1 00:00:00,666 --> 00:00:04,128 But you're using birth control, right? 2 00:00:04,587 --> 00:00:06,464 Yeah, of course. 3 00:00:06,547 --> 00:00:09,133 It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic 4 00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,927 that birth control becomes like one 5 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,554 of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane. 6 00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:17,058 I didn't wanna know that. 7 00:00:17,558 --> 00:00:18,601 Okay, 8 00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:20,269 the pregnancy test doesn't work 9 00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,104 until after six days. 10 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:23,898 So just get through the weekend 11 00:00:23,981 --> 00:00:25,942 and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure. 12 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,194 Yeah, no, of course not, of course. 13 00:00:28,277 --> 00:00:29,529 It's just… 14 00:00:31,405 --> 00:00:33,074 I can't stop thinking 15 00:00:33,574 --> 00:00:36,285 about what a Schmidt baby would be like. 16 00:00:36,744 --> 00:00:40,748 Just, I mean, I… I don't know. 17 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:43,417 Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day? 18 00:00:44,293 --> 00:00:45,628 Probably. 19 00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:48,965 We could make it, like, a douche baby jar. 20 00:00:52,301 --> 00:00:54,178 Oh, my God. 21 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,056 Ladies, ladies, what is all the screaming about? 22 00:00:57,181 --> 00:00:58,391 Oh, my… Jess. 23 00:00:58,474 --> 00:01:00,268 Have you finally agreed to be our third? 24 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:01,703 Because, you know, we've discussed this. 25 00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,247 - We have never talked about that, Schmidt. - What? 26 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,471 Schmidt, this is not the time. 27 00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:05,889 Schmidt, we were just thinking 28 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,740 about what you might have been like as a baby. 29 00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:11,028 Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. 30 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:13,552 I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing at eight months old. 31 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,081 They say that I needed a magnum-size diaper. 32 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,375 - Oh, my God. - Get out. Seriously? 33 00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,252 Who's that girl? 34 00:01:26,335 --> 00:01:27,336 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:28,713 Who's that girl? 36 00:01:28,796 --> 00:01:29,797 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:30,882 It's Jess! 38 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,278 All right, what's with the suit? 39 00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:36,512 And if you say swing dancing, I'm gonna slap your face. 40 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,389 Well, my boss is gonna be on TV today, 41 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:41,476 Michael Strahan's new talk show On The Strahan Narrow. 42 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:42,703 - Great show. - He's got too many DUI's 43 00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,062 to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him. 44 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:47,273 Sit in my room, Schmidt. Cece's resting. 45 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,902 Hey, guys, um, listen up. 46 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,821 Uh, Sarah is gonna be here in a few minutes, so best behavior. 47 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,323 - Who's Sarah? - Russell's daughter, 48 00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:58,201 so no F-bombs, P-bombs. 49 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,912 Actually, no B through S bombs, no bombs, 50 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,122 and no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi. 51 00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:04,957 Hey, that's not fair. 52 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,268 The girl I've been hanging out with 53 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,461 is totally mature and interesting. 54 00:02:08,669 --> 00:02:09,962 Please put on some pants. 55 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:11,398 Everything you say sounds really creepy 56 00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:12,622 when you're not wearing pants. 57 00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:14,634 - Your hair looks nice. - Ugh. 58 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,886 Mmm, this coffee is smoldering. 59 00:02:16,969 --> 00:02:18,221 So creepy. 60 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:19,406 So what's with the babysitting? 61 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:20,491 I think he's actually testing me. 62 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,225 I think he's seeing if I can be a mom. 63 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,228 - Are you nervous? - It's nothing I can't handle. 64 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:26,479 I'm halfway there, I'm already her teacher, so… 65 00:02:26,687 --> 00:02:28,105 Oh, she's here. 66 00:02:28,397 --> 00:02:31,901 Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants 67 00:02:32,401 --> 00:02:33,861 or at least some really high socks. 68 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:35,321 High socks it is. 69 00:02:35,571 --> 00:02:36,572 Hi, Ms. Day. 70 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,782 Hi, Sarah. 71 00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:40,368 I can be here in under five minutes if I need to be. 72 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:43,996 Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, 73 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,748 except my husband's out of town, 74 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,917 and you're Sarah's favorite teacher 75 00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:49,752 and my husband's favorite teacher. 76 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:55,049 Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, but, um, 77 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,468 you keep saying "husband" 78 00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:00,388 and I just want to make sure you and Russell, you're not still married? 79 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:03,516 Oh. No, no. 80 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,121 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't 81 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,745 some very important piece of information 82 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:09,981 that I totally missed. 