1 00:00:02,550 --> 00:00:04,885 Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. 2 00:00:04,969 --> 00:00:07,221 As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. 3 00:00:07,305 --> 00:00:09,974 I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia. 4 00:00:10,057 --> 00:00:12,602 I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, 5 00:00:12,685 --> 00:00:15,021 and I closed myself up again. 6 00:00:15,104 --> 00:00:16,873 The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi… 7 00:00:16,897 --> 00:00:17,937 - Off topic. - Off-putting. 8 00:00:17,982 --> 00:00:19,150 Okay. I agree. 9 00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:22,361 So I've decided to give up on women, 10 00:00:22,445 --> 00:00:24,447 and put all that energy into 11 00:00:24,530 --> 00:00:26,407 tomatoes! 12 00:00:26,490 --> 00:00:28,427 You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid. 13 00:00:28,451 --> 00:00:30,178 Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something. 14 00:00:30,202 --> 00:00:31,495 Guys, I have a whole speech! 15 00:00:31,579 --> 00:00:33,372 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys. 16 00:00:33,456 --> 00:00:36,959 I told him not to lead with tomatoes, but he did. 17 00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:39,420 As his friends, don't you want to know why 18 00:00:39,503 --> 00:00:40,755 he wants to plant tomatoes? 19 00:00:40,838 --> 00:00:42,757 Is it because he wants tomatoes? 20 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,600 This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning. 21 00:00:44,634 --> 00:00:46,677 He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. 22 00:00:46,761 --> 00:00:48,155 He is turning over a new leaf. He is… 23 00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:49,281 Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now. 24 00:00:49,305 --> 00:00:50,365 Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit. 25 00:00:50,389 --> 00:00:51,807 Okay, but you did it again. 26 00:00:51,891 --> 00:00:53,660 - It's ripe with plant metaphors. Sorry. - Okay, but stop. 27 00:00:53,684 --> 00:00:55,037 I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing 28 00:00:55,061 --> 00:00:56,661 that there's a possibility of happiness. 29 00:00:56,729 --> 00:00:58,206 He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight. 30 00:00:58,230 --> 00:00:59,982 - Go. - Sorry. 31 00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:03,402 Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so… 32 00:01:03,486 --> 00:01:04,904 No, you have no idea. 33 00:01:04,987 --> 00:01:06,632 No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time. 34 00:01:06,656 --> 00:01:09,096 - I think we all have a pretty good idea. - Pretty clear idea. 35 00:01:09,784 --> 00:01:12,370 Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. 36 00:01:12,453 --> 00:01:14,997 You almost made a person. Think about that! 37 00:01:15,081 --> 00:01:17,333 Jess, you're dating the man 38 00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:18,727 that I could see myself growing old with. 39 00:01:18,751 --> 00:01:20,294 Russell, you got a great-looking face. 40 00:01:20,378 --> 00:01:22,588 Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. 41 00:01:22,672 --> 00:01:23,965 Don't let that one slip away. 42 00:01:24,048 --> 00:01:25,108 It's getting a little weird, Nick. 43 00:01:25,132 --> 00:01:26,217 So, without further ado… 44 00:01:27,093 --> 00:01:29,303 Water, the source of life. 45 00:01:30,763 --> 00:01:32,014 Whoa! 46 00:01:33,891 --> 00:01:36,143 It's okay, I got two of them. You know what? 47 00:01:36,227 --> 00:01:37,746 Go downstairs, if you want! I don't care! 48 00:01:37,770 --> 00:01:40,398 I got tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! 49 00:01:40,481 --> 00:01:41,857 Freeze frame! 50 00:01:41,941 --> 00:01:43,818 When I'm up in the air and the legs are there. 51 00:01:46,737 --> 00:01:48,239 Who's that girl? 52 00:01:48,322 --> 00:01:49,323 Who's that girl? 53 00:01:49,407 --> 00:01:50,408 It's Jess! 54 00:01:56,539 --> 00:01:59,583 Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. 55 00:01:59,959 --> 00:02:01,877 Uh, it's actually Schmidt. 56 00:02:01,961 --> 00:02:04,255 Um, we've met, uh, many times. 57 00:02:04,338 --> 00:02:07,967 Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. 58 00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:10,678 You sound like dog being stepped on. 59 00:02:12,763 --> 00:02:15,141 Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. 60 00:02:15,224 --> 00:02:17,143 I like to create a free environment in the sack. 61 00:02:17,226 --> 00:02:19,353 Hey. What's going on here? 62 00:02:19,437 --> 00:02:20,688 I like his face. 63 00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:22,898 I want to punch, punch, punch! 64 00:02:23,774 --> 00:02:25,067 Beautiful women, 65 00:02:25,151 --> 00:02:27,278 you guys can say just about anything, can't you? 66 00:02:27,361 --> 00:02:30,323 - So what are you doing here? - So, look, we've barely spoken 67 00:02:30,406 --> 00:02:32,867 since I almost impregnated you. 68 00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:34,469 You know, it's just, it's this whole thing 69 00:02:34,493 --> 00:02:35,870 has just kind of got me thinking. 