1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,251
Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.

2
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:06,838
So, he's still alive...

3
00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:09,407
Must mean you haven't told
Mom you're pregnant yet.

4
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,010
We want to be careful to do it right.

5
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,513
Now you're being careful?

6
00:00:13,548 --> 00:00:15,081
I can't keep this secret anymore.

7
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,081
Look at me!

8
00:00:16,832 --> 00:00:17,884
Ugh. She's going gray.

9
00:00:17,919 --> 00:00:19,419
Oh my God, she is!

10
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:20,952
I was just gasping at the haircut.

11
00:00:20,989 --> 00:00:24,690
Apparently, this is what
happens when I feel stress now.

12
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,492
Well, we're telling them today, okay?

13
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,927
That way, if Mom freaks,

14
00:00:27,962 --> 00:00:30,629
she'll have 10 days in
Bermuda to calm down.

15
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,165
Okay, then go now!

16
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,201
She's never in a better
mood than on Christmas Eve.

17
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:35,836
Wait, is this a good way to tell her?

18
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:37,705
We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire,"

19
00:00:37,739 --> 00:00:39,172
and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma,"

20
00:00:39,208 --> 00:00:41,442
we go,
"Tell that to Haley and my's baby."

21
00:00:43,799 --> 00:00:46,232
Promise me you won't
home school this kid.

22
00:00:47,736 --> 00:00:49,303
Hey, Mom. What are you doing?

23
00:00:49,337 --> 00:00:52,574
Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.

24
00:00:52,608 --> 00:00:53,742
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

25
00:00:53,776 --> 00:00:55,276
You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card.

26
00:00:55,312 --> 00:00:58,580
You know how sensitive he gets
about his piano placement.

27
00:00:58,615 --> 00:01:00,481
Remember that one year where his card

28
00:01:00,517 --> 00:01:03,251
was slightly behind the one
from our old babysitter?

29
00:01:03,286 --> 00:01:05,286
Mm, I believe
he spoke the charming phrase,

30
00:01:05,321 --> 00:01:06,788
"And who is this whore?"

31
00:01:06,822 --> 00:01:09,024
Well, Christmas
is at Grandpa's this year,

32
00:01:09,059 --> 00:01:12,361
so Cam will never see it.

33
00:01:12,397 --> 00:01:14,096
Check out the sledding polar bear paper.

34
00:01:14,132 --> 00:01:15,864
Can't look at that and not
be in a good mood, huh?

35
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:16,698
Yeah.

36
00:01:16,733 --> 00:01:18,600
I am so sick of that stuff.

37
00:01:18,635 --> 00:01:21,403
I ordered five rolls from
some kid for a school drive.

38
00:01:21,439 --> 00:01:24,207
He shows up with fifty... his fault.

39
00:01:24,242 --> 00:01:25,373
Kid bursts into tears.

40
00:01:25,409 --> 00:01:27,409
Like it's on me that he can't count?

41
00:01:27,445 --> 00:01:29,611
- I was six, Mom.
- Mm.

42
00:01:32,049 --> 00:01:34,351
Bermuda just gets it...

43
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,285
formal yet casual.

44
00:01:36,321 --> 00:01:38,287
And home of the most perfectly tanned

45
00:01:38,323 --> 00:01:40,690
lower thigh,
upper knee region in the world.

46
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,025
Not hard to pick out a
Bermudan in a locker room.

47
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,428
No. Oh, hang on.

48
00:01:45,464 --> 00:01:48,031
Wait. Well, this can't be right.

49
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,032
This itinerary says
we're on four flights

50
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,234
with three layovers.

51
00:01:51,269 --> 00:01:52,602
Oh, yeah, um...

52
00:01:52,638 --> 00:01:55,173
remember how I found that
amazing airline deal online?

53
00:01:55,208 --> 00:01:58,075
Yeah, but two of these
layovers are six hours each.

54
00:01:58,110 --> 00:01:59,977
Yes, but the third one's
only 12 minutes.

55
00:02:00,013 --> 00:02:01,312
But it's at O'Hare.

56
00:02:01,348 --> 00:02:02,613
Honey, we'll have to sprint

57
00:02:02,649 --> 00:02:03,982
from one end of the
airport to the other.

58
00:02:04,017 --> 00:02:06,583
It'll all be worth it when
we wake up on December 27th

59
00:02:06,619 --> 00:02:09,253
in Bermuda,
where the forecast predicts...

60
00:02:09,288 --> 00:02:11,021
hot fog.

61
00:02:11,056 --> 00:02:12,357
Can't we just take a direct flight?

62
00:02:12,392 --> 00:02:14,526
There's no changes,
the terms were very clear.

63
00:02:14,562 --> 00:02:16,628
It was part of a promotion
for a new website

64
00:02:16,664 --> 00:02:17,895
called Tickets. Plane.

65
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,300
Oh, yeah, I have a showing
right down the street.

