1 00:00:04,492 --> 00:00:05,893 - Hi. - Hey. 2 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:06,995 I don't feel so good. 3 00:00:07,064 --> 00:00:08,799 Aww, what's going on? 4 00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:10,035 Let's see. 5 00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:11,571 Ooh. You are kinda warm. 6 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,874 Maybe get rid of some of these blankets? 7 00:00:15,414 --> 00:00:16,882 Aw, that is cute. 8 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,053 You tried to scare me for Halloween. 9 00:00:19,121 --> 00:00:21,991 How in the world did that not frighten you? 10 00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,862 Some of this is my actual blood. 11 00:00:23,964 --> 00:00:25,632 I nicked myself putting it on! 12 00:00:25,701 --> 00:00:27,903 Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. 13 00:00:27,972 --> 00:00:29,406 It's all about plausibility. 14 00:00:29,508 --> 00:00:30,676 And you were awfully casual 15 00:00:30,778 --> 00:00:32,746 for a guy who just got an ax in the chest. 16 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,249 You know, if you really wanted to scare me, 17 00:00:34,351 --> 00:00:35,886 you should've waited until I opened the closet 18 00:00:35,988 --> 00:00:37,790 and found you hanging by a necktie. 19 00:00:37,892 --> 00:00:39,426 Excuse me! 20 00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:41,063 I killed myself? 21 00:00:41,131 --> 00:00:42,633 Yeah. Totally plausible. 22 00:00:42,735 --> 00:00:44,503 I mean, you've been so happy all these years, 23 00:00:44,571 --> 00:00:46,831 the other shoe is bound to drop, right? 24 00:00:46,866 --> 00:00:49,747 By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing. 25 00:00:50,359 --> 00:00:51,727 It could be, um... 26 00:00:51,829 --> 00:00:53,597 shotgun or poison 27 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:54,933 or a power drill to the eye... 28 00:00:55,036 --> 00:00:56,202 Stop. Stop! 29 00:00:56,271 --> 00:00:57,906 Now you're scaring me. 30 00:00:58,008 --> 00:01:00,310 That's how you do it. 31 00:01:00,413 --> 00:01:01,546 Bam! 32 00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,144 Hey, happy Halloween! 33 00:01:17,246 --> 00:01:18,480 It was until your mother ruined it. 34 00:01:18,582 --> 00:01:19,615 Oh, he's just mad 35 00:01:19,718 --> 00:01:21,553 because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. 36 00:01:21,656 --> 00:01:22,722 I'm tough to scare. 37 00:01:22,825 --> 00:01:23,958 My girlfriend's pregnant. 38 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,327 - No! - Phil. 39 00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:27,888 She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. 40 00:01:27,923 --> 00:01:29,402 - But good one. - Dad, I'm sorry. 41 00:01:29,504 --> 00:01:31,606 I don't have time to drop this off for you again. 42 00:01:31,709 --> 00:01:33,376 Ida Mae Mann? 43 00:01:33,479 --> 00:01:34,512 Aww! 44 00:01:34,514 --> 00:01:35,782 Isn't that that lonely little lady 45 00:01:35,884 --> 00:01:37,184 that sits up in her window? 46 00:01:37,286 --> 00:01:38,296 He always makes me deliver 47 00:01:38,355 --> 00:01:39,656 his neighborhood association stuff 48 00:01:39,758 --> 00:01:41,025 because he's afraid of her. 49 00:01:41,128 --> 00:01:42,194 That's crazy! 50 00:01:42,296 --> 00:01:44,031 I go by that house all the time. 51 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:48,273 Not hot, Phil. 52 00:01:49,879 --> 00:01:51,780 Fine! She's creepy! 53 00:01:51,883 --> 00:01:53,851 She sits in that window like a store cat. 54 00:01:53,953 --> 00:01:55,120 Okay. 55 00:01:55,222 --> 00:01:56,857 I'll drop it off on the way to dinner with Bill. 56 00:01:56,959 --> 00:01:58,360 He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00. 57 00:01:58,462 --> 00:02:01,332 Whoa. I'm going to Buon Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice. 58 00:02:01,434 --> 00:02:02,601 Ew! I don't want to watch you 59 00:02:02,704 --> 00:02:04,305 run your discount body-spray game on her. 60 00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:05,708 Change your reservation to later. 61 00:02:05,810 --> 00:02:06,877 I can't. 62 00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:08,046 She has to eat four hours before bed 63 00:02:08,148 --> 00:02:09,248 because of the reflux. 64 00:02:09,350 --> 00:02:10,919 - You change. - No! 65 00:02:11,021 --> 00:02:13,089 We're going out after to see "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," 66 00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:14,726 which I can't believe I agreed to. 67 00:02:14,828 --> 00:02:17,464 Ooh, that sounds like fun. I've never seen that movie. 68 00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,703 Can you believe that? Me, of all people. 69 00:02:19,805 --> 00:02:20,872 Uh, then we're going. 70 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,709 You think you can't be scared anymore? 71 00:02:22,811 --> 00:02:25,047 That's the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. 72 00:02:25,149 --> 00:02:26,249 Great, bring it. 73 00:02:26,351 --> 00:02:28,253 I look forward to being scared. 74 00:02:28,355 --> 00:02:29,446 I'm pregnant? 75 00:02:30,059 --> 00:02:31,144 Phil! 76 00:02:35,402 --> 00:02:36,971 Oh! Did you get the costumes? 77 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:38,908 Yeah, I... I didn't have a lot of time, 78 00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,778 so I had to steal something from work. 79 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,214 Please don't... 80 00:02:42,316 --> 00:02:43,550 judge. 