Hey, Jay.
Oh!
Welcome!
New Year's Day at Jay's.
My dad was driving in.
Things were looking up
after a bad morning.
Oh! Yeah!
Oh, man!
Look how high it goes!
I'm gonna try and spit
on a bird.
Did he just get
off the ride?
You know, honey, um,
I'm getting cold feet.
Maybe we should just ...
Well, if you're scared,
we should just go.
I'm disappointed, 'cause to me,
it seemed like a blast.
Oh!
My resolution
to live more dangerously
was off to a rocky start.
Help yourself
to my Christmas present.
Nothing like a frozen margarita
in a hot tub.
Lets nature know
we can do anything she can.
Well,
I'll take one to go.
Alex and I are just here
to raid your guys' closet
for some vintage clothing.
Yeah, we're going
to a '90s music festival
called Fo-shizzle-fest.
Okay,
get ready to pig out!
In six to eight hours.
I did Thanksgiving dinner
last year,
and it didn't go well.
Cam blew up the turkey
and made the goat
kill itself.
Anyhoo,
today is my comeback meal,
and I decided to keep it simple
and roast a pig.
So, you just dig a hole,
you put down a bed of coals,
then a layer of banana leaves,
lower the pig, cover it
with burlap and tin foil,
and ... Bam!
Six hours later,
you dig it all up,
put it on a platter,
and ... Bam!
dinner is served.
Guys,
just because you spent
Christmas in Missouri
doesn't mean
that we forgot about you.
Open your presents.
Oh, okay!
I'll go first.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, it's a gift certificate
for E-Butler.
It's a concierge service.
Use it for errands, tickets,
things like that.
Oh my God.
I love this!
It's like staying in a hotel,
but I don't have to wear gloves
to use the remote.
Okay, me next. Me next.
Oh... it's an apron
with ... with bells on it.
And it says,
"Cam and get it!"
Oh, so that's not
a mistake?
We spent extra cash
to get that custom made.
Came to me in a dream.
Put it on, buddy.
Let's, uh ... Let's get pictures
with you guys and your gifts.
Jay and Gloria,
get in there too.
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
- Oh, boy.
- I'll tie it.
- No, you won't.
- All right.
- I'll tie it.
- No.
Whoa!
Oh!
I told you Stella was trying
to kill me!
Well, that was a scare.
Nothing happened.
I know where
you're going with this.
This is why
I've been hounding you
about your estate planning.
No, Mitch.
Don't put that horrible thing
out in the universe!
Dad, you still
haven't done that?
They haven't updated their
paperwork since Joe was born.
Uh, God forbid something bad
should happen to them.
We don't even know
who'd they want to raise Joe.
Shh!
Will you stop scaring her?
I spend more money on eyelashes
than most of you do
on health care.
Fine, we'll do it today.
What better way
to start the new year
than by preparing for the worst?
Speaking of alive dads,
there's mine!
Oh!
So good to see you!
Oh!
How was the drive?
Fantastic.
My radio broke
around Tallahassee.
Aw.
But is there a better
entertainment source
than the billboards
of America?
Apparently, syphilis is making
a comeback.
Plus, you had me
to keep you company.
Lorraine?
Lorraine was my babysitter
growing up.
She was also my first crush
and also the star
of my first, um..."funny dream."
Yeah,
Lorraine used to bring out
the holy terror in Phil.
Oh.
It seemed like he wanted
to be spanked by her.
No, I did not.
How long
has this been going on?
Well, we reconnected
earlier this year on jury duty.
I was the lone holdout
on a triple homicide case.
Mm.
You can just feel when someone
is innocent, you know?
Mm-hmm.
But Lorraine said she'd go
out to lunch with me
if I changed my vote,
so here we are.
Phil, did ...
did you ever dream ...
No.
Last time I saw you,
you came up to here.
Okay, Claire will take you
that way to the back yard.
I'll go through the house
so we can finally know
which way's faster.
Okay, just a few
simple questions,
and your estate planning
is done.
What is this?
We don't need to put aside money
for Manny's college.
I already took care of it.
