What's cooking?
My mother's recipe ...
guinea-pig pie.
Smells good.
You just accept that?
It's pecan.
How cuckoo do you think
my country is?
It's come to this ...
"What's cooking"
and "smells good"
gets me in trouble?
Mom, you're already
cooking for tomorrow?
Don't make a big deal.
My baby's graduating.
He won the award for
Integrity and Character.
"No absents, no tardies,
respectful to students
and teachers alike."
My school
had an award like that,
but instead of a sash,
that kid
got a punch in the mouth.
Proud of you, though.
Why do all your stories
involve a punch in the face,
a shifty European, or a broad
who's been around the block?
That reminds me of when I had to
rough up this Italian kid
because he didn't want me
dating his sister.
She was no nun!
Jay, can you please
take care of the steaks?
Sure.
On the eve
of your big day,
we're celebrating
with rib eyes,
and you and I are gonna have
our first scotch.
Really?
Yeah.
I've been waiting to open
a special bottle.
Huh. Looks like
the mice got into it.
Hello, hello?
Where's my son?
- Dad!
- Ha ha ha!
What,
did he hop the gate?
You came!
I said I'd come.
I know, but you came!
How could I miss it?
Manny, the first member
of my family
to ever graduate
from high school.
Wait a minute.
Don't you have a brother
in Colombia who's a doctor?
Yes.
He just does orthopedic surgery,
no brain or heart.
Think of it ...
Tomorrow, I will watch you
stride across the stage
with a sash,
like a rebel's bandolier
telling the world
"No absents, no tardies."
Manny and I were
gonna grill some steaks
and drink
some, um, beers.
Thank you, Jay,
but if it's all right with you,
I would like
to take Manny out
for a special
father-son celebration.
Is that okay?
Ah, sure. I mean, he...
made the effort to come.
Didn't have time to button
his shirt all the way up.
But... go ahead.
Perfect!
The night begins.
But first... here.
Walk through this.
I know
that smells terrible,
but I've never seen that man
get a mosquito bite.
There he is ... the graduate.
I have one word for you, Luke ...
plastics.
I don't think
he knows that movie, honey.
Mrs. Dunphy,
you're trying to seduce me.
Okay, let's just give him
the gift, all right?
Okay, but first,
gather around, everybody!
Riddle me this ...
What has two hands, is wound
tight, and has a lot of ticks?
Alex?
Good guess, but no.
This was made
in Switzerland,
not in
the Disneyland Hotel.
Awesome! A watch!
We wanted
to give it to you early
so you could wear it
to graduation today.
Yeah.
It's shockproof.
Oh, good. You can
show it your grades.
I love it.
What time is it?
Time for my little man
to go out in the world
and make his mark
like the tiny trouper
he used to be.
Hold on.
I'll be right back.
I remember
when he was so small,
we'd give him a bath
in the sink.
Here we go.
Dad, we really got to
talk about the crying.
When we graduated, you were
a mess, and it was humiliating.
Showing emotion is part
of being a sexy modern man.
Ask anyone who was
raised on Alan Alda.
I don't think
we have to worry
about him going anywhere
anytime soon.
He just installed a mini fridge
and a hammock in his room.
Mom, Dad,
you did all the hard work
getting me
through high school.
You deserve a gift.
But what do you get
the Cadillac of parents?
A Rolls-Royce.
Oh, my goodness!
How did you
afford that?
- It was only $2,000.
- Huh.
Judge Thompson, from the club,
got me into a police auction.
If I had 40 more dollars,
you'd be looking at a speedboat.
So, what do you think?
It's... It's wow.
Right?
Hmm.
I loved the macaroni necklace
he made me in first grade,
and I even used the perfume
he gave me in fifth grade,
but this car is so gaudy.
People are gonna think I played
for the Knicks in the '70s.
It's the most
beautiful gesture
I have ever seen.
It's 100% class.
Hey, Mom, didn't you say
you had some errands to run?
Oh. I ...
In a little while.
Uh, s... Yeah, but ...
Um, gosh, it's got fur. Wow.
It's like driving a lion.
