1 00:00:02,765 --> 00:00:05,309 Here? You're dropping me off here? 2 00:00:05,601 --> 00:00:08,437 Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:09,730 Look at the size of that guy. 4 00:00:09,813 --> 00:00:11,440 He's clearly new homeless. 5 00:00:11,523 --> 00:00:13,609 We're a mile away from the loft, Cece. 6 00:00:13,692 --> 00:00:14,985 I'm not getting caught with you. 7 00:00:15,069 --> 00:00:16,862 I'm gonna have to run all the way home. 8 00:00:16,946 --> 00:00:18,447 And I have my slippiest loafers on. 9 00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:20,050 If I were you, I'd get walking right now. 10 00:00:20,074 --> 00:00:21,593 You're never gonna get home before dawn. 11 00:00:21,617 --> 00:00:23,285 Okay, look, I'm fine with you 12 00:00:23,369 --> 00:00:24,471 not telling anybody about us, 13 00:00:24,495 --> 00:00:27,998 but you cannot just call me at any time 14 00:00:28,082 --> 00:00:29,917 and just summon me for intercourse. 15 00:00:30,125 --> 00:00:31,543 I have no control here, 16 00:00:31,627 --> 00:00:34,505 and I'm stressed out all day long. 17 00:00:34,588 --> 00:00:38,342 It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga. 18 00:00:38,425 --> 00:00:39,760 I'm totally falling apart. 19 00:00:39,843 --> 00:00:41,428 Okay, Schmidt, you… 20 00:00:41,512 --> 00:00:44,390 You really need to learn to take a breath 21 00:00:44,473 --> 00:00:46,183 and calm down, all right? 22 00:00:46,558 --> 00:00:48,727 We're just being a little spontaneous. 23 00:00:48,811 --> 00:00:51,397 Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt. 24 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,608 "Spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." 25 00:00:54,692 --> 00:00:56,586 - I'm like a Marine. - You're nothing like a Marine. 26 00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:58,505 I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? 27 00:00:58,529 --> 00:01:00,155 Fine. I'm… I'm out of here. 28 00:01:01,156 --> 00:01:03,242 Take these, and take care of them. 29 00:01:03,325 --> 00:01:04,702 I can get a tetanus shot, 30 00:01:04,785 --> 00:01:06,537 but I can't cure damaged suede. 31 00:01:10,791 --> 00:01:12,626 Can you believe I found this on the street? 32 00:01:12,710 --> 00:01:14,086 Who would want to throw this away? 33 00:01:14,169 --> 00:01:16,422 A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? 34 00:01:16,505 --> 00:01:19,258 Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. 35 00:01:19,341 --> 00:01:21,218 It's the wood of poor people and outhouses. 36 00:01:21,302 --> 00:01:23,262 I pay rent, so I think 37 00:01:23,345 --> 00:01:24,990 that gives me the right to add a few things. 38 00:01:25,014 --> 00:01:27,891 Jess… You're wrong. 39 00:01:28,559 --> 00:01:30,477 Okay? My answer's no. 40 00:01:30,561 --> 00:01:32,521 Well, my answer is yes. 41 00:01:32,605 --> 00:01:34,857 - I'm keeping the hutch. - I had a bad night. 42 00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:37,192 I'm really, I'm just asking you, please don't push me. 43 00:01:37,276 --> 00:01:39,713 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. 44 00:01:39,737 --> 00:01:41,572 - You would not dare. - Try me. 45 00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:43,490 That was the worst four weeks of my life. 46 00:01:44,283 --> 00:01:46,910 Hey, girl. 47 00:01:46,994 --> 00:01:49,663 What you doing? 48 00:01:49,747 --> 00:01:52,291 Hey, girl. 49 00:01:52,374 --> 00:01:54,460 Where you going? 50 00:01:54,543 --> 00:01:55,753 Who's that girl? 51 00:01:55,836 --> 00:01:57,212 Who's that girl? 52 00:01:57,296 --> 00:01:58,547 Who's that girl? 53 00:01:58,631 --> 00:01:59,632 Who's that girl? 54 00:01:59,715 --> 00:02:00,716 It's Jess! 55 00:02:07,348 --> 00:02:09,600 Hey, Winston, why are you still drinking? 56 00:02:09,683 --> 00:02:11,310 It is 10:00 in the morning, man. 57 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,646 Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, 58 00:02:13,771 --> 00:02:17,232 so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever. 59 00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:19,485 Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? 60 00:02:20,986 --> 00:02:21,987 Moving on. 61 00:02:22,529 --> 00:02:24,365 So, last night's poker game. 62 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,616 Got pretty intense. 63 00:02:25,699 --> 00:02:27,135 I don't know what you're talking about. 64 00:02:27,159 --> 00:02:28,410 I was so hammered last night. 65 00:02:28,494 --> 00:02:30,329 I've never been more sober in my whole life. 66 00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:32,289 I'll remember this as long as I live. 67 00:02:32,373 --> 00:02:34,667 I'm all in. Uno, bitches. 