Hey, baby brother!
Let's not insult us both.
How much do you need?
Mom paid my car insurance
this month, and I told
her I'd have it today ...
The number,
the number.
$120.
Grandpa got me a job
at his country club,
and I've been cleaning up
in tips.
I also like
the way those guys talk.
There's actually an ethnic slur
for Norwegians.
It's ice ers.
Hey, buddy,
they canceled my showing,
so I can drive you
to work.
That looks good.
What is it?
Lobster Thermidor
from the country club.
There's also cherries jubilee
in the fridge.
Mmm.
Look at us eating
like rich people in the '50s.
Hey, Mom!
Have a good day at work.
Uh, I already did that.
It's 3:30.
How are you
just waking up?
I set my alarm for noon.
I must have slept through it.
I was working late
promoting a new club.
Oh, by the way,
here is the insurance money.
Thank you.
A lot of singles
in there.
What exactly do you do
at this club?
Oh, right.
'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex.
Oh, my God, do you really think
I'm a stripper?
No.
Okay, well, I'm off.
I'm signing up
for some business classes
at community college.
Business class,
huh?
Sounds like somebody's
been influenced
by living under
the same roof
with a certain
captain of industry.
Thank you, honey,
but none of my success
would have been possible without
your support as a homemaker.
Sweetheart,
while I am very flattered
by your sudden interest
in business,
how about instead of
another class, you get a job?
Get your hands a
little dirty, huh?
She could run her hands
through her hair.
That would do it.
I've already
pre-registered.
Also, I signed us up
for that book signing tonight.
You still in?
Absolutely.
Got my book
right here.
Trying to make it look like
you read it?
Amateur.
So, I don't really have
a job title
or even
a set place to work,
so I kind of
just float around
and make sure
everyone has what they need.
4:00,
Your Honor.
Don't forget
to take your medicine.
Well, all these
powerful guys.
You can make connections here
that'll last forever.
Not really.
We have
a lot of turnover here.
That flag outside has been
at half-mast since April.
Oh.
That's why
we have these.
Oh.
How's that work?
You find a member
to sponsor you,
come have some drinks
with the committee,
and they vote
a few people in.
Similar process to a secret
cheer society I was in.
Skull and Pom-Poms.
I've said
too much already.
Are you thinking
of joining?
Both my partners
are in clubs.
They've drummed up
a lot of business.
Maybe I ...
Hey, there's Jay.
Maybe he can ...
Jay. Jay!
Jay, Jay, Jay!
Go, go, go!
Jay, wait up!
I think
someone's calling for you.
I didn't hear anything.
What's wrong with this cart?
You got the brakes on?
Go!
Ow! Your spikes.
Hey, hey, hey!
Cramps.
Luke and I
just split a Beef Wellington
and clams casino.
Um, I'm wondering
if you'd, uh, sponsor me
for the new-members thing
tonight.
Gee, I'd like to,
but they got rules
about relatives
sponsoring new members, so ...
No, they don't.
I just did it.
Gee,
they must have changed that.
Oh, great, I'll see you tonight.
What time should I be here?
Oh, I think it starts
about 9:30.
No, it'll be over by then.
It starts at 7:00.
They must have
changed that, too.
Thanks, Jay.
See you at 7:00.
Wait, that was
Claire's husband, right?
Yes, it was, Anders,
you stupid ice
I haven't had one night
to myself in six months,
but tonight,
Manny's going to a party.
And if I can get Joe
tired enough to go to sleep,
I can finally relax
and take a long, nice bath.
I even have a wine glass
that floats.
In case I fall asleep,
nothing bad can happen.
Ohh.
Okay,
little reindeer,
we didn't get
to the North Pole yet.
Ooh.
I'm tired
of this game.
Well, we need to take this food
to Santa Claus.
If not,
he's gonna starve to death.
Which shirt
for the party ...
the canary
or the daffodil?
We're not
doing this again.
