1
00:00:22,006 --> 00:00:25,077
We're taking a four-week bicycle
trip through the vineyards of Italy!

2
00:00:25,146 --> 00:00:27,282
We figure that this summer,
our whole lives

3
00:00:27,351 --> 00:00:28,651
are gonna be turned upside-down

4
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:32,024
when Haley, Dylan,
and their twins move in with us,

5
00:00:32,093 --> 00:00:35,198
so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?

6
00:00:35,266 --> 00:00:36,834
So we've been hitting
the language tapes,

7
00:00:36,902 --> 00:00:38,738
the, uh... the stationary bikes,

8
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,343
and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire

9
00:00:41,412 --> 00:00:43,881
to prepare her for that
timeless Roman charm.

10
00:00:44,918 --> 00:00:47,455
I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's

11
00:00:47,557 --> 00:00:48,891
talking about going to Italy,

12
00:00:48,993 --> 00:00:50,261
it's actually happening.

13
00:00:50,363 --> 00:00:52,599
Ohh, American lady!

14
00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:54,469
Why do you do this to me?

15
00:00:54,571 --> 00:00:56,940
Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.

16
00:00:57,177 --> 00:00:57,976
What's that?

17
00:00:58,078 --> 00:01:02,084
Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us
into a converted castle in Tuscany

18
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,921
- for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat?

19
00:01:04,023 --> 00:01:06,627
I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.

20
00:01:06,729 --> 00:01:07,862
Looks like we're getting a refund,

21
00:01:07,964 --> 00:01:09,666
which means that we can afford to...

22
00:01:09,768 --> 00:01:11,270
To pay the dwarf who
will lower the drawbridge

23
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,939
if we answer his riddles three?

24
00:01:13,041 --> 00:01:15,378
I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.

25
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,248
This trip was such a great idea.

26
00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,319
- Oh, I know.
- Ah. Mwah!

27
00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:21,457
- Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.

28
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:22,859
It's weird to think
people will be calling us

29
00:01:22,961 --> 00:01:24,629
- Grandpa and...
- No, please don't say it.

30
00:01:24,731 --> 00:01:26,900
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.

31
00:01:27,002 --> 00:01:29,339
But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.

32
00:01:29,441 --> 00:01:31,243
- Gammy.
- Gammy.

33
00:01:31,345 --> 00:01:33,214
Well, let's take her for a spin.

34
00:01:33,316 --> 00:01:35,050
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!"

35
00:01:35,153 --> 00:01:37,622
"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."

36
00:01:37,724 --> 00:01:39,659
- Yeah, it does. It works.
- Mm. Yeah.

37
00:01:39,761 --> 00:01:42,097
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?

38
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,202
What is with all the boxes and the bags?

39
00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:46,773
Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,

40
00:01:46,876 --> 00:01:49,011
but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.

41
00:01:49,113 --> 00:01:51,082
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.

42
00:01:51,185 --> 00:01:52,485
- Yes.
- You look mad.

43
00:01:52,587 --> 00:01:54,121
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.

44
00:01:54,224 --> 00:01:55,858
I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment

45
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,462
if you weren't happy about it.

46
00:01:57,564 --> 00:01:58,998
But you're not unhappy about it, right?

47
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:00,701
- Right?
- Oh, honey. Oh, honey.

48
00:02:00,803 --> 00:02:03,307
Oh, my gosh,
you're the best. I love you so much.

49
00:02:05,045 --> 00:02:07,215
Wow! What a journey.

50
00:02:07,317 --> 00:02:09,819
What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?

51
00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:10,955
Oh, wait,
there was one more thing, um...

52
00:02:11,057 --> 00:02:13,059
Hey,
where should I put these boxes?

53
00:02:13,162 --> 00:02:16,233
My mom surprised us. We were hoping
she could stay a couple days.

54
00:02:16,335 --> 00:02:18,737
Hello, hello!

55
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,075
Well, it's about time we officially met,

56
00:02:21,178 --> 00:02:25,568
considering our DNA is already
swirling around in Haley's womb.

57
00:02:26,789 --> 00:02:27,855
Phil.

58
00:02:27,958 --> 00:02:29,492
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.

59
00:02:29,561 --> 00:02:30,761
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.

60
00:02:31,799 --> 00:02:33,467
- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.

61
00:02:33,536 --> 00:02:35,871
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people

62
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:38,109
with my work in the protest movement.

