Okay.
Screwdriver?
Oh, no.
Backup screwdriver.
I come from a long line
of handy men.
My dad used to fix everything ...
lawnmowers, cars, our cat.
So it made sense that I tackled
the clothes dryer
after the repair guy tried
to rip me off.
I'm not paying $350
for a moisture sensor
that costs $28.
I'll fix it myself.
It's a complicated job.
You know what I did
back in Russia?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You were a doctor
or a scientist.
I fixed dryers.
Oh.
I've been doing this
a long time is my point.
Well, Yuri,
Phil Dunphy is no pushover.
I'm afraid
it's a hard nyet.
I guess these are clean enough.
I'll have this thing running
in no time, honey.
I have
an instructional video,
and I'm labeling each part
as I take it out.
"Right-back corner.
Tiny elbow-y thingy.
My right.
Dryer left."
Can't you do this
somewhere else?
Right, the dryer's the one
that needs to get its own place.
Honey,
you have to be up anyhow.
We've got
our cooking class.
I want to get there early
and grab a stove up front.
Oh, my God, Mom.
You and that chef.
Keep it in your apron.
Mom's obsessed with this TV chef
Charles Dumont.
She watches his show every day.
Not sure she listens, though.
A pinch of sugar,
and your taste buds will
surrender like the French.
I'm sorry, that joke
was a little fromage-y.
Did he say salt?
Sugar.
Mmm!
I'd love to give him some sugar.
But I'm pretty sure
he said salt here, baby.
Take a taste.
Oh, no. Aah!
Mmm!
Hmm?
Yeah.
Yeah?
That's got
something in it.
Yeah.
Oh, almost out of cookin' juice.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, the next step
is very important.
You sure you don't want
to pause it?
Oh, no, I'm good.
- We got to fix this.
- Mm-hmm.
We can't tell her how bad
her food is
because that would destroy her.
So when I found out
Chef Dumont was coming to town,
I signed us up for his class
so he could do it.
Whoa!
I know.
Pretty intense, huh?
Now I just grab the sensor
and put it ...
Oh, a little lint-y
in here.
I probably should have
emptied...
Aah!
Are the parts okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
Oh, thank God.
I don't know ...
Ow!
All right, Joe.
Fire it in here, buddy.
Ooh! Yes!
Good.
Now I don't have to tell
another son
that some boys
have different gifts.
Good job there, slugger.
What the hell's
going on here, Gloria?
I feel like I died.
I'm watching my family
as a ghost.
Don't be silly.
If that happened,
I would have changed
all this furniture.
I hired Coach Gary.
He's gonna teach Joe
how to throw.
Joe is the worst on his team.
I hear you!
Your son's
in good hands, Jay.
I led my team
to the championship last year.
We weren't
supposed to keep score,
but I did in my head.
This is crazy.
A kid's supposed to learn
this stuff from his dad ...
baseball,
how to drive a car,
how to fight a guy
from Jersey.
If you think you took his
knife...
He's got another one.
Joe learned to throw
by copying Jay,
but Jay throws all crazy
because of his bad shoulder.
Like this, buddy.
Son of a...!
It's the same reason
Joe whistles
"Sentimental Journey"
when he pees.
You seem like
a nice guy and all,
but, uh, I got this.
Hey, no sweat.
Coach Gary gets it.
Hey, uh, don't forget your ball.
It's okay, Jay.
Some boys have different gifts.
Let me get the door.
Okay, thank you.
Hi.
Can I help you?
I'm here for Lily.
I always knew
this day would come.
Probably not
what she's here for.
How do you know
our daughter?
I don't.
She hired me for a cleaning job.
Oh. What?
Wow.
Right on time.
Wait, Lily,
did you hire a cleaning lady?
Yeah,
with an app on your phone.
Daddy said
my room was a pigsty.
Okay, we'll double back
to that unnecessary
and inaccurate slam
on pigs,
and I think Daddy meant
for you to clean your room.
