1
00:00:03,930 --> 00:00:07,073
- Speech! Speech!

2
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,375
- Okay, okay, okay. Settle down.

3
00:00:08,477 --> 00:00:09,678
Um...

4
00:00:09,746 --> 00:00:11,248
It's hard to believe I'm 50.

5
00:00:11,350 --> 00:00:13,652
A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.

6
00:00:13,721 --> 00:00:15,189
What's he been the last 10 years?

7
00:00:15,291 --> 00:00:17,326
Delusional.
He thinks he's a millennial, like us.

8
00:00:17,429 --> 00:00:19,397
I've thought a lot about what's next.

9
00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:21,301
- 51.
- Thank you, buddy.

10
00:00:21,403 --> 00:00:23,772
And it's important
that I continue to grow

11
00:00:23,874 --> 00:00:26,778
and that I stay mentally challenged.

12
00:00:26,847 --> 00:00:29,584
Which is why I am starting...

13
00:00:29,686 --> 00:00:31,021
piano lessons,

14
00:00:31,090 --> 00:00:32,390
so that by next year's birthday,

15
00:00:32,459 --> 00:00:34,761
I'll be good enough
to perform in public.

16
00:00:34,863 --> 00:00:36,565
Oh, great. Another thing to go to.

17
00:00:36,667 --> 00:00:39,404
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.

18
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,041
Excelente!

19
00:00:41,110 --> 00:00:43,545
Uh, I... I haven't started yet.

20
00:00:43,614 --> 00:00:45,382
Um, and finally, um...

21
00:00:45,451 --> 00:00:48,455
and I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,

22
00:00:48,524 --> 00:00:49,758
but...

23
00:00:49,991 --> 00:00:52,697
I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!

24
00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:56,371
Phil, you forgot to open
one of your gifts.

25
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:57,450
Ooh!

26
00:00:57,542 --> 00:01:00,513
This one,
Jay picked it up for you himself.

27
00:01:00,615 --> 00:01:02,583
- He did?
- Hey, Dad.

28
00:01:02,652 --> 00:01:03,919
So, what's going on with that hat?

29
00:01:03,989 --> 00:01:06,324
Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take

30
00:01:06,426 --> 00:01:07,727
when we go to these things,

31
00:01:07,796 --> 00:01:09,364
so I'm searching for the right hat

32
00:01:09,466 --> 00:01:11,234
that makes me look like I'm having fun.

33
00:01:11,336 --> 00:01:13,138
Or you could just smile more.

34
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,409
- Eh.
- Wow!

35
00:01:15,478 --> 00:01:17,067
"The Sommelier's Guide

36
00:01:17,079 --> 00:01:18,879
- "to the Wines of France."
- Ooh!

37
00:01:18,918 --> 00:01:21,254
- I love it so much.
- Nice!

38
00:01:21,356 --> 00:01:23,325
Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.

39
00:01:24,663 --> 00:01:26,031
"May you continue to age

40
00:01:26,133 --> 00:01:28,769
as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."

41
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:32,210
"Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."

42
00:01:32,278 --> 00:01:35,816
- Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
- Dad!

43
00:01:35,918 --> 00:01:38,021
- I didn't know he wrote in it.
- Because you didn't open it.

44
00:01:38,090 --> 00:01:39,490
So now I feel like a jerk.

45
00:01:39,559 --> 00:01:41,494
How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.

46
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,775
A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.

47
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,795
I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift...

48
00:02:03,875 --> 00:02:08,248
a box set of DVDs of all
the Dean Martin Roasts.

49
00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:10,819
I was so moved by the romantic gesture

50
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,423
that for Jay's birthday,

51
00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:15,896
I invited a bunch of
people over to insult him.

52
00:02:17,635 --> 00:02:19,203
So, my ex-wife and I,

53
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,708
we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.

54
00:02:21,810 --> 00:02:23,578
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,

55
00:02:23,681 --> 00:02:26,251
"Whoa, look at all that skin."

56
00:02:26,353 --> 00:02:28,155
And I said, "Baby, come on."

57
00:02:28,257 --> 00:02:29,267
"What's wrong with that?

58
00:02:29,359 --> 00:02:31,695
She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."

59
00:02:31,797 --> 00:02:34,300
She said, "Oh,
I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."

60
00:02:39,279 --> 00:02:41,748
Jay is so not Latin

61
00:02:41,850 --> 00:02:44,087
that every time that he dances,

62
00:02:44,189 --> 00:02:46,524
people point him to the bathroom.

63
00:02:47,505 --> 00:02:50,432
He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.

64
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:53,772
But seriously, I love the whites.

