1 00:00:02,119 --> 00:00:04,656 - Good night, Triangle. - Good night, Square. 2 00:00:04,725 --> 00:00:08,179 Thanks for showing us how fun it is to learn. 3 00:00:08,214 --> 00:00:11,521 Do you want to get their pajamas, or should I... 4 00:00:11,606 --> 00:00:12,719 Ohh. 5 00:00:14,611 --> 00:00:17,950 Next, "Blood Orgy 7: Rise of the Organ Hoarder." 6 00:00:21,158 --> 00:00:22,362 Aah! 7 00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:28,404 Oh, my God! 8 00:00:28,405 --> 00:00:29,473 Why? 9 00:00:29,474 --> 00:00:30,742 Why? 10 00:00:43,802 --> 00:00:45,672 Are you Daniel Boone? 11 00:00:45,773 --> 00:00:48,077 Who's asking? 12 00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,913 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 13 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,851 I just came to see Kentucky, 14 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,788 the fifth-largest tobacco producer 15 00:00:53,889 --> 00:00:57,229 and the third-largest coal producer in the country. 16 00:00:57,330 --> 00:00:59,400 I feel like I am there. 17 00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:01,570 The only thing more painful than children's theater 18 00:01:01,672 --> 00:01:03,408 is what's going on with my back right now. 19 00:01:03,509 --> 00:01:06,280 Why can't you take the pills that the doctor gave you 20 00:01:06,381 --> 00:01:08,284 so that you can enjoy your son's tour de force? 21 00:01:08,385 --> 00:01:09,853 I just need a little stretch. 22 00:01:09,954 --> 00:01:11,724 Doctors give you pills for everything today. 23 00:01:11,825 --> 00:01:13,061 Now we need a volunteer. 24 00:01:13,162 --> 00:01:15,365 Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm. 25 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:16,968 - What? - One of our players 26 00:01:17,070 --> 00:01:18,204 has been kidnapped by his stepfather, 27 00:01:18,305 --> 00:01:19,373 but the show must go on. 28 00:01:19,374 --> 00:01:20,475 Place a star on the flag 29 00:01:20,576 --> 00:01:22,379 every time a territory becomes a state. 30 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:23,948 Seriously, but do the police... 31 00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:26,687 How 'bout a round of applause? 32 00:01:28,425 --> 00:01:31,197 Faster, please. We're losing them. 33 00:01:31,298 --> 00:01:32,632 Where are you? 34 00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:35,138 You're missing Joe's tribute to the 50 nifty United States. 35 00:01:36,775 --> 00:01:38,845 I'm at home in bed with the worst cold. 36 00:01:38,946 --> 00:01:40,548 Afraid the whole family's down. 37 00:01:40,649 --> 00:01:43,387 Might've even lost a few house plants, yeah. 38 00:01:43,489 --> 00:01:45,225 Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now. 39 00:01:45,326 --> 00:01:47,028 Alright. Take care. 40 00:01:51,435 --> 00:01:53,174 - Aah! - Phil! 41 00:01:53,175 --> 00:01:56,447 You told me you sold your dad's RV! 42 00:01:56,548 --> 00:01:59,153 And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop! 43 00:01:59,254 --> 00:02:01,357 This street is on your 3-mile course, 44 00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:03,327 so who are you really mad at, Claire? 45 00:02:04,831 --> 00:02:06,467 Gloria, we are so sorry, 46 00:02:06,568 --> 00:02:08,838 but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. 47 00:02:08,939 --> 00:02:10,842 No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... 48 00:02:10,943 --> 00:02:12,946 well, she had emergency surgery, 49 00:02:12,947 --> 00:02:15,752 and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes 50 00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:17,389 to our place with no warning. 51 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,030 No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! 52 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,603 Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. 53 00:02:24,704 --> 00:02:26,407 You couldn't just say you had a cold? 54 00:02:26,508 --> 00:02:28,411 Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, 55 00:02:28,512 --> 00:02:30,582 he could've said, "87 years ago," 56 00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:32,319 and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." 57 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,289 No, it's the finishing touches 58 00:02:34,391 --> 00:02:36,794 that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell! 59 00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,966 Sweetie, I know you're really tense about this... 60 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,535 No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it! 61 00:02:40,636 --> 00:02:42,005 Cam is up for head coach 62 00:02:42,106 --> 00:02:44,043 - at the University of Nor... - Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! 63 00:02:45,713 --> 00:02:46,747 Bup, bup! 64 00:02:46,848 --> 00:02:48,885 Cam is up for head football coach 65 00:02:48,987 --> 00:02:51,424 at the University of North Central Missouri. 66 00:02:51,525 --> 00:02:52,759 It's his dream job, 67 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:54,797 and they're supposed to call him about it today, 68 00:02:54,898 --> 00:02:56,634 and it's making him a little crazy. 