1 00:00:01,477 --> 00:00:03,228 $50 in the douchebag jar? 2 00:00:03,312 --> 00:00:04,980 - Absolutely, man. - Yes, absolutely. 3 00:00:05,064 --> 00:00:07,000 - Why so much? - I feel like it should actually be 4 00:00:07,024 --> 00:00:10,319 more in the 100, 200 range, so that's a discount. 5 00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:12,029 Think about what you did, Schmidt. 6 00:00:14,156 --> 00:00:15,407 I lost it. 7 00:00:15,824 --> 00:00:17,201 I lost the party bus. 8 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:20,412 - The party bus for your birthday party? - Yeah. 9 00:00:20,496 --> 00:00:26,085 Apparently, my business isn't as important as Frankie Muniz's. 10 00:00:26,168 --> 00:00:27,252 They canceled my rez. 11 00:00:27,336 --> 00:00:28,976 There's nothing I can do. The party's off. 12 00:00:29,046 --> 00:00:30,964 You should torch them on Yelp. 13 00:00:31,048 --> 00:00:32,257 Actually, I can do it. 14 00:00:32,341 --> 00:00:34,069 I have an account under the name Fantastic Jacques. 15 00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:36,929 He's a French diplomat with very little patience. 16 00:00:37,012 --> 00:00:39,473 Or you could just get another bus. 17 00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:40,682 In two days? 18 00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:42,393 Okay, yeah, sure, Winston. 19 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,636 Why… Why don't I just go down to the party bus store, 20 00:00:44,687 --> 00:00:47,856 where all the party buses have a state-of-the-art sound system, 21 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:50,442 a stripper pole, a love grotto, 22 00:00:50,526 --> 00:00:52,444 and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob. 23 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,613 You honk the nipple. 24 00:00:55,030 --> 00:00:56,115 It's pretty awesome. 25 00:00:56,198 --> 00:00:57,358 Just have the party at a bar. 26 00:00:57,408 --> 00:00:58,826 Nick, this is it. 27 00:00:58,909 --> 00:01:00,828 This is my 29th birthday party. 28 00:01:00,911 --> 00:01:01,912 This is the year. 29 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,872 After this, I don't know, it's just… 30 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,250 Just all darkness. 31 00:01:12,464 --> 00:01:13,966 Was he crying a little? 32 00:01:14,049 --> 00:01:19,471 Hey, girl, whatcha doing? 33 00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:24,977 Hey, girl, where you going? 34 00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:26,103 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,563 Who's that girl? 36 00:01:27,646 --> 00:01:29,064 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:29,148 --> 00:01:31,400 - Who's that girl? - It's Jess! 38 00:01:39,408 --> 00:01:41,201 Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay. 39 00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:44,580 I'm not okay, Jess. 40 00:01:44,663 --> 00:01:47,750 I had to cancel my birthday party. It's social suicide. 41 00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:49,710 I can feel my it factor going away. 42 00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,730 And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin? 43 00:01:51,754 --> 00:01:54,298 Why are you so worried about Benjamin? He's your friend. 44 00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:57,342 Look, we have a very weird, girl-style friendship 45 00:01:57,426 --> 00:01:58,886 where we kind of hate each other. 46 00:01:59,511 --> 00:02:01,013 We're bronemies. 47 00:02:01,096 --> 00:02:02,306 He's my fremesis. 48 00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:03,640 I'm so confused right now. 49 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,005 Okay, look, Benjamin and I, we were suitemates in college. 50 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,913 Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A. We're going to have so much sex… 51 00:02:08,937 --> 00:02:12,483 In the morning, in the afternoon, at bedtime. 52 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:13,984 Mmm, peanuts. 53 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,668 I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna run that town one day. You'll see. 54 00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:20,366 I'm gonna write you a check right now for $100 million. How do you like that? 55 00:02:20,449 --> 00:02:21,617 Damn, dude. 56 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,452 And this is a real check. 57 00:02:23,535 --> 00:02:25,579 You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome. 58 00:02:25,662 --> 00:02:27,790 Give me about four years. Do the song. 59 00:02:27,873 --> 00:02:29,625 We built this Schmidty. 60 00:02:29,708 --> 00:02:33,879 We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls. 61 00:02:35,714 --> 00:02:36,965 If it wasn't for Benjamin, I… 62 00:02:37,049 --> 00:02:39,593 I never would have become a Los Angeles baller. 63 00:02:40,135 --> 00:02:41,178 Holla. 64 00:02:41,678 --> 00:02:43,278 I changed everything about myself, Jess. 65 00:02:43,347 --> 00:02:45,557 I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes, 66 00:02:45,641 --> 00:02:49,520 I even dropped my voice half an octave, but it wasn't enough. 