1 00:00:01,884 --> 00:00:03,303 Buying a phone's a big deal. 2 00:00:03,386 --> 00:00:05,013 Think of how long you'll have this thing. 3 00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:07,682 It's like buying a car or a bra. 4 00:00:07,765 --> 00:00:09,475 Eight years, man. Ow. 5 00:00:09,559 --> 00:00:12,645 Hey, uh, sorry, I was just checking your credit score, 6 00:00:12,729 --> 00:00:16,149 and I got this number that's crazily low, so I'll try again. 7 00:00:16,232 --> 00:00:17,692 Don't bother. I'm sure it's right. 8 00:00:18,484 --> 00:00:20,695 - Seriously? - Are you kidding me? 9 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:23,531 250? You get 150 just for being alive. 10 00:00:23,614 --> 00:00:25,783 Hey, Mojan! He got a 250 credit score! 11 00:00:25,867 --> 00:00:28,307 Well, I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off. 12 00:00:29,412 --> 00:00:31,974 Do you have, like, a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? 13 00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:33,875 - Can he have one of those? - Claire, Brendan, 14 00:00:33,958 --> 00:00:35,060 guy's got a 250 credit score. 15 00:00:35,084 --> 00:00:36,919 We're bringing everybody out? 16 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,213 Look at this. 17 00:00:39,297 --> 00:00:42,008 Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing this a long time. 18 00:00:42,091 --> 00:00:44,886 I've just never seen a score this low. 19 00:00:44,969 --> 00:00:46,804 Did you just wake up from a coma? 20 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:50,308 Who's that girl? 21 00:00:50,391 --> 00:00:51,768 Who's that girl? 22 00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:52,977 Who's that girl? 23 00:00:53,061 --> 00:00:54,062 Who's that girl? 24 00:00:54,145 --> 00:00:55,146 It's Jess! 25 00:00:55,897 --> 00:00:57,565 But you've always wanted a thing. 26 00:00:57,649 --> 00:01:00,443 This could be your thing, the guy with no phone. 27 00:01:00,526 --> 00:01:02,945 Who is that guy? I don't want to be that guy. 28 00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:04,405 No, it's like mysterious. 29 00:01:04,489 --> 00:01:06,008 It's like, "I want to call Nick Miller." 30 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,409 "You can't, he doesn't have a phone." 31 00:01:08,493 --> 00:01:09,619 "What?" 32 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,305 You can go all ghost protocol on everyone. 33 00:01:11,329 --> 00:01:12,330 See, that's cool. 34 00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:14,133 I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person. 35 00:01:14,666 --> 00:01:17,085 Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia. 36 00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:19,128 We were in the Greek mythology zone. 37 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,922 I mean, you knew every question. 38 00:01:21,005 --> 00:01:24,217 Perseus, Icarus, Medusa. Medeuce, deuce! 39 00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:25,510 Guys, you're shouting. 40 00:01:25,593 --> 00:01:26,761 You knew every answer. 41 00:01:26,844 --> 00:01:28,280 Like, what was the tiebreaker you got? 42 00:01:28,304 --> 00:01:30,014 Calvin Coolidge's birthplace? 43 00:01:30,098 --> 00:01:31,265 Little Plymouth Notch, son. 44 00:01:31,349 --> 00:01:32,868 Wow, I'm done with this. Shelby, wanna… 45 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,411 I mean, seriously, how did you know that? 46 00:01:34,435 --> 00:01:35,812 How do you forget that? 47 00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:37,313 Answer, you don't. 48 00:01:37,438 --> 00:01:38,439 - Jar! - Boom! 49 00:01:38,523 --> 00:01:40,525 - I'm gonna jar myself on that one. - Okay. 50 00:01:40,608 --> 00:01:42,860 - He's like a trivia god. - Girl, get up. Mmm-hmm. 51 00:01:42,944 --> 00:01:44,487 Winston, don't worry about it. 52 00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:45,947 It's your public school education. 53 00:01:46,030 --> 00:01:47,198 You'll catch up. 54 00:01:48,116 --> 00:01:49,158 Jar again. 55 00:01:55,581 --> 00:01:56,582 Excuse me? 56 00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:57,959 Oh, hi. 57 00:01:58,042 --> 00:02:00,169 Yeah, hi, I'm Russell Shiller, Sarah's dad. 58 00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,522 - Oh, yes. - We spoke on the phone. 59 00:02:01,546 --> 00:02:02,547 I'm Jessica Day. 60 00:02:03,131 --> 00:02:04,298 Did you just curtsy? 61 00:02:04,924 --> 00:02:06,134 I did, yes, I did. 62 00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:07,802 Is this a bad time? 63 00:02:07,969 --> 00:02:09,762 Nope, no, no, I was just cleaning up 64 00:02:09,846 --> 00:02:11,514 from the sexual health class. 65 00:02:11,597 --> 00:02:14,600 I had to take condoms off 30 cucumbers. 66 00:02:14,684 --> 00:02:16,936 Condoms are harder to take off than I thought. 67 00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:18,187 I know how to put them on, 68 00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,748 but I didn't know how to take them off. 69 00:02:19,772 --> 00:02:21,816 Someone else has always done it for me. 70 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:26,446 I'm sorry. I just got off a flight from London. 71 00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:28,114 Maybe I'm a little out of it. 72 00:02:28,197 --> 00:02:29,532 Oh, London. 73 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:31,909 Did you have a busy sch 74 00:02:32,327 --> 00:02:33,911 schedule? 75 00:02:34,245 --> 00:02:35,621 Did you have fun? 76 00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:37,165 No, I was advising a merger. 77 00:02:37,248 --> 00:02:39,042 Oh, fair enough. 