1 00:00:28,515 --> 00:00:30,248 Oh, Mitchell. Are you awake? 2 00:00:30,316 --> 00:00:32,183 Yeah, I think the lady upstairs just screamed. 3 00:00:32,285 --> 00:00:34,418 - Should we check on her? - No, that was me. 4 00:00:34,454 --> 00:00:36,454 Something terrible just happened in the shower. 5 00:00:36,523 --> 00:00:38,089 Oh, God. What did you try to shave? 6 00:00:38,157 --> 00:00:41,325 No, I forgot the words to "Thank God I'm A Country Boy." 7 00:00:41,394 --> 00:00:44,529 Okay, two minutes ago, I was on the back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig. 8 00:00:44,597 --> 00:00:46,764 Mitchell, I sang that song my entire childhood. 9 00:00:46,866 --> 00:00:48,566 If I can't remember the lyrics, 10 00:00:48,635 --> 00:00:50,801 that means I've lost complete touch with my roots. 11 00:00:50,870 --> 00:00:52,603 How could I let this happen? 12 00:00:52,672 --> 00:00:54,205 Don't be so hard on yourself. 13 00:00:54,274 --> 00:00:55,940 I'm not. This is mostly your doing. 14 00:00:56,009 --> 00:00:57,508 Should have seen that coming. 15 00:00:57,577 --> 00:00:58,943 You have shamed the country boy out of me. 16 00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:01,746 You roll your eyes when I say "y'all" or "fixin'". 17 00:01:01,814 --> 00:01:03,281 You made me take down our clothesline. 18 00:01:03,349 --> 00:01:05,249 I just asked that we put it in the backyard. 19 00:01:05,285 --> 00:01:06,284 You know what I have to do. 20 00:01:06,352 --> 00:01:07,618 Relearn the lyrics to... 21 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,253 Get a chicken. 22 00:01:09,355 --> 00:01:11,556 So, apparently, there's no legal reason 23 00:01:11,624 --> 00:01:13,324 why we can't have a chicken in our backyard, 24 00:01:13,393 --> 00:01:15,793 and... and I did a real deep dive. 25 00:01:15,862 --> 00:01:20,264 Okay, so this is the kitchen, which we recently remodeled. 26 00:01:20,902 --> 00:01:22,867 Get used to that. 27 00:01:22,969 --> 00:01:25,703 Okay, this is the living room. 28 00:01:34,814 --> 00:01:37,048 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 29 00:01:39,495 --> 00:01:43,220 Okay, so, you and Mom will be in the chairs. 30 00:01:43,323 --> 00:01:45,990 Me, Haley, and Luke will be on the couch. 31 00:01:46,092 --> 00:01:48,559 And the interviewer will be right here. 32 00:01:48,661 --> 00:01:51,228 Alex is up for a very prestigious government job 33 00:01:51,331 --> 00:01:53,731 that requires a family interview. 34 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:55,733 In case they bring one of those memory zappers, 35 00:01:55,835 --> 00:01:57,735 I've Sharpied all the pertinent information on my arm... 36 00:01:57,837 --> 00:01:59,170 PIN numbers, et cetera. 37 00:01:59,272 --> 00:02:00,838 Oh, honey, you don't think that they're really going to... 38 00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,340 Oh, do not worry, little lady. 39 00:02:02,442 --> 00:02:04,408 I got you covered. 40 00:02:04,510 --> 00:02:06,410 If you really want to impress the interviewer, 41 00:02:06,512 --> 00:02:08,579 why don't you try casually leaving out 42 00:02:08,681 --> 00:02:11,248 this completed New York Times crossword 43 00:02:11,351 --> 00:02:13,050 that I found at the gym? 44 00:02:13,152 --> 00:02:15,386 Why bring a knife to a gun fight? 45 00:02:15,488 --> 00:02:17,688 How about I lay out the family heirloom? 46 00:02:17,790 --> 00:02:20,691 1931. Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy 47 00:02:20,793 --> 00:02:23,694 is driving south from Modesto one foggy evening. 48 00:02:23,796 --> 00:02:27,231 He picks up a stranded motorist and drives him to a gas station. 49 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:30,534 The man has no money, so Ted pays for his gas. 50 00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:33,204 The man thanks him with a quick drawing on a cocktail napkin. 51 00:02:33,306 --> 00:02:36,574 For you see, that man... was Walt Disney. 52 00:02:36,643 --> 00:02:40,878 And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse. 53 00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:43,547 Yeah, no thanks on the heirloom or the crossword, guys. 54 00:02:43,650 --> 00:02:45,549 Let's keep it simple, okay? 55 00:02:45,652 --> 00:02:48,219 Honey, relax. You're awesome. 56 00:02:48,321 --> 00:02:49,553 It's gonna go great. 57 00:02:49,656 --> 00:02:52,056 Just as soon as we get this chair back 58 00:02:52,158 --> 00:02:54,725 to where it's been ever since we've lived in this house. 59 00:02:54,827 --> 00:02:57,595 Mom, can you please stop managing everything? 60 00:02:57,664 --> 00:02:59,063 You mean like when she cleaned my hat collection 61 00:02:59,165 --> 00:03:00,564 out of the front closet in case the interviewer 62 00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:01,766 looked in there? 63 00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:03,100 Honey, you never wore those hats, 64 00:03:03,202 --> 00:03:05,069 and the charity was glad to get them. 65 00:03:05,171 --> 00:03:06,771 Maybe you should have also donated my dream of one day 66 00:03:06,839 --> 00:03:08,906 going to the Kentucky Derby or Easter at a black church. 67 00:03:09,008 --> 00:03:11,776 Hey, Alex. Quick tip. Smile during the interview. 