70 00:02:35,953 --> 00:02:38,706 Maybe this is just too intense, 71 00:02:38,789 --> 00:02:40,333 and we should stop. 72 00:02:42,877 --> 00:02:44,003 That's what you want? 73 00:02:44,086 --> 00:02:45,606 It's how I feel right now, yeah, yeah. 74 00:02:45,671 --> 00:02:48,215 Oh. Coolio. 75 00:02:48,299 --> 00:02:50,593 So he goes out with me. 76 00:02:51,594 --> 00:02:52,634 Oh, Nadia, I think that… 77 00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:53,846 I think that's a great idea. 78 00:02:53,930 --> 00:02:56,015 I mean, that's what you want, right? 79 00:02:56,098 --> 00:02:58,768 Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me. 80 00:02:58,851 --> 00:03:00,561 Yay! We have fun. 81 00:03:00,645 --> 00:03:02,772 I make him put on black shawl, 82 00:03:02,855 --> 00:03:04,899 pretend he's Grandma. 83 00:03:06,817 --> 00:03:08,361 Fine, twist my arm. 84 00:03:08,444 --> 00:03:09,880 I'll go out with the hot Russian model 85 00:03:09,904 --> 00:03:12,365 whose ancestors probably burned down 86 00:03:12,448 --> 00:03:13,741 my ancestors' village. 87 00:03:13,824 --> 00:03:15,409 Something weird happened to me today. 88 00:03:15,493 --> 00:03:19,497 I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli. 89 00:03:21,082 --> 00:03:22,833 Jess, hi! 90 00:03:22,917 --> 00:03:25,127 - Ouli! - Oh, that's a great swimsuit. 91 00:03:25,211 --> 00:03:26,754 Thank you. 92 00:03:28,047 --> 00:03:30,424 Wow, someone's been working out. 93 00:03:30,508 --> 00:03:32,134 You back's like a bag of ropes. 94 00:03:32,218 --> 00:03:33,970 Oh, mama. 95 00:03:34,053 --> 00:03:35,763 It was really foggy, 96 00:03:35,846 --> 00:03:38,099 and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, 97 00:03:38,182 --> 00:03:41,811 and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight. 98 00:03:41,894 --> 00:03:42,895 - What? - You did what? 99 00:03:42,979 --> 00:03:44,063 It's just that, like, 100 00:03:44,146 --> 00:03:45,773 Ouli is like this looming presence, 101 00:03:45,856 --> 00:03:48,109 and we don't talk about it, and I don't know, 102 00:03:48,192 --> 00:03:50,444 I thought it would be, like, good for us. 103 00:03:50,528 --> 00:03:52,381 - Everything okay with Russell? - Everything's fine. 104 00:03:52,405 --> 00:03:53,715 I know it's gonna be tense at first, 105 00:03:53,739 --> 00:03:55,700 'cause Ouli's not Russell's favorite person, 106 00:03:55,783 --> 00:03:57,827 but I grew up with divorced parents, 107 00:03:57,910 --> 00:04:00,663 and I'm really good at navigating these situations. 108 00:04:00,746 --> 00:04:02,790 - What did I do? - Nothing! 109 00:04:02,873 --> 00:04:04,583 Mommy's all right. 110 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:06,168 Daddy's all right. 111 00:04:06,252 --> 00:04:09,255 They just seem a little weird. 112 00:04:09,338 --> 00:04:11,841 Surrender, surrender. 113 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,135 Don't tap-dance at dinner. 114 00:04:14,218 --> 00:04:16,304 Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner? 115 00:04:16,387 --> 00:04:18,507 - Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess. - Don't do it. 116 00:04:19,807 --> 00:04:20,933 Hi. 117 00:04:21,017 --> 00:04:22,143 - Hi. - I'm sorry I'm late. 118 00:04:22,226 --> 00:04:23,769 - Hi! - Hi! 119 00:04:23,853 --> 00:04:26,731 Hey, remember last time we were hugging? 120 00:04:26,814 --> 00:04:28,858 You were naked. That was weird. 121 00:04:28,941 --> 00:04:29,942 No! 122 00:04:30,026 --> 00:04:31,861 No, that's not weird at all. 123 00:04:31,944 --> 00:04:33,571 I have no problem being naked. 124 00:04:33,654 --> 00:04:35,156 Hi. 125 00:04:35,239 --> 00:04:36,240 Hi. 126 00:04:37,366 --> 00:04:40,369 How are the quesadillas? 127 00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:41,972 You know what? I've actually never had them. 128 00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:43,372 Oh, the eye roll. 129 00:04:43,456 --> 00:04:44,957 Mmm. Miss that. 130 00:04:45,041 --> 00:04:46,584 I didn't actually roll my eyes. 131 00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:48,467 I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling. 132 00:04:49,879 --> 00:04:51,213 Hey, Ouli. 133 00:04:51,297 --> 00:04:52,423 Mmm. 134 00:04:52,506 --> 00:04:53,758 I love your name. 135 00:04:53,841 --> 00:04:55,009 Thank you. 136 00:04:55,092 --> 00:04:57,345 Or should I say gracias? 137 00:05:00,932 --> 00:05:02,350 Uh… 138 00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:03,517 Oh. 139 00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:09,941 - Well, this is fun. - Yeah. 140 00:05:10,024 --> 00:05:12,610 - It is. - Should we get, like, 141 00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:14,737 eight more of these, right? 