78 00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:42,920 Um, you wanted to talk to me about Sarah's art. 79 00:02:43,004 --> 00:02:46,049 So, this is one of the pieces she did. 80 00:02:46,841 --> 00:02:48,051 - Um… - Oh. 81 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:51,763 That one's called, um, 82 00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:53,806 "At the mall with grandma." 83 00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:58,102 She made that in dream-cess, which is where 84 00:02:58,186 --> 00:03:00,063 I let the kids have time to create something. 85 00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,523 Sarah's gonna be opting out of dream-cess from now on. 86 00:03:02,607 --> 00:03:03,858 She'll use that same time 87 00:03:03,941 --> 00:03:06,277 to review her other schoolwork with a tutor. 88 00:03:06,361 --> 00:03:09,489 - Oh, did you talk to Sarah about this? - Well, I don't need to. 89 00:03:09,572 --> 00:03:11,932 I want her to know fractions before she goes to high school. 90 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,470 - I follow the curriculum. - My daughter is wearing dolls' heads 91 00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,996 around her neck, so whatever you're doing, 92 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,206 keep it up. 93 00:03:18,748 --> 00:03:20,792 I talk to your daughter every single day. 94 00:03:21,125 --> 00:03:23,002 Do you? Because hiring a tutor 95 00:03:23,086 --> 00:03:25,588 is not the same thing as spending time with her. 96 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,507 I'm her father, not her friend. 97 00:03:27,590 --> 00:03:29,008 I know what she needs. 98 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,043 Give my best to Mrs. Monogamy. 99 00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:38,851 He's the third-largest donor in the city. 100 00:03:38,935 --> 00:03:41,521 We take his money and then we have to answer to him? 101 00:03:41,604 --> 00:03:43,165 You're asking me to give up my integrity? 102 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:45,775 That's what I'm telling you to do. Yes, we need his money. 103 00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:47,443 So, he pulls his donation. 104 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:49,821 You know what? I'll raise the money myself. 105 00:03:49,904 --> 00:03:51,990 I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. 106 00:03:52,073 --> 00:03:55,034 A lost soul, an orphan, 107 00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:57,286 a Jewish kid with a keyboard, 108 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:59,038 a little slut who can dance, 109 00:03:59,122 --> 00:04:00,206 and one fatso, 110 00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:03,126 and I'll choreograph some dances, and make a show. 111 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:05,289 You did that already. It's called the spring musical, 112 00:04:05,336 --> 00:04:06,963 and it literally brought in $60. 113 00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:08,631 Please don't make me apologize. 114 00:04:08,923 --> 00:04:10,258 You're gonna go to his office. 115 00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:12,319 You're gonna say that you were wrong. 116 00:04:12,343 --> 00:04:15,096 Say you're never gonna let the kids do anything creative 117 00:04:15,179 --> 00:04:16,264 ever again. 118 00:04:16,347 --> 00:04:17,598 From now on, 119 00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:20,518 your classroom is full-on North Korea. 120 00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:23,021 Math! Math! Math! 121 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:24,789 Make sure he doesn't pull the donation. 122 00:04:25,857 --> 00:04:28,693 When he was yelling at you, did do that little thing with his mouth? 123 00:04:28,776 --> 00:04:30,695 You know, that little smile thing? 124 00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:33,072 You know, like, like where he goes, "Mmm?" 125 00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:34,282 That's really weird, Tanya. 126 00:04:34,657 --> 00:04:35,950 Apologize. 127 00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:40,848 Why'd you make me look stupid in front of Shelby last night? 128 00:04:40,872 --> 00:04:41,873 Wait, what? 129 00:04:41,956 --> 00:04:43,475 Which of the five great lakes is located 130 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,501 entirely in the United States? 131 00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,962 - Lake Erie? - Yeah, if Lake Michigan didn't exist 132 00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:50,256 and we won a fictional U.S. Canada war. 133 00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:52,133 - Lake Michigan. - Correct! 134 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,344 Boom! 135 00:04:55,136 --> 00:04:56,763 Oh, you want me to take a dive next time? 136 00:04:56,846 --> 00:04:58,449 - Take a dive? - You know, like pretend like 137 00:04:58,473 --> 00:05:00,075 you know more than me when Shelby's around, 138 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:02,060 so it seems like you're smarter. 139 00:05:02,143 --> 00:05:04,288 You'd do the same thing for me if I were the dumber one. 140 00:05:04,312 --> 00:05:05,980 Wow, so let me get this straight. 141 00:05:06,064 --> 00:05:08,441 You think because you know a few facts about Princess Kate, 142 00:05:08,524 --> 00:05:10,252 - that makes you smarter than me? - First of all, 143 00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:13,071 Kate is a duchess and whip-smart by all accounts. 