68 00:03:11,878 --> 00:03:14,111 I've been learning a lot about different personality types 69 00:03:14,213 --> 00:03:17,048 in my psych course, and you're kind of textbook borderline... 70 00:03:17,150 --> 00:03:18,549 all brains, no empathy. 71 00:03:18,651 --> 00:03:22,219 You know, Luke, we are so very proud of all the hard work you're doing, 72 00:03:22,321 --> 00:03:24,388 and I look forward to hearing your insights 73 00:03:24,490 --> 00:03:26,090 when you finish chapter two. 74 00:03:26,192 --> 00:03:29,260 But for now, maybe you could just put that book away. 75 00:03:29,362 --> 00:03:30,895 No surprise you'd say that. 76 00:03:30,997 --> 00:03:32,730 Controlling, obsessive... 77 00:03:32,832 --> 00:03:34,899 classic Commandant personality type. 78 00:03:35,001 --> 00:03:36,467 Ooh, burn. 79 00:03:36,569 --> 00:03:38,169 Oh, grow up, Haley. 80 00:03:38,271 --> 00:03:39,303 Sadly, she can't. 81 00:03:39,405 --> 00:03:41,972 Such is the plight of the Peter Pan personality. 82 00:03:42,075 --> 00:03:43,974 You're saying Haley refuses to grow up? 83 00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:45,309 I don't believe that. 84 00:03:45,411 --> 00:03:47,812 Which brings us to another type, the Dreamer... 85 00:03:47,914 --> 00:03:51,148 head in the clouds, tends to be naive, gullible. 86 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:53,350 I love that you're smart now. 87 00:03:54,023 --> 00:03:55,853 That's your classic game-day breakfast... 88 00:03:55,955 --> 00:03:57,555 your carbs, fiber, your protein. 89 00:03:57,623 --> 00:03:59,190 You throw a shot of brandy in there, 90 00:03:59,292 --> 00:04:00,758 you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl. 91 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:04,261 I don't eat beets. Never have, never will. 92 00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:06,764 When you were 2, you ate a dime and a butterfly. 93 00:04:06,866 --> 00:04:08,032 Now your body is a temple? 94 00:04:08,134 --> 00:04:09,867 He can eat a protein bar in the car. 95 00:04:09,969 --> 00:04:13,137 We still have to pick up some players that live far away. 96 00:04:13,239 --> 00:04:14,638 Gloria, this is not okay. 97 00:04:14,741 --> 00:04:15,639 It's legal. 98 00:04:15,742 --> 00:04:17,675 They have P.O. boxes in the district. 99 00:04:17,744 --> 00:04:20,144 And besides, everybody bends the rules. 100 00:04:20,246 --> 00:04:22,480 I swear the goalie from the other team 101 00:04:22,582 --> 00:04:24,148 has been my Uber driver. 102 00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:25,983 Gloria, I'm trying to get the kid 103 00:04:26,085 --> 00:04:28,452 to eat his vegetables. I could use a little support. 104 00:04:28,554 --> 00:04:29,553 Why aren't you dressed? 105 00:04:29,655 --> 00:04:31,889 You're supposed to referee two games today. 106 00:04:31,991 --> 00:04:33,557 I told you I don't want to do that! 107 00:04:33,659 --> 00:04:35,226 I got my boxing match tonight. 108 00:04:35,328 --> 00:04:37,461 Besides, those ref outfits are stupid. 109 00:04:37,563 --> 00:04:38,963 Walk it off. You're fine. 110 00:04:39,065 --> 00:04:42,299 - Move it, Joe. - You're not hearing that? 111 00:04:43,790 --> 00:04:46,670 So, Haley, you tell us about Alex. 112 00:04:46,773 --> 00:04:49,340 Well, it was not easy sharing a room with a genius. 113 00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:52,009 She was always up reading and calculating, 114 00:04:52,111 --> 00:04:53,911 but she also inspired me. 115 00:04:54,013 --> 00:04:55,179 When I turned 21, I said, 116 00:04:55,281 --> 00:04:58,015 "Haley, time to be your own woman," 117 00:04:58,117 --> 00:04:59,517 and I moved into the basement. 118 00:04:59,585 --> 00:05:01,585 I'm sorry. I don't... I don't mean to interrupt, 119 00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:03,754 but I just keep replaying 120 00:05:03,856 --> 00:05:06,557 my answer to you about my parenting style. 121 00:05:06,626 --> 00:05:08,192 Oh, don't give it a second thought. 122 00:05:08,294 --> 00:05:11,729 But when I said I wanted to run away and never come back, that was a joke. 123 00:05:11,831 --> 00:05:13,297 - Yeah, absolutely. - I know. 124 00:05:13,366 --> 00:05:14,799 It's just that you wrote it down like... 125 00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:16,567 - Mom, let it go. - Okay. 126 00:05:16,636 --> 00:05:20,004 So, Alex, I see you spent your summer in Honduras. 127 00:05:20,072 --> 00:05:23,240 Any other travel that inspired... 128 00:05:23,309 --> 00:05:24,441 Mrs. Dunphy? 129 00:05:24,510 --> 00:05:27,211 If you could maybe just make a little, like, L-O-L 130 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,713 next to my joke, so then it's super clear. 131 00:05:29,849 --> 00:05:31,515 Australia, a camping trip to Costa Rica, 132 00:05:31,584 --> 00:05:33,617 - and a month in Europe. - Excellent. 133 00:05:33,686 --> 00:05:36,220 Well, she does come by her wanderlust honestly. 134 00:05:36,289 --> 00:05:38,155 The kids here all know about my high school trip 135 00:05:38,224 --> 00:05:40,357 to the Soviet Union. 136 00:05:40,426 --> 00:05:42,126 Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear about that. 137 00:05:42,228 --> 00:05:44,428 - No, please. Continue. - In the depths of the Cold War, 138 00:05:44,497 --> 00:05:46,664 my tumbling team was part of a cultural exchange. 