We can't have you cleaning
our daughter's room.
It just ...
It sends the wrong message.
We get to review you guys, too,
you know.
Okay.
Now go clean your room.
It's not fair.
You guys use apps
for everything.
No, we don't.
Well...
Okay, there's Uber
for when we eat out...
and Postmates
for when we eat in.
And TaskRabbit
for stuff around the house.
And Washio and ParkMe
and the one
where the guy comes over
and builds a fire
in your fireplace.
Oh, LogBuddy.
I love LogBuddy.
We need to start leading
by example.
From now on, we're all gonna
be a little more self-reliant.
For starters,
I'll build the fires.
But the LogBuddy guy comes
dressed as a lumberjack.
I have a flannel shirt.
Huh?
Where are all
the extra pieces?
There aren't any.
I used every last one.
Did you throw them away?
You can tell me.
I won't be angry.
I fixed the dryer,
Claire,
and you get to be here
for the moment of truth.
Pull the pin.
It works.
I had no idea you were
so good with your hands.
Very manly.
I pinched my thumb
with a pair of pliers earlier.
Not a peep.
Luke, Daddy and I need
to go upstairs
to discuss something
in private.
Just go.
You're ruining sex for me.
Oh, we just created some static
in these sheets, huh?
That felt amazing.
Yeah.
I got all up in that dryer
and fixed the hell out of it.
I feel capable of anything.
You know what?
Hmm?
I'm gonna build it.
Dunphy Tower?
Dunphy Tower.
Dunphy Tower ...
My first commercial
real-estate development.
I've been dreaming of
building it since I was a kid,
and now it's all happening.
Well, minus the trampoline park
on the roof
and the tunnel
to my best friend's house.
I am still holding out hope
for a fireman's pole
that takes you
to the parking garage.
Well, if you're sure
you're finally ready.
Of course I am.
I just fixed the dryer.
Hmm.
And it was the most satisfying
thing I've ever done.
I'll just get dressed,
I guess.
Ta-da!
Phil, I know where we are.
I drove.
You know what this is,
but I'm about to tell you
what this could be.
This is my least-favorite way
of talking.
You are standing on the site
of the future Dunphy Tower.
A quarter acre
of mixed-use space
in a rapidly gentrifying
neighborhood.
Commercial real estate,
huh?
This is a departure for you.
I thought about it
down to the last detail.
Imagine a happy worker
coming down from their
transit-friendly office
for a fancy coffee beverage
or yoga,
and what's that
over there?
A doll's foot, I hope.
A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Ooh, Stella and I went
to one of those in Solvang.
She got a quiche.
It looked so good,
I almost split it with her.
I don't want you
to feel pressured to invest,
but I want you to know
this isn't a whim.
I've been thinking
about this a lot.
What got you
off the sidelines?
This is gonna sound silly,
but I fixed a dryer today.
I took it all apart
and swapped out the sensor.
Get out of here.
The guy wanted 350 bucks.
I paid $28.
Holy cow!
Ho come we haven't been talking
about this the whole time?
Because I'm so excited
about this project.
I-I really think this could be
a good investment.
I don't want to hear
any more.
You're the most cautious
guy I know
when it comes to business.
If you think
this is a slam dunk, I'm in.
Really?
'Cause I have an offer
ready to go.
You say the word,
I hit "send."
Do it. I've been looking
for investment opportunities.
If you're confident,
I'm confident.
Because you know what I'd do
to you if you blew my money.
All right, you are about to get
an important lesson
on self-reliance,
young lady.
I know he's serious
when he calls me "young lady."
My dad did the same thing.
Okay.
Okay, no more doing chores
with our phones.
We are going
to get our hands dirty.
And, Mitchell,
you're gonna start right here
and manscape this.
- Really? Okay.
- And guess what you're gonna do?
Can I be in charge
of watering the cement
like the gardener?
