Daddies will miss you both
so much! Have the best time!
- Bye, honey.
- Ohh.
There's a box out here
marked fruit of the month.
I'm assuming that means
one of you won a contest.
So,
Pam's moving back home
after living in our upstairs
unit for like three years.
Uh, okay, it's been
a year and nine days,
and she chopped us
all that wood.
Plus, she's taking Lily back
to see my parents.
It's birthing season so
she gets to name her first pig.
Oh, and then we slaughter it
on her 13th birthday.
There's prayers
and dancing.
It's not unlike
your standard bar mitzvah.
Except a lot more pork
and a lot less Jews.
Anyway, we're excited to have
the house to ourselves again.
♪ Naked breakfast,
Just ignore it.
I knew you two would
keep the side door unlocked.
What would you do
if I were a deranged psychopath?
I'd probably start with, "Hi,
Mom, what are you doing here?"
Jerry and I
had a terrible row!
Ohh.
Well, put on some pants
so we can hug.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Back to back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why didn't we
just back out?
I don't know, but we're already
committed to this.
Okay, last run.
And then we clean up
or your mom will be mad.
Hang on. Here we go.
And go!
- Nice job.
Keep her steady.
- Okay.
- Got this.
- Oh!
- No!
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
I recently sat for
my Pritchett's Closets
presidential portrait.
It's a dumb tradition
my dad started,
but I kind of love
the way mine turned out.
At least it's more understated
than his.
The colors are muted
and I am not wearing a sash
and service revolver.
We're dead.
We never should have
played with ...
Where is the drone?
Did you turn it off?
I was asleep.
Wow,
this place looks dynamite.
I wanted to give Manny
a nice premiere for his movie.
He's been in such a dry spell
creatively.
That modern dance recital
was like...
Ugh, I couldn't even
look at that leotard.
Okay, yeah,
he's a terrible dancer,
but you don't have to
use that word.
For my film class, I wrote
and directed a short.
I felt the horror genre was
the best way to grapple with
the struggles of our time.
When Manny first came to me
with the project...
You read a script I left out
and you elbowed your way in.
Semantics.
I was gonna be the silent money.
But it turns out I've got some
natural storytelling talent,
so I took on
a more creative role.
In spite of that,
I got my first "A."
Our first "A."
I can't deal with my mother's
marriage drama right now.
Nobody gets the love-lorn
back on their feet
and out the door
faster than we do.
We'll just trot out our ...
our trusty "heartbreak kit."
Is that in the closet
next to the earthquake kit?
And the Eartha Kitt.
Did you put those all in the
same place just to delight me?
- I did.
- Aww.
So, you have wine,
a self-help book,
a-a pillow shaped like
the platonic ideal
of a male torso for cuddling
and/or punching...
And a DVD we made for you called
the "Donna Summer Olympics."
It's a compilation of
all the sexiest male athletes
accompanied by
the high queen of disco.
Oh, you boys.
So sensitive
to a woman's needs.
Unlike Jerry.
Did I tell you that his mother
is living with us?
Yeah, no discussion.
She just shows up
with her birds.
Well, you know, Mom,
relationships take sacrifice.
I mean, when Cam's sister Pam
moved in,
it w... it was hard on me.
I-I was constantly worried about
the lost money
on the upstairs rental and...
You know, Mitchell, maybe
we shouldn't discuss money.
It can be
a bit unseemly.
I wasn't planning on
being unseemly,
a word I've never heard you
use before.
I-I'm simply saying
how stressful
having a long-term house guest
can be and...
Oh.
Oh, sweetie,
yeah, take a breath.
Oh, my ... Oh, my ... Oh, my God.
No. No.
You used to do this
when I was young.
Did you get this move
from my mother?
Mitchell, there is no reason for
this uns... um, high-temper ...
Unseemly!
You were gonna say "unseemly"!
Unseemly!
You stole that word from her.
Okay, okay, okay.
W-What's going on here?
Are you two, um...
friends?
Yes.