139 00:05:46,732 --> 00:05:48,799 I became friends with a Russian tumbler named Sergei 140 00:05:48,868 --> 00:05:51,068 who wanted to hear all about the U.S. 141 00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:53,304 He asked me to... to send pictures when I got home, 142 00:05:53,372 --> 00:05:54,905 and not just touristy stuff. 143 00:05:54,974 --> 00:05:56,674 Sergei was interested in ordinary things... 144 00:05:56,776 --> 00:05:59,944 uh, airports, um, power plants, train stations. 145 00:06:00,046 --> 00:06:01,912 His family was in the fence business. 146 00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:06,317 He said our military had the best fencing in the world. 147 00:06:06,385 --> 00:06:10,721 I must have sent him 50 pictures of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton. 148 00:06:11,524 --> 00:06:14,391 Anyway, we don't want to take up your whole day. 149 00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:16,193 You wouldn't have time to write up your report, 150 00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:18,162 which you could title "Alex Dunphy: 151 00:06:18,231 --> 00:06:21,131 The Apple that fell very far from the Tree." 152 00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:23,067 - Thank you all very much. We will be in touch. - Thank you. 153 00:06:23,135 --> 00:06:24,034 Okay, bye-bye. 154 00:06:24,136 --> 00:06:25,502 - Bye. - Fun chatting. 155 00:06:25,605 --> 00:06:29,139 You know what? We Dunphys clean up pretty well when we want to, don't we? 156 00:06:29,242 --> 00:06:30,774 Are you kidding me? 157 00:06:30,843 --> 00:06:34,411 Mom, did you really have to OCD all over her notebook? 158 00:06:34,513 --> 00:06:38,415 And you, bragging about still living at home at, like, what? 30? 159 00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:41,085 And Dad, well done. 160 00:06:41,153 --> 00:06:42,920 There's nothing that cinches a government job 161 00:06:42,989 --> 00:06:44,955 like finding out your dad was a Russian spy! 162 00:06:45,057 --> 00:06:46,624 Luke was right about all of you. 163 00:06:46,726 --> 00:06:49,126 Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer. 164 00:06:49,228 --> 00:06:52,763 Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family. 165 00:06:52,865 --> 00:06:54,598 Don't compare us! 166 00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,267 Your last English paper came back 167 00:06:56,369 --> 00:06:59,236 with a Garfield sticker on it that said "Way to go!" 168 00:06:59,338 --> 00:07:01,739 That's the second highest sticker she gives out! 169 00:07:06,818 --> 00:07:09,485 Another fresh one, courtesy of Princess Layer. 170 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,620 Another new name? 171 00:07:10,689 --> 00:07:12,922 She's already been Egg Ryan and Chicky Minaj. 172 00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,857 I know having a chicken isn't your dream. 173 00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:16,793 But if it makes you feel any better, 174 00:07:16,861 --> 00:07:18,661 I think I know who I am again. 175 00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:21,397 A person who hates chickens! 176 00:07:21,466 --> 00:07:24,934 They are filthy and beyond stupid. 177 00:07:25,003 --> 00:07:27,337 The moment I can find the receipt, I am returning that chicken. 178 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,471 But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because, 179 00:07:28,506 --> 00:07:31,274 like that vile bird, I made a big stink. 180 00:07:31,343 --> 00:07:34,344 Oh. We're out of chicken feed again? 181 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:37,280 I have a meeting at the school today with the homecoming committee. 182 00:07:37,315 --> 00:07:38,381 If polling is correct, 183 00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:39,982 the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair, 184 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:44,087 and we already blew our ramp budget on a balloon drop, so could you maybe... 185 00:07:44,155 --> 00:07:46,823 Cam, this will be my third trip to the feed and grain store this week. 186 00:07:46,891 --> 00:07:51,794 We agreed that you'd be the one to take care of this awful thing. 187 00:07:51,863 --> 00:07:54,530 I've never really felt a connection to animals, 188 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,999 but there's just something about that chicken. 189 00:07:57,068 --> 00:07:59,602 The soulful eyes, the nervous movements, 190 00:07:59,671 --> 00:08:02,338 the cute little splash of red on top. 191 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,940 She's just likeable. 192 00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:06,042 Plus, I love going to that feed store. 193 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,811 T-The second I walk through the door, I'm one of them. 194 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,515 - Howdy, Bobby. - Hey. 195 00:08:12,584 --> 00:08:13,483 Smells like rain. 196 00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:14,951 What are you doing back so soon? 197 00:08:15,053 --> 00:08:17,320 Yeah, I told you you got to buy more than one bag of feed at a time. 198 00:08:17,389 --> 00:08:18,955 No, it's no bother. 