66
00:02:21,335 --> 00:02:22,867
Okay. Wait, hang on.

67
00:02:22,902 --> 00:02:23,769
Don't leave. Don't leave.

68
00:02:23,804 --> 00:02:25,837
What is Economy Minus?

69
00:02:25,872 --> 00:02:28,507
A plus, actually,

70
00:02:28,542 --> 00:02:30,575
since no one's jealous of
people with aisle seats,

71
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:34,681
because it's basically two
innovative 18-person benches

72
00:02:34,716 --> 00:02:35,714
facing each other.

73
00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:37,850
Phil?

74
00:02:39,621 --> 00:02:40,586
What?

75
00:02:40,622 --> 00:02:41,621
Nothing.

76
00:02:57,807 --> 00:02:59,307
Who moved Cam's card?

77
00:02:59,342 --> 00:03:02,108
He's gonna be very upset
if he's not on the mantel!

78
00:03:02,145 --> 00:03:03,510
I put it in a drawer until he gets here.

79
00:03:03,546 --> 00:03:05,078
That glitter was getting on everything.

80
00:03:05,113 --> 00:03:07,380
I breathed some of that in.

81
00:03:07,416 --> 00:03:09,249
I cough gold now.

82
00:03:09,284 --> 00:03:12,086
Gloria, you got a package from Colombia.

83
00:03:12,121 --> 00:03:14,088
Must mean the government
took back the airstrip.

84
00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:18,125
Those are the gifts from my cousins!

85
00:03:19,326 --> 00:03:20,896
Beautiful!

86
00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:25,367
Back home we call these
suéteres de Navidad.

87
00:03:25,402 --> 00:03:27,069
So... Christmas sweaters.

88
00:03:27,103 --> 00:03:30,571
Put them on so we can take a picture.

89
00:03:30,607 --> 00:03:32,506
Wow, these are really soft.

90
00:03:32,542 --> 00:03:34,309
Damn cozy is what they are.

91
00:03:34,345 --> 00:03:37,680
Oh, look,
they also sent a banana leaf wreath.

92
00:03:38,678 --> 00:03:39,681
Banana spider!

93
00:03:39,717 --> 00:03:40,850
- What?
- What is that?

94
00:03:40,885 --> 00:03:42,685
It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!

95
00:03:42,721 --> 00:03:43,619
I know what deadly means!

96
00:03:43,654 --> 00:03:44,686
Well, where'd it go?

97
00:03:44,722 --> 00:03:45,822
I'm wearing backless house slippers!

98
00:03:45,857 --> 00:03:46,656
I think it ran over to the...

99
00:03:48,625 --> 00:03:50,660
He took the tree!

100
00:03:50,695 --> 00:03:52,961
Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy?

101
00:03:52,996 --> 00:03:54,209
The sweaters.

102
00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:56,666
Where there's one, there's many!

103
00:03:56,702 --> 00:03:57,467
- Run!
- Let's go!

104
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,271
Dear God, he's got the remote.

105
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,376
Okay, smile!

106
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,009
Can we go look at phones after this?

107
00:04:07,045 --> 00:04:09,746
No, Lily, you are not getting
a cell phone for Christmas.

108
00:04:09,781 --> 00:04:11,414
They're expensive,
and you haven't proven yourself

109
00:04:11,449 --> 00:04:13,684
responsible enough to own one yet.

110
00:04:13,718 --> 00:04:16,552
Uh, I was responsible enough
to come to a foreign country

111
00:04:16,588 --> 00:04:17,988
and build a life with two strangers.

112
00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:20,391
Okay, you used that one to get
a later bedtime, all right?

113
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,259
Oh, Cal, you're next.

114
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:23,762
Ho, ho, ho.

115
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,297
We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas.

116
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,432
It's tough with his mom being in prison.

117
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:32,370
Plus, his holiday season kind
of got off to a rough start.

118
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,805
You know, of all
of our wonderful ornament selects,

119
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,141
these are my fave.

120
00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,341
Merry Christmas!

121
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:39,512
From Mitch and Cam!

122
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,699
- He was fine. Fine!
- He was fine.

123
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,335
We barely got through three verses

124
00:05:02,371 --> 00:05:04,638
and a repeat chorus before
we realized our mistake.

125
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,872
- Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
- Yeah.

126
00:05:07,405 --> 00:05:09,675
Merry Christmas, little Cal!

127
00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:11,912
Lily, take your cousin over there.
Relax a little.

128
00:05:11,946 --> 00:05:12,812
Okay, go.

129
00:05:12,848 --> 00:05:14,180
- Hi!
- Hi!

130
00:05:14,215 --> 00:05:16,615
Hey, Santa. So, just wondering
if you could you do us a favor

131
00:05:16,651 --> 00:05:20,053
and tell us what our nephew
just asked for for Christmas?

132
00:05:20,089 --> 00:05:21,622
I know you. You're that lawyer.

133
00:05:21,657 --> 00:05:23,123
Oh, no. This is never good.

