1 00:00:01,310 --> 00:00:03,895 So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, 2 00:00:03,979 --> 00:00:06,398 "Oh, my God, there's something in the basement." 3 00:00:06,481 --> 00:00:08,275 "Let me just run down there in my underwear" 4 00:00:08,358 --> 00:00:09,943 "and see what's going on in the dark." 5 00:00:10,027 --> 00:00:12,696 And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." 6 00:00:12,779 --> 00:00:16,450 And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered? 7 00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:19,244 Well, uh, my story's kind of like that. 8 00:00:20,746 --> 00:00:22,831 It's a surprise for Spencer. 9 00:00:22,914 --> 00:00:25,542 I'm just gonna walk in and drop my coat on the ground. 10 00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:30,047 He says he has this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, 11 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:32,132 and he's helping me put myself through college. 12 00:00:32,215 --> 00:00:34,259 He didn't say the college part, did he? 13 00:00:34,343 --> 00:00:37,262 Um, no. I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character. 14 00:00:37,346 --> 00:00:39,681 Really? What's your stripper name? 15 00:00:39,765 --> 00:00:42,893 Uh, Rebecca Johnson. 16 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,145 Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? 17 00:00:45,228 --> 00:00:46,688 Boobies Johnson. 18 00:00:46,772 --> 00:00:48,273 Two Boobs Johnson. 19 00:00:48,357 --> 00:00:51,443 Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. 20 00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:53,654 I am so proud of you. 21 00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,409 Hello. 22 00:00:59,952 --> 00:01:01,578 I came home early. 23 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,080 Jess! What… 24 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,165 Who's Jess? 25 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,169 You're talking to Tiger Boobs. 26 00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:13,048 Oh… 27 00:01:13,131 --> 00:01:14,132 Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba. 28 00:01:14,216 --> 00:01:15,217 Uh… 29 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:18,679 I'm doing sexy things with a pillow. 30 00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:20,472 Just… 31 00:01:20,555 --> 00:01:23,809 She's doing sexy stuff to the plant right… 32 00:01:23,892 --> 00:01:24,893 Okay. 33 00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:27,020 I'll pick that up later. 34 00:01:27,104 --> 00:01:29,523 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:35,654 Who's that girl… 36 00:01:35,737 --> 00:01:37,155 It's Jess… 37 00:01:37,239 --> 00:01:38,240 Oh… 38 00:01:43,328 --> 00:01:45,664 So, that happened. 39 00:01:45,747 --> 00:01:48,333 That's why I need a new apartment. 40 00:01:48,792 --> 00:01:51,878 I'm sorry, what was the question again? 41 00:01:52,296 --> 00:01:54,715 Do you have any pets? 42 00:01:54,798 --> 00:01:56,425 Who's that girl? 43 00:01:56,508 --> 00:01:57,843 Who's that girl? 44 00:01:57,926 --> 00:02:00,012 - Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? 45 00:02:00,095 --> 00:02:01,138 It's Jess. 46 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:06,435 You know what's funny? 47 00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:11,189 When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women. 48 00:02:11,273 --> 00:02:13,066 We're all… That's… 49 00:02:13,150 --> 00:02:14,735 Why would you think that? That's crazy. 50 00:02:14,818 --> 00:02:16,778 - I mean, what… - Schmidt wrote the ad. 51 00:02:16,862 --> 00:02:19,781 Oh, I guess it was something about the words you used. 52 00:02:19,865 --> 00:02:24,620 It was like, uh, like, "sun-soaked" and "beige-y." 53 00:02:26,788 --> 00:02:28,665 - What are you doing? - Wow. 54 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,168 What about these? These look beige-y to you? 55 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,753 Sorry. 56 00:02:32,836 --> 00:02:34,254 I'm his trainer, so, uh, 57 00:02:34,338 --> 00:02:36,089 it's the house that Coach built right here. 58 00:02:36,173 --> 00:02:38,133 What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth. 59 00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:39,426 This is LLS. 60 00:02:39,509 --> 00:02:40,552 Ladies Love Schmidt. 61 00:02:40,636 --> 00:02:42,679 What? What did you just say? 62 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,598 Go put a dollar in the jar right now. 63 00:02:44,681 --> 00:02:46,099 - Are you serious? - Yeah. Now. 64 00:02:46,183 --> 00:02:47,351 Damn it. 65 00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:48,518 LLS? 66 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:49,937 What is wrong with you? 67 00:02:50,687 --> 00:02:52,439 This place is beautiful. 68 00:02:52,522 --> 00:02:53,732 Gets so much light. 69 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,360 Spencer hated light. 70 00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:57,486 It's hard to say his name. 71 00:02:57,569 --> 00:02:58,695 It's okay. 72 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,280 Nick knows. He got dumped. 73 00:03:00,364 --> 00:03:01,823 Dumped. 74 00:03:01,907 --> 00:03:03,450 Yeah, I got dumped. 