68 00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:36,502 Read 'em and weep. 69 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,963 - Straight flush. - Aw! 70 00:02:39,046 --> 00:02:40,506 So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks? 71 00:02:40,589 --> 00:02:41,632 - Twenty bucks? - Yeah. 72 00:02:41,799 --> 00:02:43,592 You owe me $487. 73 00:02:44,510 --> 00:02:45,844 Come on, Winston! 74 00:02:45,928 --> 00:02:48,555 Schmidt makes me so mad! 75 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,099 I want to put one thing, 76 00:02:50,182 --> 00:02:51,767 one thing in the living room, 77 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:52,851 and he won't let me. 78 00:02:52,935 --> 00:02:54,436 I'm not putting up with this. 79 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:55,521 Oh, yes, you are. 80 00:02:55,604 --> 00:02:57,189 We live in a fragile ecosystem. 81 00:02:57,314 --> 00:02:58,524 It's a delicate balance. 82 00:02:58,607 --> 00:02:59,942 It's a broken ecosystem, 83 00:03:00,025 --> 00:03:01,694 dominated by an apex predator. 84 00:03:01,777 --> 00:03:04,321 Chill out, Jess. We let him run the house, no big deal. 85 00:03:04,405 --> 00:03:06,907 The boy cooks and cleans, and happily, I might add. 86 00:03:06,991 --> 00:03:08,551 Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 87 00:03:08,575 --> 00:03:10,828 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us. 88 00:03:10,911 --> 00:03:12,496 I know he's been bad lately, 89 00:03:12,621 --> 00:03:13,747 but Schmidt's an odd bird. 90 00:03:13,914 --> 00:03:15,541 He can't handle it when things 91 00:03:15,624 --> 00:03:16,875 aren't clean and orderly. 92 00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:19,003 It's been that way since the day he moved in. 93 00:03:19,461 --> 00:03:21,547 Welcome to your new home, Schmidt. 94 00:03:22,089 --> 00:03:23,674 Come on, play ball. 95 00:03:27,886 --> 00:03:28,929 Coming home! 96 00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:37,271 Well, I'm fed up with it. 97 00:03:37,354 --> 00:03:39,648 And he's got to learn how to relax. 98 00:03:39,732 --> 00:03:41,275 And, Nick, why do you have 99 00:03:41,358 --> 00:03:42,860 cannons drawn all over your back? 100 00:03:42,985 --> 00:03:44,045 Those aren't cannons, Jess. 101 00:03:44,069 --> 00:03:45,070 Long-stem mushrooms? 102 00:03:45,154 --> 00:03:46,697 - Nope. - Oh, so that's 103 00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:49,116 - not a mossy cave. - Mmm-mmm. 104 00:03:49,199 --> 00:03:50,743 - Mmm, no. - Probably not. 105 00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:00,711 What the… 106 00:04:00,794 --> 00:04:02,796 What is happening? 107 00:04:02,921 --> 00:04:04,590 I can't take this right now. 108 00:04:04,757 --> 00:04:06,425 What, do we live in a pawnshop? 109 00:04:08,093 --> 00:04:10,679 - Hey, Schmidt. - Hey, Jess. What, uh… 110 00:04:10,763 --> 00:04:12,222 Where did all this come from? 111 00:04:12,306 --> 00:04:13,933 I found the afghan underneath a dumpster 112 00:04:14,016 --> 00:04:15,392 outside an animal shelter. 113 00:04:15,476 --> 00:04:17,811 And I found the lamp underneath the afghan. 114 00:04:18,228 --> 00:04:20,022 I'm gonna assume that these are your spices 115 00:04:20,105 --> 00:04:21,541 - jammed in here with my spices. - Yep. 116 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,668 I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla 117 00:04:23,692 --> 00:04:25,611 was not touching my Tahitian vanilla. 118 00:04:25,694 --> 00:04:27,738 Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. 119 00:04:27,863 --> 00:04:29,907 What's it like living in the most populous isle 120 00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:31,408 in French Polynesia? 121 00:04:31,492 --> 00:04:34,244 I could tell you, or I could show you. 122 00:04:34,328 --> 00:04:36,163 Not in front of the cloves. 123 00:04:36,246 --> 00:04:37,432 Where's my burr coffee grinder? 124 00:04:37,456 --> 00:04:39,249 You know, I think it's in the hutch. 125 00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:40,876 You put it in the hutch? 126 00:04:41,335 --> 00:04:43,629 The… Ah, this thing was on the street. 127 00:04:43,712 --> 00:04:45,589 It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. 128 00:04:45,673 --> 00:04:47,007 I think it'll be okay. 129 00:04:47,091 --> 00:04:49,969 A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. 130 00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,696 You know what that means? It means it doesn't 131 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,973 smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. 132 00:04:54,056 --> 00:04:56,183 It actually grinds them, 133 00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:58,978 for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile! 134 00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,772 Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly 135 00:05:01,855 --> 00:05:03,232 to make homemade crayons. 