1 00:00:00,580 --> 00:00:03,457 Hey, hey, man, this is my spot. 2 00:00:03,541 --> 00:00:04,542 I was here first! 3 00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:06,043 That's my space, huh? 4 00:00:06,127 --> 00:00:08,671 - This isn't Europe! Move! - Come on. Come on, Nick. 5 00:00:08,754 --> 00:00:10,607 Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day. 6 00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:11,911 I don't care if he's a nice guy. 7 00:00:11,966 --> 00:00:14,594 Get that piece of crap out of my space. 8 00:00:14,677 --> 00:00:15,717 - Don't… - Come on, dude. 9 00:00:15,761 --> 00:00:17,641 Why don't you come in here, take my pants off… 10 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:19,515 - Nick! - And kiss my a…? 11 00:00:19,599 --> 00:00:20,933 - Oh! - Oh, my God! 12 00:00:21,017 --> 00:00:22,977 What do you got to say now? Huh? 13 00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:25,372 - Oh, my God, it's like The Wire! - He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down. 14 00:00:25,396 --> 00:00:26,915 - Oh, my God. - You still think he's a nice guy, Jess? 15 00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:27,940 That's what I thought. 16 00:00:28,024 --> 00:00:29,293 Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. 17 00:00:29,317 --> 00:00:31,444 Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. 18 00:00:31,527 --> 00:00:33,529 - Hi. - Huh? Get down. What are you doing? 19 00:00:33,613 --> 00:00:34,780 - Hi. - Don't kill us. 20 00:00:34,864 --> 00:00:37,491 - Don't use guns. - Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. 21 00:00:37,575 --> 00:00:38,701 We're sorry. Take the spot. 22 00:00:38,784 --> 00:00:39,928 - Sir… - Just be submissive. 23 00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,579 - Sorry about this guy. - No, you… 24 00:00:41,662 --> 00:00:43,262 - Don't apologize… - He's overreacting. 25 00:00:43,331 --> 00:00:45,374 I'm overreacting? He has a gun, 26 00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:47,168 and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. 27 00:00:47,293 --> 00:00:48,711 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 28 00:00:48,794 --> 00:00:50,546 I can't believe this is working. 29 00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:52,882 - You out-crazied a man with a gun. - Sorry. 30 00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,550 Have a good day. 31 00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:56,010 See, it worked. 32 00:00:56,093 --> 00:00:58,304 You always see the worst in people. 33 00:00:59,055 --> 00:01:00,473 Who's that girl? 34 00:01:00,556 --> 00:01:01,807 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:01,891 --> 00:01:03,059 Who's that girl? 36 00:01:03,142 --> 00:01:04,143 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:04,227 --> 00:01:05,228 It's Jess! 38 00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:07,730 Here we go again. 39 00:01:07,813 --> 00:01:09,458 Another text message from work. Look at that. 40 00:01:09,482 --> 00:01:12,235 "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! 41 00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:13,358 What is she trying to say? 42 00:01:13,402 --> 00:01:15,488 I'm not an expert at your industry at all, 43 00:01:15,571 --> 00:01:17,698 but, um, sounds like there's a call. 44 00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:19,408 From Tokyo. 45 00:01:19,492 --> 00:01:20,660 Sometime today. 46 00:01:20,743 --> 00:01:21,911 Oh, wait. At 11:00. 47 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:22,995 You don't understand. 48 00:01:23,079 --> 00:01:25,706 I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately. 49 00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:27,124 What is wrong with you? 50 00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:29,252 The world is not out to seduce you. 51 00:01:29,335 --> 00:01:31,462 "And bring me the budget reports." 52 00:01:31,587 --> 00:01:33,589 Why can't she just say what she wants? 53 00:01:33,673 --> 00:01:35,193 What kind of sick game is she playing? 54 00:01:35,258 --> 00:01:37,338 It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head. 55 00:01:37,802 --> 00:01:39,262 Nonfat vanilla latte. 56 00:01:40,555 --> 00:01:42,848 We're not talking about coffee 57 00:01:43,849 --> 00:01:44,892 are we? 58 00:01:46,769 --> 00:01:47,853 Three, please. 59 00:01:48,938 --> 00:01:50,481 Are you sure you want me to 60 00:01:50,565 --> 00:01:52,108 stop at three? 