Ahh, breakfast lasagna!
Great call, honey.
Stay away from it.
It's for everybody
tonight.
That's two meals away.
Hello.
Hey, Colonel, what's up?
Mommy, could Ivan
come for dinner?
No, senor,
'cause tonight
the whole family
is coming over for dinner,
'cause we're gonna vote on
where we're going
on vacation this year.
A vote with
a moral stain on it,
since ballots are reserved
for land-owning adults.
Because nobody wants to go
to the birthplace
of Edgar Allan Poe.
Damn Colonel screwed me
and took his name
off my petition.
I'm trying to overturn
this dumb rule the club passed
banning cigars within
40 feet of the main lodge.
When my country
passed a law
that allowed them
to draft 14 year olds,
you said,
"These things happen."
I just bought a box of
El Conquistador Especiales.
And they deserve to be smoked
in a fine leather chair,
not out by the fountain
in some heavily-spidered area.
I don't want this
in my house.
Can't smoke at home,
can't smoke at the club.
Maybe Stella has room
in her doghouse.
Where is she, anyway?
Haven't seen her
since the morning.
I don't know where Stella is.
I think
it has something to do
with the shock collar
that I had to put on her
because she kept
running away.
Maybe I tell Jay that I thought
it was a necklace.
He was the one
who wanted to pierce her ears.
Hey sweetie,
your breakfast is on the table.
Ah, what's this?
Oh!
Ooh, let me guess.
The guy in the cologne ad.
I've named him.
It's Giovanni.
He's in love with me.
Well, he's leaving you
for me.
I'm sorry.
We never meant
for it to happen.
What's that?
Toast, toast is done.
Those Russian brothers
who are renting
the unit upstairs,
are they...
Gone.
Because it's already been
30 days, okay?
And the rules
are very clear.
I know all about
squatter's rights, Mitchell.
Why do you always
have to treat me
like I'm some
irresponsible...
Idiot?
The Russian brothers
wanted one more night.
So I took cash,
and I didn't tell Mitchell,
and now they won't leave.
We have squatters.
First termites,
now squatters.
At least the termites
weren't my fault.
Look at this
beautiful side table
somebody just left
on the street.
Oh, do you need a hand?
No, it's like
ridiculously light.
Flapjacks for mi amore?
Oh, grazie.
Ugh. I don't know
what's more syrupy ...
you two or Luke's chin.
That's weird.
I haven't had breakfast yet.
You'll have
to excuse us.
Your father and I watched
a very romantic movie
last night.
Okay, Google,
play the soundtrack
to "Spaghetti for Pepe."
Playing soundtrack.
Ooh.
Mi scusa.
Whoa.
Watch the new kicks.
What?
You have another pair
of new sneakers?
What is that job at the club
paying you?
It's the tips, mom.
There's this one lady,
hold the door for her ...
10 bucks.
Bring her an ice tea with lemon,
another 10 bucks.
Best tips I ever made
was when we passed the hat
after a performance
of my improv group,
"Rule of Three."
We were known for our sketches,
song parodies,
and full-frontal nudity.
Uhp.
Hello?
You are
all out of orange juice.
I understand.
I have to go out
for orange juice.
Yes, I understand.
I have to go out
for orange juice.
Mitchell?
I have to go out
for orange juice.
Thank you for coming.
I have a problem with Russians.
Being married to a Pritchett
is great.
So great!
The best!
But they can be
a ... a tad judgmental.
Almost punitive.
They are monsters.
That's why the three of us
formed a ... a secret alliance
to help each other
cover up our ...
our little mistakes.
Like back in December,
when I hastily purchased
an expensive prop
for an open house.
Thanks so much
for hiding it.
Claire would kill me.
And it's only till Monday,
when I can return it.
Don't worry.
Ay, Ay!
Hi!
Oh, welcome home!
You're so early, right?
Not really.
There is that smile that I love.
Why don't you
take me to lunch?
Okay.
What happened here, anyway?
You get into
Joe's scented markers again?
So now, I have scary
Russian squatters
who won't leave.
We'll have a small window
when Mitchell goes to the gym.
He usually stretches,
takes a lap
around the locker room,
and then gets a smoothie.
You two
deal with the Russians,
and I'll keep Mitch
distracted.