I just the herringbone
or the tweed for your vest.
Just pick one
and go.
Okay.
Oh, well, this needs ironing.
Okay, jump on.
Rudolph,
to the laundry room!
Ohh.
I know it's just
community theater,
but aren't opening nights
so exciting?
Yes,
the cream of society
decked out
in their finest flip-flops.
Mitchell.
Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.
I haven't seen you
since high school!
Uh, yes, it's been years,
huh, uh, T-T-Tammy.
Hey,
let me know
if you want to roll around
under the bleachers again, doll.
Oh.
That's weird ... I feel like
I would've remembered her.
Why was she wearing
a name tag?
I don't know.
Oh, there he is!
Remember that time
in band
when you dropped your flute
in the gutter?
I'm sorry ... I never played
the flute or anything ...
Ha!
Old gutter flute.
Okay,
what is going on?
Why is everyone
talking to me?
I think
they're just being friendly.
Cam, oh, my God.
Is ... Is this one of those
interactive theater experiences?
Oh, do you mean
where the audience participates
and the line between
performer and spectator
is delightfully blurred?
Mitchell, we're at
a high-school reunion!
Stop pretending, all right?
You tricked me.
I did not.
You always trick me.
Every time
we leave the house,
it's like a game
of Three-card Monte.
Interactive theater
is fun.
It's not fun.
It's never fun.
It's the worst thing
that can happen to a human
during peace time.
Okay, you know what,
Mitchell?
Please,
I'm on the board,
and I couldn't
not bring my husband
while everyone else's
significant other
is happy
to be here.
It's interactive?
You son of a bitch.
There's a quote
for your poster.
Front door open.
Ay, no!
Please. Who? Who?
Ay, what the hell
are you doing here?
I had the most humiliating
experience of my entire life.
I may never
leave this house again.
Okay,
you're just tired.
I'm gonna make you an espresso,
and you go back.
No, I can't
go back there.
Did you get in trouble again
for adjusting the lighting?
You're still young.
You can take
a bright bulb.
I was flirting
with Ava Morris,
and I walked
into a coffee table
and hit my shin
really hard
and started crying
in front of everyone.
Bad enough ...
but then I noticed I spilled
my drink on my crotch area,
creating
a very incriminating stain.
I ran to the bathroom and
started drying it with a towel,
but the door swung open,
and I was viewed
by my classmates
vigorously attending
to my groin.
Oh, and did I mention
the picture of Ava's grandmother
water skiing in a bikini
that was directly in my eyeline?
That happens to everyone
sometimes.
You're gonna be fine
once you drink ...
Ay, no!
Hi, Mama!
Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!
In the workplace,
we women have been told
to suppress it,
contain it, ignore it.
Well, you know what I say?
Grab it!
Grab it.
Alex is not
my most expressive child,
but when she enrolled
in a business class
and then signed up
for a lecture series
called "Meet the She-E-O,"
it was pretty clear to me
what she was trying to say ...
"I admire you, Mom."
So, what do you think?
Quiet.
I think ...
Stop talking.
I mean, sure, it was tough ...
raising three kids
and running a business.
But when the chance
to be She-E-O arose,
I had only one thought.
Grab it.
I get it.
I grabbed it.
I will move
my seat.
A mother knows
how to read between the lines.
Alex's mouth may have said,
"You're embarrassing me."
But her heart was saying,
"You're inspiring me."
"Leave me alone."
"Show me the way."
"Are you still talking?"
"Never stop rocking."
Okay, first question.
Ah, right up front.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, I'm Alex.
Long-time reader,
first-time grabber.
Anyway, I'm a biochemistry major
at CalTech,
but your book got me thinking
about a business career.
And now I'm considering
double-majoring,
but is that taking on
a little too much?
Alex, look at me.
If you can think it,
you can grab it.
Aah! Oh, my God!
You're my hero, Nancy.
Thank you.
Who's next?
Hmm?
I've got a ...
just a quick comment.