83 00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,483 No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband. 84 00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,193 You know what I mean. 85 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:15,653 Yeah. 86 00:03:15,736 --> 00:03:18,489 Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly? 87 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:21,450 Cece's acting really weird. 88 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,219 Do you think she's getting tired of me? 89 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,414 I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. 90 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:29,057 I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra? 91 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:31,603 - I'm not listening to you. - I'm just, I'm just saying, look, 92 00:03:31,627 --> 00:03:33,467 do you think she wants something more than sex? 93 00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:35,935 Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 94 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:37,633 'Cause I can't handle that, man. 95 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,278 - Hey, boss. - What are you doing? 96 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,053 - Hmm? Wait, no… - Look… 97 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,698 - Yesterday you said noon… - Do you think that I've… 98 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,324 - But it's only 10:30. - Become too dependent 99 00:03:44,348 --> 00:03:45,558 - on a hot lava massage? - Hmm? 100 00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:48,436 - I'm gonna be there in a second, okay? - What about costumes? 101 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,456 - I got to go, bye. - You think I made her dress up too much? 102 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,665 Look, man, I'm not gonna sit here 103 00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:53,125 and bond with you about this, all right? 104 00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,484 I got to go babysit my boss. 105 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,754 Hey, Schmidt, you gonna stay for dinner? 106 00:03:57,778 --> 00:03:59,089 We're going to borrow your pasta maker. 107 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,907 Oh, that's great, are you gonna teach Sarah 108 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,658 your recipe for overcooked mush? 109 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,744 Ha, ha, no, I'm teaching her about Italy. 110 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:05,912 I'm coming with a date. 111 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,288 - Chloe. - Uh, no, you're not. 112 00:04:07,371 --> 00:04:09,451 You are not bringing any of those girls around Sarah. 113 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,583 Hey, you must be Sarah. 114 00:04:10,666 --> 00:04:12,418 And you guys are wrong about Chloe. 115 00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:14,921 Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature 116 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:18,382 and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy 117 00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,051 and the guy who did the Obama poster 118 00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:21,761 and, you know, like, chalk outline guy. 119 00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:24,931 That's stupid. 120 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,391 Your eyes are so brown. 121 00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:28,810 They look like poop. 122 00:04:29,977 --> 00:04:31,622 Be honest with me, do my eyes look like poo? 123 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,397 There's a bit of a poopy-ish hue. 124 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:34,565 Old poo eyes. 125 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,783 Oh, hey. 126 00:04:43,991 --> 00:04:45,159 I like your house. 127 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,285 It's not my house! 128 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,411 - Go, go! - What? 129 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,622 Go! 130 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:54,669 - What's going on? - What are you talking about, man? 131 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:57,672 I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes. 132 00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,066 - What do you think is going on? - I don't know, 133 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,359 I'm just trying to give you an opportunity 134 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,103 to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite. 135 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,721 Actually, the ancient Egyptians made pasta 136 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,682 by flattening the dough with their feet. 137 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,059 Cool, huh? 138 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,353 Sarah? 139 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:18,609 Hey. 140 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,737 Why do you have so many bras? 141 00:05:22,029 --> 00:05:23,197 You're a teacher. 142 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:24,615 Teachers need bras, too. 143 00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:27,326 You know, like, all that erasing and stuff. 144 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:29,704 It's like… 145 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,247 That's an after-school bra. 146 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:34,709 Can I get out of doing homework 147 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:35,894 because you're dating my dad? 148 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:36,961 No. 149 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:39,589 Um, hey, I know having your teacher 150 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:42,592 dating your dad is weird, um, but. 151 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,637 I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything. 152 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,183 - Really? - Yeah, anything. 153 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,976 Are you in love with my dad? 154 00:05:52,059 --> 00:05:53,853 Hmm. Oh. 155 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,938 Do you and my dad ever dry-lump? 156 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,526 - Is sexting cool? - What? No, it's not cool. 157 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,653 Have you done a 99? 158 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,655 I think that's a tax form. 159 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,033 Have you ever given anyone plow chops? 160 00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:08,117 I don't know. 161 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,703 How do you make love to a person animal-style? 162 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,040 Do you wanna learn how to play bridge? 