Anything else?
Yes.
Our gate is broken,
and Stella keeps
getting out in the street.
I bought her a shock collar.
We thought about getting one
when Luke was younger.
Claire ended up just shaking
a can of pennies at him.
It spooked her
and she's hiding.
We need to find her
before Jay does and
sees the collar.
He has warned me many times
not to get one
because they are cruel.
All right, we'll deal
with the Russians first,
then come find Stella
before the big vote.
We do not have much time.
We need to go.
I actually ordered
a sandwich.
Is Rainer not here yet?
Oh, no, he is.
He, uh, signed a head shot
I didn't ask for,
and then went
to the bathroom.
There's his daughter.
I've never met a boyfriend's
daughter before.
I mean,
I went out with Stacy's dad,
but I've known her
since, like, kindergarten.
You're nervous?
I mean, how could this go wrong?
She's a teenage girl.
That's when you peaked.
I know.
I guess
I just really like this guy,
and I want
to be able to show him
I can fit into
the more complicated
parts of his life.
Hey, princess.
Hey!
Hey.
Six people filmed me
arguing with that meter maid,
and no one caught
this adorable moment?
Mwah.
So,
you must be April.
Uh, yeah?
April, tone.
I'll grab a chair.
Sorry. That's work.
Gotta take that.
Anyways, I'm Haley,
your dad's, uh ...
Latest?
Yes!
Flash flood in the Mohave,
they need me to cover.
The water's already ramp high
at the senior center.
You know, a puppy floats
by on a pizza box,
this could be national.
Oops, snakes.
Our day!
I'll just go
to mom and Jeff's.
No, no, we were supposed to
get to know each other today.
Um, I can watch you.
Because I'm 4?
Oh, tone.
Are you sure?
Yes. Girls day.
We'll meet you later.
Oh, okay, thank you
for understanding, sweetie.
No problem.
Tragedy strikes.
Dozens dead.
Tragedy strikes.
Dozens dead.
And our final order of business
is our entry
to this year's
Expo Internacional du Closet.
What do we got?
Okay, so we all know
that Europeans prefer
strong but simple lines...
Mm-hmm.
which is why I think
that we should go with
the Trafalgar.
Interesting.
It's sturdy, dependable.
On the other hand,
the Matterhorn is a chance
to shake things up.
Think about
what the Danes did in '02.
Also valid.
It's bold, innovative.
Ah, gotta take this.
Civil rights issue
over at the club
I have to deal with.
Hello.
What's so funny?
What are you laughing at?
It's so cute
how nervous you are
about your first expo.
It's like every time
we throw out an idea,
you have to look to see
what your dad is thinking.
I don't do that.
I-I-I don't
do that at all, Dom.
Maybe you do that
with your dad, so...
Gary won't sign my petition
unless I sign his.
It'll be a cold day in hell
before that hippie
tees off in flip-flops.
Where were we?
I was just about
to make my decision
between the Trafalgar
and the Matterhorn.
Mm-hmm.
I got the power suit,
the corner office.
A closet doesn't get installed
in this town
without me knowing about it.
But one important decision,
and suddenly I'm this pig-tailed
little girl in Mary Janes
looking to daddy
to tell me I'm smart.
Uh, it's... too important
a decision to make right now.
I'm just gonna take
the rest of the day
to think about it.
Okay, but Munich
needs to know by 5:00.
I know,
but this is a tough choice.
Is it?
Hey, I brought your clothes
for tonight.
Oh, thank you honey,
that's so sweet.
How's it going with, um...
The Wi-Fi won't work,
and this whole place
smells like Cup O' Noodles.
Mom, this is April,
Rainer's daughter.
Pleasure to meet you.
Hi. So, I'm gonna
look for a ladies' room.
Do they have those
in factories?
Uh, we do, yes.
It's just down the hall.
Just down the hall.
Thanks, echo.
What's so funny?
Oh, just you dealing
with a teenage girl.
Not as easy as it looks,
is it?
Excuse me.
I'm doing just fine.
Hey, kiddo.
We gonna see you tonight
for the big vacation vote?
You bet.
Mind if I bring
an unbearable teenager?
What's one more.
