1
00:00:02,081 --> 00:00:03,541
Oh! Oh!

2
00:00:07,753 --> 00:00:09,005
Lechaim!

3
00:00:09,338 --> 00:00:10,715
To humping.

4
00:00:11,257 --> 00:00:13,175
I was like a river.

5
00:00:13,259 --> 00:00:15,099
Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you

6
00:00:15,177 --> 00:00:17,138
along with the current of my body?

7
00:00:17,221 --> 00:00:19,140
You were like a canoe on my body river.

8
00:00:20,683 --> 00:00:22,768
Like you'd ever be
seaworthy with those breasts.

9
00:00:22,852 --> 00:00:24,270
Boobies.

10
00:00:24,478 --> 00:00:26,647
I wish there was a word that meant

11
00:00:26,731 --> 00:00:29,734
complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.

12
00:00:29,817 --> 00:00:33,029
I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.

13
00:00:33,863 --> 00:00:35,281
That was the last time.

14
00:00:35,364 --> 00:00:37,241
You said that twice last night.

15
00:00:37,325 --> 00:00:38,326
You'll be back.

16
00:00:38,409 --> 00:00:39,636
I'm like your black tar heroin.

17
00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:42,246
You just need that
sweet taste in your veins.

18
00:00:42,413 --> 00:00:45,374
Schmidttle and the damage done.

19
00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:46,959
Neil Young, yo.

20
00:00:49,629 --> 00:00:52,340
Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.

21
00:00:55,468 --> 00:00:57,094
Schmidt?

22
00:01:00,598 --> 00:01:01,641
Oh,

23
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:04,518
did you have a sexual guest?

24
00:01:04,602 --> 00:01:05,978
What?

25
00:01:06,062 --> 00:01:07,742
Was it the same girl from the other night?

26
00:01:07,772 --> 00:01:09,332
I don't know what you're talking about.

27
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:12,276
It is, oh, my God. You slept with
the same girl twice in a row?

28
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,463
Was it a mistake?
Was she wearing some kind of disguise?

29
00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:18,991
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same
girl twice in a row. I owe you $5.

30
00:01:19,075 --> 00:01:21,744
You know, I thought
I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m.

31
00:01:21,869 --> 00:01:23,788
Those are the sounds of true love.

32
00:01:23,871 --> 00:01:26,040
- Bet she had the time of her life.
- What happened?

33
00:01:26,123 --> 00:01:27,124
Did I miss her?

34
00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:28,417
- You did.
- I love meeting

35
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:29,502
the girls you bring home.

36
00:01:29,585 --> 00:01:30,812
I like to pretend I'm your lover

37
00:01:30,836 --> 00:01:33,381
on the down-low, Theodore K. Mullins.

38
00:01:33,881 --> 00:01:36,384
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

39
00:01:36,467 --> 00:01:37,927
Where we shave each other?

40
00:01:38,511 --> 00:01:41,055
I've always loved you, you're my boo.

41
00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:42,699
Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

42
00:01:42,723 --> 00:01:44,141
So, you gonna three-peat this ho?

43
00:01:44,225 --> 00:01:45,935
Who is this bitch? We want to meet her.

44
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:48,604
I'm not gonna
parade her around like some trophy.

45
00:01:48,688 --> 00:01:50,898
You know me, I'm not that kind of guy.

46
00:01:53,109 --> 00:01:55,069
Schmidt told me this
was the front door.

47
00:01:57,154 --> 00:01:58,966
What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?

48
00:01:58,990 --> 00:02:00,491
- Dwarf parts?
- Lovitz body?

49
00:02:00,575 --> 00:02:03,494
She happens to be
an incredibly beautiful woman.

50
00:02:03,578 --> 00:02:05,305
She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

51
00:02:05,329 --> 00:02:07,290
- How big are her knuckles?
- Butter body?

52
00:02:07,373 --> 00:02:08,958
She has a Hitler mustache.

53
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:13,504
I'm sorry, just,

54
00:02:13,588 --> 00:02:15,482
like, I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.

55
00:02:15,506 --> 00:02:18,009
I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke. I'm sorry.

56
00:02:18,426 --> 00:02:20,887
Hey, girl.

57
00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:23,389
What you doing?

58
00:02:24,098 --> 00:02:26,392
Hey, girl.

59
00:02:26,726 --> 00:02:29,103
Where you going?

60
00:02:29,186 --> 00:02:30,313
Who's that girl?

61
00:02:30,396 --> 00:02:31,772
Who's that girl?

62
00:02:31,856 --> 00:02:33,190
Who's that girl?

63
00:02:33,274 --> 00:02:34,275
Who's that girl?

64
00:02:34,358 --> 00:02:35,568
It's Jess!

65
00:02:41,282 --> 00:02:44,118
Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.