Nope.
You're gonna get down
on your hands and knees
and pick weeds.
Aw!
You ... You know what I had to do
when I was your age?
I had to crawl through
a cornfield and pick up rocks.
That's right.
I couldn't even have breakfast
until I picked 100.
I'd strap a flashlight
to my head, and off I'd go.
One rock, two rocks,
three rocks.
Oh, my God!
It's called
dramatic tension.
It's called a beehive.
Right ... Right there.
What?
Yep. Mm-hmm.
Oh, Oh, no. It's worse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are wasps.
Oh, I hate wasps!
No, not you, Mr. Fletcher.
The...
Come on.
Gloria?
Phil got me to invest
in a mini-mall,
so you might want
to dial back
on the shoe purchases
for a while.
One second, one second.
"Place order."
What did you say, baby?
Drawer's fixed.
What the hell?
Don't sneak up
on people like that.
I'm liable
to have knocked you out.
I doubt it.
I was gonna fix that,
anyway.
Ay. Like you were going
to clean the gutter?
Coach Gary did it already.
It really wasn't
a problem.
I'm not afraid of heights,
and I've got big hands.
Those are fun details.
It's like the guy was trying
to steal my life.
I wish he'd shown up
when I was married to Dede.
I would have made him a key.
Let me show you out,
although you sound like
you know the place
pretty good already.
Hey, Jay,
I've got a date Friday night.
Can I borrow your car?
Sure, you can borrow
your mother's car.
Who's the lucky girl?
Rachel Caputo.
She and Manny work
on the school paper together.
Extra, extra,
she's a cutie.
Thanks for your help.
Hey,
I just played the ukulele.
You sang the song.
Yeah.
Coach Cupid!
All right, Gar.
You don't want to miss that bus.
Thanks again, Coach Gary.
He's not even your coach.
I need a scotch
and a James Bond marathon.
You may be out of luck.
The TV wasn't working
a minute ago.
Sounds like
the satellite dish.
Big Hands probably messed it up
poking around in my gutters.
Let me check it out.
- No, no, no.
That might be very dangerous.
Let me go grab Coach Gary,
and he can help you.
I said I'd do it.
Yeah,
but I'm sure Coach Gary
wouldn't mind
sticking around.
I'm getting that impression
myself!
Thank you all for coming.
Who here wants to go
to Paris right now?
Moi!
No.
We're not getting on a plane.
We'll be transported
by these humble ingredients.
How great is he?
So great.
Listen to everything he says.
Look to your left.
Look to your right.
Before this class is through,
all of you will know how to make
herb-roasted chicken!
Ohh!
I know this recipe.
I could make this chicken
in my sleep.
How about we try it awake?
Let's start with the most
important ingredient ... thyme.
That's right.
It's time to chop thyme.
He's just like he is on TV.
Yeah.
Thyme and chicken
play together very well,
unlike dogs and chickens.
Tragic story ...
my rescue whippet and I
live next to an urban farm
and...
Oh, my, do you mind
if I use this as an example?
Oh!
Avec pleasure.
See how she's chopped it
stems and all?
That's wrong.
Sloppiness like this
can ruin a dish.
Oh.
I had no idea.
I suppose when it comes
to herbs, though,
you're something
of a sage.
That's clever.
Thank you.
You can't eat clever.
Freeze! Police!
I'm a Realtor.
I'm not a criminal.
Oh, well,
then you're not doing it right.
Hey, Gil.
If one of your clients
is actually thinking
about buying
this minefield,
that would be
their second bad decision.
First was hiring you.
Yeah, I got it.
You're not gonna push
one of your clients
into this swamp, are you?
Maybe it just needs
a developer
with a little vision.
Very little vision
and no sense of smell.
I mean, this neighborhood
makes El Segundo
seem like a Sephora.
It's in transition.
Yeah, it's turning
into Fallujah.
I'm out of here
before I get jacked.