134
00:05:23,159 --> 00:05:25,726
You're the ADA who charged
me with public intoxication.

135
00:05:25,762 --> 00:05:28,262
Got me sentenced to fifty
hours community service...

136
00:05:28,298 --> 00:05:30,298
working as a mall Santa is part of it.

137
00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:33,200
Okay. Well, I'm sorry.
But can't we move past that?

138
00:05:33,236 --> 00:05:35,536
We really need to know
what our nephew asked for.

139
00:05:35,572 --> 00:05:37,637
He asked for a more
lenient justice system.

140
00:05:37,673 --> 00:05:39,874
Well, I doubt that.
He's pretty conservative.

141
00:05:39,910 --> 00:05:41,643
We have to pretend to be roommates.

142
00:05:41,679 --> 00:05:42,910
Can we move this along?

143
00:05:42,946 --> 00:05:44,912
I only have my kids for
four hours this week.

144
00:05:47,193 --> 00:05:48,958
Merry Christmas.

145
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:50,794
You know what? As a former mall Santa,

146
00:05:50,830 --> 00:05:52,830
I vowed never to comment
on a sitting Santa,

147
00:05:52,864 --> 00:05:54,797
but you're a disgrace
to the red and white.

148
00:05:55,934 --> 00:05:57,533
Phil, I just got
off the phone with my dad.

149
00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,403
We're moving Christmas Eve to our house.

150
00:05:59,437 --> 00:06:00,505
I got to run out and get some groceries.

151
00:06:00,540 --> 00:06:01,839
See you soon. Bye.

152
00:06:04,009 --> 00:06:04,942
Where's the tree?

153
00:06:04,978 --> 00:06:06,745
Where are the gifts?

154
00:06:06,779 --> 00:06:09,680
I assumed you canceled Christmas
because you found out that I...

155
00:06:10,983 --> 00:06:12,216
But I interrupted you.

156
00:06:12,252 --> 00:06:13,884
Did your dad take them to his showing?

157
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,286
He's always doing this...
he steals my decorations

158
00:06:16,322 --> 00:06:18,555
to stage his houses to make them homier.

159
00:06:18,591 --> 00:06:20,825
He swore he would stop doing this!

160
00:06:20,861 --> 00:06:22,227
At least he left the "wreaf."

161
00:06:22,263 --> 00:06:23,294
Wreath.

162
00:06:23,330 --> 00:06:24,630
Eh, I've heard it both ways.

163
00:06:24,664 --> 00:06:26,631
No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right.

164
00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:28,700
What are we supposed to do?

165
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:30,835
We can't host a Christmas
without a tree.

166
00:06:30,871 --> 00:06:32,737
I thought you weren't allowed
to host Christmas anymore

167
00:06:32,774 --> 00:06:33,739
after last year.

168
00:06:35,676 --> 00:06:38,376
I took a swing at a new
way to prepare turkey.

169
00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:43,276
Well, this is frozen.

170
00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:45,076
No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone.

171
00:06:45,112 --> 00:06:46,511
I saw this on "Top Chef."

172
00:06:46,547 --> 00:06:49,281
They cooked an entire
turkey in one hour.

173
00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:50,817
Luke had some, you're fine.
Aren't you, buddy?

174
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:53,352
Check on Joe.

175
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,529
Oh, your father isn't answering.

176
00:07:03,565 --> 00:07:04,798
You knew about this, didn't you?

177
00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:06,099
I could tell you were hiding something.

178
00:07:10,505 --> 00:07:12,306
Phil?

179
00:07:12,341 --> 00:07:14,041
Phil!

180
00:07:14,075 --> 00:07:15,041
Ph... Oh!

181
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:17,911
This theater is totally soundproof,

182
00:07:17,947 --> 00:07:21,647
so no one will hear you yelling at
Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy.

183
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:22,783
She does get loud.

184
00:07:27,389 --> 00:07:29,157
So, all of this,

185
00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:31,292
plus it's in a great school
dist... rict.

186
00:07:31,328 --> 00:07:33,795
Oh my God,
was this house just robbed?

187
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:35,662
I told you this was a sketchy area.

188
00:07:35,698 --> 00:07:37,398
I am not going through
another home invasion

189
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:40,468
with the kids and me banging
on the panic room door.

190
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,339
So, you guys chat, and I'll,
uh, take a minute,

191
00:07:43,373 --> 00:07:45,640
see if I can find a replacement tree

192
00:07:45,675 --> 00:07:47,743
and nine identically wrapped gifts.

193
00:07:49,046 --> 00:07:51,680
It's the perfect way to get
your mom in a good mood.

194
00:07:51,716 --> 00:07:53,882
Think about it...
cupcakes are little cakes

195
00:07:53,918 --> 00:07:55,717
just like babies are little people.

196
00:07:55,752 --> 00:07:56,918
I guess.

197
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,454
I just want this to go well.

