1 00:00:00,766 --> 00:00:03,561 Your sheets are so soft. 2 00:00:03,644 --> 00:00:05,855 They've actually been in my family for almost 40 years. 3 00:00:05,938 --> 00:00:08,315 - Wow. - If these old things could talk, huh? 4 00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,734 - Ew. - I was just trying to paint a picture. 5 00:00:10,901 --> 00:00:11,986 Read the room. 6 00:00:12,153 --> 00:00:13,946 Sheez. 7 00:00:15,656 --> 00:00:17,074 - Hey, Julia. - Hey. 8 00:00:17,158 --> 00:00:19,368 It's so fun having another girl around here. 9 00:00:19,451 --> 00:00:21,579 There are tampons hidden all over the apartment. 10 00:00:23,664 --> 00:00:25,541 Ah! Damp towel! Damp! 11 00:00:25,624 --> 00:00:27,626 - Here we go. - It's like a really big wet-nap. 12 00:00:28,169 --> 00:00:31,797 Ah. I feel like I'm being licked by a Golden Retriever. 13 00:00:31,881 --> 00:00:33,465 Look at this bathroom. 14 00:00:33,549 --> 00:00:35,551 There should not be two girls in this bathroom. 15 00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:37,595 You're too humid. You make everything damp. 16 00:00:37,678 --> 00:00:39,531 Eighty percent of the products in here are yours. 17 00:00:39,555 --> 00:00:41,474 Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes. 18 00:00:41,557 --> 00:00:43,267 I use sculpting chutney. 19 00:00:43,350 --> 00:00:46,270 Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes. 20 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,147 - Hair everywhere… - Yo. 21 00:00:48,230 --> 00:00:50,191 The multicolored rubber bands. 22 00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:52,318 I'm fine with it. It's all okay with me. 23 00:00:52,401 --> 00:00:54,528 But a damp towel is where I draw the line. 24 00:00:54,612 --> 00:00:56,947 Sorry, what are your thoughts on damp towels? 25 00:00:57,031 --> 00:00:58,884 Oh, you'd better watch it, Nick's overnight guest. 26 00:00:58,908 --> 00:01:00,659 - Julia. - I know your name. 27 00:01:02,244 --> 00:01:04,538 - Are you flexing right now? - No. 28 00:01:04,747 --> 00:01:05,748 - Hey. - Hey. So, 29 00:01:05,831 --> 00:01:07,100 I'm gonna get ready in your room. 30 00:01:07,124 --> 00:01:08,685 Sure. Feeling weird and uncomfortable here? 31 00:01:08,709 --> 00:01:10,669 Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight. 32 00:01:10,753 --> 00:01:12,338 Yeah. See you later. 33 00:01:12,421 --> 00:01:14,381 She's helping me get out of a traffic ticket. 34 00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,717 Jess, are you seriously using the girl I'm sleeping with 35 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,219 for free legal advice? 36 00:01:18,302 --> 00:01:20,429 I'm sorry, the girl you're sleeping with? 37 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:22,348 I mean, you can't call her your girlfriend? 38 00:01:22,431 --> 00:01:25,309 - We're not labeling it. - Oh, you're not labeling it, 39 00:01:25,392 --> 00:01:26,769 'cause you're too sophisticated. 40 00:01:26,852 --> 00:01:28,395 Don't do your "sophisticated guy." 41 00:01:28,479 --> 00:01:30,231 That's now how a sophisticated man dances. 42 00:01:30,314 --> 00:01:31,774 How does a sophisticated man dance? 43 00:01:31,857 --> 00:01:34,026 I'm too sophisticated 44 00:01:34,109 --> 00:01:37,404 I don't believe in labeling. 45 00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:39,341 - You gotta get laid, man. - You gotta get laid, man. 46 00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:40,366 Yeah, I need to get laid. 47 00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:41,729 - This is bad. - Get out of here. 48 00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:43,786 Who's that girl? 49 00:01:43,869 --> 00:01:44,995 Who's that girl? 50 00:01:45,079 --> 00:01:46,121 Who's that girl? 51 00:01:46,205 --> 00:01:47,206 Who's that girl? 52 00:01:47,289 --> 00:01:48,290 It's Jess. 53 00:01:49,333 --> 00:01:51,210 You know, maybe I should call Shelby. 54 00:01:51,293 --> 00:01:53,063 I haven't seen her since I got back from Latvia. 55 00:01:53,087 --> 00:01:54,630 We did have an amazing time together. 56 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,842 Whoo! That was amazing. 57 00:01:57,925 --> 00:02:00,052 - Yeah. - All right, bye. 58 00:02:01,011 --> 00:02:02,263 I'm gonna call her. 59 00:02:03,806 --> 00:02:05,057 Yeah, over in Latvia 60 00:02:05,141 --> 00:02:07,726 they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink. 61 00:02:08,018 --> 00:02:09,645 Whole country runs on the stuff. 62 00:02:09,728 --> 00:02:10,729 Called… 63 00:02:11,605 --> 00:02:13,899 Was definitely one of my biggest endorsements. 64 00:02:13,983 --> 00:02:15,377 I mean, I have a lot of endorsements, 65 00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:17,121 but that was probably my biggest endorsement 66 00:02:17,194 --> 00:02:19,738 - amongst other endorsements that I had. - Wow. 67 00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,866 So, um… Your place or mine? 68 00:02:25,828 --> 00:02:27,037 What are we laughing at? 69 00:02:27,121 --> 00:02:29,623 How much I'm not going home with you tonight. 70 00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:35,337 You show up after two years, out of the blue, 71 00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:37,381 and all you do is talk about yourself. 72 00:02:37,464 --> 00:02:39,550 You don't let me get a word in edgewise. 