1 00:00:03,896 --> 00:00:05,021 Does everyone 2 00:00:03,896 --> 00:00:05,021 have a glass? 3 00:00:05,021 --> 00:00:06,021 I'm just giving 4 00:00:05,021 --> 00:00:06,021 my Thanksgiving toast. 5 00:00:06,021 --> 00:00:07,146 Oh, come on, Dad. 6 00:00:06,021 --> 00:00:07,146 Isn't it weird 7 00:00:07,146 --> 00:00:08,271 that every year 8 00:00:07,146 --> 00:00:08,271 you single out one person 9 00:00:08,271 --> 00:00:11,105 who somehow made you 10 00:00:08,271 --> 00:00:11,105 extra proud this year? 11 00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:12,980 It makes the rest of us 12 00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:12,980 feel like we ... 13 00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:12,980 It's you, Claire. 14 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,396 Yeah! I knew it! 15 00:00:14,396 --> 00:00:16,063 And you, Phil, 16 00:00:14,396 --> 00:00:16,063 and you, Mitchell. 17 00:00:16,063 --> 00:00:17,646 Actually, it's all of you. 18 00:00:17,646 --> 00:00:19,480 I know I get a hard time 19 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,188 for stirring up competition 20 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,188 in the family, 21 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,021 but look at the results. 22 00:00:23,021 --> 00:00:24,980 Phil scoring 23 00:00:23,021 --> 00:00:24,980 with his new magic shop. 24 00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:26,855 Cam winning the big game. 25 00:00:26,855 --> 00:00:28,313 Claire winning the race. 26 00:00:28,313 --> 00:00:30,271 And Mitchell 27 00:00:28,313 --> 00:00:30,271 scaring away that burg-a-lar. 28 00:00:30,271 --> 00:00:33,105 And you are 29 00:00:30,271 --> 00:00:33,105 a winner, too, Jay. 30 00:00:33,105 --> 00:00:35,188 He wanted to spend more time 31 00:00:33,105 --> 00:00:35,188 with Joe, 32 00:00:35,188 --> 00:00:36,771 so he's dropping him off 33 00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:39,146 and picking him up 34 00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:39,146 from school every day. 35 00:00:39,146 --> 00:00:40,313 Dad, what is wrong 36 00:00:39,146 --> 00:00:40,313 with her? 37 00:00:40,313 --> 00:00:41,646 I challenged her to get 38 00:00:41,646 --> 00:00:43,563 to 100,000 steps in a week. 39 00:00:43,563 --> 00:00:44,688 - That's easy. 40 00:00:43,563 --> 00:00:44,688 - That's so easy. 41 00:00:44,688 --> 00:00:46,146 Without shopping. 42 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,355 - Oh. 43 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,355 - I get ... I get the challenge. 44 00:00:47,355 --> 00:00:49,896 - No. 45 00:00:47,355 --> 00:00:49,896 - She's 1,000 steps from glory. 46 00:00:49,896 --> 00:00:51,355 Like the rest of you, 47 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,063 she was motivated 48 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,063 by my stingy praise. 49 00:00:53,063 --> 00:00:54,938 As I look around the room, 50 00:00:53,063 --> 00:00:54,938 I see nothing but winners, 51 00:00:54,938 --> 00:00:56,521 and I couldn't be prouder. 52 00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:57,855 To us! 53 00:00:57,855 --> 00:01:00,146 Everyone here is a winner. 54 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:07,021 Captions by VITAC : 55 00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:10,021 Captioning Provided by 56 00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:10,021 20th Century Fox Television 57 00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:10,021 and ABC, Inc. 58 00:01:10,021 --> 00:01:12,771 and brought to you by Ford. 59 00:01:10,021 --> 00:01:12,771 We go further, so you can. 60 00:01:16,521 --> 00:01:19,271 Oh, you knew I was nervous 61 00:01:16,521 --> 00:01:19,271 about the big game, 62 00:01:19,271 --> 00:01:20,730 so you set out my ... Okay. 63 00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:22,438 Sprinkles are for heroes. 64 00:01:22,438 --> 00:01:23,813 Here, Daddy. 65 00:01:23,813 --> 00:01:26,230 Thank you for protecting us. 66 00:01:23,813 --> 00:01:26,230 Oh. 67 00:01:26,230 --> 00:01:27,688 We're all so proud of Mitchell 68 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,521 about what happened 69 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,521 the other day. 70 00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:31,480 What I was thinking was, 71 00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:31,480 we could 72 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:32,771 Oh, my gosh! 73 00:01:32,771 --> 00:01:34,021 Was there a break-in? 74 00:01:34,021 --> 00:01:35,521 Yeah, yeah. 75 00:01:34,021 --> 00:01:35,521 It was ... It was crazy. 76 00:01:35,521 --> 00:01:37,313 I just started yelling 77 00:01:35,521 --> 00:01:37,313 at him, 78 00:01:37,313 --> 00:01:38,938 and I guess 79 00:01:37,313 --> 00:01:38,938 I scared him away, so... 80 00:01:38,938 --> 00:01:41,480 Oh, my gosh, sweetie. 81 00:01:38,938 --> 00:01:41,480 Are you okay? 82 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:42,980 Yeah, yeah, 83 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:42,980 I'm fine. I'm fine. 84 00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:44,563 You're so brave. 85 00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:44,563 Oh, honey. 86 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,480 So proud. 87 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,771 If the robber comes back 88 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,771 when Brave Daddy isn't here, 89 00:01:48,771 --> 00:01:50,980 we can use these. 90 00:01:48,771 --> 00:01:50,980 Okay, no, no, no, no. 91 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,688 I had to confiscate those 92 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,688 at school. 93 00:01:52,688 --> 00:01:53,813 They're very dangerous, 94 00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:56,230 and, plus, 95 00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:56,230 you should avoid the cliché. 96 00:01:56,230 --> 00:01:59,313 Confiscating contraband is part 97 00:01:56,230 --> 00:01:59,313 of my new job at school. 98 00:01:59,313 --> 00:02:01,605 I was recently promoted 99 00:01:59,313 --> 00:02:01,605 to 100 00:02:01,605 --> 00:02:03,271 acting vice principal. 101 00:02:03,271 --> 00:02:04,855 Which has nothing to do 102 00:02:03,271 --> 00:02:04,855 with acting. 103 00:02:04,855 --> 00:02:06,896 That was made very clear to me. 104 00:02:06,896 --> 00:02:09,313 Hey. Hey. 105 00:02:06,896 --> 00:02:09,313 Y-You seem a little nervous. 106 00:02:09,313 --> 00:02:10,688 Are you ... Are you worried 107 00:02:09,313 --> 00:02:10,688 about the big game? 108 00:02:10,688 --> 00:02:12,271 Yeah. 109 00:02:10,688 --> 00:02:12,271 I'm a little nervous. 110 00:02:12,271 --> 00:02:13,938 The Rattlesnakes have beat us 111 00:02:12,271 --> 00:02:13,938 the last six years, 112 00:02:13,938 --> 00:02:15,313 and we cannot lose. 113 00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:17,438 Is any of this because 114 00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:17,438 their coach is a woman? 115 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,688 I mean, shouldn't we be 116 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,688 rooting for her, because ... 117 00:02:19,688 --> 00:02:21,355 Oh, what, because she's 118 00:02:19,688 --> 00:02:21,355 another straight person 119 00:02:21,355 --> 00:02:23,230 coaching football? 120 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,063 Well, good luck. 121 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,063 Thank you, sweetie. 122 00:02:25,063 --> 00:02:26,896 You know, I can't promise 123 00:02:25,063 --> 00:02:26,896 that I'll make you as proud 124 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,271 as your daddy who fought off 125 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,271 a burglar, but I will try. 126 00:02:29,271 --> 00:02:31,146 You know, there's murmurs 127 00:02:29,271 --> 00:02:31,146 that the booster club 128 00:02:31,146 --> 00:02:33,480 is gonna divert some of our 129 00:02:31,146 --> 00:02:33,480 money to the science program. 