1 00:00:04,076 --> 00:00:05,703 I'm beat. Can you turn off the light? 2 00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:07,807 Yeah, just give me a second. 3 00:00:07,909 --> 00:00:11,181 5... 4... 3... 4 00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:13,085 2... 1. 5 00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:14,888 You missed our anniversary. 6 00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,135 Wow, that's pretty good. 7 00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:40,706 Uh-oh. 8 00:00:40,727 --> 00:00:42,001 Oh, no. 9 00:00:42,879 --> 00:00:44,681 Ohh. 10 00:00:47,689 --> 00:00:48,789 Ohh! 11 00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:53,331 Oh. 12 00:01:01,817 --> 00:01:04,220 Honey, the deli warned you about those peppers. 13 00:01:04,322 --> 00:01:05,823 I thought they were exaggerating. 14 00:01:06,637 --> 00:01:07,393 Wow. 15 00:01:07,495 --> 00:01:09,029 Maybe they do have the world's best pastrami. 16 00:01:09,132 --> 00:01:11,168 That's a lot of food. Who's coming? 17 00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:12,770 Luke, Dylan, and Bill. 18 00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:15,142 Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters 19 00:01:15,244 --> 00:01:17,180 battling in the pay-per-view event of the century. 20 00:01:17,282 --> 00:01:19,984 That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting. 21 00:01:20,087 --> 00:01:21,655 That's insane. I love a good battle. 22 00:01:21,723 --> 00:01:22,657 Boxing, MMA... 23 00:01:22,759 --> 00:01:24,661 - Lip Sync. - Which get brutal. 24 00:01:24,763 --> 00:01:28,235 I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men. 25 00:01:28,337 --> 00:01:30,906 So, I'm hosting a fight night 26 00:01:30,975 --> 00:01:33,579 with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, 27 00:01:33,647 --> 00:01:37,553 where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. 28 00:01:37,655 --> 00:01:39,290 I figure they have to listen to me. 29 00:01:39,392 --> 00:01:41,026 I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two 30 00:01:41,129 --> 00:01:43,232 do unspeakable things to my daughters. 31 00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:45,669 So, who's the top card on the fight tonight? 32 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:47,607 - I'm gonna say a Latin guy... - Mm-hmm. 33 00:01:47,709 --> 00:01:48,909 and a Russian. 34 00:01:50,081 --> 00:01:51,181 The fight just gets my boys in the door. 35 00:01:51,283 --> 00:01:52,583 What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them 36 00:01:52,685 --> 00:01:54,287 with all the amazing things I've lived through. 37 00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:56,157 - Snooze. - Not the way I do it. 38 00:01:56,260 --> 00:01:58,695 I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire." 39 00:01:58,764 --> 00:02:00,366 - Huh. - It's not everyone who can rhyme 40 00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:02,470 "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." 41 00:02:02,572 --> 00:02:05,442 I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay." 42 00:02:05,544 --> 00:02:07,914 Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K... 43 00:02:08,016 --> 00:02:09,083 Don't you have someplace to be? 44 00:02:09,185 --> 00:02:10,586 It's boys' night, no chicks allowed. 45 00:02:10,688 --> 00:02:13,525 Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye... 46 00:02:15,498 --> 00:02:16,464 Hello. 47 00:02:16,566 --> 00:02:18,235 Speaking. 48 00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:19,617 Yes, of course I'll hold. 49 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,143 Gloria, it's CalShopTV. 50 00:02:22,245 --> 00:02:24,714 I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds. 51 00:02:24,816 --> 00:02:25,983 CalShopTV? 52 00:02:26,086 --> 00:02:28,355 The Southland's premier shopping network? 53 00:02:28,457 --> 00:02:30,559 I watch it all the time. 54 00:02:30,661 --> 00:02:32,062 And so do all my friends. 55 00:02:32,165 --> 00:02:33,532 This is big time, Gloria. 56 00:02:33,634 --> 00:02:35,703 People buy all sorts of crap on there. 57 00:02:35,805 --> 00:02:38,508 Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair! 58 00:02:38,610 --> 00:02:39,711 Great, 59 00:02:39,813 --> 00:02:42,216 it's all coming together for you. 60 00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:44,854 This is a long time to be on hold. 61 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,426 I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor. 62 00:02:47,528 --> 00:02:49,330 Hang up. If it's good news, 63 00:02:49,432 --> 00:02:51,000 - they're gonna call you back. - What do you mean "if"? 64 00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:52,603 It's gotta be good news, right? I mean... 65 00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:54,774 I mean, it shouldn't take this long for a "yes"... 66 00:02:54,876 --> 00:02:56,378 Are they calling to say "no"? 