142 00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:16,500 - I love this song. - Oh, I hate this song. 143 00:05:18,824 --> 00:05:20,910 When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, 144 00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:23,204 Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive. 145 00:05:23,287 --> 00:05:25,557 Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours if you hadn't gotten lost. 146 00:05:25,581 --> 00:05:28,209 At one point we were just following some donkeys. 147 00:05:28,292 --> 00:05:29,919 Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food! 148 00:05:30,002 --> 00:05:32,338 - I love food. - They were not donkeys! 149 00:05:32,421 --> 00:05:34,548 I can't even remember what we were talking about. 150 00:05:34,632 --> 00:05:36,634 It wasn't a road. 151 00:05:36,717 --> 00:05:38,946 For the millionth time, just because a road's not on a map, 152 00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:40,221 doesn't mean it's not a road! 153 00:05:40,304 --> 00:05:41,305 Inside voice. 154 00:05:41,389 --> 00:05:42,699 You know what means it's not a road? 155 00:05:42,723 --> 00:05:44,976 When there are guys in tanks telling you to turn around. 156 00:05:45,059 --> 00:05:46,411 Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep! 157 00:05:46,435 --> 00:05:47,475 Car gets stuck in the mud, 158 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,980 and no, you could not move it. 159 00:05:49,063 --> 00:05:51,166 - Oh, here it is. - Because God forbid you break a nail! 160 00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:53,150 I got one manicure, one time! 161 00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,545 - I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this! - Oh, no, you're not doing this! 162 00:05:55,569 --> 00:05:58,322 Ouli's all right Russell's all right. 163 00:05:58,406 --> 00:06:01,951 They just seem a little weird. 164 00:06:02,034 --> 00:06:05,204 Surrender, surrender 165 00:06:05,288 --> 00:06:07,391 - I'm leaving. - You mean before you get your quesadillas? 166 00:06:07,415 --> 00:06:08,916 That's it. 167 00:06:15,673 --> 00:06:17,049 It was crazy. 168 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,218 There was, like, serious heat between them. 169 00:06:19,302 --> 00:06:20,487 Does she still have feelings for him? 170 00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:21,679 Maybe. 171 00:06:22,888 --> 00:06:24,140 - Hey, Schmidt. - What up? 172 00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:26,392 So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight. 173 00:06:26,475 --> 00:06:27,893 - I bet. - Make sure, uh, 174 00:06:27,977 --> 00:06:29,103 you use protection. 175 00:06:29,186 --> 00:06:30,855 She's a foreigner, Cece. 176 00:06:30,938 --> 00:06:32,773 - What, do I look like an idiot? - Seriously, 177 00:06:32,857 --> 00:06:34,859 she doesn't even know where she's been, all right? 178 00:06:34,942 --> 00:06:36,652 What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 179 00:06:36,736 --> 00:06:38,988 'Cause the clawses are coming out. 180 00:06:40,531 --> 00:06:43,117 The claws are coming out? You know… 181 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,869 You're being catty, Cece. 182 00:06:48,873 --> 00:06:50,750 Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? 183 00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:54,670 She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. 184 00:06:54,754 --> 00:06:56,648 Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him? 185 00:06:56,672 --> 00:06:58,215 It doesn't matter if I like him. 186 00:06:58,299 --> 00:07:00,593 - It's over. - And you're fine with that? 187 00:07:00,676 --> 00:07:02,887 - Yeah. - Are you? 188 00:07:02,970 --> 00:07:04,555 Yeah. 189 00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:05,848 Are you? 190 00:07:05,932 --> 00:07:07,183 - Yeah. - Hold up. Are you? 191 00:07:07,266 --> 00:07:08,935 - I am gonna kill you. - But are you? 192 00:07:14,106 --> 00:07:15,816 - Hey, Nick. - What? 193 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,693 Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? 194 00:07:17,777 --> 00:07:18,819 I mean, he is the cutest. 195 00:07:18,903 --> 00:07:20,780 Just the absolute cutest. 196 00:07:20,863 --> 00:07:23,908 All right, take a look at this picture where he woke up on my face. 197 00:07:23,991 --> 00:07:26,160 Can't even see my face. I look like a cat man. 198 00:07:28,621 --> 00:07:30,748 No! No! Get out of here, birds! 199 00:07:30,831 --> 00:07:32,667 Please get out of here, you sky rats! 200 00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:35,378 Go back to hell where you belong! 201 00:07:35,461 --> 00:07:38,214 Leave me and my plants alone! I need this! 202 00:07:38,297 --> 00:07:39,423 You know who loves birds? 203 00:07:39,507 --> 00:07:41,133 Please don't say it, Winston. 204 00:07:41,217 --> 00:07:42,426 Shelby. 205 00:07:46,389 --> 00:07:47,723 So… 206 00:07:51,143 --> 00:07:52,561 How do you like America? 207 00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:55,106 I like salad bar. 208 00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:57,525 I like Despicable Me. 209 00:07:57,608 --> 00:07:59,777 Tosh 2.0. 