61 00:01:53,609 --> 00:01:55,069 I have a package for Schmidt. 62 00:01:55,152 --> 00:01:58,864 Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline. 63 00:01:59,156 --> 00:02:00,658 He said he had a package 64 00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:03,077 for Schmidt. 65 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,288 Oh, you're always starting fights with everyone, Nick. 66 00:02:05,371 --> 00:02:07,039 I mean, not everyone's out to get you. 67 00:02:07,123 --> 00:02:09,000 He had a gun, Jess! 68 00:02:09,083 --> 00:02:11,168 He was literally out to get me. 69 00:02:11,252 --> 00:02:13,629 Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met? 70 00:02:13,713 --> 00:02:16,173 Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up 71 00:02:16,257 --> 00:02:18,527 right in that little satinous center below his belly button. 72 00:02:18,551 --> 00:02:19,844 I mean, he's not wrong, though. 73 00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:22,030 - His life is genuinely terrible. - You know what, Jess? 74 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:25,099 I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, 75 00:02:25,182 --> 00:02:26,662 and people do what I want them to do. 76 00:02:26,726 --> 00:02:28,704 - You never smile. - A smile is a sign of weakness. 77 00:02:28,728 --> 00:02:30,354 No! 78 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,691 All right, everybody relax. 79 00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:43,951 Get out! 80 00:02:45,661 --> 00:02:46,662 It's fixed. 81 00:02:46,746 --> 00:02:48,626 - Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord. - Uh-uh. 82 00:02:48,664 --> 00:02:50,625 - This is ridiculous. - Don't call the landlord. 83 00:02:50,708 --> 00:02:52,293 We don't need him here. He's a jerk. 84 00:02:52,376 --> 00:02:54,462 See, here's an example. 85 00:02:54,545 --> 00:02:57,345 Maybe you never gave him the chance to show you what a great guy he is. 86 00:02:57,381 --> 00:02:59,193 - Yeah, he's a terrible person. - No, Jess. He sucks. 87 00:02:59,217 --> 00:03:01,135 Don't call the landlord, I'm serious. 88 00:03:01,219 --> 00:03:02,345 Okay. 89 00:03:05,139 --> 00:03:07,808 Hey, Kim, where should I put this 90 00:03:08,851 --> 00:03:11,103 budget… report? 91 00:03:11,938 --> 00:03:14,565 - On the desk. - Yeah, um, okay. 92 00:03:14,649 --> 00:03:15,983 I'll just… Thanks. So… 93 00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,694 Schmidt, my files need sorting. 94 00:03:21,155 --> 00:03:24,200 Do it here… so I can watch. 95 00:03:25,326 --> 00:03:26,327 Okay. 96 00:03:26,410 --> 00:03:28,371 So, you want me to 97 00:03:28,454 --> 00:03:31,082 sort… your files? 98 00:03:31,791 --> 00:03:33,000 Is that right? 99 00:03:37,964 --> 00:03:39,340 What are you doing? 100 00:03:39,423 --> 00:03:41,384 What am I…? Hmm? Okay. 101 00:03:41,467 --> 00:03:43,278 Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re… 102 00:03:43,302 --> 00:03:45,096 I'm just gonna replace all of them. 103 00:03:57,608 --> 00:03:59,902 Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? 104 00:03:59,986 --> 00:04:04,532 Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. 105 00:04:04,615 --> 00:04:05,950 I know I do, 106 00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:08,327 so if you could do me a solid 107 00:04:08,411 --> 00:04:10,246 and take care of those extras? 108 00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:14,709 Cool office. 109 00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:17,086 I like your 110 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,671 bucket of 111 00:04:19,755 --> 00:04:21,132 gasoline. 112 00:04:21,215 --> 00:04:22,717 It's super practical. 113 00:04:23,509 --> 00:04:24,886 What you got there? 114 00:04:27,263 --> 00:04:28,264 Broom. 115 00:04:30,349 --> 00:04:32,602 So, I live in, um, 4. 116 00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:36,272 There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. 117 00:04:37,356 --> 00:04:39,483 Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. 118 00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,777 - What do you say? - No. 119 00:04:48,117 --> 00:04:50,536 That's a sweet picture. 120 00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:52,496 How old are your kids? 121 00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:54,040 I did that. 122 00:04:54,123 --> 00:04:55,625 It's me and my ex-wife. 123 00:04:57,418 --> 00:04:58,878 Okay, you know what? Um… 124 00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,297 My roommates are really scared of you, but I know 125 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,174 you're a good man, and I know you don't want 126 00:05:03,257 --> 00:05:04,526 the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. 