67 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,215 Are these sons of bitches rejecting me? 68 00:02:58,317 --> 00:02:59,917 Like I need this cheesy, third-rate... 69 00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:01,554 Yes, I'm still here. 70 00:03:01,656 --> 00:03:03,458 Tonight? Of course! I'll see you then! 71 00:03:04,198 --> 00:03:05,329 Gloria, they want me! 72 00:03:05,398 --> 00:03:07,433 It's the primo 10:00 p.m. Slot... 73 00:03:07,535 --> 00:03:10,372 Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, 74 00:03:10,474 --> 00:03:13,145 but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards. 75 00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:16,251 You know what would be the coolest move ever? 76 00:03:16,353 --> 00:03:18,755 If you don't tell anyone that you're doing it. 77 00:03:18,857 --> 00:03:20,159 Tell them after. 78 00:03:20,261 --> 00:03:23,131 Be like, "Yeah, I was on TV, whatever." 79 00:03:28,744 --> 00:03:30,846 - Happy anniversary! - Oh, my gosh. 80 00:03:30,948 --> 00:03:33,418 I'm... I'm so sorry I forgot yesterday, um, 81 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,658 but I love you, and I hope that this makes up for it. 82 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,962 Oh, thank you, you did... Mitchell... 83 00:03:39,957 --> 00:03:42,503 A belt buckle, I love it! 84 00:03:42,605 --> 00:03:44,240 Yeah, see, I thought this was a uterus, 85 00:03:44,342 --> 00:03:45,976 but they told me it's a longhorn. 86 00:03:46,078 --> 00:03:48,215 - Yeah, a Texas longhorn. - No, just a longhorn. 87 00:03:48,317 --> 00:03:49,984 I thought you could wear it line dancing tonight. 88 00:03:50,053 --> 00:03:51,788 Are you sure I can't convince you to come? 89 00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:53,492 You know, it's two-for-one Alabama Slammers 90 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,029 - and Oklahoma Comas. - You know, I'd rather stay here 91 00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:58,067 and have a free drink without a sad ending. 92 00:03:58,671 --> 00:03:59,704 Boys' night! 93 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,908 Unlike in high school and most of college, 94 00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:04,147 - by choice. - Where's the opener? 95 00:04:04,249 --> 00:04:06,484 You don't need an opener. Hand it over. 96 00:04:06,586 --> 00:04:09,423 Let me show you how it used to be done. 97 00:04:10,561 --> 00:04:11,895 - Oh, dear God. - Oh. 98 00:04:11,997 --> 00:04:13,632 No one tell Claire I did that. 99 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:16,938 You know my friend Corey who comes over here and broke that lamp? 100 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,110 There is no Corey. We'll blame it on him. 101 00:04:19,212 --> 00:04:20,746 Okay. 102 00:04:20,848 --> 00:04:22,983 I learned that trick on a log in the woods. 103 00:04:23,086 --> 00:04:25,689 I was, uh, hanging out with my biker buddies. 104 00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:26,958 We'd just pedaled out... 105 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,295 You know what happened to me in the woods once? 106 00:04:28,397 --> 00:04:31,033 I was bow hunting, this freak blizzard hits. 107 00:04:31,136 --> 00:04:33,037 I had to literally cut open an elk, 108 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,709 clean his guts out, climb inside for the whole night 109 00:04:35,811 --> 00:04:37,146 just to keep from freezing. 110 00:04:37,248 --> 00:04:38,013 - Wow. - No way. 111 00:04:38,116 --> 00:04:40,285 I once found a bird's nest 112 00:04:40,354 --> 00:04:41,921 on the ground. True story. 113 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,291 So, then what happened, Bill? 114 00:04:43,393 --> 00:04:45,562 Oh, be careful. My dad tried one of those earlier 115 00:04:45,631 --> 00:04:46,564 and my mom said he cried. 116 00:04:46,633 --> 00:04:48,134 I didn't cry. That was sweat from my eyes. 117 00:04:48,203 --> 00:04:49,704 - I mean, I'll try one. - No, don't, Bill. 118 00:04:49,806 --> 00:04:50,939 I drank all the milk! 119 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,578 Mmm. 120 00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:55,249 Missing something. I think it needs some Tabasco. 121 00:04:55,351 --> 00:04:56,718 Bill, you're the man. 122 00:04:56,786 --> 00:04:58,755 Come on, hardly. I'm not even the man here. 123 00:04:58,857 --> 00:05:00,092 Oh, well, thank you, Bill. 124 00:05:00,194 --> 00:05:01,127 Dylan, tell them about that life you saved 125 00:05:01,162 --> 00:05:02,429 at the hospital the other night. 126 00:05:02,531 --> 00:05:03,999 Oh, I never thought I'd see 127 00:05:04,102 --> 00:05:05,869 someone with a golf club through his neck... 128 00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:07,873 Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest. 129 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,577 It's fight time, gents, 130 00:05:09,679 --> 00:05:12,048 courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy! 131 00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:13,451 No need for each of you 132 00:05:13,487 --> 00:05:15,021 to Venmo me $19. I got this. 133 00:05:15,090 --> 00:05:17,058 Things are, uh... Things are going well. 134 00:05:18,997 --> 00:05:20,165 Wait, what's... what's going on? 135 00:05:20,234 --> 00:05:22,169 - I bought the fight. - Go to "Purchases." 136 00:05:23,507 --> 00:05:24,874 Dad, you didn't buy MMA. 137 00:05:24,909 --> 00:05:27,212 - You bought "Mamma Mia." - Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"? 138 00:05:27,315 --> 00:05:29,083 I've seen it, like, three ti... I mean... 139 00:05:29,752 --> 00:05:31,287 Well, you guys want to see a video I took on my phone 140 00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:32,890 of a guy's car exploding? 