Um, I also raised
three children,
and I am the She-E-O
of a large company.
And I got to say,
it's like
looking in a mirror, Nancy.
That's great.
What's the company?
Pritchett's
Closets and Blinds.
You sell
closets and blinds?
Mm-hmm.
I could understand shutters
and blinds or closets and...
We're good,
Nancy.
What I wanted to talk about
was how on page 1 of your book,
you say you had hard time
not bringing your work home.
That was just a joke.
As you remember, my business
was started in my garage.
Ah.
So, you know how it's not
just family time that matters.
It's quality family time.
I agree.
That's why I home-school
all three of my children.
The conference table
in our boardroom
actually rests
on their play structure.
What am I saying?
Stand up, kids?
Aww!
So, three daddies?
You sound insane!
All right.
Hey, Pritch,
isn't that your gay son?
Son-in-law.
You've got
a gay son-in-law, too?
I'm not doing this dance
with you guys again.
I don't know
what I was worried about.
All I had to do
was let Phil be Phil.
He'd never get past the vote.
Fortunately, clueless boobs
are one group
the Supreme Court
can't force us to let in.
So, tell us
about yourself, Phil.
Well, uh, you and I have
something in common, actually.
We're both Congressmen.
Go on, with that,
Phil.
You're in
the state congress,
and I was in
the Junior Tumbling Congress.
I was
in Tumbling Congress.
You trampoline?
I'm on my tramp
like three nights a week!
The rest of the time,
I'm ... I'm with my wife.
So, I go back
to the seller
with an all-cash
no-contingency offer
that'd pay off
both his mortgages
and leave enough
after capital gains
to put a down payment
on a condo.
I give him an hour
or I'm pulling the offer.
I love this story.
It's like a western.
It was a nightmare.
Tumbling stories, bad jokes,
and they ate it up!
I'd say they were being polite,
but I've personally seen
two of those guys
hit pedestrians
and not even slow down!
No, true story!
True story.
One second.
These guys are great.
Listen.
You need one more move
to drive this home,
and I'm thinking,
what does Phil
bring to the party no else does?
Magic.
Are you sure?
I'm a little rusty.
My money's on you.
Go big,
then go home.
Sounded like you said ...
Hey, everybody!
Phil's gonna do
a little magic trick for you.
Okay, uh...
This one is for
all of the lawyers in the room
because you're so good
at making our money...
disappear.
Oh, hold on.
Um...
Congressman Morley,
enough with the taxes.
You don't see us
making you pay...
through the nose.
Okay, hold on.
Nobody move, I got this!
Oh!
Who am I kidding?
I can't fall asleep.
Every car alarm,
every whistle of the wind
sounds like
people laughing at me.
It's all
in your imagination.
I just want
to Netflix and Mom.
Manny,
you don't understand.
An hour ago,
I had made the perfect tub!
Yeah, thanks again for that,
but it didn't help.
Sugar!
I love sugar!
Okay,
that is it!
You don't want
to go to sleep!
And you don't want
to go to the party!
Then I'm canceling
the nighttime!
Mom?
You heard me.
It's tomorrow.
We're going to school.
Wait for me
in the car.
Hey, Jay.
If you get this,
please come ...
No one
can help you now!
Yo, looks like
everyone made it.
But where's Vlad?
The exchange student
from Latvia?
I haven't seen him.
I'd love to catch up
with that dreamboat.
So much has happened
since high school.
Alcoholism.
I tried to find happiness
in the bottom of a bottle.
A shattering depiction
of human suffering.
But enough
about how I felt.
I just keep remembering
how Vlad and I
had the best time
in high school.
For some of us,
that was the last best time.
Vietnam.
Oof.
What time period
was all this taking place?
It didn't make any sense.
The way things ended
with me and Vlad,
it still haunts me.
A lot of things
haunt me.
It was the night of the prom.
Car accident.
Shh.
The roads were very icy.