66
00:02:44,201 --> 00:02:46,078
Love the potato battery, Harper.

67
00:02:46,162 --> 00:02:47,496
- Good job.
- Thanks.

68
00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:49,540
Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

69
00:02:49,624 --> 00:02:51,375
Might want to think
about changing the name.

70
00:02:51,459 --> 00:02:52,585
- Okay?
- Okay.

71
00:02:53,294 --> 00:02:54,503
Whoa.

72
00:02:54,587 --> 00:02:56,255
You built a robotic arm.

73
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:57,924
I think we know who's gonna win.

74
00:02:58,007 --> 00:03:00,009
Anyone can still win, Brianna.

75
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,802
Even me, Miss Day?

76
00:03:02,845 --> 00:03:04,055
Yes.

77
00:03:05,264 --> 00:03:07,058
Okay, lunchtime.

78
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:17,526
Can I have lunch in here?

79
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:19,487
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

80
00:03:19,654 --> 00:03:20,738
In the cafeteria,

81
00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:23,324
kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.

82
00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:25,576
They put pennies in my butt crack.

83
00:03:26,994 --> 00:03:28,579
I made 46 cents.

84
00:03:28,663 --> 00:03:30,665
No, no, no, you earned that.

85
00:03:32,542 --> 00:03:35,169
Um, Nathaniel, I'm gonna help you out.

86
00:03:38,714 --> 00:03:40,091
Julia sent me a cactus.

87
00:03:41,509 --> 00:03:42,861
She's on a business trip to China,

88
00:03:42,885 --> 00:03:44,845
and she sent it to me out of the blue.

89
00:03:48,099 --> 00:03:49,642
I'm not an idiot.

90
00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:51,352
She's gonna break up with me.

91
00:03:51,435 --> 00:03:52,645
Who told you that?

92
00:03:53,729 --> 00:03:55,273
Did the cactus tell you that?

93
00:03:55,356 --> 00:03:57,567
Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses…

94
00:03:57,650 --> 00:03:59,944
Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.

95
00:04:00,027 --> 00:04:02,405
She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.

96
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:03,906
Well, you can't.

97
00:04:11,539 --> 00:04:13,958
Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.

98
00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:15,167
She thinks I'm an idiot.

99
00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,627
Why are you watering a cactus?

100
00:04:16,711 --> 00:04:17,753
Because I'm an idiot.

101
00:04:17,837 --> 00:04:19,338
Julia sent him a cactus,

102
00:04:19,422 --> 00:04:21,062
which means
she's gonna break up with him.

103
00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:25,362
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke

104
00:04:25,386 --> 00:04:27,667
because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.

105
00:04:28,306 --> 00:04:29,307
Snap out of it, son.

106
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:30,641
Jess, you don't get it.

107
00:04:30,725 --> 00:04:33,519
This cactus is like a symbol

108
00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:35,187
of my relationship with her.

109
00:04:36,355 --> 00:04:37,356
Oh, my God.

110
00:04:40,484 --> 00:04:42,153
I'm not gonna quit on this.

111
00:04:42,236 --> 00:04:43,571
I'm gonna get her back.

112
00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:47,658
There it is.

113
00:04:47,742 --> 00:04:48,743
Look at that.

114
00:04:48,826 --> 00:04:51,662
Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye,

115
00:04:51,746 --> 00:04:53,164
red eye.

116
00:04:53,247 --> 00:04:54,290
Send.

117
00:04:55,583 --> 00:04:56,626
Hello?

118
00:04:56,709 --> 00:04:58,002
Where are you?

119
00:04:58,085 --> 00:05:00,296
Oh, hey, Cecilia,

120
00:05:00,379 --> 00:05:02,590
did you get my junk mail?

121
00:05:02,757 --> 00:05:04,383
I'm in front of your loft.

122
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:07,303
I know I said that last time
was the last time, but…

123
00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:09,597
You want to come down?

124
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,682
Yeah, I want to come…

125
00:05:11,766 --> 00:05:14,185
Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good. All right.

126
00:05:17,063 --> 00:05:19,232
So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.

127
00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:21,192
I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi.

128
00:05:21,275 --> 00:05:22,777
There's a student of mine,

129
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:24,570
he's been bullied for
the past few months,

130
00:05:24,654 --> 00:05:26,614
so after warning the kids
that there would be

131
00:05:26,697 --> 00:05:28,658
serious repercussions
if this continued,

132
00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:31,535
I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.

133
00:05:32,703 --> 00:05:35,289
Learning minor.

134
00:05:38,626 --> 00:05:42,171
He's a plump bird
who prefers the shelter of a hole.

135
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,509
He has a stubby beak.

136
00:05:46,592 --> 00:05:48,844
And a nervous soul.

137
00:05:50,012 --> 00:05:51,847
Because being chased.

