1 00:00:08,380 --> 00:00:11,050 Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom 2 00:00:11,133 --> 00:00:12,426 Tony the Tiger style. 3 00:00:12,510 --> 00:00:14,261 - Naked with a kerchief? - What? 4 00:00:14,386 --> 00:00:15,471 Naked with a kerchief. 5 00:00:15,554 --> 00:00:18,808 No, what do you call top, no pants? 6 00:00:18,891 --> 00:00:21,161 - Like Winnie the Pooh or Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog. 7 00:00:21,185 --> 00:00:22,853 - There's Donald the Duck. - Pretty much 8 00:00:22,937 --> 00:00:24,230 any kind of bear except for Yogi 9 00:00:24,313 --> 00:00:26,690 - 'cause that's naked with a tie. - Alvin, Simon, Theodore. 10 00:00:26,774 --> 00:00:28,818 I saw his entire butt. 11 00:00:28,901 --> 00:00:30,611 Look, Dirk's a good guy. 12 00:00:30,694 --> 00:00:32,414 He was my roommate when I was in law school. 13 00:00:32,488 --> 00:00:34,949 - Smartest guy I know. - So, he's a lawyer? 14 00:00:35,032 --> 00:00:36,760 No, he's not a lawyer, but he has a law degree, 15 00:00:36,784 --> 00:00:38,678 a business degree, and a master's in Agriculture. 16 00:00:38,702 --> 00:00:40,830 He's kind of like a degree collector. 17 00:00:40,913 --> 00:00:42,623 He's got his PhD in poetry, so… 18 00:00:42,706 --> 00:00:44,375 That sucks for poems. 19 00:00:44,458 --> 00:00:45,835 How'd it go with Fancyman? 20 00:00:45,918 --> 00:00:47,837 It was an amazing first date, 21 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,506 except for one awkward part at the end. 22 00:00:50,589 --> 00:00:53,551 I don't go on dates very often. 23 00:00:53,634 --> 00:00:56,470 Guys my age always want to skip the date 24 00:00:56,554 --> 00:00:58,431 and just go right for the gold. 25 00:00:58,514 --> 00:01:01,559 Which I don't give them 26 00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:03,227 because I'm stingy with my gold. 27 00:01:03,519 --> 00:01:05,396 Unless they dig for it. 28 00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:10,568 I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet. 29 00:01:10,651 --> 00:01:12,903 Oh, hi. 30 00:01:18,576 --> 00:01:20,411 Black Sedan? 31 00:01:20,703 --> 00:01:21,829 Uh, yeah. 32 00:01:22,204 --> 00:01:23,581 What? 33 00:01:24,373 --> 00:01:26,167 So, he patted me on the back. 34 00:01:26,292 --> 00:01:29,837 I thought I'd at least get a front pat. Whoo-ha! 35 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,297 What? 36 00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:32,548 Look, 37 00:01:32,631 --> 00:01:33,775 he probably just got nervous. 38 00:01:33,799 --> 00:01:35,509 No, Russell's never nervous. 39 00:01:35,593 --> 00:01:36,594 That's the worst answer. 40 00:01:36,677 --> 00:01:38,345 Winston, what do you think? 41 00:01:38,471 --> 00:01:40,431 Oh, thank God. Hey, what's up, baby? 42 00:01:40,514 --> 00:01:41,682 - Ooh. - Hey, is that Shelby? 43 00:01:43,642 --> 00:01:44,852 - What was that? - A cat sound. 44 00:01:44,935 --> 00:01:46,771 - Oh, you did the whip, we should've… - Yes. 45 00:01:46,854 --> 00:01:48,454 - Guys! - Should have been the other way. 46 00:01:48,522 --> 00:01:49,774 Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece. 47 00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:52,485 But next time you guys want advice about girls, 48 00:01:52,568 --> 00:01:54,111 don't come crawling to me. 49 00:01:54,195 --> 00:01:55,547 - You got it. Yeah. - That sounds good. 50 00:01:55,571 --> 00:01:57,782 No, that was a joke, I love it when 51 00:01:57,865 --> 00:02:00,093 you guys ask me stuff. It makes me feel really important. 52 00:02:00,117 --> 00:02:01,952 - And I love it when… - "One shade the more, 53 00:02:02,119 --> 00:02:03,537 "one ray the less," 54 00:02:03,621 --> 00:02:06,082 "had half impaired the nameless grace." 55 00:02:06,165 --> 00:02:08,084 Are you wearing a ladies' scarf? 56 00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,519 Come to my lecture tomorrow night. 57 00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:11,128 Absolutely not. 58 00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:13,964 She's missing out, my man. 59 00:02:14,048 --> 00:02:15,132 - Hey, Schmidt? - Yeah? 60 00:02:15,216 --> 00:02:17,027 Can I use your car to take Shelby to the airport? 61 00:02:17,051 --> 00:02:18,677 Oh, I don't have a car, Winston. 62 00:02:18,761 --> 00:02:22,598 Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh, 63 00:02:22,681 --> 00:02:23,766 "Man-bulance?" 64 00:02:23,849 --> 00:02:25,660 The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready 65 00:02:25,684 --> 00:02:27,644 for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday. 66 00:02:27,686 --> 00:02:29,706 That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle 67 00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:30,957 all of Shelby's luggage anyway. 