67 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,480 I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess. 68 00:02:55,192 --> 00:02:57,152 Okay, I've got it. 69 00:02:57,236 --> 00:02:58,672 We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party. 70 00:02:58,696 --> 00:03:01,031 - No. - Yes, 'cause it's his 29th birthday, 71 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:02,116 and we care. 72 00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:04,076 Jess, Schmidt's world is different than ours. 73 00:03:04,159 --> 00:03:05,703 They speak a different language. 74 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,747 They shorten every word to one syllable, okay? 75 00:03:08,831 --> 00:03:11,208 He once called an oven an "ovs." 76 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:13,752 - He calls an airport "airp." - He called ketchup "ketch." 77 00:03:13,836 --> 00:03:18,298 Last month he went to a party called Bros before Hos on the Moon. 78 00:03:18,382 --> 00:03:19,633 What does that even mean? 79 00:03:19,717 --> 00:03:21,260 And the dress code was "yacht flair." 80 00:03:21,343 --> 00:03:22,553 - What? - Schmidt has a friend 81 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,847 who legally changed his middle name to Doin' It. 82 00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:27,057 - Yeah, Doin' It. - Just one word, Doinit. 83 00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:30,269 You are not emotionally, mentally, 84 00:03:30,352 --> 00:03:34,106 and spiritually prepared to throw these d-bags a party. 85 00:03:34,189 --> 00:03:35,482 I'm gonna do some research. 86 00:03:35,566 --> 00:03:37,192 Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go. 87 00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:38,378 - I apologize. - Where are you going? 88 00:03:38,402 --> 00:03:40,162 And why are you wearing your jury duty pants? 89 00:03:40,195 --> 00:03:42,614 I'm not, man, I'm just… Mumble, mumble, mumble. 90 00:03:42,698 --> 00:03:44,158 Come on, lawyer party. 91 00:03:44,241 --> 00:03:45,951 It's a classic fifth date. 92 00:03:46,035 --> 00:03:48,495 What are you talking about? I'm not gonna apologize for it. 93 00:03:48,579 --> 00:03:49,830 I got nothing to apologize for. 94 00:03:49,913 --> 00:03:51,850 - I owe you nothing. - No, I'm having a really fun time. 95 00:03:51,874 --> 00:03:53,500 I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater 96 00:03:53,584 --> 00:03:55,562 in front of a bunch of lawyers who are younger than me. 97 00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:57,796 Hello, I'm Bill Cosby. Do you like pudding? 98 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,716 My son's name is Theo and his best friend is Cockroach. 99 00:04:00,799 --> 00:04:02,051 That supposed to be Bill Cosby? 100 00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:03,469 Yeah. That's as good as I can do. 101 00:04:03,552 --> 00:04:04,612 - Let's see yours. - Would you like to hear 102 00:04:04,636 --> 00:04:05,697 - how he really sounds? - Yes. 103 00:04:05,721 --> 00:04:07,723 I want to get some more pudding. 104 00:04:07,806 --> 00:04:09,808 That's the worst Bill Co… How about this? 105 00:04:09,892 --> 00:04:12,061 I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable, 106 00:04:12,144 --> 00:04:14,355 and she's the cutest of all my daughters. 107 00:04:14,938 --> 00:04:16,940 I'm really glad that you're here with me. 108 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,744 Yeah, I'm happy you let me be here with you. 109 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:21,445 No, I really am because I got to, like, kiss all the asses 110 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:24,823 of these 24-year-old law students to try to get 'em to work here. 111 00:04:24,907 --> 00:04:26,075 I went to law school. 112 00:04:26,158 --> 00:04:27,910 - You went to law school? - Yes! 113 00:04:27,993 --> 00:04:30,329 - I quit. Yes. - Quit law school? Why? 114 00:04:30,412 --> 00:04:31,872 Because I realized I hated lawyers. 115 00:04:32,331 --> 00:04:34,083 He says to the lawyer. 116 00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:38,504 And for some reason I find you ridiculously attractive for saying that. 117 00:04:38,587 --> 00:04:40,631 Why don't you kiss my ass, then? 118 00:04:43,592 --> 00:04:45,552 Look, Julia, I got turned around. 119 00:04:45,636 --> 00:04:46,946 I thought we were doing a flirty back-and-forth… 120 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:49,074 I'm actually just kidding. I really do want to do that. 121 00:04:49,098 --> 00:04:50,432 - Oh, you would? - Mmm-hmm. 122 00:04:50,516 --> 00:04:51,809 Well, we can make that happen. 123 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:52,935 - Great. - Let's go. 124 00:04:53,018 --> 00:04:54,103 Let's go to your place. 125 00:04:54,186 --> 00:04:56,438 You want to just go back to your place? Do you mind? 126 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,232 Are you married or what? 127 00:04:58,315 --> 00:05:01,276 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not married. 128 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,028 I am the opposite of married. 129 00:05:03,112 --> 00:05:04,673 Before you, there was like… There was like nothing. 130 00:05:04,697 --> 00:05:07,116 I've got, like, no girls on the horizon. 131 00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:08,992 In a hot way. 132 00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:12,413 Why don't you ever invite me to your place 133 00:05:12,496 --> 00:05:15,582 or, like, tell me all that much about yourself? 