138
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:54,976
By predators takes its toll.

139
00:05:56,018 --> 00:06:00,314
Let the sad sparrow fly on…

140
00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:03,192
You think singing a song about a kid

141
00:06:03,276 --> 00:06:05,653
is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?

142
00:06:05,736 --> 00:06:08,614
I know 12-year-olds
are vicious, vengeful creatures.

143
00:06:08,698 --> 00:06:11,576
Middle-school girls
literally scalp each other.

144
00:06:11,659 --> 00:06:14,245
I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.

145
00:06:14,328 --> 00:06:15,329
What?

146
00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:17,373
But don't tell me
music can't make a difference,

147
00:06:17,456 --> 00:06:18,457
'cause it can.

148
00:06:18,541 --> 00:06:19,741
Those kids were videotaping me

149
00:06:19,792 --> 00:06:20,936
- on their cell phones.
- Right.

150
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,271
I think these kids are gonna really

151
00:06:22,295 --> 00:06:23,462
- remember that.
- Yeah…

152
00:06:23,546 --> 00:06:25,506
- You know, this day.
- What's the song called?

153
00:06:25,590 --> 00:06:29,802
Um, Sad Sparrow. Why?

154
00:06:29,886 --> 00:06:31,262
This is why.

155
00:06:31,345 --> 00:06:34,557
He's not smartest bird or the most pretty.

156
00:06:36,851 --> 00:06:38,019
What?

157
00:06:38,102 --> 00:06:41,188
He spreads disease throughout the city.

158
00:06:41,272 --> 00:06:43,858
Well, at least the bully's
not making fun of that kid anymore.

159
00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:45,443
They're making fun of me.

160
00:06:50,698 --> 00:06:52,259
The hawk just took a little poop on you.

161
00:06:52,283 --> 00:06:53,802
I'm not proud of myself for saying this,

162
00:06:53,826 --> 00:06:55,244
but it's a really funny video.

163
00:06:55,328 --> 00:06:56,787
Sad sparrow fly on…

164
00:06:56,871 --> 00:06:59,749
Look at that, man.

165
00:07:05,254 --> 00:07:07,673
Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and spin?

166
00:07:07,757 --> 00:07:09,860
You just said everybody's
upstairs in the living room.

167
00:07:09,884 --> 00:07:11,195
Okay, fine, what about your place?

168
00:07:11,219 --> 00:07:12,803
My place is not an option right now.

169
00:07:12,887 --> 00:07:14,180
All the models are there.

170
00:07:14,263 --> 00:07:15,806
It's 12 models in two rooms.

171
00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:17,600
It's like a room full of hungry Russians.

172
00:07:17,683 --> 00:07:19,644
Uh, yes, please, let's go there.

173
00:07:19,727 --> 00:07:22,230
What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?

174
00:07:22,313 --> 00:07:23,753
I can't do any of my moves in there.

175
00:07:23,814 --> 00:07:25,733
I like to improvise with my body.

176
00:07:25,816 --> 00:07:27,026
I'm like a sexual snowflake.

177
00:07:27,109 --> 00:07:29,820
Each night with me is
a unique experience, Cece.

178
00:07:29,904 --> 00:07:31,781
Okay, are we gonna do this, or not?

179
00:07:31,864 --> 00:07:34,408
'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?

180
00:07:34,492 --> 00:07:36,470
Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here

181
00:07:36,494 --> 00:07:37,620
or something we could use?

182
00:07:37,703 --> 00:07:39,830
What do I look like, a gypsy courtesan?

183
00:07:39,914 --> 00:07:41,541
So, how hard are you gonna drop

184
00:07:41,624 --> 00:07:43,042
the hammer on the kid who did this?

185
00:07:43,125 --> 00:07:45,878
I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna

186
00:07:45,962 --> 00:07:47,421
open up a dialogue.

187
00:07:47,505 --> 00:07:48,506
Not gonna work.

188
00:07:48,589 --> 00:07:50,109
Take it from me, I used to be a bully.

189
00:07:50,633 --> 00:07:52,385
Ow!

190
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:53,886
Brown lightning!

191
00:07:53,970 --> 00:07:56,097
- Wow, you had a catchphrase?
- Yeah.

192
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:57,580
You got to hit them where it hurts.

193
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,680
Thank you, Winston,
but I have a different approach.

194
00:07:59,892 --> 00:08:00,935
Jerk-sica?

195
00:08:01,811 --> 00:08:03,854
My last name rhymes with "gay,"

196
00:08:03,938 --> 00:08:06,816
and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?

197
00:08:07,149 --> 00:08:08,150
Reason.

198
00:08:10,945 --> 00:08:11,946
Hey, Schmidt.

199
00:08:12,446 --> 00:08:15,157
Oh, there is? Thank you.