75 00:03:03,533 --> 00:03:06,036 - I can't hear you! - Yes, we're breaking up. 76 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,080 - No! La-la-la-la-la! - I'm breaking up with you. 77 00:03:08,163 --> 00:03:09,164 I need some time away… 78 00:03:09,247 --> 00:03:11,750 Yeah, I got dumped. 79 00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:13,043 She dumped me. 80 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,169 And I'm over it. 81 00:03:14,252 --> 00:03:16,505 - Okay, it was six months ago, guys. - Mmm-hmm. 82 00:03:16,588 --> 00:03:17,589 Get past it. 83 00:03:17,673 --> 00:03:19,673 I don't even know why we're still talking about it. 84 00:03:19,716 --> 00:03:21,426 Why's everybody looking at me? 85 00:03:25,347 --> 00:03:27,265 You know what, I want to live here. 86 00:03:27,349 --> 00:03:29,309 Actually, I… I still have some questions. 87 00:03:29,393 --> 00:03:31,728 I mean, no offense, you know, but we barely know you. 88 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:35,148 Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, 89 00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:38,193 I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, 90 00:03:38,277 --> 00:03:40,570 so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing 91 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,989 at least six or seven times. 92 00:03:42,072 --> 00:03:43,240 A day. 93 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:44,574 Um, I'm a teacher, 94 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:48,078 so I bring home a lot of Popsicle sticks, stuff like that. 95 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,956 Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot. 96 00:03:51,039 --> 00:03:52,874 A lot 97 00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:55,669 I'm tired of living with my friend. 98 00:03:55,752 --> 00:03:58,505 She's a model. All her friends are models. 99 00:03:58,588 --> 00:04:00,340 Uh, how soon can you move in? 100 00:04:00,424 --> 00:04:01,883 - Actually, slow up. - Not happening. 101 00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:03,447 Okay, uh, could you give us a second? 102 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,887 I just got to… Got to talk to my boys. 103 00:04:05,971 --> 00:04:07,451 "My boys" is not a thing around here. 104 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:08,783 - My bros. - Okay, douchebag jar. 105 00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:10,225 - For what? - For "My bros." 106 00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:12,644 I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. 107 00:04:12,728 --> 00:04:14,479 Okay, you guys? Models. 108 00:04:14,563 --> 00:04:15,564 I say no. 109 00:04:15,647 --> 00:04:17,566 I need to be able to come home from work, 110 00:04:17,649 --> 00:04:20,736 sit on my couch and let my beans out. Let 'em breathe! 111 00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:22,529 Nick, it's all you, buddy. 112 00:04:22,613 --> 00:04:24,197 Well, first let me say, 113 00:04:24,281 --> 00:04:26,533 I think you guys make some really interesting points, 114 00:04:26,617 --> 00:04:28,535 points that I respect, but I will say this. 115 00:04:28,619 --> 00:04:30,912 I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, 116 00:04:30,996 --> 00:04:33,832 and so I know that there are pros and real cons, guys. 117 00:04:33,915 --> 00:04:35,459 - Nick, you're weak! - Okay, pro… 118 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,627 They smell nice. 119 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:37,878 Cons… 120 00:04:37,961 --> 00:04:39,713 Every once in a while, the mood changes 121 00:04:39,796 --> 00:04:41,089 and you're not sure why. 122 00:04:41,173 --> 00:04:42,693 They'll ruin your life if you let 'em. 123 00:04:42,758 --> 00:04:44,801 They'll break down your will to live. 124 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,511 Pros, they're really good at folding. 125 00:04:46,595 --> 00:04:47,596 Make a decision! 126 00:04:47,679 --> 00:04:49,556 I'm sorry, but, like, another pro, like… 127 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,700 - Oh, don't do it. - I'm gonna. 128 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,351 - Put it down. - Don't hood me. 129 00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:54,311 You guys don't know what you're talking about. 130 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:56,314 - Don't hood me. - I know what I'm talking about. 131 00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:57,540 - Okay. - Pushed him too hard. 132 00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,191 We did push him too hard. How about this? 133 00:04:59,274 --> 00:05:01,276 Executive decision. She's in. 134 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,320 Yay, I'm in! 135 00:05:08,617 --> 00:05:11,119 You are not gonna regret this. 136 00:05:12,871 --> 00:05:15,123 …the time of my life. 137 00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:19,294 No, I never felt like this before. 138 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:22,005 Yes, I swear it's the truth. 139 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,298 Ow! 140 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,051 What have you done, Schmidt? 141 00:05:31,682 --> 00:05:33,100 I got to go, Mom. 142 00:05:33,183 --> 00:05:35,435 No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. 