68 00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:32,918 - Ooh… - What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? 69 00:02:32,942 --> 00:02:35,319 The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys. 70 00:02:35,402 --> 00:02:37,988 It has the towing capacity of 1,000 Shelbys. 71 00:02:38,072 --> 00:02:40,491 You know what? Here you go, Winston. There you go. 72 00:02:40,574 --> 00:02:42,034 - Enjoy luxury. - All good, man. 73 00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,911 I got your second set, so thank you. 74 00:02:43,994 --> 00:02:45,388 How'd you get my second set of keys? 75 00:02:45,412 --> 00:02:46,723 Hey, someone left your door open. 76 00:02:46,747 --> 00:02:48,749 Someone left your face beautiful. 77 00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:50,793 Who is that? 78 00:02:50,918 --> 00:02:53,462 Apparently, his name is Dirk. 79 00:02:54,713 --> 00:02:57,133 Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody. 80 00:02:57,216 --> 00:02:59,760 But should that stop you from seeing this? 81 00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:01,303 Yeah! 82 00:03:01,387 --> 00:03:03,222 - That's awesome. - Does he keep you happy? 83 00:03:03,305 --> 00:03:04,640 He does what he's told. 84 00:03:04,723 --> 00:03:06,142 Yeah. 85 00:03:06,308 --> 00:03:08,268 So you're the boss and he's your little secretary? 86 00:03:08,310 --> 00:03:09,562 Oh, 87 00:03:09,979 --> 00:03:11,647 you're a sex-cretary? 88 00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:13,524 I am definitely the boss. 89 00:03:14,775 --> 00:03:16,694 Sex-cretary, he just made that up. 90 00:03:16,777 --> 00:03:18,320 Who's that girl? 91 00:03:18,404 --> 00:03:19,697 Who's that girl? 92 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:20,948 Who's that girl? 93 00:03:21,031 --> 00:03:22,032 Who's that girl? 94 00:03:22,116 --> 00:03:23,117 It's Jess! 95 00:03:23,742 --> 00:03:25,661 I hate bachelorette parties. 96 00:03:25,744 --> 00:03:28,080 I have, like, 50 different penis items in my carry-on. 97 00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:29,540 If this plane goes down, 98 00:03:29,623 --> 00:03:30,684 there's gonna be some sharks 99 00:03:30,708 --> 00:03:32,084 doing really weird stuff. 100 00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:33,808 Sharks? I thought you were going to Vegas? 101 00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:35,397 No, Mexico. I thought I told you that. 102 00:03:35,421 --> 00:03:36,505 Mmm-mmm. 103 00:03:36,589 --> 00:03:37,899 Well, if you don't want me to go, 104 00:03:37,923 --> 00:03:39,383 I don't have to go. 105 00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:41,510 No, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to go. 106 00:03:41,594 --> 00:03:42,762 It'll be good, you know? 107 00:03:42,845 --> 00:03:44,405 We spent the last five nights together. 108 00:03:44,472 --> 00:03:46,557 I mean, you know, we both could use some space. 109 00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:49,769 Right. 110 00:03:52,062 --> 00:03:54,106 - Did I say something wrong? - What? 111 00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:57,735 I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you across all the space. 112 00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:01,781 Hey! 113 00:04:01,947 --> 00:04:04,241 Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower. 114 00:04:04,325 --> 00:04:07,661 Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid 10 minutes. 115 00:04:07,745 --> 00:04:09,121 Eat this granola bar first. 116 00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:11,916 I want to try something called the horse trough. 117 00:04:13,626 --> 00:04:14,710 No, Cece. 118 00:04:14,794 --> 00:04:16,545 I'm not having sex with you right now. 119 00:04:16,629 --> 00:04:18,273 I have to get everybody in the company's name 120 00:04:18,297 --> 00:04:19,858 into a version of We Didn't Start the Fire. 121 00:04:19,882 --> 00:04:21,342 Totally fine. What do you need, 122 00:04:21,425 --> 00:04:23,511 - like, 20 minutes? - Cece, 123 00:04:23,594 --> 00:04:25,763 this… Okay, this is real work 124 00:04:25,846 --> 00:04:28,766 for my real boss who is not you. 125 00:04:28,891 --> 00:04:32,186 Oh, I get what's happening here. 126 00:04:32,853 --> 00:04:36,398 It's 'cause ponytail called you a "sex receptionist." 127 00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:38,859 A sex receptionist answers calls all day. 128 00:04:38,943 --> 00:04:41,946 A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, 129 00:04:42,029 --> 00:04:43,697 basically runs the office. 130 00:04:43,781 --> 00:04:44,865 So, first of all, 131 00:04:44,949 --> 00:04:46,826 thank you for the demotion. 132 00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:48,160 And second of all, I quit. 133 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,662 So, I'll see you tonight. 