141 00:05:32,992 --> 00:05:34,360 - Yeah. - Yeah. 142 00:05:34,462 --> 00:05:35,362 Check this out. 143 00:05:35,464 --> 00:05:36,497 I'm just saying, 144 00:05:36,566 --> 00:05:38,968 as someone who was actually born in a barn, 145 00:05:39,071 --> 00:05:41,174 - that's an unfair stereotype. - Okay, yes. 146 00:05:41,276 --> 00:05:42,643 - I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, hey. 147 00:05:42,745 --> 00:05:44,113 Don't all turn at once. 148 00:05:44,182 --> 00:05:46,250 Comin' in the front door, poser alert. 149 00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:49,055 - Where? - Oh, that is a bad look. 150 00:05:49,125 --> 00:05:50,726 Oh, is that a price tag still on his hat? 151 00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:53,431 Oh, Lord. I think he bought it today. 152 00:05:53,533 --> 00:05:55,102 Here he comes. Here he comes. 2:00. 153 00:05:55,204 --> 00:05:57,038 Your 2:00 or mine? 154 00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,714 - Oh, God, it's mine. - Cam! 155 00:06:01,816 --> 00:06:03,522 Surprise! 156 00:06:04,054 --> 00:06:06,657 - Do you know him? - A little. 157 00:06:08,812 --> 00:06:10,461 Representative. 158 00:06:10,629 --> 00:06:13,934 Representative. 159 00:06:14,036 --> 00:06:15,571 Dunphy. 160 00:06:15,673 --> 00:06:18,008 Dun-phy. 161 00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,412 Dun... No. 162 00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:21,316 No, no, no. I'm not done. 163 00:06:21,384 --> 00:06:23,186 I'm not done! Come on! 164 00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:27,528 Somewhat satisfied. 165 00:06:27,597 --> 00:06:29,232 I couldn't get through to the cable company. 166 00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,267 I had to think fast... 167 00:06:30,336 --> 00:06:32,204 These guys were here to watch a fight, 168 00:06:32,273 --> 00:06:34,575 so I decided to show them 169 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,581 the most epic battle of all time. 170 00:06:37,617 --> 00:06:39,852 - Wax on... - This Daniel dude 171 00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:41,523 is about to get his ass kicked. 172 00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,093 He's had no real training. 173 00:06:43,162 --> 00:06:45,864 You gotta do push-ups, cardio... 174 00:06:45,966 --> 00:06:47,234 Waxing a car? 175 00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:48,870 That's how we haze the probies at the firehouse. 176 00:06:48,939 --> 00:06:51,576 Yeah, why's the kid still listening to that crazy old man? 177 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,513 He's not crazy, he's wise. 178 00:06:53,582 --> 00:06:56,152 There was a time when young people respected mentorship. 179 00:06:56,221 --> 00:06:58,356 Seems like he's just using him to do chores. 180 00:06:58,425 --> 00:07:00,694 Oh, God, he's doing that scarecrow move again. 181 00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:03,700 Why? It's completely wobbly and you can't get any leverage. 182 00:07:03,769 --> 00:07:06,206 It's called the crane and it's unstoppable. 183 00:07:06,274 --> 00:07:07,808 I don't know about unstoppable. 184 00:07:07,843 --> 00:07:10,347 It's a sophisticated move that uses the grace of the human... 185 00:07:10,416 --> 00:07:11,382 Well, don't do that. 186 00:07:13,088 --> 00:07:14,555 See? The old dude has no idea what he's talking about. 187 00:07:14,591 --> 00:07:16,759 Stop calling him the old dude. He's my age! 188 00:07:16,828 --> 00:07:19,332 And he's just trying to shape a young mind! 189 00:07:22,540 --> 00:07:25,410 - Hey. Oh, wow, there we go. - Hi. Oh. 190 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,516 I'm so happy you're here. Such a sweet gesture. 191 00:07:28,585 --> 00:07:29,952 My gosh, and look at your new boots. 192 00:07:30,054 --> 00:07:31,222 - Look at those boots. - Yeah. 193 00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:33,025 So shiny and blue. 194 00:07:33,095 --> 00:07:34,962 Anyway, honey, you know, you're looking 195 00:07:35,031 --> 00:07:37,635 - just a little bit store-bought cowboy... - Oh. 196 00:07:37,703 --> 00:07:38,970 so maybe lose something... 197 00:07:39,072 --> 00:07:40,774 That's embarrassing. There we go. 198 00:07:40,843 --> 00:07:43,480 Oh, more fringe. Wow. Oh, my gosh. 199 00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:45,183 I feel like Tina Turner with all this, you know? 200 00:07:45,252 --> 00:07:46,486 Country folk don't shimmy. 201 00:07:46,554 --> 00:07:48,523 - They don't? Are you sure? - Stop shimmying. Stop. 202 00:07:48,592 --> 00:07:49,558 Okay, okay. Still learning. 203 00:07:49,627 --> 00:07:51,162 Uh, but look. I, uh... 204 00:07:51,264 --> 00:07:53,400 I bought a buckle, huh? Just like yours? 205 00:07:53,468 --> 00:07:55,203 - Oh, I... - Where is it? 206 00:07:55,272 --> 00:07:56,773 W-Well, you know what? It's so fancy, 207 00:07:56,841 --> 00:07:58,276 and I didn't want to show off in front of my friends. 208 00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,180 They're not as well off as we are, so... 209 00:08:00,249 --> 00:08:02,050 - Line 'em up, little doggies! - Oh! 210 00:08:02,119 --> 00:08:03,520 Reckon I can have this dance? 211 00:08:03,588 --> 00:08:05,691 Well, it's a line dance. It's very complicated. 