How we doin'?
It's the most stressful
day of the year
for Claire ...
our anniversary.
She tends to leave
her gift shopping
till the last minute,
and the pressure
can really get to her.
I'm great.
Huh.
Oh, did you forget
it's our ...
No.
Happy Anniversary.
You're strangely calm.
Is this the legendary
realm beyond madness?
I already got your gift.
And I nailed it.
I even stayed below
the $100 limit.
You?
Oh, you'll be
quite pleased.
once I find something.
This time I left my shopping
till the last minute,
maybe just to give Claire
a chance at our competition.
Am I too competitive?
I mean, she does often say,
"Phil, do you always
have to finish first?"
Joe, I'm coming for you.
Hey,
have you guys seen Joe?
Aw, man!
You found me so easy.
But that was for fun.
Hide and seek?
What am I, 4?
I'm here because Luke has
the new zombie video game
that my mom
would never let me play.
So... what else?
What else?
Hey, didn't you get
a new video game?
Crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap!
Did you see her
yesterday?
No, why?
That's what she says
when she realizes
she just slept through
an entire day.
So, my boss went away
for the weekend,
and I realized I left my phone
at her house.
There's a doggy door,
but then I would have to
find a dog,
somehow learn how train it
to go inside,
and then find it.
And I don't know
where to get a ...
Honey...
Oh my God, duh.
Joe, you have a dog.
Come on.
Now see, this is when
entertainment was classy.
Max Feldman wore a tux,
the audience
smoked cigars.
And his act is as fresh today
as it was in the '70s.
What are you, an Eskimo?
You got 50 words for "snow,"
but apparently none
for "toothbrush."
I don't understand
why you guys like that man.
He's a bully.
See, this is why we're not
bringing you
to his show tonight.
- You don't get the jokes,
you ask questions
the whole time...
It ruins the experience.
I understand funny jokes.
This is not funny.
This is mean.
He just told that guy
that he looked like
a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
And that guy
was Ronald Reagan
and he loved it!
I hope Feldman zetzes me
tonight.
Is that why
you're wearing that shirt?
Huh? No.
Anyways, I'm gonna go
and run some errands.
If Jorge arrives
before I'm back,
please don't bore him
with this stuff.
Jorge was
this steamy Latin musician
your mother used to date.
Apparently she feels
she has to invite him here,
instead of just
thinking about him
while she pages through
a high-school yearbook
on her third Scotch
like a normal person.
Jay, don't be jealous.
It was 20 years ago,
and I only dated him
for six months.
And we never had
what you and I have.
Well,
that's nice to hear.
It was only physical.
Manny...
you're gonna learn
something today.
I try to learn something
every day.
It keeps me young,
or nuori,
as they say in Finnish.
Assuming you stop
saying stuff like that,
one day
you will be married,
and eventually the ex
will show up
sniffing around,
puffing out
his pretty-boy chest,
which is your cue
to go alpha.
Don't you think
Mom will get annoyed
when she sees you being rude
to an old friend?
Not at all.
Deep down,
she wants to see me vanquish
all who came before.
It's basic animal stuff.
Oh, I get it.
My girlfriend Karen
was pretty frisky
the other night
after her ex showed up,
and I bested him
in a chocolate-soufflé
bake-off.
I don't need to tell you
my soufflé wasn't
the only sweet brown dish
she devoured that night.
Because...?
I also made
molasses cookies.
I've learned to ask
the second question.
I don't even remember
what the fight was about.
Uh-huh.
Then why does your teacher
want to have a chat with us?
Maybe she has trouble
meeting people.
Ah.
Hey.
Oh, that is a ...
that's bold.
It's too young,
isn't it?
No!
Oh, God, these things
have lie detectors now.
Sir,
please give me your bag.
Oh... we... well,
the cashier probably
just forgot to take
a security tag off of the ...
Where did that
come from?
Possible 488.
No.
I wouldn't steal a bra!
I don't wear bras!
Yeah.
Oh. Well, maybe once.
Our friend Pepper had
a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
Yeah,
he's had five of those.
So...