73 00:02:40,050 --> 00:02:42,344 Why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks? 74 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:44,763 Winston, you took me out for a drink 75 00:02:44,847 --> 00:02:46,599 at the place where I work! 76 00:02:47,183 --> 00:02:48,267 Here's your bill. 77 00:02:49,810 --> 00:02:50,978 Thanks for the water. 78 00:02:53,814 --> 00:02:56,066 Man, I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted. 79 00:02:56,775 --> 00:02:57,776 You chose water. 80 00:02:58,652 --> 00:03:00,404 Have a seat. 81 00:03:00,488 --> 00:03:01,572 Okay. 82 00:03:02,364 --> 00:03:04,158 Let me get you a blanket. 83 00:03:04,658 --> 00:03:06,535 Why would I want a blanket right now? 84 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,078 - Just to get toasty. - Oh. 85 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,751 Would you like a cookie, or a cupcake? I made them. 86 00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:14,877 Oh, no. I'm okay. 87 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,587 I'm not really a dessert person. 88 00:03:16,670 --> 00:03:18,589 - I just don't eat it, usually. - Okay. 89 00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:22,384 I'm just gonna put this, like, right here. 90 00:03:23,302 --> 00:03:24,720 - I don't… Okay. - Just… 91 00:03:25,012 --> 00:03:27,491 Why don't you just take me through what happened with the ticket? 92 00:03:27,515 --> 00:03:28,784 - Okay. - They got a photo of you? 93 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,351 At the scene of the crime. 94 00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:31,644 Meh, meh, meh, meh. 95 00:03:32,770 --> 00:03:34,855 Is this it? 96 00:03:34,939 --> 00:03:36,106 - Yeah. - Okay. 97 00:03:37,274 --> 00:03:40,361 Hmm. This may actually be kind of hard to argue with. 98 00:03:40,444 --> 00:03:42,506 Well, there's actually more there than meets the eye. 99 00:03:42,530 --> 00:03:44,782 Um, there was a bird, he's not in the shot, 100 00:03:44,865 --> 00:03:45,866 but he was injured, 101 00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:48,536 and he couldn't get out of the road, and so I braked, and then 102 00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:50,339 I had to accelerate out of the intersection. 103 00:03:50,412 --> 00:03:52,081 You missed your first court date on this. 104 00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,124 My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me 105 00:03:54,208 --> 00:03:55,626 before the court date, 106 00:03:55,709 --> 00:03:57,461 because he doesn't believe in mail, 107 00:03:57,545 --> 00:03:59,689 which has to do with his thoughts on government spending. 108 00:03:59,713 --> 00:04:01,090 Now it's an $800 fine. 109 00:04:01,173 --> 00:04:03,926 That's why I need a really awesome lawyer, like you. 110 00:04:04,718 --> 00:04:06,846 So… Can you help me? 111 00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:09,306 I mean, I can try. You never know. 112 00:04:09,390 --> 00:04:11,684 A judge might buy into this whole thing, so… 113 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,186 What "whole thing"? 114 00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:15,479 Your whole thing. 115 00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:18,732 With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and… 116 00:04:18,816 --> 00:04:21,527 "Bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning." 117 00:04:21,610 --> 00:04:23,529 Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing. 118 00:04:23,612 --> 00:04:28,909 It's a great thing. I mean, the big beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. 119 00:04:28,993 --> 00:04:30,804 I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff. 120 00:04:30,828 --> 00:04:35,416 Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good. 121 00:04:38,335 --> 00:04:39,962 Hey, so… 122 00:04:40,045 --> 00:04:41,964 Living here, it's probably fun, right? 123 00:04:42,047 --> 00:04:43,799 - Yeah. - There are, like, lots of girls 124 00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:45,163 coming in and out of this place? 125 00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:47,803 Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. 126 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,138 He accepts everyone. 127 00:04:49,263 --> 00:04:52,057 Yeah, and… Winston and Nick… 128 00:04:52,641 --> 00:04:54,727 I probably shouldn't… 129 00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:56,246 Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to… 130 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:57,480 Plead the fifth! 131 00:04:57,730 --> 00:04:59,523 - No, that's not what… - Objection! 132 00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:01,775 - Nick, hey! - Hey, Julia! 133 00:05:01,859 --> 00:05:03,336 - Want to hang out in your room? - Sure. 134 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,695 Jess, if you'll excuse us, 135 00:05:04,778 --> 00:05:07,114 Julia's about to be very disappointed. 136 00:05:07,198 --> 00:05:09,450 Okay, so I will look at this stuff some more, 137 00:05:09,533 --> 00:05:11,911 I'll call some people, see what I can do. 138 00:05:11,994 --> 00:05:13,746 Here's your blankie back. 139 00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:19,376 Power blazer. Hey. 140 00:05:21,212 --> 00:05:22,838 What's going on with the ticket? 141 00:05:25,341 --> 00:05:26,800 She has a problem with me, Nick. 142 00:05:26,884 --> 00:05:29,220 - Okay? She doesn't like me. - What are you talking about? 