1 00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:04,213 Fourth Thursday in November. 2 00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:07,091 That is when we must remember. 3 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,094 How the Pilgrims would have died. 4 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:13,806 If not for friendship of a tribe… 5 00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:17,143 - Hi. - Hi. Thank you so much 6 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:19,228 for helping backstage this year. 7 00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:21,152 Really, it's made… It's made such a difference. 8 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,815 - That's nice. - Yeah. 9 00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:25,568 How… How is your boyfriend? 10 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,236 - We broke up. - Oh, sorry. 11 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,655 - Good riddance! Just kidding. - Oh. 12 00:00:30,323 --> 00:00:32,158 What are you doing for Thanksgiving? 13 00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,535 Well, um, I always spend it with my grandmother… 14 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:36,788 - That's so nice. - …but she just died. 15 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:39,707 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. That's terrible. When? 16 00:00:39,791 --> 00:00:41,042 Well, it was about a month ago. 17 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:42,978 It was while I was writing the Halloween madrigal. 18 00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:44,712 No wonder it was so deep. 19 00:00:44,796 --> 00:00:46,380 What's it all about? 20 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:48,132 Is there any point? 21 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:49,967 Do we start dying. 22 00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:56,140 The moment we are born? 23 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,060 Well, I better go warm up the gourds. 24 00:01:01,646 --> 00:01:02,647 Paul! 25 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,065 Yeah? 26 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,113 Well… Oh! 27 00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,739 What is that? 28 00:01:11,823 --> 00:01:14,242 I went to five grocery stores, 29 00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:17,537 and I got the last turkey in America. 30 00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:20,260 No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving, okay? We talked about this. 31 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,625 We're just gonna watch football, drink beer 32 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,836 and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday. 33 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,712 Or as I like to call it, "Friday." 34 00:01:26,796 --> 00:01:29,674 It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving. 35 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,485 Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send, that's not a thing. 36 00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:32,986 - It's real, man. It's totally real. - It's not real. 37 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,050 We're not calling it that. 38 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,532 It has been two years since I've had an American Thanksgiving. 39 00:01:36,556 --> 00:01:38,367 - We talked about this. - Look, it's not a big deal. 40 00:01:38,391 --> 00:01:40,726 I'm just cooking dinner for you guys…and Paul. 41 00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,019 - What? - What? 42 00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:44,605 - Hmm? What? - Did you say "and Paul"? 43 00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:45,898 Who's Paul? 44 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,776 Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house? 45 00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:51,821 Yes, I did. I asked someone out. 46 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:53,156 Asked someone out? 47 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,324 Jess, be honest, is the turkey named Paul? 48 00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:56,951 It's a real guy. 49 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,036 And he teaches at my school. 50 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,830 And he's really, really hot! 51 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:06,669 And the turkey is named Hank… Hanksgiving. 52 00:02:06,753 --> 00:02:09,881 And we are gonna eat him, so… 53 00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:11,466 Hanksgiving. 54 00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:17,638 Hey, girl, whatcha doing? 55 00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:22,477 Hey, girl, where you going? 56 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,644 Who's that girl? 57 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,104 Who's that girl? 58 00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,606 Who's that girl? 59 00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,858 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 60 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,407 Don't worry, guys, I will do everything. 