127 00:05:04,550 --> 00:05:06,052 The four of you? 128 00:05:06,135 --> 00:05:09,096 Apartment 4D, there's only supposed to be three people. 129 00:05:11,557 --> 00:05:14,352 Oh, did I say four? 130 00:05:14,435 --> 00:05:17,188 You know what? I was counting myself twice. 131 00:05:17,271 --> 00:05:18,773 It's so easy to do. 132 00:05:18,856 --> 00:05:21,567 Big personality over here, so 133 00:05:21,651 --> 00:05:23,486 gonna go… 134 00:05:25,696 --> 00:05:27,865 Hey, guys. I've got a fun exercise. 135 00:05:27,949 --> 00:05:29,492 I'd like everybody to take a moment 136 00:05:29,575 --> 00:05:32,286 and think back to a time when they did something stupid, 137 00:05:32,370 --> 00:05:34,914 how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated. 138 00:05:34,997 --> 00:05:37,708 - What did you do, Jess? - Open up! 139 00:05:38,376 --> 00:05:40,253 - Did you talk to the landlord? - Little bit. 140 00:05:40,336 --> 00:05:42,773 - Okay, it's happening. Guys, go, go, go. - Ginny. Call me Ginny. 141 00:05:42,797 --> 00:05:44,215 Come on! 142 00:05:44,298 --> 00:05:45,984 We'll be right there. Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay. 143 00:05:46,008 --> 00:05:47,569 Come on, this is what we trained for, guys. 144 00:05:47,593 --> 00:05:48,987 Go! All the way, all the way, all the way. 145 00:05:49,011 --> 00:05:50,364 Be careful with the duvet, please. 146 00:05:50,388 --> 00:05:53,307 Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out! 147 00:05:53,391 --> 00:05:55,591 - Oh, my God. - Told you we didn't practice this enough. 148 00:05:55,893 --> 00:05:57,311 Jess, close those up. 149 00:05:57,395 --> 00:05:59,188 - Oh, there goes the chinos. - Oh! 150 00:06:00,189 --> 00:06:01,816 Brad. Coach. 151 00:06:04,026 --> 00:06:06,362 - Oh. Hello. - Ginny. 152 00:06:06,445 --> 00:06:08,573 I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles. 153 00:06:08,656 --> 00:06:11,534 It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives. 154 00:06:11,617 --> 00:06:12,868 - Oh. - Hollywood! 155 00:06:13,953 --> 00:06:15,162 - Oh. - Oh, good-bye. 156 00:06:15,246 --> 00:06:16,306 - Bye, Ginny. - Yeah, Ginny. 157 00:06:16,330 --> 00:06:17,599 - Thank you for memories. - Bye, Ginny. 158 00:06:17,623 --> 00:06:19,375 - Ginny. - You're the best, Ginny. 159 00:06:19,458 --> 00:06:20,918 - Oh, I'll miss him. - I love Ginny. 160 00:06:21,002 --> 00:06:23,796 So, someone told me you have four people living here. 161 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,924 Well, that idiot probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so… 162 00:06:27,008 --> 00:06:29,260 You don't want… you don't want to go in the library… 163 00:06:29,343 --> 00:06:31,971 Who left the library like this? 164 00:06:32,054 --> 00:06:34,557 - You kidding me? - Know what? This is so embarrassing. 165 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,642 Who left the library like…? This is a mess. 166 00:06:36,726 --> 00:06:38,086 Hey, hey, where you going, my man? 167 00:06:41,105 --> 00:06:43,608 Oh. Hello. 168 00:06:43,691 --> 00:06:45,818 Train to Panama all sold out. 169 00:06:45,902 --> 00:06:47,904 Must be the Mardi Gras. 170 00:06:51,365 --> 00:06:54,952 Good God, what is this? Why would you do this? 171 00:06:55,036 --> 00:06:56,996 This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this. 172 00:06:57,079 --> 00:07:00,082 It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony. 173 00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:02,043 Paint over it! 174 00:07:02,126 --> 00:07:04,462 - Or you pay for it. - He's fair. 175 00:07:05,922 --> 00:07:07,215 - Who painted that? - Giancarlo. 176 00:07:07,298 --> 00:07:10,426 Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. He used to wear a… 177 00:07:10,509 --> 00:07:13,554 I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! 178 00:07:13,638 --> 00:07:15,306 Have fun, buddy. 179 00:07:15,681 --> 00:07:18,226 To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just… 180 00:07:19,101 --> 00:07:20,144 Four people is fine. 181 00:07:20,228 --> 00:07:23,439 Just paint over the sex wall, and don't bother me anymore. 