Hey, before you go,
give us a honk.
All right.
(horn honks to the tune
of "We're in the Money")
The horn doesn't help,
does it?
So, I've narrowed it down to
Swiss Coffee
and Whispering White.
But I can't decide
between matte or satin.
I thought we landed
on Eggshell.
We decided
against Eggshell.
W-Why don't we just
sell the house?
Why don't we just paint
the floor Eggshell
since that's what
I'm walking on.
Okay.
I forgot to
give this to you.
Oh, thank you. Have a good day
at school, sweetie.
Bye, sweetie.
It's fourth grade.
We're all just
treading water.
What is it?
Ah, well, it's ... it's
from the principal's office.
Is she in trouble?
No!
She's... smart.
She is?
That's what it says.
Are you sure it's not
for Lily Rosen?
You were at
that science fair.
She brought that frog
back to life!
This is for our Lily.
T-They're suggesting
that she skip fifth grade
and go right into middle school
next year.
"Lily is testing far above
her grade level...
What?
and we feel
she would benefit
from a more challenging
curriculum."
- Huh.
- I know!
All these years we thought
that she was, uh ...
God, what's the word?
Different? Peculiar?
Odd? Mean?
So many words.
But she was just really smart.
Holed up in her room every day
after school, she wasn't ...
Plotting to kill us?
I was gonna say
daydreaming.
They ... They want us to tour
the school today if possible.
This is so exciting.
I know.
Our little baby's
a genius!
You know, um,
I also skipped a grade.
I'm not saying
I was a genius, but ...
Good, because we're getting
along so well right now.
Oh, hey.
Hi. Hey. Hi.
Hey. Hi.
Mwah!
Here you go. Yeah.
Thanks so much.
Hey, guess what.
They want Lily
to skip fifth grade.
Traditionally, the person
who says "guess what"
also gets to say
the what.
Wait a second.
Lily's smart?
Look.
I mean,
there's proof of that?
Yeah. Right there.
Yes.
Huh. They asked Alex
to skip a grade, too...
It's not a competition,
Claire.
but we felt
that it would be
too much stress
to have her
with kids so much older.
Good for Lily!
Yeah.
I just always thought
she was, you know...
So did we. Yeah.
Us too. Yeah.
How was your big night
with Javier?
I overindulged.
Booze or burgers?
Booze.
I drank so much,
I had an angry slap fight
with what turned out
to be a mirror.
Do I hear my Manny?
When you're hungover,
it's like a car alarm.
Ay. IHola, papi!
Happy graduation day!
That's delightful.
I need your sash
and your gown.
So that I can press it.
I don't want anyone
looking wrinkly.
I don't mean you, but it's fun
that you're right there.
I, uh, left them at school.
I'll run over there.
Mama,
I have a stomachache.
And my ankle is broken.
And you can walk
with your broken ankle?
I had a cousin got out
of Vietnam that way.
Whenever Manny's getting
a lot of attention,
Joe gets very needy ...
"my head,"my arm."
In Colombia, we say,
"If it's not bleeding,
shut your guinea-pig hole."
We actually do eat guinea pig.
Call me back, Dad!
It's an emergency!
What's wrong?
I kind of misplaced
my cap and gown and sash.
Maybe they're at that strip club
you went to last night.
Shh! How did you know?
It's all over your face.
My shame?
Glitter.
Ohh.
Tell me what happened.
We picked up
my graduation stuff
on the way, and ...
I don't know. I guess the tassel
got my dad thinking.
Why didn't you leave them
in the car?
I didn't want them
to get stolen.
And I may have
taken it out
to impress a certain Chyna
with a "Y."
I think
she really liked me.
I'm not gonna spoil
that one for ya.
I graduate in five hours!
We'll get you
another cap and gown.
That sash has been worn
by every honoree for decades.
I'm not gonna be
the one to lose it
after it's survived
earthquakes and wars
and the lunchroom gravy fire
of '64!
Fine. Where is this place?
I don't know!
I remember there was
a lot of brass and mirrors
and loud '80s music.
Well, that narrows it down.
Wait.
Uh, it was by the airport.