130 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,730 Because that's what made 131 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,730 the Kennedys cool, you know ... 132 00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:38,313 playing science 133 00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:38,313 on the lawn. 134 00:02:38,313 --> 00:02:40,355 Ow! The first person 135 00:02:38,313 --> 00:02:40,355 who figures out 136 00:02:40,355 --> 00:02:43,480 how to stick these numbers 137 00:02:40,355 --> 00:02:43,480 right on is gonna be rich. 138 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,605 You could just pin it to 139 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,605 your shirt before you put it on. 140 00:02:45,605 --> 00:02:48,563 Have you shared this idea 141 00:02:45,605 --> 00:02:48,563 with anyone else? 142 00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:51,146 When Alex was a baby, I used to 143 00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:51,146 throw her in a jogging stroller, 144 00:02:51,146 --> 00:02:53,396 and she was my running buddy. 145 00:02:53,396 --> 00:02:55,938 This week, when she found out 146 00:02:53,396 --> 00:02:55,938 I was doing a 10K, 147 00:02:55,938 --> 00:02:57,688 she insisted on coming. 148 00:02:57,688 --> 00:02:59,355 Snore. 149 00:02:59,355 --> 00:03:01,521 I'm using my mom as a subject 150 00:02:59,355 --> 00:03:01,521 for my stupid psych paper 151 00:03:01,521 --> 00:03:03,688 because I started too late 152 00:03:01,521 --> 00:03:03,688 to sign out a monkey. 153 00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:06,105 It's about positive versus 154 00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:06,105 negative reinforcement. 155 00:03:06,105 --> 00:03:08,605 First half of the race ... 156 00:03:06,105 --> 00:03:08,605 "You can do it, Mom!" 157 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,813 Second half ... 158 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,813 "It's not your day, lady!" 159 00:03:10,813 --> 00:03:12,313 Thankfully, after it's done, 160 00:03:12,313 --> 00:03:14,313 I'll still be able to give out 161 00:03:12,313 --> 00:03:14,313 the banana I bought. 162 00:03:14,313 --> 00:03:16,396 Thank you so much 163 00:03:14,313 --> 00:03:16,396 for taking care of Joe. 164 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,980 I still have to get some things 165 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,980 from the store for dinner. 166 00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:20,230 It's no problem. 167 00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:22,396 I got a lot of knowledge 168 00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:22,396 to pass on. 169 00:03:22,396 --> 00:03:24,105 You been practicing 170 00:03:22,396 --> 00:03:24,105 your burping drills? 171 00:03:24,105 --> 00:03:26,105 Yes! 172 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,021 Better. 173 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,021 Okay, enough chitchat. 174 00:03:28,021 --> 00:03:29,563 Give me the V.I.P. pass 175 00:03:28,021 --> 00:03:29,563 for the sale. 176 00:03:29,563 --> 00:03:32,063 Everybody's heard 177 00:03:29,563 --> 00:03:32,063 of the H. Bronfman Clothiers 178 00:03:32,063 --> 00:03:33,813 Black Friday sale 179 00:03:32,063 --> 00:03:33,813 where the hoi polloi 180 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,730 fight over tuxedos like animals. 181 00:03:35,730 --> 00:03:37,646 But on Thanksgiving Day, 182 00:03:37,646 --> 00:03:39,896 a select few 183 00:03:37,646 --> 00:03:39,896 are invited to get first crack. 184 00:03:39,896 --> 00:03:41,730 If I get everything I want, 185 00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:44,938 that tux will be 80% off 186 00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:44,938 in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room. 187 00:03:44,938 --> 00:03:46,438 Black gold. 188 00:03:46,438 --> 00:03:48,188 I got it as a tip 189 00:03:46,438 --> 00:03:48,188 from some club members 190 00:03:48,188 --> 00:03:49,855 who had me "deal" 191 00:03:48,188 --> 00:03:49,855 with some geese. 192 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:52,355 You will not taint 193 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:52,355 this experience. 194 00:03:53,813 --> 00:03:55,896 Claire, why do 195 00:03:53,813 --> 00:03:55,896 you have that number? 196 00:03:55,896 --> 00:03:57,771 Are you in a pageant? 197 00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,813 She's running a 10K. 198 00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,813 And she is going to do great. 199 00:04:00,813 --> 00:04:05,688 I know that you're 200 00:04:00,813 --> 00:04:05,688 gonna make us oh-so proud! 201 00:04:05,688 --> 00:04:07,438 Obviously, this was meant 202 00:04:05,688 --> 00:04:07,438 to be a group hug, 203 00:04:07,438 --> 00:04:09,230 and my invitation 204 00:04:07,438 --> 00:04:09,230 got lost in the mail. 205 00:04:07,438 --> 00:04:09,230 Mm. 206 00:04:09,230 --> 00:04:10,230 Phil... 207 00:04:10,230 --> 00:04:11,896 that crazy phone booth 208 00:04:11,896 --> 00:04:13,563 that you ordered 209 00:04:11,896 --> 00:04:13,563 for your magic trick ... 210 00:04:13,563 --> 00:04:15,021 It's already at my house. 211 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:16,855 It's here two days early? 212 00:04:16,855 --> 00:04:18,855 I can shoot 213 00:04:16,855 --> 00:04:18,855 my how-to video today! 214 00:04:18,855 --> 00:04:21,646 Haley! Showtime! 215 00:04:21,646 --> 00:04:23,313 It goes without saying 216 00:04:21,646 --> 00:04:23,313 that the greatest trick 217 00:04:23,313 --> 00:04:25,646 to come out of World War II 218 00:04:23,313 --> 00:04:25,646 is the Normandy Phone Booth. 219 00:04:25,646 --> 00:04:29,563 Over the years, its reputation 220 00:04:25,646 --> 00:04:29,563 has ebbed and flowed. 221 00:04:29,563 --> 00:04:30,771 It was famously booed 222 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,980 at the 1969 223 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,980 Narragansett Magic Festival. 224 00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:34,521 Of course, this is a time 225 00:04:34,521 --> 00:04:36,813 when most people 226 00:04:34,521 --> 00:04:36,813 are into protest magic. 227 00:04:36,813 --> 00:04:40,605 So naturally, they would thumb 228 00:04:36,813 --> 00:04:40,605 their nose at a classic trick 229 00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:44,271 where a heroic soldier 230 00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:44,271 dashes into a phone booth 231 00:04:44,271 --> 00:04:46,438 to make a world-saving call 232 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,646 while it slowly 233 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,646 fills with water! 234 00:04:48,646 --> 00:04:51,021 Come on, hippies! 235 00:04:51,021 --> 00:04:54,105 God! 236 00:04:54,105 --> 00:04:55,938 All right, buddy. 237 00:04:54,105 --> 00:04:55,938 Run outside and play real quick. 238 00:04:55,938 --> 00:04:57,396 I'm gonna take care 239 00:04:55,938 --> 00:04:57,396 of something upstairs. 240 00:04:57,396 --> 00:04:59,396 I had to update my profile pic 241 00:04:59,396 --> 00:05:01,730 on this new social-media app 242 00:04:59,396 --> 00:05:01,730 called Inseam. 243 00:05:01,730 --> 00:05:04,605 It's super cool. 244 00:05:01,730 --> 00:05:04,605 No one knows about it. 245 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,021 Some old guys were using it 246 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,021 for home tailoring, 247 00:05:07,021 --> 00:05:08,480 but then two Brooklyn deejays 248 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,813 started sharing a couple 249 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,813 of videos on it, and it blew up. 250 00:05:10,813 --> 00:05:12,146 Not approachable. 251 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:13,313 Too approachable. 