We talk on the phone,
e-mail, exchange recipes.
Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've
been eating so much quinoa?
- It's a super-food.
Okay, okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Come on.
Okay, no reason to lie about it,
'cause I already know.
How long have you been
involved with this woman?
Can I ask a question?
Is there a chance you're just
kind of making this
all about Mitchell?
That's her.
Your mouth is moving,
but that is her talking.
Okay, don't you see
what's happening?
She's manipulating you
to manipulate me.
Don't you think I'm smart enough
to know if I'm being used?
I also have a mom.
You're out of your league here,
bumpkin!
Okay,
this is a city mother!
Wow. What happened to
the seemly man I married?
You can't use it like that.
Okay,
how's it looking?
Not bad.
Who would've thought
Mom and Teddy Roosevelt
were identical
front-teeth twins?
Okay, just give me a quick
minute to dry the glue.
Oh, can you throw that shirt
on a hanger for me, actually?
I need to look sharp for
Manny's premiere tonight.
I play the Sheriff,
which is ironic
because I steal
every scene I'm in.
Dad, no! It's melting!
ZZ Top!
I've ruined your mother.
Wait a second.
Today's your mom's
monthly spa day.
I'm not following.
Afterwards,
th-there's a brief window
when she's at her most relaxed
and understanding.
It's the best time
to give her bad news.
I was gonna tell her
about the $500
I wired to that stranded
British guy on the phone,
but this seems
more important.
Hi. Is Mom home?
Honey, you look nice.
Why?
Did I hear Mom?
Wait, you're dressed
like a girl.
No! You are not
using the window.
You got the last one!
Did everyone know
about this window?
You guys need it too?
For what?
Oh, wow. It is not easy
doing something that dumb.
Yeah,
this is why men are over.
I hope you enjoyed
the last 10,000 years.
Listen, I have to bail on our
trip with Mom for Mother's Day.
No! I have to bail,
you have to go!
She cried
when we asked her.
But my boss invited me
to the Met Ball.
Her therapy dog got the flu,
so I get to fly first class.
Well, on her lap.
But Bill wants to
take me away.
This is the first time
I've had a boyfriend
who's not spending Mother's Day
watching "Driving Miss Daisy"
and pulling gray hairs
out of a hairbrush.
Three asks in one window,
it's unprecedented.
If we're gonna pull this off,
we're gonna have to make this
the most relaxing environment
she's ever walked into.
Surprise!
- Nana!
- Dede!
I'm sorry to barge in.
I was visiting
Mitch and Cam.
There's some tension
over there.
Well,
where's my daughter?
I don't hear any
cooking or cleaning sounds
so I assume she's home.
Dad, what do we do?
Mitchell must've brought her.
Maybe he's still out ...
Coward!
Oh, just in time.
"Chapter Five ...
Toss that clown,
he's been
keeping you down."
Cam,
I spent my whole life
trying to get out from
underneath my mother's thumb,
and I-I finally thought that
that was over.
So to find out
that she's been
secretly managing me
through you ...
Okay,
before you throw a clot,
please,
come look at my laptop.
Read the e-mails
your mother and I have sent.
743 e-mails!
It's mostly from one thread.
Okay, look what she says
in this one.
Mm-hmm.
"Some kitchen items
you might like."
Mm-hmm.
- The stove, the tiles...
- What?
the ... the ... the folksy sign
on the wall, Cam!
You said that
these were your ideas.
D-Don't you see
she incepted you
and ... and designed
our whole kitchen?
It was all so diabolical,
and it went deep.
She tricked us into making
every decision in our lives.
For example, 12 years ago,
she sent me pictures of
adorable Asian babies.
While hitting me with
a little reverse psychology.
"Mitchell, America has taken
so much from the Vietnamese,
do you really want to
snatch one of their children?"
I do
if you don't want me to!
Oh, my God, 2004?
Th-That's a year into
our relationship.
"Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you
living all alone
in that tiny apartment
with a broken ankle."
And on the same day,
she's e-mailing you,
"It's too soon
to move in with someone.
