1 00:00:00,865 --> 00:00:02,656 Daddies will miss you both 2 00:00:00,865 --> 00:00:02,656 so much! Have the best time! 3 00:00:02,656 --> 00:00:04,865 - Bye, honey. 4 00:00:02,656 --> 00:00:04,865 - Ohh. 5 00:00:08,781 --> 00:00:10,865 There's a box out here 6 00:00:08,781 --> 00:00:10,865 marked fruit of the month. 7 00:00:10,865 --> 00:00:13,656 I'm assuming that means 8 00:00:10,865 --> 00:00:13,656 one of you won a contest. 9 00:00:13,656 --> 00:00:15,948 So, 10 00:00:13,656 --> 00:00:15,948 Pam's moving back home 11 00:00:15,948 --> 00:00:18,573 after living in our upstairs 12 00:00:15,948 --> 00:00:18,573 unit for like three years. 13 00:00:18,573 --> 00:00:20,948 Uh, okay, it's been 14 00:00:18,573 --> 00:00:20,948 a year and nine days, 15 00:00:20,948 --> 00:00:22,323 and she chopped us 16 00:00:20,948 --> 00:00:22,323 all that wood. 17 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,531 Plus, she's taking Lily back 18 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,531 to see my parents. 19 00:00:24,531 --> 00:00:27,656 It's birthing season so 20 00:00:24,531 --> 00:00:27,656 she gets to name her first pig. 21 00:00:27,656 --> 00:00:29,656 Oh, and then we slaughter it 22 00:00:27,656 --> 00:00:29,656 on her 13th birthday. 23 00:00:29,656 --> 00:00:30,906 There's prayers 24 00:00:29,656 --> 00:00:30,906 and dancing. 25 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,365 It's not unlike 26 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,365 your standard bar mitzvah. 27 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:35,073 Except a lot more pork 28 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:35,073 and a lot less Jews. 29 00:00:35,073 --> 00:00:37,906 Anyway, we're excited to have 30 00:00:35,073 --> 00:00:37,906 the house to ourselves again. 31 00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:40,823 ♪ Naked breakfast, 32 00:00:42,073 --> 00:00:43,115 Just ignore it. 33 00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:55,656 I knew you two would 34 00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:55,656 keep the side door unlocked. 35 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,948 What would you do 36 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,948 if I were a deranged psychopath? 37 00:00:58,948 --> 00:01:01,656 I'd probably start with, "Hi, 38 00:00:58,948 --> 00:01:01,656 Mom, what are you doing here?" 39 00:01:01,656 --> 00:01:03,865 Jerry and I 40 00:01:01,656 --> 00:01:03,865 had a terrible row! 41 00:01:03,865 --> 00:01:04,906 Ohh. 42 00:01:04,906 --> 00:01:07,031 Well, put on some pants 43 00:01:04,906 --> 00:01:07,031 so we can hug. 44 00:01:07,031 --> 00:01:08,073 - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 45 00:01:07,031 --> 00:01:08,073 - Back to back. 46 00:01:08,073 --> 00:01:09,906 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 47 00:01:09,906 --> 00:01:10,906 Why didn't we 48 00:01:09,906 --> 00:01:10,906 just back out? 49 00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,865 I don't know, but we're already 50 00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,865 committed to this. 51 00:01:25,865 --> 00:01:27,115 Okay, last run. 52 00:01:27,115 --> 00:01:28,781 And then we clean up 53 00:01:27,115 --> 00:01:28,781 or your mom will be mad. 54 00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:30,156 Hang on. Here we go. 55 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,531 And go! 56 00:01:34,865 --> 00:01:36,656 - Nice job. 57 00:01:36,656 --> 00:01:38,615 Keep her steady. 58 00:01:38,615 --> 00:01:39,740 - Okay. 59 00:01:38,615 --> 00:01:39,740 - Got this. 60 00:01:41,198 --> 00:01:42,198 - Oh! 61 00:01:41,198 --> 00:01:42,198 - No! 62 00:01:42,198 --> 00:01:43,198 Oh, no. 63 00:01:43,198 --> 00:01:45,823 Oh, no! 64 00:01:45,823 --> 00:01:47,240 I recently sat for 65 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,865 my Pritchett's Closets 66 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,865 presidential portrait. 67 00:01:49,865 --> 00:01:51,740 It's a dumb tradition 68 00:01:49,865 --> 00:01:51,740 my dad started, 69 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,948 but I kind of love 70 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,948 the way mine turned out. 71 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,323 At least it's more understated 72 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,323 than his. 73 00:01:56,323 --> 00:01:57,948 The colors are muted 74 00:01:57,948 --> 00:02:01,531 and I am not wearing a sash 75 00:01:57,948 --> 00:02:01,531 and service revolver. 76 00:02:01,531 --> 00:02:02,656 We're dead. 77 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,740 We never should have 78 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,740 played with ... 79 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,031 Where is the drone? 80 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,031 Did you turn it off? 81 00:02:06,031 --> 00:02:08,781 I was asleep. 82 00:02:08,781 --> 00:02:11,990 Wow, 83 00:02:08,781 --> 00:02:11,990 this place looks dynamite. 84 00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:15,448 I wanted to give Manny 85 00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:15,448 a nice premiere for his movie. 86 00:02:15,448 --> 00:02:17,823 He's been in such a dry spell 87 00:02:15,448 --> 00:02:17,823 creatively. 88 00:02:17,823 --> 00:02:20,573 That modern dance recital 89 00:02:17,823 --> 00:02:20,573 was like... 90 00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:22,448 Ugh, I couldn't even 91 00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:22,448 look at that leotard. 92 00:02:22,448 --> 00:02:23,823 Okay, yeah, 93 00:02:22,448 --> 00:02:23,823 he's a terrible dancer, 94 00:02:23,823 --> 00:02:25,198 but you don't have to 95 00:02:23,823 --> 00:02:25,198 use that word. 96 00:02:25,198 --> 00:02:27,906 For my film class, I wrote 97 00:02:25,198 --> 00:02:27,906 and directed a short. 98 00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:30,073 I felt the horror genre was 99 00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:30,073 the best way to grapple with 100 00:02:30,073 --> 00:02:31,490 the struggles of our time. 101 00:02:31,490 --> 00:02:33,406 When Manny first came to me 102 00:02:31,490 --> 00:02:33,406 with the project... 103 00:02:33,406 --> 00:02:35,823 You read a script I left out 104 00:02:33,406 --> 00:02:35,823 and you elbowed your way in. 105 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,990 Semantics. 106 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,990 I was gonna be the silent money. 107 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:40,781 But it turns out I've got some 108 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:40,781 natural storytelling talent, 109 00:02:40,781 --> 00:02:42,906 so I took on 110 00:02:40,781 --> 00:02:42,906 a more creative role. 111 00:02:42,906 --> 00:02:45,490 In spite of that, 112 00:02:42,906 --> 00:02:45,490 I got my first "A." 113 00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:47,781 Our first "A." 114 00:02:47,781 --> 00:02:50,490 I can't deal with my mother's 115 00:02:47,781 --> 00:02:50,490 marriage drama right now. 116 00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:53,198 Nobody gets the love-lorn 117 00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:53,198 back on their feet 118 00:02:53,198 --> 00:02:55,240 and out the door 119 00:02:53,198 --> 00:02:55,240 faster than we do. 120 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,865 We'll just trot out our ... 