210 00:08:00,736 --> 00:08:02,863 I like Connect Four, 211 00:08:02,947 --> 00:08:05,241 freedom of speech, 212 00:08:05,324 --> 00:08:06,784 David Fincher, 213 00:08:06,867 --> 00:08:09,620 uh, sidewalk. 214 00:08:09,704 --> 00:08:12,873 I like 1-800-slim. 215 00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:16,335 Your mama jokes. 216 00:08:17,336 --> 00:08:19,255 Strawberry. 217 00:08:19,338 --> 00:08:21,132 Wilmer Velmarelma. 218 00:08:22,008 --> 00:08:23,884 Leon J. Panetta. 219 00:08:23,968 --> 00:08:27,179 Ice skating for fun, not to save life. 220 00:08:28,806 --> 00:08:31,475 - What are you laughing at? - Cheese is for mouse. 221 00:08:31,559 --> 00:08:32,977 Are you Mick mouse? 222 00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:35,229 - Am I what? - Why don't you get in your spaceship 223 00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:36,731 like Mick mouse? 224 00:08:36,814 --> 00:08:38,083 - What are you talking about? - Mick mouse. 225 00:08:38,107 --> 00:08:40,109 - What is a Mick mouse? - Mick mouse! 226 00:08:40,192 --> 00:08:41,670 I don't understand what Mick mouse is! 227 00:08:41,694 --> 00:08:43,213 - Mick mouse! - I don't under… I don't know. 228 00:08:43,237 --> 00:08:45,077 What, what does that mean? What's a Mick mouse? 229 00:08:45,114 --> 00:08:46,324 Mick mouse! 230 00:08:46,407 --> 00:08:48,409 - Are you saying Mickey Mouse? - Yes. 231 00:08:48,492 --> 00:08:50,494 In America, honey, okay, 232 00:08:50,578 --> 00:08:52,538 Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound. 233 00:08:52,622 --> 00:08:54,498 Let's do sex party. 234 00:08:54,582 --> 00:08:56,709 I sex you in face. 235 00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:58,753 You're gonna sex me in my face? 236 00:09:00,755 --> 00:09:02,590 Well, fancy meeting you here. 237 00:09:02,673 --> 00:09:04,592 - Hi. - What's up? 238 00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:06,135 Love the gym. 239 00:09:07,053 --> 00:09:08,638 You and Russell, huh? 240 00:09:08,721 --> 00:09:09,889 - Oh, God. - Last night? 241 00:09:09,972 --> 00:09:13,100 Sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable. 242 00:09:13,184 --> 00:09:14,504 We just can't be in the same room 243 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,938 without wanting to rip each other's faces off. 244 00:09:17,021 --> 00:09:18,105 Yeah. Yeah. 245 00:09:18,189 --> 00:09:19,875 Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces 246 00:09:19,899 --> 00:09:22,735 and not, like, clothes. 247 00:09:22,818 --> 00:09:24,904 - You don't think… - No. 248 00:09:24,987 --> 00:09:26,739 I'm just… It's my endorphins, 249 00:09:26,822 --> 00:09:29,158 'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins. 250 00:09:29,241 --> 00:09:30,993 Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell. 251 00:09:31,077 --> 00:09:32,995 I mean, he is all yours. 252 00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,455 All yours. 253 00:09:34,538 --> 00:09:35,790 Awesome. 254 00:09:35,873 --> 00:09:37,792 I mean, you know what it's like with Russell. 255 00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:39,126 - Yeah. - Yeah! 256 00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:40,920 - I mean… - It's this roller coaster. 257 00:09:41,003 --> 00:09:44,048 It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran 258 00:09:44,131 --> 00:09:47,843 blasted with spray during a perfect storm. 259 00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:49,679 But… But you're 260 00:09:49,762 --> 00:09:52,306 naked and… 261 00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:54,100 And you're on fire. 262 00:09:54,183 --> 00:09:56,060 You know? 263 00:09:56,143 --> 00:09:58,688 - Yeah. I do. - Whoo! 264 00:09:58,771 --> 00:10:02,275 I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion." 265 00:10:02,358 --> 00:10:04,485 And 266 00:10:04,568 --> 00:10:06,153 show me a moderately good time. 267 00:10:06,237 --> 00:10:07,321 Yep. 268 00:10:07,405 --> 00:10:08,406 Crazy. 269 00:10:08,489 --> 00:10:10,658 - So crazy. - Oh, it's crazy. 270 00:10:10,741 --> 00:10:12,285 Russell. 271 00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,084 - Nick! - What? 272 00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,752 What's with all the hammering? 273 00:10:21,836 --> 00:10:24,505 Whoa! What the hell is this thing? This thing is creepy. 274 00:10:24,588 --> 00:10:26,465 Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay? 275 00:10:26,549 --> 00:10:28,593 Birds keep coming after my plants. 276 00:10:28,676 --> 00:10:31,012 Whatever you're doing, just stop with the hammering, okay? 277 00:10:31,095 --> 00:10:33,699 Because me and Shelby are downstairs right now trying to make love. 278 00:10:33,723 --> 00:10:35,558 Ugh! Did you honestly just say that? 279 00:10:35,641 --> 00:10:37,685 Well, dude, we're making love, man. It's beautiful. 280 00:10:37,768 --> 00:10:39,020 Who have you become, man? 281 00:10:39,103 --> 00:10:40,730 I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy? 282 00:10:40,813 --> 00:10:42,189 You're allowed to be happy, 283 00:10:42,273 --> 00:10:43,875 but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it. 284 00:10:43,899 --> 00:10:45,318 You know what I don't care about? 