Are you sure we need
that much ice, buddy?
All NBA players use
cold water immersion therapy.
Let's do it.
You're right.
It's not that b...
Aah!
One year ago today,
I had the chance to be a hero.
It was the annual high school
charity basketball game ...
parents versus teachers.
We were raising money
for Mrs. Martin
in the attendance office who
lost her house in a mudslide.
One minute it was present,
the next it was absent.
Down 2, a second left,
I was fouled.
The game was in my hands.
I crumbled under the pressure.
I've waited a year
for my shot at redemption
and left nothing to chance.
Harder!
I have worked out
like a madman ...
passing and dribbling drills,
agility training...
and I top it all off
with 100 free throws
every day...
23. 24.
no matter how tired I am.
85.
It had been a year of painful
training, but I was ready.
Aah!
I spilled juice on the rug.
Please don't tell Mama.
Don't tell Mama?
What about,
"Don't tell Papa?"
A boy is supposed to fear
his father.
I shook in my boots
around my old man,
just like he did around his.
To this day,
I hear the crack of a Schlitz
or smell some
Singleton's Beard Tonic,
and I'm sweating like
a mob rat in Little Italy.
Ow! Oh, I tripped!
Enough!
How many times have I told you
to pick up your toys?
You're funny!
Enough!
Pick up your toys!
Gloria!
What a surprise!
There's a mom at Manny's school
that I've had
some problems with.
She's your typical blonde
airhead Barbie doll doctor.
Hola, Donna.
Did you wander in
by mistake?
You know they don't
sell shoes here.
Oh, no, I see you buy
a lot of hot dogs.
It's so sad when someone
just gives up.
I'm selling these
at the high school
charity basketball game.
Poor Mrs. Martin.
This year we're raising money
to get her a new kidney
So, can we count on you?
For the kidney?
To write a check,
like you always do.
Yes.
Money is almost as good
as actually doing something.
$40 at the estate sale?
Can you believe that?
Like, there's no way
you'd even notice.
Dad, hi.
Turn on channel 12.
It's an exposÃ©
on cheap lumber
that's got some chemical in it
that's making people sick,
and Closets, Closets, Closets,
Closets bought a bunch of it.
Oh, look ...
There's Earl's daughter, Shirl.
We caught up
with the local man
who reported flu-like symptoms
after contact
with the tainted wood.
I just wanted
to give my wife
a closet
as beautiful as she is.
Didn't we buy
some of ...
Shh! Shh, shh, shh!
Can you believe
Earl's dum-dum daughter
bought wood
from those bozos?
Of course,
when you two were growing up,
she was always
the slow one.
You remember when she thought
that balloon was her friend?
Balloon-da Carlisle.
Right.
Well, back to it, Dad.
See you later.
I knew that deal
was too good to be true.
And now I'm gonna look
as stupid as a girl
who pet two different
class rabbits to death.
A spot of tea, sir?
Only if it's the fancy kind.
Oh, my God.
How good have
our accents gotten?
It's insane.
Yeah.
When Haley was 4, she and I
had our first tea party,
and since then,
we've made it a tradition
to meet for high tea
once a year.
It's a time
I've really come to cherish.
I don't love
the whole tea thing.
Mitchell and Haley
always come back giggling
over shared secrets,
and I feel left out.
I once tried to start my own
uncle-niece tradition, but...
I'm not questioning
the methodology
behind accelerated
mass spectrometry.
I'm merely pointing out
that it's not singular
in its power to separate
a rare isotope
from an abundant
neighboring mass.
What's going on with you
and that handsome weatherman?
Things are great, mostly.
- Mm!
- Yeah.
Oh. "Mostly"?
Well, what's ...
what's going on?
I mean, do you think
it's okay for your partner
to ask you to do...
anything?
Mm, no.
Not anything anything.
I mean, we all have
our boundaries.
I mean, there are still things
I wouldn't ask Cam to do.
Okay.
So, um, Rainer and I
were in bed
the other night, and...
And?
He asked me
to do something
I'm not totally
comfortable with.
