1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,272 It's classic Nick Miller. I'm holding your hand, and what? 2 00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:05,149 Yeah, I want to go out tonight. 3 00:00:05,233 --> 00:00:07,109 Ugh, couples! 4 00:00:07,193 --> 00:00:09,403 Boo. Hiss. 5 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,781 Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, 6 00:00:11,864 --> 00:00:14,158 you die just a little bit. 7 00:00:14,242 --> 00:00:16,327 It's like a copy of a copy. 8 00:00:16,410 --> 00:00:18,555 But lucky us, we get to go out looking for some strange. 9 00:00:18,579 --> 00:00:20,498 - Happy V-Day, player! - Holla! 10 00:00:20,581 --> 00:00:22,834 Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day. 11 00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,836 - What? - There's no thrill. 12 00:00:24,919 --> 00:00:27,439 You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. 13 00:00:27,463 --> 00:00:29,799 I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. 14 00:00:29,882 --> 00:00:32,009 It's just not fair for everybody else. 15 00:00:32,093 --> 00:00:34,136 It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, 16 00:00:34,220 --> 00:00:36,305 and I… I need to go out, okay? 17 00:00:36,389 --> 00:00:38,182 We need to go out. 18 00:00:38,266 --> 00:00:40,810 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly. 19 00:00:40,893 --> 00:00:42,770 - Twirly? - Twirly. 20 00:00:42,854 --> 00:00:45,606 - Is that like horny? - I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. 21 00:00:45,690 --> 00:00:50,027 Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid… world! 22 00:00:50,194 --> 00:00:51,737 Who's that girl? 23 00:00:51,821 --> 00:00:52,864 Who's that girl? 24 00:00:52,947 --> 00:00:54,073 Who's that girl? 25 00:00:54,157 --> 00:00:55,158 Who's that girl? 26 00:00:55,241 --> 00:00:56,242 It's Jess! 27 00:00:57,410 --> 00:00:59,912 So, we're doing this. Full-on Valentine's. 28 00:00:59,996 --> 00:01:01,247 What'd you do last year? 29 00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:02,832 I was fighting with Caroline. 30 00:01:02,915 --> 00:01:04,075 What were you fighting about? 31 00:01:04,125 --> 00:01:05,334 Oh, you know, the usual. 32 00:01:05,418 --> 00:01:07,795 About how I make too much money and I dress too fancy 33 00:01:07,879 --> 00:01:09,565 and I'm too good at communicating my feelings. 34 00:01:09,589 --> 00:01:10,840 - Right. - Well, this year 35 00:01:10,923 --> 00:01:11,984 we're gonna make up for it. 36 00:01:12,008 --> 00:01:13,426 You and me are gonna do 37 00:01:13,509 --> 00:01:16,137 a real Valentine's Day date. 38 00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,306 I know. God, what's the plan? 39 00:01:18,389 --> 00:01:20,409 Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona. 40 00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:21,559 I can get that. 41 00:01:21,642 --> 00:01:23,787 And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in. 42 00:01:23,811 --> 00:01:26,272 - Oh, I have one in my purse. - You do? 43 00:01:26,355 --> 00:01:28,524 No. Bad idea. 44 00:01:28,608 --> 00:01:30,902 You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston. 45 00:01:30,985 --> 00:01:33,279 Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. 46 00:01:33,362 --> 00:01:34,947 We used to hook up all the time. 47 00:01:35,031 --> 00:01:37,492 For two years I had her number stored in my phone as "Shretty" 48 00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:39,094 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby." 49 00:01:39,118 --> 00:01:40,429 She just wants a relaxed night in. 50 00:01:40,453 --> 00:01:42,371 It actually sounds kind of sexy. 51 00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:44,308 Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out. 52 00:01:44,332 --> 00:01:45,851 Know where that puts you in six months? 53 00:01:45,875 --> 00:01:47,395 Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD 54 00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:49,629 while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. 55 00:01:49,712 --> 00:01:51,506 And guess what? It's not complicated. 56 00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,066 It's about a bunch of rich white people 57 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:54,359 who are remodeling their kitchen. 58 00:01:54,383 --> 00:01:55,944 Are you sure you're really ready for that? 59 00:01:55,968 --> 00:01:57,303 Dude, it's gonna be great. 60 00:01:57,678 --> 00:01:58,971 What are you doing? 61 00:01:59,055 --> 00:02:00,223 I'm packing an overnight bag 62 00:02:00,306 --> 00:02:01,766 in case I have one-night sex. 63 00:02:01,849 --> 00:02:03,726 I've got a T-shirt, socks… 64 00:02:03,809 --> 00:02:04,894 Is this a sewing kit? 65 00:02:04,977 --> 00:02:06,103 Yes, a sewing kit. 66 00:02:06,187 --> 00:02:08,815 Stain remover. Hello? 