134 00:05:15,666 --> 00:05:17,426 It's weird. I don't even know where you live. 135 00:05:18,001 --> 00:05:21,171 I'm 30 years old, and I live in a loft with three roommates. 136 00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:24,717 In a hot way. 137 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:29,054 But maybe you can kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby. 138 00:05:29,138 --> 00:05:30,139 All right, let's go. 139 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:31,542 - Is that going to work? - Uh-huh. 140 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,308 Wow, weird stuff works with you. 141 00:05:33,851 --> 00:05:37,688 Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper. 142 00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:41,692 Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage. 143 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:48,115 Very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold. 144 00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:49,658 Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I'll hold. 145 00:05:49,742 --> 00:05:51,094 - Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia. - Oh. 146 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,327 - Hi. - We're just saying hi. 147 00:05:52,411 --> 00:05:53,704 Nice to meet you guys. 148 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,347 Welcome to our home. Hold on one second. 149 00:05:55,497 --> 00:05:57,583 We're doing a surprise party for Schmidt. 150 00:05:57,666 --> 00:05:59,561 - Who is that? - Oh, I didn't tell you about Schmidt? 151 00:05:59,585 --> 00:06:01,336 - No. - That's our other roommate. 152 00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:02,897 - Other roommate. - You know what? You should come. 153 00:06:02,921 --> 00:06:03,922 - It's on Saturday. - Yes. 154 00:06:04,006 --> 00:06:05,007 Cool, yeah. 155 00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:07,027 You should stay as far from that party as possible. 156 00:06:07,051 --> 00:06:08,302 Is it like a presents thing 157 00:06:08,385 --> 00:06:11,764 or more like a donations to charity situation? 158 00:06:12,431 --> 00:06:14,183 - No? - Just bring yourself. 159 00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:15,535 Do you want to head to my room for a little bit? 160 00:06:15,559 --> 00:06:17,287 Give you the rest of the tour around the place. 161 00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:18,395 - Great, yeah. - Great. 162 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,480 Bye. 163 00:06:19,563 --> 00:06:20,564 Bye. 164 00:06:21,065 --> 00:06:22,399 Okay, cool. 165 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,276 Hey, Winston, why'd you do that? 166 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,778 Are you hiding her from us? 167 00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:27,446 Like, are you ashamed of your friends? 168 00:06:27,529 --> 00:06:29,169 100%, and you're not my friend right now. 169 00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,885 - You're my enemy, Winston. My enemy. - Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. 170 00:06:31,909 --> 00:06:33,827 - No, that's the problem. - Give me a kiss. 171 00:06:33,911 --> 00:06:35,829 Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty, you're the best. 172 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,167 Yes! I just hired my first stripper. 173 00:06:40,584 --> 00:06:42,044 Anything else I should get? 174 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,810 Do you like jazz cigarettes? 175 00:07:00,270 --> 00:07:01,271 Hi, Tanya. 176 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:03,941 Patti told me that… 177 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,184 Patti told you to break in my office to look for drugs? 178 00:07:09,154 --> 00:07:11,281 Hey, JK kidding. JK kidding. 179 00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,525 You can do whatever you want. 180 00:07:13,909 --> 00:07:16,269 I didn't know you liked to shop at the Confiscation Station. 181 00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,790 So what are you looking for? Grass? 182 00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:21,959 'Cause I can do a locker search on Monday. 183 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,502 Monday's too late because… 184 00:07:23,585 --> 00:07:27,256 Oh, so what do you got cooking this weekend, huh? 185 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,115 You have to tell me, I'm your boss. 186 00:07:29,341 --> 00:07:31,552 What is it, a list thing, Paperless Post? 187 00:07:31,635 --> 00:07:32,928 I'm free Friday, 188 00:07:33,011 --> 00:07:35,264 but I can also make Saturday or Sunday work. 189 00:07:36,932 --> 00:07:39,435 Jess, what are you doing? I'm making an egg yellows omelet. 190 00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:41,238 The shallots and gouda are going to congeal. 191 00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:42,438 I can't… What is this? 192 00:07:42,521 --> 00:07:44,565 Happy birthday! 193 00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:47,359 It's a party bus! 194 00:07:47,443 --> 00:07:48,736 I'm so excited. 