134 00:04:49,745 --> 00:04:51,372 Did you not hear anything I just said? 135 00:04:51,455 --> 00:04:54,750 Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear, 136 00:04:54,834 --> 00:04:58,504 but do you know who didn't happen to hear you? 137 00:04:58,587 --> 00:05:00,464 What are you doing? Don't… Don't… 138 00:05:00,548 --> 00:05:01,632 Don't involve them. 139 00:05:01,715 --> 00:05:04,051 - Oh, my… - They just didn't hear. 140 00:05:04,176 --> 00:05:05,237 Don't bring them into this. 141 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:06,512 Don't tell me. 142 00:05:06,595 --> 00:05:07,763 Tell them. 143 00:05:08,889 --> 00:05:09,890 Damn it. 144 00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,686 Hi. 145 00:05:13,769 --> 00:05:16,605 Hi, guys. Uh, Harold, Kumar, 146 00:05:16,689 --> 00:05:18,107 I love you… I love you both. 147 00:05:18,190 --> 00:05:19,859 All the zany adventures we've had. 148 00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:24,738 But we can't go to White Castle today. Just can't do it. 149 00:05:24,864 --> 00:05:25,990 You're serious about this? 150 00:05:26,949 --> 00:05:28,033 Cece? 151 00:05:28,117 --> 00:05:29,702 Is Schmidt bothering you? 152 00:05:29,785 --> 00:05:31,287 This is not over. 153 00:05:31,370 --> 00:05:32,413 Okay? 154 00:05:33,414 --> 00:05:36,041 Was it like a caress or like a… like a pat? 155 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:38,169 No, like a pat, it was distinctly a pat, 156 00:05:38,252 --> 00:05:39,479 and it was actually kind of hot. 157 00:05:39,503 --> 00:05:40,783 The man knows how to pat a back. 158 00:05:40,838 --> 00:05:42,214 At any point during the night, 159 00:05:42,381 --> 00:05:44,800 did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation? 160 00:05:44,884 --> 00:05:47,052 - Maybe. - Once or twice. 161 00:05:47,136 --> 00:05:49,013 No, stop, it freaks me out and you know. 162 00:05:49,096 --> 00:05:52,349 Well, what do I do? I really, really want to see him again, like, badly. 163 00:05:52,433 --> 00:05:54,602 - You just call him. - I can't. 164 00:05:54,685 --> 00:05:55,853 He's too sophisticated. 165 00:05:55,936 --> 00:05:57,688 He told me he'd run with the bulls, 166 00:05:57,772 --> 00:05:58,773 and I quote, 167 00:05:58,856 --> 00:06:00,941 "Not the touristy bulls in Pamplona." 168 00:06:01,066 --> 00:06:02,443 Big deal. Just call him. 169 00:06:02,526 --> 00:06:05,196 Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone, 170 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:07,948 she loses her power unless she's sexting, 171 00:06:08,032 --> 00:06:10,075 in which case, she gains a half power. 172 00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:11,595 Well, that's Schmidt just talking… 173 00:06:11,619 --> 00:06:12,953 I mean, what does Schmidt know? 174 00:06:13,037 --> 00:06:15,581 Look, all the guys that you live with, boys. 175 00:06:15,664 --> 00:06:18,793 You've only dated boys. Russell is a grown man, 176 00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:19,960 and I bet he likes women 177 00:06:20,044 --> 00:06:22,004 who know what they want and ask for it. 178 00:06:22,088 --> 00:06:24,965 He has a hot air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs. 179 00:06:25,049 --> 00:06:27,134 Okay, sweetheart, you are sophisticated. 180 00:06:27,218 --> 00:06:28,761 You've just got to pick up the phone, 181 00:06:28,844 --> 00:06:30,930 and you ask him out for dinner. 182 00:06:31,013 --> 00:06:32,893 You know what? You're right. I am sophisticated. 183 00:06:32,973 --> 00:06:34,558 I'm gonna do this. 184 00:06:35,101 --> 00:06:37,686 - What is that? - It's a phone. 185 00:06:37,770 --> 00:06:39,021 Oh, God. 186 00:06:41,816 --> 00:06:45,402 Thus ends our journey through the words of time. 187 00:06:45,486 --> 00:06:47,988 From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan, 188 00:06:48,072 --> 00:06:50,032 from Dylan to Dylan. 189 00:06:51,492 --> 00:06:53,202 They're both named Dylan. 190 00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:54,930 - Watch him bring it home, man. - Do I have to? 191 00:06:54,954 --> 00:06:56,330 "We have to rage." 192 00:06:56,414 --> 00:06:58,916 "Rage against the dying of the light." 193 00:06:58,999 --> 00:07:00,418 "And when the light" 194 00:07:00,501 --> 00:07:02,002 "is no longer bright." 195 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,469 "Don't think twice, it's all right." 196 00:07:11,429 --> 00:07:12,596 It's over. 197 00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:16,600 Smartest guy I know. 198 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:19,687 Professor? 199 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:21,355 - Professor? - Yeah? 200 00:07:21,439 --> 00:07:24,608 We wanted to remind you about the post-lecture wine and cheese event. 