67 00:02:08,898 --> 00:02:11,818 You don't have one-night stands. You get way too attached. 68 00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:13,337 You could have an emotional connection 69 00:02:13,361 --> 00:02:14,797 with a shoe on the side of the road. 70 00:02:14,821 --> 00:02:16,948 Oh, one shoe? I hate that. 71 00:02:17,031 --> 00:02:18,282 Is this Schmidt's idea? 72 00:02:18,366 --> 00:02:19,617 It's my idea. 73 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:22,286 I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight 74 00:02:22,370 --> 00:02:25,206 is all about what Little Jess wants. 75 00:02:26,332 --> 00:02:28,376 Little Jess. 76 00:02:28,459 --> 00:02:30,169 Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle 77 00:02:30,253 --> 00:02:32,171 and tell him to meet us at the bar, 78 00:02:32,255 --> 00:02:34,090 because I'm not leaving you alone like this 79 00:02:34,173 --> 00:02:35,466 with all of that. 80 00:02:38,886 --> 00:02:40,263 I'm sorry, I don't know 81 00:02:40,346 --> 00:02:42,390 who's smelling what tonight. 82 00:02:42,932 --> 00:02:45,017 Excuse me, you know where Julia Cleary's office is? 83 00:02:45,101 --> 00:02:46,727 Uh, does she need to sign for something? 84 00:02:46,811 --> 00:02:48,396 Little late for a package, isn't it? 85 00:02:48,479 --> 00:02:49,897 Let me guess, your bike broke down. 86 00:02:49,981 --> 00:02:51,107 Fixed-gear, single-speed. 87 00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:52,650 I've been rocking a three-speed. 88 00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:53,901 No, I'm not a bike messenger. 89 00:02:53,985 --> 00:02:55,236 - Follow me. - Okay. 90 00:02:55,319 --> 00:02:56,571 She can get pretty cranky 91 00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:57,864 when she gets interrupted, 92 00:02:57,947 --> 00:03:00,283 but I'll tell you what, I would still hit that. 93 00:03:00,366 --> 00:03:01,677 I mean, despite the age difference, 94 00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:03,870 I would just take that to Pound Town. 95 00:03:03,953 --> 00:03:05,413 You know what I mean? 96 00:03:05,496 --> 00:03:07,582 Just take her on a visit to the boneyard. 97 00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:08,708 You know what I'm saying. 98 00:03:10,042 --> 00:03:11,043 Hey, Nick. 99 00:03:11,127 --> 00:03:12,170 That's my boyfriend, Nick. 100 00:03:12,253 --> 00:03:14,172 Hi. That's my little intern, Cliff. 101 00:03:14,255 --> 00:03:15,464 - Excuse me, Cliff. - What? 102 00:03:15,548 --> 00:03:16,924 Could you get him a water? 103 00:03:17,008 --> 00:03:18,593 Thank you. 104 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:19,760 Hey, Cliff. 105 00:03:21,262 --> 00:03:22,346 Thanks, Cliff. 106 00:03:23,556 --> 00:03:25,558 Sorry it's such a mess in here. 107 00:03:25,641 --> 00:03:27,310 But… I went full out 108 00:03:27,393 --> 00:03:29,103 with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. 109 00:03:29,187 --> 00:03:30,438 Are you ready for it? 110 00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:32,190 - What did you do? - Ha-ha! 111 00:03:32,273 --> 00:03:33,941 Heart boxers! These are the best! 112 00:03:34,025 --> 00:03:35,085 - Right? - I'm putting them on 113 00:03:35,109 --> 00:03:36,110 right now over my pants. 114 00:03:36,194 --> 00:03:38,905 - You can't stop me. - I don't want to stop you, because I 115 00:03:38,988 --> 00:03:40,865 am gonna be rockin' this action. 116 00:03:42,158 --> 00:03:43,478 You were born to wear that thing. 117 00:03:43,534 --> 00:03:44,994 We can never talk about any of this. 118 00:03:45,077 --> 00:03:46,287 Okay. Can we go? 119 00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:49,332 I have a little bit more work to do. Just, like, an hour. 120 00:03:52,627 --> 00:03:54,795 - Hey, babe. - Ooh, you brought wine. 121 00:03:54,879 --> 00:03:56,631 - Yeah. - Good. We're almost out. 122 00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:57,715 It's not the food! 123 00:03:57,798 --> 00:03:59,550 Come on in. Pick out a polish. 124 00:03:59,634 --> 00:04:01,677 He looks like a player. 125 00:04:01,761 --> 00:04:03,846 Ah. Never mind. 126 00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:06,098 I thought we said no guys. 127 00:04:06,182 --> 00:04:08,935 I am not touching his feet. 128 00:04:09,018 --> 00:04:10,537 - I'm not kidding you. - That's amazing. 129 00:04:10,561 --> 00:04:12,104 Where's what's-his-name? 130 00:04:12,188 --> 00:04:14,440 We are actually gonna meet up later, because 131 00:04:14,524 --> 00:04:16,359 he's got a little surprise for me. 132 00:04:16,901 --> 00:04:18,694 Spoiler. It's his penis. 133 00:04:18,778 --> 00:04:20,738 Okay, stop. Enough. Pay attention. 134 00:04:20,822 --> 00:04:22,240 - You're from Oregon? - Yeah. 135 00:04:22,323 --> 00:04:24,200 - I'm from Oregon. - Oh, no. What? 136 00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:25,883 I mean, how often do you meet Oregonians? 