198
00:07:58,488 --> 00:07:59,921
I'm in a really good
place with this baby,

199
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,123
and I want my mom to be, too.

200
00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:04,027
She wasn't in the
best mood this morning.

201
00:08:04,061 --> 00:08:05,061
It's Christmas Eve.

202
00:08:05,097 --> 00:08:07,696
She can't stay a Grinch all day.

203
00:08:17,099 --> 00:08:18,111
Thank you.

204
00:08:18,856 --> 00:08:20,047
That was the exterminator.

205
00:08:20,071 --> 00:08:21,501
He is, uh, on his way,

206
00:08:21,539 --> 00:08:23,739
but he's gonna have to tent
the house for a couple of days.

207
00:08:23,773 --> 00:08:26,442
And I'm trying to book us a hotel,
but the call keeps dropping.

208
00:08:26,478 --> 00:08:28,778
Joe, let's go to the backyard.
There's better reception.

209
00:08:30,781 --> 00:08:32,449
Hey, listen. I left something inside.

210
00:08:32,483 --> 00:08:35,050
I need you to get it for me.
This should keep you safe.

211
00:08:35,087 --> 00:08:37,353
Are you crazy? I'm not going
back into that spider's nest.

212
00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:38,722
Fine, I hate them, too.

213
00:08:38,757 --> 00:08:41,523
The problem is,
they're attracted to my musk.

214
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,358
I went to the insect room
at the zoo a while back,

215
00:08:43,395 --> 00:08:45,296
and they all started banging
on the glass like inmates.

216
00:08:45,330 --> 00:08:46,796
What'd you leave in there
that's so important?

217
00:08:46,833 --> 00:08:47,764
It's a medication.

218
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,267
I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom

219
00:08:50,302 --> 00:08:51,469
'cause I didn't want her to worry.

220
00:08:51,503 --> 00:08:53,803
Can we just stop by a liquor store
and refill your "prescription."

221
00:08:53,839 --> 00:08:55,739
It's a medicine! Look...

222
00:08:55,774 --> 00:08:58,475
I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa.

223
00:08:58,511 --> 00:09:01,011
One that might add a,
uh, hot stone massage,

224
00:09:01,046 --> 00:09:02,513
an herbal soak...

225
00:09:02,547 --> 00:09:04,080
Do I look like someone
who can be bought?

226
00:09:04,117 --> 00:09:06,118
No, but you do look like
someone who might enjoy

227
00:09:06,153 --> 00:09:08,119
a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.

228
00:09:09,489 --> 00:09:11,188
You son of a bitch.

229
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:16,360
So, Cal, what did you
and Santa talk about?

230
00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,393
It's a secret.

231
00:09:19,427 --> 00:09:20,693
Me, I'd be fine with just cash.

232
00:09:20,730 --> 00:09:21,961
You guys have enough on your plate.

233
00:09:21,998 --> 00:09:23,931
Okay, you're not buying yourself
a phone, all right?

234
00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:25,465
Ooh, Santa's on break.

235
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,601
Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again.

236
00:09:27,638 --> 00:09:29,770
You guys need me...
maybe throw a please in there.

237
00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:31,840
- Yeah. Hi!
- Hi!

238
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:33,574
Oh, it really is the most
wonderful time of the year.

239
00:09:33,610 --> 00:09:35,843
- Beautiful.
- Isn't it? So, listen, do you mind if...

240
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:38,580
Do you think you're the first parents
wanting to take a peek at my scroll?

241
00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:39,947
Better stick something in my bootie.

242
00:09:39,982 --> 00:09:41,316
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry. What?

243
00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:43,351
Cash in the slipper, perv.

244
00:09:43,386 --> 00:09:44,486
Oh. Do you wanna...

245
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,790
Yeah, yeah, I got...
I got, uh... I've got $10.

246
00:09:47,824 --> 00:09:49,257
Thank you.

247
00:09:49,294 --> 00:09:50,726
No, this is just a list of toys.

248
00:09:50,761 --> 00:09:52,294
None of the kids'
names are next to them.

249
00:09:52,329 --> 00:09:54,362
Oh, oh. You know what?

250
00:09:54,399 --> 00:09:55,731
Uh, we'll look
at pictures of Cal in line

251
00:09:55,766 --> 00:09:57,533
and then match the kids up behind him

252
00:09:57,568 --> 00:09:59,001
with the toys on the list.

253
00:09:59,036 --> 00:10:00,402
Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid,

254
00:10:00,438 --> 00:10:01,636
he maybe wants the, uh...

255
00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:02,637
There's no time to be
politically correct.

256
00:10:02,674 --> 00:10:03,472
- He wants the calculator.
- Calculator.

257
00:10:05,385 --> 00:10:06,919
- And he wants it bad.
- Yeah.

258
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,454
Wait, does that mean that this little
boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?

259
00:10:09,489 --> 00:10:10,789
Yep, look at the turned-out foot.

260
00:10:10,824 --> 00:10:12,558
- Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.
- Hey!