195 00:07:54,992 --> 00:07:58,120 Whoa, Jess, you really did all this for me? 196 00:08:00,289 --> 00:08:01,874 Okay, so… 197 00:08:02,207 --> 00:08:04,334 Over here is kosher yogurt and honey. 198 00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,962 - Kosher yoge? - We got some condoms over here. 199 00:08:07,046 --> 00:08:08,440 Small, medium, large, whatever your preference. 200 00:08:08,464 --> 00:08:09,733 - Well, I would use… - I don't want to know. 201 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:13,927 And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. 202 00:08:14,011 --> 00:08:15,471 It's normally used for stability, 203 00:08:15,554 --> 00:08:20,184 but tonight it's gonna be used for $50 worth of semi-nudity. 204 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,436 Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants. 205 00:08:22,519 --> 00:08:24,104 This is, like, your world, huh? 206 00:08:24,188 --> 00:08:25,356 - No… - It is. 207 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:26,940 It's you in your natural habitat. 208 00:08:27,024 --> 00:08:28,025 It's fascinating. 209 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,086 I'm just here for Schmidt. I don't know any of these people. 210 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,279 Nicholas, what's up, N-word? 211 00:08:32,363 --> 00:08:33,364 Don't call me "N-word." 212 00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:34,656 I don't know this guy. 213 00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:35,900 How's your family in Chicago? 214 00:08:36,492 --> 00:08:38,136 Really good, thanks for asking. They're all healthy. 215 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,453 That's good. 216 00:08:40,704 --> 00:08:43,582 Oh, look at this big old pile of birthday Schmidt. 217 00:08:44,875 --> 00:08:46,895 Hey, do you mind if I get a ride on your school bus? 218 00:08:46,919 --> 00:08:48,559 I don't want to be late for first period. 219 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:53,217 Why you got to do me like that, Been-ja-meen? 220 00:08:54,676 --> 00:08:55,886 - What's up, boys? - What up? 221 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,638 Why don't you sing us your birthday song? 222 00:08:57,721 --> 00:08:58,823 Oh, you have a birthday song? 223 00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:00,432 All right, all right, guys, come on. 224 00:09:00,516 --> 00:09:02,351 Sing it, come on. 225 00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:03,686 We built this Schmidty. 226 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,063 We built this Schmidty. 227 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:09,858 - On rock… - On Tootsie Rolls. 228 00:09:09,942 --> 00:09:11,068 Is that the lyrics? 229 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,779 Yeah, we used to make him sing that because he was fat. 230 00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:16,240 You know I'm just playing at you. 231 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,950 Yeah, hilarity, my man. Hilarity. 232 00:09:18,033 --> 00:09:19,451 Yeah, come on, man. 233 00:09:19,535 --> 00:09:20,845 You really live with that guy, huh? 234 00:09:20,869 --> 00:09:22,204 Yeah, I really do. 235 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:26,083 Does he, like, tuck his shiny jeans into boots when he goes out at night? 236 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,086 You know, the truth is, I met Schmidt a long time ago 237 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:32,423 when we were in college and he was this sweet, chubby communications major 238 00:09:32,506 --> 00:09:33,775 - who wore cargo shorts and… - Yeah. 239 00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:35,342 I'm actually just messing with you. 240 00:09:35,426 --> 00:09:38,387 Seriously, I think all of your friends seem completely awesome 241 00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:41,181 and nice and fun, so relax. 242 00:09:41,265 --> 00:09:43,284 You don't have to say that. They're my friends, you can tease 'em. 243 00:09:43,308 --> 00:09:44,369 I don't want to tease them. 244 00:09:44,393 --> 00:09:45,578 I tease them all the time, they don't care. 245 00:09:45,602 --> 00:09:47,855 Schmidt's a d-bag, you know, but, like, not in a bad way, 246 00:09:47,938 --> 00:09:49,898 and, like, Jess is a total nut. 247 00:09:49,982 --> 00:09:51,692 - Oh… - And Winston is like this 248 00:09:51,775 --> 00:09:54,778 competitive maniac who loves Sister, Sister, 249 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,214 and he's, like, afraid of thunder. 250 00:09:56,238 --> 00:09:57,716 - But I'm the voice of re… - Behind you. He's behind you. 251 00:09:57,740 --> 00:09:59,009 - He's behind you. - Right now he is? 252 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,075 Currently. 253 00:10:00,993 --> 00:10:03,662 - And he's also one of my best friends. - Oh, no, keep going. 254 00:10:04,955 --> 00:10:07,195 - You want to go on the bus? - Yeah, let's go on the bus. 255 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,251 I'm really sorry, man. 256 00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,729 I was just saying that to show off for her. 257 00:10:10,753 --> 00:10:11,938 Oh, no, man, I am bringing you down. 258 00:10:11,962 --> 00:10:13,088 Don't bring me down. 259 00:10:14,923 --> 00:10:17,384 - Bro juice? - Vodka pom, right? 