252 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,313 There's my guy. 253 00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:18,063 What's up? 254 00:05:18,063 --> 00:05:19,438 Dude, I was 255 00:05:18,063 --> 00:05:19,438 just about to leave, 256 00:05:19,438 --> 00:05:21,063 and I saw your new pic 257 00:05:19,438 --> 00:05:21,063 popped up on Inseam. 258 00:05:21,063 --> 00:05:22,271 You're on Inseam? 259 00:05:22,271 --> 00:05:23,688 Yes, I've been on it 260 00:05:22,271 --> 00:05:23,688 for a week. 261 00:05:23,688 --> 00:05:26,021 Okay, look at your picture. 262 00:05:23,688 --> 00:05:26,021 Joe is in a tree behind you. 263 00:05:27,063 --> 00:05:28,063 Whoa! 264 00:05:28,063 --> 00:05:30,271 Aah! Aah. 265 00:05:30,271 --> 00:05:31,563 Oh, my God, 266 00:05:30,271 --> 00:05:31,563 he's right there! 267 00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:32,688 Hang on, Joe! 268 00:05:32,688 --> 00:05:33,563 Hello? 269 00:05:33,563 --> 00:05:34,896 What's going on with Joe? 270 00:05:34,896 --> 00:05:35,938 You're on Inseam? 271 00:05:35,938 --> 00:05:37,105 Of course I'm on Inseam. 272 00:05:37,105 --> 00:05:39,105 Is my son 273 00:05:37,105 --> 00:05:39,105 hanging from a tree? 274 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,480 Oh, that's great! 275 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,480 You fell for it. 276 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,896 I'm, uh ... I'm getting 277 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,896 pretty good at Photoshop. 278 00:05:42,896 --> 00:05:44,605 That's a fake picture? 279 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,896 Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe 280 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,896 doing dangerous stuff. 281 00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,938 You're gonna have to show me 282 00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,938 this later, okay? 283 00:05:48,938 --> 00:05:50,730 Will do. 284 00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,563 - Well, thanks to you, 285 00:05:52,563 --> 00:05:54,396 now I'm all sweaty, 286 00:05:52,563 --> 00:05:54,396 and it's gonna be impossible 287 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,521 to judge the silk shirts. 288 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,355 They're supposed to blouse, 289 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,355 not cling. 290 00:05:57,355 --> 00:05:58,896 Hey, can I see that card 291 00:05:57,355 --> 00:05:58,896 for a second? 292 00:05:58,896 --> 00:06:01,521 What are you doing? 293 00:05:58,896 --> 00:06:01,521 I'll put this card 294 00:05:58,896 --> 00:06:01,521 back in your hand 295 00:06:01,521 --> 00:06:04,146 when you Photoshop that kid's 296 00:06:01,521 --> 00:06:04,146 head in an alligator's mouth. 297 00:06:05,771 --> 00:06:07,813 Upper Valley on the 2-yard line 298 00:06:07,813 --> 00:06:09,230 with 10 seconds to go. 299 00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:10,896 A touchdown will win the game. 300 00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:13,021 Okay, timeout! 301 00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:13,021 Timeout! 302 00:06:13,021 --> 00:06:14,938 Let's go, Dolphins! 303 00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:16,563 Coach, what is 304 00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:16,563 our defense? 305 00:06:16,563 --> 00:06:18,313 Okay, you know what? 306 00:06:16,563 --> 00:06:18,313 It's a running situation, 307 00:06:18,313 --> 00:06:20,063 but they've been killing us 308 00:06:18,313 --> 00:06:20,063 with that pass all day. 309 00:06:20,063 --> 00:06:21,730 My gut tells me they're 310 00:06:20,063 --> 00:06:21,730 gonna pass, but 311 00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:22,646 Okay, just let me think 312 00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:22,646 about it. 313 00:06:22,646 --> 00:06:24,396 Move. Move! 314 00:06:24,396 --> 00:06:26,188 Those dumb bastards 315 00:06:26,188 --> 00:06:29,646 are going to be thinking pass, 316 00:06:26,188 --> 00:06:29,646 which is why we're going to run. 317 00:06:29,646 --> 00:06:31,271 Trap Two, on the left side. 318 00:06:31,271 --> 00:06:32,646 My vice principal walkie-talkie 319 00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:33,896 accidentally picked up 320 00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:33,896 that Upper Valley coach 321 00:06:33,896 --> 00:06:35,355 calling her dumb lady play. 322 00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:38,230 Now, was I gonna change 323 00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:38,230 my defense? 324 00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:41,855 Only some spineless 325 00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:41,855 win-at-all-costs glory hound 326 00:06:41,855 --> 00:06:45,771 would choose winning 327 00:06:41,855 --> 00:06:45,771 over showing some moral fiber. 328 00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:47,438 Dolphins win! 329 00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:47,438 Dolphins win! 330 00:06:47,438 --> 00:06:48,813 Yes! 331 00:06:52,521 --> 00:06:54,438 Everybody in that stadium, 332 00:06:52,521 --> 00:06:54,438 including me... 333 00:06:54,438 --> 00:06:55,980 Well... 334 00:06:54,438 --> 00:06:55,980 was expecting a pass. 335 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,646 But your instincts 336 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,646 told you something else. 337 00:06:57,646 --> 00:07:00,771 That's big-time, my friend. 338 00:06:57,646 --> 00:07:00,771 Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay. 339 00:07:00,771 --> 00:07:01,855 Uh, thank you. 340 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:02,855 Mitchell! 341 00:07:04,688 --> 00:07:06,021 I'm a fraud. 342 00:07:06,021 --> 00:07:07,188 Well, then stop telling 343 00:07:06,021 --> 00:07:07,188 that barista 344 00:07:07,188 --> 00:07:09,188 that you understudied Javert 345 00:07:07,188 --> 00:07:09,188 on Broadway. 346 00:07:09,188 --> 00:07:11,230 He knows your name. 347 00:07:09,188 --> 00:07:11,230 He can look it up. 348 00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:12,230 No, I overheard 349 00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:12,230 the lady coach 350 00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:13,563 call her play 351 00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:13,563 on my walkie-talkie, 352 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,480 and I changed my defense 353 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,480 to win the game. 354 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,688 And now I'm having anxiety, 355 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,688 and I have to confess. 356 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,438 No, you ... you are 357 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,438 not gonna confess. 358 00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:21,521 You're gonna smush 359 00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:21,521 that anxiety into a little ball, 360 00:07:21,521 --> 00:07:23,355 and you're gonna push it 361 00:07:21,521 --> 00:07:23,355 into that little, tiny hole 362 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:25,021 in your soul 363 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:25,021 where childhood traumas go. 364 00:07:25,021 --> 00:07:27,105 Everybody here is a winner. 365 00:07:27,105 --> 00:07:29,480 I-If you end up being 366 00:07:27,105 --> 00:07:29,480 the one loser at the table, 367 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,313 I'm gonna get nothing 368 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,313 but condescending pity 369 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,313 from everybody. 370 00:07:32,313 --> 00:07:35,438 Especially Claire, 371 00:07:32,313 --> 00:07:35,438 that insufferable phony. 372 00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:37,105 Mm. 373 00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:37,105 Hey, so pretty! 