137 00:04:25,993 --> 00:04:26,994 I don't know. 138 00:04:27,078 --> 00:04:28,180 Could you hold on one second? 139 00:04:28,204 --> 00:04:29,747 - Yeah. Sure. - Okay. 140 00:04:29,831 --> 00:04:32,792 Oh, my God, he's from Oregon. I'm from Oregon. 141 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,144 - Bad idea. - No, you can't do this. 142 00:04:34,168 --> 00:04:35,253 - Horrible. - Sorry. 143 00:04:35,336 --> 00:04:36,337 You bonded emotionally. 144 00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:37,731 If you end up having sex with him, 145 00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:40,299 it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. 146 00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:41,985 Look, that is not one-night-stand material. 147 00:04:42,009 --> 00:04:44,196 You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry. 148 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:45,596 I know what I'm talking about. 149 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:46,848 I have my 10,000 hours. 150 00:04:46,931 --> 00:04:48,558 Outliers. You should read it. 151 00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:49,767 Malcolm Gladwell. 152 00:04:49,851 --> 00:04:51,269 It's one of my desert island books. 153 00:04:51,352 --> 00:04:53,271 Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, 154 00:04:53,354 --> 00:04:55,481 Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts 155 00:04:55,565 --> 00:04:57,205 from the first season of Vampire Diaries, 156 00:04:57,233 --> 00:04:59,569 - a little Phantom T. - I love Phantom Tollbooth. 157 00:04:59,652 --> 00:05:02,196 Of course you do, you're a human being. 158 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,698 So no connection? 159 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,825 - Zero. - Sorry, babe. No. 160 00:05:09,871 --> 00:05:11,038 Good girl. 161 00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:17,378 Hey. 162 00:05:17,461 --> 00:05:19,589 Could I have your cherry? 163 00:05:19,672 --> 00:05:21,340 - Sure. - Cool. 164 00:05:25,052 --> 00:05:26,179 Sorry. 165 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,861 You okay, lady? 166 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:46,032 Schwing! 167 00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:53,831 Hey, guys. Um, this is Oliver. 168 00:05:53,915 --> 00:05:56,459 Um, Oliver is a… 169 00:05:56,542 --> 00:05:57,919 - Web creator. - Web creator. 170 00:05:59,086 --> 00:06:02,423 - Uh, also, we both love… lunch. - Lunch. 171 00:06:02,507 --> 00:06:03,883 Love lunch. 172 00:06:03,966 --> 00:06:05,527 - You're kidding. - Wow, what a coincidence. 173 00:06:05,551 --> 00:06:06,831 When people talk about breakfast 174 00:06:06,886 --> 00:06:08,846 being the most important meal of the day, 175 00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:11,724 - I'm, like, what? - What… is that? 176 00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:13,851 What about lunch, man? 177 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,022 You want another drink? 178 00:06:18,105 --> 00:06:19,565 If I didn't know ya better, 179 00:06:19,649 --> 00:06:21,317 I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up! 180 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,777 Why are you talking like that? 181 00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:25,071 Oh, Oliver… 182 00:06:25,154 --> 00:06:27,114 We have nothing in common. 183 00:06:30,993 --> 00:06:34,205 Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. 184 00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,958 But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt. 185 00:06:38,835 --> 00:06:40,002 So, what about you? 186 00:06:40,086 --> 00:06:42,338 What about that redhead? I thought you totally had that. 187 00:06:42,630 --> 00:06:43,965 Oh, that's in process. 188 00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:46,717 This is where I do this kind of, like, look thing, 189 00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:49,053 where, like, my confusion makes her confused, 190 00:06:49,136 --> 00:06:50,596 and then also kind of hot. 191 00:06:52,056 --> 00:06:53,432 Let me help you. 192 00:06:54,559 --> 00:06:56,185 I'm gonna make her jealous. 193 00:06:56,269 --> 00:06:57,770 All right, can you… Can you stop? 194 00:06:58,062 --> 00:07:01,232 Cece, you are way too beautiful. 195 00:07:01,315 --> 00:07:03,151 She'll think she doesn't have a shot with me. 196 00:07:03,276 --> 00:07:04,920 Can you stop looking at me like that, please? 197 00:07:04,944 --> 00:07:06,779 What look? I'm not even looking at you. 198 00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,990 The pouty one, the naughty baby Indian. 199 00:07:09,073 --> 00:07:11,617 I just ate something spicy, and my lip is swollen. 200 00:07:11,742 --> 00:07:13,619 Baby! Hi! 201 00:07:13,870 --> 00:07:15,204 Hey! 202 00:07:15,788 --> 00:07:17,582 All right, just get in there, man. 203 00:07:17,832 --> 00:07:19,292 Clean it all out. 204 00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:20,501 Like a dentist. 