Breathe it in, girls.
My journey begins today.
Finally bringing something into
this world I can be proud of.
As children, the Wright Brothers
dreamed of flying machines.
Oprah dreamed
of hiding presents under chairs.
And I dreamed of building
something magnificent.
Well, recently,
Jay and I bought a vacant lot
on which we are building
Dunphy Tower.
What I wouldn't give
to reach back in time
to tell the 15-year-old dreamer
who drew this,
"We did it, kid."
Hey.
Claire,
you look terrible.
Thanks.
No.
I mean, you're all locked up.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess the spa day
that I booked for you tomorrow
came at the perfect time.
Oh, right, that.
I have to be very delicate
with Gloria around my birthday.
Last year,
for some insane reason,
she got me this gift certificate
for ridiculous
salsa-dancing lessons.
Like I'm ever gonna use that.
Come on.
Anyway, somehow,
she's convinced herself
I didn't "appreciate" her gifts.
You know.
Some people.
So, tomorrow at work might be
a little bit hectic.
Just a lot of stuff
going on at the office.
And it's not that I don't
want to do it, 'cause I do.
No, Claire, let's not
do this dance again.
We all know how you feel
about dancing.
Proud, proud day, Phil.
Thanks, partner.
Maybe we should get
this show on the road.
The photographer's
been taking shots of Haley
when she's not looking.
That's weird.
I didn't hire a photographer.
Dunphy, right?
Jared Cook.
Nice shovel.
Thanks.
I painted it myself.
This is my partner,
Jay Pritchett.
I represent Jetatech.
Are you familiar with us?
Not in the least.
Oh, you'll have
to forgive Jay.
He's a bit of Luddite.
Anyway, our building
is two doors down,
and we're looking
to expand our campus.
We want this lot,
and we're prepared
to offer you
20% over what you paid
plus expenses.
That's a nice offer,
Jare,
but I don't think you understand
what's happening here.
It's not about
the huge profits.
We're building
my son-in-law's dream,
and it's gonna be
a giant success
because this is
man of vision.
Oh, I know
all about dreams.
Someday, I hope to get into
encrypted packet switching.
Good luck to you,
gentlemen.
Jay, this man's vision
just got blurry with tears.
Would you get ahold
of yourself.
I just said that crap
to drive the price up.
He'll be back.
I don't want him
to come back.
Whether you meant it or not,
this is my dream.
We're in this
to make money.
And we will.
By the power vested in me
by the Commercial Zoning Board,
I do hereby
officially break ground
on the future home
of Dunphy Tower.
Oh, that's... strong soil.
That's a good omen.
I'm gonna pogo it.
Anybody else
bring a shovel?
Oh, thank God you're here.
It's a nightmare.
The staff is in an uproar
about these budget cuts.
Telling them there's
no more overtime was bad,
but when I had to tell them
there were no more bagels,
someone threw a cup
at my head.
I don't know
what else to do.
Sales-wise
we didn't exactly have
the Christmas
I was hoping for.
What do people
give each other, anyway?
Well,
just spitballing here ...
maybe we could fire
Kenny from the warehouse.
No one's getting fired.
But he does a really hurtful
impression of me.
Come on, guys.
Everybody gather round.
I don't like these budget cuts
any more than you do,
but I want you to know
I'm in this with you.
I've cut my expenses.
All the execs
are flying coach.
But I do want you to feel like
you have a voice in this.
So, not only is my office door
always open to you,
I've actually
had it removed.
That's a very
powerful metaphor, boss.
That's a very
powerful metaphor, boss.
Kenny, thanks
for keeping it light.
So good.
Happy birthday!
What are you
doing here?
You said that
you were too busy
to get away from the office
to celebrate.
So I brought
the celebration to you.
Snap.
Oh.
Is that caviar?
Yes!
And something
to wash it down.
Oh, yay, champagne.
Get me a door.
If I don't win the science fair
with this thing you built me,
it's rigged.
Amen, sister.
Oh, come on,
you started without me?
No, we finished
without you.
Yeah,
we wanted it work.
I guess you also wanted it
to be really simplistic,
because right there,
you can make it better
if you just added ...
Okay.
So, right there,
you can make it better
if you just added ...
Okay, I thought you said
you were done!
