1 00:00:05,121 --> 00:00:07,087 Mnh! How can my babies be early? 2 00:00:07,189 --> 00:00:09,256 I've never been early to anything! 3 00:00:09,358 --> 00:00:10,724 Maybe they're not mine! 4 00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,459 I've always been faithful to you! 5 00:00:14,141 --> 00:00:15,562 Push, damn it! 6 00:00:15,631 --> 00:00:17,030 I'm not losing another baby today. 7 00:00:18,548 --> 00:00:20,367 Cardiac arrest. Crash cart! 8 00:00:20,436 --> 00:00:21,535 The shock could kill the baby! 9 00:00:22,872 --> 00:00:24,304 That's something I'll just have to live with. 10 00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:27,341 - Maybe we could turn off the TV? - Clear! 11 00:00:27,343 --> 00:00:30,043 Well, folks, I'm afraid I have some bad news. 12 00:00:30,146 --> 00:00:32,546 - Oh, my God, no. - N-No, not that bad. 13 00:00:32,648 --> 00:00:34,047 I'm sorry. I did not think that through. 14 00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:35,983 No, you're not giving birth today. 15 00:00:36,051 --> 00:00:39,052 You've had false contractions, known as Braxton Hicks. It's very common. 16 00:00:39,155 --> 00:00:40,888 Uh, so what does that mean timing-wise? 17 00:00:40,990 --> 00:00:43,290 It's no indication. It could be five weeks from now, 18 00:00:43,392 --> 00:00:45,192 could be five hours from now. 19 00:00:45,294 --> 00:00:46,827 I suggest you and your husband go home, 20 00:00:46,929 --> 00:00:48,362 get some sleep while you still can. 21 00:00:48,431 --> 00:00:50,664 Oh, we're not married. We're just lovers. 22 00:00:50,766 --> 00:00:51,899 Ugh! Yuck. 23 00:00:52,001 --> 00:00:53,267 She hates that word. 24 00:00:53,369 --> 00:00:54,568 Grosses me out, too, 25 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:56,670 and I spend a lot of my time covered in afterbirth. 26 00:01:00,409 --> 00:01:02,075 Everything okay? 27 00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:04,044 Um... that was weird. 28 00:01:04,146 --> 00:01:06,779 Those little people with the full-size baby? 29 00:01:06,878 --> 00:01:09,283 No, when the doctor called you my husband. 30 00:01:09,954 --> 00:01:11,452 Well, people are gonna assume... 31 00:01:11,554 --> 00:01:14,421 No, it... it was weird because I... 32 00:01:14,523 --> 00:01:15,689 liked it. 33 00:01:15,758 --> 00:01:18,025 Seriously? Because I proposed, like, six times. 34 00:01:18,127 --> 00:01:19,159 I know. I just... 35 00:01:19,228 --> 00:01:20,994 It seemed so old-fashioned at the time, 36 00:01:21,096 --> 00:01:23,831 but when I thought that the babies were coming, 37 00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:25,666 I-I... 38 00:01:25,734 --> 00:01:27,301 Are you saying what I think you're saying? 39 00:01:31,507 --> 00:01:32,906 I'm gonna need a little help here. 40 00:01:33,008 --> 00:01:34,041 Okay. 41 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:35,838 Okay, we're good. 42 00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:39,913 Dylan Stardust Marshall, will you... 43 00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:42,049 Oh! Going over. Okay. Okay. 44 00:01:42,151 --> 00:01:43,517 I'm fine. I'm fine. It's okay. 45 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,752 Will you marry me? 46 00:01:46,283 --> 00:01:49,389 Oh, my God. This is exactly how I imagined it. 47 00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:03,830 I can't get in! 48 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,382 Damn it, Cam! We need those tickets! 49 00:02:05,408 --> 00:02:06,773 - Come on, refresh. - I am! 50 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,709 - Refresh like your life depends on it! - I am! 51 00:02:08,811 --> 00:02:10,477 Tonight is the L.A. premiere 52 00:02:10,546 --> 00:02:12,980 of "Sophie's Choice: The Musical." 53 00:02:13,082 --> 00:02:14,581 And it sold out in seconds, 54 00:02:14,683 --> 00:02:17,184 but the theater reserved a few amazing house seats 55 00:02:17,286 --> 00:02:18,352 for an online lottery. 56 00:02:18,454 --> 00:02:19,553 And there's a rumor 57 00:02:19,655 --> 00:02:21,755 Meryl Streep is going to be in the audience. 58 00:02:21,857 --> 00:02:24,391 - Oh, my God. - You have to feel for that poor actress playing Sophie. 59 00:02:24,493 --> 00:02:27,094 It'd be like me sewing costumes in front of Bob Mackie. 60 00:02:27,196 --> 00:02:30,664 And the award for the gayest thing ever said goes to... 61 00:02:30,666 --> 00:02:31,765 - I'm in! - You are? 62 00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:33,767 - We have seats! - Oh, my God! Oh, oh! 63 00:02:33,869 --> 00:02:35,002 - Focus, focus. - Okay, all right. 64 00:02:35,104 --> 00:02:36,637 Okay, it's one of those ticking clock things. 65 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:39,039 That's fine. We just need my... credit card. 66 00:02:39,141 --> 00:02:40,307 Where's my wallet? Where... Where's my wall... 67 00:02:40,409 --> 00:02:42,009 - Where's my wallet? - Seriously? Again? 68 00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:43,610 Cam, you have to leave it in one place! 69 00:02:43,712 --> 00:02:44,745 I told you a thousand times! 70 00:02:44,847 --> 00:02:45,946 Really? Now? 71 00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,214 Okay, just use your credit card. 72 00:02:48,317 --> 00:02:49,416 That's weird. 