200
00:08:15,241 --> 00:08:16,760
He says we should look out the window.

201
00:08:16,784 --> 00:08:18,136
There's a crescent moon out tonight.

202
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,328
Oh, dip, seriously?

203
00:08:26,794 --> 00:08:28,796
Why do we care about a crescent moon?

204
00:08:29,297 --> 00:08:30,798
I don't know.

205
00:08:31,799 --> 00:08:33,926
I'm gonna live up there someday.

206
00:08:36,762 --> 00:08:38,764
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?

207
00:08:38,848 --> 00:08:40,600
Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.

208
00:08:40,683 --> 00:08:42,077
I miss you, I can't wait to see you.

209
00:08:42,101 --> 00:08:43,311
I got the cactus.

210
00:08:43,394 --> 00:08:45,104
Thank you so much.

211
00:08:45,187 --> 00:08:46,647
I'm taking great care of it.

212
00:08:46,772 --> 00:08:48,041
Yeah, things are doing good here.

213
00:08:48,065 --> 00:08:50,026
Everything's really cool, just…

214
00:08:50,860 --> 00:08:53,905
Taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.

215
00:08:53,988 --> 00:08:55,448
So, great, I'll see you Wednesday.

216
00:08:55,531 --> 00:08:56,866
You're the best around.

217
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,118
Nope, that's not gonna be the one.

218
00:08:59,201 --> 00:09:02,288
Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.

219
00:09:02,371 --> 00:09:03,539
Message received.

220
00:09:03,623 --> 00:09:05,208
I'm the cactus.

221
00:09:05,374 --> 00:09:07,877
If you put me in the desert,
I'd grow some needles, too.

222
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,170
You bet I would.

223
00:09:09,253 --> 00:09:10,755
You bet I would.

224
00:09:10,838 --> 00:09:12,548
FYI, I'm not high right now.

225
00:09:12,632 --> 00:09:14,342
Julia!

226
00:09:14,634 --> 00:09:15,676
Julia!

227
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,595
Call me back.

228
00:09:17,678 --> 00:09:19,305
Call me back, Julia.

229
00:09:19,388 --> 00:09:20,932
Julia, it's Nick.

230
00:09:21,015 --> 00:09:23,809
I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.

231
00:09:23,893 --> 00:09:25,093
So, if you get this one first,

232
00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:27,396
could you please just delete
the other ones?

233
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,648
I love you.

234
00:09:28,731 --> 00:09:30,107
What did I just…

235
00:09:32,526 --> 00:09:33,736
I don't hear anyone out there.

236
00:09:33,819 --> 00:09:34,987
I think I'm safe.

237
00:09:35,071 --> 00:09:36,948
And I… I want you to know,

238
00:09:37,031 --> 00:09:38,950
that was the last time, okay?

239
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,076
This is over.

240
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,540
But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.

241
00:09:42,578 --> 00:09:45,581
A little sharp aged cheddar? Mmm-hmm.

242
00:09:45,665 --> 00:09:46,958
Manchego?

243
00:09:47,041 --> 00:09:49,168
Maybe some buttery Gruyere?

244
00:09:49,502 --> 00:09:51,254
You sure you want to miss out?

245
00:09:51,337 --> 00:09:54,882
I just want to slowly
peel the wax off your babybels.

246
00:09:55,299 --> 00:09:58,010
What are you even saying?

247
00:09:58,094 --> 00:09:59,929
How about a little stinky Taleggio?

248
00:10:00,012 --> 00:10:01,806
Why is this working?

249
00:10:01,889 --> 00:10:03,891
I am so turned on right now.

250
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,810
Or maybe some cream cheese?

251
00:10:05,893 --> 00:10:07,270
Want some schmear, Cece?

252
00:10:07,770 --> 00:10:08,813
You know what?

253
00:10:08,896 --> 00:10:09,897
Cece, you should go.

254
00:10:09,981 --> 00:10:13,526
Because if you have
the strength to turn all this down,

255
00:10:14,735 --> 00:10:15,987
do it.

256
00:10:18,072 --> 00:10:19,448
Yeah, I'm good.

257
00:10:23,411 --> 00:10:28,833
Hi. Who do I speak to re: Getting
something removed from the Internet?

258
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,209
Yeah, I can hold.

259
00:10:34,755 --> 00:10:36,007
Want to party with havarti?

260
00:10:36,799 --> 00:10:38,009
Fine.

261
00:10:38,092 --> 00:10:39,677
Give me the damn cheese.

262
00:10:50,438 --> 00:10:54,567
So, Brianna,
I saw the robot arm in the user profile,

263
00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:56,110
so I know you made that video.

264
00:10:56,193 --> 00:10:58,362
So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.

265
00:11:02,241 --> 00:11:04,535
Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.

266
00:11:05,369 --> 00:11:07,330
Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?

