1
00:00:01,791 --> 00:00:03,192
Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me

2
00:00:03,242 --> 00:00:04,844
to pack your bathing suit for the party?

3
00:00:04,868 --> 00:00:06,589
Only if you want to wear it.

4
00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,593
Is that the sass we love
or the backtalk we hate?

5
00:00:08,636 --> 00:00:10,074
- Unclear.
- Yeah.

6
00:00:10,118 --> 00:00:11,789
You know, there's a fine
line between quippy and mean.

7
00:00:11,813 --> 00:00:13,865
I show her "Golden Girls".
It's just not sinking in.

8
00:00:13,908 --> 00:00:15,289
Okay. Honey?

9
00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:17,956
- Honey, it's gonna be fun.
- Longines said lots of kids

10
00:00:17,981 --> 00:00:19,149
- are gonna be there.
- Yeah.

11
00:00:19,192 --> 00:00:21,271
Exactly. I'm not gonna
wear a bathing suit

12
00:00:21,314 --> 00:00:23,318
in front of a bunch of judgy tweens.

13
00:00:23,362 --> 00:00:25,061
Ah.

14
00:00:25,104 --> 00:00:26,163
It's Daddy time.

15
00:00:27,108 --> 00:00:28,459
Now?

16
00:00:28,502 --> 00:00:30,245
Shouldn't we go talk to Lily?

17
00:00:30,289 --> 00:00:31,993
Oh.

18
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,733
- Hey!
- Hey!

19
00:00:34,776 --> 00:00:36,605
Aw, hell.

20
00:00:36,649 --> 00:00:38,653
Honey, what have we always taught you?

21
00:00:38,697 --> 00:00:40,483
Love who you are, as you are.

22
00:00:40,526 --> 00:00:42,661
Yes! Being comfortable in your skin

23
00:00:42,705 --> 00:00:44,534
is the most attractive thing.

24
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,190
I mean, look at us.

25
00:00:46,234 --> 00:00:48,316
We're hardly Christy Turlington
and Naomi Campbell...

26
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,341
Could've picked dudes.

27
00:00:49,370 --> 00:00:51,200
but we know what we have to offer,

28
00:00:51,244 --> 00:00:53,117
and we're proud of it.

29
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,962
Look, it's important
that you go to this party

30
00:00:54,986 --> 00:00:56,733
and you... you feel good
about who you are.

31
00:00:56,777 --> 00:01:00,436
- I mean, you have a gorgeous body.
- No, thank you.

32
00:01:00,479 --> 00:01:02,646
- Yeah, you're a little hottie!
- Pass!

33
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:04,202
I mean, if I were a
cartoon wolf and I saw you,

34
00:01:04,226 --> 00:01:06,028
- my eyes would be like "Aah-ooo-gaa!"
- Stop!

35
00:01:06,052 --> 00:01:08,321
I will go if you never
talk to me like this again.

36
00:01:08,365 --> 00:01:09,541
Hmm.

37
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:25,965
So, Mr. Boss, how did I
do at the open house?

38
00:01:26,009 --> 00:01:27,620
Uh, honestly?

39
00:01:27,664 --> 00:01:30,452
Your vibe was kinda tense
and the staging was so-so.

40
00:01:30,496 --> 00:01:33,415
This is big time, Gloria. You're
not a homemaker anymore.

41
00:01:33,458 --> 00:01:36,377
I need you baking
cookies, fluffing pillows,

42
00:01:36,421 --> 00:01:38,381
being bright and cheery for our guests.

43
00:01:38,425 --> 00:01:42,869
Son of a preacher man!
Someone stole our sign again!

44
00:01:42,912 --> 00:01:46,310
What kind of sick mind messes
with a man's livelihood?

45
00:01:46,354 --> 00:01:48,096
You're kidding. Another one?

46
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:49,447
I'm afraid so, Lindsay.

47
00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:51,102
Who keeps taking our signs?

48
00:01:51,146 --> 00:01:53,280
Don't worry, Sam, we're
going to find out.

49
00:01:53,324 --> 00:01:54,631
Miss, do you have any enemies?

50
00:01:54,674 --> 00:01:56,069
Are you in a blood feud?

51
00:01:56,112 --> 00:01:57,419
Gloria.

52
00:01:57,463 --> 00:01:59,903
Have you recently joined
a political opposition?

53
00:01:59,946 --> 00:02:02,603
I-I-If... If I may... Lindsay,
we're gonna get you a new sign,

54
00:02:02,647 --> 00:02:05,653
um, find out who's doing
this, and put a stop to it.

55
00:02:05,697 --> 00:02:08,049
Okay, G, time to let you in

56
00:02:08,093 --> 00:02:09,879
on the dark underbelly of our business.

57
00:02:09,923 --> 00:02:13,495
Someone is trying to take
money from my pockets,

58
00:02:13,538 --> 00:02:14,802
and I need to find out who.

59
00:02:14,846 --> 00:02:17,241
Do you need me to go and
shake some trees for you?

60
00:02:17,285 --> 00:02:18,941
I did that kind of job in Colombia.

61
00:02:18,984 --> 00:02:21,467
I didn't get paid, but
I got great references,

62
00:02:21,511 --> 00:02:23,340
and my cousin got to keep one ear.

63
00:02:23,384 --> 00:02:26,020
- Oh, I-I-I-I'll handle it.
- Okay.

64
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:27,915
But I do need you to
replace that sign ASAP:

65
00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:30,354
A-A post without a sign
is so humiliating.

66
00:02:30,398 --> 00:02:31,923
Oh, did it sell?

