1 00:00:05,342 --> 00:00:07,168 Shh! You'll wake Lily. 2 00:00:07,211 --> 00:00:08,821 How drunk are you? I told you three times 3 00:00:08,865 --> 00:00:11,172 - she's on that school trip. - I'd feel more confident 4 00:00:11,215 --> 00:00:12,738 - if you weren't also whispering. - Fair point. 5 00:00:12,782 --> 00:00:14,305 Are... Are you wearing lipstick? 6 00:00:14,349 --> 00:00:15,916 - Hm? - Am I wearing nail polish? 7 00:00:17,265 --> 00:00:19,136 So, we kind of had a crazy night out. 8 00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:20,877 It started off at this little 9 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:23,140 under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about. 10 00:00:23,184 --> 00:00:25,577 Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me." 11 00:00:25,621 --> 00:00:27,188 Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings 12 00:00:27,231 --> 00:00:28,363 that took a shine to us. 13 00:00:28,406 --> 00:00:31,409 They introduced us to the world of underground parties 14 00:00:31,453 --> 00:00:32,671 and $18 cocktails. 15 00:00:32,715 --> 00:00:33,921 - It was so burnt. - Lit. 16 00:00:33,964 --> 00:00:34,978 - Lit. - Lit. 17 00:00:35,022 --> 00:00:37,981 I don't even remember half these bars. 18 00:00:38,025 --> 00:00:39,461 Did we go to a hospital last night? 19 00:00:39,504 --> 00:00:41,463 Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy... 20 00:00:41,506 --> 00:00:44,074 Put a pat of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head back, 21 00:00:44,118 --> 00:00:45,418 and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose. 22 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:46,551 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 23 00:00:46,624 --> 00:00:48,644 - That's a group text from Binker. - What? 24 00:00:48,687 --> 00:00:50,559 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, my gosh. 25 00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:52,822 The gang wants to get back together and party tonight. 26 00:00:52,865 --> 00:00:54,432 And you said we'd never hear from them 27 00:00:54,476 --> 00:00:56,478 after they saw us in that horrible Denny's lighting. 28 00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:59,437 Okay, we have to play this exactly right... 29 00:00:59,481 --> 00:01:01,352 We don't want to come off too eager, 30 00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:04,268 but we also want to let 'em know we're down to mob. 31 00:01:04,312 --> 00:01:05,675 - Oh, my God. - Cam, you know our rule, 32 00:01:05,770 --> 00:01:07,199 we never go out two nights in a row. 33 00:01:07,237 --> 00:01:09,708 - Yeah, I know, but this is... - We're already pushing it 34 00:01:09,752 --> 00:01:11,058 by going to that lecture series tonight. 35 00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:12,885 What lecture series? 36 00:01:12,929 --> 00:01:14,452 Alan Greenspan's top aide. 37 00:01:14,496 --> 00:01:16,672 We bought the season pass so we'd get premium seating 38 00:01:16,715 --> 00:01:18,935 to "A Night of Sarcasm with Fran Lebowitz." 39 00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:21,024 Oh, everyone's in. 40 00:01:21,068 --> 00:01:24,158 Look at all those thumbs of colors. They're so woke. 41 00:01:25,463 --> 00:01:26,599 "We're out. Catch you next time"? 42 00:01:26,691 --> 00:01:28,249 Mitchell. 43 00:01:28,292 --> 00:01:29,380 How could you? 44 00:01:29,424 --> 00:01:31,208 Storm out softly. You'll wake Lily. 45 00:01:46,905 --> 00:01:49,531 Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. 46 00:01:49,574 --> 00:01:52,621 I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch. 47 00:01:52,664 --> 00:01:55,406 Surprise her? At the end of the semester? 48 00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:57,408 Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams. 49 00:01:57,452 --> 00:01:59,454 She's gonna be... 50 00:01:59,497 --> 00:02:00,629 thrilled. 51 00:02:00,672 --> 00:02:02,413 Have you ever seen a video of yourself 52 00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:04,894 wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? 53 00:02:04,937 --> 00:02:07,723 Well, that happened to me recently, and... 54 00:02:07,766 --> 00:02:09,290 it was my personality. 55 00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:12,336 For centuries, man has longed to rule the air 56 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:14,121 like the majestic squirrel. 57 00:02:14,164 --> 00:02:16,297 The wait ends today. 58 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,341 Nope. 59 00:02:17,385 --> 00:02:18,734 Uh, but what if we... 60 00:02:18,777 --> 00:02:20,214 - Doesn't matter. - Hey, Mom. 61 00:02:20,257 --> 00:02:21,867 I can pull this off, right? 62 00:02:21,911 --> 00:02:23,217 - Let me. - Oh. 63 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,656 Ah, we're not home. 64 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,963 I made a decision to be less negative. 65 00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:34,750 It's the new me, the girl who says "yes." 66 00:02:34,793 --> 00:02:36,360 Friend went to Mexico for the weekend. 67 00:02:36,404 --> 00:02:37,840 I'm finding the level. 68 00:02:38,928 --> 00:02:41,235 Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy. 69 00:02:41,278 --> 00:02:42,932 Thanks... I think. 70 00:02:42,975 --> 00:02:43,976 I'm trying to step up my game. 71 00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:45,369 I started seeing someone from work. 72 00:02:45,413 --> 00:02:47,284 Oh, honey. I don't know 73 00:02:47,328 --> 00:02:48,807 if I think that's such a good idea that... 74 00:02:50,374 --> 00:02:53,247 Never mind. I approve. 75 00:02:54,378 --> 00:02:57,599 I doubt my mom would approve if she knew the whole story. 76 00:02:58,948 --> 00:02:59,949 Pool boy. 77 00:02:59,992 --> 00:03:01,255 I need more towels. 78 00:03:01,298 --> 00:03:02,952 Right away, ma'am. 79 00:03:11,961 --> 00:03:14,703 Done. I just approved another design. 