73 00:02:49,418 --> 00:02:51,385 Okay. I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick! 74 00:02:51,487 --> 00:02:53,687 - Here... use mine. - Oh! Thank you, sweetie. 75 00:02:53,789 --> 00:02:55,122 - Okay. - Okay. All right. 76 00:02:57,431 --> 00:02:59,293 - Is this a sign? - Yes! We are meant to see the show! 77 00:02:59,395 --> 00:03:00,761 No, it's one of those CAPTCHA things. 78 00:03:00,863 --> 00:03:01,962 Is that a road sign? 79 00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:03,096 - Yes! - I don't know. 80 00:03:03,198 --> 00:03:04,264 Yes. 81 00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:06,800 Oh! Ohh! Aah! Oh, my God! 82 00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:09,102 Oh, thank you, sweetie. You saved us. 83 00:03:09,171 --> 00:03:11,471 - It's fine. I needed the miles. - Thank you. 84 00:03:12,497 --> 00:03:13,240 Where's she off to? 85 00:03:13,242 --> 00:03:14,675 - I'm sure it's fine. - Okay. 86 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,378 How about this one? 87 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,746 You look gorgeous. 88 00:03:19,848 --> 00:03:20,981 Now, remember... 89 00:03:21,050 --> 00:03:22,249 Okay, this is not my first time 90 00:03:22,351 --> 00:03:23,984 impressing your business associates. 91 00:03:24,086 --> 00:03:25,185 I know the drill. 92 00:03:25,187 --> 00:03:27,487 Laugh at their jokes, touch their arms... 93 00:03:27,590 --> 00:03:28,622 Yeah, and if he pees on the floor, 94 00:03:28,724 --> 00:03:29,823 don't make a big deal out of it. 95 00:03:29,925 --> 00:03:31,258 What is happening? 96 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,693 I quit the closet game 97 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:36,296 to become the king of high-end, whimsical dog beds. 98 00:03:36,365 --> 00:03:38,565 And to market them today, I'm hosting 99 00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:41,401 social-media influencer Arthur Goodboy. 100 00:03:41,503 --> 00:03:42,603 This little stud 101 00:03:42,705 --> 00:03:45,772 has over 5 million followers on the Instagram. 102 00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:48,976 One photo of him with a product can be a game-changer. 103 00:03:49,078 --> 00:03:52,079 You made me change three times for a dog? 104 00:03:52,147 --> 00:03:53,614 He cannot even see this color! 105 00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:54,848 They can sense the effort! 106 00:03:58,754 --> 00:04:01,021 Welcome! Welcome. I'm Jay Pritchett. 107 00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:03,190 - Hello. - This is my wife, Gloria. 108 00:04:03,956 --> 00:04:05,759 Hello. Orson Funt. 109 00:04:05,861 --> 00:04:07,694 I'm sure everyone knows Arthur Goodboy. 110 00:04:07,763 --> 00:04:10,797 Who doesn't? And I must admit, I'm a little starstruck. 111 00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:12,065 Don't be. 112 00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,600 He puts on his sweaters one leg at a time. 113 00:04:15,704 --> 00:04:17,804 And this is Stella of Dog Beds by Stella, 114 00:04:17,906 --> 00:04:19,740 but I do most of the design. 115 00:04:20,943 --> 00:04:23,777 Well. She is beautiful for a non-pro. May I? 116 00:04:23,879 --> 00:04:25,145 - Here you go. - Yes. 117 00:04:25,147 --> 00:04:26,246 - May I? - Oh, yeah. 118 00:04:26,248 --> 00:04:27,748 Thank you. Oh, yes. 119 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,616 Present! Present. 120 00:04:29,685 --> 00:04:32,252 Who's a lovely lady? Who's a lovely lady? 121 00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:34,287 Who's an elegant boy? Who's an influencer? 122 00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:35,922 Ooh, you are! You are! 123 00:04:35,991 --> 00:04:37,858 Who's an influencer? You are! 124 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,470 You want to see the dog beds? 125 00:04:40,670 --> 00:04:41,795 - Yes. - Follow me. 126 00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:44,097 He's a good father. 127 00:04:44,199 --> 00:04:45,532 He's a good father. 128 00:04:51,505 --> 00:04:53,073 Sir... 129 00:04:53,142 --> 00:04:54,794 a dog in a pineapple? 130 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:58,454 - Love! - I call that one "Puppy Colada." 131 00:04:58,654 --> 00:04:59,813 - Stop! - Yes, stop. 132 00:05:00,849 --> 00:05:02,883 So, what do you say? Are we in business? 133 00:05:02,985 --> 00:05:05,152 Oh! Oh, down boy. 134 00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:06,787 I like to make sure that Arthur Goodboy 135 00:05:06,855 --> 00:05:09,289 really loves the product before we do any endorsements. 136 00:05:09,358 --> 00:05:10,524 If we said yes to everything, 137 00:05:10,592 --> 00:05:12,192 then we're no better than that whore Grumpy Cat. 138 00:05:12,261 --> 00:05:13,827 Here, try this one. 139 00:05:13,929 --> 00:05:15,896 Okay, Mr. Arthur Goodboy. 140 00:05:15,964 --> 00:05:17,964 Why don't you just trot yourself right in there 141 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,132 and take a load off? 142 00:05:20,557 --> 00:05:23,837 Hm. You know, he just woke up from a nap, so... 143 00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,473 he will probably tucker out in a couple of hours. 144 00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:28,608 It's cool, 'cause I have nowhere I need to be. 145 00:05:28,711 --> 00:05:29,876 You don't say. 146 00:05:29,945 --> 00:05:30,977 Oh, it's spacious. 