1 00:00:01,437 --> 00:00:02,813 I love these parties. 2 00:00:03,147 --> 00:00:05,649 I feel like I'm an ambassador or a spy 3 00:00:05,733 --> 00:00:07,818 or like a really high-class prostitute. 4 00:00:07,902 --> 00:00:09,987 Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser. 5 00:00:10,071 --> 00:00:11,511 Who's to say you can't be all three? 6 00:00:12,156 --> 00:00:13,949 Hey, this is really good. 7 00:00:14,658 --> 00:00:16,410 I mean, I got to tell you, I'm really, um… 8 00:00:16,702 --> 00:00:17,703 - Happy. - Happy. 9 00:00:18,204 --> 00:00:20,539 It's like the complete opposite of my marriage. 10 00:00:20,790 --> 00:00:22,510 I'll give you the opposite of your marriage. 11 00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:24,418 - What? - Sorry, I just… 12 00:00:24,627 --> 00:00:27,797 I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife and I got really nervous 13 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,049 and I tried to flirt information out of you. 14 00:00:30,174 --> 00:00:31,509 - Aw. - So… 15 00:00:32,218 --> 00:00:34,762 I haven't been home in a week, and, um, 16 00:00:35,137 --> 00:00:37,223 underneath my dress I'm wearing 17 00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:40,684 a pair of your boxer briefs 18 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:43,896 that I borrowed slash stole 19 00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:46,690 slash I'm not giving them back. 20 00:00:47,983 --> 00:00:50,152 Come on. Let's go. Go to my house right now. 21 00:00:50,361 --> 00:00:52,405 Well, I have to go to my home for a bit. 22 00:00:52,696 --> 00:00:53,823 No, no, come on. 23 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:55,366 Come on. Stay with me. 24 00:00:55,574 --> 00:00:57,910 No, I'm worried about the guys. 25 00:00:57,993 --> 00:01:00,830 They must really be missing me and wondering where I am. 26 00:01:00,913 --> 00:01:03,124 - Hey! - Sacrifice, sacrifice. 27 00:01:03,249 --> 00:01:04,625 - Lava! Touched the lava! - Ow! Ow! 28 00:01:04,708 --> 00:01:07,169 - Touched the lava! - Touched the lava, dude! 29 00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,171 Who's that girl? 30 00:01:09,255 --> 00:01:10,256 Who's that girl? 31 00:01:10,339 --> 00:01:11,340 It's Jess! 32 00:01:16,595 --> 00:01:18,305 He's the worst quarterback in the league. 33 00:01:18,389 --> 00:01:20,850 Statistically, it would be better if he wasn't even playing. 34 00:01:20,933 --> 00:01:23,310 You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen? 35 00:01:23,477 --> 00:01:25,896 - What decade are we in? - I cannot listen to that guy. 36 00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:27,940 Come on. Joe Napoli's the worst, man. 37 00:01:28,232 --> 00:01:30,443 What? Man, that is blasphemous. 38 00:01:30,526 --> 00:01:32,278 He's the king of sports radio, man. 39 00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,405 I've got an interview with him today, okay? 40 00:01:34,488 --> 00:01:35,841 He's hiring a new research assistant. 41 00:01:35,865 --> 00:01:37,450 Hence the research. 42 00:01:37,533 --> 00:01:39,744 My old basketball coach set it up. 43 00:01:39,827 --> 00:01:41,930 You know, I'm just trying to figure out how to break it to Elvin. 44 00:01:41,954 --> 00:01:43,539 You got to cut ties with that kid. 45 00:01:43,622 --> 00:01:45,624 He freaks me out. He never blinks. 46 00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:47,710 He's like a tiny little owl in a shirt. 47 00:01:48,669 --> 00:01:49,670 Hey, guys! 48 00:01:49,754 --> 00:01:51,756 - Hey. - I have so much to tell you. 49 00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:54,091 I spent the whole week with rich people. 50 00:01:54,175 --> 00:01:55,718 I finally tried port. 51 00:01:55,801 --> 00:01:58,637 Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet? 52 00:01:58,888 --> 00:02:01,223 I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long. 53 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,768 - You all look so handsome, so grown-up. - Thank you. 54 00:02:03,851 --> 00:02:06,103 Hey, Nick. I finally notice the 1/8 Cherokee. 55 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,647 Winston. That's almost a mustache. 56 00:02:08,731 --> 00:02:10,983 Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it. 57 00:02:11,150 --> 00:02:12,627 How was your sex-cation with Russell? 58 00:02:12,651 --> 00:02:14,570 I did have a lot of sex. Thank you. 59 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,073 What'd you guys do without me? Hit me up with a headline! 60 00:02:17,156 --> 00:02:18,699 - Nothing. - We played True American. 61 00:02:18,783 --> 00:02:21,160 What? You played True American without me? 62 00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,244 - Yep. - Yes ma'am. 63 00:02:22,328 --> 00:02:23,871 Oh, sorry. It's Cece. 64 00:02:24,747 --> 00:02:26,749 - Hey, you! - Tell me everything. How's it going? 65 00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:28,364 - Where are you? - With Schmidt. 66 00:02:28,709 --> 00:02:29,960 Where are you? 67 00:02:30,711 --> 00:02:32,505 Right here. Wow. 68 00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:33,839 I am not used to this yet. 69 00:02:33,923 --> 00:02:35,674 I'm surprised this one's still standing. 