80 00:03:14,746 --> 00:03:17,009 The most luxurious dog bed yet. 81 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,141 I call it... 82 00:03:18,185 --> 00:03:19,316 The Top of the Bark. 83 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,144 Ah, that's nice that you can 84 00:03:21,188 --> 00:03:22,624 run your new company at home 85 00:03:22,667 --> 00:03:24,887 in clothes that you can only wear at home. 86 00:03:26,193 --> 00:03:29,413 When men get to a certain age, they stop trying. 87 00:03:29,457 --> 00:03:31,372 I've seen it before. 88 00:03:31,415 --> 00:03:33,156 First, it starts with the clothes, 89 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,593 then the body, then the brain. 90 00:03:35,637 --> 00:03:37,334 But I can't say anything to Jay, 91 00:03:37,378 --> 00:03:39,728 because when it comes to his appearance, 92 00:03:39,771 --> 00:03:41,643 he's very sensitive. 93 00:03:41,686 --> 00:03:44,298 Mi amor, I'm back. 94 00:03:44,341 --> 00:03:45,359 Welcome home. 95 00:03:46,581 --> 00:03:47,736 You hate it, right? 96 00:03:47,779 --> 00:03:49,390 I'll shave it. It's a joke. 97 00:03:49,433 --> 00:03:51,174 Stupid! 98 00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,307 Good dawning, all. 99 00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:54,830 What am I looking at? 100 00:03:54,873 --> 00:03:57,180 Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself? 101 00:03:57,224 --> 00:03:58,573 It's a traditional Tudor collar. 102 00:03:58,616 --> 00:04:00,444 I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, 103 00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:02,564 and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual. 104 00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:03,621 I don't hate it. 105 00:04:03,665 --> 00:04:05,188 I think it makes your head 106 00:04:05,232 --> 00:04:07,277 look like one of those fancy cookies. 107 00:04:07,321 --> 00:04:09,758 I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues 108 00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,543 and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting. 109 00:04:12,587 --> 00:04:13,762 What happened to hazing? 110 00:04:13,805 --> 00:04:15,329 It used to be macho stuff, you know, 111 00:04:15,372 --> 00:04:17,983 like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button 112 00:04:18,027 --> 00:04:21,204 or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks. 113 00:04:21,248 --> 00:04:23,815 Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. 114 00:04:23,859 --> 00:04:25,252 I don't want to jinx it, 115 00:04:25,295 --> 00:04:26,818 but a week from now, I could be learning 116 00:04:26,862 --> 00:04:28,431 - the steps of the secret minuet. - Ooh. 117 00:04:28,517 --> 00:04:32,650 This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying. 118 00:04:32,694 --> 00:04:34,435 Jay, what do you think? 119 00:04:34,478 --> 00:04:36,828 We'll go out for a nice lunch, 120 00:04:36,872 --> 00:04:38,613 dress up a little bit. 121 00:04:38,656 --> 00:04:39,701 This feels like an attack. 122 00:04:39,744 --> 00:04:41,572 All right, that's as gentle as I can go, 123 00:04:41,616 --> 00:04:43,574 I am Colombian, not Canadian. 124 00:04:43,618 --> 00:04:44,793 I got an e-mail from the club. 125 00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:47,056 The older players have taken over the driving range 126 00:04:47,099 --> 00:04:49,450 for bocce weekday mornings. 127 00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:51,234 So what? You can play golf later. 128 00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:52,714 No, we got a whole group... 129 00:04:52,757 --> 00:04:54,063 the Sunrise Swingers. 130 00:04:54,106 --> 00:04:56,021 We meet there at 6:00, hit a bucket. 131 00:04:56,065 --> 00:04:57,941 One of the gals is making up tank tops. 132 00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:00,636 Oh, yay. More casual clothes. 133 00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:02,506 No, I'm going down there, get the support 134 00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:03,594 of some of the other golfers. 135 00:05:03,638 --> 00:05:05,814 - Maybe I can fight this thing. - Okay, good idea, 136 00:05:05,857 --> 00:05:08,730 but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club. 137 00:05:08,773 --> 00:05:10,427 They probably already overturned it. 138 00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:12,299 Ah, the whole place went to hell 139 00:05:12,342 --> 00:05:13,822 when they stopped putting ice in the urinals. 140 00:05:13,865 --> 00:05:15,491 There's just something about destroying a thing 141 00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:16,667 while you're taking a pee 142 00:05:16,786 --> 00:05:18,740 that makes a man feel like a man. 143 00:05:21,438 --> 00:05:24,049 Oh, well, hello there. 144 00:05:24,093 --> 00:05:26,487 - Uh, Dad. What are you doing here? - Hi. 145 00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:28,271 I thought I'd take you to lunch. 146 00:05:28,315 --> 00:05:30,252 It wasn't just about lunch. 147 00:05:30,345 --> 00:05:33,044 Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. 148 00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:34,828 And I'm afraid that the distance between us 149 00:05:34,872 --> 00:05:36,961 might grow after she graduates. 150 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:40,007 Wow. Graduates? 151 00:05:40,051 --> 00:05:42,053 It was just, like, 10 years ago 152 00:05:42,096 --> 00:05:44,620 when she took her first college course. 153 00:05:44,664 --> 00:05:45,970 I really wish you would've called. 