Okay, Mitchell,
I love you.
But...?
No "but."
Yet we both know I'm the more
mechanically-inclined daddy.
I'm handy.
If it makes you feel any better,
I didn't do anything, either.
No, that doesn't
make me feel better.
You're supposed to be learning
from this.
I learned
a new swear word.
Uh, um, I got a splinter.
It was worth it.
Watch.
Is that it?
I'm confused 'cause I'm not
mechanically inclined.
Hardy-har-har.
No, I just need to make
a little adjustment.
- Watch out!
- Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh!
Are you okay?
Oh!
That's not part of it.
I got here
as quick as I could.
Please tell me
this is good news.
Please tell me
that's oil.
Found a sewer line running
straight through the property.
Also, a water main,
and for some reason,
giant pockets of methane.
Talk to me, Pete.
I feel like I just did.
How much is it gonna cost?
Money-wise, you're looking
at mid-six-figures.
When you say six, does that
include the two-cent figures?
No.
Plus, time-wise, you're looking
at maybe a year delay
with permits and utilities,
environmental ...
Stop talking to me,
Pete.
Oh, my God,
why is Jay here?
I called him, too.
He'll shut this whole project
down if he sees this.
Put some plywood
over the hole.
Tony, do what you can
to cover the methane smell.
Everybody else,
just look busy.
How could this happen?
I had a ladybug land
on my shoulder today.
What's the problem?
Problem is I'm hungry.
The solution ... we're walking
distance to Little India.
Shall we?
What's that smell?
Shh,
that's ... that's Pete.
He's, uh, very sensitive
about it. Don't bring it up.
While I got you,
I was thinking about putting in
a bike rack over here.
What the hell is that?
I didn't see anything.
I'm sure if something was wrong,
someone would ...
Oh,
they love quittin' time.
Just like
"The Flintstones."
I'm starting
to develop a theory
that maybe all this is related
to why Pete called me.
Jay, I think
that's just a little paranoid.
Well, there...
There was one thing.
Sorry.
This one's definitely vanilla.
I thought
you said "mocha."
Oops, I accidentally made
my favorite drink.
Thanks for the tip.
I've been working here
for five years.
Didn't get this far
by being stupid.
I'm thinking about
having a little party
at my place tonight.
You down, A-Dogg?
If "down" means attending
and "A-Dogg" means Alex,
then yes.
I thought I'd quit the coffee
shop when I went back to school,
but I'm kind of loving it.
Plus, it taught me
something important.
If you pretend to be
who people want you to be,
you can have
as many friends as you want.
God, I would love another crack
at high school.
Oh, God, here he comes.
Who?
Ugh.
This little guy in his 40s ...
Here every Friday.
Always has
a super-complicated drink order.
Oh, hey, Alex.
I'll have a 20-ounce
iced skinny hazelnut macchiato,
sugar-free syrup,
double shot of espresso,
light ice ... not no ice ...
no whip.
Thank you
for meeting with me.
I came
as fast as I could.
I lied to my boyfriend.
Everybody does it at
the beginning of a relationship.
"Oh, I love jazz."
"It's sexy when a man cries."
"Your daughter is so sweet."
Me ... I told Rainer
I love his favorite show,
"Game of Thrones,"
so now he's taking me
to Comic-Con.
I don't love "Game of Thrones."
I've never even seen
"Game of Thrones."
And for the record, his daughter
is kind of a monster.
This is a lot to cover
in four hours.
Let's start
with everything you know
about George R.R. Martin's
masterwork.
Well, I know this guy dies,
there's lots of boobs,
and I want to say...
a spaceship?
This will go a lot faster
if you don't talk.
So, he's kind of related to me,
but it's a long story.
Hey, it's okay.
We all come
from messed-up families.
My uncle's my dad.
Shift schedule is up.
What the literal hell?
Double shift today
and 6:00 A.M. tomorrow?
That's not fair.
Management don't care.
Party tonight is off.
Nothing is off.
A-Dogg is on it.
"A-Dogg"?
Let me have this.
So, you put a little bit
of the cream on top.
Uh-huh.
And then...
Got it.
Mmm.
Terrific birthday surprise.
Sorry it's over.
It's just starting.
I have a lot
of surprises coming.
Knockedy-knock-knock.