65
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,311
No, but seriously,
Jay is quite the environmentalist.

66
00:02:56,413 --> 00:02:58,915
Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine...

67
00:02:59,019 --> 00:03:00,786
a wonderful book about wine.

68
00:03:04,396 --> 00:03:06,264
I-I don't want to say my father is old,

69
00:03:06,366 --> 00:03:09,570
but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.

70
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:13,845
My dad is old.

71
00:03:13,948 --> 00:03:15,849
How old is he?

72
00:03:15,952 --> 00:03:18,021
He's so old that when
he started using it,

73
00:03:18,123 --> 00:03:19,857
it was called Preparation G.

74
00:03:22,365 --> 00:03:23,432
Enough!

75
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:24,968
This is terrible!

76
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:28,075
I don't know why any of you
people think this is funny!

77
00:03:28,177 --> 00:03:32,249
You may think these are jokes,
but it's way too real.

78
00:03:32,351 --> 00:03:36,024
We need to respect Grandpa
instead of cutting him down.

79
00:03:36,126 --> 00:03:39,530
None of us really knows
how much time he has left.

80
00:03:39,632 --> 00:03:41,701
Do you really want these to
be the last words he hears?

81
00:03:41,803 --> 00:03:43,772
Well, now I feel like hell.

82
00:03:43,874 --> 00:03:46,277
And that's how you roast! Bam!

83
00:03:49,819 --> 00:03:52,223
I don't understand why
adults make such a big deal

84
00:03:52,325 --> 00:03:53,391
about their birthdays.

85
00:03:53,393 --> 00:03:55,329
So this year, I asked for nothing.

86
00:03:55,431 --> 00:03:58,168
No party, no fuss.

87
00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:00,239
Just a quiet night by myself,

88
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,877
with my thoughts, all alone.

89
00:04:05,084 --> 00:04:06,150
Okay.

90
00:04:06,153 --> 00:04:08,622
Just as I had hoped,
Mitchell is miserable.

91
00:04:08,724 --> 00:04:09,891
He said he didn't want a party,

92
00:04:09,994 --> 00:04:12,129
but it's like when you write
"No gifts" on an invitation

93
00:04:12,231 --> 00:04:13,765
but you secretly want
everyone to bring something

94
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:14,900
big and expensive, Jotham.

95
00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:16,871
I made a heartfelt toast at your party.

96
00:04:16,974 --> 00:04:19,143
Yes, and those 12 words
were just as generous

97
00:04:19,245 --> 00:04:21,648
as the actual physical
gifts everyone else brought.

98
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:23,385
Okay, I'm gonna go in.

99
00:04:23,487 --> 00:04:26,024
When you hear me say
"Mitchell, you're not alone,"

100
00:04:26,126 --> 00:04:28,562
that's when you come in
and you yell "Surprise."

101
00:04:28,664 --> 00:04:30,032
We know what to say.

102
00:04:30,134 --> 00:04:31,747
Mm. Do you?

103
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:34,540
Hey!

104
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,979
- How you doing? Okay?
- Yeah.

105
00:04:37,081 --> 00:04:39,250
Now do you see what it's like
to spend your birthday alone?

106
00:04:39,352 --> 00:04:41,087
I do. And it's...

107
00:04:41,189 --> 00:04:42,256
- Yeah.
- ... amazing.

108
00:04:42,258 --> 00:04:44,026
- What?
- Cam, thank you. Thank you.

109
00:04:44,128 --> 00:04:46,864
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted

110
00:04:46,968 --> 00:04:49,070
instead of what you
thought I should want.

111
00:04:49,172 --> 00:04:51,241
Honey, this is the best
birthday present ever.

112
00:04:51,343 --> 00:04:53,245
- It is?
- Yes!

113
00:04:53,347 --> 00:04:55,048
Oh, and you've...
you've got to be relieved, too.

114
00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,818
I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,

115
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,521
they leave and you spend
the rest of the night

116
00:04:58,624 --> 00:05:00,592
complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.

117
00:05:00,694 --> 00:05:02,529
I don't know what you're talking about!

118
00:05:02,632 --> 00:05:05,535
Oh, please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.

119
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,939
That doesn't sound like me!

120
00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:09,010
Antonio's weave is falling apart.

121
00:05:09,112 --> 00:05:10,712
Vincent's a sloppy drunk.

122
00:05:10,814 --> 00:05:12,182
Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling

123
00:05:12,285 --> 00:05:13,953
his one Bernadette Peters story.

124
00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:16,224
You're the sloppy drunk!

125
00:05:17,395 --> 00:05:18,828
Surprise!

126
00:05:21,169 --> 00:05:22,703
Here's a thing I realized...