212 00:08:05,759 --> 00:08:07,361 Well, I'll pick it up. Remember how fast I learned 213 00:08:07,430 --> 00:08:09,165 the hora at Pepper's adult bar-mitzvah? 214 00:08:09,233 --> 00:08:10,867 Cam! Over here! 215 00:08:10,936 --> 00:08:11,969 All right. Yeah, here we go. 216 00:08:12,072 --> 00:08:14,508 Do it. Okay. 217 00:08:16,815 --> 00:08:18,350 Oh, it just starts. 218 00:08:18,452 --> 00:08:20,387 There it is. 219 00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,923 - Sorry, sorry. - It's okay. 220 00:08:21,991 --> 00:08:23,159 Okay. 221 00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:24,228 Mitchell, scoot your boot. 222 00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:30,107 - Sorry. - Mitchell, it's that way. 223 00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:32,411 - Okay, sorry. Okay, sorry. - Oh, my gosh! 224 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,348 - I'm sorry, was that me? Was that me? - Oh, my gosh! Mitchell! 225 00:08:34,450 --> 00:08:35,951 Mitchell! Come on. 226 00:08:36,019 --> 00:08:37,821 - Help me up, help me up, help me up. - Get some traction. 227 00:08:37,890 --> 00:08:39,692 Use your spurs! Dig 'em into the floor. 228 00:08:39,761 --> 00:08:40,994 Get your feet under you, cowboy. 229 00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:42,731 Okay, I got it. That's what the spurs are for. 230 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,335 - All right. - All right. 231 00:08:44,404 --> 00:08:46,506 - Excuse us. Promenade. - Sorry. 232 00:08:46,608 --> 00:08:48,710 Do you think they'll be doing the hora next? 233 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,213 Y-You know what? I'm... I'm... I'm not really comfortable 234 00:08:50,315 --> 00:08:51,749 with you leaving Lily home alone. 235 00:08:51,818 --> 00:08:53,820 Oh, she's not home alone. I have Claire watching her. 236 00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:55,991 Really? I-I've never seen those two talk. 237 00:09:01,538 --> 00:09:04,675 I'm afraid of Lily. W... I know that sounds horrible. 238 00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:08,550 What I mean to say is that lately I am unnerved 239 00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:10,086 by the way she'll just sit there, 240 00:09:10,155 --> 00:09:12,724 quietly staring, judging me. 241 00:09:12,793 --> 00:09:15,630 So, to put it in kinder terms, 242 00:09:15,699 --> 00:09:17,701 I'm afraid of Lily. 243 00:09:18,772 --> 00:09:20,005 - Aunt Claire? - Yes? 244 00:09:20,074 --> 00:09:20,941 What, honey? 245 00:09:21,009 --> 00:09:22,043 Why don't you like me? 246 00:09:22,112 --> 00:09:24,181 What? I like you. 247 00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:26,385 I-I love you. 248 00:09:26,488 --> 00:09:28,790 In fact, I told everyone 249 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,961 I was watching you tonight so they... 250 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,764 they all know where I am. 251 00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,401 Oh. 252 00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:35,837 I kind of thought you didn't like me. 253 00:09:35,939 --> 00:09:37,107 What gave you that idea? 254 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:39,345 Because you don't really talk to me, 255 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,814 and you shoot me these looks, 256 00:09:40,883 --> 00:09:42,084 and I feel like you're judging. 257 00:09:42,152 --> 00:09:44,121 I get nervous around you 'cause you're so cool. 258 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,626 That's really sweet. 259 00:09:46,694 --> 00:09:47,694 Wait, are you being mean? 260 00:09:47,763 --> 00:09:49,798 No. Why does everyone always ask me that? 261 00:09:49,867 --> 00:09:52,571 No one has called me cool in years. 262 00:09:52,673 --> 00:09:53,573 Ever... 263 00:09:53,642 --> 00:09:55,243 I love the way you don't give a damn. 264 00:09:55,312 --> 00:09:57,981 Well, I do play by my own rules. 265 00:09:58,084 --> 00:09:59,351 You do what you want. 266 00:09:59,387 --> 00:10:01,656 You don't care who you piss off or what anyone thinks of you. 267 00:10:01,724 --> 00:10:04,295 This compliment is starting to sound a little bit like an insult. 268 00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:06,064 Well, look who I live with. 269 00:10:06,134 --> 00:10:07,701 Honey. 270 00:10:07,770 --> 00:10:09,171 Tell you what. Let's hang out, 271 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,807 get to know each other, do something fun. 272 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:13,279 Ooh, let's create a Tinder profile of a really hot girl 273 00:10:13,348 --> 00:10:15,049 and see what pictures guys send us. 274 00:10:15,118 --> 00:10:16,552 Hm... 275 00:10:16,621 --> 00:10:18,055 I need to be the grown-up here, 276 00:10:18,158 --> 00:10:19,925 but I really do want to do that. 277 00:10:21,230 --> 00:10:22,331 What's this? 278 00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:24,501 Manny and I were thinking that you should 279 00:10:24,570 --> 00:10:26,739 rehearse a little bit before going on TV 280 00:10:26,841 --> 00:10:28,843 where people we know are gonna see you. 281 00:10:28,912 --> 00:10:30,947 I don't need to rehearse. Do you know how many commercials 282 00:10:31,016 --> 00:10:32,417 I did for Pritchett's Closets? 283 00:10:32,486 --> 00:10:34,755 This is live TV. It's a whole different beast. 