374 00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:43,855 - Luke! 375 00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:43,855 - Oh, hey, Gloria. 376 00:07:43,855 --> 00:07:45,355 Sure love those bangs. 377 00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:46,688 What's the story 378 00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:46,688 with those? 379 00:07:46,688 --> 00:07:48,396 I know 380 00:07:46,688 --> 00:07:48,396 you have been avoiding me 381 00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:50,355 because there are 382 00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:50,355 no Photoshopped pictures 383 00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:52,313 of Joe in danger. 384 00:07:52,313 --> 00:07:53,896 And the the answer to your 385 00:07:52,313 --> 00:07:53,896 question is very simple ... 386 00:07:53,896 --> 00:07:55,063 They frame my face. 387 00:07:55,063 --> 00:07:56,896 Oh, those pictures. 388 00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,980 Here we are. 389 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:05,605 Ah. 390 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:05,605 Joe poking a bees' nest. 391 00:08:05,605 --> 00:08:07,105 Mm-hmm. 392 00:08:07,105 --> 00:08:10,646 Oh, and Joe killing 393 00:08:07,105 --> 00:08:10,646 Lee Harvey Oswald. 394 00:08:10,646 --> 00:08:12,521 So cute. 395 00:08:12,521 --> 00:08:15,688 Jay, Luke is a genius. 396 00:08:16,146 --> 00:08:17,188 Thanks, buddy. 397 00:08:17,188 --> 00:08:18,688 You can go do 398 00:08:17,188 --> 00:08:18,688 your fancy shopping now. 399 00:08:18,688 --> 00:08:20,855 Awesome. To make up 400 00:08:18,688 --> 00:08:20,855 for the time I lost, 401 00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:23,521 I'm gonna baby oil my heels 402 00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:23,521 so I can try on shoes faster. 403 00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,396 Phil, did you see this Photoshop 404 00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,396 stuff that Luke did? 405 00:08:26,396 --> 00:08:27,896 He's a real magician. 406 00:08:27,896 --> 00:08:29,271 I guess 407 00:08:27,896 --> 00:08:29,271 he came by it honestly. 408 00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:32,896 That means the world 409 00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:32,896 to me, Jay. 410 00:08:32,896 --> 00:08:34,355 I'm living a lie. 411 00:08:34,355 --> 00:08:36,355 Claire, everyone 412 00:08:34,355 --> 00:08:36,355 in this family's a winner 413 00:08:36,355 --> 00:08:37,480 except for me. 414 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,771 Abraka-failure. 415 00:08:39,771 --> 00:08:41,938 Ready to fill 416 00:08:39,771 --> 00:08:41,938 this thing up? 417 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,396 Um, yeah. 418 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,396 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 419 00:08:44,396 --> 00:08:45,396 The ... The whole reason 420 00:08:44,396 --> 00:08:45,396 we're here 421 00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,813 is to use the pool water, 422 00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,813 which is recyclable. 423 00:08:47,813 --> 00:08:49,730 I'm sort of a hero in 424 00:08:47,813 --> 00:08:49,730 the sustainable magic movement. 425 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,730 I'd hate to lose 426 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,730 my three green rabbits rating. 427 00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:53,105 Okay. 428 00:08:53,105 --> 00:08:54,313 Should we start filming? 429 00:08:54,313 --> 00:08:56,313 For sure. 430 00:08:54,313 --> 00:08:56,313 Yeah. For sure. 431 00:08:56,313 --> 00:08:59,021 I-I-I think I'll ... 432 00:08:56,313 --> 00:08:59,021 I'll probably just 433 00:08:56,313 --> 00:08:59,021 take a quick minute. 434 00:08:59,021 --> 00:09:01,021 As a young man, 435 00:08:59,021 --> 00:09:01,021 I had no fear of any trick 436 00:09:01,021 --> 00:09:02,771 where I was jammed 437 00:09:01,021 --> 00:09:02,771 into tight spaces ... 438 00:09:02,771 --> 00:09:05,771 Fox in a Box, The Wrong 439 00:09:02,771 --> 00:09:05,771 Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath. 440 00:09:05,771 --> 00:09:09,146 Lately, though, I have had 441 00:09:05,771 --> 00:09:09,146 a touch of claustrophobia, 442 00:09:09,146 --> 00:09:10,688 which is usually cleared up 443 00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,396 by a quick call 444 00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,396 to my super-supportive wife. 445 00:09:13,396 --> 00:09:15,063 Oh, you finally picked up. 446 00:09:15,063 --> 00:09:16,646 No, no, it's not an emergency. 447 00:09:16,646 --> 00:09:19,021 I just ... Hello? Claire? 448 00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:20,646 Just give me the word, Dad. 449 00:09:20,646 --> 00:09:22,605 Oh. Yep. Uh... 450 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,146 Let's... 451 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,230 Let's do this. 452 00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:26,896 Great. Ready? 453 00:09:26,896 --> 00:09:28,771 Yeah. 454 00:09:26,896 --> 00:09:28,771 And... action. 455 00:09:28,771 --> 00:09:31,021 Hello, and congratulations 456 00:09:28,771 --> 00:09:31,021 on your purchase 457 00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:32,146 of the Normandy 458 00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:32,146 Phone Booth. 459 00:09:32,146 --> 00:09:33,730 The following 460 00:09:32,146 --> 00:09:33,730 will demonstrate 461 00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:37,021 just how much fun 462 00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:37,021 you've... dialed up. 463 00:09:42,355 --> 00:09:44,646 Here we are on D-Day. 464 00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:46,480 Where's 465 00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:46,480 the damned air support? 466 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,855 Oh, good. 467 00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,396 A p... phone booth. 468 00:09:51,396 --> 00:09:53,563 I hear the Nazis 469 00:09:51,396 --> 00:09:53,563 have booby-trapped these, 470 00:09:53,563 --> 00:09:55,271 but I will... 471 00:09:55,271 --> 00:09:57,313 I definitely will take 472 00:09:55,271 --> 00:09:57,313 the risk 473 00:09:57,313 --> 00:09:59,021 of calling Allied Command. 474 00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:06,146 Hello, General. 475 00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:09,605 Yes, the enemy 476 00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:09,605 is all around us. 477 00:10:09,605 --> 00:10:13,063 Blast! 478 00:10:13,063 --> 00:10:15,146 This is one 479 00:10:13,063 --> 00:10:15,146 of the phone booths 480 00:10:15,146 --> 00:10:16,438 that's booby-trapped. 481 00:10:16,438 --> 00:10:17,855 Oh, no! 482 00:10:17,855 --> 00:10:21,021 Yes, General, 483 00:10:17,855 --> 00:10:21,021 the enemy is closing in! 484 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:23,105 There's no esca... 485 00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:24,688 Haley! 486 00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:24,688 Get me out of here! 487 00:10:24,688 --> 00:10:26,396 Who's Haley? 488 00:10:24,688 --> 00:10:26,396 I'm Nurse Rutherford. 489 00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:30,188 If I can't do this trick, 490 00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:30,188 my magic shop 491 00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:32,313 is gonna be the laughingstock 492 00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:32,313 of the mini-mall. 493 00:10:32,313 --> 00:10:34,105 And there's still 494 00:10:32,313 --> 00:10:34,105 a Blockbuster there. 