144 00:05:13,154 --> 00:05:14,989 Second of all, don't be so prideful. 145 00:05:15,073 --> 00:05:16,157 Look, there's nothing wrong 146 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,843 with being the second-smartest in the loft. 147 00:05:17,867 --> 00:05:19,219 You know what, let me take that back. 148 00:05:19,243 --> 00:05:20,787 Jess is a teacher of children. 149 00:05:20,912 --> 00:05:21,913 You memorize facts. 150 00:05:21,996 --> 00:05:23,247 I can memorize facts. 151 00:05:23,331 --> 00:05:24,540 That doesn't make you smart. 152 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,794 Okay, well, maybe, but I'm definitely smarter than you. 153 00:05:27,877 --> 00:05:29,671 Whew! Glutes are done, my man. 154 00:05:29,754 --> 00:05:31,214 I'm gonna go to the stairwell, 155 00:05:31,297 --> 00:05:32,382 work on my calves. 156 00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:33,549 - Come with? - Hell, no. 157 00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:36,094 You sure? 158 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:40,765 I have to grovel. I hate groveling. 159 00:05:40,890 --> 00:05:44,102 I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King. 160 00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:46,896 - I think about that all the time. - You do? 161 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,791 Do you know how much I grovel on a daily basis? 162 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:50,274 It is literally obscene. 163 00:05:50,358 --> 00:05:51,442 Come the weekend, 164 00:05:51,609 --> 00:05:53,069 I'm the one who's filling up my cart 165 00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,989 with Fila, Nautica, Impulse Fila, 166 00:05:56,072 --> 00:05:57,699 Hilfiger, CK, 167 00:05:57,782 --> 00:05:59,617 BR Leather Cuff, and more Fila. 168 00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:02,412 This is the problem, Jess. It's rich people. 169 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,414 We are right where they want us, Jess. 170 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:07,250 - Just suckling on the teat of consumerism. - Yeah. 171 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:08,918 The exact reason I got rid of my phone. 172 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,122 You were denied a cell phone 173 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:12,672 because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. 174 00:06:12,755 --> 00:06:14,841 How I got here doesn't matter. 175 00:06:14,924 --> 00:06:16,360 You weigh more than your credit score. 176 00:06:16,384 --> 00:06:18,678 - I'm here now, and I'm loving it. - Yeah. 177 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,305 I'm the guy with no phone. 178 00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:23,599 I mean, right now, I'm writing a letter to my friend, Kev, 179 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,060 seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday. 180 00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:29,230 "What up, Kev? You in? 181 00:06:29,314 --> 00:06:31,357 - "Nick Miller." - Yeah, Nick, 182 00:06:31,441 --> 00:06:33,359 he might pull the funding from the school, 183 00:06:33,568 --> 00:06:35,368 - so I'm just a little… - Blame your period. 184 00:06:36,070 --> 00:06:37,310 I've actually done this before. 185 00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:38,781 I mean, both parties knew 186 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:41,659 that I was lying, obviously, 187 00:06:41,743 --> 00:06:43,786 but it didn't matter because they knew 188 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,830 that I had utterly humiliated myself, 189 00:06:45,913 --> 00:06:48,249 and at the end of the day, they respected that. 190 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:51,711 I'm sorry, I just feel like someone should suggest a simple apology. 191 00:06:52,253 --> 00:06:53,647 I know that's not where we're headed, 192 00:06:53,671 --> 00:06:55,006 but I'm just gonna go on record 193 00:06:55,089 --> 00:06:57,675 and say, I think you should apologize 194 00:06:57,759 --> 00:06:59,010 - like a human. - No! 195 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:00,637 No! I'm going with Nick 196 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,281 'cause I don't think I have to apologize. 197 00:07:02,305 --> 00:07:04,432 Yeah, Jess, so march into his office, 198 00:07:04,515 --> 00:07:08,186 and say, "Hey, Mr. Fancyman, you can't tell me what to do." 199 00:07:08,269 --> 00:07:10,396 "Your money doesn't own me." 200 00:07:10,521 --> 00:07:12,106 And then throw away your phone. 201 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:14,168 Yeah, I'm gonna throw my phone into the fiery chasm 202 00:07:14,192 --> 00:07:17,153 - where he keeps his poor people. - Actually, scratch that. 203 00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:19,489 My mom's got your number in case of emergency. 204 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,399 I want her to think I can bring something to the table. 205 00:07:23,117 --> 00:07:24,619 I care about this girl, Elvin. 206 00:07:24,702 --> 00:07:26,287 I want her to be my girlfriend. 207 00:07:26,871 --> 00:07:29,916 She sees me, all she sees is a part-time nanny, and that's… 208 00:07:30,124 --> 00:07:31,751 You are a part-time nanny. 209 00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,211 I want her to think I'm smart. 210 00:07:34,295 --> 00:07:35,338 What about fake glasses? 