136 00:05:03,315 --> 00:05:05,776 Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt? 137 00:05:06,527 --> 00:05:07,695 Uh, yeah, that's fine. 138 00:05:09,029 --> 00:05:10,507 If you're looking for your oven mitts, 139 00:05:10,531 --> 00:05:12,091 they're in the top drawer of the hutch. 140 00:05:12,116 --> 00:05:13,742 Oh. Okay, fair enough. 141 00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,745 - Hutch is gone. No, no, no. - No. No! 142 00:05:16,829 --> 00:05:18,580 - No hutch. - No, no! 143 00:05:18,664 --> 00:05:20,308 - Stop! Don't move the hutch. - Bye-bye, hutch! 144 00:05:20,332 --> 00:05:21,893 This thing makes me emotionally nauseous! 145 00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,377 This is my hutch. Don't move it! 146 00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:24,795 All right, you're right… 147 00:05:24,878 --> 00:05:26,005 I'm so sorry. You're right. 148 00:05:26,088 --> 00:05:27,464 It's a beautiful piece. 149 00:05:27,548 --> 00:05:28,757 It looks great there. 150 00:05:30,301 --> 00:05:31,802 My apologies. 151 00:05:31,885 --> 00:05:32,928 Thank you. 152 00:05:40,769 --> 00:05:41,854 Oops. 153 00:05:50,446 --> 00:05:52,448 Schmidt, you have a real problem. 154 00:05:53,490 --> 00:05:55,743 You've got to learn to calm down. 155 00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:57,870 Yeah, yeah. 156 00:06:02,166 --> 00:06:03,751 I love the beach. 157 00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:05,794 Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch? 158 00:06:05,836 --> 00:06:09,381 Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. 159 00:06:09,465 --> 00:06:11,800 Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here. 160 00:06:12,009 --> 00:06:14,470 This is a great place to talk about your problems. 161 00:06:14,553 --> 00:06:16,764 Jess, this sucks, I just want to go home. 162 00:06:16,847 --> 00:06:18,057 Schmidt, come here. 163 00:06:18,849 --> 00:06:21,894 Look. You got the birds in the sky. 164 00:06:24,396 --> 00:06:25,731 Sea and sand. 165 00:06:26,148 --> 00:06:27,691 The wind in our hair. 166 00:06:28,984 --> 00:06:30,986 You've lost your kite! 167 00:06:31,528 --> 00:06:33,781 Have fun flying your string all day! 168 00:06:34,031 --> 00:06:35,699 Sorry I forgot my wallet. 169 00:06:35,783 --> 00:06:37,284 Thank you for paying, it's delicious. 170 00:06:37,618 --> 00:06:39,721 Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, 171 00:06:39,745 --> 00:06:41,181 "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet." 172 00:06:41,205 --> 00:06:42,933 - And I still forgot it. - You still forget it. 173 00:06:42,957 --> 00:06:44,976 - You said that. We're getting older. - I said that. 174 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,418 Okay, this is a good segue. 175 00:06:46,502 --> 00:06:49,630 Um… Can I talk to you 176 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,340 about something that's kind of tough? 177 00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:53,759 Yeah, man, shoot. 178 00:06:53,926 --> 00:06:57,221 "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. 179 00:06:57,304 --> 00:06:58,931 - "I feel that…" - Oh, man! 180 00:06:59,014 --> 00:07:00,933 I thought this was about something serious. 181 00:07:01,016 --> 00:07:03,036 You set that up like it was about something different. 182 00:07:03,060 --> 00:07:04,270 This is about the poker? 183 00:07:04,353 --> 00:07:06,855 Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax. 184 00:07:10,609 --> 00:07:12,778 "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume" 185 00:07:12,861 --> 00:07:14,154 "you have told me to relax." 186 00:07:14,238 --> 00:07:16,740 - You wrote that? - "Let me assure you I am very relaxed, 187 00:07:16,824 --> 00:07:18,784 "although I have good reason not to be," 188 00:07:18,867 --> 00:07:20,703 "as you owe me a very large sum." 189 00:07:20,786 --> 00:07:22,871 I will pay you the money, you clown. 190 00:07:22,955 --> 00:07:24,498 "I am aware we're both broke," 191 00:07:24,581 --> 00:07:27,751 "one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick." 192 00:07:27,835 --> 00:07:30,021 "I have recently tumbled down the socio-economic ladder" 193 00:07:30,045 --> 00:07:31,171 "and have hit rock bottom," 194 00:07:31,255 --> 00:07:33,055 "where you, Nick Miller, have been waiting…" 195 00:07:33,090 --> 00:07:35,259 - Thank you. - "…patiently for the past 15 years." 196 00:07:35,342 --> 00:07:36,844 "But I want that money." 197 00:07:36,927 --> 00:07:38,804 "Give me my money. I really mean it." 198 00:07:39,138 --> 00:07:41,307 "It's my money. You owe me that money," 199 00:07:41,390 --> 00:07:43,517 "so give me my money. Seriously." 