81 00:02:43,653 --> 00:02:45,187 Okay, that's not a bad start. 82 00:02:45,289 --> 00:02:48,293 I think I can work with this, yes. 83 00:02:48,395 --> 00:02:49,997 Lily, my pins! 84 00:02:50,099 --> 00:02:52,034 We are so excited for Halloween. 85 00:02:52,136 --> 00:02:53,370 You know, for the first time in years, 86 00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:54,538 we're gonna get a little cray 87 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,744 and go to the big gay Halloween carnival, 88 00:02:56,846 --> 00:02:59,148 like we used to when we were young and childless... 89 00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,852 And people still said "cray." 90 00:03:00,954 --> 00:03:03,791 We... We've always had Lily with us in the past, 91 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:06,429 but we are on a crusade to make her more independent, 92 00:03:06,531 --> 00:03:09,703 so when she got an invite to a party, we sort of, uh... 93 00:03:09,805 --> 00:03:11,105 - RSVP'd for her. - Yeah. 94 00:03:11,622 --> 00:03:13,143 But you know what? It's gonna be good for her 95 00:03:13,245 --> 00:03:14,545 to socialize with people her age, 96 00:03:14,648 --> 00:03:16,516 and good for us to socialize with people 97 00:03:16,618 --> 00:03:17,685 - Half our age. - Half our age. 98 00:03:17,853 --> 00:03:18,854 Okay. 99 00:03:18,956 --> 00:03:20,557 Mitchell... 100 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,827 Judge... 101 00:03:21,929 --> 00:03:22,929 Judy. 102 00:03:22,931 --> 00:03:23,964 Your talent... 103 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,868 It's like you were touched by a gay-ngel. 104 00:03:25,970 --> 00:03:27,471 And you said we would never wear 105 00:03:27,573 --> 00:03:29,676 the groomsmen shoes from Pepper's wedding again. 106 00:03:32,201 --> 00:03:33,918 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a second, young lady. 107 00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:35,888 W-We're very happy you're going to this party tonight, 108 00:03:35,990 --> 00:03:38,928 but, uh, isn't this costume a little, uh, suggestive? 109 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:41,165 This is my actual cheerleading outfit. 110 00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,136 You guys know I'm doing that, right? 111 00:03:43,238 --> 00:03:44,639 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. Totally. 112 00:03:44,742 --> 00:03:46,275 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Totally. 113 00:03:46,378 --> 00:03:47,979 We should have known that, right? 114 00:03:50,219 --> 00:03:51,452 Oh, Joe, you're home early? 115 00:03:51,554 --> 00:03:52,655 I got a surprise for... 116 00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:54,047 Oh. Manny. 117 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:56,129 Look, I know you breastfed until you could stand, 118 00:03:56,231 --> 00:03:57,966 but aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? 119 00:03:58,068 --> 00:03:59,201 This isn't for Halloween. 120 00:03:59,303 --> 00:04:01,339 I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show 121 00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,944 "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again." 122 00:04:04,046 --> 00:04:05,815 I've saved you four seats, but if you need more... 123 00:04:05,917 --> 00:04:07,017 No, four's good. 124 00:04:07,119 --> 00:04:08,219 So, what's the surprise? 125 00:04:08,321 --> 00:04:09,522 Well, it's kind of a Joe thing. 126 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,627 You know, he's out trick-or-treating with his friends. 127 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,363 I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him. 128 00:04:13,465 --> 00:04:16,068 Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, 129 00:04:16,171 --> 00:04:17,872 perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle 130 00:04:17,974 --> 00:04:19,074 your own father perpetuated on... 131 00:04:19,177 --> 00:04:20,912 You know, one ticket's gonna be good enough. 132 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,851 Is it cold in here, or is it just me 133 00:04:23,953 --> 00:04:26,824 because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"? 134 00:04:26,926 --> 00:04:28,961 Why aren't you wearing your costume? 135 00:04:29,063 --> 00:04:30,798 Let it go, Gloria. Let it go. 136 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:33,269 But you said that since Joe was out with Devon's family 137 00:04:33,371 --> 00:04:35,675 that we were going to do something fun together. 138 00:04:35,777 --> 00:04:37,544 Yes, fun. Have a Scotch, 139 00:04:37,647 --> 00:04:40,450 put that mutant spider costume on Stella... 140 00:04:40,552 --> 00:04:43,289 Fine, I'll go meet Mitch and Cam by myself. 141 00:04:43,391 --> 00:04:44,793 But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction 142 00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:46,162 when I give him my big surprise! 143 00:04:46,264 --> 00:04:47,932 It's just a candy bar! 144 00:04:48,903 --> 00:04:51,840 18 months ago, in an underreported news event, 145 00:04:51,942 --> 00:04:54,044 NagaSnacki Food Solutions 146 00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:57,184 discontinued the greatest candy bar of all time. 147 00:04:57,286 --> 00:04:58,754 The Fudgy Duddy. 148 00:04:58,856 --> 00:05:00,725 After an exhaustive search... 149 00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:02,194 One Googling. 150 00:05:02,296 --> 00:05:04,833 I tracked down this beauty. 