63
00:02:38,179 --> 00:02:40,848
Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?

64
00:02:40,917 --> 00:02:43,487
- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah

65
00:02:43,556 --> 00:02:45,257
- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,

66
00:02:45,326 --> 00:02:48,631
I just need two weight-bearing
hooks spaced seven feet apart.

67
00:02:48,699 --> 00:02:50,434
This kimono converts to a hammock.

68
00:02:50,536 --> 00:02:51,503
Ah.

69
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,507
- Pronto!
- Italy!

70
00:02:53,609 --> 00:02:54,876
- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.

71
00:02:54,978 --> 00:02:56,078
- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.

72
00:02:56,181 --> 00:02:57,682
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!

73
00:02:57,751 --> 00:02:59,819
Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.

74
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:00,988
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!

75
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:03,126
No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets.

76
00:03:04,631 --> 00:03:06,266
Is that the way she
treats all head injuries?

77
00:03:06,368 --> 00:03:07,969
Because I've got a theory.

78
00:03:22,476 --> 00:03:25,371
I want to give these old
toys to Haley's babies.

79
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:28,076
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!

80
00:03:28,179 --> 00:03:31,249
Now I have room in the
closet for my lizard.

81
00:03:31,351 --> 00:03:34,889
Lizard? I thought that you were
just going to the pet shop to look.

82
00:03:34,991 --> 00:03:36,626
I can't say no to that face.

83
00:03:36,729 --> 00:03:38,697
You're gonna have to be bad cop
'til puberty,

84
00:03:38,799 --> 00:03:40,167
you know,
when the Pritchett Adam's apple

85
00:03:40,269 --> 00:03:42,037
and fuzz-stache show up.

86
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:45,411
Manny, you should also give
something for the twins.

87
00:03:45,513 --> 00:03:47,381
You both are gonna be uncles.

88
00:03:47,484 --> 00:03:50,254
That's a very proud
tradition in our family.

89
00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:53,193
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro

90
00:03:53,295 --> 00:03:55,397
was a famous South
American freedom fighter.

91
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,637
You're kidding? My Great Uncle
Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.

92
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,743
We're four sentences away from
realizing they killed each other, right?

93
00:04:01,845 --> 00:04:05,384
Joe, next week, you have to go
to school dressed as a hero.

94
00:04:05,486 --> 00:04:07,522
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?

95
00:04:07,624 --> 00:04:09,091
Or Uncle Erasmus.

96
00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:11,163
Ay, Jay, that's cute,

97
00:04:11,265 --> 00:04:14,134
but Alvaro was not only a war hero.

98
00:04:14,237 --> 00:04:16,606
He was a celebrated matador,

99
00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:19,179
Frida Kahlo's tango instructor,

100
00:04:19,281 --> 00:04:24,556
two-time winner of the Bogota
Herald cartoon caption contest.

101
00:04:24,658 --> 00:04:26,660
No disrespect,
but I don't think he was fit to shine

102
00:04:26,762 --> 00:04:28,697
Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,

103
00:04:28,799 --> 00:04:32,672
which, incidentally,
were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback

104
00:04:32,774 --> 00:04:36,346
he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.

105
00:04:36,448 --> 00:04:38,250
Did he kill all his clothes?

106
00:04:38,352 --> 00:04:40,487
He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.

107
00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:42,658
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it

108
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,462
he punched out of a puma.

109
00:04:45,766 --> 00:04:46,967
Jay does this all the time.

110
00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:49,439
He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.

111
00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:51,943
I mean, I'm not buying this
Uncle Erasmus guy at all.

112
00:04:52,045 --> 00:04:53,347
I say we do a little digging.

113
00:04:53,449 --> 00:04:57,255
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga,

114
00:04:57,357 --> 00:05:01,596
the turtle detective in Uncle
Alvaro's popular children's book.

115
00:05:01,698 --> 00:05:06,273
He was always very
slowly solving crimes.

116
00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:09,812
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,

117
00:05:09,881 --> 00:05:11,081
but not much was written about him.

118
00:05:17,697 --> 00:05:19,265
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.

119
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,467
Again, I'm so sorry abou...

120
00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:22,338
You'll have to return
these within two weeks.

121
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,043
Unlike my phone calls!

122
00:05:25,146 --> 00:05:26,579
Se?or.

