Didn't you
just cut his hair?
Yes, but it's his kindergarten
graduation party today.
Okay, no messy goodbyes,
I'm out of here.
Ay, papi,
I'm going to miss you.
Can you at least stay for the
party that I'm making for Joe?
Mom,
Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me
to get her car to Delaware
by Friday at noon.
I already lost an hour
looking for my driving gloves.
You're plowing through
the heartlands
in an inchworm-green Camry
with a bumper sticker that says
"Meat is Murder."
I hid these gloves
for a reason.
Listen, uh, we weren't kidding
about you being careful.
And, uh, not to get dramatic,
keep your wits about you.
Here.
What the hell is that?
It's an air freshener.
What does it look like?
I'm going on
the Martha Stewart
bed-and-breakfast
tour of America,
not an Aboriginal
manhood quest.
I'm not saying
you're gonna need it,
just better safe
than sorry.
Slash, don't stab.
Uh ...
Stop wiggling.
I'm almost done.
Why'd you gasp?
Ah!
My hair is my identity!
Uh, Cam? Uh, turns out I have to
do that work thing after all.
I'll meet you
at Joe's party?
Oh, okay. Cal, come give your
Uncle Mitchell a hug.
Hug!
No. No, no hug.
No ... where is he?
Which way is he coming from?
Coming from?
Ahhh!
Cam's sister's son
is staying with us
because, well, you know,
she's back in jail.
But she didn't do
anything terrible.
She just didn't understand
the rules of her probation
from last time, when ...
When she did something
a little terrible.
But we're taking
baby Cal
back to live with my parents
on the farm.
Which is a good thing
because he's not really a ...
a house baby.
No, no, he's freakishly strong
and off the charts size-wise.
On the charts.
99th percentile.
He has two teeth and I've seen
him eat a whole chicken.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I got to go.
Wait, where's my hug?
- Hug!
- Go! Go! Save yourself!
Ohh. Yep.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey!
Our costumes are in the back.
Phil and I
are going to Hero-Con
to indulge in our love
of fantasy fiction.
Um, I-I've always
wanted to go,
but I-it's a little
nerd-forward,
and I was always afraid
my family would make fun of me.
So I've asked Phil
to keep it between us.
That's why we chose
our secret warrior signal.
My first suggestion
was to blow a Viking horn.
Don't ever Google that,
by the way.
I already did.
This year, there's a panel,
um, on our favorite show,
Clash of Swords.
It's got a lot of graphic
violence and female nudity,
but that's
part of its appeal
to the fierce warrior
inside every man.
My eyeliner
keeps smudging.
Thanks a lot,
gal at the MAC counter.
Who cares?
We look great.
Let's do this!
Just remember we left our trusty
steed in section 22B.
I can't do it, Phil.
Oh, okay.
I can write it down.
No, no. I-I-I thought
I was ready, but I'm not.
I'm not. I-I've fantasized
so long about coming,
and now that ... that we're here,
I am...
I'm mortified, okay?
I'm a 40-year-old man.
No, you're not.
You're a 390-year-old
Highland Norph,
and you're walking in
with a lifer.
This baby gets us all-access
and two free yards of mead.
Through those doors
lies your destiny.
What's the Galderean word
for "bravery"?
Lochtani.
- Again!
- Lochtani.
Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!
Have you seen Margaret?
I need her to
clear my day.
I just found out you can get
the Golf Channel online.
Nope,
she's out sick again.
Oh, Dad, don't forget
we're about to meet with
those guys
from that start-up.
Oh, right,
aspiring closeteers
seeking advice from
an industry legend.
Yeah, just skip
that part of your speech
where you say
"I didn't choose closets ..."
They chose me!
- Hey...
- Oh.
we didn't know where
to hang up our puffer vests,
so we just dropped them
on some rando's desk.
Hi. You must be the guys
from EzraVision.
Yes, I am Nick.
And these are my guys.
Jay Pritchett,
obviously.
Fellas, take a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
Which one is gonna be holding
the tape recorder?
You know what? Why don't we just
make this quick?
We actually have to go hang out
in a bike shop
that only plays Drake.
So here's our offer,
best and final.
Offer for what?