200 00:07:43,601 --> 00:07:45,287 - Are you finished? - "Where's the money, dude?" 201 00:07:45,311 --> 00:07:47,646 - You wrote "dude"? - "But I am not without pity. 202 00:07:47,730 --> 00:07:50,190 "I am willing to just call it an even $200." 203 00:07:51,942 --> 00:07:53,777 Everything let go with just $200? 204 00:07:53,861 --> 00:07:56,780 - Right. - All right, I can do $200. 205 00:07:57,448 --> 00:07:59,575 - $200? Two hundo clean? - Yep. 206 00:07:59,658 --> 00:08:00,659 All right. 207 00:08:06,749 --> 00:08:08,792 I did pay for gas here, though. 208 00:08:08,876 --> 00:08:10,461 So that's, let's say, 10 bucks. 209 00:08:11,253 --> 00:08:12,254 So we're at $190. 210 00:08:12,338 --> 00:08:14,256 We'll say clean $190. 211 00:08:14,923 --> 00:08:16,592 I hate to be this guy, 212 00:08:17,176 --> 00:08:18,761 but I got the fights on Friday, 213 00:08:18,844 --> 00:08:20,888 so that's $30. So let's call it $160 214 00:08:20,971 --> 00:08:22,181 and be done with it. 215 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,000 Twenty dollars for beer that night, 216 00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:27,728 so $160 takes us to $140. 217 00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:29,647 Just to be fair. And I didn't write 218 00:08:29,730 --> 00:08:31,065 a stupid letter about it. 219 00:08:31,148 --> 00:08:32,608 But let's say right now $140. 220 00:08:32,691 --> 00:08:34,693 You ate a lot of the nachos! 221 00:08:36,153 --> 00:08:39,114 Littering! $15 for littering! 222 00:08:39,573 --> 00:08:41,992 What a way to live… 223 00:08:42,076 --> 00:08:43,369 How fun is this! 224 00:08:44,870 --> 00:08:46,288 It's not my cup of tea. 225 00:08:47,081 --> 00:08:48,958 Don't you know that life. 226 00:08:49,041 --> 00:08:52,586 Don't wait for death? 227 00:08:54,254 --> 00:08:55,714 Choo-choo. 228 00:08:57,925 --> 00:08:59,009 No! 229 00:08:59,093 --> 00:09:00,761 No! No, Jess, no! 230 00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:03,347 I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, 231 00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:05,391 you are legitimately crazy. 232 00:09:05,474 --> 00:09:07,744 I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess? 233 00:09:07,768 --> 00:09:11,063 No, I mean, you're like aging-ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, 234 00:09:11,146 --> 00:09:13,065 professional-magician crazy. 235 00:09:13,148 --> 00:09:16,360 It's my mom's fault. You know, I come from a Jewish family, 236 00:09:16,443 --> 00:09:18,964 but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house 237 00:09:18,988 --> 00:09:20,489 was because my room was dirty. 238 00:09:20,656 --> 00:09:22,536 The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. 239 00:09:22,616 --> 00:09:24,970 - That's why I got fat. - Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat 240 00:09:24,994 --> 00:09:28,497 Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork. 241 00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:30,141 It's because you didn't have any structure. 242 00:09:30,165 --> 00:09:32,042 You know what I mean? That's what happens 243 00:09:32,126 --> 00:09:33,627 when you don't have any rules. 244 00:09:33,752 --> 00:09:36,797 None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. 245 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,275 He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms. 246 00:09:38,299 --> 00:09:40,968 Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? 247 00:09:41,051 --> 00:09:43,929 I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. 248 00:09:44,138 --> 00:09:46,432 I don't understand how these people think they're relaxed, 249 00:09:46,515 --> 00:09:48,475 because they're not. They just have nothing to do. 250 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,103 That's not me. It's not that easy for me. 251 00:09:51,228 --> 00:09:53,397 Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. 252 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,399 Just be spontaneous. 253 00:10:28,432 --> 00:10:29,475 Hey, Nick. 254 00:10:30,059 --> 00:10:31,745 I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly 255 00:10:31,769 --> 00:10:33,812 sitting here working hard making lots of money. 256 00:10:33,896 --> 00:10:35,856 - All right. - But if you'd kindly just pause that 257 00:10:35,898 --> 00:10:38,338 for one second, I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. 258 00:10:38,901 --> 00:10:40,319 Account number one, 259 00:10:40,402 --> 00:10:42,947 a $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. 260 00:10:43,364 --> 00:10:45,044 - Bam. Here we go. - We're doing this, huh? 261 00:10:45,074 --> 00:10:46,533 - Yeah, we are doing this. - Great. 