69 00:02:56,735 --> 00:02:57,769 In f-fact... 70 00:02:57,770 --> 00:02:59,606 C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, 71 00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,310 and I-I'm really miffed about that. 72 00:03:01,411 --> 00:03:04,116 Oh, boy. This again, huh? 73 00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:05,819 Okay. No, go on. 74 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,723 - I'm ready. - Oh, my God! 75 00:03:07,824 --> 00:03:10,762 - Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her. - Ah, sweetie! Oh! 76 00:03:10,863 --> 00:03:12,833 Now, may I give you a piece of advice from my first date? 77 00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,436 Don't say how much you want to have kids, 78 00:03:14,537 --> 00:03:16,273 and don't cry, because your makeup will run. 79 00:03:16,374 --> 00:03:17,809 I'm more worried about my date running 80 00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:19,113 when he sees you two there. 81 00:03:19,214 --> 00:03:21,250 You'll barely even notice us, okay? 82 00:03:21,351 --> 00:03:23,421 Just be yourself. You are... You're so funny. 83 00:03:23,682 --> 00:03:25,525 Okay, tell that funny story 84 00:03:25,626 --> 00:03:27,529 of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey. 85 00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,700 Oh, because your family's perfect? 86 00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:31,570 Okay. Oh, my God! That's it! 87 00:03:31,671 --> 00:03:32,672 That's the job! 88 00:03:32,774 --> 00:03:34,409 Where's my phone? Where's my phone? 89 00:03:34,511 --> 00:03:36,847 This is the worst thing that could be happ... 90 00:03:36,948 --> 00:03:38,515 Okay, it's just my mediation app. 91 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:44,029 Okay, you need to control your man. 92 00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:45,431 If he gets bad news tonight 93 00:03:45,533 --> 00:03:47,302 and melts down in front of Randy, 94 00:03:47,403 --> 00:03:49,673 I can kiss "kissing him goodbye" goodbye. 95 00:03:49,774 --> 00:03:51,644 Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go. 96 00:03:51,745 --> 00:03:54,016 I understand we all get attached to things 97 00:03:54,117 --> 00:03:55,518 that belonged to our parents. 98 00:03:55,619 --> 00:03:56,687 That's not it. 99 00:03:56,688 --> 00:03:58,558 I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures. 100 00:03:58,659 --> 00:04:00,495 Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts 101 00:04:00,596 --> 00:04:02,399 while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge? 102 00:04:02,883 --> 00:04:04,470 We're never gonna use this thing. 103 00:04:04,571 --> 00:04:06,841 It guzzles gas, and it takes an hour to park. 104 00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,011 Well, then leave it here. 105 00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:09,280 You've always wanted a guest house. 106 00:04:09,381 --> 00:04:11,784 Not one with seat belts at the dining table. 107 00:04:14,291 --> 00:04:15,425 No discussion, Dylan. 108 00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:17,863 We're taking them to see a baby psychiatrist. 109 00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:19,667 Are you still talking about that crazy movie? 110 00:04:19,768 --> 00:04:21,070 Well, it messed them up! 111 00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:22,406 We took them to the park. 112 00:04:22,507 --> 00:04:23,976 Swing set... bored. 113 00:04:24,077 --> 00:04:25,245 Cute squirrels... snore. 114 00:04:25,346 --> 00:04:26,881 Then an old lady walking her poodle 115 00:04:26,983 --> 00:04:28,585 trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, 116 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,088 and these two burst out laughing 117 00:04:30,189 --> 00:04:31,457 like two stoners in a tickle fight. 118 00:04:31,558 --> 00:04:33,127 I'm sure you're both overreacting 119 00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,663 the way all new parents do. 120 00:04:34,764 --> 00:04:36,000 No, Mom, we're screwing this up. 121 00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,803 At the very least, we need help, 122 00:04:37,904 --> 00:04:39,507 like... like an au pair or something. 123 00:04:39,608 --> 00:04:40,642 That's two nannies, right? 124 00:04:40,743 --> 00:04:41,477 - Correct. - Okay. 125 00:04:41,478 --> 00:04:43,081 Ohh. 126 00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:46,787 Look at how gentle they're being with that butterfly. 127 00:04:46,889 --> 00:04:48,725 See? You two were worrying for no... 128 00:04:49,318 --> 00:04:50,862 - They're tearing it apart. - Oh God! 129 00:04:50,964 --> 00:04:53,501 What do you say we leave the babies with Farrah 130 00:04:53,602 --> 00:04:55,605 and the grown-ups go out and talk about this over dinner? 131 00:04:55,706 --> 00:04:58,311 Great idea. Oh! Four people, though. 132 00:04:58,412 --> 00:05:00,148 Try fitting that in a regular car. 133 00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:01,617 Wait a minute. 134 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:05,125 What if we took the R... You kidding me? 135 00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:07,229 Remind me to buy some wheel blocks! 136 00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:12,439 Oh, God. Lily needs my help. 137 00:05:15,146 --> 00:05:16,447 What the hell are you doing? 138 00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:18,251 I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story. 139 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:19,820 By making an Eeyore sound? 140 00:05:19,921 --> 00:05:22,059 You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. 