For your company.
We want to buy you out.
I'm sorry, we thought
that you were here to just,
you know, get information.
Get out of here!
Dad, if you would just
let me speak ...
Who do you think you are,
marching in here like
a bunch of hotshots?
And why is nobody
wearing socks?
Ooh, lower the B.P.,
O.G.
We're actually trying to
do you a favor.
Okay, I think
you have this twisted.
This company has been around
since before you all were born.
Except for maybe him.
How is he part of this?
This guy?
That's our over-40
diversity hire.
Ah.
Listen, we have developed
smart-closet technology
that's gonna make
places like this obsolete.
We are giving you
a chance
to get out
while you're still ahead.
Speaking of which ...
Get out of here!
Okay.
Offer's good for 48 hours.
Two get out of heres?
- Do you believe these punks?
I mean, and what was with
all this eye contact?
In my day, nerds had the decency
to stare at their shoes!
Their website
looks legitimate.
I mean, they've got
some pretty great clients.
Wait a second,
is that Margaret?
She's working there.
They must have poached her.
Brainwashed her,
is what they did.
Margaret is very vulnerable.
I've had to rescue her
a bunch of times
from cults
and an Amway pyramid.
Come on.
Let's get our girl back!
You were all the way
out of the Grand Canyon
before you realized
no one was on my donkey.
But, sure,
let's go save Margaret.
Oh, wow!
Mom, my dinosaur party
looks amazing!
But we're in that room.
Somebody must've done another
dinosaur party right next to us.
Gloria?
Doctor Donna Duncan.
You remember my stepson,
Digby.
He prefers nonverbal
communication.
This is your party?
You see, I saw that
you had signed up
to throw a party
for Miss Jessica's class,
so I thought I'd throw
a little party for Miss Elaine.
It belches fire and then shoots
candy all over the room.
Hey, girl, hey!
I'm not going
on your road trip.
What?
Luke told me that
you've been hounding him
because you don't want to
drive cross-country alone.
Oh, I'm just trying to
do you a favor.
You're going to a conference
in Memphis.
It's only 12 hours
out of my way.
Hey, no need
to be afraid.
Afraid?
Manny, I'm a pretty girl
who wears low-cut tops.
I know what a scared
19-year-old boy looks like.
Dude, you brought a pan flute
to the fifth grade.
You serenade girls who are
way out of your league.
You're a baller.
You got this.
Thanks.
Anytime.
Manny.
Manny, this is kidnapping.
Wow,
this office is huge.
Just placed it.
This used to be
Schweinberg's department store.
Wall of TVs over there.
I almost knocked down
the display of fondue pots
when I saw they were letting
Barbara Walters anchor the news.
Look who's here!
You are not gonna regret
taking our offer.
Let's celebrate.
We're not here to sell.
We're here to
bring Margaret home.
Who's Margaret?
Margie!
Margie-Marge!
How did they get you?
Are you still wandering around
alone in pet stores?
I've told you, that's the kind
of person these cults target!
I like it here.
They have one of those machines
that makes every kind of soda.
But you're diabetic.
And a grown-up.
You know, since you're here, why
don't I show you the new model?
Come here.
Come over here.
Come here.
This is the EzraVision Elitist.
- Ohhh.
- Yeah.
Stand right over there.
Face forward.
Good afternoon, Ezra.
Good afternoon.
How may I help you?
What is that?
Ezra, full body scan.
Here we go.
Scan complete.
Searching wardrobe.
Ha!
Based on today's
weather forecast,
here's your optimal outfit.
Check the label.
- Just my size.
- Yes, it is.
See, this is the future
of closets ...
automated, intelligent ...
That's what they said about
the "mood closet" in the '70s,
and I buried them.
- Very cranky.
Yes, but he has earned
the right to be cranky,
because my father is a giant
in this industry,
and he had to skip his ice-cream
sandwich today to come here.
Nick,
it's time for laser tag.
Yes!
You know what?
No matter how it shakes out,
you can keep the pants.
Those are on me.
Let's go!
Let's get the hell
out of here.
Hang on, Dad.
I...
I don't like these dorks
any more than you do,
but they might be
onto something.
What are you saying?
Do you want to sell?
No, I was thinking
more of a merger.
I did some digging,
and they are two years behind
on production.
They need
our manufacturing,
and frankly,
we need their technology.
Nope, not gonna happen.
End of conversation.
Really?
Oh.
I-I'm having
a business discussion.
I am not negotiating
a new bedtime.
I'm not taking on
an outside partner.
Oh, I get it, 'cause you're not
very good with partners.
I mean, you put me in charge,
like, nine times,
but if it's
an important decision,
I should just shut up.
Well, I can't help it
if I have a sixth sense
about this business.
Closets chose me!
Oh, my gosh!
Hey!
It's going great
over there, huh?
What's this?
Are these kids in trouble?
That's a different,
fancier party than this.
The only fun thing I have is
that pyramid made out of ...
Ay, Cam, look what your
giant baby nephew did!
Yeah, but you know,
it's not his fault.
He's three times the size
of a child his age.
And you know what,
some Tucker boys
have a young growth spurt
that's no picnic.
I had to go to court
to play Little League.
Cameron, sweetie!
I thought
I heard your voice
cutting through the joyless
silence of this...
I want to say party,
but I'm afraid
it will sound sarcastic.
You guys are friends?
Uh, well, we go to
the same blowout parlor, yeah.
Wait a minute, did you
pay for my Belizian blowout
just so I would shout
the details of Gloria's party
so you could outdo her?
Oh, look at you
catching on.
Kids,
sorry to wake you.
But I'm gonna leave
these wristbands here
in case any of you want to
come ride our roller coaster.
The mechanical kind,
not the emotional one
you've been on
since you came through
these doors.
Get out of here!
Not you, not you,
not you.
Oh, God, this is worse
than I thought.
There are
so many eyes on me.
I mean, yes, sure,
less because of all
the cyclopses, but still.
You can do this.
Elf up.
My two favorite Rhine maidens!
Linda! Karen!
Sold them a duplex.
Sweet home Alduzzarna,
it's The Foolmaker from
Clash of Swords season five!
I'm only on season three.
I-I feel lost. Help me.
Oh, okay.
During the Feast of Figs,
the Forest Prince
banished Migolaf the Wanderer
to the outer reaches
of The Forsaken Realm.
Migolaf waylaid
the Iguodalan Dwarves
and cursed the high cleric to
an eternity of feeble-mindedness
using the mighty scepter
known as...
Oh, my God.
The Foolmaker.
I got to get a selfie.
H'oww!
- Ooh, careful! Careful!
Oh, boy. Okay.
Good thing
it's not the real one
or I'd be cursed to
spend the rest of my days
as a bumbling idiot.
Aw, are you gonna have
a little porridge maiden
or a little warrior?
I'm not pregnant,
dipwad.
Phil,
why would you say that?
I don't know,
it just came out.
I mean, The Foolmaker ...
You're not cursed, okay?
It's a prop. It's not real.
All right.
The panel's this way.
Hey, man.
Sick scale armor!
Oh, really? You think so?
It's not too much with the cape?
I wanted something that would
go from feast to battle.
- Crushed it.
- Yes!
Oh, we're about to take our
annual Norph group photo.
You coming?
- Yes, yes!
Phil,
we're taking a pic...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I lost my friend.
Hey, most of us come alone.
You don't have to pretend.
I ... Th...
Oh, great,
the Q&A's just starting.
Mitch?
That's a very,
very good question...
- Mitchell?
- ... and the answer to that is...
Scary ogre teeth.
Where'd you get those?
I'm guessing
my birth parents.
I'm so sorry.
Why can't I just
shut up?
Sorry,
was I going on too long?
I didn't ...
You're Joel L.L. Logan.
What's your question,
friend?
- Oh, uh...
- Don't be shy.
I may have
created this kingdom,
but we're all
fellow heirs to it.
Isn't that right?
In that case,
Mr. Logan...
Uh, I read on a fan page
there's gonna be a Mozgovian
uprising in the season finale
that'll wipe out
the entire ruling class,
including the gruesome beheading
of Adebayo the Righteous.
Um...
Wait, a-are you ...
are you gonna kill Adebayo?
What?
No, no.
