1
00:00:03,858 --> 00:00:05,079
72, 72, $72!

2
00:00:05,149 --> 00:00:06,849
$72, 72 bid, 72 bid,

3
00:00:06,918 --> 00:00:08,820
- 75, 75, 75!
- Oh, boy.

4
00:00:08,889 --> 00:00:11,359
Is it already the first day of
livestock auction season again?

5
00:00:11,394 --> 00:00:12,728
It's the same day
every year, Mitchell...

6
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,332
a fortnight after the
first ripe tomato comes in.

7
00:00:14,367 --> 00:00:17,471
And seriously? This is what passes
for auction-calling these days?

8
00:00:17,506 --> 00:00:19,475
Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?

9
00:00:19,544 --> 00:00:21,346
You know, when you've been
at the top of your field...

10
00:00:21,448 --> 00:00:23,149
Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ

11
00:00:23,252 --> 00:00:24,285
three years running...

12
00:00:24,387 --> 00:00:26,256
it's hard to see anything
but the inadequacies.

13
00:00:26,358 --> 00:00:28,360
It's why Baryshnikov
couldn't watch others dance.

14
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,397
What? He was the Artistic Director of...

15
00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:32,100
How long have you lived in this house?

16
00:00:32,203 --> 00:00:34,372
It's gonna wind up being
some pig named Baryshnikov

17
00:00:34,474 --> 00:00:36,108
or some damn thing.

18
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:38,780
So, how was your trumpet lesson?

19
00:00:38,882 --> 00:00:40,049
It was amazing. Yeah.

20
00:00:40,152 --> 00:00:43,223
Oh, these sessions just
have really changed my life.

21
00:00:43,325 --> 00:00:45,193
Technically, uh, not a lie.

22
00:00:45,296 --> 00:00:47,998
Uh, I started taking trumpet
lessons two years ago.

23
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,635
But then I noticed the place next door

24
00:00:49,737 --> 00:00:52,775
was offering massages
for the same price, so...

25
00:00:52,877 --> 00:00:53,943
you know.

26
00:00:54,642 --> 00:00:57,451
And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was...

27
00:00:57,553 --> 00:00:58,787
solo-parenting Lily.

28
00:00:58,889 --> 00:01:01,459
But... But we were both spending time

29
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,830
with an Asian woman
who walked all over us.

30
00:01:03,932 --> 00:01:05,066
You always smell like lavender

31
00:01:05,169 --> 00:01:06,436
when you come back from that place.

32
00:01:06,538 --> 00:01:08,005
Uh, yeah, it's the... it's the valve oil

33
00:01:08,107 --> 00:01:09,175
for the, um... you know,

34
00:01:09,177 --> 00:01:10,377
- the t... the tooting buttons.
- Oh.

35
00:01:10,479 --> 00:01:12,414
We should probably,
uh, hit the road soon.

36
00:01:12,516 --> 00:01:14,266
High school graduation's in an hour.

37
00:01:14,387 --> 00:01:15,454
It's so humiliating

38
00:01:15,456 --> 00:01:17,424
being the Vice Principal
at these things.

39
00:01:17,526 --> 00:01:19,094
It's just a ceremonial position

40
00:01:19,197 --> 00:01:21,098
where you have to sit
behind Principal Brown,

41
00:01:21,201 --> 00:01:22,334
politely clapping

42
00:01:22,436 --> 00:01:24,638
while he gets to set
the course of history.

43
00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,041
Well, it could be fun with my dad giving

44
00:01:26,144 --> 00:01:27,211
the commencement address, though.

45
00:01:27,313 --> 00:01:28,346
I got a peek at his note cards,

46
00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:30,049
and I don't want to give anything away,

47
00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:31,686
but the young kid who boarded the bus

48
00:01:31,788 --> 00:01:33,088
with the hair full of Brylcreem

49
00:01:33,191 --> 00:01:34,992
and a cardboard suitcase
full of dreams...

50
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,162
it was him.

51
00:01:37,533 --> 00:01:39,168
Oh, I have to take this.
It's Superintendent Pierce.

52
00:01:40,406 --> 00:01:42,875
Hello, good sir.
To what do I owe this honor?

53
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:45,914
Oh, no.

54
00:01:46,016 --> 00:01:47,651
That's horrible.

55
00:01:47,753 --> 00:01:49,789
Principal Brown got into a car accident!

56
00:01:49,891 --> 00:01:52,795
W-Which means,
as next in the line of succession,

57
00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:54,932
I get to preside over
today's graduation.

58
00:01:55,034 --> 00:01:57,438
You know, this is why senior
administration officials

59
00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:58,706
never travel together.

60
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,714
Your glee at another man's
misfortune should trouble me,

61
00:02:02,817 --> 00:02:05,387
but there's also something
sort of sexy about it.

62
00:02:05,489 --> 00:02:07,624
- Well, power is an aphrodisiac.
- Oh.

63
00:02:07,726 --> 00:02:08,827
Maybe later you could be the principal

64
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,730
and I could be the student
who's a few credits short.

65
00:02:10,833 --> 00:02:12,234
- Hmm.
- A bad, bad boy

66
00:02:12,336 --> 00:02:14,138
who needs to be taught right from wrong.

67
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,874
'Cause I grew up in a broken home,

68
00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:18,713
where social workers and
constant fights about money

69
00:02:18,815 --> 00:02:19,848
were just...

70
00:02:19,851 --> 00:02:21,552
Okay, well, now I'm just sad.