67
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,273
No!

68
00:02:33,317 --> 00:02:34,712
- This is anarchy!
- Oh!

69
00:02:36,192 --> 00:02:37,892
Keep going!

70
00:02:37,935 --> 00:02:40,113
My internship with Phil is almost over.

71
00:02:40,157 --> 00:02:42,858
He said that he would hire
me full time if I did good.

72
00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,777
So, I need to find
who's stealing his signs

73
00:02:45,821 --> 00:02:46,997
to prove my worth.

74
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,131
Luckily, I have a plan.

75
00:02:49,175 --> 00:02:51,963
A couple of weeks ago, Jay
put a tracker thingy on Stella

76
00:02:52,007 --> 00:02:53,662
because she kept getting out.

77
00:02:53,706 --> 00:02:56,232
She was down the block, mooning
over that Chihuahua again.

78
00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:57,670
I mean, what does she see in him?

79
00:02:57,714 --> 00:02:58,977
He thinks he's so cool

80
00:02:59,021 --> 00:03:01,591
with that dumb handkerchief
around his neck.

81
00:03:01,634 --> 00:03:03,682
I'm going to steal Stella's tracker,

82
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:06,426
and I'm gonna hide it on
the sign to catch the crook.

83
00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:08,693
And then maybe Stella
will get some alone time

84
00:03:08,736 --> 00:03:10,130
with her Chihuahua.

85
00:03:10,173 --> 00:03:11,916
With that pushed-in face,

86
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,705
she could do a lot worse
than a Latin lover.

87
00:03:14,748 --> 00:03:15,968
Here you go, Ms. Dunphy.

88
00:03:16,011 --> 00:03:18,581
Nice and hot, like you like it.

89
00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:20,498
He's nice and hot, like I like it.

90
00:03:20,542 --> 00:03:21,762
- Mom.
- Wow.

91
00:03:21,806 --> 00:03:24,855
No, it's cool. Time's
up for dudes, not us.

92
00:03:24,899 --> 00:03:26,205
I mean, how great is this?

93
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:29,822
The Dunphy ladies crushing
life, having it all.

94
00:03:29,865 --> 00:03:31,802
Okay, take it down a notch.
We know what you're doing.

95
00:03:31,826 --> 00:03:32,958
My mom was trying to show us

96
00:03:33,002 --> 00:03:34,875
how great it is to be a working woman

97
00:03:34,919 --> 00:03:37,271
'cause she knows how torn I
am about leaving my babies.

98
00:03:37,314 --> 00:03:40,625
It's like, oh, it'll break my
heart to be away from them,

99
00:03:40,669 --> 00:03:42,673
but as a feminist,

100
00:03:42,717 --> 00:03:44,765
I want to show those snarky
bitches at the office

101
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,463
how fast my body bounced back.

102
00:03:46,506 --> 00:03:47,683
Mom obviously wants me

103
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,690
to take this big
corporate job offer I got,

104
00:03:50,733 --> 00:03:53,783
but they're all so
corrupt and mercenary.

105
00:03:53,826 --> 00:03:55,874
I want to use science
to improve the world,

106
00:03:55,917 --> 00:03:57,441
like I did in Antarctica.

107
00:03:57,485 --> 00:03:59,663
Back off, you disgusting snow chicken!

108
00:03:59,708 --> 00:04:01,755
Do not with me!

109
00:04:01,799 --> 00:04:04,805
Alex, Antarctica made you miserable,

110
00:04:04,848 --> 00:04:06,722
and, Haley, you were
really blossoming at work.

111
00:04:06,765 --> 00:04:09,858
And I get it, but I regret
not going back to work sooner,

112
00:04:09,902 --> 00:04:11,663
and I don't want you to
resent your children.

113
00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:14,694
- Like you did?
- As was the fashion at the time.

114
00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:16,698
Work.

115
00:04:16,742 --> 00:04:18,179
Everybody needs Claire.

116
00:04:18,222 --> 00:04:19,922
I love it.

117
00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:21,969
Hey, Margaret. What's going on, sweetie?

118
00:04:22,013 --> 00:04:24,104
I'm here with our lawyer.

119
00:04:24,147 --> 00:04:27,197
Apparently, there's been
some kind of a data breach.

120
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,853
She'd like you to swing by.

121
00:04:28,896 --> 00:04:30,944
Well, that's gonna have
to wait till Monday

122
00:04:30,987 --> 00:04:34,167
because I am having lunch
downstairs with my girls.

123
00:04:34,211 --> 00:04:36,825
So, you enjoy your new
hummingbird feeder.

124
00:04:36,869 --> 00:04:38,654
I am loving those pics.

125
00:04:39,788 --> 00:04:41,879
She's a bit of a cautionary tale.

126
00:04:41,922 --> 00:04:44,666
Haley, you have to admit it feels good

127
00:04:44,711 --> 00:04:47,106
to put on nice clothes
and get out in the world

128
00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:49,895
and not have anyone pawing
at your boobs for two seconds.

129
00:04:49,938 --> 00:04:51,549
Oh, God, yes!

130
00:04:51,593 --> 00:04:53,336
Dylan is really going through something.

131
00:04:53,379 --> 00:04:54,861
I think he might be regressing.

132
00:04:54,905 --> 00:04:55,907
To what?

133
00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:59,915
And, Alex, I know what that
company is offering you.

134
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,788
Doesn't it feel nice to be wanted?

135
00:05:01,832 --> 00:05:05,012
Of course it does, but I
don't want to sell out.

136
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:08,933
There is nothing wrong
with taking care of Alex first.