121 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,865 our trusty "heartbreak kit." 122 00:02:57,865 --> 00:02:59,865 Is that in the closet 123 00:02:57,865 --> 00:02:59,865 next to the earthquake kit? 124 00:02:59,865 --> 00:03:00,865 And the Eartha Kitt. 125 00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:03,698 Did you put those all in the 126 00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:03,698 same place just to delight me? 127 00:03:03,698 --> 00:03:05,740 - I did. 128 00:03:03,698 --> 00:03:05,740 - Aww. 129 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,781 So, you have wine, 130 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,781 a self-help book, 131 00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:11,448 a-a pillow shaped like 132 00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:11,448 the platonic ideal 133 00:03:11,448 --> 00:03:14,990 of a male torso for cuddling 134 00:03:11,448 --> 00:03:14,990 and/or punching... 135 00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:19,656 And a DVD we made for you called 136 00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:19,656 the "Donna Summer Olympics." 137 00:03:19,656 --> 00:03:22,198 It's a compilation of 138 00:03:19,656 --> 00:03:22,198 all the sexiest male athletes 139 00:03:22,198 --> 00:03:24,698 accompanied by 140 00:03:22,198 --> 00:03:24,698 the high queen of disco. 141 00:03:24,698 --> 00:03:25,865 Oh, you boys. 142 00:03:25,865 --> 00:03:28,990 So sensitive 143 00:03:25,865 --> 00:03:28,990 to a woman's needs. 144 00:03:28,990 --> 00:03:31,323 Unlike Jerry. 145 00:03:31,323 --> 00:03:34,906 Did I tell you that his mother 146 00:03:31,323 --> 00:03:34,906 is living with us? 147 00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:36,531 Yeah, no discussion. 148 00:03:36,531 --> 00:03:38,865 She just shows up 149 00:03:36,531 --> 00:03:38,865 with her birds. 150 00:03:38,865 --> 00:03:41,531 Well, you know, Mom, 151 00:03:38,865 --> 00:03:41,531 relationships take sacrifice. 152 00:03:41,531 --> 00:03:43,948 I mean, when Cam's sister Pam 153 00:03:41,531 --> 00:03:43,948 moved in, 154 00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:46,365 it w... it was hard on me. 155 00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:46,365 I-I was constantly worried about 156 00:03:46,365 --> 00:03:49,115 the lost money 157 00:03:46,365 --> 00:03:49,115 on the upstairs rental and... 158 00:03:49,115 --> 00:03:51,990 You know, Mitchell, maybe 159 00:03:49,115 --> 00:03:51,990 we shouldn't discuss money. 160 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:53,698 It can be 161 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:53,698 a bit unseemly. 162 00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,365 I wasn't planning on 163 00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,365 being unseemly, 164 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,281 a word I've never heard you 165 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,281 use before. 166 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,490 I-I'm simply saying 167 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,490 how stressful 168 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,281 having a long-term house guest 169 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,281 can be and... 170 00:04:03,281 --> 00:04:06,740 Oh. 171 00:04:03,281 --> 00:04:06,740 Oh, sweetie, 172 00:04:03,281 --> 00:04:06,740 yeah, take a breath. 173 00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:09,865 Oh, my ... Oh, my ... Oh, my God. 174 00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:09,865 No. No. 175 00:04:09,865 --> 00:04:11,281 You used to do this 176 00:04:09,865 --> 00:04:11,281 when I was young. 177 00:04:11,281 --> 00:04:13,698 Did you get this move 178 00:04:11,281 --> 00:04:13,698 from my mother? 179 00:04:13,698 --> 00:04:18,323 Mitchell, there is no reason for 180 00:04:13,698 --> 00:04:18,323 this uns... um, high-temper ... 181 00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:19,906 Unseemly! 182 00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:19,906 You were gonna say "unseemly"! 183 00:04:19,906 --> 00:04:22,031 Unseemly! 184 00:04:19,906 --> 00:04:22,031 You stole that word from her. 185 00:04:22,031 --> 00:04:23,865 Okay, okay, okay. 186 00:04:22,031 --> 00:04:23,865 W-What's going on here? 187 00:04:23,865 --> 00:04:25,490 Are you two, um... 188 00:04:23,865 --> 00:04:25,490 friends? 189 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:26,656 Yes. 190 00:04:26,656 --> 00:04:29,865 We talk on the phone, 191 00:04:26,656 --> 00:04:29,865 e-mail, exchange recipes. 192 00:04:29,865 --> 00:04:32,281 Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've 193 00:04:29,865 --> 00:04:32,281 been eating so much quinoa? 194 00:04:32,281 --> 00:04:34,573 - It's a super-food. 195 00:04:32,281 --> 00:04:34,573 - It's a super-food. 196 00:04:34,573 --> 00:04:37,031 Okay, okay. 197 00:04:34,573 --> 00:04:37,031 Can I talk to you for a second? 198 00:04:37,031 --> 00:04:38,698 Come on. 199 00:04:38,698 --> 00:04:41,448 Okay, no reason to lie about it, 200 00:04:38,698 --> 00:04:41,448 'cause I already know. 201 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,198 How long have you been 202 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,198 involved with this woman? 203 00:04:43,198 --> 00:04:45,448 Can I ask a question? 204 00:04:43,198 --> 00:04:45,448 Is there a chance you're just 205 00:04:45,448 --> 00:04:47,490 kind of making this 206 00:04:45,448 --> 00:04:47,490 all about Mitchell? 207 00:04:47,490 --> 00:04:48,906 That's her. 208 00:04:48,906 --> 00:04:51,198 Your mouth is moving, 209 00:04:48,906 --> 00:04:51,198 but that is her talking. 210 00:04:51,198 --> 00:04:52,573 Okay, don't you see 211 00:04:51,198 --> 00:04:52,573 what's happening? 212 00:04:52,573 --> 00:04:54,281 She's manipulating you 213 00:04:52,573 --> 00:04:54,281 to manipulate me. 214 00:04:54,281 --> 00:04:57,948 Don't you think I'm smart enough 215 00:04:54,281 --> 00:04:57,948 to know if I'm being used? 216 00:04:57,948 --> 00:04:59,656 I also have a mom. 217 00:04:59,656 --> 00:05:01,156 You're out of your league here, 218 00:04:59,656 --> 00:05:01,156 bumpkin! 219 00:05:01,156 --> 00:05:02,865 Okay, 220 00:05:01,156 --> 00:05:02,865 this is a city mother! 221 00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:06,656 Wow. What happened to 222 00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:06,656 the seemly man I married? 223 00:05:06,656 --> 00:05:08,573 You can't use it like that. 224 00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:10,573 Okay, 225 00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:10,573 how's it looking? 226 00:05:10,573 --> 00:05:11,823 Not bad. 227 00:05:11,823 --> 00:05:13,490 Who would've thought 228 00:05:11,823 --> 00:05:13,490 Mom and Teddy Roosevelt 229 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:15,156 were identical 230 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:15,156 front-teeth twins? 231 00:05:15,156 --> 00:05:18,073 Okay, just give me a quick 232 00:05:15,156 --> 00:05:18,073 minute to dry the glue. 233 00:05:18,073 --> 00:05:20,240 Oh, can you throw that shirt 234 00:05:18,073 --> 00:05:20,240 on a hanger for me, actually? 235 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,115 I need to look sharp for 236 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,115 Manny's premiere tonight. 237 00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,115 I play the Sheriff, 238 00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,115 which is ironic 239 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,823 because I steal 240 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,823 every scene I'm in. 241 00:05:25,823 --> 00:05:27,031 Dad, no! It's melting! 242 00:05:27,031 --> 00:05:28,906 ZZ Top! 243 00:05:28,906 --> 00:05:30,240 I've ruined your mother. 