71
00:02:35,848 --> 00:02:37,451
Yah! Yah!

72
00:02:37,931 --> 00:02:38,953
Can we switch seats?

73
00:02:38,955 --> 00:02:40,055
I'm right under a vent.

74
00:02:40,057 --> 00:02:41,692
This is not good for my instrument.

75
00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:45,800
Oh, so nice that you're taking
this speech so seriously.

76
00:02:45,903 --> 00:02:48,005
When you did Mitch and
Cam's wedding toast,

77
00:02:48,107 --> 00:02:49,875
you had your mouth full of cashews.

78
00:02:49,977 --> 00:02:52,881
Yah! Yah! Yah!

79
00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:55,153
Hey, pay attention to your brother.

80
00:02:55,255 --> 00:02:56,455
You got him into karate.

81
00:02:56,558 --> 00:02:57,624
Not on purpose.

82
00:02:57,726 --> 00:02:59,695
I just showed him a few
"Pink Panther" movies.

83
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,066
Joe?

84
00:03:02,259 --> 00:03:03,269
Joe?

85
00:03:03,271 --> 00:03:04,905
I-I-I don't want to play

86
00:03:05,007 --> 00:03:07,311
this Inspector Clouseau
and Cato game anymore.

87
00:03:07,413 --> 00:03:09,047
It's not that I'm scared.

88
00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:10,684
It's just, I-I'm a little busy...

89
00:03:10,786 --> 00:03:11,986
- Aah!
- Aah!

90
00:03:12,088 --> 00:03:13,556
He's a little psycho.

91
00:03:13,658 --> 00:03:15,994
Which we must never show him,
by the way.

92
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,433
And sorry if I'm distracted.

93
00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:20,002
It's cut day at CalArts.

94
00:03:20,104 --> 00:03:21,973
Half of the class
isn't being asked back.

95
00:03:22,075 --> 00:03:23,776
Manny, my mother's intuition

96
00:03:23,878 --> 00:03:26,482
tells me that you have
nothing to worry about.

97
00:03:26,584 --> 00:03:27,617
It's just so cruel.

98
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:29,254
I'm halfway to a playwriting degree

99
00:03:29,357 --> 00:03:30,657
and a minor in mask-making

100
00:03:30,759 --> 00:03:32,059
and they're just gonna
throw me out on the street

101
00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:33,463
with no way to support myself?

102
00:03:33,565 --> 00:03:36,402
As a wise man will say
in about two hours...

103
00:03:36,504 --> 00:03:40,143
"Be grateful for the rocks
life rolls in your path,

104
00:03:40,245 --> 00:03:43,282
for one day,
you'll see them as stepping stones."

105
00:03:43,385 --> 00:03:45,253
I had that in my "maybe" pile.

106
00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:46,522
Trust yourself, Jay.

107
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,465
Oh, God. It's an e-mail from school.

108
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,436
I don't think I can read
this in front of people.

109
00:03:53,538 --> 00:03:54,705
Yah!

110
00:03:54,807 --> 00:03:55,874
Let's go, Joe!

111
00:03:55,976 --> 00:03:57,009
Ay!

112
00:03:58,348 --> 00:03:59,682
Ay!

113
00:04:06,964 --> 00:04:08,733
I did it!

114
00:04:08,835 --> 00:04:10,437
I did it! Yes!

115
00:04:19,657 --> 00:04:21,992
Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?

116
00:04:23,198 --> 00:04:24,665
I knew you could do it, Joe!

117
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,101
My mother's intuition told me

118
00:04:26,204 --> 00:04:28,906
that you had nothing to worry about.

119
00:04:29,008 --> 00:04:32,848
And if she bribed Sensei Ron,
who else did she bribe?

120
00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:35,120
Did I even deserve this?

121
00:04:35,222 --> 00:04:38,226
Do you remember when
grocery shopping was boring?

122
00:04:38,328 --> 00:04:39,528
I really don't.

123
00:04:40,966 --> 00:04:42,567
As a parent, you don't get

124
00:04:42,669 --> 00:04:45,072
a lot of good, clean,
guilt-free victories.

125
00:04:45,175 --> 00:04:46,809
That's why it's hard not to feel

126
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,181
pretty damn good about ourselves today.

127
00:04:49,283 --> 00:04:50,383
Because this afternoon,

128
00:04:50,485 --> 00:04:53,222
we are going to watch our
daughter Alex graduate...

129
00:04:53,224 --> 00:04:54,324
With honors!

130
00:04:54,326 --> 00:04:56,662
from the world-renowned Caltech.

131
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:05,012
Their best minds weren't
focused on the fight song.

132
00:05:05,115 --> 00:05:06,148
Yeah.

133
00:05:06,714 --> 00:05:07,818
I just can't stop smiling

134
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,557
at this picture of Alex
in her cap and gown.

135
00:05:10,659 --> 00:05:12,460
It's so surreal that one of our kids

136
00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:15,140
could do something so amazing.

137
00:05:15,175 --> 00:05:16,235
I love you both.

138
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,840
So, you two,
grab champagne and flowers for Alex.

139
00:05:18,875 --> 00:05:21,512
We'll, uh... We'll get
some cigars to give to Jay.

140
00:05:21,614 --> 00:05:22,781
Yeah.

141
00:05:23,885 --> 00:05:25,153
Oh, my God.

142
00:05:25,188 --> 00:05:27,190
It's Skip Woosnam.
Have you seen him since he fired you?