143 00:05:29,303 --> 00:05:30,822 You don't understand 'cause you're a guy. 144 00:05:30,846 --> 00:05:33,349 She does not have a problem with you. She's just… 145 00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:35,851 Nick, your girlfriend's not a dessert person. 146 00:05:42,817 --> 00:05:45,194 She said you have "a whole thing"? 147 00:05:45,277 --> 00:05:46,946 I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts? 148 00:05:47,029 --> 00:05:48,531 Where is she right now? 149 00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:50,574 Look, I think I know what she meant. 150 00:05:50,658 --> 00:05:52,284 I mean, you do like girly stuff. 151 00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:54,578 I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. 152 00:05:54,662 --> 00:05:57,414 When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons. 153 00:05:57,498 --> 00:05:59,917 My ribbon hat. I love that hat. 154 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,336 Screw her. And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat. 155 00:06:02,419 --> 00:06:03,712 Go get it right now. 156 00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,172 Be right back. 157 00:06:05,256 --> 00:06:07,341 Whoa. There she is. 158 00:06:07,424 --> 00:06:08,759 Nick, where is this bitch? 159 00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:10,946 Gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth. 160 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,888 Okay, this is getting excessive, guys. 161 00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:15,015 She's actually helping her get out of a ticket. 162 00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:17,726 By being condescending and judgmental? 163 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:18,811 What did she say? 164 00:06:18,894 --> 00:06:20,396 Ugh, just drop it, Nick. 165 00:06:21,605 --> 00:06:23,149 Okay, what did Julia do wrong? 166 00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:24,775 It's just how girls fight sometimes. 167 00:06:24,859 --> 00:06:25,943 There's a lot unsaid. 168 00:06:26,026 --> 00:06:27,346 Like one time, a girl said to me, 169 00:06:27,403 --> 00:06:28,880 "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots." 170 00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:30,406 Ooh. How did she say it? 171 00:06:30,489 --> 00:06:32,408 "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots." 172 00:06:32,491 --> 00:06:34,410 - That is diabolical. - I'm really sorry. 173 00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,786 And it ruined our friendship. 174 00:06:35,870 --> 00:06:37,913 I mean, I couldn't get over the polka dot incident. 175 00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:39,206 Warning! Spoiler alert. 176 00:06:39,290 --> 00:06:42,376 Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier to plug in their flatiron. 177 00:06:42,459 --> 00:06:44,879 I will be putting my dehumidifier and my towel 178 00:06:44,962 --> 00:06:47,756 in my room, where nothing ever gets wet. 179 00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,496 All right, you know what, Jess? Julia's one of those girls 180 00:06:50,551 --> 00:06:52,591 where she doesn't have, like, a lot of girl friends. 181 00:06:52,636 --> 00:06:55,264 Because she thinks like a guy. She doesn't play mind games. 182 00:06:55,347 --> 00:06:57,433 - So blind! - Look, all I know 183 00:06:57,516 --> 00:06:59,393 is she's totally up front with me. 184 00:06:59,477 --> 00:07:01,437 No subtext, no codes. 185 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,939 Oh. Okay. So did she come right out and ask you 186 00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,208 if you were seeing other girls? 187 00:07:05,232 --> 00:07:07,234 Because she asked me. 188 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,073 - She did? - You didn't know that? 189 00:07:13,157 --> 00:07:15,534 'Cause I thought you guys were so up front with one another. 190 00:07:15,618 --> 00:07:17,578 I thought you guys told each other everything. 191 00:07:17,661 --> 00:07:18,913 Yeah. 192 00:07:18,996 --> 00:07:20,557 She told him she didn't want to "label" it. 193 00:07:20,581 --> 00:07:21,999 Oh. I mean, that's a classic move, 194 00:07:22,082 --> 00:07:23,334 even in the lesbian community. 195 00:07:29,256 --> 00:07:30,424 What are we talking about? 196 00:07:30,508 --> 00:07:32,360 Did you just hear the phrase "lesbian community," 197 00:07:32,384 --> 00:07:34,053 and come running out of your room? 198 00:07:34,136 --> 00:07:35,137 I did. Um… 199 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,555 Question, for you. 200 00:07:36,639 --> 00:07:38,557 This community you speak of, 201 00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,351 do the ladies look, uh… 202 00:07:41,018 --> 00:07:43,896 More like this one or, you know… 203 00:07:43,979 --> 00:07:46,065 - Kind of Nickish? - Aw, shut up, Schmidt. 204 00:07:46,148 --> 00:07:48,067 I did date a woman who looked a lot like Nick. 205 00:07:48,150 --> 00:07:49,735 You did. Felicia. 206 00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:54,949 Why can't you just admit that she's your girlfriend? 207 00:07:55,032 --> 00:07:56,867 I know, I just thought it was uncomplicated, 208 00:07:56,951 --> 00:07:58,035 and now I'm freaking out. 209 00:07:58,118 --> 00:07:59,829 I'm not good at being a boyfriend. 