137
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,980
Hey, you can save the
world on the weekends

138
00:05:11,024 --> 00:05:13,028
with all the money you're gonna make.

139
00:05:15,032 --> 00:05:17,036
- Sing it with me.
- We don't know what that is.

140
00:05:19,214 --> 00:05:20,870
Are you making this up?

141
00:05:22,218 --> 00:05:23,701
Sorry to interrupt.

142
00:05:23,745 --> 00:05:24,921
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.

143
00:05:24,965 --> 00:05:26,882
I need to borrow your mom for a bit.

144
00:05:26,925 --> 00:05:28,973
Okay.

145
00:05:29,016 --> 00:05:32,675
So, you know how our smart
closets have scanning cameras

146
00:05:32,719 --> 00:05:34,876
- so people can try on clothes virtually?
- Uh-huh.

147
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,639
Apparently, we have
been recording people

148
00:05:36,683 --> 00:05:37,991
without their knowledge.

149
00:05:38,034 --> 00:05:39,341
Or their clothes.

150
00:05:39,384 --> 00:05:40,997
Oh, my God.

151
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,088
I have one of those closets.

152
00:05:43,131 --> 00:05:45,745
Oh. I-I talk sexy to
the mirror in there.

153
00:05:45,789 --> 00:05:47,226
What if those movies get out?

154
00:05:47,270 --> 00:05:49,361
I can't have my mother seeing them.

155
00:05:49,404 --> 00:05:51,147
- Okay, hang on.
- Mm-hmm.

156
00:05:51,191 --> 00:05:53,282
Hey, girls, I'm gonna be back in a sec.

157
00:05:53,325 --> 00:05:55,940
I'm just gonna run upstairs and
sing "Happy Birthday" to Josie.

158
00:05:55,983 --> 00:05:57,377
Just make her day.

159
00:05:57,420 --> 00:05:59,904
God, work is so rewarding.

160
00:05:59,948 --> 00:06:01,821
I almost forgot what her face looks like

161
00:06:01,865 --> 00:06:03,026
when she's telling the truth.

162
00:06:03,050 --> 00:06:04,052
Yeah.

163
00:06:04,743 --> 00:06:06,134
Come on, Manny!

164
00:06:06,177 --> 00:06:07,338
Where the hell's your mother?

165
00:06:08,879 --> 00:06:10,577
That's what you're wearing to my club?

166
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:11,972
I'm headed right for the spa,

167
00:06:12,015 --> 00:06:14,106
and their robes stink
like old rich guys...

168
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:15,762
cigars, Scotch,

169
00:06:15,805 --> 00:06:18,158
and the panicked sweat
of impending irrelevance.

170
00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:19,770
Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

171
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:20,974
Hola!

172
00:06:21,078 --> 00:06:23,865
Finally, she's here! Hurry!
We're gonna be late!

173
00:06:23,909 --> 00:06:25,630
I am sorry. I'm only
here for a few seconds.

174
00:06:25,674 --> 00:06:27,403
- I have to go back to work.
- Again?

175
00:06:27,446 --> 00:06:29,615
Jay, I finally found a job that I love.

176
00:06:29,658 --> 00:06:32,055
That's why I've been humping my bust.

177
00:06:32,099 --> 00:06:34,221
- Is that the right way...
- No. No. No, no. It's not.

178
00:06:34,245 --> 00:06:37,109
I promise you, I am all
yours this afternoon.

179
00:06:37,152 --> 00:06:39,853
- Eh.
- Stella, mama!

180
00:06:39,897 --> 00:06:42,380
You're gonna take good
care of my boys, right?

181
00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:45,038
You're gonna take good care.

182
00:06:45,081 --> 00:06:46,083
Don't patronize her.

183
00:06:46,127 --> 00:06:48,131
Be a constant presence in her life

184
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,091
or you'll stoke her abandonment issues.

185
00:06:50,135 --> 00:06:51,485
Gloria's been working a ton,

186
00:06:51,528 --> 00:06:54,012
so I've been picking up the
slack at home, which is fine.

187
00:06:54,056 --> 00:06:57,497
It's just, even when she's here,
she's not here.

188
00:06:57,540 --> 00:06:59,262
Guess what happened today.

189
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,503
So, I'm at the park with Joe.

190
00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:03,248
Now, you know all the nannies
think that Dakota's mom

191
00:07:03,291 --> 00:07:05,165
and Luca's dad are
"twisting the sheets"?

192
00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:09,608
Well, this morning, they came
together, sipping coffees,

193
00:07:09,651 --> 00:07:11,481
leaning up against the jungle gym,

194
00:07:11,525 --> 00:07:13,181
giggling like it's nothing.

195
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,946
Now, they had to know
what that looked like.

196
00:07:14,971 --> 00:07:17,493
Ay, my little busy bee.

197
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,977
Tell me when dinner is
ready. You're the best.

198
00:07:21,501 --> 00:07:23,070
Why, yes, Gloria.

199
00:07:23,114 --> 00:07:25,509
This is a new track suit.
Thanks for noticing.

200
00:07:25,553 --> 00:07:27,339
It's not that hard.

201
00:07:27,383 --> 00:07:29,853
Oh, it's so hot. I can't
wait to jump in that pool.

202
00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:32,132
- I never said I'd get in the pool.
- Okay, Lily, stop.

203
00:07:32,175 --> 00:07:33,961
You are an exotic Vietnamese beauty.

204
00:07:34,005 --> 00:07:35,462
Scarlett Johansson would
play you in a movie

205
00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:37,142
until Twitter told her she couldn't.

