Listen up.
Any of youse goes stool-pigeon
on me,
you'll find yourself
in a Chicago overcoat.
Honey, you're not
gonna talk like that
all the way to the wedding,
are you?
Or all the way
to that overpass?
Hey, at least
you look cute.
Who picked my outfit?
I did.
My dad and Lorraine decided
to have a 1920s-themed wedding.
Such a romantic time.
Yeah, dust bowls,
the Klan, Prohibition.
Oh, I'm ... I'm sure
they'll have alcohol.
Self-serve?
I guess the grease monkeys
must be out back shooting dice.
Can they come out here
and shoot us?
Oh, God, look down.
Haley?
We're going somewhere
fancy, okay?
Where, the past?
Hi, Kimmy.
You didn't feel like
dressing up, too?
What do you say those
pretty peepers of yours
never saw the famous
gangster Phillinger
and his ex-prostitute
getaway driver?
I think a, uh ...
a sawbuck should do the ...
That's too much.
I'm gonna get some change.
Enjoy dress-up day.
Mom, you need
to control your man.
I cannot listen
to this character all day.
Guys, you know your dad.
You know your dad's dad.
We are up against
unimaginable forces of goofy.
Just remember he does it
out of love.
It's Johnny Law!
Let's hot-foot it!
Ohh!
Phil!
What the hell
is all this?
I got a rush order
for my sauce,
and the kitchen that
I usually use was booked,
so I have to
do everything myself.
You know, I think
I slept funny last night.
No, don't. I know better
than to ask for your help.
Ah, good, 'cause
I have a tee time.
On the way, could you take me
to pick up my prom tux?
That sounds like
something you'd love to do.
I so don't
want to do that.
I'm turning 70 next year.
I know ... I look great.
One of the few perks
of getting up there
is the ability to say no
without guilt.
"Can I have a ride
to the airport?" No.
Do I want to see
your niece's recital?
Nuh-unh.
"Want to do a walk-a-thon
to end global ..."
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Was anyone in
my room last night?
Not after
I tucked you in.
Great.
I have a monster.
I'm sure you're mistaken.
Nope. And we have to catch him
before I go to bed tonight.
Joe, there's
no such thing as monsters.
Calm down. I'm not gonna
ask you to help.
Shaping up like
a pretty good year.
Cake for breakfast?
Now we're talking.
No, don't touch that!
I'm making that
for Uncle Pepper's
costume party tonight.
The theme
is famous movie duos.
Daddy and I are going
as Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
You know what?
Where is Pam?
She said she was gonna
be here two hours ago.
She has no respect
for anyone else's time.
You know, she says she's gonna
pop in for a "short stay."
It's like we're just supposed to
rearrange our lives?
Hmm.
It's taken me a long time,
but I've finally learned
that when it comes to
Cam's sister,
anything I say can and will
be used against me.
Do you think maybe
we should, you know,
have the bartender
cut Pam off?
Oh, God, you know what? She is
getting a little bit messy.
Uh, Pam, Mitchell
thinks you're kind of
making a fool
out of yourself.
Go to hell, Mitchell!
You go straight to hell!
Whoo!
Well, her majesty
has finally arrived.
I can sense
how angry you are.
I know. I know.
I'm late.
No, there's no late
when you're family.
Although Mitchell
was just saying ...
So what brings you
into town?
Modeling.
Oh.
I'm sorry. Modeling?
Real-person modeling.
Back home, they put me on
a billboard for the feed store,
and I caught the bug.
Oh. Wow.
Next stop ... Hollywood.
Okay.
wow.
So how long are you
gonna be in town?
Well, who's to say?
Well, I was hoping
it'd be you.
You can't put a date
on a dream.
Mnh-mnh.
Speaking of,
we need to take me
to an audition,
and I'm a little jittery,
so I was hoping you guys
would want to ride along
for moral support.
Oh, actually,
Mitchell and I have a r...
We have a really busy day.
Isn't that right, Mitchell?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, this won't take long.
Let's go.