244 00:05:31,781 --> 00:05:32,948 Wait a second. 245 00:05:32,948 --> 00:05:34,531 Today's your mom's 246 00:05:32,948 --> 00:05:34,531 monthly spa day. 247 00:05:34,531 --> 00:05:35,490 I'm not following. 248 00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:37,240 Afterwards, 249 00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:37,240 th-there's a brief window 250 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,656 when she's at her most relaxed 251 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,656 and understanding. 252 00:05:38,656 --> 00:05:40,531 It's the best time 253 00:05:38,656 --> 00:05:40,531 to give her bad news. 254 00:05:40,531 --> 00:05:42,115 I was gonna tell her 255 00:05:40,531 --> 00:05:42,115 about the $500 256 00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:44,073 I wired to that stranded 257 00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:44,073 British guy on the phone, 258 00:05:44,073 --> 00:05:45,948 but this seems 259 00:05:44,073 --> 00:05:45,948 more important. 260 00:05:47,906 --> 00:05:49,906 Hi. Is Mom home? 261 00:05:49,906 --> 00:05:51,948 Honey, you look nice. 262 00:05:49,906 --> 00:05:51,948 Why? 263 00:05:51,948 --> 00:05:53,573 Did I hear Mom? 264 00:05:53,573 --> 00:05:54,906 Wait, you're dressed 265 00:05:53,573 --> 00:05:54,906 like a girl. 266 00:05:54,906 --> 00:05:56,240 No! You are not 267 00:05:54,906 --> 00:05:56,240 using the window. 268 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,323 You got the last one! 269 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,156 Did everyone know 270 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,156 about this window? 271 00:05:59,156 --> 00:06:00,865 You guys need it too? 272 00:05:59,156 --> 00:06:00,865 For what? 273 00:06:02,823 --> 00:06:06,656 Oh, wow. It is not easy 274 00:06:02,823 --> 00:06:06,656 doing something that dumb. 275 00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:08,698 Yeah, 276 00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:08,698 this is why men are over. 277 00:06:08,698 --> 00:06:10,781 I hope you enjoyed 278 00:06:08,698 --> 00:06:10,781 the last 10,000 years. 279 00:06:10,781 --> 00:06:13,115 Listen, I have to bail on our 280 00:06:10,781 --> 00:06:13,115 trip with Mom for Mother's Day. 281 00:06:13,115 --> 00:06:15,073 No! I have to bail, 282 00:06:13,115 --> 00:06:15,073 you have to go! 283 00:06:15,073 --> 00:06:16,281 She cried 284 00:06:15,073 --> 00:06:16,281 when we asked her. 285 00:06:16,281 --> 00:06:18,865 But my boss invited me 286 00:06:16,281 --> 00:06:18,865 to the Met Ball. 287 00:06:18,865 --> 00:06:22,323 Her therapy dog got the flu, 288 00:06:18,865 --> 00:06:22,323 so I get to fly first class. 289 00:06:22,323 --> 00:06:23,365 Well, on her lap. 290 00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:25,323 But Bill wants to 291 00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:25,323 take me away. 292 00:06:25,323 --> 00:06:26,948 This is the first time 293 00:06:25,323 --> 00:06:26,948 I've had a boyfriend 294 00:06:26,948 --> 00:06:28,823 who's not spending Mother's Day 295 00:06:26,948 --> 00:06:28,823 watching "Driving Miss Daisy" 296 00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:30,781 and pulling gray hairs 297 00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:30,781 out of a hairbrush. 298 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:33,615 Three asks in one window, 299 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:33,615 it's unprecedented. 300 00:06:33,615 --> 00:06:35,615 If we're gonna pull this off, 301 00:06:33,615 --> 00:06:35,615 we're gonna have to make this 302 00:06:35,615 --> 00:06:38,031 the most relaxing environment 303 00:06:35,615 --> 00:06:38,031 she's ever walked into. 304 00:06:39,115 --> 00:06:40,198 Surprise! 305 00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:41,823 - Nana! 306 00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:41,823 - Dede! 307 00:06:41,823 --> 00:06:43,240 I'm sorry to barge in. 308 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,615 I was visiting 309 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,615 Mitch and Cam. 310 00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,823 There's some tension 311 00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,823 over there. 312 00:06:47,823 --> 00:06:49,740 Well, 313 00:06:47,823 --> 00:06:49,740 where's my daughter? 314 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:52,948 I don't hear any 315 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:52,948 cooking or cleaning sounds 316 00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:55,031 so I assume she's home. 317 00:06:56,406 --> 00:06:57,948 Dad, what do we do? 318 00:06:57,948 --> 00:06:59,240 Mitchell must've brought her. 319 00:06:57,948 --> 00:06:59,240 Maybe he's still out ... 320 00:07:00,948 --> 00:07:01,906 Coward! 321 00:07:04,281 --> 00:07:06,740 Oh, just in time. 322 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:08,948 "Chapter Five ... 323 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:08,948 Toss that clown, 324 00:07:08,948 --> 00:07:10,615 he's been 325 00:07:08,948 --> 00:07:10,615 keeping you down." 326 00:07:10,615 --> 00:07:11,865 Cam, 327 00:07:10,615 --> 00:07:11,865 I spent my whole life 328 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,365 trying to get out from 329 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,365 underneath my mother's thumb, 330 00:07:14,365 --> 00:07:16,656 and I-I finally thought that 331 00:07:14,365 --> 00:07:16,656 that was over. 332 00:07:16,656 --> 00:07:18,073 So to find out 333 00:07:16,656 --> 00:07:18,073 that she's been 334 00:07:18,073 --> 00:07:19,948 secretly managing me 335 00:07:18,073 --> 00:07:19,948 through you ... 336 00:07:19,948 --> 00:07:22,240 Okay, 337 00:07:19,948 --> 00:07:22,240 before you throw a clot, 338 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,323 please, 339 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,323 come look at my laptop. 340 00:07:24,323 --> 00:07:26,948 Read the e-mails 341 00:07:24,323 --> 00:07:26,948 your mother and I have sent. 342 00:07:26,948 --> 00:07:28,656 743 e-mails! 343 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,073 It's mostly from one thread. 344 00:07:30,073 --> 00:07:32,990 Okay, look what she says 345 00:07:30,073 --> 00:07:32,990 in this one. 346 00:07:30,073 --> 00:07:32,990 Mm-hmm. 347 00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:36,073 "Some kitchen items 348 00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:36,073 you might like." 349 00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:36,073 Mm-hmm. 350 00:07:36,073 --> 00:07:40,490 - The stove, the tiles... 351 00:07:36,073 --> 00:07:40,490 - What? 352 00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:42,823 the ... the ... the folksy sign 353 00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:42,823 on the wall, Cam! 354 00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:44,531 You said that 355 00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:44,531 these were your ideas. 356 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,323 D-Don't you see 357 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,323 she incepted you 358 00:07:46,323 --> 00:07:48,115 and ... and designed 359 00:07:46,323 --> 00:07:48,115 our whole kitchen? 360 00:07:48,115 --> 00:07:51,531 It was all so diabolical, 361 00:07:48,115 --> 00:07:51,531 and it went deep. 362 00:07:51,531 --> 00:07:53,781 She tricked us into making 363 00:07:51,531 --> 00:07:53,781 every decision in our lives. 364 00:07:53,781 --> 00:07:55,823 For example, 12 years ago, 365 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:58,115 she sent me pictures of 366 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:58,115 adorable Asian babies. 