206
00:07:37,185 --> 00:07:38,947
Doesn't matter what
other people think of us.

207
00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:40,913
- It matters what we think of ourselves.
- Right.

208
00:07:40,937 --> 00:07:43,328
Oh. Great.

209
00:07:43,371 --> 00:07:44,973
It's all gays. I can do whatever I want.

210
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,001
- I'm invisible.
- Aah!

211
00:07:48,164 --> 00:07:49,950
I'm okay!

212
00:07:49,993 --> 00:07:51,946
Hey, girl, hey. Hey, girl, hey.

213
00:07:51,989 --> 00:07:53,191
Wait, what's going on?
I thought you said

214
00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:54,754
there were gonna be kids at this party.

215
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:55,962
No, I said young people.

216
00:07:56,005 --> 00:07:57,269
Look at the pool.

217
00:07:57,312 --> 00:07:59,534
It's boy soup.

218
00:07:59,577 --> 00:08:01,233
I like me some eye candy.

219
00:08:01,277 --> 00:08:03,368
Okay, well, we like actual candy.

220
00:08:03,411 --> 00:08:04,434
Okay, we... we can't take

221
00:08:04,459 --> 00:08:06,200
- our shirts off at this smoke show.
- Yeah.

222
00:08:06,243 --> 00:08:09,031
Calm down. You aren't even
close to the oldest ones here.

223
00:08:09,075 --> 00:08:10,295
Look.

224
00:08:10,338 --> 00:08:11,427
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God.

225
00:08:11,471 --> 00:08:13,431
- I was feeling...
- Well, I guess that...

226
00:08:13,475 --> 00:08:15,435
- Mm.
- Okay, my grandma was right.

227
00:08:15,479 --> 00:08:16,857
I ended up in Hell.

228
00:08:17,887 --> 00:08:19,448
I thought about which of my competitors

229
00:08:19,472 --> 00:08:21,046
might want to take me down,

230
00:08:21,145 --> 00:08:24,219
and I kept coming back to one guy...

231
00:08:24,262 --> 00:08:26,092
Gil Thorpe.

232
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:27,399
A man tells you enough times

233
00:08:27,443 --> 00:08:29,403
he's gonna "thorpedo" your career,

234
00:08:29,447 --> 00:08:31,843
you start to believe he might
do something "therrible".

235
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:35,328
Well, not this time.

236
00:08:43,344 --> 00:08:44,826
Easy on the pressure there, Albert.

237
00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:47,308
Sorry. It's my first time.

238
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,661
- Dunphy?
- That's right.

239
00:08:49,705 --> 00:08:51,578
Well, look at you... landed on your feet

240
00:08:51,621 --> 00:08:54,453
after the real estate business
chewed you up and spit you out.

241
00:08:54,497 --> 00:08:56,806
It didn't spit me out.
I'm here to scare you.

242
00:08:56,850 --> 00:08:58,505
By Sweeney Todd-ing me?

243
00:08:58,548 --> 00:08:59,899
Don't emasculate my move.

244
00:08:59,943 --> 00:09:01,598
I'm Celie from "The Color Purple".

245
00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:03,166
Now, stay still.

246
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:07,044
I'd hate for you to lose your
head, like I lost my si...

247
00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:08,525
Son of a... Ah! I dropped it.

248
00:09:08,568 --> 00:09:10,747
Where's the blue stuff?

249
00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:12,708
Just admit it.

250
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:14,873
You've been taking the signs
off my house on Sycamore.

251
00:09:14,897 --> 00:09:16,671
Phil, I'm gay now.

252
00:09:16,716 --> 00:09:18,850
Between pumping iron
and bummin' out my dad,

253
00:09:18,894 --> 00:09:20,767
I don't have time for our petty rivalry.

254
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:24,121
But if you ask me,

255
00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:25,951
this stunt's got Sue Liu
written all over it.

256
00:09:25,995 --> 00:09:28,740
Sue Liu.

257
00:09:28,783 --> 00:09:30,220
Are you done?

258
00:09:30,264 --> 00:09:31,396
I have a showing at 10:00.

259
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,096
Hello, Sue Liu.

260
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,315
Phil.

261
00:09:34,359 --> 00:09:35,710
So glad you landed on your feet.

262
00:09:35,754 --> 00:09:37,714
I'm still a Realtor!

263
00:09:40,589 --> 00:09:42,549
Son of a bitch. Can one thing go my way?

264
00:09:42,593 --> 00:09:43,770
Penny for your thoughts?

265
00:09:43,813 --> 00:09:45,616
Why? It'd just be my penny anyway.

266
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:46,732
Obviously you're hurt

267
00:09:46,776 --> 00:09:48,605
because Mom's been
neglecting you lately.

268
00:09:48,648 --> 00:09:50,914
- Can I give you a little advice?
- Nope.

269
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,701
- Please don't ice her.
- I'm gonna ice her.

270
00:09:52,744 --> 00:09:53,983
Jay, you're just gonna make things worse

271
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:55,066
if you act like a child.

272
00:09:55,109 --> 00:09:56,272
Hey, I'm a child.

273
00:09:56,316 --> 00:09:59,017
That triggers me and hurts my feelings.

274
00:09:59,061 --> 00:10:00,717
Damn hippie private school.

275
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,504
Who's gonna fight the wars, guys? Who?

276
00:10:03,548 --> 00:10:06,816
Rather than push Mom away,
give her a reason to come home.

277
00:10:06,859 --> 00:10:08,741
For years, women have
been waiting at their door

278
00:10:08,765 --> 00:10:10,300
for their husbands, martini in hand,

279
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:11,826
wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

280
00:10:11,869 --> 00:10:13,306
Maybe it's your turn.

