1 00:00:06,495 --> 00:00:07,663 Are you ready to run? 2 00:00:07,746 --> 00:00:08,914 I have my playlist all ready. 3 00:00:08,998 --> 00:00:11,583 Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, 4 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:13,168 and she just filmed First Wives Club, 5 00:00:13,252 --> 00:00:14,670 and it's getting me pumped! 6 00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:16,714 I totally forgot we were going to run today. 7 00:00:16,797 --> 00:00:18,257 I emailed you, like, three times. 8 00:00:18,340 --> 00:00:19,550 Maybe you typed "gmoil" again. 9 00:00:19,633 --> 00:00:21,051 No more excuses, we have to train. 10 00:00:21,135 --> 00:00:23,721 We signed up for this charity run and now we have to do it. 11 00:00:23,804 --> 00:00:25,306 Why can't we just donate the money? 12 00:00:25,389 --> 00:00:27,725 Why do we have to run the six miles first? 13 00:00:27,808 --> 00:00:29,786 That's a good point, but, no, you're getting dressed. 14 00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:30,996 Oh, no, Jess, look, I can't go. 15 00:00:31,020 --> 00:00:33,105 I am super hungover right now. 16 00:00:33,230 --> 00:00:35,399 Plus, Masha had a bit of a crisis. 17 00:00:35,482 --> 00:00:37,026 She accidentally ate a cookie. 18 00:00:37,109 --> 00:00:38,402 - What? - Because she fell on it. 19 00:00:38,485 --> 00:00:39,528 I am devastated. 20 00:00:39,611 --> 00:00:41,238 She is devastated. 21 00:00:41,322 --> 00:00:42,922 Well, why don't you come running with us? 22 00:00:42,990 --> 00:00:44,830 - No, she can't. - You can run off that cookie. 23 00:00:44,908 --> 00:00:46,869 You know what? We will do it tomorrow, 24 00:00:46,952 --> 00:00:48,632 - I promise. - It's more money for charity. 25 00:00:48,704 --> 00:00:49,830 It'll be so fun. 26 00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:54,627 I mean, that was a close one. 27 00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:55,979 Good thing I'm a quiet breather. 28 00:00:56,003 --> 00:00:57,171 I learned that as a kid 29 00:00:57,296 --> 00:00:58,773 playing "Who Passed Out?" with my mom. 30 00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,674 My mom always won. 31 00:01:00,758 --> 00:01:03,594 Jew in the couch. Jew in the couch. 32 00:01:05,137 --> 00:01:06,972 Nadia, American manners. 33 00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:08,557 Sorry. 34 00:01:08,641 --> 00:01:10,976 Jew person in couch. 35 00:01:12,561 --> 00:01:13,812 She's not wrong. 36 00:01:13,979 --> 00:01:15,606 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:15,689 --> 00:01:16,982 Who's that girl? 38 00:01:17,066 --> 00:01:18,150 Who's that girl? 39 00:01:18,233 --> 00:01:19,234 Who's that girl? 40 00:01:19,318 --> 00:01:20,319 It's Jess! 41 00:01:21,779 --> 00:01:24,615 Okay, bye, Nick. 42 00:01:24,907 --> 00:01:26,659 So you'll call me? 43 00:01:27,117 --> 00:01:29,536 Um, yeah, yeah, I'll definitely… 44 00:01:30,913 --> 00:01:32,713 - Are you, are you okay? - I'm gonna call you. 45 00:01:32,790 --> 00:01:34,833 Um, okay. 46 00:01:34,917 --> 00:01:36,669 Do you hike? Do you hike? 47 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:39,713 - Okay, I… - This was fun. 48 00:01:39,797 --> 00:01:42,633 Okay, I'll call you tonight to make sure you're okay? 49 00:01:42,716 --> 00:01:43,717 Please. 50 00:01:48,681 --> 00:01:50,349 That was ridiculous. 51 00:01:50,432 --> 00:01:51,684 I can't do this, Winston. 52 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,018 I don't know how to sleep 53 00:01:53,102 --> 00:01:54,603 with 21-year-old girls. 54 00:01:54,687 --> 00:01:57,356 For the last couple weeks, that's all I've been doing. 55 00:01:57,439 --> 00:01:58,917 What's going on with you? Are you okay? 56 00:01:58,941 --> 00:02:00,275 I saw something a few days ago. 57 00:02:00,776 --> 00:02:02,152 I've been sworn to secrecy, 58 00:02:02,236 --> 00:02:05,072 - but it is just too big. - You know I can't keep a secret, 59 00:02:05,155 --> 00:02:07,157 I can't lie, Winston. You saw me with that girl. 60 00:02:07,241 --> 00:02:09,052 - Don't leave me like this. - Thinking about keeping 61 00:02:09,076 --> 00:02:10,679 a secret turns my back into a slip 'n slide. 62 00:02:10,703 --> 00:02:12,681 Come on, man, you got to help me out, okay? I'm dying. 63 00:02:12,705 --> 00:02:14,766 - I don't want to know. - Hey, hey, come on, come on. 64 00:02:14,790 --> 00:02:16,830 - I'm dying! I'm dying, man! - I don't want to know. 65 00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,502 I don't want to know! 66 00:02:18,585 --> 00:02:20,546 Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! 67 00:02:25,217 --> 00:02:26,760 Ew. 68 00:02:34,268 --> 00:02:36,186 - It's happening under our roof. - No. 69 00:02:36,270 --> 00:02:37,479 - Yes. Yes! - No. 70 00:02:37,771 --> 00:02:38,811 This makes me hate things. 71 00:02:38,856 --> 00:02:41,150 I know, man. It's like up is down. 72 00:02:41,442 --> 00:02:43,068 Up is the new down, man. 73 00:02:43,152 --> 00:02:44,695 Now my back is sweating. 74 00:02:45,821 --> 00:02:46,989 All right, who knows? 75 00:02:47,072 --> 00:02:48,073 Everybody but Jess. 76 00:02:48,949 --> 00:02:50,034 Hey. 77 00:02:50,242 --> 00:02:52,369 Hey, Jess. Just hanging out in the hallway. 