182 00:07:23,522 --> 00:07:26,234 - Hey, sir, wait. - Jess, let… let him go. 183 00:07:26,317 --> 00:07:28,027 I just want to apologize on behalf 184 00:07:28,110 --> 00:07:30,571 of all of us for lying to you about how many people live here. 185 00:07:30,655 --> 00:07:32,341 - Stop reminding him. - But while you're up here, 186 00:07:32,365 --> 00:07:34,659 might as well just fix a few things. 187 00:07:36,285 --> 00:07:37,954 Please… Remy? 188 00:07:38,037 --> 00:07:40,331 How did you know my name? They call you? 189 00:07:41,249 --> 00:07:44,418 I saw your tattoo that says, "Hello, My Name is Remy," 190 00:07:44,502 --> 00:07:46,337 and I just… I took a leap of faith. 191 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:48,422 Look, I know you're a good guy… 192 00:07:48,506 --> 00:07:50,508 Okay, what do you what do you want fixed? 193 00:07:50,591 --> 00:07:52,760 Why don't you close your eyes and point at something? 194 00:07:52,843 --> 00:07:54,845 Her. Not you. 195 00:08:01,227 --> 00:08:04,272 - Schmidt? - Yeah. 196 00:08:04,355 --> 00:08:06,315 I need you to clean up my hard drive. 197 00:08:06,399 --> 00:08:08,192 Okay, do you want me to reformat first? 198 00:08:08,276 --> 00:08:10,403 I said, I need you 199 00:08:10,486 --> 00:08:12,113 to clean up 200 00:08:12,196 --> 00:08:14,031 my hard drive. 201 00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:19,996 I should have seen a divorce coming. 202 00:08:20,079 --> 00:08:24,166 You know, we stopped doing the little things, like talking. 203 00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:27,962 One day, we were humping. Then everything changed. 204 00:08:28,045 --> 00:08:30,131 We weren't humping. 205 00:08:30,214 --> 00:08:33,134 - That must have been really hard. - You know, it was what it was. 206 00:08:33,217 --> 00:08:34,552 Come on, Remy. 207 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,346 - It was hard. - It was hard. 208 00:08:39,223 --> 00:08:40,975 All right, give it a shot. 209 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:42,560 Great. 210 00:08:43,603 --> 00:08:46,022 Okay. Oh. 211 00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:47,690 Here, I'll help… 212 00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:50,067 I'll brace you. Pull back. 213 00:08:50,151 --> 00:08:51,819 - Okay. Okay. - Use your hips. Come on. 214 00:08:51,903 --> 00:08:53,696 - Oh! Oh, that's good. - That's it, is it? 215 00:08:53,779 --> 00:08:55,489 Okay. That'll do it. 216 00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,869 Hey, Jess. Can I talk to you for a minute alone? 217 00:09:01,537 --> 00:09:03,831 So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? 218 00:09:03,915 --> 00:09:06,667 Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow. 219 00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,687 - That man wants to sleep with you. - No, he doesn't. 220 00:09:08,711 --> 00:09:10,314 - Yes, he does. - He was showing me how to close a closet. 221 00:09:10,338 --> 00:09:12,506 Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something 222 00:09:12,590 --> 00:09:14,592 from behind, it's just an excuse 223 00:09:14,675 --> 00:09:17,053 for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. 224 00:09:17,136 --> 00:09:19,305 - Watch any sports movie. - That is not a thing. 225 00:09:19,388 --> 00:09:20,806 You mind picking up that mug? 226 00:09:22,308 --> 00:09:24,810 Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong. Here, let me show you. 227 00:09:24,894 --> 00:09:26,854 No, no, no. I've been doing this for years. 228 00:09:26,938 --> 00:09:28,856 See, the way to pick up a mug is like that. 229 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,959 - You just got to relax into it. - He wasn't doing that! 230 00:09:30,983 --> 00:09:33,462 - That's exactly what he was doing. - You always see the worst in people! 231 00:09:33,486 --> 00:09:35,071 Yeah, because people are the worst! 232 00:09:35,154 --> 00:09:38,241 Whoa! Five bucks! 233 00:09:38,324 --> 00:09:40,993 Look out, college. Here I come! 234 00:09:41,744 --> 00:09:44,038 That's it. People stink! 235 00:09:44,872 --> 00:09:46,183 You must have been doing something. 236 00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:49,001 Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes? 237 00:09:49,085 --> 00:09:50,378 Well, people can be good. 238 00:09:50,461 --> 00:09:52,341 You just have to give them a chance to show you. 239 00:09:53,422 --> 00:09:54,924 Hey, little girl. 240 00:09:56,342 --> 00:09:57,969 You like candy? 241 00:09:58,052 --> 00:10:00,012 I sure do! 242 00:10:00,096 --> 00:10:02,431 Great! My nana made way too much! 243 00:10:09,272 --> 00:10:11,107 Why can't you admit you were wrong? 