123
00:05:26,648 --> 00:05:31,121
We had to dig deeper, and since
history is written by the victors...

124
00:05:33,262 --> 00:05:34,829
Muchas gracias.

125
00:05:34,898 --> 00:05:36,833
I brought my own.

126
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:38,770
Mexican sources had a bit more to say

127
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,429
about his actual involvement
in the Alamo.

128
00:05:45,085 --> 00:05:47,388
- Okay.
- Oh, really?

129
00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:49,659
You want to give away the
very first Gucci hoodie

130
00:05:49,728 --> 00:05:51,963
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"

131
00:05:52,032 --> 00:05:54,402
is why our retirement
planner fired us as clients.

132
00:05:54,471 --> 00:05:56,706
Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?

133
00:05:56,775 --> 00:05:58,042
- They really need this stuff.
- I know.

134
00:05:58,111 --> 00:06:00,447
I-I-I still can't
believe she's pregnant.

135
00:06:00,549 --> 00:06:02,385
- Although...
- I know you're about to say something catty.

136
00:06:02,453 --> 00:06:03,453
You're practically purring.

137
00:06:03,522 --> 00:06:06,259
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s?

138
00:06:06,328 --> 00:06:07,962
You know, we have a saying back home...

139
00:06:08,064 --> 00:06:10,667
"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."

140
00:06:10,736 --> 00:06:12,204
Okay, you're clutching a
Dolce & Gabbana onesie...

141
00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:13,507
decide who you are.

142
00:06:13,575 --> 00:06:15,210
And, by the way,
it's not like your family

143
00:06:15,312 --> 00:06:17,080
doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?

144
00:06:17,183 --> 00:06:19,035
Pam's not exactly responsible.

145
00:06:19,053 --> 00:06:21,222
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman

146
00:06:21,291 --> 00:06:23,260
win her prison's
"Most Improved Wrestler" award?

147
00:06:23,362 --> 00:06:24,462
Okay, let's just admit

148
00:06:24,531 --> 00:06:26,666
we have wild women on
both sides of the family.

149
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:30,507
Oh, God. Maybe it's good
Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.

150
00:06:30,576 --> 00:06:31,876
She sure wasn't. If anything,

151
00:06:31,978 --> 00:06:34,328
I'm worried she acts a
little young for her age.

152
00:06:34,417 --> 00:06:36,853
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old

153
00:06:36,955 --> 00:06:39,258
for these unicorns
and teddy bears and...

154
00:06:39,558 --> 00:06:41,896
My... Playgirl?

155
00:06:41,998 --> 00:06:43,600
Oh! Oh, God.

156
00:06:43,702 --> 00:06:44,902
Where... Where did she get that?

157
00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:47,208
I didn't even know
they still made these.

158
00:06:47,310 --> 00:06:49,645
Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.

159
00:06:49,747 --> 00:06:50,814
Okay, you're getting off track.

160
00:06:50,916 --> 00:06:52,918
Our daughter is looking
at naked men.

161
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:54,689
I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.

162
00:06:54,791 --> 00:06:57,895
You know, my parents never talked to me
about anything sexual.

163
00:06:57,997 --> 00:07:01,469
They just sent me to the stables
when the horses were breeding,

164
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:04,475
and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.

165
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,945
No way! Who told her that?

166
00:07:10,047 --> 00:07:11,882
She... Uh-oh.

167
00:07:11,951 --> 00:07:14,321
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.

168
00:07:14,423 --> 00:07:15,990
Hey!

169
00:07:16,025 --> 00:07:17,827
So, listen, we need
to talk to you about something.

170
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,230
We, uh... We found a...

171
00:07:19,299 --> 00:07:20,700
- a magazine in your room.
- Whoa!

172
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,037
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

173
00:07:23,073 --> 00:07:24,774
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through

174
00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:26,912
a very exciting period of... of change

175
00:07:26,981 --> 00:07:29,584
- and... and hormones. And... And...
- And, um, urges.

176
00:07:29,686 --> 00:07:30,720
Got it. Solid parenting.

177
00:07:30,788 --> 00:07:31,722
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

178
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:32,890
- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart. Come on.

179
00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:34,594
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...

180
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:38,134
You shouldn't be ashamed about
wondering or being curious about sex.

181
00:07:38,204 --> 00:07:40,172
You know, the mingling of bodies

182
00:07:40,241 --> 00:07:42,443
can be a beautiful expression of love.