Okay, what do I do?
What did you do?
It's a massage!
Let them in, young man.
It's Ben.
We've met 30 times.
Oh, Gloria.
Friend.
Listen, while I appreciate
the idea of a massage ...
You hate it.
Well...
You always hate my gifts.
I don't even know why I try.
No, no, please,
uh, let me finish.
I've always appreciated
the thought
of a massage
in my office,
and now it's actually
happening.
Ah!
Thank you.
Which one of you lovelies
is Claire?
She is!
Oh, great.
Just give me
the quick version, okay?
90 minutes.
You got it, hon.
Okay.
My department is asking if
there's still gonna be coffee
or if they have
to start bringing it.
Who ... Who's this?
Uh, he's interviewing
for a job in the warehouse.
He's a, um,
forklift operator.
That's right.
It's 2017.
There are plenty
of gay forklift drivers.
I'm not gay.
It's cool, bro.
I'm woke.
It's cool, bro.
I'm woke.
That's funny!
You sound just like
that guy over there.
Okay, it's back-to-work time.
We got to take a look at these.
Yeah.
See ya later.
We'll catch up.
Okay, this is crazy.
I don't need an MRI.
The doctor ordered when you
told her you could taste colors
in a French accent.
Oh ... all right.
Well, I don't even do
a French accent.
I didn't say
it was a good one.
Guys, we usually try to move
the head injuries along.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Well, it's...
It's just so small.
It's bigger than it looks.
See, there's nothing wrong
with my brain,
'cause I have three
funny comebacks to that.
Cam, come on,
let's listen to, uh, Bobby.
He knows what
he's talking about.
I don't think
we can really trust
anything a grown man
named Bobby says.
Come on, honey,
you got this.
Okay.
Uh, Robert, hi.
Can I have ... question.
So, listen.
I know
this is a giant magnet,
and I have
a lot of fillings.
Are they just gonna
fly out of my head?
That never happens.
Okay.
Um, I'm also
on an iron supplement.
Is that ...
An issue? No.
Let's just get you
on that table, huh?
Come on.
Hm.
No, okay, not happening.
I'm having flashbacks.
I don't know
if I ever told you this,
but when I was kid,
I fell into a well.
It happened
the same day as baby Jessica,
but she got all the press.
It still stings.
Everybody loves a baby,
but not one single prayer
for a husky teen
who's stuck head-first
in a well
for the better part
of an hour.
Okay, Cam, come on.
You have got to calm down,
all right?
It'll be over
before you know it.
In an hour.
I'm ... I can't!
I'm done, I'm out!
Okay, wait, wait,
Cam, Cam.
Okay, Bobby, is it okay
if I get in there
to show Cam
that it's all right?
Do we have time for that?
Sure, my 4:00 hemorrhaged.
Can you not ... okay.
All right,
look at this, Cam.
Just be careful.
It's comfortable.
We've got you.
Okay, I'm good.
Okay.
Ah.
Actually, Cam,
this is very peaceful.
It was a torture chamber.
I was in there one minute,
and I cried.
I feel so rested.
I do, I do, I really do.
Now you.
It's all good.
There you go.
All right.
And I will be right here
beside you.
Uh, no one's allowed in here
except the patient.
I will be in the next room
right beside you.
Okay,
so put your headphones on.
They're gonna play you something
to get your mind off of it.
Yeah.
This is a panic button.
Oh.
Just push it
if you need to get out.
Oh, okay.
Well, I think I can do this.
"This American Life,"
I'm Ira Glass.
Today's program ...
"Puppy Love."
We'll hear the story of a man
who met his soul mate
through a lost schnauzer,
a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon,
who, for one week, was mayor.
And we start with Act 1,
a search-and-rescue collie
looking for his owner,
who was buried alive
for 18 days.
After drinking
his own urine for a week,
Horace Laughton could no longer
ignore the terrible truth ...
he was running out of oxygen.
H-help.
Help!
Get me out of here!
Hey!
I will kill you!
Ohh!
Cam, come on,
this is serious.
Oh, my God.
I can't breathe.
I need air.
I need air!
I'm sorry.
He is being such a baby, huh?
There's a camera in there.
I watched you cry.
And finally, employees
should have a say in
the shift schedule.