I strongly discourage it."
Which is exactly
why I did it.
And because
you love me so much.
And because we were in love.
Are in love. Yes.
Oh, my God.
- Mitchell.
She's everywhere.
- She is.
Cam.
I'm scared.
Jay, you're abusing my editor.
- Wait, stop. Back it up.
No, no.
The movie's done.
We can't keep arguing
about this!
Don't we both want to
cut the sheriff?
Yes! He stinks on ice!
But it hurts the story if we
don't stay on him long enough
in the closet to see
the terror on his face!
You just want to see the
Pritchett's Closets emblem
next to his head!
No, no, no, not again!
The red carpet that
they sent me is orange,
and they keep
putting me on hold.
I never thought
that I could hate
hearing "She Bangs"
over and over.
- You didn't?
- Really?
Manny, give me the movie.
I need to make sure that
the projector is working
and that the picture
is good.
Here, take it.
It's done, anyway.
I don't know
what to do with this.
I'm gonna need to
borrow your nerd.
And why don't you go
get me a tomato juice?
Look, I know we've had
our creative differences,
but I really think
we have a hit on our hands.
I'm pretty proud of it,
too.
And a little nervous
to put it out there.
'Cause you made the monster
just like Mom?
- No, we didn't.
- What are you talking about?
That noise.
It's what she says all the time.
She's coming!
Stella, no! Out, out!
I'll kill you!
How could this happen?
We spent weeks perfecting
the monster's trademark scream
by combining a bunch
of unsettling noises.
Horror movies
are all about the sound.
Particularly when your
special effects budget
has been repurposed
for an on-set massage chair.
Hey, you used it
just as much as I did.
So, our monster sounds like
your mother screaming?
But we didn't know that
before we put it in, right?
- No, of course not, we love her.
- To the moon.
Maybe she won't notice.
We better hope not.
- It's your movie.
She's asleep? How lucky.
Kind of lucky.
She said she was tired
and Haley gave her some... tea.
What was in the tea?
You want her asleep,
or you want to ask questions?
Mom just pulled up!
Quick, longest straw
goes first with her,
then medium,
then shortest.
- Yes!
That's the short straw.
You're last.
Oh, damn it!
I'm so used to a world
where the smallest size wins.
This sucks, you guys are gonna
use up all of Mom's happy buzz.
Oh, there she is!
She's here!
Hurry!
Cover her up
so Mom can't see.
- There she is!
- There's my beautiful family!
- Hi, Mom.
Wait, why are those shirts
over there?
Oh, sorry.
We didn't finish the laundry.
Oh, well, don't sweat it,
handsome.
Read a paper,
we ain't got problems.
So, Mom, we made you lunch,
but it's so pretty outside.
Let's have a little picnic.
Yeah, I love that idea.
Fun in the sun.
- Have some fun outdoors.
- Life is a picnic.
I'm happy right here.
Okay.
What?
Oh, we're just so nervous
that we overdressed the salad.
I can't even
watch you taste it.
Oh, please.
Mmm.
Honey, this is so good.
What ...
Mom, I-I hate to
have to ask you this,
but would you mind if I missed
out on our Mother's Day trip?
Oh, no, why?
Well, Bill only gets
one weekend off a month,
and he wants to take me
to the Grand Canyon.
On a motorcycle.
- What?
Phil, chill.
Sweetie, as your mom,
I know I should say no,
but let's face it,
those books aren't
keeping you warm at night.
Let's get some bugs
in those teeth, huh?
Mom, you are the best.
Thank you so much.
- That is so sweet.
Weren't you just
wearing jeans?
No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy,
my eyes are up here.
- Oh.
What is that sound?
- The house is settling.
- My stomach.
Anyways, things are really good
at work, Mom.
Haley's trying to cut.
I finally realized
how much sacrifice it takes
to have a career.
You know, my boss, like,
she wants me to go with her
on this business trip.
- Mm-hmm.
But it couldn't come
at a worse weekend.