151 00:05:04,935 --> 00:05:08,941 Now my son can experience the kind of quality confection 152 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,544 our generation grew up with. 153 00:05:10,647 --> 00:05:11,847 "Our"? 154 00:05:11,949 --> 00:05:14,719 I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer. 155 00:05:15,486 --> 00:05:18,059 Something horrible happened to me last weekend. 156 00:05:18,161 --> 00:05:20,330 I'll just have the... 157 00:05:20,432 --> 00:05:21,465 seafood salad. 158 00:05:21,568 --> 00:05:23,069 Very good. And for your husband? 159 00:05:24,173 --> 00:05:25,875 Oh, no, no. He's my husband. 160 00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,879 That's what he said. 161 00:05:27,981 --> 00:05:30,283 The day I have dreaded finally came... 162 00:05:30,385 --> 00:05:34,058 People assume that I am Jay's... 163 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,594 wife. 164 00:05:35,697 --> 00:05:37,064 You kids have fun! 165 00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:38,934 Manny. What are you doing? 166 00:05:39,036 --> 00:05:40,303 Saving your house from being egged. 167 00:05:40,405 --> 00:05:41,505 You're all out of treats. 168 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,076 Luckily I found a candy bar to give away. 169 00:05:43,178 --> 00:05:44,244 Oh, no. 170 00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:45,781 My Fudgy Duddy's gone! 171 00:05:45,883 --> 00:05:47,084 Nobody move! 172 00:05:48,069 --> 00:05:52,182 Hello there. Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." 173 00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,417 Sorry, that sold out weeks ago. 174 00:05:54,610 --> 00:05:58,016 Which should've been updated on our website, Bernard! 175 00:05:58,778 --> 00:06:00,355 But we still have seats 176 00:06:00,356 --> 00:06:02,308 for that super scary Japanese film. 177 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,861 - Yes! - Uh, pause. 178 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:05,932 How scary? How Japanese? 179 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,570 I think the literal translation is 180 00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:10,742 "Make Dead with Old-Face Baby." 181 00:06:10,810 --> 00:06:12,111 - Two, please. - No, um... 182 00:06:12,179 --> 00:06:14,081 Come on, honey, you promised me a good scare. 183 00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:15,250 This'll be fun! 184 00:06:15,252 --> 00:06:16,552 - Okay. - Okay. 185 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:18,390 No! 186 00:06:20,462 --> 00:06:21,797 How you doing? 187 00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:23,433 Great. I'm so scared. 188 00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:24,568 Aah. 189 00:06:24,638 --> 00:06:26,138 Don't patronize me. 190 00:06:26,174 --> 00:06:28,142 You don't think I can tell when you're faking it? 191 00:06:28,211 --> 00:06:31,214 "Oh, Phil, mmm. It's so good." 192 00:06:31,217 --> 00:06:33,085 I know you hated my gumbo. 193 00:06:34,456 --> 00:06:36,158 Uh, excuse me. 194 00:06:36,227 --> 00:06:38,964 Hey. Uh, I'm having a hard time in there. 195 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,001 I... I came to see a movie I'd already seen. 196 00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:43,105 Knew where all the jump scares were. 197 00:06:43,174 --> 00:06:45,911 Could you tell me where the big ones are for this one? 198 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,854 Sorry, dude. Haven't seen it. 199 00:06:48,628 --> 00:06:50,586 - I have. - Ohhhh! God. 200 00:06:53,691 --> 00:06:54,958 It's okay. 201 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,695 He's behind the door. 202 00:06:56,798 --> 00:06:58,131 He's behind the door. 203 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,335 He's behind the... Aah! 204 00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:05,171 Something is wrong with you! 205 00:07:06,376 --> 00:07:08,979 Wow. This place has changed. 206 00:07:09,081 --> 00:07:10,850 It used to be so much... 207 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,052 gayer. 208 00:07:12,154 --> 00:07:14,123 Straight people always take our best stuff. 209 00:07:14,191 --> 00:07:16,360 First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing. 210 00:07:16,429 --> 00:07:18,398 Oh, hey... hey, Norm! Hey, Denise! 211 00:07:18,466 --> 00:07:20,034 Hey, girlfriends! 212 00:07:20,137 --> 00:07:21,872 I... don't think we can say that. 213 00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:23,007 You can't. Yeah. 214 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,078 Wait. I-I-Isn't Lily at a party at your house? 215 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:27,182 - Yeah. - That you're chaperoning? 216 00:07:27,251 --> 00:07:29,253 That was the plan, but then a bunch of older kids showed up, 217 00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:31,056 so we figured they'd be fine. 218 00:07:31,575 --> 00:07:33,043 Bye, bitches! 219 00:07:33,145 --> 00:07:34,680 It's okay. I'm a girl. 220 00:07:34,782 --> 00:07:36,851 Okay, older kids, no adults. 221 00:07:36,953 --> 00:07:38,587 Okay, where are we on the panic scale? 222 00:07:38,657 --> 00:07:40,258 - Um... - There you are. 223 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:41,928 Thank you for saving me from a night 224 00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:45,301 of listening to Jay talk about his Fudgy Buddy. 225 00:07:45,370 --> 00:07:48,708 Sorry. We just found out Lily is at an unsupervised party. 