244 00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:14,151 I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment. 245 00:10:14,235 --> 00:10:16,571 I'm working up an appetite in there. 246 00:10:16,654 --> 00:10:20,533 Boy, I hope you don't mind the smell of a real man in your room. 247 00:10:20,616 --> 00:10:22,743 Let me know when you want to get started on that bed. 248 00:10:22,827 --> 00:10:24,287 Okay. 249 00:10:27,123 --> 00:10:30,001 - He's turning my mattress. - Yeah. 250 00:10:38,134 --> 00:10:41,053 This is so wonderful. 251 00:10:43,514 --> 00:10:46,017 Oh, come on. Don't you ever wear jeans? 252 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,327 Honestly, you look like you should be 253 00:10:47,351 --> 00:10:49,437 distracting James Bond at a baccarat table. 254 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,441 No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. Jess loaned me her seasickness bracelets. 255 00:10:53,524 --> 00:10:55,902 Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat. 256 00:10:55,985 --> 00:10:58,404 You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly? 257 00:10:58,487 --> 00:11:02,325 - Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there. - I know, he's in Rio till the 16th. 258 00:11:02,408 --> 00:11:05,369 Cece, can I talk to you, as a 259 00:11:06,454 --> 00:11:08,122 as a woman? 260 00:11:09,582 --> 00:11:11,542 - All right, Schmidt. - Okay. 261 00:11:11,626 --> 00:11:14,378 My boss and I, we're running a pre-Sex marathon right now, 262 00:11:14,462 --> 00:11:17,089 and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. 263 00:11:17,173 --> 00:11:19,592 I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, 264 00:11:19,675 --> 00:11:21,945 I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see the finish line, 265 00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:24,281 - but I just can't get there. - I need to put one of these on right now. 266 00:11:24,305 --> 00:11:27,642 The problem is is we don't talk. I don't know what she's thinking. 267 00:11:28,768 --> 00:11:30,436 Should I make a move or not? 268 00:11:30,519 --> 00:11:33,189 Stop asking permission and go get it. 269 00:11:33,272 --> 00:11:34,565 That's what I would want. 270 00:11:34,649 --> 00:11:38,819 There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you. 271 00:11:38,903 --> 00:11:42,114 Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? 272 00:11:42,198 --> 00:11:44,492 What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? 273 00:11:44,575 --> 00:11:47,119 - What if I had a croissant blog? - Two of these now. 274 00:11:48,287 --> 00:11:50,206 Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going? 275 00:11:50,289 --> 00:11:54,835 Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, because everything is easy 276 00:11:54,919 --> 00:11:58,130 "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success." 277 00:11:58,631 --> 00:12:00,258 - What? - I have here. 278 00:12:00,341 --> 00:12:02,718 Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007. 279 00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,637 - Oh, please, read on. - Read my favorite one. 280 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,224 "Stop pursuing Caroline. She's Nick's girl. Deal with it." 281 00:12:08,307 --> 00:12:09,701 - Deal with it. She's my girl. - Wow! 282 00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:12,353 - Okay, where'd you find that? - Do not ever stop reading this. 283 00:12:12,436 --> 00:12:13,813 I was very young. And drunk. 284 00:12:13,896 --> 00:12:16,691 Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon 285 00:12:17,233 --> 00:12:19,652 "that will one day release your butterfly"? 286 00:12:19,735 --> 00:12:21,237 No, it does not say that one! 287 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,822 - Come on! - That's number three. 288 00:12:22,905 --> 00:12:25,366 - Why are you doing this to me? - Maybe I just got bored 289 00:12:25,449 --> 00:12:28,077 painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. 290 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,539 This is my favorite. "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, 291 00:12:31,622 --> 00:12:33,165 - "and then steal it." - Oh! 292 00:12:33,249 --> 00:12:35,376 - Steal his…! - You were gonna steal my sparkle? 293 00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:36,669 Give me that. 294 00:12:36,752 --> 00:12:38,421 The funniest thing just happened. 