210 00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:01,872 I'm good at being that guy that you find yourself 211 00:08:01,956 --> 00:08:03,183 spending more and more time with 212 00:08:03,207 --> 00:08:04,834 until you meet your husband. 213 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:08,003 All right. So, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is 214 00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:11,757 sharks, tap water, real relationships. 215 00:08:11,841 --> 00:08:13,133 - And blueberries. - Barkeep. 216 00:08:13,217 --> 00:08:14,635 Get this man a drink. 217 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:18,180 Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months. Come and get it, ladies. 218 00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:20,474 - I seriously hate you, Schmidt. - Why? 219 00:08:20,558 --> 00:08:21,701 It didn't go well with Shelby? 220 00:08:21,725 --> 00:08:23,519 I gotta say, I thought it would be easy. 221 00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:25,104 You know? Maybe… 222 00:08:25,229 --> 00:08:27,109 Maybe I don't have game. Maybe I never had game. 223 00:08:27,231 --> 00:08:29,191 Maybe it's always been about basketball. 224 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,460 Yeah, you don't have any game. 225 00:08:30,484 --> 00:08:32,278 It's always been because you play basketball. 226 00:08:32,361 --> 00:08:34,297 Are you seriously just realizing you don't have game? 227 00:08:34,321 --> 00:08:36,466 What is your secret, man? How do normal guys get girls? 228 00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:39,285 Let's not say "normal." Just, you know, say what it is, "average." 229 00:08:39,368 --> 00:08:41,162 You've had the most game out of any of us. 230 00:08:41,245 --> 00:08:42,371 Because for years now, 231 00:08:42,454 --> 00:08:44,456 you've been working with absolutely nothing. 232 00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:45,684 - He makes a good point. - Okay. 233 00:08:45,708 --> 00:08:47,376 - I've been working with nothing. - Zilch. 234 00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,794 You're right, I've got nothing. 235 00:08:48,878 --> 00:08:50,045 Except this. 236 00:08:55,092 --> 00:08:56,385 Ow. 237 00:08:56,468 --> 00:08:57,970 Oh, my God. 238 00:08:58,053 --> 00:09:00,139 Miller! No cocktail. 239 00:09:00,222 --> 00:09:01,265 Sorry, Julio. 240 00:09:02,766 --> 00:09:04,018 Julia! Hey, Julia! 241 00:09:04,101 --> 00:09:05,311 Hey. 242 00:09:05,394 --> 00:09:06,937 Ooh. You guys are using names? 243 00:09:07,021 --> 00:09:08,397 That's not too "labelly" for you? 244 00:09:09,732 --> 00:09:11,650 - Hey. - Hey, hey, Jules. 245 00:09:11,734 --> 00:09:12,902 Hey, hey. 246 00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,737 Thought I'd drop by and say hello. 247 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,697 Oh, I didn't know we were doing drop-bys. 248 00:09:17,198 --> 00:09:18,199 Uh… 249 00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:20,451 Here's a scenario that's paid sexual dividends, 250 00:09:20,534 --> 00:09:22,077 particularly in the Asian markets, 251 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:25,039 and I think, Jess, you can back me up on this. 252 00:09:25,122 --> 00:09:26,916 Inform her that you're an aerialist 253 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:28,167 for the Cirque du Soleil. 254 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,627 Winston, just ask questions, 255 00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:31,879 pay attention to her, listen to her, 256 00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:33,130 don't listen to him. 257 00:09:33,214 --> 00:09:35,108 Oh, believe me, I don't take advice from Schmidt. 258 00:09:35,132 --> 00:09:37,009 Never have, never will. Ever. 259 00:09:37,218 --> 00:09:39,220 So Jess told me what 260 00:09:39,303 --> 00:09:42,223 - you asked her yesterday. - What? 261 00:09:42,306 --> 00:09:44,558 That you asked if I was sleeping with other people. 262 00:09:45,142 --> 00:09:48,020 That is not even… I… What? 263 00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:49,188 I don't want to play games. 264 00:09:49,271 --> 00:09:50,689 That's not what happened, okay? 265 00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:53,192 I just said something because I was feeling 266 00:09:53,275 --> 00:09:55,110 kind of guilty, because I'm, uh… 267 00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:57,279 I'm dating other people, and I just… 268 00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:59,216 Wanted to see if you were also dating other people. 269 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,680 - You're dating other people? - Yeah. 270 00:10:01,826 --> 00:10:04,203 No. No, I'm seeing other people, too. 271 00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:06,872 Good. Good. 272 00:10:06,956 --> 00:10:08,958 I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. 273 00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:12,044 Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver. 274 00:10:12,294 --> 00:10:14,213 I've had to start carrying, like, 275 00:10:14,296 --> 00:10:15,840 athletic shoes in my purse, 276 00:10:15,923 --> 00:10:19,218 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. 277 00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:20,302 Can't wear heels. 