127
00:05:22,805 --> 00:05:25,676
You can't get older if
you never have birthdays.

128
00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:38,936
- What'd I tell you?
- I thought this would be the year.

129
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,772
I told my family I just
wanted my birthday

130
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,843
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,

131
00:05:42,946 --> 00:05:44,680
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,

132
00:05:44,749 --> 00:05:46,284
and I knew they'd get all suspicious

133
00:05:46,353 --> 00:05:47,386
about why I wasn't drinking.

134
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:48,655
What was I going to say?

135
00:05:48,724 --> 00:05:50,092
"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?

136
00:05:51,296 --> 00:05:53,064
There's no way they'd believe that.

137
00:05:54,335 --> 00:05:55,602
Here. I got you a present.

138
00:05:55,704 --> 00:05:57,106
Ooh! Thank you!

139
00:05:58,577 --> 00:05:59,810
Get out!

140
00:05:59,912 --> 00:06:01,180
Gucci baby sneakers!

141
00:06:03,019 --> 00:06:04,587
They're adorable.

142
00:06:04,689 --> 00:06:06,657
Our baby's gonna be so hot.

143
00:06:06,726 --> 00:06:07,926
Personally, I think it's weird

144
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:09,797
that there are shoes for
someone who can't walk.

145
00:06:09,899 --> 00:06:13,605
But you know what, Haley?
I love that we're pregnannnt...

146
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,611
- Hello!
- Hi!

147
00:06:16,679 --> 00:06:17,846
What are you guys doing here?

148
00:06:17,949 --> 00:06:19,183
At the restaurant? We got a...

149
00:06:19,252 --> 00:06:20,519
- We got a Groupon, but we...
- Us too.

150
00:06:20,621 --> 00:06:22,256
Yeah, we j...
we just saw that you were over here.

151
00:06:22,358 --> 00:06:24,026
- Wanted to say happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.

152
00:06:24,095 --> 00:06:25,362
Didn't mean to overhear.

153
00:06:25,431 --> 00:06:26,464
You didn't overhear anything.

154
00:06:26,466 --> 00:06:27,967
We were talking about a TV show.

155
00:06:28,069 --> 00:06:29,236
Oh, well, then, what's... what's up

156
00:06:29,338 --> 00:06:30,472
with these little baby shoes, then?

157
00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:32,109
These are... These are not baby shoes.

158
00:06:32,178 --> 00:06:33,344
- Oh.
- No, they're, um...

159
00:06:33,447 --> 00:06:34,880
We are starting a business

160
00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:38,455
for people who cannot afford
full-size designer wear.

161
00:06:38,557 --> 00:06:41,627
Oh. Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I...

162
00:06:41,729 --> 00:06:42,964
Okay.

163
00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:45,469
- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God.

164
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:46,604
That's exciting!

165
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,541
- Is it?
- We think so.

166
00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:50,011
But we have not told my parents yet,

167
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,547
so please don't say anything.

168
00:06:51,649 --> 00:06:53,953
Oh, honey,
I could keep your secret forever,

169
00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:55,922
but just so you know, he can't.

170
00:06:56,025 --> 00:06:57,059
Yeah, I'm weak.

171
00:06:57,061 --> 00:06:58,761
Yeah, you got maybe three,
four days tops.

172
00:06:58,864 --> 00:07:00,265
- What?
- Yeah.

173
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:02,369
Oh. Okay.
Well, these were from us, but...

174
00:07:02,471 --> 00:07:03,705
Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.

175
00:07:03,807 --> 00:07:05,642
Okay, there you go. See?

176
00:07:05,744 --> 00:07:06,844
Now, you listen to me.

177
00:07:06,947 --> 00:07:08,114
My roller-coastering hormones

178
00:07:08,216 --> 00:07:10,085
cannot handle another lecture
from my mother right now,

179
00:07:10,187 --> 00:07:11,420
so you are going to tell me a secret

180
00:07:11,523 --> 00:07:15,428
that I will reveal to everyone
if you ever spill mine!

181
00:07:15,531 --> 00:07:17,132
- Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.
- Mm?

182
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:19,136
Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,

183
00:07:19,238 --> 00:07:21,374
he puts the makeup everywhere.

184
00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:23,111
- Mm. You're the best.
- Mm-hmm.

185
00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:25,744
Because of the whole 21 thing,

186
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:28,018
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.

187
00:07:28,053 --> 00:07:30,749
But it's all I've been thinking about

188
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,471
for the last three years.

189
00:07:34,703 --> 00:07:35,797
Hey.

190
00:07:35,953 --> 00:07:37,687
Three years ago, I came in here,

191
00:07:37,722 --> 00:07:40,280
and when I saw you, I fell in love.