143
00:05:27,259 --> 00:05:29,761
Once, at a listing.

144
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,966
I tried to pretend I was
a 3D cutout of myself

145
00:05:32,034 --> 00:05:33,336
to avoid talking to him.

146
00:05:33,404 --> 00:05:35,607
But you know what?
Today I want to talk to him.

147
00:05:35,675 --> 00:05:36,909
I think I'll let ol' Skip know

148
00:05:36,978 --> 00:05:39,248
I have a daughter
graduating from Caltech.

149
00:05:39,316 --> 00:05:40,950
No, honey,
we are not the kind of parents

150
00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:43,456
who make ourselves look good
by bragging about our kids.

151
00:05:43,524 --> 00:05:45,025
Then why did we even have them, Claire?

152
00:05:45,522 --> 00:05:46,595
Are we really not gonna crow about it

153
00:05:46,664 --> 00:05:48,633
when one of our kids finally does
something we can be proud of?

154
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:50,002
I love you both very much.

155
00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:51,972
I'm comfortable being the hot one.

156
00:05:56,082 --> 00:05:57,384
Another record month?

157
00:05:58,059 --> 00:05:59,254
Well, thank you!

158
00:05:59,323 --> 00:06:01,258
You're the greatest butler on Earth.

159
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:02,560
Ohp! I gotta run.

160
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,431
- Phil?
- Skip!

161
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:06,135
You son of a gun. How the hell are you?

162
00:06:06,203 --> 00:06:08,339
Great, great.
Business is better than ever.

163
00:06:08,408 --> 00:06:09,418
How about you?

164
00:06:09,476 --> 00:06:11,712
Did you, uh, finally get real cutouts?

165
00:06:11,781 --> 00:06:14,083
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mine are so realistic and 3D,

166
00:06:14,153 --> 00:06:15,420
you must have been laughing
at one of them like an idiot.

167
00:06:15,488 --> 00:06:17,733
How crazy is it we ran into
each other shopping, huh?

168
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:19,695
Say, how are your kids?

169
00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:20,863
Terrific. Yeah.

170
00:06:20,932 --> 00:06:23,536
June just, uh,
took a job at the Container Store.

171
00:06:23,638 --> 00:06:25,473
Impressive. I have a kid that's
interested in space, as well.

172
00:06:25,575 --> 00:06:28,846
- Considering a job at, uh... at NASA: actually.
- Oh.

173
00:06:28,948 --> 00:06:31,585
Yeah, he, uh,
looks like he's got the right stuff.

174
00:06:32,956 --> 00:06:34,925
No, I... it's...
I was talking about my daughter.

175
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,762
- Oh.
- Hey, Dad. Dad, guess what.

176
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:39,534
The twins started kicking
the second I picked up booze.

177
00:06:40,324 --> 00:06:41,805
They're my kids, right?

178
00:06:41,907 --> 00:06:43,809
My other daughter.

179
00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:47,295
Okay, I'm doing a little thing about

180
00:06:47,337 --> 00:06:48,770
following your dreams in mine.

181
00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:50,006
Do you have anything like that in yours?

182
00:06:50,074 --> 00:06:51,551
I say "follow your passions."

183
00:06:51,586 --> 00:06:52,945
Okay, yeah. That's different enough.

184
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,519
Okay. Something fishy's
going on over here.

185
00:06:56,588 --> 00:06:58,690
I'm gonna go shake some trees,
see what falls.

186
00:07:00,329 --> 00:07:02,498
Looking lovely today,
Vice Principal Tucker.

187
00:07:02,566 --> 00:07:04,468
Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski.

188
00:07:04,537 --> 00:07:05,971
Oh, you don't like the
way I'm talking to you?

189
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,307
Well, who are you gonna complain to?

190
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:08,610
No one!

191
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,046
Because I'm the acting principal,

192
00:07:10,115 --> 00:07:11,783
clothed in immense power!

193
00:07:14,056 --> 00:07:15,190
Wait, what is... Nope!

194
00:07:16,095 --> 00:07:17,194
I bend faster.

195
00:07:17,263 --> 00:07:18,663
"Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?

196
00:07:18,765 --> 00:07:19,799
What the hell is this?

197
00:07:20,803 --> 00:07:22,705
The year was 1972.

198
00:07:22,773 --> 00:07:24,590
I landed a whale...

199
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,679
every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship.

200
00:07:26,748 --> 00:07:28,349
To make the numbers work,

201
00:07:28,418 --> 00:07:31,054
I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap.

202
00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:32,958
I ended up cutting down a
forest that happened to be

203
00:07:33,027 --> 00:07:36,064
the last habitat of the
Golden Speckled Owl.

204
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,937
You know, nobody talks
about all the mice I saved.

205
00:07:39,039 --> 00:07:40,173
Nope!

206
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,809
Just the owls.

207
00:07:41,845 --> 00:07:43,480
Are you all planning
some sort of protest?

208
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:45,684
Well, that ain't happening on my watch.

209
00:07:45,753 --> 00:07:46,852
Now go take your seats!

210
00:07:47,445 --> 00:07:48,489
"Owl Hitler"?

211
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,331
What the hell is this picture?
I never strangled an owl!

212
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,869
Is it too much for Dylan
to let me know where he is?

213
00:07:54,937 --> 00:07:56,672
My water could literally
break any minute.