367 00:07:58,115 --> 00:08:00,698 While hitting me with 368 00:07:58,115 --> 00:08:00,698 a little reverse psychology. 369 00:08:00,698 --> 00:08:04,406 "Mitchell, America has taken 370 00:08:00,698 --> 00:08:04,406 so much from the Vietnamese, 371 00:08:04,406 --> 00:08:07,240 do you really want to 372 00:08:04,406 --> 00:08:07,240 snatch one of their children?" 373 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,865 I do 374 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,865 if you don't want me to! 375 00:08:08,865 --> 00:08:10,865 Oh, my God, 2004? 376 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,823 Th-That's a year into 377 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,823 our relationship. 378 00:08:12,823 --> 00:08:15,865 "Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you 379 00:08:12,823 --> 00:08:15,865 living all alone 380 00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:17,656 in that tiny apartment 381 00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:17,656 with a broken ankle." 382 00:08:17,656 --> 00:08:19,781 And on the same day, 383 00:08:17,656 --> 00:08:19,781 she's e-mailing you, 384 00:08:19,781 --> 00:08:22,490 "It's too soon 385 00:08:19,781 --> 00:08:22,490 to move in with someone. 386 00:08:22,490 --> 00:08:24,115 I strongly discourage it." 387 00:08:24,115 --> 00:08:25,823 Which is exactly 388 00:08:24,115 --> 00:08:25,823 why I did it. 389 00:08:25,823 --> 00:08:27,406 And because 390 00:08:25,823 --> 00:08:27,406 you love me so much. 391 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:28,740 And because we were in love. 392 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:28,740 Are in love. Yes. 393 00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,823 Oh, my God. 394 00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,823 - Mitchell. 395 00:08:30,823 --> 00:08:32,906 She's everywhere. 396 00:08:30,823 --> 00:08:32,906 - She is. 397 00:08:32,906 --> 00:08:36,323 Cam. 398 00:08:36,323 --> 00:08:38,115 I'm scared. 399 00:08:38,115 --> 00:08:40,031 Jay, you're abusing my editor. 400 00:08:40,031 --> 00:08:41,490 - Wait, stop. Back it up. 401 00:08:41,490 --> 00:08:42,865 No, no. 402 00:08:41,490 --> 00:08:42,865 The movie's done. 403 00:08:42,865 --> 00:08:44,615 We can't keep arguing 404 00:08:42,865 --> 00:08:44,615 about this! 405 00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:45,906 Don't we both want to 406 00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:45,906 cut the sheriff? 407 00:08:45,906 --> 00:08:47,448 Yes! He stinks on ice! 408 00:08:47,448 --> 00:08:49,948 But it hurts the story if we 409 00:08:47,448 --> 00:08:49,948 don't stay on him long enough 410 00:08:49,948 --> 00:08:51,948 in the closet to see 411 00:08:49,948 --> 00:08:51,948 the terror on his face! 412 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,865 You just want to see the 413 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,865 Pritchett's Closets emblem 414 00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:55,865 next to his head! 415 00:08:55,865 --> 00:08:57,198 No, no, no, not again! 416 00:08:57,198 --> 00:09:00,615 The red carpet that 417 00:08:57,198 --> 00:09:00,615 they sent me is orange, 418 00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:02,240 and they keep 419 00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:02,240 putting me on hold. 420 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,490 I never thought 421 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,490 that I could hate 422 00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:05,531 hearing "She Bangs" 423 00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:05,531 over and over. 424 00:09:05,531 --> 00:09:06,490 - You didn't? 425 00:09:05,531 --> 00:09:06,490 - Really? 426 00:09:06,490 --> 00:09:07,698 Manny, give me the movie. 427 00:09:07,698 --> 00:09:09,490 I need to make sure that 428 00:09:07,698 --> 00:09:09,490 the projector is working 429 00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:10,865 and that the picture 430 00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:10,865 is good. 431 00:09:10,865 --> 00:09:12,490 Here, take it. 432 00:09:10,865 --> 00:09:12,490 It's done, anyway. 433 00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:14,031 I don't know 434 00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:14,031 what to do with this. 435 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,906 I'm gonna need to 436 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,906 borrow your nerd. 437 00:09:15,906 --> 00:09:17,698 And why don't you go 438 00:09:15,906 --> 00:09:17,698 get me a tomato juice? 439 00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:20,448 Look, I know we've had 440 00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:20,448 our creative differences, 441 00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:22,948 but I really think 442 00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:22,948 we have a hit on our hands. 443 00:09:22,948 --> 00:09:24,198 I'm pretty proud of it, 444 00:09:22,948 --> 00:09:24,198 too. 445 00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:26,615 And a little nervous 446 00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:26,615 to put it out there. 447 00:09:26,615 --> 00:09:28,990 'Cause you made the monster 448 00:09:26,615 --> 00:09:28,990 just like Mom? 449 00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:31,406 - No, we didn't. 450 00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:31,406 - What are you talking about? 451 00:09:31,406 --> 00:09:33,740 That noise. 452 00:09:31,406 --> 00:09:33,740 It's what she says all the time. 453 00:09:36,615 --> 00:09:38,573 She's coming! 454 00:09:43,198 --> 00:09:47,115 Stella, no! Out, out! 455 00:09:43,198 --> 00:09:47,115 I'll kill you! 456 00:09:48,615 --> 00:09:49,740 How could this happen? 457 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:53,740 We spent weeks perfecting 458 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:53,740 the monster's trademark scream 459 00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:57,198 by combining a bunch 460 00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:57,198 of unsettling noises. 461 00:09:57,198 --> 00:09:59,906 Horror movies 462 00:09:57,198 --> 00:09:59,906 are all about the sound. 463 00:09:59,906 --> 00:10:01,990 Particularly when your 464 00:09:59,906 --> 00:10:01,990 special effects budget 465 00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:04,115 has been repurposed 466 00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:04,115 for an on-set massage chair. 467 00:10:04,115 --> 00:10:06,531 Hey, you used it 468 00:10:04,115 --> 00:10:06,531 just as much as I did. 469 00:10:06,531 --> 00:10:08,906 So, our monster sounds like 470 00:10:06,531 --> 00:10:08,906 your mother screaming? 471 00:10:08,906 --> 00:10:10,323 But we didn't know that 472 00:10:08,906 --> 00:10:10,323 before we put it in, right? 473 00:10:10,323 --> 00:10:12,740 - No, of course not, we love her. 474 00:10:10,323 --> 00:10:12,740 - To the moon. 475 00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:13,906 Maybe she won't notice. 476 00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:14,781 We better hope not. 477 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,156 - It's your movie. 478 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,156 - It's your movie. 479 00:10:18,906 --> 00:10:21,031 She's asleep? How lucky. 480 00:10:21,031 --> 00:10:22,490 Kind of lucky. 