147 00:05:33,895 --> 00:05:35,315 - Haley? - Over here! 148 00:05:36,452 --> 00:05:38,418 - Mom's not with you, right? - No. 149 00:05:38,487 --> 00:05:39,386 What's going on? 150 00:05:39,455 --> 00:05:41,722 What could you have possibly done that's worse than getting pregnant? 151 00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:43,523 Well, Dylan and I are eloping, 152 00:05:43,592 --> 00:05:45,292 and we want you to be the witness. 153 00:05:46,105 --> 00:05:47,394 Oh, my God! Yes! 154 00:05:47,496 --> 00:05:50,130 Oh, I can't even tell you how special this makes me feel. 155 00:05:50,232 --> 00:05:51,798 I will not tell anyone. I... 156 00:05:51,867 --> 00:05:53,767 Wait. Why eloping? Why not a wedding? 157 00:05:53,943 --> 00:05:56,603 - We just want it to be simple and quick. - And no drama. 158 00:05:56,672 --> 00:05:58,271 - Guess that eliminates Mom. - Yeah. 159 00:05:58,340 --> 00:05:59,673 What eliminates Mom? 160 00:05:59,742 --> 00:06:01,174 Oh, um... 161 00:06:01,276 --> 00:06:03,510 You know, uh... You know, it... it's so funny when... 162 00:06:03,612 --> 00:06:05,679 when people do such, um, funny... 163 00:06:05,748 --> 00:06:07,781 You know, the story is so short, 164 00:06:07,850 --> 00:06:09,082 - but it... it... it would be so long... - Enough, enough. 165 00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:10,383 I cannot watch this. 166 00:06:10,452 --> 00:06:12,519 Aw. I felt like she was building to something. 167 00:06:12,554 --> 00:06:16,590 Dylan and I are going to the courthouse to get married. 168 00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:20,427 - Wow. - It's nothing personal, you know? 169 00:06:20,529 --> 00:06:22,729 It's just... right now, the last thing we want 170 00:06:22,831 --> 00:06:24,765 is it to turn into a big production. 171 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,634 Well, honey, if that's what you want, 172 00:06:27,736 --> 00:06:30,604 as your mother, obviously, it's incredibly painful, 173 00:06:30,706 --> 00:06:32,839 but that... that's none of your concern. 174 00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:35,509 I just hope you have a wedding that's every bit 175 00:06:35,611 --> 00:06:38,645 as wonderful and beautiful as I always imagined. 176 00:06:38,747 --> 00:06:41,448 You know... when I was gonna be part of it. 177 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:44,017 I knew she'd be cool. 178 00:06:44,119 --> 00:06:45,151 - Yeah! - Let's roll. 179 00:06:45,810 --> 00:06:46,920 Mom seemed pretty bummed about it, 180 00:06:47,022 --> 00:06:48,288 but, you know, this is what we want. 181 00:06:48,357 --> 00:06:49,389 Totally! 182 00:06:50,359 --> 00:06:51,525 Damn it! 183 00:06:53,328 --> 00:06:56,429 How could you do this to your mother? 184 00:06:57,995 --> 00:06:59,815 Ugh. What's taking them so long? 185 00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:02,418 I know. It's, like, this wedding isn't about them. 186 00:07:02,486 --> 00:07:03,952 It's about you and Dylan and me! 187 00:07:04,054 --> 00:07:05,087 Coming! 188 00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:06,161 So sorry. 189 00:07:06,424 --> 00:07:07,589 And don't worry, Haley. 190 00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:11,460 I promise you will hardly know we are there at all. 191 00:07:11,495 --> 00:07:12,761 What? You're dressed nicer than me. 192 00:07:12,830 --> 00:07:14,396 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but are you sure 193 00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:15,998 that's the outfit you want for your special day? 194 00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:18,500 It's Haley's wedding. She can dress as bad as she wants. 195 00:07:18,602 --> 00:07:20,536 - Right. - Who died? 196 00:07:20,638 --> 00:07:22,137 Haley and Dylan are getting married. 197 00:07:22,239 --> 00:07:23,372 Dressed like that? 198 00:07:23,407 --> 00:07:24,840 Now I have to invite Luke? 199 00:07:24,909 --> 00:07:26,141 Not if you don't want to. 200 00:07:26,243 --> 00:07:27,376 This feels great. 201 00:07:27,445 --> 00:07:30,012 Okay, that is it. Luke, but no one else. 202 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,181 Hey, so, my mom found out your parents are coming, 203 00:07:32,249 --> 00:07:34,082 'cause I told her, and now she's on her way. 204 00:07:34,185 --> 00:07:35,517 And Grandpa's coming. 205 00:07:35,586 --> 00:07:36,852 You guys are gonna love him. 206 00:07:36,921 --> 00:07:38,836 Oh, but if he asks you to kill him, don't. 207 00:07:38,871 --> 00:07:40,422 - Ugh! - I know what you're thinking. 208 00:07:40,491 --> 00:07:41,723 That is a lot of people 209 00:07:41,826 --> 00:07:43,992 for a small, impersonal room at the courthouse, 210 00:07:44,094 --> 00:07:46,728 and we are on the same page. 211 00:07:46,797 --> 00:07:48,764 So... why don't we just do it here? 212 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,467 I'm ordained. I can perform the ceremony. 213 00:07:51,535 --> 00:07:53,101 That is such a great idea! 214 00:07:53,204 --> 00:07:55,037 That way, it's easy and intimate. 215 00:07:55,105 --> 00:07:56,371 I mean, that's what you wanted, right? 216 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,173 So, go down to the courthouse, 217 00:07:58,242 --> 00:08:00,375 get your marriage license, come back here, 218 00:08:00,444 --> 00:08:02,144 and we'll all be waiting. 219 00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:03,879 Fine. But let's go now. 220 00:08:03,948 --> 00:08:05,481 I'm starving, and they make a great soft pretzel 221 00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:06,682 at the courthouse snack shop. 222 00:08:06,684 --> 00:08:07,749 How do you know that? 223 00:08:07,852 --> 00:08:09,218 I can still elope. 224 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,385 Don't you ruin this for me. 225 00:08:10,387 --> 00:08:12,287 It's fine. It's fine. 226 00:08:13,991 --> 00:08:15,041 Wait. 227 00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:16,525 If Dylan's bringing his grandfather, 228 00:08:16,594 --> 00:08:18,494 that means we have to invite Dad and Gloria, right? 229 00:08:18,562 --> 00:08:19,795 I think so, yeah. 230 00:08:19,864 --> 00:08:21,563 But he probably won't show. Jay hates last-minute plans. 231 00:08:21,599 --> 00:08:23,599 He'll be like, "Oh, geez, why don't they just elope?" 232 00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:25,634 - Hm. - Grandpa? 233 00:08:27,905 --> 00:08:29,972 Who's a goody-woody boy? 234 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,807 Who's a sleepy boy? 235 00:08:31,909 --> 00:08:33,242 I never thought I'd say this, 236 00:08:33,344 --> 00:08:35,811 but I miss Jay's toxic masculinity. 237 00:08:35,913 --> 00:08:37,679 At least he's not your real father. 238 00:08:38,816 --> 00:08:40,983 - I'll get it! I got it! - I'll get it! 239 00:08:42,052 --> 00:08:43,318 - Hello? - Hey, Gloria. 240 00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:46,388 Haley and Dylan decided to get married this afternoon, 241 00:08:46,457 --> 00:08:48,590 and I know Dad's got that dog-bed thing, 242 00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:50,759 so absolutely no pressure. 243 00:08:50,828 --> 00:08:52,995 Yes. We will be there as soon as we can. 244 00:08:53,581 --> 00:08:55,764 Jay, I am so sorry to break up 245 00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:58,333 this really fun and super normal party, 246 00:08:58,402 --> 00:09:01,637 but Dylan and Haley decided to get married right now, 247 00:09:01,705 --> 00:09:03,505 and Claire wants us there. 248 00:09:03,607 --> 00:09:05,274 Oh, geez, why don't they just elope? 249 00:09:05,342 --> 00:09:08,644 Actually, Arthur Goodboy loves weddings, 250 00:09:08,712 --> 00:09:10,946 and his followers have been dying to see him in his new tux. 251 00:09:11,015 --> 00:09:13,181 I-I can bring a bed in case he gets tired. 252 00:09:13,284 --> 00:09:14,361 Ooh! 253 00:09:15,653 --> 00:09:17,853 Ooh, look. Somebody's got a crush. 254 00:09:17,922 --> 00:09:19,922 Would Miss Stella do us the honor 255 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,990 of escorting Arthur Goodboy to the wedding? 256 00:09:22,092 --> 00:09:24,793 Gosh, yes! A thousand times yes! 257 00:09:28,332 --> 00:09:30,566 Well. You're not gonna believe this. They're coming. 258 00:09:30,668 --> 00:09:31,800 Well, if they're coming, does that mean 259 00:09:31,902 --> 00:09:33,001 we need to invite Mitch and Cam? 260 00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:35,270 Ooh. Imagine the drama if we didn't. 261 00:09:46,650 --> 00:09:48,669 This is why I can't have friends over. 262 00:09:48,869 --> 00:09:50,018 - Okay. - Somebody just snarked her way 263 00:09:50,087 --> 00:09:52,154 - out of a "Sophie's Choice" hoodie! - That's right. 264 00:09:53,838 --> 00:09:54,990 Hey, Claire. What's up? 265 00:09:55,059 --> 00:09:57,492 So, Haley and Dylan decided to get married, 266 00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:59,161 and they'd be devastated if you weren't there. 267 00:09:59,229 --> 00:10:01,096 Oh, of course! We wouldn't miss it for the world! 268 00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:03,565 - Just tell us when. - In about an hour. 269 00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:05,400 Oh, my... Um... Hey, uh, let... 270 00:10:05,469 --> 00:10:06,963 let me call you right back, okay? 271 00:10:07,271 --> 00:10:08,370 Are you kidding me? 272 00:10:08,405 --> 00:10:10,105 I know! What do we do... a musical or the wedding? 273 00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:12,941 It's the cruelest decision anyone's ever been forced to make. 274 00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:17,512 Hello? We are here! 275 00:10:17,615 --> 00:10:18,780 Hi. 276 00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:19,982 Hi! Wow! 277 00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:21,383 What is all this? 278 00:10:21,485 --> 00:10:22,517 Hey, Claire. 279 00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:23,785 This is Orson 280 00:10:23,854 --> 00:10:26,021 and, of course, Arthur Goodboy. 281 00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:27,823 Thanks for having us. We love love. 282 00:10:27,825 --> 00:10:28,857 Mm-hmm. 283 00:10:28,926 --> 00:10:30,359 Dad, can you come over here a second? 284 00:10:30,461 --> 00:10:31,793 Um... Hey, Stella. 285 00:10:31,862 --> 00:10:33,729 So, listen, I don't think Haley 286 00:10:33,831 --> 00:10:36,365 wants to come back to a house full of strangers and dogs. 287 00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:37,532 Claire, I've got to have this, 288 00:10:37,635 --> 00:10:39,101 and she's never gonna know they're even here. 289 00:10:41,171 --> 00:10:42,537 Okay, that's bad timing. 290 00:10:42,606 --> 00:10:44,039 Okay, okay, let's... let's go, let's go, let's go. 291 00:10:44,108 --> 00:10:45,207 - Let's go. - Let's get it going. 292 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,209 What's your hurry? I thought you... 293 00:10:47,277 --> 00:10:48,377 guys love weddings. 294 00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,178 You were gonna say "you people," weren't you? 295 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,280 - Prove it. - We have theater tickets, 296 00:10:52,383 --> 00:10:53,515 and if we get this wedding started, 297 00:10:53,617 --> 00:10:54,950 we can still make curtain for "Sophie's Choice." 298 00:10:55,406 --> 00:10:56,852 I would murder my entire family 299 00:10:56,954 --> 00:10:58,420 and all of their friends to see that musical. 300 00:10:58,522 --> 00:10:59,821 This guy gets it. 301 00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:02,190 Hey-oh! Look who's here! 302 00:11:02,292 --> 00:11:04,593 Don't worry. I'm wearing pants. 303 00:11:04,662 --> 00:11:06,194 As far as you know. 304 00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,863 Oh, well, hello, Frank. 305 00:11:07,965 --> 00:11:10,232 And thank you for... sort of making it. 306 00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,467 - Really? - Well, you invited your dad. 307 00:11:12,536 --> 00:11:14,169 - What was I supposed to do? - I don't know. 308 00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,004 Hey! Is that Arthur Goodboy? 309 00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:17,205 Big fan! 310 00:11:17,274 --> 00:11:18,974 Been waiting to see him in his tux. 311 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,308 - Hi Fred. - Farrah. 312 00:11:20,411 --> 00:11:22,277 - Phil. - It is so delightful to see... 313 00:11:22,312 --> 00:11:23,545 Mm. Okay. 314 00:11:25,115 --> 00:11:26,715 Oh. Gosh. 315 00:11:26,784 --> 00:11:28,283 Can you believe our babies are getting married? 316 00:11:28,385 --> 00:11:31,787 I can. I saw it in a vision at a campfire in Peru. 317 00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,455 This is my father, Bert. 318 00:11:33,524 --> 00:11:34,790 Oh, it's such an honor to... 319 00:11:34,858 --> 00:11:36,525 - Vodka! - Oh. 320 00:11:38,195 --> 00:11:39,294 What a lovely dress. 321 00:11:39,363 --> 00:11:41,063 It's actually a shamanic wedding robe 322 00:11:41,165 --> 00:11:42,230 from South America. 323 00:11:42,299 --> 00:11:44,599 I wear it at every ceremony I officiate. 324 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:45,967 Ohhh. This is awkward. 325 00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:47,168 Um... 326 00:11:47,618 --> 00:11:48,837 I'm doing the ceremony. 327 00:11:48,939 --> 00:11:51,873 But this is something I've dreamed about all of my lives. 328 00:11:51,975 --> 00:11:53,742 Mom, what the hell is going on? 329 00:11:53,844 --> 00:11:55,077 Hey! 330 00:11:57,114 --> 00:11:58,714 Oh, honey, honey, it's not as bad as it looks. 331 00:11:58,816 --> 00:12:01,149 See, it's still small and simple and... 332 00:12:02,553 --> 00:12:03,652 Not helping. 333 00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:06,054 What? We were gonna play her down the aisle. 334 00:12:06,123 --> 00:12:08,457 Yeah. Bad luck to get married without bagpipes. 335 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,826 My mom's first wedding... no bagpipes. 336 00:12:10,928 --> 00:12:13,628 My mom's second wedding... bagpipes. 337 00:12:13,697 --> 00:12:16,031 Six months later, she's still married. 338 00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:17,599 I mean, that's just science. 339 00:12:17,801 --> 00:12:18,900 Now what? 340 00:12:19,002 --> 00:12:20,569 Oh, well, we needed food, so... 341 00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,070 Hola, lovebirds. 342 00:12:22,172 --> 00:12:23,505 Oh, this is a disaster. 343 00:12:23,607 --> 00:12:26,742 I know, but we can't pick our childhood homes. 344 00:12:26,844 --> 00:12:28,510 Don't worry. I can fix everything. 345 00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:30,345 Just take your time changing your clothes. 346 00:12:30,347 --> 00:12:31,446 Oh, this is what I'm wearing. 347 00:12:31,776 --> 00:12:33,048 You're hilarious. 348 00:12:34,051 --> 00:12:37,052 Let me see the happy couple. 349 00:12:37,154 --> 00:12:38,920 Congratulations, Haley. 350 00:12:39,022 --> 00:12:41,123 Congratulations, Andy. 351 00:12:46,604 --> 00:12:48,496 Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through. 352 00:12:48,565 --> 00:12:51,265 - Sorry. - Honey, I know you're a little annoyed. 353 00:12:51,301 --> 00:12:52,834 Oh, I'm so sorry I gave you that impression. 354 00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,135 I'm a lot annoyed. 355 00:12:54,237 --> 00:12:55,470 But it's better. 356 00:12:55,505 --> 00:12:58,606 This way, you'll be surrounded by people who love you. 357 00:12:58,708 --> 00:12:59,740 That's her. 358 00:12:59,809 --> 00:13:03,845 - Congratulations! I am so happy for you. - Luke? 359 00:13:03,947 --> 00:13:05,880 - Uh, this is Annabelle. - We just met on Tinder. 