On the ride over, I can
practice my joint-pain grimaces.
Hmm.
Oh! Oh.
Ohh!
Are you okay?
I am! I am!
Oh, yeah, I know.
You're good. You're good.
Ohh!
Again?
Joe hasn't slept in that
chewed-up sweater snagger
in years, but Gloria won't
let me get rid of anything
the kid has ever touched,
so I needed a plan.
Fortunately, when you
say no to everything,
it frees up time
to concoct ingenious schemes.
Look, Joe, there's
no monsters anywhere.
There's nothing
underneath the bed,
nothing inside the teepee.
Are you sure?
Yes, monsters need
places to hide.
They're not like
the evil spirits,
which are all around us.
What?
No, no, nothing, baby.
Nothing.
Look, my window's open!
Maybe that's how
he got in.
Impossible.
If he came across the roof,
there'd be broken tiles
or monster prints or...
My monogrammed money clip.
I snuck in through Joe's
window last night because
it was past curfew,
and I must have dropped my clip
on the roof.
I needed to get it
before Mom saw.
I can't afford to get grounded.
David Sedaris
is coming to Barnes and Noble
on a school night.
I guess I can go out on the roof
and check for monster slobber.
Okay.
No!
If he falls from
the roof and dies,
his ghost will
haunt you forever.
Oh, boy.
I do not need a ghost.
Manny, help me out
in the garage.
Do I get to say no to things
I don't want to do?
No, at your age, it's unlikable.
At my age, it's delightful.
Can you get those Easter
decorations down for me?
I don't know
if you remember,
but my back's been bothering me
lately.
Uh, do I need
to change my shirt?
It looks
cobwebby up there.
No, just give it a tug.
You know, I never realized
how close to the edge
that cinder block is to falling
right on this beautiful crib.
Whoa!
Son of a...!
You got to be kidding me!
Come on!
Quite the shindig,
huh?
You mooks
cool your heels.
I'll grab some hooch
for this parakeet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil, why are we
the only ones in costume?
Oh, you're right, doll.
Something's screwy.
The invitation clearly said
"gangster attire optional."
Optional?
Ow!
You dumbasses
actually did it!
Jerry, get this!
No, Jerry, don't get this.
Uh, everyone,
this is Lorraine's son, Ray.
Mother-daughter ...
My favorite search category.
Shouldn't you be
partially upright
on a "stages of man"
chart somewhere?
What?
Yeah.
Honey, you need to hear this
right now.
Your family's
embarrassed.
We're the only ones
in costumes.
You do this
all the time.
I'm wearing
wool underwear.
That's an extra step
you chose to take.
I'm sorry.
I thought this would be fun.
Yes, but your idea of fun is
often our idea of a horror show.
When you picked me up from
school in that hot-dog car.
Repeatedly screaming,
"That's what I'm talking about!"
at my graduation.
Walking into my
science fair on stilts.
Your exhibit was
on daddy longlegs.
I had no choice!
Oh, honey, you always
have a choice.
You just keep making
the wrong ones.
Guys.
Come on, now.
Well, look,
it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.
Looking good yourself, Pops.
How, uh ... How you doing?
Well, I got my rings,
got my vows.
Now all I need
is a way to escape.
Please, someone help.
I'm kidding, of course.
Actually, I'm really looking
forward to being married.
Then ... Then what's
with the getaway bag?
Oh, I got to ask you
to help me out
with what I think
is a doozy of a surprise.
Come here.
Get this ... Mid-ceremony,
you know, when you ask
if anyone
has any objections?
Yeah?
I'm gonna pull out
a Tommy gun and tell you
to skip that part.
Sweet maple syrup.
I like it.
I'm just getting
warmed up.
I got a script, prop guns,
exploding paint capsules.
I even hired a few of the local
theater people to help out.
And, uh ... And Lorraine's
cool with all this?
That's the beauty part.
She doesn't know
a thing about it.
80% of comedy
is surprise.
The other 20%
is wordplay.
Something wrong, son?
I think this might be
a terrible idea.