All right. We'll find it.
I'll take you.
Don't worry.
It'll be our little secret.
Thank you, Jay.
What happened to him?
I'm back.
We need to talk to you.
Sit down.
What's going on?
Don't say anything.
Just watch.
Baby pictures of Luke?
More than baby pictures.
You're gonna watch Luke grow up
to sappy music.
Why are you doing this?
To get all the crying
out of your system
so you don't melt down
at the graduation.
It's like when
you drink too much
and your friends
get you super-wasted
so you never drink again
for the rest of the week.
It's the first time he saw snow.
Oh, here, Dad.
Thank you.
His baby blanket? Why?
Hey, nice car,
Grey Gardens!
It was a gift
from my son!
Ugh.
What the hell?
Rawrrr!
You call that a tiger?
R-a-a-a-awrrr!
And we're very proud
of our state-of-the-art
computer lab.
It's so weird ... Every time
I step into a middle school,
I feel like I'm 14
ag-a-in.
That... was on me.
He wasn't gonna do anything.
How much is his therapy
costing again?
We used to think
that was snark.
Now we know it's wit.
Yeah.
Uh, Mr. Peterson,
we just want to be certain
that this environment's
the right fit for Lily.
We have
a lot of experience
dealing with
accelerated students.
But if Lily
really is gifted,
then maybe there's another
path ... private schools.
Although, I do love the
diversity of a public school.
On the other hand,
I do wonder ...
Okay, you know what?
We're just deciding
if she's gonna skip a grade.
We're not charting out
the next 20 years of her life.
Well, no, choices
have consequences.
If we don't do this right,
she could lose all interest
in school and drop out,
and the next thing you know,
we're supporting her
and her deadbeat boyfriend
and our savings are drained,
and then we have to
sell the house!
Okay, why do all
your meltdowns have to do
with us
selling the house?
I'm just saying ...
We're gonna give you guys
a minute, okay?
Okay.
Lily, do you want to see
the computer lab?
This feels like a good time
to tell you I'm adopted.
Maybe Claire's right.
Maybe it's too much pressure
for her to skip a grade.
I did it, and I'm fine.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. Um ...
Hey, w-what does "uh-huh" mean?
Well, perhaps you're not
the... best advertisement
for skipping a grade.
So, wait. You're afraid
Lily's gonna turn out like me?
I'm just saying that
maybe you skipping a grade
put too much pressure
on you,
and it exacerbated
your neurotic tendencies,
and now you can't even make
a tiny, little decision
about, you know...
paint.
Wow! I can...
Y-You ...
I don't have to just st...
Oh, you think
you are so s...
You can't decide
how to storm off, can you?
I am...
Luke's first haircut.
He gave me bangs.
Well, that's it.
Hopefully
you're all cried out.
You remember when he hid that
mouse trap under the pillow
to catch the tooth fairy?
Dad, we got to start getting
ready for the graduation.
Yeah, so maybe splash
some cold water on your face
and wrap it up.
Do you guys remember that
"Luke Loves Daddy" rap?
I thought you said
he'd be cried out by now.
Dad, please,
you really got to stop.
That's what he said when
I was the tickle monster!
Ohh!
Mama,
now my tooth hurts.
Well, I guess you can't
have cake today.
What if it's my leg?
Claire, I guess I'm picking up
the cake myself,
because you didn't answer
my messages.
Grawr!
Gr-a-a-awr!
Hey, Claire, are you
having fun at the Gym Town?
As a matter of fact,
I am.
This is my new friend,
Charlie.
He loves dinosaurs,
and tomorrow we're both
gonna have pink eye.
Hi, Charlie!
Can you go and find
the negligent adult
that brought you here?
Oh, do you
have to go so soon?
He smells so good!
Yeah, you're like two sniffs
away from a felony.
What is going on?
I gave Phil such a hard time
for being too emotional
about Luke's graduation,
but I think it's hitting me
more than I want to admit.
I know.
It happens so fast.
Luke used to love
coming here.
Today he gave us
a Rolls-Royce.
The one outside
is yours?
I thought
I was gonna be able
to meet
Mr. Burt Reynolds!