260 00:10:17,468 --> 00:10:19,386 Winston said it was a tradish. 261 00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:20,679 Look, Benjamin's smiling. 262 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,598 Jess, you did so good. 263 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,851 Is this stripper pole weight-bearing? 264 00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:29,355 Looks like some pretty shoddy workmanship on the cap flange. 265 00:10:29,438 --> 00:10:31,982 - Can I help you? - Martin Fuller, GrindPalace.com. 266 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,359 Hi, I'm Jessica Day. 267 00:10:33,442 --> 00:10:35,527 I spoke with your supervisor on the telephone. 268 00:10:35,611 --> 00:10:38,530 Um, are you bringing the stripper? 269 00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:41,325 'Cause I really wanted to see her jugs first, 270 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,037 you know, just so… Um, I do right by my bro. 271 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,040 We have a little miscommunicado. Did you make the call? 272 00:10:48,123 --> 00:10:50,709 Because if they hear a woman's voice, then they send me. 273 00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:51,960 I'm your stripper, folks. 274 00:10:52,544 --> 00:10:54,338 Hey, need to clear this aisle. 275 00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,382 - I got to have a perimeter. - It's a joke. No. 276 00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:58,193 - Please, please, please, no, you can't. - Are you the birthday boy? 277 00:10:58,217 --> 00:10:59,819 - I am the birthday boy. - You are going to love it. 278 00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:01,178 I do wet towel tricks. 279 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,989 - Nobody likes wet towel tricks. - No, he does not love wet towel tricks. 280 00:11:03,013 --> 00:11:04,699 I don't judge, pal. I just want to have fun. 281 00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:05,784 We're not… No. Sir, you are not gonna… 282 00:11:05,808 --> 00:11:08,644 I don't want to be rude, but, uh, times are hard. 283 00:11:08,727 --> 00:11:11,897 It is Saturday night, so if I get hired to take my clothes off, 284 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:13,065 I'm gonna get naked. 285 00:11:13,148 --> 00:11:16,360 So, I'll just put my gym bag down, and I'll take my pants off. 286 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,028 - No, no, I'll handle it. - Sit. 287 00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:20,531 Hey. 288 00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:22,700 Hey, Mr. Fuller. 289 00:11:23,075 --> 00:11:24,076 Mr. Fuller. 290 00:11:24,159 --> 00:11:25,452 - Mr. Fuller? - Oh, no. 291 00:11:25,536 --> 00:11:27,246 It's getting a little nippy out. 292 00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:29,790 Not a good time to start turtling. 293 00:11:29,873 --> 00:11:30,934 - Come on. - Jess, make it stop. 294 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,334 I'm gonna pay you 295 00:11:33,001 --> 00:11:37,047 $50 to never show us your penis. 296 00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:40,008 But what about tips? I make my living on tips. 297 00:11:40,092 --> 00:11:42,386 Well, can you do anything else for the money? 298 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:47,015 I'm a baritone at my gospel choir at First Presbyterian. 299 00:11:49,184 --> 00:11:51,729 Everybody, everybody… 300 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:52,938 Hey! 301 00:11:53,022 --> 00:11:54,606 Welcome to Schmidt's 29th! 302 00:11:58,193 --> 00:12:01,739 Safety is of the utmost importance, so the person sitting next to you 303 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,422 is gonna be your bus buddy for the night. 304 00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:07,202 Any time you're up and about, please wear one of these fashion helmets. 305 00:12:07,286 --> 00:12:08,495 And I brought drugs. 306 00:12:08,579 --> 00:12:11,957 Tanya has half a pot cookie, so maybe she'll share if you're lucky. 307 00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:14,668 Okay, everybody, have fun! 308 00:12:14,752 --> 00:12:15,961 Martin, sing us out. 309 00:12:16,045 --> 00:12:18,464 Oh, when he comes. 310 00:12:18,547 --> 00:12:20,883 And when he comes. 311 00:12:20,966 --> 00:12:22,885 He's gonna come for you… 312 00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:23,969 No stripping! 313 00:12:24,053 --> 00:12:25,179 Oh, sweet salvation! 314 00:12:25,262 --> 00:12:27,389 Oh, when he comes 315 00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:35,230 $50. I've never put $50 in the douchebag jar. 316 00:12:35,314 --> 00:12:37,691 Well, that's really impressive, Schmidt, considering. 317 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,403 Someone's personalized condoms just came in the mail. 318 00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:43,822 Hey! Jar! $20. 319 00:12:45,324 --> 00:12:48,744 Winston, did you know that NWA didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone"? 320 00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:50,621 $30. Jar. 321 00:12:52,081 --> 00:12:53,082 Hey, man. 322 00:12:53,624 --> 00:12:56,085 No! Jar, Schmidt. 