61 00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:39,952 Are we gonna be able to hang out with Paul or is he also a teacher? 62 00:02:40,036 --> 00:02:41,204 No, he's a total guy's guy. 63 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,932 He normally spends Thanksgiving with his nana, but she just passed away. 64 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:47,293 That's a great plan, Jess, be the girl who replaces his dead nana. 65 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,669 I know! 66 00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:51,047 Guys, look, this is a bad idea. 67 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,941 He's gonna be our fifth roommate, I'm telling you. 68 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,050 It's a first date. 69 00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:56,302 We don't know him, okay? We got to figure out 70 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,025 whether or not he's the right guy for us. 71 00:02:58,096 --> 00:02:59,597 We deserve to be happy. 72 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,099 You guys, don't even get up. 73 00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,309 Just enjoy your beers. It's gonna be a great meal. 74 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:05,645 Just curious, does anybody know anything about cooking? 75 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,313 - Mmm-mmm. - No pressure. 76 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,315 Just, like, cooking a turkey, for example. 77 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,192 It says you need some kind of string. 78 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:12,735 - Trussing string. - Don't, Schmidt. 79 00:03:12,819 --> 00:03:14,654 That's a good turkey tip. You got more? 80 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:18,574 Here's a tip. Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in 14 hours. 81 00:03:18,658 --> 00:03:21,494 Here's another tip. Don't ask a guy out on a first date 82 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,704 on the least sexy holiday in America. 83 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,289 What are the most sexy holidays? 84 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,542 The most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, 85 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,711 uh, Independence Day, obviously, 86 00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:33,506 Women's History Month and Christmas. 87 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,299 - Will you help me? - No, definitely not. 88 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,801 What if I invite Cece? 89 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,429 Don't do it, Schmidt. Beer, football, Black Friday. 90 00:03:39,512 --> 00:03:40,930 Thanksgiving with Cece. 91 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,723 - No, Schmidt. - Okay. 92 00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:43,933 - No, no! - No, Schmidt! 93 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,416 But I want to let you know up front 94 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,396 that I've got some control issues in the kitchen, 95 00:03:47,437 --> 00:03:49,248 so I'm gonna do this, I'm cooking the whole meal. 96 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:50,457 I don't want you touching anything. 97 00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:52,042 And I don't want to hear, "Schmidt, Schmidt, 98 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,152 "you're using too much tarragon," because I'm not. 99 00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,487 - You will never hear that from me. - I'm in. 100 00:03:56,571 --> 00:03:58,656 - Come on, Schmidt! - Yes! 101 00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:01,492 So, this guy's gonna thaw out by tomorrow, right? 102 00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:03,119 What are we, scientists? 103 00:04:07,582 --> 00:04:08,767 Hey, look at that, it's ready. 104 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,711 What am I gonna do? He comes in three hours! 105 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:15,006 Oh, God. I can't get it in! 106 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,358 We've all been here, am I right? 107 00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:17,592 Jar. 108 00:04:22,597 --> 00:04:24,908 Maybe if I take off all my clothes and I get in bed with him, 109 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,809 the heat of my body will warm it up. 110 00:04:26,893 --> 00:04:28,871 I'm not gonna lie. This is turning me on a little bit. 111 00:04:28,895 --> 00:04:29,896 It is? 112 00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:31,814 - Hey, guys. - Cece! Thank God. 113 00:04:31,898 --> 00:04:33,658 Come down here and lie on the turkey with me. 114 00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:34,942 Oh, hell, yeah, do that. 115 00:04:35,026 --> 00:04:36,360 Yeah, do it. That'd be good. 116 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,739 - This is a terrible idea. - Yeah, 100%. 117 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,136 I put it on "permanent press." 