360 00:13:05,949 --> 00:13:07,348 But we haven't done anything yet. 361 00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:10,318 Guess what, babies. You're gonna taste some wine today! 362 00:13:10,386 --> 00:13:11,452 Hey, hey, hey. 363 00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:12,620 So, if we're gonna get this thing started, 364 00:13:12,689 --> 00:13:13,888 maybe you should go up and change, huh? 365 00:13:13,957 --> 00:13:15,056 Oh, for the last time, this is what I'm... 366 00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:16,324 Screw it. I'm changing. 367 00:13:16,392 --> 00:13:17,658 - No, don't... I'm... - No, don't change, if that's... 368 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,594 - Damn it! What... - Sorry. I'm sorry. 369 00:13:19,696 --> 00:13:20,995 Gloria, Gloria. 370 00:13:21,064 --> 00:13:22,130 Do me a favor. 371 00:13:22,198 --> 00:13:24,031 Put some salami in my TV. 372 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,134 Whatever that is a code for, the answer is no. 373 00:13:26,202 --> 00:13:27,635 Okay, fine. I'll do it myself. 374 00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:30,071 Keep Orson occupied for about a minute. 375 00:13:30,106 --> 00:13:31,239 Arthur Goodboy, come. 376 00:13:31,407 --> 00:13:33,074 Arthur Goodboy, come. 377 00:13:33,176 --> 00:13:34,609 Mr. Orson. 378 00:13:34,677 --> 00:13:39,046 Um, I need to know... is your whole life your dog? 379 00:13:39,115 --> 00:13:41,716 Oh, no. I also dabble in stand-up comedy. 380 00:13:41,751 --> 00:13:44,218 In fact, I used to try out all of my material on Arthur Goodboy 381 00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:46,287 until I got in trouble with PETA for animal testing. 382 00:13:48,158 --> 00:13:50,258 - Ay! - Speaking of, where is Arthur? 383 00:13:50,326 --> 00:13:52,593 - I'm sure he's fine. - Arthur? Arthur? 384 00:13:52,662 --> 00:13:55,830 He's in the family room, wolfing down some cold cuts. 385 00:13:55,932 --> 00:13:57,598 No, no, no. He can't digest that. 386 00:13:57,634 --> 00:13:58,966 And that tuxedo is rented. 387 00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,302 No, please! Wait! 388 00:14:03,106 --> 00:14:05,139 - Aah! Stop! - Stop? What, no! 389 00:14:05,241 --> 00:14:07,508 He's enjoying the bed. No, he loves it in there. 390 00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:08,809 Don't. 391 00:14:08,912 --> 00:14:10,244 The robot told me everything. 392 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,946 - Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought once he got... - Stop! Unh! 393 00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:13,481 I will stay for the wedding 394 00:14:13,516 --> 00:14:15,850 so as not to ruin Halsey and Derek's special day, 395 00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:17,985 but this partnership is off. 396 00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:21,322 What am I doing? 397 00:14:21,391 --> 00:14:22,924 Making a fool of yourself... 398 00:14:23,026 --> 00:14:25,393 what you have done the whole day. 399 00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:27,161 Yeah. I'm acting like an idiot. 400 00:14:27,263 --> 00:14:28,896 I mean, this was a stupid idea, 401 00:14:28,932 --> 00:14:31,132 trying to launch a whole new business at my age. 402 00:14:31,234 --> 00:14:32,533 I thought it would be fun, 403 00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:35,536 but I should've known I-I need to hang it up. 404 00:14:35,638 --> 00:14:37,305 I need a second. 405 00:14:38,308 --> 00:14:40,641 Dog beds are ridiculous and sad. 406 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:42,443 But they're important to Jay. 407 00:14:42,512 --> 00:14:45,279 So I guess that loving someone means that you have to respect 408 00:14:45,381 --> 00:14:48,249 their idiotic, nauseating dreams. 409 00:14:48,318 --> 00:14:49,917 Hey, old-timer. 410 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,285 I dig those wheels. 411 00:14:51,354 --> 00:14:54,555 Why is this vacuum cleaner talking to me? 412 00:14:54,657 --> 00:14:56,224 Okay, we are definitely cutting it close, 413 00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:57,358 but I think we're gonna make it. 414 00:14:57,427 --> 00:14:59,327 You know, it's just that, uh, traditionally, 415 00:14:59,362 --> 00:15:01,262 the father of the bride calls the shots at these things. 416 00:15:01,570 --> 00:15:02,697 Oh, my goddess, Phil. 417 00:15:02,732 --> 00:15:05,399 By all means, let's return to traditional weddings. 418 00:15:05,435 --> 00:15:08,035 Perhaps you'd like to discuss the matter of Haley's dowry. 419 00:15:08,071 --> 00:15:10,271 Are you prepared to offer livestock or land? 420 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:11,639 Farrah, I would defer to you 421 00:15:11,708 --> 00:15:13,274 if this were happening in your yurt. 422 00:15:13,343 --> 00:15:14,375 Fine. 423 00:15:14,444 --> 00:15:16,377 We'll settle this over a game of acorns. 424 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,680 Put out your hands. 425 00:15:19,782 --> 00:15:21,616 Acorns, speak. 426 00:15:22,719 --> 00:15:24,842 Oh. Sorry, Phil. 427 00:15:24,877 --> 00:15:26,153 Best of 3. What am I doing? 428 00:15:26,222 --> 00:15:27,955 Okay, both of you, stop! 429 00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,457 You can both officiate, all right? 