78 00:02:52,453 --> 00:02:53,893 What's going on? Nothing's going on. 79 00:02:53,996 --> 00:02:55,456 Actually, I'm really annoyed. 80 00:02:55,539 --> 00:02:57,017 Cece bailed on me again. We're supposed 81 00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,435 to train for the race this weekend. 82 00:02:58,459 --> 00:02:59,668 That is so Cece. 83 00:03:01,003 --> 00:03:02,755 I know, I mean, 84 00:03:02,838 --> 00:03:05,257 and the weird thing is she said she was hungover, 85 00:03:05,341 --> 00:03:08,010 but last night she said she didn't want to go out. 86 00:03:09,553 --> 00:03:10,804 Maybe she had a guy over. 87 00:03:11,305 --> 00:03:13,182 Not like that, I didn't say anything. 88 00:03:13,307 --> 00:03:15,768 If you think about what I said, I didn't say anything. 89 00:03:15,893 --> 00:03:16,894 You have a secret. 90 00:03:17,311 --> 00:03:18,872 - You have a secret. - No, you have a secret. 91 00:03:18,896 --> 00:03:20,040 - Turn around. - You turn around. 92 00:03:20,064 --> 00:03:21,416 - Let me see your back. - Please don't. 93 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,275 - Just be cool about… - Ew, gross. 94 00:03:23,359 --> 00:03:27,112 J'accuse, Miller, j'accuse. You fold like a lawn chair. 95 00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:28,781 Fold, fold. 96 00:03:29,239 --> 00:03:30,574 You fold, fold. 97 00:03:30,658 --> 00:03:32,552 Winston said Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! 98 00:03:32,576 --> 00:03:33,577 - Come on, man! - What? 99 00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:34,828 Oh, my God. 100 00:03:36,705 --> 00:03:37,915 They know, Schmidt. 101 00:03:37,998 --> 00:03:38,999 Sweatback? 102 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,126 You told sweatback? Come on, Winston. 103 00:03:41,418 --> 00:03:42,962 - Jess. - God. 104 00:03:43,045 --> 00:03:47,341 I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this. 105 00:03:47,424 --> 00:03:49,718 But can we just take a moment to celebrate me? 106 00:03:49,802 --> 00:03:51,178 Schmidtty really did it this time. 107 00:03:51,303 --> 00:03:52,823 I mean, I'm having Indian every night. 108 00:03:52,972 --> 00:03:54,807 - No, no! - Whoa, whoa! 109 00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:01,855 Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way, 110 00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:05,526 okay, but trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy. 111 00:04:05,609 --> 00:04:07,796 It was something that happened and it got out of control, 112 00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:09,071 sort of like poison oak, 113 00:04:09,154 --> 00:04:10,948 and I couldn't stop scratching it. 114 00:04:11,031 --> 00:04:13,033 - Cece started it. - That's… 115 00:04:14,702 --> 00:04:16,161 I did, I started it. 116 00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:18,956 Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents? 117 00:04:19,039 --> 00:04:20,040 When did it start? 118 00:04:20,124 --> 00:04:23,252 Jess, I want to emphasize that we are not dating. 119 00:04:23,335 --> 00:04:25,921 I can't stress that enough. This is just sex. 120 00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:27,214 Mmm-hmm, when did it start? 121 00:04:27,298 --> 00:04:30,926 1:03 a.m., February 15, 122 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,305 right on schedule. 123 00:04:35,681 --> 00:04:36,765 Two months ago. 124 00:04:36,849 --> 00:04:37,850 Two months? 125 00:04:38,350 --> 00:04:40,270 Two moons have passed since you started doing it? 126 00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:42,914 Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry? 127 00:04:42,938 --> 00:04:44,106 Two moons have passed! 128 00:04:44,189 --> 00:04:45,566 Just a quick sidebar. 129 00:04:45,649 --> 00:04:47,409 We've done it in every room of the apartment. 130 00:04:47,443 --> 00:04:48,902 Ugh, even my room? 131 00:04:48,986 --> 00:04:50,529 - Just the one time. - Oh, God. 132 00:04:50,612 --> 00:04:52,239 How long have you known? 133 00:04:52,323 --> 00:04:53,324 A few days. 134 00:04:53,407 --> 00:04:54,825 - You didn't tell me either? - Jess, 135 00:04:54,908 --> 00:04:57,148 just as a reminder, I told you seconds after I found out. 136 00:04:57,202 --> 00:04:59,705 Because you're weak, Nick, weak. 137 00:04:59,788 --> 00:05:01,707 I agree. Just chill out. Stop yelling. 138 00:05:01,790 --> 00:05:04,043 Jess, I want to tell you everything. 139 00:05:04,126 --> 00:05:06,170 - What do you want to know? - I don't know, Cece. 140 00:05:06,253 --> 00:05:07,856 How would I know you're telling the truth? 141 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,715 Come on, Jess. Are you seriously mad? 142 00:05:10,966 --> 00:05:14,011 No, no, I'm not. 143 00:05:14,094 --> 00:05:16,138 I'm really glad you two are having fun. 144 00:05:18,098 --> 00:05:20,684 How cool is that? 145 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:24,313 For what it's worth, 146 00:05:24,396 --> 00:05:26,231 I think what I did was really brave. 147 00:05:28,525 --> 00:05:29,735 Oh. 148 00:05:29,818 --> 00:05:30,944 Get off of me. 149 00:05:31,028 --> 00:05:32,279 Yeah. 150 00:05:36,951 --> 00:05:38,369 Have you guys seen a scarf? 