226 00:07:48,710 --> 00:07:51,607 Oh, do you want me to check her Insta? 227 00:07:51,927 --> 00:07:53,416 Lily... Lily has Insta? 228 00:07:53,518 --> 00:07:54,585 You have Insta? 229 00:07:54,655 --> 00:07:56,824 What, you think I'm too old to have Insta? 230 00:07:56,892 --> 00:07:58,828 Okay, I-I want to hear all about what you're going through, 231 00:07:58,896 --> 00:07:59,930 right after we figure out... 232 00:07:59,998 --> 00:08:01,867 - I found her! - Okay. 233 00:08:01,936 --> 00:08:03,369 - And looks like she's having fun. - Okay. 234 00:08:03,472 --> 00:08:04,906 Who is this cute boy next to her? 235 00:08:05,008 --> 00:08:06,342 Can you turn it ar... 236 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,546 Okay, that's Garth. I... I've never trusted him. 237 00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:10,417 I saw him buying deodorant when he was 9. 238 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:11,714 Is that a beer? 239 00:08:12,256 --> 00:08:13,691 Okay, I'm... Don't just stand there! 240 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,427 - I'm going to call her! - Call her! 241 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:16,797 Ay. 242 00:08:16,799 --> 00:08:19,736 I didn't think it was gonna be so cold tonight. 243 00:08:19,938 --> 00:08:21,472 I'm sorry if I seem off. 244 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:23,009 It's just that lately, 245 00:08:23,077 --> 00:08:25,513 people have been mistaking me for a much older... 246 00:08:26,952 --> 00:08:28,854 Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost? 247 00:08:28,922 --> 00:08:30,123 I can't find my friends. 248 00:08:30,225 --> 00:08:32,027 Let me help you. 249 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,764 Oh, what a nice young man. 250 00:08:39,242 --> 00:08:40,877 Get off me! 251 00:08:40,946 --> 00:08:43,415 Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence? 252 00:08:43,517 --> 00:08:45,152 It represents delicious chocolate. 253 00:08:45,221 --> 00:08:46,723 You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man? 254 00:08:46,825 --> 00:08:47,825 I'm sure. 255 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,194 You know, it's also hard to ignore 256 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,131 that this object you seek has a phallic shape... 257 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,703 Why did I talk you out of that mime major? 258 00:08:53,805 --> 00:08:55,005 Spidey... 11:00. 259 00:08:55,107 --> 00:08:56,842 Spider-Man! Hold up! 260 00:08:56,944 --> 00:08:59,313 I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool. 261 00:08:59,382 --> 00:09:00,963 It's a totally different character. 262 00:09:01,053 --> 00:09:02,319 Look, before I realized 263 00:09:02,388 --> 00:09:04,056 it was a symbol of this man's mortality, 264 00:09:04,158 --> 00:09:05,893 I accidentally gave you some candy bar... 265 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,931 Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy. 266 00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:09,901 Look, you kids should know about this. 267 00:09:09,970 --> 00:09:12,005 There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, 268 00:09:12,108 --> 00:09:14,677 first time on TV a girl touched a baseball. 269 00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:16,711 It's got a red and blue wrapper with a... 270 00:09:16,814 --> 00:09:17,914 Oh, yeah, I remember. 271 00:09:17,916 --> 00:09:19,149 It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom. 272 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:20,953 She just left to go to that festival 273 00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,496 - in West Hollywood. - Describe her. 274 00:09:22,524 --> 00:09:24,526 She's kind of shy, loves animals... 275 00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:25,929 No, her costume. 276 00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:28,067 Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart. 277 00:09:28,136 --> 00:09:30,338 Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner. 278 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,408 - Come with me. I need you. - For emotional support? 279 00:09:32,511 --> 00:09:33,712 Carpool lane! 280 00:09:35,818 --> 00:09:37,485 I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but... 281 00:09:37,587 --> 00:09:39,657 I really love hooking up with you. 282 00:09:39,726 --> 00:09:42,328 Well, I hate to think I'm pulling you away from some Halloween fun. 283 00:09:42,430 --> 00:09:45,501 You know, partying with your more... youthful friends. 284 00:09:45,570 --> 00:09:47,404 Hush, silly Janice. 285 00:09:47,423 --> 00:09:49,793 If I was interested in youthful things, 286 00:09:49,862 --> 00:09:51,229 would I be here with you? 287 00:09:52,166 --> 00:09:55,751 Aww, babe. You have no idea how much I've missed you. 288 00:09:55,786 --> 00:09:57,837 I think I have some idea. 289 00:09:58,562 --> 00:10:00,865 Bill's been away fighting a forest fire for weeks. 290 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,902 He called me once to say he missed me, 291 00:10:02,971 --> 00:10:05,140 so I sent him a pic of me in a cute outfit. 292 00:10:05,209 --> 00:10:08,546 I expected "wow" or a fire emoji. 293 00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:10,704 Instead I got... 294 00:10:10,807 --> 00:10:12,374 "Send more boobs"? 295 00:10:12,476 --> 00:10:14,712 I'm not mad, but I don't want to make it a habit 296 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,549 of sending... nudes. 