163 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,754 I've been doing some thinking, and… 164 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,424 I think it's time that I take you on a real date. 165 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,718 You're asking me out on a date? 166 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,202 Yeah, it'll be our first real date. 167 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:29,472 Now, Italy on ice is a celebration 168 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:30,973 of all things Italian 169 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,767 featuring ice dancing's 170 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,685 biggest and brightest Italian stars. 171 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:37,355 Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, 172 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,358 but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't. 173 00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:41,067 I can't go right now. 174 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,902 It's a really bad time, okay? 175 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,905 I'm sorry, just take someone else. 176 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:47,949 You mean, like another girl? 177 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:51,118 Yeah, Schmidt, that's what this is. 178 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,620 That's the deal. 179 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,247 Just take someone else, okay? 180 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,891 All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just… 181 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,792 I'll ask somebody else, I'll just… Yeah. 182 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,628 Totally, and with these VIP tickets 183 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,296 I got… Poppacorno. 184 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,923 - What? - Poppacorno. 185 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,466 Poppacorno. 186 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,926 It's popcorn in Italian. 187 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,763 I don't think you should be rushing into these things. 188 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,683 - You need to look for a partner who is… - Ew. 189 00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:16,561 - You said "partner." - I know, that sucked. 190 00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:18,396 I'm sorry. 191 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:21,983 Look, as your friend Jess, not Ms. Day, 192 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,361 just choose someone who makes you laugh. 193 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:28,823 - Like Nick? - Yeah, I mean, wait, what? 194 00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:32,535 Oh, my God, Oh, my God, I love Nick so, so, so much. He's so hot. 195 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:33,953 - That Nick? - I want to rub 196 00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:37,039 my face on his face. 197 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,878 Just to be clear, I am dialing 198 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,255 another woman to go see Italy on ice right now. 199 00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:45,590 That's fine, do it. 200 00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:46,674 Hey, guys, not now. 201 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,551 - Oh, it's ringing. - Don't care. 202 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:50,678 This room cannot take any more hormones. 203 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,306 I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary 204 00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:54,765 with low-brow youth culture. 205 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,144 It's almost too much juxtaposition for me. You know what I mean? 206 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,480 It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, 207 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,064 but I think I'm gonna let it slide. 208 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,858 Hey, I gotta… Yes. 209 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,568 You've got Nick. 210 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:07,612 Hey, Nick-ole. 211 00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,715 - What's going on, Schmidt? - What it be, girl? 212 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:10,990 What you got going on, ma? 213 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:12,617 It's the freakin' weekend. 214 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,220 - Did you just call me "girl"? - Are you wearing something sexy? 215 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,098 Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always. 216 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,916 Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight? 217 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,852 Hmm, they're a little loose, I buy 'em big. 218 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,920 Oh, them jeans sound sexy. 219 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,440 Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt? 220 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,901 You taking care of that tushy, taking care of that tushy for me? 221 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,843 I'm not doing, like, squats or anything. 222 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,029 I'm trying to eat less doughnuts. 223 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,262 You still keeping it tight? 224 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:35,598 You're an idiot. 225 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,725 What? 226 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,936 I thought this is what you wanted. 227 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,179 This is a really good example 228 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,397 of people who should not be making love. 229 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,958 - Have fun. - Cece, are you okay? 230 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,442 Damn it! 231 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,529 You don't understand, I love Nick so, so, so much. 232 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,155 He's so hot, I'm gonna die! 233 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,449 Sarah, Nick is way too old for you. 234 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,284 I live with him. He is dirty and weird. 235 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,953 No, no, no, no! 236 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,246 Sarah, not Nick's room! 237 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,039 It's not well-ventilated in there! 238 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,041 Let's see, we'll get there a little early, 239 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,668 maybe get you in the shower, 240 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,419 maybe a once-over with some disinfectant. 