You gonna be around here
for a while?
I might.
Maybe you can score me
some methadone.
Hey, Bob.
Good news, Phil.
They accepted your offer.
Without a counter?
Maybe I came in too high.
Whatever.
They were really happy.
Are...
Hold on, Bob.
It's my son.
Luke, what's up?
Dad?
I think something's wrong
with the dryer.
But I-I fixed it.
I fixed it good.
I'll be right there.
Hurry!
I think it's leaving.
Now, this is fresh produce.
I can't even describe...
Strike three!
How exactly
is this an improvement?
Jay picked that lamp.
By the way,
have you seen him?
I don't know how I got stuck.
I've been on roofs
since I was 14 and discovered
it was the best way to see
into Ethel Burkin's bedroom.
Older gal. 50s, I think.
Today you probably wouldn't
give her a second look,
but this was before
the Internet.
It was either that
or a Sears catalog.
Can I take a picture of this?
Sometimes my friends
don't believe my stories.
There's got to be
a better way of doing this.
On the contrary, Mitchell.
It's simplicity itself.
I dislodge the nest.
It falls into the trash can.
You close the lid.
Then we just have a barrel
full of angry wasps.
Which we swiftly transport
to a farm upstate
where they'll be much happier.
Ooh, they'll see
my friend's dog.
Yeah, just like that.
All right. First, we just have
to dislodge the nest.
No, no, no, no!
There's one on my face.
Don't move.
I've been compromised.
Okay, g-get in the house.
Ow! Ow!
Oh! Ow! Ooh! Bad idea!
Ow! I was gonna take you
to a farm!
Ow! Ohh!
I may have to change
the name of this side dish
to "potatoes au great-in."
I'm not hearing a difference.
Great.
Oh, this is... unique.
Yes, thank you very much.
You know how on your show
you were always taking chances
and trusting your instincts?
Well, that is what I did.
That's because
I have good instincts.
Mm-hmm.
What's something you do well?
Cook?
No.
Hmm.
Uh, Mom, I think
what he's trying to say
is that you should more closely
follow his recipe.
You know, use the ingredients
that he mentions.
Measure stuff.
Right?
Not at all.
As I say in the foreword
of my third book,
"Who Can't Cook?"
"Some people can't cook."
Don't feel bad.
Gourmet cooking is tough,
though not as tough
as your chicken.
I can't believe
I'm hearing this.
It's times like this
I wish I had a refund policy.
Wait a second.
I have been making
this food for my family
for months now.
I make a big meal
every Sunday.
I'm a working mom.
It's my one chance a week
to give my family something
and make up for the time
I haven't spent with them.
Are you telling me that I have
been giving my family garbage?
Wait, uh...
Haley, honey,
have I been
serving you garbage?
Um...
What do you think I said?
She is the best cook ever.
We love all of her meals.
Hmm!
Yeah.
And my singing?
So good!
So...
Jay?
Jay!
I'm up here.
Ay, Dios mÃ­o!
Your time was too short!
I'm on the roof.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
So come down because
the TV's working already.
You know, I'm kind of
enjoying hanging out up here.
I-I'll be down
in a little bit.
Hey, if Joe wants to work
on his throwing arm,
maybe he can toss up, uh,
an empty bottle.
Are you stuck up there?
Stuck?
No!
I can come down
whenever I want to.
I just have to...
dangle my body out over the edge
and then reach blindly
for that top rung of the ladder
you're not supposed to use.
But I'll be in
in a little bit.
I got a few things
I got to do.
Got to maintain the roof.
It's your house's hat.
I called the one person
I couldn't possibly
be embarrassed in front of.
It's Grandpa.
Don't answer!
He can't know about this.
We have a verbal contract
that's largely based
on my ability
to fix dryers.
Please work.
Yes!
Maybe.
What's that smell?
Failure.
Oh, Cam,
that sting looks really bad.
We ... We should get you
to a doctor.