141 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,494 That's an offensive stereotype 142 00:05:23,596 --> 00:05:25,832 perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans. 143 00:05:26,503 --> 00:05:27,603 Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing! 144 00:05:28,238 --> 00:05:29,239 It's just Longinus. 145 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,711 Yeah, we know. You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys. 146 00:05:31,812 --> 00:05:33,081 Nobody cares. 147 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,754 My friend said we should try the potato. 148 00:05:36,855 --> 00:05:37,991 - Lily! - Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 149 00:05:38,092 --> 00:05:39,226 - Hey. - Hi! 150 00:05:39,327 --> 00:05:40,495 Hey, guys! What are you doing here? 151 00:05:40,596 --> 00:05:42,450 Oh, just taking a break from scarring our children. 152 00:05:42,485 --> 00:05:43,168 Now, come on. 153 00:05:43,205 --> 00:05:45,372 Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, 154 00:05:45,473 --> 00:05:46,975 and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time 155 00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:48,077 before they close for good. 156 00:05:48,078 --> 00:05:49,813 I know. It's sad, isn't it? 157 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,584 - Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here... - Yeah! 158 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,590 - ... and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us. - Yes! Oh. 159 00:06:00,336 --> 00:06:02,172 I want to stress that I'm adopted. 160 00:06:02,273 --> 00:06:04,076 Why don't we leave the lovebirds to their date? 161 00:06:04,077 --> 00:06:05,145 Good idea, but you know what? 162 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,883 Spuds is better with more people, much like a vehicle. 163 00:06:07,985 --> 00:06:09,887 Let's... Let's see if they can sit the rest of us together. 164 00:06:09,989 --> 00:06:12,059 - Okay, yeah. Alright. - Okay. 165 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,273 I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot 166 00:06:19,374 --> 00:06:20,892 on Instagram, and... 167 00:06:21,178 --> 00:06:24,183 he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, 168 00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:26,454 Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. 169 00:06:26,522 --> 00:06:29,460 And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds 170 00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:31,230 to cushion the blow. 171 00:06:31,331 --> 00:06:33,401 Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up 172 00:06:33,502 --> 00:06:35,038 with four of his wives. 173 00:06:35,139 --> 00:06:36,273 Cam. Cam. 174 00:06:36,374 --> 00:06:38,177 I-I-I just got some bad news, 175 00:06:38,278 --> 00:06:39,747 and I think it's best that you hear it from me. 176 00:06:39,848 --> 00:06:40,949 Oh, I heard. 177 00:06:41,051 --> 00:06:42,385 They're out of the Impossible Potato. 178 00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:43,788 Now, I'm sorry, 179 00:06:43,889 --> 00:06:46,460 you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, 180 00:06:46,561 --> 00:06:48,564 ya better have enough for everyone. 181 00:06:51,464 --> 00:06:53,324 Please just take those pills. 182 00:06:53,421 --> 00:06:55,795 You're more crooked than General James Wilkinson 183 00:06:55,896 --> 00:06:58,200 during the Louisiana Purchase. 184 00:06:58,301 --> 00:06:59,971 We're down to the last state. 185 00:07:00,072 --> 00:07:01,940 It's actually better if I move. 186 00:07:04,714 --> 00:07:06,408 Wow. This is gorgeous. 187 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,120 What do you call this place, again? 188 00:07:08,221 --> 00:07:09,389 Pearl Harbor. 189 00:07:16,838 --> 00:07:18,007 Aah! 190 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:20,711 Save the flag, boys! 191 00:07:29,097 --> 00:07:30,331 Haley, get off your phone. 192 00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:32,102 The babies are fine with Dylan's mom. 193 00:07:32,203 --> 00:07:34,306 If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV. 194 00:07:34,407 --> 00:07:36,110 Plugs right into the cigarette lighter. 195 00:07:36,211 --> 00:07:37,612 Honey, there could be a money volcano 196 00:07:37,713 --> 00:07:39,716 that plugs right into a white wine fountain in there. 197 00:07:39,818 --> 00:07:40,952 I still wouldn't want it. 198 00:07:41,054 --> 00:07:42,455 I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her. 199 00:07:42,557 --> 00:07:44,092 My kids are already sociopaths. 200 00:07:44,194 --> 00:07:46,297 I don't need to give them a strawberry allergy on top of it. 201 00:07:46,398 --> 00:07:47,532 Oh, I completely, totally get that. 202 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,668 Just gonna turn this off. 203 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,674 You know what? Hey, let... let's all turn off our phones. Come on. 204 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,711 Yeah, you can... No, come on. Live in the moment. 205 00:07:53,812 --> 00:07:55,882 I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town 206 00:07:55,984 --> 00:07:57,385 with family and friends 207 00:07:57,486 --> 00:07:59,223 all sitting at the same table where... 208 00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:02,395 Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion." 209 00:08:02,496 --> 00:08:03,698 Well, that's probably not true. 210 00:08:03,799 --> 00:08:04,867 Sounds like somebody's nervous 211 00:08:04,969 --> 00:08:06,337 about a possible move to Missouri. 212 00:08:06,438 --> 00:08:08,007 No, I'm... I'm just pointing out 213 00:08:08,108 --> 00:08:10,311 that there are a lot of really great things here. 214 00:08:10,412 --> 00:08:11,647 Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame 215 00:08:11,748 --> 00:08:13,951 to cut that blossoming relationship short? 216 00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:16,557 Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. 217 00:08:16,658 --> 00:08:18,561 I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old? 218 00:08:18,662 --> 00:08:20,298 I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. 219 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:21,867 You know, I read on a mommy blog 220 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,390 that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... 221 00:08:24,425 --> 00:08:25,976 - and deejaying. - Okay, you know what? 222 00:08:25,977 --> 00:08:27,245 You two need to be careful 223 00:08:27,346 --> 00:08:29,883 because you can read so much about how to parent, 224 00:08:29,985 --> 00:08:31,320 you miss out on being one. 225 00:08:31,421 --> 00:08:33,057 Mitchell struggled with that. 226 00:08:33,158 --> 00:08:35,061 Just relax. 227 00:08:35,162 --> 00:08:36,230 Aww, sweetheart. 228 00:08:36,745 --> 00:08:37,633 Oh. 229 00:08:37,694 --> 00:08:39,603 - Did you put hair spray in this? - Just a little bit, yes. 230 00:08:39,704 --> 00:08:40,973 I'm gonna put some music on. 231 00:08:41,074 --> 00:08:42,876 - No, Cam, I have to go work. - Dance with her! 232 00:08:42,978 --> 00:08:44,446 - Come on. I don't have time for this. - Put a little boogie in it. 233 00:08:45,783 --> 00:08:47,686 Just dance. You know you love this song. 234 00:08:47,787 --> 00:08:49,156 Alright. Okay. 235 00:08:49,257 --> 00:08:51,160 Who's the dancing queen, huh? 236 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,034 Put a little boogie in it. 237 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,437 See? Fun. 238 00:08:57,342 --> 00:08:58,607 - Oh, my... - Was that her head? 239 00:08:58,709 --> 00:09:00,778 Sorry. I forgot how that story ended. 240 00:09:00,879 --> 00:09:03,084 It ended with us in the ER 241 00:09:03,185 --> 00:09:05,621 of one of the best hospitals in the world. 242 00:09:05,723 --> 00:09:07,292 Nice having that only a mile away. 243 00:09:07,393 --> 00:09:09,429 I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri 244 00:09:09,530 --> 00:09:11,333 just climbed above Arkansas and Guam. 245 00:09:11,434 --> 00:09:13,204 Okay, give me back my phone. I'm ordering baby helmets. 246 00:09:13,305 --> 00:09:14,539 Stop worrying. 247 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,477 Kids get bonked all the time. 248 00:09:16,578 --> 00:09:18,774 Do you know how many tumbles Luke took? 249 00:09:20,486 --> 00:09:22,522 I think he wants to go out. 250 00:09:22,623 --> 00:09:24,192 Good boy! 251 00:09:24,293 --> 00:09:25,928 Smart dog. 252 00:09:26,031 --> 00:09:28,134 I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that. 253 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,569 I'm gonna play outside. 254 00:09:31,207 --> 00:09:32,509 Ow! 255 00:09:33,779 --> 00:09:35,181 What happened? 256 00:09:35,282 --> 00:09:36,850 And he's fine. 257 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,020 ish. 258 00:09:38,121 --> 00:09:40,875 I love the guy, but we're aiming a little bit higher than Luke. 259 00:09:40,977 --> 00:09:42,779 Haley, you kind of want your kids to get knocked around a little. 260 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:43,915 It toughens them up for things 261 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,790 that we all go through in adulthood. 262 00:09:45,825 --> 00:09:47,189 Daddy wins! 263 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:49,193 Do you believe in miracles? 264 00:09:49,294 --> 00:09:51,697 USA! US... 265 00:09:51,798 --> 00:09:52,833 Oh, no! 266 00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,326 Oh, geez! 267 00:09:55,406 --> 00:09:56,907 Oh, my... What was that? 268 00:09:57,009 --> 00:09:57,843 - Was that a person that fell... - I'm good! 269 00:09:57,844 --> 00:09:58,878 Dad? 270 00:09:58,879 --> 00:09:59,947 Hey, Dad, think fast. 271 00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,387 Aren't you being a little... 272 00:10:06,928 --> 00:10:08,264 But this isn't an emergen... 273 00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:15,345 Now it I-I-I-I-is! 274 00:10:15,446 --> 00:10:17,682 I mean, sure, I can no longer taste salt, but... 275 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,586 I know that they're going to get bumps and bruises, 276 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:22,125 but I'm talking about psychological scars. 277 00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:24,029 I've had some experience with that myself. 278 00:10:24,576 --> 00:10:25,665 - Surpri... - Oh, oh! 279 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,004 No! Oh! 280 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,472 - No! - No! 281 00:10:29,507 --> 00:10:30,610 I'm sorry! 