261
00:10:12,593 --> 00:10:14,059
Which means Cal wants...

262
00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:15,026
Hot Wheels!

263
00:10:15,061 --> 00:10:16,661
Okay, okay.

264
00:10:16,696 --> 00:10:17,496
Let's go.

265
00:10:17,531 --> 00:10:19,031
- Thank you!
- Thank you.

266
00:10:19,065 --> 00:10:20,531
Uhh...

267
00:10:20,568 --> 00:10:22,568
Don't worry. They come back.

268
00:10:26,207 --> 00:10:27,907
Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.

269
00:10:27,942 --> 00:10:29,742
No, but we're gonna tell them in song.

270
00:10:29,777 --> 00:10:31,377
Listen to this part.

271
00:10:37,088 --> 00:10:38,450
I love it!

272
00:10:38,487 --> 00:10:41,488
She's lying. She just wants us to get
it over with so her eczema will go away.

273
00:10:41,522 --> 00:10:43,455
I don't have... Oh, my God!

274
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:46,359
Okay, you got this.

275
00:10:46,393 --> 00:10:47,493
You're quicker than those things.

276
00:10:47,528 --> 00:10:49,028
- I doubt that.
- You're smarter.

277
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,397
I can't make a web out of nothing.

278
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:52,666
- Plus, you got a weapon.
- A leaf blower?

279
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:55,302
Hey, that thing can blow a
Pomeranian through a hedge.

280
00:10:55,337 --> 00:10:57,138
Let's just say little
Mimi from next door

281
00:10:57,172 --> 00:10:58,873
won't be visiting our lawn anymore.

282
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,374
Now hurry up before your mom gets back.

283
00:11:01,476 --> 00:11:03,711
We'll be in constant communication.

284
00:11:03,745 --> 00:11:05,946
Go. Go, go, go.

285
00:11:05,981 --> 00:11:07,715
Keep your head on a swivel.

286
00:11:07,749 --> 00:11:10,151
Head for my bathroom. Remember.

287
00:11:10,187 --> 00:11:12,654
That spider can sense the
subtlest sign of fear.

288
00:11:13,508 --> 00:11:15,289
Something just ran past my foot.

289
00:11:21,797 --> 00:11:22,929
Damn it, the power's out!

290
00:11:22,963 --> 00:11:24,396
Then so am I!

291
00:11:24,432 --> 00:11:26,531
No! You just leveled the playing field.

292
00:11:26,568 --> 00:11:27,600
They have eight eyes.

293
00:11:27,635 --> 00:11:29,000
You only have two.

294
00:11:29,037 --> 00:11:30,804
You just took away their one advantage.

295
00:11:31,468 --> 00:11:33,434
What about their sac of poison?

296
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:37,737
Okay, I'm in the bathroom.

297
00:11:37,774 --> 00:11:39,873
Good, good. The medication...

298
00:11:39,909 --> 00:11:41,775
is down below in the cabinet.

299
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:44,545
You want me to reach my hand
into a dark, damp breeding ground?

300
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:47,347
It's all the way in the
back on the far right.

301
00:11:47,382 --> 00:11:49,382
Just feel around for the jar.

302
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:50,919
So, skitter my hand back and forth?

303
00:11:50,954 --> 00:11:53,287
That's basically a spider mating dance!

304
00:11:57,393 --> 00:11:59,060
Got it.

305
00:11:59,095 --> 00:12:00,295
Whoa! Ow!

306
00:12:00,330 --> 00:12:02,064
Talk to me, over.

307
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:04,900
Manny!

308
00:12:07,539 --> 00:12:08,970
Not leaving!

309
00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:10,873
Still shopping!

310
00:12:10,908 --> 00:12:13,008
As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough,

311
00:12:13,043 --> 00:12:14,444
now that we were hosting Christmas,

312
00:12:14,479 --> 00:12:16,613
I had to get a new tree
and gifts into the house

313
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:17,814
before Claire got home.

314
00:12:17,849 --> 00:12:20,316
Fortunately,
I had a copy of her gift list.

315
00:12:20,351 --> 00:12:22,719
It was eerie how many of these events

316
00:12:22,753 --> 00:12:25,187
were lining up with the plot of
my children's book in progress,

317
00:12:25,223 --> 00:12:26,822
"The Realtor Who Saved Christmas."

318
00:12:29,954 --> 00:12:31,822
- Hello?
- Buddy, I need a favor.

319
00:12:31,856 --> 00:12:33,289
Remember that polar bear wrapping paper

320
00:12:33,325 --> 00:12:35,325
you made us buy so much of
because you can't do math?

321
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,860
- Uh-huh.
- Grab a couple rolls of it,

322
00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:39,096
meet me out in front of
the house in 20 minutes.

323
00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:41,664
We're all out. Mom used the
last of it on this year's gifts.

324
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:45,235
Damn it! I need a bunch of it.
Where am I supposed to f...