70 00:02:35,758 --> 00:02:37,843 We burned through a lot of ideas last night. 71 00:02:38,094 --> 00:02:40,346 - That's really great. - We went deep into the stables… 72 00:02:40,471 --> 00:02:42,056 - Yeah. Cool. - Ugh. 73 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,240 I don't know. It's like we're living in a romantic comedy montage. 74 00:02:45,392 --> 00:02:48,396 Like, we, like, throw our heads back when we laugh, 75 00:02:48,521 --> 00:02:50,606 and I, like, try on floppy hats for him. 76 00:02:50,689 --> 00:02:52,024 Well, it's pretty perfect. 77 00:02:52,108 --> 00:02:54,402 It's like the first act of a TV movie 78 00:02:54,485 --> 00:02:57,321 until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state. 79 00:02:57,780 --> 00:03:00,282 Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right? 80 00:03:00,741 --> 00:03:03,661 You're kind of doing everything on his terms, 81 00:03:03,744 --> 00:03:07,415 living in his beautiful, fancy house. 82 00:03:07,581 --> 00:03:10,376 - I'm not really living there. - Has he ever spent a night here? 83 00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:12,753 Hey, guys. 84 00:03:12,837 --> 00:03:15,256 So, listen, um, Russell's gonna come and stay this weekend. 85 00:03:15,339 --> 00:03:17,174 I was just wondering 86 00:03:17,425 --> 00:03:19,260 - if you guys could be cool? - Yeah. 87 00:03:21,387 --> 00:03:22,721 - Sure. - Okay, uh… 88 00:03:22,805 --> 00:03:25,724 Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you, 89 00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,310 so how about we just, say be normal? 90 00:03:28,769 --> 00:03:30,312 - Big R. - Schmidt. 91 00:03:30,396 --> 00:03:31,796 What's up, man? Your shoe's untied. 92 00:03:32,481 --> 00:03:33,482 Oh. 93 00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:36,503 - What are you doing? - Label check, man. 94 00:03:36,527 --> 00:03:38,367 - What are you doing? - Label check. Just calm… 95 00:03:42,575 --> 00:03:43,617 Did… 96 00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:52,752 I got it. 97 00:03:53,419 --> 00:03:54,420 - Russell! - Whoa! 98 00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:55,921 Oh, man, you scared me. 99 00:03:56,255 --> 00:03:58,632 - You scared of black people? - No. 100 00:03:58,758 --> 00:04:00,801 - It's 2012, baby. - I'm… 101 00:04:01,510 --> 00:04:02,821 - Yeah, of course. Done deal. - Easy. Easy. 102 00:04:02,845 --> 00:04:03,971 Quick question. 103 00:04:04,847 --> 00:04:05,973 Russell's such a visionary, 104 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,618 would it be okay if I took him through my idea notebook? 105 00:04:08,642 --> 00:04:09,769 Nope, not at all. 106 00:04:09,852 --> 00:04:11,288 Maybe I won't take him through the whole notebook… 107 00:04:11,312 --> 00:04:12,313 Or how about none of it? 108 00:04:12,396 --> 00:04:13,790 But I have one that I'm really excited about 109 00:04:13,814 --> 00:04:14,875 called Real Apps, that I know. 110 00:04:14,899 --> 00:04:16,376 - Russell would be interested in. - Come on. 111 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,694 - No. - Nick, Real Apps is my idea. 112 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,380 Real Apps is not your idea. 113 00:04:20,404 --> 00:04:22,156 Yeah sure, you might have birthed the idea, 114 00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:24,259 but I midwifed it, and I midwifed the crap out of it. 115 00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:25,483 - Guys. - It was a messy birth. 116 00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:26,786 You just thought of the name! 117 00:04:26,869 --> 00:04:29,014 The name is everything. The name is the name of the game. 118 00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:31,791 The game is… Is the name. The game is the name. 119 00:04:31,874 --> 00:04:33,751 - The product is the game. - Guys! 120 00:04:34,835 --> 00:04:36,378 I know you can do this. 121 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,120 You sure you don't wanna swing? 122 00:04:39,298 --> 00:04:42,468 Nah. Pushing's where the action is. 123 00:04:42,843 --> 00:04:44,762 Elvin, listen, buddy. I think we should talk. 124 00:04:45,721 --> 00:04:47,521 You know I'm not gonna be here forever, right? 125 00:04:47,848 --> 00:04:49,809 I know about death, Winston. 126 00:04:49,892 --> 00:04:52,186 I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go. 127 00:04:52,353 --> 00:04:53,562 What? No. 128 00:04:53,646 --> 00:04:55,064 It's just that I'm an adult. 129 00:04:55,314 --> 00:04:57,650 It's time for me to get an adult job with adult people. 130 00:04:57,817 --> 00:04:59,017 I mean, you understand, right? 131 00:05:00,403 --> 00:05:03,614 Maybe we should get to work on your resume because yours is terrible. 132 00:05:03,989 --> 00:05:05,783 It's 2012, Winston. 133 00:05:05,866 --> 00:05:07,743 Typing is not a special skill. 134 00:05:10,955 --> 00:05:12,516 - And you're familiar with the show? - Yes, I am. 135 00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:13,725 I've been listening for years. 136 00:05:13,749 --> 00:05:15,029 What do you think of Mr. Napoli? 