When Manny was born,
I didn't want to rely on anyone,
so I started saving money
from my paycheck.
Eventually, I made enough
money for Manny's college,
so if anything happens,
he'll be okay.
That's amazing.
How did I not see this
in the bank statements?
Why would I put money
that I might need
to run away with
in the middle of night
in the bank?
I put it
in my disappear bag.
It's hard not to take that
personally, but, um,
where is this bag?
It's in... in...
You forgot?
No.
That's why I made a song
so that it would always
help me remember.
I don't know.
One second.
Okay, Cam,
what are we ...
Okay.
Just ... Just be cool.
Just be cool.
Be cool?
You just jangled across the yard
like a big country tambourine.
All right, well, apparently,
the fire went out
and I didn't notice,
and now this pig is as cold
as your family is gonna be
when they figure out I ruined
another meal.
Okay, this is bad.
My dad does not like
to be pork teased.
Well, maybe we can get
a replacement pig.
Do you think your
concierge thing could help out?
Wha...
But I just got it today,
and ... and the card says,
"For Mitch stuff."
Mitchell,
one of my resolutions
was to cry less
outside the home.
Please help me get through
this day.
Gosh.
You know they only got me
six hours, right?
I know.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you for calling
E-Butler, Mr. Pritchett.
How may I make your day
more E-fficient?
Okay, um, well,
this is a weird request.
Keep in mind, erotic tasks are
billed at twice the normal rate.
Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly
deliver a whole roasted pig.
With extreme pleasure.
Requests like these
remind me why I E-buttle.
I knew that voice.
It was Keifth.
When I first moved here,
I was just a young
Missouri hayseed.
I-I bought
a ticket to the circus one day,
and there in the middle
of all the action,
in an impeccably pressed tuxedo,
was Ringmaster Keifth.
I started hanging out
at circus bars until we met.
The attraction was immediate.
He was older,
always in command of a room,
which makes sense because a room
is just a permanent tent.
We dated for six months.
He transformed me
into the sophisticate
that we all know today.
And then,
he suddenly disappeared.
No goodbye.
No note.
Just some peanut shells
on the floor
that must have... fallen
from his glorious black boot.
I found a trattoria
in Little Polynesia
that can spare
a fully roasted pig.
Sorry for the delay.
It w...
It was a minute and a half.
You can't know my shame.
I'll deliver the porcine parcel
within the hour.
Okay, that ... that is great.
I will ... I will see you then.
What is wrong with you?
Okay, my circus boyfriend
who left me
in the middle of the night ...
that was him.
And now he's coming here?
This is no way
to ring in a new year.
The money has to be here
somewhere.
This is all the stuff from when
we first moved in together.
Why do we have
a box of doll heads?
Oh, I guess you think
it's a coincidence
that we have never had
evil spirits in this house.
What about
these will questions?
If something happens to us,
who should raise Joe?
No, Jay, don't say that.
All right, look.
If someone other than us
needs to raise Joe,
I vote Mitch and Cam.
Nice balance.
Mitch is, uh, responsible,
he knows culture,
and Cam is basically a mom
who played college football.
Plus, Joe and Lily
are close in age.
Yeah,
but isn't she a little...
Direct?
You're not wrong.
She did five minutes on my nose
at Thanksgiving.
I mean, it's a little big,
but to say that it has
its own zip code,
that was too much for me.
What's this?
No, that is...
"If I ever go missing
or am found dead,
it was my husband"?
What the hell is this?
Ay! Calm down.
It was when we had
our first big fight.
Of course I knew that
you were not going to kill me.
I was just going
to run away and frame you.
Is it weird we've barely seen
Phil since we've been here?
He was always a wanderer.
It's the curse
of being a genius.
Oh.
Phil.
Trinidad and Tobago!
Why are you avoiding
Frank?
What?
I'm ...
Okay, there's something
you don't know.
She used to be your babysitter,
and you had the hots for her.
How?
What is the plan, honey?
Are you just
gonna avoid them?
I just need a minute to get
comfortable with this, okay?
I mean, did he always have
a crush on her,
even when
my mom was around?