267
00:11:08,539 --> 00:11:09,999
Can we talk about you instead?

268
00:11:10,082 --> 00:11:12,084
I'm an open book, ask me anything.

269
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:13,711
How come you don't have a boyfriend?

270
00:11:13,794 --> 00:11:15,796
And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you?

271
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:19,091
And is it true that
your boyfriend before that cheated on you?

272
00:11:19,175 --> 00:11:20,635
Are you barren, Miss Day?

273
00:11:20,718 --> 00:11:22,762
And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?

274
00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:24,472
- It's…
- It's not.

275
00:11:24,555 --> 00:11:26,599
Your happiness seems like a mask.

276
00:11:27,058 --> 00:11:28,184
Well, I better go.

277
00:11:39,737 --> 00:11:41,197
What have I done?

278
00:11:46,244 --> 00:11:48,037
Julia! So glad you're home.

279
00:11:48,496 --> 00:11:49,914
Hey.

280
00:11:49,997 --> 00:11:51,082
Are you okay?

281
00:11:51,165 --> 00:11:52,708
Yes, I'm okay, welcome back.

282
00:11:52,792 --> 00:11:54,645
- Are you sure?
- Did you listen to all the messages?

283
00:11:54,669 --> 00:11:56,170
- I did.
- You did? That sucks.

284
00:11:56,254 --> 00:11:57,814
You know, I really didn't mean anything.

285
00:11:57,838 --> 00:11:58,965
- I know.
- I… I didn't.

286
00:11:59,048 --> 00:12:00,258
Look, I got in my head, Julia.

287
00:12:00,341 --> 00:12:01,926
I thought you sent me this cactus

288
00:12:02,009 --> 00:12:03,594
because you were trying to tell me

289
00:12:03,678 --> 00:12:05,318
that I can't take care of a normal plant.

290
00:12:05,388 --> 00:12:07,932
Which, when I think about it,
I probably can't.

291
00:12:08,015 --> 00:12:09,642
Plants freak me out.

292
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:11,852
I'm way better with babies, actually.

293
00:12:12,186 --> 00:12:14,188
- Hmm.
- Not that I want to have, like,

294
00:12:14,272 --> 00:12:15,648
a baby with you, like, right now.

295
00:12:15,731 --> 00:12:18,001
- If we did, I can see us having babies.
- Please, can we not…

296
00:12:18,025 --> 00:12:19,461
I know, that's not what I mean to say.

297
00:12:19,485 --> 00:12:21,255
- I'm getting weird again.
- No, I need to say…

298
00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:22,947
Julia, please, I overreacted.

299
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:24,282
I think we should break up.

300
00:12:27,118 --> 00:12:28,119
I do.

301
00:12:28,202 --> 00:12:32,164
I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it…

302
00:12:33,082 --> 00:12:36,627
But then after listening to the seven…

303
00:12:37,044 --> 00:12:38,087
Yeah, I know.

304
00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:40,232
- Seven, Nick. Separate voice mails…
- Seven, yeah.

305
00:12:40,256 --> 00:12:42,133
About the meaning behind the cactus,

306
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:46,012
I don't know,
it really just clicked in for me,

307
00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:48,335
and I just, I don't think
that we should do this anymore.

308
00:12:48,389 --> 00:12:49,724
I'm really sorry.

309
00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,901
So I was right about the cactus.

310
00:13:02,028 --> 00:13:04,614
Okay, what kind of
crazy person destroys a child's robot?

311
00:13:04,697 --> 00:13:07,092
Can you bring me, like,
a bunch of Phillips-head screwdrivers

312
00:13:07,116 --> 00:13:11,454
and, like, a crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?

313
00:13:11,579 --> 00:13:12,788
What if I'm busy?

314
00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:17,793
Thank you, Winston. I really needed that.

315
00:13:17,877 --> 00:13:19,212
It's been a really hard week.

316
00:13:19,337 --> 00:13:20,963
Hey, man, I'm going to the beach

317
00:13:21,047 --> 00:13:23,341
to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.

318
00:13:23,424 --> 00:13:24,842
Did you know that about me?

319
00:13:25,259 --> 00:13:27,136
What the hell is wrong with you?

320
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:31,098
Oh, Julia dumped me, so sad face.

321
00:13:32,308 --> 00:13:34,077
Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?

322
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:35,579
'Cause I feel great, I'm ready to rock,

323
00:13:35,603 --> 00:13:37,043
but I really don't want to be alone.

324
00:13:39,065 --> 00:13:40,066
Scissors?

325
00:13:40,149 --> 00:13:42,735
How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?

326
00:13:42,818 --> 00:13:43,945
Those are my good scissors.

327
00:13:44,028 --> 00:13:45,238
Why do you have good scissors?

328
00:13:45,321 --> 00:13:48,407
You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.