Sir,
please come with me.
No...
No, no, no, no, no.
Mitchell, call a lawyer!
- I'm a lawyer.
Yeah, but you've lost
more suits
than a Men's Wearhouse
in a tornado.
April Fool's!
They thought
you were a shoplifter!
Burn!
A fight at school,
and now a shoplifting prank?
If you wanted to rebel,
why don't you just put
a pink streak in your hair?
I told you,
I don't want one.
But you would look
so cute.
Okay, well,
whatever this phase is,
I'm not a fan.
I blame us.
We've been
far too permissive.
Agreed.
You are grounded
for one month, Missy!
We got
the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
Except
for Cirque du Soleil!
And the Disneyland trip.
And for Disneyland!
But you are not
going to Christina's
slumber party tonight
no matter how much ...
We have reservations
at Cactus.
Okay,
Christina's slumber party
is the last one
for a while.
Right. That's right.
Scented candles.
The simpleton's choice.
The perfect gift
has three elements ...
not something
you'd buy for yourself,
takes you on
an emotional journey,
that journey is on a ship ...
A showmanship.
Mm.
I mean, finding a gift
that has all three
is challenging,
but here's the thing.
Bad ideas
aren't your enemy.
In fact, sometimes
if you free-associate
from the bad ideas,
you discover great ones.
Let's try it.
Sir, would you like
a bonsai tree?
Novelty key chain.
First thing that popped
into the noodle.
It's terrible.
Let's see
what that key unlocks.
Novelty key chain.
Novelty lock.
Loch Ness Monster.
Monster bike.
Bike lock. Padlock.
Mouse pad.
Novelty mouse pad!
Novelty key chain!
What... just... happened?
It was like my muse
just disappeared.
And she
wasn't coming back.
Soap?
She's not your grandma, Phil!
If I don't care that it
mops, dusts, squeegees,
and lights up,
would I care
that Stacey Keach says
it's the last cleaning tool
you'll ever need?
Box of chocolates.
Count Chocula.
Chaka Khan, conman,
Isle of Man.
"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.
Lululemon, lemon peel.
"Key & Peele," key chain!
Novelty key chain?
No!
Laundry, right?
Oh, it never ends.
I heard that.
Happy Anniversary,
by the way.
Thank you.
Did you get anything special
for Phil?
Kid's smooth like butter.
Just like I coached him.
I am very excited
about the present
I got for Phil.
Come on over here.
Come on closer.
But you have to promise that
you are not gonna tell anybody.
Talk to papa.
I don't want anybody else
to hear what it is.
It's a really good secret.
And the present is...
Ow!
Why would you do that?
My ears are still
developing!
Nice try, Phil.
That's so funny!
Oh. Hey, honey.
How are you?
I'm so sorry.
I have to take this.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Robert...
Not too much.
How are you?
There are a lot of ways
you can establish status
over another man,
like Jorge.
A firm handshake...
displays of wealth...
and feats of strength.
Interesting.
Moving that rug
was the hardest thing
in the world for you
when I needed to practice
tap dancing.
There are also
more subtle moves,
what I call
micro-aggressions.
Call him
by the wrong name.
Throws him off
the moment he meets you.
You must be Huevos!
Jay! Pleasure.
Jorge de la Selva.
In English,
it's George of the Jungle,
so I stick with Spanish.
Hey, who's got
the great taste?
That would be me!
Nice!
Uh, hello...
So, you and Gloria...
you used to, uh...
Yep.
Hey, so he was
a little more handsome
than you were expecting,
but pull yourself together,
man.
Now, fights are very common
at Lily's age.
I mean,
so many parents ask me,
"What happened
to my sweet little kid,"
and I say,
"That's puberty."
Puberty.
Well, Lily's a little young
for that, so...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is this?
The inner ear?
That is the female
reproductive system.
Oh.
Cam.
Oops. Heh.
I dropped the, uh ...
I want to say egg chute,
but I know it's probably
something more Latin-y.
It can be a challenge
when a child
enters into adolescence,
so I was thinking ...
does Lily have any aunts
or any other female figures
in her life?