205 00:07:20,585 --> 00:07:21,669 Hey! 206 00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:23,462 - Hey-hey-hey-hey! - Wow! 207 00:07:23,546 --> 00:07:24,630 Look, look. 208 00:07:24,714 --> 00:07:27,133 Surprise! 'Shrooms. 209 00:07:27,592 --> 00:07:29,611 - Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have. - I ate three. 210 00:07:29,635 --> 00:07:30,761 I ate three. Three. 211 00:07:30,845 --> 00:07:32,096 On a pizza! 212 00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:33,181 Look at you, man. 213 00:07:33,264 --> 00:07:34,599 You're a champion. 214 00:07:34,682 --> 00:07:37,435 Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause he's about to get real handsy 215 00:07:37,518 --> 00:07:38,895 and a little racist. 216 00:07:38,978 --> 00:07:40,605 So, you'll watch Jess? 217 00:07:40,688 --> 00:07:43,524 - Yeah, yeah, I will. - Okay. Let's go, Kyle. 218 00:07:43,608 --> 00:07:45,067 Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. 219 00:07:45,318 --> 00:07:47,695 Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver. 220 00:07:47,778 --> 00:07:49,614 Great! I'm so happy… 221 00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:51,282 Hey, three words: 222 00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:52,658 Double bag it. 223 00:07:52,742 --> 00:07:55,036 I got that covered. Um… 224 00:07:55,119 --> 00:07:56,496 These guys… 225 00:07:56,579 --> 00:07:58,372 - Hundy pack, so… - A hundred condoms? 226 00:07:58,456 --> 00:07:59,808 Are you gonna have sex with an army? 227 00:07:59,832 --> 00:08:01,918 Oh, I'm gonna get up in it, mon. 228 00:08:02,001 --> 00:08:04,321 That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen, honestly. 229 00:08:04,378 --> 00:08:05,630 Does it have, like, a roller? 230 00:08:05,713 --> 00:08:07,608 Like, you know, you go through the airport with it? 231 00:08:07,632 --> 00:08:09,258 I'm gonna rip him a new one. 232 00:08:09,342 --> 00:08:10,426 Very intimidating. 233 00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:13,304 A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, 234 00:08:13,387 --> 00:08:14,823 depending on how much salmon he's had. 235 00:08:14,847 --> 00:08:17,683 He's literally the most boring person I've ever met. 236 00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:20,186 He's described every lunch he's had this week, 237 00:08:20,269 --> 00:08:22,021 and three of them were tacos. 238 00:08:22,104 --> 00:08:24,190 - My work here is done. - Not really. 239 00:08:24,357 --> 00:08:26,192 Little favor. He doesn't have a car, 240 00:08:26,275 --> 00:08:28,277 I don't have a car, 'cause I came with you, so I… 241 00:08:28,361 --> 00:08:30,029 Oh, no, no, no, no. 242 00:08:30,112 --> 00:08:31,322 No. 243 00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:34,158 One of the tacos had extra cheese, 244 00:08:34,242 --> 00:08:36,577 and the other one had avocados. 245 00:08:36,661 --> 00:08:37,954 And cheese. 246 00:08:38,037 --> 00:08:40,832 And cheese, actually. 247 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,670 Well, I guess it's time to take that Chinese head 248 00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:47,672 out of that Chinese ass, Ming. 249 00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:49,257 That's so sweet. 250 00:08:49,340 --> 00:08:51,008 I love that. Thank you. 251 00:08:51,092 --> 00:08:52,528 Hey, I pushed the reservation to 8:30. 252 00:08:52,552 --> 00:08:54,637 Okay, I just need 40 to 50 more minutes, okay? 253 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,763 - I'm sorry. - No, no, no. 254 00:08:56,055 --> 00:08:58,182 Hey, Confucius say, 255 00:08:58,266 --> 00:09:00,059 "You work for me." 256 00:09:06,357 --> 00:09:07,358 What, Winston? 257 00:09:07,441 --> 00:09:09,878 Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you, I know you're at dinner. 258 00:09:09,902 --> 00:09:12,464 No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually hanging out with a guy named Cliff. 259 00:09:12,488 --> 00:09:14,532 Are we hanging out? That's awesome. 260 00:09:14,949 --> 00:09:16,260 Listen, man, I'm at Shelby's house 261 00:09:16,284 --> 00:09:17,604 and there's two other girls here. 262 00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:18,661 Drinking cranberry juice, 263 00:09:18,744 --> 00:09:20,556 talking about Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. 264 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:22,081 I got a nose strip on my face, man. 265 00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:23,457 - So leave. - It's just that… 266 00:09:23,541 --> 00:09:25,418 I really enjoy being around this girl. 267 00:09:25,668 --> 00:09:26,836 All right, so stay. 268 00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:28,599 You know what, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna… 269 00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:35,469 Can I ask you something? With her, the 270 00:09:35,553 --> 00:09:40,224 is it… Is it gentle, or is it… Not so gentle? 