192
00:07:40,624 --> 00:07:41,944
The kind of love that
punches you in the gut

193
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,048
and makes you wanna be a better man.

194
00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:46,553
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.

195
00:07:46,654 --> 00:07:49,292
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."

196
00:07:49,393 --> 00:07:51,629
Well... check it out.

197
00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:53,300
Oh! Happy birthday!

198
00:07:53,776 --> 00:07:54,970
But now I don't date men.

199
00:07:55,337 --> 00:07:56,405
Oh.

200
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,149
Well... looks like
I've got a decision to make.

201
00:08:02,819 --> 00:08:04,355
On my birthday this year,

202
00:08:04,456 --> 00:08:07,194
I really got a sense of
what people think of me.

203
00:08:07,295 --> 00:08:08,497
Which is...

204
00:08:08,598 --> 00:08:09,832
so great.

205
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,303
This is from me and the boys.

206
00:08:11,304 --> 00:08:12,839
Gloria got you her own gift.

207
00:08:13,569 --> 00:08:15,911
Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!

208
00:08:16,013 --> 00:08:17,081
I did that.

209
00:08:17,082 --> 00:08:18,784
It's a lost art in this modern age

210
00:08:18,885 --> 00:08:21,389
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.

211
00:08:21,491 --> 00:08:23,093
Papi, just be normal.

212
00:08:23,194 --> 00:08:25,397
Let's see. It is, uh...

213
00:08:25,499 --> 00:08:27,001
some kind of silk pillow?

214
00:08:27,102 --> 00:08:28,103
Well, it's more than that.

215
00:08:28,104 --> 00:08:30,307
See, there's a switch on the side,

216
00:08:30,408 --> 00:08:33,013
and when you lay on it, it...
it plays ocean sounds for you.

217
00:08:33,114 --> 00:08:34,516
You know, I-it helps you relax.

218
00:08:34,617 --> 00:08:37,221
- Huh.
- At least it's not are-gift.

219
00:08:37,322 --> 00:08:38,624
- How do you live with this?
- I...

220
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:40,428
Tell you what.

221
00:08:40,429 --> 00:08:41,764
How about we do one more gift, and then

222
00:08:41,865 --> 00:08:43,634
- we take a break for cake and do the rest after?
- Yeah.

223
00:08:43,735 --> 00:08:44,737
Hmm?

224
00:08:44,823 --> 00:08:47,108
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.

225
00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:48,444
Mm, thank you, Dylan.

226
00:08:48,545 --> 00:08:49,679
Although I have to say,

227
00:08:49,781 --> 00:08:52,719
you have given me enough
gifts this year already.

228
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:55,358
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.

229
00:08:55,459 --> 00:08:56,517
Yeah.

230
00:08:58,017 --> 00:08:59,199
What is this?

231
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:00,601
It's an aromatherapy machine.

232
00:09:00,702 --> 00:09:02,319
See, you put in oils that
are supposed to help you

233
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,538
with the stress of the day.

234
00:09:03,638 --> 00:09:04,656
Oh!

235
00:09:04,727 --> 00:09:06,605
Alright, well... let's see.

236
00:09:06,706 --> 00:09:09,245
So far, I have gotten a spa day,

237
00:09:09,345 --> 00:09:10,629
three massages,

238
00:09:10,729 --> 00:09:13,598
a meditation class, an ocean pillow,

239
00:09:13,698 --> 00:09:15,940
a rage bat, and a little machine

240
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,018
that's supposed to trick my
nose into calming me down.

241
00:09:18,118 --> 00:09:19,502
Why does everyone think I'm so tense?

242
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,217
You bit through your night guard.

243
00:09:21,317 --> 00:09:23,493
You're squeezing me too hard.

244
00:09:23,592 --> 00:09:25,570
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.

245
00:09:25,670 --> 00:09:27,813
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.

246
00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:29,298
The entire family was sick.

247
00:09:29,398 --> 00:09:30,914
I was not cooking meth.

248
00:09:31,015 --> 00:09:33,321
You know what? I don't even want cake.

249
00:09:33,422 --> 00:09:35,433
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,

250
00:09:35,532 --> 00:09:36,817
especially on my birthday.

251
00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:42,556
Um, that's my gift. Open later.

252
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,525
Manny and I share a birthday,

253
00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:48,197
so I always do something
big to get attention.

254
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:49,797
Look! No hands!

255
00:09:49,802 --> 00:09:52,155
- Way to go, kid!
- Bravo, papi!

256
00:09:52,255 --> 00:09:54,167
Hey, guys! Check it out.