143 00:05:37,354 --> 00:05:39,022 No, I don't think so. 144 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:42,651 Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the Internet? 145 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:44,987 - Yes, I am. - He says no. 146 00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:47,406 No, look, I got to go. Okay. 147 00:05:47,489 --> 00:05:49,032 All right, love you. Bye. 148 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,993 So the Wild West party's on Saturday. 149 00:05:51,076 --> 00:05:54,579 I'm trying to get us in, but you may need to call Caroline. 150 00:05:54,663 --> 00:05:55,998 - Not calling her. - Hear me out… 151 00:05:57,291 --> 00:06:00,085 Had the time of my life. 152 00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:02,838 We are in this situation because of you. 153 00:06:02,921 --> 00:06:05,674 I hate your face, Spencer. I love you. 154 00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:08,010 It has been a week of this madness. 155 00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:09,803 I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. 156 00:06:09,886 --> 00:06:11,680 You know what, I got this. 157 00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,810 Hi, Coach. 158 00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:18,312 Stop it. 159 00:06:19,855 --> 00:06:20,856 Stop. 160 00:06:20,939 --> 00:06:23,483 Schmidt. 161 00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:24,943 Okay, all right. 162 00:06:25,027 --> 00:06:27,029 I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. 163 00:06:27,112 --> 00:06:28,905 Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. 164 00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,533 All right, all right. 165 00:06:31,617 --> 00:06:33,577 Hey, Jess, how you doing? 166 00:06:35,078 --> 00:06:36,747 You look fantastic. 167 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,415 What if you came out with us tonight? 168 00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:40,125 You know, after work. 169 00:06:40,208 --> 00:06:42,419 You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out, 170 00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:43,712 we'll get you a rebound. 171 00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,757 - A rebound? - Yeah. 172 00:06:47,215 --> 00:06:48,967 I don't know if I'm ready. 173 00:06:49,051 --> 00:06:50,260 You're totally ready for it. 174 00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:51,928 I'll take you through the whole thing. 175 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,597 I'll be… I'll be like your guide. 176 00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,516 Like Gandalf through Middle-earth? 177 00:06:57,392 --> 00:06:58,685 Probably not like… Okay. 178 00:06:58,769 --> 00:07:01,563 First of all, let's take the "Lord of the Rings" references, 179 00:07:01,647 --> 00:07:05,692 let's put them in a deep dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever. 180 00:07:05,776 --> 00:07:07,027 Except Sméagol. 181 00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:08,654 He lives in a cave. 182 00:07:08,737 --> 00:07:10,238 You know what, Jess, come on. 183 00:07:10,322 --> 00:07:12,032 Let's just take the head off the couch. 184 00:07:12,783 --> 00:07:14,618 - Come on. Sit up, girl. - There you go. 185 00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:17,704 Look at that. Doesn't that feel good? 186 00:07:17,788 --> 00:07:19,414 There we go. 187 00:07:19,915 --> 00:07:22,709 I think that sounds nice. 188 00:07:22,793 --> 00:07:26,171 She's going out to find a rebound. 189 00:07:26,254 --> 00:07:28,256 Who's that girl? It's Jess. 190 00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:32,094 Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself? 191 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,471 I'm… I'm gonna fix it. 192 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:38,600 I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. 193 00:07:38,684 --> 00:07:40,560 This party is everything to me. 194 00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:42,771 Please, Nick. We go every year. 195 00:07:42,854 --> 00:07:45,107 You have no idea what I'm going through at work. 196 00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:47,067 Just trying to do my work! 197 00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:49,069 - I'm trying to do a good job here! - Nice tie. 198 00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:50,862 Can I borrow a tampon? 199 00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:55,284 Schmidt, I'm not calling her. 200 00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:56,535 Listen to me. 201 00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:57,619 Knowing every year 202 00:07:57,703 --> 00:08:00,414 I'll be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty 203 00:08:00,497 --> 00:08:04,626 reminds me that I'm still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl 204 00:08:04,710 --> 00:08:07,254 who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation, 205 00:08:07,337 --> 00:08:09,673 which is not racist, because it is for a good cause. 206 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:12,134 - Somebody's in here. - We're leaving in 10 minutes. 