284 00:10:34,857 --> 00:10:36,192 Okay, but don't overdo it, all right? 285 00:10:36,294 --> 00:10:37,427 I want to keep it fresh. 286 00:10:37,529 --> 00:10:40,700 Mom, you're the host in 3... 2... 287 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:45,075 Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. 288 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,981 I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed. 289 00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,320 I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting 290 00:10:50,422 --> 00:10:52,257 - to hear about closets... - O-Okay, stop. 291 00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:53,626 Why are you mentioning closets? 292 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,632 Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. 293 00:10:56,668 --> 00:10:58,603 If there was a closet hall of fame, 294 00:10:58,705 --> 00:10:59,738 you would be in it. 295 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,475 If? What do you think we were doing 296 00:11:01,544 --> 00:11:03,179 that weekend in Corning, New York? 297 00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:04,548 Let's just stay on topic. 298 00:11:04,650 --> 00:11:07,154 And try using colorful language to describe your product 299 00:11:07,256 --> 00:11:08,923 like "stunning" or "delicious." 300 00:11:08,992 --> 00:11:11,328 "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, 301 00:11:11,431 --> 00:11:13,031 he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful. 302 00:11:13,134 --> 00:11:14,380 Just cue me. 303 00:11:15,238 --> 00:11:18,876 Hello. Welcome. This is CalShopTV. 304 00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,215 How you doin', folks? If you have a dog... 305 00:11:21,317 --> 00:11:22,451 No, no, that's too big. 306 00:11:22,553 --> 00:11:24,922 Why don't you do it like you're goofing on it? 307 00:11:25,024 --> 00:11:26,192 Like, uh, 308 00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:29,198 "I don't really care about dog beds. I am a man!" 309 00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,268 Why don't you start off with something funny? 310 00:11:31,370 --> 00:11:33,740 A kid in my class does arm farts. 311 00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:36,312 It's hilarious. 312 00:11:36,414 --> 00:11:37,914 Our bodies, huh? 313 00:11:38,016 --> 00:11:39,818 Come on, guys. You're starting to get in my head. 314 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,922 Well, listen, if you don't feel like you're ready for it, 315 00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:43,126 why don't you just cancel? 316 00:11:43,228 --> 00:11:44,895 It's better than embarrassing yourself. 317 00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:46,064 You mean embarrass you. 318 00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,236 You don't think I hear your snarky comments? 319 00:11:48,338 --> 00:11:50,440 You think dog beds are silly. I get it. 320 00:11:50,542 --> 00:11:52,444 Right now, I need people who believe in me, 321 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,181 so why don't you just stay home. 322 00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:58,289 Did he really think I was going with him? 323 00:11:59,962 --> 00:12:02,072 I'm so sorry, Donna. H-How is your knee feeling? 324 00:12:02,141 --> 00:12:03,308 Oh, my knee's fine. 325 00:12:03,377 --> 00:12:05,846 It's my shin where your little buddy's spurs got me. 326 00:12:05,915 --> 00:12:07,850 Yeah, Mitchell, why did you get spurs? 327 00:12:07,919 --> 00:12:09,454 It was an impulse buy. They were at the register. 328 00:12:10,183 --> 00:12:12,666 All right, folks, we're about to kick off the beer relay! 329 00:12:12,829 --> 00:12:15,132 - Beer relay! Come on, team! - I'm sorry, guys. 330 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,536 I just took a painkiller. I am out for the night. 331 00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:19,807 Damn it. I've been practicing for this all week. 332 00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:21,978 Yeah, we know, Nate. You might have a problem. 333 00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:23,582 Um, I-I could sit in for her. 334 00:12:23,650 --> 00:12:26,154 - Oh, seriously? I don't think... - I can chug. 335 00:12:26,189 --> 00:12:27,723 Remember that time we went through security 336 00:12:27,792 --> 00:12:29,861 and I forgot I had a bottle of water in my bag? 337 00:12:29,929 --> 00:12:32,533 Come on! Come on, cowboys. Saddle up! 338 00:12:32,602 --> 00:12:34,637 All right, Mitch. Donna always goes first, 339 00:12:34,706 --> 00:12:35,706 so you take her spot. 340 00:12:35,775 --> 00:12:38,345 All right, set the pace. I love it. 341 00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:41,651 Okay, you dirtbags, let's do this. 342 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,388 Ready... set... 343 00:12:43,490 --> 00:12:44,657 - chug! - All right, let's go! 344 00:12:44,759 --> 00:12:46,059 Chug, Mitchell, chug! 345 00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:49,534 - You gotta chug. - Is it possible there's more bubbles in mine? 346 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,036 - No. It's the same, yeah. - No? 347 00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:52,071 Come on, Mitch! 348 00:12:52,141 --> 00:12:53,575 Stop nursing it like a little baby! 349 00:12:53,677 --> 00:12:54,577 You know what, Nate? 350 00:12:54,646 --> 00:12:56,013 I don't respond well to negativity, 351 00:12:56,082 --> 00:12:58,852 so you can all just take that down a-a notch. 352 00:12:58,887 --> 00:13:01,023 Here we go. Drink, drink, drink! 353 00:13:01,092 --> 00:13:02,726 Mitchell, you have to drink! 354 00:13:04,399 --> 00:13:06,568 It's like he's waterboarding himself. 355 00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:08,805 We balance this bucket 356 00:13:08,907 --> 00:13:12,546 on the top of the door, just so, 357 00:13:12,615 --> 00:13:14,350 and when your dads come home, 358 00:13:14,452 --> 00:13:15,486 spills water on them. 359 00:13:15,554 --> 00:13:16,588 Hot boiling water? 360 00:13:16,656 --> 00:13:18,758 - What? No. - Okay. 361 00:13:18,861 --> 00:13:19,994 I guess it's still funny. 362 00:13:20,063 --> 00:13:22,600 And you're saying this is a cool thing that cool people would do? 363 00:13:23,371 --> 00:13:25,339 Lily, I can't lie to you. 364 00:13:25,441 --> 00:13:28,077 It's not cool, and neither am I. 365 00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:29,514 Food trucks make me nervous. 366 00:13:29,616 --> 00:13:30,816 I leave voicemails. 367 00:13:30,918 --> 00:13:32,920 I prefer The Weather Channel to MTV. 368 00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:34,557 Is MTV still cool? 369 00:13:34,626 --> 00:13:35,659 I've never heard of it. 370 00:13:35,761 --> 00:13:37,129 I am not cool. 371 00:13:39,602 --> 00:13:41,237 I don't think I'm cool, either. 372 00:13:41,306 --> 00:13:43,308 Maybe that's our thing. 373 00:13:43,377 --> 00:13:46,347 Maybe we can be uncool together. 374 00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,618 - That sounds nice. - Hm. 375 00:13:48,687 --> 00:13:50,422 Except when I'm with my friends, then I don't know you. 376 00:13:50,491 --> 00:13:51,958 I respect that. 377 00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:53,161 You know what would be fun? 378 00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:54,964 Filling the bucket with spiders. 379 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:57,703 You might need help. 380 00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:02,846 Dad? Did you eat another pepper? 381 00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:05,085 - No. - It's not about the pepper. 382 00:14:05,154 --> 00:14:07,556 You're upset we made fun of the movie, aren't you? 383 00:14:07,658 --> 00:14:09,927 Hey, that's just what our generation does. 384 00:14:09,963 --> 00:14:11,698 We goof on things that scare us 385 00:14:11,766 --> 00:14:13,234 because of how much we love them. 386 00:14:13,303 --> 00:14:15,405 Yeah. We wish there was a sequel. 387 00:14:15,507 --> 00:14:16,941 There's actually two. 388 00:14:16,977 --> 00:14:19,180 Idiot. I'm not watching another one. 389 00:14:19,282 --> 00:14:22,653 Mr. D, I know that this might sound like the craziest thing ever, 390 00:14:22,688 --> 00:14:24,790 but are you upset because you want to see yourself 391 00:14:24,859 --> 00:14:27,028 - as our Mr. Miata? - That's just dumb. 392 00:14:27,098 --> 00:14:28,732 Yeah, don't waste one of our guesses on that. 393 00:14:31,406 --> 00:14:33,508 - It's Miyagi. - Told you. 394 00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:36,681 It's ridiculous to say this out loud, 395 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,850 but I guess I just wanted to feel 396 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,587 like someone you guys could look up to. 397 00:14:41,493 --> 00:14:44,530 What are you talking about? Everybody looks up to you. 398 00:14:44,599 --> 00:14:45,932 Yeah. 399 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,603 The hardest thing about dating Alex... 400 00:14:47,672 --> 00:14:49,173 well, besides all the big words... 401 00:14:49,275 --> 00:14:53,181 is just knowing she grew up with a perfect guy in her life. 402 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,984 It's pretty hard to compete with. 403 00:14:55,053 --> 00:14:57,189 That's what scares me about having kids with Haley. 404 00:14:57,258 --> 00:14:59,193 Even if I'm an awesome dad, 405 00:14:59,262 --> 00:15:00,762 I'll still fall short of you. 406 00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:03,735 Try being his son, knowing you'll never measure up. 407 00:15:03,804 --> 00:15:05,472 It's no picnic. 408 00:15:05,541 --> 00:15:07,810 Which is ironic, because we go on a lot of picnics. 409 00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:09,747 You're also the best magician I've ever seen. 410 00:15:09,782 --> 00:15:11,751 Not to mention the best real-estate agent, 411 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,488 the best party deejay... 412 00:15:13,590 --> 00:15:14,990 The best cowboy, 413 00:15:15,059 --> 00:15:17,396 riverboat gambler, medieval knight... 414 00:15:17,431 --> 00:15:20,302 Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but... 415 00:15:21,773 --> 00:15:23,508 I just love you guys, and... 416 00:15:25,314 --> 00:15:29,153 I want to pass on some of the things that I've learned. 417 00:15:29,255 --> 00:15:31,390 Like... 418 00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:34,463 never try to take a tennis ball away from a raccoon. 419 00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:36,701 Or... 420 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:39,640 never go to play tennis with just one ball. 421 00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:41,310 That is good to know. 422 00:15:41,412 --> 00:15:43,448 Or, you know, stuff like 423 00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:45,218 find the fun in every moment, 424 00:15:45,287 --> 00:15:48,391 find the good in every person, 425 00:15:48,493 --> 00:15:51,497 or never, ever be the one who doesn't do the wave. 426 00:15:51,599 --> 00:15:53,101 Those people die alone. 427 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:55,639 Thanks, Mr. D-yagi. 428 00:15:57,778 --> 00:15:59,547 I'm gonna need another minute. 429 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,053 Hey. 430 00:16:03,156 --> 00:16:04,186 Good news. 431 00:16:04,425 --> 00:16:05,826 - You okay? - Mm-hmm. 432 00:16:05,894 --> 00:16:08,097 I, uh... I just slipped the guy $20 433 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,366 so that we could ride the mechanical bull together. 434 00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,804 Okay, which guy? Because that's a plastic cow, 435 00:16:11,873 --> 00:16:13,708 doesn't move, and... 436 00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:16,414 there's an "X" at the back to tell you which is the front. 437 00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:18,117 Hey, listen, it's starting to slow down. 438 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:19,620 - We should get going, huh? - Really? 439 00:16:19,689 --> 00:16:21,090 All right, folks, grab your partner! 440 00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:22,226 Night's just gettin' started. 441 00:16:22,328 --> 00:16:23,328 I'll get us a car. 442 00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:26,167 Why are you in such a rush to get us out of here? 443 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:27,202 Is it about me? 444 00:16:27,271 --> 00:16:29,607 No! 445 00:16:29,709 --> 00:16:31,377 It's about your clothes 446 00:16:31,479 --> 00:16:33,081 and your dancing 447 00:16:33,149 --> 00:16:34,083 and your drinking and your... 448 00:16:34,185 --> 00:16:35,485 Okay, okay, okay, I get it. 449 00:16:35,554 --> 00:16:36,921 You're embarrassed of me. 450 00:16:37,023 --> 00:16:38,124 Y-You know, you're the one who's been asking me 451 00:16:38,226 --> 00:16:39,293 to come here for years. 452 00:16:39,362 --> 00:16:41,364 I really thought I wanted you here, but then, 453 00:16:41,432 --> 00:16:42,499 once you came here, 454 00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:45,037 I discovered that I don't really want you here. 455 00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,707 Wow, that is beyond... 456 00:16:46,809 --> 00:16:47,743 Okay, well, let me ask you. 457 00:16:47,811 --> 00:16:48,978 Did you have a good time tonight? 458 00:16:49,081 --> 00:16:50,615 I was with you! 459 00:16:50,684 --> 00:16:52,719 - Okay, answer the question. - No. 460 00:16:52,821 --> 00:16:55,125 No, the floor's sticky, I don't know a single song, 461 00:16:55,193 --> 00:16:56,794 and I'm not entirely sure 462 00:16:56,863 --> 00:16:58,164 Donna isn't your sister, Pam. 463 00:16:58,233 --> 00:17:00,602 Honey, I appreciate that you went to all this trouble, 464 00:17:00,704 --> 00:17:01,704 but you know what? 465 00:17:01,773 --> 00:17:03,942 Maybe we don't have to do everything together. 466 00:17:04,044 --> 00:17:05,679 Maybe that's how we'll make sure 467 00:17:05,747 --> 00:17:07,883 - we have lots of anniversaries. - Oh. 468 00:17:07,952 --> 00:17:10,288 And I promise never to forget again. 469 00:17:10,357 --> 00:17:13,561 And I promise I'll never count down the seconds to shame you. 470 00:17:13,630 --> 00:17:15,999 Okay, let's get you out of that belt buckle. 471 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,903 - Ooh. - No, I didn't mean it in a sexy way. 472 00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:21,110 It's hideous. It looks like something you'd get off CalShopTV. 473 00:17:21,179 --> 00:17:23,514 Um, can you call me a driver for the ride home? 474 00:17:23,616 --> 00:17:26,153 Hi! Are you the dog bed guy? I'm Linda. 475 00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:28,458 My wife loves you. She couldn't make it tonight. 476 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,695 I'm sure you have a really nice wife, dog bed guy. 477 00:17:30,764 --> 00:17:33,101 - Do you have any advice? - Uh, talk loud. 478 00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,037 A lot of people are watching this in hospital waiting rooms. 479 00:17:35,107 --> 00:17:37,041 How big an audience do you usually get? 480 00:17:37,144 --> 00:17:38,211 Saturday night? 481 00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:40,081 - 300,000, 400,000. - Ooh! 482 00:17:40,694 --> 00:17:42,519 Oh, my God, 483 00:17:42,588 --> 00:17:44,223 CalShopTV viewers, 484 00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:47,596 I have a very special treat for you. 485 00:17:47,698 --> 00:17:49,032 Joining me is Jay Pritchett 486 00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:51,637 with the most exciting new product. 487 00:17:51,739 --> 00:17:52,973 Right, Jay? 488 00:17:53,042 --> 00:17:54,943 I'm Jay! 489 00:17:55,046 --> 00:17:57,082 Whoo! Yeah, you are. 490 00:17:57,151 --> 00:18:00,822 So, tell me about these adorable little creations. 