281
00:10:13,350 --> 00:10:15,049
You don't want to see
this in Saran Wrap.

282
00:10:15,093 --> 00:10:17,619
It's a metaphor. Come on.

283
00:10:17,663 --> 00:10:20,538
Do something sweet, and I bet
the whole thing turns around.

284
00:10:20,582 --> 00:10:22,891
Who knows better how to
love my mother, me or you?

285
00:10:22,935 --> 00:10:25,330
You better get a job with
mental-health benefits

286
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,465
before all that bubbles up.

287
00:10:27,508 --> 00:10:28,790
So, what is our legal liability?

288
00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:32,781
- Oh, me?
- You're our lawyer, right?

289
00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:34,305
Right. Well,

290
00:10:34,348 --> 00:10:35,874
still getting updates, but so far,

291
00:10:35,917 --> 00:10:37,679
we know the Peeping Toms were
a couple of our engineers.

292
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,445
Whatever happened to the good old days

293
00:10:39,489 --> 00:10:41,275
when people just drilled
a hole in the wall?

294
00:10:41,319 --> 00:10:42,888
That's the stand you want to take?

295
00:10:42,931 --> 00:10:44,718
We can keep this contained, right?

296
00:10:44,761 --> 00:10:46,546
I mean, our fingerprints aren't on it.

297
00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:49,858
I'm super sorry to do this,
but... activate closet.

298
00:10:49,902 --> 00:10:51,984
Hello, there.

299
00:10:52,008 --> 00:10:53,736
Are you ready to get undressed?

300
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:55,696
Why did I agree to do that?

301
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,141
Stand at the mirror and turn around

302
00:10:57,177 --> 00:10:59,094
so I can assess your body.

303
00:10:59,137 --> 00:11:01,402
I'm basically a porn director.

304
00:11:01,446 --> 00:11:02,578
What do we do?

305
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:05,541
Oh, me again?

306
00:11:05,584 --> 00:11:07,632
Um, gosh, I don't know.

307
00:11:07,676 --> 00:11:09,238
They don't teach you this at Harvard...

308
00:11:09,262 --> 00:11:10,944
- or where I went.
- Mom?

309
00:11:13,819 --> 00:11:15,821
No luck getting people to
sing with you today, huh?

310
00:11:15,845 --> 00:11:16,782
Are you okay?

311
00:11:16,825 --> 00:11:18,186
You seemed stressed when you left.

312
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,643
- No, I'm fine.
- Oh, no!

313
00:11:19,687 --> 00:11:20,746
Not now.

314
00:11:20,790 --> 00:11:22,591
The server with the dirty
pictures got hacked.

315
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,184
They could be anywhere. This is so bad.

316
00:11:24,928 --> 00:11:26,365
Oh, me "not now"?

317
00:11:26,409 --> 00:11:28,108
Hacked dirty pictures?

318
00:11:28,152 --> 00:11:29,415
Mom, what is going on?

319
00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:31,460
Uh, don't answer that. She
could be wearing a wire.

320
00:11:31,503 --> 00:11:32,624
Oh, no. It's just a bad bra.

321
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,033
Oh, my God.

322
00:11:34,077 --> 00:11:35,238
The pictures from our closets

323
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,603
are all over a Russian porn site.

324
00:11:36,646 --> 00:11:39,217
Oh, geez. My mother doesn't
know I have a tattoo.

325
00:11:39,261 --> 00:11:41,063
I knew I shouldn't have
taken a corporate job!

326
00:11:41,087 --> 00:11:43,027
Why didn't I stay home with my babies?

327
00:11:44,184 --> 00:11:47,016
Yeah, you were a bad hire.

328
00:11:47,059 --> 00:11:48,933
Okay, come on.

329
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,618
Why don't we just tell Lily one of
us isn't feeling well and leave?

330
00:11:51,642 --> 00:11:52,678
We can't.

331
00:11:52,723 --> 00:11:55,045
We just took a giant stand
about loving our hideous bodies.

332
00:11:55,069 --> 00:11:56,818
Dads! Get in the pool!

333
00:11:56,862 --> 00:11:58,704
- Oh, my God.
- She's making people look at us.

334
00:11:58,728 --> 00:11:59,948
Okay, yeah, maybe in a sec!

335
00:12:01,131 --> 00:12:02,372
Okay, we have to hide from her.

336
00:12:02,415 --> 00:12:04,377
You have to admit, the
irony of this is delicious.

337
00:12:04,401 --> 00:12:05,661
Yeah, well, look at us.

338
00:12:05,705 --> 00:12:07,621
Apparently we think
everything is delicious.

339
00:12:07,665 --> 00:12:09,027
I'm ashamed of how ashamed we are.

340
00:12:09,051 --> 00:12:10,279
I mean, what other grown men

341
00:12:10,323 --> 00:12:12,414
would be so consumed
by their own vanity?

342
00:12:12,457 --> 00:12:13,765
Ah! Close the door!

343
00:12:13,809 --> 00:12:16,074
They can smell the decay!

344
00:12:16,117 --> 00:12:17,947
It's just Mitch and Cam.

345
00:12:17,991 --> 00:12:20,082
We were afraid you were
one of the beautiful boys.

346
00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:21,446
Please, I've never felt so hairy.

347
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,088
Well, get in line.

348
00:12:23,131 --> 00:12:24,525
This queen only has one trimmer.

349
00:12:24,568 --> 00:12:27,139
How horrible is this party?