257
00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:56,274
Unicycling to my piano lesson.

258
00:09:56,374 --> 00:09:58,714
Wow! We're so proud of you!

259
00:09:58,814 --> 00:09:59,820
Now, that's impressive.

260
00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:01,947
Happy birthday, Joe!

261
00:10:02,047 --> 00:10:04,091
It was!

262
00:10:04,191 --> 00:10:05,773
It goes without saying

263
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,718
I'm the best performer in the family.

264
00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:10,423
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show

265
00:10:10,523 --> 00:10:12,237
so they all start saying it.

266
00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,853
Wait.

267
00:10:13,954 --> 00:10:15,503
It's a talent show?
I-I didn't know that.

268
00:10:15,603 --> 00:10:17,138
It said so on the invitation.

269
00:10:17,173 --> 00:10:18,866
- Mitchell?
- I only skimmed it.

270
00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:19,976
This is a disaster.

271
00:10:20,055 --> 00:10:21,802
We didn't prepare anything!

272
00:10:30,906 --> 00:10:32,980
I can't believe they had
matching vests in their car.

273
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,421
Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry?

274
00:10:35,521 --> 00:10:39,082
Because the President
wants to build a wall!

275
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,391
Ay, yeah, that is very sad.

276
00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:42,676
Sad for me,

277
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:46,437
because I have no money and I am ugly.

278
00:10:46,536 --> 00:10:50,362
For you, he would let you
in because you have money

279
00:10:50,462 --> 00:10:52,341
and you have the boobs.

280
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:55,672
I never thought Uncle
Grumpy would go political.

281
00:10:55,772 --> 00:10:56,828
Hm. Yeah.

282
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,468
I knew I wasn't ready!

283
00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:10,316
Stella, walk in a circle.

284
00:11:10,416 --> 00:11:11,701
Stella, sit.

285
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,153
Bang!

286
00:11:13,252 --> 00:11:14,702
- Ohh.
- Ah. Close, Dad.

287
00:11:14,802 --> 00:11:16,979
No, I taught her to go for the gun.

288
00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:22,089
The banjo scares me ever
since I saw that creepy film.

289
00:11:22,189 --> 00:11:23,474
Wait. What was it called, again?

290
00:11:23,573 --> 00:11:24,628
"Deliverance"?

291
00:11:24,728 --> 00:11:26,524
No... "The Muppet Movie."

292
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,939
He was a three-toed tree toad,
but a two-toed toad was she.

293
00:11:30,039 --> 00:11:31,752
The three-toed tree toad tried to
win the two-toed shetoad's heart,

294
00:11:31,852 --> 00:11:33,171
for the three-toed tree
toad loved the ground

295
00:11:33,271 --> 00:11:34,523
that the two-toed tree toad trod.

296
00:11:34,623 --> 00:11:35,841
"... tree toad trod." And sent.

297
00:11:37,295 --> 00:11:38,313
- Ohh!
- Whoa! Ay!

298
00:11:38,383 --> 00:11:39,700
Stop it!

299
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,317
Fastest thumbs in the West!

300
00:11:57,677 --> 00:11:59,622
As you all know, Sherry and I met

301
00:11:59,722 --> 00:12:02,294
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.

302
00:12:02,394 --> 00:12:05,032
So, we're at a romantic restaurant.

303
00:12:05,132 --> 00:12:06,318
Okay.

304
00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:10,770
That dinner was delicious.

305
00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:12,914
I can't believe you chose this place.

306
00:12:13,015 --> 00:12:14,728
The chef is my ex-boyfriend.

307
00:12:14,828 --> 00:12:16,015
The crazy one?

308
00:12:16,115 --> 00:12:18,126
Yes. He's very jealous,

309
00:12:18,226 --> 00:12:20,170
and I'm scared he did
something to your food.

310
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,357
Oh. Eh...

311
00:12:21,458 --> 00:12:22,874
I am feeling a little funny.

312
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,392
I wish this were a little funny.

313
00:12:24,492 --> 00:12:26,141
Ooh. Ha. Okay. Oh, boy.

314
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,493
Whew!

315
00:12:27,592 --> 00:12:29,043
I-Is this room spinning? I...

316
00:12:29,143 --> 00:12:31,352
- No.
- I was afraid of that.

317
00:12:31,452 --> 00:12:33,627
Well, then I better do
this before it's too late.

318
00:12:34,914 --> 00:12:36,233
And this part is real.

319
00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:38,080
Sherry Shaker,

320
00:12:38,179 --> 00:12:39,894
I used to be a one-man show,

321
00:12:39,994 --> 00:12:42,532
and then you entered from stage left,

322
00:12:42,632 --> 00:12:44,182
and I fell in love.