183
00:07:42,479 --> 00:07:44,914
Stop! They have classes
about this in school,

184
00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:46,585
and if you don't want me
looking at magazines like that,

185
00:07:46,654 --> 00:07:48,789
don't leave them on the sofa!

186
00:07:48,891 --> 00:07:50,459
The sofa? How did...

187
00:07:50,528 --> 00:07:51,762
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.

188
00:07:51,864 --> 00:07:53,632
I don't... Ah, the babysitter.

189
00:07:53,668 --> 00:07:55,936
Or, you know, Haley, or...
or Pam, or Claire.

190
00:07:55,972 --> 00:07:58,107
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.

191
00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:00,680
Wait a minute. This is from 1997.

192
00:08:01,984 --> 00:08:04,421
And David Duchovny's on the cover.

193
00:08:04,489 --> 00:08:07,260
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?

194
00:08:07,328 --> 00:08:09,564
Why... Wha...
I don't even know who that is.

195
00:08:10,384 --> 00:08:12,770
He was on the...
you know, the cheesy sci-fi show,

196
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:15,676
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?

197
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,248
You know,
kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?

198
00:08:18,317 --> 00:08:19,517
They had that saying, you know?

199
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,722
Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?

200
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:23,525
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!

201
00:08:23,594 --> 00:08:25,128
Don't... Don't you crinkle it.

202
00:08:25,198 --> 00:08:27,433
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?

203
00:08:27,502 --> 00:08:28,969
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?

204
00:08:29,071 --> 00:08:30,740
He was brooding and handsome

205
00:08:30,808 --> 00:08:33,345
and obsessed with an
uptight yet sexy redhead.

206
00:08:33,414 --> 00:08:35,081
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance

207
00:08:35,151 --> 00:08:36,551
with David Duchovny because, look.

208
00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:39,390
One of his turn-offs
is "dishonest people."

209
00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:42,163
And why is it just
lying around the house?

210
00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:44,868
I was bringing the trash bins
into the garage the other day,

211
00:08:44,936 --> 00:08:47,038
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.

212
00:08:47,107 --> 00:08:49,577
I got nostalgic,
and I decided to flip through it.

213
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,681
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
- Yeah.

214
00:08:51,784 --> 00:08:53,685
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,

215
00:08:53,788 --> 00:08:56,691
took it back to the bedroom,
and had a rather spectacular... session?

216
00:08:56,794 --> 00:08:58,662
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,

217
00:08:58,731 --> 00:09:00,533
it was the first time in
years I'd seen your eyes

218
00:09:00,601 --> 00:09:02,035
roll back in your head without irony.

219
00:09:02,104 --> 00:09:03,739
Well, excuse me
if I am attracted to you.

220
00:09:03,808 --> 00:09:05,910
Except it wasn't just me, was it?

221
00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:07,346
There were three of us in that bed.

222
00:09:07,415 --> 00:09:09,116
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.

223
00:09:09,152 --> 00:09:11,922
Apparently,
I should've sent six to David Duchovny.

224
00:09:12,024 --> 00:09:13,358
Oh, come on!

225
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:16,698
So what? I got a little extra worked
up after looking at a sexy picture.

226
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:18,100
People do it all the time.

227
00:09:18,136 --> 00:09:20,840
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.

228
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:23,077
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect

229
00:09:23,147 --> 00:09:25,683
with you on an emotional level.

230
00:09:25,751 --> 00:09:27,453
Know what? I'm going to the gym.

231
00:09:27,555 --> 00:09:29,257
And good news, David Duchovny.

232
00:09:29,326 --> 00:09:31,194
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.

233
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:36,938
Can you please hand me my iPod?

234
00:09:37,007 --> 00:09:38,242
You've robbed me of my dignity.

235
00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:40,913
You will not also rob
me of my glorious exit.

236
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:42,283
Thank you!

237
00:09:43,888 --> 00:09:45,054
There you go, buddy.

238
00:09:45,123 --> 00:09:47,025
Now you look like a real hero.

239
00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:49,597
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.

240
00:09:49,666 --> 00:09:50,833
It's not sharp at all.

241
00:09:50,902 --> 00:09:52,904
And neither, apparently, are you.

242
00:09:53,006 --> 00:09:55,609
I told you if we waited a few minutes
he'd give us a delicious segue.

243
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:59,884
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett
was a hero at the Alamo...