211 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,464 It worked for me. 212 00:07:38,007 --> 00:07:40,093 Okay, okay, I'm on my way to his office, 213 00:07:40,176 --> 00:07:43,346 and I have a speech I wrote for Fancyman. I want to practice it. 214 00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:46,391 Why are you listening to Nick? It is a horrible idea. 215 00:07:46,474 --> 00:07:48,685 - Ghost protocol, man. - You're using my phone. 216 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:52,313 It's not ghost protocol. It's you using my phone. 217 00:07:52,397 --> 00:07:55,316 This is a group call, I'm just talking in my living room, 218 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,800 and it happens to go into that box. 219 00:07:56,859 --> 00:07:59,445 Okay, I'm gonna start with a quote against Social Darwinism, 220 00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:01,698 then a discussion of the Gilded Age, 221 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,261 the robber barons, the Great Society, 222 00:08:03,324 --> 00:08:06,035 how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, 223 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,954 and I end with a bluegrass version 224 00:08:08,037 --> 00:08:09,956 of Public Enemy's Fight The Power. 225 00:08:10,039 --> 00:08:11,040 Bad finish. 226 00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:14,627 What is that? Are you driving a lawnmower? 227 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,045 No, I just… 228 00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,214 It's my car. 229 00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:21,301 Look, this is a great opportunity. You need to ask yourself, 230 00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:23,011 where are you even going? 231 00:08:23,094 --> 00:08:25,430 - Buy a new car. - You don't need a car. 232 00:08:25,513 --> 00:08:27,515 Oh, my car's stalled out. 233 00:08:28,349 --> 00:08:30,268 Can you guys come and help me push it? 234 00:08:30,351 --> 00:08:32,687 Yeah, we'll be down in a few minutes. 235 00:08:33,021 --> 00:08:34,105 Can I help you? 236 00:08:34,188 --> 00:08:35,815 What? Oh, hi. 237 00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:37,525 Um, 238 00:08:37,608 --> 00:08:40,069 uh, Mr. Shiller, um… 239 00:08:40,236 --> 00:08:42,676 - How'd you know I was here? - I was driving by and I saw you. 240 00:08:43,281 --> 00:08:44,574 My office is right here. 241 00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:46,701 Oh. Oh! 242 00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,245 What a coincidence. I had no idea. 243 00:08:49,454 --> 00:08:50,663 Weird. 244 00:08:51,205 --> 00:08:52,290 What's wrong with the car? 245 00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:53,767 Guy sounds like a matinee idol. 246 00:08:53,791 --> 00:08:55,209 Shut up, Schmidt. 247 00:08:55,293 --> 00:08:57,133 I'm just pushing it to the nearest gas station. 248 00:08:57,211 --> 00:08:59,297 It's like, a mile away, so I'm fine. 249 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:00,740 I know a guy, he'll be here in 10. 250 00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:02,925 Oh, no, Mr. Shiller. 251 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,093 Russell. 252 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,803 Mr. Shiller, I can take care of myself. 253 00:09:05,887 --> 00:09:07,889 It's how I was raised, I wasn't raised with money, 254 00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:10,516 so when something broke, we pretended it still worked. 255 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,536 Some of my best memories are pushing this car around 256 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,895 on family vacations. 257 00:09:13,978 --> 00:09:15,730 Okay. 258 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,983 Oh, yeah, tow truck's on the way. 259 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,235 Look, that's very nice and generous of you, 260 00:09:21,319 --> 00:09:24,280 but I really… I mean, I need my car, and… 261 00:09:25,406 --> 00:09:26,532 Here, let me help you. 262 00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:28,785 Take mine. 263 00:09:29,327 --> 00:09:30,745 - What? - Take mine. 264 00:09:30,828 --> 00:09:32,413 - Here. - No. 265 00:09:32,622 --> 00:09:34,374 Come on. Take mine. 266 00:09:34,457 --> 00:09:36,959 Uh, I don't know how to drive cars that work. 267 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,712 You can drop it off tomorrow night. I'm having a party, a cookout. 268 00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:40,963 Come on over any time. 269 00:09:42,590 --> 00:09:44,801 Thank you so much. This is amazing. 270 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,803 I will return it washed and polished. 271 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,429 - Do you think it's a superhero? - No. 272 00:09:48,513 --> 00:09:50,390 I think it's Jess and some weird guy. 273 00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:52,266 Miss Day? 274 00:09:52,350 --> 00:09:53,851 Jess, you can call me Jess. 275 00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,270 Great, I'll see you tomorrow, Jess. 276 00:09:58,648 --> 00:10:00,274 Go is the one on the right. 277 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,485 The one on the left is stop. 278 00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:04,112 Thanks. 279 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,364 - What kind of car is it? - We are the 99%. 280 00:10:06,447 --> 00:10:08,241 - Is it an SL? - We are the 99%. 281 00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:09,484 Does it have a push ignition? 282 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:10,910 Does it have a push ignition? 