430 00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:31,225 Yeah, but won't that take twice as long? 431 00:15:31,294 --> 00:15:33,527 Uh, whoever's officiating, if you can carve out some time 432 00:15:33,563 --> 00:15:34,629 for a poem I've written. 433 00:15:34,697 --> 00:15:36,631 It's sort of a "Beowulf" meets "You've Got Mail." 434 00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:37,665 - Oh, God, no! No poems! - No! 435 00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:39,000 - Nobody wants a poem! - No one wants that! 436 00:15:39,102 --> 00:15:40,901 - Come on! Let's move this thing along! - Get it going! 437 00:15:40,937 --> 00:15:42,570 You need to give your "Sophie's Choice" ticket 438 00:15:42,672 --> 00:15:44,038 to the dog weirdo. 439 00:15:44,107 --> 00:15:45,740 My dad wants to see a musical? 440 00:15:45,808 --> 00:15:47,408 No, the other dog weirdo. 441 00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:50,111 Didn't you see how excited he got when he heard about it? 442 00:15:50,146 --> 00:15:51,846 Yeah, well, that's not happening. No, thank you. 443 00:15:51,914 --> 00:15:53,748 Think about all the sacrifices 444 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:55,850 that your father has made for you. 445 00:15:55,952 --> 00:15:58,486 - Oh, I just don't care. - You're not gonna make it anyways. 446 00:15:58,554 --> 00:16:00,655 Y-Yes, we are, 'cause the wedding's about to start. 447 00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:02,356 - Here they come. - Is it? 448 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:03,658 Excuse me. 449 00:16:03,726 --> 00:16:06,661 Um, before we start this beautiful ceremony, 450 00:16:06,729 --> 00:16:09,030 why don't we go around the room 451 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,866 and talk about what this wedding means to us? 452 00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:13,601 Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to be put on the spot. 453 00:16:13,670 --> 00:16:14,869 Let's just get on with the wedding. 454 00:16:14,904 --> 00:16:17,838 To me, a marriage is not just the joining of two hearts. 455 00:16:17,907 --> 00:16:19,874 It's the melding of families. 456 00:16:19,942 --> 00:16:21,175 And can I just say this... 457 00:16:21,244 --> 00:16:22,610 - No! Sit down! - No! Sit down! 458 00:16:25,515 --> 00:16:26,547 Hey. 459 00:16:27,817 --> 00:16:29,617 Go on, go on. There you go. 460 00:16:29,686 --> 00:16:31,919 Are those... packing peanuts? 461 00:16:32,021 --> 00:16:33,721 I had 10 minutes and no budget. 462 00:16:33,790 --> 00:16:35,556 - This is happening. - Yep. 463 00:16:36,102 --> 00:16:37,958 What's this dog doing to Stella? 464 00:16:38,027 --> 00:16:39,527 Bad dog! No humping! 465 00:16:39,629 --> 00:16:40,828 Don't shame him! That's her fault. 466 00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:42,196 She's wagging her hips in his face! 467 00:16:42,298 --> 00:16:43,330 That's her dysplasia. 468 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:44,465 And it's 2019. 469 00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:45,800 What he did is not okay! 470 00:16:45,902 --> 00:16:48,069 Uh-oh. Am I moving? 471 00:16:48,171 --> 00:16:49,570 Something's stuck! 472 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,606 - Phil, I'm falling! - See, this... this... 473 00:16:52,675 --> 00:16:54,375 this is why I didn't want anyone here! 474 00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:56,277 This is why I wanted to elope! 475 00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:59,213 Haley, I know you're upset, but this is your family. 476 00:16:59,315 --> 00:17:00,348 Who are you? 477 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:01,882 Okay, enough! Enough. 478 00:17:01,951 --> 00:17:03,617 Dylan, Haley, in the kitchen... now! 479 00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:06,454 - Nice shoes! - I am, uh, so sorry, folks. 480 00:17:06,522 --> 00:17:08,022 This is... This is gonna take a little while. 481 00:17:08,124 --> 00:17:10,391 Maybe Alex and Bill can play something. 482 00:17:10,460 --> 00:17:11,525 - No! No! - No! No! 483 00:17:11,594 --> 00:17:12,893 - We're not gonna make it, are we? - Okay, no. 484 00:17:12,995 --> 00:17:15,162 - We're not gonna make it! - It... It doesn't look like it. 485 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,263 Hey, um... 486 00:17:16,332 --> 00:17:18,899 Hi. My dad wanted you to have these tickets. 487 00:17:18,968 --> 00:17:21,001 Great Danes! Thank you! 488 00:17:21,070 --> 00:17:23,671 Not so fast. You still have something to do. 489 00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:26,853 Listen. Listen to me. 490 00:17:26,888 --> 00:17:27,942 I don't want to hear it, Mom. 491 00:17:28,778 --> 00:17:29,710 Run. 492 00:17:29,712 --> 00:17:31,212 - What? - Yeah. 493 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,614 We're really sorry that this all got away from us. 494 00:17:33,683 --> 00:17:36,584 But all we care about is that you're happy. 495 00:17:36,652 --> 00:17:39,487 And you should have the wedding you want. 496 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,123 Your mom's right. 497 00:17:42,781 --> 00:17:43,958 We eloped, and I still think of it 498 00:17:44,026 --> 00:17:46,427 as one of the best days of my life. 499 00:17:46,496 --> 00:17:48,329 It still seems like the last day we were alone. 