118 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,870 Good, so you don't have to iron it. 119 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:49,165 No! He's here early! How do I look? 120 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:50,448 It's better if you don't know. 121 00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:57,840 - Hi! - Hey! 122 00:04:57,924 --> 00:04:58,925 - Come on in. - All right. 123 00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:00,259 Paul, everybody! 124 00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:01,469 - Hey. - Hey-yo. 125 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,263 - Welcome to our home. - Thank you. Hey. 126 00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:08,309 It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey. 127 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:11,479 On a Thanksgiving Day-ay-ay. 128 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:16,359 My belly's wanting something A pie made out of pumpkin. 129 00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:20,113 In every gobble-gobble way-ay-ay. 130 00:05:21,614 --> 00:05:23,616 I didn't know you were going back to back. 131 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,910 - Happy Thanksgiving. - Oh, my God, there's two of them. 132 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,078 It's good to see you. 133 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:33,000 Um, so, I'm just gonna freshen up. 134 00:05:33,084 --> 00:05:34,168 Oh, thanks. 135 00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:36,045 And I'll be right back. 136 00:05:37,672 --> 00:05:40,383 I forgot to tell you, Paul brought his violin, 137 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:43,761 and with a little coaxing, he might fiddle with the old horsehairs. 138 00:05:43,845 --> 00:05:46,931 Only if you don't mind being enchanted. 139 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:49,892 I just want to watch the game. 140 00:05:49,976 --> 00:05:52,228 Hey, Nick, can I talk to you? 141 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:54,647 I just need you not to do that thing that you do. 142 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,190 What thing? I don't do a thing. 143 00:05:56,274 --> 00:05:58,594 Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face. 144 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,421 Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face. 145 00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:02,238 Just talk to him like a normal human being. 146 00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:06,993 Not about politics or small business loans or the Google conspiracy thing, okay? 147 00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:09,763 I've only seen him at school, and I really want to wow him tonight, okay? 148 00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:12,707 Please, he's the only guy I've liked since Spencer. 149 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:15,209 I'm not good at this stuff, so please just help me. 150 00:06:16,669 --> 00:06:18,337 All right, fine, I'll help you. 151 00:06:18,838 --> 00:06:19,964 Shake on that, pardner? 152 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,883 I don't want to do it like that, though. 153 00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:24,135 - Fair enough. - Fair enough. 154 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:25,553 Can I sit here? 155 00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,018 Parsley? 156 00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:36,272 Guy roommates. 157 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:37,815 Three guys. 158 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,026 It's intimidating. 159 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:45,072 I gotta be honest, it's intimidating coming to that arena. 160 00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:46,811 It's hard to get to know people. 161 00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:50,119 It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. 162 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:53,873 Bet you're the bear who has the bed that's just right. 163 00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:56,667 It's a teacher joke. Sorry. 164 00:06:56,751 --> 00:06:58,187 Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Paul. 165 00:06:58,211 --> 00:06:59,813 Um, just so I get to know you a little better 166 00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,065 - and you can know me better… - Yeah. 167 00:07:01,089 --> 00:07:02,149 …we're gonna play a little game. 168 00:07:02,173 --> 00:07:04,300 - Oh, great. Fun, yeah. - All right? 169 00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:05,384 I'm gonna say something, 170 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,987 and you're gonna say the first thing that pops in your head. 171 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:08,012 Kazoo. 172 00:07:09,097 --> 00:07:11,182 Okay, we haven't even started yet. 173 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,476 Okay. I'm gonna stick with kazoo. 174 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,980 Right. Okay, um, "boundaries." 175 00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:19,107 Important. 176 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:21,609 Okay, um, "other people's stuff." 177 00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,528 - Private. - Good. 178 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:26,155 Uh, "loud early morning sex." 179 00:07:26,948 --> 00:07:29,534 Nice work if you can get some. 180 00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:33,955 - Hey, Paul. - Hey, Nicholas. 