151 00:05:38,452 --> 00:05:39,679 Holly said she left it out here. 152 00:05:39,703 --> 00:05:40,955 It's my favorite scarf 153 00:05:41,038 --> 00:05:42,958 because it's a circle, so you never have to think 154 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,042 about which end goes on the right or the left. 155 00:05:45,292 --> 00:05:46,794 My therapist gave it to me. 156 00:05:46,877 --> 00:05:48,837 She's Asian, but she's the nicest. 157 00:05:52,049 --> 00:05:53,050 Who is that? 158 00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:54,343 Nobody, just… 159 00:05:54,885 --> 00:05:56,303 Who was that? 160 00:05:56,971 --> 00:05:58,597 Was it that stuck-up bitch 161 00:05:58,681 --> 00:06:00,099 from last night with the fake hand? 162 00:06:00,182 --> 00:06:01,850 - Whoa. - No, it was no one. 163 00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:04,103 It was just… It was just beep-beep-beep. 164 00:06:04,186 --> 00:06:05,187 Was… 165 00:06:05,270 --> 00:06:06,563 I'm so old. 166 00:06:06,647 --> 00:06:08,732 I don't even know how to use a cell phone. 167 00:06:08,816 --> 00:06:10,859 Come on. Let's go clubbing. You want to go clubbing? 168 00:06:10,943 --> 00:06:12,111 Show me the phone. 169 00:06:12,194 --> 00:06:13,755 Let's go back to when we were having fun. 170 00:06:13,779 --> 00:06:15,382 - Let me see the phone. - No, just chill out. 171 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:16,949 - Let me see your phone. - No! 172 00:06:18,784 --> 00:06:19,868 Smooth. 173 00:06:22,204 --> 00:06:23,205 I'll call you. 174 00:06:23,289 --> 00:06:24,290 Nick, are you kid… 175 00:06:24,373 --> 00:06:25,582 You keep the ringer on? 176 00:06:25,666 --> 00:06:27,459 Amateur move, man. 177 00:06:27,543 --> 00:06:29,128 Yeah, I'm just in over my head. 178 00:06:29,211 --> 00:06:32,089 Schmidt, I hate asking you this, but how do you do this? 179 00:06:32,172 --> 00:06:34,049 Glory be, are you asking for my help? 180 00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:35,467 Oh, I'm flattered. 181 00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:37,320 Pull up, pull up, Nick. Yank back on that yoke. 182 00:06:37,344 --> 00:06:39,596 We have to face the reality of the situation. 183 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,100 Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece 184 00:06:43,183 --> 00:06:44,518 and lying about it. 185 00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:47,062 He's better than us at this, Winston, 186 00:06:47,146 --> 00:06:49,023 and I hate it as much as you do, 187 00:06:49,106 --> 00:06:51,483 and, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might… 188 00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:53,944 I might respect you. 189 00:06:54,028 --> 00:06:55,362 Thank you for saying that. 190 00:06:55,612 --> 00:06:57,406 You've come a long way, man. 191 00:06:57,489 --> 00:07:00,409 Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours 192 00:07:00,492 --> 00:07:04,830 which, like weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple, 193 00:07:05,122 --> 00:07:07,207 A.K.A. Cece, because she's Indian. 194 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,004 You don't have to be so gentle with me. 195 00:07:13,339 --> 00:07:15,466 All right, oh, that's how I like it, baby. 196 00:07:15,549 --> 00:07:16,717 All right. 197 00:07:18,052 --> 00:07:20,721 Sex, man. It's the real stuff. 198 00:07:21,764 --> 00:07:23,599 I don't know that I should help you. 199 00:07:23,682 --> 00:07:25,017 You're not a player. 200 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,686 You're a clingy serial monogamist 201 00:07:27,770 --> 00:07:30,064 with, well, with a terrible metabolism. 202 00:07:30,397 --> 00:07:33,233 Schmidt, I need you 203 00:07:35,569 --> 00:07:36,862 to teach me to be a douchebag. 204 00:07:36,945 --> 00:07:39,073 - Let's get to work. - What's happening in the world? 205 00:07:41,784 --> 00:07:43,202 Hey, babe. 206 00:07:43,285 --> 00:07:44,328 Oh, hey, Cece. 207 00:07:44,411 --> 00:07:46,997 - Doing some stretches? - Good guess, model. 208 00:07:47,081 --> 00:07:49,249 Just limbering up in case I want to have sex 209 00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:50,413 with one of your roommates. 210 00:07:51,210 --> 00:07:52,211 Do you want some company? 211 00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:53,462 What? 212 00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:56,298 - Do you want some company? - I'm sorry. I can't hear you. 213 00:07:56,382 --> 00:07:57,549 Diane Keaton is talking 214 00:07:57,633 --> 00:08:00,010 about her rich life full of loyal friends. 215 00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:01,261 Oh, Jess, 216 00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:02,554 I hate when we fight. 217 00:08:02,638 --> 00:08:04,056 I get so stressed out. 218 00:08:04,139 --> 00:08:05,516 I mean, my eye twitch is back. 219 00:08:05,599 --> 00:08:07,851 I'm eating bread, all right? 220 00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:09,454 Just let me come on this run with you. 221 00:08:09,478 --> 00:08:10,479 No! 222 00:08:10,646 --> 00:08:11,647 Seriously, Jess, 223 00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:13,190 it was just one secret. 