It's one thing
for a 13-year-old
to position his babysitter
in front of an open refrigerator
so that he can enjoy
the backlit contours
of her beautiful body
in the silk blouse he stole
from Randall's mother.
But if he was doing
the same thing?
Uh,
moving past your decision
to steal trophy clothing
from Randall's mom,
maybe you could
just talk to your dad.
You know we don't talk
in my family.
We riff.
We do bits.
You know how my dad told me
my grandmother died?
In a knock-knock joke.
That is last year's Phil
talking.
In the spirit of living
more dangerously,
why don't you take
an emotional risk
and ... and try and have
an honest conversation
with your father?
Also, well, I may not be wearing
Randall's mothers blouse,
but I thought
maybe you'd like...
And he's gone.
Uh, da...
How am I saying it wrong?
His name is Keith.
No.
Keef?
It couldn't be simpler.
K-E-I-F-T-H.
Keifth.
Fth. Fth.
A remarkable name
for a remarkable man.
Isn't ringmaster basically
a ceremonial position?
Uh, wow.
I would love to live
in your fantasy world
where circuses
run themselves.
Okay.
Call and cancel.
Then who's gonna save
your dinner?
Besides,
we don't even know
if the concierge
is actually Keifth.
I'm gonna forget
the velvety baritone
that abandoned me
in the middle of the night?
And plus, he walks in here,
I lose it,
I don't want Lily
to see that.
Oh, she's not here.
She has that sleepover,
and she already leffffth.
Without saying goodbye?
Then it hit me.
It could be therapeutic for Cam
to see this ridiculously named
circus person who deserted him
because that incident could
be the very root
of his pretty intense
abandonment issues...
which are not unchallenging.
Mm.
Where are you going?
To the bathroom.
Well, have a nice life.
What about Phil and Claire
to take care of Joe?
I don't know.
Isn't Phil kind of silly?
What are you talking about?
Phil is a great father.
He's kind.
He's fun.
Even Lily likes him.
But is he too likeable?
Where's the gravitas?
He's full of energy.
He's sensitive,
and he never,
ever gets grumpy.
Fine. Why don't you give Joe
to Super Dad right now, then?
Oh, my God,
are you really jealous
because Phil might
be a better father than you?
I know it's stupid.
Not to mention the fact that
Joe gets Claire in the deal.
She's a fantastic mother.
Runs a company,
hell of a role model.
He could never do better
than that for a mother.
You know what, Phil and Claire
have already raised their kids.
I think it's time
for them to travel.
There.
That's where
my disappear bag was hanging!
You have, like, a hundred
missed calls from Gloria.
You have to come back right now.
Is everything okay?
What?
There must
be a bus stop nearby.
Until then, just act normal
like we don't have
$40,000 on us.
Okay, why are you whispering
only part of a sentence?
That's going to attract
attention.
Really?
More than you being covered
in sweat?
Because you look like
a sauna wall.
You're right. How do I make
myself stop sweating?
I don't know!
Oh, don't cry.
Crying's worse than sweating.
Oh look, now I'm crying too!
Maybe we can smile our way
out of this.
Phil?
Yeah?
Honey, come quick!
Your dad passed out in the RV.
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, Claire just accidentally
sprayed me with a garden hose.
Really?
Oh, Claire?
Sorry, stuck...
like many
father/son relationships.
So, uh,
place looks great.
Yeah, Lorraine really
spruced it up ...
curtains,
brass safety rails
over the privy.
That was really
a lifesaver.
She stopped short
on the I-90 once.
I came rolling out of there
like a Chinese acrobat.
Well, Lorraine seems good.
Hey, so Phil,
uh, you seem a little off today.
Me and Lorraine ... uh,
that doesn't bother you, right?
No. No.
Good.
It's the craziest thing.
She re-introduced herself,
and, uh, I didn't even remember
she was our babysitter.
Really?
Yeah.
Then she asked me out,
and you know, I don't get
a lot of offers,
so I thought, "What the heck?"
Sure.
That's what I figured.
But, uh, I'm just glad
you're having fun.
Well, I better go fill
this thing up
with some of Jay's
expensive Scotch.