214
00:07:57,107 --> 00:07:58,176
Am I okay sitting here,

215
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,680
or am I in a SeaWorld
splash zone situation?

216
00:08:00,749 --> 00:08:03,453
Claire, your old high
school nemesis Ashley Walls,

217
00:08:03,522 --> 00:08:05,123
did she have a daughter?

218
00:08:05,192 --> 00:08:06,626
Uh, I don't think so. Why?

219
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,496
Well, that woman over there looks
just like Ashley, but it can't be.

220
00:08:08,565 --> 00:08:10,233
She looks half your... beauty.

221
00:08:11,638 --> 00:08:13,105
Ashley Walls.

222
00:08:13,175 --> 00:08:15,075
She outdid me at everything.

223
00:08:15,145 --> 00:08:18,081
Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain,

224
00:08:18,151 --> 00:08:20,019
and the summer before
we went away to college,

225
00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:21,489
she beat me out for an internship

226
00:08:21,558 --> 00:08:23,204
at Pritchett's closets.

227
00:08:23,562 --> 00:08:24,762
Claire?

228
00:08:25,192 --> 00:08:27,862
- Hi.
- I... want to say...

229
00:08:27,962 --> 00:08:29,571
- Ashley?
- Yes!

230
00:08:29,574 --> 00:08:31,309
- How are you?
- Good.

231
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:32,845
Hi. Ashley Walls-Carnegie.

232
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,080
Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

233
00:08:34,791 --> 00:08:36,552
So, what have you been up to, Ashley?

234
00:08:36,621 --> 00:08:38,523
Uh, well, I'm a personal injury lawyer.

235
00:08:38,592 --> 00:08:40,527
- Mm.
- I have a buddy that makes bank from that.

236
00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:42,249
- Oh?
- He's not a lawyer.

237
00:08:42,284 --> 00:08:43,833
He just tries to get
nice cars to hit him.

238
00:08:43,902 --> 00:08:45,069
Yeah, he's just kidding.

239
00:08:45,172 --> 00:08:46,205
No, I'm not, Mom.

240
00:08:46,274 --> 00:08:47,708
- In fact, I've ac...
- Here, have a candy. Hmm?

241
00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:50,380
That was rude. I just ran
into my old health teacher,

242
00:08:50,449 --> 00:08:51,749
and she said she always expected

243
00:08:51,818 --> 00:08:54,154
to see me pregnant at graduation.

244
00:08:54,223 --> 00:08:56,997
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks. Twins.

245
00:08:57,032 --> 00:08:58,396
Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it

246
00:08:58,465 --> 00:08:59,832
if I could track their father down.

247
00:08:59,934 --> 00:09:01,269
Candy.

248
00:09:01,337 --> 00:09:03,640
Oh, look... it's your brother, Mitch.

249
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:05,310
Now, he was always
a little uptight, wasn't he?

250
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,748
Well, he was in high school,
but now he's just the most...

251
00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:09,050
Okay, you have one job today,
young lady,

252
00:09:09,153 --> 00:09:10,220
okay, to be supportive.

253
00:09:10,289 --> 00:09:11,555
If your dad makes a joke,
you will laugh.

254
00:09:11,624 --> 00:09:13,426
If he makes a speech,
you will what? Applaud.

255
00:09:13,528 --> 00:09:15,597
Right. I-I-I'm gonna go find my seat.

256
00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:17,434
But it was great catching up
with you, Claire.

257
00:09:17,536 --> 00:09:18,736
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

258
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:21,475
No one would blame you if you mentioned

259
00:09:21,544 --> 00:09:23,913
you had a daughter graduating
from Caltech today.

260
00:09:23,982 --> 00:09:26,185
Yeah. Honey, the moment has passed.

261
00:09:26,254 --> 00:09:29,191
I'd need a pretty good reason to
just go waltzing over there...

262
00:09:29,260 --> 00:09:30,760
Oh! She dropped her program!

263
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:31,965
Yes!

264
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,433
Hey, Claire,
you know how you're my go-to gal...

265
00:09:33,535 --> 00:09:35,002
- Busy.
- Hey, Phil.

266
00:09:35,104 --> 00:09:37,507
You know how you're
my go-to guy on stuff?

267
00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:38,876
Huh.

268
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,182
I suppose against all odds,
we've become best friends.

269
00:09:41,284 --> 00:09:42,294
Sure.

270
00:09:42,353 --> 00:09:45,089
So, apparently,
some of the students are angry

271
00:09:45,158 --> 00:09:46,759
that I'm giving the
commencement address.

272
00:09:46,828 --> 00:09:49,465
- Why?
- Who knows why their sick minds do anything?

273
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,842
Gotta say though, it feels good
to be hating hippies again.

274
00:09:51,877 --> 00:09:53,940
Anyway, would you mind
giving this place a sweep?

275
00:09:54,009 --> 00:09:56,371
See if you notice something suspicious.

276
00:09:56,406 --> 00:09:58,649
Consider it done.

277
00:09:58,718 --> 00:10:00,387
Hey. What do you got there?

278
00:10:00,489 --> 00:10:03,025
You kids got something under
those robes you want to show me?

279
00:10:03,757 --> 00:10:06,265
Manny, you passed the cuts,

280
00:10:06,334 --> 00:10:08,169
so why aren't you in a better mood?

281
00:10:10,074 --> 00:10:12,744
You bribed my dean to get
me past the cut, didn't you?

282
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,350
I would never do something like that.