137 00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,919 He's actually like an idol of mine. 138 00:05:17,002 --> 00:05:18,671 Be honest, jackass! 139 00:05:20,548 --> 00:05:22,150 Would you consider yourself an undercover cop? 140 00:05:22,174 --> 00:05:23,759 - Huh? - Seriously. Are you a cop? 141 00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:25,177 - You have to tell me. - No! 142 00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:27,012 How far can you drag an unconscious man? 143 00:05:27,096 --> 00:05:29,496 - I don't know. I never really tried to… - Hello, Mr. Napoli. 144 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,827 If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard, 145 00:05:31,851 --> 00:05:32,852 I'll eat you. 146 00:05:33,102 --> 00:05:34,812 You know. I know you, Winston Bishop, okay? 147 00:05:34,895 --> 00:05:37,064 Sub-par collegiate career, went to Latvia, 148 00:05:37,273 --> 00:05:40,901 9% from the European/women's three-point-line? 149 00:05:40,985 --> 00:05:42,504 - Okay, just… - Now you wind up in my lap. 150 00:05:42,528 --> 00:05:44,048 Well, I'm the luckiest girl in school. 151 00:05:44,155 --> 00:05:47,217 Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop. 152 00:05:47,241 --> 00:05:49,118 Hey, first of all, I've not agreed to do it… 153 00:05:49,910 --> 00:05:51,370 Welcome to the team, Winston. 154 00:05:51,871 --> 00:05:53,414 Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you. 155 00:05:55,124 --> 00:05:56,709 Uh. I'm in. I'll do it. 156 00:05:57,668 --> 00:05:58,669 Um… 157 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:02,006 So nice to meet you, Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 158 00:06:02,089 --> 00:06:03,424 Can I sit on your shoulders? 159 00:06:03,507 --> 00:06:04,550 Sure! 160 00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:05,676 - Really? - No. 161 00:06:05,926 --> 00:06:07,052 Oh. 162 00:06:07,136 --> 00:06:09,847 You've made a wonderful decision. 163 00:06:10,181 --> 00:06:12,683 - I'm sure you're going to learn a lot. - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 164 00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,894 Yeah, well, welcome aboard. You can start today. 165 00:06:15,311 --> 00:06:17,311 I wanna talk to Kareem about a segment on his show. 166 00:06:17,688 --> 00:06:19,208 I wanna talk to you about the jackets. 167 00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:21,275 You said we were gonna get show jackets! 168 00:06:28,032 --> 00:06:29,033 Russell, hey. 169 00:06:30,034 --> 00:06:32,074 I could show you around. I could show you our world. 170 00:06:32,328 --> 00:06:34,205 Way up here, it's crystal-clear. 171 00:06:34,538 --> 00:06:36,415 - Nick, you're doing Aladdin. - Again? 172 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:38,714 - Do you like cheeses, Russell? - What? That's… 173 00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,545 - Nick, come on. - It's for Russell. 174 00:06:45,716 --> 00:06:47,802 So you really just call these ethnic noodles? 175 00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:48,965 No, actually, I don't know. 176 00:06:49,053 --> 00:06:51,097 The only English writing on the box is, 177 00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:54,517 "Find water. Grow hot. Family celebrate plus." 178 00:06:55,017 --> 00:06:56,977 Huh. That guy. Huh. 179 00:06:57,061 --> 00:06:59,271 - Nick, stop staring. - I'm not… What? 180 00:07:00,022 --> 00:07:01,382 Schmidt's being really weird, too. 181 00:07:04,068 --> 00:07:07,071 So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune, 182 00:07:07,154 --> 00:07:09,115 but I hear you harakiri'd that one. 183 00:07:09,365 --> 00:07:11,826 - Well, I know the chef at Namuda. - Oh, oh. Namuda? 184 00:07:11,951 --> 00:07:14,829 Maybe "my first sushi." 185 00:07:15,663 --> 00:07:17,873 Baby wants a tempura California roll. 186 00:07:18,165 --> 00:07:22,169 Little Russell wants… Little Russell wants an avocado roll! 187 00:07:22,378 --> 00:07:25,172 Schmidt… Nick, don't eat his noodles. 188 00:07:25,256 --> 00:07:27,067 - Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now. - No, you're not. 189 00:07:27,091 --> 00:07:28,134 Tighten up, guys. 190 00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:29,301 I'm gonna kill him. 191 00:07:30,136 --> 00:07:33,347 I'm gonna punch him in his rich, old white dude face. 192 00:07:34,056 --> 00:07:35,182 Not you. 193 00:07:35,850 --> 00:07:36,851 Joe Napoli. 194 00:07:36,976 --> 00:07:38,936 So I guess you didn't get the job? 195 00:07:39,019 --> 00:07:41,439 No, I got the job. And that's the problem. 196 00:07:41,772 --> 00:07:45,401 I want six shakes in my fridge at all times, ready to go. 197 00:07:45,818 --> 00:07:47,319 And I want it Beyoncé-colored. 198 00:07:47,486 --> 00:07:49,071 Not darker, not lighter. 199 00:07:49,655 --> 00:07:50,781 Beyoncé! 200 00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:54,160 Clean your damn desk! 201 00:07:55,244 --> 00:07:56,871 Don't let him see you cry. 202 00:07:58,914 --> 00:08:00,040 See, I wanna kill him. 203 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:02,144 Russ, I was wondering if later, if you had a minute, 204 00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:04,328 if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my idea notebook. 