271 00:09:41,392 --> 00:09:42,602 You know what I mean? 272 00:09:43,644 --> 00:09:46,439 Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't just say that, Cliff. 273 00:09:46,522 --> 00:09:47,732 Fair enough. 274 00:09:47,815 --> 00:09:49,567 Yeah, Ming, I got your text. 275 00:09:49,650 --> 00:09:51,486 What part of that did you not understand? 276 00:09:51,569 --> 00:09:52,945 Do you want some champagne, Cliff? 277 00:10:03,498 --> 00:10:06,167 What is that? Is he injured? 278 00:10:06,250 --> 00:10:07,668 No, I think… 279 00:10:07,752 --> 00:10:09,003 Pause. Pause. 280 00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:11,130 Why are you pausing the movie? 281 00:10:11,214 --> 00:10:12,340 Bathroom break. 282 00:10:12,423 --> 00:10:14,193 It's right in the middle of the movie. What… 283 00:10:14,217 --> 00:10:15,343 What's wrong with him? 284 00:10:15,426 --> 00:10:16,594 Why are you still here? 285 00:10:16,677 --> 00:10:18,280 You don't have a car, he doesn't have a car. 286 00:10:18,304 --> 00:10:19,472 How you gonna get home? 287 00:10:19,555 --> 00:10:21,474 I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt. 288 00:10:21,557 --> 00:10:23,100 It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? 289 00:10:23,518 --> 00:10:24,977 There are youths everywhere. 290 00:10:25,144 --> 00:10:27,814 Youths? Are you Officer Krupke? 291 00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:30,149 Would you… Damn it. 292 00:10:30,566 --> 00:10:32,109 It's Cece. Hello? 293 00:10:32,276 --> 00:10:34,570 Why are you crashing Jess' one-night stand? 294 00:10:34,654 --> 00:10:36,465 He asked if I wanted to watch Planet of the Apes. 295 00:10:36,489 --> 00:10:37,990 - I didn't know he meant now. - Ugh. 296 00:10:38,074 --> 00:10:40,052 - What's wrong with you? - Hate you. Tell him to leave. 297 00:10:40,076 --> 00:10:41,661 Get out of there, Schmidt. 298 00:10:41,744 --> 00:10:43,287 Leave your car there, 299 00:10:43,371 --> 00:10:44,580 and I'll come get you, okay? 300 00:10:44,831 --> 00:10:45,998 What is going on over there? 301 00:10:46,082 --> 00:10:47,202 Where are you? Where's Kyle? 302 00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:49,043 I'm at a playground. 303 00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:50,336 Kyle's shrooming. 304 00:10:50,586 --> 00:10:51,629 Woo, woo. 305 00:10:51,712 --> 00:10:52,797 I'll see you guys later. 306 00:10:54,298 --> 00:10:56,384 I love brown people! 307 00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:58,010 That's racist, Kyle. 308 00:10:58,427 --> 00:10:59,428 Excuse me. 309 00:10:59,512 --> 00:11:00,805 Back to the movie. 310 00:11:02,515 --> 00:11:03,766 Ready? 311 00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:04,851 - Yeah. - Yeah. 312 00:11:07,562 --> 00:11:09,564 These monkeys look so real. 313 00:11:09,647 --> 00:11:10,648 Apes. 314 00:11:10,731 --> 00:11:11,732 They're apes. 315 00:11:12,108 --> 00:11:13,901 Oh. You're one of those? 316 00:11:13,985 --> 00:11:15,546 - Get out. - Like there's a real difference? 317 00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:17,029 - Get out now! - All right. 318 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,415 Youths! 319 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:28,958 You know what, Cliff? 320 00:11:29,417 --> 00:11:31,794 I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very romantic, 321 00:11:31,878 --> 00:11:34,798 and I have nowhere else to put it, so happy Valentine's Day, good-looking. 322 00:11:35,131 --> 00:11:36,716 - You know what? - What? 323 00:11:36,799 --> 00:11:39,427 Put it right here. 'Cause I like it. 324 00:11:40,595 --> 00:11:42,638 So how did you get that far into law school 325 00:11:42,722 --> 00:11:43,806 and then drop out? 326 00:11:43,931 --> 00:11:46,392 - Well, I got my heart broken. - Yeah. 327 00:11:46,475 --> 00:11:47,977 And then everything got weird. 328 00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:50,813 I started playing guitar in an alt-country-ska band. 329 00:11:50,897 --> 00:11:51,898 Sure. 330 00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:53,733 - Gambling a lot. - Yeah. 331 00:11:53,816 --> 00:11:56,235 There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig 332 00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:58,070 and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson. 333 00:11:58,279 --> 00:12:00,281 I have never loved anyone that much. 334 00:12:00,448 --> 00:12:02,867 Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight. 335 00:12:02,950 --> 00:12:04,035 As a person? 336 00:12:04,410 --> 00:12:05,953 Yes, Cliff, as a person. 337 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,705 Come on! 338 00:12:08,122 --> 00:12:09,624 Get me out of here! 339 00:12:09,707 --> 00:12:11,542 Help! Help! 340 00:12:12,043 --> 00:12:14,629 I've had a tough couple of days, Freddie. 