207 00:08:12,217 --> 00:08:14,761 - Did you shave your legs? - I will now. 208 00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:16,346 Front and backs? 209 00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,015 - Yes. - Thank you. 210 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,182 I'm gonna kill myself now. 211 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:22,019 Just call Caroline. You call her all the time when you're drunk. 212 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,478 What are you referring to? 213 00:08:24,479 --> 00:08:26,356 Hello, Caroline. 214 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,442 I still love you. 215 00:08:28,859 --> 00:08:30,444 So much. 216 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,864 So…much. 217 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,241 I'm not calling her. 218 00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:38,535 Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, 219 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,038 but wouldn't it be better to find a girl 220 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,915 who you really care about to motorboat? 221 00:08:43,999 --> 00:08:46,752 Then maybe, if you're super lucky, 222 00:08:46,835 --> 00:08:50,464 you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back. 223 00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:52,382 I don't think she knows what motorboating is. 224 00:08:53,925 --> 00:08:55,927 Jess, we are leaving in five. 225 00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,054 Hey. 226 00:08:57,387 --> 00:08:59,264 Hey, Coach, what's… 227 00:09:00,724 --> 00:09:01,850 Sorry. 228 00:09:03,602 --> 00:09:07,147 Um, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, 229 00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:08,315 which is ridiculous. 230 00:09:08,398 --> 00:09:11,818 Spin, woman! Spin! Aah! Go! 231 00:09:11,902 --> 00:09:13,278 You're so mean! 232 00:09:13,362 --> 00:09:15,197 I'm not mean, I'm trying to help you! 233 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,823 I'm trying to help you! 234 00:09:16,907 --> 00:09:20,035 So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that. 235 00:09:20,118 --> 00:09:22,120 Sure, sure. Absolutely. 236 00:09:22,204 --> 00:09:25,248 Um… Well, first of all, 237 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,376 maybe think about what women like to talk about. 238 00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:29,878 You know, like, use me for practice. 239 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,880 All right. Um… 240 00:09:31,964 --> 00:09:34,341 Ahem. Shopping. 241 00:09:34,424 --> 00:09:37,636 Is that fun…for you guys? 242 00:09:37,719 --> 00:09:39,429 Yeah, shopping's fun. 243 00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:42,057 Uh, the other day I bought a pair of jeggings. 244 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:45,394 They look like jeans, but they're really leggings. 245 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,522 Uh… Uh… 246 00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,316 You… I… 247 00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:53,902 Who cares? 248 00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:55,487 Sorry. 249 00:09:56,613 --> 00:09:58,657 Um, good job. 250 00:09:58,740 --> 00:10:01,952 Uh, couple things you could work on. 251 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,746 Uh, one, lowering your voice. 252 00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,206 Right on. 253 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:08,333 Um, two, listening. 254 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,129 - Uh, three, rage. - Absolutely. 255 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,505 Um, four… 256 00:10:13,588 --> 00:10:15,632 Your hair is on fire. 257 00:10:20,512 --> 00:10:21,847 Beers and a rosé. 258 00:10:22,764 --> 00:10:26,810 Pink wine makes me slutty. 259 00:10:26,977 --> 00:10:29,313 Whoa, cute guy alert. 260 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:35,444 Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this. 261 00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,779 You want to forget about Spencer, you're gonna have to 262 00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:40,032 do some very, very bad things… 263 00:10:40,657 --> 00:10:43,076 With that man right over there. 264 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,536 How bad? 265 00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:47,247 Real bad, Jess. Real bad. 266 00:10:47,331 --> 00:10:49,458 Like a make out sesh, no tops? 267 00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:53,170 Okay, this is what… This is what's gonna happen. 268 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,881 You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him 269 00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:56,965 and you're gonna smile. 270 00:10:58,592 --> 00:10:59,926 You're not gonna smile like that. 271 00:11:01,219 --> 00:11:03,096 You look like a hungry badger. 272 00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:05,932 Stop that. 273 00:11:06,016 --> 00:11:07,309 Okay, I got this, I got this. 274 00:11:07,392 --> 00:11:08,792 You got it. Just go make it happen. 275 00:11:08,852 --> 00:11:10,062 Game on! Grind it out! 276 00:11:10,145 --> 00:11:11,480 - Go do it! - Grind it out! 277 00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:17,069 Hey, sailor. 