224 00:08:13,273 --> 00:08:14,900 Everybody has got secrets. 225 00:08:15,275 --> 00:08:18,821 Good afternoon. Uh, my name is Mr. Schmidt. M-R… 226 00:08:19,196 --> 00:08:20,572 Not even a real chalkboard. 227 00:08:21,282 --> 00:08:22,866 First of all, Nick, congrats. 228 00:08:22,950 --> 00:08:24,761 - Thank you. - You're meeting a lot of young women, 229 00:08:24,785 --> 00:08:26,662 and for whatever reason, they seem to 230 00:08:26,745 --> 00:08:28,080 find you appealing. 231 00:08:28,247 --> 00:08:29,290 In the restaurant of life, 232 00:08:29,373 --> 00:08:31,250 you have selected the tasting menu. 233 00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:33,311 Changed my mind. I don't want to do this anymore. 234 00:08:33,335 --> 00:08:34,920 Nick, you're terrible at lying, 235 00:08:35,004 --> 00:08:37,214 so what we want to do is, we want to focus on. 236 00:08:37,298 --> 00:08:39,008 S-S-V. 237 00:08:39,091 --> 00:08:40,485 I cannot believe you slept with Cece. 238 00:08:40,509 --> 00:08:42,261 - Short, simple… - Vagina. 239 00:08:42,344 --> 00:08:43,887 Vague. It's actually vague. 240 00:08:44,221 --> 00:08:46,658 Let's apply it. I'm one of these young girls that's coming in here. 241 00:08:46,682 --> 00:08:48,559 I want to party. I'm in college. Let's do this. 242 00:08:48,642 --> 00:08:50,203 - I'm in. - Hey, what happened to your phone? 243 00:08:50,227 --> 00:08:51,437 Jesus took it. 244 00:08:51,812 --> 00:08:53,314 A Jesus hawk on a speedboat. 245 00:08:53,397 --> 00:08:56,483 The environment. Bears, family, magic. 246 00:08:56,608 --> 00:08:57,609 Mmm-hmm. 247 00:08:57,735 --> 00:08:59,278 - I need your help, Schmidt. - Yeah. 248 00:09:00,404 --> 00:09:02,281 I'm the girl, and the whole objective 249 00:09:02,364 --> 00:09:05,492 is to get me out of the front door as fast as you possibly can. 250 00:09:06,035 --> 00:09:07,077 Let's do this. 251 00:09:07,161 --> 00:09:08,203 - Ready? - Yeah. 252 00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:10,265 - What's your name? - My name is Janine, all right? 253 00:09:10,289 --> 00:09:11,290 God. 254 00:09:13,792 --> 00:09:15,520 - Don't make that sound. - Good morning, Nick. 255 00:09:15,544 --> 00:09:17,144 You really gave it to me good last night. 256 00:09:17,171 --> 00:09:19,173 You gave me the full business, yeah. 257 00:09:19,256 --> 00:09:20,549 This is really weird, Schmidt. 258 00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:22,676 - One of the weirder things we've done. - Right? 259 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,613 What you thinking, brown eyes? Grab some brunch? 260 00:09:24,637 --> 00:09:26,263 Sure, Janine, that sounds fun. 261 00:09:26,347 --> 00:09:28,307 God, no, you don't want to grab brunch. 262 00:09:28,390 --> 00:09:29,576 - Okay. - Come on, damn it, Nick. 263 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:30,869 - I'm all turned around. - Focus. 264 00:09:30,893 --> 00:09:32,933 I just had sex with Janine. I have feelings for her. 265 00:09:32,978 --> 00:09:34,271 Yeah, so you're done. 266 00:09:34,355 --> 00:09:36,315 Oh, I just sleep with her and then kick her out 267 00:09:36,398 --> 00:09:37,775 like she's a piece of meat? 268 00:09:37,858 --> 00:09:40,110 - This is the problem. - Ask me again, Schmidt. 269 00:09:40,194 --> 00:09:42,029 Okay, cowboy, want to saddle up and go again? 270 00:09:42,112 --> 00:09:43,989 - No, sweetie, I can't. - Good, why can't you? 271 00:09:44,073 --> 00:09:46,325 - I got things to do. I got plans. - You have work. 272 00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:47,868 Plans can be canceled. 273 00:09:47,952 --> 00:09:49,471 I don't want to live in a house of lies. 274 00:09:49,495 --> 00:09:50,621 I can't do it anymore. 275 00:09:51,455 --> 00:09:52,748 Is this happening, too? 276 00:09:52,873 --> 00:09:54,041 No, this is not happening. 277 00:09:54,124 --> 00:09:55,918 This isn't what it looks like. 278 00:09:56,001 --> 00:09:58,754 Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open 279 00:09:58,837 --> 00:10:00,089 and honest in this loft, 280 00:10:00,172 --> 00:10:01,524 and that means I have some secrets 281 00:10:01,548 --> 00:10:02,925 I want to get off my chest. 282 00:10:03,008 --> 00:10:04,861 - I'd rather not hear. - Nobody wants to hear these. 283 00:10:04,885 --> 00:10:06,804 Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick 284 00:10:06,887 --> 00:10:09,264 using your chenille throw as a napkin. 285 00:10:09,348 --> 00:10:11,451 That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen. 286 00:10:11,475 --> 00:10:13,954 - Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo. - Each heirloom-quality… 287 00:10:13,978 --> 00:10:15,396 Good, this is healthy. Air it out. 288 00:10:15,479 --> 00:10:17,189 All right, one more. 289 00:10:17,272 --> 00:10:19,191 Schmidt said that Winston is in danger 290 00:10:19,274 --> 00:10:20,734 of becoming a nanny for life. 291 00:10:20,818 --> 00:10:22,736 He said you were going "full Poppins." 