329
00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:50,201
Never talks about what goes right.

330
00:13:50,284 --> 00:13:51,285
Evolution.

331
00:13:51,369 --> 00:13:52,638
- You know?
- That's it. Come here.

332
00:13:52,662 --> 00:13:53,871
Yeah, exactly.

333
00:13:53,955 --> 00:13:56,249
I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?

334
00:13:56,332 --> 00:13:58,751
Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch The Piano later?

335
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,046
Here?

336
00:14:02,129 --> 00:14:03,923
You want to do it here?

337
00:14:04,006 --> 00:14:06,133
Okay… All right. What's the scenario?

338
00:14:06,217 --> 00:14:08,553
We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers

339
00:14:08,636 --> 00:14:10,179
meeting in the bathroom.

340
00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:12,223
You want me on the can, off the can?

341
00:14:12,306 --> 00:14:13,558
No, I just, I just need to

342
00:14:13,641 --> 00:14:15,160
pop in this party for, like, 20 minutes.

343
00:14:15,184 --> 00:14:16,453
When I come back, we'll have sex.

344
00:14:16,477 --> 00:14:17,770
Okay, yeah, let's do it.

345
00:14:17,853 --> 00:14:19,730
Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.

346
00:14:19,814 --> 00:14:21,899
Well, what am I supposed to do?

347
00:14:21,983 --> 00:14:23,043
I'll crack a window for you.

348
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:25,069
Crack a window for me?

349
00:14:25,152 --> 00:14:26,654
- Yeah.
- What am I, your sex dog?

350
00:14:26,737 --> 00:14:28,531
What… What if I have
to go to the bathroom?

351
00:14:28,614 --> 00:14:30,241
Why don't you just give me a chew toy?

352
00:14:30,324 --> 00:14:32,702
Come on, Schmidt,
stop being such a big baby.

353
00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:35,454
Oh, my… Are you ashamed of me?

354
00:14:35,538 --> 00:14:37,164
Yes. Absolutely.

355
00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:40,042
100%. I'm 100% ashamed of you.

356
00:14:40,126 --> 00:14:42,295
What… What a revelation.

357
00:14:42,378 --> 00:14:44,881
Okay, come on, Schmidt,
I can't be the first woman

358
00:14:44,964 --> 00:14:46,507
who's ashamed to be with you.

359
00:14:47,842 --> 00:14:50,177
Okay, look, I won't go into your party

360
00:14:50,636 --> 00:14:51,762
if…

361
00:14:52,138 --> 00:14:54,348
If you go to breakfast with me tomorrow.

362
00:14:54,432 --> 00:14:55,975
In public.

363
00:14:57,059 --> 00:14:58,102
Yeah, okay.

364
00:14:58,269 --> 00:14:59,270
Oh, really?

365
00:14:59,353 --> 00:15:00,354
Really.

366
00:15:00,438 --> 00:15:02,106
I mean, I can survive breakfast.

367
00:15:03,983 --> 00:15:05,192
I'll be back soon.

368
00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:08,863
Hey, Wendy. How's it going?

369
00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:24,170
I hope it works.

370
00:15:24,253 --> 00:15:26,214
I didn't get a chance to test it.

371
00:15:26,297 --> 00:15:28,424
Even broken,
it's still got a shot at top prize.

372
00:15:28,507 --> 00:15:30,027
I mean, have you seen some of this crap?

373
00:15:30,051 --> 00:15:31,928
"What can old people do?"

374
00:15:32,011 --> 00:15:34,138
"Does it taste better with hot sauce?"

375
00:15:34,222 --> 00:15:35,264
My friends.

376
00:15:35,348 --> 00:15:36,682
Guess what I just learned.

377
00:15:36,766 --> 00:15:38,017
What's inside of a pumpkin.

378
00:15:38,935 --> 00:15:40,228
Apparently, a lot.

379
00:15:40,311 --> 00:15:41,312
I didn't know.

380
00:15:42,563 --> 00:15:44,190
Whoa!

381
00:15:44,774 --> 00:15:46,414
Winston, you have to get him out of here.

382
00:15:46,484 --> 00:15:47,764
You see him, he's about to blow.

383
00:15:47,818 --> 00:15:49,445
I'm not having him by himself right now.

384
00:15:49,528 --> 00:15:51,113
There's Brianna.

385
00:15:53,491 --> 00:15:55,117
Hi, Brianna.

386
00:15:55,201 --> 00:15:57,245
You must be Brianna's moms.

387
00:15:57,328 --> 00:15:58,371
I'm Miss Day.

388
00:15:58,579 --> 00:16:01,249
- Right. The singer.
- You're the one who sings.

389
00:16:01,332 --> 00:16:03,834
This is Brianna's project, a robotic arm.