Car accident.
You don't know.
Through the mist,
I saw the truck's headlights.
When I came to, the doctor
told me we'd been in a horrible
car accident!
Car accident.
Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.
Mitchell, this is the theater.
Have some respect.
All you have to do
is sit there and be quiet.
Tammy, you are never
gonna believe who's here.
Who?
Vlad.
Oh, my God,
where?
Out there.
There he is.
That's Vlad.
I swear I didn't know
they were gonna pick you.
They probably
assumed you were fun
because you were with me.
They didn't know.
Vlad, come up here.
Move your country ass.
I'm ... I'm leaving.
No, no.
Just go up there,
hug Tammy,
and wait
for the surprise ending.
I don't care about
the surprise ending!
You go be Vlad.
I can't be Vlad because
I am the surprise ending.
What?
And it's a show-stopper.
I've been rehearsing
for weeks.
Now, just stop being selfish
and get up there.
Just do it!
We all want
to get out of here!
Vlad.
I didn't know how,
I didn't know when,
but I was gonna get him.
Vladdie, sweetie,
you're here.
Oh, you're really here.
Not okay.
Oh, what a happy ending.
I'll say.
Okay, okay.
That ...
That is your gum.
What a great reunion.
Yeah,
everybody made it.
Almost everybody.
Oh.
Hello, students!
Janitor Joe!
Or should I say
farewell?
All of a sudden, I knew how.
Hello again, students.
Or should I say
farewell?
And I knew when.
Wait, wait, does ...
does anybody else
see his ghost
right now?
What?
Yeah, who could forget
how he courageously
showed up to our 25th
and then ... and then died
in front of all of us.
No, I'm about to die
right now.
Mm-hmm, in fact, I ...
I remember his death
went a little something
like ... like this.
I've lived
a long life.
Mitchell,
what are you doing?
Many friends.
Oh, my beautiful Bess.
Even took a trip
to Washington, D.C.,
and had my picture made
with the Congressman.
Never had any children,
of course.
Which is why it was so important
that I made it here tonight.
To see each of you.
You are my children!
And I want to leave you
with this one last thing.
Do not go gentle ...
Do not go gentle
into that good night.
Rage!
Rage against
the dying of the light!
And I don't feel good either.
Yeah,
good save.
Find anything
on "Grab It" lady?
"Nancy Decker lawsuit" ...
nope.
"Nancy Decker nose job" ...
nope.
"Nancy Decker kills..." ...
Oh!
"... at CEO
comedy night."
Hello, we're here.
Gloria?
Haley,
you remember that day
when you said
that if I ever needed a nanny,
you would love
to take care of Joe?
Well,
here you go.
No, no.
You can keep him
for as long as you want.
Thank you.
Uh, no, uh, that doesn't really
sound like me,
plus I have a 9-to-5 job now,
so bye.
Please take me
with you.
What's going on?
Mama's crazy.
I am not crazy!
I just canceled the night.
Manny, maybe you could
help out here.
Mom's upset
because Joe won't go to sleep
and I won't
go back to a party.
You won't go back
to a party? Why?
I suffered an unfortunate series
of embarrassing incidents.
I just want a wine bath
and to go to sleep.
Listen up, Manny.
Of course you want
to run away
from whatever happened
back that party.
Anybody would.
But that just guarantees
that it sticks with you forever.
But if you march back in there
and you own it,
you let those people know
that you're better than them,
and you will be
a legend.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
You, get on the couch,
go to sleep.
But I'm not tired.
Don't care.
Five, four, three...
Okay, I'm going!
two...
"Okay, I'm going"?
I spend hours trying,
and then you just come one ...
The only thing I did
was not be their mother.
Look, I don't get it, either,
but for some reason...
the kids respond
better to other adults.
Yeah,
but that's not fair.
Well, most of being a parent
isn't fair.
Right now,
Alex is obsessed
with some
CEO business woman author
who's basically
an older-looking version of me.