181 00:07:34,038 --> 00:07:35,349 What's going on, guys? Nicholas, wow. 182 00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:37,208 Just two dudes playing word-association games, 183 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,811 kicking back a couple of pumpkin ales. 184 00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:40,128 I think that's a lager, right? 185 00:07:40,211 --> 00:07:41,963 Mmm-mm, this is an ale. 186 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:43,816 It has to do with the fermentation process. 187 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,717 Could be, could be. Uh, hey, do you want to watch football, the Lions? 188 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:51,013 Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions of Des Moines. 189 00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:52,449 They're, uh… They play every Thanksgiving, right, 190 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,475 because they're the most ferocious of the teams. 191 00:07:54,559 --> 00:07:56,727 - Lions from Detroit. - Detroit Lions. 192 00:07:56,811 --> 00:07:57,812 That's another… 193 00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,773 What you gobbling about, turkeys? 194 00:08:09,115 --> 00:08:12,076 Anyone who tells you the future of gravy is nitrogen-based 195 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,370 is cooking with blinders on, Cece. 196 00:08:14,454 --> 00:08:17,748 What is… Are you… Did you wash your hands? 197 00:08:17,832 --> 00:08:19,542 - I'll wash them after. - Okay, no. 198 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,085 See, just… Can you just stop? 199 00:08:21,169 --> 00:08:23,880 Because now the entire bowl of walnuts is compromised. 200 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,798 Wow. You're very sanitary. 201 00:08:25,882 --> 00:08:27,717 Do you, uh, wash your hands 10 times a day? 202 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,677 Okay, look, don't worry, Cece. 203 00:08:29,761 --> 00:08:31,596 If I need to, I can get my hands dirty. 204 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,014 I mean, I get dirty all over. 205 00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,601 Would you eat this filthy walnut? 206 00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:38,853 Yeah, I mean, I'd eat the… Yeah. 207 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,271 Okay, open your mouth. 208 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:41,564 Open your mouth, Schmidt. 209 00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:42,690 No! 210 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,569 Beautiful savage. 211 00:08:48,321 --> 00:08:50,239 - Oh, intermission. - No, it's halftime. 212 00:08:50,323 --> 00:08:51,616 It's parade time. 213 00:08:52,909 --> 00:08:54,160 It's robot turkey. 214 00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,953 You know, it was Grandma's favorite. 215 00:08:56,037 --> 00:08:58,414 We used to love watching the parade together. 216 00:08:58,915 --> 00:09:00,291 She was the best. 217 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:02,627 Check it out. Here she is. 218 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,045 Here's the lady. 219 00:09:04,462 --> 00:09:06,631 - Oh, she's beautiful! - Yeah. We used to get 220 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:10,259 in the funniest arm-wrestling matches. 221 00:09:10,343 --> 00:09:11,844 Hey, uh, can I show you something? 222 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:13,387 Uh… 223 00:09:14,222 --> 00:09:16,766 - Picture here. That's my grandpa. - Aw. 224 00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,101 Died last year. 225 00:09:18,810 --> 00:09:20,144 I'm so sorry. 226 00:09:20,228 --> 00:09:22,480 - Sorry, Winston. - Thanks. Thanks, man. It's okay. 227 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,291 This picture right here was when he tried to quit drinking. 228 00:09:24,315 --> 00:09:27,610 That was a bad idea for everybody. 229 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:30,863 This is the first time he tried gelato. He did not like that. 230 00:09:30,947 --> 00:09:32,365 What was his name? 231 00:09:33,324 --> 00:09:35,034 His name was Nelson. 232 00:09:35,118 --> 00:09:36,577 Hey, Schmidt, how's it going? 233 00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:38,913 Well, I need some walnuts. I have no walnuts. 234 00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:41,100 I should go get those. You should stay here with the turkey. 235 00:09:41,124 --> 00:09:44,419 Though, shoot. I have had two pumpkin ales. 236 00:09:44,502 --> 00:09:46,671 I probably shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car. 237 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,881 Nick, how many pumpkin ales have you had? 238 00:09:48,965 --> 00:09:50,716 Oh, I've had zero pumpkin ale. 239 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,010 Then can you take Paul to the store, right? 240 00:09:55,138 --> 00:09:56,848 Gonna get some walnuts. 241 00:09:56,931 --> 00:09:58,599 Getting some walnuts 242 00:09:58,683 --> 00:10:02,103 I'm sorry, man, are you singing about what we're doing? 243 00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:04,730 Yeah, guess I was. 244 00:10:04,814 --> 00:10:06,291 Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. 