282 00:10:30,645 --> 00:10:32,245 - Nothing's happening! - Oh, my God! 283 00:10:32,246 --> 00:10:33,748 It still haunts her. 284 00:10:33,849 --> 00:10:35,718 Not to be weird, but she still won't let me 285 00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:37,656 mention your names while we're making love. 286 00:10:37,757 --> 00:10:40,963 - Okay. - Well, well, well. 287 00:10:41,064 --> 00:10:44,002 Yes, well, well, well. 288 00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:46,240 I see your cold is better. 289 00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,444 Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing. 290 00:10:48,545 --> 00:10:50,682 And Pepper's Great Danes? 291 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,652 Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. 292 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,890 They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. 293 00:10:54,992 --> 00:10:56,060 So they're... 294 00:10:56,061 --> 00:10:57,329 they're dead. 295 00:10:57,430 --> 00:10:59,433 I must look like Frederick Seward 296 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,503 during the Alaska Purchase, 297 00:11:01,605 --> 00:11:04,376 because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything. 298 00:11:04,477 --> 00:11:05,980 Gloria, okay, okay. 299 00:11:06,081 --> 00:11:07,716 We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, 300 00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,553 but if it makes you feel any better, 301 00:11:09,654 --> 00:11:11,690 Longinus took this really great photo of you 302 00:11:11,791 --> 00:11:13,761 at the Shakira concert the night that you missed 303 00:11:13,862 --> 00:11:15,365 Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye. 304 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:16,500 Ohh! 305 00:11:17,503 --> 00:11:19,406 I see that you've been waiting 306 00:11:19,507 --> 00:11:20,909 to spring that attack on me, 307 00:11:21,011 --> 00:11:24,116 just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans. 308 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,451 Is this my life now? 309 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:26,787 I'm gonna use the restroom. 310 00:11:26,888 --> 00:11:29,159 Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes? 311 00:11:29,260 --> 00:11:31,363 I mean, that's half of why you come here... for the show. 312 00:11:33,035 --> 00:11:35,138 - Public restroom, huh? - Mm. 313 00:11:35,239 --> 00:11:37,409 Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car. 314 00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:39,846 It's true. The RV does have a bathroom. 315 00:11:39,948 --> 00:11:41,717 And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, 316 00:11:41,818 --> 00:11:43,688 bear-proof undercarriage food bins. 317 00:11:43,789 --> 00:11:45,558 And how many miles would you say is on it? 318 00:11:45,659 --> 00:11:46,660 Wait! 319 00:11:47,897 --> 00:11:49,466 You're selling her on Craigslist? 320 00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,170 And this isn't even a good picture! 321 00:11:51,271 --> 00:11:52,772 This is her bad side! 322 00:11:52,873 --> 00:11:55,011 Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire. 323 00:11:55,112 --> 00:11:58,451 There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California. 324 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,054 The Golden State! 325 00:12:00,155 --> 00:12:01,657 Are you really trying to get out of moving to Missouri? 326 00:12:01,758 --> 00:12:03,027 No, no! 327 00:12:03,128 --> 00:12:06,867 Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise. 328 00:12:06,969 --> 00:12:09,573 Gloria, are you drugging Grandpa's Potato-tini? 329 00:12:09,674 --> 00:12:11,844 You saw how bent over he is. 330 00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:14,116 For some reason, he's scared of pills, 331 00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:16,153 and I can't watch him suffer anymore. 332 00:12:16,254 --> 00:12:18,958 I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. 333 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:20,762 Why would French fries mean ladies 334 00:12:20,863 --> 00:12:22,665 and baked potato gents? 335 00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,202 Just throw one of them into a skirt. 336 00:12:24,303 --> 00:12:26,140 So, uh, Dad, 337 00:12:26,241 --> 00:12:28,811 Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back? 338 00:12:28,912 --> 00:12:30,681 I got to get this from all sides now? 339 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:33,087 I don't like what they do to me, alright? 340 00:12:33,188 --> 00:12:35,358 They make me feel super... 341 00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:37,429 Horny? Constipated? 342 00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:39,032 Emotional. 343 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,870 You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy. 344 00:12:41,972 --> 00:12:44,309 Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. 345 00:12:44,410 --> 00:12:45,611 I took a couple in the men's room, 346 00:12:45,712 --> 00:12:48,284 which is the maximum dose, so strap in. 347 00:12:48,385 --> 00:12:49,453 N-N... 348 00:12:51,057 --> 00:12:52,358 You know, I'm gonna miss this place. 349 00:12:53,528 --> 00:12:55,198 Look, Spuddy Holly! 350 00:12:55,299 --> 00:12:56,800 He just about said it all, didn't he? 351 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,473 "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. 352 00:12:59,574 --> 00:13:01,844 Spuds' potatoes do amaze." 353 00:13:03,147 --> 00:13:05,843 - Four pills? Is he gonna be okay? - He can handle it. 354 00:13:05,904 --> 00:13:08,080 Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s. 355 00:13:08,082 --> 00:13:09,116 So did I. 356 00:13:09,217 --> 00:13:11,487 Oh, my God. He's talking to Lily and Dylan! 357 00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,059 I'm Dylan. 358 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,065 You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, 359 00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:19,503 prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. 360 00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:21,073 - There was this one bar I used to... - Let's go. 361 00:13:21,174 --> 00:13:22,977 Let's get you some black coffee. 362 00:13:23,078 --> 00:13:25,782 Peekaboo! George! Poppy! 363 00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:27,853 Hello? Is anybody home? 364 00:13:29,424 --> 00:13:32,017 What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills. 365 00:13:32,052 --> 00:13:33,931 - Who wanted coffee? - Ah, here! 366 00:13:33,932 --> 00:13:35,001 - Ohh! - Ohh! 367 00:13:36,204 --> 00:13:38,007 They're laughing! See? They're psychos! 368 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,912 Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay? 369 00:13:41,014 --> 00:13:43,918 I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary. 370 00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:45,755 Don't be scared to feel, buddy. 371 00:13:45,856 --> 00:13:47,459 You could end up running away 372 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,231 from an emotional situation with your kids, 373 00:13:50,332 --> 00:13:53,137 and those are always the most rewarding. 374 00:13:53,238 --> 00:13:54,473 You ask me, you're lucky. 375 00:13:54,574 --> 00:13:55,976 She dumped me by text 376 00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:57,812 while making out with her old boyfriend. 377 00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:59,316 I broke down crying. 378 00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:01,820 My charcoal ran like mascara. 379 00:14:01,922 --> 00:14:04,359 I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot. 380 00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:05,828 Lucky? 381 00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:07,399 Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you. 382 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:11,240 It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. 383 00:14:11,341 --> 00:14:13,544 I just wish I could say some magic words 384 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,682 or give you a hug, make it all go away. 385 00:14:18,822 --> 00:14:20,892 In a way, he raised me. 386 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,464 Pull yourself together, man! 387 00:14:23,565 --> 00:14:25,268 Haley, um, 388 00:14:25,369 --> 00:14:28,808 I think what your... chemically humanized grandfather 389 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,059 is trying to say is that kids are built to last. 390 00:14:31,615 --> 00:14:32,949 Sure, they... they go through stuff, 391 00:14:33,051 --> 00:14:35,121 but they survive, especially when you're around to help. 392 00:14:36,558 --> 00:14:38,060 I miss him. 393 00:14:38,161 --> 00:14:40,098 Yeah. 394 00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:42,502 He was your first real boyfriend. 395 00:14:42,603 --> 00:14:45,475 I keep expecting him to show up. 396 00:14:45,576 --> 00:14:48,581 He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him. 397 00:14:48,682 --> 00:14:50,118 Yeah, I know. 398 00:14:50,219 --> 00:14:51,420 You knew? 399 00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:55,028 His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. 400 00:14:55,129 --> 00:14:56,563 And he honked. 401 00:14:58,368 --> 00:14:59,670 I loved that car. 402 00:14:59,678 --> 00:15:01,540 I know it hurts now, sweetheart, 403 00:15:01,641 --> 00:15:05,748 but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having. 404 00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:13,230 Aw. 405 00:15:13,332 --> 00:15:14,766 Well, what happened? 406 00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:15,802 Did he come back? 407 00:15:15,803 --> 00:15:17,706 That... 408 00:15:17,807 --> 00:15:19,042 That was you, buddy. 409 00:15:20,245 --> 00:15:21,613 I love this kid. 410 00:15:21,715 --> 00:15:23,117 I remember when he was a baby. 411 00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:26,857 We met my senior year of high school. 412 00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,394 Who does everyone think I am? 413 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,031 You know, it's... 414 00:15:30,044 --> 00:15:33,571 Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby 415 00:15:33,672 --> 00:15:35,408 with the cutest little fat folds, 416 00:15:35,459 --> 00:15:37,462 and then... bam... they're gone. 417 00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:39,633 But it's okay, because in its place 418 00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:42,105 is this... toddler 419 00:15:42,206 --> 00:15:44,209 with the greatest laugh on Earth. 420 00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,514 And then one day, the toddler's gone, 421 00:15:46,615 --> 00:15:48,651 and in its place, a little kid 422 00:15:48,752 --> 00:15:52,626 that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. 