323 00:12:56,168 --> 00:12:58,045 - Jar! - For what? 324 00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:01,840 Somehow, Schmidt, you've outdone yourself this time. 325 00:13:01,924 --> 00:13:03,342 It was my birthday. 326 00:13:04,093 --> 00:13:06,387 I… I was very drunk. 327 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,974 All right, everybody, it's time for a shot. 328 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:14,019 A little bro-juice shot for Benjamin! 329 00:13:14,103 --> 00:13:15,104 What? 330 00:13:15,187 --> 00:13:18,399 - For Benjamin is a true… - I'm the king! 331 00:13:18,607 --> 00:13:20,859 I think we need to take a shot for Schmidt 332 00:13:20,943 --> 00:13:22,486 because he is the birthday boy. 333 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:23,570 Bro juice! 334 00:13:23,654 --> 00:13:25,322 Bro juice! Bro juice! 335 00:13:25,406 --> 00:13:27,449 - What's bro juice? - I have no idea. 336 00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:28,534 Really? 337 00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:33,122 Nick Miller invented bro juice on Schmidt's twenty-second birthday. 338 00:13:33,205 --> 00:13:34,748 - You remember that? - Double boost. 339 00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:36,917 Bro juice! Bro juice! 340 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,795 Get over here and sip on your bro juice! 341 00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:41,422 Bro juice! Bro juice! 342 00:13:42,047 --> 00:13:43,507 Oh, Schmidt. 343 00:13:44,383 --> 00:13:46,510 This is not gonna be attractive. 344 00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,929 - Chug all that juice! - Yeah! 345 00:13:49,012 --> 00:13:50,222 Oh, yeah! 346 00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:51,491 You know, we're way too old for this, don't you? 347 00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:52,516 Oh, definitely. 348 00:13:53,809 --> 00:13:55,519 Happy birthday, brother. I love you. 349 00:13:57,855 --> 00:13:59,356 - Yeah! - Happy birthday, Schmidty! 350 00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:05,362 Yeah! 351 00:14:05,446 --> 00:14:06,864 Bro juice! 352 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,615 Bro juice! 353 00:14:08,699 --> 00:14:11,285 When I say "Par," you say "Tay." 354 00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:12,661 - Par. - Tay. 355 00:14:12,745 --> 00:14:13,787 - Par. - Tay! 356 00:14:13,871 --> 00:14:15,122 Holla! 357 00:14:17,082 --> 00:14:18,751 What am I doing? 358 00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:20,461 It makes you think, huh? 359 00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,588 Twenties, they're almost over, man. 360 00:14:22,671 --> 00:14:24,381 - It's crazy. - Are you hitting that? 361 00:14:24,465 --> 00:14:25,466 Jess? 362 00:14:25,549 --> 00:14:26,592 - Yeah. - No. 363 00:14:26,675 --> 00:14:28,302 Well, then I think I'll help myself. 364 00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,512 To sex, with your friend. 365 00:14:30,596 --> 00:14:32,347 No, no, no. Benjamin, you can't. 366 00:14:32,431 --> 00:14:33,867 - Not with Jess. Please don't. - Well, I can. 367 00:14:33,891 --> 00:14:35,267 I can, and I will. 368 00:14:39,772 --> 00:14:41,523 Good evening, night owls. 369 00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:46,403 It's about to get bubonic in here, for tonight, we're going to… 370 00:14:46,737 --> 00:14:48,155 The Plague. 371 00:14:49,031 --> 00:14:50,866 Sorry. It's just… It's just Plague. 372 00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:52,576 It's a discotheque. 373 00:14:53,702 --> 00:14:55,204 We'll be going there next. 374 00:14:55,287 --> 00:14:56,514 Whose list are you on? Tristan's? 375 00:14:56,538 --> 00:14:58,707 Isn't it just like a bar or something? 376 00:15:01,418 --> 00:15:03,420 What do you pull down a year in the game? 377 00:15:03,504 --> 00:15:08,008 Ever since I started doing full frontal, I pull down seven K a year easy. 378 00:15:08,092 --> 00:15:09,802 Why? You interested in the life? 379 00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:12,513 Me? A male stripper? Come on. You're too kind. 380 00:15:12,596 --> 00:15:15,265 But you know, theoretically, if I were to get into the game, 381 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:19,019 you know, what are they looking for… In the gator department? 382 00:15:19,103 --> 00:15:20,104 You know what I mean? 383 00:15:20,229 --> 00:15:22,773 Or is it just moving so fast that it doesn't really matter? 384 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:26,318 Man, it's all about storytelling, taking 'em on a journey. 385 00:15:26,735 --> 00:15:28,654 Let me ask you some basics. 386 00:15:28,737 --> 00:15:31,949 When you thrust, what's your range of motion, side-to-side? 387 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,451 Well, left… Right-right. 388 00:15:34,535 --> 00:15:37,121 What about your testicles? Are they more or less symmetrical? 389 00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:41,500 Size, yes. Location, no. 390 00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:42,876 What about your persona? 391 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,962 What? Fireman or a cop? 392 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,547 I didn't ask you your character. 393 00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:47,965 Your persona. 