283
00:10:15,419 --> 00:10:16,719
Oh, bravo!

284
00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:18,456
If Lisa Wagner pulled
out that performance,

285
00:10:18,525 --> 00:10:20,593
maybe she wouldn't be driving
back to her parents' house

286
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,130
with a trunk full of handmade puppets

287
00:10:22,199 --> 00:10:24,501
and a suddenly very uncertain future.

288
00:10:24,570 --> 00:10:27,507
I didn't bribe anyone. I don't know
why you're talking such crazy things.

289
00:10:27,576 --> 00:10:29,411
Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.

290
00:10:30,473 --> 00:10:33,419
Wait. You bribed Sensei Ron?

291
00:10:33,488 --> 00:10:34,955
So this is just a lie?

292
00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:36,692
Are there others?

293
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,097
Who the hell even am I?

294
00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:48,282
Oh!

295
00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:49,685
Oops.

296
00:10:51,524 --> 00:10:52,650
Oh, my God!

297
00:10:55,749 --> 00:10:57,534
Nice try, kemosabes.

298
00:10:58,110 --> 00:10:59,194
Oh!

299
00:11:06,487 --> 00:11:08,689
Mm! Mm!

300
00:11:09,860 --> 00:11:11,896
Hey. Ash. I think you left your program.

301
00:11:11,964 --> 00:11:13,475
Oh. Thank you.

302
00:11:13,635 --> 00:11:14,701
Wow, it's wild to think

303
00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:16,405
where all these kids
are gonna end up, right?

304
00:11:16,474 --> 00:11:18,676
I mean, there's so many great schools.

305
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:19,945
In fact, our...

306
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:23,219
Oh. Is something wrong?

307
00:11:23,254 --> 00:11:24,588
Our daughter joined ISIS:

308
00:11:24,690 --> 00:11:25,765
Oh, God!

309
00:11:26,194 --> 00:11:28,930
The government said she's
not an American anymore.

310
00:11:28,965 --> 00:11:31,000
There's a van always parked
in front of our house.

311
00:11:31,102 --> 00:11:32,404
Oh, God. I'm so sorry...

312
00:11:32,439 --> 00:11:34,474
Did Claire tell you
our daughter's a genius?

313
00:11:35,579 --> 00:11:37,714
and so, graduates, look to your left

314
00:11:37,816 --> 00:11:40,153
and to your right.

315
00:11:40,222 --> 00:11:42,624
It's a simple key chain with
a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.

316
00:11:42,693 --> 00:11:44,361
If you see it, please pass it forward.

317
00:11:44,430 --> 00:11:46,565
All right, and now
on to our commencement speaker.

318
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:48,844
He is a pillar of the community,

319
00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:51,809
an entrepreneur and closeteer...
Mr. Jay Pritchett.

320
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:56,485
Commencement.

321
00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:58,122
"C" for "courage,"

322
00:11:58,191 --> 00:12:00,058
"O" for "opportunity,"

323
00:12:00,161 --> 00:12:01,261
the first "M"...

324
00:12:06,106 --> 00:12:07,607
Disaster had struck.

325
00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:08,776
But did I panic?

326
00:12:08,878 --> 00:12:09,911
No.

327
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,417
No one chooses to be
a wartime principal.

328
00:12:12,486 --> 00:12:14,655
But we're the ones history remembers.

329
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,659
Pick one, they all said...

330
00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:18,863
closets or blinds.

331
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,535
Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation.

332
00:12:21,604 --> 00:12:23,706
I'm cutting him off and moving
right to the in-memoriam section.

333
00:12:23,775 --> 00:12:25,343
Well, that would be less depressing.

334
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,947
Yeah, the problem is,
the band just walked out in solidarity.

335
00:12:28,050 --> 00:12:29,685
- Here.
- W-What?

336
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,524
Mitchell, you can't have an
in memoriam without music.

337
00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:33,993
That's just a bummer.

338
00:12:34,095 --> 00:12:35,363
- Take it!
- Oh.

339
00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:38,803
Hoot all you want,
but that Brylcreem kid was me!

340
00:12:38,805 --> 00:12:39,905
Yes, hi, thank you.

341
00:12:39,907 --> 00:12:41,074
Thank you, Jay Pritchett, everyone!

342
00:12:41,143 --> 00:12:42,644
Wow, I don't know about you,
but I feel like

343
00:12:42,713 --> 00:12:44,348
getting out there and
taking on the world, huh?

344
00:12:44,416 --> 00:12:46,285
- That's a...
- And now, let's remember

345
00:12:46,387 --> 00:12:49,157
those Dolphins we lost this year.

346
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,060
Mitchell, play something. Play anything.

347
00:12:51,130 --> 00:12:52,831
Something with the most gravitas.

348
00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:58,376
You know, for a person who last
touched a trumpet two years ago,

349
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,011
I think I sounded pretty good.

350
00:13:10,335 --> 00:13:12,137
I'm done. I'm done.

351
00:13:12,205 --> 00:13:13,272
All right! Wow!

352
00:13:13,341 --> 00:13:15,710
That is a lot of deceased for one year.

353
00:13:15,779 --> 00:13:17,781
We should probably have
the police check into that.

354
00:13:17,849 --> 00:13:20,051
And now, before, uh,
passing out diplomas,

355
00:13:20,121 --> 00:13:21,855
I would like to make sort of a...

356
00:13:21,924 --> 00:13:25,095
a personal gesture to
this graduating class.