292 00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:25,364 Okay, Winston, I can see anger in your eyes. 293 00:10:25,447 --> 00:10:26,758 Schmidt thinks about you sometimes 294 00:10:26,782 --> 00:10:28,051 when he's making love to himself. 295 00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:29,326 - What? - One time. 296 00:10:29,410 --> 00:10:30,494 What? 297 00:10:30,577 --> 00:10:31,954 I thought about bangs 298 00:10:32,037 --> 00:10:34,164 and your face just appeared beneath them. 299 00:10:34,248 --> 00:10:35,624 Okay, by the way, 300 00:10:35,708 --> 00:10:37,001 like I'm the only one. 301 00:10:37,084 --> 00:10:39,253 Nick told me it happened to him, 302 00:10:39,336 --> 00:10:40,796 - like, a bunch of times. - Winston, 303 00:10:41,088 --> 00:10:42,565 the first week you got back from Latvia, 304 00:10:42,589 --> 00:10:44,925 you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands. 305 00:10:45,009 --> 00:10:47,052 - Dreams do not count. - You've all thought about me 306 00:10:47,136 --> 00:10:49,555 - while self-completing? - Yeah. 307 00:10:49,638 --> 00:10:52,474 Look, Jess, it's not that big a deal. 308 00:10:52,558 --> 00:10:53,726 Really, it's, 309 00:10:53,809 --> 00:10:55,249 it's the sincerest form of flattery. 310 00:10:55,811 --> 00:10:57,205 We're going back to keeping secrets. 311 00:10:57,229 --> 00:10:59,273 When I walk through this door and into my room, 312 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,774 this conversation never happened. 313 00:11:02,359 --> 00:11:04,236 Oh, my God! 314 00:11:05,946 --> 00:11:07,546 So, what did the raccoon hands look like? 315 00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:10,367 Oh, man, they were digging through the garbage. 316 00:11:23,464 --> 00:11:24,798 Oh, my God! 317 00:11:24,882 --> 00:11:26,300 Do not drink my almond milk 318 00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:29,428 when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt. 319 00:11:29,803 --> 00:11:31,972 Jess, why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler? 320 00:11:32,097 --> 00:11:34,767 Because I don't want to live in a world with secrets. 321 00:11:34,933 --> 00:11:36,602 And that means that I now know 322 00:11:36,685 --> 00:11:38,687 my three roommates have thought about me 323 00:11:38,771 --> 00:11:39,897 while self-completing. 324 00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:41,583 I'm gonna wear my winter clothes 325 00:11:41,607 --> 00:11:42,983 until I can deal with that. 326 00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,227 It's better than not knowing. 327 00:11:44,485 --> 00:11:45,986 - Is it really better? - Yeah. 328 00:11:46,445 --> 00:11:48,381 Jess, I don't want to fight with you anymore, okay? 329 00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:49,531 I said I was sorry. 330 00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,218 We tell each other everything. We always have. 331 00:11:52,242 --> 00:11:53,744 I've never not told you something. 332 00:11:53,827 --> 00:11:55,537 That's what second base means? 333 00:11:56,205 --> 00:11:58,374 Then I'm not a virgin anymore. 334 00:12:00,292 --> 00:12:04,004 Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin? 335 00:12:05,255 --> 00:12:07,383 I had a dream that I killed you. 336 00:12:08,384 --> 00:12:11,428 You tell me everything, all right? 337 00:12:11,512 --> 00:12:14,390 I stopped telling you everything because every time I did, 338 00:12:14,473 --> 00:12:17,393 - you got so judgmental and critical. - What? 339 00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:19,269 I had to give it a try, Jess. 340 00:12:19,436 --> 00:12:22,022 I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo. 341 00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:23,565 Cece. 342 00:12:23,816 --> 00:12:25,818 Okay, yeah, you got me. 343 00:12:26,151 --> 00:12:27,444 You don't have secrets, Jess, 344 00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:29,530 because you never do anything stupid. 345 00:12:29,613 --> 00:12:31,407 - Look at me! - With guys. 346 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:34,285 So, living with Spencer for six years was not a mistake? 347 00:12:34,451 --> 00:12:35,786 Cece, I'm not judging you. 348 00:12:35,869 --> 00:12:38,330 It's just, Schmidt? 349 00:12:38,872 --> 00:12:39,915 Judging. See what that is? 350 00:12:39,999 --> 00:12:41,500 No. I'm not judging until now. 351 00:12:42,543 --> 00:12:43,669 Don't look at me! 352 00:12:43,752 --> 00:12:45,129 Oh, Jess, would you please! 353 00:12:45,212 --> 00:12:47,423 A winter hat is not gonna make us stop thinking 354 00:12:47,506 --> 00:12:49,633 about you from time to time when we delight ourselves. 355 00:12:49,717 --> 00:12:50,884 Oh, no! 356 00:12:51,218 --> 00:12:53,218 Could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor. 357 00:12:53,637 --> 00:12:55,180 - Hi, Nick. - Oh, I get it. 358 00:12:55,723 --> 00:12:57,323 It's actually kind of a fantasy of mine. 359 00:12:57,349 --> 00:12:59,351 Can you say the following words out loud? 360 00:12:59,435 --> 00:13:01,312 "The ice roads are too dangerous!" 361 00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:02,995 "You're gonna have to turn back, chief." 362 00:13:03,063 --> 00:13:04,690 I'm not saying that. 363 00:13:05,107 --> 00:13:06,400 Okay. 364 00:13:07,359 --> 00:13:08,402 I want my scarf. 