423 00:15:52,727 --> 00:15:54,363 And this keeps going on like that, 424 00:15:54,464 --> 00:15:56,968 but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 425 00:15:57,069 --> 00:16:00,575 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. 426 00:16:00,676 --> 00:16:02,112 Until they grow up. 427 00:16:02,213 --> 00:16:05,451 And then... in a moment, 428 00:16:05,553 --> 00:16:09,126 all those kids you fell in love with 429 00:16:09,227 --> 00:16:11,163 walk out the door at the same time. 430 00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:13,067 Jesus. 431 00:16:13,068 --> 00:16:14,469 Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. 432 00:16:14,571 --> 00:16:16,740 I'm just saying it goes fast. 433 00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:19,346 Like the expression... 434 00:16:19,447 --> 00:16:21,784 "You never know the last time you pick up your kid." 435 00:16:21,885 --> 00:16:23,387 The point we're making, Haley, 436 00:16:23,488 --> 00:16:25,491 is that it's natural to worry over your kids. 437 00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,562 It... It just means that you love them. 438 00:16:27,663 --> 00:16:30,335 So, I'm always gonna feel like I screwed them up somehow? 439 00:16:30,436 --> 00:16:31,972 Kind of. 440 00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:34,142 I mean, eventually, you'll be able to laugh at it... 441 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,315 probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children 442 00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:38,718 that they didn't screw up their babies. 443 00:16:39,559 --> 00:16:40,621 Thanks. 444 00:16:40,623 --> 00:16:42,759 No, actually, thank you. 445 00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:45,198 It's nice to know, as parents, that we can still have... 446 00:16:45,299 --> 00:16:46,333 Dad? 447 00:16:46,334 --> 00:16:48,271 I miss picking up my little girl. 448 00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:50,441 And it won't be the last time, damn it! 449 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:51,810 - Oh! - You want a piggyback ride, honey? 450 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,214 No. No. No. 451 00:16:53,315 --> 00:16:54,583 - You sure? - Okay, I'm calling it. 452 00:16:54,684 --> 00:16:55,752 Oh, my gosh! 453 00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:56,754 Okay, this is it! 454 00:16:56,755 --> 00:16:57,822 Uh... 455 00:16:57,823 --> 00:16:58,958 Hello? 456 00:17:01,538 --> 00:17:03,367 - The French fries were only okay. - Sorry about that. 457 00:17:03,468 --> 00:17:05,505 - Took a minute getting Jay to his car. - Mm. 458 00:17:05,556 --> 00:17:07,626 He saw a cloud that looked like his old football coach, 459 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,930 - and he didn't want to be alone. - Ohh! 460 00:17:10,032 --> 00:17:12,302 - Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh? - Yeah. 461 00:17:12,403 --> 00:17:13,471 Yeah. 462 00:17:13,572 --> 00:17:15,809 By the way... 463 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,681 I got a response to my Craigslist ad. 464 00:17:18,782 --> 00:17:20,552 Oh. Oh, that was fast. 465 00:17:20,653 --> 00:17:21,720 Yeah. 466 00:17:21,822 --> 00:17:23,524 Yeah, really nice couple, 467 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,061 soon to be empty nesters... 468 00:17:25,162 --> 00:17:27,766 three kids, two new grandkids. 469 00:17:27,867 --> 00:17:29,937 Wife's a little high-strung. 470 00:17:30,039 --> 00:17:31,540 Husband's a bit of an oddball 471 00:17:31,641 --> 00:17:33,444 with an infectious lust for life. 472 00:17:33,545 --> 00:17:35,215 They sound like weirdos. No sale. 473 00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:37,252 Phil, I'm talking about us. 474 00:17:37,353 --> 00:17:38,488 We should keep the RV. 475 00:17:38,589 --> 00:17:40,291 That is amazing. 476 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,462 What changed your mind? 477 00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:46,036 I think it was hearing all those stories tonight. 478 00:17:46,138 --> 00:17:47,372 And the kids'll be gone soon. 479 00:17:47,473 --> 00:17:49,676 We'll probably spend a lot of time on the road. 480 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,549 Might as well do it in the height of luxury... 481 00:17:52,650 --> 00:17:56,056 with a carpeted bathroom and a four-in-one game table. 482 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,692 - You're incredible. - Mm. 483 00:17:57,793 --> 00:17:59,696 What did I do to deserve a wife cool enough 484 00:17:59,797 --> 00:18:02,769 to let me keep my dad's RV and his newborn parrot? 485 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,277 - His newborn what? - Mmmmmwah. 486 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,214 - Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8... - Mmmmmm. 487 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,497 That was not the call I was expecting. 488 00:18:16,598 --> 00:18:18,568 Sweetie, I know. 489 00:18:18,669 --> 00:18:21,173 I-I saw the other coach celebrating on Instagram, 490 00:18:21,274 --> 00:18:23,611 uh, drenching himself in Gatorade... in the house. 491 00:18:23,712 --> 00:18:25,582 There was a rug. Who's gonna clean that up? 492 00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:27,252 Not him, I bet. 493 00:18:27,353 --> 00:18:29,590 I'm reading from your face that you didn't know until I just told you. 494 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:30,892 Now I'm just talking out of nerves. 