Welcome to the struggle,
sister.
- The window's gonna close.
- Window? What ... What window?
Great news.
We moved the box in the garage.
The craziest thing happened ...
- Talk about crazy things.
You know how the Met Ball
is in New York
and how I weigh the same
as a medium-sized dog?
Haley,
the grownups are talking!
Guys, guys, guys,
the knots are coming back.
Mom,
I'm bailing on our trip!
I made Dad play and we flew
our drone into your face!
A man named Nigel Pickles may
have our bank account numbers!
- I'm gonna go.
- Stop!
Sit down!
Clearly, you all have
bad news to tell me.
But do you have to dump it on me
when I'm in a good mood?
Oh, my God, you did!
That's what the window is!
The one hour a month when
I am a human to you people.
Sometimes it's longer.
Let me tell you
something.
You debutantes
have it easy.
You wouldn't have survived
one day
in the house
where I grew up,
where an actual crazy person
was running the show.
- Um, Claire ...
- The guilting, the shaming,
the number of times I heard
"Where did I go wrong with you?"
- Where did I go wrong with you?
Mom.
Mom, Nana's here.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Save it.
I know where I'm not wanted.
And no, I'm not trying to
guilt you.
I can't waste the energy
on that,
as I am
basically homeless
now that my marriage
has unraveled.
- Claire ...
- No!
No! We are going to
sit here in silence
until it is my turn
to storm out.
No drinking!
For you.
If Mom starts to think
the monster sounds familiar,
I say we tell her
it's Stella barking.
And hurt Stella's feelings?
Think!
Dede?
What are you doing here?
Our children
are horrible.
I'm sorry to barge in.
Oh.
Gloria's holding a soirée.
I should go.
You will do
no such thing.
You come with me,
young lady.
She was the perfect
secret weapon.
We send her upstairs
to freshen up,
just before the movie starts,
we drop the Dede bomb.
Gloria's flustered,
off her game,
she doesn't even
pay attention to the film.
You still got it.
And to think
I was worried last night
when you kept trying to turn on
your phone flashlight
and ended up taking 30 pictures
of your angry face.
There they are,
my handsome movie makers.
What are you wearing?
Whatever I want.
Okay, I just found out
that my mother
has been secretly controlling
every decision we've ever made,
so we are taking
our lives back.
She thinks this color washes me
out. Well, guess what?
- She was right?
- You match the carpet.
Use more teeth
when you talk,
because
I'm losing your whole face.
Okay,
pay them no never mind.
Uh, she also implied
15 years ago
that Cam's accent was trashy,
so that's also happening.
Yep, and it came
right back to me
like a cheatin' husband
on his rent day.
Grab yourselves a drink.
Sorry I'm late.
What the hell?
Does no one know what
"upscale cocktail Hollywood
glamour fabulous" means?
- Hello.
- Gloria.
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
I had to run off some rage.
Mitchell, you're a lawyer.
Can I divorce my whole family?
Are you even facing me
right now?
Tarnation, here comes your kin!
Git! Git!
Oh!
Sorry, I'm still
working on the balance.
Oh, there's Mom.
Luke, turn your cute on.
There's my Sheriff.
Go. I want to take a picture
with the poster.
I'm sorry, I'm not really
in a place ...
Pose.
Ow!
Mitchell?
Sorry, I didn't see you
against the carpet.
Mommy?
Nope. Not cute anymore.
You're 40.
You know, forgiveness creates
a biochemical reaction that ...
Don't care.
You're up.
You're gone, aren't you?
Okay, everybody, sit down.
It's time to watch the movie!
Is Mom still
at your house?
Oh, no,
she ran off all mad at me.
I guess I'm not getting
a recycled hemp Christmas card
this year.
Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone
to pick with her, too,
for controlling
our entire lives.
Not that it'll matter. We all
know what she's gonna say.
- "Well, forgive me for caring."
- Well, forgive me for caring.
- Are you kidding?
- Look who dropped in.
What a surprise.