323
00:12:44,571 --> 00:12:46,332
I want you

324
00:12:46,424 --> 00:12:48,371
to be my scene partner forever.

325
00:12:49,178 --> 00:12:51,734
Darling, let's force
our friends to sit through

326
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:54,373
the rest of our lives together.

327
00:12:56,347 --> 00:12:57,408
Will you marry me?

328
00:12:57,418 --> 00:12:58,529
Oh, my God.

329
00:13:00,338 --> 00:13:01,400
Manny!

330
00:13:02,224 --> 00:13:04,070
No!

331
00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:06,148
Why would you do this?

332
00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:13,549
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.

333
00:13:16,279 --> 00:13:18,844
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.

334
00:13:27,036 --> 00:13:28,504
I still can't believe Sherry said no

335
00:13:28,605 --> 00:13:30,008
and broke up with me.

336
00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:31,677
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.

337
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,483
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.

338
00:13:34,584 --> 00:13:36,220
Whatever happened to "Yes and"?

339
00:13:36,321 --> 00:13:37,555
Jay, I've tried everything.

340
00:13:37,557 --> 00:13:40,194
Please say something to him
that will make him feel better.

341
00:13:40,295 --> 00:13:41,697
Fine.

342
00:13:41,798 --> 00:13:43,534
Kid, let it go.

343
00:13:43,586 --> 00:13:45,055
It was four days ago.

344
00:13:45,156 --> 00:13:47,292
Alright, let's make a wish!

345
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,661
I wish I were dead.

346
00:13:49,764 --> 00:13:50,765
Alright.

347
00:13:51,465 --> 00:13:52,536
There we go.

348
00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:56,211
Haley and I have had this plan for years

349
00:13:56,212 --> 00:13:59,050
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.

350
00:13:59,151 --> 00:14:01,989
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.

351
00:14:02,992 --> 00:14:04,394
Technically, four.

352
00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:09,570
Lemme tell you something, Haley Dunphy.

353
00:14:09,672 --> 00:14:11,908
Do you know how much I admire you?

354
00:14:12,306 --> 00:14:14,881
Do you? So much!

355
00:14:14,983 --> 00:14:17,620
While I was working my butt off,

356
00:14:17,721 --> 00:14:19,390
you were out there having fun!

357
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,027
Not worrying about anything...

358
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:23,432
not school, not work...

359
00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:25,002
not condoms.

360
00:14:25,103 --> 00:14:26,705
Look at you... all preg-a-nant.

361
00:14:28,309 --> 00:14:29,979
Maybe I should have Bill
come get me pregnant.

362
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,114
Ooh.

363
00:14:31,115 --> 00:14:33,652
Then we can be pregnant together!
That would be fun!

364
00:14:33,653 --> 00:14:35,222
Where's my phone?

365
00:14:35,323 --> 00:14:37,627
I'm gonna text him to
come get me pregnant.

366
00:14:37,728 --> 00:14:38,963
You know what?

367
00:14:39,065 --> 00:14:40,692
It's 2000-something.

368
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:42,737
I'm gonna get him pregnant!

369
00:14:43,122 --> 00:14:44,807
I miss drinking.

370
00:14:45,077 --> 00:14:47,565
Unlike some people, I love my birthday.

371
00:14:47,664 --> 00:14:49,596
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.

372
00:14:52,971 --> 00:14:53,986
Oh, yeah. Um, um...

373
00:14:54,085 --> 00:14:55,819
So, um, I thought it would be fun

374
00:14:55,918 --> 00:14:57,326
if we all went around the room

375
00:14:57,425 --> 00:14:58,603
and say what we love about Cam.

376
00:14:58,703 --> 00:14:59,709
- Oh!
- Yeah.

377
00:14:59,809 --> 00:15:02,109
Well, that's out of nowhere,
but if you insist.

378
00:15:02,208 --> 00:15:03,354
Haley, why don't you go first?

379
00:15:03,453 --> 00:15:04,460
Oh, me? Okay.

380
00:15:04,559 --> 00:15:06,792
Well, um... I love Uncle Cam

381
00:15:06,891 --> 00:15:09,053
because he is fun and
dresses with flair.

382
00:15:09,153 --> 00:15:10,265
Oh, my gosh.

383
00:15:11,347 --> 00:15:12,786
And, uh, I love

384
00:15:12,885 --> 00:15:14,359
that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy.

385
00:15:14,458 --> 00:15:15,866
- Awww!
- Ohh!

386
00:15:15,966 --> 00:15:17,069
Oh, also, I love that you guys
were the first ones

387
00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:19,987
to find out I was pregnant
and you never judged me.