Yes, why?
Well, she might want
to talk to a woman
about what
she's going through.
Okay. I see.
So meaning, as a gay couple,
we're not up to the task
of raising a daughter
on our own.
No...
Okay.
Mitchell, I'm stuck.
I'm just saying that
Lily may be self-conscious
talking to men ...
even her dads ...
about certain
female body issues.
Did she tell you
what the fight was about?
Yes. Obviously.
Yes,
we are a very open family.
It's not like we wouldn't
just not follow up.
And what did
she tell you?
Uh, that...
A...
Boy...?
No.
Girl.
A girl tried
to snap Lily's ...
Finger!
Bra.
But Lily
doesn't have a bra.
Exactly.
And now
she's getting teased,
because unlike
the other girls,
she doesn't have a ...
Oh, just say it.
A mom.
A bra.
Oh.
Okay, so...
Oh, that wasn't a joke
when she stuffed that bra
in your bag.
She wants one.
She's just ...
she was too embarrassed
to ask for it.
Oh, boy.
You don't think this is gon...
gonna come up
at the slumber party,
do you?
Not Christina S's
slumber party?
Yes.
Oh, God.
She single handedly sent
our lunch lady back to rehab.
I would strongly consider
bringing Lily ...
Thank you, we got it.
Mm.
Obviously
you were gonna say
we should bring Lily...
home?
Actually,
I was going to say
bring Lily
a training... bra.
Training bra!
A train set! Bra.
See? We all said training bra
at the same time.
Yes.
Oh, wow.
This crema is incredible.
The secret is Amore beans
from Guatemala.
Low-acid, shade-grown,
individually massaged
by an order of hill nuns.
Oh, I'm very familiar
with the Amore bean.
I get why you have trouble
vanquishing this guy.
He's perfect.
So, Jorge, um,
you were Gloria's boyfriend
right before Javier?
Yeah, and a little during,
you know?
She kinda bounced around
between the two of us.
Um, where is she anyway?
I got to be at a Dodger game
in an hour.
Oh, you like sports?
That's fantastic!
I tried to get this one
into baseball.
No go.
Actually,
I hate baseball.
I'm here to sing
the national anthem.
I'm an opera singer.
I just finished two months
at La Scala.
The house
that Toscanini built?
Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt
a few times.
You know, a bunch of opera
singers prancing around.
It, uh, takes its toll
on the foundation.
Yeah.
Hey.
I'm here to pick up
Mom's old boombox
from storage?
She needs it for...
How many Mannys do you see
through these things?
That's Gloria's
ex-boyfriend.
Wait, how far ex?
Roughly 20 years.
Oh, my God.
Is ... Is it possible?
What does Gloria say?
She hasn't even
seen him yet.
The odd bit is, these two clones
don't see the resemblance.
Maybe she won't either?
I'm not gonna force it on her.
I mean,
it's no easy thing to say
"Is there a chance
you're so dumb
you don't even know
who the father of
your baby is?"
We could do
a DNA test.
I could do one
at the lab at school.
And then you would have
a definitive answer.
If it comes back negative,
mm, you don't even really
have to tell Gloria.
Well, what do you need,
saliva?
We take these two
down to the Sizzler,
and you squeegee what you need
off the salad-bar window?
They use hairs now!
"But we hanged Wichita Willy
yesterday," said the sheriff.
"Could he be back
for revenge?"
That's when they looked up
and there was
Wichita Willy,
the noose still
dangling from his neck.
Hey, sweetie.
What you guys doing?
Have you heard of
Twice Hung Willy?
Um, yes, I'm familiar
with his films, but ...
What are you doing here?
There's something
we forgot to pack for you.
Can ... can I talk to you
for a second?
No. It's girls only.
Yeah, no, but you're
gonna love it.
What is it?
Oh, it's not for you,
Christina.
Uh...
Oh, God.
Lily...?
Why does your dad
have a fallopian tube?
That's what it is.
Oh.
What's wrong with you?
Calm down, okay?
Your father was fiddling
with your teacher's
reproductive organ.