394 00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,717 I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you? 395 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,301 Luxury. Dessert. 396 00:15:52,428 --> 00:15:53,887 I'm a warrior poet, man. 397 00:15:53,971 --> 00:15:55,347 That's it. 398 00:15:55,973 --> 00:15:57,975 I got a number for you to call. 399 00:15:58,475 --> 00:15:59,893 You ever hook up with the ladies? 400 00:16:00,561 --> 00:16:03,897 It's… It's ladies, like, one out of 10 times at most. 401 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:05,566 You're dancing for dudes? 402 00:16:05,649 --> 00:16:07,568 Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes. 403 00:16:08,444 --> 00:16:10,404 All right, I'm sorry, okay? 404 00:16:10,487 --> 00:16:12,257 You're so quiet. You're having a terrible time. 405 00:16:12,281 --> 00:16:15,117 I don't mean to be… I'm probably just intimidated. 406 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,494 I'm sitting right next to the inventor of bro juice. 407 00:16:17,578 --> 00:16:19,778 - I get it, okay? - That's… I'm gonna brag about that. 408 00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:22,124 I did. I invented bro juice, okay? 409 00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:24,293 - And now you want… You're done. - What? 410 00:16:24,376 --> 00:16:27,046 I get it. When we get off the bus, it's over. I blew it. 411 00:16:27,129 --> 00:16:29,548 That's ridiculous. I don't care about any of it. 412 00:16:29,631 --> 00:16:31,484 I really don't. Everybody's got embarrassing stuff. 413 00:16:31,508 --> 00:16:34,595 I mean, I have stuff that you don't know about. 414 00:16:34,678 --> 00:16:35,679 Like what? 415 00:16:35,763 --> 00:16:38,974 Just don't lie to me about stuff, and we'll be fine. 416 00:16:39,058 --> 00:16:40,059 Fine. 417 00:16:40,142 --> 00:16:42,186 - When I work out, which isn't often… - Uh-huh. 418 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,229 I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up. 419 00:16:44,313 --> 00:16:45,439 Not ironically. 420 00:16:45,522 --> 00:16:47,002 - Want to hear something else? - Okay. 421 00:16:47,066 --> 00:16:48,776 I don't believe dinosaurs existed. 422 00:16:48,859 --> 00:16:50,539 I've seen the science. I don't believe it. 423 00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:52,422 - Want to hear something else? - No, I think I'm good. 424 00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:54,948 And I believe you, and I appreciate all of this truth-telling. 425 00:16:55,032 --> 00:16:57,117 I don't think you have stuff. 426 00:16:57,493 --> 00:16:58,744 All right. 427 00:16:58,827 --> 00:17:00,371 You're just perfect. 428 00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:02,456 Uh… Yeah. 429 00:17:02,831 --> 00:17:04,583 - Hey. Scooch. - Oh. 430 00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:06,794 - Oh, yeah. - Okay. 431 00:17:06,877 --> 00:17:09,671 - So, I texted Tristan. - Oh. Oh, okay. 432 00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:11,590 He said he could get us into Plague. 433 00:17:11,673 --> 00:17:13,634 - Oh, that's… That's terrific. - Yeah. 434 00:17:13,717 --> 00:17:15,928 - Thank you. - Well, just you and me, of course. 435 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,723 So why don't you ditch that zero and get with the hero? 436 00:17:19,807 --> 00:17:21,058 The hero is my penis. 437 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,768 Oh. 438 00:17:22,851 --> 00:17:24,311 Uh… No. 439 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:25,646 - No. No. - Am I bad? 440 00:17:25,729 --> 00:17:26,730 Hey, Benjamin. 441 00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:28,524 Come on, just leave her alone. 442 00:17:30,776 --> 00:17:33,696 Schmidt, your party is slugs, bro. 443 00:17:35,614 --> 00:17:36,615 All right, you know what? 444 00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:39,785 Schmidt, this party is the worst. 445 00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:41,638 Come on, man. This party is badass, all right? 446 00:17:41,662 --> 00:17:43,765 Don't act like I didn't see you over there eating on the charcut… 447 00:17:43,789 --> 00:17:45,249 The, uh… The charcut… 448 00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,625 - Charcuterie. - Charcuterie. 449 00:17:46,709 --> 00:17:49,062 The charcuterie. Don't act like I didn't see you eating the charcut… 450 00:17:49,086 --> 00:17:50,295 - Charcuterie. - Charcuterie… 451 00:17:50,379 --> 00:17:51,588 Hey, you know what, Curly? 452 00:17:51,672 --> 00:17:53,674 You don't like the bus, then get off it, pal. 453 00:17:53,757 --> 00:17:56,051 - Schmidty's birthday, bud. - You guys suck. 454 00:17:56,135 --> 00:17:57,404 Let me talk to him for a sec. I'm a lawyer. 455 00:17:57,428 --> 00:17:59,322 - Can I just have a word with him, please? - She's a lawyer. 456 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,032 Hi. Why don't you just say that one more time? 457 00:18:01,056 --> 00:18:02,057 Oh. You guys suck? 458 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:08,355 Look out! Look out! 459 00:18:08,439 --> 00:18:09,690 Whoa! 460 00:18:12,985 --> 00:18:16,196 - Is everyone okay? - Yes. No worries, Jess. 461 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,281 Is everybody okay? 462 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:18,824 - I'm so sorry. - What, are you nuts? 463 00:18:18,907 --> 00:18:21,285 Oh, God. 464 00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:24,538 Who are you? 465 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,630 You like these? A-boom! 466 00:18:33,714 --> 00:18:35,883 - Tanya, please stop flashing the driver. - Whoo-hoo! 467 00:18:35,966 --> 00:18:37,801 What, are you like The Bourne Identity person? 