325
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,092
Well, we got what we need.

326
00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:10,028
I'm glad someone's getting
what they want this year.

327
00:13:10,063 --> 00:13:11,361
You know what? Here, take my phone.

328
00:13:11,398 --> 00:13:13,665
If you can get through a day
without losing it, it's yours.

329
00:13:19,873 --> 00:13:22,074
You must've run through some hairspray.

330
00:13:22,108 --> 00:13:23,608
Your boots are like flypaper.

331
00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:24,876
That's why that spray was banned.

332
00:13:24,911 --> 00:13:27,512
Birds were flying over the factory
and getting stuck together.

333
00:13:28,815 --> 00:13:30,782
Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.

334
00:13:30,818 --> 00:13:32,484
This is your medication?

335
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:34,086
"Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?"

336
00:13:34,122 --> 00:13:35,555
I suffer from dry elbow.

337
00:13:35,589 --> 00:13:37,123
That's what I risked my life for?

338
00:13:37,158 --> 00:13:40,359
Supple elbows are heavily
featured in every good power pose.

339
00:13:43,317 --> 00:13:44,785
That's how I got the
cover to Closet World.

340
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:46,585
I literally elbowed my way to the top.

341
00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:49,589
I booked us a hotel.

342
00:13:49,624 --> 00:13:51,424
Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe.

343
00:13:52,927 --> 00:13:53,728
Fix that.

344
00:13:58,401 --> 00:13:59,866
What are you roasting
on the space heater?

345
00:13:59,903 --> 00:14:02,036
Oh, I threw those cards in the trash.

346
00:14:02,071 --> 00:14:03,537
They got all soggy.

347
00:14:03,572 --> 00:14:04,906
- Even Uncle Cam's?
- Mm-hmm.

348
00:14:04,941 --> 00:14:08,142
You have to save those for seven years,
like tax returns.

349
00:14:19,222 --> 00:14:21,190
- Hello, Phil.
- Oh!

350
00:14:21,225 --> 00:14:22,191
Oh, that's right.

351
00:14:22,226 --> 00:14:23,658
The tree's back where it belongs.

352
00:14:23,693 --> 00:14:24,793
You stole it?

353
00:14:24,828 --> 00:14:26,227
Oh, no, you did.

354
00:14:26,263 --> 00:14:29,096
Just like you stole my family
of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys,

355
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,599
my inflatable Easter bunny,

356
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:32,400
and my Uncle Sam piñata,

357
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:34,536
all for your open houses.

358
00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:38,963
Today was my chance to shed
a very unfair reputation.

359
00:14:38,999 --> 00:14:39,608
Claire...

360
00:14:39,644 --> 00:14:42,477
I put two people in
the hospital one time,

361
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,447
and now I'm a Christmas ruiner.

362
00:14:44,481 --> 00:14:45,648
Fire!

363
00:14:45,683 --> 00:14:47,717
Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher!

364
00:14:47,751 --> 00:14:50,220
Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! I knew it!

365
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:51,054
Stand back!

366
00:14:51,088 --> 00:14:52,454
Aah!

367
00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:53,423
The tree!

368
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:54,591
The tree, Phil!

369
00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:56,603
Do the tree, Phil. The gifts!

370
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,630
The... The... Honey...

371
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:01,131
It's out!

372
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:04,234
This must be the one Luke and I
used for our jet pack prototype.

373
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:08,606
You know, we're being crazy.
There is no perfect moment.

374
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,742
We're just going to walk in
there like adults and tell them.

375
00:15:21,413 --> 00:15:22,179
Honey...

376
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:23,280
It's no use.

377
00:15:23,315 --> 00:15:25,014
It's over, Phil.

378
00:15:25,051 --> 00:15:26,215
The house smells like smoke,

379
00:15:26,252 --> 00:15:27,251
we have no tree

380
00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:30,186
and nine scorched,
yet soaking-wet gifts.

381
00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:32,623
Worst of all,
I have to make Mitchell's day

382
00:15:32,657 --> 00:15:35,025
by telling him we're moving
the party to his house

383
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:39,364
and I'm on permanent
host probation forever.

384
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:40,831
Who knows?

385
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:44,436
Maybe in a couple years they'll
toss me a pity holiday...

386
00:15:44,470 --> 00:15:48,974
"Welcome to my non-alcoholic
Earth Day brunch."

387
00:15:49,998 --> 00:15:50,908
In brighter news,

388
00:15:50,944 --> 00:15:53,577
I am getting on a prop
plane in a couple hours.

389
00:15:53,613 --> 00:15:55,680
Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?

390
00:15:55,715 --> 00:15:56,649
Claire.

391
00:15:56,683 --> 00:15:58,717
Honey, I just can't right now.

392
00:15:58,753 --> 00:15:59,851
I'm not in the mood for...

393
00:16:03,602 --> 00:16:05,790
- How?
- Merry Christmas from me.