What'd he ask you to do?
No ... No judgments.
Just whenever you're ready.
So, he was lying
on his side,
and he said that
that was part of it,
and then he asked me
to c...
Haley!
What'd he ask you to do?
Quick, write it down
on this napkin.
Rainer, what are you
doing here?
Uh, you left your earbuds
in my car.
I know you like to use them
to ignore people.
Aww!
Do you want to join us?
You don't mind,
do you, Uncle Mitch?
No!
It feels weird
to be back here.
This gym got
the better of me once.
Dad, you're psyching
yourself out.
You're right.
The only thing different
between this year and last
is I'm prepared
this year.
And DeAndre Jordan
and Charles Barkley are here.
Is this where
we get our hand stamped?
Sometimes I like to leave
and come back to things.
Uh, why ...
why are you here?
Our agent's wife
is a math teacher at the school.
Let's go get our seats.
We don't want anybody
to block us.
Yeah, yeah.
I ... I get that.
So, I'm playing
in front of two NBA stars?
Plus, once people know
they're here,
the crowd will be like five
times the size it was last year.
Well, we still live in a world
with a fire marshal.
Wait.
They're probably just here
to show their faces
and make a quick exit.
Dad, don't let them
faze you.
This is what
you've trained for.
You're ready.
You're right.
I just need to shake the jitters
off a little bit.
I got you, Larry.
Spot up.
No!
Gloria? Is that you?
My brain's having a hard time
processing you in this context.
Yeah, I came to sell
my nachos to raise money.
- How nice.
- Mm-hmm.
Although, some people are saying
it's too little too late,
that you can't just show up
and get credit for it.
I think it's mean,
but some people are saying
it seems disingenuous.
I just got here.
When did you talk
to all these people?
I think
you'll find this crowd
no lika da nachos.
I'm sorry
if that sounds racist.
No, it didn't.
I don't even know what language
you were trying to make fun of.
Okay, since you're not leaving,
you can set up down there.
Ah.
No.
It's very dark,
and it's very far away!
Good luck!
Looks like that picture I
Instagrammed of the three of us
is a big hit
with Rainer Nation.
Oh!
And is it safe to post
your location like that?
Aren't you worried
about stalkers?
Oh, no, it's fine.
Most of my followers
are just overly excited,
love-starved old ladies.
Oh, I see your exclusive
tea party opened up.
He just posted that.
What, are you circling
the restaurant?
Hey, Rainer Shine.
You sat next to him
at Thanksgiving.
Right! Manny!
Sit down. Join us.
Actually, Cam, could I
talk to you for a second?
Okay, before Rainer
walked in,
Haley was about to tell me
something upsetting
he asked her to do
in the bedroom.
Now, I didn't get much,
but he asked her to c...
To what?
He asked her to c...
Are you kidding me?
Okay, no one else come near us.
Thank you.
That's all she got out ... "c..."
And then Rainer walked in.
Well, we have to find out.
As her uncles, we need
all the information we can
so we can advise her
properly.
Yeah.
She's dating an older man.
If she's uncomfortable,
it's our duty to protect her.
Okay.
So we said all that.
- What could be "c..." be?
- Hmm?
- Carrot?
- Mnh-mnh.
Cupping?
You don't think it could be
a Canadian long jump, do you?
What part would a woman
play in that?
That's the last
of the paper trail.
Great.
Okay, and so the red pins
on this map mark
all the locations
of closets
that were made
with the toxic wood.
Okay,
and we have recalled
9 out of 10
of the contaminated closets,
so we only
have to track down one more.
And since you didn't ask,
the green pins
are all the addresses
of potential fathers of mine.
Oh, hey.
How're you doing?
Did I hear somebody using my
shredder without signing it out?
No.
Confetti!
Hey!
The kid doesn't fear me
as he should,
so I brought him in here
to show him my scary boss side.
- Play along.
- Okay.
Ben, how dumb
do you think I am?
You found out?
Of course I found out.
I know everything.
It was her idea!
- Ben!