297 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,553 Wait. You actually sent boob pics? 298 00:10:18,656 --> 00:10:21,158 Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale? 299 00:10:21,227 --> 00:10:22,550 This isn't my number, Alex. 300 00:10:22,585 --> 00:10:24,031 It's the one you called from. 301 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,466 Because my phone died. 302 00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:27,203 So I borrowed Creepy Craig's. 303 00:10:27,305 --> 00:10:28,339 Wait. 304 00:10:28,408 --> 00:10:31,381 You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo? 305 00:10:31,416 --> 00:10:32,514 Alex! 306 00:10:32,582 --> 00:10:35,153 Oh, my God! There's, like, 11? 307 00:10:35,221 --> 00:10:36,923 Well, you... 308 00:10:37,092 --> 00:10:38,660 He kept asking! 309 00:10:38,728 --> 00:10:40,997 You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig? 310 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,266 I don't know Creepy Craig! 311 00:10:42,368 --> 00:10:44,237 Well, he knows you! 312 00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:46,943 You really think I would disrespect you like that? 313 00:10:47,011 --> 00:10:49,247 - What else did "I" ask for? - Oh, don't. 314 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,975 Oh, my God. Are you outside? 315 00:10:52,010 --> 00:10:53,122 You know, I've always worried 316 00:10:53,190 --> 00:10:54,758 that maybe we were just too different, 317 00:10:54,827 --> 00:10:57,996 but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing 318 00:10:58,031 --> 00:11:01,908 "Do butt now... Hit with magazine"? 319 00:11:02,174 --> 00:11:03,608 You know what? 320 00:11:03,677 --> 00:11:05,445 This isn't working, Alex. 321 00:11:05,547 --> 00:11:06,648 No, wait! 322 00:11:06,650 --> 00:11:08,685 Can you at least ask Craig to delete those? 323 00:11:08,788 --> 00:11:10,756 I think you know how to reach him! 324 00:11:10,825 --> 00:11:12,927 Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief 325 00:11:13,029 --> 00:11:14,396 for one lifetime. 326 00:11:14,498 --> 00:11:15,591 I'm ready for this now. 327 00:11:15,668 --> 00:11:17,369 You are such a mature person. 328 00:11:17,438 --> 00:11:20,075 I can't even imagine you as a wild child. 329 00:11:20,177 --> 00:11:21,187 Oh, yeah. 330 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,747 Five years ago, we hit this one house. 331 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,483 The family was always calling the cops on us 332 00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:25,686 for lighting off fireworks. 333 00:11:25,788 --> 00:11:26,822 - Mm. - Standard stuff... 334 00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:28,759 TP, sugar in the gas tank... 335 00:11:28,861 --> 00:11:30,095 but then I noticed they had 336 00:11:30,197 --> 00:11:32,132 like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes. 337 00:11:32,201 --> 00:11:34,403 - Oh, my God. - I know, so douchey. 338 00:11:34,773 --> 00:11:38,110 So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell, 339 00:11:38,179 --> 00:11:40,548 and then when they opened the door, we blew them up. 340 00:11:43,389 --> 00:11:44,624 Are you not getting it? 341 00:11:44,692 --> 00:11:46,160 It's kind of subtle, so... 342 00:11:46,228 --> 00:11:48,030 That was my house. 343 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,184 But... you live in a condo. 344 00:11:50,286 --> 00:11:51,821 Now. 345 00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,159 Years ago, my husband's father died 346 00:11:54,261 --> 00:11:57,165 and left us his antique gnome collection. 347 00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:59,335 Marty wanted to keep them in the house. 348 00:11:59,404 --> 00:12:01,106 They soothed him, he said. 349 00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:06,584 'Cause the constant fireworks were always triggering his PTSD: 350 00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:10,424 So, I insisted he put his sole inheritance outside, 351 00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:13,698 where you blew them up. 352 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,367 Life's funny. 353 00:12:15,469 --> 00:12:16,637 Yeah. 354 00:12:16,739 --> 00:12:17,806 Yeah, the next day, 355 00:12:17,908 --> 00:12:20,477 I was supposed to meet him at couples therapy. 356 00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,548 But I didn't make it 'cause my car died. 357 00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:24,481 Sugar in the tank. 358 00:12:24,516 --> 00:12:26,289 So I missed the appointment. 359 00:12:26,391 --> 00:12:28,160 He went for a coffee, 360 00:12:28,262 --> 00:12:30,431 fell in love with the barista, 361 00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:32,769 and now I am living in a condo, 362 00:12:32,872 --> 00:12:34,673 dating a friggin' child! 363 00:12:34,775 --> 00:12:36,109 Janice. 364 00:12:36,211 --> 00:12:38,480 This may be a bad time to mention it, but... 365 00:12:38,582 --> 00:12:40,184 I don't have enough money for the valet. 366 00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:50,490 Lily is still not answering. Did you track her location? 367 00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,626 Uh, yeah. It says that she's at our house? 368 00:12:52,695 --> 00:12:54,329 Do you think she took that boy home? 369 00:12:54,431 --> 00:12:56,133 Of course she did! 370 00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:58,838 An empty house, all those Anita Baker records. 