241 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,963 Hmm, hey. 242 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,256 Yard sale, pull over. 243 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,758 - No. - Someone rich died, I can smell it. 244 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,162 Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time. 245 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,638 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? 246 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,825 - I'll push you out of the car, okay? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 247 00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:19,892 Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, yard sale, yeah. 248 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:20,977 Oh, I feel so alive. 249 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,520 Ah, I got a charley horse. 250 00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:23,896 Oh, God. 251 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,023 Hey, Sarah. 252 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:27,971 Can you come out of Nick's room? 253 00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:29,986 I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes. 254 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,612 - Jess, Schmidt asked me out. - Oh. 255 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,906 Like, he came over and he asked me out, 256 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,884 and I really can't go on a date with him right now. 257 00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,952 Okay. 258 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,680 - Sarah! - I've had enough of this little… 259 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,098 - Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me. 260 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,498 All right, you little brat! 261 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,709 You just need to be quiet because I need my friend 262 00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:46,169 to focus on me right now! 263 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,670 What are you doing, Cece? 264 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:49,297 You know how much this means to me. 265 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,716 Don't let your dysfunction rub off on her. 266 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,926 I am gonna be a terrible mother. 267 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,470 - No, no, no. - A terrible mom! 268 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,073 I'm gonna be just like my mother. 269 00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,158 You're gonna be a great mom. 270 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:01,493 - You're gonna be a fashionable mom. - I can make this right, okay? 271 00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:02,768 Just… 272 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,895 Sarah? 273 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,189 Hey, Sarah. 274 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,607 Um, look, 275 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:10,985 you should definitely not be having sex right now 276 00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,529 at this age, but when you do 277 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,239 just make sure you always use protection 278 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,867 because, even if he says it's tantric 279 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,785 and you're Indian and you know better, 280 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,954 you're just gonna end up pregnant anyways. 281 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:23,873 What? 282 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,085 Cece, are you pregnant? 283 00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:29,462 Whoa! 284 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,005 Sarah, Nick has one tie. 285 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,381 See if you can find it. 286 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,300 No, okay, I don't know. 287 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:37,053 We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late. 288 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:38,930 Oh. 289 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:40,890 Oh, my… 290 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,642 We made a caramel miracle. 291 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,686 You pregnant, you pregnant. 292 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,439 Oh, my God. 293 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:53,152 You got Cece pregnant? 294 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,238 We used protection. I don't know how this happened. 295 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,174 - Think she did it on purpose? - An Indian-Jewish baby, 296 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,134 who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure. 297 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,452 Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent. Don't ask. 298 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,412 - No one's asking you. - Phew, good. 299 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,706 - I'm not ready to be an uncle. - You're not my brother! 300 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,000 Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this? 301 00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,395 'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact that you're not freaking out! 302 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,130 Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing. 303 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,801 Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, 304 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,970 but maybe this is fate. 305 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,596 You know, maybe I hit the jackpot. 306 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,157 Maybe this is the universe telling me 307 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,141 that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece. 308 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,102 By, the way, I'm… I'm Schmidt. 309 00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:28,229 Chloe. Mazel tov on your news. 310 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:30,022 Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas. 311 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,441 - You bring home a nice girl. - Right? 312 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,617 So, that was crazy 313 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,286 what happened with my friends, right? 314 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,704 I liked it. 315 00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,247 Your life's like Gossip Girl, 316 00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,374 only everyone is old and poor. 317 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,960 You know, there actually was a show like that. 318 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,462 It was called Golden Girls. 