495 00:10:34,105 --> 00:10:36,105 Honey, I know you're 496 00:10:34,105 --> 00:10:36,105 going through something, 497 00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:37,605 but you need to keep it 498 00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:37,605 to yourself, 499 00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:40,355 because we will not be 500 00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:40,355 the loser family this year. 501 00:10:40,355 --> 00:10:41,646 Claire. 502 00:10:40,355 --> 00:10:41,646 Yeah? 503 00:10:41,646 --> 00:10:42,855 I had a genius idea. 504 00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:44,938 Your race went right 505 00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:44,938 by Pritchett's Closets. 506 00:10:44,938 --> 00:10:46,521 Uh-huh. 507 00:10:44,938 --> 00:10:46,521 Pull the security tape. 508 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,646 We'll blow up a frame of you 509 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,646 in the lead and run a big ad ... 510 00:10:48,646 --> 00:10:51,730 "Pritchett's. Leading 511 00:10:48,646 --> 00:10:51,730 the Pack for 30 Years." 512 00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:53,730 Genius! 513 00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:53,730 - I love it, Dad! Yes! 514 00:10:53,730 --> 00:10:54,855 I am on that! 515 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,480 Wow. 516 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,813 We have problem. 517 00:10:57,813 --> 00:10:58,980 I had a problem. 518 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,480 H-H... Hello? 519 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,938 Hel... 520 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,938 Damn it. 521 00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:06,563 Phil, this better be 522 00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:06,563 an emergency. 523 00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:08,355 Oh, you finally picked up. 524 00:11:08,355 --> 00:11:09,938 No, no, it's not an emergency. 525 00:11:08,355 --> 00:11:09,938 I just ... 526 00:11:09,938 --> 00:11:12,813 I'm running a race, and you 527 00:11:09,938 --> 00:11:12,813 just screwed up my playlist! 528 00:11:17,771 --> 00:11:19,105 From that point on, 529 00:11:19,105 --> 00:11:21,063 I was no longer 530 00:11:19,105 --> 00:11:21,063 on the actual race course. 531 00:11:21,063 --> 00:11:24,063 Thank you! 532 00:11:25,188 --> 00:11:27,730 Thanks. 533 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:31,688 I guess I hit a point where 534 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:31,688 I funneled back onto the course. 535 00:11:31,688 --> 00:11:34,021 I did notice that 536 00:11:31,688 --> 00:11:34,021 I seemed to have more energy 537 00:11:34,021 --> 00:11:35,521 than the few people 538 00:11:34,021 --> 00:11:35,521 in front of me, 539 00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:38,646 but I didn't ... 540 00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:38,646 I didn't think much of it. 541 00:11:40,938 --> 00:11:43,521 I did it! 542 00:11:40,938 --> 00:11:43,521 I won! I won! 543 00:11:43,521 --> 00:11:44,730 Did you see that, honey? 544 00:11:43,521 --> 00:11:44,730 I won! 545 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:46,313 Uh, no, you didn't. 546 00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:48,063 I was standing at the 5K mark 547 00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:48,063 and never saw you. 548 00:11:48,063 --> 00:11:49,896 What? 549 00:11:48,063 --> 00:11:49,896 Claire! 550 00:11:49,896 --> 00:11:52,063 I was at the store, 551 00:11:49,896 --> 00:11:52,063 and I saw you win! 552 00:11:52,063 --> 00:11:54,105 - Oh, honey! 553 00:11:52,063 --> 00:11:54,105 - Oh! 554 00:11:54,105 --> 00:11:55,771 - Oh. 555 00:11:54,105 --> 00:11:55,771 - I know her! 556 00:11:55,771 --> 00:11:57,938 She's my stepdaughter! 557 00:11:57,938 --> 00:11:59,188 There's not gonna be 558 00:11:57,938 --> 00:11:59,188 any footage 559 00:11:59,188 --> 00:12:00,396 of you running past 560 00:11:59,188 --> 00:12:00,396 Pritchett's Closets 561 00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,730 because you cut two miles 562 00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,730 out of a six-mile race. 563 00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,605 Better tell Grandpa 564 00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,605 you didn't win. 565 00:12:04,605 --> 00:12:07,105 Oh, you are 566 00:12:04,605 --> 00:12:07,105 my moral compass. 567 00:12:07,105 --> 00:12:08,271 Which is why I don't want 568 00:12:07,105 --> 00:12:08,271 to talk to you 569 00:12:08,271 --> 00:12:09,271 for the rest of the day. 570 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:10,396 Luke! 571 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,021 I need a favor, 572 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,021 no questions asked. 573 00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,521 What do you need? 574 00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,521 Phone cards? 575 00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:16,396 No. I need you to Photoshop 576 00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:16,396 a picture of me from today 577 00:12:16,396 --> 00:12:18,480 running in front 578 00:12:16,396 --> 00:12:18,480 of Pritchett's Closets. 579 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,355 No problem. 580 00:12:20,355 --> 00:12:23,230 No problem. 581 00:12:20,355 --> 00:12:23,230 I ... 582 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:26,730 I want to grab a picture 583 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:26,730 of you and Claire. 584 00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:28,563 I want to post it 585 00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:28,563 on my Inseam account. 586 00:12:28,563 --> 00:12:29,646 Oh, what's Inseam? 587 00:12:29,646 --> 00:12:31,021 I use it for home tailoring. 588 00:12:29,646 --> 00:12:31,021 Oh. 589 00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,146 Claire. 590 00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,146 Yeah? 591 00:12:32,146 --> 00:12:33,230 Could you get in here, 592 00:12:32,146 --> 00:12:33,230 please? 593 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:36,355 My two superstars. 594 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:36,355 Okay! 595 00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:39,021 Can't believe you won 596 00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:39,021 with that bad knee. 597 00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:41,230 Well, at least if somebody 598 00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:41,230 tries to steal that thing, 599 00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:42,355 they got to get 600 00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:42,355 through this guy. 601 00:12:42,355 --> 00:12:44,980 I just did 602 00:12:42,355 --> 00:12:44,980 what any hero would do. 603 00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,563 It's 604 00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,563 Are you wearing makeup? 605 00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,521 Uh, well, yeah. 606 00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,521 I got a bruise. 607 00:12:48,521 --> 00:12:50,938 I thought ... I thought 608 00:12:48,521 --> 00:12:50,938 you screamed and he ran away? 609 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,271 Uh, well, there was a ... 610 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,271 There was a scuffle. 611 00:12:53,271 --> 00:12:54,688 You went 612 00:12:53,271 --> 00:12:54,688 with your instinct. 613 00:12:54,688 --> 00:12:56,271 Fight or flight. 614 00:12:54,688 --> 00:12:56,271 You fought. 615 00:12:56,271 --> 00:12:58,355 I'm gonna post this 616 00:12:56,271 --> 00:12:58,355 on Inseam. 617 00:12:58,355 --> 00:12:59,521 Double-click. 618 00:12:59,521 --> 00:13:00,771 There! 619 00:13:00,771 --> 00:13:02,146 You fought. 620 00:13:02,146 --> 00:13:03,855 Mm-hmm. 621 00:13:02,146 --> 00:13:03,855 You fought? 