262 00:10:46,617 --> 00:10:47,785 Item number two… 263 00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:51,580 Canceled $35 check for registration of a domain name, 264 00:10:52,122 --> 00:10:53,707 "It's NickMillerTime.com." 265 00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:55,709 "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man." 266 00:10:55,793 --> 00:10:57,103 "I'm gonna be a big-time blogger." 267 00:10:57,127 --> 00:10:58,629 - I have to go to work. - Uh-huh. 268 00:10:58,712 --> 00:11:01,090 At a bar, where you drink for free. 269 00:11:01,173 --> 00:11:02,216 Wow. 270 00:11:02,299 --> 00:11:04,969 How much does 400 Cognac and colas add up to, Winston? 271 00:11:05,052 --> 00:11:06,363 - You want to go there? Okay. - Sure. 272 00:11:06,387 --> 00:11:07,614 How about the times I sat around 273 00:11:07,638 --> 00:11:09,056 listening to you bitch and moan 274 00:11:09,139 --> 00:11:11,350 about how Caroline broke your precious little heart? 275 00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:13,477 - Okay, in eighth grade… - Eighth grade. 276 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,939 - You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. - Mmm-hmm. 277 00:11:17,022 --> 00:11:19,858 Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. 278 00:11:19,942 --> 00:11:20,943 Okay? 279 00:11:21,026 --> 00:11:22,586 So how much is that, in terms of money? 280 00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:24,005 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. 281 00:11:24,029 --> 00:11:26,299 - And I would say $4,000 to $5,000. - Hey, guys. Hey, guys. 282 00:11:26,323 --> 00:11:29,177 Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade, in terms of money… 283 00:11:29,201 --> 00:11:31,578 I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks. 284 00:11:31,704 --> 00:11:32,830 Mmm, he did it. 285 00:11:32,955 --> 00:11:34,123 - I did it. - He let go. 286 00:11:39,211 --> 00:11:41,005 He washed his hands in a public restroom. 287 00:11:41,088 --> 00:11:42,715 And there was a man in there. 288 00:11:42,798 --> 00:11:45,175 And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. 289 00:11:45,259 --> 00:11:47,636 And I didn't break eye contact. Not once. 290 00:11:47,761 --> 00:11:49,847 That's not letting go, that's cruising. 291 00:11:51,390 --> 00:11:52,474 Hey, Schmidt. 292 00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:55,144 - There's a spill. - I know. 293 00:11:55,311 --> 00:11:57,187 Do your exercise. You know. 294 00:11:57,271 --> 00:11:58,897 Yeah, okay, the exercise. 295 00:12:00,608 --> 00:12:04,987 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 296 00:12:07,573 --> 00:12:08,866 I feel great. 297 00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:10,802 I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, 298 00:12:10,826 --> 00:12:12,077 like a common ranch hand. 299 00:12:12,870 --> 00:12:16,415 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on? 300 00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:18,292 You messed with the ecosystem. 301 00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:20,002 And you guys said it couldn't be done. 302 00:12:20,085 --> 00:12:21,962 You have no idea what you're getting into. 303 00:12:22,046 --> 00:12:23,088 You're welcome. 304 00:12:28,510 --> 00:12:30,346 Schmidt, you're killing me with that drumming! 305 00:12:30,429 --> 00:12:32,139 You're killing me! 306 00:12:32,264 --> 00:12:34,642 Look at this mess. How did this happen? 307 00:12:34,725 --> 00:12:36,060 So, this is your fault. 308 00:12:36,143 --> 00:12:38,020 No. No. 309 00:12:38,103 --> 00:12:39,188 This is good for Schmidt. 310 00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:42,316 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him for years. 311 00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:44,151 You make him cook, you make him clean… 312 00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:45,736 Where's my money, dude? 313 00:12:45,819 --> 00:12:48,238 Frankly, it's sexist. 314 00:12:48,614 --> 00:12:50,324 Oh, my God. Ew! 315 00:12:50,491 --> 00:12:51,617 How's it sexist? 316 00:12:52,076 --> 00:12:53,160 Who's cleaning up? 317 00:12:53,243 --> 00:12:55,287 - I cleaned this morning. - All right, fine. 318 00:12:55,371 --> 00:12:57,539 - I'll clean, you go to the store. - Act like an adult. 319 00:12:57,623 --> 00:12:59,166 I'm not going to the store with him. 320 00:12:59,249 --> 00:13:01,752 - Stop throwing things at each other. - Where's my money, dude? 321 00:13:01,835 --> 00:13:04,338 - Oh, come on. - Where is the money? 322 00:13:04,421 --> 00:13:05,464 You're a child. 323 00:13:05,547 --> 00:13:07,800 - My car, too, while you… - Silence, friends! 324 00:13:08,217 --> 00:13:09,635 I made you necklaces. 325 00:13:10,135 --> 00:13:11,679 Hey, do you want to go to the store? 