201 00:07:24,692 --> 00:07:26,235 A soiree, eh? 202 00:07:26,318 --> 00:07:27,736 Super classy. 203 00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,698 Crackers, bubbles, crab, hummus. 204 00:07:30,781 --> 00:07:32,616 Yeah, I… I emailed you about that. 205 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:34,618 - That was me. - Oh, sometimes when I get 206 00:07:34,702 --> 00:07:35,870 a really long email… 207 00:07:38,539 --> 00:07:39,749 I don't read it. 208 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,126 Bye. 209 00:07:43,836 --> 00:07:45,129 Oh, mommy. 210 00:07:45,212 --> 00:07:46,964 All right, Dirk, what about Deb? 211 00:07:47,047 --> 00:07:48,591 You guys having problems or something? 212 00:07:48,674 --> 00:07:50,634 No, no, no, everything's fine. 213 00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:52,636 She left me and moved out of the house. 214 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,181 I guess it was "too hard to support me." 215 00:07:55,723 --> 00:07:56,974 "Financially." 216 00:07:57,057 --> 00:07:59,310 It's all fine, her leaving has allowed me to realize 217 00:07:59,393 --> 00:08:01,312 the one thing that was missing in my life. 218 00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:04,023 - Scarves? - Undergraduate ladies. 219 00:08:04,106 --> 00:08:05,858 You see, girls our age, what do they want? 220 00:08:05,941 --> 00:08:07,985 They want us to wed them, sire their children. 221 00:08:08,068 --> 00:08:10,362 - They want you to have a bedframe. - Right, yeah. 222 00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:12,048 Mmm-hmm? They want you to eat off plates, 223 00:08:12,072 --> 00:08:13,491 but girls in college, 224 00:08:13,574 --> 00:08:14,617 all they want you to do 225 00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:17,995 is tell them that their photography has potential. 226 00:08:18,078 --> 00:08:20,223 But don't they want to hang out with guys their own age? 227 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:22,059 Have you hung out with a 20-year-old dude lately? 228 00:08:22,083 --> 00:08:24,794 Trust me, they are setting the bar very, very low. 229 00:08:24,877 --> 00:08:25,937 - Right. - They haven't even 230 00:08:25,961 --> 00:08:27,064 gone through their gay phase. 231 00:08:27,088 --> 00:08:28,607 I'm gonna give Shelby a call real quick. 232 00:08:28,631 --> 00:08:30,233 Check on her, see if everything's all right. 233 00:08:30,257 --> 00:08:32,259 - Sounds good, man. - What, dude, relax, okay? 234 00:08:32,343 --> 00:08:34,178 I just said we're gonna give each other space, 235 00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:35,805 doesn't mean I can't call her, right, 236 00:08:35,888 --> 00:08:38,516 to see if anything funny happened on the plane. 237 00:08:38,599 --> 00:08:39,999 You know what "space" means, right? 238 00:08:40,059 --> 00:08:41,936 That's space to have sex with other people. 239 00:08:42,019 --> 00:08:43,979 No, space means you go to Mexico, 240 00:08:44,063 --> 00:08:46,232 and you do not have sex with other people. 241 00:08:46,315 --> 00:08:47,608 Watch this. 242 00:08:47,691 --> 00:08:49,819 Nick, don't give me any space. 243 00:08:49,902 --> 00:08:51,028 You got it, my man. 244 00:08:51,112 --> 00:08:52,905 See, this makes it pretty hard 245 00:08:52,988 --> 00:08:55,116 for you and I to have sex right now, doesn't it? 246 00:08:55,199 --> 00:08:56,617 Now, Nick, I want you 247 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,136 - to give me some space. - You got it. 248 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,788 All this space allows me opportunity 249 00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:02,540 to have as much sex as we want. 250 00:09:02,623 --> 00:09:04,223 - Smartest guy I know. - See how much sex 251 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:06,419 - we could be having? - That… That does not… 252 00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:09,296 Get out of my way, bookworms! 253 00:09:09,422 --> 00:09:11,799 You ready to make love to some college chicks? 254 00:09:11,882 --> 00:09:13,717 Hey, when's the last time you had mono? 255 00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:15,094 I don't know. 256 00:09:15,177 --> 00:09:16,804 Tomorrow, you're gonna say yesterday. 257 00:09:18,013 --> 00:09:20,015 I have that team-building research 258 00:09:20,099 --> 00:09:22,977 - you asked for, Mr. Schmidt. - Huh? 259 00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:25,438 What are you wearing? 260 00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:27,523 I don't… I don't know. 261 00:09:27,606 --> 00:09:28,649 I mean, I found this 262 00:09:28,732 --> 00:09:30,526 at the lost and found at the gym. 263 00:09:30,609 --> 00:09:33,946 I'm not really sure how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be. 264 00:09:34,029 --> 00:09:35,406 I've never had to do this. 265 00:09:35,489 --> 00:09:37,199 I've never had to seduce somebody before. 