390
00:16:04,252 --> 00:16:05,461
Start it up, Brianna.

391
00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:14,345
And a project bursts into flames.

392
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:16,722
Brianna, what happened?

393
00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:18,766
Someone must have sabotaged it.

394
00:16:20,351 --> 00:16:21,477
Bet it was Nathaniel.

395
00:16:22,728 --> 00:16:24,689
Hey! Get my scissors out of your mouth!

396
00:16:25,189 --> 00:16:26,899
What is wrong with you?

397
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:29,378
He's been creating problems
for our daughter.

398
00:16:29,402 --> 00:16:30,587
What are you gonna do about it?

399
00:16:30,611 --> 00:16:31,737
Nathaniel, come over here.

400
00:16:32,238 --> 00:16:34,949
Um, actually, uh…

401
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,326
This is my fault.

402
00:16:37,618 --> 00:16:39,620
I sabotaged the science project.

403
00:16:40,371 --> 00:16:41,747
- You did what?
- What?

404
00:16:41,831 --> 00:16:43,457
And it was totally unprofessional.

405
00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:45,334
And I'm sorry,

406
00:16:45,543 --> 00:16:48,629
but your daughter is… How do I put this?

407
00:16:49,547 --> 00:16:51,132
Brianna is difficult.

408
00:16:51,215 --> 00:16:53,593
Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.

409
00:16:53,718 --> 00:16:55,970
You daughter sucks.
Okay, she is a demon seed,

410
00:16:56,053 --> 00:16:57,305
she is the spawn of Satan.

411
00:16:57,388 --> 00:16:59,515
And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race

412
00:16:59,599 --> 00:17:03,477
when I say that people
like her should not be building robots.

413
00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,021
Who are you?

414
00:17:05,104 --> 00:17:06,439
Brown lightning.

415
00:17:07,273 --> 00:17:08,608
I want her disciplined.

416
00:17:08,691 --> 00:17:10,484
No! No!

417
00:17:10,902 --> 00:17:12,320
- Wonderful.
- Hey, no.

418
00:17:12,403 --> 00:17:13,613
No.

419
00:17:13,696 --> 00:17:17,450
Why can't we all just
love each other, right?

420
00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:19,744
What are you doing?

421
00:17:19,827 --> 00:17:22,038
Want a science project?

422
00:17:22,121 --> 00:17:25,124
How about this as a science project?
Love is a myth.

423
00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:28,628
Why is this earth
so big and I am so small?

424
00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:32,256
So, yay, earth.

425
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:35,134
Be optimistic? Learn?

426
00:17:35,218 --> 00:17:36,719
We're all gonna die alone, so…

427
00:17:42,308 --> 00:17:43,684
My office, 9:00 a.m.

428
00:17:43,768 --> 00:17:45,519
I was right about the cactus.

429
00:17:52,652 --> 00:17:56,405
I assure you,
I'll be watching Miss Day very closely.

430
00:17:58,282 --> 00:17:59,283
Thank you.

431
00:17:59,575 --> 00:18:00,618
Hi.

432
00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:04,580
I am so sorry, Tanya.

433
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:06,374
Don't be.

434
00:18:06,457 --> 00:18:07,542
I love it!

435
00:18:07,625 --> 00:18:10,211
Jess, you're a real teacher now.

436
00:18:10,461 --> 00:18:12,296
- What?
- You're a kid-hater.

437
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:13,589
You're one of us.

438
00:18:13,673 --> 00:18:15,967
Come here. Welcome.

439
00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:18,469
I'm… I'm not a kid-hater.

440
00:18:20,555 --> 00:18:21,639
That's right.

441
00:18:22,473 --> 00:18:23,975
None of us are.

442
00:18:26,561 --> 00:18:27,603
Hey, Brianna.

443
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:29,480
Can I speak to you?

444
00:18:30,815 --> 00:18:32,358
- Hmm?
- Look,

445
00:18:32,441 --> 00:18:34,443
I know I'm not your favorite teacher.

446
00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:35,861
You don't like my style.

447
00:18:35,945 --> 00:18:37,113
That's fine.

448
00:18:37,655 --> 00:18:39,365
But I'm not gonna change who I am,

449
00:18:39,448 --> 00:18:41,117
so you're just gonna have to deal with it

450
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:42,535
and respect it.

451
00:18:42,785 --> 00:18:44,495
Also, you're gonna take this paper,

452
00:18:44,787 --> 00:18:46,497
and you're gonna sing a duet with me.

453
00:18:46,998 --> 00:18:47,999
What?

454
00:18:48,082 --> 00:18:50,001
Oh, yeah. Everybody, settle down.

455
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:53,421
- Camera phones are encouraged.
- No.

456
00:18:53,504 --> 00:18:55,256
One, two, three, four.