326 00:13:11,762 --> 00:13:12,930 Please, God, yes. 327 00:13:13,764 --> 00:13:16,809 $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks? 328 00:13:16,934 --> 00:13:18,269 - It's only $100? - $100. 329 00:13:18,352 --> 00:13:20,372 You should've told… We have way too much stuff, man. 330 00:13:20,396 --> 00:13:22,499 - Yeah, like shrimp cocktail. - We don't need a baked ham. 331 00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:23,857 - All right. - Winston? 332 00:13:24,358 --> 00:13:25,776 - Sorry about that. - Really? 333 00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:27,569 Two cake mixes? 334 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:29,381 - Really? All these soups? - Pizza? Frozen pizza? 335 00:13:29,405 --> 00:13:31,132 - Fat ass. What you trying to do, die? - Shut up. 336 00:13:31,156 --> 00:13:33,242 - We have enough ketchup. - Come on, really? 337 00:13:33,325 --> 00:13:34,576 Next, please. 338 00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:35,744 Hey, how you doing, sir? 339 00:13:35,953 --> 00:13:37,329 We only have $100, Gary, 340 00:13:37,413 --> 00:13:39,581 so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100? 341 00:13:39,665 --> 00:13:41,208 Yeah, you got to include tax, too, 342 00:13:41,292 --> 00:13:43,252 - so, like, $93, just… Cool? - Yeah, that'll do. 343 00:13:43,294 --> 00:13:44,295 Okay, guys. 344 00:13:44,378 --> 00:13:45,939 - Thanks. - Gonna put my stuff at the front 345 00:13:45,963 --> 00:13:47,274 'cause you don't know how to shop. 346 00:13:47,298 --> 00:13:48,507 You're being ridiculous. 347 00:13:48,590 --> 00:13:49,591 Are you getting me? 348 00:13:49,675 --> 00:13:50,718 We have enough ketchup. 349 00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,386 Epsom salt? 350 00:13:52,469 --> 00:13:54,189 - Yeah. - Are you too good for regular salt? 351 00:13:54,221 --> 00:13:56,283 Okay, you know damn well I got to soak my trick foot. 352 00:13:56,307 --> 00:13:58,142 Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot. 353 00:13:58,225 --> 00:14:00,269 Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie. 354 00:14:00,352 --> 00:14:01,854 - Aw, Winnie… - Fine. 355 00:14:01,937 --> 00:14:03,272 You don't owe me anything. 356 00:14:03,355 --> 00:14:04,916 The slate is clean. We're good, we're even. 357 00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:06,100 Good, that's how I feel, too. 358 00:14:06,150 --> 00:14:08,819 Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner 359 00:14:08,902 --> 00:14:10,779 - of best boobs. - Really? "Best boobs"? 360 00:14:10,863 --> 00:14:12,757 - Master's division. - You gonna talk about my mother? 361 00:14:12,781 --> 00:14:14,217 You gonna talk about my mom's boobs? 362 00:14:14,241 --> 00:14:15,385 Is that… You gonna go there? 363 00:14:15,409 --> 00:14:17,119 Don't push me in a supermarket. 364 00:14:17,202 --> 00:14:18,329 You started this. 365 00:14:20,164 --> 00:14:22,017 - Did you just slap me in the face? - No, I did not. 366 00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:23,601 I don't know what you're talking about. 367 00:14:28,297 --> 00:14:29,465 I'm not afraid of you, man. 368 00:14:31,216 --> 00:14:32,718 Don't act your… 369 00:14:38,182 --> 00:14:39,183 Grow up, dude! 370 00:14:41,769 --> 00:14:43,020 Hey, Schmidt. 371 00:14:43,687 --> 00:14:45,189 Oh, hello, Jess. 372 00:14:45,481 --> 00:14:46,791 - Hey. - What are you doing out here? 373 00:14:46,815 --> 00:14:50,110 Oh, just checking up on you. 374 00:14:50,903 --> 00:14:52,255 Oh, I see you're eating street meat 375 00:14:52,279 --> 00:14:53,739 wrapped in street meat. 376 00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:55,282 This is my man, Gordon. 377 00:14:55,616 --> 00:14:57,785 You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. 378 00:14:58,202 --> 00:14:59,620 Excellent. 379 00:14:59,703 --> 00:15:01,580 - Did you go to work today? - No, no. No work. 380 00:15:01,664 --> 00:15:02,891 I haven't been there in a while. 381 00:15:02,915 --> 00:15:04,917 - How long is a while? - I don't know. Three days? 382 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,296 Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. 383 00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:10,460 I shouldn't have done that. 384 00:15:11,256 --> 00:15:12,675 Please come home. 385 00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,259 Why? 386 00:15:14,468 --> 00:15:16,053 So I can cook and clean? 387 00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:18,222 So I can show you where the vacuum is? 388 00:15:19,265 --> 00:15:20,724 All right. 389 00:15:20,808 --> 00:15:23,227 Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. 390 00:15:23,310 --> 00:15:25,479 That is one reason why I came here, 391 00:15:25,562 --> 00:15:27,314 but I really want you to come home. 392 00:15:27,481 --> 00:15:30,067 Everything's falling apart without you. 393 00:15:30,234 --> 00:15:33,237 Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. 