266 00:09:37,283 --> 00:09:38,826 If you're gonna seduce me, 267 00:09:38,909 --> 00:09:41,620 don't dress up like my Aunt Freida at seder. 268 00:09:41,704 --> 00:09:43,956 Come on, okay? 269 00:09:44,039 --> 00:09:45,875 I will do anything, 270 00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:48,294 and I'll do it anywhere. 271 00:09:48,377 --> 00:09:49,378 All right? 272 00:09:51,172 --> 00:09:53,424 Even fantasy location 273 00:09:53,507 --> 00:09:55,301 number three? 274 00:09:56,343 --> 00:09:57,470 Okay. 275 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,184 Um, how good are the Beatles? 276 00:10:03,350 --> 00:10:05,019 Beatles are the best. 277 00:10:05,102 --> 00:10:06,854 Were you so upset when they broke up? 278 00:10:07,062 --> 00:10:08,981 I would have been, but I was one. 279 00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:14,278 Well, you're not one anymore. 280 00:10:16,489 --> 00:10:18,032 How's your prostate? 281 00:10:18,115 --> 00:10:20,034 - Uh… - I had my breast exam last week, 282 00:10:20,117 --> 00:10:22,953 and, like, they're fine. It's just boob in there, 283 00:10:23,037 --> 00:10:25,164 but we have to be careful. 284 00:10:25,414 --> 00:10:26,832 Our bodies are decaying. 285 00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:29,543 Are you okay? You seem strange. 286 00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:32,046 Why didn't we kiss the other night? Sorry. 287 00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:36,342 I'm sorry. 288 00:10:36,425 --> 00:10:38,427 - No, it's fine. - Oh. 289 00:10:38,511 --> 00:10:39,720 - What? - Hey, I, uh… 290 00:10:39,804 --> 00:10:41,615 - Is everything okay? Oh. - I got to go. Mmm-hmm. 291 00:10:41,639 --> 00:10:43,557 - This ought to take care of the dinner. - Yeah. 292 00:10:43,641 --> 00:10:44,809 Okay? 293 00:10:46,227 --> 00:10:47,812 Oh, I cannot believe I almost left 294 00:10:47,895 --> 00:10:49,230 without, um… 295 00:10:49,313 --> 00:10:50,314 Here, there's cab fare. 296 00:10:50,397 --> 00:10:51,774 - Get home safe. - Oh. 297 00:10:57,071 --> 00:10:58,465 Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? 298 00:10:58,489 --> 00:10:59,949 I don't want anyone to have space. 299 00:11:00,032 --> 00:11:01,951 I want to be standing right in front of you. 300 00:11:02,034 --> 00:11:03,410 I want the air that you breathe 301 00:11:03,494 --> 00:11:05,996 to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. 302 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,165 I want to just be passing air back and forth 303 00:11:08,249 --> 00:11:10,185 between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide 304 00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:11,919 and then we both pass out and die. 305 00:11:17,049 --> 00:11:18,384 No flights. 306 00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,886 Hey, Schmidt, do you mind if I borrow your car again? 307 00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:22,656 "Of course you can, Winston. You're so great." 308 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,014 Thank you! 309 00:11:42,450 --> 00:11:43,576 Nope. 310 00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:45,035 Hey, my name's Nicholas. 311 00:11:45,119 --> 00:11:46,287 Nick, Nick. 312 00:11:47,329 --> 00:11:49,623 Buddy, nobody ever regretted throwing an after-party. 313 00:11:49,707 --> 00:11:50,833 Oh, I do. 314 00:11:50,916 --> 00:11:52,251 Dirk, I feel so old here. 315 00:11:52,376 --> 00:11:54,086 Is calling a girl "shorty" still cool? 316 00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,022 We got to find your angle with these college girls. 317 00:11:56,046 --> 00:11:58,424 Your hook, your panty-melter. 318 00:11:58,507 --> 00:12:01,260 Usually, my hook is that it's closing time, and I'm there. 319 00:12:01,343 --> 00:12:03,345 You were a panty-melting icon in law school. 320 00:12:03,429 --> 00:12:05,097 If panties were snowmen, 321 00:12:05,181 --> 00:12:07,475 you were March, bro. 322 00:12:10,186 --> 00:12:11,187 Hey. 323 00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:12,772 - Don't do this. - Skyler, Miriam, 324 00:12:12,855 --> 00:12:14,916 - come here for a second. - Don't humiliate me, Dirk. 325 00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,060 How cool is my friend, Nick? 326 00:12:16,108 --> 00:12:17,234 Are you a professor, too? 327 00:12:17,318 --> 00:12:19,236 No, no, no, I'm a bartender. 328 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,739 Thirty years old, I don't have health insurance. 329 00:12:21,822 --> 00:12:23,949 You know how to make drinks? 