205 00:08:04,754 --> 00:08:07,006 - Um, hold that thought. - I will hold it. 206 00:08:07,506 --> 00:08:09,443 Hold that thought 'cause he doesn't want to hear it, Nick. 207 00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:10,801 Those ideas were 51% mine. 208 00:08:13,095 --> 00:08:15,222 - Oh! - I got it! Russell, move, my man. 209 00:08:15,389 --> 00:08:17,266 - What'd I do? - No, you did nothing, my man. 210 00:08:17,349 --> 00:08:18,559 - Don't blame yourself. - Whoa. 211 00:08:21,479 --> 00:08:23,239 Yeah! It just fights back a little bit, Russ. 212 00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:27,276 Anchor me! Anchor me! It's choking me! 213 00:08:27,359 --> 00:08:28,569 - Come on. - Go, go, go! 214 00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:30,988 Come on. 215 00:08:31,739 --> 00:08:33,949 - Anchor me. Don't grope me. - Jess, get in there! 216 00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:35,034 Jess! 217 00:08:35,868 --> 00:08:36,911 One more big one! 218 00:08:38,704 --> 00:08:40,664 Oh, my God. Sorry. 219 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,086 You guys, my contractor knows a really great plumber. 220 00:08:45,169 --> 00:08:46,646 Please. I know the best plumbers in the business. 221 00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:48,106 - White guy knows a plumber. Great. - Settle down. 222 00:08:48,130 --> 00:08:50,484 Sorry. Plumbing's, like, a really sensitive topic around here. 223 00:08:50,508 --> 00:08:51,926 - I… I didn't know. - Yeah. 224 00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:53,135 I mean, who would? 225 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,639 Um… Hey. 226 00:08:57,681 --> 00:08:59,683 Who wants to play, uh, True American? 227 00:08:59,975 --> 00:09:02,079 - I'm in. That sounds like a great idea. - Yeah, I'm in. 228 00:09:02,103 --> 00:09:05,398 So it's 50% drinking game, 50% life-size Candy Land. 229 00:09:05,523 --> 00:09:07,900 Well, it's more like 75 drinking, 20 Candy Land. 230 00:09:07,983 --> 00:09:09,583 And by the way, the floor is molten lava. 231 00:09:09,902 --> 00:09:12,196 It's actually 90% drinking, and it's got a loose. 232 00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:14,407 - Candy Land-like structure to it. - But with stakes. 233 00:09:14,490 --> 00:09:15,741 Hey, guys, we doing teams? 234 00:09:15,825 --> 00:09:17,177 - Yeah. Call it out, Schmidtty. - Mmm-hmm. 235 00:09:17,201 --> 00:09:19,203 Ready? One, two, three, go. 236 00:09:20,121 --> 00:09:22,832 - Two, two, four. - Wow, I'm with Russell. Perfect. 237 00:09:22,998 --> 00:09:24,935 - What? You don't wanna be on my team? - Well, I just copied you. 238 00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:27,169 - You haven't given me any information yet. - Oh, okay. 239 00:09:27,461 --> 00:09:29,171 So it starts off there are four zones. 240 00:09:29,296 --> 00:09:31,090 An alternate zone is a crazy zone. 241 00:09:31,173 --> 00:09:33,592 And there's a trail of chairs. But the floor is lava. 242 00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:36,554 These are the pawns. They're the soldiers of the secret order. 243 00:09:36,637 --> 00:09:37,877 This is the king of the castle. 244 00:09:38,013 --> 00:09:41,016 And remember, everything you hear in True American is a lie. Knock on wood. 245 00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:43,436 And it starts with a shotgun tip-off, okay? 246 00:09:43,519 --> 00:09:45,438 - Yeah. - Oh, that I can do. 247 00:09:45,604 --> 00:09:47,022 Shotgun, for sure. 248 00:09:48,524 --> 00:09:49,942 All right! Yeah! 249 00:09:51,694 --> 00:09:53,571 Yeah, there's no going back now. 250 00:09:53,821 --> 00:09:55,239 One, two, three, four, JFK! 251 00:09:55,448 --> 00:09:57,199 - FDR! Up, up, up! - FDR! 252 00:10:00,411 --> 00:10:02,580 - That's my spot. - Russell, you're in the lava, man. 253 00:10:02,747 --> 00:10:04,907 - I don't understand. - Abe Lincoln, George Washington. 254 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,041 Cherry tree! 255 00:10:08,169 --> 00:10:09,253 All right, Americans. 256 00:10:09,336 --> 00:10:10,439 You ready? Let's do the count. 257 00:10:10,463 --> 00:10:12,923 One, two, three. 258 00:10:16,761 --> 00:10:17,762 That's me! 259 00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,682 Okay, remember. The ground is lava. 260 00:10:22,057 --> 00:10:23,601 Russell! Russell! 261 00:10:23,976 --> 00:10:26,771 Don't touch the lava. 262 00:10:26,937 --> 00:10:29,106 Big R! 263 00:10:29,565 --> 00:10:31,817 - Yes! - The only thing we have to fear… 264 00:10:32,026 --> 00:10:33,152 Is fear itself! 265 00:10:33,235 --> 00:10:34,528 - Drink! - Drink! 266 00:10:41,368 --> 00:10:43,204 Jimmy Carter atop… 267 00:10:43,996 --> 00:10:45,122 Grover Cleveland. 268 00:10:45,873 --> 00:10:46,874 What now? 269 00:10:46,957 --> 00:10:48,209 - More beer. - More beer. 270 00:10:49,502 --> 00:10:51,045 I got to get to the castle! 