357
00:13:25,165 --> 00:13:28,235
As these balloons fill the sky,
know that each one of them

358
00:13:28,304 --> 00:13:32,177
represents a student who
has personally inspired me

359
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:36,251
and filled me with hope
for a better tomorrow.

360
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:42,897
What?

361
00:13:45,204 --> 00:13:46,872
Psst! Acting Principal!

362
00:13:46,974 --> 00:13:49,478
Protesters hacked into
our sprinkler system.

363
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:50,680
It's set to go off in five minutes.

364
00:13:50,682 --> 00:13:51,882
We have to postpone the graduation.

365
00:13:51,984 --> 00:13:53,185
And miss my chance of
becoming principal?

366
00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:54,321
Not a chance!

367
00:13:54,389 --> 00:13:55,923
Well, no one can read 400
names in five minutes.

368
00:13:56,025 --> 00:13:57,660
Oh, really?

369
00:13:57,762 --> 00:13:59,764
All that training,
all those parties missed,

370
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,033
all those auctions attended

371
00:14:01,136 --> 00:14:02,971
were for this moment right here,
right now.

372
00:14:03,039 --> 00:14:04,908
Students, hi! When you hear your name,

373
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,315
please proceed to the stage
and grab your diploma.

374
00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:10,553
Nelly Abrishami,
Allison Acosta, Frieda Alafary,

375
00:14:10,655 --> 00:14:12,524
Scott "The Skunk" Albanese,
Jessica Alenick,

376
00:14:12,626 --> 00:14:15,095
Richard Thompson Allen,
Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,

377
00:14:15,198 --> 00:14:17,267
Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson...

378
00:14:17,369 --> 00:14:18,802
I was gonna make it!

379
00:14:18,905 --> 00:14:20,139
And then...

380
00:14:20,241 --> 00:14:21,942
I hit the Polish names.

381
00:14:22,044 --> 00:14:25,383
Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky.

382
00:14:25,485 --> 00:14:28,689
Wladyslaw Wlod...

383
00:14:28,791 --> 00:14:29,891
nisky? Yeah.

384
00:14:30,273 --> 00:14:31,361
Uh... Oh!

385
00:14:31,548 --> 00:14:32,630
Myra Zarinsky...

386
00:14:38,424 --> 00:14:41,052
Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam,
we've got a chance

387
00:14:41,103 --> 00:14:42,838
of blending into the mob
when they turn violent.

388
00:14:42,907 --> 00:14:44,242
What the hell is this?

389
00:14:44,344 --> 00:14:45,577
Okay, well, apparently, when those owls

390
00:14:45,646 --> 00:14:47,214
hacked into the sprinkler system,
it was school-wide.

391
00:14:47,283 --> 00:14:49,652
They're not letting anyone
into the parking structure.

392
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:50,754
Oh, no!

393
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,358
I hope this doesn't mean
we're gonna have to miss

394
00:14:52,426 --> 00:14:54,629
the second graduation of the day.

395
00:14:56,268 --> 00:14:58,068
How lucky is that?

396
00:14:58,171 --> 00:15:00,807
Me cruising by with an Uber
fare right when you called.

397
00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:02,314
- So lucky.
- Very lucky.

398
00:15:02,381 --> 00:15:05,082
- Very good.
- Well, this is you, Gerald.

399
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:08,690
Let's have today be the day

400
00:15:08,759 --> 00:15:10,026
you stop playing for your dad

401
00:15:10,094 --> 00:15:11,996
and start playing for Gerald.

402
00:15:12,065 --> 00:15:13,333
That... That kind of reminds me...

403
00:15:13,402 --> 00:15:15,203
I'm sorry I lied about
the trumpet lessons.

404
00:15:15,272 --> 00:15:16,506
Oh, please.
Not the worst part of my day.

405
00:15:16,574 --> 00:15:19,178
I'm realizing now that Principal
Brown set me up to fail.

406
00:15:19,247 --> 00:15:20,257
There was no car crash,

407
00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:21,516
just like there was no moon landing.

408
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,453
- Cam...
- Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell.

409
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:25,891
Hey, hey, hey,
I was humiliated much worse than you.

410
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,003
It was so unfair.

411
00:15:27,062 --> 00:15:28,797
A lifetime of service out the window.

412
00:15:28,865 --> 00:15:30,701
You think I don't see the faces of owls

413
00:15:30,769 --> 00:15:32,804
every night I close my eyes?

414
00:15:32,841 --> 00:15:35,877
At least you've accomplished
something they can tear down.

415
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:36,990
I'm a fraud!

416
00:15:37,048 --> 00:15:38,450
You see what you did to your brother?

417
00:15:38,518 --> 00:15:40,988
Look at those sad, hurt eyes.

418
00:15:41,056 --> 00:15:42,324
Like a sad little owl.

419
00:15:42,393 --> 00:15:43,426
Well, maybe if you believed in your sons

420
00:15:43,495 --> 00:15:45,252
instead of giving everyone
Colombian handshakes.

421
00:15:45,266 --> 00:15:46,366
What?

422
00:15:46,429 --> 00:15:48,470
I've never sanded down a man's fingers

423
00:15:48,538 --> 00:15:50,072
in front of his family!

424
00:15:51,177 --> 00:15:52,925
Oh, you mean the bribes?

425
00:15:53,014 --> 00:15:54,149
You can't deny it anymore.

426
00:15:54,184 --> 00:15:56,152
Look at this photo on
my dean's Instagram.