Listen, I'm gonna
run over to the club
and scare up one last signature
for my cigar petition.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Oh, have you decided
on what closet for the expo?
'Cause I was thinking ...
No! No, no, no.
No, thank you.
I will let you know
when I have made my decision.
Sure.
Sandwich looks good.
Does it?
Does it look good to you?
'Cause that doesn't mean
it's a good sandwich.
It's not. As a matter of fact,
it's not a good sandwich.
All right,
see you guys later tonight.
Uh-huh.
Just do it.
Okay.
Luke?
Buddy?
Kevin, was that my grandson
taking off in that sportscar?
Yeah, it was.
That's quite a spin
on that response.
What's going on?
Maggie Braithwait
has some work for him
to do around her house.
She's got an eye
for the young ones.
Should I be worried?
She might try
and pressure him a little,
but Luke's a smart kid,
right?
Damn it.
Oh, thank God
you're here.
I can hear the Russians upstairs
laughing at democracy.
All right, shall we?
No. I work alone.
If you hear two bodies
hit the floor, it's done.
If you hear three,
one tried to get back up.
Okay...
Oh! I'm so sorry!
Phil!
Oh, Mitchell!
Wow, that's crazy.
Is ... is this your gym?
Yeah.
Oh.
I was just heading
into the post office.
You mind keeping me company?
They're always quick.
Oh, well,
actually, I gotta ...
I don't have my keys.
Oh, I must have
dropped them.
Oh, no. Well, I'll ...
I'll help you check the gym.
You remember what machines
you were using?
All of them.
We scoured that gym.
It actually did take
a crazy long time,
because Mitchell
kept getting lost.
But I still needed
a little more time.
Ugh, sorry that
took so long.
I can't pass up
a library book sale.
I mean, a dollar
for as many magazines
as you can fit
in the car.
Yeah, National Geo...
Land of Savages.
How old are these?
Hi, honey.
Hey, Phil, I know
you already went to the store
for O.J. this morning,
but can you go back
and grab some wine for tonight?
You got it.
Ciao, bella.
You went out for orange juice
this morning?
That's a coincidence.
Cam did too.
That is a coincidence.
That's ... that's really...
Hello.
What do you want?
Every day, I take Joe to a park
in a Russian neighborhood.
We like it there.
I have picked up a few phrases
that the Russian nannies
tell to the Russian kids.
Playtime is over.
Who are ...?
You are bad boys.
It's time to go.
You think she's for real?
Any woman that looks like that
and speaks Russian
must be connected.
Say goodbye to your friend.
It's nap time.
She must know the butcher.
I'm sure we can
work something out.
You want chicken fingers?
Please not my hands!
Well, it's pretty simple,
Mitch.
You just touch everything,
and then
when the tow truck guy
shows up
and sees your dirty paws,
he knows you're a pro.
Also, say "fan belt"
as often as you...
Mitchell?
Hello.
The red panda's
left the zoo.
Red panda?
Mitchell's code name!
I stalled him for as long
as I could, and he got away.
Okay, well,
how much time do I have?
I'm not sure.
I don't really know
where I am.
All I can see is ...
Oh, there's your house.
What?
Cam.
Hi, sweetheart!
Save the Southern charm,
Scarlett.
Phil was clearly just trying
to keep me from here.
What?
Yeah, I-I lost my keys,
and sudden...
suddenly he shows up and ...
Does this have
something to do
with the thud
we heard upstairs?
Mitchell,
I ... I say this with love,
but you're coming unhinged.
The suspicions,
the accusations,
the mechanical
sexual performance ...
Where has Mitchell gone?
Yeah, I'm ...
but I'm not a doctor,
so if you think something's
going on upstairs,
by all means,
let's go take a look.
You know,
on the other hand,
if I were a doctor,
I would say,
"What's up with all
the conspiracy theories?"
It's textbook paranoia.
Everyone's talking about it.
But again, not a doctor,
so shall we?
Huh.
Well, you know,
there are 30 different ways
to say "I'm sorry"
in Russian.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I was being paranoid.
Apology accepted,
and I'm sorry for calling
your lovemaking mechanical.
I actually really like your
shy, school teacher character.
Thanks.
El Conquistador Especial.
My dad's brand.