271 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,338 Go, Nick, go! 272 00:10:52,421 --> 00:10:54,048 Russell, you're kind of ripped up, huh? 273 00:10:54,256 --> 00:10:57,301 I, uh, I used to work summers in a lumber camp near Banff, 274 00:10:57,384 --> 00:10:58,584 and I still split my own wood. 275 00:10:58,928 --> 00:11:00,721 - JFK! - FDR! 276 00:11:03,766 --> 00:11:05,286 You're pretty good at this, old-timer. 277 00:11:05,392 --> 00:11:06,769 Ooh, ooh, Cece. 278 00:11:06,852 --> 00:11:09,456 This is the best game of True American ever. I'm this close to winning. 279 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:10,880 Yeah, I'm gonna go get in your bed. 280 00:11:11,899 --> 00:11:13,401 - Damn. - Yeah, I'm out. 281 00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:14,902 Schmidt, no! 282 00:11:14,985 --> 00:11:16,779 - No! - Does it… 283 00:11:16,862 --> 00:11:18,507 - This means we win? - No, it's unofficial. 284 00:11:18,531 --> 00:11:20,074 - Yes, we win! - Whoo! 285 00:11:23,911 --> 00:11:26,205 USA! USA! 286 00:11:26,288 --> 00:11:29,500 - Oh, a little bit. Ah! - USA! USA! 287 00:11:31,752 --> 00:11:32,962 I'm trashed. 288 00:11:33,045 --> 00:11:35,631 I'm in a trash bag right now. 289 00:11:35,714 --> 00:11:37,634 - It's true. - I think we should call it a night. 290 00:11:37,716 --> 00:11:38,759 No, no, hang… Hang on. 291 00:11:38,843 --> 00:11:40,928 I was saying something. 292 00:11:41,011 --> 00:11:42,364 What you was saying to me. I remember. 293 00:11:42,388 --> 00:11:44,588 Hey, guys. Guys? I'm really sorry. I'm on a water break. 294 00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:46,517 It's over here. 295 00:11:47,393 --> 00:11:49,979 Oh, man, you were giving me advice on my boss 296 00:11:50,062 --> 00:11:52,189 because you are also a rich white man. 297 00:11:53,315 --> 00:11:54,775 - And that's okay. - Hell yeah, I am! 298 00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:57,987 - Hey, I love you. - I love you. 299 00:11:58,154 --> 00:12:00,590 Russel, we have a big day planned tomorrow, so maybe we should… 300 00:12:00,614 --> 00:12:03,117 Shh, shh, hang on a sec. Now, let me straighten you out. 301 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,440 - Here's what you do. - Mmm-hmm. 302 00:12:04,618 --> 00:12:06,328 Your boss is power-playing you. 303 00:12:07,496 --> 00:12:09,290 So you need to power-play him back. 304 00:12:09,415 --> 00:12:10,624 - Yes. - How do I do that? 305 00:12:12,835 --> 00:12:14,587 Dip your boys in his shake. 306 00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:16,380 - What? - Yeah. That's all you got to do. 307 00:12:16,464 --> 00:12:18,567 Your testicles, dip 'em in, wring 'em out, dip it again. 308 00:12:18,591 --> 00:12:20,551 And give him his shake. That's how you do it. 309 00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:21,677 That's a terrible idea. 310 00:12:21,761 --> 00:12:23,179 Jess, no. Shh. 311 00:12:23,262 --> 00:12:24,531 Hang on, hun. It's like a guy thing. 312 00:12:24,555 --> 00:12:25,991 Territory, you know. Jess, you don't know. 313 00:12:26,015 --> 00:12:28,243 It's a guy thing, you know? Jess doesn't get it. It's a territory. 314 00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,287 - Stop copying Russell. - I'm not copying him. I love him. 315 00:12:30,311 --> 00:12:32,021 Classic is a classic, you know what I mean? 316 00:12:32,104 --> 00:12:34,190 Just get in there, dunk your nuggets in his shake. 317 00:12:34,273 --> 00:12:35,524 That's what I'm talking about. 318 00:12:35,691 --> 00:12:37,193 Well, we've all learned a lot. 319 00:12:37,276 --> 00:12:39,196 You know what would make this night really great? 320 00:12:39,403 --> 00:12:40,571 - Idea notebook. - Sleep. 321 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,366 - Yeah? - Have you ever wanted to take a ride 322 00:12:44,450 --> 00:12:45,451 on a magic idea? 323 00:12:45,618 --> 00:12:47,012 - Well, strap on, Russell. - Russell. 324 00:12:47,036 --> 00:12:49,246 - Let's go to sleep. - No, I'll be in in a second. 325 00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,957 I wanna hear your idea. What… 326 00:12:52,583 --> 00:12:55,252 Take one more of these, and then this idea's gonna even be better. 327 00:12:55,377 --> 00:12:57,004 - Okay. - Down the hatch! 328 00:12:59,799 --> 00:13:01,550 Let's have a little bit more of that. 329 00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:09,058 I'm mad at him, and I've never been mad at him before. 330 00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:11,352 Ugh, Jess! 331 00:13:11,519 --> 00:13:13,729 This room is not a place of comforting, okay? 332 00:13:13,979 --> 00:13:15,356 This is Darwin's jungle 333 00:13:15,815 --> 00:13:18,526 where open-minded people do weird things to each other. 334 00:13:19,235 --> 00:13:20,236 Go away. 335 00:13:21,028 --> 00:13:22,905 Yeah. 336 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,448 I can't fight with him. 337 00:13:25,074 --> 00:13:26,575 That's our thing. We don't fight. 338 00:13:26,659 --> 00:13:28,499 He used to fight all the time with his ex-wife. 339 00:13:28,661 --> 00:13:30,301 And I think he likes that we're peaceful. 340 00:13:30,538 --> 00:13:33,874 Fighting's good. It's healthy. It's how you know it's working. 