481 00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:24,948 She said she was tired 482 00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:24,948 and Haley gave her some... tea. 483 00:10:24,948 --> 00:10:26,865 What was in the tea? 484 00:10:26,865 --> 00:10:28,781 You want her asleep, 485 00:10:26,865 --> 00:10:28,781 or you want to ask questions? 486 00:10:28,781 --> 00:10:29,865 Mom just pulled up! 487 00:10:29,865 --> 00:10:31,406 Quick, longest straw 488 00:10:29,865 --> 00:10:31,406 goes first with her, 489 00:10:31,406 --> 00:10:32,781 then medium, 490 00:10:31,406 --> 00:10:32,781 then shortest. 491 00:10:32,781 --> 00:10:34,740 - Yes! 492 00:10:32,781 --> 00:10:34,740 - Yes! 493 00:10:32,781 --> 00:10:34,740 - Yes! 494 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,781 That's the short straw. 495 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,781 You're last. 496 00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:38,198 Oh, damn it! 497 00:10:38,198 --> 00:10:40,198 I'm so used to a world 498 00:10:38,198 --> 00:10:40,198 where the smallest size wins. 499 00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:41,865 This sucks, you guys are gonna 500 00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:41,865 use up all of Mom's happy buzz. 501 00:10:41,865 --> 00:10:43,156 Oh, there she is! 502 00:10:41,865 --> 00:10:43,156 She's here! 503 00:10:43,156 --> 00:10:44,823 Hurry! 504 00:10:47,031 --> 00:10:50,156 Cover her up 505 00:10:47,031 --> 00:10:50,156 so Mom can't see. 506 00:10:50,156 --> 00:10:53,823 - There she is! 507 00:10:50,156 --> 00:10:53,823 - There's my beautiful family! 508 00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,865 - Hi, Mom. 509 00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,865 - Hi, Mom. 510 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,073 Wait, why are those shirts 511 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,073 over there? 512 00:10:58,073 --> 00:10:59,823 Oh, sorry. 513 00:10:58,073 --> 00:10:59,823 We didn't finish the laundry. 514 00:10:59,823 --> 00:11:02,031 Oh, well, don't sweat it, 515 00:10:59,823 --> 00:11:02,031 handsome. 516 00:11:02,031 --> 00:11:04,406 Read a paper, 517 00:11:02,031 --> 00:11:04,406 we ain't got problems. 518 00:11:04,406 --> 00:11:07,823 So, Mom, we made you lunch, 519 00:11:04,406 --> 00:11:07,823 but it's so pretty outside. 520 00:11:07,823 --> 00:11:08,948 Let's have a little picnic. 521 00:11:08,948 --> 00:11:11,240 Yeah, I love that idea. 522 00:11:08,948 --> 00:11:11,240 Fun in the sun. 523 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,240 - Have some fun outdoors. 524 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,240 - Life is a picnic. 525 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,948 I'm happy right here. 526 00:11:14,948 --> 00:11:16,615 Okay. 527 00:11:18,281 --> 00:11:19,865 What? 528 00:11:19,865 --> 00:11:21,948 Oh, we're just so nervous 529 00:11:19,865 --> 00:11:21,948 that we overdressed the salad. 530 00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,906 I can't even 531 00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,906 watch you taste it. 532 00:11:23,906 --> 00:11:25,365 Oh, please. 533 00:11:25,365 --> 00:11:28,698 Mmm. 534 00:11:28,698 --> 00:11:30,156 Honey, this is so good. 535 00:11:28,698 --> 00:11:30,156 What ... 536 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,740 Mom, I-I hate to 537 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,740 have to ask you this, 538 00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,490 but would you mind if I missed 539 00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,490 out on our Mother's Day trip? 540 00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:36,823 Oh, no, why? 541 00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:38,906 Well, Bill only gets 542 00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:38,906 one weekend off a month, 543 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:41,115 and he wants to take me 544 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:41,115 to the Grand Canyon. 545 00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:43,240 On a motorcycle. 546 00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:43,240 - What? 547 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,781 Phil, chill. 548 00:11:45,781 --> 00:11:50,031 Sweetie, as your mom, 549 00:11:45,781 --> 00:11:50,031 I know I should say no, 550 00:11:50,031 --> 00:11:51,281 but let's face it, 551 00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:53,365 those books aren't 552 00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:53,365 keeping you warm at night. 553 00:11:53,365 --> 00:11:55,531 Let's get some bugs 554 00:11:53,365 --> 00:11:55,531 in those teeth, huh? 555 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,115 Mom, you are the best. 556 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,115 Thank you so much. 557 00:11:58,115 --> 00:12:01,490 - That is so sweet. 558 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:03,906 Weren't you just 559 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:03,906 wearing jeans? 560 00:12:03,906 --> 00:12:07,865 No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy, 561 00:12:03,906 --> 00:12:07,865 my eyes are up here. 562 00:12:07,865 --> 00:12:09,698 - Oh. 563 00:12:09,698 --> 00:12:10,865 What is that sound? 564 00:12:10,865 --> 00:12:12,365 - The house is settling. 565 00:12:10,865 --> 00:12:12,365 - My stomach. 566 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,698 Anyways, things are really good 567 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,698 at work, Mom. 568 00:12:14,698 --> 00:12:15,906 Haley's trying to cut. 569 00:12:15,906 --> 00:12:17,531 I finally realized 570 00:12:15,906 --> 00:12:17,531 how much sacrifice it takes 571 00:12:17,531 --> 00:12:18,656 to have a career. 572 00:12:18,656 --> 00:12:20,448 You know, my boss, like, 573 00:12:18,656 --> 00:12:20,448 she wants me to go with her 574 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,781 on this business trip. 575 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,781 - Mm-hmm. 576 00:12:21,781 --> 00:12:23,781 But it couldn't come 577 00:12:21,781 --> 00:12:23,781 at a worse weekend. 578 00:12:23,781 --> 00:12:25,615 Welcome to the struggle, 579 00:12:23,781 --> 00:12:25,615 sister. 580 00:12:25,615 --> 00:12:27,990 - The window's gonna close. 581 00:12:25,615 --> 00:12:27,990 - Window? What ... What window? 582 00:12:27,990 --> 00:12:29,823 Great news. 583 00:12:27,990 --> 00:12:29,823 We moved the box in the garage. 584 00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:32,365 The craziest thing happened ... 585 00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:32,365 - Talk about crazy things. 586 00:12:32,365 --> 00:12:33,865 You know how the Met Ball 587 00:12:32,365 --> 00:12:33,865 is in New York 588 00:12:33,865 --> 00:12:35,781 and how I weigh the same 589 00:12:33,865 --> 00:12:35,781 as a medium-sized dog? 590 00:12:35,781 --> 00:12:37,365 Haley, 591 00:12:35,781 --> 00:12:37,365 the grownups are talking! 592 00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,948 Guys, guys, guys, 593 00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,948 the knots are coming back. 594 00:12:38,948 --> 00:12:40,323 Mom, 595 00:12:38,948 --> 00:12:40,323 I'm bailing on our trip! 596 00:12:40,323 --> 00:12:42,115 I made Dad play and we flew 597 00:12:40,323 --> 00:12:42,115 our drone into your face! 598 00:12:42,115 --> 00:12:44,656 A man named Nigel Pickles may 599 00:12:42,115 --> 00:12:44,656 have our bank account numbers! 