491 00:18:00,924 --> 00:18:02,492 Uh, dog beds. 492 00:18:04,064 --> 00:18:06,167 Dog beds? Wait, so you're telling me 493 00:18:06,235 --> 00:18:09,106 this pineapple is a dog bed? 494 00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,809 Wh... Well, now I've seen everything. 495 00:18:10,911 --> 00:18:12,245 - Tell me more. - Um... 496 00:18:14,017 --> 00:18:15,050 You know, dogs get tired... 497 00:18:15,153 --> 00:18:16,220 Mm-hmm. 498 00:18:16,322 --> 00:18:17,756 and, uh, so... 499 00:18:17,858 --> 00:18:18,825 these. 500 00:18:18,927 --> 00:18:21,029 - Uh-oh. - Gosh, I feel like 501 00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,566 I'm doing most of the talking. 502 00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,603 How would you describe your dog beds? 503 00:18:26,676 --> 00:18:27,676 Delicious? 504 00:18:27,778 --> 00:18:28,878 I gave him that. 505 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,419 Jay, anything else you'd like to share 506 00:18:32,488 --> 00:18:34,389 with our CalShopTV audience? 507 00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:36,694 Something to get those phone lines buzzing? 508 00:18:39,802 --> 00:18:41,470 Do it. 509 00:18:41,639 --> 00:18:43,107 Do it. 510 00:18:44,411 --> 00:18:46,313 Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller. 511 00:18:46,415 --> 00:18:50,355 Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside. 512 00:18:50,457 --> 00:18:51,824 I love dogs! 513 00:18:51,926 --> 00:18:53,026 Hello, Joanne. 514 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,796 I have a question. 515 00:18:54,899 --> 00:18:58,271 It is called, uh, Beds by Stella. 516 00:18:58,373 --> 00:18:59,840 Who is Stella? 517 00:18:59,909 --> 00:19:01,377 She's my dog. 518 00:19:01,445 --> 00:19:04,783 Oh! I see that she's your inspiration 519 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,320 for what you're doing. 520 00:19:06,389 --> 00:19:08,524 What kind of dog is she? 521 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,397 French bulldog. And I know what you're thinking. 522 00:19:11,499 --> 00:19:14,035 Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude. 523 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,809 French people are so snooty. I love it. 524 00:19:17,911 --> 00:19:19,846 But not my little girl. 525 00:19:19,882 --> 00:19:21,383 Uh, she's the salt of the Earth. 526 00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,953 I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me 527 00:19:23,021 --> 00:19:24,289 when I'm watching sports. 528 00:19:24,358 --> 00:19:26,360 You know, I explain the whole game to her, 529 00:19:26,462 --> 00:19:28,431 which is funny because, you know, um, 530 00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:30,602 dogs don't really understand sports. 531 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,239 Oh, yeah, that's cute, 532 00:19:32,274 --> 00:19:34,176 but I bet that it's very annoying 533 00:19:34,245 --> 00:19:36,714 - for the people that live with you. - Yeah, well, 534 00:19:36,782 --> 00:19:38,251 you know, they say they don't love her, 535 00:19:38,353 --> 00:19:39,920 but I know they do, 536 00:19:40,022 --> 00:19:41,857 uh, because she's part of the family, 537 00:19:41,926 --> 00:19:45,164 so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep. 538 00:19:46,469 --> 00:19:48,003 Like your dogs. 539 00:19:48,106 --> 00:19:51,443 Uh, you know, I call this one the Puppy Colada, 540 00:19:51,512 --> 00:19:53,381 and, uh, the Rover Rocket. 541 00:19:53,449 --> 00:19:56,019 This one here is the, uh, Pupcake. 542 00:19:56,054 --> 00:19:57,589 This is the Tailavision, 543 00:19:57,691 --> 00:19:59,993 and our latest creation 544 00:20:00,096 --> 00:20:02,365 is the Taj Mahowl! 545 00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,974 Wow, our phones are lighting up. 546 00:20:05,206 --> 00:20:08,344 Thank you, Mr. Pritchett. I can feel all the love 547 00:20:08,413 --> 00:20:11,517 and hard work that you put into your beds. 548 00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:14,589 I am very proud of you. 549 00:20:14,692 --> 00:20:18,197 Thank you, Joanne from Riverside. 550 00:20:18,299 --> 00:20:19,733 I love you. 551 00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,403 Oh, hold on. Okay, wait. I just got it. 552 00:20:21,505 --> 00:20:23,140 Taj Mahowl! 553 00:20:24,696 --> 00:20:25,735 That's it! 554 00:20:26,194 --> 00:20:27,995 Thank you, Janet from Pomona, 555 00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:29,945 and to your little Pomeranian, Tony, 556 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,115 I'd just like to say... 557 00:20:34,321 --> 00:20:35,756 I can't believe I'm saying this, 558 00:20:35,790 --> 00:20:38,096 but you might be weirder than the knife guy. 559 00:20:39,264 --> 00:20:41,001 Oh, look at that. 560 00:20:41,034 --> 00:20:43,739 You just sold your hundredth dog bed. 561 00:20:43,772 --> 00:20:45,143 How 'bout a little tail wag? 562 00:20:45,176 --> 00:20:46,412 You don't have to ask me twice. 563 00:20:51,722 --> 00:20:53,259 Good God, Dad. 564 00:20:53,292 --> 00:20:56,098 We may have to make some difficult decisions soon. 565 00:20:56,132 --> 00:20:58,336 Wait, that's the guy you were afraid you couldn't live up to? 566 00:20:58,369 --> 00:20:59,604 I know. 567 00:20:59,638 --> 00:21:00,915 Legend. 568 00:21:02,477 --> 00:21:04,479 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com