244
00:09:59,953 --> 00:10:01,454
but for the other side.

245
00:10:01,523 --> 00:10:03,225
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,

246
00:10:03,327 --> 00:10:06,164
then stole a dress and escaped
by pretending to be a prostitute.

247
00:10:06,233 --> 00:10:07,600
What? I don't believe you.

248
00:10:07,669 --> 00:10:09,837
These are official church documents.

249
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:13,378
In this part,
it says that he traded military secrets

250
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,114
for rum and a new corset.

251
00:10:15,184 --> 00:10:17,653
"To this day,
in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus'

252
00:10:17,722 --> 00:10:19,924
means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"

253
00:10:19,993 --> 00:10:22,430
There's a picture of him cringing.

254
00:10:23,801 --> 00:10:26,838
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.

255
00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:28,408
It was wartime, Joe!

256
00:10:28,477 --> 00:10:31,448
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.

257
00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:34,854
He spent his post-war years spreading
the gospel of vegetarianism.

258
00:10:34,956 --> 00:10:36,524
I have no uncle.

259
00:10:39,366 --> 00:10:41,401
- Oh.
- This homeopathic remedy

260
00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:43,839
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.

261
00:10:43,907 --> 00:10:45,376
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula

262
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,878
I met in an Uber pool.

263
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,047
Well, you were right about one thing.

264
00:10:48,116 --> 00:10:51,654
It does... It does smell like a
buffalo that was struck by lightning.

265
00:10:51,723 --> 00:10:53,425
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?

266
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,396
Oh, I'm done with that place.

267
00:10:55,498 --> 00:10:56,698
Oldest story in the world.

268
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,203
You know, I thought I found a nice guy,
then one morning,

269
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:01,040
he up and tells me he's
found six new women.

270
00:11:01,143 --> 00:11:03,578
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.

271
00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:05,749
Coming back as Dylan's mother?

272
00:11:05,851 --> 00:11:07,586
Not funny, Mom.

273
00:11:07,655 --> 00:11:09,290
Not funny at all!

274
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:11,961
Buddy, are you sure you're okay?

275
00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:13,265
Trust me, I'm a nurse.

276
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:15,669
By now there'd be clear
signs if I had a concursion.

277
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,448
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.

278
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,151
She used to do a little modeling.

279
00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:24,620
Recently, she had her likeness stolen

280
00:11:24,689 --> 00:11:26,858
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.

281
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:35,676
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.

282
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,929
The songwriting isn't perfect,

283
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:49,570
but this video changed everything.

284
00:11:53,614 --> 00:11:56,217
Those bikes don't live there, do they?

285
00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:58,488
'Cause that is an
ideal north-facing spot

286
00:11:58,557 --> 00:12:00,057
for a birthing tub.

287
00:12:00,126 --> 00:12:03,165
I wasn't aware that Haley
was considering a home birth.

288
00:12:03,233 --> 00:12:05,435
Oh, I wasn't,
but then Farrah really opened up my eyes

289
00:12:05,538 --> 00:12:07,640
to the birth-industrial complex.

290
00:12:07,742 --> 00:12:11,046
You know, this room is kind of
vibrating with ancient wounds.

291
00:12:11,115 --> 00:12:13,251
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.

292
00:12:13,353 --> 00:12:15,422
Dylan, honey,
do you think you could grab that fan

293
00:12:15,491 --> 00:12:17,326
and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little?

294
00:12:17,395 --> 00:12:19,397
Oh, my God.

295
00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:22,503
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?

296
00:12:22,572 --> 00:12:25,175
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.

297
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,947
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.

298
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:29,951
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy

299
00:12:30,019 --> 00:12:31,454
since I was a kid.

300
00:12:31,523 --> 00:12:32,856
Do you know how many
nights I went to bed

301
00:12:32,925 --> 00:12:35,162
screaming her name into a pillow?

302
00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:36,231
Go on.

303
00:12:37,468 --> 00:12:40,004
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!

304
00:12:40,073 --> 00:12:42,409
Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you?

305
00:12:42,478 --> 00:12:44,247
Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month

306
00:12:44,282 --> 00:12:46,751
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.

307
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,089
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?

308
00:12:49,158 --> 00:12:50,659
You know he has a nervous bowel.

309
00:12:50,761 --> 00:12:52,930
- Hi, girls!
- Gammy!