350
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:28,882
I'm a skinny little girl with twig arms.

351
00:12:28,926 --> 00:12:30,712
It's all anyone's talking about.

352
00:12:30,755 --> 00:12:32,280
I told some twink by the crudités

353
00:12:32,323 --> 00:12:34,240
that I was swollen from
a kidney transplant.

354
00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:36,942
Well, then you have an excuse.
Let me on that elliptical.

355
00:12:36,985 --> 00:12:39,467
I haven't felt this white since
I loved the movie "Green Book".

356
00:12:39,491 --> 00:12:40,339
Alright, bronzer me.

357
00:12:40,383 --> 00:12:41,745
And I don't want you to be stingy.

358
00:12:41,769 --> 00:12:45,124
I want it everywhere. Everywhere.

359
00:12:46,351 --> 00:12:48,355
I replaced the sign

360
00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:50,839
and attached Stella's
GPS tracker to the back,

361
00:12:50,883 --> 00:12:53,061
and then I headed home to Jay.

362
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:55,762
Hello?

363
00:12:55,805 --> 00:12:57,373
Hey, honey. You get my text?

364
00:12:57,417 --> 00:13:00,946
I did. An eggplant and a peach emoji.

365
00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:02,950
Does that mean what I think it means?

366
00:13:02,994 --> 00:13:04,213
You bet.

367
00:13:04,257 --> 00:13:06,522
I ordered eggplant
Parmesan and peach cobbler.

368
00:13:06,565 --> 00:13:09,049
Yum. I'll be home in a few minutes.

369
00:13:09,093 --> 00:13:10,966
Ay.

370
00:13:11,010 --> 00:13:12,664
- What?
- Eh, nothing.

371
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,538
I have a flat tire.

372
00:13:14,581 --> 00:13:16,455
I'm gonna call A.A. to get it fixed.

373
00:13:16,498 --> 00:13:18,198
No, Triple-A fixes tires.

374
00:13:18,241 --> 00:13:19,810
A.A. is that alcoholic cult,

375
00:13:19,853 --> 00:13:21,901
makes your friends no fun anymore.

376
00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:23,469
I'll come fix the tire.

377
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:24,776
No, no, no, no, no. I'll do it.

378
00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:26,562
This is another work thing, isn't it?

379
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,044
I am losing you!

380
00:13:28,087 --> 00:13:29,655
I am in a tunnel!

381
00:13:29,699 --> 00:13:31,703
There's no tunnels!

382
00:13:31,747 --> 00:13:35,711
I can't believe I even
considered that for you!

383
00:13:35,755 --> 00:13:39,937
Alls I'm saying is the
other families had alibis,

384
00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:43,074
and you wouldn't be the first
mother/son crime duo in history.

385
00:13:43,117 --> 00:13:46,297
I told you, Phil, we
didn't steal your sign.

386
00:13:46,341 --> 00:13:48,040
We slept in this morning.

387
00:13:48,084 --> 00:13:50,044
Mother and I went clubbing last night.

388
00:13:50,088 --> 00:13:51,700
We went looking for a husband

389
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:53,268
but lost ourselves on the dance floor.

390
00:13:53,311 --> 00:13:56,056
Nice try, but I'm not
buying what you're selling.

391
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:58,452
Confess! I can do this all day!

392
00:13:58,495 --> 00:14:00,282
Or...

393
00:14:00,325 --> 00:14:01,632
six more times!

394
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,288
Phil!

395
00:14:03,331 --> 00:14:05,048
I'm tracking the thief
that stole our sign!

396
00:14:05,127 --> 00:14:07,087
Hurry! He's getting away!

397
00:14:09,169 --> 00:14:12,175
I guess this new information
bursts my balloon.

398
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,092
I bid you good day.

399
00:14:14,936 --> 00:14:16,880
Well, somebody should enjoy this.

400
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,361
- I'm hungry.
- Stella!

401
00:14:20,409 --> 00:14:22,108
She's probably down the street

402
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,553
playing with that greasy Chihuahua.

403
00:14:23,577 --> 00:14:24,591
Where'd I go wrong?

404
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:27,118
Why doesn't she know
she deserves better?

405
00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:29,253
I think I have some old
cheese puffs in my room.

406
00:14:29,296 --> 00:14:30,342
Damn it!

407
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:32,202
How'd you get all the way across town?

408
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,304
I'm coming, baby!

409
00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:34,567
I'm coming!

410
00:14:40,972 --> 00:14:43,194
Hey, J... Nah.

411
00:14:45,516 --> 00:14:47,041
Alex, what are you doing?

412
00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,305
Turning down this job

413
00:14:48,348 --> 00:14:50,396
before corporate evil
corrodes my insides.

414
00:14:50,439 --> 00:14:51,640
And I am not leaving my babies

415
00:14:51,664 --> 00:14:53,881
so that I can be this
stressed and miserable.

416
00:14:53,925 --> 00:14:54,927
I'm going to jail.

417
00:14:54,970 --> 00:14:56,210
I signed things without reading them.

418
00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:57,497
What if I helped the pervs?

419
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:58,982
What if I put the gun in their hand?

420
00:14:59,026 --> 00:15:00,828
Doesn't sound like it
was a gun in their hand.

421
00:15:00,852 --> 00:15:02,333
Solid.

422
00:15:02,376 --> 00:15:04,860
Well, it's been a great 40 years.

423
00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:08,998
In the words of my tattoo... peace out.

424
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,566
Well...

425
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:11,874
Margaret!

426
00:15:11,917 --> 00:15:12,961
Oh, it's okay.