341 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,961 You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do 342 00:13:37,461 --> 00:13:39,255 is we like… We like to fight with our bodies. 343 00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:42,383 It's like a really intense game of capture the flag. 344 00:13:42,508 --> 00:13:44,218 I won't make you guess what the flag is. 345 00:13:45,010 --> 00:13:48,139 As my financial business partner, I appreciate you taking the time. 346 00:13:48,389 --> 00:13:50,224 All right, Russell said we need a prototype. 347 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:53,728 So, Mr. Schmidt, I now present you Real Apps. 348 00:13:54,103 --> 00:13:56,303 The phone obviously goes back here where the phone goes, 349 00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:57,677 and then these are all the apps. 350 00:13:57,773 --> 00:14:00,443 You've got a Zippo. You've got a fork. You've got a spoon. 351 00:14:00,693 --> 00:14:01,902 That's a corn holder. 352 00:14:02,528 --> 00:14:03,988 It's also a gentleman's shiv. 353 00:14:04,071 --> 00:14:06,240 Nick, it's a prototype of a prototype at best. 354 00:14:06,907 --> 00:14:08,385 - Let me see it. - No. Don't be mean about it. 355 00:14:08,409 --> 00:14:10,494 - Let me see it. - You got, uh, a bottle opener. 356 00:14:10,578 --> 00:14:11,818 - Come on. Look at this. - Yeah. 357 00:14:11,996 --> 00:14:13,289 There's no brushed steel. 358 00:14:13,414 --> 00:14:15,541 No nickel. I mean, it's got none of the baller metals. 359 00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:17,334 I mean, come on, man. 360 00:14:17,418 --> 00:14:20,296 I'm not gonna get Winklevoss'd because of your sloppiness. 361 00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:22,548 What do you mean, "I"? Real Apps is my idea. 362 00:14:22,757 --> 00:14:23,817 You just came up with the name! 363 00:14:23,841 --> 00:14:26,635 - Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo. - Mmm-mmm. 364 00:14:26,719 --> 00:14:28,530 - Yes, it is, man. - No, it isn't. No, it isn't, man. 365 00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:29,906 Would you line up around the corner 366 00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:32,391 if they called the iPhone a "slippery germ brick"? 367 00:14:32,683 --> 00:14:33,684 Yeah, actually, I might. 368 00:14:33,851 --> 00:14:35,120 That's why they call it basketball 369 00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:36,544 and not "peach basket catch-it-up." 370 00:14:37,313 --> 00:14:38,393 You just came up with that? 371 00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:40,775 Hey, hey, we're back here on The Joe Napoli Show, 372 00:14:40,858 --> 00:14:43,545 and let me introduce you to a new member of The Joe Napoli Show family, 373 00:14:43,569 --> 00:14:46,238 and that is Winston Bishop, who is our new assistant. 374 00:14:46,322 --> 00:14:47,466 And I'll tell you what, he's sharp as a tack. 375 00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:49,200 Ladies, there's no ring on his finger, 376 00:14:49,283 --> 00:14:51,386 and, Winston, why don't you tell us just a little bit about yourself? 377 00:14:51,410 --> 00:14:54,038 Hey, thanks a lot, Joe. I really wanna tell you about myself. 378 00:14:54,121 --> 00:14:55,474 You know, I… I've been on the job two days, 379 00:14:55,498 --> 00:14:56,975 and I don't know how to make no milkshake. 380 00:14:56,999 --> 00:14:58,039 Oh, and I played two years 381 00:14:58,084 --> 00:14:59,728 - of mediocre Division I basketball. - Wow. 382 00:14:59,752 --> 00:15:01,229 - And why was that? - Well, because I didn't really 383 00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:02,314 know how to play basketball. 384 00:15:02,338 --> 00:15:04,215 I got recruited for a girls' volleyball team. 385 00:15:04,298 --> 00:15:06,300 All right, there he is. That's Winston Bishop. 386 00:15:06,425 --> 00:15:08,385 And we'll see you again probably never. 387 00:15:08,469 --> 00:15:11,222 All right, turning now to the NBA picture, it looks like the West… 388 00:15:12,932 --> 00:15:13,933 These are hangover eggs. 389 00:15:14,266 --> 00:15:16,826 See, they'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day 390 00:15:16,852 --> 00:15:18,437 or you'll just throw it up really fast. 391 00:15:18,521 --> 00:15:19,641 It's high-risk, high-reward. 392 00:15:19,730 --> 00:15:21,565 Oh, maybe I should just go back to bed. 393 00:15:21,649 --> 00:15:23,567 I have a really nice day planned for us. 394 00:15:23,734 --> 00:15:25,069 We're gonna go apple picking… 395 00:15:25,152 --> 00:15:26,821 I don't… I don't pick apples. 396 00:15:27,905 --> 00:15:30,074 That… That's… That's not gonna happen. 397 00:15:30,825 --> 00:15:34,829 - Are you serious? - Because it's picking and it's apple… 398 00:15:35,538 --> 00:15:37,706 - You're serious? - That literally sounds like hell. 399 00:15:38,124 --> 00:15:39,125 Okay. 400 00:15:39,625 --> 00:15:40,626 Are we in a fight? 401 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,080 - We're not fighting. - This feels like a fight, Jess. 402 00:15:43,129 --> 00:15:44,422 This is not a fight! 403 00:15:47,007 --> 00:15:48,008 Russell, my man, 404 00:15:48,092 --> 00:15:51,178 it seems these days there's an app for everything. 