310
00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:54,567
Gammy?

311
00:12:54,636 --> 00:12:55,736
The girls call you Gammy?

312
00:12:55,804 --> 00:12:58,808
That's funny, because I was hoping
when Haley's twins came along,

313
00:12:58,877 --> 00:13:00,545
they might call me that.

314
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,349
Oh, well, that might be confusing.

315
00:13:02,418 --> 00:13:04,019
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.

316
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,089
- How about "Gaga"?
- Maybe we don't have to lock

317
00:13:06,192 --> 00:13:07,326
anything down right now.

318
00:13:07,428 --> 00:13:09,563
Oh, my God. I love it!

319
00:13:09,666 --> 00:13:10,866
Hey, Gaga!

320
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:13,738
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!

321
00:13:15,978 --> 00:13:17,179
I'll get him!

322
00:13:21,523 --> 00:13:22,956
- Do you see it, Phil?
- What?

323
00:13:23,059 --> 00:13:24,427
No, I didn't see anything, so...

324
00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:25,796
- Aah!
- Oh!

325
00:13:25,898 --> 00:13:28,100
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!

326
00:13:28,203 --> 00:13:29,303
If you weren't my hero,

327
00:13:29,405 --> 00:13:31,039
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!

328
00:13:31,142 --> 00:13:32,476
Oh, my God, Dad!

329
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,112
What's wrong with him, Mom?

330
00:13:34,215 --> 00:13:36,451
- Mom?
- Claire?

331
00:13:36,553 --> 00:13:38,888
Gaga?

332
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,229
Hey, handsome, this seat taken?

333
00:13:44,331 --> 00:13:45,398
Hey, what are you doing here?

334
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:47,067
Well, I brought you a smoothie,
although,

335
00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:51,477
you don't need it because you're
already 100% fruity deliciousness.

336
00:13:51,545 --> 00:13:52,579
Maybe I just get right to it.

337
00:13:52,647 --> 00:13:54,516
Look, Mitchell,
I appreciate what you're doing...

338
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:55,716
No, no, listen.

339
00:13:55,954 --> 00:13:57,054
Lily's at a sleepover tonight,

340
00:13:57,157 --> 00:14:01,396
so I got us a suite
at Whispers Resort and Spa.

341
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:02,999
Isn't that the place,
uh, Jen Aniston goes to

342
00:14:03,068 --> 00:14:04,469
- after her divorces?
- Yes.

343
00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:07,007
And I'm sorry about the
silly Playgirl thing.

344
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:09,246
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.

345
00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:11,550
That you only have eyes for me.

346
00:14:13,489 --> 00:14:15,958
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.

347
00:14:17,397 --> 00:14:19,299
Sweetie, your...
your heart rate's setting off an alarm.

348
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,434
Why... Why don't you get off that bike?

349
00:14:20,503 --> 00:14:21,870
Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what?

350
00:14:21,939 --> 00:14:23,440
Why don't we go to the spa,
see if we can get an early treatment?

351
00:14:23,543 --> 00:14:24,543
I love that.

352
00:14:24,645 --> 00:14:26,847
Oh, smoothie.

353
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,551
Okay.

354
00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:30,188
Hey, you're... you're really sweating.

355
00:14:30,256 --> 00:14:31,557
You should get a towel.

356
00:14:34,598 --> 00:14:35,832
Okay, you're acting weird.

357
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:38,704
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...

358
00:14:38,806 --> 00:14:41,276
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.

359
00:14:41,378 --> 00:14:43,147
I mean, there's a lot
of Hollywood history there.

360
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,351
You know, they say the Little Rascals

361
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,820
used to have orgies there.

362
00:14:46,922 --> 00:14:47,845
Ah.

363
00:14:48,326 --> 00:14:49,626
Hey, Cam!

364
00:14:49,695 --> 00:14:52,632
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!

365
00:14:52,701 --> 00:14:53,534
Well, I'll see you next time!

366
00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:55,371
Yeah! Who is that?

367
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,410
Wow, that's an interesting view.

368
00:14:58,479 --> 00:14:59,613
What? It's a parking lot.

369
00:14:59,715 --> 00:15:00,982
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.

370
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,652
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat

371
00:15:02,754 --> 00:15:03,721
to this little peep sho...

372
00:15:03,823 --> 00:15:06,125
Oh! Oh, my God.

373
00:15:06,228 --> 00:15:09,299
That night of our "spectacular session,"
you had just come from the gym.

374
00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:12,338
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?

375
00:15:12,407 --> 00:15:14,276
The truth is out there!

376
00:15:14,378 --> 00:15:15,411
Okay, you know what?

377
00:15:15,513 --> 00:15:16,446
I'm weak, okay?

378
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,686
I can't believe you shamed
me for looking at a magazine

379
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:21,556
when you've been baking protein bars

380
00:15:21,625 --> 00:15:23,827
- for Thunder from Down Under!
- Maybe that's why.

381
00:15:23,896 --> 00:15:25,798
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.

382
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,368
Well, don't, okay?

383
00:15:27,470 --> 00:15:31,610
We are allowed to look at other men
without feeling guilty about it.

384
00:15:34,551 --> 00:15:37,054
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,

385
00:15:37,157 --> 00:15:38,557
because at the end of the day,

386
00:15:38,659 --> 00:15:40,628
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.

387
00:15:42,032 --> 00:15:43,834
That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.

388
00:15:43,936 --> 00:15:44,936
Let's just get out of here.

389
00:15:45,038 --> 00:15:47,074
Oh, now? Okay.

390
00:15:47,143 --> 00:15:48,644
Oh.

391
00:15:48,713 --> 00:15:49,612
Maybe I should join this gym.

392
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:50,948
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.

393
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:52,685
This is mine.

394
00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:54,054
- What's his name?
- Chuck.

395
00:15:54,157 --> 00:15:55,123
Oh, Chuck.

396
00:15:56,328 --> 00:15:57,962
Oh, Joe, so adorable,

397
00:15:58,031 --> 00:16:00,334
you look like a little Uncle Alvaro!

398
00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:02,438
One last touch... the pocket watch,

399
00:16:02,507 --> 00:16:03,974
permanently broken at 3:30

400
00:16:04,043 --> 00:16:06,112
after it stopped a bullet
shot by a very drunk

401
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,183
and jealous Florence Nightingale.

402
00:16:08,252 --> 00:16:09,652
Maybe it was sour grapes,

403
00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:12,959
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.

404
00:16:13,028 --> 00:16:15,531
I was sure that if I
left no stone unturned,

405
00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:17,502
eventually, one day,

406
00:16:17,570 --> 00:16:20,708
I'd find some dirt on
Great Uncle Alvaro.

407
00:16:20,777 --> 00:16:22,044
I knew it!

408
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:26,520
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,

409
00:16:26,622 --> 00:16:28,424
seducing wealthy widows

410
00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:31,763
with made-up stories of
his bravery in battle.

411
00:16:31,832 --> 00:16:35,103
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,

412
00:16:35,173 --> 00:16:38,677
he would move on,
leaving his victims with nothing

413
00:16:38,746 --> 00:16:41,015
but a single red rose...

414
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,285
and syphilis.

415
00:16:42,353 --> 00:16:44,622
Who's up for a little history lesson?

416
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:46,493
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

417
00:16:46,595 --> 00:16:48,230
Do it again.

418
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,801
The yoke of Spanish oppression

419
00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:54,242
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!

420
00:16:54,344 --> 00:16:57,281
My saber thirsts for European blood!

421
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:59,552
- So cute!
- Bravo!

422
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:02,925
He looked it up and
memorized it himself.

423
00:17:02,994 --> 00:17:04,796
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me

424
00:17:04,865 --> 00:17:06,733
'cause I'm the shortest
kid in the class?

425
00:17:06,835 --> 00:17:08,337
Oh, don't listen to what they say!

426
00:17:08,405 --> 00:17:11,910
Right! Uncle Alvaro
was only five feet tall

427
00:17:11,979 --> 00:17:13,914
and he led a whole army!

428
00:17:14,016 --> 00:17:16,286
I'm gonna be brave like him.

429
00:17:17,557 --> 00:17:20,694
Viva Uncle Alvaro.

430
00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:23,867
I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.

431
00:17:23,969 --> 00:17:26,105
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.

432
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:27,975
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,

433
00:17:28,077 --> 00:17:30,848
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...

434
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,985
Lulach McPritchett...

435
00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:36,259
proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,

436
00:17:36,328 --> 00:17:39,766
tortured for months using
every method imaginable,

437
00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:43,373
and never once giving
up a single secret.

438
00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:44,909
Don't look him up.

439
00:17:51,658 --> 00:17:54,996
Signora, why so sad?

440
00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:58,002
Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?

441
00:17:58,104 --> 00:17:59,505
How did you find me?

442
00:17:59,608 --> 00:18:01,543
Antonio called and said

443
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,380
you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...

444
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:04,916
and just watched it burn.

445
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:07,355
Mm-hmm.

446
00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:08,924
It's all just going too fast.

447
00:18:09,665 --> 00:18:10,494
Five months ago,

448
00:18:10,596 --> 00:18:11,930
Haley got back together with Dylan.

449
00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:14,736
Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant.

450
00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:16,071
Then it's twins.

451
00:18:16,174 --> 00:18:18,677
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into

452
00:18:18,746 --> 00:18:21,383
"Ding-dong, we're here
with an early preview of twins

453
00:18:21,485 --> 00:18:22,985
and an incontinent chinchilla,

454
00:18:23,054 --> 00:18:25,557
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger

455
00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:27,595
sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,

456
00:18:27,697 --> 00:18:31,936
my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."

457
00:18:32,692 --> 00:18:34,041
Oh...

458
00:18:34,109 --> 00:18:36,513
How...
How are you handling this all so well?

459
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:37,882
Who says I am?

460
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,723
I had to get out of there,
or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.

461
00:18:41,825 --> 00:18:43,427
I hit Dylan again, Claire.

462
00:18:43,495 --> 00:18:45,964
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?

463
00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:48,570
You mean, like,
you might have some buried anger

464
00:18:48,672 --> 00:18:51,409
towards him stealing
away your baby girl?

465
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:53,880
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.

466
00:18:53,982 --> 00:18:55,818
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.

467
00:18:57,557 --> 00:18:59,892
Oh, well,

468
00:18:59,961 --> 00:19:02,331
we still have Italy.

469
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,700
Do we?

470
00:19:03,769 --> 00:19:06,071
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,

471
00:19:06,174 --> 00:19:08,744
and it seems that,
like our daughter, they...

472
00:19:08,812 --> 00:19:09,779
they tend to come early.

473
00:19:10,330 --> 00:19:12,184
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance,

474
00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:15,924
I can't risk having the
only maternal figure present

475
00:19:15,993 --> 00:19:18,697
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.

476
00:19:18,799 --> 00:19:20,868
I got to be there for Haley.

477
00:19:20,970 --> 00:19:22,405
It's overwhelming for sure,

478
00:19:22,507 --> 00:19:25,911
but haven't a ton of our best memories

479
00:19:26,013 --> 00:19:28,784
come from the anarchy of our house?

480
00:19:28,852 --> 00:19:31,856
Like when Luke got his
head stuck in the banister?

481
00:19:31,958 --> 00:19:33,186
Which time?

482
00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:36,031
Or when...
when Alex's science fair project

483
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:39,556
blacked out the whole neighborhood
during the Super Bowl?

484
00:19:39,974 --> 00:19:40,974
Or when, uh,

485
00:19:41,076 --> 00:19:42,411
Haley snuck in Luke's window

486
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,449
- the same week we bought him a slingshot?
- Oh, God.

487
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,219
That was... Mm.

488
00:19:46,321 --> 00:19:48,390
So, it's a-a madhouse,

489
00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:50,861
but on the other hand,

490
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:52,798
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,

491
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,036
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.

492
00:19:55,138 --> 00:19:57,775
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.

493
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,818
So...

494
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,290
looks like we are going on a trip?

495
00:20:23,636 --> 00:20:25,437
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.

496
00:20:25,539 --> 00:20:28,108
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...

497
00:20:28,211 --> 00:20:29,278
That chapter is closed.

498
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:31,182
We have a strictly
business relationship now.

499
00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:34,922
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes

500
00:20:35,024 --> 00:20:37,361
drifting toward a shorter Jewish one?

501
00:20:37,463 --> 00:20:39,732
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.

502
00:20:39,834 --> 00:20:41,335
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman

503
00:20:41,437 --> 00:20:43,773
whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.

504
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,242
Clearly, you're still upset

505
00:20:45,304 --> 00:20:48,175
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...

506
00:20:48,277 --> 00:20:49,744
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me

507
00:20:49,846 --> 00:20:52,349
to play myself off with our song.

508
00:21:06,605 --> 00:21:08,655
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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