341 00:12:14,837 --> 00:12:17,006 The point of the story is I looked around at my life 342 00:12:17,089 --> 00:12:20,134 and I realized that I didn't want to work for somebody else 343 00:12:20,218 --> 00:12:21,260 my whole life. 344 00:12:21,344 --> 00:12:23,304 That is exactly how I feel, man. 345 00:12:23,387 --> 00:12:25,348 Yeah, but the second half of that story 346 00:12:25,431 --> 00:12:27,016 is how I went broke and started working 347 00:12:27,099 --> 00:12:28,476 for somebody else my whole life. 348 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:30,812 Okay, what was that? 349 00:12:30,978 --> 00:12:32,080 I don't want to be a lawyer. 350 00:12:32,104 --> 00:12:33,105 I don't want to do this. 351 00:12:33,189 --> 00:12:34,909 - Don't do this. Not tonight. - I'm leaving. 352 00:12:34,982 --> 00:12:36,359 - I'm leaving tonight. - Oh, Cliff. 353 00:12:36,442 --> 00:12:38,861 Look what I found under a pile of depositions. 354 00:12:38,945 --> 00:12:40,822 - I'm quitting! - What? 355 00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:42,750 Nick convinced me that I can't waste my life 356 00:12:42,782 --> 00:12:43,902 doing your stapling anymore. 357 00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:45,576 I never said anything like that, Julia. 358 00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:49,372 Not doing it anymore. I'm not working all night on Valentine's Day. 359 00:12:49,455 --> 00:12:50,706 I'm just gonna get in my car, 360 00:12:50,790 --> 00:12:53,376 and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun. 361 00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:55,086 'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere. 362 00:12:55,253 --> 00:12:56,963 And for once in my life, 363 00:12:57,046 --> 00:12:59,173 I'm gonna spend some time with my birds. 364 00:12:59,257 --> 00:13:00,341 - Whoo! - No, Cliff! 365 00:13:00,424 --> 00:13:03,344 We're gonna start paying you so soon! 366 00:13:05,096 --> 00:13:06,848 Julia, I am so sorry. 367 00:13:06,931 --> 00:13:09,934 I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico. 368 00:13:10,059 --> 00:13:11,477 You got arrested in Mexico? 369 00:13:11,561 --> 00:13:13,813 I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked up 370 00:13:13,896 --> 00:13:15,106 and were stuck with me. 371 00:13:15,189 --> 00:13:16,834 - Now I got to do all this stuff. - I know. 372 00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:19,443 - I'm sorry. - Just go home, Nick. 373 00:13:19,527 --> 00:13:21,279 - Sorry. - I'll call you tomorrow. 374 00:13:23,281 --> 00:13:24,532 No! 375 00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:27,493 What? 376 00:13:27,577 --> 00:13:28,870 Are you kidding me? 377 00:13:29,203 --> 00:13:30,663 Hey, Amy. 378 00:13:30,997 --> 00:13:32,373 Uh, this is my ex, Amy. 379 00:13:32,456 --> 00:13:33,583 We broke up last week. 380 00:13:33,958 --> 00:13:35,293 She can't afford to move out 381 00:13:35,376 --> 00:13:36,696 - 'cause she doesn't work. - What? 382 00:13:37,545 --> 00:13:39,088 Hey, so how was your night? 383 00:13:39,172 --> 00:13:41,632 Are you serious right now, Oliver? 384 00:13:42,008 --> 00:13:43,551 - Um, hey. - Yeah. 385 00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:44,760 - I'm Jess. - Oh. 386 00:13:46,012 --> 00:13:47,013 Hey. 387 00:13:48,055 --> 00:13:49,265 Who is she? 388 00:13:49,348 --> 00:13:50,933 What are you doing here, Cece? 389 00:13:51,058 --> 00:13:53,060 Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt. 390 00:13:53,144 --> 00:13:55,480 Schmidt left, like, an hour ago. 391 00:13:55,563 --> 00:13:56,647 No, no, I didn't. 392 00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:57,732 Are you kidding me? 393 00:13:57,815 --> 00:14:00,568 My tires were stolen by street youths. 394 00:14:00,651 --> 00:14:01,652 Ugh! 395 00:14:02,945 --> 00:14:04,447 Hey, did I pee my pants? 396 00:14:04,614 --> 00:14:06,199 Friends, did I pee in my pants? 397 00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:08,075 - No, Kyle, you're just on drugs. - Guys? 398 00:14:08,201 --> 00:14:09,344 He definitely peed, I can see. 399 00:14:09,368 --> 00:14:11,078 See! See! 400 00:14:11,496 --> 00:14:12,622 Who's the idiot now? 401 00:14:12,705 --> 00:14:14,540 Okay, all of you, get out of here. 402 00:14:14,624 --> 00:14:16,393 - I peed my pants. - We got to get out of… Oh. 403 00:14:16,417 --> 00:14:17,460 - Mmm. - Mmm. 404 00:14:17,627 --> 00:14:19,086 This guy's like a magician. 405 00:14:19,170 --> 00:14:22,131 How does it feel, Oliver? 406 00:14:23,049 --> 00:14:24,800 Okay, uh, Kyle, 407 00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:26,487 I'm the one you're gonna sleep with tonight, 408 00:14:26,511 --> 00:14:27,512 so we got to… 409 00:14:29,597 --> 00:14:32,391 - What are you gonna do now? - You're cute. 410 00:14:34,143 --> 00:14:35,144 Okay, okay. 411 00:14:35,228 --> 00:14:36,229 Okay. 412 00:14:36,312 --> 00:14:37,897 - My man! - Get out of my house! 