245 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,859 Where are you from? 246 00:10:07,942 --> 00:10:10,611 - Chicago. - Oh, land of plenty. 247 00:10:10,695 --> 00:10:12,196 It's weird being in L.A. 248 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:13,739 It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. 249 00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:16,218 It feels like there should be, like, a little nip in the air, you know? 250 00:10:16,242 --> 00:10:18,077 A little bit of, like… Like… 251 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,371 - Yeah, totally. - …an autumn crisp. 252 00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:23,416 So, Jess said you're a lawyer, right? 253 00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:26,377 I dropped out of law school. I had three semesters to go. 254 00:10:26,461 --> 00:10:27,628 Oh, what? 255 00:10:27,712 --> 00:10:29,172 So close! 256 00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:31,095 So you're still trying to figure it out, right? 257 00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:32,359 That's… That's what your 20s are for. 258 00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:33,634 I'm 30, so… 259 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,976 Oh, Mr. Copycat. 260 00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:43,895 - That's where I get my copies made. - No way! 261 00:10:43,978 --> 00:10:45,646 - Yep! - You get your copies there? 262 00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:47,565 I don't… I don't. It was the other one. 263 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,067 - Oh, you have got to be kidding me, man. - No. 264 00:10:50,151 --> 00:10:51,903 That's right. 265 00:10:51,986 --> 00:10:54,071 I need long sustained mashes. 266 00:10:56,032 --> 00:10:59,327 Oh, hey, you've… You've got something on your nose right… 267 00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:01,037 What? What? 268 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,163 No! 269 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:04,081 What is wrong with you? 270 00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:06,125 Look at this recipe. Look at the recipe. 271 00:11:06,209 --> 00:11:07,543 Where in this recipe does it say, 272 00:11:07,627 --> 00:11:09,504 "Put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose"? 273 00:11:09,587 --> 00:11:11,798 Look at it. No… Here? Here? Here? 274 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:13,161 - Go on, show me! - Hey, Schmidt! 275 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,077 - Oh, hey. Hey. - Look, Paul, move. 276 00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,637 We got the nuts, Jess. 277 00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:19,656 I don't think Nick likes me very much. 278 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,140 No… 279 00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:24,393 Turkey! 280 00:11:26,104 --> 00:11:28,106 House on fire! Fire! 281 00:11:33,027 --> 00:11:34,487 Jar. 282 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:37,615 - It's like a Prince video. - Oh, my God. 283 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:38,741 Oh, I'm so sorry. 284 00:11:38,825 --> 00:11:40,743 I really wanted you to have a good time. 285 00:11:40,827 --> 00:11:43,013 Remember when it was only dudes living here, and we had no fires? 286 00:11:43,037 --> 00:11:44,247 This is ridiculous. 287 00:11:44,330 --> 00:11:46,016 Three months ago we didn't even know this girl. 288 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,917 My Lasik'd eye is freaking out. 289 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,229 Okay, that's it. We're leaving. Guys, let's get out of here. 290 00:11:50,253 --> 00:11:52,839 - I've had a great time. - Paul, I am so sorry. 291 00:11:52,922 --> 00:11:54,983 We're going to the bar. We can't get rid of the smoke. 292 00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,008 Wait. 293 00:11:56,426 --> 00:11:57,718 Wait, wait, wait! 294 00:11:57,802 --> 00:12:00,096 Hold on, we can still do this. What are you guys doing? 295 00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:02,574 I have been dying to try that food you've been cooking all day. 296 00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:04,225 You've been slaving away in there. 297 00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:06,227 - What's your name again? - Schmidt. 298 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,830 - Right. - You know, it's my last name. 299 00:12:07,854 --> 00:12:09,897 Well, my last name is Genzlinger, 300 00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:13,359 and I'd like to eat the food that you've been making all day, Schmidt. 301 00:12:13,818 --> 00:12:15,570 Yeah, all right. Genzlinger. 302 00:12:15,653 --> 00:12:17,780 - I'm with Genzlinger. - I have an idea! 303 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:19,615 Let's go next door. 304 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:23,202 Mrs. Beverly's really great. She's visiting her sister, 305 00:12:23,286 --> 00:12:25,204 but she gave me her spare key for emergencies. 306 00:12:25,288 --> 00:12:27,748 So we're breaking and entering. That's a felony, FYI. 307 00:12:27,832 --> 00:12:29,375 Hey, law school! Nice! 308 00:12:29,459 --> 00:12:31,335 No, we're not breaking in. 309 00:12:31,419 --> 00:12:33,212 I gave her a key to our place, too. 310 00:12:33,296 --> 00:12:35,923 She sometimes has a problem with her shower. 