330 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,618 Panty-melter. 331 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,870 Do I know how to make drinks, did you say? 332 00:12:27,953 --> 00:12:29,622 Yeah, like alcoholic drinks? 333 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:31,040 Yeah, I do that professionally. 334 00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:33,209 You could get me drunk professionally? 335 00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,960 Are you a cop? 336 00:12:35,086 --> 00:12:36,253 Sometimes. 337 00:12:36,337 --> 00:12:38,297 Do you have identification on you? 338 00:12:47,306 --> 00:12:51,102 I gotta call Jenna and tell her I'm making out with a bartender. 339 00:12:51,185 --> 00:12:53,187 Five nights a week. 340 00:12:53,312 --> 00:12:56,107 Jess, you made it to the party! 341 00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,650 What's going on? Why is the cast 342 00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:00,194 of The Social Network in our apartment? 343 00:13:00,277 --> 00:13:01,779 Dirk is a genius! 344 00:13:01,862 --> 00:13:04,490 Twenty-year-old girls, they think I'm awesome! 345 00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:06,033 And look at 'em! 346 00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:07,868 They don't know what Saved by the Bell is 347 00:13:07,952 --> 00:13:09,370 and they've never felt pain. 348 00:13:10,621 --> 00:13:12,957 I'm Skyler's Fancyman! 349 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,041 Can you believe it? 350 00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:15,435 Where's your Fancyman? Where is he? 351 00:13:15,459 --> 00:13:17,420 I don't know. It's horrible. He left, 352 00:13:17,503 --> 00:13:22,216 then he gave me $100 for a cab! And you know what? 353 00:13:22,299 --> 00:13:24,468 I'm gonna use the remaining $90 354 00:13:24,552 --> 00:13:26,846 to get out of here and start a new life. 355 00:13:26,929 --> 00:13:28,305 It's been nice knowing you. 356 00:13:28,389 --> 00:13:29,432 Hey! 357 00:13:29,515 --> 00:13:31,183 Hey! 358 00:13:31,308 --> 00:13:32,977 I'm gonna die alone! 359 00:13:33,102 --> 00:13:37,231 - Oh, no! - I am so, so sad right now. 360 00:13:37,565 --> 00:13:39,525 My heart hurts! 361 00:13:39,817 --> 00:13:42,653 You want Nick to make you a bayberry breeze? 'Cause he is so smart. 362 00:13:42,736 --> 00:13:43,904 So smart. 363 00:13:43,988 --> 00:13:46,574 Yes, I do. Yes, I do! 364 00:13:50,619 --> 00:13:52,621 This. 365 00:13:52,705 --> 00:13:55,541 I'm not happy! Thirty sucks! 366 00:13:55,624 --> 00:13:58,461 Weird party move. 367 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:02,047 Just you and I… 368 00:14:02,131 --> 00:14:05,342 Defying gravity. 369 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:10,556 With you and I defying gravity… 370 00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:11,932 It's been two hours. 371 00:14:12,016 --> 00:14:13,309 This is officially crazy. 372 00:14:13,392 --> 00:14:14,894 Also, I have to go to the bathroom. 373 00:14:14,977 --> 00:14:16,270 Just pee yourself. 374 00:14:16,353 --> 00:14:17,646 So you'd rather sit in my urine 375 00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:18,981 for the rest of the car ride 376 00:14:19,064 --> 00:14:21,150 than admit to Winston that we're sleeping together? 377 00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:22,234 Yep, absolutely. 378 00:14:22,318 --> 00:14:24,111 Don't even have to think about it. 379 00:14:24,195 --> 00:14:26,822 I don't want to ruin what we have, okay? 380 00:14:26,906 --> 00:14:28,532 Because if people find out, 381 00:14:28,657 --> 00:14:30,451 they're gonna have a lot of questions, 382 00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,828 like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?" 383 00:14:32,912 --> 00:14:35,372 And, "Seriously, why?" 384 00:14:35,623 --> 00:14:37,249 You think we have something to ruin? 385 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:40,419 Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary. 386 00:14:40,503 --> 00:14:42,880 And I was wearing shoulder pads. 387 00:14:43,214 --> 00:14:45,174 So I obviously 388 00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:47,259 must like sleeping with you. 389 00:14:48,803 --> 00:14:50,471 A secre-tarty. 390 00:14:50,721 --> 00:14:53,307 Shut up. 391 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,895 This is pretty great. 392 00:14:58,729 --> 00:15:01,357 - I'm freezing, by the way. I'm so cold. - Yeah. 393 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,275 How are you not freezing? 394 00:15:03,359 --> 00:15:05,736 Does your brown skin retain heat? 395 00:15:05,820 --> 00:15:08,155 Instead of dreary who-you-were, or are. 396 00:15:08,239 --> 00:15:09,573 There's nothing that can stop you 397 00:15:09,657 --> 00:15:12,034 from becoming popular. 