285 00:10:45,401 --> 00:10:47,194 - Mmm-hmm? - Shelby. 286 00:10:47,278 --> 00:10:49,155 Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. 287 00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:50,865 - Mmm-hmm. - Oh, Shelby loves donuts, 288 00:10:50,948 --> 00:10:51,949 but hates donut holes. 289 00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,618 Why are you hating on Shelby so much? 290 00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:55,911 I used to be your Shelby! 291 00:10:55,995 --> 00:10:57,580 That came out wrong. 292 00:10:57,663 --> 00:10:59,290 I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault 293 00:10:59,373 --> 00:11:00,541 that your life sucks, 294 00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:01,685 and you're so miserable. 295 00:11:01,709 --> 00:11:03,629 Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys 296 00:11:03,711 --> 00:11:05,671 who crawls out of the grave in the Thriller video. 297 00:11:12,011 --> 00:11:13,554 - I want you to git. - Seriously? 298 00:11:13,638 --> 00:11:15,514 I want you to get off my farm! 299 00:11:15,598 --> 00:11:16,658 This is a little weird, man. 300 00:11:16,682 --> 00:11:17,882 You used to be my best friend. 301 00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:19,894 - Now, I don't know you! - Talk to yourself, man. 302 00:11:19,977 --> 00:11:21,228 - So git! - I'm gittin!' 303 00:11:21,312 --> 00:11:22,647 - I don't need ya! - Shut up! 304 00:11:30,863 --> 00:11:32,239 - Hey, Russell. - Mmm-hmm. 305 00:11:34,033 --> 00:11:35,701 Do I ever drive you crazy? 306 00:11:35,785 --> 00:11:37,244 Of course not. 307 00:11:37,328 --> 00:11:38,931 Come on. There has to be something that I do 308 00:11:38,955 --> 00:11:41,457 that just, like, gets under your skin. 309 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:43,042 No, I can't think of anything. 310 00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:44,919 Come on, Russell. Think. 311 00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:46,837 Think, think, think, think. 312 00:11:46,921 --> 00:11:48,506 Think. 313 00:11:48,589 --> 00:11:49,590 That's annoying, right, 314 00:11:49,674 --> 00:11:50,675 the way I say think? 315 00:11:50,758 --> 00:11:52,051 - Well… - With a "K." 316 00:11:52,134 --> 00:11:54,011 Okay, Jess, um… 317 00:11:55,096 --> 00:11:56,430 Your eyes bug out a little 318 00:11:56,514 --> 00:11:57,783 - when you're trying to make a point. - Yeah? 319 00:11:57,807 --> 00:12:01,018 Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing 320 00:12:01,102 --> 00:12:02,895 - when you're thinking sometimes. - Yeah? 321 00:12:02,979 --> 00:12:04,647 Yeah. Don't love that. 322 00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,360 - Like that? Like that? - Uh… 323 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:11,046 Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of 324 00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,131 those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine. 325 00:12:13,155 --> 00:12:15,825 Is this just driving you crazy? 326 00:12:15,908 --> 00:12:17,118 Um… 327 00:12:17,201 --> 00:12:19,328 No, but it's not pleasant. 328 00:12:19,412 --> 00:12:21,497 You're not pleasant. 329 00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:23,374 You're not pleasant. 330 00:12:23,457 --> 00:12:24,768 - That's not nice, that's, that's… - Yeah. 331 00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:26,544 - Not nice. - No, it's passion! 332 00:12:26,627 --> 00:12:29,213 Oh! Uh, you hurt my teeth. 333 00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:30,732 Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell? 334 00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:32,466 Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing. 335 00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:34,468 Yeah, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt. 336 00:12:34,552 --> 00:12:38,014 Okay. Okay, you know, well, could you please… Thank you. 337 00:12:39,724 --> 00:12:41,475 There it is. There's the fire. 338 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:42,744 Where you been hiding it, Rusty? 339 00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:43,936 Where you been hiding it? 340 00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:45,396 I'm gonna, um, make some tea. 341 00:12:45,479 --> 00:12:46,748 Do you want some tea? We have chamomile. 342 00:12:46,772 --> 00:12:48,065 - No! - Okay. I mean… 343 00:12:48,149 --> 00:12:50,276 Oolong… Oolong, you want oolong? 344 00:12:50,359 --> 00:12:53,779 Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why? 345 00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:56,115 - It's actually kind of a funny story. Wow. - Yeah? 346 00:12:56,198 --> 00:12:57,843 You just coasting through life, you coaster? 347 00:12:57,867 --> 00:12:59,094 This isn't good, not at all. What are you… 348 00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:00,870 You know, now, now I'm pissed. 