413 00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:42,276 - I will murder you! - Bye! 414 00:14:43,945 --> 00:14:45,738 - What? - Hey, Kyle. Hey. 415 00:14:45,822 --> 00:14:46,906 It's a stick. 416 00:14:46,989 --> 00:14:49,283 - Go get it. - Ooh, shiny! 417 00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:51,285 Whoo. 418 00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:53,329 What does a girl got to do 419 00:14:53,412 --> 00:14:55,665 to get a one-night stand around here? 420 00:14:56,165 --> 00:14:57,667 Sorry. 421 00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:03,756 This sangria is amazing, Winston. 422 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,093 My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. 423 00:15:07,176 --> 00:15:08,803 But seriously, Tia, 424 00:15:08,886 --> 00:15:11,722 you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you. 425 00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:13,575 - I keep trying to tell her that. - It's true. 426 00:15:13,599 --> 00:15:16,310 You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom. 427 00:15:16,394 --> 00:15:17,645 - Wow. - Hmm. 428 00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:35,121 Hey, are you gonna be done soon? 429 00:15:35,663 --> 00:15:36,914 Maybe. 430 00:15:40,459 --> 00:15:42,378 She can't keep eating tacos all night. 431 00:15:42,461 --> 00:15:43,504 Yeah. 432 00:15:43,588 --> 00:15:45,423 Because I ate most of the tacos yesterday. 433 00:15:45,506 --> 00:15:47,133 You know what? 434 00:15:47,675 --> 00:15:48,885 I can't do this. 435 00:15:49,594 --> 00:15:52,221 You're a really great guy, and, um… 436 00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:54,473 I mean, I don't know that, um, 437 00:15:54,557 --> 00:15:58,144 but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet. 438 00:15:59,187 --> 00:16:01,105 I'm looking pretty good right now. 439 00:16:01,189 --> 00:16:02,648 It's just so hard, you know? 440 00:16:03,566 --> 00:16:06,068 I feel so alone sometimes. 441 00:16:07,695 --> 00:16:09,489 And I lied to you. 442 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:12,283 I'm not a web creator. 443 00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:14,285 I'm not a player. 444 00:16:21,375 --> 00:16:23,252 - I miss her so much. - Oh, 445 00:16:23,336 --> 00:16:25,087 she's in… She's just in the kitchen. 446 00:16:25,171 --> 00:16:27,006 Baby! 447 00:16:27,089 --> 00:16:28,382 Can you make me a smoothie? 448 00:16:33,971 --> 00:16:35,389 You know, just making copies. 449 00:16:35,473 --> 00:16:36,641 Did you do all of this? 450 00:16:36,724 --> 00:16:37,850 - I did. - No. 451 00:16:37,934 --> 00:16:39,560 - Yeah. - Really? 452 00:16:39,644 --> 00:16:41,813 And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy 453 00:16:41,896 --> 00:16:44,023 of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin. 454 00:16:44,106 --> 00:16:45,316 Okay. 455 00:16:45,399 --> 00:16:47,568 I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. 456 00:16:47,652 --> 00:16:49,028 Okay, and if anyone finds it, 457 00:16:49,111 --> 00:16:51,280 I want them to know that I moved during the copy, 458 00:16:51,364 --> 00:16:53,574 and I don't actually have two butt cracks. 459 00:16:53,658 --> 00:16:54,700 I know. 460 00:16:55,952 --> 00:16:57,119 What? 461 00:16:57,411 --> 00:17:00,248 I've never ever cared 462 00:17:00,331 --> 00:17:01,833 about Valentine's Day before. 463 00:17:01,916 --> 00:17:03,668 Neither have I. 464 00:17:03,751 --> 00:17:04,877 But it's nice. 465 00:17:05,586 --> 00:17:06,796 - Yeah. - Right? 466 00:17:12,176 --> 00:17:14,428 You did all the work wrong, though. 467 00:17:15,221 --> 00:17:17,139 - Yeah, I know I did. - That's okay. 468 00:17:25,982 --> 00:17:27,650 I'm sorry. 469 00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:29,360 No, no, no, do what you got to do. 470 00:17:30,528 --> 00:17:31,779 Hi, Ming. 471 00:17:31,863 --> 00:17:33,156 Yeah, I got your text. 472 00:17:33,239 --> 00:17:34,866 And yeah, it was wrong, 473 00:17:34,949 --> 00:17:37,785 just like every single other text you've sent me tonight. 474 00:17:37,869 --> 00:17:39,203 Call I call you tomorrow? 475 00:17:39,287 --> 00:17:40,913 - Yeah, it's fine, go. - I'm sorry. 476 00:17:41,998 --> 00:17:42,999 Are you really… 477 00:17:43,082 --> 00:17:44,434 Are you arguing with me about that? 478 00:17:44,458 --> 00:17:47,003 Are you actually arguing with me about that? 479 00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:49,672 - Bye. - Bye, girl, thank you. 480 00:17:49,755 --> 00:17:51,549 - Bye. - Bye, Shel. 481 00:17:54,218 --> 00:17:55,386 That was fun. 482 00:17:55,469 --> 00:17:57,180 Any time. 483 00:17:58,181 --> 00:18:00,349 So, you weren't expecting 484 00:18:00,433 --> 00:18:01,434 a girls' night, were you? 485 00:18:01,517 --> 00:18:03,060 Not really. 