199 00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:21,224 No, it's nice to get out of the field, 200 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,493 away from the chicken... s. 201 00:08:24,696 --> 00:08:25,862 Evenin'. 202 00:08:27,432 --> 00:08:28,965 The problem is I can't let Cam know 203 00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:31,701 that I'm enjoying my new life as a gentleman farmer. 204 00:08:31,770 --> 00:08:33,636 I-I've spent our whole relationship 205 00:08:33,705 --> 00:08:36,239 trying to tamp down his farm-ness. 206 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,840 Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need 207 00:08:37,909 --> 00:08:41,210 to... to move us to Missouri and go full Old MacDonald. 208 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:43,083 E-I-E-I-no. 209 00:08:45,183 --> 00:08:48,217 Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God. 210 00:08:48,286 --> 00:08:51,554 Hennifer? Hennifer? 211 00:08:52,694 --> 00:08:55,158 Hey, are you Ridley? I'm reffing the 1:00 game. 212 00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:58,161 Hey, do I get my voucher for a hot dog before or after? 213 00:08:58,229 --> 00:09:00,463 Oh... Hey. You got your whistle? 214 00:09:00,532 --> 00:09:01,931 Oh, damn. I forgot it. 215 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,934 Late and no whistle? Where's your respect for the game? 216 00:09:04,969 --> 00:09:06,235 On a football field somewhere. 217 00:09:06,304 --> 00:09:08,438 - Hey, what do you say I borrow yours? - Are you kidding? 218 00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:09,906 I just lost six weeks of school to mono. 219 00:09:09,974 --> 00:09:10,973 You're on field 4. 220 00:09:13,016 --> 00:09:14,911 All right. Let's get this over with. 221 00:09:14,979 --> 00:09:16,679 You are the referee for my game? 222 00:09:16,781 --> 00:09:18,147 You don't know anything about soccer. 223 00:09:18,216 --> 00:09:20,450 Take that up with the lady who forced me into this. 224 00:09:21,257 --> 00:09:22,351 Okay, purple, let's go! 225 00:09:22,454 --> 00:09:24,153 Joe, Finn, Clyde up front! 226 00:09:24,255 --> 00:09:25,955 Lucas, Dylan, Chad in the back! 227 00:09:26,057 --> 00:09:27,957 Estefan, in goal! 228 00:09:27,992 --> 00:09:31,093 I'm guessing that Estefan is the kid who lives out of the district? 229 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,129 His legs are hairier than mine, 230 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:35,198 and I think he was wearing a wedding ring. 231 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:38,701 Let's get this party started, rookie. 232 00:09:40,685 --> 00:09:43,806 Okay, they won't start unless you use the whistle. 233 00:09:43,908 --> 00:09:46,676 Whistle! Whistle! 234 00:09:46,778 --> 00:09:49,846 Clyde, it's open! Yes! 235 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,982 Whistle! No goal! Purple offside! 236 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,750 Offside? Are you blind? 237 00:09:54,853 --> 00:09:57,687 He's right. Free kick for red right where the ball is. 238 00:09:57,789 --> 00:10:00,289 Yes, free kick for red right where the ball is. 239 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,225 And... whistle. 240 00:10:03,461 --> 00:10:06,128 For the first time in weeks, Gloria had to listen to me. 241 00:10:06,197 --> 00:10:08,764 I was in charge. Ridley said so. 242 00:10:09,927 --> 00:10:11,067 Goal, yes! 243 00:10:11,135 --> 00:10:13,035 Coach, you're running up the score. 244 00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:14,670 You got to sub in some of your weaker players. 245 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,906 How about this kid with the neck pillow? It's usually a tip-off. 246 00:10:16,975 --> 00:10:19,208 I'm not running up the score. I'm winning. 247 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:22,078 You either make the substitution or you are leaving my field. 248 00:10:22,146 --> 00:10:23,813 - Pbht. - That's it! Whistle! 249 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:24,780 You're out of here! 250 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,017 Doesn't frighten me. 251 00:10:31,122 --> 00:10:32,488 How about that? 252 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,589 A little bit. 253 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,660 Oh, hey, Haley. What's up? 254 00:10:37,729 --> 00:10:39,495 I'm kind of mad at my family, actually. 255 00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:42,031 They keep saying I have one of those Peter Pan personalities, 256 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,499 so, um, change of plans. 257 00:10:43,568 --> 00:10:44,901 We're going to a play, not the circus. 258 00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:45,935 Wait, what? 259 00:10:46,004 --> 00:10:47,169 Dylan, don't make a thing out of this. 260 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,839 The elephant's not going to remember you promised to see him next year. 261 00:10:49,874 --> 00:10:53,175 No, Haley. I-I can't hear you. Bad reception. 262 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,343 Let me move up. 263 00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,515 Was Alex right? 