- No, he's doing great.
You're in big trouble,
mister.
Jay, I'm so sorry.
We were just trying to s...
Enough!
Come on, Joe!
Enough!
Could you have rolled over
any faster?
My dad didn't know
anything.
That was just a big act
for his kid.
Yeah, I know.
I was playing along to ...
Save it, okay?
Somewhere, one of these
green pins is very disappointed.
Nachos.
Come get some nachos.
No one even knew
that I was back there.
You know it's loud when
you can't hear my voice!
My goodness.
At this rate, I'll break
my own sales record.
Oh.
Hola.
Do you guys
want to try some nachos?
That sounds pretty good.
Ugh, you are
so transparent, Glenn.
Come, come, come.
We're expanding
to chips.
Mmm. Mmm!
Cam, you're staring.
No, I'm not.
So are you.
Ooh, I should take this.
It might be drizzle-related.
So, Haley, we are here to help
you. Tell us what "c..." is.
You told him?
You can confide in us.
We're middle-aged gay men.
Whatever it is,
we have heard of it.
Fine.
The other night,
Rainer asked me
if I would be
into candling.
- Oh.
You know
what that is, right?
- Yes!
It's when you do the...
And then ...
And then you ...
And then you do
the ... the boop, boop.
Candling is where you light
a hollow candle and insert it...
into one of
the ear canals...
to remove ear wax.
Ah ... Oh, God.
The thing is,
I don't know if I want to be
that intimate with Rainer.
Am I really ready to see gunk
coming out of his ear?
I mean, like,
what if he stops being sexy?
Well, it is intimacy
like that
that separates casual dating
from something more serious.
But what about
what you said earlier,
how even committed relationships
like yours have boundaries?
Excuse me,
what boundaries?
Hey, my phone died.
Can I borrow one of yours?
You told her
we have boundaries?
You told them
I asked you to candle me?
Okay, I feel like this tea's
getting away from us.
Nachos!
Get your nachos here!
Get!
Goaltending!
Ref, do your job!
I'm a pharmacist.
Oh, sorry.
- Phil.
- Oh!
You seem
a little tight, man.
Hey, DeAndre Jordan.
Uh, no, no, no,
just working out the jim-jams.
First half's
about getting a read.
Yeah, right.
I didn't realize
that fans were coaching.
And you're helping
the parents.
Teachers are the backbone
of our country.
Get out of here.
Parenting is the hardest job
in the world.
I'm so sick of you acting
like you know everything.
Going to therapy
did nothing for you.
First of all,
stop transferring.
Secondly,
how about I coach that team,
you coach this team?
10 Dolphin Dollars
you and Phil are going down.
Oh, um ...
10?
You can't even get
a Foam Flipper with that.
Let's make it 50.
D.J., please.
How bout 50 real ones?
Okay.
Make it five grand.
That's the jump?
Go win this for me.
- Okay.
We're on the same team!
Foul!
Somebody fouled me!
Stop flopping!
Phil, come on, man.
Focus!
We just bet
our Olympic gold medals.
Why?
No one's making you do this!
I hate that I made you
uncomfortable.
I-I just wanted us
to be real with each other.
I want that, too.
I think I'm ready.
I will candle you.
Oh, look at that ...
two virtual strangers
breaking down walls
when I didn't even know
we had any.
When I told Haley
we had boundaries,
I just meant
that there are certain things
I'd rather not
ask you to do.
Like what?
We should be
open and honest
about whatever
our wants and needs are.
As long as
we're being real,
there's something
you need to know.
There is absolutely
nothing I ...
Shh!
I want to hear this.
Give me your hands.
Okay, deep breath.
Come on, Haley.
I draw in my eyebrows.
Oh.
This is the real me.
Did he leave?
Is he still here?
I'm still here,
and you're still beautiful.
Stop running from me.
Fine.
I have a confession
of my own.
Two seconds.
I've never told
anyone this.
I use tape
to pull my neck back.
I knew it!
Wow. So brave.
I feel so naked
right now.
Me, too.
They look exactly
the same, right?
No, what they look
is happy
because they
are brave enough
to be vulnerable
with each other.
Cam ...
It's just ironic
that you won't ask me
to do whatever it is
because you're worried
I'll judge you,
but I'm judging you now
for not trusting me,
and that hurts.
You're right, of course.
This is only bringing us
closer together.
Uh-huh! Who'd you say
normally does this?
Uh, this place
near my old office.
Lily in a pinch.
Okay, well,
I think that's it.
Oh, no, you have to go
over it one more time.
Okay, we're not
painting a bridge.
Okay, I've checked twice.
There's no invoice
for this last closet.
Well, there has to be,
and we've got to find it
before my dad does.
Is there any chance
you accidentally shredded it?
Don't worry.
If I did, it's an easy restore.
I was regional jigsaw champion
in the under-60 category.
That weird sneeze.
You sound like the guy
who was sick on the news.
No, that guy
was falling apart.
Aah!
You can't be infected.
It's not like you've spent
any time around that wood.
I mean, you don't hang out
in the warehouse.
I've seen how much
those guys pants you.
Oh, my God.
My mom has a new boyfriend,
and she doesn't want him to know
she has kids,
so when he comes over,
I sleep in the conference room.
Which is where
the sample closet is,
which is why there's
no record of it!
Oh, God!
I don't like to talk
about it a lot,
but I have a certain expertise
in timber.
Even blindfolded,
I can tell a Galapagos teak
from a Maltese cherry.
Came in handy
for a cop friend of mine.
Helped him round up
the Cedar Boys.
Dad? Hey!
What are you doing
in here, huh?
I'm checking out
this new wood.
It's not new wood.
The hell's the matter
with him?
He's got allergies.
Yeah.
Allergies.
Oh, Dad, have you ...
have you seen
this new fish tank
we just got?
Check it.
Where did you say
we got this wood?
Please, stop obsessing
about the wood.
- Hungry little sucker, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
You sure that's okay
for him to eat?
Yeah, it's fine.
Those fish are celebrated
for their hardiness.
Yeah, hardy.
Yeah, they're very popular
amongst rappers
'cause they do equally well
in Jacuzzis and champagne.
Where's Joe?
- He's with Margaret.
- Oh, okay.
I'm gonna bring him in here,
have him check out this fish.
- That's a good idea.
- Getting back to this wood.
Dad, the wood is fine.
It's ...
Oh, my ...
Turns out, the wood
doesn't just make people sick.
It also kills fish.
Well, I couldn't let Dad
know I bought murder wood,
so I sent Ben
to get a replacement fish
from the tank in the lobby.
So, those seem right to you?
Hmm?
They're study enough.
Smooth pivot.
Even glide.
I was already suspicious of that
wood, but then it kills a fish?
Claire obviously bought
some of that tainted lumber,
and then she tries hide it?
She must think I'm denser
than a Ponderosa maple.
That's a nice, easy ride.
Yeah.
Hey, kiddo,
why's your hand wet?
It's not.
It's sweaty.
I went to the gym
this morning.
Fridays, I do
legs and hands.
Claire, here's the water
you asked for.
Thank you!
My tooth
just fell out.
You know, I got a little
something stuck in my throat.
Give me a slug
of that water.
Oh, no, you don't
want this lobby water.
I just need a sip.
It's from the fountain,
and the warehouse guys
put their mouth all over it.
Just give it to me.
I can't.
Oh, my God,
you actually did it.
Can you feel that thing swimming
around in your belly?
You knew there was a fish
in there?
I saw you toss
the other one out.
You're so afraid of
getting caught screwing up,
you'd swallow an animal?
This sort of seems like
a family thing,
and my vision
is tunneling, so...
All right, well,
we recalled all the bad wood,
but that doesn't mean
that we didn't screw up.
So, go ahead,
let me have it.
Tear my head off.
Tell me how I've disappointed
you yet again.
And what is happening?
All day long I've been trying
to get Joe to fear me.
Maybe that's not
the best thing for kids.