278 00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:22,721 Well, I'm having sex right now. 279 00:10:22,805 --> 00:10:24,181 Under the bar. 280 00:10:24,265 --> 00:10:25,349 And she's on top. 281 00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:26,934 So figure that out. 282 00:10:28,853 --> 00:10:30,396 - Was that her? - Yeah. 283 00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:32,690 - Well, great. - Great. 284 00:10:32,773 --> 00:10:34,000 We're both doing the same thing. 285 00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,025 We're on the same page. 286 00:10:35,109 --> 00:10:36,169 Kudos, for not using labels. 287 00:10:36,193 --> 00:10:37,838 - That is exactly what I want. - It's my dream. 288 00:10:37,862 --> 00:10:39,502 Just going to go to the bathroom quickly. 289 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,240 Okay. Great. 290 00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:52,960 Hey. Julia? 291 00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:54,295 Are you serious? 292 00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:56,255 Did Nick say some stuff to you? 293 00:10:56,338 --> 00:10:57,941 I'm really sorry and I want to explain… 294 00:10:57,965 --> 00:10:59,383 Why would you tell him I said that? 295 00:10:59,466 --> 00:11:01,066 Do you know what that makes me look like? 296 00:11:01,802 --> 00:11:03,637 - Um… - I see what you're doing. 297 00:11:03,721 --> 00:11:06,140 I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl 298 00:11:06,223 --> 00:11:08,517 who wears suits and works too much 299 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,604 and you… You're the really fun teacher girl 300 00:11:11,687 --> 00:11:15,149 with all the colorful skirts and you bake things. 301 00:11:15,232 --> 00:11:17,318 And eventually, Nick is gonna come running to you 302 00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:19,570 and you'll tuck him in under his blankie… 303 00:11:19,653 --> 00:11:21,322 What is it with you and the blankie thing? 304 00:11:21,405 --> 00:11:22,907 I never said the word blankie. 305 00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:25,451 I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin. 306 00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:28,162 If I acted the way that you act when I was at work, 307 00:11:28,245 --> 00:11:29,285 nobody would listen to me. 308 00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:31,165 Well, if I acted like you at work, 309 00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:32,583 my students would turn in 310 00:11:32,666 --> 00:11:35,544 really weird, dark dioramas, so… 311 00:11:35,669 --> 00:11:36,837 I don't like you. 312 00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:39,381 And I don't want to be your friend, so… 313 00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:41,675 - Fine. - Can you leave, please? 314 00:11:41,759 --> 00:11:43,427 Because… 315 00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,096 I am about to start crying, 316 00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:50,017 and you are the last person that I want to cry in front of. 317 00:11:50,184 --> 00:11:52,102 I want to cry, too, and… 318 00:11:52,311 --> 00:11:53,687 Where am I supposed to cry? 319 00:11:53,771 --> 00:11:56,899 You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space. 320 00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:58,275 Please go. 321 00:12:05,241 --> 00:12:06,242 What are you doing, Jess? 322 00:12:06,325 --> 00:12:08,285 - Get out! - I'm sorry. 323 00:12:18,254 --> 00:12:21,048 - Winston, what are you doing? - Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. 324 00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:23,676 I have come here to listen to you. 325 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:27,221 Should I have interrupted you to tell you that? Probably not. 326 00:12:27,429 --> 00:12:28,639 So how… How are you? 327 00:12:28,722 --> 00:12:31,225 Tell me about your life, and how is everything? 328 00:12:31,392 --> 00:12:33,853 Winston, what am I supposed to do? 329 00:12:33,936 --> 00:12:36,313 I was a booty call for two years, 330 00:12:36,397 --> 00:12:38,274 and then I was nothing for two years. 331 00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,651 You show up bragging after all this time 332 00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:41,986 like nothing has changed. 333 00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:43,279 What do you want me to think? 334 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:45,948 That I'm an idiot. 335 00:12:47,074 --> 00:12:50,161 And you know what? You're right, and I'm sorry. 336 00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:52,997 It's just that since I've stopped playing ball, 337 00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:55,624 I realize I'm not that good at this. 338 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,918 And, frankly, you are way out of my league. 339 00:12:58,002 --> 00:12:59,336 That is clear now. 340 00:13:00,504 --> 00:13:03,841 But I do hope this is not the last time I see you, 341 00:13:03,924 --> 00:13:06,886 but whatever you want, I'm cool with. 342 00:13:07,761 --> 00:13:09,513 I got to get back to work. 343 00:13:09,597 --> 00:13:10,639 Yeah. 344 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,057 Yeah, I'll help you. 345 00:13:13,642 --> 00:13:14,685 See? 346 00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,104 I'm the manager. 