154 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,233 I can't go to lunch today. I'm late for... 155 00:05:48,276 --> 00:05:50,844 - an event. - Is that why you're all dressed up? 156 00:05:50,888 --> 00:05:52,454 Yeah. But it's no big deal. 157 00:05:52,498 --> 00:05:54,630 B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper? 158 00:05:54,674 --> 00:05:56,850 Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp. 159 00:05:56,894 --> 00:05:58,460 How is that not bigger news? 160 00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:00,332 It's a fake paper, Dad. 161 00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,986 It's senior prank week. 162 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,030 Oh. I wish I'd known that 163 00:06:03,074 --> 00:06:05,641 before I sent your mom this text. 164 00:06:05,685 --> 00:06:07,818 "It's starting. Hide the bananas." 165 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,302 - Seriously? - The Kepler Award? 166 00:06:14,346 --> 00:06:15,564 Is this where you're going, 167 00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:17,958 'cause it looks like it's a big deal? 168 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,221 It's just a boring reception for finalists. 169 00:06:20,265 --> 00:06:21,875 Well, I love a good reception. 170 00:06:21,919 --> 00:06:23,094 What time are we expected? 171 00:06:23,137 --> 00:06:25,096 Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests. 172 00:06:25,139 --> 00:06:26,488 Says here, "families welcome." 173 00:06:26,532 --> 00:06:27,925 But I didn't RSVP. 174 00:06:27,968 --> 00:06:29,883 Says here, "walk-ins encouraged." 175 00:06:29,927 --> 00:06:32,133 What an informative flyer. 176 00:06:32,146 --> 00:06:34,670 Awesome. Let's do this. 177 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:40,443 Yoga, right? 178 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,097 No winners, no losers, 179 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,838 no "who's best?" 180 00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:46,580 You want me to tell you that you are the only one 181 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,538 that didn't need help from the teacher? 182 00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:49,626 Was I? 183 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,890 - Janice. Hi. - Hi. 184 00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:54,457 This is Claire, my husband's daughter. 185 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,285 - Hi. - Hi. 186 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,592 So, that makes Gloria kind of like your stepmother. 187 00:06:58,635 --> 00:06:59,941 Yeah, we don't do that. 188 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,595 - Oh. - Um, anyways, 189 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,597 how is your new boyfriend? 190 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,815 Pretty great. 191 00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,730 I do feel a little awkward 192 00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,471 about the age difference, though. 193 00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,603 Ooh, which way are we talking? 194 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:12,301 He's, uh, in his early 20s. 195 00:07:13,243 --> 00:07:14,564 Noice! 196 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,261 Isn't that embarrassing? 197 00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:17,828 No. I say go for it. 198 00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,482 Ooh, I like this new Claire 199 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,484 that says "yes" to things. 200 00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,747 Before, you would be like, uh... 201 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,619 what is the word for grouchy? 202 00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:27,490 I don't think it matters now. 203 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,274 Early 20s, huh. 204 00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:30,928 Well, you're still beating gravity at that point. 205 00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:33,496 I bet everything is right where it should be. 206 00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:34,628 - Oh, yes. - Yeah. 207 00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:38,283 Check out this selfie he sent of his abs. 208 00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:39,937 Damn! 209 00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:41,330 Mm. 210 00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:43,767 It's so nice to be with someone who takes care of himself, 211 00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,726 not like the guys my age. 212 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:46,944 Tell me about it. 213 00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:48,642 Jay's starting to give up a little bit. 214 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,382 You know, in the way that he's dressing. 215 00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:51,645 - Mm. - Why don't you bring 216 00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:54,125 your guy by the house to remind Jay 217 00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:57,128 that women like a man that make a little effort. 218 00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:59,696 - Um, well, we're free later today, if that works. - Perfect. 219 00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:01,742 And, Claire, you come, too, so that you help me 220 00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,874 nudge Jay in the right direction. 221 00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:05,615 Well, I wouldn't want my first "no" 222 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:07,965 - to be to my stepmother. - I said we're not doing that. 223 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,665 Cam, hurry! 224 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:12,927 If we get there early enough, 225 00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,798 we get to submit a question about Greenspan. 