We're the same age,
by the way.
You know that Alex
look up to you, right?
Not by anything
she says, no.
Yeah,
they never say it.
I guess they think
that they're giving the parents
too much power.
They find little ways
to express it.
Being a mom
is like being a model.
You have to learn
how to live on crumbs.
Hmm.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
Right.
Honey, I'm so sorry about
the way I was tonight.
It's okay.
I actually got to go backstage
and meet Nancy.
She invited a few of us
out for coffee.
Oh, fun.
Yeah, no, uh,
not fun, actually.
All she did
was talk about herself.
It really just seemed like
she wanted an audience.
And when the check came,
you know what she didn't do?
Grab it.
Sorry.
Joe's sleeping
in the couch.
Can he stay here?
Okay, thank you so much.
Well, I mean,
the night wasn't a total waste.
After she left,
I sat there thinking,
"Why am I taking
a business course anyway?"
I should go out in the world
and do something.
So I saw a help-wanted sign
in the coffee shop
and got a job
as a barista.
Really?
Yeah,
I start tomorrow.
I'm excited.
I just thought,
why not get out there
and get my hands
a little dirty, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Good night.
Sauna over here.
Hot tub that way.
Legend has it
that the holes
in the individual
shower partitions
were cigar holders.
At least that's the story
we're sticking to.
Follow me, folks.
Ever been in here,
Jay?
This looks like
a good place
to sweat out
some Peach Melba.
Uh-oh.
What did you do?
I'm stuck.
I think there's a wet towel
wedged underneath the door.
Could you
pull on it?
Is this gonna happen
all the time now?
Me babysitting you
every minute of the day?
It won't budge.
Oh, wait, I think
I found the emergency button.
No, no!
Okay!
Jay, I'm trying
not to panic.
Stand back ...
I'm gonna throw
one of these emergency rocks
through the glass!
Aah-aah!
That's hot!
I'm texting
the front desk.
Listen, Phil,
I can't do this.
You're leaving me here?
No, I can't have you
at this club!
This is my place,
damn it.
No!
I'm sorry, Phil.
Can't you find
another club?
I mean,
look at my life.
I mean,
I built my house,
and before I even lived in it,
I got married.
And that's fantastic.
And then
I have my study,
where I can close the door
and have a glass of Scotch.
And now it's Joe's room,
and that's fantastic.
But this is the only place
I have left
that I don't have to share
with my family.
I don't want to be that guy,
but did you send that text yet?
The one place
I feel special ...
they call me "Ace"
and "Jay Boy" and "Pritch."
I'm not comfortable
other places, okay?
But you ...
you fit in everywhere.
The whole world
is your club!
But I have this place!
You get that,
right?
Maintenance arrived
one minute later
and packed him in ice
from the seafood bar,
and he was as good as new.
How you feeling?
Better.
Jay, I was thinking about
what you said before.
It was so honest
and sensitive.
And vulnerable.
Hey.
No one needs to know
about that.
Anyway,
this is your club.
I'm ...
I'm dropping out.
Well, you deserve it
just as much as I do.
It's fine.
I can't let you
give all this up.
For God's sake,
there's the club chair
Fatty Arbuckle
anxiously awaited his verdict.
Jay, I mean it.
Well, at least let me
give you something in return.
You name it.
Really?
Yeah.
Well...
I don't like
how happy you look right now.
This is living, huh?
How long
do we have this thing for?
Only three hours.
You saw the sign.
Every bounce counts!
Yes!
Get you some!
Get it!
The way things ended with me
and Vlad, it always haunted me.
Cam wasn't wrong
about this.
We paid
for the whole seat,
but we're only using
the edge of it.
You know,
I only owe you so much.
You don't get
an unlimited number of these.
Tammy, you are never
gonna believe who's here.
Who?
Vlad.
Oh, my God,
where?
Out there.
I think might
duck out early.
There he is.
That's Vlad.
Lucky!
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