347 00:13:17,188 --> 00:13:18,373 - Oh, you're the manager? - Yeah. 348 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,357 - Wow, that's amazing. - It's okay. 349 00:13:21,859 --> 00:13:24,778 Case 73. Mr. Sandoval. 350 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,157 I see you have dressed for the occasion. 351 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,242 Oh. Hi. 352 00:13:30,326 --> 00:13:31,327 You didn't have to come. 353 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:32,786 I'm sure you're very busy. 354 00:13:32,870 --> 00:13:34,079 I said I would be here, 355 00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:36,040 - so I'm here. - Don't worry. 356 00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:37,476 - I think I can handle it. - Let's just 357 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,418 get this over with so we can get out of here. 358 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,090 Your Honor. 359 00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:49,094 Your Honor. 360 00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:50,471 Your Honor. 361 00:13:50,554 --> 00:13:52,181 These are the facts, Your Honor. 362 00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:53,933 Your Honor. 363 00:13:54,058 --> 00:13:57,311 Case 74, Jessica Day. 364 00:13:57,394 --> 00:14:00,356 - Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir. - Okay, listen. 365 00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:02,079 You just have to enter the plea yourself, 366 00:14:02,107 --> 00:14:03,376 all right, and I'll do the rest. 367 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,527 Okay. I got it, all right? 368 00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:05,879 So, all you have to do is say… 369 00:14:05,903 --> 00:14:07,196 Okay. I got it! Thank you. 370 00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:08,447 - How do you plead? - Guilty. 371 00:14:08,531 --> 00:14:10,157 - What? - Great. Pay your fine upstairs. 372 00:14:12,535 --> 00:14:14,495 Well, I guess we're never going to know 373 00:14:14,578 --> 00:14:15,955 if the bird defense works. 374 00:14:16,038 --> 00:14:17,289 Such a bummer, too. 375 00:14:17,373 --> 00:14:18,958 We have this pool at my office. 376 00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:20,125 Okay. Hey! 377 00:14:21,418 --> 00:14:23,462 I got something to say to you, man. 378 00:14:23,587 --> 00:14:24,797 What? 379 00:14:24,922 --> 00:14:26,298 I brake for birds. 380 00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:28,384 I rock a lot of polka dots. 381 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:32,304 I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. 382 00:14:32,388 --> 00:14:35,266 I spend my entire day talking to children. 383 00:14:35,349 --> 00:14:38,477 And I find it fundamentally strange 384 00:14:38,561 --> 00:14:40,312 that you're not a dessert person. 385 00:14:40,396 --> 00:14:42,398 That's just weird, and it freaks me out. 386 00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:44,358 And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. 387 00:14:44,441 --> 00:14:46,277 And I hate your pantsuit. 388 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,487 I wish it had ribbons on it or something 389 00:14:48,571 --> 00:14:49,989 to make it slightly cuter. 390 00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:52,158 And that doesn't mean I'm not smart 391 00:14:52,241 --> 00:14:53,701 and tough and strong. 392 00:14:54,952 --> 00:14:55,953 Okay. 393 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,454 And I know you like Nick, 394 00:14:57,538 --> 00:14:59,415 and I'm not trying to interfere, 395 00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:02,126 but you should just talk to him about it. 396 00:15:02,209 --> 00:15:03,794 Are you done? 397 00:15:03,878 --> 00:15:05,671 I am almost done. 398 00:15:05,754 --> 00:15:09,466 I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, 399 00:15:09,550 --> 00:15:13,304 and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch. 400 00:15:14,722 --> 00:15:16,140 That's the wrong way. 401 00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:26,817 You moved. 402 00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:28,068 Remember my old place? 403 00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:29,695 The place in the hood? 404 00:15:29,778 --> 00:15:30,905 No, okay. 405 00:15:30,988 --> 00:15:32,990 - It was hood-adjacent. - Whatever. 406 00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:37,703 So, um… So this was nice. 407 00:15:37,786 --> 00:15:38,871 Yeah, it was. 408 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,727 You want to know what I want to do now? 409 00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:44,251 What? 410 00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:46,587 Take you on a real date. 411 00:15:47,922 --> 00:15:49,048 Why don't you call me? 412 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,884 Good night, Winston. 413 00:16:01,852 --> 00:16:03,395 - Winston, what's happening? - Huh? 414 00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:04,772 Yeah, good night. 415 00:16:04,855 --> 00:16:06,615 What is wrong with you, man? You got no game. 416 00:16:06,649 --> 00:16:08,025 That was so stupid. 417 00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:16,033 Hey! Anyone! 