It would allow us
to plan our lives accordingly
and would result
in fewer missed days.
In summation, no caffeination
without representation.
So, am I fired?
Are you kidding me?
Those are 20-ounce ideas
in a 16-ounce cup.
I have overlooked a rising star
right under my nose.
But that's the ...
Yes,
the assistant manager's apron.
I didn't come in here
for that.
That's exactly
why you're getting it.
But I ... I can't.
Shh.
Oh, my God,
this is so confusing.
So, the little guy
from "Elf"...
Tyrion Lannister.
Whatever.
I don't know actors' names.
Is he Jaime's brother
or Cersei's brother?
Both ... Jaime and Cersei
are brother and sister.
But they were just
doing it in the tower.
That is so twisted.
Go on.
Guys, the craziest thing
just happened.
I went in there
with a list of demands.
And weaseled your way
to a promotion.
No, trust me ... n-nothing
is going to change.
But while I'm staring at it,
would one of you guys mind
taking out this trash
at some point?
Heil, assistant manager.
No, no, no, no, no!
This is good for all of us.
Now we have someone
on the inside ... me.
A-Dogg.
More like Adolf.
I-I-I think you're really
minimizing that atrocity.
Now, let me
do the talking.
Good.
I don't feel like talking.
It's just you nurture a dream
for 30 years,
only to see it go up in flames
like Pete's eyebrow.
I feel like a part of ...
This is you not talking?
There he is.
Go.
Oh, it's you.
Now,
before you say anything,
we're still
not interested.
Okay.
But if we were interested,
it would take a hell of a lot
more than what you offered.
What about
all the sewage?
You get used to it.
Gentlemen,
when I made that offer,
we didn't know about
any of the problems.
I'm afraid
we're no longer interested.
Jared, I like you.
We're willing to go 5%.
Like I said,
the offer's off the table.
You guys need a ride?
I have a car.
Thank you.
Hope it's not
that one over there.
Yo!
My dog is in that car!
Hey!
And as Hodor blocked the door
to save his friend Bran Stark,
Bran had a vision
of a younger Hodor saying,
"Hold the door,
hold the door.
Hold door."
And finally, "Hodor,"
the only word he would say
for the rest of his life,
a life
that was now ending.
He knew.
Hodor knew his whole life
that his destiny was
to save his little friend.
Just like you have saved from
embarrassment at Comic-Con,
so thank you, Manny.
My pleasure.
I should get going.
Oh, my God, me too.
I have to change into
my Khaleesi costume.
I could probably stick around
for a few more minutes.
Maybe I'll move the party
to Monday.
Oh!
I'm free Monday.
Let's talk later.
No, please.
I never meant to betray you.
Your friendship means more to me
than this stupid apron.
Stupid?
Oh, Scott.
There's a whole world
of people
that would kill
to wear this apron,
but this just isn't
my path.
This extra responsibility
has me feeling alienated.
It's lonely
one step down from the top.
You may not believe this,
but it's even lonelier
way up here.
Somewhere on my climb,
I forgot my own dream ...
to be the best damn speed-metal
drummer in the Inland Empire.
There's still time,
Scott.
You're right.
I quit.
What?
You are the manager now.
Hey, you two,
party at my house. Come on!
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, FYI, one of the toilets
is overflowing.
Seriously, the roof?
I've been looking for you
everywhere.
I just needed some space
and some fresh air.
It smells so purple.
Okay, you're going in that tube.
Come on.
Seriously, that's as hard
as you can pull?
I am not
the weak one here.
You're the one who won't even
get a simple medical test.
What are you ... scared?
Huh?
You're chicken?
Yeah, and I thought
I made that clear in there
when I peed a little.
Fine,
you just go ahead and die.
And I'll raise Lily
by myself,
and she will never step foot
in another farm or circus.
I will haunt you.
Or you could just
get your head checked
so we don't lose you
over some stupid fear.
Do you know what
I went through in that well
on October 14, 1987,
while the whole world
was focused
on that media whore
Jessica?
She was a baby,
but yeah.
It was hell.
And I would not
have survived
if those firemen wouldn't
have figured out a way
to lower my little Aunt Edna
into that well
and touch my feet and tell me
it was gonna be okay
and that I wasn't alone.