278 00:11:19,404 --> 00:11:20,465 - Oh, all right. - All right. 279 00:11:20,489 --> 00:11:22,074 That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that. 280 00:11:22,157 --> 00:11:23,992 You can come back from that. You're all good. 281 00:11:24,076 --> 00:11:26,495 Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt! 282 00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:28,789 Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! 283 00:11:28,872 --> 00:11:30,040 - That's right. - What's up? 284 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,333 - What's up, man? - All right. 285 00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:33,418 - P-Funk, what's up, dude? - This is Coach. 286 00:11:33,502 --> 00:11:34,711 What's up, Coach? 287 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,426 You like parties? 288 00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:42,803 Don't talk to me. 289 00:11:42,886 --> 00:11:43,887 Yeah, okay. 290 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,555 You know who likes to party hard, right? 291 00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:46,932 Yeah. So you coming on Saturday? 292 00:11:47,015 --> 00:11:49,017 I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there. 293 00:11:49,101 --> 00:11:50,102 Ah, maybe, yeah. 294 00:11:50,185 --> 00:11:52,145 Heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No? 295 00:11:52,229 --> 00:11:53,230 Are you not on the list? 296 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,482 Man, I'm on every list. You know that. 297 00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,567 Ah. That sucks, man. 298 00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,111 Keep your head up, all right? 299 00:11:59,194 --> 00:12:01,613 All right, player. Do your thing. It was good seeing you. 300 00:12:01,697 --> 00:12:02,823 Take it sleazy, man. 301 00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:04,491 All right, man. P-Funk, always. 302 00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:07,035 - Nick, please. - Why are you friends with those guys? 303 00:12:07,119 --> 00:12:09,162 Please get me in the party. I'm begging you. 304 00:12:09,246 --> 00:12:10,539 No, I'm not calling Caroline. 305 00:12:10,622 --> 00:12:13,083 You know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? 306 00:12:14,751 --> 00:12:17,087 Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. 307 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,631 I don't think you're trying that hard. 308 00:12:19,715 --> 00:12:22,968 Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so… 309 00:12:23,051 --> 00:12:26,221 What if God was one of us? 310 00:12:26,305 --> 00:12:27,723 Make it stop! 311 00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:30,892 Just a slob like one of us… 312 00:12:32,227 --> 00:12:34,521 Look at us. Couple of losers. 313 00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:36,898 We both got dumped. Geesh. 314 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,483 I'm fine. 315 00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:40,235 Six months ago, so… 316 00:12:40,319 --> 00:12:41,546 Do you know why she dumped you? 317 00:12:41,570 --> 00:12:43,280 I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad. 318 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,698 No, it made no difference to me. 319 00:12:44,781 --> 00:12:46,533 I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. 320 00:12:46,617 --> 00:12:49,411 So you were always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it?" 321 00:12:49,494 --> 00:12:52,039 "Was there something I could have done differently?" 322 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,751 You know what happens to people who keep it all inside. 323 00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,837 They get old, and they get sad, and they get weird, 324 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,257 and then you're the old man yelling at the kids running across your yard. 325 00:13:02,341 --> 00:13:04,593 And you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard." 326 00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:06,261 "My life's filled with regret." 327 00:13:07,262 --> 00:13:10,182 You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. 328 00:13:11,350 --> 00:13:15,854 Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow 329 00:13:15,938 --> 00:13:19,483 and drive a unicorn around, and just sing all the time. 330 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,693 Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. 331 00:13:21,777 --> 00:13:23,904 No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess. 332 00:13:23,987 --> 00:13:25,822 Why not? It's fun. 333 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,282 Because I have a penis. 334 00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:29,993 My name is Nick, I have a penis. 335 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:33,497 And I'm not gonna let any feelings out. 336 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:37,334 Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings. 337 00:13:37,668 --> 00:13:39,544 Yeah. I know. 338 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:44,091 Hey. I'm Peter. 339 00:13:44,174 --> 00:13:46,093 What are you drinking? 340 00:13:46,218 --> 00:13:47,761 Oh, I'll have another pink wine. 341 00:13:48,512 --> 00:13:49,846 I like your glasses. 342 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,264 They help me see. 343 00:13:54,017 --> 00:13:55,477 She's doing all right? 344 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,187 Schmidt stain! 345 00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,022 Hey, man, I was thinking, 346 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,400 it's probably better that you don't come to the party. 347 00:14:01,483 --> 00:14:03,777 That means more breasts for me. 348 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:07,322 You better step down, son. You're taking this whole thing too far. I'm ser… 349 00:14:07,406 --> 00:14:08,615 Hold me back, Coach. I'm ser… 350 00:14:08,699 --> 00:14:10,284 Hold me back. Hold me back! 351 00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,786 - Coach, would you please hold me back? - No. 352 00:14:12,869 --> 00:14:14,746 Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax. 353 00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:16,039 Nice. See you there, Schmitty. 354 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,541 Ah, totally, broseph. 355 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,001 Yeah, I texted Caroline. 356 00:14:19,084 --> 00:14:20,210 You texted Caroline? 357 00:14:21,044 --> 00:14:23,463 It's no big deal. It's behind me. It's in the past, so… 358 00:14:23,547 --> 00:14:25,799 Thank you. I love you, bro. 359 00:14:25,882 --> 00:14:27,426 Yeah, there it is. 360 00:14:27,551 --> 00:14:28,911 Did you just kiss my arm a little? 361 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,304 You bet I did. It felt right. 362 00:14:30,387 --> 00:14:32,097 So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. 363 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:34,725 Yeah, cool. Call… Cool. 364 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,935 What's happening tomorrow, sailor? 365 00:14:37,019 --> 00:14:38,979 You know what? You guys were totally right. 366 00:14:39,062 --> 00:14:41,940 I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, 367 00:14:42,024 --> 00:14:44,151 I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, 368 00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,987 and it totally worked. He asked me out. 369 00:14:48,030 --> 00:14:50,240 Dinner! With food. 370 00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:51,700 Ooh, ooh! 371 00:14:51,783 --> 00:14:53,423 - I'm so proud of you. - You got it, girl. 372 00:14:53,452 --> 00:14:55,245 - You did good. - Yeah, you put it diz-out! 373 00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:56,330 A date. 374 00:14:56,413 --> 00:15:00,917 It's Jess, she's on fire. 375 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,210 She's on fire. 376 00:15:03,378 --> 00:15:05,172 She's got some big ass panties. 377 00:15:05,255 --> 00:15:06,465 All right, should we tell her? 378 00:15:06,548 --> 00:15:08,133 I think we let her have her moment. 379 00:15:18,977 --> 00:15:20,687 Do the shoes fit, Jess? 380 00:15:22,230 --> 00:15:23,398 I'm okay. 381 00:15:23,482 --> 00:15:25,442 What, are you a model or something? 382 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,611 Yeah. 383 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,948 Yes. Mostly print right now, so… 384 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,324 What is it, Cece? 385 00:15:32,407 --> 00:15:33,951 Cecilia? 386 00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,203 Checilia? 387 00:15:36,578 --> 00:15:38,205 Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? 388 00:15:38,288 --> 00:15:40,999 You know, are you warm? I'm a little warm right now. 389 00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:42,834 - Don't, Schmidt. - All right. 390 00:15:42,918 --> 00:15:44,294 Oh, yeah. There it is. 391 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,673 Please put your shirt back on. 392 00:15:47,756 --> 00:15:49,800 Please don't make me laugh at you. 393 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,385 Can I hit you up with some tea? 394 00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:53,679 A little herb tea. 395 00:15:53,762 --> 00:15:55,389 Oh, my God. 396 00:15:55,472 --> 00:15:57,349 How good is that? For real? What? 397 00:15:57,432 --> 00:15:59,059 Little p-mint tea? 398 00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:00,811 Yum, right? 399 00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,646 Hot, sweet. 400 00:16:03,272 --> 00:16:05,315 Little tea bag action. 401 00:16:05,983 --> 00:16:07,859 And, I wasn't… 402 00:16:07,943 --> 00:16:09,361 I wasn't talking about… 403 00:16:09,444 --> 00:16:11,780 There it is. Douchebag. 404 00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:13,740 Listen to me, you guys. 405 00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:16,159 Jess is by far the best person that I know, 406 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,829 so, if you guys let anything happen to her, 407 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,331 I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you. 408 00:16:23,333 --> 00:16:24,793 I'm gonna be honest with you. 409 00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:27,421 I did not hear a word that you just said, 410 00:16:27,504 --> 00:16:29,631 'cause I can kind of see your party hats right now. 411 00:16:29,715 --> 00:16:31,008 - There you go. - Jess! 412 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,260 Yeah, I can see the party hats for sure. 413 00:16:33,343 --> 00:16:35,429 Why are you talking like this? 414 00:16:38,682 --> 00:16:39,850 I fell off my heels. 415 00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:42,352 Okay, all right. Now, come on. 416 00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,563 - Get up. - Oh, what am I doing? 417 00:16:44,646 --> 00:16:46,523 I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible? 418 00:16:46,607 --> 00:16:48,358 What if I have nothing to talk about? 419 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,652 Then you go to the bathroom, and you call me, 420 00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,070 and you tell me all about it. 421 00:16:52,613 --> 00:16:54,698 Maybe I just shouldn't go. 422 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,283 Babe, you got hurt. 423 00:16:56,366 --> 00:16:59,369 That doesn't mean you stop trying. Okay? 424 00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:02,080 - Yeah, okay. - Okay, let's go. Come on. 425 00:17:06,335 --> 00:17:08,337 You got to take off those overalls. 426 00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,547 I was going for, like, a… 427 00:17:11,214 --> 00:17:13,508 Like, a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing. 428 00:17:13,592 --> 00:17:17,804 You know, like, "Oh, I'm going to go milk my cows" 429 00:17:17,888 --> 00:17:19,473 "with my bucket." 430 00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:20,974 Take 'em off. 431 00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:23,977 Okay. What am I gonna wear? 432 00:17:35,238 --> 00:17:36,365 Wow! 433 00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:39,451 Thanks, Coach. 434 00:17:42,913 --> 00:17:44,539 And then she does that. 435 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,751 I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over. 436 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,503 Wait. Have you been texting him? 437 00:17:49,586 --> 00:17:50,796 Is that bad? 438 00:17:52,381 --> 00:17:54,216 No. It's nice. 439 00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:56,760 Have a good night. 440 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,387 This is gonna be great. 441 00:17:59,429 --> 00:18:02,140 Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian. 442 00:18:02,224 --> 00:18:04,476 Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too. 443 00:18:04,559 --> 00:18:05,560 Coach, I got your back. 444 00:18:05,644 --> 00:18:07,187 No, Nick. I want to hear it from him. 445 00:18:07,271 --> 00:18:09,606 Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts? 446 00:18:09,690 --> 00:18:12,067 Excuse me. Is, uh, Caroline… I'm looking for Caroline. 447 00:18:12,150 --> 00:18:14,778 - We're supposed to be on some list. - Hey, Nick. 448 00:18:16,238 --> 00:18:17,364 Thanks. 449 00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:20,492 Sorry I'm wearing this stupid thing. 450 00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:22,244 Schmidt made me do it. 451 00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,705 - Thank you so much for getting us in. - Yeah. No problem. 452 00:18:24,788 --> 00:18:27,582 Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank calling me. 453 00:18:27,666 --> 00:18:30,919 - What? - "Hello… Caroline." 454 00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:32,963 "I still loves you, I do." 455 00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:35,632 You got to figure that out. Some crazy person's calling you. 456 00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:38,468 You look nice. It's good to see you. 457 00:18:39,303 --> 00:18:42,889 Um, I… I think I'm almost finished out here, if you… 458 00:18:42,973 --> 00:18:45,809 Do you want to go grab a drink? 459 00:18:46,435 --> 00:18:47,811 - Yeah. - Yeah? 460 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,479 Sure. Yeah. Let's… 461 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,690 - You and I just get a drink. - Let's get a drink. 462 00:18:51,773 --> 00:18:53,001 - Just be normal about it. - Okay. 463 00:18:53,025 --> 00:18:55,986 Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. I just… I have to ask you something 464 00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:59,239 so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret. 465 00:18:59,323 --> 00:19:01,158 But why did you dump me? 466 00:19:01,617 --> 00:19:04,661 Um… Do… Okay. 467 00:19:04,745 --> 00:19:07,873 Are we doing this here, like, now? 468 00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:10,375 Yeah. 469 00:19:10,459 --> 00:19:11,835 Why did you dump me? 470 00:19:12,377 --> 00:19:13,837 Um… 471 00:19:15,672 --> 00:19:21,136 Honestly, I… I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up. 472 00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:25,849 Okay. 473 00:19:26,975 --> 00:19:28,644 Let's get that drink. 474 00:19:28,727 --> 00:19:30,062 Get along, little doggy. 475 00:19:30,145 --> 00:19:33,315 Well, howdy there, muchachos. 476 00:19:33,857 --> 00:19:36,360 Hey, where's Jess? 477 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,570 Oh, dude, she texted me seven times. 478 00:19:38,654 --> 00:19:40,864 Like, long ones. I just wanted to hook up. 479 00:19:40,948 --> 00:19:44,660 So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? 480 00:19:44,743 --> 00:19:47,120 Yeah, that's what I did. I called her. 481 00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:49,915 Are you kidding me? 482 00:19:50,332 --> 00:19:52,167 See you inside, Schmidt. 483 00:19:54,503 --> 00:19:55,754 Nick? 484 00:19:56,046 --> 00:19:57,464 Want to get that drink? 485 00:20:00,217 --> 00:20:02,886 No. I got to go help a friend, Caroline. 486 00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:06,139 No, no, no, no, no. Guys, this is the party of the year, you guys. 487 00:20:06,223 --> 00:20:07,703 This is our night. This is our night! 488 00:20:07,766 --> 00:20:09,246 I'm going with Nick, man. You coming? 489 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,578 I thought you guys were my boys! 490 00:20:10,602 --> 00:20:12,604 "My boys" is not a thing, Schmidt. Stop. 491 00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:15,899 We're coming, Jess! 492 00:20:39,298 --> 00:20:44,011 Do you have anything else that is free, but also has bread in it? 493 00:20:44,094 --> 00:20:47,097 Because the… The, like, good bread I ate, and the… 494 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:48,724 All that's left is, like, a… 495 00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:50,726 It's, like… It's kind of like a health bread. 496 00:20:50,809 --> 00:20:51,810 I'm sorry. 497 00:20:51,893 --> 00:20:54,354 We're going to have to ask you to give up the table. 498 00:20:56,189 --> 00:21:00,902 Um, can I please just stay just a little bit longer? 499 00:21:00,986 --> 00:21:02,237 We're here! 500 00:21:02,321 --> 00:21:03,322 Yup. 501 00:21:03,405 --> 00:21:04,948 We're here, Jess. We're here. 502 00:21:05,073 --> 00:21:06,366 We're here for the date. 503 00:21:06,450 --> 00:21:07,784 - Date thing. - Phew. 504 00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:08,869 You're all on a date? 505 00:21:08,952 --> 00:21:09,953 Yeah. 506 00:21:10,037 --> 00:21:11,496 We, uh… We're her boyfriends. 507 00:21:11,580 --> 00:21:12,873 We are reverse Mormons. 508 00:21:12,956 --> 00:21:14,875 - One man just isn't enough for her. - Okay. 509 00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:19,963 - Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk. - Yeah. 510 00:21:20,047 --> 00:21:21,715 He was a clown. 511 00:21:21,798 --> 00:21:26,553 You guys missed your party to come here and…see me? 512 00:21:26,637 --> 00:21:30,015 Yeah. We, uh… We care about you. 513 00:21:30,098 --> 00:21:31,308 We like you. 514 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,101 That's so nice. 515 00:21:33,185 --> 00:21:35,103 - What is that? - Don't start crying. 516 00:21:35,187 --> 00:21:36,229 Come on. 517 00:21:36,313 --> 00:21:37,606 It's cool. It's very, very cool. 518 00:21:37,689 --> 00:21:38,941 Come on, Jess. Come on. 519 00:21:39,024 --> 00:21:40,317 - Please? - Stop it! 520 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,401 - Coach. - All right. 521 00:21:41,485 --> 00:21:43,904 It's okay. Hey. Don't cry. 522 00:21:44,488 --> 00:21:46,782 For I've had. 523 00:21:47,324 --> 00:21:49,409 The time of my life. 524 00:21:49,493 --> 00:21:50,827 What is he doing? 525 00:21:50,911 --> 00:21:53,246 And I've never felt this way before. 526 00:21:53,997 --> 00:21:56,083 Yes, it's true. 527 00:21:56,166 --> 00:21:58,710 Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and something. 528 00:21:58,794 --> 00:22:00,128 Something, something… 529 00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:02,798 Oh, those bears in my house. 530 00:22:02,881 --> 00:22:05,092 And it's the song that makes you really, really happy 531 00:22:05,175 --> 00:22:07,010 I'm not, uh… I'm not participating in this. 532 00:22:07,094 --> 00:22:12,057 Just remember you're the one thing. 533 00:22:13,225 --> 00:22:16,144 I can't get enough of. 534 00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,614 - I've had… - Best. 535 00:22:27,698 --> 00:22:29,908 The time of my life. 536 00:22:29,992 --> 00:22:32,536 And I owe it all to you. 537 00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:33,662 Come on, what time is it? 538 00:22:33,745 --> 00:22:36,832 The time of my life… 539 00:22:36,915 --> 00:22:38,292 Hey! 540 00:22:39,001 --> 00:22:40,002 It was nice. 541 00:22:40,085 --> 00:22:41,628 You have to leave now, all of you. 542 00:22:43,046 --> 00:22:45,757 I've had. 543 00:22:45,841 --> 00:22:48,844 The time of my life. 544 00:22:50,554 --> 00:22:53,015 And I never felt this way before 545 00:22:53,098 --> 00:22:58,395 I swear it's the truth, and I… 546 00:22:58,478 --> 00:23:00,772 You're right, Jess, this movie's pretty good. 547 00:23:03,317 --> 00:23:05,402 Seriously, thank you guys so much for tonight. 548 00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:07,279 That was really cool. 549 00:23:07,362 --> 00:23:10,574 …through every open door. 550 00:23:10,699 --> 00:23:14,453 Listen, Jess, I know you've had a really rough go of it, 551 00:23:14,536 --> 00:23:17,247 and I just want you to know that… 552 00:23:17,331 --> 00:23:21,543 I mean, for me, at least, that no matter what, 553 00:23:22,169 --> 00:23:24,504 I would still totally do you. 554 00:23:25,297 --> 00:23:26,882 Aw, that's so sweet. 555 00:23:26,965 --> 00:23:28,508 Yeah. Absolutely. 556 00:23:28,592 --> 00:23:29,593 Jar. 557 00:23:29,676 --> 00:23:30,677 - Yeah. - Jar.