295 00:12:38,504 --> 00:12:41,924 I was watching Remy fix the sink, and I got totally soaked. 296 00:12:42,008 --> 00:12:44,886 - You were so wet! - Man overboard! 297 00:12:44,969 --> 00:12:47,406 So I invited Remy over for dinner to thank him for all the stuff 298 00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:49,724 he's been doing around the apartment. Who's in? 299 00:12:49,807 --> 00:12:52,184 - I gotta… - I… I got a boat, so… 300 00:12:52,268 --> 00:12:55,229 So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess. 301 00:12:56,898 --> 00:12:58,524 Oh, no, Remy. 302 00:12:58,608 --> 00:13:00,401 I changed my mind. I'll be there. 303 00:13:00,484 --> 00:13:01,819 Just watching you. 304 00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:08,701 Remy brought a bottle of 305 00:13:10,286 --> 00:13:11,287 this? 306 00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:13,372 I ferment things in the basement. 307 00:13:13,456 --> 00:13:14,832 I also make cheese. 308 00:13:14,916 --> 00:13:18,044 - Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess. - Yes, I am, Remy made it. 309 00:13:20,922 --> 00:13:21,964 Ahh. 310 00:13:22,048 --> 00:13:23,734 - Think you can handle some, Nick? - Oh, I'm okay. 311 00:13:23,758 --> 00:13:25,527 Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later. 312 00:13:25,551 --> 00:13:29,472 Nick, be nice. How hard could it be to just open yourself up a little bit? 313 00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:31,682 Dip your toe in the pool of possibilities. 314 00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:34,101 Yeah, Nick. Dip your toe. 315 00:13:34,852 --> 00:13:36,479 You guys have a lot in common. 316 00:13:36,562 --> 00:13:38,999 Nick went through a break-up last year that was really hard on him. 317 00:13:39,023 --> 00:13:40,650 Schmidt said your mom had to fly out. 318 00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:42,318 That was a scheduled trip. 319 00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:45,571 Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months 320 00:13:45,655 --> 00:13:48,908 until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears? 321 00:13:49,825 --> 00:13:51,953 - No. - Did you punch out all the windows 322 00:13:52,036 --> 00:13:54,539 until you hit the wall and broke your hand? 323 00:13:54,622 --> 00:13:57,083 Did you go out, looking for companionship, 324 00:13:57,166 --> 00:13:58,960 a little human warmth, 325 00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:02,296 only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood? 326 00:14:04,549 --> 00:14:06,509 - In my own way. - Come here, man. 327 00:14:10,930 --> 00:14:12,306 - It's gonna be okay. - Yeah. 328 00:14:15,351 --> 00:14:19,105 Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine. 329 00:14:21,774 --> 00:14:23,651 Yeah, I'll probably just do the same. 330 00:14:57,810 --> 00:15:00,229 I want you. Now. 331 00:15:00,313 --> 00:15:01,439 Finally. 332 00:15:11,991 --> 00:15:14,243 No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip! 333 00:15:14,702 --> 00:15:17,306 - No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him! - She wanted me to! Consensual, guys! 334 00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:18,331 Tap out, ow, tap out! 335 00:15:21,542 --> 00:15:23,169 Oh, man, tonight is just… 336 00:15:23,252 --> 00:15:27,673 I-I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again. 337 00:15:27,757 --> 00:15:29,967 So… thanks. 338 00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:32,929 Bathroom break. 339 00:15:34,805 --> 00:15:36,557 See? I was right. 340 00:15:36,641 --> 00:15:38,493 - What do you mean, you're right? - You're wrong. 341 00:15:38,517 --> 00:15:40,954 You see the way he's buttering me up so he can move in on you? 342 00:15:40,978 --> 00:15:42,897 Why can't you just admit that you were wrong? 343 00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:44,690 How have you lived this long on your own? 344 00:15:44,774 --> 00:15:46,919 There is no part of that man that wants to sleep with me. 345 00:15:46,943 --> 00:15:49,129 - He's been creeping on you all night. - No, he hasn't been. 346 00:15:49,153 --> 00:15:50,873 - Open your eyes, like, I'm worried… - No! 347 00:15:53,908 --> 00:15:55,159 Oh… 348 00:15:57,995 --> 00:16:00,081 Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants? 349 00:16:00,164 --> 00:16:01,666 I've never done a threesome. 350 00:16:03,292 --> 00:16:05,086 That's what we're doing here, right? 351 00:16:07,547 --> 00:16:09,465 This I did not expect. 