427
00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:57,888
He's wearing the same
watch you gave Sensei Ron.

428
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,492
The superintendent was
wearing that same watch.

429
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,429
I-I noticed it when he shook my
hand at the end of the ceremony

430
00:16:01,498 --> 00:16:03,266
and said I was a "horrifying disgrace."

431
00:16:03,335 --> 00:16:04,802
You bribed him?

432
00:16:04,904 --> 00:16:06,806
Is that how I got my speech?

433
00:16:06,875 --> 00:16:08,243
Okay, enough!

434
00:16:08,311 --> 00:16:11,115
I'm sure you would have gotten
all these things on your own,

435
00:16:11,184 --> 00:16:14,755
but the world sometimes is very unfair!

436
00:16:14,824 --> 00:16:17,127
And the watches are like an insurance.

437
00:16:17,196 --> 00:16:18,663
Why do you even have so many?

438
00:16:18,732 --> 00:16:21,135
Sometimes I do a little
bit of Ambien shopping

439
00:16:21,204 --> 00:16:23,440
and I buy too much of one thing.

440
00:16:23,508 --> 00:16:24,642
Didn't you all wonder

441
00:16:24,710 --> 00:16:27,181
when you got the same
fun socks for Christmas?

442
00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:28,383
- Oh, samesies.
- I'll be damned!

443
00:16:28,485 --> 00:16:29,652
- I don't have those.
- They're fun!

444
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:30,954
I'm sorry, okay?

445
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,691
But I love you guys so much

446
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,862
to leave your dreams to chance.

447
00:16:34,931 --> 00:16:36,766
I suppose where you grew up,

448
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:38,403
bending the rules was
just a part of life.

449
00:16:38,818 --> 00:16:40,574
It's what you had to do to get by.

450
00:16:40,642 --> 00:16:42,878
Why wouldn't you do that to
help the people you love?

451
00:16:42,980 --> 00:16:44,348
Thank you, Manny.

452
00:16:44,450 --> 00:16:45,717
You're not welcome.
That's not how I feel.

453
00:16:45,786 --> 00:16:46,953
I-It's a speech from a play I was in.

454
00:16:47,055 --> 00:16:48,189
Right after that line,

455
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:49,925
I light up a cigarette and
put my clothes back on.

456
00:16:50,272 --> 00:16:51,273
Yeah, I'm good, but...

457
00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:53,254
now I'll never know if
that's why I made the cut.

458
00:16:53,268 --> 00:16:54,702
Okay, stop. Look.

459
00:16:54,770 --> 00:16:55,904
We've all had a terrible day today...

460
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:56,983
Not me.

461
00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:59,077
Tons of great fares,
amazing yoga class...

462
00:16:59,147 --> 00:17:01,315
I-I was building to something, buddy.

463
00:17:01,384 --> 00:17:03,153
But that's one of the great
things about being in a family.

464
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:04,722
We get to share in
each other's victories.

465
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,192
And Alex has a huge victory today

466
00:17:06,294 --> 00:17:07,694
that can make us all feel better.

467
00:17:07,796 --> 00:17:08,897
So let's...

468
00:17:08,965 --> 00:17:11,202
turn around this crap day
with a nice, feel-good...

469
00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:12,538
Hey, is that Alex?

470
00:17:13,188 --> 00:17:15,555
Oh, my God. Pull over! Back up!

471
00:17:18,785 --> 00:17:21,322
Alex! Honey, what happened?
Are you okay?

472
00:17:21,391 --> 00:17:22,475
What day is it?

473
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:26,666
Not that time is anything
but a flat circle.

474
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:29,672
So... we were done with classes,
done with finals,

475
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:32,311
and, like college seniors
since the beginning of time,

476
00:17:32,379 --> 00:17:34,348
we decided to get a little nuts.

477
00:17:34,450 --> 00:17:36,385
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

478
00:17:36,454 --> 00:17:38,088
Our classmate Ashish Chug...

479
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,198
I did it!

480
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,329
hacked his key card to get us access

481
00:17:41,397 --> 00:17:43,566
to the restricted
section of the library.

482
00:17:43,668 --> 00:17:45,870
We decided to read
Alister's Last Theorem.

483
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:50,146
Gottlob Alister wrote a proof
showing that zero equals 1.

484
00:17:50,215 --> 00:17:51,749
This rendered mathematics meaningless

485
00:17:51,851 --> 00:17:53,219
and drove him insane.

486
00:17:53,321 --> 00:17:55,957
According to legend,
the same fate befalls anyone

487
00:17:56,026 --> 00:17:58,061
who reads and understands the proof.

488
00:17:58,131 --> 00:17:59,598
Good God.

489
00:18:06,046 --> 00:18:07,781
If mathematics doesn't matter,

490
00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:09,218
then no one can be certain of anything,

491
00:18:09,287 --> 00:18:10,654
and I've just wasted the last four...

492
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,691
no, 16 years of my life,

493
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,105
and there's no point in me graduating!

494
00:18:14,197 --> 00:18:16,465
Okay, I can tell that you're very upset,

495
00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:18,436
and you're probably really
overtired from finals.

496
00:18:18,505 --> 00:18:21,509
But you are gonna regret it
if you don't go to graduation.

497
00:18:21,577 --> 00:18:23,513
Look, I promise...
whatever is bothering you,

498
00:18:23,515 --> 00:18:24,615
figure it out after the ceremony...