283 00:10:10,994 --> 00:10:12,787 Please tell me it's not a hybrid. 284 00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:19,043 And then he gives me his car, just hands me the keys. 285 00:10:19,127 --> 00:10:20,920 It's, like, so… 286 00:10:21,379 --> 00:10:23,840 Rich people! They're always giving you their cars. 287 00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:26,509 It's, like, "Let them eat cars." You know what he's doing? 288 00:10:26,592 --> 00:10:28,428 He's taking back the power, 289 00:10:28,511 --> 00:10:30,346 so I have to go to his cookout, 290 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,016 and instead of standing up to him, I have to grovel. 291 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:36,394 Just a thought, what if he likes you? 292 00:10:36,477 --> 00:10:37,478 No, I hate him. 293 00:10:37,562 --> 00:10:40,565 This guy is single and he's sweet. 294 00:10:41,024 --> 00:10:42,442 Sweet? No. 295 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,819 He's not sweet. I would never go for that guy. 296 00:10:45,528 --> 00:10:47,905 - Why? - Because he's the type of guy 297 00:10:47,989 --> 00:10:50,908 who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me. 298 00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:52,702 I'm only attracted to guys 299 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,037 who are afraid of success 300 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,206 and think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog. 301 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,542 - Spencer didn't even own sheets. - Yeah. 302 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:01,294 He slept on a pile of washcloths. 303 00:11:01,377 --> 00:11:02,938 Can I say something you're not gonna like? 304 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,673 - No. - Maybe Russell intimidates you, 305 00:11:05,757 --> 00:11:07,443 because you wouldn't have to take care of him, 306 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,827 because he would take care of you, 307 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,178 and that terrifies you. 308 00:11:10,261 --> 00:11:11,346 Uh, no. 309 00:11:11,429 --> 00:11:14,182 Spencer wore jellies. 310 00:11:15,099 --> 00:11:17,268 How many pounds in a metric ton? 311 00:11:17,352 --> 00:11:19,437 2,204.6. Next. 312 00:11:20,271 --> 00:11:22,815 In 1948, Albert became the first. 313 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,525 - American… - American monkey in space. 314 00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:25,610 Let's go. 315 00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:27,695 - This ancient… - Mesopotamia. Hit me. 316 00:11:27,779 --> 00:11:30,281 You don't actually know what a Mesopotamia is. 317 00:11:30,365 --> 00:11:32,992 Of course I know what Mesopotamia is. Don't be crazy. 318 00:11:33,076 --> 00:11:34,494 Use it in a sentence. 319 00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:37,455 Look, there's Mesopotamia. 320 00:11:38,122 --> 00:11:39,290 I'm going to have to draw 321 00:11:39,374 --> 00:11:41,292 on your hatred of rich people for this, okay? 322 00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:42,669 Hate me up. 323 00:11:42,752 --> 00:11:44,170 For starters, look at this place. 324 00:11:44,253 --> 00:11:45,254 I know. Ugh. 325 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,215 I'm betting at one point there was a moat. 326 00:11:47,423 --> 00:11:49,384 Rich boy punk. 327 00:11:49,592 --> 00:11:51,761 This hallway's excessive. It's braggy. 328 00:11:53,304 --> 00:11:54,664 Well, I guess everyone's out back. 329 00:11:54,722 --> 00:11:56,682 Ugh, look at this place, Jess. Are you kidding me? 330 00:11:56,724 --> 00:11:57,934 It's so over-the-top. 331 00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,477 A kitchen island? Be a man! 332 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,330 - Let your counter attach to itself. - I know. 333 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,040 It's like, "I can't chop vegetables over here." 334 00:12:03,064 --> 00:12:05,400 "I need to do it over here. Love me, love me." 335 00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:06,901 I mean, we're making an egg, 336 00:12:06,985 --> 00:12:08,505 not going to outer space, guys, right? 337 00:12:08,569 --> 00:12:09,654 Right. Nice burn. 338 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:15,618 Whoa. 339 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:17,453 Makes me want to sit by the fire, 340 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,747 and talk about how annoying Gandhi is. 341 00:12:21,666 --> 00:12:23,543 Whoa, something's happening to me. 342 00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:25,795 I want to sit at that desk 343 00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:28,256 - and veto a law. - What are you doing, Nick? 344 00:12:28,339 --> 00:12:30,693 - That's someone else's stuff. - When I put my hand on this desk, 345 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:33,553 I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life. 346 00:12:33,636 --> 00:12:35,596 Nick, this man stands for everything you hate. 347 00:12:36,931 --> 00:12:40,601 I'm President Miller! You're all fired! Bring our boys home. 348 00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:42,520 This is how evil geniuses are born. 349 00:12:42,603 --> 00:12:44,397 You smell that? It smells like leather 350 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,482 and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness. 351 00:12:48,318 --> 00:12:49,694 I want to wear this cap. 352 00:12:50,445 --> 00:12:51,487 You're not helping me! 353 00:12:51,696 --> 00:12:53,948 Nick, I know this room is beautiful, 354 00:12:54,032 --> 00:12:56,659 gentlemanly, and smells like Christmas, 355 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,161 but you have to stay strong. 