349 00:13:00,953 --> 00:13:02,079 What is this? 350 00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:07,293 Something's missing. 351 00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:10,338 I didn't know it until I saw you and Ouli together the other night 352 00:13:10,421 --> 00:13:12,298 almost strangle each other. 353 00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:14,216 But then it clicked. 354 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:15,968 I want that. 355 00:13:17,511 --> 00:13:19,305 I want what you and Ouli have. 356 00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:21,390 You want me to treat you like my ex-wife? 357 00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:23,559 Who I hate? 358 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,228 I don't know, I just… 359 00:13:26,312 --> 00:13:28,522 You guys have this spark, 360 00:13:28,606 --> 00:13:30,441 and I want that spark! 361 00:13:30,524 --> 00:13:33,277 You have to admit, you have this spark, this passion. 362 00:13:35,071 --> 00:13:36,697 Passion's overrated, Jess. 363 00:13:42,411 --> 00:13:44,264 I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I… 364 00:13:44,288 --> 00:13:45,748 I wanna go home. 365 00:13:45,831 --> 00:13:47,083 Jess… 366 00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:48,834 Just… 367 00:13:48,918 --> 00:13:50,795 Can you just take me home? 368 00:13:56,842 --> 00:13:58,010 Get in there! 369 00:13:58,594 --> 00:13:59,929 Useless. 370 00:14:00,012 --> 00:14:02,848 You… get… in there. 371 00:14:02,932 --> 00:14:05,268 What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz? 372 00:14:05,351 --> 00:14:07,228 I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man. 373 00:14:07,311 --> 00:14:08,688 Apology accepted. 374 00:14:08,771 --> 00:14:11,274 It's just… We used to be miserable together, man. 375 00:14:11,357 --> 00:14:14,318 We did have some pretty bad times together. 376 00:14:14,402 --> 00:14:15,987 Yeah, we had the worst. 377 00:14:16,070 --> 00:14:17,464 Hey, remember that time we pooled our money 378 00:14:17,488 --> 00:14:19,049 and bought that online dating profile together? 379 00:14:19,073 --> 00:14:20,366 Yes. 380 00:14:20,449 --> 00:14:22,535 The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. 381 00:14:22,618 --> 00:14:24,537 - Zero dates. - Zero. 382 00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:28,040 I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you. 383 00:14:28,124 --> 00:14:29,685 I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston. 384 00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:31,520 - You want me to tell you? - Not really, actually. 385 00:14:31,544 --> 00:14:32,837 Okay, why are you giving up? 386 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,172 If something doesn't work out, what do you do? 387 00:14:35,256 --> 00:14:37,192 You make an adjustment, and you give it one more shot. 388 00:14:37,216 --> 00:14:39,760 - I mean, that's what I did with… - Okay, just say it. 389 00:14:39,844 --> 00:14:41,071 - My beautiful Shelby. - Shelby. See. 390 00:14:41,095 --> 00:14:42,930 Why did you say, "My beautiful Shelby"? 391 00:14:43,014 --> 00:14:45,558 - It's so weird. - I just called her out of the blue, okay? 392 00:14:45,641 --> 00:14:47,810 And then I was a different person, 393 00:14:47,893 --> 00:14:50,438 and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. 394 00:14:51,105 --> 00:14:53,608 We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another. 395 00:14:55,109 --> 00:14:56,986 Sandwiches and sex? 396 00:14:57,069 --> 00:14:58,487 I want that. 397 00:15:01,449 --> 00:15:02,700 Hey. 398 00:15:02,783 --> 00:15:05,786 How, um… How was your date last night? 399 00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,664 Brief. Small man go to hospital. 400 00:15:09,373 --> 00:15:10,416 The hospital? 401 00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:11,959 - Is he okay? - I don't know. 402 00:15:12,043 --> 00:15:14,837 I leave him there, I go make bowling. 403 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,465 Nadia… Like, honestly, what did you do to him? 404 00:15:17,548 --> 00:15:20,176 Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny. 405 00:15:20,259 --> 00:15:21,636 Oh, my God. 406 00:15:21,719 --> 00:15:23,179 There's me! 407 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,394 I really like what we have. I thought you did, too. 408 00:15:30,478 --> 00:15:32,605 I do. I did. It's just, Russell… 409 00:15:34,815 --> 00:15:37,068 Great. Just forget it. 410 00:15:37,151 --> 00:15:40,112 Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car. 411 00:15:40,196 --> 00:15:42,531 But there's so many buttons. It's like… 412 00:15:42,615 --> 00:15:44,617 The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons. 413 00:15:47,036 --> 00:15:49,830 Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, 414 00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:52,416 explosive passion thing when I was with Ouli. 415 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,086 It was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper. 416 00:15:56,754 --> 00:15:58,255 I'm not looking for that anymore. 