264 00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:02,885 Had I been an unwitting... an unwitting spy? 265 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,521 I even dug out an old article they'd done on me 266 00:11:05,590 --> 00:11:07,290 in a Russian newspaper during my trip. 267 00:11:07,358 --> 00:11:09,091 Sergei told me the headline said, 268 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,382 "Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship." 269 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,063 A quick scan into Google Translate revealed the truth... 270 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:17,800 "Famous Tumbler Denounces the West." 271 00:11:17,869 --> 00:11:19,435 I needed some fresh air to clear my head. 272 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,003 Had I been that big a dupe in high school? 273 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,873 And if so, what was stopping them from trying to use me again today? 274 00:11:32,972 --> 00:11:34,150 Hey, Mr. D! 275 00:11:34,252 --> 00:11:37,687 Hey, hey, hey! What's up, buddy? 276 00:11:43,928 --> 00:11:46,095 Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant? 277 00:11:46,197 --> 00:11:47,330 No. 278 00:11:47,398 --> 00:11:49,966 So you weren't about to straighten that chair? 279 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:52,335 Because if the whole world isn't completely ordered, 280 00:11:52,403 --> 00:11:54,203 it feels like your skin is on fire? 281 00:11:54,272 --> 00:11:56,606 This is literally armchair psychology. 282 00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:59,976 Luke, your label for me was spot on. I am a Dreamer. 283 00:12:00,044 --> 00:12:01,744 No, worse, I'm a... I'm a patsy, 284 00:12:01,813 --> 00:12:03,212 a mark, a full-on sucker! 285 00:12:03,281 --> 00:12:05,448 Phil, calm down. You're not a dupe. 286 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,183 Have a seat. 287 00:12:07,251 --> 00:12:08,184 - Sad. - Hmm. 288 00:12:08,219 --> 00:12:10,453 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid. 289 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,088 - What did it cost you? - Zilch. 290 00:12:12,156 --> 00:12:15,007 Someone threw a bunch of them in the trash across the street. 291 00:12:15,042 --> 00:12:16,392 So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs. 292 00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:18,194 - Off you go. - Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like... 293 00:12:18,296 --> 00:12:19,695 And my fedora! 294 00:12:19,731 --> 00:12:21,931 You duped me into believing we were donating them to ISSBA: 295 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,899 and you were just gonna throw them in the trash. 296 00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:25,668 But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire. 297 00:12:25,737 --> 00:12:27,136 What about the poor people at the Institute 298 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,172 for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans? 299 00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:31,641 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil. 300 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,442 It's just that woman was coming and the interview... 301 00:12:33,511 --> 00:12:35,044 and there was all that clutter. 302 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:37,546 I'm sick. Tell him, Luke. 303 00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:39,448 Save it, Claire. You think of me what everyone thinks of me. 304 00:12:39,517 --> 00:12:42,018 I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn. 305 00:12:42,086 --> 00:12:44,620 Okay, Dylan. Let's get you changed and lose the hat. 306 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:47,556 It's rude to block people's views where we'll be spending our afternoon... 307 00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:49,825 at an adult theater. 308 00:12:49,927 --> 00:12:51,627 Huh. 309 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,563 I mean, we all knew there was gonna be a third one, right? 310 00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:55,831 - I didn't! - Okay. 311 00:12:58,351 --> 00:13:00,785 - I must have left the latch open. - You probably did. 312 00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:03,205 I... I know how much that chicken means to you. 313 00:13:03,307 --> 00:13:04,540 So much. 314 00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:05,841 And now something this painful... 315 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,245 I-I don't think I could have a chicken again ever. 316 00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:11,280 Wait, wait. T-The security camera. 317 00:13:11,349 --> 00:13:13,382 We can... We can find out exactly what happened. 318 00:13:13,451 --> 00:13:15,184 Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that. 319 00:13:15,286 --> 00:13:17,353 Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait. 320 00:13:17,388 --> 00:13:19,155 You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life. 321 00:13:19,190 --> 00:13:21,223 All these animals... they seem so sweet, 322 00:13:21,292 --> 00:13:23,726 but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, 323 00:13:23,795 --> 00:13:26,796 like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table. 324 00:13:26,864 --> 00:13:28,130 Oh, my God. Okay, well, you... you look 325 00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:29,999 - and tell me what happened. - Okay. 326 00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:32,820 And later, tell me what people say when I leave the table. 327 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,938 Okay, well, nothing happening yet. 328 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:36,972 Okay, you know, I want to see. 329 00:13:37,041 --> 00:13:39,375 No. No, no, no. Don't. 330 00:13:39,708 --> 00:13:41,043 Oh, no. Oh, no. 331 00:13:41,145 --> 00:13:43,045 - Something's come into the backyard. - What? 332 00:13:43,147 --> 00:13:44,447 I think it's a raccoon. 333 00:13:44,549 --> 00:13:48,451 - Oh! Oh, the... Oh, the horror! - Oh, my God! 334 00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:50,119 No, no. No, she's fighting. 335 00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,787 She's fighting, Mitchell, with every fiber... 336 00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:53,856 - That's right. - ... of her indomitable chicken-y spirit. 337 00:13:54,522 --> 00:13:56,358 And it's over. Oh, gosh. 338 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,194 Well, that's the worst farm calamity I've seen 339 00:13:58,296 --> 00:13:59,695 since a dinner theater production of "Oklahoma!" 340 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,697 starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 341 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,199 Delete. Hmm. 342 00:14:03,827 --> 00:14:04,667 Where's the body? 343 00:14:04,769 --> 00:14:06,736 Um, dragged off. 344 00:14:06,838 --> 00:14:08,104 Well, then she could still be alive! 345 00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:09,305 W-We have to look for her. 346 00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:11,540 Okay. G-Grab her favorite squeak toy. 347 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:12,641 Okay, well, which... which one? 348 00:14:12,744 --> 00:14:14,602 Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio? 349 00:14:14,637 --> 00:14:16,308 It's like you don't even know her. 350 00:14:17,206 --> 00:14:21,119 "Dead-end alcoholics... broken lives, and broken dreams..." 351 00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:23,087 Nope, nothing about Spider-Man. 352 00:14:23,156 --> 00:14:25,023 Must be a different Iceman that cometh. 353 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,158 That's okay. It could still be good. 354 00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:30,929 But, Dylan, you have to stop looking at the carnival over there. 355 00:14:30,997 --> 00:14:33,531 I'm sorry, but it just might be easier to enjoy 356 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,434 this unsparing look at life's castoffs 357 00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:38,069 if I knew that afterwards, 358 00:14:38,171 --> 00:14:41,372 we were gonna walketh over there and goeth to the bumper cars. 359 00:14:41,441 --> 00:14:43,508 I'm literally asking for only... 360 00:14:43,543 --> 00:14:44,976 41/2 hours? 361 00:14:45,078 --> 00:14:47,745 Look. I know you want to prove that we're mature adults, 362 00:14:47,814 --> 00:14:49,180 but look at this line. 363 00:14:49,282 --> 00:14:51,316 We are the young people here. 364 00:14:51,418 --> 00:14:52,484 Whereas... 365 00:14:52,586 --> 00:14:54,319 At the carnival, we'd be, like, 366 00:14:54,354 --> 00:14:56,387 the oldest people there? 367 00:14:56,456 --> 00:14:58,156 May I remind you what they said to us last time 368 00:14:58,225 --> 00:14:59,958 when they escorted us out of the ball pit? 369 00:15:00,026 --> 00:15:03,294 "Excuse me, but this attraction isn't really for..." 370 00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:04,896 - "Adults." - Aha. 371 00:15:04,998 --> 00:15:08,333 - M'lady. - M'Dylan. 372 00:15:09,736 --> 00:15:11,102 Okay, we need to talk. 373 00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,637 You bet we need to talk. 374 00:15:12,672 --> 00:15:14,372 I was out of bounds throwing you out of that game. 375 00:15:14,407 --> 00:15:16,608 You bet you were out of bounds throwing me out of that game. 376 00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,209 But it was all my fault, Jay. 377 00:15:18,278 --> 00:15:20,478 You bet it was all my fault, Jay... 378 00:15:20,547 --> 00:15:22,514 Don't Bugs Bunny me. 379 00:15:22,549 --> 00:15:25,083 Okay. So we both like to be in charge. 380 00:15:25,118 --> 00:15:27,318 But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page? 381 00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:28,953 Like this morning when I was trying to get him 382 00:15:29,022 --> 00:15:31,923 to eat his vegetables? Back me up. 383 00:15:31,992 --> 00:15:34,025 I knew I should have thrown away those beets! 384 00:15:34,094 --> 00:15:35,660 Stupid. What am I, 4? 385 00:15:35,729 --> 00:15:39,097 I guess we're not setting a very good example. 386 00:15:39,165 --> 00:15:42,901 Exactly! When we say no to each other, he thinks he can say no to us. 387 00:15:42,969 --> 00:15:44,669 Yeah, like for his homework, his bedtime... 388 00:15:44,738 --> 00:15:46,604 Or something important like eating those nutritious... 389 00:15:48,508 --> 00:15:49,974 - Whistle! - Whistle! 390 00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:52,610 Phil, look. 391 00:15:52,646 --> 00:15:54,646 I'm really sorry I lied to you about the hats. 392 00:15:54,748 --> 00:15:56,514 But in all fairness, you do have a tendency to... 393 00:15:56,616 --> 00:15:58,616 This again? How I can't throw anything away? 394 00:15:58,685 --> 00:16:02,220 We have 100 episodes of "Hoarders" on DVR 395 00:16:02,255 --> 00:16:03,821 in case you want to watch them again. 396 00:16:03,857 --> 00:16:04,923 That's not what this is about. 397 00:16:04,991 --> 00:16:07,692 This is about me blindly believing whatever anybody tells me. 398 00:16:07,761 --> 00:16:10,128 You're being too hard on yourself. 399 00:16:10,196 --> 00:16:11,896 You want to see the best in people. 400 00:16:11,998 --> 00:16:13,965 It doesn't mean you're gonna believe just anything. 401 00:16:14,034 --> 00:16:16,367 Really? What about our beloved family heirloom? 402 00:16:16,469 --> 00:16:17,769 - Claire? - Hmm? 403 00:16:17,804 --> 00:16:20,772 Is this real, or am I just a fourth-generation Dunphy dummy? 404 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:25,310 Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular. 405 00:16:25,378 --> 00:16:27,879 But, perhaps, Walt customized it 406 00:16:27,981 --> 00:16:30,181 for your great-grandfather because he was, uh... 407 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:31,416 He was a longshoreman? 408 00:16:31,518 --> 00:16:33,217 - He sold ladies' bonnets. - Oh. 409 00:16:33,286 --> 00:16:35,486 Mom, can you slip Dad's credit card back in his wallet before he... 410 00:16:35,589 --> 00:16:37,288 Oh. Hey, handsome. 411 00:16:37,357 --> 00:16:39,057 Further proof of how you all see me... 412 00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:40,758 as a turnip truck faller-offer! 413 00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:42,727 - No. - Then I'll ask you. 414 00:16:42,796 --> 00:16:46,297 Do you believe that this was drawn by Walt Disney? 415 00:16:46,399 --> 00:16:47,932 Uh... 416 00:16:48,001 --> 00:16:49,634 Alex, get in here. 417 00:16:49,703 --> 00:16:51,269 - Alex! - No, honey, you know what she's gonna say. 418 00:16:51,338 --> 00:16:53,237 Her optometrist won't even let her wear contacts 419 00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:56,040 'cause of all the excessive eye rolling... Hi. 420 00:16:56,142 --> 00:16:57,245 I need to know the truth. 421 00:16:57,911 --> 00:17:00,745 Alex, real or unreal? 422 00:17:01,953 --> 00:17:02,747 Real. 423 00:17:02,816 --> 00:17:05,149 Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say 424 00:17:05,251 --> 00:17:07,118 he had to draw it in the back of a truck? 425 00:17:07,187 --> 00:17:08,753 And what hitchhiker 426 00:17:08,822 --> 00:17:10,521 would be carrying around a drafting pencil 427 00:17:10,624 --> 00:17:12,090 if he wasn't some sort of an animator? 428 00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:16,427 And who would run out of gas on the side of the road 429 00:17:16,529 --> 00:17:19,297 but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning the happiest place on earth? 430 00:17:19,366 --> 00:17:21,866 So... real. 431 00:17:21,935 --> 00:17:23,201 Also I got the job. 432 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,702 - What? - Hey. 433 00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:26,771 Yeah, they just called. I'm still in shock myself. 434 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,406 Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you. 435 00:17:28,508 --> 00:17:30,041 Oh, let me get some champagne. 436 00:17:30,143 --> 00:17:31,376 Luke, help me with the glasses. 437 00:17:31,444 --> 00:17:34,212 Alex, that's amazing. I knew you could do it. 438 00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,446 You say that about everything. 439 00:17:35,548 --> 00:17:38,116 - Well, I know, but... - No, thank you. 440 00:17:38,218 --> 00:17:41,919 Riding a bike, my first cello concert, 441 00:17:41,955 --> 00:17:44,656 freshman chemistry, this job... 442 00:17:44,724 --> 00:17:47,392 every time I was sure I couldn't do something, 443 00:17:47,494 --> 00:17:48,693 you convinced me I could. 444 00:17:49,629 --> 00:17:52,230 It's nice to have a believer in the house. 445 00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:01,939 I don't see her anywhere. 446 00:18:01,975 --> 00:18:04,075 All right, let's maybe turn around and look over there? 447 00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:06,010 Okay, Mitchell, why would the chicken cross the road? 448 00:18:06,112 --> 00:18:08,479 We were never finding that chicken. 449 00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:10,748 After an unpleasant struggle that I only won 450 00:18:10,817 --> 00:18:13,184 after sustaining multiple scratches, 451 00:18:13,253 --> 00:18:14,652 I put it in the back seat of my car, 452 00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:17,889 drove it to the egg farm, and lobbed it over the fence. 453 00:18:17,957 --> 00:18:19,791 They can fly a little. 454 00:18:19,859 --> 00:18:22,093 Oh, your arm's all scratched up. What happened? 