398 00:15:12,118 --> 00:15:13,536 Lar. 399 00:15:13,744 --> 00:15:15,704 La, la. 400 00:15:16,288 --> 00:15:18,457 La, ah-ah, ah… 401 00:15:21,585 --> 00:15:24,213 Take out your tampon and drink, Trevor! 402 00:15:24,296 --> 00:15:27,091 The flip queen has spoken! 403 00:15:27,174 --> 00:15:29,176 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 404 00:15:29,301 --> 00:15:30,469 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 405 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:34,473 Shelby. 406 00:15:34,557 --> 00:15:36,100 Babe, I don't want space. 407 00:15:36,183 --> 00:15:37,560 Neither do I! 408 00:15:37,643 --> 00:15:39,687 That's why I'm at your apartment. 409 00:15:39,770 --> 00:15:43,232 - I got on a plane. I wanted to see you. - What? 410 00:15:43,315 --> 00:15:45,943 Babe, look, I'm in Mexico. I came to see you. 411 00:15:46,026 --> 00:15:48,070 - Are you serious? - I miss you, Shelby. 412 00:15:48,154 --> 00:15:51,532 You're so sexy, girl. In or out of the wig. 413 00:15:51,615 --> 00:15:53,659 I don't care. Shelby, 414 00:15:53,742 --> 00:15:55,369 you make me feel so brave, babe, 415 00:15:55,453 --> 00:15:57,746 and I've never felt like this about anybody else before. 416 00:15:58,456 --> 00:15:59,582 I love you. 417 00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:03,210 And I carry your soul-song with me wherever I go. 418 00:16:03,419 --> 00:16:04,503 I love you, too. 419 00:16:04,587 --> 00:16:06,589 I'm coming back, baby. No space! 420 00:16:09,383 --> 00:16:11,143 Are you traveling with any non-U.S. citizens? 421 00:16:13,554 --> 00:16:15,264 You actually catch people with that line? 422 00:16:17,016 --> 00:16:19,435 No, sir, just me and my American heart 423 00:16:19,769 --> 00:16:21,270 full of love. 424 00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:24,565 Then how do you explain 425 00:16:26,233 --> 00:16:27,485 this? 426 00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:31,697 - I can't, sir. - Mmm-hmm. 427 00:16:34,116 --> 00:16:37,703 No one in the entire world can explain that. 428 00:16:42,124 --> 00:16:44,335 I am so tall! 429 00:16:45,002 --> 00:16:48,005 I feel like a Chinese basketball player. 430 00:16:48,130 --> 00:16:49,173 Russell? 431 00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,346 Oh. 432 00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,228 Hey, Jess. 433 00:17:02,311 --> 00:17:03,687 I'm not Jess. 434 00:17:03,854 --> 00:17:07,316 I'm her cousin… Sylvia? 435 00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,319 Are you doing okay? 436 00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:12,446 I want a donut. 437 00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:14,532 Then let's get you a donut. 438 00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:17,576 Please. 439 00:17:18,369 --> 00:17:21,122 I want to talk to you. Alone. 440 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,293 Well, this is a fun group. 441 00:17:26,377 --> 00:17:28,658 Hmm. Can you drop me off at my dorm? It's called Hamilton. 442 00:17:29,088 --> 00:17:31,257 I'd like to vomit now. 443 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,347 Yes! 444 00:17:40,558 --> 00:17:42,935 I've never jumped out of a moving car before! 445 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,603 That was badass! 446 00:17:44,687 --> 00:17:46,021 - Hey, uh, kiddo. - Okay. 447 00:17:46,105 --> 00:17:48,816 - That's the road. You want the woods. - What's up? 448 00:17:48,899 --> 00:17:50,379 I want the woods. You're smart, Russ. 449 00:17:50,693 --> 00:17:52,361 - Come here. - Hey, it was nothing. 450 00:17:52,445 --> 00:17:54,071 You're okay, Russ. 451 00:17:54,155 --> 00:17:56,824 Okay, we can hug some more later. 452 00:17:57,575 --> 00:17:59,118 This isn't her, you know. 453 00:17:59,577 --> 00:18:00,995 She's not like us. 454 00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:02,872 She's one of the good ones. 455 00:18:04,707 --> 00:18:07,084 Time to make the puke, Russell. 456 00:18:07,209 --> 00:18:09,170 So listen, man, it's… it's really 457 00:18:09,253 --> 00:18:12,339 important to us that our completely equal sexual relationship 458 00:18:12,423 --> 00:18:14,383 where neither one of us has the upper hand, 459 00:18:14,508 --> 00:18:15,718 uh, remain a secret, 460 00:18:15,801 --> 00:18:17,720 and while I respect the fact 461 00:18:17,803 --> 00:18:20,055 that you listen to Wicked while you're alone, 462 00:18:20,139 --> 00:18:22,933 I can use that information against you 463 00:18:23,559 --> 00:18:24,977 at any point in time. 464 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,621 By the way, there's a stop sign right up… 465 00:18:26,645 --> 00:18:27,772 Is that a stop sign? 466 00:18:27,855 --> 00:18:29,356 You probably want to slow down… 467 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,150 - Oh, my God. - Maybe it's a go sign. 468 00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:32,777 I don't think it's a go sign. 469 00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:34,820 Because if somebody like you 470 00:18:34,904 --> 00:18:37,782 is sleeping with somebody like her, 471 00:18:37,865 --> 00:18:39,909 then maybe the whole damn world is upside down! 472 00:18:39,992 --> 00:18:41,744 It's just what I'm thinking. 