394 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,906 And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. 395 00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:39,243 Schmidt, just listen to me, because you 396 00:15:39,326 --> 00:15:41,662 don't belong here, like, really. 397 00:15:41,745 --> 00:15:43,265 Do you remember when you got yourself off 398 00:15:43,289 --> 00:15:44,581 to An Inconvenient Truth? 399 00:15:45,291 --> 00:15:47,918 How about when you dress up like Shia LaBeouf 400 00:15:48,002 --> 00:15:49,837 from Wall Street 2 for Halloween? 401 00:15:50,754 --> 00:15:52,006 Do you remember when you said 402 00:15:52,089 --> 00:15:54,925 jazz music was America's greatest mistake? 403 00:15:55,301 --> 00:15:57,177 Say it in drums, Jessica Day. 404 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,263 Me hablo drums. 405 00:16:02,766 --> 00:16:05,185 Hey, man. I got the last frozen thing. 406 00:16:06,437 --> 00:16:08,439 I was gonna ice my wrist, but… 407 00:16:09,148 --> 00:16:10,482 What about this? 408 00:16:10,858 --> 00:16:12,026 Take half, pal. 409 00:16:12,109 --> 00:16:13,611 So kind of you. 410 00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:17,364 That hurts, man. 411 00:16:18,907 --> 00:16:20,284 I am so hungry. 412 00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:22,012 Remember those things Schmidt used to make us 413 00:16:22,036 --> 00:16:25,289 with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? 414 00:16:25,372 --> 00:16:26,582 What were those called? 415 00:16:26,665 --> 00:16:28,834 - Ants on a log. - Ants on a log. 416 00:16:28,917 --> 00:16:30,753 I just got why they're called ants on a log. 417 00:16:31,962 --> 00:16:33,339 Looks like ants on a log. 418 00:16:33,547 --> 00:16:35,257 I'm hungry, man. 419 00:16:35,424 --> 00:16:37,092 Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy? 420 00:16:37,343 --> 00:16:38,594 No, it's me. 421 00:16:39,470 --> 00:16:40,614 What the hell happened to you? 422 00:16:40,638 --> 00:16:42,056 I went down to the beach, 423 00:16:42,139 --> 00:16:43,974 and I tried to talk to Schmidt, 424 00:16:44,058 --> 00:16:45,559 but he just ignored me, 425 00:16:45,643 --> 00:16:48,395 and he went back to twirling his fire baton. 426 00:16:48,479 --> 00:16:50,397 He's really bad, he burned a lot of people. 427 00:16:50,481 --> 00:16:52,709 I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times 428 00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:54,485 before they actually light it on fire. 429 00:16:54,568 --> 00:16:58,113 Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt is really complicated. 430 00:16:58,322 --> 00:17:01,158 'Cause you want to change him so badly, 431 00:17:01,241 --> 00:17:04,078 but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse. 432 00:17:04,286 --> 00:17:07,498 You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. 433 00:17:07,581 --> 00:17:10,125 This is not what I wanted. 434 00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,878 I just wanted to put my hutch here. 435 00:17:13,629 --> 00:17:16,006 Make the place my own, be a part of the family. 436 00:17:16,090 --> 00:17:17,675 What family? With these clowns? 437 00:17:17,758 --> 00:17:20,386 Yeah, you clowns. 438 00:17:20,469 --> 00:17:21,780 Well, look, you want in, you're in. 439 00:17:21,804 --> 00:17:24,431 Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess. 440 00:17:24,515 --> 00:17:25,683 Aw. 441 00:17:25,766 --> 00:17:27,685 Yeah, we don't "aw" in this family. 442 00:17:36,485 --> 00:17:38,112 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Schmidt. 443 00:17:38,195 --> 00:17:40,364 Um, we need to talk. 444 00:17:42,950 --> 00:17:44,034 Something not cool? 445 00:17:48,289 --> 00:17:50,374 Schmidt, we miss you. 446 00:17:50,457 --> 00:17:51,542 You just want me to clean. 447 00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:52,751 No, that's not true. 448 00:17:52,835 --> 00:17:54,437 It's a little bit true. There's truth to it. 449 00:17:54,461 --> 00:17:55,772 - Okay, look. - I want you to clean. 450 00:17:55,796 --> 00:17:59,883 Look, we're so proud of you for letting go, and relaxing. 451 00:17:59,967 --> 00:18:02,136 But this isn't like you. 452 00:18:02,219 --> 00:18:03,659 You can run away from your problems, 453 00:18:04,388 --> 00:18:07,975 but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up, like hepatitis. 454 00:18:08,058 --> 00:18:09,685 And Nick and Winston 455 00:18:09,768 --> 00:18:12,605 want to say to you that they really miss you. 456 00:18:12,688 --> 00:18:13,814 You're freaking me out, man. 457 00:18:13,897 --> 00:18:15,625 Why you wearing that crystal around your neck? 458 00:18:15,649 --> 00:18:17,526 Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy. 459 00:18:17,610 --> 00:18:19,820 All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. 