Oh, actually,
I think the door's locked.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Well, Frank, I'm really sorry
about that hose thing.
Oh, no hard feelings.
Shirt needed freshening
anyway.
I haven't washed it
since we stopped
to take pictures at Smokey-Top,
Utah's longest,
continuously burning tire fire.
As I guess you heard,
I had no reason to be worried.
He didn't even notice when
Lorraine was my babysitter.
Plus, they're not even
that serious.
I felt a ring box
in his pocket.
What? No way.
Yep.
There's only one thing
shaped like that.
No, there isn't.
There's a million things ...
Rubik's Cube, sewing kit,
souvenir tire keychain
from Smokey-Top.
I can't think of anything
that's not shaped like that.
Let's assume for a moment
that I am right
and that was a ring box.
Maybe it's worth exploring
why the idea
of your dad remarrying
is setting you off
like this.
Maybe it's worth exploring
why you find so much joy
in tearing people down.
In previous generations,
they accused people like that
of being witches
and threw water at them
to see if they screamed.
Great.
Aah!
Witch.
Ah, Mr. Pritchett,
I presume.
Hi. Thank you so much
for coming.
I'm not sure
I caught your name.
Keifth Banks.
Yes.
At your ...
Mitchell,
sorry to interrupt.
I didn't know you were with
a common worker.
Can it be?
Hmm?
Cameron Tucker.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
You are...?
Keifth.
I-I don't believe I know ...
No, C-Cam,
didn't you tell me
you once dated someone
named Keifth?
Oh, yes.
Keifth.
What was it
you did again?
I remember you wore white gloves
and ... and gestured a lot.
Subway mime?
I commanded a circus.
Yes.
Now I remember.
How have you been?
I see you're in
pig delivery now?
I'm a concierge.
The circus business
has gotten rather difficult.
People today,
they don't have the patience
for the more elegant
pleasures of yesteryear ...
men putting their heads
into lion's mouths,
unfortunate little people
being shot from cannons.
I can't believe you... you're
meeting up again like this.
You must have
so much to catch up on
or ... or ... or work through.
Oh, well,
I'm sure Keifth would rather
just make the delivery
and disappear.
Start there.
To the matter at hand.
The swap will be difficult.
Fortunately, I have had a bit of
experience with misdirects ...
just tell the audience to keep
your eyes on the center ring!
They won't even notice
the trapeze act
suffering through the more
vivid stages of food poisoning.
That happened.
I was there.
Oh.
First, I will release
a live peacock ...
an exotic beauty
of the Orient ... into the yard.
Magical.
Then, I will need
something to lure him inside
to draw
the family's attention.
Do you happen to have
any Andalusian filberts?
No.
Then Cheez-Its will do.
Naturally,
everyone will be transfixed.
And while they're distracted,
we will swap out the pigs,
the dinner will be saved,
and the show will go on.
Just let me sneak a peek
at the backyard.
Goodbye.
Hey, Joe,
what has two heads,
four legs, and can fly?
I don't know.
Us.
Aah!
This is dangerous!
That's how you know
we're alive!
It's like I said
in my wedding toast ...
that bride of yours
is fearless.
Yeah.
Funny thing is, we went to an
amusement park earlier today
and she was too scared
to get on this one ride.
Or she pretended to be
so that I wouldn't have to admit
how scared I was.
I have a hunch
that she's not the only one
who's trying to protect
my feelings today.
You seem
to be rambling, son.
When you hugged Claire
earlier,
she felt a ring box
in your pocket.
What?
That wasn't a ring box.
It was... where am I?
I'm so old and confused.
Stop.
I'm not gonna say
seeing you with Lorraine
wasn't a little bit weird
for me.
It was a crazy idea.
That's not
what I'm trying to say.
That pig's got to be ready,
doesn't it?
Dad, please.
Son, can we please
not do this?
Fine.
Knock, knock.
That's more like it.
Who's there?
Your son.
Your son, who?
Your son who'd hate to think
you threw away
a shot at happiness
just to protect his feelings.
Here it is. All here.
Just take it from me.