311 00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:38,760 No, not you. 312 00:12:40,261 --> 00:12:42,555 What are you doing? You promised me you'd be nice to him. 313 00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:45,349 I was nice to him! I've been very nice to Paul. 314 00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:46,994 The whole car ride over, I was nice to him. 315 00:12:47,018 --> 00:12:48,162 You know what he tells me about? 316 00:12:48,186 --> 00:12:49,562 He likes Air Bud 2. 317 00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:50,646 He loves dogs. 318 00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:52,315 I know where he gets his copies made. 319 00:12:52,398 --> 00:12:53,524 He likes to whistle. 320 00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:57,195 He wanted to open the door with me, so when my hand went up, so did his. 321 00:12:57,278 --> 00:12:58,321 Oh, I get it. 322 00:12:58,404 --> 00:13:00,406 He's not cool enough for you. 323 00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:02,950 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. 324 00:13:03,034 --> 00:13:04,619 I'm Nick Miller. 325 00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:07,079 I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face. 326 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:08,247 Why don't you like him? 327 00:13:08,331 --> 00:13:09,411 Who cares? Do you like him? 328 00:13:09,457 --> 00:13:11,167 - Of course I like him. - Okay, fine! 329 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,461 Doesn't matter what I think, does it? 330 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,147 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him. 331 00:13:15,171 --> 00:13:17,215 I do. I want to. 332 00:13:17,632 --> 00:13:20,968 I want to have sex with him big-time. 333 00:13:21,052 --> 00:13:22,428 - Great. - You heard me! 334 00:13:22,512 --> 00:13:23,888 Big-time! Okay? 335 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,848 I want to take him down to Chinatown 336 00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:28,893 and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay? 337 00:13:29,227 --> 00:13:30,788 - What is pumpkin pie? - I want to do all the things 338 00:13:30,812 --> 00:13:33,439 that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? 339 00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:35,525 I want to do it standing up and sitting down, 340 00:13:35,608 --> 00:13:37,151 and half-up and half-down, 341 00:13:37,235 --> 00:13:40,655 and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, 342 00:13:40,738 --> 00:13:43,366 and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, 343 00:13:43,449 --> 00:13:44,867 and the… Give Me That Hat. 344 00:13:44,951 --> 00:13:48,162 Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. 345 00:13:48,246 --> 00:13:51,207 - And I don't care what you think! - Then why did you ask me? 346 00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:54,502 Hey, Jess. 347 00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:57,296 Uh, just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. 348 00:13:57,380 --> 00:13:59,465 And also, we can hear everything you're saying. 349 00:13:59,924 --> 00:14:00,925 What? 350 00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,593 Play through. 351 00:14:03,970 --> 00:14:05,471 After you, Jess. 352 00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:10,768 Excuse me. 353 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,857 So, um, just a heads-up. 354 00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:20,570 Uh, we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called… 355 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,405 "Big-Time." 356 00:14:22,488 --> 00:14:24,407 It's… It's about a man 357 00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:29,871 who, um, loves another man named Paul… 358 00:14:30,872 --> 00:14:34,208 And it's not very good. 359 00:14:35,626 --> 00:14:37,128 I'm so sorry. 360 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,800 I've done Give Me That Hat. 361 00:14:42,884 --> 00:14:45,970 Only, for me it was like, I… You know, I was like… 362 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,680 I was like, "Here, take my hat." 363 00:14:47,764 --> 00:14:49,140 Do you know what I mean? 364 00:15:00,526 --> 00:15:03,780 So how bad was it on a scale from one to bad? 365 00:15:03,863 --> 00:15:06,949 Let's put it this way. A normal guy would've left a long time ago, 366 00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:08,093 and he's still here, right? 367 00:15:08,117 --> 00:15:09,410 He's not normal. 368 00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:16,959 Schmidt yelled at me earlier. 369 00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:18,878 Oh, I'm so sorry. 370 00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,671 Did he get weird? He's weird about cooking. 371 00:15:20,755 --> 00:15:22,465 Did you touch his whisk? 372 00:15:22,715 --> 00:15:24,092 No, the thing is, Jess… 373 00:15:24,175 --> 00:15:25,635 Is I think I'm into him. 374 00:15:25,718 --> 00:15:27,261 What? Oh, God. 375 00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:29,823 Yeah, he's got this rage inside of him, this fury, and I just love it. 376 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:30,848 Hey, Schmidt? 