365 00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:10,279 It is 62 degrees out, and I am freezing. 366 00:13:10,362 --> 00:13:12,281 No. I had work. I have plans. I… 367 00:13:13,282 --> 00:13:15,642 - Get in there! Come on! - Can I just pay you for the scarf? 368 00:13:16,327 --> 00:13:18,746 Fine. $25. 369 00:13:18,829 --> 00:13:20,589 Twenty-five… No, I'll help you look for it. 370 00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:22,833 Nick, where'd you go? 371 00:13:24,418 --> 00:13:26,629 - Are you kidding me? - No, no. It's a bear. 372 00:13:26,712 --> 00:13:28,898 There's a magic bear in there! It's a magic bear. Just stop. 373 00:13:28,922 --> 00:13:30,215 - Hey, Nick. - Who is this? 374 00:13:30,299 --> 00:13:32,009 Can I have this circle scarf? 375 00:13:32,092 --> 00:13:33,719 It's my scarf. 376 00:13:33,802 --> 00:13:35,346 No. 377 00:13:36,221 --> 00:13:39,183 It's my scarf! It's mine! 378 00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:40,893 It's mine! It's mine! 379 00:13:40,976 --> 00:13:42,436 Nick, I just want you to know 380 00:13:42,519 --> 00:13:44,355 that I am not judging you right now. 381 00:13:44,563 --> 00:13:45,898 Oh, yeah. Right, sure. 382 00:13:46,148 --> 00:13:47,483 Ladies, let's not do this. 383 00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:49,193 At least not with our shirts on. 384 00:13:49,276 --> 00:13:50,754 Know how many things I haven't told you? 385 00:13:50,778 --> 00:13:53,906 No, I don't, because, apparently, I don't know you at all. 386 00:13:54,073 --> 00:13:55,658 Are you running a 10k tomorrow? 387 00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:58,327 Who knows? Are you even against MS anymore? 388 00:13:58,410 --> 00:13:59,411 - Ow! Ow! Ow! - Beats me! 389 00:13:59,662 --> 00:14:02,057 They've stopped hitting each other, and they're just hitting me! 390 00:14:02,081 --> 00:14:03,761 All right, you want to go? This New Year's, 391 00:14:03,791 --> 00:14:06,961 I wasn't at my parents' house. I was down in St. Barths 392 00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:09,213 with a guy who might be an arms dealer. 393 00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:11,632 And my feet aren't wider than yours. 394 00:14:11,799 --> 00:14:14,385 I just told you that to make you feel better. 395 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,553 And when we were 10 years old, 396 00:14:17,012 --> 00:14:18,806 I went to the movie My Girl 397 00:14:19,348 --> 00:14:23,477 with Jessica P. Before I saw it with you! 398 00:14:24,019 --> 00:14:26,063 And I own a motorcycle. 399 00:14:26,146 --> 00:14:27,231 Jessica P.? 400 00:14:27,856 --> 00:14:29,525 Jessica freaking P.? 401 00:14:29,608 --> 00:14:31,610 Oh, my God, are you crying under there now? 402 00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:32,695 No! No! 403 00:14:32,778 --> 00:14:34,363 - I think you are. - No, I am not. 404 00:14:34,446 --> 00:14:35,948 Everybody stop! 405 00:14:37,157 --> 00:14:39,576 Wherever you are right now, just sit down! 406 00:14:40,494 --> 00:14:41,829 Okay, now, Saturday 407 00:14:42,538 --> 00:14:43,664 is a day for sleeping, 408 00:14:43,789 --> 00:14:45,833 and damn it, you will not take that away from me! 409 00:14:46,041 --> 00:14:47,626 You, give her her scarf back. 410 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:49,086 Finders keepers is not a thing. 411 00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,672 You, get out of my house! 412 00:14:51,839 --> 00:14:53,716 - Who are you? - Who am I? 413 00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:57,469 Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. 414 00:14:58,304 --> 00:15:00,556 And Nick is my lover on the down low. 415 00:15:01,432 --> 00:15:03,350 Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really 416 00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:05,311 goes down in apartment 4D. 417 00:15:06,228 --> 00:15:08,188 Oh, great Negro spiritual, 418 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,441 please come down and loose these chains 419 00:15:10,524 --> 00:15:11,525 on this woman! 420 00:15:12,026 --> 00:15:13,360 Flesh on flesh. 421 00:15:13,610 --> 00:15:15,529 When the lights are off, we are all the same. 422 00:15:15,654 --> 00:15:16,697 Not true. 423 00:15:16,822 --> 00:15:19,074 Dear Lord, help me, Father! 424 00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:21,869 Get out of my house. 425 00:15:22,328 --> 00:15:23,996 Get out of my house! 426 00:15:24,413 --> 00:15:25,623 - Yeah. I'm out. - I'm leaving. 427 00:15:25,706 --> 00:15:26,832 Hey, can you give me a ride? 428 00:15:26,915 --> 00:15:29,251 - Get out. - I'm gonna stop and get a manicure. 