495 00:18:30,994 --> 00:18:32,229 Damn it! I... 496 00:18:32,761 --> 00:18:34,399 I didn't get it? 497 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,772 I mean, I know I'm hard to read, but I really wanted that job. 498 00:18:37,873 --> 00:18:40,345 I'm so sorry. C-Come here. 499 00:18:40,446 --> 00:18:42,148 Wait, is that why you were selling California 500 00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:43,684 all night long to me? 501 00:18:43,785 --> 00:18:45,355 Because you wanted to soften the blow when I heard? 502 00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:48,261 - Yeah. - Well, that is weirdly sweet. 503 00:18:48,362 --> 00:18:50,164 - I'll be there in a second. - Okay. 504 00:18:50,266 --> 00:18:53,871 - Um... - Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed. 505 00:18:53,973 --> 00:18:55,608 - Ha ha! - It totally broke the ice. 506 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,078 We've been having so much fun! 507 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,314 Oh, honey! I'm so happy! 508 00:18:58,415 --> 00:18:59,650 Thanks. Me, too. 509 00:18:59,751 --> 00:19:01,587 He asked if I could go outside and get ice cream. 510 00:19:01,688 --> 00:19:03,658 - Can I? - O-Of course, yes. 511 00:19:03,759 --> 00:19:06,397 But just make good choices about the toppings. 512 00:19:06,398 --> 00:19:08,234 Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax. 513 00:19:10,306 --> 00:19:13,177 Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right? 514 00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,117 First date was a success, and we get an assist. 515 00:19:16,218 --> 00:19:17,719 S... Uh, sorry... football term. 516 00:19:17,820 --> 00:19:19,223 Eh, except it isn't. 517 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:20,960 Uh, by the way, what was that phone call you got? 518 00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:23,831 Oh. Uh crazy. 519 00:19:23,932 --> 00:19:25,235 Our adoption agency. 520 00:19:25,336 --> 00:19:26,570 From years ago? 521 00:19:26,671 --> 00:19:30,345 Y-Yeah, apparently, uh, they were migrating the database, 522 00:19:30,446 --> 00:19:33,885 and somehow, our profile got accidentally reactivated and... 523 00:19:33,987 --> 00:19:35,188 and somebody picked us. 524 00:19:35,289 --> 00:19:36,757 Wait, picked us? 525 00:19:36,858 --> 00:19:38,996 A-As in there... there's a baby? 526 00:19:39,097 --> 00:19:40,331 I know. Wild, right? 527 00:19:40,433 --> 00:19:42,335 W-Well, you... you told them no? 528 00:19:42,437 --> 00:19:44,540 Well, it felt wrong until I talked to you about it, 529 00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:46,744 but, yeah, I-I'll... I will. 530 00:19:46,845 --> 00:19:47,846 I'll tell 'em. 531 00:19:49,584 --> 00:19:51,387 It was really fun telling those stories tonight. 532 00:19:51,488 --> 00:19:52,556 Yeah. 533 00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:54,426 Really puts losing a job in perspective. 534 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,030 You know, none of our best memories 535 00:19:56,131 --> 00:19:58,468 have anything to do with work. 536 00:19:58,569 --> 00:20:00,538 They all have to do with that little girl right out there. 537 00:20:00,639 --> 00:20:02,642 Well, you know, she's not so little anymore. 538 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:06,450 Oh. Oh, I think we're about to have a hand-holding moment. 539 00:20:11,495 --> 00:20:13,064 You know, we got pretty good at this parenting thing, 540 00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:14,199 didn't we? 541 00:20:17,017 --> 00:20:20,545 Um... so, uh, we... we have to tell the agency tonight? 542 00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:26,857 Well, technically, we have 24 hours to, uh... decide. 543 00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:27,994 Okay. 544 00:20:36,065 --> 00:20:38,407 Jay. I'm sorry. 545 00:20:38,508 --> 00:20:40,578 I will never drug you again. 546 00:20:40,679 --> 00:20:43,117 But it was so nice to see you so open and honest. 547 00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:45,603 Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe." 548 00:20:45,638 --> 00:20:46,656 Who's that? 549 00:20:48,028 --> 00:20:50,531 It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. 550 00:20:50,632 --> 00:20:54,305 I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. 551 00:20:54,407 --> 00:20:56,576 Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. 552 00:20:56,678 --> 00:20:57,879 I love you! 553 00:20:57,981 --> 00:21:00,809 I know. We had this conversation four times last night. 554 00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:01,520 Really? 555 00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:05,027 Um, maybe you should check your call history. 556 00:21:06,731 --> 00:21:08,067 Oh, no. 557 00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:10,938 You inspire me. 558 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,575 And I think I'm rude to you sometimes 559 00:21:12,676 --> 00:21:14,479 because I'm scared of that, Phil. 560 00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:16,316 This is a long way of saying 561 00:21:16,417 --> 00:21:19,689 I think I finally have a best friend. 562 00:21:19,790 --> 00:21:21,393 You inspire me. 563 00:21:21,494 --> 00:21:22,762 And I think I'm rude to you somet... 564 00:21:25,669 --> 00:21:27,746 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com