427
00:15:12,986 --> 00:15:15,276
- I don't work here anymore.
- Yeah, I'm out, too.

428
00:15:15,301 --> 00:15:16,467
Yeah, I'm not going down with this ship.

429
00:15:16,491 --> 00:15:17,893
No, no, no! Stop! No one's leaving.

430
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,933
We're not gonna let one little misstep

431
00:15:19,977 --> 00:15:22,896
make us forget everything
this company has given us.

432
00:15:22,939 --> 00:15:25,509
I loved being a stay-at-home mom. I did.

433
00:15:25,553 --> 00:15:29,256
But working here has given
me a whole new sense of self.

434
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:30,781
And come on.

435
00:15:30,825 --> 00:15:32,742
One mistake does not make us evil.

436
00:15:32,785 --> 00:15:34,222
We will come clean.

437
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:37,228
We'll recall the product. We'll
do whatever we have to do.

438
00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:41,847
Because under this tech B.S.,
there is a company we love.

439
00:15:41,890 --> 00:15:44,940
Look, we may no longer
make smart closets,

440
00:15:44,983 --> 00:15:47,772
but we sure as hell are
gonna make smart closets.

441
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,256
Looking for a smart outfit?

442
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,999
Maintain eye contact with the mirror

443
00:15:53,043 --> 00:15:54,829
and begin stripping down.

444
00:15:54,873 --> 00:15:56,615
I deeply regret that.

445
00:16:00,231 --> 00:16:02,233
Approaching Stella.

446
00:16:02,257 --> 00:16:03,891
Look! That's him on the bike!

447
00:16:03,934 --> 00:16:04,980
He's going off-road!

448
00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:07,812
Don't worry! I'm gonna catch
this guy or die trying!

449
00:16:07,855 --> 00:16:09,554
I love your enthusiasm.

450
00:16:09,597 --> 00:16:11,920
One note, and... and this might
be a second-language thing,

451
00:16:11,964 --> 00:16:12,979
but when you say "die"...

452
00:16:13,022 --> 00:16:15,348
No, no, no! He's getting away!

453
00:16:17,614 --> 00:16:19,008
Freeze!

454
00:16:19,051 --> 00:16:20,925
Jay?

455
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:23,713
What a ray of light in a dark time.

456
00:16:23,757 --> 00:16:25,717
Shut up, Phil. Where's my dog?

457
00:16:25,761 --> 00:16:28,374
And what are you doing here?
I thought you had a flat tire.

458
00:16:28,418 --> 00:16:31,947
I had to catch the thief that
was stealing Phil's signs,

459
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,953
so I put Stella's tracking thing on it.

460
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,739
What? What if she's down the street

461
00:16:36,783 --> 00:16:38,307
with that over-sexed Chihuahua?

462
00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:41,574
Jay, she needs it, and you
can't be her everything!

463
00:16:41,618 --> 00:16:43,884
Turn around, punk. I
want to see your face.

464
00:16:45,539 --> 00:16:46,933
Sam?

465
00:16:46,977 --> 00:16:49,722
Why are you stealing signs
from your own house?

466
00:16:49,765 --> 00:16:52,945
Oh. You don't want to move.

467
00:16:52,989 --> 00:16:54,862
I don't want to leave my friends.

468
00:16:54,906 --> 00:16:56,561
I get it.

469
00:16:56,604 --> 00:16:58,390
Change is hard.

470
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,179
When I moved to this
country, it was change.

471
00:17:01,222 --> 00:17:04,577
When I got married and moved
to a mainly white neighborhood

472
00:17:04,620 --> 00:17:08,977
with kind of racist lawn
statues, that was change.

473
00:17:09,021 --> 00:17:10,894
But we get to meet new people

474
00:17:10,938 --> 00:17:13,813
and we get to do new
things that we love.

475
00:17:13,857 --> 00:17:15,730
12 years ago, I didn't
know these people,

476
00:17:15,774 --> 00:17:18,430
and now I would kill for them.

477
00:17:18,474 --> 00:17:20,565
You'll find people like that, too.

478
00:17:20,609 --> 00:17:22,264
- I hope you're right.
- I am.

479
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:23,484
So, now let's go.

480
00:17:23,528 --> 00:17:25,450
Put that bike in my car,
and I'll drive you home.

481
00:17:27,972 --> 00:17:30,454
Gloria, that was so terrific.

482
00:17:30,498 --> 00:17:31,587
I know.

483
00:17:31,631 --> 00:17:32,721
I am wonderful!

484
00:17:32,764 --> 00:17:35,508
Why don't you want to hire me?

485
00:17:35,552 --> 00:17:37,948
Because I was worried that
it was a hobby to you,

486
00:17:37,992 --> 00:17:39,735
something to do till you got bored,

487
00:17:39,778 --> 00:17:41,826
but today, you really
showed me something.

488
00:17:41,869 --> 00:17:43,611
- You're giving me the job?
- Yeah.

489
00:17:43,655 --> 00:17:46,966
This means that I'm gonna
have to work more...

490
00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,798
It's fine. If Sam can
handle change, so can I.

491
00:17:49,842 --> 00:17:52,673
Welcome to Dunphy Realty, Ms. Delgado.

492
00:17:52,717 --> 00:17:53,850
Delgado?

493
00:17:53,893 --> 00:17:55,026
That's your working name?

494
00:17:55,069 --> 00:17:57,117
Man, the hits just keep comin'.

495
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,558
Okay, before I do more,
does this look natural?

496
00:18:00,602 --> 00:18:01,996
That's a tricky word

497
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,305
because the color orange
does appear in nature.