What do you mean?
Lorraine might be one of those
old-fashioned brides
that doesn't want a body count
on her special day.
Dad, you and I like to have fun,
but not everybody's like us.
Some people ...
Some people think
our brand of humor
is embarrassing.
Oh, you're right.
Maybe I do overdo it.
I remember your mother
was really ticked off at me
at your baptism when
I kept pretending the holy water
was boiling.
Ouch! Ouch!
Okay, we don't have to do
anything crazy today.
Don't worry about it.
Thanks, Pops.
But, wait, you're still
gonna do my funeral
the way we talked about,
right?
That recording of you
banging on that piece of wood
screaming,
"Let me out of here!"
It's a real shame
I'm gonna miss that.
What are you doing?
That accident
that Manny caused earlier
gave me quite a start,
so I figured
I'd pull everything out and put
it back in a safer fashion.
Gloria, could you
plug this in for me?
I want to dust off
some of this stuff.
Did you call me outside
just for that?
I got a back situation.
Maybe Manny mentioned it.
Oh, no! Wrong cord!
What have you done?
Geez, it seems like Joe's crib's
damaged beyond repair!
No, no, it's fine.
It just Froggered
across the street.
Leave it there. The garbage man
is coming tomorrow.
And you're fine
with that?
You're attached to everything
related to that kid.
Yeah, but not to that
stupid crib.
Do you know how many clothes
I've ruined walking by it ...
nice dresses, sweaters,
a pair of high heels?
How do you snag
a pair of high heels?
I kicked that stupid thing.
How else?
Oh!
Ay!
My trap worked!
I caught the monster!
I got you now, monster!
Wait, wait, wait, stop!
It's me ... Manny.
Prove it.
Do I like vegetables?
Only with ketchup.
Manny, what are you
doing here?
Uh, I just needed a place
to practice
some new dance moves
for the prom.
Do it.
What?
Do the dance moves.
Uh...
I have to admit that
that is very good.
But I know
that you're lying.
Fine.
I was the one
in here last night.
I came in through the window
because I broke curfew.
I dropped my money clip,
and I was just trying
to get it back.
Forget about going
to David Sedaris.
I was wrong, Joe.
There is a monster
in this room.
The key to
real-person modeling
is not to attract a lot
of attention to yourself.
This is me thinking
about buying a car.
Uh-huh.
This is me
with a toothache, obviously.
Ah.
Oh, this is me smart.
What was that, Mitchell?
I didn't say anything.
I thought you said something
about that we had a busy day.
No. No, I'm just
happy to be here
watching a career
get launched.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, tell me if
they call my name.
I'm gonna go pretty down.
Mm.
Okay.
Can you believe her?
She just barges into
our life and expects us
to drop everything and invest
in this crazy dream.
Well, she really does look like
someone who just broke her mop.
Okay, what is
going on with you?
I'm not doing it anymore,
Cam, okay?
Okay, you're too afraid to
confront your big, scary sister,
so you use me to do it.
Well, I'm out, okay?
Until you learn how
to confront her yourself,
you're never gonna
get the respect from her
that you clearly crave.
Okay, you know what?
I am not in the least bit
intimidated by her.
"Her" who?
Oh, the lady at the costume
store that,
uh, M-Mitchell's
pressuring me to go
pick up the costumes
right now.
I go... Okay,
I'm going, Mitchell.
My gosh. My gosh.
Hey, give me a dollar
so I can get me some gum.
Oh.
Here.
Thank you.
My God, you're perfect.
It's happening!
You're absolutely
unremarkable!
Terry, get out here!
This better not be
another false
I can't not take
my eyes off him.
Oh, I'm ... I'm not here
to audition.
Say that again.
Yes, I've already forgotten
what you said.
When they made him,
they kept the mold.
Are you looking at me?
Please tell me you're
doing a scene from a movie
and not confused about
what a mirror is.
Hi, honey.
What's that?
A bag of plastic guns.
My dad was planning
this crazy stunt at the wedding
that Lorraine didn't
even know about.
There's a whole script
for it and everything.
Don't worry.
I talked him out of it.
No more embarrassing
the Dunphys today.
I heard what you guys said,
and I'm ... I'm truly sorry.
Oh, quick.
What nickname did Jennifer Lopez
steal from Jon Lovitz?
J... Never mind.
Hello?
Yes, the rings.
Wow.
He didn't say "J-Lo."
He also heard that siren
and didn't say,
"There's my ride."
Did we break Dad?
And when was the last time
you saw him
pick up
a can of whipped cream
and not do his
"I've got rabies" gag?
Oh, my God.
Did we go too far?
Have we knocked
the fun out of him?
No, no, no.
Stop this thinking.
We are this close
to having a normal dad,
and you are
not ruining it.
Hey, guys, can I have
Claire for a second?
Sure.
Ew, they're spending their
wedding night right next door?
Calm down.
The loudest noise
you're gonna hear is Grandpa
getting out of a chair.
You look great.
Oh.
How are you feeling?
Well, you'd think
on my fourth marriage,
I wouldn't be this nervous.
Ah, I guess
it never gets easier.
I remember my wedding.
My stomach was
filled with butterflies.
And Haley.
I've always married
such serious men.
Frank is not that at all.
Oh, I know, but if
you can see past that.
Past that?
Yeah, he's got a lot of
wonderful qualities, too.
Oh, sweetie,
you're missing it.
All my ex-husbands were
accomplished, serious men,
but bone-dry.
A day hasn't gone by that
Frank hasn't made me laugh.
I hope I keep up.
Oh.
But who am I telling?
You got lucky, too.
Sweet victory!
Okay, wait, wait.
Charge!
No, no, no!
Not my hair!
What are you doing?
What are you...?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
We're painting Joe's wall
with monster repellent
to protect him.
Looks like you're
having fun, huh?
Honey, don't worry. We're not
gonna ask you to do anything.
The trick to the corners
is if you ...
Yeah, yeah,
we got it.
Go fix yourself
a drink!
"Fix yourself a drink."
Right there,
right there, Joe.
The thing about saying no ...
You say it too much...
people just stop asking.
You stole my dream.
Okay, would you please
stop saying that?
If you hadn't distracted
those ninnies
with your striking regularness,
they would have put me
in a national TV ad campaign
instead of neither of us!
Why are you flipping out?
I-I am not in competition
with you.
Oh, so now you think
I'm crazy?
N-No.
Well, maybe I am crazy,
but I have a damn good reason.
Connect the dots,
you dummy.
I'm wearing real loose clothes.
I need money real bad.
My hair is lustrous
like a lion's mane.
Uh, you're in love?
No, the opposite!
I'm pregnant!
Okay. Oh, God.
The family didn't want me
to get back together with Beau
on account of he's
six-parts Chicopee and married,
but I did it anyway,
and now he's in County
for punching a police horse
in the face.
And if they find out,
then they'll just know
that everyone was right
about me being such a screw-up.
Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
I mean, how many months
along are you?
Oh, all of them.
Yeah, go ahead.
Condemn me.
I can see the judgment all over
that generic face of yours.
This strap is cutting
into me like a piano wire.
Would you mind going through
my luggage
and pulling out
my after-dinner bra?
If I must.
I'm home!
I didn't get picked.
Thanks for asking.
Well, I have good news.
Mitchell and I
are early contenders
to win the best costume
in the human/animal category.
What are you doing?
Self-comforting with food.
I've been working
on that all morning,
and it is for
a party tonight.
What are a bunch of gays
gonna do with a cake
but stand around screeching
about how pretty it is?
Okay, that's it.
Pam, you are rude.
You are disrespectful.
And you are going in
for another bite?
Put the fork down!
Put it down!
It is high time
that you start thinking
about somebody
other than yourself!
Oh.
So that's how you feel?
Yes, it is.
Then I guess it is on!
Don't. No!
You better run!
No!
Get off of me!
I wasn't ready!
Then get ready for this!
Hey! Cut it out!
Hey! That hurts!
Good,
then it's working!
Oh, cut it out, you faker.
I'm not even touching you.
I assume it's this one.
Oh, what are you doing?
She's pregnant!
What?
Hey! Hey! Cut it out!
Oh! Oh!
Okay, okay.
Oh, no, I think
my water just broke.
Is it on me?
I'm fixing to
reproduce right now!
Call 811.
No, Mitchell,
that's for livestock.
Call 911.
Yeah, I-I know.
I know.
Pamela,
why didn't you tell me?
Well, why do you think?
I didn't want
to disappoint you.
You know you're the person
I look up to mo-o-o-o-o-st...
Whoa! Oh, my gosh.
in the family.
I am?
Why do you think
I came here?
Oh.
I wanted to be near you
when the baby po... Aah!
Ow!
But I thought maybe
if I got a job first,
I wouldn't look like
such a pathetic me-e-e-e-ss!
Ow!
What?
I'm so cold, Cam!
Oh, oh, here,
put on Mitchell's bear costume.
Here you go. Come on.
Okay, so they are gonna
be here in, uh, 10 minutes.
I'll never make it!
Okay.
It's a-coming!
Okay!
Mitchell! Mitchell, okay.
It's all right.
We're here for you.
Help me get her pants off.
Okay. Yes.
All right, we need to get
some pillows
up underneath her hips
to get her birthing canal
properly angled.
Yeah!
All right, here we go.
Relax.
Mitchell!
I want to make sure
that they don't miss the house,
so I'm just gonna...
Breathe, breathe.
Frank and Lorraine,
today marks the public and legal
joining of your souls,
marriage being above all else,
a contract.
Uh, one of my
favorite authors once wrote,
"If love is not all,
then it is nothing.
This principle,
and its opposite,
collide down all the years of ...
of my breathless tale."
Seeing Phil bomb up there,
I felt like a mama bird
who had just nudged her chick
out of the nest
without a single pun
to break his fall.
"For man can no more
survive without love
than a cooper
without his billhook,
nor a whaler less
his flensing knife."
Words as true today
as they were
when they were written
18,000 years ago.
That can't be right.
Now is the moment
when I ask if anyone here
has reason to object to
the union of these two people.
Thank you.
I object!
I object to you not handing over
those diamond rings, preacher!
You heard her.
Hand over the ice,
or I fill you full of... leed.
Lead.
Honey,
what are you doing?
Sorry, padre,
you had your chance.
I now pronounce you dead!
When in the world did ...
A lot of questions
for a cadaver!
Ohh! Ohh!
Don't you see?
These twos is in on it together!
Mind your own potatoes,
Daisy.
Ohh!
Excuse me.
This is my wedding
and your funeral!
Ohh!
And one
for the choir boy!
Missed me.
Hey, uh, you guys feel like
doing one more paint job?
Only all of us this time?
Sure.
Sometimes life can be
simpler than we think.
We're born...
You know, um, maybe we
should let Pam and the baby
stay upstairs
for a little while.
Mitchell was just saying ...
No, he hates when I do that.
I was just saying
that maybe you and the baby
should stay upstairs
for a while?
Oh, Cam!
we die...
You're all mad
with the devil's brew!
and in between...
Ah!
if we're lucky, we laugh...
which makes the journey
worth taking.
With that in mind...
Do you, Frank Dunphy,
the silliest man I know...
take Lorraine to be
your long-suffering wife?
I do.
Ohh.
You may kiss the tomato.
Yay!
Your bedtime was
an hour ago, senor.
I want to finish this.
You don't even know
how to read.
Stop worrying.
There's no monsters upstairs.
That paint works.
Mommy, can you check it?
Okay.
Your mother won't even
let me get rid of this
sticky, old tarp.
She's attached
to everything.
Someday soon, that will
work in your favor.
Hey, careful
of that cinder block.
Man, you couldn't budge
that thing with a ... Oh!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
Great!
Now I have a swamp monster!
Captions by VITAC :