418 00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:17,993 My towel! 419 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:19,912 Can someone please get my towel? 420 00:16:19,995 --> 00:16:23,082 It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape. 421 00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:24,708 The… The bigger towel. 422 00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:27,294 Not… Do not touch the small one. 423 00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,922 Okay, I left my towel in my room. 424 00:16:30,005 --> 00:16:31,298 Nobody look. 425 00:16:31,382 --> 00:16:32,758 Nobody look, yo. 426 00:16:32,842 --> 00:16:34,260 - We don't want to. - Nobody look. 427 00:16:34,343 --> 00:16:36,053 Seriously, no… No one's looking? 428 00:16:36,136 --> 00:16:37,721 All right, forget it. 429 00:16:38,722 --> 00:16:41,600 - Ah! Damn it! - See, he's a natural blond. 430 00:16:41,684 --> 00:16:44,353 What shape is that supposed to be shaved into? 431 00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:46,564 Think he's trying to force perspective. 432 00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:49,150 Very funny. I got to get something off my chest. 433 00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:51,152 No, Schmidt, there is an apron 434 00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:53,320 right over there, go cover yourself. 435 00:16:53,404 --> 00:16:55,614 - You are Jewish. - You're making me gayer. 436 00:16:55,698 --> 00:16:57,700 Are you going to go on, like, a big wet towel rant? 437 00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,910 No. This is now a sex rant. 438 00:16:59,994 --> 00:17:02,163 To wit, six months ago, I thought 439 00:17:02,246 --> 00:17:04,582 getting a girl roommate would mean sex all the time. 440 00:17:04,665 --> 00:17:07,501 Definitely with her friends and probably with her. 441 00:17:07,585 --> 00:17:08,669 Are there women here? 442 00:17:08,752 --> 00:17:10,171 Yeah, sure, more than ever. 443 00:17:10,254 --> 00:17:12,047 But you, not going to happen. 444 00:17:12,173 --> 00:17:13,799 You, I will never give up. 445 00:17:14,550 --> 00:17:16,969 And you… Well, you sample from the gumbo pot. 446 00:17:17,052 --> 00:17:19,597 I am in a damp bathroom 447 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,850 full of naked women every day, and I hate it. 448 00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:24,226 It's like a nightmare. 449 00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:28,063 I'm in a watermelon-themed apron with a… 450 00:17:30,399 --> 00:17:31,442 A tampon? 451 00:17:31,525 --> 00:17:33,694 Why would you need this for cooking? 452 00:17:34,862 --> 00:17:36,197 I just had an idea. 453 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,407 Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars 454 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,291 instead of hooks, and that'll make them dryer? 455 00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:41,535 That is the… 456 00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:45,873 That is… That is a great idea. 457 00:17:47,124 --> 00:17:48,250 Quick question for you. 458 00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:51,253 As a lesbian gynecologist, 459 00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,173 perhaps, one of these days, the two of us 460 00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:56,425 could sit down and talk about OSI. 461 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,677 - What is OSI? - Our shared interest. 462 00:17:58,761 --> 00:18:00,638 - Schmidt, clothe yourself! - All right. 463 00:18:00,721 --> 00:18:01,847 Just a suggestion. 464 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,143 Oh. 465 00:18:06,227 --> 00:18:08,270 - Hey. - Hi. 466 00:18:08,813 --> 00:18:09,939 Nick's not here. 467 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,357 That's okay. 468 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,401 Uh, because I came here to… 469 00:18:14,485 --> 00:18:16,195 Well, I kind of came 470 00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:18,823 because I thought it would be good if you and I… 471 00:18:18,906 --> 00:18:20,699 Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck 472 00:18:20,783 --> 00:18:22,743 - in the yarn because… - Oh. 473 00:18:22,827 --> 00:18:25,079 I didn't realize that you had people over. Sorry. 474 00:18:25,162 --> 00:18:28,332 No, it's just… Crochet time. 475 00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:29,875 Yeah. 476 00:18:29,959 --> 00:18:31,627 - Nick's not here right now. - No, I know. 477 00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:32,795 Thanks. 478 00:18:33,796 --> 00:18:34,964 I'll just come back later. 479 00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:38,008 Hey, Julia? 480 00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:39,957 Do you want to crochet with us? 481 00:18:43,639 --> 00:18:46,100 I mean, growing up was brutal. 482 00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:47,852 I went to an all-girls school. 483 00:18:47,935 --> 00:18:49,770 The worst, girls can be so mean to each other. 484 00:18:49,854 --> 00:18:52,523 Yeah, Cece and I hid in the bathroom for four years. 485 00:18:52,606 --> 00:18:54,086 This is… This is really nice, guys. 486 00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:55,818 Thank you for letting me join in. 487 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,278 It's totally relaxing. 