388
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,524
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

389
00:15:21,623 --> 00:15:23,718
I thought we all found
out at the same time.

390
00:15:23,817 --> 00:15:25,094
Oh, Well...

391
00:15:25,194 --> 00:15:26,895
Mitchell, you knew she was
pregnant and you didn't tell me?

392
00:15:26,995 --> 00:15:28,565
I didn't think it was my place.

393
00:15:28,665 --> 00:15:30,204
Anyway, who's next?

394
00:15:30,303 --> 00:15:31,808
"What I love about Cam is..."

395
00:15:31,908 --> 00:15:33,971
I just wish you would
have my back just once.

396
00:15:34,070 --> 00:15:36,067
I don't think she's been using my gift.

397
00:15:38,424 --> 00:15:39,556
Welcome to my world.

398
00:15:39,597 --> 00:15:42,159
At my birthday,
all anyone cared about was weepy Manny

399
00:15:42,194 --> 00:15:43,469
'cause Sherry broke up with him.

400
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:46,123
She has a boyfriend now.

401
00:15:46,949 --> 00:15:49,103
Way to go, Lily. Way to go!

402
00:16:00,831 --> 00:16:02,860
How old are you?

403
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,906
I turn 51 in, uh...

404
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,479
this many days.

405
00:16:07,578 --> 00:16:08,789
Ugh.

406
00:16:08,889 --> 00:16:11,148
My dad had a midlife crisis, too.

407
00:16:11,247 --> 00:16:12,785
I have a hamster at his condo.

408
00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:14,718
No. N-No midlife crisis.

409
00:16:14,817 --> 00:16:17,078
I just think you're...
you're never too old to learn.

410
00:16:18,781 --> 00:16:20,484
Just stay away from my mom.

411
00:16:20,583 --> 00:16:22,318
She has a thing for losers.

412
00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:27,624
Are you okay?
Should we take you to the hospital?

413
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:29,654
Yeah, the contractions are
getting closer together.

414
00:16:29,753 --> 00:16:31,391
No. Dad is next.

415
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,487
I can hold it for a few minutes, okay?

416
00:16:33,586 --> 00:16:35,127
I don't want to screw this up for him.

417
00:16:40,531 --> 00:16:43,478
Yikes. Hate to follow that.

418
00:16:43,577 --> 00:16:45,345
What are you gonna dazzle us with?

419
00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:46,622
"Fur Elise."

420
00:16:46,721 --> 00:16:49,178
In which key... "B" obvious?

421
00:16:49,277 --> 00:16:52,911
Next up,
the only student of mine who shaves.

422
00:16:53,369 --> 00:16:55,008
Phillip Dunphy.

423
00:17:01,658 --> 00:17:02,708
Um...

424
00:17:04,311 --> 00:17:06,897
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things

425
00:17:06,997 --> 00:17:08,699
to take me out of my comfort zone

426
00:17:08,798 --> 00:17:11,058
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family

427
00:17:11,157 --> 00:17:13,744
- for being my biggest cheerleaders.
- Oooooaaaaaah!

428
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:15,132
I love you, too, honey.

429
00:17:15,144 --> 00:17:16,371
No, Haley's going into labor!

430
00:17:16,372 --> 00:17:17,673
We've got to get her
to the hospital, honey!

431
00:17:17,773 --> 00:17:18,885
- Oh!
- I tried to hold it! I'm sorry, Dad!

432
00:17:18,987 --> 00:17:20,851
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everyone!

433
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,588
Convenient.

434
00:17:36,945 --> 00:17:38,366
Yes! Great! Come on!

435
00:17:38,401 --> 00:17:39,744
Great work, honey.

436
00:17:39,779 --> 00:17:41,169
Tell your mom I say hi.

437
00:17:45,624 --> 00:17:47,883
- Dylan!
- Is everything okay?

438
00:17:49,129 --> 00:17:50,143
No.

439
00:17:51,585 --> 00:17:53,026
Everything's amazing.

440
00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:54,729
Why would you say it that way?

441
00:17:54,828 --> 00:17:56,105
Haley's fine.

442
00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:57,611
She was so brave.

443
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,413
And the babies are great!

444
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,150
I can't wait to see them!

445
00:18:01,249 --> 00:18:02,655
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.

446
00:18:02,755 --> 00:18:03,867
I'm gonna go get them now.

447
00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:06,259
Wait, wait. What about the sex?

448
00:18:06,358 --> 00:18:08,159
Doctor says not for six weeks.

449
00:18:11,410 --> 00:18:12,548
Is this the Dunphy suite?