319 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,132 I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan… 320 00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,800 Don't you think Nick is hot? 321 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,262 Nick? Um, yeah, 322 00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:04,891 in a rumpled, small-town PI kind of way. 323 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,934 What's he like in the morning? 324 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,519 Do his eyes get sleepy? 325 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,021 Does he love stuff? 326 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,355 I wanna love what he loves. 327 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,609 Do you think that we'll ever do animal style? 328 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,277 Four minutes! We eat in four! 329 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:19,405 I made you a mocktail. 330 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,159 - Cece, are you crying? - No. No. 331 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,953 No. I… I just… I don't… I don't know. 332 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,164 You are an amazing woman, 333 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:32,919 and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. 334 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,421 Maybe you'll be a mom, 335 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,381 and maybe, maybe not. 336 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,511 But I will support you no matter what. 337 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,099 Thank you. 338 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,519 I also just wanna give you a quick heads-up. 339 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,396 I'm probably gonna be going on the Internet 340 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,940 before we have sex again, because 341 00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:57,985 I just… I don't wanna impregnate the baby, you know? 342 00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:01,197 I mean, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands. 343 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:10,414 So, Sarah and I learned 344 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,750 to use the pasta maker today, which was cool. 345 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,128 - Are you and Nick making love? - Hmm? 346 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:16,754 Who wants seconds? That's my question. 347 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,565 Yeah, I would love seconds, Jess. That'd be great. 348 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,091 If you're a boy, I'm gonna… 349 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:23,219 I'm gonna name you Mordecai or Abraham, 350 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,181 Menachem Menandel, Schmerson. 351 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,268 Hey! I'm watching you. 352 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,976 - Well, time for dessert. - No, please don't get up. 353 00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:35,064 I will take care of it. 354 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,441 Oh, thank you. That's so thoughtful. 355 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,485 See? Thoughtful and mature. 356 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,445 In your face! Yes! 357 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:45,241 Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. 358 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,869 You win. Why don't you get on her health care plan? 359 00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:52,248 I'm so excited to take this journey with you. 360 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:57,128 I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous. 361 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,630 Sarah, do you wanna go help Chloe with the dessert? 362 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,594 - I hate her. - Oh, come on, you don't hate her. 363 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,235 You don't know her well enough to hate her. 364 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,552 Yes, I do! I know her. 365 00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,220 She used to ride on my school bus. 366 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,805 - No, no, no, that's… - What? 367 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,474 Oh, my God. 368 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,160 That's why you look so familiar! 369 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,895 You were that crazy little kindergartner who had, like, 370 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,688 - the imaginary friends. - Oh. 371 00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,440 You're the skank with the skank face. 372 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,735 Sarah, I know you're trying to look cool in front of you know who… 373 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,028 What? You told him? 374 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,297 - No! I did not tell him. - You just told him! 375 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,156 Oh, my God, Jess! 376 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,202 What are you saying? 377 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,204 When was the last time you were on a school bus? 378 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,081 - Last year. - How old are you? 379 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,250 Eighteen. 380 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,586 Hey, you know what, Chloe? 381 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:39,837 I actually think I subbed 382 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,356 for your eighth-grade English class. 383 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,049 That's right! Hi, Ms. Day! 384 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,175 Hi. 385 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,240 Well, it's a good thing I got you an extra shirt, 'cause… 386 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:52,183 Whoa! Joe, Joe! 387 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,494 Where you going? Where you going? Wait. 388 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,103 Where are you going? Uh, sorry about this, man. 389 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,856 Hey, don't make me chase you! Do not make me chase you! 390 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,817 Joe, come back! 391 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,695 - Oh! - Are you okay? 392 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,572 Leave me alone. 393 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,116 So, come on, man. What's up? 394 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,328 Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot. 395 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:16,582 Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me. 396 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,143 He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, 397 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,293 he's the best at everything. 