371 00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:00,274 It's the sexiest place in town. 372 00:13:00,343 --> 00:13:01,510 We have to get home! 373 00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:03,514 Okay, it's gonna take us an hour just to get out of here. 374 00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,251 No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes 375 00:13:05,319 --> 00:13:06,586 just by cutting through this maze. 376 00:13:06,689 --> 00:13:08,623 No! No. I-I hate those things. 377 00:13:08,658 --> 00:13:10,261 Mitchell, we basically forced our daughter 378 00:13:10,329 --> 00:13:12,398 into the arms of a hormonal teen. 379 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:13,600 And let's be honest, 380 00:13:13,670 --> 00:13:15,872 was it because we wanted more independence for her 381 00:13:15,974 --> 00:13:17,710 or for us? 382 00:13:21,518 --> 00:13:22,584 All right. 383 00:13:22,621 --> 00:13:24,188 Now, try to have some backbone. 384 00:13:24,257 --> 00:13:26,292 I'm... I'm... I'm right here. 385 00:13:26,394 --> 00:13:27,721 Okay? 386 00:13:27,898 --> 00:13:30,133 And just remember, this is for our daughter. 387 00:13:31,271 --> 00:13:33,106 Aah! Aah! Aah! 388 00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:34,575 Ohh, Cam... 389 00:13:37,185 --> 00:13:38,787 I know it makes me seem shallow, 390 00:13:38,889 --> 00:13:41,793 but he had such a crazy body! 391 00:13:41,895 --> 00:13:43,444 How am I supposed to go back to nerd butts? 392 00:13:43,498 --> 00:13:47,270 No matter what I'd need, it'd be right there in her purse... 393 00:13:47,338 --> 00:13:50,609 Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins. 394 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:52,313 Because sometimes I'm not angry. 395 00:13:52,382 --> 00:13:53,515 I'm just hungry. 396 00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,887 You know what she's not gonna find in that purse? 397 00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:57,190 Someone better than you. 398 00:13:57,292 --> 00:13:58,492 - Really? - Yeah. 399 00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:00,249 You can do better than... 400 00:14:00,318 --> 00:14:02,386 I'm forgetting her name right now, so Molly's mom. 401 00:14:02,455 --> 00:14:04,557 You know, I'm not just saying it because you said it, 402 00:14:04,627 --> 00:14:07,229 but I never thought Bill was good enough for you. 403 00:14:07,332 --> 00:14:08,733 Seriously? 404 00:14:08,802 --> 00:14:10,502 You deserve someone smart and curious. 405 00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:13,611 Be honest, didn't you get sick of him saying 406 00:14:13,648 --> 00:14:16,685 "I bet I can jump over that" every time he walked outside? 407 00:14:17,185 --> 00:14:18,354 Thanks, Luke. 408 00:14:18,423 --> 00:14:19,858 We don't need them, right? 409 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,897 In a couple weeks, we won't remember either one of them. 410 00:14:24,268 --> 00:14:25,970 A fireman? 411 00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:27,618 A nun? 412 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:31,580 Janice was into some really weird stuff. 413 00:14:35,356 --> 00:14:37,325 What about her? Is that a Martha Stewart? 414 00:14:37,394 --> 00:14:38,895 I-I think that's Princess Di. 415 00:14:39,394 --> 00:14:40,565 Jay, you have to prepare yourself. 416 00:14:40,668 --> 00:14:42,135 We may not find your candy bar. 417 00:14:42,204 --> 00:14:43,805 We've stopped four Martha Stewarts, 418 00:14:43,907 --> 00:14:46,376 two Dog the Bounty Hunters, and the real Judith Light. 419 00:14:46,395 --> 00:14:47,663 How nice was she, by the way? 420 00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:49,432 Yeah, class act. Keep looking. 421 00:14:50,603 --> 00:14:51,771 Hey, that's Mom! 422 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,795 - Mom! - Manny! 423 00:14:53,897 --> 00:14:55,865 How many times have I told you not to shout "Mom" 424 00:14:55,934 --> 00:14:57,468 when you're dressed like an old man? 425 00:14:57,537 --> 00:14:59,572 Including now? Once. 426 00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:01,176 I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. 427 00:15:01,244 --> 00:15:03,915 I'm mad at Mitch and Cam for leaving me here 428 00:15:03,983 --> 00:15:07,521 and the mean Boy Scout that made me feel so old. 429 00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:08,991 Old? 430 00:15:09,093 --> 00:15:10,728 Sweetie, you look delicious! 431 00:15:10,797 --> 00:15:12,130 - I do? - Yes. 432 00:15:12,233 --> 00:15:13,968 You're dancing with us right now. 433 00:15:14,036 --> 00:15:15,070 Okay. 434 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,209 Oh! 435 00:15:18,311 --> 00:15:20,013 Look what I found on the ground. 436 00:15:21,117 --> 00:15:22,217 We're too late. 437 00:15:22,648 --> 00:15:24,221 Sorry, Jay. 438 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:25,991 Do you want to talk about it? 439 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,964 No! I don't want to seem like a sad sack. 440 00:15:30,068 --> 00:15:32,103 Uh... excuse me. 441 00:15:33,341 --> 00:15:34,942 What is it about this candy? 442 00:15:35,011 --> 00:15:36,813 It just tasted like summer or something, 443 00:15:36,882 --> 00:15:37,892 I don't know. 444 00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:39,952 But out with the old, in with the new. 445 00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:42,290 Candy bars come and go. 446 00:15:42,766 --> 00:15:44,747 No more record stores. 447 00:15:45,264 --> 00:15:46,966 6-year-old sons too grown up 448 00:15:47,065 --> 00:15:49,768 to go trick-or-treating with their dads. 449 00:15:49,837 --> 00:15:51,438 No more beepers. 