498
00:18:04,348 --> 00:18:06,154
Well, there you all are.

499
00:18:06,178 --> 00:18:08,139
Look, I love you, but you are literally

500
00:18:08,182 --> 00:18:10,665
the only six people here I
don't want in my bedroom.

501
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:13,018
Thanks. We weren't feeling
insecure enough already.

502
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:14,673
You know what I think?

503
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,024
You only invited us

504
00:18:16,068 --> 00:18:19,509
because we make you look
like the hot old guy!

505
00:18:19,552 --> 00:18:20,730
Old guy? I'm not old.

506
00:18:20,773 --> 00:18:22,951
Oh, please. Hide that
hairline all you want.

507
00:18:22,995 --> 00:18:25,827
We know what year you danced
on that Paula Abdul tour,

508
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:26,916
and so do they.

509
00:18:26,959 --> 00:18:28,396
Oh, my God.

510
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,139
I'm making a fool out
of myself, aren't I?

511
00:18:30,183 --> 00:18:31,825
Straight up, now tell me.

512
00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:33,493
- Hi, honey.
- Lily!

513
00:18:33,537 --> 00:18:34,539
Hey, girl, hey.

514
00:18:34,582 --> 00:18:36,282
I knew it. You're hiding.

515
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,371
- No, no, no.
- Oh, no, no.

516
00:18:37,414 --> 00:18:39,070
- T-They are, but we're not.
- We're not.

517
00:18:39,114 --> 00:18:41,236
So, I'm supposed to love who
I am, but you guys don't?

518
00:18:41,260 --> 00:18:42,774
Hypocrites.

519
00:18:43,993 --> 00:18:45,867
Tough love time? We dig her.

520
00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:47,784
It comes off a little mean.

521
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,395
She's not mean. She's right.

522
00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:51,922
I mean, why are we so
obsessed with how we look?

523
00:18:51,966 --> 00:18:53,752
So people will have sex with us?

524
00:18:53,796 --> 00:18:56,452
But confidence is the sexiest thing.

525
00:18:56,496 --> 00:18:57,934
That sounds stupid, doesn't it?

526
00:18:57,978 --> 00:18:59,415
I'm sorry.

527
00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:00,766
Look at someone else.

528
00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:02,029
Okay, but you know what?

529
00:19:02,073 --> 00:19:03,772
Confidence is the most important thing.

530
00:19:03,816 --> 00:19:05,820
And look, maybe we've lost
a little of our beauty,

531
00:19:05,863 --> 00:19:07,257
but we have a lot to be proud of.

532
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,697
I-I'm a vice principal, I'm a dad,

533
00:19:09,741 --> 00:19:11,788
I'm the city's first
openly gay football coach.

534
00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:13,923
And... And I'm a state prosecutor.

535
00:19:13,966 --> 00:19:16,579
Ronaldo has a business and a family.

536
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:17,974
And... And Bobby...

537
00:19:18,018 --> 00:19:19,935
I mean, sure, his career's not on fire,

538
00:19:19,978 --> 00:19:21,808
but he looks great, and he's 50.

539
00:19:21,852 --> 00:19:25,206
I'm 37, you wicked old witch!

540
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:27,131
But... But the point...

541
00:19:27,155 --> 00:19:30,095
Hey, the point is, at our age,

542
00:19:30,134 --> 00:19:34,747
we have earned the right to be
comfortable with who we are.

543
00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:37,709
Now, let's get out there,
set good examples

544
00:19:37,753 --> 00:19:40,236
for our children and our
overly pampered pets.

545
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,677
You with me?

546
00:20:18,094 --> 00:20:19,750
The older we get,

547
00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:21,928
the harder it is to keep
up with life's changes.

548
00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:24,934
We hold on to who we once were

549
00:20:24,978 --> 00:20:27,766
like it's the only way
we could be happy.

550
00:20:30,815 --> 00:20:31,856
- Bye, buddy.
- Bye, buddy.

551
00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:33,298
Bye-bye.

552
00:20:33,342 --> 00:20:35,302
But there are huge rewards
when we take risks,

553
00:20:35,346 --> 00:20:38,091
embrace new experiences.

554
00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:40,182
I am a proud middle-aged man.

555
00:20:40,225 --> 00:20:42,927
This is what I look like,
and I think I look sexy!

556
00:20:45,715 --> 00:20:47,370
Am I literally invisible to you people?

557
00:20:50,001 --> 00:20:52,376
- Whew.
- You know, I am so proud of us.

558
00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:53,683
We overcame a lot today.

559
00:20:53,727 --> 00:20:56,210
Yeah, you know, I feel so much
lighter without all that shame.

560
00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:57,816
Although, I-I guess it wouldn't hurt us

561
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,390
if we were actually lighter.

562
00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:01,961
Yeah. I mean, we could exercise
more and both eat better.

563
00:21:02,004 --> 00:21:03,355
It would help if we got rid

564
00:21:03,398 --> 00:21:05,576
of some of these temptations, you know?

565
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:07,799
Like, we don't need three
different kinds of pasta.

566
00:21:07,842 --> 00:21:11,414
Right, and, you know, Parmesan
cheese, heavy cream...

567
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:13,636
I mean, it's just empty
calories and fat.

568
00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:18,143
We're totally making fettuccini
Alfredo, aren't we?

569
00:21:18,167 --> 00:21:20,489
Damn straight. We don't have
another pool party for months.

570
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:22,235
- I'll salt the water.
- I'm gonna get wine.

571
00:21:24,179 --> 00:21:26,208
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