417 00:15:59,924 --> 00:16:01,384 I understand. 418 00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:02,760 But I am. 419 00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:05,346 And… 420 00:16:05,429 --> 00:16:07,390 I want passion. 421 00:16:08,808 --> 00:16:11,519 Even if it's harder and hurts more. 422 00:16:14,605 --> 00:16:15,773 So that's it. 423 00:16:16,899 --> 00:16:18,067 Goodbye, Russell. 424 00:16:24,824 --> 00:16:26,242 Well… 425 00:16:26,325 --> 00:16:27,493 Yeah. 426 00:16:31,914 --> 00:16:33,249 Oh, my God. 427 00:16:34,041 --> 00:16:35,835 Are you serious? 428 00:16:35,918 --> 00:16:38,629 How do you look this good under fluorescent lights? 429 00:16:38,713 --> 00:16:41,340 I am so, so sorry. 430 00:16:41,424 --> 00:16:43,801 Okay? This is all my fault. I thought… 431 00:16:45,094 --> 00:16:46,095 What happened? 432 00:16:47,638 --> 00:16:49,682 Yeah, um, this is embarrassing. 433 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,478 I broke my penis. 434 00:16:54,562 --> 00:16:56,480 - You what? - I broke my penis. 435 00:16:56,564 --> 00:16:58,983 Things got, I mean, just out of control 436 00:16:59,066 --> 00:17:01,110 with Nadia last night, and there was, like, 437 00:17:01,193 --> 00:17:04,488 this one moment where it was just blinding pain. 438 00:17:04,572 --> 00:17:06,091 And then there was another moment where I was, like, 439 00:17:06,115 --> 00:17:08,242 watching myself watch myself… 440 00:17:08,326 --> 00:17:11,120 I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. 441 00:17:11,203 --> 00:17:13,456 And I can't be certain of this, 442 00:17:13,539 --> 00:17:15,458 but I'm almost positive 443 00:17:15,541 --> 00:17:17,793 that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle. 444 00:17:17,877 --> 00:17:19,146 I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here. 445 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,290 How are you upset right now? 446 00:17:21,172 --> 00:17:22,673 Cece, you ended this. 447 00:17:22,757 --> 00:17:24,067 I don't know what you want from me! 448 00:17:24,091 --> 00:17:26,510 I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. 449 00:17:26,594 --> 00:17:29,805 Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. 450 00:17:32,892 --> 00:17:34,101 Because I like you. 451 00:17:37,730 --> 00:17:39,732 I can't just always say what I feel, okay? 452 00:17:39,815 --> 00:17:41,400 It's just… 453 00:17:41,484 --> 00:17:43,486 Just, whatever, Schmidt. 454 00:17:43,569 --> 00:17:44,820 You like me. 455 00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:47,990 You like my personality? 456 00:17:48,074 --> 00:17:49,450 I was surprised, too. 457 00:17:50,743 --> 00:17:52,078 Come here. 458 00:17:57,583 --> 00:17:59,001 - Oh! - Oh! 459 00:18:00,461 --> 00:18:03,547 - What happened? - Oh, my God, why? 460 00:18:03,631 --> 00:18:05,091 Oh, what? 461 00:18:05,174 --> 00:18:06,818 Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. 462 00:18:06,842 --> 00:18:08,237 - Don't touch me, don't touch me. - Okay. I… 463 00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:09,571 - You gotta get out of here. - All right. 464 00:18:09,595 --> 00:18:11,365 I mean, I've, I… I'd like… Don't bend over! 465 00:18:11,389 --> 00:18:13,224 For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? 466 00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:14,725 I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants. 467 00:18:14,809 --> 00:18:16,435 I'm sorry for this, but I… I… 468 00:18:16,519 --> 00:18:17,955 - I like you. - And I like you, too, so much. 469 00:18:17,979 --> 00:18:19,563 Call a nurse, call a male nurse. 470 00:18:19,647 --> 00:18:21,482 Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice. 471 00:18:21,565 --> 00:18:23,651 - Bye. - Describe it to them as like a… 472 00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:26,028 As a battered highway cone. 473 00:18:41,794 --> 00:18:43,004 Oh, hey. 474 00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:46,424 Hey. Caroline, how you doing? 475 00:18:46,507 --> 00:18:49,802 Good. Just going to use the bathroom. 476 00:18:53,389 --> 00:18:54,807 - Caroline? - Yeah, I know. 477 00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:57,018 I just called her, and then… I don't know, it's… 478 00:18:57,101 --> 00:18:59,645 What are you doing? You guys had a terrible relationship. 479 00:18:59,729 --> 00:19:02,690 Are you crazy? Are you burning incense? 480 00:19:02,773 --> 00:19:05,067 Yes, I am for ambience. She digs it. 481 00:19:05,151 --> 00:19:06,819 She digs it? 482 00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:08,904 Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? 483 00:19:08,988 --> 00:19:11,032 What happened to swearing off women 484 00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:12,199 and focusing on tomatoes? 485 00:19:12,283 --> 00:19:15,745 I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. 486 00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:18,289 I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. 487 00:19:18,372 --> 00:19:21,792 Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. 