405 00:15:51,262 --> 00:15:52,263 Doesn't it, though? 406 00:15:52,346 --> 00:15:53,681 Yeah, but there isn't. 407 00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:57,143 Let's say I'm out and about, you know, being mobile, 408 00:15:57,226 --> 00:15:58,644 and I wanna cut a bagel. 409 00:15:59,145 --> 00:16:00,312 Cobble a shoe. 410 00:16:00,396 --> 00:16:02,690 - Haberdash on the fly. - Is there an app for that? 411 00:16:02,773 --> 00:16:03,774 - No. - Is there? 412 00:16:03,858 --> 00:16:06,110 - Until now. - That's right. 413 00:16:06,402 --> 00:16:07,862 We now present to you. 414 00:16:09,029 --> 00:16:10,406 - Real Apps! - Real Apps! 415 00:16:10,489 --> 00:16:11,490 The prototype. 416 00:16:11,574 --> 00:16:13,242 Hmm, hmm, hmm. 417 00:16:13,617 --> 00:16:16,495 - Relapse? - Real Apps. 418 00:16:16,579 --> 00:16:18,247 - Real Apps. - Relapse? 419 00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:23,586 - Relapse? - Would you calm… 420 00:16:23,711 --> 00:16:26,231 - You called my baby "relapse"? - No, I didn't call it anything. 421 00:16:26,255 --> 00:16:27,649 - I gave you 51% of this for relapse? - Just calm down! 422 00:16:27,673 --> 00:16:29,842 Russell. Russell. Enough. Russell. 423 00:16:30,509 --> 00:16:31,653 Hold it in your hands, my man. 424 00:16:31,677 --> 00:16:33,488 - We're in the middle of something, guys. - No. 425 00:16:33,512 --> 00:16:35,598 We're great. We're fine. Show it to him, Schmidt. 426 00:16:35,681 --> 00:16:37,242 - Let me show it to him. - Yeah, but you have to… 427 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:38,326 - Here, Russell. - You're going the wrong way. 428 00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:39,351 Can't do it like that. 429 00:16:39,435 --> 00:16:40,561 Oh! Ah! 430 00:16:40,644 --> 00:16:42,581 - Oh, my God, Russell, are you okay? - No, no, no. 431 00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:43,665 - I've been stabbed! - Oh, my God. 432 00:16:43,689 --> 00:16:44,940 It wasn't ready. 433 00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:46,585 - It wasn't ready. - You called it relapse, you idiot! 434 00:16:46,609 --> 00:16:48,045 - Where are the Band-Aids? - No Band-Aids! 435 00:16:48,069 --> 00:16:51,989 What? Look, I'll get you a take-out napkin with some scotch tape. 436 00:16:52,156 --> 00:16:53,741 - Searing pain! - So sorry. 437 00:16:53,949 --> 00:16:54,992 Here. 438 00:16:55,076 --> 00:16:56,535 - Ow, ow, ow. - Oh, oh. Sorry. 439 00:16:56,619 --> 00:16:58,680 Jess, do you know what? You just taped a napkin to my hand. 440 00:16:58,704 --> 00:17:00,599 You know what? I'm gonna go. I need to be home right now. 441 00:17:00,623 --> 00:17:02,416 - Is that a problem? - No. 442 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,376 I'm fine. 443 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,128 It's great. 444 00:17:06,837 --> 00:17:07,963 We're great. 445 00:17:09,465 --> 00:17:10,466 Yeah. 446 00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:13,427 I'm sorry. Just nicked it. 447 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:21,644 - Get it all out. - I have an idea for your idea book! 448 00:17:21,769 --> 00:17:23,604 Replace the Band-Aids! 449 00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,481 - Very fair. - It's so sticky! 450 00:17:25,564 --> 00:17:26,816 Oh, I have an app for that. 451 00:17:31,487 --> 00:17:32,488 What are you doing here? 452 00:17:32,571 --> 00:17:33,906 Why aren't you at your new job? 453 00:17:35,491 --> 00:17:36,575 I'm quitting. 454 00:17:36,659 --> 00:17:37,910 You're quitting your dream job? 455 00:17:38,327 --> 00:17:39,954 Well, I mean, there's good news. 456 00:17:40,037 --> 00:17:41,705 I'm gonna keep being your nanny. 457 00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:43,349 That's what I've come to tell your mom. 458 00:17:43,416 --> 00:17:44,834 I can't let you do that. 459 00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:49,505 Mom? Mom? Winston just asked me if he can smoke weed. 460 00:17:49,630 --> 00:17:50,631 - What… What? - What? 461 00:17:50,714 --> 00:17:52,800 - No, see… - He said when we go to the park, 462 00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:53,884 he wanted to do it. 463 00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:56,262 And I get to hold it because I'm a minor. 464 00:17:56,554 --> 00:17:59,014 Where is your imagination taking you? No! 465 00:17:59,098 --> 00:18:00,418 You said that in front of my kid? 466 00:18:00,808 --> 00:18:02,226 - Gina… - Are you serious? 467 00:18:02,309 --> 00:18:03,644 Are you completely insane? 468 00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:06,522 Gina, you know me, okay? You… I'm wearing a tie and everything. 469 00:18:06,605 --> 00:18:07,916 You're never, ever gonna nanny again. 470 00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:10,401 I will destroy you on the nanny boards. 471 00:18:10,484 --> 00:18:11,670 You can count on that. Come on, Elvin. 472 00:18:11,694 --> 00:18:14,697 Let me explain. Let me… Elvin, Elvin, Elvin, hey now. 473 00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:17,020 Elvin, let's get away. Get away from the hippie. Come on. 474 00:18:20,411 --> 00:18:21,495 Bye, Winston. 