600 00:12:44,656 --> 00:12:46,781 - I'm gonna go. 601 00:12:44,656 --> 00:12:46,781 - Stop! 602 00:12:46,781 --> 00:12:49,531 Sit down! 603 00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:52,448 Clearly, you all have 604 00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:52,448 bad news to tell me. 605 00:12:52,448 --> 00:12:54,990 But do you have to dump it on me 606 00:12:52,448 --> 00:12:54,990 when I'm in a good mood? 607 00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:58,531 Oh, my God, you did! 608 00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:58,531 That's what the window is! 609 00:12:58,531 --> 00:13:01,656 The one hour a month when 610 00:12:58,531 --> 00:13:01,656 I am a human to you people. 611 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:02,781 Sometimes it's longer. 612 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:04,323 Let me tell you 613 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:04,323 something. 614 00:13:04,323 --> 00:13:05,948 You debutantes 615 00:13:04,323 --> 00:13:05,948 have it easy. 616 00:13:05,948 --> 00:13:08,365 You wouldn't have survived 617 00:13:05,948 --> 00:13:08,365 one day 618 00:13:08,365 --> 00:13:09,823 in the house 619 00:13:08,365 --> 00:13:09,823 where I grew up, 620 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,115 where an actual crazy person 621 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,115 was running the show. 622 00:13:13,115 --> 00:13:15,823 - Um, Claire ... 623 00:13:13,115 --> 00:13:15,823 - The guilting, the shaming, 624 00:13:15,823 --> 00:13:17,865 the number of times I heard 625 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,531 "Where did I go wrong with you?" 626 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,531 - Where did I go wrong with you? 627 00:13:20,531 --> 00:13:21,656 Mom. 628 00:13:21,656 --> 00:13:22,948 Mom, Nana's here. 629 00:13:22,948 --> 00:13:24,865 Yeah. I'm sorry. 630 00:13:24,865 --> 00:13:26,948 Save it. 631 00:13:24,865 --> 00:13:26,948 I know where I'm not wanted. 632 00:13:26,948 --> 00:13:29,073 And no, I'm not trying to 633 00:13:26,948 --> 00:13:29,073 guilt you. 634 00:13:29,073 --> 00:13:30,906 I can't waste the energy 635 00:13:29,073 --> 00:13:30,906 on that, 636 00:13:30,906 --> 00:13:33,406 as I am 637 00:13:30,906 --> 00:13:33,406 basically homeless 638 00:13:33,406 --> 00:13:36,698 now that my marriage 639 00:13:33,406 --> 00:13:36,698 has unraveled. 640 00:13:37,823 --> 00:13:40,198 - Claire ... 641 00:13:37,823 --> 00:13:40,198 - No! 642 00:13:40,198 --> 00:13:42,698 No! We are going to 643 00:13:40,198 --> 00:13:42,698 sit here in silence 644 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:46,115 until it is my turn 645 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:46,115 to storm out. 646 00:13:47,823 --> 00:13:49,948 No drinking! 647 00:13:49,948 --> 00:13:50,906 For you. 648 00:13:53,281 --> 00:13:55,656 If Mom starts to think 649 00:13:53,281 --> 00:13:55,656 the monster sounds familiar, 650 00:13:55,656 --> 00:13:57,531 I say we tell her 651 00:13:55,656 --> 00:13:57,531 it's Stella barking. 652 00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,865 And hurt Stella's feelings? 653 00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,865 Think! 654 00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:04,948 Dede? 655 00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:04,948 What are you doing here? 656 00:14:04,948 --> 00:14:06,823 Our children 657 00:14:04,948 --> 00:14:06,823 are horrible. 658 00:14:06,823 --> 00:14:09,406 I'm sorry to barge in. 659 00:14:09,406 --> 00:14:11,990 Oh. 660 00:14:09,406 --> 00:14:11,990 Gloria's holding a soirée. 661 00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,990 I should go. 662 00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:16,406 You will do 663 00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:16,406 no such thing. 664 00:14:16,406 --> 00:14:18,615 You come with me, 665 00:14:16,406 --> 00:14:18,615 young lady. 666 00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:19,865 She was the perfect 667 00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:19,865 secret weapon. 668 00:14:19,865 --> 00:14:21,823 We send her upstairs 669 00:14:19,865 --> 00:14:21,823 to freshen up, 670 00:14:21,823 --> 00:14:23,990 just before the movie starts, 671 00:14:21,823 --> 00:14:23,990 we drop the Dede bomb. 672 00:14:23,990 --> 00:14:25,990 Gloria's flustered, 673 00:14:23,990 --> 00:14:25,990 off her game, 674 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,906 she doesn't even 675 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,906 pay attention to the film. 676 00:14:27,906 --> 00:14:29,615 You still got it. 677 00:14:29,615 --> 00:14:30,948 And to think 678 00:14:29,615 --> 00:14:30,948 I was worried last night 679 00:14:30,948 --> 00:14:32,781 when you kept trying to turn on 680 00:14:30,948 --> 00:14:32,781 your phone flashlight 681 00:14:32,781 --> 00:14:36,531 and ended up taking 30 pictures 682 00:14:32,781 --> 00:14:36,531 of your angry face. 683 00:14:36,531 --> 00:14:40,281 There they are, 684 00:14:36,531 --> 00:14:40,281 my handsome movie makers. 685 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,781 What are you wearing? 686 00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:44,365 What are you wearing? 687 00:14:44,365 --> 00:14:46,490 What are you wearing? 688 00:14:46,490 --> 00:14:48,281 Whatever I want. 689 00:14:48,281 --> 00:14:49,948 Okay, I just found out 690 00:14:48,281 --> 00:14:49,948 that my mother 691 00:14:49,948 --> 00:14:51,865 has been secretly controlling 692 00:14:49,948 --> 00:14:51,865 every decision we've ever made, 693 00:14:51,865 --> 00:14:54,073 so we are taking 694 00:14:51,865 --> 00:14:54,073 our lives back. 695 00:14:54,073 --> 00:14:56,365 She thinks this color washes me 696 00:14:54,073 --> 00:14:56,365 out. Well, guess what? 697 00:14:56,365 --> 00:14:58,740 - She was right? 698 00:14:56,365 --> 00:14:58,740 - You match the carpet. 699 00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:00,281 Use more teeth 700 00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:00,281 when you talk, 701 00:15:00,281 --> 00:15:02,073 because 702 00:15:00,281 --> 00:15:02,073 I'm losing your whole face. 703 00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:03,698 Okay, 704 00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:03,698 pay them no never mind. 705 00:15:03,698 --> 00:15:05,365 Uh, she also implied 706 00:15:03,698 --> 00:15:05,365 15 years ago 707 00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,490 that Cam's accent was trashy, 708 00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,490 so that's also happening. 709 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:09,781 Yep, and it came 710 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:09,781 right back to me 711 00:15:09,781 --> 00:15:11,906 like a cheatin' husband 712 00:15:09,781 --> 00:15:11,906 on his rent day. 713 00:15:11,906 --> 00:15:14,740 Grab yourselves a drink. 714 00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:16,073 Sorry I'm late. 715 00:15:16,073 --> 00:15:17,156 What the hell? 716 00:15:17,156 --> 00:15:19,115 Does no one know what 717 00:15:19,115 --> 00:15:21,740 "upscale cocktail Hollywood 718 00:15:19,115 --> 00:15:21,740 glamour fabulous" means? 719 00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,698 - Hello. 720 00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:23,698 - Gloria. 721 00:15:23,698 --> 00:15:25,365 No, I don't. I'm sorry. 722 00:15:23,698 --> 00:15:25,365 I had to run off some rage. 723 00:15:25,365 --> 00:15:28,698 Mitchell, you're a lawyer. 724 00:15:25,365 --> 00:15:28,698 Can I divorce my whole family? 