488 00:19:21,876 --> 00:19:23,878 - I'm happy. - That is pathetic, Nick. 489 00:19:23,961 --> 00:19:24,962 You're just saying that 490 00:19:25,046 --> 00:19:27,673 'cause you don't have the patience or the courage to be alone. 491 00:19:27,757 --> 00:19:29,550 I will never get used to those urinals. 492 00:19:29,634 --> 00:19:30,801 Right. 493 00:19:30,885 --> 00:19:32,029 Hey, would you give me a second? 494 00:19:32,053 --> 00:19:33,213 I have to talk to Jess for… 495 00:19:33,262 --> 00:19:34,305 Oh. Sure. 496 00:19:34,388 --> 00:19:35,473 - Great. - Okay. 497 00:19:35,556 --> 00:19:37,475 - Bye, Caroline. - Bye. 498 00:19:37,558 --> 00:19:39,977 See you in one second. What is your problem? 499 00:19:40,061 --> 00:19:42,104 Have fun making terrible life decisions! 500 00:19:42,188 --> 00:19:43,981 Oh, you just know everything, don't you? 501 00:19:44,065 --> 00:19:46,043 - No, I don't know everything. - I'm actually so sick of you. 502 00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,777 I'm just really disappointed in you. 503 00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:49,546 Yeah, you know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, 504 00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:52,073 and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries 505 00:19:52,156 --> 00:19:53,342 - with sprinklies on them… - That isn't what I do. 506 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,159 Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, 507 00:19:55,242 --> 00:19:57,745 and then tell other people how to live their lives! 508 00:19:57,828 --> 00:19:59,372 It's not a pajama outfit! 509 00:19:59,455 --> 00:20:01,916 - They're called pajamas, Nick! - That's what I said! 510 00:20:01,999 --> 00:20:03,393 Nick, why don't you go back in your room 511 00:20:03,417 --> 00:20:05,002 and put on your stupid flannel 512 00:20:05,086 --> 00:20:07,713 and keep not living up to your potential! 513 00:20:07,797 --> 00:20:09,674 - You're a crazy person, Jess! - I am not. 514 00:20:09,757 --> 00:20:11,401 I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear. 515 00:20:11,425 --> 00:20:12,694 You know what I would like to hear from you? 516 00:20:12,718 --> 00:20:14,095 - What? - Silence! 517 00:20:14,178 --> 00:20:15,572 - Well, I'm not gonna be silenced! - Just… 518 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,390 Just shut up! For one second be quiet! 519 00:20:17,473 --> 00:20:19,308 - I'm trying to help you! - Please be quiet! 520 00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:20,851 - No! No! - I don't want your help. 521 00:20:20,935 --> 00:20:22,853 Stop making that face at me. I hate that face. 522 00:20:22,937 --> 00:20:25,356 This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, 523 00:20:25,439 --> 00:20:28,317 and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess 524 00:20:29,819 --> 00:20:31,904 then look at my ass! 525 00:20:34,323 --> 00:20:36,450 - Oh! - Yeah! Get a good look! 526 00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:39,304 - Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter! - This is the ass of a failure! 527 00:20:39,328 --> 00:20:41,622 - You get a look. - Look right at my ass. 528 00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:44,292 - No, Nick. - You bought the ticket, take a ride. 529 00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:47,003 - Feast your eyes on my butt. - I'm winning this moment. 530 00:20:47,086 --> 00:20:48,366 - You quitter. - Look at my butt, 531 00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:49,672 it's going faster than yours! 532 00:20:49,755 --> 00:20:51,340 I have the fastest butt in the land. 533 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,509 - I got a faster one! - No, you don't. 534 00:20:53,593 --> 00:20:56,012 - What are we doing? - Stop looking at my ass. 535 00:20:56,095 --> 00:20:57,305 Oh, I'm gonna kill you. 536 00:20:59,015 --> 00:21:00,224 Quitter! 537 00:21:03,561 --> 00:21:05,646 You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato 538 00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:07,773 just sprung up overnight? 539 00:21:07,857 --> 00:21:10,443 Yes, I do. When it comes to tomatoes, 540 00:21:10,526 --> 00:21:13,487 no one in the world knows less than Nick. 541 00:21:13,571 --> 00:21:15,007 So how long you gotta ice that thing? 542 00:21:15,031 --> 00:21:16,032 Eight weeks. 543 00:21:16,115 --> 00:21:17,867 I mean, if I have any excitement 544 00:21:17,950 --> 00:21:19,744 it's excruciating pain. 545 00:21:19,827 --> 00:21:21,162 - Boobies. - What? 546 00:21:21,245 --> 00:21:23,247 - Boobies. - I love boobies. 547 00:21:25,082 --> 00:21:26,417 Girls with clean hair. 548 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,186 Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played. 549 00:21:28,210 --> 00:21:29,754 Models eating sliders. 550 00:21:29,837 --> 00:21:31,589 Bernadette Peters on a high beam. 551 00:21:31,672 --> 00:21:33,841 Freshly-baked bread. 552 00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:34,926 Oh, God!