Cam, if there's a way that
I could be in there with you,
I would, but I ...
Wait a minute.
Hey, you're doing great.
Okay,
I'm right there with you.
You're not alone.
Thank you.
You're a good husband.
Oh, that's very sweet.
Oh, and, Cam.
If the scan shows that you're
fine, you can suck it,
because this
mechanically-challenged daddy
made this foot-rubbing
machine all by himself.
I did.
I did this.
It's good, right?
I see you unclenching.
I'm just concerned that
other people are gonna see me.
Keep still, please.
Um...
I told you,
she's in a meeting right now.
Let ... Let go of my tie.
You're not getting
any looser.
Oh, I wonder why.
Come on,
get back to work.
It's a little hard to focus
with the smell of truffles
just wafting out
of your girlfriend's office.
My girlfriend
is your boss, okay?
And she's not
my girlfriend.
I won't deny
we have chemistry,
a certain will-they,
won't-they kind of vibe.
Okay, guys, hi.
If you could just
give me 20 minutes
to deal
with a personal situation,
I promise I will come out and
address all of your concerns.
What is going on
in there?
Yeah.
Well, um,
it's a medical situation.
Actually, and it's
kind of embarrassing,
so I appreciate your support
in this difficult time.
We got to wrap this up.
How long do you need?
At least 15 minutes.
You got five.
Ma'am, this job
is hard enough.
Uh, hey,
so, small problem.
It can wait!
Every problem can wait.
So now go, mister.
Come on,
I've been in your home.
All right, Ben.
What is it?
Today's
Margaret's birthday...
Uh-huh.
but it was too late
to cancel the cake.
Everyone saw it
get delivered.
It's fine.
Let them eat cake.
What?
Is she kidding?
That's not what I meant!
Claire, breathe.
No, no!
Gloria, we're done.
Don't scream at me.
I just wanted to make you happy.
And I'm just trying
to make you happy
because you're
so damn sensitive
about me not liking
your birthday presents.
Come on, this is the last thing
I needed today.
Oh, my God.
Look at her hands.
She's just been in here
getting a manicure.
How do you sleep?
Get her!
Whoa, whoa,
back it up, Josie.
Nobody's gonna get her.
I realize that the optics
are a bit troubling,
especially today.
A day when you've
been sipping champagne
while we've gone over an hour
without snacks.
Enough!
You should all be ashamed
of yourselves.
How long have I known
you people?
Dom, Kenny, Josie,
the two Herms.
Seriously?
You all go home at 5:00.
This woman never punches out.
She goes home
and never sleeps
because she's thinking
how to make this company better.
Can't you tell
what a mess she has become?
How tense she is,
her awkward tics,
the way she grinds
her teeth to dust.
I think that she deserves
some pampering.
So now get out of here!
Let's go.
Come on.
Gloria.
I am sorry.
I just wanted to make it right
this year.
Oh, you did.
You really did.
Okay, good.
So go back and sit down
because hugging you
is like hugging a coat rack.
Bah.
Okay.
Oh, that's good.
I'm sorry.
I dreamt too big.
It's not your fault.
I'm the one
who believed in you.
You're also the one
who overplayed his hand.
We've already established
mistakes were made.
We need to be thinking about
next steps.
Maybe we need to build
something smaller,
like a cool restaurant
or something.
I've thought about that.
Who's gonna come down here?
There's nowhere to park.
Oh, my God, that's it ...
a parking lot.
That's not bad.
We could build it
for nothing
and pay off the majority
of the loan by tomorrow.
Let's talk about this
somewhere else.
Maybe 15-year-old Phil
had it right.
Sometimes you have
to look at your dream
from a different angle.
I guess it was a parking lot
all along.
Please tell me
that's dinner.
I'm starving.
No, that's
Daddy's alarm.
We can't let him nap
for more than two hours
because of
the concussion.
Oh, look at him.
He looks so peaceful.
He's had
such a rough day.
When I tried to wake him up
last time, he got so upset.
I'll do it.
Who raised you?
Fine,
just be gentle, okay?
Thanks.
Also, don't touch this.
It's my art project.
Oh, can I help you
with that?
No.
Daddy said he should because
he's more artistic than you.
Okay.
What? What?
Why?
Oh, good,
you're alive.
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