Who's ... Who ... Who's Adebayo?
Oh, dear lord.
It is true.
You fool!
Why would you ask him that?
We all stay off of spoiler sites
for a reason!
This show is the only thing I've
got going on, and you ruined it!
Ohh! Ow!
They let you bring
your spheres?
They took away my tweezers!
Manny?
This is the check
Mrs. Nussbaum gave me
to drive her car
to Delaware.
It's yours
if you come with me.
- Okay.
- Wait, what?
Well, Haley already warned me
you'd be asking,
and I thought, "Sure."
My favorite research institute
is on the way.
And I could bring my windsock
and barometer
for that new weather modeling
project I've been noodling with.
Huh.
I couldn't help noticing a lot
of loose hairs on your pillow
and a stack of
fully completed Sudoku books.
Weren't you supposed to be
taking it easy this summer?
No school,
no projects ...
Yeah, I'm loving it.
What are the chances
I open your dresser
and find a calendar
with three X'd out days
and a giant red circle around
the date school starts again?
You don't know me.
Look, you're facing a challenge
that scares you,
but you know in your heart
you need to take it on
because
it'll help you grow
and become a stronger,
more balanced person.
Ugh.
Of course I know you're right,
but it's hard!
People are out there
discovering planets,
and I'm in here
doing BuzzFeed quizzes.
Like if I were to be a Beatle,
who would I be?
I'd be Ringo.
Who cares, Manny?
Manny?
Whoo-hoo!
I may have lost Phil,
but I found my people.
And the choreography was a snap.
It's basically a river dance,
uh, crossed with the hora.
I bring news
from the Catalina Room!
A dark shadow has fallen
upon the kingdom.
The gods will not
be pleased by this ...
Just get to it, Gary!
Some dingus
just spoiled the finale!
This shall not
go unpunished!
Let's get him!
Where have you been?
I've been waiting forever.
I was angry.
I needed to take a walk
so I could forget
how pigheaded you can be.
You want to
take another lap?
Dad, I am right
about this.
Eventually Nick is gonna figure
out how to keep up with demand,
and then
where are we gonna be?
I know your style has
always been just tough it out
and ...
and beat back every threat ...
That's not it, Claire.
You're right.
We can't beat these guys.
A merger's the only
long-term play.
I just don't know
who I am in there.
What?
They're all 25,
zippin' around on their...
The hoverboards?
What's that make me,
the cute old guy?
The mascot?
"Old man Pritchett's
in the men's room.
Let's go watch him cuss out
the automatic faucets again."
Aw, Dad.
I can't promise that
you wouldn't feel old
in that building,
but from the outside
looking in,
I mean, you're the guy
who's holding his own
with kids a third his age.
That makes you like the...
the Tony Bennett of closets.
I told you I took an elevator
with him in Rome, right?
Yeah, you did.
And you know what,
in that building,
there's a bunch of people
who have never
heard that story.
Did he have
a Chihuahua with him?
- A mink.
- A mink?
- A live mink.
- Yeah.
- All class.
- Yeah.
It's just a little
intimidating.
You don't think
they're gonna be scared of you?
Come on.
Dad, look at them.
I don't care what ironic T-shirt
their closets pick out for them.
Underneath,
they're still nerds.
I can't.
Yeah, this might be okay.
I want to see him.
Let me through, let me through!
You're the spoiler?
I didn't do it on purpose!
It was The Foolmaker!
The scepter is a prop,
okay?
It's just
the power of suggestion.
Mitchell, they want to take away
my all-access pass.
You've got to help me.
- You know this scoundrel?
Uh, yeah, I think our kids
go to school with one ...
Mitchell!
Okay yes, yes ...
yes, I know him.
I know him!
- They're monsters.
They've been pelting me with
Chobani flail spheres.
Wait ... Ch-Chobani,
like the yoghurt?
The show took on corporate
sponsors in season four.
Oh.
Seriously, Gary?
I helped you build a deck!
Okay, stop, stop it!
What are we doing, huh?
Is this how Norphs behave?
Actually,
we're quite war-like.
Okay, well... look, look,
this man, he made a mistake,
but if we banish him,
we're no better than the people
who shamed us all these years,
who ... who picked us last
for team sports,
who left us off of group e-mails
about bar association dances.