That's the most stress
I've ever felt,
and I spent two weeks
underground
as part of
an isolation study.
Okay.
So, I guess now
we can finish this.
Ay, Mitch. Mitch, come.
Help us finish.
Okay. Okay. We got
to lightning round these forms.
You guys
are overthinking this.
Everybody knows in their heart
what they want.
They just feel bad
about making the decision.
So, who will be the executor
of your estate? Go.
You.
Aww. Okay.
Um, do you want to leave
anything to charity?
Yes.
10% to whatever
is sexy at the time we die ...
like, um,
orphans or whatever.
Okay, okay, yeah.
And what about Stella?
Same as Manny.
No, he's asking
who's gonna take care of her,
not how much money you're gonna
leave to a murderer.
No proof of that.
Okay, this seems like
a whole sidebar,
so we're gonna
circle back to that.
Um, who do you want
as Joe's legal guardian?
No, no, don't think.
Just answer, okay?
If something happens
to both of you,
who do you want
to take care of Joe?
Me, obviously.
Ay, Manny,
you're too young.
Besides, you're about to start
your new life soon.
Yeah, you should be out
sowing your oats
or just sewing.
That's something
you like.
I don't see
what the big deal is.
I'd hire a nanny,
sell the house,
downsize to a condo.
I'm thinking maybe a loft in an
up-and-coming arts district.
Sure, it'll take me a bit longer
to finish college,
but aren't those
the best years of life, anyway?
The main thing is,
he's my brother.
I'm not letting
anybody else raise him.
Ay, Manny.
You're so sweet.
Am I the only one unsettled
by how much he's thought
about that already?
- Oh, my God! Look!
- What?
Cast your spell,
nature's kaleidoscope!
Why is there a blue turkey
going into the house?
It's a peacock.
It's really plowing through
the Cheez-Its.
Oh, we forgot to put the apple
the new pig's mouth.
Oh, just leave it.
Now that's your answer
to everything, isn't it?
I deserve that.
I was a fool to think
I could get through this
without you bringing up
the way I left.
Well, you broke my heart.
I didn't mean to hurt you,
Cameron.
I just had
to protect myself.
When we first met,
you were just...
pure, raw potential.
Your Missouri twang.
The innocent
way your shirt cuffs
were no different
than your sleeves.
Once you emerged
from your country cocoon,
I knew it was
just a matter of time
before you realized you could
do better and moved on.
But you never
even said goodbye.
For all these years,
I-I thought it was my fault.
Oh, no.
No.
I was a coward.
I just ran away to join
another circus.
I suppose
you could say the ...
the one ring you never mastered
was the ring of life.
Well, that's kind of mean,
but sure.
And look
at your beautiful home.
Oh, it's...
You've blossomed
into the success
I always knew you'd be.
Correct.
I did so enjoy
our time together, Cameron.
Remember that split week
between Lansing and Kalamazoo?
Oh, my gosh,
how could I forget?
the rain dripping
on the canvas.
Me sneaking into your wagon
after curfew.
I believe that was
the first time you saw me...
without my top hat.
Okay.
Well, wounds healed,
whole new perspective,
off you go.
Goodbye, Cameron.
Goodbye, Keifth.
Oh, hey, honey.
I, uh...
Whatcha doing?
Oh, I think it's cute
how scared he is.
Yeah, but he's doing it.
Yes.
There's one Dunphy who's not
afraid to live dangerously.
Oh.
Hey, Claire?
They're open
for two more hours.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Whoo!
2017!
It's gonna be
a great yea...
Phil?
Oh.
Cam,
this is so delicious.
Well, you know,
after Thanksgiving,
I'm just happy
nothing went wrong.
I love this seasoning.
What gives it
that nutty taste?
It might be nuts,
sweetheart.
Oh, no, he wouldn't
put nuts in it.
He knows I'm allergic.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hey, how was the ride?
Amazing.
Phil fainted.
Claire.
Oh, come on,
they were gonna find out.
I'm not spending $15
on this picture
and not show it
to everyone.
I'm just gonna need you
to spit into this napkin.
EpiPen is on the way.
Just keep the card.
Isn't that amazing?
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