622 00:13:03,855 --> 00:13:05,688 Uh-huh. How close did you 623 00:13:03,855 --> 00:13:05,688 get to this "intruder"? 624 00:13:05,688 --> 00:13:07,480 Okay, Claire. 625 00:13:05,688 --> 00:13:07,480 That is just about enough. 626 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:08,771 Mitchell 627 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:08,771 suffered a trauma, 628 00:13:08,771 --> 00:13:11,021 and I don't appreciate 629 00:13:08,771 --> 00:13:11,021 your mocking tone. 630 00:13:11,021 --> 00:13:13,563 Excuse us. 631 00:13:11,021 --> 00:13:13,563 Okay? 632 00:13:13,563 --> 00:13:15,105 Thank you, sweetie. 633 00:13:15,105 --> 00:13:16,938 Okay, look, we both know 634 00:13:15,105 --> 00:13:16,938 two things for certain ... 635 00:13:16,938 --> 00:13:18,105 I look fabulous in coral, 636 00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,480 and you didn't fight off 637 00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,480 any intruder. 638 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,105 There ... There is a backstory. 639 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,855 In the summer of 1984, 640 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,855 inspired by "The Karate Kid," 641 00:13:24,855 --> 00:13:27,146 I went through 642 00:13:24,855 --> 00:13:27,146 a martial arts phase. 643 00:13:27,146 --> 00:13:29,021 When Cam brought 644 00:13:27,146 --> 00:13:29,021 those nunchucks home, 645 00:13:29,021 --> 00:13:31,146 it was just too much to resist. 646 00:13:31,146 --> 00:13:33,396 Hello, old friend. 647 00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:36,230 30 years later, once again, 648 00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:38,896 it was time to sweep the leg. 649 00:13:44,730 --> 00:13:46,646 Oh! Oh. 650 00:13:46,646 --> 00:13:48,188 Oh, God. 651 00:13:46,646 --> 00:13:48,188 Oh, no! 652 00:13:55,688 --> 00:13:57,730 Why didn't you just tell me? 653 00:13:55,688 --> 00:13:57,730 I don't know. 654 00:13:57,730 --> 00:13:59,563 You ... You walked in, and you 655 00:13:57,730 --> 00:13:59,563 asked if there was a break-in, 656 00:13:59,563 --> 00:14:02,646 and I-I was embarrassed 657 00:13:59,563 --> 00:14:02,646 and possibly concussed, 658 00:14:02,646 --> 00:14:04,313 so I just ... 659 00:14:02,646 --> 00:14:04,313 I went with it. 660 00:14:04,313 --> 00:14:06,521 Besides, my dad and Claire 661 00:14:04,313 --> 00:14:06,521 cannot know, okay? 662 00:14:06,521 --> 00:14:09,480 That whole "Karate Kid" summer, 663 00:14:06,521 --> 00:14:09,480 they called me "Kung Sue." 664 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,646 Oh. 665 00:14:10,646 --> 00:14:14,230 Turkey is gonna be ready 666 00:14:10,646 --> 00:14:14,230 in 10 minutes! 667 00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:15,813 Where is Phil? 668 00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:15,813 I'll let him know. 669 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,646 Okay. 670 00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:20,480 10 minutes. 671 00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:20,480 I can't take it! 672 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,563 Just breathe, Dad. 673 00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:22,896 We are breaking 674 00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:22,896 this fear of yours. 675 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,438 I'm dying here! 676 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,438 Hey, hey, hey! 677 00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:25,563 Look at me. 678 00:14:25,563 --> 00:14:26,896 Do you want to spend 679 00:14:25,563 --> 00:14:26,896 the rest of your life 680 00:14:26,896 --> 00:14:28,813 as an open-space magician? 681 00:14:30,396 --> 00:14:32,605 Yeah. 682 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:37,146 Jay, I saw on Inseam that 683 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:37,146 there was a Thanksgiving pageant 684 00:14:37,146 --> 00:14:38,730 at Joe's school. 685 00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:40,271 Why didn't you tell me? 686 00:14:40,271 --> 00:14:43,188 I totally forgot. 687 00:14:43,188 --> 00:14:45,855 Joe hasn't been in school 688 00:14:43,188 --> 00:14:45,855 for a week. 689 00:14:45,855 --> 00:14:47,730 I had a falling-out 690 00:14:45,855 --> 00:14:47,730 with his teacher. 691 00:14:47,730 --> 00:14:50,605 And got sent 692 00:14:47,730 --> 00:14:50,605 to the principal's office. 693 00:14:50,605 --> 00:14:52,646 You said some pretty harsh 694 00:14:50,605 --> 00:14:52,646 things to Mrs. Barrish. 695 00:14:52,646 --> 00:14:56,563 In my defense, um, 696 00:14:52,646 --> 00:14:56,563 this banquet she's planning 697 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,605 is not historically accurate. 698 00:14:58,605 --> 00:15:02,063 For example, I don't remember 699 00:14:58,605 --> 00:15:02,063 a tandoori chicken option 700 00:15:02,063 --> 00:15:03,605 at the first Thanksgiving. 701 00:15:03,605 --> 00:15:05,771 We have children here 702 00:15:03,605 --> 00:15:05,771 from many ethnicities, 703 00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,605 and we try to make them all 704 00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,605 feel included. 705 00:15:07,605 --> 00:15:11,605 Be that as it may, history 706 00:15:07,605 --> 00:15:11,605 does not record Pocahontas 707 00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:14,938 asking John Smith 708 00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:14,938 to pass the sashimi roll 709 00:15:14,938 --> 00:15:17,271 while Myles Standish 710 00:15:14,938 --> 00:15:17,271 helps himself 711 00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:20,438 to gluten-free 712 00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:20,438 huevos rancheros! 713 00:15:20,438 --> 00:15:22,605 After that, it got heated, 714 00:15:20,438 --> 00:15:22,605 and we got expelled. 715 00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:24,730 "We"? 716 00:15:24,730 --> 00:15:26,230 But they'll call. 717 00:15:26,230 --> 00:15:27,646 They need my check. 718 00:15:27,646 --> 00:15:29,521 Why didn't the school 719 00:15:27,646 --> 00:15:29,521 tell me anything? 720 00:15:29,521 --> 00:15:31,688 It's like I am 721 00:15:29,521 --> 00:15:31,688 off their e-mail list. 722 00:15:31,688 --> 00:15:33,063 Huh. 723 00:15:33,063 --> 00:15:34,938 I didn't even see 724 00:15:33,063 --> 00:15:34,938 the costumes. 725 00:15:34,938 --> 00:15:36,396 Well, he didn't have 726 00:15:34,938 --> 00:15:36,396 a costume. 727 00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:39,063 No, he was the narrator. 728 00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:39,063 Kid told the whole story. 729 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,313 Ay, papí. 730 00:15:41,313 --> 00:15:43,480 You must have been 731 00:15:41,313 --> 00:15:43,480 so cute. 732 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,313 Why don't you perform it 733 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,313 for everybody at dinner? 734 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,980 I'll go get my phone, 735 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,980 and we'll film it. 736 00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:50,646 Okay? 737 00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:50,646 Yes. 738 00:15:52,188 --> 00:15:56,230 I gotta get you up to speed 739 00:15:52,188 --> 00:15:56,230 in a hurry, buddy. 740 00:15:56,230 --> 00:15:58,730 The story of Thanksgiving. 741 00:15:56,230 --> 00:15:58,730 Here goes. 742 00:15:58,730 --> 00:16:00,355 It's no use! 743 00:16:00,355 --> 00:16:01,396 I can't do it! 744 00:16:01,396 --> 00:16:03,021 Aaahh! 745 00:16:06,896 --> 00:16:09,688 99,999... 100,000! 746 00:16:09,688 --> 00:16:11,563 Sonuvabitch, she did it! 747 00:16:13,188 --> 00:16:14,396 See that, people? 