A doctor for a wasp sting?
Yes,
let's put on our top hats
and eat crumpets
while we're on our way.
Okay, I know you think
you're making a point.
Back on the farm,
every time we would take down
a wasp nest,
I would get stung.
Something you might
have mentioned.
And never once did I need
fancy medicine.
Just a little mud.
That's right, Lily.
Daddy's being self-reliant.
What do you think
the chances are
he means actual mud?
Pretty good.
Like my Aunt Dot said,
"Whether it's bee stings
or back aches,
a little mud is good
for what ails you."
I don't remember
meeting an Aunt Dot.
She died.
15 minutes later.
All right.
I thought I'd make you
a little bit ...
Oh, my God!
What?
My face?
Is it bad?
It feels bad.
It looks a little like
you stared directly
into the Lost Ark.
I want to see.
You don't.
Do you think maybe me putting
mud on it made it worse?
I don't know how putting
dirt directly into a wound ...
It ... It ...
Where are you going?
To the doctor.
I want to be pretty again.
Well, w-what about being
self-reliant?
It's my face!
Let's go!
Wasps!
They're still out there!
Yeah, I'll hold.
I'm pulling out
of the deal.
Why? What happened?
I'm not the man
you thought you had
middle-of-the-day
sex with.
Honey,
I heard about the dryer.
It's not just that.
I ran into Gil.
He thinks it's a bad idea.
Your dad's money
is on the line.
I've never done
anything like this.
Who cares
what Gil Thorpe thinks?
Nobody knows more
about real estate than you do,
and you've been thinking about
this project for a long time.
I believe in you.
You should believe
in yourself.
Yeah, hey, Bob.
It's Phil.
Remove the contingencies.
Let's do this.
Is that a fact?
Thanks for letting me know.
Gil Thorpe made a backup offer.
He was just trying
to scare me away.
Oh!
I am so proud of you!
Wow.
Looks like the both of us had
a little crisis
of confidence today.
In that cooking class...
Yes?
Yes, well,
Chef Dumont
had the audacity
to tell me
that I can't cook.
Huh.
Mm.
Luckily, this one was there
to straighten him out.
I'm gonna make you
a celebratory dinner.
I think I've got
most of the ingredients.
I can't wait!
Mm-hmm.
You had one job.
Hi, Jay.
Oh, crap.
She called you.
Give me your hand.
Why?
So you can show me up again?
What are you talking about?
Give it a rest.
You come in here
with your young shoulders,
your ukulele.
I'm not trying
to show you up, Jay.
I'm trying to impress you.
Why the heck would
you want to do that?
I guess you could say that,
like you,
I'm stranded in my own way.
This is my least-favorite
way of talking.
I got to tell you, Jay,
I'm over
the whole sports thing.
But you just won
the championship.
Exactly.
And there's no more
Dragons to slay.
That's the team we beat
last year ...
the Baby Blue Dragons.
I'm not seeing
how I figure into this.
I want to start
my own business.
You've been so successful.
I was thinking maybe
you could be my mentor.
What line of work?
Pre-fab gazebos.
Nice!
Every backyard could be
its own town square.
I knew you'd get it.
After all,
what's a gazebo but...
An outdoor closet!
an outdoor closet?
You're all right,
Coach Gary.
Give me your hand.
Help me down.
We'll get a few drinks,
and we'll talk business.
Gary's Gazebos.
Gazebos by Gary.
Gary's Gazebos and Sheds.
You don't need me.
All right.
Is this you sitting alone
in an empty yard
wishing you had...
a gazebo...
or a shed?
If it is,
then call
Gary's Gazebos and Sheds
because here,
we only do one thing ...
sell, install,
and service gazebos and sheds.
Whoa!
And ask about our bird baths.
We own 10% of that,
you know.
How much money did you put
into the businesses?
Well, you can't
take it with you.
Well, we'll all
still be here!
Captions by VITAC :