We're all oddballs and misfits
and weirdos,
but the great thing about
this place is we all belong,
especially this good man,
who gave me the courage
to conquer my fear
and become part
of this community.
Let's welcome him back.
The red one, Gary!
Where is that dinosaur?
I certainly hope I don't
accidentally
turn off the lights.
As a gay man, I know
every party planner in town.
So I sent out a group text,
and as luck would have it,
my friend Ronaldo was wrapping
up a kid's Peter Pan party.
And I said,
"Send me whatever you got."
I think I hear some music!
Where my Lost Boys at?
What the hell is this?
I thought you said you were at
a kid's Peter Pan party.
No, no, no.
I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party."
It's his 11th time
turning 50.
Close your eyes!
No! Don't look at that!
Please, I'm so sorry!
Enough!
Everybody out!
Even the kids!
I can't fight this anymore.
Go to the nice party!
Just follow the fairy!
She meant me.
Everybody calm down.
Thank you so much
for today.
I-I never would've
gone through with it
if you hadn't inspired me.
I inspired you?
Mm.
Wait.
In book the third,
the high cleric
overcomes the curse
of The Foolmaker
by being pure of heart
and goes on to be
a great inspirer of people.
Do you think ...
You seem glum.
Perhaps you should be
turning your passions elsewhere.
You're right.
I'm going back to vet school.
It's about time I grew up.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
It's okay.
I'm not mad.
What happened
to the party?
Cam ruined it two ways.
I just wanted
a nice party for Joe.
There's only so long
that you can make things
perfect for them.
Suddenly, they move on.
They wake up one morning
and they want to drive
cross-country all alone.
Oh, right, Manny.
I know you're scared,
but your should feel proud.
You took kind of a...
You can say it ...
a weird kid.
A weird kid,
and turned him into somebody
so comfortable with himself
that he's willing to take on
a pretty big adventure.
Thank you, Cam.
I wish I had that.
I mean, I was a weird kid
whose family only made him
feel weirder.
I mean, it took until today
to do an adventure
that I have wanted to do
since I was Manny's age.
I-I went to Hero-Con.
Not in costume?
Affirmative, Fizbo.
Okay, if this is
something you're into,
why haven't you
ever told me?
I haven't told anyone.
I mean, I tried
with my mom once,
but I chickened out
and told her I was gay instead.
And I-I wasn't even sure
at that point.
Why are there so many ways
for a parent to break a kid?
Ugh.
Hug!
No, no, no!
Oh.
Aw, you know, it makes me
worried for this little guy.
I love my parents,
but they weren't exactly
the best when I was...
when I was this.
Go play.
Mitchell, I'm, uh, proud of
the risk you took today
following your heart.
You should do more of that.
Cam,
should Cal live with us?
He ... He should.
- Yeah.
- Very well.
Sorry we're late.
Traffic, you know.
I keep telling you
to try Waze,
but you're scared of technology,
and you shouldn't be.
We're merging Pritchett's with
a high-tech closet company.
Excellent.
And, Gloria, you speak often of
your passion for ventriloquism.
It's been a long day,
Phil.
This one
needs more time.
Notes from the road.
Alternate title,
The United States of Me.
Fear ... Friend or Foe?
As children, we're taught
to fear what can hurt us.
But as adults,
we're expected to conquer
what we're afraid of.
So what are fears?
Do they keep us alive?
Or do they keep us
from living?
Hey!
You're blocking the driveway.
Hit the road already.
Okay, I'm going.
Jay, hurry up,
we want to go home!
I can't get this damn thing
to work!
Oh, no, is it one of those
automatic sinks?
You know what,
he should do a hard reboot ...
go back to the urinal
and re-approach.
What's going on
in there?
I can't even get a trickle
out of this thing!
Oh, I find
not thinking about it helps!
- No, it's the sink.
- It's the sink.
Makes no sense!
I'm waving my arms like I'm
directing a plane into a gate!
He's gonna break it like
he broke the remote control.
Let's just go! The paper towel
thing is automatic, too!
Oh, Dad.
Captions by VITAC :