429 00:15:29,418 --> 00:15:30,458 - Do you want to… - Okay. 430 00:15:30,628 --> 00:15:32,379 You told Harpo to beat me? 431 00:15:32,463 --> 00:15:33,631 Bye, guys. 432 00:15:33,714 --> 00:15:34,965 You want them over me? 433 00:15:35,215 --> 00:15:36,925 Over me? You… 434 00:15:37,009 --> 00:15:39,762 You're sweating so much, it looks like rain, and you… 435 00:15:40,179 --> 00:15:41,513 You, you're peaking, man. 436 00:15:41,597 --> 00:15:43,637 You're at the prime of your life. That's actually… 437 00:15:43,682 --> 00:15:46,935 Cece, get rid of the motorcycle! And Jess, don't act like 438 00:15:47,019 --> 00:15:48,955 you haven't thought about us when you're going solo. 439 00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:50,915 Okay? I don't work a 9:00 to 5:00. I'm here all day. 440 00:15:50,939 --> 00:15:52,024 I can hear you! 441 00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:53,859 Now, go away, 442 00:15:54,193 --> 00:15:57,154 because I'm having cereal. 443 00:16:11,627 --> 00:16:13,295 Runners, take their marks. 444 00:16:13,379 --> 00:16:14,797 Around with them. 445 00:16:17,466 --> 00:16:19,677 I don't want to walk around with them 446 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,637 'Cause I don't want to walk around with them. 447 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,223 Ooh, ooh, ooh I don't want to walk around with them. 448 00:16:24,348 --> 00:16:25,599 Ooh, ooh, ooh 449 00:16:25,683 --> 00:16:27,810 I don't want to walk around with them. 450 00:16:30,062 --> 00:16:31,647 Why do all female runners look 451 00:16:31,730 --> 00:16:33,482 like old German women when they run? 452 00:16:33,732 --> 00:16:35,776 Oh, boy, look at her glisten! 453 00:16:35,985 --> 00:16:37,194 Oh, Cece. 454 00:16:37,611 --> 00:16:39,571 That sports bra is doing God's work right now. 455 00:16:39,655 --> 00:16:41,991 - Two months. - I can't stop. I got to beat Jess. 456 00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,178 What are… What is wrong with you, sir? 457 00:16:45,202 --> 00:16:46,287 That is Cece's water! 458 00:16:46,495 --> 00:16:47,496 You animal! 459 00:16:47,579 --> 00:16:49,474 This thing with our girls has gotten out of control. 460 00:16:49,498 --> 00:16:50,499 Our girls? 461 00:16:50,708 --> 00:16:51,875 Yeah, it makes me really sad 462 00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:53,752 to see them fighting over me like this. 463 00:16:54,003 --> 00:16:55,254 Then why are you smiling? 464 00:16:55,504 --> 00:16:58,173 Have you guys seen Cece? 465 00:16:58,257 --> 00:16:59,633 Yeah, she's way down there. 466 00:16:59,717 --> 00:17:00,777 Hasn't even broken a sweat. 467 00:17:00,801 --> 00:17:03,220 Jess, okay. Jess, arms up. 468 00:17:03,304 --> 00:17:05,764 Arms up. I need you long and loose like sea grass. 469 00:17:05,848 --> 00:17:08,142 Moving. Move… 470 00:17:08,225 --> 00:17:09,768 Oh, my God, why? 471 00:17:09,893 --> 00:17:11,729 I'm sorry. I'm just mad at you. 472 00:17:11,937 --> 00:17:13,689 My adrenaline is going. 473 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:18,444 Did you make that? 474 00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:21,405 - What? - And Cece let you wear it? 475 00:17:21,655 --> 00:17:22,895 What? She thought it was funny. 476 00:17:26,201 --> 00:17:28,329 Cece! Cece? 477 00:17:28,746 --> 00:17:30,623 - Cece! - What's that about, man? 478 00:17:30,706 --> 00:17:32,249 I think the shirt's pretty funny, no? 479 00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:33,685 - Not funny at all. - Puns are creepy 480 00:17:33,709 --> 00:17:34,835 and they freak me out. 481 00:17:34,918 --> 00:17:35,919 I like it. 482 00:17:36,003 --> 00:17:38,088 - Nick! - Oh, no, no, no. 483 00:17:38,172 --> 00:17:39,649 I hooked up with both girls last week. 484 00:17:39,673 --> 00:17:40,942 Didn't know they knew each other. 485 00:17:40,966 --> 00:17:42,319 Thought they lived in the same place. 486 00:17:42,343 --> 00:17:44,154 - Why didn't you call me? - Why didn't you tell me 487 00:17:44,178 --> 00:17:45,363 you hooked up with my roommate? 488 00:17:45,387 --> 00:17:46,513 I don't… 489 00:17:50,392 --> 00:17:52,770 Willow, I didn't call you because I had a family emergency. 490 00:17:53,729 --> 00:17:54,813 Is everything okay? 491 00:17:55,397 --> 00:17:56,482 Yes, it is. 492 00:17:56,649 --> 00:17:58,692 And Megan, I didn't tell you about Willow because 493 00:17:58,817 --> 00:18:01,820 the moment we had was so beautiful and intense, 494 00:18:01,904 --> 00:18:04,573 that for a second I thought we were the only people on the planet. 495 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,618 Oh. Okay. 496 00:18:08,077 --> 00:18:09,620 Well, we'll see you later. 497 00:18:09,703 --> 00:18:10,913 - Bye. - Bye, guys. 498 00:18:12,373 --> 00:18:14,708 - It worked. - Where did that come from? 499 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:16,513 I don't know. I'm trembling, but it worked. 500 00:18:17,378 --> 00:18:19,421 That was so good my pants just got tight, Nick. 501 00:18:19,672 --> 00:18:21,215 Oh, God, now I hate me as much 502 00:18:21,298 --> 00:18:22,925 - as I've always hated you. - Skin. 503 00:18:23,008 --> 00:18:25,320 - See, I have to do this now. - No, you don't. Don't do it. 504 00:18:25,344 --> 00:18:26,387 - Yes, I do. - Skin. 505 00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:27,846 I have to because it works. 506 00:18:31,725 --> 00:18:34,478 Cece? Cece, 507 00:18:34,561 --> 00:18:36,480 I can't breathe. 