226 00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,234 I got a doozy about stag-flation. 227 00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:17,584 - Just hear me out. - You... 228 00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:20,804 - We decided... - No, you decided. 229 00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,240 And, Mitchell, we had so much fun last night. 230 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,894 Lily's gone for one more night. 231 00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,810 Let's go out! Come on. Have some fun. 232 00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,116 And break our two-night-in-a-row rule? 233 00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:30,118 No, no. I don't think so. 234 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,685 Okay, you slept two hours last night. 235 00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,687 You know you hit a wall when you get overtired. 236 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:36,254 - It's very intense. - You know what I think this is? 237 00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,778 I think you're worried that you can't keep up 238 00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:39,823 - with me and my youthful spirit. - Mm. 239 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,825 The other day, you called a refrigerator an icebox. 240 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,131 That's not old, that's country cute. 241 00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,220 - Okay. - Let's face it. You were born 50, 242 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:48,745 and I've always been young at heart. 243 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,834 And you know what? Maybe that's what attracted you 244 00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:53,968 to me in the first place... my boyish charm. 245 00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:57,362 And you were an older, seasoned man who came and... 246 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:59,713 seduced me, Mr. Robinson. 247 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,758 Okay, yeah, that's a youthful reference. 248 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,021 You should trot that out with your new friends. 249 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,414 Cam, this is so you, okay? 250 00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:06,850 You're running yourself ragged 251 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,156 trying to remain young. 252 00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,462 I mean, there's nothing wrong with accepting the fact 253 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:11,638 that you're getting a little older. 254 00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:13,596 Unless you're admitting it too soon. 255 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,163 You don't want to look up one day and think, 256 00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,860 "Oh, what did I forget to do? 257 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:18,601 Oh, yeah. Live." 258 00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,821 Well, you know what? If you need me, 259 00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:23,824 I'm gonna be pre-gaming in Binker's loft in... 260 00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,869 an abandoned cannery 261 00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:27,697 in the old pickle district. 262 00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:28,959 - Sounds drafty. - Yeah. 263 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,223 Nice roll. 264 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,312 The bocce situation was worse than I feared. 265 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,879 I had to get the range back 266 00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:38,621 in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers. 267 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:41,624 Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet. 268 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,844 Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here. 269 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,846 But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, 270 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,848 you're a fellow, uh, 271 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,240 - "swinger." - Excuse me? 272 00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,242 No, no, it's okay. I'm cool. It's just that I, uh... 273 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,853 I'm trying to get something started here. 274 00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,725 I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, 275 00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,422 but I don't mind hosting at my house. 276 00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,686 - Are you actually suggesting... - Lady, wake up. 277 00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,644 Our way of life is under attack. 278 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:02,993 Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us 279 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,212 for a decent foursome. 280 00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:05,430 I have to go. 281 00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:06,910 Okay. Well, just think about it. 282 00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,043 - That's all. Just think about it. - Okay. 283 00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:11,349 - Worth a shot, huh? - What? 284 00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:12,742 No, that's not what I meant. 