Let me get you a chair.
Oh, don't bother.
Sitting's the new smoking.
Mom, we need to talk.
Oh, no, no.
Just get in line,
sweetie.
Oh, shoot. Well, family first.
Let's reschedule the premiere.
No.
You will talk later.
Nerd, the lights!
Here comes
the first test.
I can't believe that
Dede is standing up.
Worked like a charm.
I don't know what was
more genius, bringing Dede in,
or hooking the audience early
with some teenage sex.
You were right
to fight for that.
This is my big scene.
Big whoop.
Everybody, stop!
We're better than this.
So let's just
think about that!
I don't know if
I was being oversensitive
because of my situation with
Claire, but that editing stung.
My huge speech, a fight with
the townspeople, all gone.
I'll never forget you.
Bravo bravo!
All right, then.
- Yeah.
- Very nice.
Fine filmmaking, Manuel.
You really got to
something visceral.
I feel like
I've met that monster.
No, no, no. It's all fiction.
Now let's go eat.
No, you know what,
that scream
actually sounded
somehow familiar.
- Yeah, it did, didn't it?
- Yeah.
Stella, no! No!
Out, out, out! I'll kill you!
Oh.
What?
You made me
into your monster!
Not on purpose.
It's just a bunch
of awful sounds
laid on top of each other.
How is that better?
Well, at least
you were in the film.
Phil!
Well, now that we've reached
the Q&A portion of the evening,
I do have a question for Mom,
if that's okay with her.
Or do you want to tell Cam
to tell me what to do
and then use reverse psychology
on me?
Mitchell, if you want to
confront me about something,
do it now.
No, I'm ... I'm gonna do it
when I want to do it.
Well, anyway, you look lovely
in the salmon suit.
Oh, you know what?
You know what?
Okay, well, how about this?
Huh?
- You realize what she just ...
- I do realize now.
Okay, you two
are being ridiculous.
And if I may come to Mom's
defense for just a moment ...
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
Yes! Yeah, uh-huh,
and not just because I owe her
an apology, which I do.
But, I mean,
do you like your lives?
Are you happy with
the way things turned out?
Instead of blaming Mom
for helping you
make the right choices,
how about thanking her?
You know, it's not so easy to be
the one who always knows best.
In fact, it can make you
a little tense sometimes.
This amazing woman
runs a company,
she runs a family,
and you don't show her
any appreciation.
Just like you two.
I put you two together
to do this movie
and you turn me into
your devil creature.
What do you mean
you put us together?
I left Manny's script out
so that you would see it
and you would get involved.
I knew that this movie
was not going to be good
unless I would take
his artsy weirdness
and balance it
with your low-brow,
couch-tomato sensibility.
And that's why
it was so great.
Gloria,
I know what you put up with.
I-I was married to Jay.
You are a saint
to stick around.
Especially
with that bosom,
you could get any guy in town.
- Mm-hmm.
So, unfortunately,
this is what families do ...
they turn mothers
into monsters.
- Mom, that's not fair.
- That's not what we're doing.
Everybody stop!
We're better than this.
What are monsters,
but pure, beautiful creatures
we project our fears onto?
And are they even scary,
or are we just too terrified
to look inside
and see the ugliness
and inadequacies in ourselves?
So...
let's just think about that.
Thank you, Phil.
- That's a nice start.
- He's right.
- You're not a monster.
- Mom, we're sorry.
We love you, sweetheart.
If Phil had been half that good
when we were rollin',
we never would've
cut that speech.
He finally just
trusted the words.
Everybody stop. Oh.
I'm stuck.
Is ... Is this props
or wardrobe?
Cut!
Everybody stop!
Everybody, I can't stop.
Everybody ...
line!
Every body stop.
We're better than this.
That's a cut!
I'm sorry, guys,
I'm not hearing it.
Oh, actually,
I'm at work.
Do you think I could send you
a picture of the rash?
Damn it, Phil,
you're in the shot!
Oh. Oh.
Scoot!
Captions by VITAC :