475 00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:27,543 - Bye, Elvin. - No, no, don't talk to him. 476 00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,879 It's 4:20. Don't you have to be somewhere? 477 00:18:31,756 --> 00:18:32,798 Oh, no. 478 00:18:33,549 --> 00:18:34,550 The shakes. 479 00:18:35,593 --> 00:18:38,721 Six… Where are you, number six? 480 00:18:38,804 --> 00:18:40,282 Hey, Bishop, I thought you left early. 481 00:18:40,306 --> 00:18:41,586 Assumed you weren't coming back. 482 00:18:42,683 --> 00:18:43,869 There was something wrong with the shakes, 483 00:18:43,893 --> 00:18:47,146 so I went in and just threw them out because there's something wrong with 'em. 484 00:18:47,229 --> 00:18:49,583 Speaking of which, I should probably go ahead and throw that one out. 485 00:18:49,607 --> 00:18:50,900 What did you do to the shakes? 486 00:18:51,942 --> 00:18:53,194 They've been compromised. 487 00:18:53,277 --> 00:18:55,654 What did you do? 488 00:18:55,738 --> 00:18:58,449 Look. I really, really want this job, Mr. Napoli, 489 00:18:58,532 --> 00:19:01,368 and I know you're gonna fire me if I tell you what I did, 490 00:19:01,452 --> 00:19:02,870 but I would love a future here, 491 00:19:03,162 --> 00:19:05,998 and I don't want that to be jeopardized by a moment of… 492 00:19:06,791 --> 00:19:07,917 Poor judgment? 493 00:19:11,128 --> 00:19:13,339 I put my beans in your shakes. 494 00:19:14,173 --> 00:19:15,216 Yeah, and I… 495 00:19:15,299 --> 00:19:17,718 I shook it around a little bit like this. 496 00:19:18,761 --> 00:19:20,888 In there? You stuck 'em down in there, huh? 497 00:19:21,972 --> 00:19:22,973 I did. 498 00:19:28,687 --> 00:19:30,648 Oh, man! 499 00:19:33,692 --> 00:19:35,152 You know what we're gonna do? 500 00:19:35,486 --> 00:19:36,686 We're gonna do that to Kareem. 501 00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,001 - Hi. - Hi. 502 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:54,648 - I have something to say to you. - You don't have to apologize. 503 00:19:54,672 --> 00:19:55,941 Well, I'm not here to apologize. 504 00:19:55,965 --> 00:19:58,527 I'm here to fight with you and I don't care if you wanna fight or not. 505 00:19:58,551 --> 00:19:59,611 Well, all right, let's fight. 506 00:19:59,635 --> 00:20:01,905 Well, I was prepared to have a perfectly nice weekend with you, 507 00:20:01,929 --> 00:20:03,681 and you just give up, and you come home. 508 00:20:03,764 --> 00:20:06,392 Because I was bleeding from my hand. I had to go to the ER. 509 00:20:06,475 --> 00:20:07,601 I had to get a stitch. 510 00:20:07,685 --> 00:20:10,771 Ooh, stitches. I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid. 511 00:20:11,605 --> 00:20:14,275 I'm actually… I'm actually really sorry about that. 512 00:20:14,358 --> 00:20:16,861 Jess, I haven't played a drinking game in 10 years. 513 00:20:16,944 --> 00:20:18,944 The only reason I did is 'cause you asked me to. I… 514 00:20:19,321 --> 00:20:22,259 If I want to have a drink, I don't really have to play a game while I'm doing it. 515 00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:24,535 Well, that's my world. Garbage disposals don't work. 516 00:20:24,618 --> 00:20:26,454 Elevators don't pass inspection. 517 00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:28,348 - Wait. I didn't know about the elevator. - Yeah, it was, like, 518 00:20:28,372 --> 00:20:30,750 the cables were really thin. We signed a waiver. 519 00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:33,103 - They took 100 bucks off our rent. - That's really not safe! 520 00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:35,463 Well, that's where I live, and those are my friends. 521 00:20:35,755 --> 00:20:38,549 And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. 522 00:20:38,966 --> 00:20:42,011 And, Russell, my life is just as important as your life. 523 00:20:42,094 --> 00:20:43,846 And if you want to get with me, 524 00:20:43,929 --> 00:20:45,449 you're gonna have to get with my friends, 525 00:20:45,473 --> 00:20:46,724 and that is a Spice Girls song. 526 00:20:53,522 --> 00:20:54,774 We just had a fight. 527 00:20:55,274 --> 00:20:57,318 - I won. - You did not win. 528 00:20:57,401 --> 00:21:00,863 Hey, tell you what. Let's just go back to your loft and try again. 529 00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:02,698 - Let's just hang out. - Oh. 530 00:21:02,782 --> 00:21:04,784 Now? I mean… 531 00:21:05,785 --> 00:21:07,745 I just got here. Maybe later. 532 00:21:08,913 --> 00:21:10,456 Okay. 533 00:21:10,748 --> 00:21:12,249 That sounds like a plan. 534 00:21:12,875 --> 00:21:14,853 Those boxers you borrowed? I'm gonna need them back. 535 00:21:14,877 --> 00:21:17,088 - They're my lucky underpants. - Lucky underpants? 536 00:21:17,588 --> 00:21:20,091 And what are the values of the Olympic Games? 537 00:21:21,217 --> 00:21:23,636 Openness, exchange. 538 00:21:24,345 --> 00:21:27,515 The first victims of an authoritarian security regime. 539 00:21:27,932 --> 00:21:29,725 I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 540 00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:31,811 and that's "The View From Up Here."