468 00:18:37,885 --> 00:18:40,387 I've got these iss… 469 00:18:40,471 --> 00:18:42,890 Like, these anger management issues. 470 00:18:42,973 --> 00:18:45,476 - Anger management? - But I'm trying to fix it. 471 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,019 I go to all these class… 472 00:18:47,102 --> 00:18:48,496 They're court-ordered classes, but… 473 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,523 - And what was, like, all this stuff you… - It's martial arts. I… 474 00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:54,943 I started doing martial arts, ironically, because I thought 475 00:18:55,027 --> 00:18:58,280 it would give me a little bit more Zen in my life. 476 00:18:58,364 --> 00:19:00,532 You must be really freaked out right now. 477 00:19:00,616 --> 00:19:04,161 - Yes, I am really freaked out. - I'm so sorry. 478 00:19:09,458 --> 00:19:11,603 I hate that I'm so turned on by your craziness, but I, um… 479 00:19:11,627 --> 00:19:13,253 - Go with it. - I'm going with it. 480 00:19:15,005 --> 00:19:16,900 You guys sure you're cool waiting for the tow truck? 481 00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:18,401 Yeah, it's fine. I'll see you back at the loft. 482 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,177 Bye, guys. Happy birthday. 483 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,179 - Thank you. - Bye, Julia. Bye, Bro Juice. 484 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,181 - Oh, thank you for that. - Bro-J, my man. 485 00:19:25,474 --> 00:19:26,475 So, it's my birthday. 486 00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,560 - Right now? - Right now. 487 00:19:28,644 --> 00:19:30,604 - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Schmidt. 488 00:19:30,688 --> 00:19:33,691 I'm 29, folks. What's up? 489 00:19:33,941 --> 00:19:35,275 29! 490 00:19:36,694 --> 00:19:37,945 29! 491 00:19:38,904 --> 00:19:40,465 Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? 492 00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:41,865 That feels embarrassing. 493 00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,284 Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think. 494 00:19:44,368 --> 00:19:46,638 Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess? 495 00:19:46,662 --> 00:19:49,456 - Maybe a little bit. - Maybe. 496 00:19:49,998 --> 00:19:51,291 What? Did you have fun tonight? 497 00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:54,002 'Cause I know it was a little bit… flawed. 498 00:19:54,795 --> 00:19:56,004 Jess, are you kidding me? 499 00:19:56,088 --> 00:19:57,464 Tonight was… 500 00:19:58,424 --> 00:20:00,968 Tens across the board. 501 00:20:01,051 --> 00:20:03,011 No splash. 502 00:20:03,178 --> 00:20:05,556 - Good. - No. For real, I had… 503 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,975 Nobody's ever done that for me before. 504 00:20:09,143 --> 00:20:11,603 Any time, Schmidt. Any time. 505 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,243 Schmidt, why are you looking at me like that? 506 00:20:28,245 --> 00:20:30,706 'Cause you had… You had fuzz on your face. 507 00:20:30,789 --> 00:20:32,875 - No, no, because I thought… - Oh, my God. 508 00:20:32,958 --> 00:20:34,001 - You had fuzz on… - Jar! 509 00:20:34,084 --> 00:20:35,145 - Schmidt! - You had a piece of fuzz, and… 510 00:20:35,169 --> 00:20:37,755 It was a little piece of fuzz. It was right there, and just… 511 00:20:37,838 --> 00:20:40,799 - Just put it in the jar, Schmidt. - Yeah, come on. No excuses, Schmidt. 512 00:20:41,091 --> 00:20:42,509 You tried to kiss her! 513 00:20:42,593 --> 00:20:45,095 Okay. For you… For you guys. 514 00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:52,895 Happy birthday. 515 00:20:53,395 --> 00:20:54,396 29! 516 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,148 Ten more. 517 00:20:56,231 --> 00:20:57,649 Sorry about that. 518 00:20:58,108 --> 00:21:00,778 Frankie Muniz. 519 00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:06,116 Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. 520 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,369 Think about what you can do with that. 521 00:21:09,328 --> 00:21:10,996 - Sex stuff. - Jar. 522 00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:14,917 Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat? 523 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,001 Jar! 524 00:21:16,085 --> 00:21:17,645 Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve? 525 00:21:17,669 --> 00:21:18,712 Jar! 526 00:21:18,962 --> 00:21:21,632 Darn it! Has anyone seen my croquet cleats? 527 00:21:22,466 --> 00:21:25,469 Hey, Jess, have you seen my other timepiece? 528 00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:29,807 Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis. 529 00:21:29,890 --> 00:21:30,933 Bishop in a turtleneck! 530 00:21:31,016 --> 00:21:32,559 Ugh! Jar! 531 00:21:33,143 --> 00:21:36,522 Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!