725 00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:31,198 Are you even facing me 726 00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:31,198 right now? 727 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,990 Tarnation, here comes your kin! 728 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,990 Git! Git! 729 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,990 Oh! 730 00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:36,656 Sorry, I'm still 731 00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:36,656 working on the balance. 732 00:15:36,656 --> 00:15:39,740 Oh, there's Mom. 733 00:15:36,656 --> 00:15:39,740 Luke, turn your cute on. 734 00:15:40,823 --> 00:15:43,781 There's my Sheriff. 735 00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:46,156 Go. I want to take a picture 736 00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:46,156 with the poster. 737 00:15:46,156 --> 00:15:48,031 I'm sorry, I'm not really 738 00:15:46,156 --> 00:15:48,031 in a place ... 739 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:50,490 Pose. 740 00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:52,031 Ow! 741 00:15:53,365 --> 00:15:54,948 Mitchell? 742 00:15:54,948 --> 00:15:57,365 Sorry, I didn't see you 743 00:15:54,948 --> 00:15:57,365 against the carpet. 744 00:15:58,615 --> 00:16:01,365 Mommy? 745 00:15:58,615 --> 00:16:01,365 Nope. Not cute anymore. 746 00:15:58,615 --> 00:16:01,365 You're 40. 747 00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:04,031 You know, forgiveness creates 748 00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:04,031 a biochemical reaction that ... 749 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,240 Don't care. 750 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,240 You're up. 751 00:16:08,990 --> 00:16:11,698 You're gone, aren't you? 752 00:16:11,698 --> 00:16:15,906 Okay, everybody, sit down. 753 00:16:11,698 --> 00:16:15,906 It's time to watch the movie! 754 00:16:15,906 --> 00:16:17,073 Is Mom still 755 00:16:15,906 --> 00:16:17,073 at your house? 756 00:16:17,073 --> 00:16:19,656 Oh, no, 757 00:16:17,073 --> 00:16:19,656 she ran off all mad at me. 758 00:16:19,656 --> 00:16:20,865 I guess I'm not getting 759 00:16:20,865 --> 00:16:22,948 a recycled hemp Christmas card 760 00:16:20,865 --> 00:16:22,948 this year. 761 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,281 Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone 762 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,281 to pick with her, too, 763 00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:26,823 for controlling 764 00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:26,823 our entire lives. 765 00:16:26,823 --> 00:16:29,656 Not that it'll matter. We all 766 00:16:26,823 --> 00:16:29,656 know what she's gonna say. 767 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,115 - "Well, forgive me for caring." 768 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,115 - "Well, forgive me for caring." 769 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,115 - Well, forgive me for caring. 770 00:16:32,115 --> 00:16:34,531 - Are you kidding? 771 00:16:32,115 --> 00:16:34,531 - Look who dropped in. 772 00:16:34,531 --> 00:16:36,365 What a surprise. 773 00:16:36,365 --> 00:16:37,740 Let me get you a chair. 774 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,781 Oh, don't bother. 775 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,781 Sitting's the new smoking. 776 00:16:40,781 --> 00:16:41,948 Mom, we need to talk. 777 00:16:41,948 --> 00:16:43,031 Oh, no, no. 778 00:16:43,031 --> 00:16:44,531 Just get in line, 779 00:16:43,031 --> 00:16:44,531 sweetie. 780 00:16:44,531 --> 00:16:48,781 Oh, shoot. Well, family first. 781 00:16:44,531 --> 00:16:48,781 Let's reschedule the premiere. 782 00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:50,365 No. 783 00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:50,365 You will talk later. 784 00:16:50,365 --> 00:16:51,865 Nerd, the lights! 785 00:16:58,448 --> 00:17:00,740 Here comes 786 00:16:58,448 --> 00:17:00,740 the first test. 787 00:17:07,115 --> 00:17:09,906 I can't believe that 788 00:17:07,115 --> 00:17:09,906 Dede is standing up. 789 00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:10,906 Worked like a charm. 790 00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:13,865 I don't know what was 791 00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:13,865 more genius, bringing Dede in, 792 00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:16,240 or hooking the audience early 793 00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:16,240 with some teenage sex. 794 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,365 You were right 795 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,365 to fight for that. 796 00:17:23,531 --> 00:17:24,740 This is my big scene. 797 00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:25,990 Big whoop. 798 00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:29,448 Everybody, stop! 799 00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,240 We're better than this. 800 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:37,990 So let's just 801 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:37,990 think about that! 802 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,115 I don't know if 803 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,115 I was being oversensitive 804 00:17:40,115 --> 00:17:43,490 because of my situation with 805 00:17:40,115 --> 00:17:43,490 Claire, but that editing stung. 806 00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:47,240 My huge speech, a fight with 807 00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:47,240 the townspeople, all gone. 808 00:17:48,865 --> 00:17:51,115 I'll never forget you. 809 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,781 Bravo bravo! 810 00:17:55,781 --> 00:17:57,156 All right, then. 811 00:17:57,156 --> 00:18:00,240 - Yeah. 812 00:17:57,156 --> 00:18:00,240 - Very nice. 813 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,865 Fine filmmaking, Manuel. 814 00:18:01,865 --> 00:18:03,656 You really got to 815 00:18:01,865 --> 00:18:03,656 something visceral. 816 00:18:03,656 --> 00:18:05,865 I feel like 817 00:18:03,656 --> 00:18:05,865 I've met that monster. 818 00:18:05,865 --> 00:18:08,031 No, no, no. It's all fiction. 819 00:18:05,865 --> 00:18:08,031 Now let's go eat. 820 00:18:08,031 --> 00:18:09,615 No, you know what, 821 00:18:08,031 --> 00:18:09,615 that scream 822 00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:11,531 actually sounded 823 00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:11,531 somehow familiar. 824 00:18:11,531 --> 00:18:12,656 - Yeah, it did, didn't it? 825 00:18:11,531 --> 00:18:12,656 - Yeah. 826 00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:15,865 Stella, no! No! 827 00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:15,865 Out, out, out! I'll kill you! 828 00:18:17,823 --> 00:18:18,906 Oh. 829 00:18:18,906 --> 00:18:20,031 What? 830 00:18:21,781 --> 00:18:25,281 You made me 831 00:18:21,781 --> 00:18:25,281 into your monster! 832 00:18:25,281 --> 00:18:26,365 Not on purpose. 833 00:18:26,365 --> 00:18:27,823 It's just a bunch 834 00:18:26,365 --> 00:18:27,823 of awful sounds 835 00:18:27,823 --> 00:18:28,823 laid on top of each other. 836 00:18:28,823 --> 00:18:30,615 How is that better? 