377 00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:32,975 It's hour nine. I'm starving. 378 00:15:33,059 --> 00:15:35,311 Well, I can blanch or I can talk, but I can't do both. 379 00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:36,395 I'm going in. 380 00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:47,406 Nick… 381 00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:49,659 I gotta just say something to you. 382 00:15:49,784 --> 00:15:52,495 I feel like… You think I'm kind of annoying. 383 00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:55,140 You didn't have to come here to say that. You could've done it from over there. 384 00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:57,184 Okay. And if that's the case, which I don't know that it is… 385 00:15:57,208 --> 00:15:58,584 - It is. - I don't care. 386 00:15:58,668 --> 00:16:00,187 I actually feel sort of sorry for you, 387 00:16:00,211 --> 00:16:03,089 because at this point in your life, I know that you'll never dislike me 388 00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:04,549 more than you dislike yourself. 389 00:16:04,632 --> 00:16:06,801 Really? That's what you're going with, Violin? 390 00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:11,973 Want a little, um, napkin-folding music? 391 00:16:13,141 --> 00:16:14,350 Kind of need it. 392 00:16:19,856 --> 00:16:21,441 I can't believe you're still here. 393 00:16:21,524 --> 00:16:23,317 What do you mean? Of course I'm still here. 394 00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:25,862 Why wouldn't I be here? 395 00:16:25,945 --> 00:16:27,113 Hey. 396 00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:29,407 Let's talk about what happened earlier. 397 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:33,786 'Cause you made me feel like I was a really bad girl. 398 00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:35,163 I know I did, and… 399 00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:37,331 I'm really sorry, Cece. 400 00:16:37,707 --> 00:16:39,267 I'll never yell at you like that again. 401 00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,336 How about now? 402 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:45,131 Please… Please don't do that. 403 00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:46,257 Got my dirty little hands 404 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,717 - in your pudding. - Can you… 405 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:48,926 So gross… 406 00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,387 It's so gross. Please… Oh, God. 407 00:16:51,471 --> 00:16:52,472 Mmm… 408 00:16:53,973 --> 00:16:55,600 - So gross. - Yell. 409 00:16:55,683 --> 00:16:57,327 I really… I'd really rather you not do that. 410 00:16:57,351 --> 00:16:58,853 I haven't washed my hands since 3:00, 411 00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:00,688 - and I'm gonna double-dip. - It's so gross… 412 00:17:00,772 --> 00:17:02,106 How about now? 413 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,944 It's all the way… It's all the way in there, with all the… 414 00:17:07,028 --> 00:17:09,447 It's so unsanitary. Please, just put it… 415 00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:12,074 I'm-I'm begging you to… Please just take the towel! 416 00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:16,078 This may be none of my business, but I… I really have to ask you… 417 00:17:16,454 --> 00:17:18,289 Did anything happen between you and Nick? 418 00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:19,572 Like, did you guys go out, or… 419 00:17:19,624 --> 00:17:22,001 - What? - 'Cause I, I really don't want to get 420 00:17:22,085 --> 00:17:23,312 - in the middle of anything. - No. No. 421 00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:24,587 No, no, no, no. 422 00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,339 - No. - Good. 423 00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:28,674 Because I really want to see you again. 424 00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,009 Big-time. 425 00:17:33,221 --> 00:17:34,472 - Big-time. - Big-time. 426 00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:35,807 - Like the play. - Yeah. 427 00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:37,266 - Cool play. - It is. 428 00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:38,851 Do you really like him, Winston? 429 00:17:38,935 --> 00:17:41,646 Yes, man! He asked me my grandpa's name. 430 00:17:41,729 --> 00:17:43,689 You've never asked me my grandpa's name. 431 00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:45,959 I don't know, Winston, I always just thought he was your grandpa. 432 00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,252 I mean, you don't know my grandpa's name. 433 00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:50,071 You mean Mason on your dad's, or Charles on your mom's? 434 00:17:50,738 --> 00:17:51,948 Yeah, it's Mason and Charles. 435 00:17:52,031 --> 00:17:53,241 Ho, ho, ho, baby. 436 00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:55,827 Oh, that looks lovely. 437 00:17:55,910 --> 00:17:57,495 - Genzlinger! - Schmidt! 438 00:17:57,578 --> 00:17:59,122 - Yeah, buddy. - You kidding me? 439 00:17:59,205 --> 00:18:00,925 - Oh, it looks incredible. - It really does. 440 00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:03,209 What if you play something for us before we start? 