356 00:12:58,786 --> 00:13:00,288 I'm gonna go find Russell. 357 00:13:00,371 --> 00:13:02,999 Keep… playing with that duck. 358 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,627 I want to kill you 359 00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,380 because I respect you. 360 00:13:10,214 --> 00:13:12,133 I think I understand hunting! 361 00:13:26,356 --> 00:13:29,359 - Hello, Russell. - Hey, Jess. Thanks for coming. 362 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,944 Oh, the mechanic called. Your car's done. 363 00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:33,655 He also wanted me to communicate to you 364 00:13:33,738 --> 00:13:35,531 that you need to change your oil. 365 00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:40,620 I want to, first of all, say thank you, Russell. 366 00:13:40,703 --> 00:13:42,705 Um, and second of all, I want to say, um, 367 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,500 I know you donate a lot of money to this school, but… 368 00:13:45,583 --> 00:13:48,419 - You think I'm a snob. - No. No. 369 00:13:48,503 --> 00:13:51,464 No, I have nothing against people who 370 00:13:51,923 --> 00:13:54,050 live in enormous mansions. 371 00:13:54,550 --> 00:13:56,386 Jess, I'm 42. 372 00:13:56,511 --> 00:13:58,554 I've made a lot of money, and I enjoy spending it. 373 00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:00,658 - You've got to try one of these. - Oh. 374 00:14:00,682 --> 00:14:02,433 Deconstructed spring roll. 375 00:14:02,517 --> 00:14:03,935 - It's delicious. - Oh. 376 00:14:04,018 --> 00:14:05,478 - Try it. - Oh. 377 00:14:09,107 --> 00:14:10,316 Oh, my God! 378 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,652 This is so amazing I want to punch you! 379 00:14:12,902 --> 00:14:14,278 Russell! 380 00:14:14,362 --> 00:14:16,698 Come tell Carolyn about that time you delivered that baby. 381 00:14:16,781 --> 00:14:18,116 Oh. Yeah. 382 00:14:18,199 --> 00:14:20,868 - You delivered a baby? - Just… It was twins, actually. 383 00:14:20,952 --> 00:14:22,078 Twins? 384 00:14:30,294 --> 00:14:31,587 Are you wearing my sweater? 385 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,965 No. Yes. It was on the back of the chair. 386 00:14:34,048 --> 00:14:35,776 So I thought the sweater belonged to the chair. 387 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,094 I thought it was a chair sweater. Those exist. 388 00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:40,555 I'm Nick. 389 00:14:40,805 --> 00:14:42,348 - Oh, you know Jess. - Yes. 390 00:14:42,432 --> 00:14:44,159 I'm Jess' roommate. I'm the guy with no phone, 391 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:45,953 if she's told you. That's my thing. No phones. 392 00:14:45,977 --> 00:14:47,061 Why don't you have a phone? 393 00:14:47,145 --> 00:14:49,785 Because I don't want to be tied to some corporate system, you know? 394 00:14:50,231 --> 00:14:51,542 That and no one would give me one. 395 00:14:51,566 --> 00:14:52,960 I have incredibly low credit ratings. 396 00:14:52,984 --> 00:14:54,152 Yeah. 397 00:14:54,569 --> 00:14:56,547 When I was your age, I had a really skinny ponytail, 398 00:14:56,571 --> 00:14:58,656 and I think I was living off of selling my own blood. 399 00:15:00,074 --> 00:15:01,743 That's funny. Then what happened? 400 00:15:01,826 --> 00:15:03,554 One day, you just woke up and you had all this? 401 00:15:03,578 --> 00:15:05,371 I realized I wanted to grow up. 402 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,707 - That's what happened. - Um… 403 00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:10,686 I got this as a gift from the company for Christmas, so… 404 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:11,836 Oh, wow, that's great. 405 00:15:11,919 --> 00:15:14,255 My boss gave me three credit cards he found at the bar, 406 00:15:14,339 --> 00:15:16,591 and said, "You didn't get these from me." 407 00:15:18,468 --> 00:15:20,386 It's a bartender joke. I'm a bartender. 408 00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:22,722 We don't steal credit cards. Cool, cool. 409 00:15:22,805 --> 00:15:24,658 - Here. Take it. - No, I can't take your phone, man. 410 00:15:24,682 --> 00:15:25,850 I can't… It's just… 411 00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:29,854 It feels really good in my hand. 412 00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:34,942 Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object? 413 00:15:35,026 --> 00:15:37,236 Yes, it is. It really is. 414 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,074 - You can keep the sweater. - Thanks, I… 415 00:15:41,866 --> 00:15:44,911 I don't know why I put it on, to be honest with you. 416 00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:47,705 I just came in here, and it smelled like Shakespeare, 417 00:15:47,789 --> 00:15:49,999 if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy. 418 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:53,461 And hawk's nests, and boat fuel, and cigars and burping… 419 00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:55,046 - Man stuff! - Okay. Yeah, yeah. 420 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,214 - Thank you. - Yeah. 421 00:15:56,297 --> 00:15:57,524 - I appreciate you. - Yeah. Sure. 422 00:15:57,548 --> 00:16:00,802 Hey, Russell, why are you being so nice to me? 423 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:02,804 You're Jess' friend, right? 