837 00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:33,406 Well, at least 838 00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:33,406 you were in the film. 839 00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:33,406 Phil! 840 00:18:33,406 --> 00:18:35,573 Well, now that we've reached 841 00:18:33,406 --> 00:18:35,573 the Q&A portion of the evening, 842 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:38,948 I do have a question for Mom, 843 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:38,948 if that's okay with her. 844 00:18:38,948 --> 00:18:40,365 Or do you want to tell Cam 845 00:18:38,948 --> 00:18:40,365 to tell me what to do 846 00:18:40,365 --> 00:18:42,365 and then use reverse psychology 847 00:18:40,365 --> 00:18:42,365 on me? 848 00:18:42,365 --> 00:18:44,448 Mitchell, if you want to 849 00:18:42,365 --> 00:18:44,448 confront me about something, 850 00:18:44,448 --> 00:18:45,781 do it now. 851 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,406 No, I'm ... I'm gonna do it 852 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,406 when I want to do it. 853 00:18:48,406 --> 00:18:52,115 Well, anyway, you look lovely 854 00:18:48,406 --> 00:18:52,115 in the salmon suit. 855 00:18:52,115 --> 00:18:53,615 Oh, you know what? 856 00:18:52,115 --> 00:18:53,615 You know what? 857 00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:55,198 Okay, well, how about this? 858 00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:55,198 Huh? 859 00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:58,156 - You realize what she just ... 860 00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:58,156 - I do realize now. 861 00:18:58,156 --> 00:18:59,656 Okay, you two 862 00:18:58,156 --> 00:18:59,656 are being ridiculous. 863 00:18:59,656 --> 00:19:01,448 And if I may come to Mom's 864 00:18:59,656 --> 00:19:01,448 defense for just a moment ... 865 00:19:01,448 --> 00:19:02,781 - Oh, yeah. 866 00:19:01,448 --> 00:19:02,781 - What? 867 00:19:02,781 --> 00:19:03,906 Yes! Yeah, uh-huh, 868 00:19:03,906 --> 00:19:06,948 and not just because I owe her 869 00:19:03,906 --> 00:19:06,948 an apology, which I do. 870 00:19:06,948 --> 00:19:08,781 But, I mean, 871 00:19:06,948 --> 00:19:08,781 do you like your lives? 872 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,198 Are you happy with 873 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,198 the way things turned out? 874 00:19:10,198 --> 00:19:11,406 Instead of blaming Mom 875 00:19:11,406 --> 00:19:13,990 for helping you 876 00:19:11,406 --> 00:19:13,990 make the right choices, 877 00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:15,240 how about thanking her? 878 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,948 You know, it's not so easy to be 879 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,948 the one who always knows best. 880 00:19:19,948 --> 00:19:24,073 In fact, it can make you 881 00:19:19,948 --> 00:19:24,073 a little tense sometimes. 882 00:19:24,073 --> 00:19:27,740 This amazing woman 883 00:19:24,073 --> 00:19:27,740 runs a company, 884 00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:28,906 she runs a family, 885 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:32,115 and you don't show her 886 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:32,115 any appreciation. 887 00:19:32,115 --> 00:19:34,115 Just like you two. 888 00:19:34,115 --> 00:19:36,906 I put you two together 889 00:19:34,115 --> 00:19:36,906 to do this movie 890 00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:39,656 and you turn me into 891 00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:39,656 your devil creature. 892 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:40,906 What do you mean 893 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:40,906 you put us together? 894 00:19:40,906 --> 00:19:43,490 I left Manny's script out 895 00:19:40,906 --> 00:19:43,490 so that you would see it 896 00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:44,698 and you would get involved. 897 00:19:44,698 --> 00:19:47,448 I knew that this movie 898 00:19:44,698 --> 00:19:47,448 was not going to be good 899 00:19:47,448 --> 00:19:50,948 unless I would take 900 00:19:47,448 --> 00:19:50,948 his artsy weirdness 901 00:19:50,948 --> 00:19:52,906 and balance it 902 00:19:50,948 --> 00:19:52,906 with your low-brow, 903 00:19:52,906 --> 00:19:54,865 couch-tomato sensibility. 904 00:19:54,865 --> 00:19:57,656 And that's why 905 00:19:54,865 --> 00:19:57,656 it was so great. 906 00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,490 Gloria, 907 00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,490 I know what you put up with. 908 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,406 I-I was married to Jay. 909 00:20:01,406 --> 00:20:03,906 You are a saint 910 00:20:01,406 --> 00:20:03,906 to stick around. 911 00:20:03,906 --> 00:20:05,531 Especially 912 00:20:03,906 --> 00:20:05,531 with that bosom, 913 00:20:05,531 --> 00:20:07,698 you could get any guy in town. 914 00:20:05,531 --> 00:20:07,698 - Mm-hmm. 915 00:20:07,698 --> 00:20:11,823 So, unfortunately, 916 00:20:07,698 --> 00:20:11,823 this is what families do ... 917 00:20:11,823 --> 00:20:14,823 they turn mothers 918 00:20:11,823 --> 00:20:14,823 into monsters. 919 00:20:14,823 --> 00:20:16,323 - Mom, that's not fair. 920 00:20:14,823 --> 00:20:16,323 - That's not what we're doing. 921 00:20:19,031 --> 00:20:22,281 Everybody stop! 922 00:20:22,281 --> 00:20:23,823 We're better than this. 923 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,406 What are monsters, 924 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,406 but pure, beautiful creatures 925 00:20:27,406 --> 00:20:29,448 we project our fears onto? 926 00:20:29,448 --> 00:20:31,198 And are they even scary, 927 00:20:31,198 --> 00:20:32,906 or are we just too terrified 928 00:20:31,198 --> 00:20:32,906 to look inside 929 00:20:32,906 --> 00:20:35,615 and see the ugliness 930 00:20:32,906 --> 00:20:35,615 and inadequacies in ourselves? 931 00:20:37,115 --> 00:20:39,573 So... 932 00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:41,990 let's just think about that. 933 00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:43,490 Thank you, Phil. 934 00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:44,948 - That's a nice start. 935 00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:44,948 - He's right. 936 00:20:44,948 --> 00:20:47,073 - You're not a monster. 937 00:20:44,948 --> 00:20:47,073 - Mom, we're sorry. 938 00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:48,740 We love you, sweetheart. 939 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:51,490 If Phil had been half that good 940 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:51,490 when we were rollin', 941 00:20:51,490 --> 00:20:52,698 we never would've 942 00:20:51,490 --> 00:20:52,698 cut that speech. 943 00:20:52,698 --> 00:20:54,531 He finally just 944 00:20:52,698 --> 00:20:54,531 trusted the words. 945 00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:59,906 Everybody stop. Oh. 946 00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:59,906 I'm stuck. 947 00:20:59,906 --> 00:21:01,865 Is ... Is this props 948 00:20:59,906 --> 00:21:01,865 or wardrobe? 949 00:21:01,865 --> 00:21:02,906 Cut! 950 00:21:02,906 --> 00:21:04,615 Everybody stop! 951 00:21:04,615 --> 00:21:06,906 Everybody, I can't stop. 952 00:21:06,906 --> 00:21:08,115 Everybody ... 953 00:21:08,115 --> 00:21:09,115 line! 954 00:21:09,115 --> 00:21:11,073 Every body stop. 955 00:21:11,073 --> 00:21:12,906 We're better than this. 956 00:21:12,906 --> 00:21:13,906 That's a cut! 957 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,781 I'm sorry, guys, 958 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,781 I'm not hearing it. 959 00:21:15,781 --> 00:21:17,281 Oh, actually, 960 00:21:15,781 --> 00:21:17,281 I'm at work. 961 00:21:17,281 --> 00:21:18,906 Do you think I could send you 962 00:21:17,281 --> 00:21:18,906 a picture of the rash? 963 00:21:18,906 --> 00:21:20,740 Damn it, Phil, 964 00:21:18,906 --> 00:21:20,740 you're in the shot! 965 00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:23,156 Oh. Oh. 966 00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:25,865 Scoot! 967 00:21:28,740 --> 00:21:31,740 Captions by VITAC :