Hi.
Well, I made
six Dolphin Dollars
plus 20 real ones
from some weirdo
who wanted me to ladle cheese
straight into his mouth.
Ew. All right, papi,
thank you so much,
but I still need help
attracting customers over there.
Oh, I can see if Phil
has that thing in his car
that flails around
like this.
Claire?
No, his Tube Dude.
Oh.
Oh!
Can I help you
with anything?
I'm just going to buy
a snack
with my last five
Dolphin Dollars.
I don't want to throw
them away.
That's how they get you.
The nachos are amazing.
But do not get anything
from the stand
that is over there ...
The hot dog lady?
She just said the same thing
about you.
You two remind me of me
and DeAndre Jordan.
We have a rivalry,
and I don't know why.
Maybe in life, we resent people
who hold up a mirror
and force us to look
at the worst in ourselves.
I see what you're saying,
Charles Barkley.
And that's what we call
an assist.
Hand stamp.
Donna, we have to stop
this fighting.
A wise man once told me
that we resent mirrors
that show us
what we don't want to see.
That's ridiculous.
I love mirrors.
But the point is
that I was mad
because you made me see
who I really am,
and I was shocked
to see what I have become.
Stop talking.
You're sounding human,
and I don't like that.
I am soft, privileged lady,
and I thought that bothered me.
Until today,
I realized that it doesn't.
I don't want to do this.
I love
my pretty, pretty life.
The only thing
that makes me feel bad
is that I don't
really feel bad about it.
Thank you so much
for opening up to me.
I almost started
to feel something for you,
but then when you said
you don't feel guilty,
my rage returned tenfold.
And I need that rage.
It gets me up in the morning.
Well, if it helps you,
I eat everything I want,
and I work out
like once a year.
You're horrible.
Oh, thank you.
All right, guys ...
tie game, three seconds left.
There's only one thing that
they're not gonna be expecting.
We're gonna get the ball
to Phil.
What?
They're not even
guarding you.
I'm so sure of this play,
I just bet Barkley my car.
Is it a-a Honda?
No, it's a Phantom with my head
as the hood ornament.
All right,
let's win this thing.
Phil, honey, hi!
I'm sorry we're late,
but at least we're here
for the end of the game.
I could really use a win
on the day I drank a fish.
Drank like a fish.
Wow, a bunch of NBA players
are tweeting about this bet
between Charles Barkley
and DeAndre Jordan.
And they're
live-streaming it,
so like 60,000 people
are watching.
Since when do people
care about basketball?
Calm down, Phil.
You can do this, pal.
You choose now to believe in me
for the first time?
All right, Phil.
You got this, man.
Two shots!
I can't go, Coach.
Ow! My ankle.
Well, well, well...
League rules dictate,
if a player can't attempt
a free throw
because of injury,
opposing team
gets to pick the shooter.
Right, but you're not
a know-it-all.
Don't give this anger power.
I pick you.
Don't choke.
Come on, honey.
Come on, Phil.
Phil Dunphy
to the free-throw line.
Tie score.
This is for all the marbles,
folks.
Come on!
What happened?
It's gonna take an hour
to get the power back up,
so they called
the game.
I just feel so bad
for Phil.
You know him
as this happy-go-lucky guy,
but he has been beating himself
up over this for a year.
Oh, and he was so close!
It's gonna haunt him
never knowing
if he would have made
that shot.
Game's on the line.
Everybody's watching.
This one's for all the marbles,
folks.
Son of a bitch made it.
You know, I'm glad we're
doing this again.
Yeah, I think we just
put too much pressure
on it the first time.
You know,
humans aren't the only ones
who respond badly
to pressure.
Did I ever tell you
about the day without eggs?
It was at the start
of the Omelet Days Festival.
Up with the sun,
I grab my basket,
into the henhouse I go ...
34 hens, nary an egg.
I know, I know.
My grandpa said it was
the worst case of avian anxiety
he'd seen
since Pearl Harbor.
That's when they had to take
the radio out of the coop.
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