424 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:05,932 You fold that sweater. 425 00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:08,101 Don't hang it. You listening to me? Fold it. 426 00:16:09,227 --> 00:16:11,688 Ah, I don't care. Do whatever you want. 427 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,481 That was really funny, man! 428 00:16:13,564 --> 00:16:14,857 Why did I… 429 00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:22,573 Bidet if I do. 430 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,998 Yup, yup, yup. 431 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,666 Oh, my God! 432 00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:35,211 - Oh, my gosh. Shut up. - Jess, is that you? 433 00:16:35,336 --> 00:16:37,755 - Oh, God! Oh, God. - What's wrong? 434 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:39,757 Sorry, Jess. I'm coming in. 435 00:16:39,841 --> 00:16:40,985 - Oh, my God. - What's going on? 436 00:16:41,009 --> 00:16:43,136 - Oh, my God! I just… - Wait, wait, wait. 437 00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,054 - Ow! - No, I just pressed some buttons 438 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,157 - with cartoon characters on them. - Yeah, it's Japanese. 439 00:16:47,181 --> 00:16:49,392 Of course it's a Japanese bidet. 440 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:50,977 Of course you have a Japanese bidet. 441 00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:52,854 Look, Russell, I want to tell you 442 00:16:52,937 --> 00:16:54,897 that I am not sorry about what I said 443 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:57,734 because Sarah is 12, and she is creative, 444 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,378 and I don't care if you pull your donation, 445 00:16:59,402 --> 00:17:00,737 I am not gonna grovel… 446 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,500 Why'd you think I was going to pull the donation? I'd never do that. 447 00:17:03,906 --> 00:17:06,034 Okay. 448 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,785 Oh, jeez. 449 00:17:07,869 --> 00:17:09,429 You did some really deep cleaning here. 450 00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:10,663 - Oh, God. - No, Jess, Jess! 451 00:17:10,747 --> 00:17:11,748 - Wait! - Oh! 452 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:14,208 Jess, you put it up to six happy faces. 453 00:17:14,292 --> 00:17:16,753 I've never gone past three. 454 00:17:19,714 --> 00:17:21,632 Jess, why are we leaving? 455 00:17:21,716 --> 00:17:23,259 And why are you all wet? 456 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,928 Okay, did you take a bath in his tub because you wanted to see 457 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,332 what it'd feel like to be him? 'Cause, weirdly, I get that. 458 00:17:28,389 --> 00:17:29,641 No. I want to leave 459 00:17:29,724 --> 00:17:31,726 because we don't fit in here, Nick. 460 00:17:31,809 --> 00:17:33,746 I know I've been saying you can't give into this guy, 461 00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:35,938 but I don't think that you should run from him, either. 462 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:39,192 'Cause no matter where you go, he could find you. 463 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,610 I believe that. 464 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,111 No, running's good. I'm gonna run. 465 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,906 Hey, Jess, stop. Look, this may complicate things, 466 00:17:46,074 --> 00:17:47,158 but I'm in love with him. 467 00:17:47,241 --> 00:17:48,743 - Shut up! - No, I won't shut up. 468 00:17:48,826 --> 00:17:50,495 He smells like strong coffee 469 00:17:50,578 --> 00:17:52,205 and going to see a man about a horse. 470 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:53,998 You're ridiculous, Nick. Let's go. 471 00:17:54,082 --> 00:17:56,501 I am ridiculous, okay, but no. 472 00:17:56,793 --> 00:17:57,794 Be a grown-up. 473 00:18:00,505 --> 00:18:01,964 He likes you, Jess. 474 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,218 Go back in there. 475 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:06,552 It'd be good for you. 476 00:18:08,846 --> 00:18:10,966 I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. 477 00:18:12,016 --> 00:18:13,685 Just do it. 478 00:18:15,937 --> 00:18:18,022 Don't be intimidated just because you're younger, 479 00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:20,400 poorer and wetter than everybody in there. 480 00:18:20,608 --> 00:18:22,318 Goldfinger! I mean, no, no. 481 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,945 I meant to say Golden Hind! 482 00:18:24,028 --> 00:18:25,339 Golden Hind is what I meant to say. 483 00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:26,614 - No… - Winston, 484 00:18:26,698 --> 00:18:28,074 you are all over the place. 485 00:18:28,157 --> 00:18:31,035 The Green Bay Packers did not invent the T-formation, 486 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,246 nor was Crispin Glover the first man to die 487 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:34,640 - in the Revolutionary War. - Shh. 488 00:18:34,664 --> 00:18:36,684 - This is supposed to be fun. - Look, babe, it is fun. 489 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:38,519 I don't wanna look stupid in front of everybody. 490 00:18:38,543 --> 00:18:39,770 - All right? - You're not stupid. 491 00:18:39,794 --> 00:18:41,034 Well, I mean, he did skip Earth 492 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,338 when listing the planets. 493 00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:43,965 What has gotten into you today? 