You're lucky. When Manny goes,
you still have Joe.
Yeah, but it doesn't
make it hurt any less.
We just have face it ...
They're not boys anymore.
They're men.
Luke has a job,
and he's dating.
He can serve on a jury.
God, that's terrifying.
I know. Manny ditched us
last night to go drinking.
He thinks I don't know,
but I know.
He smelled like
a sweaty peppermint.
I saw the pictures that he
texted Luke from the strip club.
Is that where
Javier took him?
Oh. You did not know that.
I'm sorry.
But it ... it looked like one
of the classier establishments.
The girl that was
sitting on Manny's lap
had on a really cute top,
at ... at least
in the first picture.
The one time
that I thought
that he was going to
be a good father,
and he teaches Manny
how to be a dog!
I'm gonna kill him!
Hey, look at me!
I'm about to talk
to a stranger!
Oh, yes. This is it.
This is the one.
Ugh. It wasn't this depressing
last night.
The lunch scene
in a strip joint
is like a refugee camp
with less hope.
Excuse me.
Uh, my friend left
some personal belongings here
last night.
Anything left behind, uh,
goes in the lost and found.
There we go. Thank you.
There's a jacket...
glasses...
hairpiece, I hope...
What about my stuff?
Nope.
There's a lot of wedding rings
in here, though.
Sir, we're in a big hurry.
Have you seen a cap and gown
and sash?
Gentlemen,
put your hands together for...
Val the Dictorian!
(electronica version of
"Pomp and Circumstance" plays)
She definitely looks like
she knows stuff.
Credit where credit is due ...
She put together a pretty solid
act in very little time.
Can you just please help me
get my stuff back?
(electronica version of
"Pomp and Circumstance" plays)
Miss?
Miss? Val?
Hi. Heh.
Here's the thing.
The gown, everything ...
He actually left them here
last night.
I was having
a tete-a-tete with Chyna.
She probably mentioned me.
Hope I didn't lead her on.
See, I'm going
to college soon, and I ...
and I don't want
any loose ends.
I'm in the middle of my act.
Sure, but the thing is
he's got to get it back,
so if you could strip a little
more in our direction...
I'm such a screw-up.
Huh. "Integrity."
It should say
"Perverted Schnapps Maniac."
Oh, God.
It smells like
Miss Dictorian's perfume.
I can't wear this.
I'm a fraud.
No absents? Oh, I've got
one big absent ... my soul.
Manny, you've spent your whole
life trying to be perfect,
and this is throwing you
for a loop ... I get it.
But if you just
look around this room,
you'll realize
people make mistakes.
You could do way worse
than you did last night,
and it ain't gonna
change a thing.
So my advice ... try to be
a little easier on yourself.
Thanks, Jay.
Oh, God, there's Chyna.
Pretending to ignore me!
She's as transparent
as her pumps.
James Earl Carter.
Have you seen
my booboo?
Ohh! Poor baby!
Mwah.
Vice principal:
Nicole Ingrid Cortez.
Can you please move over?
I have to kill someone.
Vice principal:
Charles Mark Coleson.
I hope that you had fun
last night.
Oh, I did.
It was a magical time.
Lucy Coleson.
I can't believe that you ...
Me either. Look at our son
over there, eh?
He's perfect.
Yeah, and then
you come along
and you expose him
to all this ...
Me?
It was you who exposed him
to so many amazing things.
You raised him to be a
wonderful man without my help.
Every single thing that is good
about him is because of you.
Henry Coruthers.
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry.
Thank you for being the
finest mother to our son.
Hmm?
Damn it.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry about earlier.
It's not that I don't want Lily
to be like you ...
No, no. Hey.
You're right, okay?
I'm an indecisive mess.
Of course I don't want that
for her.
And for the record,
I don't want her to be
like me, either.
Ohh!
It's not like I'm
exactly an overachiever.
That's true.
Yeah, you jumped on that one
pretty quick.
If you care about
what I think...
I want to skip.
Vice principal:
Jacob Marcus Dalton.
Are you sure, sweetie?
Because it's
a lot of pressure.
I can handle it.
But what about
all your friends?
Vice principal:
Phillip Thomas Darrow.
I mean, look at ...
look at these kids.
A lot of them have known
each other since kindergarten.
I'll make new friends.
Kids really like me.
So... she's popular?
Vice principal:
Brittany Willa Darrow.
Phil, I'm sorry
I gave you grief earlier.
Today has hit me much harder
than I thought it would.
It's okay to be emotional.
It's too late.
I'm all cried out.
It's like there's no more
moisture left in my body.
Tiffany Dean.
I'm afraid if I blink,
my eyes will get stuck.
Hmm. Really?
Do you remember that video
where the lion greets the man...
and hugs him 'cause he
hasn't seen him in 20 years?
Yep. I sure do.
I am... dead inside.
Vice principal:
Manuel Alberto Delgado.
Bravo, Manny! Baby!
Mwah!
You did it, buddy!
Vice principal:
Lucas Phillip Dunphy.
Yeah!
Whoo!
My baby, my baby!
Well done, son.
Remember how cute he was
in his little
Buzz Lightyear costume?
Or how he used to say
"burfday" and "li-bary"?
He still does.
This is...
tearing me up.
Vice principal:
Margaret Ruth Everts.
Congrats, buddy.
Why does your gown smell
like Haley's perfume?
This is a fun game,
isn't it? But you know what?
Maybe one where
we just sat at a table...
Hey.
Congratulations
on the first
of what I'm sure
will be many diplomas.
Unless you want
to skip all that
and move to Colombia
and become a radiologist.
Thanks for helping me with
the cap-and-gown mess.
I don't know what I would
have done without you.
I'm just happy
you and your dad
got to have some
father-son time last night.
Yeah.
What?
It's just with me graduating
and everything,
I kind of wanted to say ...
you and me today, you know,
that's what I think of
as father-son time.
Let me tell you
something.
After my divorce,
my rule for dating
was no kids.
And then you and your mom
came along,
and all of that
went right out the window.
What I'm trying to say is...
here's to you, son.
You know, I'm still
kind of hungover.
You're a man now!
Power through!
The thing is,
we love the car.
We were so moved
by the gesture.
So moved.
Hey! I'm back!
I guess I just needed
to rehydrate.
Ohh.
But we can't keep it.
Honey, it's just ...
It's too generous.
But I love you guys
so much.
You're the graduate.
You need the car. It's yours.
I don't know what to say.
How 'bout "nailed it"?
I wanted that sweet ride
from the moment I saw it,
but I knew my parents
would never let me get it.
I also knew they'd never keep it
if I gave it to them, so...
If there were
any S.A.T. questions
about tricking your parents,
I'd be going to college.
Come on, you guys.
Let's roll.
You guys
leaving already?
Yeah, we all have plans.
Wait. Lily?
There are nine girls
who will freak
if I don't make
an appearance at Jenna's.
I'm confused.
I-Is she fun?
Hang on.
Ooh, nice ride!
Bye-bye!
See ya later!
Bye!
- Bye!
Oh, my gosh!
Luke is driving!
They didn't even stay
for dessert!
(horn honks to the tune
of "We're in the Money")
Oh, God.
They're really gone.
It's so sad.
But isn't it
what we hoped for?
- Yeah.
A toast.
We raised them
to be independent,
and now they're out in the world
having their own lives.
We did it.
iSalud!
To us!
Oh, sorry I missed
the first part,
but I'll drink to whatever
you're toasting.
Top me off!
Uh... what are you doing?
Well, I'm just
trying to see
if there's anything else
about Lily we haven't noticed.
Like ... she plays golf?
No, we would know.
Aren't there greens fees?
And what about this?
Huh?
"La Dolce Vita"?
She likes Italian films?
Well, no wonder
she thought
"Ice Age: Collision Course"
was boring.
I liked it.
Okay. What else?
A photo of Lily shaking
hands with the governor?
What? When?
Okay, maybe we need to
start paying more attention.
Or if it ain't broke...
Yeah, she's fine.
She's fine.
Captions by VITAC :