499
00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:25,913
- After?
- Yes.

500
00:18:25,953 --> 00:18:27,654
"After" implies "before"!

501
00:18:27,723 --> 00:18:29,858
But if one minute ago is the
same as zero minutes ago,

502
00:18:29,927 --> 00:18:31,696
then before is now and now is after!

503
00:18:31,798 --> 00:18:33,477
Usually when I hear
people talking like this,

504
00:18:33,535 --> 00:18:35,470
we're walking through a
Taco Bell drive-through.

505
00:18:35,539 --> 00:18:38,108
Sweetie, half your life
is having your mind blown.

506
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:40,380
I remember when I heard there
were more stars in the galaxy

507
00:18:40,449 --> 00:18:42,851
than grains of rice in
a box of Uncle Ben's.

508
00:18:42,953 --> 00:18:44,154
No, there are more galaxies

509
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,225
than grains of sand on
all the world's beaches.

510
00:18:47,663 --> 00:18:49,498
Okay, I can't lose 'em both!

511
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,034
- I got this! Alex...
- Somebody?

512
00:18:51,137 --> 00:18:53,473
"I never knew true strength until..."

513
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:54,775
"I met a man with no feet."

514
00:18:54,844 --> 00:18:57,046
Wait. No. These cards are not in order.

515
00:18:57,149 --> 00:18:58,282
Wait. Nobody help her right now...

516
00:18:58,385 --> 00:19:01,355
Alex, you're a smart, confident girl.

517
00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:03,760
I know that you're gonna
make the right decision.

518
00:19:03,828 --> 00:19:06,599
Did you just put this watch on me?

519
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:08,269
I have a problem.

520
00:19:08,338 --> 00:19:10,240
I say if Alex doesn't want
to go to her graduation,

521
00:19:10,308 --> 00:19:11,475
that's her decision.

522
00:19:11,577 --> 00:19:13,780
- Thank you, Luke.
- As long as you know

523
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:16,050
that whatever's going on
here isn't about math.

524
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,823
Yeah, I think maybe you're
afraid to leave school.

525
00:19:18,892 --> 00:19:20,493
- What?
- Your whole life,

526
00:19:20,562 --> 00:19:23,332
you've always known exactly
what you're supposed to do...

527
00:19:23,401 --> 00:19:25,703
study, get good grades, repeat.

528
00:19:25,772 --> 00:19:27,774
Now that's over, and it's scary.

529
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,480
Kind of like if zero equaled 1.

530
00:19:30,549 --> 00:19:32,851
But lucky for you,
your dummy brother and sister

531
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,354
have spent time in the real world.

532
00:19:34,457 --> 00:19:37,294
And if we can handle it,
you're gonna do just fine.

533
00:19:38,465 --> 00:19:40,533
- You think?
- Trust us.

534
00:19:41,121 --> 00:19:43,372
Come on. Let's go get you graduated.

535
00:19:44,543 --> 00:19:45,677
Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed.

536
00:19:45,779 --> 00:19:47,113
- I have to open it from the inside.
- Okay.

537
00:19:47,182 --> 00:19:49,217
I got it! Hyah!

538
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,020
- Ohhh! Ohhh!
- Ohhh! Ohhh!

539
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,691
Legend Danner.

540
00:19:54,163 --> 00:19:56,365
I still can't get over
that commencement speech.

541
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:57,868
Not a single laugh.

542
00:19:57,970 --> 00:20:00,139
I'll tell you one element he
didn't discover... hilarium.

543
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,408
Oh! Oh, oh!

544
00:20:01,511 --> 00:20:02,848
Alex Dunphy.

545
00:20:03,281 --> 00:20:04,848
Congratulations.

546
00:20:04,950 --> 00:20:06,051
Hey!

547
00:20:07,589 --> 00:20:09,858
We don't want to brag, but, uh...

548
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,962
Our kids did that.

549
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,468
Yeah.

550
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,319
Ay, no! No more watches!

551
00:20:21,369 --> 00:20:23,281
When did I order these ones?

552
00:20:23,331 --> 00:20:24,768
Hey, Mom, guess what!

553
00:20:27,385 --> 00:20:28,646
What, Papi?

554
00:20:28,696 --> 00:20:30,658
My friend Carly got cut from my program,

555
00:20:30,698 --> 00:20:33,311
and her dads funded
our new costume department.

556
00:20:33,351 --> 00:20:34,702
I guess bribes don't work.

557
00:20:34,752 --> 00:20:36,274
I got through on my own merit.

558
00:20:36,314 --> 00:20:37,715
- Yay!
- That calls for a reward.

559
00:20:39,731 --> 00:20:40,888
What is this?

560
00:20:40,938 --> 00:20:43,771
Ay, Manny, please don't tell Jay.

561
00:20:43,811 --> 00:20:45,253
Oatmeal raisin?

562
00:20:45,293 --> 00:20:46,814
You know what... a true artist

563
00:20:46,864 --> 00:20:49,167
doesn't close himself off
to new experiences,

564
00:20:49,217 --> 00:20:51,479
even vile, ill-leavened cookies.

565
00:20:51,519 --> 00:20:52,960
That's the path I have chosen,

566
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,313
to experience and observe everything

567
00:20:55,353 --> 00:20:57,094
in this beautiful pageant we call life.

568
00:20:57,927 --> 00:20:59,537
Aah!

569
00:21:02,851 --> 00:21:04,905
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