394
00:16:05,827 --> 00:16:09,428
Did you sneak out earlier and buy
all this stuff to cover your tracks?

395
00:16:09,463 --> 00:16:12,664
Or you can choose to believe
it's a Christmas miracle.

396
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,033
I choose miracle.

397
00:16:16,069 --> 00:16:17,437
Happy holidays!

398
00:16:17,472 --> 00:16:19,805
- Hey!
- Hey!

399
00:16:19,842 --> 00:16:21,540
Thank you for taking over.

400
00:16:21,577 --> 00:16:23,142
- You saved the day!
- Merry Christmas.

401
00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:25,245
Well, you know, it's kind of what I do.

402
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,512
Come on, drinks in the kitchen.

403
00:16:26,548 --> 00:16:28,247
- Yay! All right!
- All right!

404
00:16:32,285 --> 00:16:34,719
Ooh, Manny,
what's up with the noggin bump?

405
00:16:34,756 --> 00:16:35,587
What? Where?

406
00:16:35,952 --> 00:16:36,655
Oh, no.

407
00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:38,657
That looks like a banana spider bite!

408
00:16:38,694 --> 00:16:40,127
It's not a bite, he bumped his head.

409
00:16:40,161 --> 00:16:41,560
No, that looks like a bite.

410
00:16:41,597 --> 00:16:44,564
My sister got bit by a Missouri
Silo Spider... lost a toe.

411
00:16:44,599 --> 00:16:47,566
Happy ending...
she was born with eleven.

412
00:16:47,603 --> 00:16:49,201
Manny, we need to get that checked.

413
00:16:49,237 --> 00:16:50,469
There is an antidote,

414
00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:52,973
but if you have never
been bitten by the spider,

415
00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:54,207
it might kill you.

416
00:16:54,242 --> 00:16:55,809
- Let's go to the car.
- I... Jay.

417
00:16:55,843 --> 00:16:57,276
Stop! He wasn't bitten.

418
00:16:57,311 --> 00:16:58,912
He bumped his head when
he went back in the house

419
00:16:58,948 --> 00:17:00,782
to grab my... medication.

420
00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:02,682
What medication?

421
00:17:02,719 --> 00:17:04,252
Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay?

422
00:17:04,287 --> 00:17:06,086
We're gonna get through this, buddy.

423
00:17:06,122 --> 00:17:08,623
It's an elbow cream that I secretly use

424
00:17:08,658 --> 00:17:10,658
every night after Gloria falls asleep.

425
00:17:10,692 --> 00:17:14,094
You sent our son into the
nest of a deadly spider

426
00:17:14,130 --> 00:17:15,162
for a beauty cream?

427
00:17:15,198 --> 00:17:16,497
It's a medicine

428
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:19,867
that treats the heartbreaking
condition of dry elbow!

429
00:17:19,903 --> 00:17:22,604
It requires a
veterinarian's prescription

430
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,339
because it's primarily used
on rhinos and elephants.

431
00:17:26,777 --> 00:17:29,678
I see on our march to
become a perfect society,

432
00:17:29,712 --> 00:17:31,246
elbow shaming is still allowed.

433
00:17:32,249 --> 00:17:33,981
I get a little dry sometimes.

434
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:36,884
Hey! You're just as much a
person as everybody else.

435
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,854
I can't believe that
you're so vain that you...

436
00:17:38,889 --> 00:17:42,357
Wait, is that my Christmas card
stuck on the bottom of your shoe?

437
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,493
And why... why is it singed?

438
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:46,162
Ugh, you got to be less about the cards.

439
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,830
We all think it.

440
00:17:47,865 --> 00:17:51,067
Didn't you empty a can of powerful
hairspray in the bathroom?

441
00:17:52,162 --> 00:17:53,126
And did you go in there, too?

442
00:17:55,632 --> 00:17:59,232
Fine! I needed something, okay?

443
00:17:59,269 --> 00:18:01,502
But at least I went in myself.

444
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,938
After you offered me $20 and I said no.

445
00:18:04,808 --> 00:18:06,441
Some of us can't be bought.

446
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,909
What did you need?

447
00:18:07,944 --> 00:18:10,479
Whatever it is,
we're gonna get through this.

448
00:18:10,513 --> 00:18:12,414
A night guard.

449
00:18:12,449 --> 00:18:14,950
I didn't want to tell you,
but every night,

450
00:18:14,984 --> 00:18:17,685
I wait for you to fall asleep,
so I put it on.

451
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,655
It's so unattractive.

452
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:20,623
That's it?

453
00:18:20,658 --> 00:18:23,960
Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth!

454
00:18:23,994 --> 00:18:26,229
Oh, that really humanizes her.

455
00:18:26,263 --> 00:18:27,396
I don't care for it.

456
00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:32,288
Okay, one of my teeth is loose.

457
00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:33,723
I am begging you to tell them.

458
00:18:33,758 --> 00:18:34,791
That's what this is.