352 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,720 I love watching you be wrong, Jess. 353 00:16:14,804 --> 00:16:16,764 I might've been a little bit off about Remy, 354 00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:19,725 but people are generally good, and I'm not wrong about that. 355 00:16:19,809 --> 00:16:22,478 - Jess, people are jerks. - He is hurting from his divorce… 356 00:16:22,562 --> 00:16:24,981 Are you still making excuses for this guy? 357 00:16:25,064 --> 00:16:27,483 Well, look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there. 358 00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:30,361 Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility. 359 00:16:32,071 --> 00:16:35,116 Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss that ball around, huh? 360 00:16:37,076 --> 00:16:38,744 - So turned on. - Okay, you would 361 00:16:38,828 --> 00:16:41,765 seriously have a threesome with that man just to get me to admit that I'm wrong? 362 00:16:41,789 --> 00:16:43,469 I think we could do a lot worse than Remy. 363 00:16:43,541 --> 00:16:44,667 He's got strong arms. 364 00:16:50,715 --> 00:16:52,717 Let's have a threesome. 365 00:16:58,222 --> 00:16:59,640 Ugh… 366 00:17:02,184 --> 00:17:04,437 All right, so, a ménage a trois 367 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,523 - is about three of us… trois… - Sure. 368 00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:09,984 - Ménage-ing fully. - Oui. 369 00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:13,654 Okay. This is happening with this guy. 370 00:17:13,738 --> 00:17:16,198 - This is happening right now, Jess. - Yeah. 371 00:17:16,282 --> 00:17:18,576 So, it's gonna get even a little more uncomfortable. 372 00:17:18,659 --> 00:17:20,870 We just have to keep talking with each other, all right? 373 00:17:20,953 --> 00:17:22,663 Around and communicating. 374 00:17:22,747 --> 00:17:24,165 Let's get some relax music going. 375 00:17:24,248 --> 00:17:26,083 - Great idea. Thank you. - Okay? All right. 376 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,127 Why can't you just admit that he's a good guy? 377 00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:30,939 We are about to have a ménage a trois 'cause you won't admit you're wrong. 378 00:17:30,963 --> 00:17:32,274 - You're out of your mind. - I'm just saying he's a good guy. 379 00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:35,301 Yeah, get into it. 380 00:17:35,384 --> 00:17:37,428 Oh, I am so into this. 381 00:17:37,511 --> 00:17:39,222 I can't wait till we're all ménage-ing. 382 00:17:39,305 --> 00:17:41,057 - Are you into this, Jess? - Yeah. 383 00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,184 - Say you're wrong. - No, turn this up. It's great. 384 00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,852 Say it's over, and it's over. 385 00:17:44,936 --> 00:17:47,563 Don't get nervous, Nick. 386 00:17:47,647 --> 00:17:49,774 This is just a regular conversation we're having. 387 00:17:49,857 --> 00:17:51,251 - Oh, yeah. - Except I'm rubbing your back. 388 00:17:51,275 --> 00:17:53,035 - That's right. - And then I'm going to start 389 00:17:53,110 --> 00:17:54,862 unbuttoning your pants, 390 00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:58,074 and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. 391 00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:00,868 I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. 392 00:18:00,952 --> 00:18:03,079 Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on 393 00:18:03,162 --> 00:18:06,749 until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. 394 00:18:06,832 --> 00:18:09,877 Okay? Because you are gonna be the underpants captain tonight. 395 00:18:09,961 --> 00:18:12,129 - Makes sense. - Great choice, Remy. 396 00:18:12,213 --> 00:18:14,966 Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain. 397 00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:16,968 - Let's bring it in. - Okay. 398 00:18:17,051 --> 00:18:18,803 You two get us started. 399 00:18:18,886 --> 00:18:20,471 - Me and Jess get it started? - Yeah. 400 00:18:20,555 --> 00:18:22,932 - All right? Go ahead. - Us two, getting it started. 401 00:18:23,015 --> 00:18:25,518 You know what to do. Breathe into each other. 402 00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:27,061 Oh, yeah, Jess. I'm not here. 403 00:18:27,144 --> 00:18:28,688 Relax into the ménage. 404 00:18:28,771 --> 00:18:30,314 Let's get this started, Nick. 405 00:18:30,398 --> 00:18:31,583 - You doing this? - Come together. 