450 00:15:51,506 --> 00:15:54,010 Are you that bummed that Joe didn't want to spend Halloween with you? 451 00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:56,100 No! It's just the beginning of the whole thing, ya know? 452 00:15:56,169 --> 00:15:58,038 When you... When you break that seal... 453 00:15:58,106 --> 00:16:00,910 Look, I know Joe wanted to be with his friends tonight, 454 00:16:01,012 --> 00:16:02,881 but he'll definitely want to spend another Halloween 455 00:16:02,983 --> 00:16:04,851 - with his dad. - How do you know that? 456 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,454 Kids have a way of coming back. 457 00:16:07,458 --> 00:16:11,282 Even if they have to... make up a dumb reason to do it. 458 00:16:16,179 --> 00:16:17,445 Happy Halloween, kid. 459 00:16:19,196 --> 00:16:20,953 Wait, this is a delicate moment. 460 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:23,124 We could scar her if we don't handle it right. 461 00:16:23,146 --> 00:16:25,348 Ohhh! God, I know that's true. 462 00:16:25,748 --> 00:16:27,215 My first kiss was terrible. 463 00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:29,219 My mom walked in on me with this girl. 464 00:16:29,287 --> 00:16:31,323 I can still hear my mom scream to my dad, 465 00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:32,525 "I told you he wasn't!" 466 00:16:32,594 --> 00:16:34,569 - Well, mine was worse. - It's not a competition. 467 00:16:34,598 --> 00:16:35,608 My dad found me in a barn 468 00:16:35,668 --> 00:16:37,468 open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy. 469 00:16:37,537 --> 00:16:38,547 And you win. 470 00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:40,742 Okay, so, gentle, but firm. 471 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:42,545 - Okay? - Yeah. 472 00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:49,927 Sweetie, is... is everything okay? 473 00:16:49,995 --> 00:16:52,131 It's nothing. Go away. 474 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,135 Honey, did... did a boy pressure you 475 00:16:54,204 --> 00:16:56,239 to do something you didn't want to do? 476 00:16:56,341 --> 00:16:58,176 Ew! Gross! No. 477 00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:00,782 D-Did a girl pressure you into doing something... 478 00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:02,518 Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child 479 00:17:02,587 --> 00:17:04,255 to take some of this off of me? 480 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:07,962 Honey... Honey, we... we just want to help, okay? 481 00:17:08,031 --> 00:17:10,133 We're... We're afraid that maybe we pushed you 482 00:17:10,201 --> 00:17:12,103 into going to that party before you were ready. 483 00:17:12,172 --> 00:17:14,574 Look, I thought this boy really liked me, 484 00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:16,880 but he was just using me to get to my friend Kelly. 485 00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:18,817 - Kelly? Ew, she's gross! - Yeah. 486 00:17:18,886 --> 00:17:20,453 No, she isn't. She's my friend. 487 00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,257 She's not you. And anyone who would pick her over... 488 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,762 Of course you'd say that. You're my dad. 489 00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:27,801 I'm sorry, there's nothing that you could say that would help. 490 00:17:27,803 --> 00:17:28,836 Okay? 491 00:17:28,905 --> 00:17:30,907 You're not a girl, you're not 12. 492 00:17:30,976 --> 00:17:32,577 What would you know about liking a boy 493 00:17:32,646 --> 00:17:34,247 who doesn't like you back? 494 00:17:34,349 --> 00:17:35,650 Oh, honey... 495 00:17:35,752 --> 00:17:36,986 I'm gonna get us some ice cream. 496 00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,623 Okay, come here, come here. 497 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,792 Okay. 498 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,762 Honey, you can't be mad 499 00:17:41,864 --> 00:17:43,198 that I wasn't scared by that movie. 500 00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:44,333 It was a baby. 501 00:17:44,335 --> 00:17:45,903 It had three rows of teeth! 502 00:17:45,972 --> 00:17:46,972 Baby teeth! 503 00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:48,074 Look, it's not your fault. 504 00:17:48,143 --> 00:17:50,212 It's just that, next to you, I feel like such a wuss. 505 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,383 Just because you get a little bit squirrelly in a movie doesn't make you... 506 00:17:52,485 --> 00:17:54,020 Wait, hang on. Why are we crossing the street? 507 00:17:54,122 --> 00:17:55,623 Our house is right down... 508 00:17:55,692 --> 00:17:57,761 Wait a minute, you're not afraid of the little old lady's house, are you? 509 00:17:57,863 --> 00:17:59,030 You don't know she's little! 510 00:17:59,398 --> 00:18:00,532 All we know is she sits up there 511 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,668 plotting evil from her window. 512 00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:02,937 She's not there. 513 00:18:03,039 --> 00:18:04,139 She's always there! 514 00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:05,274 This stops now. 515 00:18:05,377 --> 00:18:07,412 We're gonna go knock on that door, 516 00:18:07,514 --> 00:18:08,581 introduce ourselves, 517 00:18:08,684 --> 00:18:11,387 and put an end to this nuttiness. 