398 00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:21,254 What's he better than you at? Huh? 399 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,965 Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say. 400 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,484 - Probably he's better than you at that. - Well… 401 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,903 - He's not better than you at yard sales. - He's good at yard sales. 402 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,321 Yeah, but he's not better than you. 403 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:31,115 Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk into that studio, 404 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,200 and you're gonna show him the Napoli that I saw today. 405 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,184 The one that I saw grabbed seven copies 406 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,354 of Speed on VHS at a yard sale 407 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,273 for a fraction of the retail price. 408 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,441 When's the last time Strahan did that? 409 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,467 Boom. You're not gonna let him win. 410 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,862 Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it. 411 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,131 - I'm gonna do it. - You're gonna do it? 412 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,906 - That guy's a B-hole. - He's a B-hole! 413 00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,717 You know what? If you were a woman, 414 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,869 or even dressed as a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable. 415 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:54,996 Mmm. 416 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,124 Eighteen years old. She was 18 years old. 417 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,334 She doesn't even know what Netscape is. 418 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,087 Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor. 419 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,465 This is a disaster! Ouli's downstairs. 420 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,383 She called me. She wants to be let up. 421 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,403 Sarah's in my room because she fell in love with you 422 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,678 for some unknown reason. 423 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,521 I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia 424 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,223 because you make children cry. 425 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,517 And you, I might as well call you. 426 00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:17,935 Indian in the Cupboard, because 427 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,438 you put an Indian in… Never mind. 428 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:23,441 I will not apologize for my powerful sperm. 429 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,234 Shut up, both of you! 430 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,237 We're gonna fix this, 'cause I'm not losing Russell because 431 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,282 you two have to make and/or date babies. 432 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,201 You, go stall Ouli. 433 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,827 Try not to get her pregnant. 434 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,162 You, come with me 435 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,247 and get Sarah out of my room. Now! 436 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,351 - I gonna go do Ouli. - Yeah, I'm gonna go do this. 437 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,376 Yeah. All right. 438 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:47,715 Ouli? 439 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,134 Oh, my God, it's, it's Schmidt. 440 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,011 How are you? 441 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,138 Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. 442 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,473 Great. 443 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,225 Yeah. Havasu. 444 00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,812 '99. I was on the boat, remember? 445 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,623 - No. I… - We were just… We were… Yeah. 446 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:06,275 - Winter Olympics. Uh-huh. 2006. - No. 447 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,652 Bobsled. 448 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,154 Sarah, I know that you think 449 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:11,423 you're in love with me right now, 450 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:14,367 but I promise you, you're gonna find someone better. 451 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,119 No! No, I never will! 452 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,746 I can be a bit of an anchor. 453 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,289 I've been known to drag women down. 454 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,707 - That is true. - Save me. 455 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,126 What? This is so entertaining. 456 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:24,460 Okay, Jess, honestly, help me. 457 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,604 - I don't know what to do. - All right. 458 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,421 Okay, just tell her something about 459 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,048 life or something. 460 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,342 Hey, Sarah? 461 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,387 Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me 462 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,264 in a very long time, 463 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:38,891 and I miss that feeling. 464 00:17:39,851 --> 00:17:42,687 The feeling you have is good. It's just misplaced. 465 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,773 It's better than being numb your whole life. 466 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,775 You end up doing such weird things. 467 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:49,443 You know what? Just stay in there. 468 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:50,987 It's not that great out here. 469 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,655 Stay in there as long as you can. 470 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,073 He's kidding, Sarah. 471 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,325 You should definitely, definitely come out. 472 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,619 Oh, my God. The Melman funeral? 