457
00:18:56,424 --> 00:18:57,704
You really don't want to be seen

458
00:18:57,758 --> 00:18:59,594
having breakfast with me, do you?

459
00:18:59,677 --> 00:19:00,970
Are we even still in LA?

460
00:19:01,137 --> 00:19:03,931
Schmidt, you and I are not together.

461
00:19:04,015 --> 00:19:06,183
We're not in a relationship.

462
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:08,519
- We're just having sex.
- And I love it.

463
00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:11,522
And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.

464
00:19:14,775 --> 00:19:18,529
Look, guys are always just showing me off,

465
00:19:18,613 --> 00:19:20,323
and I hate it.

466
00:19:20,573 --> 00:19:24,243
Look, I… I want to tell people

467
00:19:24,327 --> 00:19:28,289
because I think that you are the dopest,

468
00:19:28,414 --> 00:19:29,665
flyest,

469
00:19:31,709 --> 00:19:35,504
smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest,

470
00:19:35,588 --> 00:19:37,548
truly terrifying woman

471
00:19:38,299 --> 00:19:42,053
that I have
sexually enjoyed in a really long time.

472
00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:49,644
Do you want to tell the waitress?

473
00:19:49,727 --> 00:19:51,520
Uh, if I could have everyone's attention.

474
00:19:51,604 --> 00:19:53,189
Real quick, if you could, uh…

475
00:19:53,272 --> 00:19:55,900
Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever… Whatever…

476
00:19:55,983 --> 00:19:57,944
Whatever that thing is. Okay, great.

477
00:19:58,444 --> 00:20:02,198
I am having sex
with this woman right here.

478
00:20:02,281 --> 00:20:03,282
You want to stand up?

479
00:20:03,366 --> 00:20:05,286
- No.
- Okay, you don't want to do it? All right.

480
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:08,079
I'm enjoying myself immensely.

481
00:20:08,162 --> 00:20:11,082
Uh, it's, you know,
a physical thing, but I am definitely,

482
00:20:11,165 --> 00:20:13,543
for real having sex

483
00:20:13,626 --> 00:20:16,754
with this girl right here, to completion.

484
00:20:21,759 --> 00:20:23,177
Parkour!

485
00:20:23,261 --> 00:20:24,303
Hit it!

486
00:20:24,470 --> 00:20:25,763
Down! Hit it!

487
00:20:26,138 --> 00:20:27,515
Down! Hit it!

488
00:20:28,683 --> 00:20:30,059
Yeah.

489
00:20:34,272 --> 00:20:35,481
Hey.

490
00:20:38,651 --> 00:20:40,528
I got you a real plant.

491
00:20:40,611 --> 00:20:42,989
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess,
I'll just kill it.

492
00:20:43,281 --> 00:20:44,407
I know.

493
00:20:44,949 --> 00:20:46,534
You're a plant killer.

494
00:20:46,617 --> 00:20:48,578
And I write songs.

495
00:20:48,661 --> 00:20:50,413
We're weirdos.

496
00:20:50,496 --> 00:20:52,331
But that's who we are.

497
00:20:52,415 --> 00:20:53,749
And that's fine.

498
00:20:54,166 --> 00:20:55,710
And you have a giant cactus needle

499
00:20:55,793 --> 00:20:57,128
sticking out of your face.

500
00:20:57,753 --> 00:20:59,380
What? Where is it?

501
00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:02,383
Can you get it out? Get it out. Ow.

502
00:21:02,592 --> 00:21:05,887
So it's time we all make a change.

503
00:21:05,970 --> 00:21:08,806
Find somewhere else for our loose change.

504
00:21:08,890 --> 00:21:11,642
The song is called
Let Me Lift You UpWith My Robot Arm?

505
00:21:11,726 --> 00:21:13,811
- Yeah.
- It's catchy.

506
00:21:13,895 --> 00:21:15,935
The title is flawed,
there's no question about that.

507
00:21:16,063 --> 00:21:18,858
But you are kicking ass with the comments.

508
00:21:19,191 --> 00:21:20,192
Look at this.

509
00:21:20,276 --> 00:21:22,028
"This teacher is muy caliente."

510
00:21:22,194 --> 00:21:24,697
- Hot, hot, hot.
- "I'd like to grade her on a curve."

511
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:25,948
Yep.

512
00:21:26,032 --> 00:21:27,700
"Finally, entertainment that doesn't"

513
00:21:27,783 --> 00:21:29,493
"resort to salty language."

514
00:21:29,577 --> 00:21:30,661
Finally.

515
00:21:31,454 --> 00:21:33,372
Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?

516
00:21:33,456 --> 00:21:34,540
Yes. Yes, they are.

517
00:21:34,874 --> 00:21:36,042
My robot arm.

518
00:21:37,627 --> 00:21:39,253
My robot arm