285 00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,657 Oh, that's what you bocce players are about, huh? 286 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,485 You find something nice, and you ruin it. 287 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:20,794 That's Dr. Stieglitz. 288 00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,709 He makes the final decision on the award. 289 00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,886 He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress. 290 00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:27,061 Hey, I know this is your dad talking, 291 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,453 but you're pretty brilliant and scary 292 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:29,672 and impossible yourself. 293 00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,241 Okay. I've made an appearance. 294 00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:35,591 - I think we can go. - Come on, now, Alex. 295 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,810 This is a party in your honor, 296 00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:38,768 and you're here with your own personal cheerleader. 297 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,683 - Dad, I just... - I know how to pump up an academic crowd. 298 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,685 I had to cheer for the debate team once. 299 00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:45,645 "Be persuasive, B-E persuasive." 300 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,910 - "B-E P-E-R-S... " - That's enough. 301 00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:52,260 "Damn. Might as well ask Schrodinger's cat." 302 00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:56,830 Pets. 303 00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:59,049 I once had a macaw that could use a remote control. 304 00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:01,356 Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh... 305 00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,967 You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax. 306 00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,259 I'm Alex's dad. 307 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,405 Alex, get in here. 308 00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:10,757 Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment 309 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,803 concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics. 310 00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,588 Yes, quite, quite. 311 00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,941 Where are you all from originally? 312 00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:22,551 It was so embarrassing. 313 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,727 Professor Stieglitz is a genius. 314 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,077 He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him 315 00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:28,949 by saying things like "Quite, quite," 316 00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,864 or, "Indeed," or... 317 00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,953 Touché, my good man! 318 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:35,738 But seriously, I-I have a science question 319 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:38,306 - I've always wondered about. - Uh, maybe keep wondering. 320 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:42,092 Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby 321 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:44,312 that would lift it off the ground? 322 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:45,966 What? 323 00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:47,315 Oh. I don't want it to float away. 324 00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,012 I-I just want it to have fun. 325 00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,582 Can we... 326 00:11:55,569 --> 00:11:57,135 Could you do me a favor? 327 00:11:57,179 --> 00:11:58,920 I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, 328 00:11:58,963 --> 00:12:00,661 and someone needs to be there to sign for it. 329 00:12:00,704 --> 00:12:01,792 Can't your roommate do it? 330 00:12:01,836 --> 00:12:03,707 No. She got deported. 331 00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:05,579 I thought she was from Arkansas. 332 00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:08,669 Yeah, but her parents were... traitors. 333 00:12:08,712 --> 00:12:10,105 - Beth and Allen? - Don't feel bad. 334 00:12:10,148 --> 00:12:11,628 We all fell for it. 335 00:12:11,672 --> 00:12:13,674 So you want me to go back to your dorm room 336 00:12:13,717 --> 00:12:15,589 and sit and wait for a package? 337 00:12:15,632 --> 00:12:17,678 Yes. 338 00:12:17,721 --> 00:12:19,897 Oh, sh-shoot, honey. I... 339 00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:25,468 I have a delivery coming back to the house, too, so... 340 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:26,643 I should run. 341 00:12:26,687 --> 00:12:29,472 - Well, if you have to. - Yeah. I'm so sorry. 342 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,519 But, hey, good luck, okay? 343 00:12:33,955 --> 00:12:35,435 Bye, Dad. 344 00:12:38,742 --> 00:12:41,266 Uh, did I seem a little... 345 00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:43,486 Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah. 346 00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:45,053 So you think I was... 347 00:12:45,096 --> 00:12:46,620 Like the sum of a group of numbers divided by 348 00:12:46,663 --> 00:12:49,057 the number of those numbers? Mean. 349 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,190 This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina. 350 00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,848 Hey. How in the world did you find me? 351 00:13:04,891 --> 00:13:07,590 You know that app you can put on kids' phones to track them? 352 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:10,157 You put one on my phone after I surprised you today? 353 00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,638 Don't make me feel worse than I already do. 354 00:13:12,682 --> 00:13:15,075 Wait a minute. You won? 355 00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:17,077 Congratulations! 356 00:13:17,121 --> 00:13:19,036 Please don't be happy for me. I can't take it. 357 00:13:19,079 --> 00:13:21,038 I was such a jerk to you. 358 00:13:21,081 --> 00:13:24,476 No, honey, I get it. I, uh... 359 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,347 I know I can be embarrassing. I... 360 00:13:26,391 --> 00:13:28,132 I just get nervous around smart people. 361 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,220 Sometimes even you. 362 00:13:30,284 --> 00:13:31,831 The first time I ever said "quite, quite" 363 00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:33,572 was when you were 6 years old and you just told me 364 00:13:33,616 --> 00:13:35,922 about how plants make carbon dioxide. 365 00:13:35,966 --> 00:13:37,968 This may surprise you, but... 366 00:13:38,011 --> 00:13:39,752 sometimes I wish I was more like you, 367 00:13:39,796 --> 00:13:43,364 the way you're always able to enjoy life. 368 00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:45,628 Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad. 369 00:13:45,671 --> 00:13:47,543 I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him. 370 00:13:47,586 --> 00:13:49,632 And his dad actually suffered 371 00:13:49,675 --> 00:13:51,634 from a smile-induced hernia. 372 00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:53,418 It's prank week, 373 00:13:53,462 --> 00:13:56,682 and I spent the whole time in the library. 374 00:13:56,726 --> 00:13:58,075 Sometimes I feel like I just went through 375 00:13:58,118 --> 00:13:59,990 the four best years of my life, 376 00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:02,079 only I forgot to make them 377 00:14:02,122 --> 00:14:04,864 the four best years of my life. 378 00:14:04,908 --> 00:14:06,126 Well, college isn't over. 379 00:14:07,345 --> 00:14:08,651 And I just may be able to help you 380 00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:10,522 make up for a little lost time. 381 00:14:10,566 --> 00:14:12,306 Hot Wing Trivia's about to start. 382 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:14,526 I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"? 383 00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:15,571 How did you...? 384 00:14:15,614 --> 00:14:17,094 You knew I was coming? 385 00:14:17,137 --> 00:14:19,705 Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app. 386 00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,361 And there's one tiny change. 387 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,581 We're actually the MacDunphys. 388 00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:31,543 Only my dad would think that a trivia game... 389 00:14:31,587 --> 00:14:33,632 The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. 390 00:14:34,326 --> 00:14:35,721 where you balance hats on your head, 391 00:14:36,814 --> 00:14:38,202 drink beer as a reward... 392 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,986 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 393 00:14:40,381 --> 00:14:42,554 and eat hot wings as a punishment... 394 00:14:42,598 --> 00:14:44,382 Millard Fillmore! 395 00:14:46,645 --> 00:14:49,561 needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent. 396 00:14:49,605 --> 00:14:52,608 Dopey, Sneezy... 397 00:14:52,651 --> 00:14:55,001 and Grumpy? 398 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,146 Yeah! 399 00:14:57,961 --> 00:15:00,050 Whoever said the most important thing in life 400 00:15:00,093 --> 00:15:01,530 is winning awards... 401 00:15:04,663 --> 00:15:06,186 wasn't all wrong. 402 00:15:10,755 --> 00:15:13,759 I still remember the day Mr. Greenspan 403 00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:16,849 coined the term "irrational exuberance." 404 00:15:16,893 --> 00:15:19,417 He had taken a longer than usual tub 405 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,854 and, as he sat in the soapy water... 406 00:15:21,898 --> 00:15:23,813 I had made a mistake. 407 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,641 Cam was off on an adventure 408 00:15:25,684 --> 00:15:27,512 while I sat there dying of boredom, 409 00:15:27,556 --> 00:15:31,647 surrounded by people dying of natural causes. 410 00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:33,649 I'm gonna keep the bounce going, okay? 411 00:15:33,692 --> 00:15:34,780 - Keep the bounce going. - Yeah, you know, it's a little more 412 00:15:34,824 --> 00:15:36,782 - sass in the neck, because... - Oh, my gosh! 413 00:15:36,826 --> 00:15:38,392 Mitchell, what are you doing here? 414 00:15:38,436 --> 00:15:40,873 - What about the lecture? - Well, uh, it was deadly. 415 00:15:40,917 --> 00:15:42,527 Yeah, I'm getting old before my time. 416 00:15:42,571 --> 00:15:43,876 Please take me with you! Make me young again! 417 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,313 Oh, my gosh, we're so happy you're here. 418 00:15:46,357 --> 00:15:47,750 - Really? - Yeah, of course. 419 00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:50,883 - No "I told you so"? - No. That's not how my generation does it. 420 00:15:50,927 --> 00:15:52,842 Well, check you out, still going strong. 421 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,322 Yeah, you know what? I think I'm just feeding off the energy, 422 00:15:55,366 --> 00:15:56,559 because I haven't felt this awake in... 423 00:15:56,602 --> 00:15:57,629 - Hold on just a second. - Hm? 424 00:15:57,673 --> 00:15:59,718 Yo, blue guy! Hey, blue shirt! 425 00:15:59,762 --> 00:16:01,111 What's up, bro? Hey! 426 00:16:01,154 --> 00:16:02,634 You looking at me? What do you want to do? 427 00:16:02,678 --> 00:16:04,149 You want to dance? Why is he staring at me? 428 00:16:04,193 --> 00:16:06,934 You know, you know, I don't think he was looking at you. 429 00:16:06,978 --> 00:16:08,458 It seems like he's looking at me. What's... 430 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:09,720 Are you getting a little tired? 431 00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:11,112 Oh, please. Can a tired guy do this? 432 00:16:11,156 --> 00:16:13,506 Da! Hey, I love these guys! Whoa. 433 00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:16,422 Oh, did you know Daryl... Daryl's mom was the runner-up 434 00:16:16,466 --> 00:16:18,119 in the Miss Illinois pageant 435 00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:21,122 in 1990? 436 00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:26,389 - Ow! - Fantastic. 437 00:16:26,432 --> 00:16:28,129 Cam, I think you might be hitting that wall. 438 00:16:28,173 --> 00:16:29,914 No, no, no, I'm fine. I would... 439 00:16:29,957 --> 00:16:31,394 What's this clown staring at? Hey! 440 00:16:31,437 --> 00:16:33,265 No, no, no, no, no, don't point at me. 441 00:16:33,309 --> 00:16:35,049 I'll rip your finger off 442 00:16:35,093 --> 00:16:36,268 and feed it to your red-headed girlfriend! 443 00:16:36,312 --> 00:16:37,400 - Okay, that is a mirror. - Huh? 444 00:16:37,443 --> 00:16:40,272 And I knew this sweater made me look busty. 445 00:16:40,316 --> 00:16:42,056 Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? 446 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,623 Did somebody put something in my drink? 447 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:47,105 Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial 448 00:16:47,148 --> 00:16:50,108 scooter jockeys dose me? Huh? 449 00:16:50,151 --> 00:16:52,415 What, you think you can take this tree down, do you? 450 00:16:52,458 --> 00:16:54,721 Well, guess what! I'm a redwood! 451 00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,854 That's right, I was here before you were born, 452 00:16:56,897 --> 00:16:58,377 and I'll be here after you're gone! 453 00:16:58,421 --> 00:16:59,291 - Okay, okay. - Yeah! 454 00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,297 He gets like this. He just needs a nap. 455 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:02,425 - Nap time. - Okay. 456 00:17:02,468 --> 00:17:03,861 - Nap. Let's go. - No, I don't want to go, though! 457 00:17:03,904 --> 00:17:05,297 - I like my new friends! - Yeah, I know. 458 00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:06,907 Do you guys like me? 'Cause I like you! 459 00:17:06,951 --> 00:17:08,213 Yeah. I want to stay! Hey! 460 00:17:08,257 --> 00:17:09,388 And I'm really sorry about everything. 461 00:17:09,432 --> 00:17:10,998 - You got to let him go. - No, I'm sorry. 462 00:17:11,042 --> 00:17:12,739 - You got to let him go. It's okay. Thank you. - I'm so sorry. 463 00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:15,089 - Bye-bye. - I didn't know you weren't staring at me. 464 00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:17,266 - Shh. It's okay. - No, I don't want to go. 465 00:17:19,006 --> 00:17:21,879 I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society. 466 00:17:21,922 --> 00:17:24,098 Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie. 467 00:17:24,142 --> 00:17:25,143 So it is "methinks." 468 00:17:25,186 --> 00:17:26,318 So, why does Jay correct me 469 00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:28,015 every time I say that? 470 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,716 Jay, we have company! Do not hide in the bedroom. 471 00:17:35,066 --> 00:17:36,154 - Hello. - Hi. 472 00:17:36,197 --> 00:17:37,625 Thank you for coming. 473 00:17:37,938 --> 00:17:40,332 - Where's the boyfriend? - He's just parking. 474 00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:43,379 And, you know, we realized something on the way over, 475 00:17:43,422 --> 00:17:44,914 and it's a little awkward. 476 00:17:45,511 --> 00:17:47,121 Those are my hors d'oeuvres. I'll be back. 477 00:17:47,165 --> 00:17:48,732 - Make yourself a drink. - Okay. 478 00:17:50,429 --> 00:17:52,213 Hey, hot stuff. 479 00:17:52,257 --> 00:17:54,346 Are you sure this isn't a little weird? 480 00:17:54,390 --> 00:17:56,957 Well, I wasn't expecting the couple we'd be helping out 481 00:17:57,001 --> 00:17:59,382 to be my grandpa and his wife, but... 482 00:17:59,425 --> 00:18:00,430 our relationship was gonna be 483 00:18:00,431 --> 00:18:02,231 - out in the open eventually. - Yeah. 484 00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:04,400 I kind of bragged about it to everyone I know. 485 00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:05,656 Oh, you're so sweet. 486 00:18:06,967 --> 00:18:08,708 My daughter. 487 00:18:08,752 --> 00:18:11,189 She wants to have friends over. I said no parties. 488 00:18:11,232 --> 00:18:12,538 Hey, you relax. 489 00:18:14,888 --> 00:18:17,761 Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off. 490 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:20,807 Oh! 491 00:18:20,851 --> 00:18:22,374 The lady from the club! 492 00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,028 Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband 493 00:18:24,071 --> 00:18:25,769 and things were about to get very awkward, 494 00:18:25,812 --> 00:18:28,641 or she did know and she was here to follow up 495 00:18:28,685 --> 00:18:30,643 on my accidental proposition. 496 00:18:30,687 --> 00:18:32,471 God, I hate company! 497 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,169 Hey, hot stuff. 498 00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:36,823 Where's your boy toy? 499 00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:39,326 Oh, he's making a phone call. Got to say, though, 500 00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:42,162 I feel kind of awkward because, turns out, 501 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,294 - he's related to Gloria. - What? 502 00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:47,167 My daughter. I have to handle this. Sorry. 503 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,866 Claire, I have big news. 504 00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:52,737 Oh, God. If it's what I think it is, 505 00:18:52,781 --> 00:18:54,870 I don't know if that's a good idea. 506 00:18:54,914 --> 00:18:56,089 I know. People will say 507 00:18:56,132 --> 00:18:58,178 I've taken my love of old things too far. 508 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,570 - Mm-hmm. - But I'm happy. 509 00:18:59,614 --> 00:19:02,443 And not to brag, but I'm the first Latino to get in there. 510 00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:05,402 Oh, boy. I feel sort of responsible for this. 511 00:19:05,446 --> 00:19:07,883 Um, I think it has a little more to do with my performance. 512 00:19:07,927 --> 00:19:09,102 I distinguished myself 513 00:19:09,145 --> 00:19:11,191 when I did literally all the girl parts. 514 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:14,107 I need to go splash some water on my face. 515 00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:17,110 Wait a minute. Have you been doing sit-ups? 516 00:19:17,153 --> 00:19:18,372 Oh, every night for stamina. 517 00:19:18,415 --> 00:19:20,026 I would not have been able to perform without it. 518 00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:22,245 I even threw in some tongue exercises 519 00:19:22,289 --> 00:19:23,920 because my "Shrew" was taking forever. 520 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:26,233 Oh, God. 521 00:19:26,263 --> 00:19:29,339 - Dad, what are you hiding from? - You'll know after I tell you 522 00:19:29,383 --> 00:19:30,993 what I said to that woman from the club. 523 00:19:31,765 --> 00:19:33,213 What is she doing here? 524 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,563 - She's trying to get you out of those clothes. - You know? 525 00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:37,347 Yes! We talked about it at yoga. 526 00:19:37,391 --> 00:19:38,653 It was Gloria's idea. 527 00:19:38,696 --> 00:19:40,481 I just came along to grease the wheels. 528 00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:42,396 What? I was almost considering it 529 00:19:42,439 --> 00:19:43,614 until you added that part. 530 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,565 I gotta splash water on my face. 531 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,229 This place is dead. Want to bounce? 532 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,360 No, we don't have to be around 533 00:19:50,404 --> 00:19:52,058 a big group of people to have fun. 534 00:19:53,655 --> 00:19:55,061 Luke, no! 535 00:19:55,104 --> 00:19:56,888 She has a boyfriend. 536 00:19:56,932 --> 00:19:58,368 Yeah, me. 537 00:19:58,412 --> 00:20:01,067 No, it's some young guy from the club... 538 00:20:01,110 --> 00:20:02,251 Oh, boy. 539 00:20:03,852 --> 00:20:06,246 Gloria, do you know 540 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:08,161 what's going on with Manny? 541 00:20:08,204 --> 00:20:11,251 Uh, do you think that he can keep that a secret? 542 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:14,471 They have to wear all kind of weird outfits 543 00:20:14,515 --> 00:20:15,966 every time they do it. 544 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,084 Hey, Ma. 545 00:20:19,215 --> 00:20:21,913 Luke... Luke, get your hands off Manny's girlfriend. 546 00:20:21,957 --> 00:20:23,654 - That's not my girlfriend. - What? 547 00:20:23,698 --> 00:20:25,613 Then what were we just talking about? 548 00:20:25,656 --> 00:20:27,702 The Elizabethan Society. M-My first meeting's tonight. 549 00:20:27,745 --> 00:20:30,009 - I'm so confused. - It's plain as day. 550 00:20:31,140 --> 00:20:33,708 This woman is here to swing with me. 551 00:20:33,751 --> 00:20:35,840 That's it. That's where I draw the line. 552 00:20:35,884 --> 00:20:37,407 How did this happen? 553 00:20:37,451 --> 00:20:38,887 I'll tell you how this happened. 554 00:20:38,930 --> 00:20:41,107 Because nobody was willing to say 555 00:20:41,150 --> 00:20:43,457 what needs to be said. 556 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,720 No. No. No. 557 00:20:45,763 --> 00:20:47,113 And hell no. 558 00:20:53,482 --> 00:20:55,528 It's how you feel about the B-minus, Denise, 559 00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,713 not how your mother and I feel about it. 560 00:20:57,748 --> 00:21:00,343 No, I'm not saying no to the Amsterdam trip. 561 00:21:00,386 --> 00:21:02,301 Yeah, it sounds like a fun summer, 562 00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,348 but how is that gonna look on a college application? 563 00:21:06,429 --> 00:21:07,959 We'll talk about it later. 564 00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:10,875 Of course I'm proud of you. 565 00:21:11,088 --> 00:21:12,094 Hey, Mom. 566 00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:13,530 Hey, Luke. Honey, would you mind getting me 567 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:15,010 that salad bowl off the top shelf? 568 00:21:15,053 --> 00:21:16,228 Yep. 569 00:21:16,498 --> 00:21:17,969 I know I'm the only one, 570 00:21:18,013 --> 00:21:20,102 but it is my favorite. 571 00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,017 Don't apologize, Mom. You know what you like. 572 00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:24,367 Never mind. I'm good. 573 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,696 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com