441 00:18:03,292 --> 00:18:04,353 - Before? Oh, no, no. - Yes! 442 00:18:04,377 --> 00:18:05,753 - Please? - Play. 443 00:18:05,837 --> 00:18:08,005 - You're all hungry. - You know you want to do it. 444 00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:09,090 - Just do it. - Okay. 445 00:18:09,215 --> 00:18:10,216 Please? 446 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,635 - Twist my arm. Okay. All right. - Yeah! 447 00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:15,471 - Uh, duet from the pageant, huh? - Oh. 448 00:18:15,555 --> 00:18:17,390 - Big entrance. - Okay. 449 00:18:18,891 --> 00:18:21,686 Native Americans, gather ye round 450 00:18:21,769 --> 00:18:24,480 for I have a new friend I've met in the forest. 451 00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:27,817 Dead body! Dead body! 452 00:18:28,317 --> 00:18:29,569 Holy God! 453 00:18:30,736 --> 00:18:31,946 There's a dead body in there. 454 00:18:32,029 --> 00:18:34,091 - I think there's a dead body. - There's a dead body! 455 00:18:34,115 --> 00:18:35,324 There's a dead body! 456 00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,076 Oh! That is real. 457 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,161 - Ooh. - Oh! God. 458 00:18:38,244 --> 00:18:39,871 That's a real thing. 459 00:18:42,915 --> 00:18:44,667 Poor Mrs. Beverly. 460 00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:48,171 Oh, Ms. Beverly from the mailboxes. 461 00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:55,803 I'm so sorry, Paul. 462 00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:58,014 Oh, it was so fun. I had a great time. 463 00:18:58,097 --> 00:18:59,390 Anytime, bro. 464 00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:01,952 Hey, listen, we're gonna go to a Best Buy later and grab a new dryer. 465 00:19:01,976 --> 00:19:03,454 Totally stop by if you need anything. 466 00:19:03,478 --> 00:19:05,646 Oh, good, good. Okay. Thank you. 467 00:19:06,314 --> 00:19:07,857 Oh. Okay. 468 00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,442 Great. All right. 469 00:19:10,151 --> 00:19:11,986 Cool. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no. 470 00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,113 Coming in. Coming in. 471 00:19:14,405 --> 00:19:17,992 - Guys… No, no, no. - Get clear. 472 00:19:23,998 --> 00:19:25,958 At least she died doing what she loved. 473 00:19:26,042 --> 00:19:27,877 She was on the toilet, Jess. 474 00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:29,212 I'm starving. 475 00:19:29,295 --> 00:19:31,464 Really? Even after that great meal we didn't have? 476 00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:35,384 Oh, come on, Jess. Are you going to be mad at me all night? 477 00:19:35,468 --> 00:19:36,844 Are you cold? 478 00:19:37,428 --> 00:19:39,097 Do… Do you want my cardie? 479 00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,612 - You came. - Yeah. 480 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,864 When I was on that elevator ride from hell, 481 00:19:56,948 --> 00:19:58,991 the coroners told me to stop crying like a girl. 482 00:19:59,075 --> 00:20:00,177 I told them that was sexist. 483 00:20:00,201 --> 00:20:01,577 - You're right. - I am right. 484 00:20:01,661 --> 00:20:04,247 And then I decided, life is too short. 485 00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:05,706 So I went around the corner, 486 00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:07,643 picked up a couple of turkey subs for your friends… 487 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,043 - Yup. - They're foot-longers. 488 00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:12,547 And…here I am. Just a man and his violin. 489 00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,842 - You're amazing. - Hey, no cutting! 490 00:20:15,925 --> 00:20:17,605 - Is he cutting? - He's not cutting. Relax. 491 00:20:17,677 --> 00:20:19,804 - Guys! We got a cutter here! - Calm down, pal. 492 00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:22,598 Stop. He's not cutting. 493 00:20:22,682 --> 00:20:23,891 I saved his spot. 494 00:20:23,975 --> 00:20:26,310 - Calm down. - False alarm! 495 00:20:26,394 --> 00:20:28,187 He's just doing fair tradesies. 496 00:20:28,271 --> 00:20:31,524 Honestly, stop overreacting to cutting! 497 00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:34,193 I'm going to the back of the line. This spot's for Paul. 498 00:20:34,277 --> 00:20:36,237 - Thanks, Nick. - Thank you, Nick. 499 00:20:39,115 --> 00:20:40,366 Hey. Nick. 500 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:43,744 Wait. 501 00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:49,876 Let's go. Come on. 502 00:20:49,959 --> 00:20:51,669 Hey, I'll go back there, too. 503 00:20:53,671 --> 00:20:56,549 Thursday in November. 504 00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:59,343 That's the day we remember. 505 00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:00,654 How the Pilgrims might have died… 506 00:21:00,678 --> 00:21:02,930 It's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. 507 00:21:03,014 --> 00:21:04,974 If not for friendship of a tribe. 508 00:21:05,057 --> 00:21:07,018 Oh, oh, oh… 509 00:21:07,602 --> 00:21:10,313 Why don't you take the fiddle… 510 00:21:10,396 --> 00:21:13,441 Fiddle it up and fiddle it down. 511 00:21:13,524 --> 00:21:15,401 Fiddle it all over town. 512 00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:18,863 Thanks, Nick. 513 00:21:35,797 --> 00:21:37,507 Where the hell are they going?