500 00:17:49,087 --> 00:17:50,498 Wow. 501 00:17:50,566 --> 00:17:53,234 - That's... - Oh, honey. 502 00:17:53,302 --> 00:17:54,802 The four of you better get going, huh? 503 00:17:54,904 --> 00:17:55,936 Yeah. 504 00:17:56,038 --> 00:17:57,238 Ohh, my babies. 505 00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:59,073 - I love you, guys. - Love you, guys. 506 00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:00,975 Bye. Bye. 507 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:07,415 - You okay? - Not really, no. 508 00:18:07,483 --> 00:18:09,383 I hate that we're not gonna be there. 509 00:18:09,452 --> 00:18:12,420 I always assumed we would be at her wedding. 510 00:18:12,488 --> 00:18:13,754 Is that selfish? 511 00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:15,217 No. 512 00:18:15,858 --> 00:18:17,425 It's only fair. 513 00:18:18,528 --> 00:18:19,560 She was at ours. 514 00:18:19,562 --> 00:18:21,595 Mm. She was. 515 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,666 Look at this. 516 00:18:25,768 --> 00:18:28,636 He posted one minute ago. It's already got 5,000 likes. 517 00:18:28,704 --> 00:18:31,739 - Thank you. - I love you. 518 00:18:31,808 --> 00:18:35,409 And the only thing less sexy than a dog bed is a quitter, 519 00:18:35,478 --> 00:18:36,877 and I didn't marry a quitter. 520 00:18:36,979 --> 00:18:39,246 - I married an angel. - Yes, you did! 521 00:18:39,315 --> 00:18:41,682 Could I have everyone's attention? Um... 522 00:18:41,751 --> 00:18:43,584 I just want to say that most of you 523 00:18:43,653 --> 00:18:45,152 are very important to us. 524 00:18:45,221 --> 00:18:46,954 But the wedding's off, and thanks for coming. 525 00:18:47,056 --> 00:18:48,355 - What? - You got to be kidding me! 526 00:18:48,391 --> 00:18:50,257 This is an outrage. I will never forgive you. 527 00:18:50,326 --> 00:18:52,026 Perhaps the two of you would like to sing a song? 528 00:19:02,038 --> 00:19:03,604 Mom? Dad? 529 00:19:03,706 --> 00:19:06,407 - Oh, honey. - Hey. 530 00:19:06,476 --> 00:19:07,675 Hey. How did it go? 531 00:19:08,108 --> 00:19:11,048 Uh, we... didn't go through with it. 532 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,447 - What? - We were at this 24-hour chapel, 533 00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:15,783 and they called our names, but... 534 00:19:15,852 --> 00:19:17,885 something about it just didn't feel right. 535 00:19:18,546 --> 00:19:20,454 Sweetheart, it's okay. 536 00:19:20,556 --> 00:19:22,323 You'll know when it's the right time. 537 00:19:22,391 --> 00:19:23,457 Mm-hmm. 538 00:19:23,459 --> 00:19:25,559 That's why I'm here. 539 00:19:26,529 --> 00:19:28,496 I thought about what you said 540 00:19:28,564 --> 00:19:30,798 about how I should have the wedding that I want. 541 00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:31,966 Mm-hmm. 542 00:19:32,068 --> 00:19:35,202 Well, the wedding that I want has you guys there. 543 00:19:40,810 --> 00:19:43,644 And, like the nuptial antler, 544 00:19:43,746 --> 00:19:45,913 your bond will never be broken. 545 00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:48,983 Take us home, Phil. 546 00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:57,691 And so, by the powers vested in me by NoPainOrdain.com, 547 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,861 I pronounce you, Dylan... 548 00:20:00,963 --> 00:20:02,830 and you, Haley... 549 00:20:03,766 --> 00:20:05,833 husband... 550 00:20:07,236 --> 00:20:08,268 and wife. 551 00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:12,907 Hey! Kiss her already! 552 00:20:13,009 --> 00:20:15,009 Oh, my God. 553 00:20:18,670 --> 00:20:20,905 - You wanted to talk to me? - Yeah. Um... 554 00:20:20,938 --> 00:20:22,406 It's been bothering me the last few days 555 00:20:22,439 --> 00:20:24,241 that since they were gonna elope, Dylan never came to me 556 00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:25,476 and asked for Haley's hand in marriage. 557 00:20:25,509 --> 00:20:26,744 Yeah. 558 00:20:26,778 --> 00:20:27,812 Well, then it occurred to me that, 559 00:20:27,845 --> 00:20:29,413 since Claire and I eloped, 560 00:20:29,446 --> 00:20:33,317 I never officially asked you for her hand in marriage. 561 00:20:33,350 --> 00:20:35,319 - So, uh... - So ask me. 562 00:20:35,473 --> 00:20:36,520 Okay. 563 00:20:37,024 --> 00:20:38,122 Jay... 564 00:20:38,355 --> 00:20:40,324 I love your daughter very much, and I would like your... 565 00:20:40,357 --> 00:20:41,692 Nope. 566 00:20:43,026 --> 00:20:44,528 That's very funny. Um... 567 00:20:44,561 --> 00:20:46,830 But seriously, I would very much like your blessing... 568 00:20:46,863 --> 00:20:48,699 Sorry. I've got several concerns. 569 00:20:48,732 --> 00:20:49,733 I'm not on board. 570 00:20:49,766 --> 00:20:51,868 You realize this is just a-a formality. 571 00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,170 We've been married for almost 25 years. 572 00:20:53,204 --> 00:20:55,739 And the entire time, without my blessing. 573 00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,509 - Okay, how many dog beds is this gonna cost me? - Five. 574 00:20:58,542 --> 00:20:59,510 - Three. - Four. 575 00:20:59,543 --> 00:21:00,711 - Done. - Blessed! 576 00:21:04,225 --> 00:21:06,273 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com