Oh, my God!
Ms. Wolfe?
No, ju...
the model on her desk.
And then he put
his finger into it,
and then he couldn't ...
Well, now mine's stuck!
Okay, let me...
Okay, this is tight.
Push your finger
through.
Oh, no.
Are they like this
in real life?
I don't think so.
This is gross!
No. It's not gross, okay?
Nothing about your body
is gross to us.
Yes. Not your cycles,
not your fluids ...
Oh, my God,
just stop talking forever.
Just go!
Oh, well,
that was a disaster.
You know, maybe it's just time
we start to admit
that straight couples
have strengths
that we don't,
you know?
And maybe moms know
more about girls than we do.
Is it time to start
farming some of this
girl stuff out?
Yeah, but to who?
Claire's an over-sharer.
Gloria ...
is her body even human?
Haley knows less than Lily.
So who do we go to?
Alex?
I guess.
I mean, it'll be dull,
but it'll be right.
Let's prank call Milo
again.
You totally like him.
I do not!
I just want to torture him.
Okay ... so, see,
are we supposed to hear
something like that
and say nothing?
Yes, we are.
Come on.
Okay, hi.
If you want to get
a boy's attention,
you know, a prank call
is probably not the move.
Dad!
Cam, this is not our place.
But he's not wrong.
I just like
to make him mad!
Yeah, well,
we just thought you liked him
and you wanted to know
the best way
to get his attention,
but apparently not.
So good night.
Wait!
Okay.
Okay, so,
who's Milo's best friend?
Barrett.
Okay, you're gonna text Milo,
"You're hilarious!
Crying-laughing face,
and winky face emoji."
Then wait a beat.
Then you're gonna
text back,
"Oops, sorry.
That was for Barrett.
Neutral-face emoji
with straight-line mouth."
Oh, my God. Genius.
Wow,
I've never seen her smile.
Dudes!
Milo just
texted me back.
Okay, what'd he say?
"You're a jerk.
Winky eye face
with the tongue hanging out."
Oh, you're in.
You're in.
Oh! Yeah.
Do not text him back,
okay?
But when you see him
on Monday,
walk right past him
and throw him a quick...
"Hey."
Hey.
Yes!
All right,
you girls got it from here.
We have
a dinner reservation.
Hey, I saw what
you put in the bag.
Thanks.
You're welcome, sweetie.
And we love you.
Are you gonna be this cool
when I like a boy?
Oh, no. No.
No. Not a chance.
Good, you're home.
One second.
Papi, you look great
in that new shirt!
So handsome!
Gloria!
Oh.
I thought you were Manny.
Good. You're caught up now.
I know I put on a few,
but they don't take you
seriously as an opera singer
when you're too skinny.
Do you know what happens
when the thin lady sings?
The show
just keeps going.
It's so wonderful
to see you.
I ... I'm gonna go
and open a bottle of wine.
Do you think
that Jorge could be...?
Jorge mentioned
you bounced around
between him and Javier.
How much bouncing
did you do?
Technically,
it's possible.
Oh, my God.
How is Manny
going to handle this?
Not great.
You know he doesn't respond well
to surprises.
Remember how upset he got
when he found out
those mashed potatoes
were really just
whipped cauliflower?
What are we going to do?
Okay, Grandpa, I got ...
Oh, Gloria, you're here.
What do you bring with you,
besides that guilty look?
Okay, in order to get
a definitive answer,
I had Alex
perform a DNA test.
You got them both
to spit?
They use hair now.
Eugh.
Hey, lotion's
on the sink, Jorge.
Hey, turns out
I'm not the only one
who suffers
from dry navel.
Uh, Alex, why do you
have a medical form
with my name on it?
I don't think I should be
the one to explain this.
Manny... as you know,
your mother and Jorge
had a relationship.
You're a lot alike,
and it made us curious
as to whether...
Uh, are ...
are you saying ...
This is a DNA test.
Your mom didn't even find out
until today.
So ... I...
I ... I don't even know
how to react.
So my whole childhood
was a lie?
I thought Javier
was my dad.