748 00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:16,605 Another person doing 749 00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:16,605 their best, thanks to me. 750 00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:18,521 It's time to eat. 751 00:16:18,521 --> 00:16:19,896 Hey, Google, 752 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,063 how much time left 753 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,063 on the turkey? 754 00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:23,355 Two minutes. 755 00:16:23,355 --> 00:16:25,938 See? I can control 756 00:16:23,355 --> 00:16:25,938 that crazy doughnut, 757 00:16:25,938 --> 00:16:26,771 I can do the steps. 758 00:16:26,771 --> 00:16:28,438 I have two achievements, 759 00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:30,271 and the rest 760 00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:30,271 have only one. 761 00:16:30,271 --> 00:16:31,396 So, Grandpa 762 00:16:30,271 --> 00:16:31,396 really motivated you 763 00:16:31,396 --> 00:16:33,105 by telling you you couldn't 764 00:16:31,396 --> 00:16:33,105 do something, huh? 765 00:16:33,105 --> 00:16:34,355 I need to see 766 00:16:33,105 --> 00:16:34,355 that My StepCounter 767 00:16:34,355 --> 00:16:36,313 for a paper I'm writing. 768 00:16:36,313 --> 00:16:38,563 Everybody achieved 769 00:16:36,313 --> 00:16:38,563 something today, 770 00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,605 so now it's Joe's turn. 771 00:16:40,605 --> 00:16:41,813 Joe... 772 00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:44,230 tell us about 773 00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:44,230 the first Thanksgiving. 774 00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,438 Oh! 775 00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,438 - Come up here, buddy. 776 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,771 You got this. 777 00:16:46,771 --> 00:16:50,271 There was once a land 778 00:16:46,771 --> 00:16:50,271 of godless natives. 779 00:16:50,271 --> 00:16:51,938 They did not know 780 00:16:50,271 --> 00:16:51,938 any better 781 00:16:51,938 --> 00:16:53,980 until, one day, 782 00:16:51,938 --> 00:16:53,980 the white man arrived. 783 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,563 What is this? 784 00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:57,938 The white man took pity 785 00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:57,938 on these primitives 786 00:16:57,938 --> 00:17:00,521 by teaching them 787 00:16:57,938 --> 00:17:00,521 to cultivate the land. 788 00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:03,980 But their kindness 789 00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:03,980 was mistaken for aggression, 790 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:07,146 and a war began. 791 00:17:07,146 --> 00:17:08,813 What kind of school 792 00:17:07,146 --> 00:17:08,813 is this? 793 00:17:08,813 --> 00:17:10,730 This is 794 00:17:08,813 --> 00:17:10,730 what I was taught. 795 00:17:08,813 --> 00:17:10,730 What? 796 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,396 Eventually, 797 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,396 peace was restored, 798 00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:18,313 and we bestowed them with 799 00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:18,313 our nation's highest honor ... 800 00:17:18,313 --> 00:17:19,980 naming football teams 801 00:17:18,313 --> 00:17:19,980 for them. 802 00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:22,105 Joe, what play is this? 803 00:17:22,105 --> 00:17:24,855 I wasn't in a play! 804 00:17:22,105 --> 00:17:24,855 I don't go to school anymore! 805 00:17:28,105 --> 00:17:29,980 All right, fine. 806 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,646 We got kicked out, okay? 807 00:17:31,646 --> 00:17:32,980 Little argument 808 00:17:31,646 --> 00:17:32,980 with the principal. 809 00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:34,813 You've been lying to me 810 00:17:34,813 --> 00:17:38,438 while I was celebrating you 811 00:17:34,813 --> 00:17:38,438 as an amazing father? 812 00:17:34,813 --> 00:17:38,438 Oh, my... 813 00:17:38,438 --> 00:17:40,105 Hey, Gloria, 814 00:17:38,438 --> 00:17:40,105 this is weird. 815 00:17:40,105 --> 00:17:42,063 You know, I downloaded 816 00:17:40,105 --> 00:17:42,063 your My StepCounter data 817 00:17:42,063 --> 00:17:43,355 onto my computer, 818 00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:44,938 and it's showing your path 819 00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:44,938 this morning 820 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,355 was the same route 821 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,355 my mom took in her race. 822 00:17:46,355 --> 00:17:48,313 Hmm? 823 00:17:48,313 --> 00:17:51,313 I was never going to get 824 00:17:48,313 --> 00:17:51,313 100,000 steps. 825 00:17:51,313 --> 00:17:54,480 But then I learned that Claire 826 00:17:51,313 --> 00:17:54,480 was going on a Turkey Trot. 827 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,021 The second time I hugged her, 828 00:17:56,021 --> 00:17:58,563 it was a little harder 829 00:17:56,021 --> 00:17:58,563 because she was really wet. 830 00:17:58,563 --> 00:18:01,438 So I'm basically just 831 00:17:58,563 --> 00:18:01,438 your StepCounter mule? 832 00:18:01,438 --> 00:18:03,063 I thought 833 00:18:01,438 --> 00:18:03,063 you cared about my race. 834 00:18:03,063 --> 00:18:04,480 I love you very much, 835 00:18:03,063 --> 00:18:04,480 Claire, 836 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,730 but your exercise 837 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,730 doesn't really interest me. 838 00:18:07,730 --> 00:18:10,646 Hang on. When did Claire 839 00:18:07,730 --> 00:18:10,646 run past Pritchett's Closets? 840 00:18:10,646 --> 00:18:13,188 'Cause this thing says 841 00:18:10,646 --> 00:18:13,188 she never got near it. 842 00:18:13,188 --> 00:18:15,480 Well, it's probably 843 00:18:13,188 --> 00:18:15,480 the StepCounter made a mistake. 844 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,188 Oh, yeah, did it? 845 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,188 Or ... Or ... 846 00:18:17,188 --> 00:18:18,730 Or did you take 847 00:18:17,188 --> 00:18:18,730 a little shortcut? 848 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:19,938 No, I was 849 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:19,938 probably going so fast 850 00:18:19,938 --> 00:18:21,105 it couldn't even keep up 851 00:18:19,938 --> 00:18:21,105 with me. 852 00:18:21,105 --> 00:18:23,396 I have a picture of it. 853 00:18:21,105 --> 00:18:23,396 Let me see. 854 00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:25,188 Luke? 855 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,688 And there you go. 856 00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:29,313 That is me clearly running 857 00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:29,313 in front of Pritchett's Closets. 858 00:18:29,313 --> 00:18:31,730 Oh, yeah, yeah. 859 00:18:29,313 --> 00:18:31,730 With a Reagan/Bush poster 860 00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:32,646 in the window, huh? 861 00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:35,021 The photo is a fake. 862 00:18:35,021 --> 00:18:36,730 It's not my fault. 863 00:18:35,021 --> 00:18:36,730 Manny made it. 864 00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:38,896 Manny was Photoshopping 865 00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:38,896 everything? 866 00:18:38,896 --> 00:18:41,146 So Joe was in real danger? 867 00:18:41,146 --> 00:18:42,855 I did not realize 868 00:18:41,146 --> 00:18:42,855 how easy it would be 869 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,021 for you 870 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,021 to connect those dots. 871 00:18:44,021 --> 00:18:45,563 Pretty disappointed 872 00:18:44,021 --> 00:18:45,563 in you, Luke. 873 00:18:45,563 --> 00:18:47,438 Well, you know, it's easy to 874 00:18:45,563 --> 00:18:47,438 see where he learned it from. 875 00:18:47,438 --> 00:18:49,438 His mother's a cheater! 