473 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:01,122 - No. - We were both sitting next to… 474 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,915 To Uncle Jack? 475 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:05,418 - Yeah, sure. - I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel… 476 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,880 Oh, my… I used to do your hair in Tribeca. 477 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,258 - Sarah? Sarah, please come out. - Sarah, please. 478 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,385 I can't come out. I'm too embarrassed. 479 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,888 In front of us? We are literally 480 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,991 the most embarrassing people on the planet. Trust me. 481 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,017 Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us. 482 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,269 Sometimes I talk louder to blind people. 483 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,564 I'm 30 years old, and I've peed in every pool I've been into. 484 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,608 - Every single one. - Ew. 485 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,945 I originally grew these bangs 'cause I hate my forehead. 486 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,234 I still think it's funny when a guy puts tennis balls 487 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,908 under his shirt and pretends it's boobs. 488 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:39,595 They look like little boobs. 489 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:40,786 I know. 490 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,164 Come on, Sarah! 491 00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:46,042 Look, I do so many stupid things. 492 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,835 You don't even know. I mean, like, 493 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,713 falling for your dad, that was 494 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:54,300 so crazy, and I… I understand why you're confused. 495 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:55,510 I'm confused. 496 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,179 I'm not confused. I'm stuck. 497 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,807 What? Oh, my God. 498 00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:02,367 - Oh. - I don't know how to get them off. 499 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,019 Okay. Oh, okay. I'll get the front. 500 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,395 I'll get the back. 501 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,772 Hey, hey, guys, she's coming. 502 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,855 Ouli's coming. I failed. I failed. I'm sorry. Uh… 503 00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:11,692 Hi, Ouli. Um… 504 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,737 Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter? 505 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,865 There is a God! I got my period! 506 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,451 It's so amazing! Oh, my God. 507 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,286 Mmm. I got my period. 508 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:26,124 - She got her period. - So happy! 509 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,927 Welcome to our home. Would you like a drink? 510 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,089 You have a beautiful daughter 511 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,675 and a beautiful ex-husband. 512 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,093 I mean… 513 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,931 Bye, Nick. I'm kind of over you now. 514 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,432 Okay. 515 00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:46,144 Thank you. 516 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:47,827 Thanks, Jess. I had a really great time. 517 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:50,439 Thanks, Sarah. Goodbye. 518 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,984 Your mom doesn't have to know everything. 519 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,319 - Heard that. Let's go. - Okay. 520 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,864 - Thanks for coming by. - Oh, sure. 521 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,283 - Bye, Sarah. See you at school. - Bye. 522 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,450 Bye, Ouli. You ruley. 523 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:03,452 Bye, Jess. You're a mess. 524 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,959 I'm not having kids till I'm 80. 525 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,422 Now we can just go back to the way things were. 526 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,094 You can go on your date. 527 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,223 Right. Nicole, mmm-hmm. 528 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,603 No more stupid mistakes, right? 529 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,314 Right. 530 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,275 I'm gonna… I'm gonna go. 531 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,735 - Go do your thing. - Yeah. 532 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,404 Oh, wait. Oh, okay. 533 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,673 - Okay, Cece, let's just… - Yeah. 534 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:40,966 You know, there's a marathon downtown, 535 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,301 - and I don't want you to hit the traffic. - Okay. 536 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,635 - Okay. Thank you. - So let's just, head down. 537 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,554 - That's very thought of you. - Don't hit the top. 538 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,413 All right, you in, you in, you in? Good, okay. 539 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,374 Terrible car for a baby anyway. 540 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,178 Ooh. 541 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,019 I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidtty. 542 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,521 It's so much more. 543 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,690 She's okay. You're awesome! 544 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,235 The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. 545 00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:18,778 What a move! 546 00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:22,240 Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? 547 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,717 Hey, if you're gonna play a gondolier, 548 00:21:23,741 --> 00:21:25,535 you better skate like a gondolier. 549 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,621 You know what, Schmidtty? Here's this idea. 550 00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:30,373 We should buy skaters. 551 00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,459 Yeah! 552 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:36,462 Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you.