Now he's just some stranger
who gave me baths?
Listen, buddy.
It's not who brings you
into the world.
It's what you do
when you're there.
You're not Javier.
You're not this guy.
You're you.
And what you are
is amazing.
And for the record,
I've been your dad
since you were 10,
and I'm gonna be your dad
until I'm gone.
I love you,
and I always will.
I love you too, Jay.
Ha! April Fool's!
Now who doesn't
understand a joke?
What?
I never dated Jorge!
He's the butcher
at the grocery store!
I just thought
that he looked like Manny!
Why would you do that?
Because you said
that I didn't understand funny.
I didn't know you were going
to take the prank this far.
You made Grandpa cry.
I know!
He was like,
"I love you
and I always will."
Okay, look, I'm out.
Uh, I used to raise veal,
and this has to be
the cruelest thing
I've ever been
a part of.
Okay, almost there...
almost there...
Hang on. One second.
Claire's gift
involved a blindfold
and a second location ...
showmanship
of the highest order.
To make things worse,
the clock ran out on me.
My gift...
I settled...
I can't even
say it out loud.
And...
Ta-da!
Oh, my God.
Our old apartment.
I know.
I was noodling around on Airbnb
a couple of weeks ago
and it was just right there
listed.
Unbelievable.
It's $85 for the night,
$6 for our old favorite
Arizona fish sticks,
which you will smell
warming right now...
$3 for the "Forget Paris"
rental.
Aw, you even found cans of
the wine we used to like.
You completely nailed it.
I know. I really did!
I did! I did!
And it was
the first time ever.
And...
I really want
this feeling to last.
Would it be weird
if I asked you
not to give me your gift
until tomorrow?
You got it.
Yes!
In fact, I might, uh ...
I might sneak off
and trade this in
for something
really terrible
just to seal
your victory.
All right.
Now let's get this party
started.
No.
Mm.
The old mixtape
I made you?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
"Songs in the key of Phil."
Oh, no!
Oh. Oh.
Aw, no.
Wait, hang out.
It's not going back in.
You know what?
Sometimes it's nice
to not have music.
(electronic music
plays in distance)
Well, I'm not listening to that
all night.
Oh.
I wonder if the old
intercom system still works.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah.
Give it to 'em.
Tell 'em how I feel.
Hey!
Hey! Ahh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, oh!
It's okay! Okay.
No need to be alarmed.
Oh, no,
not the fish sticks!
Okay...
Oh, oh, Phil?
Open the window,
and it'll stop the alarm!
Oh, God!
Whoa!
Oh, God!
Oh, it's okay!
Phil! Phil!
Oh! I got you!
Okay ...
I got you!
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Waah!
Wine is flammable?
No! But that is!
Oh, God.
Ahh... Ohh...
Raccoons!
Oh, for God's sake, Phil,
just swear like an adult.
No!
Part of me always knew
this is how I was gonna go out.
In a wine fire
surrounded by raccoons?
Wait.
What is that?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, yes.
What ... what is this?
Ohh...
Ahh!
Oh, yes!
Yeh-ha! Yah!
Yah! Yah!
Yeah! Get out!
You shut your mouth!
Oh, yeah!
And since the neighbors
can't take a hint.
Oh!
That was amazing.
My dear,
nothing but the best
for you...
on our anniversary.
Now...
where were we?
Okay.
Oh.
May I have this dance?
Yes.
Oh...
I am the luckiest girl
in the world.
Shh.
Mm.
Did you get me a mop
for our ...?
Shh.
Come on.
Honey, what happened?
I spilled some milk.
Apparently the only thing
this mop can't do is mop.
Well, there's no use
crying over it.
Just call them
and complain.
Oh, you're right.
This is your
emergency moperator.
How can I help?
The ... the mop function
on my mop isn't working.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm going to go ahead
and do a remote reset,
so you may notice that your mop
gets extremely hot.
Oh.
Uh ... should I...?
I'm kidding.
Oh.
Good one, moperator.
You should've seen
his face.
I did.
You're an adorable couple.
Get rid of it.
Oh, my God.
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