

846
00:19:12,605 --> 00:19:16,063
If the engineer can't leave

847
00:19:12,605 --> 00:19:16,063
the controls, then...

848
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:18,563
He can't commit the murder.

849
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:18,563
It's over.

850
00:19:18,563 --> 00:19:20,688
Hastings,

851
00:19:18,563 --> 00:19:20,688
we are so sorry.

852
00:19:20,688 --> 00:19:23,813
It's time to rid myself

853
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:25,896
of this 500-hundred page

854
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:25,896
stain.

855
00:19:25,896 --> 00:19:27,313
Wait! No!

856
00:19:25,896 --> 00:19:27,313
No, no, no, no!

857
00:19:27,313 --> 00:19:28,730
Open, damn you!

858
00:19:27,313 --> 00:19:28,730
No, no!

859
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,021
Wait!

860
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,021
Wait!

861
00:19:30,021 --> 00:19:31,480
Is that

862
00:19:30,021 --> 00:19:31,480
the back of the train?

863
00:19:33,188 --> 00:19:36,021
Yep. This is the famous

864
00:19:33,188 --> 00:19:36,021
horseshoe turn.

865
00:19:36,021 --> 00:19:38,271
Only two of them in

866
00:19:36,021 --> 00:19:38,271
the continental United States,

867
00:19:38,271 --> 00:19:40,355
one of which is here

868
00:19:38,271 --> 00:19:40,355
in California,

869
00:19:40,355 --> 00:19:41,855
which is in North America.

870
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:45,063
Sadly, I know

871
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:45,063
all of this now.

872
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:45,063
That's it.

873
00:19:45,063 --> 00:19:47,313
The engineer ... He never has to

874
00:19:45,063 --> 00:19:47,313
leave the controls.

875
00:19:47,313 --> 00:19:49,188
He waits

876
00:19:47,313 --> 00:19:49,188
for the horseshoe turn.

877
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,396
Then he plugs the Earl

878
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,396
in the caboose. I heard it.

879
00:19:52,396 --> 00:19:54,230
This is brilliant!

880
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,730
I can't believe you two clowns

881
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,730
have saved my book.

882
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,855
Actually,

883
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,855
it's just one clown.

884
00:19:59,855 --> 00:20:02,438
One magician.

885
00:20:02,438 --> 00:20:04,063
Hey, Mom! Hi!

886
00:20:02,438 --> 00:20:04,063
Hi, Mom!

887
00:20:04,063 --> 00:20:06,563
Well, hello,

888
00:20:04,063 --> 00:20:06,563
original family.

889
00:20:06,563 --> 00:20:08,230
Dede, we have something

890
00:20:06,563 --> 00:20:08,230
we have to tell you.

891
00:20:08,230 --> 00:20:10,146
Now, I know there's

892
00:20:08,230 --> 00:20:10,146
a delicate way to say this.

893
00:20:10,146 --> 00:20:11,938
Just can't think of it.

894
00:20:11,938 --> 00:20:14,063
Your fiancé's a pyro.

895
00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:16,188
He burnt down

896
00:20:14,063 --> 00:20:16,188
his ex-wife's house.

897
00:20:16,188 --> 00:20:20,105
It's just like you three

898
00:20:16,188 --> 00:20:20,105
to try to ruin my big day.

899
00:20:20,105 --> 00:20:21,938
Mom, we just thought

900
00:20:20,105 --> 00:20:21,938
you should know.

901
00:20:21,938 --> 00:20:23,396
Jerry told me everything.

902
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,230
Trust me.

903
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,230
She had it coming.

904
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:26,605
The woman's "cah-razy."

905
00:20:26,605 --> 00:20:28,563
So, you're okay

906
00:20:26,605 --> 00:20:28,563
he's a firebug?

907
00:20:28,563 --> 00:20:30,480
He's passionate, Jay.

908
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,938
He knows how to express

909
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,938
his feelings, unlike you.

910
00:20:33,938 --> 00:20:35,980
Maybe if you had

911
00:20:33,938 --> 00:20:35,980
burned our house down,

912
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,605
we'd still be together.

913
00:20:37,605 --> 00:20:39,230
My mistake.

914
00:20:37,605 --> 00:20:39,230
You're right, Dede.

915
00:20:39,230 --> 00:20:41,855
Great, Mom.

916
00:20:39,230 --> 00:20:41,855
See you at the wedding.

917
00:20:39,230 --> 00:20:41,855
Bye.

918
00:20:41,855 --> 00:20:43,896
Claire, you're not mad at me

919
00:20:43,896 --> 00:20:45,563
about your

920
00:20:43,896 --> 00:20:45,563
seating arrangements?

921
00:20:43,896 --> 00:20:45,563
Why? Where am I sitting?

922
00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:47,855
Mitchell, tell her.

923
00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:47,855
Got to run.

924
00:20:49,146 --> 00:20:51,313
You're not sitting

925
00:20:49,146 --> 00:20:51,313
at the family table.

926
00:20:51,313 --> 00:20:52,813
Hello!

927
00:20:57,605 --> 00:20:58,980
Phil sent me

928
00:20:57,605 --> 00:20:58,980
his Silverton fan fiction,

929
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,021
"Open House, Closed Casket."

930
00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:03,105
"He looked up

931
00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:03,105
at the pristine crown molding

932
00:21:03,105 --> 00:21:04,896
in the great room

933
00:21:03,105 --> 00:21:04,896
and felt the breeze

934
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:07,105
of the recently updated

935
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:07,105
central air.

936
00:21:07,105 --> 00:21:10,605
'Mrs. Coruthers, just as

937
00:21:07,105 --> 00:21:10,605
this desirable corner lot

938
00:21:10,605 --> 00:21:14,730
was split in half,

939
00:21:10,605 --> 00:21:14,730
so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.'

940
00:21:14,730 --> 00:21:16,730
The widow gasped

941
00:21:14,730 --> 00:21:16,730
and steadied herself

942
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:19,271
on the granite kitchen island,

943
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:19,271
a fitting metaphor

944
00:21:19,271 --> 00:21:21,980
for how alone she felt,

945
00:21:19,271 --> 00:21:21,980
despite being walking distance

946
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:25,813
to a vibrant shopping district

947
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:25,813
and wonderful schools."

948
00:21:25,813 --> 00:21:28,021
I've been avoiding him

949
00:21:25,813 --> 00:21:28,021
for the last two weeks.

950
00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:30,980
Don't answer that!

951
00:21:34,063 --> 00:21:36,646
Captions by VITAC :