That doesn't explain
the lipstick, though.
No, my dad won't even wear
Chapstick.
He says
it's a gateway balm.
Grandpa?
Oh, geez.
I knew I should have
run that yellow.
Where's your shirt?
Mrs. Braithwait wanted me
to move some boxes,
and told me to take it off
so it didn't get dirty.
But I kinda
feel dirty anyway.
Grab your shirt.
We're leaving.
Luke, let's get those dirty,
tight pants in the wash.
Oh, hello.
How are ya?
I'm here to pick up
my barely-legal grandson.
I recognize you.
From the club, right?
You're the one fighting
that silly new cigar rule.
Excuse me?
Where'd you put my shirt?
Give us a minute, kid.
It is a dumb rule,
isn't it.
It's terrible.
My late husband loved
smoking in the main lodge.
Is that whose cologne
you made me put on?
Hey, hey, hey.
Boxes, right?
I've got a petition here.
Why don't you
read it quick?
You might want to sign it.
Oh, I'm not sure
now's such a good time.
My neck is so...
Luke, get in there.
Put your magic fingers
to work.
Mm. How do you know my body
this well?
Right there on the "X."
Ooh...
Oh, you seem relaxed.
I should stop.
Not just yet.
If it would be easier,
just hold the pen,
and I will move the paper
underneath.
If I'd have known
you were this good,
I would have had you
do my feet.
He's gonna get there.
He's working his way down.
Ahh.
Probably just your initials
would be okay.
You know what?
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna sign this later,
send it home with Luke.
All right, come on.
We're done.
Okay, but, uh...
you're definitely
gonna sign it, right?
Definitely, promise.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Luke, we should probably
get upstairs
and flip that mattress.
Luke, I'm sorry.
I forgot your mom
needs you home
for your piano lesson.
Let's go.
Gotta run. See ya.
Took you long enough.
Oh, please,
it was an extra 10 seconds.
What could have happened?
She asked me to do push-ups
while she put on
her wedding dress.
Wow, she jumped right
to the Honeymoon Handshake.
It has a name?
Don't you and your dad
ever talk?
Okay, we've searched
everywhere for Stella, no sign.
Yet. Don't worry, we'll find her
before the gray goat does.
Who?
Jay. Come on, guys,
I spend a lot of time
on those code names.
Okay, hurry, because
he takes a picture of her
every day
at the same time
because he's making
a flip book.
Ay, watch out, watch out.
I think Mitchell
is looking at us.
Okay, I thought I cooled
his suspicions this morning.
Laugh and disperse.
Ay!
Hey, mom. Red wine?
Oh, thanks.
Grandpa said
you'd like it.
Really?
Well, who cares
what he thinks?
Just 'cause he likes something,
I'm supposed to like it?
Unreal.
Mm, and of course,
it's gross.
Okay, well,
I'll just take it back then.
No, no! No need to make
a big deal out of things.
I'll just drink it.
Hey!
Any word from your dad?
He texted me, like,
two hours ago.
I told him how you
kept the car running
when you got gas
and could've
blown me up.
But you told him about
the fun things too right?
We had that huge cookie,
you spun away from
me fast and got your
hair in my mouth.
What was that for?
My friend Betsy
has an Insta about sad stuff.
Uh-huh...
Oh, I-I wasn't...
No, it's okay.
I don't judge.
I'm wearing a clear coat
on my nails.
Ah.
Yeah, I know,
what a chowder head.
Hey, speaking of
that regional delicacy...
I am not voting
to go to Boston
just so we could see
where America's first ghoul
was potty trained.
Care to wipe the lipstick
off my neck
from where
you bit my head off?
Hey ... And why is there
no orange juice?
My mom went out for some
this morning.
Really?
That you find interesting?
Might as well pack for SeaWorld
right now.
Hey, guys,
have you seen April?
Just saw her
a minute ago.
She had me pose
for some Instagram thing
her friend does.
What is this?
Clothes that don't come
from a mall.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm supposed to be
watching you.
I'm going to Betsy's.
My Uber's out front.
Who is this Betsy?
Are her parents
even home?
And you're 14.
You're not Ubering anywhere.
Also, you ...
you can lose the makeup
because you look like
a prostitute
at an electronics
convention.