508 00:18:37,064 --> 00:18:40,526 Cece, I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt, because 509 00:18:40,776 --> 00:18:41,944 you like him! 510 00:18:42,277 --> 00:18:44,571 - What? - The shirt, Cece. 511 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,865 You thought the shirt he made was funny. 512 00:18:47,908 --> 00:18:49,076 You obviously like him. 513 00:18:49,952 --> 00:18:52,955 It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny. 514 00:18:53,872 --> 00:18:55,332 God, I think you're right. 515 00:18:55,416 --> 00:18:56,834 You didn't want to tell me 516 00:18:56,917 --> 00:18:58,270 'cause you knew that I would know. 517 00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,379 You weren't ready to admit it to yourself. 518 00:19:01,755 --> 00:19:03,632 Can we just say that I didn't tell you 519 00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:06,436 because I'm a total bitch? 'Cause I'm way more comfortable with that. 520 00:19:08,095 --> 00:19:09,847 Oh, maybe I like Schmidt. 521 00:19:11,598 --> 00:19:13,934 You can't tell anyone. 522 00:19:14,018 --> 00:19:17,730 Yeah. That's like a secret only I know. 523 00:19:17,896 --> 00:19:19,273 Heads up. I'm peeing. 524 00:19:19,857 --> 00:19:20,941 Oh, my God. 525 00:19:21,984 --> 00:19:23,610 Okay, come on. We got to finish. 526 00:19:23,694 --> 00:19:25,446 Oh! No! 527 00:19:25,738 --> 00:19:27,197 - Come on, man. - Come on, dude! 528 00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:31,827 Hey, here they come. Here they come. 529 00:19:31,910 --> 00:19:33,829 - Come on, guys! - Let's go! 530 00:19:33,954 --> 00:19:35,497 - Come on, ladies! - Be strong! 531 00:19:35,581 --> 00:19:36,874 - Come on! - Come on, ladies! 532 00:19:36,957 --> 00:19:38,459 - Come on. - Let's go! 533 00:19:38,542 --> 00:19:39,752 Come on… 534 00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:42,588 - Finish strong! - Good job, guys. 535 00:19:44,256 --> 00:19:45,966 - Winner! - Oh, man. 536 00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:47,676 Thanks for waiting, man. 537 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:48,969 Thanks for the 10 bucks. 538 00:19:49,386 --> 00:19:50,846 Guess what, you guys. 539 00:19:50,929 --> 00:19:53,349 My shoes are filled with blood! Oh, God. 540 00:19:53,432 --> 00:19:55,160 It's time to go home. A little help. Come on. 541 00:19:55,184 --> 00:19:56,727 All right, Cece, I got her, I got her. 542 00:19:56,810 --> 00:19:57,954 - All right. - Jess, here we go. 543 00:19:57,978 --> 00:19:59,647 Okay, Schmidt, grab her feet. 544 00:20:00,064 --> 00:20:01,504 - All right, there we go. - This way. 545 00:20:01,774 --> 00:20:02,900 Good job, Jess. 546 00:20:02,983 --> 00:20:04,234 Real proud of you. 547 00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:06,837 What are you doing to that basil, Cece? 548 00:20:06,862 --> 00:20:08,062 You trying to make it confess? 549 00:20:08,113 --> 00:20:10,199 Easy with the knife, Robespierre. 550 00:20:10,407 --> 00:20:12,127 I will cut off your weaker fingers, Schmidt, 551 00:20:12,159 --> 00:20:13,994 and I'm gonna start with your pinky. 552 00:20:14,161 --> 00:20:15,704 You guys are adorable. 553 00:20:15,955 --> 00:20:17,164 We are not adorable. 554 00:20:17,247 --> 00:20:19,083 Okay? We are just two people having 555 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:21,126 casual, successful sex. 556 00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:22,795 My bad. 557 00:20:23,045 --> 00:20:24,672 Please. 558 00:20:24,797 --> 00:20:27,466 All right. I can't stand this heat. 559 00:20:27,549 --> 00:20:29,134 I gonna get out of the kitchen. 560 00:20:31,011 --> 00:20:32,638 Ow. Ow. 561 00:20:32,721 --> 00:20:34,390 You should really stretch, Jess. 562 00:20:34,848 --> 00:20:38,060 You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is… 563 00:20:38,894 --> 00:20:40,187 It's kind of a turnoff. 564 00:20:40,479 --> 00:20:43,899 How do we explain to her that this is just sex? 565 00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:45,442 Mmm-hmm. 566 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:47,695 What is that? 567 00:20:48,946 --> 00:20:51,156 That is shoddy workmanship is what that is. 568 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,449 I'm taking you off prep. 569 00:20:52,616 --> 00:20:53,677 Go clean the garbanzo beans. 570 00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:55,679 - I'm taking my knife. - Be careful with that knife. 571 00:20:55,703 --> 00:20:56,996 It's from Japan. 572 00:20:59,456 --> 00:21:03,043 Why? Why, Cece? 573 00:21:03,794 --> 00:21:05,034 Why am I sleeping with Schmidt? 574 00:21:05,170 --> 00:21:06,297 Is it a pity thing? 575 00:21:07,256 --> 00:21:08,465 Is he sick? 576 00:21:09,508 --> 00:21:10,860 Are you working for the government? 577 00:21:10,884 --> 00:21:12,862 Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he? 578 00:21:12,886 --> 00:21:14,926 If he is holding you against your will, blink twice. 579 00:21:16,181 --> 00:21:18,017 Blink twice. 580 00:21:20,185 --> 00:21:21,854 Are you tired of being turned on? 581 00:21:22,688 --> 00:21:25,190 Hmm? You have a mole fetish? 582 00:21:30,029 --> 00:21:31,196 Is it huge? 583 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,241 I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. 584 00:21:35,242 --> 00:21:36,243 Is it huge?