518 00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:19,896 Huh. 519 00:18:20,908 --> 00:18:22,877 - Well, that's weird timing. - The, um... 520 00:18:22,945 --> 00:18:24,413 The envelope Alex dropped off. 521 00:18:24,448 --> 00:18:26,183 The... The old lady never picked it up. 522 00:18:27,094 --> 00:18:28,186 What was that? 523 00:18:28,238 --> 00:18:29,439 Oh, God. Phil, what if she fell? 524 00:18:29,507 --> 00:18:30,642 We should go check on her. Come on. 525 00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:31,911 Yeah, I guess so. 526 00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:33,280 I am, uh, right behind you. 527 00:18:33,349 --> 00:18:35,084 I'm just gonna go find a flashlight. 528 00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,354 Phil... 529 00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,433 Um... 530 00:18:43,535 --> 00:18:44,602 Hello? 531 00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:48,126 Ms. Mann? 532 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:51,800 Hello? 533 00:18:57,747 --> 00:18:59,281 Ida Mae? 534 00:19:01,655 --> 00:19:02,755 Oh. 535 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,326 Ida Mae? 536 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,875 Ms. Mann? 537 00:19:18,288 --> 00:19:21,292 It was simplicity itself. 538 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,464 A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time 539 00:19:24,533 --> 00:19:27,136 that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. 540 00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:29,140 I'd just sold a house to a European couple 541 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:31,044 that weren't gonna take possession for a while, 542 00:19:31,146 --> 00:19:34,050 so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. 543 00:19:34,152 --> 00:19:35,252 I told you! 544 00:19:35,254 --> 00:19:37,286 She's always up there! 545 00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:40,229 Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, 546 00:19:40,298 --> 00:19:43,335 so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, 547 00:19:43,403 --> 00:19:46,708 and when I wanted to amp it up, 548 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,447 I had Ida Mae make contact. 549 00:19:52,789 --> 00:19:53,889 Hey! 550 00:19:53,891 --> 00:19:55,826 Then, this morning... 551 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,496 I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. 552 00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:59,066 I just did that so she'd accuse me 553 00:19:59,135 --> 00:20:00,468 of not being able to scare her. 554 00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:01,838 It's all about plausibility. 555 00:20:01,907 --> 00:20:03,408 Damn right, it is. 556 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:04,610 Over the past year, 557 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,748 Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, 558 00:20:06,817 --> 00:20:08,451 hung up a poster for her lost dog, 559 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,854 signed up for Meals on Wheels. 560 00:20:09,956 --> 00:20:11,123 They're not bad, by the way. 561 00:20:11,225 --> 00:20:14,396 Also, she got a lot of knitting done. 562 00:20:16,569 --> 00:20:18,137 Oh, I'm sorry, Claire. 563 00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:19,349 Did I scare you? 564 00:20:20,343 --> 00:20:22,181 - You did this? - Yep. 565 00:20:22,216 --> 00:20:22,680 How long have you planned this... 566 00:20:22,782 --> 00:20:24,650 11 months, two weeks, and three days ago, 567 00:20:24,732 --> 00:20:25,966 I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann. 568 00:20:26,068 --> 00:20:28,137 Because I da main man. 569 00:20:28,239 --> 00:20:29,740 Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil. 570 00:20:29,842 --> 00:20:30,942 Sorry. 571 00:20:30,945 --> 00:20:32,947 I was having so much fun! 572 00:20:33,049 --> 00:20:34,616 - What? - I was wondering what we were gonna do 573 00:20:34,719 --> 00:20:36,086 for the next 30 years of our lives 574 00:20:36,188 --> 00:20:37,388 without the kids in the house. 575 00:20:37,490 --> 00:20:38,725 And now I know... 576 00:20:38,827 --> 00:20:41,597 You're getting twisted, and I like it. 577 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:42,833 Game on. 578 00:20:42,935 --> 00:20:44,236 - Unh-unh. Unh-unh. - Mm-hmm. 579 00:20:44,338 --> 00:20:45,639 "Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? 580 00:20:45,741 --> 00:20:47,175 It's... It's game over. 581 00:20:47,277 --> 00:20:48,448 Nope. 582 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,816 Watch your back, buddy. 583 00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,886 This is gonna be so much fun. 584 00:20:53,957 --> 00:20:54,791 Can't we just travel? 585 00:20:54,807 --> 00:20:56,208 Where'd your mom go? 586 00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:58,511 We have a winner! 587 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,586 I really needed this today! 588 00:21:07,064 --> 00:21:08,531 Excuse me. Excuse me. 589 00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:10,435 Hey! That's my wife! 590 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:13,374 Oh, sure, sweetheart. Like you could get that. 591 00:21:13,476 --> 00:21:16,648 No, no, no! That is my husband! 592 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:17,950 Does she know that... 593 00:21:18,052 --> 00:21:19,821 No, and we're never gonna tell her. 594 00:21:25,863 --> 00:21:27,941 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com