494 00:18:44,966 --> 00:18:47,593 I just didn't want you to think I was an idiot. 495 00:18:47,677 --> 00:18:51,556 You tried to memorize all the trivia answers? Winston! 496 00:18:51,639 --> 00:18:53,808 I don't want some smart, 497 00:18:53,891 --> 00:18:56,936 rich guy who owns his own car. 498 00:18:57,020 --> 00:18:59,605 I want to be with you. 499 00:19:00,189 --> 00:19:03,401 I don't care if you don't know Ernest Hemingway's birthplace. 500 00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:05,111 Oak Park, Illinois. 501 00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:08,906 So, what are you saying? 502 00:19:09,324 --> 00:19:10,950 Are we doing this? Is this real? 503 00:19:11,034 --> 00:19:12,535 Like, are you my girlfriend? 504 00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:14,054 Because if that's what you're saying, 505 00:19:14,078 --> 00:19:15,222 that would make me very happy. 506 00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:16,956 Mmm. Me, too. 507 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,169 Shelby, be careful with his mustache, please. 508 00:19:21,252 --> 00:19:22,962 - Mmm. - It's very delicate. 509 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,923 I can't watch this anymore. 510 00:19:26,007 --> 00:19:27,925 Winston, I hope you're better in bed 511 00:19:28,009 --> 00:19:30,887 because your street work is embarrassing. 512 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,681 Am I talking too much? I don't want to ruin the moment. 513 00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:36,517 You know what? If this was my grandmother's building, 514 00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:37,894 she'd be outside on the patio, 515 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,188 and she'd be yelling down at you, and she'd be saying, 516 00:19:40,271 --> 00:19:41,397 "You look beautiful." 517 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,816 "The two of you are a beautiful couple." 518 00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,110 "I'm glad you found one another." 519 00:19:46,194 --> 00:19:48,905 But she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist. 520 00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,242 You want me to put on some Jodeci? 521 00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:58,331 Hey. There you are. I was looking for you. 522 00:19:58,665 --> 00:19:59,916 Okay… 523 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,459 - Listen. - Uh-huh. 524 00:20:01,793 --> 00:20:04,587 I'm not used to people who have it all together. 525 00:20:05,129 --> 00:20:07,840 I think… you scare me. 526 00:20:07,924 --> 00:20:09,258 Oh, no, no, I don't… 527 00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:11,552 I don't have it all together. 528 00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:13,388 I don't even know how to talk to my own kid. 529 00:20:13,471 --> 00:20:15,074 I can't remember the last time she hugged me 530 00:20:15,098 --> 00:20:16,307 and used both arms. 531 00:20:16,766 --> 00:20:18,726 She said she wanted to go bra shopping, 532 00:20:18,810 --> 00:20:20,186 so I bought her a ski vest. 533 00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:23,648 Look, every eye-roll 534 00:20:24,565 --> 00:20:26,025 means you're doing something right. 535 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,652 - Really? - No, that's just what 536 00:20:27,735 --> 00:20:29,737 I tell parents to make them feel better. 537 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,281 Jess, will you have dinner with me? 538 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,786 Yes. 539 00:20:37,161 --> 00:20:38,663 Great. Good. 540 00:20:40,164 --> 00:20:41,165 Sh… 541 00:20:41,499 --> 00:20:43,251 Should I, um, text you, or… 542 00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:45,253 - No. I'll call. - Great. 543 00:20:45,962 --> 00:20:47,422 - Okay, cool. - All right, cool. 544 00:20:47,505 --> 00:20:51,175 Oh, no… Hey, Jess. 545 00:20:51,259 --> 00:20:53,177 Jess, why are you in the koi pond? 546 00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:54,846 - Jess, are you okay? - Oh, God. 547 00:20:54,929 --> 00:20:56,139 - Come here. - Oh, God! 548 00:20:56,264 --> 00:20:57,724 - Koi in my dress! - Let me help you. 549 00:20:57,807 --> 00:20:58,975 Koi in my dress! 550 00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:00,268 You all right? 551 00:21:00,351 --> 00:21:01,728 Oh, you got a fish in your dress. 552 00:21:01,936 --> 00:21:03,813 I didn't ask you! I'm talking to you! 553 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,274 You want to come in here and charge me $1,000,000,000? 554 00:21:06,357 --> 00:21:09,152 That's nothing to me! 555 00:21:10,862 --> 00:21:13,072 You want it? You want it? 556 00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:15,158 You're off the streets. 557 00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:16,534 I don't want to, either. 558 00:21:16,617 --> 00:21:18,161 You're the best cop I got! 559 00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:19,954 This is President Miller of Earth. 560 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,123 I'd like to speak to the galactic emperor, please. 561 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:24,751 Yeah, it's about money. 562 00:21:24,876 --> 00:21:26,878 I'm gonna push a piece of paper across the desk 563 00:21:26,961 --> 00:21:28,880 that I've written a little number on. 564 00:21:28,963 --> 00:21:31,424 Why don't I just tell you? It's five kabillion dollars. 565 00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:35,386 So, what do you say? Is China mine, Mr. Ying?