486 00:18:04,312 --> 00:18:05,752 You know, Tia needed some tough love. 487 00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:11,486 You keep doing it. 488 00:18:12,195 --> 00:18:13,196 What? 489 00:18:13,988 --> 00:18:16,240 Making up for how you used to be. 490 00:18:18,242 --> 00:18:19,368 You don't remember? 491 00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:21,996 Valentine's Day, 2008? 492 00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:23,664 You said you'd call. 493 00:18:23,748 --> 00:18:24,916 You didn't. 494 00:18:28,503 --> 00:18:30,296 Um… 495 00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:33,049 I waited all night. 496 00:18:35,885 --> 00:18:39,138 Okay, I don't deserve a second chance with you, do I? 497 00:18:40,097 --> 00:18:41,516 But here you are. 498 00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:43,935 Getting one. 499 00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:54,237 - Oh. - Hey. 500 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,073 Hey, what are you doing home so soon? 501 00:18:57,156 --> 00:18:59,468 Well, I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. 502 00:18:59,492 --> 00:19:00,952 He made me video-chat 503 00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:02,755 with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, 504 00:19:02,829 --> 00:19:05,248 and then, um, I came home, so… 505 00:19:05,331 --> 00:19:06,892 Jess, you don't your first one-night stand 506 00:19:06,916 --> 00:19:08,501 to be with some total stranger. 507 00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:10,169 You got to pick someone who you know, 508 00:19:10,253 --> 00:19:12,105 who's not gonna make a big deal of the whole thing. 509 00:19:12,129 --> 00:19:14,590 - Hmm. - You have an urge, you act on it. 510 00:19:14,715 --> 00:19:15,967 - Right. - And… 511 00:19:16,050 --> 00:19:17,552 Whatever you do, 512 00:19:17,635 --> 00:19:20,388 leave immediately afterwards. 513 00:19:20,471 --> 00:19:22,890 God help you if you get sucked into a brunch. 514 00:19:22,974 --> 00:19:25,726 - Thanks, Schmidt. - Come here. 515 00:19:27,186 --> 00:19:28,187 You smell good. 516 00:19:28,271 --> 00:19:30,481 It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. 517 00:19:35,403 --> 00:19:37,321 - Don't over-think it. - Okay. 518 00:19:47,498 --> 00:19:48,708 Don't over-think it. 519 00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:51,085 Don't over… 520 00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:53,462 Don't over-think it. 521 00:20:06,893 --> 00:20:08,019 Schmidt? 522 00:20:08,102 --> 00:20:09,395 Hey, Jess, what are you doing? 523 00:20:12,815 --> 00:20:15,109 I was asking Schmidt a question. 524 00:20:15,193 --> 00:20:16,473 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What? 525 00:20:17,236 --> 00:20:18,237 Were you… 526 00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:19,864 - What? No. - With Schmidt? 527 00:20:19,947 --> 00:20:21,449 No! No. 528 00:20:22,074 --> 00:20:24,202 I was holding those, but I… 529 00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:26,037 Oh, my God. 530 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:27,830 - What has gotten into you? - No. No. 531 00:20:27,914 --> 00:20:29,850 - Why do you have so many condoms? - Shh! Don't ever… 532 00:20:29,874 --> 00:20:31,459 Shh! Don't ever speak of this again. 533 00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:33,878 You need one. Tops, two. Let's go. 534 00:20:33,961 --> 00:20:35,647 - We'll get these later. - I was feeling twirly. 535 00:20:35,671 --> 00:20:36,839 - Nick, Nick… - No! 536 00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:39,091 You're not having sex with Schmidt. 537 00:20:39,175 --> 00:20:40,968 This is a danger zone for you. 538 00:20:41,052 --> 00:20:42,720 What is happening out there? 539 00:20:42,803 --> 00:20:44,013 Stop, do not move, okay? 540 00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:45,866 - What? Why? - Because if somebody catches us, 541 00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:47,826 I'm gonna say you drugged me. My word against yours. 542 00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:49,018 - Okay? - Okay, yeah. 543 00:20:49,101 --> 00:20:51,145 That fine, that makes sense. 544 00:20:52,104 --> 00:20:53,564 You smell so good right now. 545 00:20:58,444 --> 00:21:02,073 You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night. 546 00:21:02,156 --> 00:21:03,491 Tell me. 547 00:21:03,950 --> 00:21:06,577 Okay, but you have to promise never to tell anyone, ever. 548 00:21:06,869 --> 00:21:09,789 Of course, out with it. Tell me. 549 00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:15,419 Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt 550 00:21:15,545 --> 00:21:17,046 last night. 551 00:21:23,511 --> 00:21:27,014 - That would have been crazy. - I know! 552 00:21:27,098 --> 00:21:29,058 Can you imagine? Ugh. 553 00:21:29,183 --> 00:21:34,355 I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye.