Ooh.
Scary movie.
I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
We're not watching this, Jess.
We're watching it.
So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
We're not scared, we're dudes.
You know what we should watch?
Have you guys ever seen Fame?
It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare,
taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time.
The cafeteria, the street…
That's so much blood. It's spurting!
Mmm, that was good.
That guy's gonna blow himself up.
Wah, wah.
Why would that guy blow himself up?
Sorry. I saw it in the theater.
You know what else we should watch?
An American Tail.
It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a…
- All right. - Wait.
Where are you guys going?
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?
Hey, girl, where you going?
Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl? - It's Jess!
- Do you know where you're taking her? - No.
Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots?
It's been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out?
It's not a date, Schmidt.
Actually, I don't know what it is.
She's, uh… She's a little hard to read.
Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like…
- Do you want to go on a date? - Yeah.
We, like, go for dinner, and, like, the two of us, like, do stuff.
- Is that a yes? - I know, right?
- Seriously, wanna get dinner… - No, I know.
Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious.
I get it. Led Zeppelin is classic, but I mean, it's no, like, Steve Miller Band.
Steve Miller Band? The Joker?
Oh, yeah. No, I love The Steve Miller Band.
Okay, look. You've been out of the game for a while.
I have three date packages. They work every time.
Package A, close-up magic, dinner, drinks.
Package B, close-up magic, drinks.
Package C…
Close-up magic.
You have a date? Fun!
I want to talk to you guys about this stuff.
With Amanda.
- Schmidt. - Amanda?
From the bar? Whoa!
She's a looker.
Hatchie-matchie!
Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
No.
Whoa! Big-deal alert.
Scary stuff, kids.
Yeesh!
Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
This is why I don't talk to you.
Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it.
Just, you know, suck in the gut.
What gut?
The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.
All right.
Well, you say with this riddim you have a patch?
Yellowman mend it.
And if you haffi done mend it Me set it.
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng.
Zungguzunggugu-zungguzeng.
Seh if yuh have a paper yuh must have a pen.
And if yuh have a start yuh must have a end.
Seh five plus five, it equal to 10.
And if yuh have goat…
I had a lot of adventures in this room
while you were gone, Winston.
How'd the job interview go?
You know, terrible.
Did you see the JWoww retweet and Gaga Twitpic?
I know Word, and I can open a document…
Save it… Save as, print,
print preview…
She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never even heard of.
You gotta get up to speed, man.
The chitchat is the interview.
I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia.
I was playing ball year round. I didn't read the news.
I have no idea what happened in America.
I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
From… From the past two years?
- Give me the highlights. - Highlights. Okay.
- Uh, country's broke. - Mmm-hmm.
Betty White's back.
Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of The Golden Girls?
All dead, man.
Damn. You know what? Give me your computer.
I gotta get started, man. I'm going in.
Lady Ann a yuh so take fe toy.
Playgal all dem call him joy.
Yuh nuh fe call Yellowman nuh bwoy.
Yuh nuh fe call John John nuh bwoy.
Yuh nuh fe take I and I fe bwoy.
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng.
Watch it!
It is what it is.
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng…
Hey, Nick, can you turn down that music?
'Ca Yellowman make yuh feel so fine.
Me chat all me lyric Me chat dem in a rhyme.
Me nuh eat lime it full of a rhyme…
Hey, Nick, can you…
What… What are you…
Oh, my God!
Look at you. You're like an animal.
What are you watching now?
The King's Speech and Human Centipede.
Next up, Precious and David After Dentist.
- I think you're doing a good job. - Test me.
Pretend this is an interview. Hit me with the chitchat. Ask me anything.
Chitchat. Let's go.
- Forget it. - Let's go! What are you waiting for, man?
You're getting intense right now.
- You're the intense one. - You need to bring it down.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Something's happened.
It was totally an accident.
Not a big deal.
I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it.
But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
- What? - What'd she say?
I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
But it's not a big deal.
Ain't no thing.
Ain't no thaaang.
- Oh, Nick, hey. - Hey.
So, that was weird, right?
I'm running out the door, Jess.
I think we should talk about it.
Talk about what?
About me seeing…
Your peen.
The peen what I saw.
Bonjour, le peen.
You're blocking the door.
Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
Tell that guy to behave.
- The adventure begins. - Okay. Excuse me, Jess.
That was so horrible.
What am I gonna do? He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
You have?
I mean… how?
We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools,
- penis fights… It just happens. - Why haven't I seen it?
- Why do you want to see it? - He's my best friend.
Again, why do you want to see it?
What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured,
and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts?
And I'm standing there and I'm saying, "Sorry, Officer, I can't help you,"
"because no, I haven't seen his penis."
And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
Again, why do you want to see it?
- What did it look like? - What do you mean?
Just say when.
Just sa… Serious…
Seriously? Are you se… Are you serious?
Okay, you know what, this is impossible.
I'm starting over.
Schmidt, I need your help.
Okay… All right, Jess, fine.
What happened after you walked in?
I don't know. I kind of laughed.
Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick.
Nick is delicate, like a flower.
Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.
Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened.
We live together. We're a family.
Families talk about things.
No. Families ignore things until they go away.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
Mom, Mom, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
No one wants to talk about their feelings, Jess.
Never talk about this again.
Okay. I'll ignore it.
I'm not gonna talk about…
Or sing about it.
The bing-bong
I'm done.
This is my… My chambre.
What does that mean?
You're a good kisser.
Can we… Can we be serious?
Do you mind just being serious?
I'm gonna get serious, on your face.
I have no idea what that means.
Actually, let's not laugh when you're near my penis.
Take it off.
Here, just take your shirt off.
Can't…
Here. Do…
Do you want me to go first?
You're offering just to take your… Oh, my God!
Look at you.
Take off your clothes now.
President Obama.
Yeah, I like him to watch over me.
Do you, like, want to take it slow… or something?
- This is nice. - Yeah.
It's starting to even look like a triple rainbow.
Oh, my God, it's full-on!
Hi, Nick.
So I guess your date went well.
Sleepover party.
I have something from school that, um… Made me think of you.
It's a Feeling Stick.
Whoever's holding a Feeling Stick has permission to say
whatever he or she is feeling without being judged.
I'll go first. Um…
I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
Believe it or not…
That's not the first time someone's broken my Feeling Stick.
- I have a travel size. - No.
- Mmm-mmm. - Nick, wait!
Nick, we have to talk about this.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees.
And I didn't mean to laugh. I just…
Then why did you laugh?
Is there something funny about it?
No.
Beautiful.
Stately.
A real treat.
Oh, my God.
I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music.
That's really cool.
You should explore your sexuality.
- Nick? - Excuse me.
Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time.
We have to talk about this.
Ugh! Nick!
Nick, please talk to me.
Jess, there's nothing to talk about.
You ruined my date.
Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess,
I heard your little…
Your little crazy giggle scream.
And all I want to do is have meaningless sex
with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles.
But I can't, because I can't get your little…
Out of my head.
Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex.
- Maybe that's not your style. - I have a bing-bong and chickadees.
It is my style.
Stop following me.
Then stop running away from me.
I just want to have a mature conversation.
How can we have a mature conversation
when you can't even say the word "penis"?
I can say the word "pen…"
- Say it. - I…
Yernyas.
- What? - Peernis.
You said peernis.
Penis.
Not singing.
Penis.
Not like a ghoul.
I… I can say it!
- Pianist. - No, you said "pianist."
- Enispay! - Not pig Latin.
- Peernis. - Okay, not in Swedish.
- Pemo. - Not in fake Italian.
Penis!
Shut up!
- Say it with me. Pe… - Pe
nis… Neers.
Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
- Hey, man. - Ahhh!
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
- What? - Just the gun.
- No. - Just the roses.
- What? - Just the hub, where it connects.
- Get out. - Fine!
- I thought we were best friends. - We are.
Apparently not.
- Best friends don't do this, Schmidt. - They do it all the time.
- You laughed? - Yeah, I couldn't help it.
Did you freak out and make that noise?
What? I don't always make a noise.
Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex.
I really messed up.
Ah, guys are simple.
You know what I would do? I would just make it even.
You've seen his, show him yours.
No.
I can't do that.
Hey, Winston.
Oh, no.
Oh, man. The interview?
- Did you mess up? - No, I didn't mess up.
Killed it. I was amazing.
At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
- That's a good thing, right? - The woman asked me
why I wanted to sell medical supplies.
I had no answer.
I've done anything but play basketball my entire life.
"Winston Bishop is an American basketball player"
"who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks."
Winston, did you write the part about the ducks?
- I don't even like ducks that much, man. - Oh, okay. Look, man.
You got to get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
I was the guy who was good enough to play in Latvia.
And then one day, I don't know, man, I just lost it.
They found another black guy.
Labak melno virietis.
- Means "The better black guy." - A better melno?
- You're the best melno. - I don't know, man.
I just don't know what comes next.
You know what you do next? Get up.
Let's get up. Come on, buddy.
We'll get you out of the house, get you moving. It's gonna feel good.
Whoo! This feels good.
Totally. I love it.
You know, I think I was just scared, man.
I've been playing basketball my whole entire life.
What if I was wasting my time?
Maybe I should have been figuring out my life like you.
I don't have anything figured out.
I'm a fully-grown man with roommates.
I have a stupid job. I'm single.
My best friend won't even let me see his penis.
I mean, my whole life is a sham.
I actually feel a lot better.
Thanks, Schmidt.
Winston, my legs!
- Schmidt? - My legs are seizing up.
- Schmidt! - I hate my life. I hate my…
Making new discoveries. I'm a fear-based person, apparently.
Stop it. Go. I need a…
Give me a hug, please. 911.
Ow. Ow.
Hey.
I'm sorry about last night, Amanda.
So you're… You're, like, super into cuddling.
No, I'm not super into cuddling.
I'm just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous.
I've heard that I'm not great at talking about what I'm feeling all the time,
and so I'm sorry about last night.
Honesty.
I like that.
Really nice.
Oh, yeah?
Here we go.
- Oh, yeah! - You're so hot.
I can't believe you're into me.
Okay.
- Yeah. - All right. Wow.
- Yeah. - Oh, wow, this is happening.
- Take off your pants. Take off your pants! - Okay, okay.
- Take your pants off. - Take them off?
- Yeah. Take them off. - You want me to?
- Okay. Want me to take these off? - Yeah.
- Lights on, pants off. Here we go. - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, I'm totally cool with this.
- Yeah. - Okay. All right.
- Good. - Okay.
What are you doing?
What is… Who is that?
What are you doing?
Hi. I'm Jess. Welcome to our home.
We live in a world with rules.
We knock. We have doors.
And we knock on those doors.
- I'm sorry, Nick. - Just knock!
Nick… I…
- Put that down. - But we have to talk…
Nothing to talk about.
I feel that Nick is not honoring the Feeling Stick.
I feel me, too.
I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day,
and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend,
he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
I feel supported.
What is going on with you two?
What are you doing?
I feel Nick is yelling.
Stop it!
Yo. I just wanted to thank you for taking me running.
Made me feel a lot better.
Now, I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile.
I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic.
I needed that.
I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
You know what I learned from the Internet?
We got nothing to worry about.
Everybody has their moment.
We might get a cat one day. That cat might play the keyboard.
A bear might fall on our trampoline.
We don't need to have it figured out right now.
Our moments will come.
Hey, man.
Let's keep bro'ing out.
Come in.
Jess, you don't have to knock once you're in the room.
I worked on something for you.
All right.
Penis.
Very good.
Thank you.
Um, so did Amanda call you back?
No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Maybe you were right.
Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Well, you know, maybe when you are,
you'll be able to show her your other penis.
Your heart penis.
- Get out of my room. - Okay.
Hey, um…
When I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see…
Everything?
Yup.
Even my… gumbo pot?
Ugh! Gumbo pot? Get out.
Get out, Schmidt.
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.