450
00:18:13,629 --> 00:18:15,889
Oh, how's the mommy?

451
00:18:15,989 --> 00:18:18,150
Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.

452
00:18:18,249 --> 00:18:19,250
How you doing, kiddo?

453
00:18:19,329 --> 00:18:21,360
A little tired. I overdid it last night.

454
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:23,553
I don't think he was
talking to you, buddy.

455
00:18:23,652 --> 00:18:24,864
It's overwhelming.

456
00:18:24,964 --> 00:18:26,403
Just feeling so many different emotions.

457
00:18:26,502 --> 00:18:28,304
I'm also doing great.

458
00:18:28,403 --> 00:18:30,596
I have a son and a daughter,

459
00:18:30,695 --> 00:18:32,595
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.

460
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,183
- Aww!
- Oh, what are their names?

461
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,131
We're gonna put a pin in that
until the drugs wear off.

462
00:18:38,230 --> 00:18:41,602
Nobody needs grandchildren
named Pixar and Coachella.

463
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,994
- Ooh.
- Phil, this is for you.

464
00:18:44,093 --> 00:18:46,875
It's a... little early birthday present.

465
00:18:46,976 --> 00:18:49,922
And I admit, this one is are-gift.

466
00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:54,596
"World's Best Grandfather."

467
00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,604
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.

468
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:57,882
You kept it all these years.

469
00:18:57,982 --> 00:19:00,208
Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now.

470
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,402
I don't need it anymore.
I got a new title.

471
00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:04,858
"Great grandma"?

472
00:19:06,105 --> 00:19:07,185
Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one.

473
00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:08,560
Here.

474
00:19:08,659 --> 00:19:10,623
- I'm going to count to three.
- Yeah.

475
00:19:10,722 --> 00:19:12,360
Hey, how was your recital, Phil?

476
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:13,998
Oh, I messed it all up for him.

477
00:19:14,097 --> 00:19:15,373
Sorry about that, Dad.

478
00:19:15,473 --> 00:19:17,829
I-I know that was your
big goal for the year.

479
00:19:17,928 --> 00:19:19,827
I have a better one now.

480
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:21,924
Mi ano fue hermoso.

481
00:19:21,972 --> 00:19:24,086
- Mm.
- My year was beautiful.

482
00:19:24,185 --> 00:19:25,986
"A?o" means "year."

483
00:19:26,085 --> 00:19:28,279
"Ano" means "anus."

484
00:19:29,295 --> 00:19:30,539
Still works.

485
00:19:31,184 --> 00:19:32,635
Hey, everybody.

486
00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:35,092
Ay, where are the babies?
I want to see them.

487
00:19:35,191 --> 00:19:37,287
Thers no easy way to say this.

488
00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,806
Mitch and Cam have a whole
thing they want to do.

489
00:19:41,905 --> 00:19:43,739
Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.

490
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:51,339
Oh, my God! I love it so much!

491
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,158
I can't believe they had
matching robes in their car.

492
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:06,777
They're so beautiful!

493
00:20:09,726 --> 00:20:10,805
Good job.

494
00:20:10,904 --> 00:20:12,835
You're both gonna get dog beds.

495
00:20:15,219 --> 00:20:17,095
- You're next, huh?
- Shh!

496
00:20:17,194 --> 00:20:18,372
Okay. Okay. I'm just saying.

497
00:20:22,631 --> 00:20:24,203
Good job, kid.

498
00:20:34,899 --> 00:20:36,692
Oh, is he still crying?

499
00:20:36,721 --> 00:20:37,795
Yeah, has been for hours.

500
00:20:37,896 --> 00:20:39,231
Wow.

501
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:41,581
I thought he'd cry himself to sleep,
poor little guy.

502
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:42,913
Well, has he eaten anything?

503
00:20:42,949 --> 00:20:44,241
Uh, I fed him an hour ago.

504
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,112
It's amazing how one can be fine

505
00:20:46,213 --> 00:20:47,848
and the other one is so upset.

506
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:49,652
You go up to bed.
I'll check on him one last time.

507
00:20:49,753 --> 00:20:51,222
Thanks, Mom.

508
00:20:51,323 --> 00:20:54,930
There's my big, brave boy.

509
00:20:55,031 --> 00:20:57,801
- Sherry booked a toothpaste commercial.
- Uh-huh.

510
00:20:57,802 --> 00:20:59,772
I'm going to have to
see that beautiful smile

511
00:20:59,873 --> 00:21:01,042
all the time!

512
00:21:01,143 --> 00:21:02,344
Mm.

513
00:21:02,445 --> 00:21:03,747
There, there. Let it out.

514
00:21:08,394 --> 00:21:10,908
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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