460 00:18:19,903 --> 00:18:21,447 Look, I need you, Schmidt. 461 00:18:22,239 --> 00:18:25,534 Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear 462 00:18:25,618 --> 00:18:27,494 and to exercise more often. 463 00:18:27,578 --> 00:18:30,372 I need you to make fun of me when I call a panini a hot sandwich. 464 00:18:30,456 --> 00:18:31,498 How am I ever gonna learn? 465 00:18:31,957 --> 00:18:33,751 I even miss your hair chutney. 466 00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:37,796 Without you, man, we're just three idiots who live together. 467 00:18:39,923 --> 00:18:41,550 You make us a family. 468 00:18:44,303 --> 00:18:45,304 Well, 469 00:18:45,387 --> 00:18:47,073 - I'm the cool rebel brother. - You're the mom. 470 00:18:47,097 --> 00:18:48,140 - The mother. - Mom. 471 00:18:48,515 --> 00:18:50,476 Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us, 472 00:18:51,644 --> 00:18:53,020 I'll let you clean my room. 473 00:18:54,563 --> 00:18:56,357 The white whale? 474 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,443 Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed, 475 00:18:59,526 --> 00:19:00,611 how many stray socks. 476 00:19:00,694 --> 00:19:03,489 Hey, Schmidt, I got you something. 477 00:19:03,572 --> 00:19:05,074 Is that a boutique box? 478 00:19:05,157 --> 00:19:08,285 A pair of gray, shiny, 479 00:19:08,369 --> 00:19:10,454 twill, flat-front trousers 480 00:19:11,163 --> 00:19:13,374 designed by a man named Calvin. 481 00:19:14,208 --> 00:19:15,668 Never been tried on. 482 00:19:15,751 --> 00:19:17,127 Pockets are sewn shut. 483 00:19:17,461 --> 00:19:21,215 Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there and rip? 484 00:19:22,549 --> 00:19:25,844 Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this on your bongo drum, 485 00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:28,430 and you can, you know, 486 00:19:28,514 --> 00:19:30,557 give them a whirl if you feel like it. 487 00:19:35,479 --> 00:19:36,939 Just make the right decision. 488 00:19:38,607 --> 00:19:39,775 Come home. 489 00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:42,194 Take the pants. 490 00:19:50,452 --> 00:19:52,663 Oh, come here. 491 00:19:59,295 --> 00:20:00,838 Calvin. 492 00:20:01,755 --> 00:20:03,382 You magnificent wizard. 493 00:20:13,726 --> 00:20:14,893 Schmidtty. 494 00:20:16,103 --> 00:20:18,147 Nick, your hair is doing that thing 495 00:20:18,230 --> 00:20:19,481 that I just… just hate. 496 00:20:19,565 --> 00:20:21,025 Jess, can you please ask Winston 497 00:20:21,108 --> 00:20:22,419 to help you move the furniture out? 498 00:20:22,443 --> 00:20:23,483 He could use the exercise. 499 00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,195 You're looking a little, you know… 500 00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:26,280 He's back. 501 00:20:26,363 --> 00:20:28,574 And Nick, Winston, we have a urinal. 502 00:20:28,657 --> 00:20:29,867 How are you still missing? 503 00:20:30,534 --> 00:20:31,869 Schmidt? 504 00:20:31,952 --> 00:20:33,537 Schmidt, wake up. 505 00:20:33,621 --> 00:20:35,748 Hey, hey. 506 00:20:35,831 --> 00:20:36,915 Hey. 507 00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:38,000 Hey! 508 00:20:40,336 --> 00:20:43,255 What are you doing here? 509 00:20:43,339 --> 00:20:45,257 What do you think I'm doing here? Come on! 510 00:20:48,052 --> 00:20:49,887 - Okay, wait, wait, wait. - What? 511 00:20:50,429 --> 00:20:52,598 Cece, before we continue, 512 00:20:52,681 --> 00:20:55,976 I clearly have no control in this relationship, 513 00:20:57,353 --> 00:20:58,520 and I'm fine with it. 514 00:20:58,604 --> 00:21:00,272 - Good. - But know this, 515 00:21:00,356 --> 00:21:02,542 you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. 516 00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:03,984 for a little bit of this Schmidt, 517 00:21:04,068 --> 00:21:05,361 so who's really in control? 518 00:21:05,611 --> 00:21:06,695 Shut up! 519 00:21:13,577 --> 00:21:15,704 Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants? 520 00:21:15,788 --> 00:21:17,164 What? They're slacks. 521 00:21:17,247 --> 00:21:18,958 - What's the big deal? Calm down. - Oh… 522 00:21:20,584 --> 00:21:23,462 Look how excited Hector J. Is to see you. 523 00:21:23,545 --> 00:21:24,797 I've already met Hector J… 524 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,006 He's knighting you. 525 00:21:26,090 --> 00:21:27,216 Please stop knighting me. 526 00:21:27,299 --> 00:21:29,176 - Lady Cecilia… - Schmidt, I'm gonna leave. 527 00:21:29,259 --> 00:21:30,886 Enter the order of the round table. 528 00:21:30,970 --> 00:21:32,429 I'm getting my bag, I'm gonna… 529 00:21:32,513 --> 00:21:35,391 - Oh, I want to stay. - Dame nasty Cece.