455 00:18:22,162 --> 00:18:23,895 Oh, um, it's probably from when I was trying to 456 00:18:23,963 --> 00:18:26,330 break that fight up with those, um... those blue jays. 457 00:18:26,399 --> 00:18:27,965 - Oh. - Oh, gosh. Oh, God. 458 00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:29,100 Oh, man. 459 00:18:29,202 --> 00:18:31,502 I am all of a sudden feeling very tired. 460 00:18:31,538 --> 00:18:33,071 - Well, do you want me to drive? - No, no, it's fine. 461 00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:34,038 - Cam, watch out! - Oh, my God! 462 00:18:38,211 --> 00:18:39,744 You got rid of Hennifer. 463 00:18:41,342 --> 00:18:42,413 Okay, I admit it. 464 00:18:42,449 --> 00:18:44,282 I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed 465 00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:46,551 to say anything cause I... I made such a big stink 466 00:18:46,653 --> 00:18:48,352 out of you shaming the country out of me. 467 00:18:48,421 --> 00:18:49,353 I'm sorry. 468 00:18:49,456 --> 00:18:50,788 I have a confession. 469 00:18:50,857 --> 00:18:52,957 - I love that chicken. - Really? 470 00:18:52,992 --> 00:18:55,193 I-I didn't want to admit it because I like to see myself 471 00:18:55,295 --> 00:18:57,662 as a sort of, you know, sophisticated urbanite. 472 00:18:58,060 --> 00:18:59,297 But I guess you... 473 00:18:59,365 --> 00:19:00,732 you countrified me a little. 474 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,867 Well, you citified me. 475 00:19:02,969 --> 00:19:04,836 - Aww, that's kind of sweet. - It is. 476 00:19:04,904 --> 00:19:06,304 You know, now we just need to find an activity 477 00:19:06,372 --> 00:19:09,407 that satisfies the straw-chewing country boy in you 478 00:19:09,509 --> 00:19:12,643 and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me. 479 00:19:14,547 --> 00:19:16,748 Drive up the road a piece. 480 00:19:17,335 --> 00:19:19,350 Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat? 481 00:19:19,452 --> 00:19:20,818 Because I just... I love the scent. 482 00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:23,221 Collar up or down? 483 00:19:23,256 --> 00:19:24,388 Uh, down. 484 00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:26,290 Yeah. 485 00:19:29,122 --> 00:19:30,762 You'll pay for that! 486 00:19:32,198 --> 00:19:34,065 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 487 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,067 Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection! 488 00:19:36,136 --> 00:19:38,736 I told you that churro was going to drink up my lipstick. 489 00:19:38,838 --> 00:19:40,705 Time in! 490 00:19:40,807 --> 00:19:42,206 Oh, my God! 491 00:19:42,308 --> 00:19:44,509 Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose! 492 00:19:44,577 --> 00:19:46,377 It's really jammed up there! 493 00:19:46,479 --> 00:19:49,514 Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley. 494 00:19:49,616 --> 00:19:51,482 I'll... I'll hit you from the other side. 495 00:19:53,199 --> 00:19:55,787 What are you doing? 496 00:19:58,091 --> 00:20:00,892 Just want to let you know, the x-ray shows no broken nose. 497 00:20:00,994 --> 00:20:03,194 I guess you figured out we were acting kind of childish. 498 00:20:03,296 --> 00:20:04,762 Enjoy it while you can, right? 499 00:20:04,864 --> 00:20:07,765 Yeah. Who says we have to race into being adults? 500 00:20:07,867 --> 00:20:09,433 Why wouldn't you want to enjoy a carefree life 501 00:20:09,536 --> 00:20:10,735 as long as you could? 502 00:20:10,837 --> 00:20:12,103 At least until the baby comes. 503 00:20:12,205 --> 00:20:13,885 Oh, that's years away. Trust me. 504 00:20:14,541 --> 00:20:17,441 Actually, we always run a blood test before anesthesia. 505 00:20:17,544 --> 00:20:18,709 You're pregnant. 506 00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:28,014 We can be here all night. 507 00:20:28,117 --> 00:20:29,316 I couldn't. 508 00:20:29,418 --> 00:20:31,451 I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's. 509 00:20:31,553 --> 00:20:33,787 By the time I got there, the Polish sausage 510 00:20:33,856 --> 00:20:36,623 was gonna be down to those puckered end pieces. 511 00:20:41,430 --> 00:20:43,230 Listen, I'll meet you halfway. 512 00:20:43,298 --> 00:20:44,531 When your mother's not looking, 513 00:20:44,633 --> 00:20:46,533 you eat a beet, I eat a beet. 514 00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:47,801 Deal? 515 00:20:49,905 --> 00:20:52,038 Mi amor, can I get some wine? 516 00:20:53,575 --> 00:20:55,308 That was Estefan's father. 517 00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:57,477 The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him. 518 00:20:57,579 --> 00:21:00,814 I need to stop by the ATM and then go to his house. 519 00:21:00,916 --> 00:21:04,391 When your daddy's not looking, let's split the beets, okay? 520 00:21:08,624 --> 00:21:11,191 Fine. I'm ready to eat these, 521 00:21:11,293 --> 00:21:12,526 but can we turn off the lights 522 00:21:12,628 --> 00:21:14,694 so I don't have to see how gross they are? 523 00:21:14,796 --> 00:21:16,196 - Makes sense. - Good idea. 524 00:21:19,449 --> 00:21:22,302 - Bravo, papi! - That's my guy! 525 00:21:25,577 --> 00:21:27,599 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com