459
00:18:34,826 --> 00:18:36,358
I'm coming down the chimney as Santa,

460
00:18:36,394 --> 00:18:37,993
delighting Joe and Cal.

461
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,829
Mom will see how good he is with kids

462
00:18:39,864 --> 00:18:42,064
and then be super chill
with us being pregnant.

463
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:43,300
Ugh...

464
00:18:44,169 --> 00:18:45,068
Uh-oh.

465
00:18:45,103 --> 00:18:46,570
I'm stuck.

466
00:18:46,605 --> 00:18:47,971
Okay, everybody, come on, picture time!

467
00:18:48,006 --> 00:18:49,372
In front of the tree, let's go.

468
00:18:49,407 --> 00:18:50,607
Oh, God. Just be quiet!

469
00:18:50,643 --> 00:18:52,275
There you are. Okay, where's Dylan?

470
00:18:52,311 --> 00:18:53,709
Aww, Mom.

471
00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:55,512
What? We need somebody
to take the picture.

472
00:18:55,548 --> 00:18:56,547
Harsh.

473
00:18:57,515 --> 00:18:58,715
What was that?

474
00:18:58,751 --> 00:19:01,185
Don't we always have the fire on?

475
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:02,486
- No!
- I'm sure we do.

476
00:19:02,522 --> 00:19:05,523
Last year we used it to finish
cooking Claire's turkey pieces.

477
00:19:05,559 --> 00:19:06,991
Jay, go turn it on.

478
00:19:07,026 --> 00:19:08,126
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

479
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,027
Every... Everybody 12 and under, out.

480
00:19:10,062 --> 00:19:13,564
What? Honey, what's going on?

481
00:19:14,568 --> 00:19:15,699
Dylan's stuck in the chimney.

482
00:19:17,637 --> 00:19:18,570
Why?

483
00:19:18,604 --> 00:19:19,704
He's dressed up as Santa.

484
00:19:19,738 --> 00:19:21,071
He was gonna hand
presents out to the kids.

485
00:19:21,107 --> 00:19:22,140
Aww.

486
00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:24,310
Don't tell them now.
I want to be with you!

487
00:19:25,412 --> 00:19:26,178
Tell us what?

488
00:19:26,214 --> 00:19:27,345
Nothing. It can wait.

489
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:28,980
No, it can't! Please!

490
00:19:29,015 --> 00:19:30,682
My organs are shutting down!

491
00:19:30,717 --> 00:19:32,150
Okay, fine. I...

492
00:19:34,287 --> 00:19:36,755
We have an announcement.

493
00:19:40,358 --> 00:19:41,890
Dylan and I are having a baby.

494
00:19:44,397 --> 00:19:45,929
Are they smiling?

495
00:19:45,965 --> 00:19:47,864
You're pregnant?

496
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:48,788
Yes.

497
00:19:49,835 --> 00:19:52,002
And w-we're really happy about it.

498
00:19:52,037 --> 00:19:54,471
Why wouldn't you be?

499
00:19:54,506 --> 00:19:55,305
Wow!

500
00:19:56,342 --> 00:19:57,574
Mom?

501
00:19:57,610 --> 00:20:01,411
It's... it's a lot
to process at once, and...

502
00:20:05,117 --> 00:20:07,084
A baby. Unbelievable!

503
00:20:08,287 --> 00:20:12,023
- Congratulations!
- Oh, my gosh! A baby!

504
00:20:12,058 --> 00:20:13,458
Oh, God.

505
00:20:13,494 --> 00:20:16,260
You handled that a lot better
than I did back in the day.

506
00:20:17,006 --> 00:20:17,728
Outside.

507
00:20:17,764 --> 00:20:19,530
- On the inside, I'm you.
- Mm-hmm.

508
00:20:19,565 --> 00:20:21,165
Can somebody save my life?

509
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,034
- Oh, Cam, grab a foot.
- Yep.

510
00:20:24,204 --> 00:20:25,637
God, he's really wedged in there.

511
00:20:25,672 --> 00:20:27,440
Ah, if only we had some
kind of award-winning,

512
00:20:27,475 --> 00:20:28,908
placenta-based lubricant.

513
00:20:28,942 --> 00:20:29,976
Fine!

514
00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:32,411
Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this.

515
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:35,280
I can't believe a little
Dylan is gonna pop out of you!

516
00:20:35,316 --> 00:20:36,516
What would that even look like?

517
00:20:37,114 --> 00:20:38,817
Oh!

518
00:20:42,289 --> 00:20:43,788
Everybody come on in for the picture!

519
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:45,025
I'll set the timer.

520
00:20:45,059 --> 00:20:47,294
This is all gonna work out, right?

521
00:20:47,328 --> 00:20:48,595
Definitely. Yeah.

522
00:20:48,631 --> 00:20:51,198
Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready.

523
00:20:51,232 --> 00:20:53,834
Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!"

524
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:55,368
Baby!

525
00:21:28,267 --> 00:21:30,284
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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