488 00:18:57,361 --> 00:18:58,779 Except that I don't know why 489 00:18:58,863 --> 00:19:01,115 if I put the fox through the cave, 490 00:19:01,198 --> 00:19:02,867 it doesn't… The yarn is broken. 491 00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:05,744 I don't know why this is not turning into… 492 00:19:07,371 --> 00:19:08,539 What you making? 493 00:19:08,622 --> 00:19:09,748 A hat. 494 00:19:09,832 --> 00:19:12,293 If you're making a hat for a baby, it is done. 495 00:19:13,377 --> 00:19:14,461 Yeah. 496 00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:18,048 Hey, Julia. 497 00:19:18,132 --> 00:19:19,466 What are you doing here? 498 00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:21,302 Could I talk to you for a second? 499 00:19:21,802 --> 00:19:22,887 Okay. 500 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,389 Hey, Julia. 501 00:19:26,849 --> 00:19:28,034 - Stop. - No, there's something 502 00:19:28,058 --> 00:19:29,685 that I need to say to you. 503 00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:30,769 All right. Then go ahead. 504 00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:33,314 - Okay. - Okay. 505 00:19:33,397 --> 00:19:34,773 I'm going to say it. 506 00:19:34,982 --> 00:19:36,901 - Okay, I… - Just say it. 507 00:19:36,984 --> 00:19:39,445 All right. I wanted to say that 508 00:19:39,695 --> 00:19:41,405 I don't want to date anybody else. 509 00:19:41,489 --> 00:19:42,865 I just want to date you. 510 00:19:47,536 --> 00:19:49,256 Well, that's what I was going to say to you. 511 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:51,582 - Really? - Yeah. 512 00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:55,628 So, then… So, then, what does that mean? 513 00:19:55,711 --> 00:19:58,923 You're, like, my boyfriend now? 514 00:19:59,089 --> 00:20:01,008 I'm not really into labels. 515 00:20:01,091 --> 00:20:02,092 Yeah, all right. 516 00:20:09,391 --> 00:20:10,392 Boyfriend. 517 00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:11,769 That's so lame. 518 00:20:12,895 --> 00:20:14,688 You're totally going to 519 00:20:14,772 --> 00:20:16,941 carry my books home from school. 520 00:20:17,024 --> 00:20:19,235 I will if you wear my leatherman jacket. 521 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,362 - It's "letterman" jacket. - No, I'm pretty sure 522 00:20:21,445 --> 00:20:22,964 - it's a leatherman jacket. - You letter… 523 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,549 The leather sleeves the football guys wear? 524 00:20:24,573 --> 00:20:26,742 I'm right. I'm right. 525 00:20:28,869 --> 00:20:30,246 I'm glad you pitched a fit, 526 00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:31,789 because my towel is very dry. 527 00:20:31,872 --> 00:20:34,208 I didn't pitch a fit. I just… 528 00:20:34,875 --> 00:20:37,127 Damp! Damn it! 529 00:20:37,253 --> 00:20:38,921 Everybody, bathroom now! 530 00:20:39,922 --> 00:20:41,048 What's up, Dad? 531 00:20:41,131 --> 00:20:43,592 - What, Schmidt? - Is someone playing a joke on me? 532 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,803 Honestly, why is my towel still damp? 533 00:20:45,886 --> 00:20:48,722 Because it's not your towel, it's my towel, Schmidt. 534 00:20:48,806 --> 00:20:50,742 No, it's not your towel. Your towel is the red one. 535 00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:51,851 I'll tell you this, pal. 536 00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:53,018 I've never used that. 537 00:20:53,102 --> 00:20:54,603 I do use that one every single day. 538 00:20:55,729 --> 00:20:56,730 Oh, God. 539 00:20:56,814 --> 00:20:58,566 This towel's so warm and fluffy. 540 00:20:58,649 --> 00:21:00,734 It's like it's been in the sun forever. 541 00:21:00,818 --> 00:21:02,820 This means you two have been drying your junk 542 00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:04,530 - with the same towel. - Intimate. 543 00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:05,614 Are you out of your mind? 544 00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:06,699 What do you mean… 545 00:21:06,782 --> 00:21:08,009 How do you think this is yours? 546 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,034 Do you even wash it? 547 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,162 No, I don't wash the towel, the towel washes me. 548 00:21:11,245 --> 00:21:12,621 Who washes a towel? 549 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:13,706 You never wash… 550 00:21:13,789 --> 00:21:14,790 You wash your towel? 551 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,917 - You never wash the towel? - What am I going to do? 552 00:21:17,001 --> 00:21:19,879 Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? 553 00:21:19,962 --> 00:21:21,130 You got to think here, pal. 554 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:22,256 I'm furious right now. 555 00:21:22,339 --> 00:21:24,717 I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, 556 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,344 - and I use the towel. - Let me ask you this. 557 00:21:27,428 --> 00:21:28,822 Have you been wearing my underpants? 558 00:21:28,846 --> 00:21:30,097 Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? 559 00:21:31,307 --> 00:21:32,784 You don't wear each other's underpants? 560 00:21:32,808 --> 00:21:35,853 You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.