876 00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:52,271 What? Oh, don't get 877 00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:52,271 so hot and bothered. 878 00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:52,271 Uh-huh! Mm. 879 00:18:52,271 --> 00:18:54,063 Your makeup's already running, 880 00:18:52,271 --> 00:18:54,063 and what do ... 881 00:18:52,271 --> 00:18:54,063 Stop it. 882 00:18:54,063 --> 00:18:55,896 Do you have a Chinese character 883 00:18:54,063 --> 00:18:55,896 on your bruise? 884 00:18:55,896 --> 00:18:57,771 Yeah, it's probably an imprint 885 00:18:55,896 --> 00:18:57,771 from the intruder's ring. 886 00:18:57,771 --> 00:18:59,896 He was ... I'm sure he was 887 00:18:57,771 --> 00:18:59,896 in a gang of some sort. 888 00:18:59,896 --> 00:19:01,355 Just give it up, Mitchell. 889 00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:02,980 He knocked himself out 890 00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:02,980 with some nunchucks 891 00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,146 that I confiscated 892 00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,146 as acting vice principal. 893 00:19:05,146 --> 00:19:07,188 Oh, my God! 894 00:19:05,146 --> 00:19:07,188 Kung Sue is back. 895 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,605 Daddy, did you hear that? 896 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,521 Well, Cam ... Cam didn't 897 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,521 really win the football game. 898 00:19:11,521 --> 00:19:14,021 Uh-huh. He stole the last play 899 00:19:11,521 --> 00:19:14,021 from the lady coach! 900 00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:16,230 Accidentally! I overheard it 901 00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:16,230 on a walkie-talkie 902 00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:19,355 that I require 903 00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:19,355 as an acting vice principal, 904 00:19:19,355 --> 00:19:20,730 which is a position 905 00:19:19,355 --> 00:19:20,730 I'm pretty proud of 906 00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:22,271 because I'm basically 907 00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:22,271 a sheriff. 908 00:19:22,271 --> 00:19:24,980 You're not basically ... No. 909 00:19:22,271 --> 00:19:24,980 Yes, I am basically a sheriff! 910 00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:26,271 I wear a hat! 911 00:19:26,271 --> 00:19:28,771 Hey! 912 00:19:26,271 --> 00:19:28,771 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 913 00:19:28,771 --> 00:19:30,271 Dad is doing his trick, 914 00:19:28,771 --> 00:19:30,271 and he's never done it before. 915 00:19:30,271 --> 00:19:31,271 He could die. 916 00:19:32,688 --> 00:19:34,063 Come on! 917 00:19:34,063 --> 00:19:35,730 Oh, Phil. 918 00:19:34,063 --> 00:19:35,730 Honey, wait! 919 00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:37,896 You don't have to do this. 920 00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:37,896 Yes, I do! 921 00:19:37,896 --> 00:19:41,230 I'm the only loser in 922 00:19:37,896 --> 00:19:41,230 a remarkable family of winners. 923 00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:42,438 No, no, no! 924 00:19:42,438 --> 00:19:44,063 We are 925 00:19:42,438 --> 00:19:44,063 not all winners! 926 00:19:44,063 --> 00:19:46,855 It turned out 927 00:19:44,063 --> 00:19:46,855 we all stink! 928 00:19:46,855 --> 00:19:47,980 It doesn't matter! 929 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,313 I don't want to live 930 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,313 a life ruled by fear! 931 00:19:50,313 --> 00:19:52,313 I have to do 932 00:19:50,313 --> 00:19:52,313 this trick today. 933 00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:55,188 Although, it is 934 00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:55,188 getting hard to breathe! 935 00:19:55,188 --> 00:19:56,813 Don't stop, Dad! 936 00:19:55,188 --> 00:19:56,813 You can do this! 937 00:19:56,813 --> 00:19:57,980 I believe in you! 938 00:19:57,980 --> 00:20:00,313 That's not helping, honey! 939 00:19:57,980 --> 00:20:00,313 Very interesting. 940 00:20:00,313 --> 00:20:02,146 Okay, I'm just gonna try 941 00:20:00,313 --> 00:20:02,146 to barrel through this. 942 00:20:02,146 --> 00:20:04,813 It's Normandy. I'm an American 943 00:20:02,146 --> 00:20:04,813 G.I. named Tony Ranzetti. 944 00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,396 I'm from Brooklyn, and I love 945 00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,396 my mama's home cooking! 946 00:20:07,396 --> 00:20:08,771 But I don't think 947 00:20:07,396 --> 00:20:08,771 I'm gonna be able to get out! 948 00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:11,521 Is he talking 949 00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:11,521 as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil? 950 00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:12,813 What is wrong 951 00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:12,813 with you cowards? 952 00:20:12,813 --> 00:20:15,230 Phil needs help! 953 00:20:15,230 --> 00:20:17,938 Kung Sue's back at it. 954 00:20:17,938 --> 00:20:18,813 - Hey! Hey! 955 00:20:17,938 --> 00:20:18,813 - Oh, God! 956 00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:20,355 - Ohh! 957 00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:20,355 - Ah! 958 00:20:20,355 --> 00:20:22,063 It's too late to get out! 959 00:20:20,355 --> 00:20:22,063 Oh. 960 00:20:22,063 --> 00:20:23,980 - No! 961 00:20:22,063 --> 00:20:23,980 - This was a mistake! 962 00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:25,605 Something's wrong. 963 00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:25,605 Dad? 964 00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:26,730 Oh, God. 965 00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:26,730 Phil! Phil! 966 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,355 Oh, my God! 967 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,355 - What ... What... 968 00:20:33,146 --> 00:20:35,730 Holy crap, 969 00:20:33,146 --> 00:20:35,730 where'd he go? 970 00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:39,771 Private Ranzetti reporting 971 00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:39,771 Operation Overlord is a success. 972 00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:40,938 - Oh! 973 00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:40,938 - Wow! 974 00:20:40,938 --> 00:20:42,730 Cocktails are on me. 975 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:45,021 That was amazing! 976 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:45,021 Gotta hand it 977 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:45,021 to you, Phil. 978 00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:46,605 You get 979 00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:46,605 the big turkey leg. 980 00:20:46,605 --> 00:20:48,438 Let's take this party 981 00:20:46,605 --> 00:20:48,438 to the table! 982 00:20:48,438 --> 00:20:50,813 Come on, hippies. 983 00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:57,188 Cam, it's late. 984 00:20:58,438 --> 00:21:01,771 Cam, I have work 985 00:20:58,438 --> 00:21:01,771 early in the morning. 986 00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:03,021 Oh. 987 00:21:03,021 --> 00:21:06,313 Cameron! 988 00:21:03,021 --> 00:21:06,313 I cannot sleep! 989 00:21:06,313 --> 00:21:07,521 Well, you should have 990 00:21:06,313 --> 00:21:07,521 thought about that 991 00:21:07,521 --> 00:21:09,021 before you challenged me 992 00:21:07,521 --> 00:21:09,021 that I couldn't do 993 00:21:09,021 --> 00:21:10,271 100,000 steps in a day. 994 00:21:10,271 --> 00:21:11,521 Well, how close are you? 995 00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:12,646 125. 996 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:13,938 Okay, fine. 997 00:21:16,521 --> 00:21:18,313 Wait. 125 left? 998 00:21:18,313 --> 00:21:19,355 Nope. 999 00:21:19,355 --> 00:21:21,188 Oh, my God.