473 00:18:44,038 --> 00:18:45,372 And I want to talk to you. 474 00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:47,208 I want to have a chance to explain. 475 00:18:47,291 --> 00:18:50,669 That's okay. I understand. I just… I thought 476 00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:54,423 you wanted a sophisticated lady, but now I realize that 477 00:18:54,507 --> 00:18:59,136 you like dating younger girls 'cause we think you're cool. And you know what? 478 00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:01,180 It's working because 479 00:19:01,263 --> 00:19:03,766 I think you're a hottie with a body. 480 00:19:04,308 --> 00:19:06,685 Oh. Um… 481 00:19:07,978 --> 00:19:09,498 I got to tell you, I didn't ask you out 482 00:19:09,522 --> 00:19:10,707 because you're younger than me. 483 00:19:10,731 --> 00:19:12,131 I asked you out because I like you. 484 00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:16,654 But I… I've forgotten, really, how… How to do this, you know. 485 00:19:16,737 --> 00:19:20,074 I haven't dated since 1989 486 00:19:20,699 --> 00:19:23,536 when I took her to the picture show in my buggy. 487 00:19:23,619 --> 00:19:27,289 1989 was, my friend, 488 00:19:27,373 --> 00:19:30,376 the year that I learned to use the toaster by myself. 489 00:19:32,795 --> 00:19:35,005 The text I got at dinner was from my ex-wife. 490 00:19:35,089 --> 00:19:36,382 Sarah's with her this weekend, 491 00:19:36,465 --> 00:19:37,716 I didn't pack her inhaler. 492 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,176 She was having an asthma attack. 493 00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:40,845 - Is Sarah okay? - Yeah. 494 00:19:40,928 --> 00:19:43,347 Yeah. Thanks. I… I… 495 00:19:43,514 --> 00:19:45,891 I just feel like I should have explained. 496 00:19:45,975 --> 00:19:47,810 And I really wanted to kiss you 497 00:19:47,893 --> 00:19:49,395 - the other night. - Really? 498 00:19:49,478 --> 00:19:51,522 I wanted to do more than kiss you. 499 00:19:51,689 --> 00:19:53,315 I'd like to do you, at some point. 500 00:19:53,399 --> 00:19:54,984 Like, you know, really, 501 00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:57,862 really give it to you good. 502 00:19:57,945 --> 00:20:00,823 Uh, but I've forgotten how to tell 503 00:20:00,906 --> 00:20:02,450 whether it's the right moment. 504 00:20:03,325 --> 00:20:04,994 I was nervous. 505 00:20:05,077 --> 00:20:06,787 You were nervous? 506 00:20:07,121 --> 00:20:08,789 Nick was right. 507 00:20:09,582 --> 00:20:12,126 He can be really wise sometimes. 508 00:20:12,209 --> 00:20:13,878 Oh, my God, it's happening! 509 00:20:14,044 --> 00:20:16,505 It's coming! I think I'm dying! 510 00:20:16,630 --> 00:20:18,674 I feel scared and excited! 511 00:20:21,844 --> 00:20:23,554 What do you think? 512 00:20:23,637 --> 00:20:25,389 What do I think of what? 513 00:20:25,473 --> 00:20:27,224 Do you think now is the right moment? 514 00:20:27,308 --> 00:20:28,893 I think so. 515 00:20:28,976 --> 00:20:30,644 Okay. 516 00:20:30,728 --> 00:20:33,105 Get out of me, you poison! 517 00:20:36,358 --> 00:20:38,486 Wait. Is that your hand? 518 00:20:38,944 --> 00:20:40,821 No. 519 00:20:40,905 --> 00:20:42,406 That's my hand. 520 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:44,325 - Oh, my God! - You're welcome. 521 00:20:44,408 --> 00:20:45,785 Get out of here, Dirk! 522 00:20:45,868 --> 00:20:47,453 You get out of here… 523 00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:48,829 Come here. 524 00:20:56,128 --> 00:20:57,421 Hey! 525 00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:00,674 Oh, no! 526 00:21:01,050 --> 00:21:02,927 Where are you guys? 527 00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:08,974 Hello? 528 00:21:09,058 --> 00:21:10,309 Hey, where are you guys? 529 00:21:10,476 --> 00:21:12,686 Hey, could I have walked out into the mountains? 530 00:21:12,770 --> 00:21:16,065 When does a hill become a mountain? 531 00:21:16,148 --> 00:21:18,150 It just happened. 532 00:21:18,234 --> 00:21:19,860 I'm so cold. 533 00:21:19,944 --> 00:21:20,945 Who is this? 534 00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:28,244 Oh, my God, Dirk is dead! 535 00:21:29,411 --> 00:21:31,831 Dirk is dead! 536 00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:36,752 Smartest guy I knew.