406 00:18:31,607 --> 00:18:32,960 - Yes. Are you doing this? - 'Cause I'm… Yes. 407 00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:34,086 - I will do it. - All right, okay. 408 00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,254 - We're gonna do it. - Then let's do this. 409 00:18:35,278 --> 00:18:36,445 Nick, I will do this. 410 00:18:36,529 --> 00:18:38,131 - Say that you're wrong, and it's over. - I'm not wrong. 411 00:18:38,155 --> 00:18:40,533 - Jess, you can't do this. But I can. - Okay. 412 00:18:40,616 --> 00:18:41,617 Let's do this, Nick. 413 00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:43,095 - Let's do it, Jess. - I can do it… 414 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:44,120 No, okay! 415 00:18:44,203 --> 00:18:45,621 Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong. 416 00:18:45,705 --> 00:18:48,332 Yes! Yes! 417 00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:51,127 - I'm sorry, Remy. - What, we're not doing this? 418 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,250 - No. - We're not doing it. 419 00:18:52,295 --> 00:18:54,731 I get it, cold feet is just, you know, it's part of the journey, so… 420 00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:56,382 Whoa! What is going on in here? 421 00:18:58,259 --> 00:19:00,344 All right, I am not ready for a four-way. 422 00:19:00,428 --> 00:19:02,054 That's, uh, I'm-I'm… 423 00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:04,640 I'm out of this. 424 00:19:07,435 --> 00:19:09,979 To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high. 425 00:19:11,355 --> 00:19:14,150 Why didn't you tell me four people couldn't live in this apartment? 426 00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:17,403 If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans. 427 00:19:17,486 --> 00:19:19,822 I love shenanigans, as long as no one gets hurt. 428 00:19:21,866 --> 00:19:24,911 Okay, just so we're clear, we're gonna have to live with this, right? 429 00:19:24,994 --> 00:19:26,412 - Yep. - Absolutely. 430 00:19:28,206 --> 00:19:29,457 Hey, Kim? 431 00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:31,584 Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. 432 00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,794 I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just… 433 00:19:33,878 --> 00:19:36,589 I really don't want to lose my job, okay? 434 00:19:36,672 --> 00:19:39,884 I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. 435 00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,553 Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat. 436 00:19:42,637 --> 00:19:45,306 - Your lip is bleeding. - It opens back up when I talk. 437 00:19:45,431 --> 00:19:49,769 Look… Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. 438 00:19:49,852 --> 00:19:52,021 mistaken assault in the parking garage. 439 00:19:52,104 --> 00:19:55,775 I've had a thing for you ever since I was the husky kid in the mailroom. 440 00:19:55,858 --> 00:19:58,069 And if… if you don't believe me 441 00:19:58,152 --> 00:19:59,737 here you go. 442 00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:03,032 Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. It's about you. 443 00:20:03,115 --> 00:20:07,078 "Only think about hot new C.F.O. every other time I masturbate." 444 00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,581 I did not live up to the challenge. 445 00:20:10,665 --> 00:20:12,875 Number seven: "Start floating idea" 446 00:20:12,959 --> 00:20:15,878 "that people call me Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/ 447 00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:18,631 - "The Hook-up-erator." - Can I…? 448 00:20:18,714 --> 00:20:22,134 Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already." 449 00:20:22,218 --> 00:20:23,427 Okay, thank you. 450 00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:26,639 Hey. 451 00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:31,143 Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call. 452 00:20:31,227 --> 00:20:32,228 Now. 453 00:20:35,773 --> 00:20:36,857 Yeah. 454 00:20:49,954 --> 00:20:51,747 Pants. Pants. 455 00:21:16,147 --> 00:21:17,815 Five, six… 456 00:21:17,899 --> 00:21:21,068 I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call. 457 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,492 Yo, you look awesome. 458 00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:34,207 My door is always open.