Now, go wipe it off
and help set the table.
Huh.
What?
I'm ... I'm not used to being
all parenty, okay?
No, you did a great job.
Oh, thanks.
I just felt weird 'cause
you were standing right there,
and you're, like,
the expert.
Oh,
I am hardly the expert.
I still...
I still have my own stuff
to work on.
Hm.
Maybe I shouldn't have
called her a prostitute?
You gotta have fun
with it.
Hm.
Hey, dad.
I'm sorry
that I barked at you today.
It's just with this whole
Expo decision...
I hate feeling
like a little girl
that needs
her daddy's help.
But I guess there's no harm
in looking to the guy
who's been knocking it
out of the park for
25 years, right?
Nope.
And the best advice
that guy could give you is,
go with you gut...
'cause you're good
at this.
Thanks.
And I ... and I have
made a decision.
I'm going
with the Matterhorn.
Huh.
Damn it.
Look who I found!
Ay, thank God!
This is the first time
I'm so happy to see her.
Let's get this shock collar off
before he gets...
Hello, guys!
Oh!
There's my little baby.
Ah!
You two,
take these in the house.
I've got a couple
left in the trunk.
A little help, buddy.
Oh, on the other side
of the gate?
Come on, Phil!
Couldn't they just
circle back around?
Say what?
It's nothing.
All right, take that.
Oh, mama!
What's wrong with you?
Pick it up.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's pick it up.
Aah! Aah!
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Why are you making
those sounds?
I don't think that's...
Mm.
All right,
when you're done here,
come back
'cause there's more.
Okie-doke.
What the hell is that?
Is that a shock collar?
I don't know,
but this is a shocked face
because I have never seen
something like that in my life.
So you obviously
bought it.
I just didn't want Stella
to walk out in the street.
That's what a leash
is for!
You're a bad dog owner.
Bad dog owner!
Why did you have it?
Well, I know why.
Yeah, because they're
all working together.
Oh, here we go.
You should've heard
his paranoia this morning
about the ...
the Russian renters?
Oh, I'm glad ... I'm glad
you brought up the Russians
because look at
what I found!
That's my
El Conquistador Especial.
Gloria took that from me
this morning.
Oh, let me guess,
right before she went out
to buy orange juice.
That's right.
Except for she wasn't.
She was with Cam
getting rid of the squatters
while I was being stalled
by that man!
They helped me
hide a reindeer!
From a year ago?
Who knows how long
this has been going on.
Okay,
they've been in cahoots,
covering up
each other's mistakes
before we've even had
a chance to shame them.
Since this
little alliance
made a decision
to go behind our backs,
maybe we should make a decision
without them.
Oh.
Like where we're going
on vacation.
What?
No, por favor, no!
What? No!
You can't do that.
I like it. I like it.
Let's do this.
Let's go vote.
Yep.
We've got it.
Okay.
We've reached a decision.
Drum roll please.
(out-of-rhythm drum
plays)
Close enough.
The family is going to...
Italy!
Ah!
Yes!
Oh, my God!
That's awesome!
That's so awesome,
guys!
Yeah.
The cutest part is that they
think it was their idea.
Mmm,
what are you making?
I'm making an Italian dish
that Jay's mother
used to make.
Breakfast lasagna.
Great call, honey.
Hi.
Oh.
Hey, sweetie,
your breakfast is on the table.
Oh, what's this?
Oh!
I've named him.
It's Giovanni.
I'm still thinking about
that movie last night.
You picked a good one.
Only the Italians could make
something that romantic.
Flapjacks for mi amore.
Oh, grazie.
No offense, dad,
but I'm not sure these magazines
are the treasure
trove of information
you thought they were.
What are you
talking about?
Now and Forever.
Our mysterious Neighbor
to the North.
Don't hate these photos
of the lost tribes.
That's a human head
hanging off her skirt.
Kids, these magazines
harken back to a time
when man had to forage
and fight for his foods.
You guys have it too easy
nowadays.
You can lay around
eating snacks saying,
"Okay, Google,
dim the kitchen lights."
Sure thing.
Go ahead, Dad.
Okay, Google,
show me a video
of a kangaroo
playing badminton
with a pirate.
Sure, playing on YouTube.
What?